Numbers - Gen Z Bible

Numbers 1

So, picture this: Moses and God, just kicking it in the Sinai wilderness, having a chat in the meeting tent. It’s like, the first day of the second month, two years after they bounced from Egypt. And here’s the lowdown from the man upstairs…
Yo, gather all the Israelite crew, like, get everyone together—count ’em by their families and their dads’ houses, and jot down their names, like, one by one.
Alright, listen up, all you dudes in Israel who are 20 or older and ready to step up in battle—time to line up for the headcount, Aaron-style.
And, yeah, you gotta pick a rep from each tribe, like, the head honcho of their own family clique, you feel?
So, Reuben’s squad rolls with Elizur, son of Shedeur, holding it down.
Simeon’s posse is led by Shelumiel, Zurishaddai’s offspring, keepin’ it real.
Judah’s crew reps Nahshon, Amminadab’s offspring.
Issachar’s squad got Nethaneel, Zuar’s son, in the lead.
Zebulun’s fam got Eliab, Helon’s son, holding it down.
Joseph’s crew got Elishama, Ammihud’s kid, leading Ephraim, and Gamaliel, Pedahzur’s offspring, in charge of Manasseh.
Benjamin’s fam got Abidan, Gideoni’s offspring, reppin’.
Dan’s squad got Ahiezer, Ammishaddai’s son, holding it down.
Asher’s clique got Pagiel, son of Ocran, keeping it tight.
Gad’s crew got Eliasaph, also known as Deuel, leading the charge.
Naphtali’s crew got Ahira, Enan’s kid, holding it down.
These dudes were the real deal, leaders of their family tribes, bosses of the Israelite squads.
So, Moses and Aaron took note of these dudes, and here’s who they were…
Alright, so picture this: first day of the second month, right? Everyone comes together, sharing their family histories, you know, tracing it all back through their dads. Counting everyone 20 and older, like, a huge headcount situation, you dig?
Just like God told Moses, they counted ’em up in the middle of nowhere, at Sinai.
Reuben’s crew stepped up, organized by their families, counting everyone 20 or older ready to throw down in battle.
So, Reuben’s crew? 46,500 deep, man.
Simeon’s turn, counting by families, everyone 20 and older ready to battle.
Simeon’s count? 59,300 strong, bro.
Gad’s crew, counting by family history, picking out the warriors 20 and older.
Total from Gad? 45,650 warriors strong.
Judah’s turn, counting by families, everyone ready to hit the battlefield.
Judah’s total count? A whopping 74.6K, bro.
Issachar’s squad? Same deal, counting all the warriors.
Total from Issachar? 54,400 warriors, man.
Zebulun’s crew? Counted, sorted, ready to fight.
Total from Zebulun? 57,400 strong, bro.
Joseph’s turn, counting Ephraim’s crew, organizing by family units.
Ephraim’s total count? 40.5K strong, bro.
Manasseh’s crew? Counted up, ready to roll.
Total from Manasseh? 32,200 warriors deep, bro.
Benjamin’s turn, counting by families, picking out the fighters.
Benjamin’s total count? 35,400 warriors, bro.
Dan’s crew? Counted, organized, battle-ready.
Total from Dan? 62,700 warriors, bro.
Asher’s squad? Counted by clans, ready to fight.
Asher’s total count? 41,500 warriors strong, bro.
Naphtali’s crew? Counted up, ready for action.
Naphtali’s total count? 53,400 warriors deep, bro.
These were the peeps Moses, Aaron, and the leaders counted—twelve in all, each reppin’ their fam.
Every Israelite 20 and up, ready to fight, got counted by their fams.
Total count? 603.5K warriors, no joke.
But the Levites? Nah, they ain’t gettin’ counted with the rest.
So, God’s like, tellin’ Moses…
“Don’t bother countin’ the Levites with the rest of the Israelite crew.”
But, yo, Levites got the VIP duty—guarding the tabernacle, carryin’ it, takin’ care of it, campin’ around it, you know?
When the tabernacle moves, Levites got it covered—settin’ it up, takin’ it down. Don’t mess with it, or you’ll deal with them.
Israelites gotta set up camp, each with their own spot, their own squad, their own flag, wherever they roll.
And the Levites? They camp around the tabernacle, keepin’ things righteous for the whole Israelite crew.
And the Israel fam? They’re all in, followin’ every word God told Moses. Solid, right?

Numbers 2

So, God was like, “Hey Moses and Aaron, listen up,”
Hey, all the squad from the children of Israel gonna set up their own vibe, repping their fam’s legacy. They gonna chill near the tabernacle of the congregation, you know, like right across from it.
And on the east side where the sun comes up, the crew holding it down for the camp of Judah gonna set up camp with all their squads. Nahshon, Amminadab’s son, gonna lead the charge for the Judah squad.
And the squad, along with the ones who were counted, were like, sixty-four thousand and six hundred deep.
And the ones camping next to him gonna be the tribe of Issachar. Nethaneel, Zuar’s son, gonna be the top dog for the Issacharites.
And the posse, and the squad that was repping, totaled a solid 54.4k.
And representing the Zebulun squad is Eliab, Helon’s offspring, who’s about to take charge of the Zebulun crew.
And his squad, and the total count, were like 57k4h (57,400).
In the Judah squad, there were like a hundred thousand, eighty thousand, six thousand, and four hundred people. They’re the ones leading the pack, yo.
On the south side, the camp of Reuben will have their flag, with Elizur, son of Shedeur, leading their troops.
So, his crew and all the people in it, there were a total of 46,500.
And the ones who camp next to him gonna be from the tribe of Simeon, and the leader of the Simeonites gonna be Shelumiel, son of Zurishaddai.
And the squad, and all the peeps in it, were like fifty-nine thousand and three hundred in total.
Next up, the squad of Gad: Eliasaph, Reuel’s son, gonna be leading the way for the sons of Gad. (By the way, Reuel is also known as Deuel.)
And the squad he had, those counted among them, were 45,650 strong.
The total number of peeps in Reuben’s crew was 150,450, spread out across their squads. And they’re gonna roll out in the second wave, ya know?
Then the meeting spot will move along with the Levites in the middle of the crew. They’ll camp and move forward according to their assigned spots, each person following their own team.
The squad of Ephraim gonna rock it on the west side, with their leader Elishama, Ammihud’s offspring, leading their crew like a boss.
And his squad, and the ones that got counted, they were, like, 40k and 500.
And Manasseh’s crew will be led by Gamaliel, Pedahzur’s offspring.
And his crew, and the total number of them, were 32.2K.
Next up is the crew from Benjamin, led by Abidan, son of Gideoni. He’s got it on lock for his tribe, no doubt.
And his squad, and the total number of them, were like, 35.4k.
There were like, a whopping 108.1K soldiers in the Ephraim squad, ready to rumble. And they were gonna bring it, stepping up strong in the third position.
Yo, the camp of Dan gonna be on the north, surrounded by their armies, and leading the children of Dan is gonna be Ahiezer, Ammishaddai’s son, as their captain.
And his crew, and the total number of them, were sixty-two thousand and seven hundred.
And the squad chilling with him will be the crew of Asher: and the leader of the Asher squad will be Pagiel, Ocran’s son.
And the squad, along with all the cool peeps in it, totaled up to a whopping forty-one thousand five hundred!
And now, peep this squad from Naphtali: leading the pack of Naphtali crew will be Ahira, the offspring of Enan.
And the squad, along with all those who got counted, totaled up to fifty-three thousand and four hundred.
So, like, there were, like, a hundred thousand and fifty-seven thousand and six hundred peeps in the camp of Dan. And they gotta, like, chill in the back with their flags or whatever.
So here’s the deal: we got a headcount of all the Israelite peeps, organized by their family clans. The total number of folks included in this count, spread across all the different squads, was a whopping six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.
But, like, the Levites weren’t part of the headcount with the other Israelites, cuz that’s what the LORD told Moses to do.
So, like, the Israelites totally followed all the instructions that the LORD gave to Moses. They set up camp in their designated spots and moved forward, each fam holding their own spot, ya know, based on their dad’s lineage.

Numbers 3

Let me tell you about Aaron and Moses when the LORD was having a chat with Moses up on Mount Sinai.
Aaron had four sons: Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar.
These four sons were chosen to serve as priests, blessed and anointed for their sacred duties. Aaron, their father, personally consecrated them.
Unfortunately, Nadab and Abihu incurred divine wrath for offering unauthorized fire before the LORD in the wilderness of Sinai. They had no children, leaving Eleazar and Ithamar to carry on their priestly duties under the supervision of Aaron.
God had a message for Moses.
Gather the tribe of Levi and present them to Aaron the high priest, so they may assist him in the tabernacle duties and minister alongside him.
Their responsibilities include overseeing the tabernacle and ensuring order and organization at the meeting tent, maintaining the sacred space.
They are also tasked with caring for the furnishings of the tabernacle, ensuring that the Israelites carry out their responsibilities in connection with the tent of meeting.
Assign the Levites to Aaron and his sons; they are dedicated to him from among the Israelites.
Aaron and his sons are to oversee the priests’ duties and protect their priestly office. Anyone else who tries to assume these responsibilities will face severe consequences.
God spoke to Moses again.
I’ve chosen the Levites from among the Israelites to serve as substitutes for all the firstborn sons. They belong to me, says the LORD.
All the firstborn sons and animals belong to me. When I struck down the firstborns in Egypt, I set them apart as my own, for I am the LORD.
God spoke to Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, saying:
Count all the male Levites one month old or older, according to their ancestral families.
Moses did as the LORD commanded, counting them according to the divine instructions.
These were the Levites by their families, Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.
Gershon had two sons: Libni and Shimei.
Kohath had four sons: Amram, Izehar, Hebron, and Uzziel, each with their own family line.
Merari had two families: Mahli and Mushi. These were the Levite families, organized by their ancestral homes.
The Gershonites consisted of the families of Libni and Shimei.
Their count totaled seven thousand five hundred males aged one month and older.
They camped behind the tabernacle, on the west side.
The leader of the Gershonite families was Eliasaph, the son of Lael.
The Gershonites’ responsibility was to care for the tent and its coverings, the curtains of the courtyard, and the curtain for the entrance of the courtyard surrounding the tabernacle and altar. They were in charge of setting up and maintaining these items.
The Kohathites included the Amramites, Izeharites, Hebronites, and Uzzielites. They were organized into four distinct family groups.
Their count totaled eight thousand six hundred males aged one month and older. They were responsible for the most sacred objects in the sanctuary.
They camped on the south side of the tabernacle.
The leader of the Kohathite families was Elizaphan, the son of Uzziel.
Their duties included caring for the ark, the table, the lampstand, the altars, the utensils of the sanctuary, and the curtain, along with all the service connected with these items.
Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, was appointed over the leaders of the Levites and was responsible for the oversight of those who were responsible for the care of the sanctuary.
The Merarites were divided into the Mahlites and the Mushites, comprising the two Merarite families.
Their count totaled six thousand two hundred males aged one month and older.
The leader of the Merarite families was Zuriel, the son of Abihail. They camped on the north side of the tabernacle.
Their responsibilities included caring for the frames of the tabernacle, its crossbars, posts, and bases, as well as the accessories and all the equipment related to their use.
They camped just to the north of the tabernacle.
Their duties included the frames of the courtyard, its bases, posts, and cords.
The responsibility of Moses, Aaron, and his sons was to camp to the east of the tabernacle, toward the sunrise, ensuring that no unauthorized person entered the sanctuary. Anyone who did so would face the penalty of death.
Moses and Aaron counted all the Levites according to the LORD’s command, numbering them from one month old and upward. The total came to twenty-two thousand.
God had another message for Moses.
“Count all the firstborn sons of Israel, one month old and older. Get their names and register them.
Moses carried out this task, counting all the firstborn sons in Israel.
The total number of firstborn males, one month old and older, was twenty-two thousand two hundred and seventy-three.
God spoke again to Moses.
“I have a different plan. Instead of the firstborn sons of Israel and their animals, I want the Levites and their livestock. They will be dedicated to me; I am the LORD.”
There were two hundred and seventy-three more firstborn sons than Levites who needed redemption.
Each one is to be redeemed for five shekels, according to the sanctuary shekel, which weighs twenty gerahs.
Give the money to Aaron and his sons as the redemption price for the excess number of Israelites.”
Moses collected the redemption money from those who exceeded the number redeemed by the Levites.
He collected one thousand three hundred and sixty-five shekels, according to the sanctuary shekel.
Moses gave the redemption money to Aaron and his sons, just as the LORD commanded. Moses followed the LORD’s instructions precisely, without deviation.

Numbers 4

So, like, God hits up Moses and Aaron, right? And He’s all like,
Go on, tally up the Kohath crew, the Levi squad, based on their fams and their pops’ spots.
Anyone from thirty to fifty jumping in to help out at the party tent has gotta bring their A-game.
So, here’s the deal for the Kohath crew at the gathering tent – they’re handling the VIP stuff, no joke:
When it’s time to roll out, Aaron and the crew swoop in, take down the sick curtain, and use it to cover up the main event: the Ark of Testimony:
Then they wrap it up in badger skin, slap on a blue cover, and hook it up with the poles.
They gotta lay a blue cover on the table, with all the dishware, spoons, and bowls, fully stacked. Don’t forget the bread!
They gotta swaddle them in a rad scarlet cloth, then layer it with some slick badger skins, and secure it with cool staves, you know.
Then they gotta wrap up the candlestick and all the gear in a lit blue cloth. The tongs, snuff dishes, and oil vessels are part of the deal, you feel?
Swaddle it all up with some sick badger skins. Then slide it onto a bar, nice and smooth.
Lay down a dope blue cloth on the altar, and wrap it up in some sick badger skins, handles included:
Wrap up all the holy gear in a cool blue cloth, then cover it with some fresh badger skins. Then slide it onto a bar.
Sweep up the ashes, then toss a rad purple cloth on it like, BAM!
Put all the service gear on it – incense burners, meat hooks, shovels, and bowls. Cover it up with badger skins and hook on the poles.
Once Aaron and the squad finish setting up the sacred space, and they’re ready to roll, it’s the Kohath crew’s turn to carry the big guns, but hands off the holy stuff, or it’s game over. Those are the major moves of the Kohath crew at the chill worship spot.
And Eleazar, Aaron’s son and priest extraordinaire, is in charge of the oil, incense, daily food, anointing oil, keeping tabs on the tabernacle, and all the gear inside, like the sanctuary and its lit setup.
Yo, God dms Moses and Aaron, like,
Don’t ghost the Kohath crew from the Levi fam:
Treat them right, so they stay alive when they’re around the VIP stuff. Aaron and his crew will set each person up with their gig and tasks.
But don’t peek at the holy stuff, or it’s lights out.
God slides into Moses’ DMs, saying,
Tally up the Gershon homies by their fam houses, man.
Count all the peeps, 30 to 50, ready to serve and battle, you know?
Gershon’s crew is all about serving and hauling.
Hauling the chill curtains, the tabernacle itself, the top gear, and the fresh badger skin covers. Don’t forget the door cover. Pretty lit, right?
Also the chill curtains around the court, the door cover by the tabernacle and altar, and all the lit gear and cords for service, and all the stuff they need, that’s their game.
Aaron and the crew oversee all the Gershonites’ work. Clear instructions on their tasks are a must.
Here’s what Gershon’s sons do in the tabernacle: under Ithamar, Aaron’s son and priest. No joke, that’s their hustle.
Tally up the Merari homies by fam and dad’s crib.
Tally all the peeps, 30 to 50, ready to serve in the tabernacle, like it’s a service, but more like a battle, you know?
Their tasks in the sacred meeting place: setting up the wooden walls, bars, pillars, and bases.
So there were these dope pillars around the court, with cool sockets and pins and all. Also, all the sick gear and stuff for service. And yo, know the gear names, it’s key!
This is how the Merari boys do: handling tasks at the meeting place, taking cues from Ithamar, Aaron’s son and priest.
So, Moses, Aaron, and the OG leaders count the Kohathite dudes, sorting them by fam and ancestral homes.
Anyone 30 to 50 looking to join the crew at the party tent can totally sign up:
Total headcount from each fam: 2,750.
Moses and Aaron count the Kohathite fams as commanded by the Big Man Upstairs, delivered by Moses himself.
They counted the sons of Gershon, tallying their fams and their dads’ cribs.
Anyone from 30 to 50, down to do work at the party tent of the crew,
The total tally within their clans, based on family lineage: 2,630 peeps.
The peeps counted from Gershon’s families, all the helpers at the crew hangout spot, counted by Moses and Aaron, per the Big Man’s word, delivered by Moses.
Tally up the Merari boys by their fam and dad’s crib,
Anybody 30 or older, up to 50, ready to serve in the tabernacle, can step up!
So, total count from their fam: 3,200 peeps.
The scoop: counted out from the Merari fam, Moses and Aaron running the count, following the word from the Big Man, delivered by Moses.
Moses, Aaron, and the OG leaders count all them Levites, from each fam and ancestral house.
Anyone from 30 to 50 down to join the crew or help with the heavy lifting at the meeting place.
Total headcount: 8,580 peeps in their crew.
As the LORD ordered, Moses counts each person by role and responsibility. All counted as the LORD commanded Moses.

Numbers 5

Then God’s like, ‘Yo Moses, listen up,’
Tell the Israelite crew to kick out anyone with leprosy, folks dealing with bodily issues, and those who’ve been around the dead.
Get both guys and girls out of the camp and keep ’em out so they don’t mess with the vibe where I’m chilling.
So the Israelite squad did the deed, just like the LORD told Moses. They were totally on point, no doubt.
God hit up Moses, like,
Yo, Israelites! If anyone starts acting shady, sinning, disrespecting the Lord, they’re in trouble, fam.
So, they gotta own up to it, right? And pay back what they owe, plus 20%, to the person they wronged, you know?
But if they ain’t got fam to pay back, then they gotta pay up to the LORD, like to the priest. Plus, throw in a ram to make things right.
Whatever the Israelites give to the priest as their holy stuff, it’s his.
Everyone keeps their own sacred stuff: whatever they give to the priest, stays with them.
So God’s like, talking to Moses and saying,
Yo, Israelites, listen up! If a guy’s wife does him dirty,
And if he hooks up with her on the low, and they keep it secret, and she cheats on him, and nobody sees them, and she gets away with it…
And if he starts getting all suspicious, thinking she’s cheating, whether she did or not,
So, he’s gotta take her to the priest, with an offering, like one-tenth of barley meal. No oil or fancy stuff, just a reminder.
Then the priest brings her before the Lord:
The priest gets some holy water in a clay pot, mixes it with tabernacle floor dust. It’s lit.
The priest brings her before the Lord, takes off her head covering, gives her the offering to hold, and holds the bitter water.
The priest makes her swear, saying, if you haven’t cheated, you’re cool from this water curse.
But if you did cheat,
The priest will make her swear, saying, God’s gonna curse you hard. Your leg will go gross and your stomach will blow up.
And the water curse will make your belly swell and your thigh rot. The woman says, Amen, amen.
The priest writes it all down, then erases it with salty water:
Then he makes her drink the nasty water, and it’s bitter.
Next, the priest takes her offering, waves it before the Lord, then puts it on the altar:
Then he burns a bit of the offering, like a reminder, and makes her drink the water.
And if she did wrong, the water curse kicks in, making her bitter. Her belly swells and her thigh rots. She’s cursed.
But if she’s clean, she’s free to conceive.
When it comes to jealousy: if a wife disses her man and cheats, trust’s broken, and yeah, it’s messy.
Or when he gets all jealous, brings her before the LORD, and the priest lays down the law.
So, the dude ain’t guilty, and the girl takes the blame for her own actions.

