Matthew - Gen Z Bible

Matthew 1

So, listen up fam, it all starts with Jesus Christ, the homie who’s got that lineage traceable back to David and Abraham, ya know?
Abraham was like the OG dad to Isaac, who then passed on the torch to Jacob, and Jacob was the proud pops of Judas and his crew.
Judas had kids Phares and Zara with Thamar. Then Phares had Esrom, who had Aram.
And Aram had a son named Aminadab; and Aminadab had a son named Naasson; and Naasson had a son named Salmon;
And Salmon had a son named Booz with Rachab; and Booz had a son named Obed with Ruth; and Obed had a son named Jesse;
So, Jesse was like, the OG dad of King David, and King David was like, the pops of Solomon. And FYI, Solomon’s mom was Urias’ wife, just sayin’.
Solomon had a son named Roboam, who then had Abia, who became the father of Asa.
And Asa had a kid named Josaphat; and Josaphat had a kid named Joram; and Joram had a kid named Ozias;
And Ozias had a kid named Joatham; and Joatham had a kid named Achaz; and Achaz had a kid named Ezekias;
Ezekias had a son named Manasses, who then had a son named Amon, and Amon became the father of Josias.
Josias became the dad of Jechonias and his bros right around the time they got taken to Babylon. (Some people say, Josias became the dad of Jakim, and Jakim became the dad of Jechonias.)
And once they got taken to Babylon, Jechonias had a child named Salathiel; and Salathiel had a child named Zorobabel;
And Zorobabel had a son named Abiud, who then had a son named Eliakim, who in turn had a son named Azor;
And Azor had a kid named Sadoc; then Sadoc had a kid named Achim; and Achim had a kid named Eliud;
And Eliud was like the OG, he had a son named Eleazar; Eleazar was all about that generational flow and he had a son named Matthan; Matthan was the real deal and he became a proud father to Jacob;
So, like, Jacob was the dad of Joseph who was totally married to Mary, and they had a kid named Jesus, who everyone calls Christ.
So like, from Abraham to David, there were exactly fourteen generations. And from David until the whole Babylon exile thing, also fourteen generations. And then, from the exile until Christ, guess what? Yep, fourteen more generations!
So, here’s how it went down when Jesus Christ was born: Mary, Jesus’ mom, was engaged to Joseph, but before they actually got hitched, she ended up preggers thanks to the Holy Ghost.
So, like, Joseph, her husband, he was a really righteous guy and didn’t want to embarrass her publicly or anything, so he thought about just splitting quietly.
Yo, so Joseph was deep in thought when the angel of the Lord popped up in his dream. The angel was like, Joseph, bro, chill out. Go ahead and marry Mary, she’s legit. The baby she’s carrying is from the Holy Ghost, no doubt.’
And she’s gonna have a baby boy, and you gotta name him JESUS: ’cause he’s gonna save his peeps from all their mess-ups.
So basically, everything that went down was just to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet, like he predicted, you know?
Yo, check it out! This cool virgin is gonna have a baby boy and they gonna name him Emmanuel, which means God is kickin’ it with us. And by the way, people gonna be callin’ him that.
So, like, Joseph woke up from his nap and was all like, ‘Okay, I got this.’ And he did what the angel of the Lord told him to do, and he married his wife and stuff.
And he didn’t hook up with her until after she gave birth to her first kid, and he named him JESUS.

Matthew 2

So, Jesus was, like, totally born in Bethlehem, you know, in Judaea when Herod was the king. And guess what? There were these really wise dudes who came from the east all the way to Jerusalem, like, whoa!
Yo, like, where’s the dude who’s supposed to be the King of the Jews? ‘Cause we totally spotted his star in the east and rolled through here to pay our respects.
When Herod the king found out what was up, he got super stressed, and everyone in Jerusalem felt the same.
So, like, this dude gathered all the top religious peeps and asked them, ‘Yo, where exactly is the birthplace of the Messiah gonna be?’
And they were like, ‘Dude, it’s in Bethlehem of Judaea. The prophet totally wrote it down.’
Yo, Bethlehem, in the land of Juda, you may not be the most popular place among the bigshots, but don’t sleep on it: a straight-up boss is gonna come outta there, one who’s gonna lead and take care of my people, Israel. (And by ‘rule,’ I mean ‘feed,’ y’know?)
So Herod, like low-key secretly called the dudes who were wise, and was all like, ‘Yo, when exactly did you see that epic star shining in the sky?’
So he told them to head to Bethlehem and be all like, go on an intense search for the little kid. And once you find him, hit me up and let me know, so I can roll through and pay my respects to him too.
After listening to the king, they bounced; and whoa, the star they spotted in the east led them ahead until it reached and hovered right over the spot where the little kid was.
When they spotted the star, they were stoked and filled with hardcore happiness.
So when they went inside the house and saw the baby with his mom Mary, they were totally amazed and showed their respect by bowing down to worship him. Then, they opened their awesome presents and gave him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Woah, what a gift!
So, like, God totally warned them in a dream not to go back to Herod. And guess what? They listened and took a different route back to their own country. Cool, right?
So, after they left, dude, check it, the angel of the Lord shows up in Joseph’s dream and goes like, ‘Yo, get up, grab the baby and his mom, and run off to Egypt, and stay there until I give you the signal. ‘Cause Herod is gonna try to search for the little one and harm him.’
So, like, when he woke up, he totally grabbed the young child and his mom in the middle of the night and peaced out to Egypt:
And stayed there until Herod died, so that what the Lord had spoken through the prophet would come true: ‘I have called my son out of Egypt.’
And just like Jeremy, the prophet said, it all came true, he said,
Bro, in Rama there was hella crying and mourning, like Rachel was sobbing for her kids and couldn’t find no comfort, cuz they ain’t here no more.
But like, right after Herod was like, dead and stuff, yo, this angel of the Lord popped up in Joe’s dream while he was chillin’ in Egypt,
So, like, they were all, ‘Dude, get up and grab the baby and his mom, and head over to Israel, you know? ‘Cause those peeps who wanted to kill the baby are totally dead now.
So, he got up, grabbed the little kiddo and his mom, and headed back to Israel.
But when he found out that Archelaus was in charge in Judea instead of his dad, Herod, he got totally freaked out and didn’t wanna go there. But then, God hit him up in a dream and told him to head over to Galilee instead. So that’s what he did, you know?
And he moved to this city called Nazareth, just like the prophets said he would, and that’s why people started calling him a Nazarene.

Matthew 3

Way back when, John the Baptist popped up in the desert of Judaea with some deep teachings.
And, yo, pay attention! You gotta switch up your vibe, ’cause the kingdom of heaven is like, right there, you know?
Yo, this is the guy Isaiah was talking about: The voice shouting in the middle of nowhere, telling you to get ready for the Lord and smooth out his path.
Yo, this guy John was rocking a sick camel hair outfit, with a dope leather belt around his waist. And get this, his diet was straight-up locusts and wild honey—pretty out there, but hey, you do you, John!
So, like, Jerusalem, all of Judaea, and even the whole area around Jordan were vibing with him, you know?
And they were getting baptized by him in the Jordan River, owning up to their mistakes.
But yo, when he spotted some Pharisees and Sadducees showing up at his baptism, he straight up called them out, like, ‘Yo, you sneaky snakes, who said you could bail on the incoming heat?’
So, like, make sure you show some legit good behavior to prove you’re genuinely sorry and leveling up, you know?
And don’t even think about flexing, saying to yourselves, ‘We’re Abraham’s descendants, so we’re all good.’ Let me tell you, God can easily make new descendants of Abraham from literal rocks if He wanted to.
Yo, listen up! It’s about to get real. Picture this: The axe is ready to chop at the roots of the trees. So, any tree that doesn’t produce good fruit? It’s getting chopped and tossed into the fire, no second chances.
I’m all about that water baptism for repentance, but the real deal is coming up soon. The guy coming after me? Yeah, he’s way more powerful than me. I mean, I ain’t even fit to carry his kicks, man. This guy is gonna hook you up with a baptism that’s next level – we’re talking about getting baptized with the Holy Ghost, and let me tell you, even with fire! It’s gonna be lit!
He’s got a fan in his hand, and he’s gonna clean up his place real good, sorting out the good stuff and throwing away the trash. The good stuff gets saved, but the trash? It’s gonna get burned up, no escape.
So Jesus rolls up from Galilee to the Jordan to link up with John and get baptized by him.
But John was like, ‘Nah bro, I should be the one getting baptized by you. Why you coming to me?’
Jesus replied, ‘Just go with the flow for now, bro. It’s like, necessary for us to do the right thing and complete all righteousness. So, he allowed it.’
And Jesus, after getting baptized, totally emerged from the water like a boss. And, guess what, the sky opened up for him and he saw the Spirit of God coming down like a chill dove, landing right on him with style:
And yo, a voice straight from the heavens, like, totally said, ‘This is my ultimate favorite Son, like, seriously, I’m super stoked about him and stuff.’

Matthew 4

Way back when, John the Baptist popped up in the desert of Judaea with some deep teachings.
And, yo, pay attention! You gotta switch up your vibe, ’cause the kingdom of heaven is like, right there, you know?
Yo, this is the guy Isaiah was talking about: The voice shouting in the middle of nowhere, telling you to get ready for the Lord and smooth out his path.
Yo, this guy John was rocking a sick camel hair outfit, with a dope leather belt around his waist. And get this, his diet was straight-up locusts and wild honey—pretty out there, but hey, you do you, John!
So, like, Jerusalem, all of Judaea, and even the whole area around Jordan were vibing with him, you know?
And they were getting baptized by him in the Jordan River, owning up to their mistakes.
But yo, when he spotted some Pharisees and Sadducees showing up at his baptism, he straight up called them out, like, ‘Yo, you sneaky snakes, who said you could bail on the incoming heat?’
So, like, make sure you show some legit good behavior to prove you’re genuinely sorry and leveling up, you know?
And don’t even think about flexing, saying to yourselves, ‘We’re Abraham’s descendants, so we’re all good.’ Let me tell you, God can easily make new descendants of Abraham from literal rocks if He wanted to.
Yo, listen up! It’s about to get real. Picture this: The axe is ready to chop at the roots of the trees. So, any tree that doesn’t produce good fruit? It’s getting chopped and tossed into the fire, no second chances.
I’m all about that water baptism for repentance, but the real deal is coming up soon. The guy coming after me? Yeah, he’s way more powerful than me. I mean, I ain’t even fit to carry his kicks, man. This guy is gonna hook you up with a baptism that’s next level – we’re talking about getting baptized with the Holy Ghost, and let me tell you, even with fire! It’s gonna be lit!
He’s got a fan in his hand, and he’s gonna clean up his place real good, sorting out the good stuff and throwing away the trash. The good stuff gets saved, but the trash? It’s gonna get burned up, no escape.
So Jesus rolls up from Galilee to the Jordan to link up with John and get baptized by him.
But John was like, ‘Nah bro, I should be the one getting baptized by you. Why you coming to me?’
Jesus replied, ‘Just go with the flow for now, bro. It’s like, necessary for us to do the right thing and complete all righteousness. So, he allowed it.’
And Jesus, after getting baptized, totally emerged from the water like a boss. And, guess what, the sky opened up for him and he saw the Spirit of God coming down like a chill dove, landing right on him with style:
And yo, a voice straight from the heavens, like, totally said, ‘This is my ultimate favorite Son, like, seriously, I’m super stoked about him and stuff.’

Matthew 5

So, like, Jesus peeped a crowd and was like, ‘Time to vibe.’ He bounced to this chill mountain, his crew in tow, and they were all, ‘Hey Jesus, what’s the sitch?’
Then he laid down some truth, saying,
Blessed are those who keep it humble, ’cause they’re VIPs in the heavenly scene.
Feeling low? Don’t trip, ’cause good vibes are coming your way. You’ll find some real solace in life’s game.
Blessed are the chill ones, ’cause they’re gonna rule the world.
Digging justice and righteousness? You’re in luck, ’cause that’s where true fulfillment lies.
Kindness? That’s the real deal. Spread it, and you’ll be swimming in blessings.
Keep it real, keep it genuine. No hidden agendas, no bad vibes. That’s the key to experiencing the divine.
Peacemakers? Absolute legends. They’re reppin’ God’s squad.
Props to those who catch flak for doing what’s right. They’re royalty up in heaven.
When people hate on you for backing me up, hold your head high. They’re just talking smack, but it’s all good.
Listen up! Be hyped, ’cause your heavenly reward is gonna be lit. Remember, prophets had it rough too. You’re in good company.
You’re the seasoning of the earth. But if you lose your flavor, what’s the point? Don’t be stale; keep it spicy.
You’re like the influencers of the world. A city on a hill, shining bright for all to see.
Don’t hide your light under a boring old container. Nah, let it shine, bright and bold, for everyone to see.
Shine your light, fam. Let your good deeds speak volumes, giving props to your heavenly Dad.
Ain’t about breaking the rules or dissing the OG spiritual leaders. I’m here to bring it all together, to make it meaningful.
Heaven and earth ain’t going out of style before every rule in the book is checked off. It’s gotta happen.
So, even the smallest commandment matters. Don’t brush it off. Those who honor and spread the good word? They’re the real MVPs.
Your righteousness gotta level up, surpassing even the holiest of holies. No cap, it’s gotta be on point.
You’ve heard it said, ‘Don’t take a life,’ right?
But listen, if you’re beefing with your bro, watch out. Calling someone a nobody? That’s flirting with fire.
Before you come at me all spiritual, make things right with your bro. Then come back and do your thing.
Sort out your issues, fam. Don’t let them simmer. Squash the beef while you’re still cool.
Don’t let your issues escalate. Handle them before it’s too late and you end up in some real trouble.
Straight up, sort your stuff out before it escalates. You gotta pay your dues.
Alright, y’all know the old saying, ‘Don’t cheat.’
But listen, lusting after someone? That’s already crossing the line, fam.
If something online bugs you, block it. Better to lose a follower than let negativity consume you. #SelfCare
If something’s causing you trouble, get rid of it. Better to lose a part of yourself than lose it all in the end.
You’ve heard it said, ‘Give your wife a paper to bounce,’ right?
But if you split for any reason besides cheating, you’re setting them up for failure. Same goes for marrying a divorcee.
Keep your promises, fam. Stay true to your word.
No swearing, not even by heaven. That’s God’s turf.
Not even earth or Jerusalem. They’re cool, but they’re not yours to swear by.
Don’t be making promises you can’t keep. Keep it real with your words.
Just be honest, no need for extra fluff.
You know the old saying, ‘Eye for an eye,’ right?
Keep your cool, even when they throw shade. Turn the other cheek, rise above the drama.
If someone wants your jacket, throw it in with the deal.
If they ask for a mile, give ’em two.
Be generous, always willing to lend a hand.
You’ve heard, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy,’ right?
But love your haters, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who treat you like trash.
Be like your heavenly Dad, who shows love to everyone, regardless.
Loving those who love you back? Basic. Even tax collectors do that.
Saying hi to your squad? Standard. Even the basic ones do that.
Strive for perfection, just like your heavenly Father. No pressure, right?

