Nahum - Gen Z Bible

Nahum 1

Yo, here’s the scoop on Nineveh. So, Nahum, this dude from Elkosh, he had this vision and wrote it all down in a book.
God gets real jealous, like, He’s not playing around. The LORD takes revenge, gets seriously ticked off; He’s storing up wrath for those who diss Him. (Godd…: or, The LORD is a jealous God, and a revenger, etc) (gets furious: Heb. that has fury)
God ain’t quick to rage, but when He does, it’s epic. He’s all about justice—ain’t no way He lets the bad guys slide. He controls the wildest storms and tornadoes; the clouds are like His giant footprints.
God’s like, “Chill, waves!” and dries up rivers. Bashan, Carmel, and Lebanon lose their lushness.
When God rolls in, mountains quake and hills melt—they can’t even when He shows up. The whole earth lights up in His presence. It’s too much for everything and everyone.
Seriously, who can stand up to His rage? Can anyone survive His anger? His fury blazes like fire; He’ll even hurl rocks.
The LORD is epic, a rock-solid fortress when life gets real. He’s got your back, no doubt, knows who’s riding with Him.
But like a mega flood, He’s gonna straight up wipe out that place. Darkness gonna catch up to His enemies.
Like, seriously? What you even think you’re doing against the LORD? He’s gonna wipe you out for real, and trust, there won’t be more trouble after that. It’s a wrap—ain’t happening again, no way.
When they get all close and clingy like thorns, and party hard like they’re wasted, they’re gonna get wrecked like dry grass.
Yo, there’s this person straight up schemin’ against the LORD, like a wicked advisor. We’re talking next-level wickedness, like a counselor for the dark side. Smh.
God says: Even if they seem calm and deep in numbers, they’ll be taken down when He shows up. Though I’ve let you suffer, I won’t let it happen again.
I’m gonna totally set you free from that heavy load and smash your chains into pieces.
Yo, the Lord just dropped a command about you—stop flaunting your name. I’m about to wreck all those idols you worship, whether they’re statues or made of metal. I’ll make sure you end up in disgrace because you’re fake and foul.
Yo, check out the messenger spreading good vibes from the mountain! He’s all about peace, man! Judah, keep celebrating those key festivals and stay true to your word. ‘Cause listen up, the wicked ones won’t hassle you anymore… they’re history, bro!

Nahum 2

Yo, brace yourselves ’cause a major troublemaker’s about to pop up right in front of you. Get ready to boss up and fortify like a champ. Protect your turf, stay woke, and make sure you’re totally geared up to unleash your strength. This dude ain’t playing around, so bring your A-game!
‘Cause the Most High has dimmed Jacob’s shine, just like how Israel’s glory faded. Their oppressors sucked ’em dry and wrecked their vineyards.
The elite squad’s shields are drenched in crimson, the fearless ones sportin’ scarlet threads. Their rides gonna be blazing with fiery torches on the big day, and the whole forest gonna shake like crazy.
The chariots will go crazy in the streets, crashing into each other on the main roads. They’ll be like blazing torches and zoom like lightning bolts.
He’ll assemble his crew: they’ll stumble while walking; they’ll sprint towards the wall, geared up for protection.
The rivers will burst their banks, and the swanky palace will totally melt away.
And Huzzab will be taken captive, she’ll be lifted up, and her maidens will comfort her with soft voices, beating their chests like doves.
So, Nineveh used to be all peaceful, like a calm pool of water. But now, things are about to get real, and everyone’s gonna bounce. They’ll cry out ‘stay, stay!’ but ain’t nobody gonna look back or turn around.
Yo, grab that silver and gold stash, ’cause there’s a steady flow of dope treasures to flex. We’re talkin’ slick furniture and all those bougie items you’ve been eyein’. No lie, time to stack up and secure that treasure!
She’s totally deserted and worthless, making everyone’s hearts melt and their knees tremble, causing pain throughout their bodies and their faces to grow pale.
Yo, where do them lions kick it and chill, you feel me? Where do the young lions snatch their snacks, and where did the big boss lion and its cub stroll without anyone messing with them?
The lion has ravaged enough for his cubs, strangled prey for his lionesses, filled his caves with prey, and his dens with torn flesh.
Yo, listen up, fam! The Most High, the LORD of everything, is coming at you. He’s gonna light up those chariots, and the sword will devour your mighty warriors. Your loot will be plundered, and your messengers won’t be heard from again, you get me?

Nahum 3

Yo, this city is straight-up messed, fam! It’s full of lies and theft, with people always hustlin’ each other. It’s chaotic and violent, like a city drenched in blood, you feel me?
Picture this: whips crackin’, wheels clatterin’, horses struttin’ their stuff, and chariots bouncin’ all over.
The horseman is flexin’ with a sick sword and a shiny spear. And dang, dead bodies and corpses everywhere, stacked up like there’s no end. The sword’s like fiery flames and the spear’s like freakin’ lightning, yo.
This influencer, who’s all about promiscuity and witchcraft, has sold out nations through her promiscuity and families through her witchcraft.
Listen up, yo! The Almighty’s calling you out. He’s gonna uncover all your shady stuff for everyone to see. Your secrets will be out there, and everyone will know about your disgraceful deeds.
And He’s gonna air out all your dirty laundry, exposing you to some serious shame, making you look nasty and having everyone stare at you like you’re a complete joke.
And it’s gonna be like, everyone who sees you will be shook and say, “Nineveh is straight-up wrecked! Who’s gonna feel sorry for her? Where can I find someone to comfort her?”
You think you’re better than No, that city by the rivers, surrounded by water with the sea as its fortress? No way, Amon was pretty dope.
Ethiopia and Egypt were straight up strong and unstoppable; Put and the Libyans had your back, providing serious backup.
But she was taken away and captured, like, totally dragged into captivity. And to make it worse, her kids were brutally wrecked in plain sight of the city. They even rolled dice to decide what to do with the important people in her crew, and all her VIPs ended up in chains.
You’re gonna get wrecked, like, totally wiped out. And you’ll have to go low-key, like disappear completely. Plus, you’ll need some serious inner strength to handle those haters, you feel? They’re your enemies.
All your strongholds will be like ripe fig trees: if they get shaken, they’ll fall straight into the mouth of the muncher.
Yo, check it out! Your squad? They’re weak, like total rookies. Your defenses? They’re gonna be non-existent, bro. The enemy’s gonna stroll right in, no sweat. And those defenses? They’re gonna get torched. Tough break, man.
Get ready for battle, shore up your defenses: mix up the mud and stomp on the mortar, strengthen the brickwork.
You’re gonna get burned by fire, sliced up by the sword, and totally wrecked like a nasty pest! Multiply like pests, swarm like locusts.
You’ve totally beefed up your team of merchants, like, way more than you can even keep track of! But here’s the deal… there’s this troublemaker called the cankerworm who loves wrecking things and then vanishing. Super annoying, right?!
Your squad’s swarming like locusts, and your leaders are like boss grasshoppers, chilling in the hedges when it’s cold. But when the sun comes up, they bounce outta there, leaving no trace.
Yo, King of Assyria, your leaders are seriously slacking. Your nobles are gonna end up in the dust, and your people are scattered all over the mountains with no one bothering to bring them back. Straight up truth.
No lie, your injury won’t heal; your wound is seriously deep. Everyone who hears about you will be reacting big time, ’cause who hasn’t been affected by your evil? It’s been a constant issue.