Numbers 6

So God was like, chatting with Moses, and dropped this line,
Yo, Israelites! God’s got a message for y’all. If anyone wants to get into that Nazarite vibe and commit to the Lord, they gotta do it right. It’s all about that separation, you dig?
No more booze for them, nada. No wine, beer, or even grape juice. It’s a dry life, no sips allowed.
Throughout their dedication, it’s a grape-free zone, from the juicy fruit to the outer shells.
Their hair’s gotta flow, no haircuts allowed. Let those locks grow long, showing they’re all in for the LORD. It’s a holiness statement.
If they’re on that dedication vibe, they gotta steer clear of any dead vibes.
Don’t bring shame on the fam even when they’ve passed, ’cause they’re all about following the Lord’s lead.
During their dedication, it’s all about being 100% for the LORD.
Accidentally mess up that holy hair? Shave it off on day seven to start fresh.
And like, on the eighth day, bring two cool turtles or young pigeons to the priest, right at the tabernacle door:
One’s for a sin offering, the other’s a burnt offering, fixing things up ’cause they got caught up with the dead. Then, they’re consecrated again.
During their dedication, they bring a young lamb for an offering to make things right for any slip-ups. But any days before the slip-up don’t count anymore.
Yo, when their dedication’s up, they gotta head to the tabernacle entrance where everyone gathers. That’s the law, fam.
Bring offerings to the LORD, like a young lamb for a sick burnt offering, a fly ewe lamb for a lit sin offering, and a rad ram for peace offerings, all flawless.
Plus a basket of flatbread, cakes, and crispy unleavened bread soaked in oil, with food and drink offerings.
The priest brings these offerings before the LORD, handling the sin and burnt offerings:
Offer that ram to the LORD with non-leavened bread. The priest throws in his own meat and drink offering.
Buzz that hair at the meeting spot entrance, then burn those locks under the peace offerings.
The priest grabs the cooked ram’s shoulder, plus unleavened cakes and wafers, puts ’em in the Nazarite’s hands after the shave.
Flex those offerings as a wave before the LORD, plus the chest and shoulder portions, then party with some wine.
For Nazarites sticking to their vows, bringing offerings to the LORD, they gotta stay true to their commitment, on top of their daily hustle.
So, God drops in on Moses with this,
Yo, Aaron and his crew, listen up. When you bless the Israelites, hit ’em with this:
May God bless and protect you:
May the LORD show you love and kindness, lighting up your life:
May God bless you with peace and good vibes.
And they’ll represent me in Israel, and I’ll bless them.

Numbers 7

And when Moses wrapped up the tabernacle gig, anointing it and all its gear, like the altar and stuff, he made them holy too.
So, the big shots of Israel, you know, the reps from each fam and tribe, in charge of the whole crew, they were the ones bringing the offerings.
They pulled up to the LORD’s spot with six lit wagons and twelve bulls. Each prince got a ride and a bull, rolling up to the tabernacle in style.
So, God hits up Moses, you know? And He’s like, ‘Yo, Moses, tune in! I got something crucial to say!’
Just snatch the goods from them, so they can do their thing at the hangout spot, and hook up the Levites with what they need.
So Moses grabbed the fresh rides and strong bulls and handed them over to the Levite crew.
He hooked the sons of Gershon up with two slick wagons and four buff bulls, for their gig:
The sons of Merari got four cool wagons and eight beefy bulls, for their tasks under Ithamar, Aaron’s son, who was in charge.
But the Kohathites got no wheels because their job was to carry stuff on their shoulders at the sanctuary.
When they dedicated the altar on the anointing day, the squad leaders flexed their offerings right in front of the altar.
Then God was like, ‘Yo, Moses, tell the princes to bring their offerings on their designated days to dedicate the altar.’
Nahshon from Judah went first, bringing a lit charger and bowl, filled with fine flour and oil:
One lit gold spoon, packed with fire incense:
And a lit bull, ram, and fresh lamb for the ultimate burnt offering vibes.
Plus a goat for making up for slip-ups:
Nahshon also brought two big oxen, five rams, five wild goats, and five young lambs for peace offerings. That was his flex for the LORD!
On day two, Nethaneel from Issachar rolled in with a silver charger and bowl filled with fine flour and oil:
Plus a gold spoon filled with fragrant incense:
Nethaneel brought a beefy bull, rad ram, and fresh lamb for a sick burnt offering:
Plus a goat to make things right:
And two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace vibes.
On the third day, Eliab from Zebulun came through with silver swag filled with fine flour and oil:
A gold spoon full of fragrant incense:
Eliab’s offering included a lit bull, sick ram, and pure lamb for a fire burnt offering:
Plus a goat for making up for wrongs:
Eliab also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace offerings.
Elizur from Reuben stepped up on day four, bringing silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Elizur brought a rad bull, fresh ram, and cute lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
Plus a goat for those mistakes:
Elizur’s peace offering included two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs.
On day five, Shelumiel from Simeon came in with silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Along with a gold spoon filled with incense:
Shelumiel sacrificed a fresh bull, rad ram, and dope lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for those times you mess up:
Shelumiel also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace vibes.
On the sixth day, Eliasaph from Gad offered silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Eliasaph brought a fresh bull, rad ram, and lit lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for making up for mistakes:
Eliasaph also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace offerings.
On day seven, Elishama from Ephraim came through with silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Elishama flexed with a lit bull, rad ram, and fresh lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for those mess-ups:
Elishama also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace vibes.
On day eight, Gamaliel from Manasseh brought silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Gamaliel sacrificed a rad bull, fresh ram, and cute lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for making up for wrongs:
Gamaliel also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace offerings.
On day nine, Abidan from Benjamin stepped up with silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Abidan sacrificed a fresh bull, rad ram, and lit lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for those oops moments:
Abidan also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace vibes.
On day ten, Ahiezer from Dan came through with silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Ahiezer brought a lit bull, rad ram, and fresh lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for those times you goof up:
Ahiezer also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace offerings.
On day eleven, Pagiel from Asher offered silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Pagiel sacrificed a fresh bull, rad ram, and lit lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for making up for mistakes:
Pagiel also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace vibes.
On day twelve, Ahira from Naphtali brought silver gear and flour-filled bowls:
Plus a golden spoon filled with incense:
Ahira flexed with a lit bull, rad ram, and fresh lamb for the ultimate burnt offering:
And a goat for those slip-ups:
Ahira also brought two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five lambs for peace offerings.
So, when they were ready to dedicate the altar, the big shots of Israel, the top dogs, brought twelve silver plates, twelve silver bowls, and twelve gold spoons. Everything had to be classy for the occasion!
Each silver charger weighed 130 shekels, and each bowl was 70 shekels. The total weight of the silver was 2400 shekels.
There were 12 gold spoons, each filled with incense, weighing 10 shekels each. The total weight of the gold used was 120 shekels.
For the burnt offering, there were twelve bulls, twelve rams, twelve one-year-old lambs, and their grain offerings. And for the sin offering, there were twelve young goats.
And there were 24 oxen sacrificed for peace offerings, along with 60 rams, 60 goats, and 60 one-year-old lambs. That’s how they dedicated the altar after it got anointed.
So Moses went into the chill spot to chat with God, and suddenly heard a voice coming from the mercy seat on top of the ark. It was between the two angel figures, and God was speaking directly to him. (By the way, when I say ‘with him,’ I mean with God.)

Numbers 8

And God was like, “Hey, Moses, listen up,”
Yo, Aaron! When you light up those lamps, make sure all seven lamps shine bright right across from the candlestick, cool?
And Aaron did it; he lit the lamps just like the LORD told Moses.
The candlestick was made of pure gold and had intricate details, like flowers, that were also beaten into shape. It was created exactly as the LORD showed Moses, following the divine blueprint.
Yo, the LORD totally spoke to Moses, like, straight up said,
Yo, pick some Levites from the crew of Israel, and make sure they’re clean AF.
So this is what you gotta do to make things right: Splash them with some cleansing water, totally shave off every hair, give their clothes a good scrub, and they’ll be squeaky clean. Yeah, that’s how it’s done.
Alright, grab a fresh young bullock and pair it up with a cool meat offering, like some fine flour mixed with oil. Oh, and don’t forget to grab another young bullock for a sin offering.
Yo, bring all the Levites to the tabernacle and gather the entire crew of Israelite homies:
And, like, you gotta gather the Levites and bring them before the LORD, ya know? And then, the children of Israel gotta lay their hands on the Levites, for real.
And Aaron is gonna flex the Levites in front of the LORD, like an offering from the squad of Israel, so they can do their thing for the LORD. Ya know, wave ’em and all that. They gotta execute the service, you know how it is.
The Levites gonna put their hands on the bullocks’ heads: you gonna offer one of ’em as a sin offering, and the other one as a burnt offering, to the LORD, to make things right for the Levites.
And you’ll put the Levites in front of Aaron and his sons, and present them as an offering to the LORD.
So basically, you gotta pull the Levites aside from all the Israelite kids. Like, they’re gonna be exclusively mine, you know?
Then the Levites will start doing their thing at the tabernacle, and you gotta make sure they’re all clean and offer them as an offering.
Yo, the children of Israel are like, fully dedicated to me. I’ve chosen them to be mine, in place of the firstborn of every Israelite. They’re all mine, my peeps.
All the firstborns of the Israelites belong to me, including humans and animals. On the day when I punished the firstborns in Egypt, I set them apart as sacred for myself.
So like, I chose the Levites to take care of all the firstborn peeps of Israel.
So, like, I’ve chosen the Levites to be a special present for Aaron and his sons. They’ll be the ones doing all the important work in the tabernacle and making things right for the people of Israel. This way, no bad stuff will happen to the people when they get close to the sanctuary.
So, like, Moses, Aaron, and all the crew of Israelite peeps, they did exactly what the LORD told Moses to do for the Levites. The whole gang of Israelites followed through on that for them.
The Levites were like, super clean after they washed their clothes and stuff. Then, Aaron offered them up as an offering to the LORD, and he made sure they were all purified and cleansed. It was like a fresh start for them and all, ya know?
And then the Levites went in to do their job in the tabernacle in front of Aaron and his sons, just as the LORD had told Moses to command the Levites. So, the Levites did as they were told.
God hit up Moses and was like,
Here’s what the Levites gotta do: once they hit 25, they start serving at the tabernacle. It’s like their duty, you know? Can’t wait until they’re old enough, then they can do all the important stuff there. It’s like waging a war, but inside the tabernacle, y’know?
Once they hit fifty, they’re off duty and don’t have to serve anymore. No more going into battle!
But they gotta work together with their squad in the tabernacle, doin’ their duties, but ain’t gotta hustle. That’s how you gotta treat the Levites when it comes to their responsibilities.

Numbers 9

Yo, check it, God straight up had a convo with Moses out in the Sinai desert about a year after they dipped from Egypt. Here’s the scoop:
Moses, tell the Israel crew to keep Passover on lock when the time comes, got it?
On the fourteenth of this month, when it’s lights out, it’s Passover time, following all the rules and stuff.
So Moses tells the Israel squad to get ready to party for Passover.
And they did, on the fourteenth of the first month, out in the Sinai wilderness. They did it just like how the LORD told Moses, and the Israel crew were totally on point.
So, there were these dudes who accidentally touched a dead body and got messed up. They couldn’t do Passover that day. So, they hit up Moses and Aaron for advice, it was a big deal.
And those dudes were like, “We’re messed up from touching a dead body. Why can’t we bring our offering to the Lord with everyone else?”
Moses was like, “Hold up, lemme see what the LORD says about this.”
So, God starts talking to Moses, and He’s like,
Listen up! God’s saying to the Israel crew, if any of y’all or your descendants are unclean from touching dead stuff or on a long trip, no worries. You can still do Passover and show love to the big man upstairs.
On the fourteenth of the second month, when it’s lights out, get ready to feast. Grab some unleavened bread and herbs.
Gotta finish it all up by morning, and don’t mess with any bones. Follow Passover rules, no exceptions.
But if a dude is clean and chills at home and decides not to do Passover, he’s out. He didn’t bring his offering to the LORD on time, so he gotta own up.
And if someone not from around here wants to join Passover to honor the LORD, they gotta follow all the rules, just like everyone else. We’re all in this together, no matter where you’re from.
So, when they finished setting up the tabernacle, this dope cloud covered it, especially the tent with the testimony. And at night, it looked like there was a lit fire on the tabernacle until morning.
During the day, the cloud covered it, and at night, there was a fire.
So when the cloud moved from the tabernacle, the Israel crew was like, “Let’s bounce.” They’d camp wherever the cloud stopped.
When the LORD said move, they moved. They chilled as long as the cloud was on the tabernacle.
When the cloud lingered, the Israel crew stayed put, ’cause that’s what the LORD wanted. #nohurry
The cloud hung around for a bit, and they stayed in their tents until it moved.
When the cloud hung around from evening till morning, they moved. Whenever it lifted, they kept it moving.
Whether it was two days or a year, when the cloud chilled, they stayed put. But when it lifted, it was time to roll.
The crew listened to the LORD, chillin’ when told and moving when ordered. They stayed true, following Moses, just like the LORD said.

Numbers 10

God was like, “Yo Moses, listen up,
Make two dope silver trumpets, all in one piece. They’re for rallying the squad and signaling it’s time to move camps.
When they blow those horns, everyone gathers at the meeting spot entrance.
If they blow just one, the big leaders over thousands in Israel roll with you.
When you hear the horn, the east side camps dip first.
Then when they blow again, it’s the south side’s turn. They blast the horn to signal they’re on the move.
But if it’s just a casual meet-up vibe, give a light toot, no need for the full-on alarm, you know?
Aaron’s sons, the priests, are on trumpet duty, forever. It’s a family tradition, ya get it?
If you’re in a turf battle with your oppressors, trumpet it up! God will notice and help you throw down.
On good days, special occasions, or each month’s kick-off, trumpet it out to show gratitude for the sacrifices. It’s a reminder to God, and by the way, I’m the LORD your God.
So, on the twentieth day of the second month, in year two, the cloud peaced out from the testimony tent.
So, Israelites hit the road from Sinai to Paran, following Moses’ orders.
They bounced, sticking to the LORD’s plan through Moses.
First up, Judah’s crew led by Nahshon, Amminadab’s spawn, with their own flag.
Issachar’s crew led by Nethaneel, Zuar’s kid, was next.
Zebulun’s squad was led by Eliab, Helon’s offspring.
Gershon and Merari fams packed up the tent and rolled.
Reuben’s squad led by Elizur, Shedeur’s kid, was next.
Simeon’s crew was led by Shelumiel, Zurishaddai’s son.
Gad’s squad was led by Eliasaph, Deuel’s son.
Kohathites moved the holy stuff, while others set up the tabernacle.
Ephraim’s crew led by Elishama, Ammihud’s son, moved out.
Manasseh’s crew led by Gamaliel, Pedahzur’s son, followed.
Benjamin’s squad led by Abidan, Gideoni’s kid, rolled out.
Dan’s squad, the rear guard, led by Ahiezer, Ammishaddai’s son, followed.
Asher’s crew led by Pagiel, Ocran’s son, was next.
Naphtali’s crew led by Ahira, Enan’s son, closed the lineup.
So, that’s how Israelites rolled, squad by squad, on the move. Just keeping it real with their crews.
Moses was like, “Hey Hobab, Raguel’s son, right? We’re headed to this sick spot promised by the LORD. You should roll with us, man. We got your back, and good things are coming for Israel, trust!”
But Hobab was like, “Nah, gonna dip back to my turf and chill with fam.”
Moses was like, “Bro, don’t peace out on us. You’re our wilderness guide, our eyes out here, you feel?”
“Come with us, and we’ll treat you as well as the LORD treats us!”
So they bounced from the LORD’s mountain, journeying three days. The sacred ark led, searching for a chill spot to rest.
The LORD’s vibes were with them by day whenever they left camp.
When the ark moved, Moses said, “Yo, LORD, make our haters bounce.”
And when it stopped, he said, “Come back, LORD, to the massive Israel crew.”

