Mark - Gen Z Bible

Mark 1

A’ight, peeps, listen up, this is where it all started – the gospel of Jesus Christ, straight up the Son of God;
Like, it’s written in the prophets, check it out, I’m sending my messenger ahead of you, he’s gonna get everything ready for you before you even arrive.
Yo, listen up! There’s this dude in the middle of nowhere shouting to get ready for the arrival of the Lord. He’s like, ‘Yo, make way for the Lord and smooth out his path.’
Yo, John was out in the middle of nowhere, doing some baptizing and preaching about getting cleansed from your sins. Like, he was all about that repentance, ya know? Bringing that forgiveness of sins vibes.
And like, all the people from Judaea and Jerusalem totally flocked to him and got baptized by him in the Jordan River, fully admitting their wrongdoings.
So, John was rocking a sick outfit made of camel’s hair, and he had a dope belt made of animal skin around his waist. And get this, he was chowing down on locusts and wild honey, like some unconventional snack vibes going on.
And I was like, yo, listen up everybody! Just so you know, there’s gonna be someone even more lit than me coming up next. I mean, I don’t even deserve to mess with his shoe game, like I’m not even on that level to unlace his kicks, you feel me?
Yeah, I’ve gotta say I’ve been doing the whole water baptism thing, but get ready ’cause there’s something way more intense coming your way. He’s gonna hook you up with a Holy Ghost baptism, like next level stuff, you know?
So, back in the day, Jesus rolls up straight outta Nazareth in Galilee and gets baptized by John in the Jordan River.
As soon as he got out of the water, he saw the heavens crack wide open, and the Spirit came down on him like a dove:
Then a voice came from the heavens, like, ‘Dude, you’re totally my beloved Son, and I’m so stoked with you.’
And right away, the Holy Spirit takes him to the middle of nowhere.
So, like, Jesus was chillin’ in the wilderness for like, 40 days, and then Satan comes along to try and mess with him. And brace yourself, bro, ’cause there were even wild beasts hangin’ around! But don’t stress, dude, ’cause the angels were there, too, takin’ care of Jesus and stuff.
So, like, once John got locked up, Jesus rolled into Galilee, spreading the good news about God’s kingdom,
Yo, listen up! It’s go time. The kingdom of God is about to pop off, so it’s time to change your ways and embrace the good news.
So, like, Jesus was walking by the sea of Galilee, when he spotted Simon and Andrew, bros who were out there casting a net into the sea ’cause they were legit fishers.
Yo, Jesus was like, ‘Yo, follow me and I’ll transform y’all into epic human influencers.’
And like, immediately they ditched their nets, and started vibing with him.
And like, when he went a bit further, he spotted James, the son of Zebedee, and his bro, John, who were totally in the ship fixing their nets.
Then he immediately beckoned them over, and they left their dad, Zebedee, in the boat with the hired help, and followed him.
So they rolled up into Capernaum, and on the Sabbath day, Jesus walked right into the synagogue and started spitting straight facts.
And they were shook by his teaching, ’cause he dropped knowledge like a boss, not all boring and traditional like the religious peeps.
So, like, there was this guy at the synagogue who had, like, a really bad spirit inside him, and he started screaming,
They were like, ‘Leave us alone, Jesus of Nazareth! What do we have to do with you? Are you here to wreck us? I totally recognize you, you’re the Holy One of God.’
And Jesus was like, bro, chill out and leave him alone.
And like, this totally wicked spirit was like tearing him apart, and then it like screamed super loudly and bounced out of him.
And everyone was totally shook, like seriously questioning each other, like, What is happening here? What new vibes is this? Like, this dude has such mad authority that even the evil spirits obey him.
And like, word got out super fast about this dude in Galilee. Everyone around there was talking about him, no cap.
And right after they finished up at the synagogue, they headed over to Simon and Andrew’s crib, along with James and John.
So, basically, Simon’s mother-in-law was really sick with a fever and they immediately let him know about it.
Then he came and held her hand, lifting her up; instantly her fever disappeared, and she started serving them.
And at the end of the day, when the sun went down, they brought to him anyone who was sick or struggling with inner demons.
And, like, everyone in the whole city was, like, totally chilling out at the door.
And he like, totally made a bunch of sick people better, you know, those peeps with all sorts of different diseases. Also, he straight up kicked out a bunch of devils. And not gonna lie, he shut those devils up real quick because they recognized him and he wasn’t about that. Like, nah, no talking for you, demons!
Early in the morning, way before the sun was up, he bounced outta there and headed to a chill spot all by himself to have a super deep prayer sesh.
So Simon and his crew straight up chased after him.
And when they finally tracked him down, they were like, ‘Dude, everyone is looking for you!’
And he was like, yo guys, let’s hit up the nearby towns so I can spread my message there too- like that’s the whole reason I’m here, you know?
So, like, Jesus went around preaching in all the synagogues in Galilee and totally casting out demons.
So, there was this leper who went up to Jesus, totally desperate and went down on his knees, and said to Jesus, ‘If you’re down for it, you have the power to heal me and make me clean.’
And Jesus, feeling so much empathy, reached out his hand and touched the person, saying to them, ‘I got you, man; be healed.’
And like, the second he said it, boom, the leprosy was gone and he was totally healed.
And he like, seriously told the guy, and immediately sent him off;
And he’s like, yo don’t tell anyone about this, just bounce and show yourself to the priest. Do all the cleansing stuff Moses told you to do, you know, for them to have proof and stuff.
But he dipped out and straight flexed, spreading the word big time, so much so that Jesus couldn’t even slide into the city without getting mobbed. He had to chill out in the wilderness, but people still came to him from all over the place.

Mark 2

So, like, Jesus was back in Capernaum, and word was out that he was chilling at someone’s place.
And, bro, so many peeps were totally packed in that there was no space, not even by the door. And then Jesus started dropping some wisdom on them.
So, these dudes roll up, carrying their bro who’s completely paralyzed, and it takes four of them to carry him.
And when they couldn’t get through the crowd, they went all out and uncovered the roof where Jesus was. They straight-up broke it open to lower down the bed with their paralyzed bro.
When Jesus saw their lit faith, he was like, ‘Bro, your sins are forgiven.’
So, there were these scribes just pondering stuff, you know.
They were like, ‘Why’s this guy talking like that? Only God can forgive sins, duh!’
And right then, Jesus sensed their deep thoughts and was like, ‘Yo, why you overthinking this?’
Like, what’s easier to say, ‘Bro, your sins are forgiven’ or ‘Get up, take your bed, and walk’?
So, just so you know, the Son of man has the power to forgive sins on earth, okay? He straight-up told the paralyzed dude.
‘Yo, get up, take your bed, and bounce.’
And the dude got up, took his bed, and bounced out. Everyone was shook and praised God, saying, ‘We’ve never seen anything like this!’
So Jesus headed to the beach, and a bunch of peeps gathered around him. He started dropping some wisdom, teaching them dope stuff.
And as he passed by, he spotted Levi, Alphaeus’ kid, chilling at the customs spot. He was like, ‘Yo, come follow me.’ And Levi was like, ‘Sure thing.’ So he dipped and followed Jesus.
Later, Jesus was just chilling at his place, grubbing with his crew, and guess who shows up? Yeah, a bunch of tax collectors and sinners were hanging with Jesus and his squad. They were all about that Jesus life.
When the scribes and Pharisees saw him with tax collectors and sinners, they were like, ‘Why’s he kicking it with them?’
Jesus was like, ‘Listen up, healthy peeps don’t need a doctor, sick ones do. I’m here for the sinners, not the perfect ones.’
So, John’s crew and the Pharisees used to fast. They asked Jesus, ‘Why don’t your squad fast?’
Jesus was like, ‘As long as they’re with the ultimate hype, why would they fast? But when the time comes, they’ll fast.’
You don’t put new patches on old clothes or new juice in old containers. Nah, you need fresh vibes for that new stuff.
Jesus was walking through some corn fields on the Sabbath, and his squad started grabbing some corn.
The Pharisees were like, ‘Why you breaking the rules on the Sabbath?’
Jesus was like, ‘Bruh, ever read what David did when he was starving? Chill.’
This dude rolls up to God’s house and munches on the shewbread, which is only for priests. And he shares it with his crew, like it’s cool!
The Sabbath was made for us, not the other way around.
So, the Son of man is the boss of the Sabbath, you know.