Matthew 6

Ayo, peep this, don’t be flaunting your good deeds just to flex on everyone. That’s not gonna get you any love from the Big Man upstairs. Keep it lowkey, fam.
So, like, when you do good stuff, don’t be out here making a spectacle, trying to get all the clout. For real, those fakes who do that, whether it’s in the church or on the block, they’re just playing themselves. Trust, they got what they wanted – their moment in the spotlight. Don’t be like that.
But when you’re helping out, don’t be all about that brag life:
So, like, when you do something good, keep it on the down-low. Don’t be broadcasting it to the world, you feel? ‘Cause when you keep it real and do it on the low, your heavenly homie sees everything and he’ll shout you out big time!
And when you pray, don’t be pulling a fake move like those hypocrites who love showing off their prayers in public just to look holy. I’m telling you, they already got all the clout they wanted.
But, like, when you wanna pray, just vibe in your own space, shut the door, and talk to your Heavenly Father one-on-one. He sees what’s up in private, and He’s gonna bless you openly for it.
When you pray, don’t be spitting out empty phrases like the non-believers, thinking that quantity equals quality.
So, like, don’t even trip trying to be like those folks, ’cause your Dad already knows what’s up even before you speak, you dig?
So, like, when you pray, it’s all about showing respect, you know?
May your kingdom come, and your will be done here on earth, just like it is in heaven.
Give us our daily bread, every single day.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
Don’t let us get caught up in temptation, but protect us from the bad vibes. ‘Cause you’re the real deal, forever and ever. Amen.
If you show mercy and forgive others when they mess up, the big guy upstairs will do the same for you:
But, like, if you can’t let go of other people’s mistakes, then don’t expect your Dad to let yours slide. #forgivenessiskey
When you fast, don’t be acting all gloomy just for show. Trust me, those folks are just craving attention, and that’s all they’ll get.
But, like, when you’re fasting, just take care of yourself and stay fresh, you know? Clean up and keep it real.
So, like, don’t front when you fast, you feel? Do it for your Heavenly Father, He sees what’s real even when no one else does. And believe, He’s gonna hook you up big time.
Don’t stack up your riches here on earth, ’cause all that material stuff fades away and can get swiped:
Stack up your blessings in heaven, where no earthly troubles can touch ’em, and no haters can steal ’em:
Your heart’s where your real treasure’s at, fam.
Your vision sets the vibe for your whole being. So, if your focus is on point, you’re radiating positivity and light.
But, like, if your vision’s all messed up, your whole vibe’s gonna be dark. If the light inside you is actually darkness, man, that’s heavy!
You can’t ride for two bosses at once: you’ll end up favoring one and dissing the other. You can’t serve God and chase that earthly clout at the same time.
So, listen up! Don’t stress about your life, like worrying about what to eat or wear. Life’s about way more than just material stuff, you know?
Check out the birds: they don’t hustle or stockpile, but your heavenly Dad looks out for ’em. Aren’t you worth way more?
Like, seriously, who can add a single inch to their height by stressing?
Why you trippin’ about clothes? Check those flowers in the field, they just chill and look fly, no worries.
But, for real though, even Solomon, with all his riches and style, couldn’t touch the vibe of those flowers, man.
If God takes care of the grass that’s here today, gone tomorrow, then he’s definitely got your back, fam. No need to stress, just trust a little more!
So, don’t trip about what to eat or wear, aight?
(Because, like, that’s what non-believers are all about, chasing that stuff.) But chill, ’cause your heavenly Father knows you need it all, for real.
Yo, focus on God’s hustle and doing right, and trust, all the blessings will come your way. No doubt.
So, don’t stress about tomorrow, it’s got its own issues. Deal with today, ya feel?

Matthew 7

Don’t throw shade, and you won’t catch any.
The vibe you put out will bounce right back, and the energy you give is what you’ll receive.
Why you hyping up your homie’s minor hiccup when you’re ignoring your own major issues?
Or how you gonna be all like, “Hey, let me fix that tiny glitch for you,” when you’re dealing with a huge glitch yourself?
Look, before you start calling out others, check yourself and sort out your own stuff first. Once you’re good, then you can help your homie with their smaller issues, no cap.
Don’t waste your blessings on those who don’t appreciate them, or share your gems with those who won’t value them. They’ll just toss them aside and bring you down.
Speak it into existence, set out on your journey and stumble upon it, give a little knock and watch doors swing wide open:
Whoever asks, receives, whoever seeks, finds, and whoever knocks, the door’s wide open.
Seriously, if your kid asks for bread, you’re not gonna hand them a rock, right?
If they’re asking for sushi, are you gonna give them a snake or what?
If you, imperfect as you are, can hook your kids up, imagine how much better your Heavenly Father can hook you up when you ask Him?
Treat others how you wanna be treated. It’s like the golden rule of vibes. This is what the OG law and prophets were all about, ya feel?
Make sure you’re on the right path ’cause the easy road leads to trouble, and too many choose it. #JustSaying #ChooseWisely
The gate’s narrow and the path’s tough, but only a few find it. Real talk.
Watch out for fake vibes, they look harmless but inside, they’re wolves.
You can judge people by what they bring to the table. You wouldn’t expect grapes from thorns, right?
Every lit tree brings lit fruits, but a messed up tree brings trash fruits.
A good tree can’t bring bad vibes, and a shady tree can’t bring good vibes.
If a tree’s trash, it gets tossed into the fire.
You can tell what someone’s about by their results. No cap.
It’s not just about saying “Hey, Jesus” – you gotta walk the walk.
On that day, some will be like, “Jesus, didn’t we vibe in your name? Didn’t we do cool stuff?”
And I’ll be like, “I don’t know you, fam. You’re moving shady.”
Anyone who listens and acts is like a smart builder.
Rain came, winds blew, but the house stood strong on solid ground.
But if you hear and don’t act, you’re building on sand.
Rain came, floods rolled, and that house came crashing down.
After Jesus dropped these truths, people were shook by his vibes.
He was real, speaking with authority, not like those trying too hard.

Matthew 8

So, like, after Jesus came down from the mountain, this huge crew started following him. It was lit, you know?
Yo, peep this, there was this dude with leprosy who came up to Jesus and showed him mad respect, like, “Lord, if you’re down, you can totally heal me and make me clean.”
Then Jesus was like, “I got your back, bro. Be free from this sickness.” And BOOM! Right then, his leprosy disappeared.
Jesus was like, “Keep this on the down-low, but bounce and go show yourself to the priest, and follow the Moses rules as proof.”
So, Jesus rolls into Capernaum, right? And then, out of the blue, this centurion dude shows up asking for a favor.
And the centurion was like, “Yo Lord, my servant is stuck at home with this awful sickness called palsy, and it’s seriously messing him up.”
And Jesus was like, “Chill, I got you. I’ll come through and fix it up real nice.”
The centurion was like, “I’m not even worthy for you to come to my place, but just say the word and my homie will be healed.”
“I’m a boss, man. I give orders and they’re done, no questions asked.”
When Jesus heard that, he was hella impressed and told his squad, “Seriously, guys, this centurion’s faith is off the charts, even better than the peeps in Israel.”
Listen up, fam! I gotta tell you something dope. There’s gonna be a ton of peeps rolling up from all over, east and west, to kick it with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in heaven. Can I get an amen?!
But those who should be in heaven will be stuck in a dark place, crying and grinding their teeth.
Jesus was like, “Do your thing, centurion, and as you believe, it’s done.” Boom, his servant was healed then and there.
When Jesus went to Peter’s house, he saw his mother-in-law sick with a fever, lying down.
Then he touched her hand, and the fever bounced. She got up and started helping out.
When night came, a bunch of people brought their friends possessed by evil spirits to Jesus. And guess what? He kicked those spirits out just by speaking, and healed everyone sick!
So, like, this totally went down to fulfill what Isaiah said, you know? Jesus took on all our weaknesses and carried our sicknesses, that’s how it rolled.
So, Jesus saw the huge crowd and was like, “Guys, let’s bounce to the other side.”
So, there’s this scribe who was like, “Yo, Master, I’m totally down to roll with you anywhere.”
And Jesus was like, “Bro, foxes got their dens, birds got nests, but I ain’t even got a decent spot to crash. Tough times, you feel me?”
Then one of his followers was like, “Yo, let me bury my pops first.”
But Jesus was like, “Chill with me, and let the dead handle their own.”
And when he hopped on a boat, his squad came along.
Yo, check it out, a wild storm hit the sea, and the ship was getting swamped by waves. But Jesus was knocked out asleep.
His squad woke him up like, “Hey, Lord, we’re screwed! Save us! We’re gonna die.”
And he was like, “Why y’all so shook, you doubters?” Then he got up, told the wind and sea to chill, and everything was peaceful.
His squad was freaking out like, “Who is this guy? He’s literally controlling nature! Mind blown!”
So, Jesus crossed over to this place called Gergesenes, and suddenly two demon-possessed peeps rushed out from the graves. And let me tell you, they were wild, nobody could even go near them.
They were like shouting, “Jesus, Son of God, you here to mess us up before our time?”
And there’s this herd of pigs chilling nearby, doing their pig thing, you know.
So, the demons were like, “If you’re gonna kick us out, let us go chill with the pigs.”
And he was like, “Just bounce.” So they did, rolled up to the pigs, and the whole crew went nuts, running into the sea and drowning. Sad vibes.
So, the pig keepers split, went into the city, and spread the word about what went down with the demon-possessed dudes.
So, everyone in the city was like, “Dude, please leave our hood.”

Matthew 9

So, like, he hopped on a boat, sailed to the other side, and arrived in his hometown.
So, like, these people brought a guy who was like super sick and couldn’t move, lying on a bed. And when Jesus saw how strong their belief was, he was like, ‘Dude, don’t worry, cheer up! Your mistakes are totally forgiven!’
So, like, some of those scribes were all like, ‘OMG, this guy is totally disrespecting, you know? Like, he’s saying some really bad stuff.’
And Jesus, like, totally knew what they were thinking, and he’s like, ‘Why are you guys thinking such negative stuff in your hearts?’
Like, seriously, which is easier? Saying ‘Dude, your sins are forgiven’ or saying ‘Yo, get up and start walking’?
Just so you know, the Son of Man has the power to forgive sins here on earth. And then he said to the person who couldn’t move because of a sickness, ‘Get up, pick up your bedding, and head back to your home.’
And he bounced, and headed home.
But when the crowds saw it, they were shook and praised God, who gave such mad power to humans.
So, like, Jesus was walking and he spotted this dude called Matthew sitting at his job as a tax collector. And Jesus goes up to him and be like ‘Yo, come with me.’ And you know what? Matthew actually gets up and starts following him, just like that.
So, Jesus was chillin’ at a food joint, and guess what? A bunch of tax collectors and sinners came and joined him and his crew for a meal.
And when the Pharisees peeped that, they were like yo, disciples, why is your Master grubbin’ with tax collectors and sinners?
But yo, when Jesus heard that, he straight up said to them, ‘Those who are all good don’t need a doctor, it’s only those who are sick that need one.’
But like, seriously, go and educate yourselves on what this actually means, okay? It’s all about showing kindness and compassion rather than just focusing on religious rituals and sacrifices. Just so you know, I didn’t come here to hang out with the perfect and blameless people, but to help those who have messed up to turn their lives around.
So, like, the followers of John approached Jesus, and they were all like, ‘Yo, why is it that we and the Pharisees are always fasting, but your crew never fasts?’
Yo, Jesus was like, can the homies at the wedding party be sad while the groom is still there? Nah, but like, there will be a time when the groom is gone, and that’s when they gonna fast.
Nobody tries to patch up an old piece of clothing with a fresh new cloth, because the patch will ruin the fabric even more. Trust, it’s not a good move, my friend.
You wouldn’t pour new juice into old containers, ’cause they’ll burst and the juice will spill, and the containers will go kaput. Instead, pour new juice into new containers, and both will stay fresh.
So, like, while Jesus was talking to them, this important guy shows up and bows down to him, like, saying, ‘Yo, my daughter just died, but if you touch her, she’ll totally come back to life.’
Then Jesus got up and started following him, and his squad of disciples did the same.
Yo, listen up! So, there was this woman who had been dealing with this blood issue for, like, twelve whole years, right? And what does she do? She sneaks up from behind Jesus and just touches the edge of his outfit, man!
Because she thought to herself, ‘If I just touch his clothes, I’ll be totally healed.’
But then Jesus turned around and when he glanced at her, he said, ‘Hey, girl, chill out! Your belief in me is what made you all better.’ And just like that, the woman got healed instantly.
And when Jesus rolled up to the ruler’s crib, and peeped the crowd wildin’ out with the musicians and all that,
He was like, ‘Yo, move aside ’cause the girl ain’t actually dead, she’s just taking a nap.’ And they all straight up laughed at him, like mocking and all.
But once everyone left the room, he walked in, held her hand, and the girl got up.
And everyone in the whole land was all like totally talking about it. #ICONIC
So, Jesus was leaving that place, right? And then, these two blind dudes started following him, straight up crying out like, ‘Hey, Son of David, please have mercy on us!’
So, when Jesus entered the house, the blind dudes approached him. Jesus asked them, ‘Do you trust that I have the power to make this happen?’ And they replied, ‘Totally, dude! You’re the boss!’
He like, booped their eyes and was like, yo, whatever you believe is what’s gonna happen.
And like, their eyes were legit opened, and Jesus was super serious when he told them, like, make sure no one finds out about this, ya know?
But dude, once they left, they totally went and spread the word about him all over that whole area.
Yo, as they were leaving, check it out, they brought this dude to him who couldn’t speak, but was straight up possessed by a demon.
And like, when the devil got yeeted out, the mute started speaking: and everyone was shooketh, like saying, bruh, we’ve never seen anything like this in Israel before.
But like, the Pharisees were like, ‘He’s, like, exorcising demons using the leader of the demons, dude.’
So Jesus was going around to all the cities and villages, teaching at their synagogues, and spreading the good news of the kingdom, while also healing all kinds of sicknesses and diseases among the people.
But when he peeped all the people, he felt mad compassion for them because they were straight up exhausted and lost, like sheep without a leader.
Yo, he’s like, ‘Listen up, fam. The harvest game is strong, no cap, but we’re seriously low on squad members putting in the work.’
So, like, make sure you hit up God and ask Him to send some homies to help out with His work, you know, spreading the good vibes and stuff.