Numbers 11

When the squad started whining, it totally got on the LORD’s nerves. And the LORD was all ears to their complaints, which seriously annoyed Him. His anger blazed up like a wildfire, scorching the camp’s outskirts and taking out the troublemakers. (BTW, by “complained,” I mean they were mega complainers, you feel? And by “displeased,” I mean it seriously got under the LORD’s skin.)
So the peeps were like, “Moses, help us out!” And Moses was all, “Yo, God, can you chill with the fire?” And bam, just like that, the fire was out.
And He was like, “Let’s name this place Taberah, ’cause, you know, it was lit with the LORD’s fire burning up in there.”
And the diverse crew with them started craving stuff they shouldn’t: and the Israelites were back at it, crying again, like, who’s gonna hook us up with some meat? They couldn’t control their cravings and started bawling again.
Yo, remember those lit fish we used to chow down on back in Egypt like it was NBD? And those vibes from the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic? They were fire.
But, like, we’re totally drained: all we got here is this manna staring us in the face.
The manna was like tiny coriander seeds and had a color like bdellium.
So, the peeps gathered it, ground it up, crushed it, baked it, and made some yummy cakes. And let me tell you, it tasted as good as fresh oil!
And when it got misty at night, this cool thing called manna fell from the sky and landed, you know?
So, Moses heard the crew crying by their tents. And man, the LORD got super ticked, which didn’t sit well with Moses either.
So, Moses straight up asked God, “Why you making things so hard? Did I tick you off or what? Feels like you’re dumping responsibilities on me without any support.”
Did I birth these peeps? Am I their creator so you can ask me to babysit them and lead them to the promised land?
Where am I supposed to get food for all these peeps? They keep crying for meat.
I can’t handle them alone; it’s too much.
And if you’re gonna keep treating me like this, just end me now, if I’ve done something wrong. I’d rather not see how miserable my life has become.
So, the LORD told Moses, “Round up seventy OGs and bring them to the tent.”
And I’ll chat with you there and spread your vibe to them; they’ll share the load of dealing with the peeps, so you’re not alone.
Get ready for tomorrow; we’re feasting on meat! You’ve been crying for it, now get hyped!
It’s not just for a day, or two, or five, not even ten, or twenty days!
Seriously, for a whole month, until you’re sick of it, because you dissed the LORD and cried about Egypt.
So Moses was like, “600k peeps? You feeding them meat for a month? That’s wild.”
Are we supposed to slaughter animals for them? Or magically gather all the fish?
And God was like, “Seriously? Watch and see.”
So Moses shared the words of the LORD with the peeps and gathered the OGs.
And God gave them His spirit, and they started prophesying.
Eldad and Medad started prophesying in the camp, even though they didn’t go to the tent.
Some dude told Moses, “Eldad and Medad are prophesying!”
Joshua was like, “Moses, stop them!”
Moses was like, “You jelly? I wish everyone had the LORD’s spirit!”
So Moses and the OGs went to the camp.
The LORD sent quails from the sea, surrounding the camp, like a massive feast!
They gathered quails day and night, sharing them around.
But before they finished, God got angry and struck them with sickness.
They named that place Kibrothhattaavah, where they buried those pleasure-seekers.
Then they moved to Hazeroth and set up camp.

Numbers 12

So, Miriam and Aaron were giving Moses some major side-eye because he tied the knot with an Ethiopian girl. Yeah, he went and said, “I do” to someone from Ethiopia! (By the way, Ethiopian means Cushite, just so you know.)
And they were all like, ‘Hold up, did God only text Moses? Like, wasn’t He DMing us too?’ And then God was like, ‘Yep, got that message loud and clear.’
(OMG, Moses was, like, crazy humble, even more than anyone else out there.)
So, out of the blue, the LORD was like, ‘Hey Moses, Aaron, Miriam, slide into the tabernacle, ASAP!’ And, you know what? They actually rolled up there, no questions asked.
Then God came down from the heavens, in a seriously rad cloud, and posted up at the entrance of the holy tent. He called out to Aaron and Miriam, and they both pulled up.
Yo, listen up! If there’s a prophetic homie among y’all, I, the LORD, will straight up show myself to them in a vision or hit ’em up in a dream.
Moses, my main man, is legit, like, super trustworthy in handling all my business.
I’m gonna have a real talk with him, no shady business, and he’s gonna get a clear vision from the LORD. So why were y’all not scared to diss my boy Moses?
God was seriously ticked off at them, so He peaced out.
And the cloud dipped from the tent, and guess what? Miriam suddenly got this skin condition, like super pale, like snow. And Aaron saw Miriam, and, whoa, he had the same skin condition too!
Yo Moses, my dude, please don’t throw shade at us for this dumb mistake we made and the sin we committed. It’s a total facepalm moment, bro.
Don’t let her be like a total ghost, all flesh half eaten up when she’s born.
And Moses hit up the big man upstairs like, ‘Yo Lord, I’m begging you, can you please fix her up?’
And God was like, ‘Yo Moses, if her dad just roasted her, wouldn’t she be mad embarrassed for a whole week? Bench her from the squad for a week, and then she can come back and vibe with us.
So Miriam got benched from the crew for a whole week, and the squad didn’t even move forward without her being let back in.
Then the squad dipped from Hazeroth and posted up camp in the wildlands of Paran.

Numbers 13

So, like, God was all, ‘Yo Moses, listen up,’
Yo, pick some homies to scope out Canaan, the land I’m hooking up to the children of Israel. Send a rep from each tribe, ya know, a legit leader.
So Moses, following God’s orders, sent them out from the wilderness of Paran. All those dudes were leaders of the Israelite squad.
And these were their names: from the tribe of Reuben, Shammua, who was Zaccur’s kid.
Representing the squad of Simeon, we got Shaphat, Hori’s offspring.
Representing Judah, we got Caleb, Jephunneh’s son.
Igal, Joseph’s son, represents the tribe of Issachar.
Representing the Ephraim crew, we got Oshea, AKA Joshua, Nun’s son.
Representing Benjamin, we got Palti, Raphu’s offspring.
Representing the Zebulun squad, we got Gaddiel, Sodi’s offspring in the mix.
Representing Team Joseph, specifically from the squad of Manasseh, we got Gaddi, Susi’s child.
Ammiel, Gemalli’s son, representing the Dan tribe.
Representin’ the Asher squad, we got Sethur holdin’ it down as Michael’s son.
Representing the Naphtali squad, we got Nahbi, Vophsi’s offspring.
Representin’ the tribe of Gad, we got Geuel, Machi’s son.
These are the guys that Moses sent to scope out the land. And Moses gave Oshea, aka Joshua, the nickname Jehoshua.
So Moses sent them to check out the land of Canaan and told them, ‘Go up this road in the south and head towards the mountains.’
Check out the land and peep the scene, see who’s living there – are they flexin’ or kinda weak, a small squad or a massive crew?
So, like, they were checking out the land where these people live, you know? They wanted to know if it was a good place or a total dump. And they also wanted to scope out the cities they were living in—whether they were chilling in tents or hiding out in fortresses, you feel me?
Yo, check out what the land is like. Is it rich or nah? Any dope trees around? Don’t be scared, fam. Confidence is key. Bring back some tasty fruits from the land. It’s grape season, y’all!
So they went up and explored the land from the desert of Zin all the way to Rehob, like people reaching Hamath.
So, they headed south and reached Hebron where Ahiman, Sheshai, and Talmai, who were the children of Anak, were chilling. (By the way, Hebron was actually built seven years before Zoan in Egypt.)
So they went to this really cool place called Eshcol and found this huge bunch of grapes. They decided to carry it on a stick together with their friends. Also, they picked some pomegranates and figs!
That spot got the name Eshcol, ’cause it had a mad bunch of grapes that the Israelite crew snatched up.
And after like, 40 days of checking out the land, they came back, you know?
So they went and met up with Moses, Aaron, and all the Israelites out in the wilderness of Paran, at Kadesh. They reported to them and showed everyone the awesome fruit they had found.
So we were like, ‘Hey, we went to that place you sent us to, and dude, it’s amazing! It’s full of good stuff like milk and honey. And check out these fruits we brought back!
But yo, the peeps living in that land be mad strong, and the cities be like protected with hella big walls and all. Plus, we spotted these straight-up giants, the children of Anak, in there.
Bruh, the Amalekites are chilling down in the southern lands, while the Hittites, Jebusites, and Amorites are posted up in the mountains. The Canaanites are holding it down by the sea and the coast of Jordan, you feel me?
So Caleb gathered everyone around Moses and said, ‘Yo, let’s charge straight up and claim that land as ours! We got this, fam. We totally have what it takes to conquer it!’
But the dudes who rolled with him were like, nah bro, we can’t take on those people ’cause they’re way more buff than us.
So, they totally trashed the land they explored to the Israelites, saying, ‘Dude, this place totally eats people alive! And the people we saw there? Taller than giants, man!’
So like, we saw these super tall dudes, the sons of Anak, who were like descendants of even taller dudes. And you know what? We felt so tiny, like grasshoppers, compared to them. And it seemed like that’s how they saw us too.

Numbers 14

So, like, the whole crew was just losing it, you know? Shouting, tears everywhere, major feels that night.
And all the Israelite kids were like, “Ugh, Moses and Aaron are such a drag. Can’t believe we left Egypt for this snoozefest of a wilderness!”
“Seriously, did God bring us here just to kick the bucket and watch our families get wrecked? Wouldn’t it be better to dip back to Egypt?”
And they were like, “Let’s pick a new leader and bounce back to Egypt.”
So Moses and Aaron straight-up dropped in front of everyone, the whole Israelite crew.
Joshua and Caleb were there, tearing up their clothes in distress.
They were like, “Listen up, fam, that land we scoped out? It’s legit amazing, no lie.”
“If God’s cool with us, He’s gonna hook us up with this bomb land, flowing with milk and honey.”
“Don’t sweat the people in that land, fam. They ain’t got nothing on us with the Lord backing us up. Don’t trip.”
But some were like, “Let’s stone ’em!” Then boom, God’s presence showed up, plain for all to see.
“Moses, seriously, when are these peeps gonna start trusting me? After all the miracles, still no faith?”
“I’m gonna hit ’em with a major plague, boot ’em from their land, and make you into a way cooler nation, way more powerful.”
Moses was like, “But, God, Egypt’s gonna hear and freak out ’cause You flexed and brought us out.”
“They gotta know You’re with us. Your cloud’s always over us, leading day and night.”
“If You wipe ’em out, all the nations who heard about You will be like,”
“Guess God couldn’t pull through. That’s why He left ’em wandering.”
“Please, flex Your power, like You promised.”
“God’s patient, merciful, but just. Our ancestors’ wrongs might hit us too.”
“Forgive ’em big time, like You’ve been doing.”
God was like, “I got you, forgiving just like you asked.”
“The whole world’s gonna light up with My glory.”
“Those who saw My miracles and still doubted, they’re out. #NoLandForThem”
“Caleb’s different, I’m giving him that land.”
“Amalekites and Canaanites chillin’, head to the Red Sea route tomorrow.”
“Yo, Moses and Aaron, seriously, these complaints are wearing me out.”
“Whatever they said, I’ll make it happen.”
“All of you, 20 and up, will drop dead here. I counted.”
“Except Caleb and Joshua, they’re in. I promised.”
“Those younger ones you thought would be victims? They’re in.”
“But you guys? Dead in the desert.”
“Your kids stuck here for 40 years, dealing with your choices.”
“You’ll realize how you messed up My plans.”
“This whack group’s done for in this wilderness.”
“Those who spread negativity about the land got hit with a plague.”
“Joshua and Caleb still killin’ it.”
Moses laid down the truth.
The whole crew was mourning.
“Let’s hit the mountain, admit we messed up.”
Moses warned them.
“But you ain’t gonna make it.”
“Amalekites and Canaanites gonna wreck you.”
“You’ve abandoned the LORD.”
But they went anyway.
Got wrecked by the Amalekites and Canaanites.
Straight up destroyed, all the way to Hormah.

Numbers 15

And God was chatting it up with Moses, like,
Hey, all you Israelite crew! So, when you finally roll into that sweet land I’m hooking you up with for your crib,
And you gotta blaze up an offering to the LORD, like a lit tribute or a flex for keeping it real, or for DIY hustle, or during epic celebrations, to make it mad dope for the LORD. Whether it’s from your squad or your fam, it’s all good!
Yo, if someone wants to bless up the LORD with a gift, they gotta bring a lit meat offering. It’s gotta be like one-tenth of flour mixed with one-fourth of oil, ya feel?
So, like, grab just a smidge of wine, like seriously, a tiny bit, for a drink offering to go with the burnt offering or sacrifice, you know, when you bring in one lamb.
Bro, if you’re sacrificing a ram, you gotta hook it up with like two tenths of flour mixed with a third of oil as an offering, you feel?
And when it’s time for the drink offering, you gotta bring about one-third of wine. It’s gotta be, like, super sweet, pleasing to the LORD.
And when you’re about to offer a bullock to God, whether as a burnt offering, or to fulfill a vow, or just as peace offerings to the LORD:
So, like, grab a bullock and mix up three tenth deals of flour with half a hin of oil.
And don’t forget to pour in half a hin of wine as a drink offering, like a dope gesture that’s totally chill with the Lord.
So, whether it’s one bullock, a ram, a lamb, or even a kid, keep it .
Just do it; make sure everyone gets what’s coming to them based on their headcount.
Yo, peeps from our hood, listen up! When you’re bringing your fire offerings, make sure it’s dope and on point for the Big Man upstairs, aight?
And if someone rolls through your spot, whether they’re part of your crew or just a random, and they wanna make a lit offering to the Big Guy by burning some tasty stuff, they gotta vibe with the same rules you do.
Check it, fam: these rules apply to everyone in our crew, whether you’re a local or just passing through. This rule’s gonna be in effect forever, for all generations. And remember, how the Most High treats you, that’s how the strangers among us get treated too. No exceptions.
We’re all on the same page, whether you’re kickin’ it with us or just visiting.
Alright, so God was vibing with Moses, and He was all like,
“Hey, Israel crew! Check it, here’s the word from the divine: Once you touchdown in the promised land I’m guiding you to,
So, when you munch on that local grub, make sure to show some love to the Big Guy upstairs, ya know?
Yo, you gotta drop a dope cake made from your first batch of dough as an offering. Like that grain offering, you gotta raise it up, you catch my drift?”
Yo, don’t forget to set aside some of your dough as an offering to the Big Guy upstairs for, like, future generations to vibe with.
And if you slip up and don’t follow all these rules that the Big Guy dropped on Moses,
I’m talking about everything the Big Guy told you through Moses, from way back when He first laid down the law, straight up to now and beyond, you feel me?
So, if someone accidentally does something whack and no one else catches it, the whole squad needs to gather up and bring a lit young bull as a burnt offering to the Big Guy, with a meal and some good drinks, you know, the usual drill. Plus, grab a chill goat as a sin offering. It’s just how we roll, you dig?
So, the priest’s gotta vibe with the whole Israelite crew, making sure everything’s chill ’cause, hey, mistakes happen, right? They gotta bring their own offering to the big guy upstairs, like a lit fire sacrifice, and also their sin offering for the times they didn’t even know they messed up.
And yo, forgiveness vibes spread to the whole Israel fam and even the homies visiting ’cause, like, ignorance is totally forgivable, you know?
If someone accidentally messes up, they gotta bring a young she-goat to make things right, ya dig?
The priest’s got your back if you mess up without even realizing it in front of the LORD. They’ll sort things out, and you’ll be all good.
Yo, check it: whether you’re part of the tribe or just crashing at our spot, same rules apply to everyone. Whether you trip up accidentally or you’re born into this scene, the law’s got no favorites.
But if someone straight-up disses what they know is right, whether they’re a local or just passing through, they’re disrespecting the Big Guy and getting booted from the crew.
Diss the word of the Most High and breakin’ his rules? You’re outta here. Your bad moves, your consequences.
So, like, picture this: the Israelite crew was out in the wilderness, and they clock this dude picking up sticks on the chill day, the Sabbath.
Yo, check it, these dudes caught this guy straight up picking up sticks and they were all like, “Bro, you’re breaking the rules, chill.” So they brought him to Moses, Aaron, and the whole squad.
They were clueless, so they locked him up, trying to figure out what’s the move.
Then God hit up Moses like, “This dude seriously crossed the line. Time to serve some justice.” So, the crew had to grab some rocks and stone him outside the camp.
The whole squad took him out and legit threw rocks at him until he was out. That was exactly what the LORD told Moses to do.
So, like, God was chillin’ with Moses, and He was all like,
“Hey, peeps of Israel! Spread the word: Add some rad fringes to your threads and rock a dope blue ribbon on ’em. This swag’s gonna be passed down through the ages, squad!
And peep this, it’s a reminder for y’all to stay woke to God’s commands and actually follow ’em. It’s like a GPS to keep you from drifting off course with your own desires.
So, don’t forget to keep it 100 with all my rules and stay loyal to your God.
Yo, I’m the LORD your God, the one who freed you from Egypt and became your ultimate ride-or-die. I’ll always have your back as the LORD your God, no cap.”