Mark 3

So, Jesus rolls back to the synagogue, and guess who’s there? This dude with a totally messed-up hand.
So, they’re low-key watching him, wondering if he’d actually heal someone on the Sabbath, just to find a way to accuse him. Can you believe it?
Then he tells the dude with the shriveled hand, ‘Yo, step up front.’
And he’s like, ‘Is it cool to do good stuff on the Sabbath, or nah? Like, saving lives or hurting people?’ But the crowd was just silent, man.
And when he peeped the vibe and saw how mad and disappointed they were with their stubbornness and lack of compassion, he told the man, ‘Yo dude, stretch out your hand.’ And without hesitating, the man stretched it out, and his hand became healed, just like the other one. (By the way, “hardness” can also mean blindness.)
So, the Pharisees were totally triggered, and immediately started scheming with the Herodians on how to cancel him.
So Jesus and his crew bounced to the beach: and a massive crew from Galilee started trailing him, along with homies from Judea,
So, word spread from everywhere – Jerusalem, Idumea, even beyond Jordan. People from Tyre and Sidon, a massive crowd, heard about all the amazing things he was doing, and they rolled up.
Then he told his crew to have a lit boat on standby ’cause the crowd was getting too wild, and he didn’t want to get mobbed.
So many people wanted to get close to him because he had healed a bunch of them. They were basically rushing towards him, hoping to touch him, especially those dealing with diseases.
And like, these evil spirits, they saw him and totally bowed down in front of him, like, ‘Yo, you’re the Son of God!’
And he was like, ‘Yo, don’t go around telling everyone about me.’
So, he goes up this mountain, and he’s like, ‘Yo, come here, whoever wants to chill with me.’ And people actually go and hang out with him.
And he picked twelve homies, so they could chill with him, and then he could send them out to spread the word,
And to be able to flex on curing illnesses and tossing away them demons:
And Simon, like, gave Peter a dope new nickname;
Yo, it’s James, Zebedee’s kid, and John, James’ bro. Jesus even gave them a cool nickname – Boanerges, which means the Sons of Thunder.
So, we’ve got Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James (the son of Alphaeus), Thaddaeus, and Simon the Canaanite, all just vibing together.
And Judas Iscariot, who also sold him out: and they went to a crib.
And then a huge crowd gathered again, so busy that they barely had time to grab a bite.
And when his crew heard about it, they rolled up to grab him because they were like, he’s tripping. (or, fam)
So, like, the scribes from Jerusalem were like, ‘Hey, this dude’s using Beelzebub, the big boss of devils, to kick out other devils.’
And he called them over, and started telling them a story, like with all those TikTok trends, you know? He was like, ‘Yo, how is Satan gonna be casting out Satan and stuff? Like, that just doesn’t make sense, right?’
And yo, if a kingdom starts beefing with itself, that kingdom ain’t gonna make it.
Yo, if a squad’s all about inner drama and conflicts, that squad ain’t gonna last.
Yo, if Satan starts beefing with himself and becomes all divided, he ain’t gonna last, man. He’s gonna crumble and fade away.
No one can just walk into a tough guy’s crib and jack his stuff, unless they tie up the tough guy first; then they can swipe all his gear.
Seriously, listen up! I gotta tell you something important. Like, all sins can totally be forgiven for everyone, like no exceptions, bro! And uh, if anyone goes and says some blasphemous stuff, no worries, forgiveness got ya covered!
But anyone who disrespects the Holy Ghost will never find forgiveness and will be at risk of eternal punishment:
They were like, ‘Dude, his spirit is totally jacked up.’
Then his siblings and his mom showed up, and they were outside. They sent a message to him, asking him to come out.
And the squad was chilling with him, and they were like, ‘Yo, your fam outside looking for you, bro.’
And he was like, yo, he answered them and was like, ‘Who’s my fam, like my biological fam or my crew?’
Then he scanned the squad around him and said, ‘Yo, check it out! These people right here are my squad fam!’
Anyone who does what God wants is like fam to me, y’know? They’re my bros, my sis, my ride or die.

Mark 4

So, he started dropping knowledge bombs by the beach, and a huge crowd gathered around him. It was so packed that he had to hop onto a boat and chill in the water while the whole crowd gathered on the shore.
So, he dropped mad knowledge on them with some sick stories and started preaching his truth, yo.
Yo, listen up! Check it, there was this person who went out to plant some seeds:
Yo, so this dude was out there sowing seeds, right? But some of those seeds fell on the path and, like, these birds swooped in and straight up gobbled ’em all up.
And some landed on solid ground, where the soil was shallow, so it quickly grew, but couldn’t go very deep because the ground was too hard:
But once the sun hit, it totally roasted it; and since it didn’t have any strong foundation, it completely shriveled up.
But like, some of the seeds landed in this thorny area, and these thorny plants grew up and basically strangled the seeds, so they couldn’t bear any fruit or anything.
Then, like, some of the seeds fell on dope soil, right? And they totally grew into fruitful plants that like, shot up and multiplied. They produced, like, thirty or sixty or even, like, a hundred times more, man.
And he was like, yo fam, if you got ears, then like, actually listen.
And yo, when he was doin’ his own thing, the homies rollin’ with him, all twelve of ’em, asked him ’bout the story he was tellin’.
And he was like, ‘Guys, you’re totally in the know about the secrets of the Kingdom of God. But, for those outsiders, everything’s being dropped in parables.’
So that when people see, they sort of see but don’t really get it, and when they hear, they kind of hear but don’t fully understand. Otherwise, they might actually get it and have their mistakes forgiven.
And he was like, yo, don’t you guys get this story? Like, if you can’t even understand this one, how you gonna understand all the other stories I drop?
The person planting seeds spreads the message.
So, like, there are these people, right? They’re like on the side, just chillin’. And then the word is dropped on them, you know? But as soon as they hear it, like, Satan swoops in, super fast, and snatches away the word that was dropped into their hearts.
And these are the ones who are like planting seeds on rocky ground; when they hear the message, they instantly vibe with it and feel stoked about it;
They’re like plants without deep roots, so they only last for a while. When troubles or haters come because of what they believe, they get all offended right away and stumble.
And these are the ones who get caught up in distractions and social pressures; those who actually listen to what’s being said,
So there’s this thing, right? The concerns of this world, the trickery of money, and the intense cravings for other things sneak in and suffocate the message, making it unproductive.
And these are the ones who are planted in good soil; those who listen to the message, accept it, and produce fruit—some thirty, some sixty, and some a hundredfold.
He was like, yo, why would you bring a candle just to hide it under a basket or a bed? It’s meant to be put on a freaking candle holder, duh!
Yo, nothing stays hidden forever, everything’s gonna get revealed eventually. Ain’t no secrets meant to stay quiet, they’re bound to spread far and wide.
Yo, if anyone out there has ears, then actually, like, use ’em and listen up.
Yo, listen up fam! Pay attention to what you hear, ’cause whatever you dish out to others, that’s what’s gonna come back to you. And peeps who really listen and take it in, they’re gonna get even more, aight?
If you’ve got it, you’ll get even more. But if you don’t, you’ll lose whatever you have left.
And he was like, yo, the kingdom of God is lit, it’s like when someone drops some mad seeds into the ground, you know?
And like, you know, when you’re sleeping and then suddenly it’s morning, and then it’s night again? And then, boom! The plants are just growing all on their own, like, magically. And, like, we don’t even know how it happens, man.
Yo, the earth does its thing and produces fruit on its own. First, you got the sprout, then the bud, and finally, the fully grown corn in the husk.
But as soon as the fruit pops up, he’s ready to gather it because it’s harvest time.
Yo, check it. He was like, how can we even describe the kingdom of God? Like, what can we compare it to?
Imagine a tiny mustard seed, smaller than any other seed you can think of, being planted in the ground:
But, like, when it’s all planted and stuff, it starts growing, and it becomes, like, way bigger than all the other plants, and it sprouts these massive branches, you know? So, like, birds can totally chill and find shade under it, up in the sky.
And Jesus told them many stories like this, speaking to them in a way they could understand.
But, like, Jesus only spoke to them using stories, you know? And when they were alone, he explained everything to his disciples. Pretty cool, right?
So, when it got late in the day, Jesus was like, ‘Yo, let’s cruise to the other side.’
And after they dismissed the crowd, they hopped on the boat with Jesus just the way he was. And there were a few other small boats cruising along with them too.
So, like, this huge storm came out of nowhere, with crazy strong winds and these massive waves crashing into the ship, like, the ship was totally getting filled up and stuff.
And he was chillin’ in the back of the boat, knocked out on a comfy pillow: and his homies woke him up like, ‘Bro, don’t you even care if we totally go down?’
Then he got up and told the wind to calm down, saying to the sea, ‘Chill out, relax.’ And just like that, the wind stopped and everything became super peaceful.
And they were like, freaking out, and they’re all like, ‘Yo, what kind of dude is this? He’s got mad control over the wind and the sea!’