Matthew 10

So, like, Jesus had his twelve homies rollin’ with him, and he hooked them up with some insane superpowers to crush all those evil vibes, heal all sorts of sickness, and cure all kinds of diseases. It was, like, epic vibes, fam!
So, here are the names of the twelve apostles: First up, there’s Simon, aka Peter, and his bro Andrew; then, there’s James, Zebedee’s son, and his bro John.
Yo, we got Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew the tax collector, James, aka Alphaeus’ son, and Lebbaeus, who was also known as Thaddaeus.
Simon, the Canaanite, and Judas Iscariot, who totally betrayed him.
So Jesus sent out these twelve and was like, ‘Yo, don’t hit up any non-Jewish areas, and skip the Samaritan towns too:’
Instead, go find the lost crew from the house of Israel, you know?
As you bounce, spread the word, like, saying, “The kingdom of heaven is where it’s at.”
Help out the sick, kick out diseases, bring life back to the dead, and boot out those evil spirits: all the dope stuff you’ve been blessed with, pass it on without expecting anything back.
Forget about cash, whether it’s gold, silver, or even bronze in your wallets,
Don’t sweat packing a bag, no need for extra clothes, shoes, or even a walking stick. Just remember, the one doing the work deserves to be taken care of.
When you hit up a new spot, peep who’s chill there, and crash with them until you’re ready to bounce.
And when you step into a crib, give it a shout out.
And if the vibe is solid, spread your good vibes on it: but if it’s wack, take your peace back, dude.
If anyone doesn’t vibe with you or ignores what you gotta say, just shake off the dust from your kicks when you dip from that spot.
Seriously, I’m telling you, it’s gonna be way easier for Sodom and Gomorrha on judgment day than for that town.
Listen up! I’m sending you out like sheep among wolves. So, you gotta be wise like snakes, but stay chill like doves.
Just a heads up, peeps: watch out for others, ’cause some might hand you over to the authorities and give you a hard time in their spots.
And you might even have to face governors and kings because of me, to show them and the non-believers what’s up.
But when they hand you over, don’t trip about what to say or how to say it: ’cause in that very moment, you’ll be given exactly what to say.
Dude, when you’re talking, it’s not really you speaking – it’s the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Like, that divine power is dropping words through you, bro.
And one homie will betray another, and even parents will turn on their own kids, leading to their downfall.
And people gonna hate on you just because of my name, but if you ride it out till the end, you’ll be saved, fam.
But if they start giving you a hard time in one town, peace out and find another one, ’cause let me tell you something, you won’t even hit up all the cities in Israel before the Son of Man shows up.
Bro, the student shouldn’t think they’re better than their teacher, and the worker shouldn’t act all high and mighty compared to their boss.
A follower gotta be like their leader, and a servant gotta be like their master. If people call the master of the house Beelzebub, they gonna call the people in his crew even worse, yo!
So, like, don’t trip about them, okay? ‘Cause, seriously, nothing stays hidden forever. Eventually, everything that’s been covered up will come to light, and anything that’s been hidden will be out there for all to see. Just keep that in mind, fam.
Spread the word about what I tell you privately, openly and boldly; and announce what you hear privately, make it known to all.
Don’t worry about those who can only end your physical life, but can’t touch your soul. Instead, show respect to the one who has the power to wipe out both body and soul in the depths of hell.
Yo, have you ever peeped that two sparrows are sold for practically nothing? And even when one of those lil’ birds hits the ground, you bet God’s always got His eye on it. (Just so you know, a ‘farthing’ back in the day was like a super tiny coin, worth way less than a penny).
But, like, even the tiniest hairs on your head are all counted, no cap.
Don’t stress, fam! You’re worth way more than a bunch of sparrows.
So, like, if anyone speaks up for me in front of others, I’ll totally speak up for them in front of my Dad up in heaven.
But if anyone disses me in front of others, I’ll diss them in front of my Father up in the skies.
Don’t think that I’ve come to bring peace to the world, ’cause I didn’t come to bring peace – I came to bring some serious vibes.
Yo, I’m here to bring some serious tension between a dude and his pops, a daughter and her mom, and a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law.
And a person’s haters will even come from their own fam squad.
If someone loves their parents more than they love me, they’re not really vibing with me. And if someone loves their kids more than they love me, they’re not really vibing with me either.
And if you’re not ready to carry your own struggles and walk the same path as me, then you’re not showing that you truly value our connection.
If you’re constantly searching for your own happiness, you’ll end up losing it. But if you’re willing to let go of your ego and prioritize my purpose, you’ll find true fulfillment in the end.
If someone vibes with you, they vibe with me, and if they vibe with me, they vibe with the one who sent me.
If you welcome a prophet because they’re a prophet, you’ll get the same blessings as a prophet. And if you welcome a righteous person for their righteousness, you’ll receive the same blessings as a righteous person.
And if anyone gives a cup of cold to one of these little ones, just because they’re down with the squad, I’m telling you, they’ll totally get blessed and never miss out on their rewards, fam.

Matthew 11

So, Jesus finished spilling truth to his squad of twelve, then bounced to their towns to drop some knowledge and spread the word.
Okay, so John’s stuck in jail, right? He catches wind of all the rad stuff Jesus is doing and he’s like, ‘Whoa, gotta check this out!’ So he sends two of his crew to scope it.
And they’re like, ‘Hey, are you the one we’ve been waiting for, or should we keep our eyes peeled for someone else?’
Jesus is like, ‘Hey, go tell John what’s up with all the dope things you’re seeing and hearing, cool?’
Check it—blind folks are seeing, lame folks are walking, lepers are getting clean, deaf folks are hearing, and yeah, even the dead are coming back to life! And yo, good news is getting dropped on the poor too.
Blessed are those who ain’t trippin’ over me.
So, as they split, Jesus starts talking to the crowd about John, saying, ‘What’d you go out in the desert to peep? Some flimsy reed swaying in the breeze?’
So, what were you hoping for? A dude in fancy threads? Let me tell you, folks who rock those outfits are kicking it in the king’s crib.
What were you expecting? A rad prophet? For sure! This one’s more than your average prophet.
This is the one they talked about, like, check it, I’m sending my messenger ahead to set everything up.
Seriously, listen up fam, nobody’s outshone John the Baptist among all those born of women. But even the least important person in the kingdom of heaven is way greater than him, no cap.
Since John showed up, the kingdom’s been facing some real chaos. It’s a hustle, and the ones pushing through, they’re grabbing hold of it, you feel me?
All the prophets and the law were pointing to stuff until John came along, you dig?
And if you’re vibin’ with it, this is Elias, the dude everyone’s been waiting for.
If you’re tuned in, then really listen up, my dudes.
Lemme break down this generation for you. It’s like when kids are posted at the mall, hollering for their crew like, ‘Yo, over here!’
And we’re like, we dropped the beats for you, but you didn’t bust a move; we shared our feelings, but you stayed ice cold.
John was all about fasting and staying away from food and drink, and folks had the nerve to say he was possessed.
But this Son of man was all about chillin’, grubbin’, and sippin’ the finest wine. And yeah, people called him a foodie and a wino, like he was tight with tax collectors and party animals. But yo, wisdom shows itself through its followers’ actions.
So, Jesus got kinda frustrated with the cities where he did the sickest miracles ’cause they didn’t even bother to change their ways, you know?
Oh snap, it’s not looking good for you, Chorazin! And Bethsaida, you’re in trouble too! ‘Cause if all those dope miracles went down around you in Tyre and Sidon instead, they would’ve straightened up ages ago, feeling all remorseful and humble.
But yo, peep this, I gotta drop some truth. When Judgment Day rolls around, it’s gonna be way easier for Tyre and Sidon than for y’all, believe it or not.
Yo, Capernaum! You were big-time, but listen up—things are about to get real rough. Like, straight up infernal. Just saying, if all those mind-blowing miracles that happened in your ‘hood went down in Sodom, that place would still be standing today, no doubt.
But listen up, fam, I gotta tell it like it is: when Judgment Day hits, the folks from Sodom will have an easier time compared to you. No cap.
Jesus was straight up grateful, man. He said, ‘Big ups to you, Father, the top boss of the heavens and earth, for keeping all this wisdom on the down-low from the know-it-alls and sharing it with the young ones.’
Like, yeah, Pops, that’s totally chill vibes.
My Father’s hooked me up with everything, and only He really knows me, just like I know Him. And it’s up to me to show the Father to whoever I choose.
Yo, come kick it with me, all you hustlers carrying heavy loads, I got your back—I’ll give you some serious chill time.
Yo, vibe with me and learn from me; ’cause I’m all chill and humble at heart: and you’ll find some peace for your souls.
Like, my vibe is easygoing and my load is totally light.

Matthew 12

So, Jesus was walking on the Sabbath, and his crew was feeling hungry, so they started grabbing some corn and snacking on it.
But yo, when the Pharisees peeped that, they were like, “Dude, check it out! Your crew be doin’ stuff that’s totally not cool on the Sabbath, yo!”
Yo, like, he was all, “Yo dudes, didn’t you read about what David did when he was super hungry and his crew was with him?”
So, like, he went into God’s crib and grabbed some of that holy bread to munch on. But, like, that bread was only for the priests, not for him and his crew.
Yo, haven’t you seen in the law how, like, on the Sabbath days the priests in the temple do their thing and it’s all good? No one’s blaming them or anything.
Yo, listen up! I’m telling you, right here, right now, there’s someone even more epic than the temple.
But if y’all actually knew what this meant, like having mercy instead of just going through the motions, you wouldn’t have unfairly judged the innocent ones.
Bruh, the Son of man straight up be the boss of the Sabbath day.
And after he left, he went straight to their synagogue:
So, there was this dude whose hand was all messed up. And they came to him and asked, like, “Yo, is it cool to heal people on the Sabbath?” ‘Cause they were totally trying to catch him doing something wrong.
And he was like, yo, imagine if one of y’all had a sheep, right? And then, on a chill Saturday, it falls into a pit. Would you not be, like, all over that, grabbing it and lifting it out?
Yo, like how much cooler is a person than a sheep? So, it’s totally legit to do good things on the Sabbath days, ya feel me?
Then he’s like to the guy, “Yo, extend your hand.” And the guy’s like, “Bet!” So he extends his hand and it’s all good, just like the other one.
So, like, the Pharisees were totally triggered and had a whole meeting about how they could cancel him. #savage
But when Jesus found out, he decided to dip out from there. And tons of people started following him, and he healed every single one of them.
And told them not to flex about him:
So it would come true, just like Esaias the prophet said,
Check out my chosen servant, he’s my absolute fave and totally has my stamp of approval. I’m gonna give him my spirit, and he’s gonna bring justice to all the non-believers out there.
He won’t be all about drama or making a scene; nobody’s gonna hear him yelling in public.
He won’t break anyone who’s already down and won’t put out the faintest of sparks until justice prevails.
And the non-Jews will totally put their trust in him, no cap.
So this person showed up, totally possessed and couldn’t see or speak. And guess what? Jesus totally fixed them up! Made ’em talk and see like it was no biggie.
Dude, everyone was so shook! They were like, “Isn’t this the son of David?”
But when the Pharisees heard that, they were like, “Yo, this dude ain’t casting out devils by his own power, he must be teaming up with Beelzebub, the main devil himself. By the way, Beelzebub also goes by Beelzebul.”
Jesus totally read their minds and was like, yo, check it: when a kingdom starts beefin’ with itself, it’s bound to straight-up implode. And like, if a city or house starts tearing itself apart, forget about it, it won’t even survive.
Dude, listen up! If Satan starts kicking out other Satans, he’s totally going against himself. How can his kingdom even stay intact, bro?
And, like, if I’m casting out demons and stuff with Beelzebub, then who are your kids casting them out with? So, like, they’re gonna be the judges for you, fam.
But like, if I flex on these demons using the God-given powers, bro, that’s when you should realize that the kingdom of God is straight up right in front of y’all.
Like, dude, imagine trying to break into a total badass’s house and swipe all his stuff without tying him up first. That’s like impossible! You gotta restrain the strong man first, and then you can totally raid his crib.
If you ain’t rollin’ with me, you straight up hatin’; and if you ain’t helpin’ me, you just spreadin’ chaos.
So, listen up, y’all! I gotta tell ya, all types of sin and blasphemy can be pardoned for peeps, no prob. But dissing the Holy Spirit? Sorry, guys, that’s a big no-no, can’t be forgiven.
And if anyone says something bad about the Son of Man, they can be forgiven for it. But if anyone says something bad about the Holy Ghost, it won’t be forgiven, not now, not ever.
Yo, here’s the deal: a tree can either be all good and bumper crop, or totally messed up and rotten. ‘Cause ya see, a tree’s reputation is based on its fruit, ya know?
Yo, you snakes! How can y’all, being so shady, talk all nice? ‘Cause whatever comes out of your mouth is just what’s already in your heart.
A decent person, from the good stuff in their heart, brings out good things, while a messed up person, from their messed up stuff in their heart, brings out messed up things.
But like, listen up, every single word that people casually let slip out of their mouths, they gotta answer for ’em on the judgment day, okay?
Like, your words can either prove you righteous or totally bring you down, ya know?
So, like, some of those scribes and Pharisees were all like, “Hey, teacher! Show us a cool sign, please!”
Yo, listen up! Jesus straight up told them, “Y’all are always lookin’ for some crazy sign, but I ain’t gonna give you one, ‘cept for the sign of Jonah, fam:
Like, remember when Jonah was, like, stuck inside a big fish for three whole days and nights? Well, it’s gonna be the same deal for the Son of man, but instead of a fish, He’ll be chilling in the heart of the earth for three days and nights, you know?
The guys from Nineveh are gonna come back and judge this generation, and they’re gonna drag it down because they actually changed their ways when Jonah started preaching. And guess what? Someone even more awesome than Jonah is right here.
The queen from way down south is gonna show up at the final judgment with you guys and totally call you out. She came all the way from the ends of the earth just to hear Solomon drop some knowledge, but guess what? Someone even more awesome than Solomon is chillin’ amongst you right now.
Once the evil spirit bounces out of someone, they go on a walk in empty spots, trying to chill out, but can’t find any peace.
And then he’s like, “I’m gonna go back to the crib where I started,” and when he gets there, he sees that it’s all empty, super clean, and perfectly decorated.
So, this dude goes and brings along seven even more messed up spirits than himself, and they all go in and set up shop there. And let me tell you, things go from bad to worse for that guy. And guess what? The same thing’s gonna happen to this messed up generation, too.
While he was still talking to the crowd, his mom and his homies were waiting outside, wanting to talk to him.
Yo, someone’s here looking for you. Your mom and your siblings are outside, and they want to have a chat with you.
But he like, totally responded to the person who told him, like, “Who even is my mom, and like, who are my friends, dude?”
Then he reached out his hand to his squad and was like, “Check it, these are my day ones, my fam!”
Anyone who does what my Dad in heaven wants is, like, my bro, sis, and mom.

