Zechariah

1. Yo, back in like, the eighth month of this wild year (shoutout to Darius), God hit up Zechariah, son of Berechiah and grandson of Iddo, the OG prophet, and dropped some truth bombs.
2. God was seriously ticked off at your ancestors. (Like, really, really mad.)
3. So, here’s the message from the Almighty: “Yo, come back to me,” says the Almighty, “and I’ll totally come back to you,” says the Almighty.
4. Don’t be like your old folks who got called out by those OG prophets way back when, saying, ‘The big man upstairs is like, yo, change your wicked ways and stop doing bad stuff.’ But they straight up ignored me, didn’t even bother tuning in, God says.
5. Yo, where are your ancestors now, and those prophets, are they immortal or what?
6. Check it, fam: Did your ancestors not listen when I dropped truth through my prophets? They realized the Lord of Heaven’s Armies was dead serious about carrying out what He said, based on how they were living and what they were doing. And true to His word, He dealt with them accordingly. #Karma
7. On February 24th, in the second year of Darius, God hit up Zechariah, son of Berechiah, grandson of the prophet Iddo, and said,
8. So, check it out, I had this totally wild vision, right? It was nighttime, and guess what I saw? This dude riding on a rad red horse! And get this, he was posted up among these cool myrtle trees down low. But wait, there’s more! Behind him were these other awesome horses, all red too, but some had spots and others were white. How crazy is that?!
9. So I’m like, yo, what’s the deal with these things, my dude? And the angel who’s chilling with me is like, “I got you, fam, let me break it down.”
10. And the dude posted among the myrtle trees is like, “Yo, these are the peeps that the LORD sent to roam around the earth.”
11. So, they’re all kicking it with the angel of the LORD who’s posted up among the myrtle trees, and they’re like, “Dude, we’ve been cruising around the earth, and guess what? The whole place is just, like, chill and peaceful right now.”
12. And the angel of the LORD is like, “Yo, LORD, how much longer you gonna keep it tough on Jerusalem and the cities of Judah? You’ve been holding onto that grudge for, like, seventy years, man!”
13. And God responds to the angel I was talking to with kind and comforting words.
14. So the angel’s like, “Yo, listen up! Spread this message from the LORD of all: I’m totally, like, fiercely protective over Jerusalem and Zion, and I’m, like, crazy passionate about it.”
15. And I’m seriously ticked at those clueless peeps who are living it up without a care. I was only a little mad, and they totally made things worse.
16. So, here’s what’s up: God’s like, “Pay attention! I’m back in Jerusalem, ready to show some serious love and kindness. My place is getting rebuilt, you feel me? The LORD Almighty said it, so you know it’s for real. And check this out, a brand-new boundary is going to be marked all over Jerusalem.”
17. Yo, check it! The LORD of hosts is like, “Yo, don’t even stress. My cities are gonna flourish and expand big time. And for sure, the LORD’s gonna bring comfort to Zion and show mad love for Jerusalem. No doubt, prosperity gonna be flowing in. #blessed”
18. So I look up and see this wild sight—there are these four horns. Like, what even?!
19. So I ask the angel chilling by my side, “Yo, what’s the deal with these things?” And the angel’s like, “These are the horns that messed up Judah, Israel, and Jerusalem.”
20. So, yo, God showed me these four super skilled builders, you guys.
21. I’m like, yo, what’s the deal with these horns? And then He’s like, “Check it, these horns messed up Judah, bringing everyone down. But here’s the scoop: These horns are here to scare them off, to kick out those other horns from foreign folks who tried to mess with Judah and stir up chaos.”

Sure, here’s the passage in a Gen Z style while keeping it respectful:

1. So, like, I looked up again, and whoa, there was this dude with a measuring line in his hand.
2. So I was like, ‘Hey, where you headed?’ And he’s like, ‘Dude, I’m checking out Jerusalem, seeing how big it is, you know?’
3. Yo, listen up! So, like, this angel I was chatting with? Well, they jetted and ran into another angel on their way. They totally bumped into each other, dude!
4. So He said to him, ‘Hey, go talk to that guy over there and tell him this: Jerusalem’s gonna be packed, with tons of people and animals, like bustling towns without walls.’
5. Yo, it’s God here, I’ve got you covered like a solid firewall around you, and I’ll be the ultimate strength in your midst.
6. Yo, yo, yo, listen up and come from the north, says the LORD. ‘Cause I’ve scattered you like the wind across the sky, says the LORD.
7. Yo, Zion, bounce outta Babylon’s turf, like, pronto.
8. This is what the LORD, like, the ultimate boss, says: After I’ve shown off, I’m gonna get sent to all the nations that messed with you, ’cause anyone who messes with you messes with someone super important to me.
9. Yo, peep this, I’m about to show these fools who’s boss. They’re gonna get served by their own crew. And you’ll know it was the big man upstairs, the LORD of hosts, who sent me.
10. Yo, Zion crew, get hyped and celebrate! ‘Cause listen up, I’m about to roll in and set up my place right in the middle of y’all. God’s word, for real.
11. In the future, tons of countries will be down with the LORD and join the squad. The LORD will be chillin’ with us, and you’ll totally know it was the big boss, the LORD of hosts, who sent me to you.
12. Here’s a Gen Z-style version while keeping it respectful and faithful to the biblical context:
13. And God’s gonna choose Judah as His spot in the holy land, and He’s gonna pick Jerusalem once again.
14. Yo, everyone, quiet down in the presence of the LORD. He’s just chilling in His sacred place, you know? Let’s respect the holiness, fam. #Humbled

1. So, like, I see this guy Joshua, the top priest, standing in front of the angel of the LORD, and Satan is there too, totally being oppositional. (FYI, Satan means he’s like an adversary, you know, someone who goes against him.)
2. And God was like, ‘Yo Satan, back off! The God who chose Jerusalem says, ‘Get lost, Satan!’ Isn’t this dude a rescued soul? #blessed
3. So, Joshua is standing there in these really ragged clothes, you know? And he’s right in front of this angel and everything.
4. And then he said to the peeps there, like, ‘Strip off those nasty clothes from him.’ And he told Joshua, ‘Check it out, I’ve wiped away all your mess-ups, and now I’m hooking you up with a fresh new look.’
5. And I was like, ‘Yo, let’s crown him with something dope.’ So they put a rad crown on his head and decked him out in some sick threads. Then this lit angel of the LORD popped in.
6. And the angel of the LORD came straight to Joshua and was like,
7. Yo, check it, fam! This is what the LORD of all the cool peeps says: If you vibe with my ways and keep it real with my rules, then I’ll hook you up with some major responsibilities. You’ll be running my house, keeping my courts fresh, and I’ll even give you VIP access to roll with the crew. It’s gonna be lit, you feel me?
8. Listen up, Joshua the high priest, and your whole squad with you, ’cause y’all are like, super impressive. Here’s the deal, I’m about to send my servant, the BRANCH, onto the scene. Trust me, it’s gonna be mind-blowing!
9. Yo, listen up! I’m all about this stone that I placed right in front of Joshua. It’s super special, with seven eyes on it, no joke. I’m gonna carve a sick design on it, like a boss, says the LORD of hosts! And check it, I’m gonna wipe out all the bad vibes from that land in just one day. Trust me, it’s gonna be epic!
10. On that day, says the LORD, you’ll hang with your crew and chill under the cool shade of a vine or a fig tree.

1. So, this angel dude who was chatting with me, came back and totally shook me awake, like when you suddenly snap out of a deep sleep.
2. And they asked me, ‘What do you see?’ And I was like, ‘I see this super rad golden candlestick with a bowl on top, and it’s got seven lamps and seven pipes for those lamps. It’s seriously sleek, dude!’
3. And there were these two chill olive trees, one on the right side of the bowl and the other on the left side.
4. So I was like, ‘Hey angel dude, what’s the deal with all this stuff, bro?’
5. So, the angel who was hanging out and chatting with me was like, ‘Hey, do you even know what all this means?’ And I was like, ‘Nah, dude, I’m clueless, my lord.’
6. And he said, ‘Listen up, dude! This is what the Lord is saying to Zerubbabel: It’s not about flexing your muscles or showing off your strength. It’s all about that divine power, says the mighty Lord!’
7. Yo, big mountain, who do you think you are? Zerubbabel is gonna level you to the ground. And when he sets the final stone in place, everyone will be cheering, shouting, ‘Amazing, amazing!’
8. So, the LORD hit me up and was like,
9. Zerubbabel, he’s the real deal MVP. He started building this house and he’s gonna finish it too. And when it’s done, you’ll know the LORD of hosts totally sent me to tell you. No doubt.
10. Seriously, who’s gonna be like, ‘Nah, small things, not interested’? Because let me tell you, those who don’t underestimate small beginnings, they’re gonna be stoked. And they’ll see Zerubbabel rocking that awesome tool called a ‘plumb line,’ along with those seven other amazing things. Oh, and those seven things? They’re like the eyes of the LORD, always watching everything on Earth. No joke, that’s their gig. #SquadGoals, right? #AllSeeingEyes
11. So I was like, dude, what’s the deal with those two olive trees chilling next to the candlestick? One on the right and one on the left? Like, what’s up with that?
12. And I asked him, ‘Yo, what’s with those two olive branches pumping out that golden oil through those sick golden pipes? How’s that even happening?’
13. He said to me, ‘Don’t you know what these are?’ And I was like, ‘Nah, my dude.’
14. And he was like, ‘Yo, these two right here, they’re the chosen ones, always by the side of the big boss, the Lord of the whole earth. #oilbrothers’