Numbers 16

So there’s this guy Korah, son of Izhar, grandson of Kohath, great-grandson of Levi, right? And then there’s Dathan and Abiram, sons of Eliab, and On, son of Peleth, all from team Reuben, and they’re like, “Yo, let’s gather the crew.”
So, these dudes straight up approached Moses, you know? Like, 250 big shots from the Israel squad. They’re like the OGs, everyone knows them.
Then, it’s like a whole squad showdown, they start calling out Moses and Aaron, saying they’re acting all high and mighty. They’re like, “Who made you the bosses? We’re all chosen by the Lord, He’s with us too!” Basically, they’re saying Moses and Aaron need to check their egos.
And when Moses hears this, he’s just like, facepalm.
And he was all, “Hey, Korah and squad, pay attention! Tomorrow, the LORD’s gonna show us who’s got that divine vibe, who’s rollin’ with Him, and who’s truly holy. He’ll bring ’em up close, VIP style, the ones He’s handpicked.”
Alright, y’all, listen in! Grab those censers, Korah, and the whole crew!
So, like, you gotta toss in fire and incense, right before the LORD, tomorrow, got it? And it’s gonna be, like, whoever the LORD picks, that person’s gonna be straight-up holy. So, chill out, you Levi boys, stop actin’ extra.
Yo, Moses comes through, saying, “Hey, listen up, crew. I’m talking to you, my fellow Levi fam:”
Bro, check it: God of Israel totally handpicked you all to be part of His squad, doing big things at His HQ, the tabernacle of the LORD. You’re like VIPs, serving the crew and doing your thing. How sick is that?
And He’s like, bringing you and all your Levi squad close, asking if you’re down to join the priesthood too.
Why you gotta diss the LORD like that? And why throw shade at Aaron?
So Moses hits up Dathan and Abiram, Eliab’s sons, and they’re like, ‘Nah, we’re out!’
Bro, are you seriously gonna wipe us out here in the desert after bringing us out of that sick land flowing with milk and honey? Unless you’re trying to be the ultimate ruler, that’s like totally unnecessary.
And, like, you totally didn’t lead us to a lit land filled with epic stuff like milk and honey, or hook us up with dope fields and vineyards. Are you seriously trying to blindside us here? Sorry, but we’re not vibing with that plan. #NoThanks
Moses got mad AF and was like, “Yo God, don’t even bother with their weak offering. I never asked for a single donkey from them, and I haven’t messed with any of them either.”
So Moses was like, “Yo Korah, gather up your crew, including Aaron, and come before the LORD, like tomorrow, fam.”
Aight, squad, listen up! Grab your censers, load ’em up with incense, and roll up to the LORD – we need 250 censers total. And yo, Aaron and crew, don’t forget your own censers, a’ight?
So they all scooped their censers, sparked ’em with fire, topped ’em with incense, and posted up at the tabernacle entrance, chillin’ with Moses and Aaron.
Then Korah rounded up the crew, brought ’em to the tent entrance, and BOOM! The Lord’s presence came down, and everyone peeped it.
And then God was like, “Moses, Aaron, check it out,”
Yo, peeps, you gotta dip from this crew pronto ’cause I’m about to straight up wreck ’em in a sec.
And they straight up fell to the ground, like, “Yo, Big G, the OG of all vibes and energies, is it cool for just one homie to mess up and then you’re trippin’ on the whole crew?”
And Big G hit up Moses, and He was like, ‘Yo, listen up,’
Yo, gather ’round and listen tight! It’s time to peace out from the spot near Korah, Dathan, and Abiram’s crib.
So Moses bounced up and rolled to Dathan and Abiram, and the OGs from Israel rolled with him.
So he kicked it with all the people and dropped, “Yo, check it! Mad love, but steer clear of those shady dudes’ turf and don’t even think about snagging their gear. ‘Cause if you do, you’re asking for a major vibe check from the universe.”
So they dipped from the Korah, Dathan, and Abiram scene, scattering like confetti: and Dathan and Abiram stepped up, posted at the front of their setups, with their wifey, kids, and lil’ ones.
And Moses was like, “Listen up, fam, here’s the dealio: this is how you know the big dude upstairs sent me to pull off these insane miracles. I didn’t come up with this game plan solo, I’m just following the vibes He laid down.”
If these dudes just end up biting the dust like everyone else, or they get hit with fate like any regular Joe, then it’s clear the Big Guy upstairs didn’t send me. Like, if they’re facing the same deal as anyone else, then this whole situation ain’t exactly heaven-sent, you feel? #justsaying #keepitreal
But if the Big Guy pulls off something totally next level, and the earth straight up cracks open and swallows them and all their stuff, like, into the abyss in a hot sec, then you’ll finally realize these dudes seriously got on the Big Guy’s bad side. Just sayin’, it’s a whole new level of divine fury.
And then, like, right after he drops that truth bomb, the freaking ground just splits open right beneath them, you know?
And, like, the earth just, like, opens up and swallows them and all their houses, and, like, everyone who was rolling with Korah, like, all their stuff too.
So, it was like, they and all their stuff just went straight down into the pit, and then the earth closed over them, wiping them out from the crew completely.
And all the Israelites who were around freaked out when they heard the commotion, thinking they might get swallowed up too.
Bro, it was like, the LORD lit up this massive fire that took out those 250 dudes who were all about that incense life.
Then, God had this convo with Moses and was all like,
“Hey, Eleazar, Aaron’s son and priest-in-chief, scoop those censers outta the flames and flick that fire away. It’s all sacred vibes, ya know?”
“So, if anyone totally blew it, grab those same censers they messed up with and repurpose ’em into these rad plates to cover the altar. ‘Cause using those censers in front of the Big Guy makes ’em super special. It’ll be like a memo to all the Israelites about what went down.”
“So, Eleazar, the top priest, snatched those dope bronze censers used for offerings and transformed ’em into these sick, wide plates for the altar cover:”
“This serves as a memo for all the Israelites: only Aaron’s descendants are on incense duty for the Big Guy. Don’t even think about trying it, or you’ll end up like Korah and his posse, just like the Big Guy warned through Moses.”
The next day, Israel’s crew was all up in Moses and Aaron’s business, throwing shade like, “Bruh, you straight up crossed the LORD, messing with His peeps.”
So, like, everybody gathered around, super ticked at Moses and Aaron. Then they peeped the tabernacle, and bam! It was covered in this massive cloud, and suddenly, the LORD’s glory was lit, for real.
Moses and Aaron rolled up to the spot outside the big tent, ready for whatever.
And then God was like, “Listen up, Moses, I gotta talk to you.”
“Yo, dip outta here so I can straight up clear ’em out in a hot sec. And bam, they drop like flies, face-first.
“Yo, Aaron! Grab a censer, snag some fire from the altar, toss in some incense, and hustle to the squad. They need a major soul detox, like, yesterday. The Big Man upstairs is seriously cheesed right now, and things are getting real messy with this plague vibe.
“So Aaron’s on it, right? He’s like, ‘Word, Moses,’ and darts into the crowd. And guess what? The plague’s already hitting them hard. But Aaron’s not playing – he sparks up that incense, begs for forgiveness for the squad.
“And check this, he steps right into the mix, where peeps are dropping like flies and some are holding on. And BOOM, the plague just fizzles out. No more chaos, fam.”
Yo, it was heavy vibes, man. Like, 14,700 folks got caught up in that plague, you know? And that ain’t even touching on the crew who got taken out in the Korah scene.
Then Aaron bounced back to Moses at the front of the spot where everyone was chilling, and that’s when the plague chilled out too.

Numbers 17

Aight, peeps, the Man upstairs hooked Moses up with the 411, he was all like,
Yo, fam of Israel, check it! So, grab a stick from each of ya, like from your dads or granddads, it don’t matter, just make sure it’s from your fam line. And here’s the scoop, we need twelve sticks, one from each head honcho in the fam. Oh, and don’t forget to tag your name on your stick, cool?
And you gotta scribble Aaron’s name on the Levi’s stick: ’cause one stick’s reppin’ the big cheese of their fam clique.
And like, you gotta stash ’em in the holy hangout, right up front of the testimony, where I’m gonna vibe with ya.
Okay, so check it, the chosen homie’s stick is gonna straight-up bloom, and that’s gonna be the end of all the Israelites’ whining about you, God.
So Moses vibed with the Israel crew, and each prince hooked him up with a rad stick, one from each prince, representing their fam’s vibe. There were like twelve sticks in total, and Aaron’s stick was among ’em. (Yeah, just one stick per prince, you feel?)
Moses set the sticks up in front of the LORD in the chill tabernacle.
Next day, Moses dipped into the tabernacle, and guess what? Aaron’s stick, repping the house of Levi, had sprouted with buds, blooms, and even almonds! Straight-up miraculous, yo.
So Moses gathered up all the sticks and showed them to the Israelite crew. They scoped them out, and everyone snagged their own stick.
Then, God was like, “Moses, fetch Aaron’s stick and plonk it in front of the holy stash as a memo for those who try to go against me. This should shut down the griping and save some lives.”
Moses was on it, following the LORD’s deets to the T.
The Israelites were all, “Yo, Moses, listen! We’re so done for, like, total disaster incoming.”
Seriously, anyone who gets too close to the LORD’s turf is toast! Are we gonna get fried or what?

Numbers 18

Aight, Aaron, peep this. You and your crew, plus your fam, gotta own up to whatever goes down in the sanctuary. And don’t forget, you and your squad gotta own it if there’s any mess-ups in your priestly duties.
Oh, and yo, make sure you bring your tribe, the Levites, into the mix. They’re your pops’ crew, so they’re down to back you up. But you and your squad, you’re the ones holding it down at the tabernacle, alright?
They gotta stay on point with your tasks, keeping everything in the tabernacle legit. But remind them, they can’t be getting too close to the holy stuff and the altar, otherwise, both them and you might catch some heat.
They’re riding with you, keeping the tabernacle game tight, handling all the duties. And ain’t nobody else gonna be sneaking up on y’all, that’s a fact.
Yo, make sure you’re keeping it real with the sanctuary and the altar, so there ain’t no bad vibes coming at the Israelite crew.
Check it, I’ve got your homies, the Levites, scooped from the Israelite squad. They’re a straight-up offering for the LORD, set to handle biz at the tabernacle.
So, like, you and your crew gotta handle all the priestly gigs at the altar and behind the curtain. It’s your gig, ya dig? Think of it as a dope gift, bro. Oh, and if anyone tries to jack your spot, they’ll face some serious consequences.
Aaron, listen up, fam. I’m hooking you up with the gig of handling all the sacred offerings from the Israelite crew. I’m handing them to you and your squad ’cause of the special blessings, and it’s gonna be forever vibes.
Yo, check it, these are the OG sacred vibes that can’t get torched: all those offerings, grub offerings, forgiveness deals, and trespass payments they slide my way? That’s like mega-holy gear for you and your crew.
You gotta munch on this divine munchies in the holiest of spots. Everyone’s gotta dig in, no skipping out. This chow is sacred business, no kidding around.
So, this is your hookup, straight from the Israelite fam, all these rad offerings they’re throwing down. I’m totally passing them to you, your squad, even your daughters—forever vibes! Oh, and just to be crystal, anyone in your fam keeping it real and pure can join in the feast.
I’m setting you up with primo oil, top-tier vino, and the freshest wheat—the absolute best they’re bringing to the LORD.
Yo, check it, whatever primo stuff you score from the land, bring it to the Big Guy upstairs, it’s all yours to vibe with. Share the blessings with your squad at home, they’re in on this feast too, ya know?
And yo, anything dedicated to the Big Guy in Israel? Consider it yours, straight up.
Listen up, when it comes to the firstborns of humans or animals, like, babies and whatnot, that the homies bring to the Big Guy, it’s all on your plate. But hold up, you gotta make sure to redeem those firstborn humans and unclean animals, gotta save ’em or buy ’em back, you feel me?
Oh, and if anyone needs to be redeemed from a month old and up, drop five shekels to sort it out, based on what you reckon, using the value of the sanctuary shekel, which is like twenty gerahs. Keep it kosher, fam.
Yo, peeps, listen up! Don’t even think ’bout cashing in on a firstborn cow, sheep, or goat, ’cause they’re sacred, ya dig? Gotta sprinkle their blood on the altar, and burn up their fat as a fire offering that’s lit af for the LORD.
But hey, you can totally munch on their flesh, like it’s all yours, just like you own the wave breast and the right shoulder.
Yo, all the dope offerings that the Israelites give to the LORD, I’ve hooked you up with, fam (yeah, sons and daughters too), forever and ever. It’s like a legit salty covenant before the LORD, for you and your crew, and for generations to come. No cap.
And God was like to Aaron, Bro, you ain’t getting any land or a piece of their stuff. But check it, I’m your squad and your ultimate inheritance among the peeps of Israel.
Ayy, listen up, fam! I’ve set the Levi tribe up real nice with a solid 10% cut of all the goods in Israel. It’s their rightful share for all the hard graft they put in, especially keeping the tabernacle in check, where we all link up.
Yo, Israel crew, straight up, keep your distance from the tabernacle unless you wanna bear the weight of sin and end up six feet under. Dead serious, no cap on that.
The Levites got the job of handling all the tabernacle gear and they gotta own up if they mess up. This rule’s gonna stick for all generations of Israelites ’cause the Levites ain’t getting any land like the rest of y’all.
So, Israelites do this thing called tithing, where they give a slice of their stuff as an offering to the LORD. Instead of hoarding it for themselves, I’m hooking up the Levites. So, they won’t be getting their own land among the Israelites, you feel me?
Yo, God was like totally there for Moses, and He was all like,
“Hey Levites, check it! When you’re out there collecting tithes from the Israel crew, the ones I’ve set aside for you as your share, make sure to set aside a portion of it as a special offering to the LORD. It’s like, ten percent of the whole tithe, you dig?
And make sure you treat this offering like it’s the bombest harvest from your farm or the illest batch from your winery.
So yeah, you gotta give a dope offering to the LORD from all the tithes you get from the Israel squad. And don’t forget, pass on the LORD’s offering to Aaron the priest, you know?”
Yo, you gotta give up all the lit stuff you got as an offering to the Lord, like the top-notch, A-game vibes. Make sure it’s extra holy and set apart from the rest. (When I say ‘best’, I mean the absolute fleek parts!)
So, here’s the deal: Once you’ve saved the absolute primo stuff, that’s what you pass on to the Levites as a boost to their hustle. It’s like the bonus from the sickest grind at the threshing floor and the winepress.
So, like, you and your squad can totally feast on this grub anywhere, like, wherever vibes are good, in your crib and all. ‘Cause this is, like, your payday for being mad devoted to serving in the hangout spot known as the tabernacle.
And don’t trip, you won’t be messing up if you’ve set aside the cream of the crop. Also, make sure you don’t disrespect any sacred things that belong to the Israelites, unless you’re down to deal with some heavy consequences.

Numbers 19

So, like, God straight up hit up Moses and Aaron, and He was like,
“Yo, listen up, fam, Big Guy’s got a message: He’s telling the Israel crew to hunt down a red heifer that’s totally flawless, zero blemishes, never punched in for a day’s work. That’s the law, spread it like wildfire!”
And you gotta hand her over to Eleazar the priest, so he can escort her outta the camp, and one of y’all gotta off her right there in front of him.
Then Eleazar the priest is gonna take some of her blood and sprinkle it right in front of the meeting tent, seven times, no cap.
So, picture this: Someone’s gonna totally roast that heifer, like, the whole deal—skin, flesh, blood, and even the poop, everything’s gotta be up in flames, no kidding.
Then the priest grabs some cedar wood, hyssop, and scarlet, and tosses them straight into the fire with the heifer, like, adding some flair to the flames.
After that, the priest has to do some self-care, you know? He’s gotta wash his clothes, take a shower, then he can rejoin the crew, but he’s gonna be in the “unclean” zone until evening hits.
And the person who’s on fire duty, they gotta scrub up too—clean their clothes with water, wash their body, the whole shebang. They’ll be in the “unclean” club until evening rolls around.
So, check it, this righteous dude’s gotta gather up the ashes of the cow and stash ’em outside the camp in a spot that’s all clean. It’s gonna be a vibe for the whole Israelite squad, like a detox from sin, you feel? It’s like magic water, separating them from all the bad juju.
Whoever’s on ash duty gotta scrub up and stay low-key unclean till evening. This rule’s for the whole Israel crew and even the outsiders kicking it with them. It’s gonna be a forever thing, no cap.
Yo, if you get down with a dead body, you’re on unclean status for a whole week. It’s legit, fam! Take notes!
So, he’s gotta get down with the cleansing routine on day three, and if he ghosts on that, he ain’t gonna be squeaky clean by day seven.
Alright fam, check this out: If you come into contact with a dead body and don’t do the cleansing routine, you’re basically making the holy spot uncool in the eyes of the LORD. And trust, you’re getting the boot from Israel because you skipped the special water sprinkle to purify yourself. So, you’re still walking around unclean, totally covered in your impurity.
Yo, pay attention! Here’s what’s up: If someone bites the dust in a tent, everyone who goes in or hangs out in that tent is gonna be labeled unclean for a whole week.
Oh, and any container left open and exposed? Yeah, that’s considered gross.
If anyone touches a dead body, a bone, or a grave out in the open fields, they’re gonna be tagged as unclean for a full week.
Yo, if someone’s tagged as unclean, they gotta scoop up some ashes from that burnt heifer gig, you know, the one for wiping away sins. Then, mix it with some fresh H2O in a bowl – ashes for that dusty vibe, water for that flow, ya feel?
So, grab someone chill and wise, hand ’em some hyssop. They gotta dunk it in the water mix and sprinkle it all around: the tent, stuff inside, the peeps chilling in there, and even anyone who brushed up against a bone, someone who got axed, a corpse, or a grave.
The clean homie gotta splash water on the not-so-clean one on day three and day seven. By day seven, they gotta sort themselves out: scrub down, fresh threads, soak in a tub, and be squeaky clean by evening.
But if someone’s unclean and refuses to clean up, they’re outta the crew. They’ve messed with the LORD’s spot and didn’t vibe with the cleansing water. They’re just not fresh.
Check it out, fam, this rule is major key: if someone splashes that holy water, they gotta scrub up their threads, ya feel? And if you get even a touch of that water, you’re gonna be uncool until the sun sets. Straight up, it’s like a long-term vibe, ya dig?
And yo, peep this: anything an uncool person touches? It’s all tainted, and if you come in contact with it, you’re on the uncool list until the sun dips down.

Numbers 20

So, all the Israelites, like, the whole squad, rolled out to the desert of Zin at the start of the year. They pitched camp in Kadesh, and sadly, Miriam passed away and was laid to rest there.
So, like, there was, like, zero agua for everyone, and they all got super ticked at Moses and Aaron.
The people straight up went off on Moses, like, ‘Bro, we wish we were six feet under with our peeps before the LORD!’
Why’d you have to drag us and all our critters out to this wasteland to meet our demise?
Why’d you drag us all the way from Egypt just to dump us in this miserable desert? No grub, no figs, no vines, no pomegranates, and not even a drop of water to quench our thirst!
So Moses and Aaron jetted from the crowd, making a beeline for the tabernacle entrance where everyone was chillin’. They hit the ground face-first, totally shook when they felt the presence of the LORD.
And then, like, the big dude upstairs started chatting with Moses, saying,
“Yo, grab that rod and rally your bro Aaron. Then, speak to that rock in front of everyone. Watch this—water’s gonna gush out, and you’ll hook up the whole crew and their pets with some thirst-quenching refreshment.”
So, Moses was all, “Got it, just gonna snag this rod like God said.”
So, picture this: Moses and Aaron corralled everyone near this massive rock, okay? Then Moses goes, “Hey, listen up, you rebels. Do we seriously have to tap this rock for water?”
So, Moses throws his hand up and gives the rock two solid whacks with his staff. And boom! Water comes gushing out, enough for the whole crew, even their pets. Like, major hydration vibes, you feel me?
So, God’s like, “Hey, Moses and Aaron, check it. Since you didn’t vibe with Me and rep Me in front of the Israelites, you’re not leading them to the Promised Land I promised.”
Alright, check it out, fam. This is the scoop on when the Israelites and God had a major face-off at Meribah, and God flexed His holiness. (BTW, Meribah means ‘strife’.)
So Moses slides into the DMs of some messengers to the king of Edom, like, “Hey, bro, it’s Israel. You know we’ve been through some real drama, right? Like, seriously, it’s been a rollercoaster.”
Yeah, our ancestors dipped to Egypt, and we’ve been posted there for ages. But let me tell ya, those Egyptians were straight-up bullies, giving us and our ancestors a rough time:
So, we’re hitting up the LORD with our cries, and guess what? He hears us loud and clear, sending an angel to bail us out of Egypt. And get this! Now we’re kicking it in Kadesh, this rad city right on the edge of our turf!
“Hey, can we like, pass through your spot? Chill, we won’t mess with your fields or grab a drink from your wells. We’ll stay on the main path, no side trips, until we’re outta your zone.”
And Edom was all like, “Nah, bro! You ain’t crossing through here, or I’ll bust out my sword on you.”
The Israelites were like, “Cool, we’ll stick to the main road, homie. And if me or my crew need a sip of your water, I’ll drop some coins. Just trying to pass through without stirring up drama, you dig?”
He was like, “Nah, no way you’re getting past.” But then, Edom straight up pulled up with a whole squad and some serious firepower.
Edom was all like, “Nah fam, you ain’t passing through our hood,” so Israel was like, “Fine, we’ll take another route.”
So, like, the whole Israel squad left Kadesh and ended up at this dope spot called Mount Hor.
Yo, God was straight up chatting with Moses and Aaron on Mount Hor, near the edge of Edom’s turf, and He was like,
“Aaron’s gonna dip, ’cause he ain’t setting foot in the land I promised to Israel. Y’all straight up disobeyed me at Meribah. Real talk.”
Aye, round up Aaron and his homie Eleazar and hike ‘em up to mount Hor, aight?
Strip Aaron of his gear and lace up Eleazar with it. Aaron’s gonna link up with his ancestors and peace out there.
So Moses was like, “Word,” and they rolled up to mount Hor with the whole squad peeping.
Moses stripped Aaron down, passed the threads to Eleazar, and that’s where Aaron clocked out, chillin’ on the peak. Moses and Eleazar dipped together after.
When the crew saw Aaron was gone, they were all feeling it, man. Israel was straight mourning for a solid month. That loss hit deep.