Matthew 13

Right when Jesus bounced from the crib, he hit up the beach for some chill vibes.
Mad people gathered ’round to hang with him, so he hopped on a boat to get some space while they stayed on shore.
He started spitting stories, dropping knowledge like, ‘Yo, peep this: there was this dude planting seeds;
When he sowed those seeds, some fell on the path, and birds swooped in and snatched ’em up, man:
Some seeds landed on rocky ground, sprouted quick, but with no deep roots, they got wrecked when the sun came out, no lie.
When hardships hit, they couldn’t hang, having no solid base, so they faded away.
Then there were seeds in thorny territory, getting choked out by the bushes. Bummer, right?
But some seeds hit fertile soil, thriving and producing a ton of fruit. Some hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.
If you’ve got ears that work, pay attention.
So, the squad was like, ‘Why you speaking in riddles to these peeps?’
Jesus was like, ‘You guys got the inside scoop on the heavenly secrets, but not everyone’s on that level.’
‘If you’ve got something, you’ll get more, but if you got nothing, even that’s gonna get snatched away, no cap.’
‘I’m telling stories ’cause even though they look and listen, they don’t really see or hear or get it.’
‘Esaias’s prophecy is playing out, man. He said, “You’ll hear but not understand, see but not get it.”‘
‘Their hearts are closed, ears plugged, eyes shut tight. They don’t wanna see or hear the truth. If they did, they could turn it around and I could make ’em whole again.’
‘But yo, you’re blessed ’cause you see and hear.’
‘For real, so many past prophets wanted to see and hear what you’re vibing with now, but never got the chance. It’s a lit privilege, gotta admit.’
‘Listen up, fam, story time about a gardener.’
‘When someone hears about the kingdom but doesn’t get it, the evil one snatches it away from their heart.’
‘Someone who hears and gets hyped but has no roots, falls apart when things get tough.’
‘The one who gets caught up in distractions and wealth neglects the message and fails to produce.’
‘But the one who gets it and lives it out is like fertile soil, yielding abundant results.’
‘Jesus dropped another story, like, the kingdom’s like a dude planting solid seeds.’
‘But while everyone slept, a rival planted weeds among the crops.’
‘When they grew, so did the weeds.’
‘The workers were like, “Yo, didn’t you plant good seeds?”‘
‘But the owner was like, “Nah, someone sabotaged it.”‘
‘The workers offered to clean it up, but he said no, to avoid damaging the good stuff.’
‘Let ’em grow together till harvest; then separate and burn the weeds.’
‘Jesus dropped another story, like, the kingdom’s like a tiny mustard seed.’
‘Though small, it grows into a huge tree, sheltering birds.’
‘The kingdom’s like yeast in dough, making it rise.’
‘Jesus said it’s like a woman adding yeast to a large batch of dough.’
‘He always used stories to teach.’
‘It fulfilled prophecy, dropping ancient secrets.’
‘Jesus dipped, then broke down the story of the field.’
‘The good seeds are from the Son of man.’
‘The field’s the world; good seed, kingdom kids; weeds, evil offspring.’
‘The devil planted the weeds; angels will sort it out at harvest.’
‘Bad stuff gets burned; end of the world deal.’
‘Angels sort the good from the bad.’
‘The bad face major agony, but the righteous shine.’
‘Listen up, if you’ve got ears.’
‘The kingdom’s like finding a hidden gem and selling all to keep it.’
‘Or finding a pearl and selling everything for it.’
‘Or a net catching all kinds of fish, good and bad.’
‘Sorted at the end; bad tossed, good kept.’
‘Angels separate, bad burnt, good kept.’
‘Angels sort the bad from the good.’
‘The bad face major agony.’
‘Jesus asked if they got it; they said yes.’
‘Every kingdom scholar’s like a boss with a treasure trove, mixing old and new.’
‘Jesus finished up, then dipped.’
‘Back in his hometown, he dropped wisdom at the synagogue.’
‘People were shocked at his knowledge and skills.’
‘Ain’t this the carpenter’s son, Mary’s kid, with bros James, Joses, Simon, and Judas?’
‘And his sisters are here, right? Where’d he get all this?’
‘They got offended, so he didn’t do much there.’

Matthew 14

So, way back when, there was this ruler guy named Herod, right? He caught wind of all the amazing stuff Jesus was doing, you feel me? Herod had control over four provinces and whatnot. Pretty intense, huh?
He goes to his crew, like, ‘Yo, that’s John the Baptist! Homeboy straight up resurrected, that’s why he’s pulling off all those insane miracles. Lit AF, am I right?’
So Herod’s like, ‘I’m gonna lock up John because of Herodias, Philip’s wife and all.’
John’s like, ‘Bro, it ain’t cool for you to be with her.’
Herod’s about to off him, but he’s scared of the crowd ’cause they see John as a legit prophet or something.
Fast forward to Herod’s birthday bash, Herodias’ daughter busts out some sick moves, impressing everyone, especially Herod. She’s the star of the show, you dig?
Herod’s all, ‘I swear, I’ll hook you up with whatever you want, no cap.’
So the girl, after getting some tips from her mom, goes, ‘Give me John the Baptist’s head on a silver platter or something.’
The king’s bummed, but he made a promise in front of everyone, so he has to deliver.
Long story short, John gets his head chopped off while locked up.
They serve it up to the girl, who takes it to her mom.
John’s crew scoops up the body, gives him a proper send-off, and updates Jesus.
Jesus hears about it and dips out on a boat to a chill spot. His squad starts walking after him.
Jesus sees a huge crowd, feels for them, and heals their sick homies.
His crew’s like, ‘Bro, it’s late and there’s no food here. Tell them to bounce and grab grub in the nearby towns.’
But Jesus is like, ‘Nah, just feed ’em.’
They’re like, ‘All we got is five loaves and two fish.’
Jesus is like, ‘Bet, bring ’em here.’
He blesses the food, breaks it, and hands it out.
Everyone eats, gets full, and there’s leftovers galore.
5K dudes, plus ladies and kids, chow down.
Jesus tells his squad to boat ahead while he dismisses the crowd.
Then he heads to a mountain to pray solo.
Meanwhile, the boat’s battling rough waves.
Jesus shows up, walking on water like it’s NBD.
His squad freaks, thinking he’s a ghost.
Jesus calms them, like, ‘Chill, it’s me.’
Peter’s like, ‘If it’s you, let me walk too.’
Jesus is like, ‘Come through.’ So Peter steps out.
But when he notices the wind, he panics and starts sinking, calling for Jesus to save him.
Jesus pulls him up, like, ‘Why’d you doubt, bro? Have some faith!’
Wind stops when they hop back on the boat.
Crew respects Jesus even more, calling him the Son of God.
They dock in Gennesaret.
Locals bring sick folks to Jesus.
They’re like, ‘Can we just touch his clothes?’ Everyone who does gets healed.

Matthew 15

So, like, these scribes and Pharisees from Jerusalem came up to Jesus, right?
They’re all like, “Yo, why aren’t your squad following the OG rules? They don’t even bother washing their hands before grubbing on some bread.”
And Jesus was like, “Bruh, why you gotta flex with your old-school traditions and break God’s commands?”
God was straight up like, “Listen, fam! You gotta show major love to your peeps, especially your folks. And if anyone disses their parents, they’re in for some serious trouble.”
But if someone’s like, “Sorry, can’t help you out financially, already gave it all away,”
You still gotta respect your parents, no doubt! But y’all messed up big time by putting traditions before God’s rules, making ’em worthless.
Hypocrites alert! Isaiah saw right through y’all, like, check it,
These peeps be all talk, but their hearts ain’t in it.
They worship me for clout, not for real love. They’re all about their own ideas, not my commands.
So Jesus gathered everyone up and was like, “Listen up, get this straight:”
It ain’t about what goes in your mouth that messes you up; it’s what comes out of it.
His squad was like, “Yo Jesus, them Pharisees are tight about what you just said, you know?”
But he was like, “Check it, anything not from my heavenly Father gets cut off.
Just let ’em be, they’re like clueless influencers leading other clueless peeps. And you know what happens when one blind dude follows another? Both end up in a ditch.”
Then Peter’s like, “Yo, break it down for us, man. Explain this parable.”
And Jesus is like, “Y’all still don’t get it?”
He’s like, “Yo, it’s what comes out of your mouth that shows what’s in your heart, not what you eat.”
Your words can build you up or break you down, it’s real talk.
‘Cause all the messed up stuff comes from deep down, you feel? Like evil thoughts, killing, cheating, hooking up randomly, stealing, lying, dissing religion, man.
That’s what messes you up, not eating with dirty hands.
So Jesus dipped to Tyre and Sidon for some chill vibes.
Then this Canaanite woman rolls up begging for mercy. She’s like, “I know you’re the real deal, Lord! My daughter’s messed up with a demon.”
But Jesus ignores her, and his squad’s like, “Send her away, she’s buggin’.”
He’s like, “Nah, just here for my lost fam from Israel.”
She’s persistent, showing mad respect, like, “Lord, I really need your help.”
But he’s like, “It ain’t cool to give the kids’ food to the dogs.”
And she’s like, “Even dogs get the crumbs from the table.”
Jesus is impressed, “Your faith’s legit! Consider it done.” And her daughter’s healed right then.
Then Jesus heads to Galilee, hitting up a lit mountain to chill.
A bunch of people roll through, bringing those who couldn’t walk, see, talk, with disabilities and all. They drop ’em at Jesus’ feet, and he hooks them up.
The crowd’s shook seeing the silent ones speak, the injured healed, the crippled walk, the blind see. They’re all like, “Praise the God of Israel!”
So Jesus is like, “My peeps been rollin’ with me for three days, hungry AF. Can’t let ’em dip like that.”
His squad’s like, “Where we even gonna find enough bread out here?”
Jesus asks, “How much bread we got?” They’re like, “Seven loaves and a few fish.”
He’s like, “Bet, everyone chill on the ground.”
He takes the loaves and fish, blesses them, hands them to his squad, who passes them to the crowd.
They all chow down, full AF, with seven baskets of leftovers.
About 4000 dudes ate, not counting the ladies and kids.
Jesus tells the crowd to bounce, then hops on a boat to Magdala by the coast.

Matthew 16

Yo, the Pharisees and Sadducees came through, trying to test Jesus, asking for some heavenly sign.
Jesus is like, “Yo, when evening comes, you’re all like, ‘Tomorrow’s gonna be clear,’ ’cause, you know, the sky’s all red.”
He’s dropping truth bombs like, “In the morning, you’re like, ‘Storm’s brewing today,’ reading the signs of the sky. So, why can’t y’all see the signs of the times?”
This generation be all about signs, but they ain’t getting none except Jonah’s sign. Then he dipped.
So, when Jesus and his squad hit the other shore, they forgot to bring bread, spaced out.
Jesus is like, “Watch out for that Pharisees and Sadducees vibe.”
And they’re like, “We forgot bread, now we hungry.”
Jesus catches on, “Weak faith, stressing over bread? ”
He’s like, “Remember the five loaves for five thousand? Chill, it ain’t hard!”
“Remember the seven loaves for four thousand? Count the baskets!”
“Why you still not getting it? I ain’t talking bread, I’m talking Pharisees and Sadducees.”
Finally, they get it: ‘leaven of bread’ meant the corrupt beliefs of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
Jesus hits Caesarea Philippi, “Who do people say I am, Son of man?”
“Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah or Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”
“Who you think I am?”
Simon Peter’s like, “You’re the Christ, Son of Almighty God, no cap.”
Jesus is like, “Blessed, Simon Barjona! Divine download from pops!”
“You’re Peter, solid rock. On this, I’ll build my church, hell can’t touch it.”
“I got you, keys to heaven. What you bind on Earth, bound in heaven; what you loose, loosed in heaven.”
“Keep it on the low, I’m the Jesus, the GOAT.”
Jesus talks about heading to Jerusalem, facing the elders, priests, scholars, getting killed, but rising on the third day.
Peter’s like, “No way, Lord!”
But Jesus is like, “Move, Satan! You’re all about worldly things, not God’s.”
“Follow me, leave ego behind, face challenges.”
“Lose life for me, find it.”
“What’s the point stacking the world but losing your soul?”
“Son of man will come in Father’s splendor, giving based on hustle.”
“Some won’t die before seeing Son of man’s kingdom.”