1. So I turned around and looked up, and boom, there it was—a flying scroll!
2. And he’s all like, “Hey, what do you see?” And I’m like, “Dude, I see this massive flying roll. It’s like 20 cubits long and 10 cubits wide.”
3. And he tells me, “Check it out, there’s this major curse spreading all over the whole earth: if you steal, you’re totally wiped out, gone in an instant. And if you swear falsely, you’re wiped out too, just poof, gone. (And can you believe it? Those who steal act like they’re totally innocent, like they didn’t do anything wrong!)”
4. God’s like, “I’m calling out those thieves and liars who swear falsely in my name. Their houses are gonna be wrecked, burned by an inescapable fire. It’s gonna devour everything—wood, stones, the whole deal.”
5. Then the angel I was talking to, he dips out and says, “Dude, look up and peep this scene.”
6. So I’m like, “What’s that thing?” And he’s like, “Bro, that’s an ephah on the move.” And he adds, “Yeah, that’s how they roll all over the globe, man.”
7. Yo, peep this: there’s this massive chunk of lead that got lifted up, and get this—it’s symbolizing a woman just chilling in the middle of the ephah. No lie, that lead’s seriously heavy, you dig?
8. And he’s like, “Yo, this ain’t cool.” So he chucks it right into the middle of the ephah and slams a heavy lid on top to lock it down.
9. So I’m like, I gotta see this for myself, right? And bam, two women pop up with wings spread wide, like stork wings, you know? They snatch up that hefty ephah and lift it high between heaven and earth.
10. So I’m like, “Dude, I gotta ask the angel I was chatting with, like, where are they taking that ephah?”
11. And he’s like, “Yo, we’re gonna set up a rad crib in Shinar. It’s gonna be legit, standing firm on its own foundation.”

1. So I spun around and looked up, and I saw four rad chariots cruising out from between two massive mountains, and these mountains were gleaming like solid gold.
2. The first ride had fire-red horses, and the second ride had slick black horses.
3. The third chariot had white horses, and the fourth chariot had horses that were a mix of colors – gray and brown.
4. So I was all like, “Hey angel, who are these folks? Tell me, my lord!”
5. And the angel was like, “Check it out. These are the four spirits of the heavens, you know? They’re always with the big guy upstairs, the Lord of all the earth, and then they go out and do their thing. It’s like they’re His crew, representing the winds and stuff.”
6. The black horses head north, and the white ones follow them, while the gray ones head south.
7. The messenger went out to check out the scene around the world. He said, “Go ahead, check out the scene.” So they cruised all over the world.
8. And he was like, calling out to me and he was like, “Yo, listen up! Those folks heading north, they’ve totally chilled my vibe in that direction.”
9. God hit me up like,
10. Yo, gather up those peeps who were captive in Babylon—Heldai, Tobijah, and Jedaiah—and make sure to roll up to Josiah’s place, son of Zephaniah, on the same day.
11. So, like, get some dope silver and gold and make some legit crowns, then put them on Joshua, son of Josedech, the ultimate high priest’s head, fam.
12. Yo, go tell him this: The LORD of all the hosts says, “Check it out, there’s this dude named The BRANCH. He’s gonna rise up from his crew and build the LORD’s temple. Yeah, you heard right, like a branch growing up from under him.”
13. Yo, this dude’s gonna straight up build the Lord’s temple. He’ll be all glorious, chilling on his throne, ruling it. And guess what? He’s gonna be a priest too. They’ll be all about that peaceful vibe together.
14. And the crowns will be given to Helem, Tobijah, Jedaiah, and Hen, who’s Zephaniah’s son, to honor them in the house of the LORD.
15. People from far away will come to help build the temple of the LORD. Then you’ll know that the LORD of hosts sent me to you. And this will totally happen if you faithfully listen to what the LORD your God says.