Mark 5

So, they sailed to the other side of the sea, heading towards the place called Gadarenes.
So, like, when he got off the boat, there was this dude, coming straight outta the tombs, and he was possessed by, like, an evil spirit.
There was this dude who used to live among the tombs. No one could even try to restrain him, not even with chains, man!
This guy was always getting tied up with chains and stuff, but he would just break free like it was no big deal. No one could even try to control him, he was that wild.
He was always up in the mountains and chilling in the tombs, straight up crying and hurting himself with stones, day and night.
But when he spotted Jesus from a distance, he dashed over and totally praised him!
And I yelled really loud, like, seriously loud, and I was like, Jesus, what’s up? You’re like the Son of the most high God, right? So, I’m begging you, like, seriously, begging you, don’t mess with me and make things worse.
He told the unclean spirit, like, ‘Yo, get out of the dude.’
Then he’s like, yo what’s your name? And the dude’s like, I’m Legion, man. We deep in numbers, bro.
And he was like, pleading so hard for him not to kick them out of the hood.
So like, there were these sick pigs chilling, feasting near the mountains.
And all the demons were like, ‘Yo, Jesus, bro, can you like, send us into those pigs? We totally wanna possess them, man.’
So Jesus was like, ‘Okay, you can go now!’ And then those creepy spirits just left the people and possessed the pigs instead. The whole herd went berserk and ran super fast down a cliff, right into the sea. There were like, 2000 of them and they all drowned. Yikes!
So the people taking care of the pigs totally dipped and spread the word in the city and countryside. Everyone was curious AF and went to check out the situation.
So, they go up to Jesus, and they spot this dude who was totally under the devil’s control, like possessed and stuff. But now he’s just chilling there, fully dressed, and totally sane. And let me tell you, they were shook!
And the people who saw it explained to them what happened to the person who was possessed by the devil and also about the pigs.
So, like, they were totally begging him to leave their area.
When he got onto the ship, the dude who was all messed up with the devil started begging him to let him roll with him.
But Jesus was like, nah bro, you can’t come with us. Instead, go home to your squad and spill the tea about all the amazing things the Lord has done for you. He’s totally got mad love for you, fam.
Then he bounced, and started flexing in Decapolis about all the epic stuff Jesus did for him, and everyone was mind-blown.
And when Jesus hopped back on the ship and sailed to the other side, a bunch of people gathered around him, getting really close to the sea.
Yo, check it out! This leader from the synagogue named Jairus rolls up, and when he peeped Jesus, he straight up falls down at his feet.
And I was like, seriously begging him, like, ‘Yo, my little sister is almost dying and stuff. Can you, like, please come and put your hands on her so she can be all good and stuff? And I promise you, she will totally live.’
So Jesus was like, ‘Sure, let’s go!’ And a bunch of people were like, ‘Yo, Jesus is going!’ And they all started crowding around him.
So there was this girl, right, who had been dealing with a serious blood problem for, like, twelve whole years,
So this girl had gone through so many doctors, spent all her money, and things just kept getting worse instead of better.
When she found out about Jesus, she snuck through the crowd and reached out to touch his swag.
She’s like, ‘If I just touch his clothes, I’ll be completely healed.’
And like, immediately the flow of her blood was, like, totally stopped; and she, like, literally felt in her body that she was healed from that terrible disease.
And Jesus, like, instantly realizing that power had gone out of him, turned around in the crowd and was like, ‘Yo, who just touched my clothes?’
And his squad was like, broooo, you see all these people crowding around you, and you ask, like, who just touched you?
And he scoped out the scene to find the one who pulled off this move.
But the woman was shook, like seriously shook, and she knew what went down in her. So, she went up to him, dropped to the floor, and spilled all the tea.
And he was like, ‘Yo, girl, your faith is legit, it healed you and stuff. So now you can start living your best life in peace, totally free from that stupid affliction.’
As he was still talking, some people from the leader of the synagogue’s house came and said, ‘Your daughter is dead. Why do you bother the Master anymore?’
When Jesus heard what was said, he told the synagogue leader, ‘No need to stress, just have faith!’
And he didn’t let anyone else come with him, except for Peter, James, and John, who is James’ bro.
So he goes to the crib of the big-shot synagogue leader and peeps the wild scene with folks straight up losing it, crying and wailing like no tomorrow.
And after he entered, he said to them, Why are you freaking out and crying? The girl isn’t dead, she’s just asleep.
And they totally clowned on him. But then he kicked everyone out, and he grabbed the girl’s parents and his crew, and went inside where the girl was chilling.
Then he held the girl’s hand and said to her, ‘Hey sis, get up!’ (Talitha cumi means ‘damsel, I say to you, arise’ BTW).
And like, the girl immediately got up and started walking; she was, like, totally twelve years old. And everyone was, like, super astonished, like OMG!
He made it clear to them that nobody should find out; and he told them to get something for her to eat.

Mark 6

So, he bounced from that place and cruised back to his hometown, with his squad rolling deep.
Come Sabbath, he started dropping wisdom bombs at the synagogue, blowing everyone’s minds like, ‘Where did this dude learn all this? And how’s he so woke, pulling off these epic moves?’
Hold up, ain’t this the guy who’s been grinding as a carpenter? Mary’s son, with siblings James, Joses, Juda, and Simon? And don’t we know his sisters? But yeah, they couldn’t handle his vibe.
Jesus straight up told them, like, ‘A prophet ain’t big in his own ends, with his fam, or even in his own crib.’
And there, he couldn’t flex any epic miracles, just healing a few sick peeps with a touch.
And he was shook by their lack of belief. So he hit up all the villages, dropping knowledge and schooling everyone.
So he grouped up his squad of twelve and paired them up, sending them out equipped to battle evil vibes.
And He told them to travel light, just a staff, no bag, no snacks, no cash. By the way, cash means coins, but here, it’s all about that money.
But rock your kicks and don’t double up on jackets.
And he was like, when you crash at a spot, just chill until it’s time to bounce.
And if anyone disses you or blanks your wisdom, shake off the dust and keep it moving. Trust me, it’ll be easier for Sodom and Gomorrah on judgment day than for that city.
So they dipped, spreading the word to change up their game.
They kicked out loads of bad vibes, gave sick peeps a chill healing session, and got them feeling fly.
So, King Herod caught wind of John the Baptist, ’cause his rep was blowing up. Herod was like, ‘This dude must’ve come back from the dead with these crazy moves!’
Some peeps were like, ‘Yo, he’s Elias.’ Others were like, ‘Nah, he’s definitely a prophet, or like, one of the OG prophets.’
But when Herod found out, he was like, ‘OMG, it’s John, the dude I took out! And now he’s back, like, what?’
So Herod got involved, locked up John because of Herodias, his brother’s ex. Herod even married her… pretty messed up, right?
John straight up called out Herod for breaking the rules by being with his bro’s ex.
Herodias had major beef with John, wanting him gone, but she couldn’t pull it off, ya know?
Herod respected John, knowing he was on another level of righteousness. He listened to him, did stuff because of him, and low-key vibed with him.
So, when the perfect time came, Herod threw a lit birthday bash for his VIPs, the lords, officers, and big shots from Galilee.
When Herodias’ daughter blew everyone away with her dance, Herod was like, ‘Ask for anything, I gotchu.’
And he swore to her, offering anything, even half his kingdom.
So she asked her mom, ‘What should I get?’ Her mom said, ‘Bring me John the Baptist’s head.’
She rushed to the king, demanding John’s head on a plate.
Herod was bummed, but couldn’t break his promise or look weak in front of his crew.
So, he sent a ruthless dude to handle it. They chopped off John’s head in prison, one of his guards did the deed.
Then they served up his head on a plate to her mom.
When his squad heard, they rolled up, handled his body, and laid it in a tomb.
The apostles gathered around Jesus, spilling the tea on their hustle, teaching, and all.
Jesus was like, ‘Let’s dip from this chaos, find a chill spot to recharge. People won’t let up, and we haven’t even eaten!’
So they dipped to a remote spot by ship, keeping it low-key.
But the crowd peeped, recognized Jesus, and rushed there from all over.
Jesus felt for them, lost with no guide, so he schooled them.
His squad was like, ‘Bro, it’s a desert here and late!’
Jesus said, ‘Tell them to bounce, find food in the towns.’ They were running on empty.
They were like, ‘Bro, seriously? Spend mad cash on bread?’
Jesus was like, ‘Check what you got.’ They had five loaves and two fish.
He said, ‘Chill, sit down.’
They organized in groups of 150.
Jesus blessed the loaves and fish, distributed them, and everyone ate.
They were stuffed.
They collected twelve baskets of leftovers.
Around 5K dudes chowed down.
Jesus told them to ship out while he dismissed the crowd.
Then he bounced to a mountain to vibe with God.
When it got dark, the ship was in the sea, Jesus was on land.
He peeped them struggling against the wind, around 3 or 4 in the morning, and strolled on water to them.
They thought he was a ghost and freaked.
But Jesus was like, ‘Chill, it’s me.’
He hopped on, and the wind stopped. They were amazed!
Their hearts were stubborn, missing the point.
They reached Gennesaret.
They recognized Jesus instantly.
They spread the word; anyone sick could find Jesus.
Sick folks crowded wherever he went, touching his clothes and getting healed.