Matthew 17

So, like, after six days, Jesus takes Peter, James, and John his bro, and they head up to this super high mountain alone.
And then something crazy happened. Jesus went all glow-up mode, with his face shining brighter than the sun and his clothes looking fresher than ever.
And OMG, like, out of nowhere, Moses and Elias showed up and were just, like, totally talking to him and stuff.
So Peter spoke up and said to Jesus, ‘Dude, it’s rad to be chillin’ here with you. If you’re down, let’s create three epic hangout spots – one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elias.’
As soon as he started talking, a super lit cloud appeared and covered them. And from the cloud, a voice was like, ‘Yo, check it, this is my all-time favorite Son that I’m totally vibing with. Y’all better listen to him, no cap.’
And when the disciples heard that, they freaked out and fell on their face, totally scared.
So Jesus popped up and gave them a fist bump, saying, ‘Yo, chill out and don’t freak.’
And when they like looked up, they were like, ‘OMG, there was nobody there, just Jesus chillin’ by himself.’
Yo, when they were coming down from the mountain, Jesus was like, ‘Don’t go spreading the vision to anyone until I come back from the dead, you feel me?’
So, like, the disciples were all, ‘Yo, Jesus, the scribes are always saying that Elijah has to come first. What’s up with that?’
And Jesus was like, yo, listen up. Elias is gonna come first, for real, and he’s gonna make everything right again.
Yo, listen up fam. So, just to break it down for y’all, Elijah actually came before, but people didn’t even recognize him, you feel? They straight up did whatever they wanted with him. And let me tell you, it’s gonna be the same deal for the Son of man. He gonna go through some serious suffering at their hands, for real.
Yo, the disciples were like, ‘Oh snap, Jesus was talkin’ about John the Baptist!’
And when they finally reached the large group, this dude showed up, straight up kneeling in front of Jesus and said,
Yo, God, please show some compassion for my kid. He’s like, crazy and seriously tormented. He keeps freakin’ falling into fires and water all the time.
So I brought the guy to your crew, but they couldn’t fix him, no cap.
Yo, Jesus was like: ‘Seriously guys, why is everyone so lacking in faith and twisted in their thinking? How much longer do I have to stick around and put up with this? Just bring the person over here to me.’
And Jesus totally called out the devil, and he bounced out of there: and the kid was healed right away.
So the disciples went to Jesus privately and asked, why weren’t we able to kick him out?
Jesus was like, yo guys, it’s because you don’t believe enough. Seriously, if you even had a tiny bit of faith, like as small as a mustard seed, you could totally tell that mountain over there to move somewhere else, and boom, it’s gonna move. And legit, nothing will be impossible for you then, like no cap.
But, like, this type of situation only gets resolved through deep prayer and hardcore fasting.
So, like, Jesus was chillin’ in Galilee, right? And he straight up told his homies, ‘Yo, the Son of man is gonna get betrayed by these dudes.
And they’re gonna get rid of him, but on the third day, he’s gonna come back to life. And they were like super, super bummed about it.
So, when they arrived in Capernaum, the peeps who collected cash came up to Peter and were like, ‘Yo, doesn’t your boss pay up?’
Jesus was like, ‘Yeah, bro.’ So when he came inside the house, Jesus beat him to the punch and was like, ‘Yo Simon, whatcha thinkin’? Who do the big shot kings of the earth tax and collect money from? Their own kids or random people?’
Peter’s like, ‘They’re strangers, duh.’ Jesus replies, ‘Well, if they’re strangers, then the kids are off the hook.’
But hey, just so we don’t cause any drama, head on over to the sea, throw in a fishing line and reel in the first fish that pops up. And guess what? When you open its mouth, there will be some cash hanging out. Take it and give it to them, for you and me. It’s like a silver coin worth a couple of bucks, about fifty-five cents. No kidding!

Matthew 18

So, the disciples roll up to Jesus like, ‘Yo, who’s the top dog in heaven, tho?’
So, Jesus was like, ‘Yo, come here, kiddo!’ And he like put the kid right in the mix of the crew,
And I was like, for real tho, listen up! Unless you change your whole vibe and start being all innocent and pure like little kids, forget about making it into heaven, alright?
So, like, anyone who, you know, gets all humble like a little kid, well they’re, like, totally the top dog in heaven.
Yo, if you welcome a little kid in my name, you’re totally welcoming me. #JustSaying
But anyone who hurts one of these younger believers in me would be better off having a big weight tied around their neck and getting tossed into the deepest part of the ocean.
Dang, the world is in trouble because of all these messed up things happening! Like, it’s bound to happen, but seriously, that person who causes the trouble is in for some major trouble themselves!
If your hand or your foot is causing trouble, get rid of them and distance yourself: it’s way better to go through life with a limp or being imperfect, than to be thrown into eternal flames with two hands or two feet.
If something you see bothers you, get rid of it and distance yourself from it: it’s way cooler to embrace a life with just one perspective than to end up in a fiery mess with a pair of eyes.
Yo, listen up and don’t sleep on these little ones, ’cause let me tell you, up in heaven, their angels stay posted and always see my Father’s face.
Yo, the Son of man came to save what was lost, ya know?
Yo, listen up fam. Picture this: a dude has like a hundred sheep, right? But one of them decides to dip and goes off on its own path. Would that guy just chill with the rest of the flock? Nah, bro. He goes all out, hiking up those mountains, searching high and low for that one lost sheep.
And if he actually finds it, I swear to you, he’s way more stoked about that one sheep than the other ninety-nine that didn’t wander off.
But, like, for real, God up in heaven doesn’t want any of these little dudes to get wrecked.
Btw, if your bro does you wrong, hit him up and just talk it out, one on one. If he listens to you, you’ve totally won him back.
But if he doesn’t listen to you, then bring along one or two extra peeps, so that with a couple of witnesses everything can be confirmed.
And if he ignores what they say, bring it up to the whole crew. But if he still ignores the crew, consider him like someone from another scene and a total outsider.
Yo, listen up! I’m telling you for real, whatever you guys decide here on Earth, it’s gonna be the same deal up in heaven. So if you’re making some things happen or letting go of stuff, it’s gonna have the same effect up there too.
Alright y’all, listen up! Here’s the deal: If two of you are totally vibing and agree on something here on Earth, and you ask for it, boom! Consider it done! My pops up in heaven will make it happen. No cap, fam.
Like, if there’s, like, a small crew of two or three people vibin’ in my name, I’m totally there with them, you know?
So this dude Peter walks up to Jesus and asks, ‘Yo, Jesus, how many times should I forgive my bro if he keeps screwing up and messing with me? Like, should I do it seven times?’
Jesus is like, yo, I’m not just talkin’ seven times, bro. I’m talkin’ like seven times seventy. Unlimited forgiveness, man.
So, the kingdom of heaven is basically like this one dude, who’s a king and all, and he decides to check up on his servants and see how they’re doing.
And when he was counting, someone came to him who owed him a massive amount of money. (FYI, a talent is equal to 750 ounces of silver, which at the current rate of 5 shillings per ounce is a whole lot of cash.)
But since he had no money to pay, his boss ordered him to be sold along with his partner, kids, and everything he owned, just to settle the debt.
So the servant totally prostrated themselves and showed mad respect, like, ‘Yo Lord, please be patient with me and I’ll totally pay you everything, no doubt.’
Then the boss of that servant totally felt for him, and set him free, and wiped out all his debt.
But then this worker went out and came across his coworker who owed him a small amount of money, about a hundred pence. And he grabbed him and yelled at him, demanding him to pay back what he owed. (Just FYI, a Roman penny is like the eighth part of an ounce, and after converting it, it’s around seven pence halfpenny or about fourteen cents.)
And his squad member dropped to the ground, begging him like, ‘Yo, just give me some time and I’ll totally pay you back in full.’
But he was like, ‘Nah,’, and straight up sent him to jail until he could pay off what he owed.
So when his friends saw what happened, they were totally bummed out and went and spilled the tea to their boss about everything that went down.
So his boss, when he called him, was like, ‘Yo, you messed up big time, but I forgave you all that debt because you reached out to me and asked for forgiveness:
Yo, shouldn’t you have shown some empathy for your homie, just like I showed you some mercy?
And his boss got really mad and handed him over to the haters, until he paid back everything he owed.
Just like that, my heavenly Father will do the same to you if you don’t forgive your bros from the heart for their wrongdoings.

Matthew 19

After Jesus finished spittin’ truth, he bounced from Galilee and headed to the chill spots in Judaea, on the other side of the Jordan river.
And let me tell you, mad peeps were straight-up following him, and he was healing everyone who came his way.
Then, these Pharisees came up to Jesus, trying to stir up drama, asking him, ‘Hey dude, is it cool to ghost your wife for any ol’ reason?’
And Jesus was like, ‘Bruh, haven’t you read? In the beginning, the big man upstairs made them dudes and dudettes, no cap,
He was like, ‘A dude should leave his fam and be tight with his girl, and they’ll be like this ultimate soul connection or somethin’?
So, they ain’t two separate peeps anymore, but totally one, ya feel? And if God’s the one who made ’em one, then don’t even think about splitting ’em apart.
They hit him with, ‘Why did Moses say we gotta sign divorce papers and bounce?’
He’s like, ‘Moses let you cut ties with your wives ’cause y’all were acting stubborn, but that ain’t how it’s supposed to be from the jump, fam.’
Listen up. If someone breaks it off with their partner, unless it’s ’cause of cheatin’, and jumps ship to someone new, they’re straight-up cheatin’. And if someone marries the dumper, they’re in on the cheating too. Serious business, man.
His crew was like, ‘Dang, if marriage is that much of a hassle, maybe it ain’t worth it.’
But he was like, ‘Not everyone can handle what I’m droppin’, only those who get it.’
Listen up! Some peeps are born eunuchs, like from the start. And then there are those who become eunuchs because of others, like by choice or somethin’. And believe it or not, some willingly give up relationships for the kingdom of heaven. So, if you get what I’m throwin’ down, then soak in this wisdom.
So, they brought these little kids to Jesus, and peeps wanted him to bless them. But the crew was like, ‘Nah, no kids allowed!’
But Jesus was like, ‘Let the little ones kick it with me, don’t be blockin’ them. ‘Cause the kingdom of heaven is all about their vibes.’
And he gave ’em some love, then dipped.
Someone rolled up and was like, ‘Hey, good vibes Master, what’s the secret to eternal life, ya know? Like what’s good?’
And he was like, ‘Why you callin’ me good? Only God’s truly good, fam. But if you wanna score eternal life, follow the rules.’
He’s like, ‘Which ones?’ Jesus was like, ‘Don’t kill, don’t cheat, don’t steal, don’t lie,
Respect your fam squad, and spread love to your homies, just like you do for yourself.
The dude was like, ‘Yo, I’ve been keepin’ it real since day one. But what else I gotta do?’
Jesus was like, ‘If you wanna level up, sell all your stuff, give to those in need, and you’ll be stackin’ up heavenly rewards. Then come kick it with me and be part of the crew.’
But when the guy heard that, he got bummed and dipped ’cause he had mad stuff, ya know.
Listen up, fam! Jesus straight up said it’s mad hard for a rich dude to get into heaven.
And for real, it’s like, impossible for a rich dude to get into God’s crew, even more unlikely than a camel squeezin’ through a needle, man.
The squad was shook, like who can even get saved, though?
But Jesus was like, ‘Yo, with humans, it’s impossible, but with God, anything goes.’
Peter was like, ‘We’ve given up everything for you; what’s in it for us, fam?’
So Jesus was like, ‘Listen up, fam, for real. Those who ride with me, when things get lit again and I’m on my throne, y’all gonna have thrones too, judgin’ the tribes.
And anyone who gives up their crib, squad, fam, parents, bae, or wealth for me, will be blessed a hundred times over and get eternal life, no cap.
Many who think they’re top dogs will end up last, and those who usually get left behind will lead the pack.