1. Yo, in the fourth year of King Darius, God dropped a message for Zechariah on the fourth day of the ninth month, Chisleu.
2. So, they sent Sherezer and Regemmelech with their squad to the house of God to pray to the Lord and stuff, you know? #prayerlife
3. Hey, I need to talk to the priests at the house of the LORD of hosts, and the prophets too. Should I keep crying and isolating myself during the fifth month like I’ve been doing for all these years?
4. So, the LORD of all the cool stuff sent me a message, saying,
5. Hey, everyone, priests included! So, when you were fasting and mourning during the fifth and seventh months for a whole seventy years, were you really doing it for me? Like, seriously, was it all about me?
6. And when you were feasting and indulging, weren’t you just focused on yourselves? Let’s be real here, you totally were, right? Like, no denying it, guys.
7. Hey, did you even pay attention to what the LORD was saying through the old-school prophets back when Jerusalem was thriving and everything was going smoothly? I mean, people were chilling down south and in the surrounding cities, you know?
8. And God hit up Zechariah like, ‘Yo, check it,’
9. Yo, check it! The LORD of hosts has something to say: Make sure your decisions are fair and just, and always show kindness and compassion to each other, fam. Remember, keeping it real with truth is key. #Blessed
10. Don’t treat widows, orphans, foreigners, or the poor unfairly. And don’t even think about scheming against your bros in your heart.
11. But they were like, ‘Nah, we ain’t listening,’ and shrugged off any responsibility. They literally covered their ears so they wouldn’t have to hear it. #NotInterested
12. They totally hardened their hearts, like solid rock, so they wouldn’t even listen to the law and the words that the LORD of all the digital realms sent through the prophets of the past. Because of that, the LORD of all the digital realms got really upset. Like, major wrath vibes.
13. So, like, it happened, right? He cried out for help, but they totally ignored him. And now they’re crying out, but sorry, I’m not about to listen, says the LORD who’s got all the power.
14. But I completely wrecked them, like a super intense tornado, and scattered them among all these unfamiliar nations they’d never heard of before. So the land was left deserted after they left, with no one daring to pass through or return. They totally ruined that amazing land that everyone was just dying to chill in.

1. So, the LORD of hosts dropped me a message, sliding into my DMs like:
2. Yo, the LORD of hosts was like, I was totally vibing with Zion, like super hardcore, and I was all fired up and furious for her too.
3. Listen up! Here’s what the LORD is saying: I’m back in Zion, gonna chill in the heart of Jerusalem. They gonna call Jerusalem a legit city of truth, and the LORD’s mountain? Absolutely sacred, no doubt!
4. Check it, fam! This is what the LORD Almighty says: There will still be OGs and wise elders chillin’ in the streets of Jerusalem, each with a cane ’cause they’ve lived a long, long time. You feel me?
5. And yo, the city’s gonna be buzzing with boys and girls having a blast, playing in the streets and all, ya dig?
6. Check it, fam! The Almighty’s saying, if this generation’s peeps find something dope, shouldn’t I, the Almighty, also think it’s dope? That’s the deal from the Almighty!
7. Listen up! The LORD, who’s running the whole show, is gonna save my crew from everywhere! From the east to the west—like, all over! (BTW, that’s like, where the sun rises and sets, you feel?)
8. And I’ll gather them up, and they’ll kick it in the heart of Jerusalem: they’ll be my squad, and I’ll be their God, straight up righteous and true.
9. Alright fam, listen up! The big man upstairs says, ‘Yo, keep those hands strong! You’re the ones living in the now, hearing these words spoken by the prophets back in the day when they were laying down the foundation of the Lord’s house, all to build that sick temple.’
10. Back in the day, nobody could find a hustle, not even animals could make a buck. It was straight chaos everywhere you looked because of all the drama. I had everyone at each other’s throats, no peace for anyone, whether coming or going. It was a rough time, no doubt.
11. But yo, I ain’t gonna deal with these peeps like I did back in the day, says the LORD of hosts.
12. Yo, check it out! It’s gonna be lit! The seeds will thrive, the vines will be popping with fruit, the ground will yield plenty of crops, and the heavens will bless us with dew. And you best believe, I’ll bless the rest of y’all with all these good things, bringing peace along the way.
13. And listen up fam, back in the day you guys were seriously dissed by those non-believers, you feel me? But don’t stress, ’cause I’m about to come through and save the day. You’re gonna be on point and spread those positive vibes everywhere. No need to worry, just stay strong and keep doing your thing.
14. This is what the LORD of all the crews says: Like, when your ancestors really got under my skin and I was ready to lay down some serious punishment, I gotta be honest, I didn’t change my mind, says the LORD of all the crews.
15. So, like, I’ve been seriously thinking lately about doing something amazing for Jerusalem and the house of Judah. Don’t even stress, alright?
16. So here’s the deal, okay? Keep it real with each other, fam. Like, always speak the truth to your squad. And yo, make sure you’re all about fairness and bringing peace, especially within your own crew. Trust me, it’s all about being honest and chill, dude.
17. And don’t even think about dissing your neighbor or spreading lies, ’cause I totally can’t stand that stuff, says the LORD.
18. So, like, the word from the big man upstairs hit me up and was like,
19. Yo, pay attention! This is what the LORD of hosts is saying: Don’t worry about fasting in the fourth, fifth, seventh, and tenth months anymore. Instead, turn those times into celebrations packed with joy and good vibes, maybe even throw in some epic parties. Here’s the deal: focus on loving others, speaking truth, and spreading peace, and you’ll be all set. Peace out!
20. Yo, check it out! The Almighty says, get this, there’s gonna be a time when people from all over and folks from many cities will come together.
21. And the crew from one place will head to another, like, “Let’s roll and pray to the LORD and seek the LORD of hosts. Count me in for that too.”
22. Yo, a bunch of peeps and strong nations will come to the LORD of hosts in Jerusalem, to connect with the LORD and pray.
23. Listen up! The LORD Almighty says, ‘In the future, there will come a time when ten guys from different nations will grab onto the clothes of a Jewish guy and say, ‘Let’s ride with you, bro! We’ve heard that God is on your side.’