Numbers 21

Yo, check it, there was this Canaanite king called Arad, chilling in the south. He caught wind that the Israelites, who sent some spies ahead, were rolling through. So, he decided to go full savage and attack them, managing to nab a few as prisoners.
Then Israel was like, ‘Yo, Big Man upstairs, if you help us win this battle, we’ll straight up wreck their cities.’
And guess what? Big G upstairs heard them out and hooked them up with the victory over the Canaanites. They went all out, wiped them clean, and even gave the place a new name, Hormah, meaning total annihilation.
So, they dipped from Mount Hor, taking the scenic route by the Red Sea to bypass Edom. But lemme tell ya, the squad was mega bummed, like, seriously down because of the long, exhausting trek.
So, picture this: the peeps were totally dissing on God and Moses, asking why they dragged us out of Egypt just to let us croak in this lame desert? Like, seriously, we’re parched, starving, and this basic bread they’re giving us is gag-worthy.
Then, boom! The Big Guy wasn’t vibing with the disrespect, so He sent these insane fiery serpents to bite ’em. It was like a horror movie, dude. Sadly, a bunch of the Israelites didn’t make it, succumbing to those snake bites.
So, the crew rolls up to Moses like, ‘Okay, our bad. We mouthed off about the Big Guy, and even dissed you! Can you hit up the Big Guy and ask Him to peace out these snakes?’. And Moses was like, ‘Gotcha,’ and he put in a prayer request with the Big Guy.
And the Big Guy was like, “Moses, craft a lit-up snake and stick it on a pole. Here’s the scoop: if anyone gets tagged by a snake, they just gotta peep that snake on the stick, and they’re good to go, living to tell the tale.”
Yo, peeps, Moses straight up crafted this lit bronze snake and hoisted it on a pole. And get this, fam, if anyone got tagged by a snake, all they had to do was peep that bronze snake, and bam! They were back in action, living their best life.
The Israelite crew bounced and pitched their tents in Oboth.
After Oboth vibes, they rolled to Ijeabarim, chillin’ in the desert before Moab, facing east for those sunrise views. (Yo, Ijeabarim means stacks of Abarim, just FYI.)
Then they dipped to the Zared valley and set up camp there.
So, they dipped and pitched their tents across Arnon, like, in the wilds, ya know? Arnon’s that line separating Moab and the Amorites, fam.
So, in this ancient scroll called ‘The Wars of the LORD,’ it’s all about the lit stuff He pulled off at the Red Sea and Arnon’s streams. It’s like, whoa, can you even wrap your head around the power and epicness there? Total game-changer, dude! #MindBlown
And at the river where those chill streams flow, moving towards Ar’s turf, just chilling by Moab’s border.
Then they rolled up to Beer: that’s the well where the LORD hit up Moses like, ‘Yo, gather everyone, I’m about to bless them with some water.’
Israel was like, “Check this out, let that well vibe flow; let your soul sing to it:
The royal crew got down to digging the well, rolling with the squad of the people, led by the lawgiver, armed with their sticks. They journeyed from the wilds to Mattanah:
Then bounced from Mattanah to Nahaliel, and from Nahaliel to Bamoth:
From the lit spot called Bamoth in the valley, which is in Moab, all the way to the epic peak of Pisgah, where you can catch the dope view towards Jeshimon. (btw Jeshimon means wilderness)
So Israel slid into Sihon, the king of the Amorites, with a DM, like,
“Hey, can we pass through your hood? We won’t mess with your crops, vines, or even touch your well water. We’ll just stick to the main road, cruise until we’re outta your zone.”
But Sihon was, like, totally not vibing with letting Israel into his turf. Instead, he got his squad together and straight up confronted Israel out in the middle of nowhere. They pulled up to Jahaz and started a full-on showdown with Israel.
And Israel straight up won the battle with their swords, took over his turf from Arnon to Jabbok, all the way to the Ammonites’ territory, ’cause the Ammonites were serious about protecting their turf.
So Israel straight-up conquered all these cities, settling in the land of the Amorites, including Heshbon and all its surrounding towns. (PS: In Hebrew, they call those towns “daughters.” How cool is that?)
Yo, Heshbon used to be under Sihon’s rule, the big cheese of the Amorites. He straight-up clashed with the former king of Moab, snagging all his turf right up to Arnon. No cap.
So, like, the wise heads in the crowd were like, “Yo, let’s roll to Heshbon and amp up Sihon’s city, you know, give it some serious upgrades and vibe.”
Yo, Heshbon’s lit up like crazy, flames shooting out, straight-up blazing from Sihon’s city. It’s wrecked Ar of Moab and totally put the big shots hanging out at the fancy spots in Arnon on notice.
Yo, Moab, you’re in some serious trouble! Listen up, followers of Chemosh: Sihon, the Amorite king, straight up snatched their sons and daughters.
We totally laid waste to them, like Heshbon got wiped off the map all the way to Dibon, and we didn’t stop until we dominated Nophah and Medeba.
Israel was just chilling in Amorite territory.
So Moses was like, ‘Let’s scope out Jaazer and see what’s good.’ They rolled in and straight-up took over the whole town, kicking out those Amorites who thought they owned the place.
Then they dipped into Bashan, and guess who came out? Og, the king of Bashan, and his whole crew, ready to throw down at Edrei.
Moses, chillax! I got your back. I’m serving this dude, his posse, and his turf on a platter. Treat him like you did Sihon, that Amorite king who held it down in Heshbon.
So they wrecked him, his sons, and all his homies, until there was literally no one left standing. Then they straight-up claimed his land as their own.

Numbers 22

So the Israelites were on the move, set up camp in the chill plains of Moab, across the Jordan river, near Jericho.
Yo, Balak, this dude who’s Zippor’s son, he straight up saw all the epic stuff Israel pulled off against the Amorites, you feel?
Moab was freaking, man, ’cause the Israelites were like a massive crowd! Giving them major anxiety and stress!
So Moab hits up the OGs of Midian like, ‘Bruh, these guys are gonna straight up wreck everything around us, like when an ox chows down on grass in the field.’ And Balak, Zippor’s son, was reppin’ the crown as the king of the Moabites back then.
So, Balak totally slid into the DMs of some messengers to hit up Balaam, you know, Beor’s kid from Pethor, which FYI is by the river where his crew hangs. He wanted Balaam to slide over ’cause he peeped this massive crowd of peeps who ghosted from Egypt, and they’re legit everywhere, like taking over the whole place. And they’re camped right across from me, like literally in my backyard!
Yo, listen up, could you do me a favor and drop a curse on these people? They’re way too strong for me to handle. Maybe if we take them out, I’ll have a shot at kicking them out of the land. I know that whoever you bless ends up blessed, and whoever you curse is, well, cursed.
So, like, the OGs from Moab and Midian, right? They rolled up with their divination gear in hand, found Balaam, and started chatting him up, delivering the message from Balak.
So he was like, ‘Chill here for the night, and I’ll hit you up with the message that the LORD gives me.’ And the Moabite squad kicked it with Balaam.
So, God rolls up to Balaam like, “Who’s squad goals with you, man?”
Balaam’s like, “Chill, God, Balak, son of Zippor, the Moab king, hit me up with this message…”
Listen up, there’s this nation that dipped outta Egypt and they’re everywhere, bro. Like, everywhere. Anyway, Balak wants me to put a hex on them, maybe to level the playing field, ya know? Like, hoping for a W in this match!
But God’s like, “Nah, Balaam, those curses ain’t gonna fly. These peeps? They’re straight-up blessed, bro. Can’t mess with that vibe.”
So, Balaam woke up one morning, and he’s all, “Yo, Balak’s crew, gotta bounce back to your own hood ’cause God’s not vibing with me joining y’all.”
The Moabite big shots hit up Balak like, “Balaam’s a no-show, bro.”
Balak ain’t taking no for an answer, so he sends even higher-ups this time.
Balak, son of Zippor, hits up Balaam, laying it down like, “Bro, nothing should hold you back from rolling with me, okay? Don’t let anything stand in your way.”
Yo, check it, I’m all about showing some major respect and doing whatever you ask of me. So, do me a favor and lay down a word on these folks, please!
And Balaam was like, yo, Balak’s crew, listen tight. Even if Balak offered me a whole pad filled with stacks of cash and bling, I can’t veer from what the LORD my God has said. I gotta stay true and not do more or less.
Hey fam, peep this! Can y’all just kick it with me tonight? I’m eager to hear what God’s gonna drop next, you feel me?
So, like, God rolled up to Balaam in the dead of night and was like, ‘Hey dude, if these guys swing by, get up and roll with them. But, just so you know, you gotta follow my lead down to the tee.’
So Balaam woke up super early, jumped in his whip, and rolled with the Moab squad.
And God was like, seriously mad ’cause he went that way: and this angel from the LORD popped up like a total roadblock to halt him. And he was just cruising on his donkey, with his two homies riding along too.
And the donkey peeped the angel of the LORD blocking the path, with their sword out: and the donkey swerved off the road and bolted into the field. So, Balaam smacked the donkey to steer her back on course.
But yo, this angel, right? They were posted up in the middle of a vineyard, with walls on both sides. Pretty epic, ngl.
So, like, picture this: the donkey sees God’s angel and totally panics, smashing Balaam’s foot against the wall by accident. And Balaam, in his frustration, smacks her.
Then the angel of the LORD finds this super tight spot, like no escape route, no way to turn.
And when the donkey catches sight of the angel, she trips out from under Balaam, who flips and whacks her with a stick.
So then, God’s like, “Hold up,” and makes the donkey talk. And she’s all, “Yo Balaam, why you gotta hit me three times? What did I ever do to you?”
And Balaam was all like, “Bro, are you seriously clowning on me right now? Ugh, if I had a blade, I’d totally want to give you a piece of my mind.”
And the donkey was like, “Bro, I’ve been your day-one ride-or-die since forever. Have I ever steered you wrong like this before?” And Balaam was like, “Nah, dude.”
So, like, out of nowhere, God makes Balaam spot this angel dude, just chilling with a sword in hand. Balaam totally loses it, man! He drops down, bowing his head and hitting the ground. It was wild, yo!
Then the angel of the LORD goes, “Bro, why’d you smack your donkey three times? I came here to stop you ’cause your path is totally whack, you feel me, in a bad way.”
So, like, the donkey peeped me coming and dodged three times. If she didn’t dodge, I’d have totally taken you out but spared her.
Balaam straight up owned it to the angel of the LORD, ‘My bad, didn’t clock you were in my path. If it’s a vibe, I’ll bounce.’
And the angel of the LORD was like, ‘Bro, Balaam, stick with the crew, but only drop what I lay down.’ So Balaam was cool to chill with Balak’s squad.
And when Balak clocked Balaam had pulled up, he rolled to meet him in a Moab city, near the Arnon border, way out there.
Yo, Balak was like, “Dude, didn’t I hit you up and invite you? Why ghost me like that? I could’ve hooked you up big time, you feel me?”
And Balaam was like, “Yo, Balak, I’m here now. Can’t just say whatever. Gotta spit what God’s putting in my mouth, ya know?”
So Balaam and Balak pulled up to Kirjathhuzoth. That city with all the lit vibes, you know?
Balak flexed with some fire oxen and sheep, and linked up with Balaam and his crew of princes.
Next day, Balak took Balaam to the spots where they worshiped Baal, trying to show him the whole scene.

Numbers 23

So Balaam was all, “Hey Balak, set up seven altars right here, and grab seven oxen and seven rams for me.”
Balak was like, “Word,” and did exactly that. Then they both sacrificed a bull and a ram on each altar.
Balaam was like, “Hold up, Balak, do your burnt offering thing while I bounce to this lit spot. Maybe God will vibe with me and show me some insane stuff. Then I’ll come back and spill the tea.” So, Balaam headed up to a high place.
Then God runs into Balaam and is all, “Hey dude, I peeped those seven altars and the sacrifices you made.”
God was like, “Balaam, gotta send a DM to Balak. Tell him this.”
So Balaam finds Balak, chillin’ by his burnt offering, surrounded by all the Moab squad.
Balaam’s like, “Listen up, fam. Balak hauled me from way out in Aram, all like, ‘Bruh, put a hex on Jacob, throw some major shade at Israel.’”
But why would I even think about cursing someone God hasn’t cursed? Why go against someone the LORD hasn’t thrown shade at?
Yo, I peeped him chillin’ from the sickest spots, you feel? Those homies gonna do their own thing, not blending in with other crews.
Bro, have you ever tried counting all the dust specks on TikTok? It’s legit impossible! And don’t even get me started on the massive squad of influencers in Israel! TBH, I kinda wish I could vibe like the righteous ones and have an epic ending like them. #LifeGoals
So Balak was like, dude, what’s your deal? I brought you here to straight-up curse my enemies, and now you’re blessing them instead? Like, seriously?!
And he’s like, yo, shouldn’t I be careful about speaking the words that the LORD has dropped in my feed?
Balak was all, “Yo, come with me to this spot where you can peep at them from a distance. You won’t see the whole squad, just a glimpse. Then, drop a lit curse on ’em from there, you feel me?”
So they rolled to this rad place called Zophim, up on Pisgah hill. And there, Balaam set up seven altars and offered a bull and a ram on each one. (Pisgah is just another name for the hill, FYI.)
And he’s like, “Yo, Balak, chill here by your sacrifice while I bounce up to meet with the LORD over yonder.”
Then, God rolls up on Balaam and gives him the lowdown, saying, “Go back to Balak and drop this message on him, bro.”
So, when he rolled up, he peeped the homie chillin’ by his burnt offering, and the Moab squad was all up in there too. Balak’s all like, ‘Ayo, what’s the word from the Most High?’
Check it, Balak, I’m about to drop some wisdom on you. Open your ears, son of Zippor.
God ain’t like us, frontin’ or flip-floppin’. When He says something, it’s locked in. When He speaks, consider it done.
Yo, check it! Just got this lit command to bless someone, and guess what? It’s locked in, they’re blessed, no take-backs!
God’s straight up vibin’ with Jacob, and in Israel, it’s all good, no shady stuff goin’ on. The big man upstairs, their God, is on their squad, and they got the king’s backin’ rollin’ deep in their crew.
God straight-up rescued them from Egypt; he’s like as lit as a unicorn.
Like, no hocus pocus can touch Jacob, and ain’t nobody can predict what’s gonna go down with Israel. People gonna be all like, ‘OMG, peep what God did for Jacob and Israel!’
Ayy, listen up, the peeps gonna be roaring like a boss lion, flexin’ like a young lion. They won’t chill till they’ve feasted on that prey and sipped the blood of the defeated.
Balak was all, “Dude, hold up, don’t even try cursing them or blessing them.”
And Balaam was like, “Yo, Balak! Didn’t I already tell you, whatever the LORD says, I gotta roll with? Catch you later!”
So Balak’s like, “Hey, Balaam, let’s change up the scenery. Maybe if we switch spots, God will be cool with you cursing this crew for me.”
And Balak takes Balaam to the peak of Peor, with a sick view towards Jeshimon.
Then Balaam’s all, “Hey, Balak, let’s flex with seven altars up in here! And make sure to bring seven bullocks and seven rams, all set and ready!”
So Balak’s vibing with Balaam’s plan and sacrifices a bullock and a ram on each and every altar.

Numbers 24

And yo, when Balaam clocked that the LORD was all about blessing Israel, he didn’t even bother with his usual tricks and magic. Instead, he straight-up headed for the wilderness.
So, Balaam scoped out Israel, just chillin’ in their tents, all organized by their tribes. And then, the Spirit of God went off and entered him.
So this guy Balaam, son of Beor, had some real talk to drop. He was woke, woke enough to be like, ‘Yo, I used to be clueless, but now I’m seeing clearly, and here’s what’s up:’
Bro, this dude heard straight from God and had a vision from the Most High. He was in this wild trance, but his eyes were wide open, you feel?
Yo, peep Jacob’s tents, they’re straight fire, and Israel’s tabernacles? Bro, they’re seriously dope!
Picture this: they’re like those chill valleys, spreading out like lit gardens next to the river, planted by the LORD himself, like trendy aloes and cedar trees just vibin’ by the waters.
He’s gonna flex with buckets of water, his squad’s gonna be everywhere, and his king? Way superior to Agag, man. His kingdom’s gonna be on a whole other level.
God straight up flexed on those haters by bringing him outta Egypt. Like, he’s got the strength of a mythical unicorn and he’s gonna totally wreck every nation that steps up. He’ll crush their bones, shoot ’em full of arrows, no mercy, dude.
Yo, he was all like unleashing beast mode vibes, just chillin’ and loungin’ like a lion, straight-up king of the jungle. Don’t even think about messin’ with him, ’cause you’ll be cursed, but if you show him love, you’re blessed AF.
Balak was lit raging at Balaam, clappin’ his hands together and straight-up telling him, ‘Bro, I brought you here to curse my haters, and all you’ve been doin’ is blessin’ them for the third time! Like, seriously?’
So, like, you gotta dip and go back to where you came from. I was gonna hook you up with mad clout, but dang, God decided to hold you back from that VIP status.
Balaam was all, ‘Yo, Balak, didn’t I already tell your squad that you sent my way, like,’
Aye, even if Balak tried to flex and offered me a lit mansion stacked with cash, I can’t front on what the Big Man upstairs lays down. I ain’t got no say in choosing good or bad on my own vibe. I’m just gonna spit what the LORD tells me, straight up.
Yo, peep this! I’m about to dip back to my crew. Slide through and I’ll clue you in on what’s gonna go down between your squad and mine in the future.
So, like, peep this scene. This homie Balaam, son of Beor, got some wisdom to drop. He’s like, this dude’s woke, and he’s got something to lay down:
Yo, listen up! This dude heard God’s words and had mad insight about the Most High. He even peeped a vision from the Almighty while in a deep state, but with his eyes wide open.
I haven’t fully scoped him yet, just caught a glimpse from a distance. Check it—this epic Star’s gonna pop up from Jacob, and a boss ruler’s gonna step up from Israel, totally taking down Moab’s turf and wiping out all the descendants of Sheth. (Or, like, striking through their leaders.)
Edom’s gonna get wrecked big time, and Seir’s gonna feel the heat from their haters. Israel’s gonna dominate, no doubt.
The big shot from Jacob’s crew is gonna clean house, leaving no survivors in the city.
So, like, when he spotted Amalek, he didn’t hold back and was like, ‘Yo, Amalek thought they were the top dogs, but nah, they’re gonna crash and burn, big time.’ (Just to be clear, he’s talking about those nations who messed with Israel.)
Yo, check it, he scoped out the Kenites and laid down some wisdom, saying, “You’re chilling in a dope pad, nestled up in a fortress.”
But the Kenite crew is gonna face some heavy times, till Asshur rolls in and takes you captive. (Oh, by the way, “Kenite” means “descendant of Cain.”) How long till Asshur rolls up on you?
And he spoke some real talk, like, who’s gonna make it through when God brings the heat!
And yo, there’s gonna be these lit ships cruising in from the coast of Chittim, right? And they’re gonna seriously wreck Asshur and Eber, bro. Like, it’s gonna be a total beatdown for real!
So Balaam dipped and bounced back home, while Balak jetted too.