Matthew 20

So, imagine this: Heaven’s kingdom is like this boss dude, right? He’s running his own place, heading out in the AM to recruit some squad for his dope vineyard.
And when he struck a deal with the workers for just a few bucks a day, he sent them off to hustle in his vineyard.
So, like, around 9 AM, he peeped some other peeps just hanging out, not hustling in the market,
And he’s like, ‘Yo, you gotta come hustle in the vineyard too. I’ll hook you up with what’s fair.’ And they were like, ‘Cool, no prob.’
He pulled the same move around 6 and 9 PM, too.
Then around 11 AM, he spotted some others just chilling, not doing anything, and he’s like, ‘What’s up? Why y’all just standing here loafing?’
They’re like, ‘No one’s offering gigs, man.’ And he’s like, ‘Word, head to the vineyard too and you’ll get what’s fair, for real.’
So, when it got late, the boss tells his manager, ‘Yo, call in the workers and pay ’em, starting from the last ones hired and going back to the OGs.’
And when those who were hired last showed up, they each got a buck.
But when the OGs showed up, they thought they’d cash in big time; but in the end, everyone got the same cash.
And when they got their pay, they started griping about the boss man,
They were like, ‘Um, these last-minute peeps only worked, like, an hour! And you’re paying them the same as us, who busted our butts all day in the blazing sun!’
But he’s like, ‘Listen up, I didn’t stiff you. We agreed on a fair deal, right?’
‘Take what’s yours and dip: I’m gonna hook up these last-minute folks just like I did with you.’
‘I can do what I want with my own dough, right? Why you trippin’ just ’cause I’m being generous?’
So, the ones who think they’re top dogs will end up at the bottom. And the ones who seem low-key, well, they’re gonna be at the top. ‘Cause, truth is, lots are invited, but only a few really make the cut.
So, Jesus was rolling to Jerusalem and he pulls the twelve disciples aside while they’re on the move, and starts spitting facts,
‘Listen up, we’re heading to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man’s gonna get handed over to the bigwigs – the chief priests and the scribes. And guess what? They’re gonna straight-up ice him.’
‘They’ll hand him over to the haters to clown on, beat up, and stick him on the cross. But chill, on the third day, he’s bouncing back.’
So, this mom of Zebedee’s boys rolls up to Jesus with her sons and shows mad respect, asking for a favor.
And he’s like, ‘What’s good?’ She’s all, ‘Can my sons sit at your right and left in your kingdom?’
But Jesus is like, ‘You don’t know what you’re asking for. Can you handle what I’m about to go through?’ And they’re like, ‘Yeah, we got this!’
And he’s like, ‘You’ll go through it, but who gets those spots? Not my call, fam. My Dad’s got it all figured for those who earn it.’
When the other ten heard, they were tight and heated at the bros.
But Jesus gets ’em together and drops some truth bombs,
‘You know how big shots in the world throw their weight around? It ain’t gonna be like that for you. If you wanna be top tier, you gotta serve.’
‘Whoever wants to lead, gotta serve everyone else.’
‘I didn’t come to be served, but to serve and give my life for many.’
As they’re leaving Jericho, a huge crew starts tagging along.
Check it, two blind dudes were posted up by the road, and when they heard Jesus was passing, they straight-up shouted, asking for mercy, like ‘Yo, show us some love, you’re the Son of David!’
The crowd told ’em to chill, but they yelled even louder, like, ‘Please, show us love, Lord, you’re like the Son of David!’
So, Jesus stops and reaches out to them, asking, ‘What’s up?’
They’re like, ‘Can you, like, open our eyes, bro?’
So Jesus is moved and taps their eyes: and BAM, their vision’s clear, and they start rolling with him.

Matthew 21

So, like, when they were getting close to Jerusalem, and arrived at this place called Bethphage, right by the Mount of Olives, Jesus was like, ‘Yo, I need two of my chill disciples to go do something for me,’
Yo, listen up! Head to the village across from you, and you’ll find a dope donkey tied up with her baby colt. Untie them and bring them to me, pronto.
If anyone asks you for something, just tell them that the Lord needs it, and they will send it right away.
So basically, this whole thing happened just to make sure that what the prophet said would come true, you know?
Yo, listen up, daughter of Sion! Check it out, your King is on His way to you, being all humble and chill, riding on an ass and a cute little baby donkey.
So the squad dipped and did what Jesus told them to do,
They brought the donkey and the young donkey, and dressed them up, then they made sit on them.
And, like, a massive crowd started throwing their clothes on the ground as a sort of red carpet situation. Some even grabbed branches from the nearby trees and scattered them all over the path.
And all the people who were in front and behind were shouting, like, ‘Hosanna to the Son of David! So blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna to the max!’
And when he arrived in Jerusalem, the whole city was shook, like OMG, asking, Who’s this dude?
Yo, the crowd was like, ‘This here is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee.’
So Jesus walked into the temple of God and kicked out all those who were selling and buying stuff there. He totally wrecked the tables of the moneychangers and messed up the seats of those selling doves.
And he was like, listen up, it says in the book, my crib is supposed to be for praying and whatnot, but y’all turned it into a spot for shady business.
So, like, there were these blind and lame peeps who went up to him in the temple, and he totally healed them, man. It was, like, amazing!
But, like, the big shot religious dudes and smart guys were totally salty when they peeped the amazing stuff that Jesus was doing, and all these kids in the temple were straight up going, ‘Hosanna to the Son of David!’. It made them hella mad, no cap.
He was like, ‘Yo, you hearing what these people are saying?’ And Jesus was like, ‘Yeah, haven’t y’all ever read? Little kids be droppin’ some serious fire with their praise!’
And he dipped out of that place and headed to Bethany, where he crashed for the night.
So, like, in the morning when he went back to the city, he was totally starving.
So, like, Jesus was walking and he spotted a fig tree. He went up to it, hoping to find some juicy figs to munch on. But, to his disappointment, there were only leaves and no fruit! He got kinda mad and was like, ‘Well, you’re never gonna bear fruit again, bro!’ And just like that, the fig tree dried up and withered away.
When the disciples peeped that, they were shook and like, OMG, how did that fig tree die so fast!?
Jesus, like, responded to them, and he was all like, ‘Seriously dudes, listen up! If you believe in something with all your heart and don’t second-guess yourself, you won’t just make this fig tree shrivel up, but also if you straight-up tell a mountain to yeet itself into the ocean, it’ll actually happen.’
And, like, seriously, whatever you ask for in your prayers, as long as you believe, it’s totally gonna happen. No cap!
As Jesus entered the temple, some of the top religious leaders and older folks approached Him while He was teaching. They asked, ‘Yo, who gave you the power to do all these things? And under whose authority are you actin’?
And Jesus was like, yo, I got a question for y’all too. If you answer mine, I’ll drop some knowledge on you about where my authority comes from.
Yo, that John’s baptism, where did it come from? Straight from heaven or just some human invention? And they started questioning among themselves, like, if we say it’s from heaven, then he’s gonna be like, ‘Yo, why didn’t you believe him then?’
But like, if we’re being honest, if we tell everyone that John’s message was just from regular people, we’re gonna have a major problem on our hands, ’cause literally everyone thinks he’s a legit prophet.
So, like, Jesus asked them, and they were all like, ‘Uhh, we don’t know!’ And Jesus was like, ‘Well, I’m not gonna tell you either, like, what authority I have to do all these amazing things.’
Anyway, hear this out! There was this dude who had not one, but two bros. So he rolls up to the first bro and straight up tells him, ‘Yo, son, head over to my vineyard and start workin’ today.
He was like, ‘Nah, I’m good.’ But then he felt bad about it and changed his mind, so he actually went.
Then he went to the second person and said the same thing. The person replied, ‘Yeah, I’ll do it,’ but didn’t end up doing it.
Like, which one of them actually did what their dad wanted? And they’re all like, ‘The first one.’ Then Jesus is like, ‘For real, let me tell you something, bro. No cap, but tax collectors and sex workers are heading into God’s kingdom before you guys do.’
Yo, John came at you with all that righteousness, but y’all didn’t believe him. Meanwhile, the tax collectors and the escorts were all about his vibe and actually believed in him. And guess what? Even after seeing all that, y’all didn’t even bother to change, so you could believe in him too.
Listen up, here’s another story: There was this person who owned a house and decided to plant a vineyard. They put up a fence around it, dug a place to make wine, and even built a tower. Then, they rented it out to some farmers and went away for a long time.
And like, when it was almost time to harvest the fruit, he like, sent his homies to the farmers, so they could collect the goods.
And the workers straight up grabbed the guy’s servants, straight up beat up one of them, straight up killed another one, and straight up stoned another one.
Once again, he hit up his squad with even more servants than before, and they got treated the same way, no cap.
But like, in the end, he sent his son to them and was all like, ‘Yo, they better show respect to my son.’
But yo, when the vineyard workers peeped the son, they were like, ‘Yo, this dude be inheriting everything, let’s straight up murder him and take his ‘ish.’
So, like, they grabbed him and, like, kicked him out of the vineyard, and, like, totally killed him, man.
So, like, when the boss of the vineyard shows up, what’s he gonna do to those workers?
They were like, ‘Yo, he’s totally gonna wreck those evil dudes and find new peeps to take care of his vineyard. They’ll be legit and deliver the goods at the right time.’
Jesus be like, yo did y’all even read in the Bible? The stone that the builders threw shade on is now the top dog: this is all God’s doing and it’s freakin’ amazing, man!
So, let me tell you, God’s kingdom is gonna be snatched away from y’all and handed over to a nation that’s actually producing good stuff.
And anyone who trips over this thing will get messed up, but whoever it lands on will get absolutely wrecked.
So, like, the top priests and Pharisees, they listened to his stories, and they totally got that he was talking about them.
But when they tried to grab him, they were scared of the crowd ’cause they thought he was a legit prophet.

Matthew 22

Imagine this epic kingdom of heaven, right? It’s like when this totally awesome king decides to throw this lit wedding bash for his own son.
So the dude sent out his crew to hit up the invitees for the wedding, but they straight up ghosted and didn’t show.
Once more, he sent out more servants, like, telling the invited guests like, ‘Yo, check it out, I’ve totally set up this awesome feast: I’ve slaughtered my oxen and my fattened animals, and everything is ready to go, so, like, come join the wedding celebration, dudes!’
But, like, they totally didn’t take it seriously and just went about doing their own thing. One went back to his farm, and another was like, ‘Sorry, gotta focus on my merch!’
And the leftovers totally dissed his servants and straight up killed them.
But when the king found out, he got super mad and sent his armies to totally wreck those murderers and burn down their whole city.
Then he’s like, yo, to his squad, the lit wedding is about to go down, but the peeps who got invited ain’t even on the same level, like, not worthy and stuff.
So, like, go out into the streets and invite as many people as you can find to the wedding, okay?
So like, those helpers went out on the roads and brought together whoever they could find, no matter if they were like, not that great or totally awesome: and then the wedding was filled with guests.
So, when the king entered the party, he noticed this one dude who was, like, not dressed appropriately for a wedding:
And he’s like, bro, how did you even get in here without wearing the proper wedding attire? And the dude couldn’t say anything, totally speechless, man.
And then the king was like, ‘Yo, servants, tie this dude up real good and kick him out into the total darkness, where there’s gonna be a whole lot of crying and grinding of teeth.
Like, a lot of peeps get the call, but only a few actually get picked.
So the Pharisees got together and brainstormed on how they could trap him with his words.
So they went and sent their squad to him, along with the Homies, and were like, ‘Yo, Teacher, we know you’re legit and dropping wisdom about God without fakin’ it. You don’t care about what anyone thinks or their status in society.’
So, like, what do you think? Is it cool to pay taxes to Caesar or nah?
But Jesus totally saw through their BS and was like, why are you testing me, you fake people?
Can you show me the tax money? So they brought him a coin.
And he’s like, ‘yo, whose pic is this and what’s written under it?’
They’re like, totally saying to him, ‘Caesar’s.’ And then he’s like, ‘Alright, fam, give Caesar what’s his, you know? And don’t forget to give God what’s his too.’
After hearing that, they were totally shook and decided to peace out, going their own way.
On that very day, the Sadducees approached him with their belief that there’s no afterlife, and questioned him,
So, like, they were saying, ‘Hey, you know how Moses was all like, if a dude dies without having any kids, his brother should totally step up and marry his wife and make babies for him? Yeah, that’s the deal.’
So, there were like, seven brothers in our crew, right? The oldest one got hitched and unfortunately, he passed away without having any kids. So, according to the deal, his wife became his brother’s responsibility and all.
Same goes for the second, third, all the way up to the seventh.
And finally, the woman passed away too.
So like, in the whole resurrection scene, whose wife is she gonna be? ‘Cause, like, all seven of them had her, you know?
Jesus like totally responded and was like, ‘Yo, you’re so off track! You have zero clue about the scriptures and the insane power of God.’
In the resurrection, it’s not about getting hitched or being someone’s ‘plus one’, but rather becoming heavenly angels, no marriage vibes.
Yo, about the whole resurrection thing, haven’t you peeps read what God said to you?
Bruh, I’m the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Just so you know, God is all about the living, not the dead. #facts
And when the crowd heard that, they were shook by his teachings.
But when the Pharisees found out that he totally shut down the Sadducees, they all came together.
So, like, this dude, who happened to be a lawyer, comes up and tries to trap this other dude with a question, asking him and stuff.
Yo, teach, what’s the sickest commandment out of all the laws?
Jesus was like, ‘Yo, dude, you gotta love God with all your heart, your soul, and your mind, ya feel?
This is like the ultimate rule, guys.
And, like, the second rule is just as important, you gotta love your neighbor just like you love yourself.
These two commandments are the foundation for every law and prophecy.
So, like, Jesus was chilling with the Pharisees, and he was all like, yo, let me ask you something,
So, like, they’re asking, what’s your take on Jesus? Whose kid is He? And they’re like, oh, He’s David’s son for sure.
He’s like, yo, David was mad deep when he called him Lord, check it out,
God was like, to my main dude he said, come chill by my side until I totally crush all your haters beneath your feet.
So, if David is like, calling him Lord, then how can he be his son?
And no one could even say anything back to him, and no one dared to ask him any more questions from that day on.