1. Yo, peep this vibe from the LORD – it’s hitting up Hadrach, and Damascus is gonna chill. All eyes, especially the squad from all the tribes of Israel, will be straight-up focused on the LORD.
2. Hamath is gonna be there too, rolling with Tyre and Sidon, showing off all their wisdom.
3. So check it, Tyrus went and built herself this mega fortress, stacking up mad silver like it’s NBD, and gold was just lying around like dirt on the streets.
4. Yo, listen up, the Lord’s gonna totally kick her out and wipe out her power in the sea. She’s gonna straight up be consumed by fire, man.
5. When Ashkelon peeps what’s going down, it’s gonna be shook; Gaza’s gonna be real sad, and Ekron, oh man, they’re gonna be so embarrassed because their dreams are gonna be crushed. Even the king of Gaza won’t survive, and Ashkelon will be deserted.
6. And someone from a different hood will move into Ashdod, and I’m gonna humble those arrogant Philistines.
7. And I’ll totally clean up his act, remove all the nasty stuff like blood from his mouth and those messed up habits stuck between his teeth, you feel? But the ones who stick with me, they’ll be all about Team God, leading like bosses in Judah, and Ekron will be chill like a Jebusite.
8. And I’ll totally set up camp around my crib, like, totally guarding it from any haters rolling by or trying to come back. Ain’t no one gonna mess with them anymore; I’ve seen it with my own eyes, dude.
9. Yo, daughter of Zion, get hyped! Shout it out, daughter of Jerusalem! Listen up, your King is pullin’ up to you. He’s the real deal, bringin’ justice and salvation. And check it, he’s keepin’ it low-key, rollin’ on a donkey, even a lil’ baby one. #humble
10. And I’m gonna ditch all those fancy rides from Ephraim and the horses from Jerusalem. No more epic battles. Instead, peace will be the vibe, even for those who aren’t in the loop. This leader will reign supreme, from coast to coast and from the river to the farthest corners of the earth.
11. Yo, because of our covenant sealed in blood, I’ve totally set free those imprisoned in that dark pit without a drop of water.
12. Head over to the place where you find strength, all you hopeful ones! And I’m telling you now, I’m about to bless you double-fold!
13. When I’ve got Judah on my side, powered up with Ephraim’s strength, and raised up your crew, O Zion, against those Greek dudes, making you sharp like a warrior’s sword.
14. And God will be like, totally visible and all, and his arrow will zoom like lightning. The mighty Lord will blow the trumpet and bring in epic whirlwinds from the south.
15. The Almighty God will have their backs; they’ll crush and dominate their enemies with sling stones. They’ll celebrate big time, like they’re partying hard on wine; they’ll be completely fulfilled like bowls overflowing at the corners of the altar.
16. And the LORD their God will rescue them that day, like a squad of tight friends – they’ll shine like a dope crown, showing off proudly on his turf.
17. OMG, His goodness is so lit and His beauty is on fleek! The corn will make the young dudes hyped, and the new wine will get the girls in the mood. Let’s get this party started! 💃🕺