Mark 7

So, like, these Pharisees and some of the scribes from Jerusalem were all up in Jesus’ grill.
When these cats peeped some of his squad just kickin’ it and munchin’ bread without scrubbing their hands, they started trippin’, like, ‘Ew, those hands are crusty!’
The Pharisees and all the Jewish crew, they won’t grub unless they’re scrubbin’ their hands like crazy. They’re all about stickin’ to the OG customs, ya dig? Like, up to their elbows, you feel me?
And when they come back from the market, they gotta wash up before they can munch. And they got all these other traditions, like washing their cups, pots, shiny utensils, and even their tables. (FYI: A sextarius is like a pint and a half!)
So, the Pharisees and scribes were straight-up grillin’ Jesus, asking why his squad wasn’t following the old-school customs of the elders and were grubbin’ on bread without washing up, dude?
He came back at ’em, quoting Isaiah, like, “Yo, you hypocrites! Isaiah called you out, saying, ‘These peeps honor me with their lips, but their hearts be far from me.’”
But real talk, it’s whack for them to worship me when they’re all about teaching human-made rules instead of my true teachings.
Y’all ditchin’ God’s rules for human traditions, like scrubbin’ pots and cups and all that extra stuff.
And he straight-up said, “Y’all are negatin’ what God said just to cling to your own traditions.”
Moses laid it down, like, ‘Respect your folks big time – no cap!’ And if anyone disses their parents, they’re asking for trouble, ’cause it’s real serious, fam. Like, they’re askin’ for a one-way ticket to trouble, ya feel?
And they don’t let him do anything more for his parents anymore;
Like, you’re cancelin’ out God’s word by stickin’ to your old-school tradition that you passed down. And let’s be real, there’s plenty of other stuff you do that’s just as lame.
So, he got the squad together and was like, ‘Listen up, y’all! Pay attention to what I’m droppin’, aight?’
So, like, fam, hear me out. It’s not about what’s on the outside that makes you unclean, aight? It’s what comes from inside you, bro. That’s what really messes you up, you know?
If anyone’s got ears, they better listen up.
And when he bounced back after chillin’ with everyone, his crew asked him about the story he just dropped.
And he’s like, ‘Yo, don’t y’all get it? Anything that goes into a person from outside can’t mess ’em up, ya feel?
‘Cause it goes into your stomach, not your heart, and then it’s all flushed out, cleanin’ out all the grub?’
And he’s like, ‘Yo, it ain’t about what goes into you that messes you up, it’s what comes out that messes you up.’
So, like, all the messed-up stuff comes from deep inside, you know? Evil thoughts, hookups, doing it before tying the knot, and even throwin’ hands, man.
Stealin’, coveting, bein’ wicked and deceitful, doin’ shady stuff, havin’ a jealous vibe, disrespectin’ God, bein’ cocky, actin’ stupid:
It’s wild how all this messed-up stuff comes from inside us and messes up who we are, like contaminates us, you know?
Then he dipped to Tyre and Sidon, tryna lay low, but you know how it is, can’t always stay under the radar, man. He couldn’t keep it low-key.
There was this dope chick whose little girl was strugglin’ with some serious negativity. When she heard about Jesus, she rushed over and straight up fell at his feet like, ‘Yo, help us out!’
There was this girl, right? She was Greek, like a total Syrophenician and all. Anyway, she rolled up to this dude and straight up asked him to help her get rid of the devil messin’ with her daughter. Like, she needed some major help, you know?
Jesus was like, ‘Yo lady, chill. Let the kids eat first, ’cause it ain’t cool to take their food and give it to the dogs.’
And she’s like, ‘Yeah, for sure, Lord: even the dogs get to munch on the kids’ crumbs under the table.’
He was like, ‘Yo, you’re all good now. The devil bounced outta your daughter.’
When she got home, she saw the devil was outta there, and her daughter was just chillin’ on the bed.
So, Jesus bounced from Tyre and Sidon and rolled up to the sea of Galilee, cruisin’ through the Decapolis hood.
There was this cat who couldn’t hear and was strugglin’ to talk, and they’re like, ‘Hey, dude, can you please touch him?’
Then he pulled him away from the crew, stuck his fingers in the dude’s ears, spit, and tapped his tongue;
And he looked up to heaven, kinda sighed, and said, ‘Yo, Ephphatha, which means like, ‘Be opened’.
Suddenly, his ears were clear, and his tongue was loose, and he spoke straight.
He told them to keep it on the down-low, but the more he told them, the more they spread it like wildfire;
And we were blown away, like, for real, sayin’, ‘He killed it in every way possible: he made the deaf hear, and the mute talk, yo.

Mark 8

Yo, way back when, there were mad people, straight up starving, like, no food in sight. Then Jesus was like, ‘Yo fam, come here!’
I’m feeling for these homies, they’ve been rolling with me for, like, three days straight, and they’re straight-up starving, like, no snacks, nada.
And if I send them home without food, they’ll totally pass out on the way ’cause, you know, some of them came from, like, super far.
And his squad’s like, bro, where in the world are we gonna find enough bread out here in the middle of nowhere?
He’s like, ‘Yo, how much bread y’all got?’ And they’re like, ‘We got seven.’
So he’s like, ‘Yo, everyone, take a seat on the ground.’ Then he grabs these seven loaves, says thanks, breaks ’em, and hands ’em to his squad to pass out to the peeps. And guess what? They do just that.
And they got a few little fishes: and he blesses them, and tells the crew to serve up the fish to everyone too.
Around four thousand people totally feast, and then he’s like, peace out.
Then he hops on a boat quick with his squad, and they sail over to Dalmanutha.
So, like, the Pharisees roll up and start throwing all these questions at him, asking for some major divine sign, just trying to trip him up.
And he’s like, really ticked off inside, and he’s like, why’s this generation always hunting for some insane proof? For real, I’m telling you, they ain’t gonna get any proof at all.
And he dips, hops back on the ship, and sails off to the other side.
So, like, the squad totally spaced and forgot to bring any bread. And get this, they only had one loaf with them in the ship.
Yo, listen up, squad! Be careful and stay woke ’cause we gotta watch out for the negative vibes from the Pharisees and Herod. Don’t let their negativity mess with your faith.
And they’re like, dude, we’re out of bread.
And when Jesus finds out, he’s like, ‘Why are you freaking out about not having bread? Don’t you get it yet? Can’t you see or understand? Is your mind still closed off?’
Like, do you even see with your eyes? And do you even hear with your ears? And like, do you even remember stuff?
When I shared out the five loaves among the five thousand, how many baskets did you guys collect as leftovers? They’re like, ‘Um, twelve.’
Yo, when we had seven loaves and fed like four thousand people, how many baskets full of leftovers did we collect? And they’re like, ‘Seven, dude.’
And he’s like, seriously, why don’t you get it?
So Jesus rolls to Bethsaida, and they bring a blind dude to him, begging him for a touch.
Then he grabs the blind dude’s hand and takes him out of town. Then he, like, spits on the guy’s eyes, and then puts his hands on him. Then he straight up asks him if he can see anything.
And he’s like, looking up and he’s like, yo, I see these guys, and they look like trees but they’re walking and stuff.
Then he touches his eyes again, and like, he opens them and can see perfectly, no joke. He sees everyone clearly, like, no blurry vision or anything.
And he’s like, ‘Yo, go home, dude. But don’t even think about hitting up the town or spreading the word to anyone there.’
So Jesus and his squad roll into the towns of Caesarea Philippi. As they’re chilling, Jesus turns to his crew and throws a question at ’em: ‘Yo, who do people say I am?’
And they’re like, ‘Yo, some say John the Baptist,’ but then some are like, ‘Nah, he’s Elias,’ and others are even saying, ‘Maybe one of the prophets, you know?’
And he’s like, yo, who do you guys say I am? And Peter’s like, dude, you’re the Christ.
And he’s like, yo, don’t go spreading the word about that, cool?
So, like, Jesus starts dropping some wisdom on his squad. He tells them that He, being the Son of Man, is gonna go through a ton of rough times, get totally dissed by the OGs like the elders, chief priests, and scribes, and even get taken out. But don’t stress, fam, ’cause after three days, He’s gonna bounce back and come back stronger.
And he straight up says that. And Peter’s like, ‘Wait a sec!’ and starts giving him a hard time.
But when he turns around and looks at his squad, he calls out Peter, saying, ‘Get outta here, dude, you’re on some Satan-level vibes! You’re not about what God’s about, you’re all about that worldly stuff.’
And when Jesus gathers everyone, including his disciples, he tells them, if you wanna roll with me, first thing you gotta do is let go of your ego, embrace the tough times, and walk the same path as me.
If anyone tries to hold onto their life, they’ll end up losing it. But those who are willing to let go of their life for my sake and the good news will actually save it.
Like imagine, what’s the point of flexing big time and getting all the clout in the world, if you end up losing your own essence?
Like, seriously, what can a person even offer to trade for their soul?
If anyone is embarrassed to hang with me and my words in this messed up and sinful generation, then I’ll also be embarrassed of them when I come back in full glory with my heavenly crew.