Numbers 25

So, Israel was posted up in Shittim, and suddenly, they were mingling heavy with the Moabite girls, you feel?
Next thing you know, there’s this massive invite to a lit worship sesh for their gods. Everyone’s chowing down on sacrificial grub and straight-up bowing down to their gods. It was, like, a whole scene, man.
Israel starts vibing with Baalpeor, and that’s when God’s vibe turned sour real quick.
God was like, “Yo, Moses, round up all the big shots in the nation and set ’em up as a public display, right out in the open under the blazing sun. Let’s cool off my anger and shield Israel.”
Moses was like, “Yo, judges of Israel, we gotta clean house. Get rid of anyone who’s vibing with Baalpeor.”
Check it, this Israelite bro rolls up with a Midianite chick right in front of Moses and the whole crew. And man, it’s a tear fest at the entrance of the holy tent where everyone’s chilling.
Then Phinehas, son of Eleazar, who’s Aaron the priest’s grandson, peeps the scene and he’s like, “Nah, not on my watch.” He grabs a javelin, no joke.
He marches into the tent after the Israelite dude, and bam! He stabs them both. Yup, he takes out the Israelite guy and skewers the woman too. And you know what? That put a stop to the plague that was messing with the Israelite crew.
So, like, about twenty-four thousand people got hit hard by that gnarly plague.
Yo, check it, God had a real talk with Moses, like,
Yo, peep this, that dude Phinehas, he’s Eleazar’s kid, who’s Aaron the priest’s son. He totally chilled me out when I was all heated at the Israelite crew. He was lit about repping me, which saved the Israelite squad from getting wiped. I was using my jealousy to make a point, but Phinehas shut that down quick. #TeamPhinehas
So, like, lemme tell ya, check it out! I’m totally hooking Phinehas up with my peace deal, you catch my vibe?
So, like, God was totally vibing with this dude Aaron and his fam, giving them this everlasting priesthood gig just because Aaron was super lit for God and always had Israel’s back.
But then there’s this other dude, Zimri, from the Israel crew. He starts hanging out with this Midianite girl, Cozbi, and things go south real quick. Zimri, by the way, was no small fry; his dad was Salu, a big shot among the Simeonites.
Cozbi, the Midianite girl? Yeah, she was no ordinary chick. Her dad, Zur, was like the OG of a major squad in Midian, a real big deal.
Then God’s like, “Moses, hold up, got something to say!”
Like, yo, don’t even tolerate those Midianites, just straight-up wreck them:
They’ve been playing games, straight-up tricking you, especially with that whole Peor and Cozbi drama. Cozbi, fam, she was like some big shot from Midian, and she got caught up in that mess at Peor. Ended up getting taken out during that plague that went down because of all that Peor drama.

Numbers 26

So, post-plague vibes, God hit up Moses and Eleazar (you know, Aaron’s son, reppin’ that priest life) with a message.
It was time to do a headcount of all the Israelite crew, but only those 20 and above, ready to go into battle mode for Israel, ya feel?
Picture this: Moses and Eleazar kicking it, having a heart-to-heart with the squad out in the chill plains of Moab by the Jordan River, close to Jericho, and they’re all like,
“Let’s tally up everyone who’s hit the big 2-0, just like the Most High told Moses and the crew when they dipped outta Egypt.”
Reuben, the OG child of Israel, had a tight crew including Hanoch, the forefather of the Hanochites, and Pallu, who started the Palluite squad.
Hezron’s fam, known as the Hezronites, came straight from Hezron himself. And let’s not forget Carmi’s crew, the Carmites, they were legit!
So, the Reubenites rolled deep with a squad count of forty-three thousand, seven hundred, and thirty.
Pallu’s son, Eliab, was holding it down too.
Eliab was a dad to two boys, Nemuel and Dathan, and Abiram. So, yeah, those same dudes, Dathan and Abiram, who made headlines by always going toe-to-toe with Moses and Aaron, teaming up with Korah to throw shade at the LORD’s authority.
LOL, it was like the earth was all, “OMG, open up!” and whoosh, it swallowed them whole, Korah included, plus all those other dudes who got roasted by a fiery explosion, like 250 of them. TBH, it was a total sign, you know?
But yo, Korah’s kids didn’t get caught up in that mess.
So, Simeon’s fam roll call: Nemuel and his crew, Jamin and his squad, and Jachin with his peeps. Oh, and FYI, Nemuel sometimes goes by Jemuel, and Jachin is also known as Jarib.
The Zarhites rolled with the Zerah fam, and the Shaulites were squad deep with the Shaul fam. (Zerah was also known as Zohar)
Check it, the Simeonites were reppin’ hard, 22,200 strong.
Aight, peep the squad names of the children of Gad and their crews: Zephon’s fam holdin’ it down for the Zephonites, Haggi’s fam reppin’ as the Haggites, and Shuni’s fam keepin’ it real with the Shunites. Oh, and by the way, Zephon sometimes goes by Ziphion, just a lil’ switch-up, you feel?
Straight up, the Ozni crew rollin’ deep as the Oznites fam. And don’t sleep on Eri’s squad, the Erites. Oh, and just so you’re in the loop, Ozni’s also known as Ezbon, just keepin’ you in check.
Yo, check it out, for Arod, it’s all about the Arodites squad, and for Areli, it’s straight-up the Arelites squad. Oh, FYI, Arod goes by Arodi too, in case you didn’t know.
Peep the squads repping Team Gad, fam. Counted ’em up, and we got a solid 40,500 in the crew.
Judah had Er and Onan as his sons, but they bounced while they were chillin’ in Canaan, sadly.
So, Judah’s fams were like this: The Shelanites roll from Shelah, the Pharzites rep Pharez, and the Zarhites trace back to Zerah.
So, Pharez wasn’t left out, he had his own squad. Hezron rolled with his crew, they called themselves the Hezronites, and Hamul had his peeps, known as the Hamulites.
So, here’s the deal with the fams of Judah: They got a headcount, and it came out to 76.5K, give or take.
Now, let’s break it down for the Issachar fam: Tola’s crew is known as the Tolaites, and Pua’s fam is called the Punites (some also call them Phuvah).
Moving on to other fams: Jashub’s fam, they roll as the Jashubites, and Shimron’s squad reps the Shimronites. (Just a heads up, Jashub might be Job, but it’s a bit fuzzy).
Yo, check it, these are the squads of Issachar, sorted by how many peeps they got in each crew. There were like a whopping 64,300 fam members, crazy, huh?
Now peep this, the Zebulun clique got these subgroups: the Sardites reppin’ Sered, the Elonites holdin’ it down for Elon, and the Jahleelites reppin’ Jahleel.
So, these be the Zebulun fams, totaling up to 67.5K peeps, straight up.
Joseph had two homies, Manasseh and Ephraim, and each of ’em rolled with their own fam.
Yo, Manasseh was rocking it with his son, Machir, and the Machirites were like, “Whoa, that’s our fam!” Machir was totally stoked and had a son named Gilead. And bam! Gilead’s crew was called the Gileadites, like, obviously!
Gilead’s squad was lit! Jeezer and his homies, known as the Jeezerites, and Helek and his crew, called the Helekites. Oh, and BTW, Jeezer also went by Abiezer.
Asriel’s crew was tight, known as the Asrielites. And same vibe with Shechem, they were holding it down as the Shechemites fam.
Don’t forget about the Shemidaites, repping hard from Shemida, and the Hepherites, coming straight outta Hepher.
So, check it out, Zelophehad, Hepher’s kid, didn’t have any dudes, just girls. And these girls were named Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.
Here’s the deal with Manasseh: they were a tight crew, and the headcount was like fifty-two grand and seven hundo.
Now, Ephraim’s squads were sorted by their own vibes: Shuthelah’s clique was all about the Shuthalhites, Becher’s crew repped the Bachrites, and Tahan’s squad held it down for the Tahanites. (Oh, and Becher, also known as Bered, was part of the fam too.)
And then you got the kids of Shuthelah, who rolled deep as the Eranites.
Yo, peep this: These are the squads from Ephraim, right? Total count: 32,500. And check it, Joseph’s homies rollin’ with their own squads and all.
Benjamin’s fams, they got their own vibe too: Bela’s crew, they Belaites, Ashbel’s squad, the Ashbelites, and Ahiram’s posse, the Ahiramites. Oh, and FYI, Ahiram goes by Ehi or Aharah sometimes, just so you know.
Now, let’s talk about the Shupham squad, the Shuphamites, right? And then we got the Hupham squad, the Huphamites. (Oh, and BTW, Shupham is Muppim and Hupham is Huppim.)
So, Bela’s offspring? They Ard and Naaman. Ard’s crew, they Ardites, and Naaman’s fam, the Naamites. Oh, and Ard? Sometimes he goes by Addar, just a heads up.
So, peep this, the Benjamin squad rolled up with a hefty 45.6K sons in their crew.
Now, check out Dan’s scene: you got the Shuhamites holding it down. Shuham, aka Hushim, reppin’ hard.
And yo, the Shuhamite fam count? Straight up, it was like 64,400. No cap.
Now, let’s break it down – the Asher clique was all about their fams. They had the Jimnites, the Jesuites, and the Beriites. Tight crew for real.
Yo, Beriah’s crew had Heber, who kicked off the Heberites vibe, and Malchiel, who laid the foundation for the Malchielites scene.
And yo, this chick from Asher’s squad was known as Sarah.
So, check it, Asher’s squad fam rolled deep – 53.4k strong, straight up.
Now, peep the Naphtali clans: you got the Jahzeelites and the Gunites reppin’.
Yo, check it, Jezer was like the head honcho of the Jezer clique, and his crew was known as the Jezerites. Then you got Shillem, aka Shallum, running the Shillemites squad.
Alright, listen up: These are the crews of Naphtali, all organized and whatnot. And get this, there were like a whopping 45.4K of them when they got counted. Pretty dope, huh?
So, peep this, the kid count in Israel was like 600K plus 1.7K.
God dropped some wisdom bombs on Moses, like,
So, like, the land’s gonna be divvied up among them for keeps, depending on how many names they got and all that jazz.
You gotta spread out more inheritance to a bigger crew, and dish out less inheritance to a smaller squad: everyone gets their fair cut according to the headcount.
But yo, the land’s gonna be split up by a lucky draw, you feel me? Each tribe gonna bag their inheritance based on their pops’ lineage and stuff.
The possession’s gonna be divvied between a bunch of peeps and just a few, depending on how the dice roll.
Check out the Levites fam, they’re split into their own tribes: Gershonites, Kohathites, and Merarites.
Peep the squads: Libnites, Hebronites, Mahlites, Mushites, and Korathites. Oh, and Kohath had Amram, just FYI.
Amram’s wifey? Jochebed. Straight outta Egypt, daughter of Levi. She popped out Aaron, Moses, and Miriam.
Aaron’s got a whole squad too: Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar, and Ithamar.
Nadab and Abihu totally crashed and burned when they tried to flex with some shady fire moves in front of the LORD.
And the count added up to twenty-three thousand, all dudes from a month old and up. They weren’t in the Israel crew because they didn’t get any land inheritance.
So, Moses and Eleazar the priest were totally on point, counting up all the Israel squad on the chill Moab plains by the Jordan river, near Jericho.
But none of these peeps got counted by Moses and Aaron the priest when they did a headcount of the Israel squad in the Sinai desert.
‘Cause the LORD had already said they’d crash and burn in the desert. And just so you know, not a single one of them made it out alive, except for Caleb, son of Jephunneh, and Joshua, son of Nun.

Numbers 27

Ayo, peep this! So there were these lit girls, the daughters of Zelophehad, who’s son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, from the fam of Manasseh, son of Joseph. And yo, their names were Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. Pretty dope, right?
So they all pulled up on Moses, Eleazar the priest, and the OG leaders in front of the tent, and spoke up,
Our pops passed away while we were vibin’ through the wild, and he wasn’t down with the rebellious crew who went against the LORD with Korah. But yo, he ended up checkin’ out ’cause of his own mistakes, and he didn’t have any sons to carry on his legacy.
Why should our dad’s name fade into the background just ’cause he didn’t have a son? We want our fair slice of our dad’s inheritance, just like our brothers. Help a sista out!
Moses was all like, “Yo, Lord, we got an ish here.”
God was chill, chattin’ with Moses, and He was all,
“Word up, those Zelophehad girls are on point. They deserve their slice of their old man’s legacy, just like any bros in the crew. Make sure they get what’s comin’ to ’em, ya dig?”
“Spread the word to the Israelite crew: If a dude peaces out without a son, his daughter’s the rightful heir to his stash.”
And if he’s got no daughter, then his homies snag his inheritance.
And if he’s an only child, then his dad’s squad gets the goods.
And if his pops doesn’t have any uncles, then his closest kin takes over the stash, and he’s the boss. This rule’s mega crucial for the Israel crew, ’cause the Big Man, aka the LORD, dropped the knowledge bomb to Moses.
Moses, yo! Climb up Mount Abarim and check out the land I’ve set up for the Israelite crew.
Once you peep that scene, you’ll get back with your squad, just like how Aaron, your main homie, got back in the mix.
You straight up disobeyed me out there in the Zin desert when y’all were all squabbling, and I was about to flex my divine power by hooking you up with water out of nowhere. Yeah, that’s the same water that stirred up all that drama at Meribah in Kadesh, smack dab in the middle of Zin’s wasteland.
So Moses was vibing with God and he was like,
“Yo, let the LORD, the big boss of everybody’s souls and bodies, pick a dude to lead the whole crew.”
Check it: the one blazing the trail, the one vibing alongside, the one dropping wisdom, and the one leading them straight to the goal—keeping the Lord’s fam on track so they don’t wander like lost sheep.
A’ight, Moses, listen close. The Most High said pick Joshua, son of Nun. This dude’s got next-level vibes and potential. So, Moses, lay hands on him, like, passing the torch.
Introduce him to Eleazar the priest and the whole squad; give him a task right there in front of everyone.
And hook him up with a piece of your essence, so the whole Israelite crew knows who’s running the show and stays in line.
So, imagine this scene: Joshua’s standing there, right up front with Eleazar the priest. Eleazar’s got this vibe like he’s the one who’s gonna really dig deep, ya know? He’s gonna use the Urim to get the 411 from God. And everyone’s gonna be all ears, following his lead, Joshua included, along with all the Israelite fam, just rolling deep.
So, Moses is like, “Yo, God said it, we’re doing it.” He grabs Joshua, pulls him up front with Eleazar and the whole crew, no questions asked.
Then, Moses puts his hands on Joshua, passes on the wisdom straight from the Big Guy, just like God told him to do.