1. When you want some rain, hit up the LORD around late rainy season. He’ll drop those sick clouds and heavy showers, watering every bit of grass in the field. It’s gonna be epic, like the LORD bringing the thunder and lightning! 🌧️⚡
2. Yo, those idols are just spitting out empty words, and those fortune tellers are straight up seeing lies and telling fake dreams. They can’t give any real comfort, so they’re wandering around like a lost flock, feeling all messed up ’cause they got no shepherd. (BTW, teraphims are like these ancient idols or figures)
3. I was seriously ticked off at those shepherds, so I called out the goats. The big man upstairs, the LORD of hosts, checked up on his crew in the house of Judah and turned them into a powerhouse ready to dominate in battle.
4. He was the ultimate power move – the foundation stone, the boss nail, the fierce battle bow, and the original authority, all in one.
5. And they’ll be straight up warriors, stomping their enemies in the streets during battle. They’ll fight with so much confidence ’cause the LORD has their back, and those guys on horses will be totally humbled.
6. And I’ll make the house of Judah strong, and I’ll rescue the house of Joseph, and I’ll bring them back to their rightful place. ‘Cause I’ve got deep compassion for them, you know? They’ll feel like I never left ’em, ’cause I’m their God, and I’m always tuned in to their needs.
7. And the folks from Ephraim will be on fire, pumped up like they just chugged some top-tier energy drink. Even their kids will see the awesomeness and be hyped; their hearts will be bursting with joy because of the LORD.
8. I’ll grab their attention and unite them because I’ve rescued them. And they’ll keep thriving just like they’ve been thriving.
9. I’m gonna scatter them far and wide, but even in distant lands, they’ll start remembering me. They’ll put down roots, raise families, and eventually come back home.
10. I’ll totally rescue them from Egypt and Assyria and bring them to this awesome spot called Gilead and Lebanon! There won’t even be enough space for them in [place].
11. And, like, he’s gonna handle a major crisis, totally smashing those massive sea waves and drying up the rivers. Then bam, the Assyrians’ massive pride will be completely shattered, and Egypt’s power will fade away.
12. And I’ll totally empower them in the LORD; they’ll be showing off and moving around in his name, declares the LORD.

1. Yo, Lebanon, open up and let that fire blaze through your cedar trees!
2. Yo, fir tree, start wailing ’cause the mighty cedar has fallen; all the VIPs are wrecked. Howl, you oaks of Bashan; the lush forest is torn down.
3. Listen up, the shepherds are crying out, their rep all messed up. Hear the fierce roar of young lions, ’cause Jordan’s pride is shattered!
4. This is what the LORD my God says: Look out for your crew in a serious way;
5. The owners are straight-up offing their animals with zero guilt. And the sellers? They’re all like, “Praise the LORD, I’m making mad cash!” But the leaders? They couldn’t care less about the people’s well-being.
6. God’s like, “I’m done feeling sorry for these folks. I’m gonna let them get taken over by their neighbors and their own kings. They’re gonna wreck everything, and I’m not stepping in to save them.”
7. But don’t worry, my struggling fam. I got you. I grabbed two dope staffs – named one Beauty and the other Bands (or Binders, you get it). Then I took care of the flock with some legit care.
8. So, I straight-up fired three shepherds in just one month. I was done with them, and they couldn’t stand me either. It was like mutual hate, for real.
9. I was like, “I’m not gonna be your provider anymore. Whatever’s gonna die, let it die; whatever needs to be cut off, let it be cut off. And let the rest turn on each other if they have to.”
10. Then I took my staff called Beauty and broke it in half, signaling the end of the covenant I had made with everyone.
11. And yeah, it was totally broken that day. All the lowkey sheep who were vibing with me got that it was definitely the legit word of the LORD. For real, those poor peeps were totally clued in.
12. So, I was like, “If y’all are cool with it, go ahead and give me my payment. If not, it’s whatever.” And guess what? They gave me thirty silver coins as my price. Can’t complain, right?
13. Then God was like, “Yo, throw it to the potter. They thought I was worth a lot, so they gave me thirty silver coins.” So, I chucked those coins to the potter in the house of the Lord.
14. So, I snapped my other staff, Bands, to break the bond between Judah and Israel.
15. Then God was like, “Yo, listen up, grab the gear of a totally ridiculous shepherd.”
16. Yo, listen up! I’m about to bring a shepherd to this land who won’t show any love to the outcasts. They won’t care about the young ones, won’t bother fixing what’s broken, and won’t look after those just chilling. Instead, they’ll feast on the meat of the privileged and tear them apart. It’s gonna be wild, fam!
17. Dang, that fake shepherd who abandons the flock is in for some serious trouble! The sword is gonna slash his arm and right eye. His arm’s gonna shrivel up, and his right eye will go completely dark.