Mark 9

Yo, peep this, fam, real talk: Some of y’all ain’t gonna dip until you see the kingdom of God in all its glory, swear.
So, like, after six days, Jesus rolls with Peter, James, and John, takes ’em up this mega mountain, away from everyone else. And bam! Jesus starts shining, transforming right in front of ’em.
His drip? Next level, shining brighter than fresh snow, like no fashion label could pull that off.
Then, Elias and Moses pop in, shooting the breeze with Jesus.
Peter’s like, ‘Yo Jesus, this spot is fire! Let’s pitch three dope tents – one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elias.’
He’s shook, no clue what to say, scared stiff.
Then this massive cloud covers ’em, and a voice booms out, ‘Yo, listen up! This here’s my beloved Son, for real. Listen to what he’s gotta say!’
And just like that, when they turn around, it’s like, ‘Uh, where’d everyone go?’ Just Jesus, chilling with ’em.
When they bounce from the mountain, Jesus tells ’em to keep mum ’til he’s back from the dead.
And they’re like, keeping that gem in their minds, hashing out what it means to rise from the dead.
So, they’re like, ‘Why do the scribes say Elias gotta roll first?’
And he’s like, ‘Yo, check it! Elias is coming, gonna fix stuff up. But peep this: I’m gonna go through some tough times, get no respect.’
Real talk! Elias already came, got trashed, just like the script said.
When he swings back to the squad, there’s a huge crowd, and the thinkers are grilling ’em.
Soon as they spot him, they’re mind-blown, rushing over.
He’s like, ‘What’s with all the chatter, scribes?’
So this dude steps up like, ‘Hey, Master, I brought my son to you, he’s messed up, you know?’
Wherever the spirit grabs him, he flips out, teeth grinding, wasting away. I asked your crew to boot him, but they couldn’t handle it.
Jesus is like, ‘Yo, this crew got zero faith. How long I gotta hang? How long I gotta deal with y’all? Bring him here.’
They bring him, and when Jesus sees him, the spirit bounces, tossing him around. Dude falls, convulsing, foaming.
Jesus asks when it started, and his dad’s like, since he was a kid.
This thing’s been wrecking him, tossing him in fire and water, trying to wreck him. But if you can do something, have pity, help us out.
Jesus is like, ‘If you believe, anything’s possible, bro.’
Dad’s like, ‘I believe, but help my doubts, yo.’
Jesus calls the spirit out, ‘Yo, mute and deaf spirit, bounce and never come back.’
Spirit freaks, then splits. Dude’s out cold, people think he’s dead.
Jesus helps him up, and he’s good.
Back at the crib, his homies are like, ‘Why couldn’t we handle that, Jesus?’
He’s like, ‘Only prayer and fasting can handle this.’
They dip to Galilee, laying low.
Jesus tells his squad, ‘I’m getting handed over, gonna get taken out. But chill, three days later, I’m back.’
They’re clueless, too scared to ask.
In Capernaum, Jesus asks about their squabble.
They stay quiet, arguing who’s top dog.
Jesus sits, gathers ’em, says, ‘To be great, be a servant.’
Grabs a kid, puts him front and center, says,
‘Welcoming a kid like this, welcomes me. And me? Welcomes the Big Boss.’
John’s like, ‘We shut down this dude casting out demons in your name, ’cause he ain’t with us.’
Jesus is like, ‘Chill, he’s cool. Anyone doing miracles in my name ain’t dissing me.’
Anyone not against us is with us, fam.
If someone hooks you up ’cause you’re repping Christ, they’re blessed, no lie!
Mess with one of these believers? You’re toast, fam. Better off in the ocean with a weight tied to you.
If something trips you up, cut it out. Better to roll with one hand than burn forever.
In that place where the fire keeps blazing.
If something drags you down, ditch it. Better to struggle here than suffer forever.
Where the fire never dies, and the worm never stops.
If something online messes with you, block it. Better to be with God than drown in drama.
Where your followers stay forever, and the flame keeps burning.
Everyone’s on fire, and sacrifices get that extra kick with salt.
Salt’s crucial. Lose its flavor, what’s the point? Stay spicy and spread the love, fam.

Mark 10

And he totally bounced from there and headed to the chill spots of Judaea on the other side of the Jordan. And the crowd swarmed him once again, just like before, and he kicked off with the teachings once more.
Then the Pharisees rolled up on him and straight up asked, ‘Is it cool for a guy to ditch his girl? Testing him out.’
And he was like, yo, what did Moses tell you to do?
And they were like, yo, Moses was cool with writing a note to break up with his girl.
And Jesus was like, ‘Listen up, y’all! I gotta break it down for you. The reason why He gave you this command was because your hearts were too stubborn to get it.’
But like, straight up, from the jump, God totally made two genders – male and female.
That’s why a guy will dip from his fam and stick with his girl;
And these two peeps will become one: and so, they’re no longer two, but one.
So, like, if God brings two people together, don’t let anyone split them up, okay?
And in the crib, his crew asked him again about the same .
And he’s like, yo, anyone who breaks up with their girl and gets with someone else, that’s straight up cheating.
And like, if a girl decides to leave her guy and gets with someone else, she’s straight up committing adultery, no cap.
So, there were these peeps who brought some kids to Jesus, hoping that he would bless them with a touch. But guess what? His squad was all like, ‘Hey, chill! We don’t need these kids crowding up the place!’
When Jesus saw that, he got pretty annoyed and was like, ‘Yo, let the little kids come to me and don’t even think about stopping them. ‘Cause those kiddos are all about God’s kingdom, you know.’
Listen up, fam! If you don’t embrace the kingdom of God with a childlike heart, you won’t get in, period.
And he gave them a big hug, gave them high fives, and sent them good vibes.
And while he was walking, someone came running up to him and got down on their knees, asking him, ‘Hey, awesome teacher! What do I gotta do to get that eternal life?’
And Jesus was like, yo dude, why you callin’ me good? Only one who’s truly good, and that’s God, bro.
You know the rules, like don’t cheat on your bae, don’t take someone’s life, don’t swipe their stuff, don’t spread lies, don’t scam them, and always give props to your parents.
And he’s like, yo, I gotta be real with you, Master. Like, I’ve been keeping up with all this stuff since I was a youngin’.
Yo, Jesus peeped this dude and felt love for him, and he straight up told him, ‘Bruh, you lack just one thing: bounce outta here, sell all your stuff, and give it to those in need, and you’ll be stacking up heavenly riches. Also, come through, grab that cross, and roll with me.’
And he was totally bummed out by what was said, and walked off feeling super down: ’cause he had, like, a ton of stuff.
So Jesus, like, scoped out the scene and was all like, ‘Yo, to my crew, you feel me? It’s gonna be, like, mad tough for those loaded peeps to get into God’s kingdom, ya know?’
The disciples were like, totally shook by what Jesus said. But yo, Jesus dropped more knowledge and was like, ‘Listen up, fam, it’s mad difficult for those who rely on money to get into God’s kingdom!’
Like, seriously, it’s hella easier for a camel to squeeze through the eye of a needle than for some rich dude to make it into God’s kingdom.
And they were like, totally shook, saying to themselves, like, who can ever be saved, though?
And Jesus was like, yo fam, peep this: On the real, it’s straight up impossible for humans, but let me tell you, ain’t nothin’ impossible when it comes to God. He’s got the mad skills to make anything happen.
Yo, Peter was like, ‘Bro, check it. We dropped everything and straight up started rollin’ with you.’
And Jesus was like, yo, listen up fam. For real though, hear me out. There ain’t nobody out there who’s ditched their crib, their bros and sisters, their oldies, their spouse, their kiddos, or their land just for me and the good news I’m bringing.
But he’s gonna get, like, a hundred times more cool stuff in this life, you know? Like awesome houses, new bros, lit sisters, awesome moms, cool kids, and even sick lands! But, here’s the twist – he’ll also face some haters and challenges. And, yo, if that ain’t enough, in the next life, he’s gonna score that eternal life vibe. No joke!
But, like, a lot of peeps who think they’re at the top are gonna end up at the bottom, and the ones who started out at the bottom will actually be first. It’s all about the unexpected flips, yo.
So they were all on their way to Jerusalem, with Jesus leading the pack. The disciples were totally shook and totally in awe. But then, they started feeling mad scared as they followed. Jesus noticed this and gathered the twelve close, and started spilling the tea on what was about to go down with him.
Yo, listen up! We’re heading to Jerusalem, and guess what? The Son of man is gonna get handed over to the big bosses – the chief priests and the scribes. And you won’t believe it, but they’re gonna condemn Him to death! After that, they’re gonna pass Him on to the Gentiles. Crazy, right?
And they’re gonna totally clown on him, and beat him up, and spit on him, and straight up murder him: but guess what? He’s gonna rise from the dead on the third day, no joke!
So, like, James and John, you know, the sons of Zebedee, they walk up to Jesus and they’re like, ‘Hey, Master, we want you to, like, do whatever we ask of you.’
And he was like, yo, what can I do for y’all?
They were like, ‘Hey, can we chill with you in your glory? Like, one of us on your right and the other on your left?’
But Jesus was like, yo, you guys have no idea what you’re asking for: are you able to handle the same challenges and experiences that I’m going through?
And they were like, ‘Yeah, we can totally handle that.’ And Jesus was like, ‘For sure, you will have a taste of the same challenges as me, and you will go through the same intense experiences as me.’
But I can’t just decide who gets to chill on my right and left side; it’s not up to me. It’s reserved for those who are meant to be there.
And when the squad heard it, they totally lost it on James and John.
But Jesus gathered them around and said, ‘You know how those in power among the non-believers enjoy bossing people around, and their elites love throwing their weight around.’
But it’s not gonna be like that for you. If you wanna be super awesome, you gotta be a total servant, dude.
And whoever among you wants to be the top dog, gotta be the ultimate squad member.
Yo, even Jesus himself didn’t come to be served, but to serve and sacrifice his life as a ransom for many, fam.
So they arrived at Jericho, and as Jesus was leaving with his squad and a huge crowd, there was this blind dude named Bartimaeus, who was Timaeus’ son, posted up by the road begging.
When he found out it was Jesus from Nazareth, he started freaking out and yelled, ‘Yo, Jesus, you’re the real deal, Son of David! Show me some love, man!’
A bunch of people were telling him to shut up, but he shouted even louder, saying, ‘Yo, Son of David, have mercy on me!’
So Jesus, like, stops right there and tells his crew to call the blind dude. They’re like, ‘Yo, dude, cheer up! Get up, he wants to talk to you.’
Then, he ditched his outfit, got up, and went over to Jesus.
And Jesus was like, ‘Yo dude, what can I do for you?’ And the blind man was all like, Lord, I just wanna be able to see again.’
And Jesus was like, ‘Yo, go about your business; your faith is what made you whole, fam.’ And right then and there, homeboy got his sight back and started rollin’ with Jesus.