Numbers 28

Yo, so God was vibin’ with Moses, and He dropped this message like,
“Tell the Israel crew to hook me up with their offerings and some bread for my sacrifices. They gotta do it at the right time, and trust, it’s gonna be like aromatherapy for me, straight up relaxing vibes.”
A’ight, peeps, check it: when you’re throwing down those fire sacrifices for the Big Guy, you gotta roll up with two lit lambs every single day. And these lambs? Gotta be top-tier, no flaws allowed. This ain’t no one-time deal, it’s a daily grind, keep that fire burning, ya feel? And oh, just so we’re clear, ‘day by day’ means it’s going down within 24 hours. Don’t let that slip your mind, squad!
One lamb’s gotta sizzle in the a.m., and another one’s gotta do its thing in the p.m. Yeah, you heard it! And when we say ‘evening,’ we mean ‘between the two evenings’ – just so you’re in the loop, fam!
Yo, so you gotta scoop up one-tenth of an ephah of flour for the offering, then mix it with about a fourth of a hin of beaten oil.
It’s like this consistent, fully on-point offering, set up way back in Mount Sinai to give off this amazing fragrance, a lit sacrifice made by fire for the LORD.
And for each lamb, pour like a quarter of a hin of strong wine as a drink offering to the LORD in the sacred spot.
Plus, you gotta offer up the other lamb in the evening, just like you did in the morning, with that meat and drink offering as a lit sacrifice, pleasing unto the LORD.
Yo, on the Sabbath Day, bring two cute lambs, fresh outta their first year, totally flawless. Plus, don’t sleep on bringing two servings of flour mixed with oil as a food offering, along with a drink offering on the side.
This is the vibe for every lit Sabbath, on top of the regular offering and the bomb drink offering.
And at the start of every month, it’s time to flex for the LORD: two young bullocks, one ram, and seven flawless one-year-old lambs.
And yo, you gotta come correct with three hefty bags of flour mixed with oil for one bullock; and two for the ram, you feel?
So, like, take about ten percent of flour mixed with oil, right? It’s like a vibe for one lamb, ya know? Burn it up, let the scent hit the skies, it’s a real offering for the big man upstairs.
For the drinks, pour out half a hin of wine for a bullock, one-third of a hin for a ram, and one-fourth of a hin for a lamb. That’s the drill, every single month, all year long.
Oh, and don’t forget about the goat, y’all. It’s like, essential for a sin-offering to the Big G. Gotta keep the cycle going, along with the regular burnt offering and its sippin’ session.
April 14th, mark it, fam! It’s time to get lit with the Lord for Passover.
Aight, check it, on the fifteenth day of this month, it’s time to throw down, squad. We’re talking a full week of munchin’ on that unleavened bread, no cap.
First day’s just vibes, no stressin’ ’bout grindin’ or nothin’. Just chillax:
Yo fam, we gotta bring the fire to the Big Man upstairs with some lit offerings. We’re talkin’ two young bullocks, one ram, and seven flawless lambs straight outta their first year. No flaws allowed, you feel?
For their offering, they gotta come correct with a mix of flour and oil: three parts for a bullock, and two parts for a ram;
Sure thing, here’s a Gen Z adaptation while maintaining the respectful tone:
So, when it comes to those lambs, you gotta kick in a solid 10% deal for each, like, no less, and do that same deal for all 7 lambs, okay?
And then, there’s this goat situation, it’s like your sin offering, you feel? It’s all about making things right with the big guy upstairs, ya know what I’m saying?
Plus, on top of the regular morning burnt offering that’s, like, an all-day, every-day vibe, you gotta roll up with these extra offerings, too, no exceptions.
Like, straight up, every single day for a whole week, you gotta bring the fire-grilled meat offering that’s got that mouth-watering aroma, all for the big man upstairs. It’s gotta be served up alongside the usual burnt offering and the drink offering, like, non-negotiable.
Alright, here’s the Gen Z Bible remix:
So, like, on the chill seventh day, it’s time to vibe together and take a breather. No stressing about the hustle, okay?
And when it’s time to bring the freshest food offering to the Big Guy upstairs on the firstfruits day, after grinding all week, it’s party time; no boring tasks allowed!
But you gotta flex on the Big Man with a lit burnt offering: two young bullocks, one ram, and seven fire lambs of the freshest year.
Also, whip up a vegan dish with flour and oil, three portions for one bullock, and two for one ram, totally on point, you feel me?
Throw down like 10% of the whole deal for one lamb, and repeat for all seven lambs.
And snag a cute goat to, you know, keep things chill between you and the Big Guy.
Bring all these goodies along with the usual burnt offering, and don’t forget the food offering either. Oh, and make sure everything’s flawless, no imperfections allowed. And don’t skimp on the drink offerings either, duh!

Numbers 29

Yo, on the first day of the seventh month, it’s time to come together for a sick celebration. But hey, no hustlin’ like slaves, alright? It’s all about those trumpet vibes, fam.
And you gotta show some love to the big man upstairs with a dope burnt offering: one young bullock, one ram, and seven flawless lambs, straight up.
For their grub, whip up some flour and oil mix: three portions for the bullock and two for the ram, you feel?
And for each of the seven lambs, kick in one-tenth of an amount. Keep it real, yo.
Yo, check it, there’s this one goat, cool? It’s, like, there to sort out the sin stuff for you all:
Plus, on the regular, there’s the monthly burnt offering with its food, and the daily burnt offering with its grub, and their drink deals, done up how they roll, like a lit gift, a fire sacrifice to the LORD.
And on the tenth day of this chill seventh month, you gotta vibe in a sacred sesh and get real with yourselves. No hustling or grinding during that time, aight?
But yo, you gotta drop a sick burnt offering to the LORD, like with a young bull, a ram, and seven fresh lambs. They gotta be top-tier, no flaws or whack stuff.
So, like, they gotta bring this food offering, right? It’s like flour mixed with oil, three parts for each bullock, and two parts for each ram. Keeping it balanced, you know?
It’s like, you pay for one lamb but you score a deal for seven! Super chill!
Yo, we’re talking sacrifice vibes here. Gotta give up one of those goat kids for a sin offering, plus the atonement sin offering, the regular burnt offering, and the food offering with its drink vibe.
Mark your calendars, peeps! On the 15th day of the 7th month, it’s time to get lit for the LORD! No grinding at work, just full-on celebration mode for a whole week! Let’s party in the name of the divine!
Yo, fam, when you wanna vibe with the Lord, you gotta bring that offering, like straight-up lit, on fire, making the room smell divine. It’s gotta be thirteen young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen flawless, pure lambs, all just a year old, ya feel?
And for their munchies, whip up a blend of flour and oil. Pour out three-tenths of a deal for each of those thirteen bullocks, and two-tenths for each of the two rams.
Each lamb’s gotta get its fair share, like a tenth or so, for all fourteen of ’em.
Oh, and don’t forget that one goat for the sin offering, alongside the regular burnt offering, with its grub and drinks and all that jazz.
So, on day two, you gotta roll up with twelve lit young bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless lambs that are fresh on the scene, no cap.
And make sure the food and drinks you bring for these young bulls, rams, and lambs match the headcount, like, following the usual vibes, ya feel?
Also, toss in a goat for, like, a sin offering, ya know? Oh, and we can’t forget about the regular burnt offering, and the food offering, and the drink offerings that go with it, man.
Then, on the third day, they brought eleven bullocks, two rams, and fourteen super fresh lambs that were, like, totally flawless and just one year old.
So, like, they gotta make sure they bring the grub and drinks for the bulls, rams, and lambs, just like they always do:
And don’t forget one goat for the sin vibe, along with the usual burnt offering, chow, and drinks.
And on day four, they laid down ten bullocks, two rams, and fourteen mint lambs, all a year old:
Their munchies and drinks for the bullocks, rams, and lambs gotta match up with how many there are, sticking to the same old routine.
So, like, throw in a goat kid for the sin vibes, you know? Along with the usual burnt offering, food deal, and drinks, fam.
Then, on day five, they’re bringing nine beefy bullocks, two rams, and a solid fourteen young lambs without any flaws, like, just a year old, ya dig?
Gotta make sure there’s enough grub and drinks for the bullocks, rams, and lambs, depending on how many you got, just stick to the usual drill, you know?
Oh, and don’t sleep on that goat for the sin hustle, gotta add it to the regular burnt offering, grain drop, and drink vibe.
So, on the sixth day, there were like, eight bullocks, two rams, and fourteen spotless lambs, straight up flawless:
And the feast vibe, along with the bulls, rams, and lambs, should match the number of animals, just keeping it traditional:
Also, toss in a goat for a sin offering, on top of the regular burnt offering, its grub, and its sips.
And then on the chill seventh day, you gotta sacrifice these seven bullocks, two rams, and fourteen lambs, totally on point, no imperfections whatsoever, ya feel?
So, like, when they roll up with all those bullocks, rams, and lambs, they gotta make sure they pack enough snacks and drinks to keep the vibes chill. Gotta keep that balance, you feel?
And there’s gonna be this goat for, like, a total sins payment, on top of the usual burnt offering, snack offering, and drink offering. Just covering all the bases, you know?
On the eighth day, it’s time to gather up for a major event, no hustlin’ or grindin’ allowed on that day:
Yo, when you come through, it’s gotta be with a lit offering for the big man upstairs: one bull, one ram, and seven flawless lambs that are still in their first year. That’s the vibe.
Aight, fam, when it comes to offering up those animals—bullocks, rams, and lambs—make sure you’re bringing the right amount. You know the vibes:
And yo, don’t forget about that goat for the sin offering, on top of the regular burnt offering, the meal deal, and the drinks.
Now, listen up, when you’re celebrating with the Most High, besides your promises and voluntary gifts, make sure you’re showing up with your offerings—burnt, grub, sips, or peace. It’s all part of the gig, fam. #Blessed
Moses kept it with the Israelites, spitting exactly what the Most High told him to. No cap.

Numbers 30

Moses gathered all the squad leaders of the tribes and was like, “Yo, listen up, fam, this is what the big man upstairs, the LORD, told us to do.”
If someone makes a promise to the LORD or swears an oath to really commit, they gotta stick to it, no backtracking. They gotta come through with everything they said they’d do.
Like, if a girl makes a promise to the LORD and commits to it while still living with her parents, you know, in her early days.
If her dad hears her promise and the commitment she’s making and he’s cool with it, then her promises will be legit and her commitments will be solid.
But, like, if her dad shuts it down once he’s in the loop, then all those promises she made or commitments she locked in won’t hold water: and the big man upstairs will let it slide, ’cause her dad put the kibosh on it.
And, like, if she’s got a hubby, you know, and she makes a pledge or says something real serious, she’s gotta stick to it, you know? She can’t just ghost her word and all.
So, when her dude catches wind of it, he stays mum that day. So, her word still stands and those commitments she made are still legit.
But if her man gives her the thumbs down after hearing about it, then he’s gotta nullify the promise she made and the words she dropped to seal the deal. It’s like it never happened, and the big guy’s cool with it.
Yo, peeps, check it: If a widowed or divorced lady makes a vow, swearin’ all that stuff, she gotta stick to it, ya feel?
Like, if she made that promise while still hitched or swore big with her whole heart—
—and her dude heard it but didn’t say squat, then all her vows and self-commitments stand.
But if her man straight-up cancels ’em right after he hears, then whatever she promised or committed don’t fly. He canceled it, and God’s cool with that, forgiving her.
So, like, if someone goes all out and pledges to take on some tough stuff or makes a legit promise, their partner can either back it or back out of it.
But if her partner keeps quiet and doesn’t speak up against it day by day, it’s like a green light—he’s all in for whatever she’s down with. He’s basically saying, “Yeah, I’m cool with that,” by not saying anything when he learns about it.
But if he suddenly decides to nix it after hearing about it, then he’s gotta own up to her mess-up.
These are the guidelines the big man upstairs passed down to Moses for couples and for dads and their young daughters still living under their roof.

Numbers 31

So, like, God hits up Moses and He’s all like,
Make sure to clap back at those Midianites for the Israelites, and once you’re done, it’ll be your time to join your squad.
So Moses steps up to the crew, and he’s like, ‘Aight, gear up for war! Round up some soldiers and send them to face the Midianites. It’s time to flex on the Midianites and get payback for the LORD!
You gotta send a thousand warriors from each tribe, repping all the tribes of Israel, into battle. Yeah, you heard it, a thousand from each tribe!
Yo, so check it, each of the twelve tribes of Israel had, like, a thousand warriors. So, quick math, that’s twelve thousand warriors all geared up and ready to throw down.
Then, Moses got his squad together— a thousand from each tribe. Phinehas, son of Eleazar the priest, was in the mix too. They were strapped with sacred weapons and had trumpets ready to blast for battle.
So, they rolled up on the Midianites, just like how God laid it out for Moses. And guess what? They wiped them out, no questions asked.
It was total domination, man. They took out all the big shots of Midian, plus some extras: Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba, the five kings of Midian. Oh, and Balaam, son of Beor? He caught the slice and dice treatment with a sword too.
Yo, so the Israelites straight up nabbed all the ladies from Midian, plus their little ones. Oh, and they didn’t stop there, they scooped up all their livestock too, like, cows, sheep, the whole nine yards.
Then they lit up all their cities where they kicked it, and even their fancy fortresses, like, whoosh, with fire.
And they scored all the loot, all the drip, from both peeps and animals.
So they rolled up with the captives, the loot, and all the goodies to Moses, Eleazar the priest, and the whole Israelite crew chillin’ at the camp by the Moab plains, near the Jordan River close to Jericho.
So Moses, Eleazar the priest, and all the OG leaders of the crew rolled out to meet them outside the camp.
And Moses was all fired up at the squad captains, you know, the ones running the show for thousands and hundreds, who came back from the showdown. (Yeah, the big battle, the whole shebang)
Moses was like, “Hold up, did y’all spare those ladies though?”
Listen up, fam. These folks, swayed by Balaam’s bad vibes, straight up dissed the Most High by getting into some messed-up stuff at Peor. And let me tell ya, a plague hit the whole squad of the Most High.
Yo, make sure to round up all the bros and any girls who’ve, you know, been with a dude. Just sayin’, bro.
But like, spare all the girls who haven’t hooked up with anyone, you feel? Keep ’em for yourselves, I guess.
So, y’all gotta chill outside the camp for a full week. If anyone’s taken a life or touched a dead body, gotta purify yourselves and your captives on the third and seventh day.
Scrub down everything you wear, all your animal skin gear, anything goat-hair-made, and all wooden stuff real good.
Yo, peeps! Check it out! Eleazar, the priest, was dropping some wisdom on the squad about to head into battle. He was like, “Hey fam, listen up! Here’s the deal – it’s the law straight from the LORD that Moses laid down.”
Basically, only the dope gold, the lit silver, the rad brass, the hardcore iron, the chill tin, and the fresh lead,
Anything that can handle the heat gotta go through fire to get clean, then hit up with that separation water. But if it can’t handle the fire, just dunk it in water.
And yo, on the seventh day, don’t forget to freshen up and toss those dirty threads in the wash. Once you’re clean, you can roll back into camp feeling fly.
So, check it, God totally hit up Moses and was all like,
“Hey, Moses, gotta do a headcount of all the stuff we snagged from our enemies, ya feel? You, Eleazar the priest, and the big shots in the crew gotta handle it. Oh, and BTW, include the peeps we nabbed too, NBD.”
Then, split the loot, yo. Give props to those who threw down in battle and everyone else:
So, here’s the deal: kick something back to the Big Man from all the warriors who went out swinging. Like, one outta every five hundred people, plus some of the livestock—cows, donkeys, sheep, you name it.
Yo, grab some of their stash and slide it over to Eleazar the priest as an offering to the LORD.
And out of the Israelites’ cut, you gotta snag one part out of every fifty peeps, cows, donkeys, all sorts of animals, and pass ’em to the Levites, who hold it down at the LORD’s crib.
So, like, Moses and Eleazar, the priest, straight-up followed exactly what the LORD told Moses to do. No cap, they were on point, no questions asked.
And the loot, the extras from what the soldiers grabbed, was, like, a mega stack of six hundred thousand, seventy thousand, and five thousand sheep, yo!
Yo, check it, they had 72K cows, straight up.
Plus, they were rolling with 61K donkeys, like, no joke.
And peep this, there were like 32K virgin women, keeping it real, never been with a dude.
The squad who brought the heat in battle? They had a massive 307.5K sheep in their crew. Now that’s what I call a serious flex, fam.
Yo, the big man upstairs got 675 sheep as his tribute.
There were like 36K beefs, and the big guy’s slice was 72, you know, as his tribute.
And there were 30,500 donkeys; of those, the big man’s share was 61.
And there were like 16K people, and the Lord’s cut was about 32 people.
So, like, Moses dropped off the LORD’S cut, the special offering, to Eleazar the priest, exactly like the LORD had laid it out for him.
And yo, check it, from the Israelite squad, Moses took out a chunk after they balled out in battle.
So, get this, there were like 300,000, 30,000, and 7,500 sheep for the crew.
Plus, they had a stash of 36,000 cows, straight up.
So, dude, there were like 30k donkeys and 500,
And bro, there were like sixteen thousand people, you know?
Moses took a fraction (1/50) from the Israelites, including people and animals, and gave them to the Levites. The Levites were responsible for taking care of the tabernacle as the LORD commanded Moses.
So, the big shots, in charge of, like, thousands of people, you know, the leaders of the thousands and hundreds, they all came up to Moses, you feel me?
So they hit up Moses, like, “Yo, Mo, just a heads-up, we did a full headcount of all the guys on our watch, and guess what? Not a single one is MIA. Straight up, bro!”
So, we’re dropping a gift to the LORD. It’s like all the lit stuff we’ve copped, you feel? Like, we’re talking about the dope gold gear, bling chains, bracelets, rings, earrings, and even those fresh tablets. It’s our vibe to get right with the man upstairs.
So Moses and Eleazar, the priest, scooped up all that fly gold and fancy jewelry from the crew.
And the grand total of gold they dropped for the LORD, from the top dogs of the thousands and hundreds, came out to sixteen thousand seven hundred and fifty shekels. (FYI: they called this offering a ‘heave offering’ in Hebrew)
Those soldiers were totally vibin’ with that loot, ya know? They were straight-up grabbing goodies left and right, like it was a major treasure hunt or somethin’.
Moses and Eleazar, the priest, they were on it, man. They rounded up all that gold from the big shots, the ones leadin’ thousands and hundreds, and they hauled it into the spot where they met up, showin’ respect and remembrance for the Israelites in front of the big man upstairs, the LORD.