Matthew 23

So, Jesus was vibing with the whole crew, even his squad, ya know?
It’s like, those scribes and Pharisees? They’re acting like they’re Moses 2.0, taking up all the spotlight.
So, peep this: whatever they lay down, you gotta listen, but don’t copy their moves. They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk.
They’re out here loading people up with heavy stuff, but won’t even lift a finger to help, typical.
But, like, it’s all for show, you feel me? They’re all about flexin’, blingin’ out their wristbands and threads. BTW, phylacteries? Think scrolls with rules and such.
They’re all about snagging the VIP spots at parties and being top dogs in the scene.
Constantly greeting people in the markets and craving that title of “Rabbi, Rabbi.”
But don’t go throwing around “Rabbi” left and right, alright? We’re all part of the same crew, no need for titles.
And don’t go calling anyone “daddy” down here, ’cause there’s only one OG Papa, and He’s up above.
Chill with the “masters” title, yo. We all got one Master, and that’s Christ, you get me?
The real MVP among y’all? He’s gonna be serving up the whole squad.
Those trying to boost themselves up? They’ll be taken down, but the humble ones? They’re getting lifted.
Yo, scribes and Pharisees, listen up! You’re blocking heaven’s door for others but ain’t entering yourselves or letting anyone else in.
Scribes and Pharisees, fake alert! Acting all saintly but scamming widows out of their homes. And those never-ending prayers? Just for show. Y’all in for some heavy consequences.
Listen, scribes and Pharisees, y’all need a reality check. Trying so hard to convert folks but turning them into a mess worse than yourselves. Big facepalm.
Swearing by the temple’s a breeze, but swearing by its bling? Nah, that’s debt-worthy.
Think, fools! What’s worth more, the bling or the sacred place that makes it worth something?
Swearing by the altar? No biggie. Swearing by its offerings? You’re in trouble.
Seriously, which matters more, the gift or the altar that makes it holy?
Swear by the altar, and you’re swearing by it all.
Swearing by the temple? You’re swearing by the Almighty’s throne and the One chilling on it.
Swearing by heaven? You’re swearing by God’s throne and the Big Boss sitting on it.
Hey, scribes and Pharisees, quit frontin’ with your tithes of mint and cumin but forgetting justice, kindness, and faithfulness. Don’t sleep on the real deal while chasing the small stuff. Oh, and by the way, anise means dill in Greek.
Blind influencers, focusing on minor issues while the big ones slip past.
Yo, gotta call out those scribes and Pharisees, fakin’ it with their clean cups but dirty insides. Can’t trust ’em.
Clean up inside first, Pharisee, then the outside will look fresh too.
Y’all are in for it, fake holy ones. Like Instagram filters, looking perfect but full of decay inside.
Putting on a front of righteousness but shady underneath.
You’re just posers, scribes and Pharisees. Making fancy graves for prophets but ignoring justice.
If we were around back then, we wouldn’t roll with your crew when you messed with the prophets.
You’re just carrying on the family tradition of rejecting the prophets.
Finish what your ancestors started.
Sneaky snakes, you’re gonna pay for your games.
Sending prophets and wise ones, but some of you gonna straight up off them. And the rest? You’ll torture them in your hangouts. Get ready for some real drama.
Blood’s on your hands, from Abel to Zacharias, the one you took out between the temple and the altar.
This is going down in your time, no escape.
Jerusalem, keep rejecting the prophets. I wanted to gather you up like a mother hen does her chicks, but you weren’t having it.
Your spot’s gonna be deserted.
Mark my words, you won’t see me again till you give props to the one who comes in the Lord’s name, got it?

Matthew 24

So Jesus bounced from the temple, and his crew were like, “Check out this sick architecture!”
“Hey, guys! Look around, seriously! Not a single stone is gonna be left standing. It’s all gonna get wrecked, for real.”
So Jesus was chilling on the mount of Olives, when his squad slid up to him, low-key, like, “Yo, when’s all this gonna go down? How we gonna know you’re rolling back and the world’s about to hit the fan?”
And Jesus was like, “Listen up, squad! Don’t get played, alright?”
“A bunch of posers will come, claiming they’re the Messiah, trying to fool everyone.”
“You’ll hear about wars and rumors of wars, but chill, it’s part of the script. The end ain’t here yet.”
“It’s gonna get wild out there. Nations and kingdoms gonna throw hands. And peeps gonna deal with shortages, diseases, and earthquakes. Stay woke, fam.”
“These struggles? Just the warm-up.”
“People gonna hate on you and try to take you out, just because of me. And every nation gonna have it in for you.”
“People gonna get salty, backstabbing and spreading hate.”
“Fake prophets gonna be popping up, trying to trick everyone.”
“With so much going wrong, love gonna fade.”
“But if you keep it real till the end, you’ll be saved.”
“Once the word’s spread worldwide, game over.”
“When you see messed up stuff happening, like Daniel said, pay attention!”
“If you’re in Judaea, bounce to the mountains, quick!”
“If you’re on the roof, don’t bother going back inside.”
“Don’t even think about grabbing your gear in the field.”
“It’s gonna be rough for pregnant or nursing moms!”
“Pray it don’t go down in winter or on the sabbath, just saying.”
“It’s gonna be one wild ride, like never before, a real rollercoaster.”
“If those days weren’t cut short, no one would survive. But for the chosen ones, the days will be cut short.”
“If someone’s like, ‘Yo, Christ’s here!’ or ‘Nah, He’s there,’ don’t buy it, alright?”
“Fake Christs and prophets gonna do crazy stuff and tricks, trying to fool even the true believers.”
“I’ve given you the heads up already.”
“If someone’s like, ‘He’s in the desert,’ or ‘He’s hiding,’ don’t believe it.”
“Like a viral TikTok, news gonna spread fast when the Son of Man makes his entrance!”
“Where there’s trouble, you’ll find the vultures.”
“After the chaos, sky gonna go dark, stars falling. It’s gonna be a heavenly shake-up!”
“Then, a sign in the sky, showing the Son of Man’s arrival. People gonna mourn, ’cause he’s coming in style, with all his power and glory.”
“Angels gonna blast the trumpet, rallying his crew from all over. It’s showtime!”
“Here’s a tip: when you see the fig tree sprouting leaves, summer’s near.”
“When you peep all these signs, it’s go-time, right at the door.”
“I’m telling you, my squad ain’t out till it all goes down.”
“Heaven and earth might fade, but my words? They stay.”
“Nobody knows when, not even the angels, only my pops.”
“Like Noah’s days, that’s how it’s gonna be when the Son of Man arrives.”
“People gonna be chilling until it’s too late, just like before the flood.”
“They won’t see it coming until it’s too late. Same deal with the Son of Man.”
“Two people chilling, one taken, one left behind.”
“Two ladies grinding, one makes it, one misses out.”
“Stay woke, ’cause you never know when your Lord’s showing up.”
“Be ready, like a homeowner ready for a thief.”
“Be prepared, ’cause the Son of Man could show up anytime, unexpected.”
“Who’s the smart servant, managing his crew well?”
“That guy’s blessed! Boss shows up, catches him in action.”
“He’s getting a promotion, for real.”
“But if that servant’s slacking, thinking the boss ain’t coming anytime soon,”
“and starts acting wild,”
“the boss will show up unexpected, catching him off guard.”
“And he’ll get what’s coming to him, with the fakers, where there’s crying and grinding teeth.”

Matthew 25

Yo, peeps, peep this: the kingdom of heaven is like this sitch where there were ten girls waiting for this guy, the bridegroom, to show. And to prep, they grabbed their lamps and dipped.
So, five were on point, ready to roll, but the other five were straight clueless, lacking that wisdom vibe.
The clueless ones snagged their flashlights but totally spaced on the batteries:
But the wise ones came through with that extra oil stash, plus their lit lamps.
So, the groom was late, and they all passed out, catching some Z’s.
Then, out of nowhere, at midnight, there’s this uproar like, ‘Yo, the groom’s here! Let’s bounce and meet him!’
So, all the single ladies woke up and made sure their light game was strong.
And the clueless ones were like, ‘Hey, can we score some oil? Our lights are totally dead.’
But the woke ones were like, obviously not, we all gotta be stacked. So, hit up the store and cop your own.
While they were out shopping, the groom arrived, and those ready to party joined him inside for the wedding bash. And then, boom, the door shut.
Later, the other crew rolls in like, ‘Hey, hey, open up, Lord!’
But he’s like, nah, I don’t even know you.
Stay woke, fam, ’cause you never know when the Son of man’s coming through. It could be any time, so stay on guard, aight?
The kingdom of heaven’s like when a dude’s about to jet off to some faraway spot, and he hits up his squad, passing them all his gear.
So, this guy hands out five talents to one, two to another, and one to someone else, each according to their skills. Then he peaces out on his trip.
The one with five talents invests and doubles up, making another five talents.
And the two-talent dude also doubles up, scoring two more.
But the one-talent person freaks, buries it, and hides it from his boss.
When the boss finally shows, he’s doing the math with his crew.
The five-talent guy shows up, doubling up like, ‘Yo, boss, you gave me five talents, and check it, I doubled that, making five more, easy.’
Boss is like, ‘Solid work! You’ve been reliable, so I’m upping your responsibilities. Come chill.’
Then the two-talent person’s like, ‘Yo, you gave me two talents, right? Well, look, I doubled that, making two more.’
Boss is like, ‘On point! You’ve been solid, so I’m giving you more. Come vibe with me.’
But the one-talent dude’s like, ‘Boss, I know you’re hardcore, always reaping where you haven’t sowed.’
So, I got scared and buried your talent. Here it is, untouched.
Boss ain’t having it, like, ‘Bro, you’re lazy and wicked! You knew how I roll.’
You should’ve invested, so when I came back, I’d have more.
Take that talent and give it to the one who already has ten.
Those with stuff get more, while the ones with nothing lose even that.
And toss that unproductive one into darkness, where it’s all tears and grinding teeth.
When the Son of man comes in glory, chilling with his crew, he’ll take his throne.
Everyone’s coming before him, and he’s splitting them like sheep and goats.
Sheep on the right, goats on the left, got it?
The King’s like, ‘Right-siders, you’re blessed! My Dad’s been prepping this kingdom for you since forever.
You hooked me up when I was hungry, thirsty, a stranger. You clothed me when I was naked, checked on me when I was sick, visited when I was locked up.
Those who did good are like, ‘When did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger?’
When did we spot you and help you out?
Like, when did we see you in need and lend a hand?
When did we see you sick or locked up and come through?
The King’s like, ‘Yo, if you showed love to the little guys, you showed love to me.’
Lefties, peace out! You’re not bringing good vibes. Head to the eternal fire for the devil and his crew.
I was hungry, thirsty, and you didn’t help. Seriously?
I was a stranger, needing clothes, sick, locked up, and you ghosted me.
They’re like, ‘When did we see you in need and not help, my bad?’
The King’s like, if you didn’t help the little guys, you didn’t help me.
Those who did right get eternal life, while the others face everlasting punishment.