Mark 11

And as they rolled up near Jerusalem, like, in Bethphage and Bethany, by the mount of Olives, he’s like, ‘Yo, go send two of my squad members,’
Yo, listen up, fam! Head to the village right across from you. Once you get there, you’ll spot a sick colt tied up. No one has ever ridden on it before, so set it free and bring it back here.
And if someone asks you why are you doing this? Just tell them that the Lord needs it, and they’ll send it right away.
So, like, they headed out and spotted the colt tied up by the door in a spot where two roads crossed, and they set it free.
And some of the people standing there asked them, ‘Yo, what are you doing, untying that colt?’
So, like, they did what Jesus said and, like, let them go, just as He told them to do.
So they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their clothes on it, and he sat on it like a boss.
And a bunch of people placed their clothes on the pavement, while others grabbed tree branches and scattered them on the ground.
And the people who were walking ahead and those who were following behind shouted, saying, OMG; like, this person is totally blessed, coming in the name of the Lord:
Praise the kingdom of our OG, King David, who’s rolling up in the Lord’s name. Hosanna to the max, y’all!
So Jesus rolled into Jerusalem, and he totally checked out the temple. After scoping out everything, and when the sun was setting, he dipped out to Bethany with his squad of twelve.
The next day, after they came from Bethany, Jesus was like super hungry:
And like, he spotted this fig tree from a distance, and it had all these fresh leaves, so he went over to it, hoping to find some figs on there or something. But when he got there, there was literally nothing except leaves because it wasn’t the right time for figs, you know.
Jesus was like, ‘Yo, no one’s gonna munch on your fruit ever again.’ His crew heard what he said.
So, they arrive in Jerusalem, and Jesus rolls up to the temple like a boss. He starts kicking out all those money-making merchants and flipping tables left and right. He even gives the doves-sellers a piece of his mind and sends them packing.
And they didn’t let anyone bring any stuff through the temple.
And he was like, yo listen up, isn’t it written that my crib should be known as a sick place for everybody to pray? But y’all turned it into a literal hideout for thieves. Like seriously? SMH. #prayerGoneWrong #HouseOfThieves
The scribes and chief priests heard what was up and were plotting how to cancel him, since they were shook by his teachings that blew everyone away.
And when the sun went down, he bounced out of the city.
And the next morning, while they were walking, they noticed that the fig tree had totally withered from its roots.
And then Peter, like, remembers and says to Jesus, ‘Yo, look! The fig tree that you cursed is totally dried up and dead.’
And Jesus replied, like, listen up fam, y’all gotta have mad trust in God. I’m talking about like being 110% confident in His power and plan. Trust me, He’s got you covered. Keep it and believe in God’s abilities, ya feel me?
Listen up, fam. I’m telling you the truth: Anyone who confidently tells this mountain to straight up move and dive into the sea, believing deep in their heart that it’ll actually happen, can straight up have whatever they want. No doubt, just mad faith.
So, listen up fam, here’s the deal: Whatever you want, when you pray, just believe you’re gonna get it, and trust me, you gonna have it.
And when you’re in your zone, sending up prayers, make sure you let go of any grudges you’re holding against anyone. That way, your Father up in the heavens can forgive you for any wrongs you’ve done yourself.
But like, if you don’t forgive, then your heavenly Father won’t forgive your wrongdoings, ya know?
So they go back to Jerusalem, and as he’s walking in the temple, the chief priests, the scribes, and the elders approach him.
Yo, like, who gave you the power to do all this stuff? And what’s the deal with your authority anyways?
Yo, Jesus replied to them, like, I’ve got a question for you too. Answer me, and then I’ll let you know where I get the authority to do all these things. And, yo, this question is the real deal, no cap. So, are you ready to spill the tea or what?
Yo, the baptism of John, was it legit from heaven, or was it just something people made up? Give me an answer, fam.
So, like, they were totally having this convo with themselves, and they were like, ‘If we say it’s from heaven, he’s gonna be like, ‘Well, why didn’t you believe him then?’
But if we say, like, they were scared of the people because everyone legit thought John was a total prophet.
They were like, um, Jesus, we have no clue. And Jesus was like, yeah, I’m not gonna spill the tea on how I do my thing either.

Mark 12

So, check it, this dude starts spitting some stories using parables. There’s this guy who decides to start a vineyard, puts a fence around it, sets up the wine-making gear, even throws up a tower. Then, he rents it out to some peeps to look after it while he dips to a far-off place.
Then, when the time’s right, he slides into the farmers’ DMs, asking for some lit grapes from their patch.
But they straight up jump him, beat him down, and send him packing with nada.
So he sends another dude, but they chuck rocks at him, bust his head, treat him like trash, and send him packing.
Then he sends another dude, but they straight up off him, along with a bunch of others. Some get a beatdown, others get smoked.
So, this dude’s got one son left, and he’s his main squeeze. He thinks, sending him, they’ll totally show him some respect.
But the dudes looking after the land are thinking, ‘This guy’s gonna inherit everything. Let’s knock him off and take it all.’
So they grab him, do him dirty, and straight up toss him outta there.
So what’s the play for the vineyard owner? He’s rolling up, wrecking those farmers, and passing the vineyard to someone else.
Yo, y’all seen this scripture? The stone the builders dissed becomes the big boss:
It’s like, the Lord’s work, and it’s mind-blowing, ya know?
So they wanna grab him, but they’re shook of the crowd ’cause they know he’s throwing shade with those stories. So they bounce, do their own thing.
So the Pharisees and Herodians send some dudes to trip him up, trying to get something to use against him.
They’re like, ‘Yo, we know you’re legit, always keeping it real about God’s ways. Is it cool to pay taxes to Caesar or what?’
Should we pay up or what? But Jesus sees right through them, like, why you testing me? Give me a coin and let’s peep it. (By the way, that coin’s worth like seven and a half pennies in our money.)
They bring it, and he’s like, ‘Whose face and name is this?’ And they’re like, ‘Caesar’s, dude.’
Jesus is like, ‘Give Caesar his cut, and give God what’s His.’ Minds blown everywhere.
So the Sadducees roll up, saying there’s no resurrection, and they’re like,
‘Yo, Moses says if a bro dies without kids, his bro should marry his wife to keep the family line, right?’
So, seven bros, first one gets hitched, kicks it, no kids.
Second bro steps up, same deal.
All seven marry her, but no kids. Then she kicks it too.
So, after resurrection, whose wife is she? ‘Cause seven dudes already had her.
Jesus is like, ‘Y’all trippin’, don’t know your scripture or God’s power. Get it together.’
When peeps rise up, no marriage vibes, they’re like angels.
Remember the burning bush? God’s all about the living, not the dead. Y’all off track.
So this scribe hears, sees dude dropping knowledge, and he’s like, ‘What’s the top commandment?’
Jesus says, ‘Love God with everything, and love your neighbor as yourself. That’s the real deal.’
The scribe’s like, ‘For real, dude, you’re close to the kingdom.’ Nobody dares ask him anything after that.
Jesus is teaching, like, ‘The Christ is David’s son, right?’
David, inspired, calls him Lord, but how’s he his son? Peeps feeling it.
Jesus is like, ‘Watch out for the fancy scribblers flexing in public.’
Loving God and loving others, way more than sacrifices. Real talk.
Jesus sees dude’s wisdom, ‘You’re close to the kingdom.’ Nobody asks him nothing after that.
Jesus is teaching, asks about the Christ being David’s son.
David calls him Lord, so how’s he his son? People vibing with it.
Watch out for the scribblers flexing, scamming widows, showing off in synagogues.
Jesus peeping the donations, rich flexing, widow dropping everything.
Widow dropping two mites, Jesus respects her hustle.
They straight-up hustle widows, acting all righteous with their epic prayers – but guess what? They’re in for a major reality check!
So, Jesus was posted up by the treasury, peeping as people dropped their stacks. Let me tell ya, there were some baller rich folks making it rain with those ancient coins. You catch my drift?
Then, this one time, this broke AF widow rolls in and drops two mites, basically chump change. Just so we’re clear, mites are like the tiniest fraction of a coin, you feel me?
Jesus rounds up his crew, lays it down like, ‘Yo fam, listen up. This broke widow right here? She just dropped a bigger bag in the donation box than all those ballers combined.’
While those rich cats were stuntin’ with their stacks, this girl, even though she’s broke, throws down all she’s got, her whole life savings.