1. Yo, listen up, fam! The LORD’s got a message for Israel, straight from the Big Guy who made the entire universe, set the earth’s foundations, and crafted every single human being.
2. For real, I’m gonna turn Jerusalem into a wild trip for everyone nearby. When folks roll up trying to mess with Judah and Jerusalem, they’re gonna be totally freaked out. Like, super scared and helpless. It’ll be a straight-up nightmare for them.
3. And on that day, Jerusalem’s gonna be this heavy-duty thing for everyone, you feel me? Anyone who tries to mess with it or get involved is gonna get totally wrecked, even if the whole world squads up against it.
4. Yo, check it! The LORD says, when the time comes, I’m gonna totally shock every horse and make their riders lose it. I’ll also watch over the house of Judah closely and blind every horse of their enemies.
5. And the leaders of Judah will be like, “Yo, the people of Jerusalem are totally my crew! They’re super strong because of the LORD, the ultimate boss, their God. They’ve got my back and everything!”
6. On that day, I’m gonna make the leaders of Judah lit, like a blazing bonfire in a stack of wood. They’re gonna totally dominate all the nearby peeps, like it’s nobody’s business. And you know what’s awesome? Jerusalem will revive and flourish in its rightful place, right there in Jerusalem.
7. Like, the LORD is gonna totally rescue the tents of Judah first, so that the epic glory of the house of David and the amazing glory of the folks in Jerusalem don’t get all prideful and diss Judah.
8. On that day, God will shield the peeps of Jerusalem, and even those who seem weak will be as strong as David. The Davidic fam will be like God, with the angel of the Lord leading the way. *Note: ‘feeble’ can also mean ‘fallen’ – just a heads up.
9. And yo, on that day, I’m gonna straight up wreck any nation dumb enough to mess with Jerusalem.
10. I’m gonna bless David’s crew and the folks in Jerusalem with some real good vibes and prayers. When they see me, the one they really hurt, they’ll be deeply moved, like when you lose your best friend or your closest sibling.
11. On that day, there will be a profound mourning in Jerusalem, like the mourning at Hadadrimmon in the valley of Megiddo.
12. And the whole land will be filled with sadness, each family on their own; the house of David’s fam apart from their spouses; the house of Nathan’s fam apart from their spouses; (each family on their own…)
13. The crew of the house of Levi split up, and their partners split up; the crew of Shimei split up, and their partners split up;
14. All the crews left, each crew in their own area, with their partners in their own areas too.

1. Yo, check it out fam! On that day, a dope fountain’s gonna pop off for the squad in the crib of David and the fam in Jerusalem. It’s gonna wash away all that sin and impurity, ya know what I’m saying? (uncleanness: Heb. separation for uncleanness)
2. And yo, on that day, the LORD of hosts is gonna straight up erase the names of those fake idols from the land, so they won’t even be remembered anymore. Plus, I’m gonna kick those wannabe prophets and their evil spirits outta here too.
3. And here’s the deal: If someone starts dropping some prophetic vibes, even their own parents will be like, “Nah, dude, you’re not legit! You’re straight up lying in the Lord’s name.” And you know what? When they keep at it with their prophecy, their parents will call them out and shut it down.
4. Yo, check it! In the future, those prophets are gonna be ashamed of their predictions. They won’t be flexing in fancy clothes to fool people either. Keeping it real, you know?
5. But, like, he’ll be like, “Nah man, I ain’t no prophet. I’m just a regular dude who’s been on the grind tending livestock, you know? Been learning that since I was a kid.”
6. And someone might ask, “Yo, what’s with those scars on your hands?” And he’ll be like, “These? They’re from when my friends turned their backs on me.”
7. Yo, check it! Sword, it’s on! Strike down my shepherd, my homie, says the LORD of hosts. When the shepherd goes down, the sheep will scatter, but I’ll look out for the little ones.
8. Yo, check it! The big man upstairs, AKA the LORD, has a message for y’all. Here’s the deal: In the whole land, two-thirds of the people are gonna peace out and meet their maker. But don’t stress, ’cause one-third is gonna survive and stick around. Just keeping it real, you know?
9. And I’ll put a third of them through some serious trials, you feel me? It’s like refining silver or testing gold. And they’ll straight up call out to me, and I’ll totally hear them. I’ll be like, “They’re my people!” and they’ll be like, “The LORD is our God!”