Matthew 26

So, Jesus was wrapping up all his teachings and he turned to his squad and said,
You all know that in two days it’s time for the passover, and the Son of man is about to be betrayed and crucified.
So the top priests, the cool writers, and the OGs of the peeps got together and went to the high priest Caiaphas’ crib,
And they plotted to catch Jesus off guard and take him by stealth, with the intention to kill him.
But they were like, nah, not gonna do it during the festival, too risky with all the potential drama from the crowd.
So, like, Jesus was chilling in Bethany, at Simon the leper’s crib,
So this woman comes up to Jesus carrying this super expensive ointment in a really fancy alabaster box, and she just straight up pours it all over his head while he’s chilling out and having a meal.
But when his homies peeped that, they were mad salty, like, why you gotta be wastin’ like this, fam?
Dude, this fancy ointment could’ve totally been sold for serious cash and used to help out the less fortunate peeps.
When Jesus got what was up, he said to them, ‘Why you gotta bother the girl? She’s done something good for me.’
Just so you know, the poor are always gonna be around, but I won’t be hanging out with you all the time, fam.
When she poured this ointment on me, she did it in preparation for my burial.
I’m telling you, wherever this good news gets shared all around the world, they’ll also mention what this woman did to honor her forever.
So, like, one of the twelve homies, named Judas Iscariot, straight up rolls up to the chief priests,
So he was like, ‘Yo, what’s in it for me if I hand him over to you guys?’ And they were like, ‘We’ll give you 30 silver coins, deal or no deal?’
And like, since then he was, like, looking for a chance to, like, totally betray him.
So, like, it was the first day of this really important feast called unleavened bread and the disciples rolled up to Jesus, being all like, ‘Yo dude, where do you wanna chow down and have the passover meal?’
So Jesus was like, ‘Hey, go into town and find this dude, tell him the Boss says it’s time for the Passover feast and we’re gonna do it at his place with my homies.’
So the disciples did exactly what Jesus told them to do and prepared for the passover.
So, when it got late, he chilled and hung out with his squad of twelve.
Yo, while they were chowing down, he straight up said, ‘For real, I’m telling you, one of y’all gonna betray me.’
And they were like super sad, and each one of them started asking him, Lordd, could it be me?’
And he was like, yo, whoever eats with me from the same dish is gonna betray me, fam.
The Son of man is heading out just like it was written, but dang, that dude who betrays the Son of man is in for some serious trouble! Let me tell you, it would’ve been way better for him if he had never been born.
So, like, Judas, the one who duped Him, was all like, ‘Yo, teacher, is it me?’ And then Jesus was like, ‘Yeah, dude, you nailed it.’
While they were chowing down, Jesus grabbed some bread, said a blessing, broke it, and handed it over to the squad, saying ‘Here you go, dig in; this is my body.’
And he grabbed the cup and was like, ‘Yo, thanks!’ and handed it to them, saying, ‘Drink up, fam, all of it!’
Yo, this is like my blood, the new deal, you know? It’s spilled out for a bunch of peeps to help ’em get rid of their sins.
But yo, listen up, I ain’t sippin’ on this vine juice no more, till the day I sip it fresh with y’all in my Father’s kingdom.
After they jammed out to a lit hymn, they bounced out to the mount of Olives. #GoodVibesOnly #PsalmOnFleek
Jesus just straight up tells them, ‘Yo, all of you gonna get offended by me tonight. It’s all good though, ’cause it was already written that I’m gonna mess up the leader and the rest of the crew gonna scatter everywhere.’
But once I’ve come back to life, I’ll meet up with you in Galilee before anyone else.
Peter replied and was like, ‘Even if all the homies start trippin’ because of you, I won’t ever be trippin’. Like, no matter what happens, my faith will be solid and on point.’
Jesus was like, yo bro, listen up. I’m telling you straight up, tonight before the rooster starts doing its thing, you’re gonna deny me three times. No cap.
Peter was like, ‘Yo, even if I gotta die with you, I’m not gonna front on you.’ And all the homies straight up agreed with him.
So Jesus rolls up with his homies to this spot called Gethsemane, and he’s like, ‘Yo, chill here while I go off and pray over there’.
So he grabbed Peter and the two bros of Zebedee and started feeling so down and super bummed out.
So then, he walked a bit farther, dropped to the ground, and started praying. He said, ‘Yo, Dad, if there’s any chance, can you please take away this heavy situation from me? But hey, I trust your plan more than mine, so whatever you decide, I’m down with it, no matter what.’
So he goes to his friends, and sees that they’re all asleep. And he says to Peter, like, seriously? You couldn’t stay awake and hang with me for just one hour?
Keep your eyes peeled and stay alert so you don’t fall into the traps: even though your mind wants to do the right thing, your body might not be up to the challenge.
He dipped outta there a second time and prayed, like, ‘Yo, Dad, if I gotta drink this cup and can’t dodge it, your will be done.’
And then he walked over and saw them passed out once again, because they were so tired.
And he bounced out of there and dipped, then went off for another round of prayer, repeating the same words once more.
So, like, he goes to his homies and he’s all like, ‘Yo, take a nap and chillax now. Check it out, the time has come, and the Son of man is gonna be handed over to some sketchy peeps who love to sin.’
Hey, let’s bounce: guess who’s here to stab me in the back?
So, like, while Jesus was still talking, dude, Judas, one of his twelve homies, shows up, and he brought a huge group of guys armed with swords and stuff. And get this, they were all sent by the head priests and older peeps from the crowd.
So, like, the dude who turned on Jesus was all like, ‘Hey, I’ll give you a signal. The one I kiss is the guy you want. Grab him!’
Then he quickly approached Jesus and said, ‘Yo, what’s up, master?’ and gave him a high five.
And Jesus was like, dude, why are you here? And then his crew came over, grabbed Jesus, and took him away.
Yo, check it out! One of Jesus’ homies straight up pulled out his sword and slashed a servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear.
Yo, Jesus was like, ‘Bro, put that sword away! ‘Cause anyone who lives by the sword is gonna die by the sword, ya know? So, let’s not resort to violence, alright? Peace out.’
Do you seriously think I can’t just ask my Dad to hook me up with, like, a whole squad of twelve legions of angels right now?
But like, how are the scriptures gonna be, you know, fulfilled? Like, it’s just gotta be that way, ya feel me?
At that time, Jesus said to the crowd, ‘Did you really have to come at me like I’m some kind of criminal, with all your weapons? I’ve been hanging out with you every day, teaching in the temple, and you didn’t even try to catch me.’
But that was all part of the plan, so that what the prophets said in the scriptures could come true. And just like that, all the disciples dipped out and ran away.
So, like, those dudes who grabbed Jesus took him to Caiaphas, the high priest, where all the scribblers and old peeps were hanging out.
So Peter kind of stalked Jesus from a distance to the high priest’s crib, then he went in and chilled with the servants, just to see how things would go down.
So, like, the main priests, old peeps, and the whole council were totally trying to find fake witnesses against Jesus, just to like, get rid of him for good.
But they couldn’t find any: even though a bunch of fake witnesses showed up, they still found no one to testify. Eventually, two false witnesses came forward.
And like, this guy was all, ‘Yo, I can totally wreck God’s crib and rebuild it in just three days.’
The high priest stood up and asked, ‘Yo, are you gonna say anything? Like, what are these people accusing you of?’
But Jesus stayed silent. And the high priest was like, ‘Yo, I’m calling on the real divine power right now, tell us straight up, are you the chosen one, the Son of God?’
Jesus be like, ‘Oh, you said it! But listen up, here’s what’s gonna happen: in the future, you gonna witness the Son of man chilling on the ultimate throne, flexing the big power moves, and rolling up in some heavenly clouds.
And then the high priest was like, OMG he literally just said something offensive about God; like, seriously? Why do we even need more people to testify? You all just heard him disrespect God. SMH.
What do y’all think? They responded like, ‘Yeah, he’s totally gotta face the death penalty.’
And they like totally spat in his face and like, started hitting him and others were like slapping him, you know, with their hands and stuff, like really hard, maybe even with rods, you know?
They were like, ‘Yo, predict the future for us, you supposed Messiah. Tell us, who’s the one who messed you up?’
So Peter was just chilling outside the palace when this girl comes up to him, saying like, ‘Hey, you were with Jesus from Galilee too, right?’
But he straight up denied it to everyone, like, I have no idea what you’re even talking about.
And when he went out onto the porch, another girl saw him and said to the people there, ‘Yo, this dude was also rollin’ with Jesus of Nazareth.’
And he totally swore again, like for real this time, and was like, ‘Nah bruh, I don’t even know that dude.’
And then, a little later, some people nearby approached Peter and said, ‘Dude, you’re totally one of them too! Your way of talking gives you away.’
Then he started swearing and cursing, like, ‘I don’t even know the dude!’ And right away, the rooster started crowing.
And Peter was like, whoa, Jesus totally called this! He had told Peter that, before the rooster crows, he would deny Jesus three times. And guess what? It happened exactly like Jesus said. Peter was so bummed, he left and just cried his heart out.

Matthew 27

So, like, when morning hit, all those high-up priests and older peeps huddled up to figure out how to take out Jesus.
And when they had him tied up, they dragged him to Pontius Pilate, the big shot ruler dude.
So, you know Judas, the one who totally double-crossed Him? When he saw that they were gonna throw Jesus under the bus, he felt majorly guilty and gave back the cash, like, pronto, to the head honchos.
He was like, “Man, I messed up big time. Selling out an innocent person? Not cool.” And they were all, “Why do we care? That’s your problem, bro.”
Then he chucked the money and split, feeling totally hopeless, and tragically took his own life.
So the big priests were like, “Whoa, we can’t just stash this blood money in the treasury, that’s shady.”
They were all, “Let’s figure this out,” and decided to buy a burial spot for randoms, like the potter’s field.
And that field got dubbed ‘The Blood Field,’ and it’s stuck ever since.
Yo, Jeremiah the prophet totally called it, saying they’d score thirty pieces of silver for Jesus, the price set by the Israelite peeps.
And I copped it for the potter’s field, just as the Lord told me.
So Jesus was in front of the governor, and the governor’s all, “You the King of the Jews, right?” And Jesus is like, “Yeah, you said it.”
When the big priests and elders accused him, he didn’t even bother defending himself.
Pilate’s like, “Don’t you hear these allegations?”
But Jesus stayed silent, totally throwing Pilate off.
During the festival, the governor had this tradition of pardoning one prisoner.
They had this notorious dude, Barabbas.
So Pilate’s like, “Who you wanna set free? Barabbas or Jesus, aka the Christ?”
He knew they were just hating on Jesus.
Pilate’s wife hits him up like, “Don’t mess with that righteous dude. Had a gnarly dream ’cause of him.”
The big priests and elders swayed everyone to ask for Barabbas and ditch Jesus.
Pilate’s like, “Who should I release?” They go, “Barabbas.”
Pilate’s like, “What about Jesus?” And they’re like, “Crucify him!”
The governor was all like, ‘Bro, why? What bad thing did this dude do?’ But the crowd kept yelling louder, like, ‘Nah man, let’s totally crucify him!’
When Pilate realized that he couldn’t win this battle and that things were getting out of control, he grabbed some water and washed his hands in front of everyone. He said, ‘I’m not responsible for the death of this innocent person, that’s on you guys.’
And everyone, like, totally responded and was like, ‘Yeah, the blame is totally on us and our squad, all the way down to the next gen, no cap.’
So he let Barabbas go and after whipping Jesus, he handed him over to be crucified.
So, like, the governor’s soldiers brought Jesus into this chill hangout spot, and all the other soldiers joined them there. Just, you know, the governor’s house, no biggie.
And they took off his clothes and dressed him in a fire emoji outfit.
And they made this really messed up crown made of thorns and straight up put it on his head. Then they gave him a stick in his right hand, and they got down on their knees in a mocking way. They were like, ‘Yo, what’s up, King of the Jewish peeps!’
And they like totally spat on him, and grabbed this stick thing, and like hit him on the head.
And after they had made fun of him, they removed the swaggy outfit and put his own clothes back on him, then brought him to get nailed on the cross.
As they were leaving, they bumped into this dude named Simon from Cyrene. And guess what? They totally made him carry Jesus’ cross!
And when they arrived at this spot called Golgotha, which means a place of a skull,
They gave him this super gross drink with vinegar and gall mixed together, but when he tasted it, he was like, ‘No way, not gonna drink that!’.
So, they totally crucified him and like, they split up his clothes and played a game of chance to decide who gets what. It’s crazy ’cause this actually fulfills what the prophet said, you know? It’s like, ‘They split my clothes among themselves and cast lots for my robe.’
And like, they just sat there, keeping an eye on him, ya know?
And they put a sign above him that said, THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS.
So, like, there were these two thieves getting nailed on crosses with Jesus, one on his right and the other on his left.
And the people who walked by started dissing him, shaking their heads,
They were like, ‘Oh, look at you, Mr. Temple-wrecker, boasting about rebuilding it in three days. Prove yourself, if you’re really the Son of God, hop off that cross.’
And then all the big shots, like the high priests, scribes, and old folks, started making fun of Him, and this is what they said,
Yo, he always be helping others, but he ain’t saving himself. If he really the King of Israel, let him come down from that cross right now, and then we’ll actually believe in him.
He was really relying on God; let’s see if God saves him now. He kept saying he’s God’s Son, so let’s see if that’s true.
The other homies who were getting nailed up with him were throwing shade at him too.
So, like, from noon until 3pm, the whole land was, like, completely covered in darkness.
At around 3pm, Jesus shouted out loudly, ‘Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?’ which means, ‘My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?’
Yo, when certain peeps over there heard that, they were like, ‘This dude is calling for Elias!’
And like, immediately one of them was like, ‘OMG gotta help!’ So they grabbed a sponge, filled it with vinegar, put it on a reed, and gave it to him to like, drink.
The others were like, ‘Chill, let’s wait and see if Elias swoops in to rescue him.’
Bruh, Jesus, like, shouted out once more in a mega loud voice, then straight up gave up his spirit.
Yo, check it out, the chill temple curtain got split in two, from the top all the way to the bottom. Earth started shaking, rocks were like, ‘Hiyah!’
And like, dude, the graves were like, totally opened, and a bunch of dead saints like woke up and stuff, you know?
And like, after Jesus rose from the dead, a bunch of people who had been dead also rose up and came into the city, and a whole bunch of people saw them and stuff.
So like, this centurion dude and his peeps, they were keeping an eye on Jesus, right? And then boom! They see this crazy earthquake go down and witness all the crazy stuff that’s happening. And man, they were totally shooketh! They’re like, Holyy moly, no doubt about it, this dude is straight up the Son of God!’
There were so many dope ladies there, watching from a distance, who were down with Jesus and had his back since he was doing his thing in Galilee, supporting him and serving him:
The squad included Mary Magdalene, Mary (James and Joses’ mom), and the mom of Zebedee’s kids.
As the sun started setting, this wealthy dude named Joseph from Arimathaea came through. He was a true blue follower of Jesus too, no cap.
He went up to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body. Pilate then ordered that the body be handed over.
So, like, Joseph grabbed the body and swathed it in, like, a fresh, clean linen cloth, ya know?
Then he put it in his brand-new tomb that he had carved into the rock. Afterwards, he rolled a huge stone in front of the tomb’s entrance and left.
And there were Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, chilling right across from the tomb.
So the day after they got everything ready, the top religious guys and Pharisees rolled up on Pilate like…
Yo, dude, like, we totally remember that fake dude saying, when he was still alive, that he would like, come back after three days.
Yo, make sure that tomb is mega secure for three days straight, just to prevent his squad from sneaking in at night, swiping his body, and spreading the word that he’s risen from the dead. Trust me, that would cause more chaos than before.
Pilate told them, ‘You guys got this under control: go ahead, do your thing and make sure it’s as tight as you can.’
So they went and like, totally secured the tomb, sealed the stone, and had a watch in place.

Matthew 28

When the sabbath was done and dusted, early on Sunday morning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary decided to check out the scene at the tomb.
Yo, listen up, there was this crazy earthquake: ’cause the angel of the Lord straight up swooped down from heaven, rolled back that massive stone at the entrance, and chilled on it like it was nothing.
Yo, this dude’s vibe was like a lightning bolt, and his drip was on point, all white like fresh snow:
And yo, the guards were totally freaking out because of him, and they, like, froze up and went stiff as a board.
And the angel was like, ‘Yo, chill, okay? I know you’re looking for Jesus, the one who got nailed on the cross.’
Yo, he’s not here anymore: he’s risen, just like he said. Come peep where the Lord was posted up.
Yo, hustle up and go spread the word to his crew that he’s back from the dead. And yo, he’s gonna link up with y’all in Galilee. That’s the spot, no lie. I’m giving you the heads up, fam.
And they bounced from the tomb, hyped and shook; and they dashed to let his crew know what went down.
So, while they were en route to let his disciples know, Jesus rolls up on them and is like, ‘What’s good!’. And they straight up go to him and grab onto his feet, showing mad love and reverence.
Then Jesus was like, ‘Don’t even trip, fam: tell my squad to meet me in Galilee, that’s where we’ll link up.
So, when they were dipping, some of the security peeps went to the city and spilled the tea to the big shot priests about all the drama.
So, when they all linked up with the elders and discussed, they hooked up the soldiers with some cash flow,
So, they’re saying that his followers, right, came by night and, while we were knocked out, they straight up jacked him.
And if the governor catches wind, we’ll work some persuasion and make sure you’re safe, no cap.
So they copped the cash and followed the instructions like pros. And word on the street is that this rumor is still floating around among the Jews to this day.
So, after all that went down, the eleven homies that ride with Jesus hit up Galilee and went to the spot where Jesus told them to meet.
And when they peeped him, they showed him respect: but some were still on the fence.
And Jesus popped up and started talking to them, like, ‘Listen up fam, just so you know, I’ve got all the power in heaven and earth, you dig? Like, it’s all been handed over to me, no lie.
So, go out there and spread the word to everyone, man. Baptize them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, ya know?
Telling them to follow all the things I’ve told you: and hey, I’ll be with you always, even until the world goes kaput. Amen.