Mark 13

So, like, Jesus was bouncing from the temple, and one of his crew was like, ‘Yo, peep these dope stones and buildings!’
Jesus was like, ‘Yo dude, check it, not a single stone’s gonna stay put here. It’s all gonna get wrecked, man.’
Jesus was just chillin’ on the mount of Olives, across from the temple, when Peter, James, John, and Andrew came up for a private chat.
They’re like, ‘Yo, when’s all this gonna happen? How will we know it’s going down?’
Jesus was like, ‘Listen up, pay attention, don’t get fooled by some random stuff, okay?’
A bunch of people will pop up, claiming to be the real deal, saying, ‘I’m ,’ and they’ll fool a bunch of folks.
When you hear about wars and all those rumors, don’t trip, it’s gonna happen. But hold up, the end ain’t here yet.
Different nations will be beefing, kingdoms clashing, earthquakes, famines, straight-up chaos. It’s like the start of some serious wild times.
Watch out for yourselves: they’ll drag you to councils, synagogues, beatings, rulers, kings, all because of me, to speak truth.
Spread the good news to all nations, for real.
When they try to cancel you, don’t stress about what to say, Holy Ghost got you.
It’s gonna get intense, brothers turning on each other, parents betraying kids, kids rebelling, real consequences.
People will hate on you ’cause of me, but hold on till the end, you’ll be saved.
When you see destruction, head to the mountains, as Daniel said.
If you’re on the roof, don’t go back inside.
If you’re out, don’t go back for your stuff.
It’s gonna be tough for pregnant or new moms.
Pray your journey ain’t in winter.
It’s gonna be rough, like never before.
If the Lord hadn’t shortened those days, no one would survive, but He chose to.
Don’t believe anyone saying Christ is here or there.
Fake Christs, fake prophets, trying to deceive even the chosen, wild.
I warned y’all about everything.
After all that, the sun gloomy, moon dark.
Stars falling, sky shaken.
Son of man showing up in mad power.
Angels gathering his crew from everywhere.
Like a fig tree, when it grows, summer’s coming.
When you see these things, it’s about to go down.
Squad won’t bounce till everything’s done.
Heaven and earth may disappear, but my words stay.
No one knows the day or time, only the Father.
Stay woke, peep what’s happening, stay in prayer.
Son of man like a dude going on an epic journey, handing power to his crew.
Stay woke, he could roll up anytime.
Stay alert in case he catches you snoozin’.
Yo, what I’m telling y’all, I’m telling everyone, stay woke.

Mark 14

So, like, in just two days, it was time for the Passover and the whole unleavened bread deal, you know? And, yo, the big priests and the scholars were totally plotting on how to catch this dude, Jesus, on the sly and, like, end his life, for real.
But they were like, nah, not gonna pull that during the big event ’cause it might cause a major scene among the crowd, you know?
So, Jesus was just chilling at Simon the leper’s place in Bethany, you know, having a meal and stuff. Then, out of nowhere, this girl shows up with this fancy alabaster jar full of super expensive spikenard perfume. And she straight up breaks that jar and pours all of it onto Jesus’ head. (P.S. Spikenard is basically, like, pure nard or liquid nard, in case you were wondering).
And some people were totally triggered deep down, and they were like, why the heck was this precious ointment wasted, yo?
That could’ve been sold for way more cash, like over 300 coins, and the money could’ve helped out the less fortunate. But no, some people just had to complain about it.
And Jesus was like, yo, just leave her alone, why you gotta hassle her? She straight up did something really good for me.
You know, there will always be peeps who are struggling in life, and whenever you want, you can totally step up and help them out. But, you won’t always have me by your side, you feel?
She did her best: she came early to anoint my body for burial.
For real, listen up fam, wherever this good news spreads worldwide, people will also talk about what this girl did as a way to remember her.
So, Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve homies, went over to the chief priests, low-key planning to snitch on Jesus to them.
And when they heard that, they were stoked and agreed to slide him some cash. And he tried to figure out a slick way to backstab him.
On the first day of unleavened bread, when they sacrificed the Passover lamb, his squad asked him, ‘Yo, where should we go to get everything ready for you to have the Passover meal?’
So Jesus picked two of his homies and said, ‘Yo, go into the city and you’ll see a dude rocking a water jug. Just chill and follow him.’
And wherever he goes, tell the owner of the house, The Boss says, where’s the chill spot for us to have the Passover feast with my crew?
And he’s gonna show you this awesome, decked-out upper room: it’s totally ready for us, so let’s get it set up there!
So like, Jesus and his squad dipped into the city and actually found everything just like he said. They got everything set up for the Passover celebration, you know?
And at night he rolls up with his squad of twelve.
And like, while they were chilling and munching, Jesus was like, for real, I’m telling y’all, one of y’all who’s eating with me is gonna betray me.
And they were like, totally bummed out, and started asking him individually, ‘Is it… like… is it me?’ and one of them was like, ‘Yo, is it me too?’
And he was like, yo, it’s one of the twelve homies who be dippin’ in the same dish as me.
The Son of man is totally heading out, just like people said he would: but OMG, it’s like a major bummer for the dude who’s gonna betray him! It would legit be better for that guy if he never even existed.
And while they were eating, Jesus grabbed some bread, said a prayer, and broke it into pieces. Then He handed it to them and said, ‘Here, take a bite: this is my body.’
And yo, he grabbed the cup, and after he blessed it, he passed that thing to them: and everybody sipped it.
And he was like, yo listen up y’all, this is my blood, representin’ the new covenant ‘n stuff, like it’s gonna be spilled for so many peeps.
Seriously, listen up, I’m telling you that I won’t be sipping any more grape juice until the day I get to sip it fresh in God’s kingdom.
After jamming out to a lit hymn, they dipped to the mount of Olives.
And Jesus is like, yo, all y’all gonna be shook because of me tonight: ’cause it’s been written, I’m gonna mess with the leader and the squad gonna scatter.
But after I come back to life, I’ll head to Galilee before you do.
But Peter was like, ‘Bro, even if everyone else dips out, I am so NOT gonna bail on you.’
And Jesus was like, yo dude, listen up. I’m telling you straight up, today, even tonight, before the rooster crows twice, you’re gonna deny me three times.
But he like totally said even more loudly, if I had to go down with you, there’s no way I’m gonna pretend like I don’t know you. All the others were like, same, dude.
So they arrived at this spot called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his crew, ‘Yo, chill here while I take a moment to pray.’
And he’s like, yo, he brings Peter, James, and John with him, and he starts to be super shocked and really sad;
And He’s like, ‘Yo, guys, my soul is seriously hurting to the point where I feel like I’m dying. Can you just stay here with me and keep an eye out?
Then he moved up a bit, dropped to the ground, and prayed that, if it could happen, the tough time could be avoided.
And he was like, ‘Yo, Dad, you can totally do anything; if it’s possible, please don’t make me go through this tough time, but ultimately, I trust your plan more than my own.’
So he comes and sees them sleeping, and says to Peter, ‘Simon, are you seriously sleeping? Couldn’t you stay up for just one hour?’
Yo, stay woke and pray, or you gonna fall into temptation. Like, the soul is all down, but the body be weak, you feel me?
Then he dipped out again, took a moment to vibe, and said the exact same stuff.
And like, when he came back, he saw them all dozing off again, (because they were hella tired,) and they didn’t even know how to respond to him.
And he comes back for the third time, and he’s like, ‘Y’all can go ahead and keep sleeping and chilling now. We’re good. The time has come, check it out – the Son of man is about to be handed over to a bunch of sinners.’
Let’s bounce, y’all! Watch out, the one who’s about to betray me is right here.
And, like right away, while he was still talking, Judas shows up, one of the twelve, and he brings a huge crowd armed with swords and clubs. They’re all from the chief priests, the scribes, and the elders.
And the one who snaked him out gave them a heads up, like, ‘I’ll give a smooch to the person who’s the target; that’s the one, grab ’em and make sure they’re safe.
And when he arrived, he went straight to him and said, ‘Sup, dude?’ and gave him a fist bump.
And they grabbed him and took him away.
Then this dude next to Jesus straight up pulls out a sword and slashes the high priest’s servant, chopping off his ear. No chill at all.
And Jesus was like, yo, why y’all pullin’ up on me like I’m some kinda criminal, armed with swords and sticks?
I was with you every day teaching in the temple, but you didn’t pay attention to me. However, the scriptures had to be fulfilled.
And then, like, they all totally abandoned him and, like, ran away.
There was this young dude who was rockin’ a cool linen cloth outfit around his body, and then some other young dudes grabbed him.
And he ditched his robe and bolted away from them, butt naked.
So they brought Jesus to the high priest, and all the top priests, old dudes, and smart guys gathered there too.
And Peter was like, chilling at the back, following Jesus as he entered the high priest’s palace. He decided to hang out with the servants there and warm himself up near the fire.
So, like, the head priests and the entire council were trying to find someone to testify against Jesus and get him killed. But, yo, they couldn’t find anyone!
Like, a lot of people straight up lied about him, but their stories didn’t match up.
Then some people came forward and gave fake testimony against him, like,
We heard him say, like, ‘Yo, I’m gonna wreck this temple that’s man-made and then, in like three days, I’ll build a new one that’s all divine and spiritual, dude.’
But, like, their testimony didn’t match up or whatever.
So the high priest gets up and is like, ‘Yo Jesus, you got anything to say? These people are throwing accusations at you, man.’
But he kept quiet and didn’t say anything. Then the high priest asked him again, ‘Are you the chosen one, the Son of the Blessed?’
And Jesus was like, yup it’s me, and y’all gonna peep the Son of man chillin’ on the right hand of power, rollin’ in on those heavenly clouds.
Then the high priest was, like, so done with this, and he’s all like, ‘Why do we even need more people to testify?’
So you heard the blasphemy, what’s your take? And they all decided he should face the death penalty.
Then some people started spitting on him and covering his face, while others were slapping him and taunting him, saying, ‘Guess what’s coming next, Mr. Prophet?’ And the staff members were smacking him with the palms of their hands.
So, Peter was chilling downstairs in the high priest’s crib, when suddenly, one of the maid squad showed up:
And when she peeped Peter getting cozy, she checked him out and said, ‘So you were rollin’ with Jesus of Nazareth too.’
But he was like, nah, I don’t know what you’re talking about, can’t relate. Then he dipped out to the porch and suddenly, that rooster started making some noise.
Then a girl spotted him once more and started telling the people nearby, ‘Yo, this dude is totally one of them!’
And he was like, ‘Nah fam, not me.’ But then a few minutes later, the people around him were like, ‘Yo Peter, we know it’s you. Your accent totally gives you away as a Galilean.’
But he started using foul language and was like, ‘I have no clue who this dude is that you’re talking about.’
And the second time the rooster crowed. And Peter remembered what Jesus had told him, that before the rooster crows twice, he would deny Jesus three times. And when he thought about it, he couldn’t hold back his tears.