Sure, here’s the passage rephrased:

1. Yo, check it out! The day of the LORD is coming, and everything you’ve got is gonna be spread out right before you.
2. Yo, I’m gathering all the nations to roll up on Jerusalem. They gonna take over the city, raid the houses, and do some messed up stuff. Half the city will be captured, but the other half gonna hold it down.
3. And then God’s gonna step up and straight up wreck those nations, just like He’s done before in battles.
4. And on that day, he’ll be chillin’ on the mount of Olives, right in front of Jerusalem on the east side. And get this— the mount of Olives gonna split down the middle, makin’ a huge valley! Half the mountain heads north, and the other half heads south.
5. And you’ll head to the sick mountain spots; ’cause the mountains gonna stretch all the way to Azal. Yeah, you’ll jet, just like when you bounced during that mega earthquake back in the day when Uzziah was king of Judah. And the LORD my God gonna show up, with all the saints cruisin’ by your side.
6. And like, on that day, it’s gonna be super trippy, you know? The light won’t be all bright and shiny, but it won’t be mad dark either. It’s gonna be, like, a mix of both, you feel me? So some places gonna be kinda clear, while others gonna have this weird thickness in the darkness, you dig?
7. But there’s gonna be this one day that only the LORD gonna know, not like regular day or night. And check it—when evening hits, it’s gonna be epic. Like, serious light vibes. Trust.
8. Yo, check it! When that day comes, water straight outta Jerusalem gonna be flowing crazy. Half of it goin’ east, and the other half west. And peep this—it gonna flow nonstop, all year round, whether it’s summer or winter. No breaks, fam!
9. And the LORD gonna be the top boss over everyone: on that day, there’s gonna be only one LORD, and everyone gonna know His name.
10. The whole land, from Geba to Rimmon south of Jerusalem, gonna be made flat like a plain. It gonna be lifted up for people to live in. This includes from Benjamin’s gate to the first gate, all the way to the corner gate, and from the tower of Hananeel to the king’s winepresses.
11. And folks gonna settle there, with no more wreckage goin’ down; Jerusalem gonna be a secure spot to chill. Like, a comfy crib we can totally call ours.
12. Dude, get ready for the insane beatdown the LORD ’bout to drop on those who messed with Jerusalem. Imagine this: their flesh gonna straight up disintegrate while they stand there, their eyes gonna melt in their sockets, and their tongues gonna dissolve in their mouths. It’s gonna be a total wipeout!
13. Yo, on that day, it’s gonna get real wild with the LORD makin’ a big scene, ya feel? People gonna be grabbin’ each other’s hands, but instead of peace, they gonna turn on each other. Neighbor gonna be against neighbor—it’s gonna be straight chaotic.
14. And check it, Judah gonna straight up battle at Jerusalem, and they gonna scoop up all sorts of loot from the surrounding nations—like tons of gold, silver, and clothes, you know? It’s gonna be epic!
15. And yo, the horses, mules, camels, donkeys, and all the critters in those camps gonna feel the impact of that plague, man.
16. Listen up, yo, there’s gonna come a time when all the folks from different nations who tried to mess with Jerusalem gonna come back every year to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, and get down with the awesome feast of tabernacles.
17. And like, if anyone from any family anywhere on earth skips out on rollin’ to Jerusalem to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, then they ain’t gonna see any rain, dude.
18. And if Egypt’s crew doesn’t show up to join the party, they gonna miss out on some awesome vibes. And as a consequence, heavy punishment gonna come down on those outsiders who skip celebrating the feast of tabernacles.
19. If any nation decides to skip celebrating the feast of tabernacles, they gonna face consequences, just like Egypt and all the other nations.
20. On that day, even the bling on horses gonna be shouting ‘ALL HAIL THE LORD’, and the kitchen gear in the house of the LORD gonna be as swanky as the offering bowls on the altar.
21. Yeah, all the pots in Jerusalem and Judah gonna be totally sacred to the LORD of hosts. And anyone who wants to bring an offering can roll up and use ’em to cook up their grub. Oh, and just so you know, on that day, there ain’t gonna be any Canaanites chillin’ in the house of the LORD of hosts.