Numbers 32

So, Reuben and Gad’s crew had, like, a massive load of cattle, you feel me? And when they scoped out the scene in Jazer and Gilead, they were hyped ’cause it was prime territory for their cows and whatnot.
The squad from Gad and Reuben hit up Moses’ inbox, along with Eleazar the priest and the OGs of the crew, and they were all like,
Yo, we’re holding it down in Ataroth, Dibon, Jazer, Nimrah, Heshbon, Elealeh, Shebam, Nebo, and Beon (also known as Bethnimrah, Shebam (or should I say Shibmah?), and Beon (also called Baalmeon)).
Bro, God straight up smashed that place before the Israelites rolled through, but now it’s like a chill spot for raising cattle and all that. Your homies got hella livestock there, no lie.
So they were like, “If we’re, like, cool with you, can we, like, have this land as, like, our home? Please don’t make us cross the Jordan River, tho.”
So Moses was all, “Yo, kids from Gad and Reuben, are you just gonna chill here while your bros go to war? Like, what’s up with that?”
“Yo, why y’all tryna bring down the vibes of the Israel squad, making them second-guess going into the land that the LORD hooked them up with? Just let ’em live their best lives, fam!”
“Yo, that’s what your ancestors did when I sent them from Kadeshbarnea to peep the land.”
Yo, so when they checked out the scene in the Eshcol Valley and scoped out the land, they totally killed the vibe for the Israelite crew. It made them lose all their confidence and they straight-up decided not to go into the land that the LORD hooked them up with.
And God got really mad in that moment and was like,
No cap, all those guys who left Egypt and are twenty years old and older won’t even get to peep the land that I promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. It’s because they didn’t stay loyal to me like they were supposed to, you feel me? Like, they couldn’t fully back me up and do everything I asked. It’s a straight-up disappointment, fam.
Yo, make sure you protect Caleb, son of Jephunneh, the Kenezite, and Joshua, son of Nun, ’cause they’ve been all in, faithfully following the LORD.
God was straight-up furious with Israel, so He made them wander in the desert for a solid forty years. It was like major payback for all the messed-up stuff they were pulling that seriously ticked off the big guy upstairs. And yeah, eventually, those who were in the wrong died out.
Alright, peeps, listen up! You’re basically following in the footsteps of your pops, inheriting their legacy as a bunch of rebellious folks. Seriously, you’re cranking up the LORD’s anger towards Israel. Not a vibe, ya feel?
If you ditch God, He’s gonna leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere, and trust me, the whole crew is gonna go down.
So they’re like, ‘Yo, let’s slide up to this dude and pitch the idea of building some sheepfolds for our cattle and cities for our squad! I mean, we gotta look out for our animals and make sure our little ones have a place to kick it, you feel me?’
We’re gonna vibe hard with our squad in front of the Israel crew until we help them reach their spot. And our younger fam will be posted up on the city walls ’cause the spot’s already packed.
We ain’t heading back to our spots until every Israelite claims their own turf.
So, like, we ain’t snagging our inheritance while they’re across the Jordan, you feel? ‘Cause our rightful stuff’s been handed to us on this side of the Jordan, on the east.
Then Moses was like, yo crew, if y’all down for this, and if y’all ready to show out for the LORD in battle,
So, peeps, get ready to flex and cross over the Jordan River with the Lord leading the way, until He totally owns his haters.
Once you’ve nailed it and taken over the turf with the Lord’s back-up, you can totally kick back and return guilt-free in front of the Lord and the whole Israel crew. This land? It’s gonna be yours, like, for real, in the Lord’s eyes.
But if you’re like, “Nah, not feeling it,” and straight up refuse, yo, listen up – you’re basically dissing the Lord, and lemme tell ya, your bad vibes will come back to bite.
Build hangouts for your squad, and cozy spots for your flocks; and keep it real, always sticking to your word.
So, like, these homies from Gad and Reuben were straight-up vibing with Moses, and they were all, ‘Ayo, Moses, hear us out! We’re ride or die for you, dude. Whatever you say, we’re totally on board.’
Our crew, our peeps, our furry buds, and all our gear, gonna be kicking it in the cities of Gilead:
But us, your squad, we’re gonna lead the charge, fully geared up for battle, standing before the LORD, just like you said, dude.
So Moses was all, ‘Yo, Eleazar the priest, Joshua, and all the big shots leading the tribes of Israel, listen up.’
So, Moses dropped this truth bomb like, “Listen up, fam! If the crew from Gad and Reuben are down to ride with you across the Jordan, fully strapped and ready to throw down for the Most High, and we end up owning the land, then we gotta hook them up with Gilead as their rightful turf, no cap:
But, like, if they’re not feeling the vibe to join you on this epic journey ready to throw hands, it’s all good, they can still cop their own spot in Canaan.
And the homies from Gad and Reuben were like, ‘Bet, we got you! Whatever the Most High said, we’re all in!’
We’re gonna flex our gear and pull up in front of the Most High, ready to chill in Canaan, so we can fully claim what’s ours this side of the Jordan.”
So, Moses was vibing with the children of Gad, the children of Reuben, and half of the tribe of Manasseh (yeah, from Joseph’s squad), and he scored them the kingdom of Sihon, the Amorite king, and the kingdom of Og, the king of Bashan. He handed over the land, plus all the rad cities in the area. Like, the full deal, dude.
So, the Gad crew totally built up Dibon, and Ataroth, and Aroer,
And there were these spots, you know, Atroth, Shophan, Jaazer, and Jogbehah. Oh, and Jaazer was also sometimes called Jazer, #justsaying.
So, there were these lit cities called Bethnimrah and Bethharan, totally fortified and secure. They even had sheep pens and everything. Oh, btw, Bethnimrah was also known as Nimrah. Pretty lit, right?
Yo, check it, the Reuben crew was straight-up building in Heshbon, Elealeh, and Kirjathaim, you feel?
Nebo, Baalmeon, and Shibmah? They flipped their names, man! And all the cities they built? They gave ’em fresh monikers, like, “Let’s jazz up these spots!” Dig?
Machir’s posse, reppin’ Manasseh, swooped into Gilead, snatched it back, and showed those Amorites who’s boss.
Moses was like, “Yo, Machir, Gilead’s yours now, homie,” and hooked him up with his own pad like a champ.
Then Jair, Manasseh’s kid, staked claim on those towns and named ’em Havothjair, you know?
And Nobah? He snagged Kenath and its hood, tagged it with his name, Nobah, keeping it real.

Numbers 33

Alright, check it: These are the wild tales of the Israelite crew. They dipped out of Egypt, showing off their strength, all thanks to Moses and Aaron teaming up.
Moses was on point, jotting down every stop they made on their journey, ’cause the Lord said so. And these are the spots they hit up along the way.
The Israelites left Rameses in the first month, on the fifteenth day; right after Passover, they jetted out with swagger, right in front of the Egyptians. It was lit!
So, the Egyptians, yo? They had to bury all their firstborns, ’cause the LORD hit ’em hard. And get this, the LORD straight up called out their gods too. Like, major power moves, you feel?
So, the Israelite crew dipped from Rameses and pitched their tents in Succoth.
Then they bounced from Succoth and pitched in Etham, right on the edge of the wilderness, you know.
Next stop, they dipped from Etham and rolled back to Pihahiroth, in front of Baalzephon, and set up camp before Migdol.
So they bounced from Pihahiroth and crossed the big sea, straight into the massive desert. They trekked for three days in the wild Etham and finally pitched their tents in Marah.
So, they dipped from Marah and rolled up to Elim: And in Elim, there were like twelve lit water spots, and seventy palm trees; and they pitched their tents there.
And after kicking it in Elim for a minute, they pitched their tents by the Red Sea.
Then they dipped from the Red Sea and pitched their tents in the wilderness of Sin.
And like, they totally ghosted the desert of Sin and pitched their tents in Dophkah.
So, they dipped from Dophkah and crashed in Alush.
Then they peaced out from Alush and pitched their tents at Rephidim, but, like, there was absolutely no agua for the squad to sip. Major bummer, bro.
After that, they jetted from Rephidim and posted up in the Sinai wilderness.
Then they bounced from the Sinai Desert and settled down at Kibrothhattaavah.
So, they dipped from Kibrothhattaavah and pitched their tents in Hazeroth.
Then, they bounced from Hazeroth and pitched camp in Rithmah.
After that, they bounced from Rithmah and pitched their tents at Rimmonparez.
And they dipped from Rimmonparez and pitched camp in Libnah.
So, they bounced from Libnah and crashed at Rissah.
Then they jetted from Rissah and landed in Kehelathah.
After that, they rolled out from Kehelathah and posted up at Mount Shapher.
And then, they were like, peace out, Mount Shapher, and found a chill spot in Haradah.
So they dipped from Haradah and pitched their tents in Makheloth.
Then they dipped from Makheloth and pitched at Tahath.
And from Tahath, they cruised to Tarah and pitched there.
But yo, they bounced from Tarah and pitched in Mithcah.
And then they jetted from Mithcah and set up camp in Hashmonah.
After that, they bounced from Hashmonah and landed at Moseroth.
So they dipped from Moseroth and camped in Benejaakan.
Then they dipped from Benejaakan and camped at Horhagidgad.
Next move, they dipped from Horhagidgad and camped in Jotbathah.
So they dipped from Jotbathah and camped in Ebronah.
Then they bounced from Ebronah and camped at Eziongaber.
And from Eziongaber, they set up camp in the Zin wilderness, which they called Kadesh.
So they dipped from Kadesh and camped at Mount Hor, right on the edge of Edom.
And then, Aaron, the priest dude, had to climb up Mount Hor as the LORD told him, and yeah, he passed there. This went down in the fortieth year since the Israelite kids dipped from Egypt, specifically on the first day of the fifth month. Sad vibes.
Aaron was super old, hitting 123 before he passed on Mount Hor.
Yo, King Arad the Canaanite, down south in Canaan, heard about the Israelite kids rolling through.
So, they dipped from mount Hor and crashed in Zalmonah for a hot minute.
Then, they dipped outta Zalmonah and rolled up to Punon.
Next stop: Punon. They stayed for a vibe before hitting the road again.
And then, peace out Oboth! They pitched tents in Ijeabarim, chilling on the Moab border.
After that, they jetted from Iim and set up shop in Dibongad.
Then, they bounced from Dibongad and camped out in Almondiblathaim.
And they straight-up left Almondiblathaim and hiked up to the lit mountains of Abarim, right in front of Nebo.
And they bounced from the mountains of Abarim to chill in the plains of Moab near the Jordan River, like, super close to Jericho.
They pitched their tents by the Jordan River, yo, from Bethjesimoth all the way to Abelshittim in the plains of Moab. (Abelshittim means the plains of Shittim)
So, God was vibing with Moses, right? They were posted up in the plains of Moab, near the Jordan River, you feel? And this is what God dropped…
Yo, listen up, Israel crew. Once you’ve crossed over the Jordan and stepped into Canaan,
It’s like this, fam: you gotta clear out everyone in that hood before you and delete all their posts and stories. And don’t forget to straight up wreck all those lit spots they kick it at.
So, check it, you’re gonna claim the land and make it your crib ’cause I’m hooking you up with it, you feel me?
Alright, listen up: you’re gonna divvy up the land, like, draw straws or whatever, and each fam gets their own turf. Big fams score more, small ones get less. Where your straw lands, that’s your spot, based on your fam tribe. It’s all about inheriting, whether it’s primo or just basic, ya dig?
But yo, if you don’t fully kick out the current residents, it’s gonna be a real pain. They’ll be all up in your grill, poking your eyes and getting in your face. That’s no vibe for where you’re trying to chill.
And peep this: I’m gonna treat you just like I planned to treat them, straight up.

Numbers 34

God slid into Moses’ DMs with a message like,
“Yo, listen up, Israel! So, when you finally hit up Canaan, which is gonna be your spot and all, make sure to peep the whole scene, like the full Canaan package, you dig?
So, like, your southern turf is gonna stretch from this super remote place called Zin, hugging the Edom coast, and your southern border is gonna be the edge of the salt sea to the east:
And your territory’s gonna go all the way from the south, hitting up Akrabbim, cruising through Zin, reaching Kadeshbarnea, then bouncing to Hazaraddar and Azmon.
And the border’s gonna stretch from Azmon to the river of Egypt, wrapping up at the sea.
And on the west, you’ll be chilling by the lit Great Sea vibes. Living that beach life, that’s your jam fam.
And for your north, start from the big ocean and mark out Mount Hor for yourselves:
Yo, move up from Mount Hor and check where your turf ends at the entrance of Hamath; the border’s gonna stretch to Zedad, fam:
And, like, it’s gonna reach Ziphron, and, you know, it’s gonna end at Hazarenan. That’s your north border, dude.
So, like, mark off your eastern turf starting from Hazarenan all the way to Shepham, like duh:
And the border’s gonna stretch from Shepham to Riblah, on the east side of Ain; then slide down to the shore of the sea of Chinnereth towards the east:
And the border’s gonna hit the Jordan River, and the outer limits will reach the Dead Sea: this is your land and its scene.
So Moses was like, ‘Yo, listen up, Israelites. This is the land you’re gonna get, all thanks to the big man upstairs. He said it’s gonna be divided among nine and a half tribes, by drawing lots and stuff.
So, like, the Reuben squad, ya know, based on their lineage, and the Gad squad, also based on their lineage, they totally got their rightful shares of the inheritance, and even half of the Manasseh squad got theirs too.
The two tribes and the half tribe got their share on this side of Jordan, close to Jericho, towards the sunrise.
God was like, ‘Yo Moses, listen up’
Here are the dudes who will split up the land for you: Eleazar the priest and Joshua, son of Nun.
And y’all gotta pick a leader from each tribe to split up the land for everyone to inherit.
These are the homies’ names: From team Judah, we got Caleb, son of Jephunneh.
And from the Simeon squad, Shemuel, son of Ammihud.
From the Benjamin tribe, there’s Elidad, son of Chislon.
And the cool leader of the Dan squad, Bukki, son of Jogli.
Yo, Hanniel, son of Ephod, was the prince of the Manasseh tribe, representing the children of Joseph.
And the leader of the Ephraim squad, Kemuel, son of Shiphtan.
And the leader of the Zebulun squad, Elizaphan, son of Parnach.
And the cool leader of the Issachar squad, Paltiel, son of Azzan.
And the cool leader of the Asher tribe was Ahihud, son of Shelomi, my dudes.
And the cool leader of the Naphtali squad, Pedahel (A.K.A. ‘Pedro’) – son of Ammihud.
These are the ones who God told to distribute the Canaan turf as inheritance to the Israel squad.

Numbers 35

So, like, God was just vibing with Moses, you know? They were kicking it in Moab, close to the Jordan River, near Jericho. And then God was like…
“Yo, tell the Israelites to hook up the Levites with some land in their turf. They need cities to chill in, and make sure to throw in some cool suburbs around them.”
“Those cities should be lit, with plenty of space for their cows, their gear, and all their dope pets.”
“And make sure the chill spots around the cities, which you gotta give to the Levites, extend out about a thousand cubits in every direction from the city walls.”
“Bro, measure out like two thousand cubits from each side of the city: east, south, west, and north. The city’s gonna be smack dab in the middle, surrounded by chill suburbs, you feel?”
“You gotta hand over six cities to the Levites as safe havens for anyone who accidentally takes a life, so they can dip there for protection. Plus, toss in another forty-two cities on top of that. It’s like extra support, you know?”
“So, it’s like a total of 48 cities for the Levites, okay? And, uh, don’t forget their suburbs. Just keep it cool and give ’em what they need, yeah?”
“And make sure to pass the cities over to the cool kids of Israel, yo! If they got a lot, give ’em a lot; if they got a little, just give ’em a little. Everyone’s gotta pitch in and give some cities to the Levites based on their land, you dig? It’s their inheritance and all, dude!”
And God was like, “Hey Moses, listen up,”
“Yo, Israel fam, listen! When you hit up Canaan after crossing the Jordan River, I got some news for y’all.”
“So, like, you gotta pick some cities where peeps can bounce to if they accidentally take someone’s life, you know? Like, if it was a mistake or something, they can jet there for safety. It’s all about having a place to crash when it’s not intentional. #accidentshappen #safetyfirst”
“Basically, these cities are like safe zones where someone who accidentally causes a death can chill and not get hit with punishment right away. They gotta wait for a community trial before anything goes down.”
“And out of all these cities you’re handing out, there’s gonna be like six chill cities where people can feel safe, you know?”
“Hook it up with three cities this side of the Jordan, and three more in Canaan, all serving as safe zones, ya know.”
“So, there are gonna be six chill cities where Israelites and even outsiders can bounce to if they accidentally off someone. It’s like a sanctuary, you know?”
“If someone straight-up murders another with an iron weapon, they gotta get the axe without question.”
“Same deal if they take someone out with a rock, they’re done for.”
“But if it’s like, a wooden weapon and they cause a death, they’re still guilty of murder, dude. And the punishment is straight-up death.”
“The one seeking justice will handle the killer themselves: when they cross paths, it’s going down.”
“But if it’s a hate-fueled attack, or premeditated, and they pull it off,”
“If someone deliberately takes a life, they get the same fate. ‘Cause it’s murder, and the one seeking justice should take their life too when they can.”
“But if it’s an accidental attack, no malice involved, or if they throw something without planning it,”
“Or like, if you chuck a stone by accident and it kills someone, even though you didn’t mean harm, and they weren’t your enemy or anything:”
“The crew gotta weigh up the one who did the deed and the one thirsting for revenge, based on these rules:”
“The squad gotta help the killer escape the avenger and take them back to their safe city. They gotta chill there until the high priest, anointed with holy oil, kicks it.”
“But if the perp leaves the safe city they fled to,”
“If the avenger finds them outside the safe zone and takes them out, they’re not guilty of murder.”
“They gotta stay in the safe city until the high priest kicks it. But once the high priest is out, the killer can bounce back to their turf.”
“So, like, these rules are gonna stick around forever and ever, for real, like a legit guide for you and your crew, wherever you’re at. No joke.”
“If someone takes a life, they get executed, but it’s gotta be confirmed by multiple witnesses. One witness ain’t enough to drop the death penalty.”
“And you can’t bribe a murderer, especially if they’re totally guilty and deserve death. Nah, man. They gotta face the music and get taken out for real.”
“And you can’t bribe someone who’s chilling in the safe city to let them dip back into the land until the priest kicks it.”
“So, like, don’t mess up the land you’re living in, alright? Blood stains and messes it up, and the only way to clean it is with the blood of the one who caused it. You can’t just wipe it away, you know?”
“So, don’t wreck the land where I chill, because I, the LORD, hang with the children of Israel.”

Numbers 36

Yo, check it, the OG dads from the Gilead crew, who was Manasseh’s grandkid repping Joseph’s fam, they rolled up to Moses and the bigwigs of the Israelite squad.
So, peep this, they were like, God hit up my homie and was like, “Yo, Moses, run this lottery vibe to divvy up the land for the Israelite crew.” And Moses was just vibing with God’s plan, making sure Zelophehad’s daughters got what was rightfully theirs, you feel?
And if these daughters link up with someone from another Israelite tribe, they gotta bounce from our ancestral land deal and jump ship to their new tribe’s turf. That means their piece of the pie gets sliced from our slice.
And when it’s time to hit that jubilee for the Israelites, their inheritance gets tagged onto their new tribe’s stack. That means their cut switches from our fam’s tribe to the new squad they’re repping.
Moses was all like, “Hey fam, listen up! This is what the LORD wants us to do. Joseph’s crew is dropping some real wisdom bombs, y’all.”
So, like, God lays down some rules for the daughters of Zelophehad. He’s like, “You can choose your bae, but stick to your dad’s squad.” It’s all about keeping it in the fam, you feel?
Israelites can’t just hop tribes like that. Gotta rep where your ancestors came from and keep that inheritance strong. #LegacyMatters
So, if a girl scores some land in an Israelite tribe, she’s gotta tie the knot with a dude from her dad’s clique. That way, everyone keeps their ancestral lands in check, you dig?
Yo, no tribe hopping with the inheritance, aight? Each Israelite tribe gotta stick to its own stash, got me?
As the Big G told Moses, the daughters of Zelophehad were on point with His command:
So Mahlah, Tirzah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Noah, Zelophehad’s daughters, hooked up with their cousins, straight up.
And they tied the knot with their homie squads from the Manasseh crew, Joseph’s fam. And their property stayed in their dad’s tribe, fam, it was all about keeping it in the family, ya dig?
So, like, these are the rules the Big G gave Moses to lay on the Israelites in those chill plains near Moab, close to the Jordan River, right by Jericho, you know?