Mark 15

And, like, right in the morning, the big-shot priests had this serious convo with the oldies and smarties and the whole council. They totally restrained Jesus, took him away, and handed him over to Pilate.
And Pilate was like, ‘Are you the King of the Jews or what?’ And Jesus was like, ‘You said it, man.’
The top priests threw a bunch of accusations at him, but he stayed silent, not giving them a single word.
Pilate asked him again, like, ‘Bro, aren’t you gonna answer? Look at how many accusations they’re throwing at you!’
But Jesus still didn’t say anything, and Pilate was like, wow, totally surprised.
So during that lit festival, he was like, ‘Imma drop a prisoner for y’all, whoever you want.’
There was this dude named Barabbas, who was chillin’ with the gang that caused a ruckus. He straight up killed someone during all the chaos.
And the crowd, like, totally started yelling and wanting him to do the same awesome stuff he always did for them.
But Pilate was like, ‘Yo, do you guys want me to let go of the King of the Jews or what?’
Because he knew that the head priests had handed him over out of pure jealousy.
But the head religious dudes convinced the crowd to choose Barabbas instead and let him go.
So Pilate responded again and said to them, ‘What do y’all want me to do with this guy y’all claim is the King of the Jews?’
And they were like, ‘Bruh, crucify him again.’
Bruh, Pilate was like, ‘Yo, why y’all hatin’? What did this dude even do wrong?’ But they straight up started yelling even louder, ‘Nah, nail him to the cross!’
So, like, Pilate, wanting to please the masses, let Barabbas go free, and handed Jesus over to be beaten and crucified.
And the soldiers took him to the Praetorium, which was like a fancy meeting place, and they gathered all their squad there.
Then they dressed him up in swaggy purple clothes, and fashioned a crown made of prickly thorns, and placed it on his head,
And they were like, ‘Yo, what’s up, King of the Jews!’
Then they like, hit him on the head with a reed, totally spat on him, and like, bent their knees to worship him.
And, like, after they like totally made fun of him, they, like, stripped him of his purple robe and put his regular clothes back on him. Then they, like, took him out to be crucified, which was, like, super harsh, you know?
So, like, they made this guy named Simon, from a place called Cyrene, carry Jesus’ cross. He was just minding his own business, coming from out of town and stuff. Oh, and Simon’s the dad of two dudes named Alexander and Rufus.
So they take him to this spot called Golgotha, which means ‘The place of a skull.’
And they gave him this drink that was like wine mixed with myrrh, but he didn’t want it.
And like, when they totally crucified him, they like divided his clothes, you know, by casting lots to see who would get what.
So, like, it was around 9 in the morning when they totally nailed him to the cross.
And they put a sign above him with the words, THE KING OF THE JEWS.
And like, they totally crucify two criminals with him, ya know, one on his right side and the other on his left side.
And the prediction came true, just as it was said, and he was hanging out with the troublemakers.
And the people who walked by started dissing him, shaking their heads, and were like, ‘Yo, you think you can tear down the temple and rebuild it in just three days?’
Just, like, save yourself, dude, and like, get down from the cross or something.
And just like the boss priests were totally dissing him, talking trash with their crew, saying, ‘Oh, he can save other people, but he can’t even save himself.’
Yo, if this Jesus dude is really the King of Israel, he needs to bounce off that cross ASAP. Then maybe we’ll be convinced and start believing. But yo, those other dudes who got crucified with him, straight up dissed him.
And like, when it was, like, 6 PM, dudes, the entire land was, like, covered in total darkness until, like, 9 PM.
And like, at 3pm, Jesus like shouted really loudly, He was all like, ‘Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?’ and that means, ‘OMG, OMG, why did you like leave me hanging, God?’
And like, some of the people who were there, when they heard it, were like, dude, he’s totally calling for Elias!
Someone quickly grabbed a sponge and filled it with vinegar. They put it on a stick and gave it to him to drink, saying, ‘Hold up; let’s see if Elijah will come to rescue him.’
And Jesus straight up yelled at the top of his lungs, and then totally surrendered his spirit.
And the curtain in the temple like, totally split in half from the highest point to the lowest point, dude.
And, like, when the centurion, who was, like, standing right in front of him, saw him, like, screaming and then, like, dying or whatever, he was like, ‘Dude, no doubt this guy was, like, totally the Son of God.’
There were these girls chillin’ from a distance: Mary Magdalene, Mary (the homie of James and Joses), and Salome;
(And, like, when he was in Galilee, they totally followed him and were like, helping him out and stuff;) and there were a bunch of other girls who were, like, hanging with him and came with him to Jerusalem.
And now , when evening came, since it was the day before the chill day, which is the day before the day of rest,
Joseph of Arimathaea, a really respectable counselor who was totally stoked about God’s kingdom, straight up rolled into Pilate’s place, and asked him to hook him up with Jesus’ body.
Pilate was like, ‘Whoa, is he dead already?’ So he called over the centurion and straight up asked him if Jesus had been dead for a minute.
And once the centurion found out about it, he handed over the body to Joseph.
Then he went and got some fancy linen, carefully wrapped him in it, and placed him in a stone tomb that was carved out of a rock. Finally, he rolled a big ol’ stone to seal the entrance of the tomb.
And Mary Magdalene and Mary (the mother) of Joses saw where he was buried.

Mark 16

After the sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary (the super cool mom of James), and Salome went to buy some sweet spices so they could come and give Jesus a special anointing.
And super early in the morning, on the first day of the week, they rolled up to the tomb right when the sun was starting to come up.
And they were like, yo, how are we gonna move that huge stone blocking the tomb entrance tho?
And, like, when they checked it out, they saw that the huge stone had been rolled away or whatever. It was, like, crazy big, yeah.
As they went inside the tomb, they saw this awesome young dude chilling on the right side, wearing a super long white robe. And let me tell you, they were totally shook!
And he’s like, yo don’t freak out, guys! I know you’re looking for Jesus from Nazareth, the dude who got crucified. Well, guess what? He’s alive! He ain’t here anymore. Check out where they laid him, but he’s totally not there anymore!
Yo, like, go and spread the word to his disciples and Peter that he’s heading to Galilee ahead of y’all. That’s where you’ll see him, just like he told you, fam.
And they dipped outta there real fast, like, sprinted away from the tomb; ’cause they were freaked out and in shock: they didn’t say a word to anyone, ’cause they were scared AF.
So, like, super early on the first day of the week, Jesus showed up and, get this, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene. You know, the girl who had been dealing with seven whole devils before Jesus cast them out. No biggie.
And she like totally went and told her squad who had been chilling with him, while they were all like mad sad and crying.
And like, when they found out that he was alive and that she saw him, they totally didn’t believe it. Ugh, so hard to convince them, you know?
Then he like totally showed up to two of them in a whole different form while they were walking, and they all went out into the countryside.
So they went and told the rest, but they didn’t believe them.
Later, he showed up to the squad while they were vibing and called them out for being skeptical and closed-minded. They didn’t believe the ones who saw him after he came back from the dead.
So, like, he told them, ‘Yo, go out into the whole world and spread the good news to every living being, you know?
If you truly vibe with the faith and get baptized, you’ll be saved. But if you don’t believe, well… sorry dude, damnation awaits.
And like, if you believe in me, you’ll totally see some sick signs. You’ll be able to totally banish the evil spirits and speak in, like, totally rad new languages, man.
They’ll handle snakes like it’s no biggie; and if they accidentally sip on something deadly, it won’t even faze them; they’ll lay their hands on the sick, and watch them bounce back like magic.
After the Lord dropped some wisdom on them, he straight up yeeted himself to heaven and kicked it on God’s right hand.
So they went out and spread the word everywhere, with the Lord by their side, backing them up with awesome signs. Amen, y’all!