Luke - Gen Z Bible

Luke 1

So, like, a bunch of people were trying to put together a legit account of the things we all totally believe in, you know?
Just like how they passed it down to us, the OGs who saw everything firsthand and spread the message.
Yo, I thought it’d be cool to drop you a message, Theophilus, after fully grasping everything from the start. Gonna keep it organized and straight-up with you, my dude.
So you can totally be sure about all the stuff you’ve been taught.
Now, back in the time of Herod, the king of Judaea, there was this priest dude named Zacharias, from the Abia crew. And his wifey, she came from the Aaron squad, and she went by the name Elisabeth.
And they were both totally on point, living their best lives before God, following all of the Lord’s rules and instructions flawlessly.
And yo, Elizabeth couldn’t have no kids ’cause she was barren, and both of them were getting up there in age.
And like, this dude was doing his priest thing and all, you know, doing his duties for God, all according to the schedule and stuff,
So, like, it was the tradition for the priests to burn incense when they entered the temple of the Lord, you know?
And like, everyone in the crowd was totally praying outside while the incense was lit.
So, like, this angel from the Lord pops up right next to him by the altar where they burn the incense.
And when Zacharias saw that dude, he totally freaked out, and fear just straight up overwhelmed him.
But the angel was like, ‘Chill, Zacharias! Your prayer has been answered, and your wife Elisabeth is gonna have a baby boy. You gotta name him John.’
And you’ll totally have a blast and be stoked; a bunch of people will be hype when this baby pops into the scene.
Yo, this dude gonna be mad respected by the Lord, and he ain’t gonna be getting lit or anything; he gonna be filled with the Holy Ghost from the time he still in his mom’s belly.
And he will help many of the kids from Israel to find God.
And he’s gonna come before him with the same vibe and energy as Elijah, to help dads connect with their kids and to guide the rebellious towards the wise ways of the righteous. He’s gonna prepare the people for the Lord’s arrival.
Zacharias was like, ‘Yo angel, how can I be sure about this? I’m old AF, and my wife is ancient too.’
And the angel replied, ‘I’m Gabriel, like, I’m literally chilling right in God’s presence and He sent me to tell you about some seriously awesome news, dude.’
Yo, check it out, you’re gonna be speechless and unable to talk until all these things I mentioned actually happen. It’s because you don’t really trust what I’m saying, but don’t worry, my words will definitely come true at the right time.
And the crowd was waiting for Zacharias, and they were amazed at how long he was taking in the temple.
And when he came out, he couldn’t even talk to them. They could tell he had just seen something mind-blowing in the temple. He tried to signal to them, but all that came out was silence.
And so, when his time of doing his thing was finished, he bounced back to his crib.
So, like, after some time, Elizabeth, his wife, got pregnant and went into hiding for five months, keeping it on the down low, ya know? She was all like,
This is how God has helped me during the time when He paid attention to me, so that my shame would be gone in front of others.
So, like, in the sixth month, this angel named Gabriel was sent by God to this city called Nazareth, which is in Galilee, you know.
So, like there was this girl named Mary who was engaged to this guy named Joseph. Joseph’s fam was from the house of David, you know? And Mary, she was a total virgin.
And then this angel slides into her DMs like, ‘Yo, what’s up? Hail, girl! You’re totally favored by the big man upstairs, God Himself. You’re blessed AF compared to all the other ladies out there. #Winning
And like, when she saw , she was totally shook by what he said, and she started thinking like, ‘What kind of greeting is this supposed to be?’
The angel was like, ‘Chill, Mary! God totally approves of you, no need to stress.’
Yo, listen up! Imma drop some news on you. You’re gonna get pregnant and have a baby boy. And guess what? You gotta name him JESUS.
He’s gonna be awesome, like, totally awesome, called the Son of the Most High, you know? And, like, the Lord God is gonna totally hook him up with his dad David’s throne, no question!
And he’ll be the forever ruler of Jacob’s fam, with his kingdom never ending.
Mary was like, ‘Hold up, angel, how is this even possible? I’m not involved with anyone, ya know?’
Yo, the angel was like, ‘Listen up! The Holy Ghost is gonna come over you, and the power of the Highest is gonna totally overshadow you. So, the super holy baby that you’re gonna have will be known as the Son of God.’
Yo, check it out, your cousin Elisabeth, she’s actually pregnant too, even though she’s old and all. It’s been six months already and people used to think she couldn’t have kids!
Bruh, like, with God, nothing is even off-limits. It’s literally all possible, you know?
Mary was like, yo, I’m all in to be a servant of the Lord, do whatever you said. And then the angel dipped.
So Mary was like, ‘Yo, it’s go time!’ and she bounced to the hills like super fast, heading to this city called Juda.
So I went to Zacharias’ crib and said ‘Yo, what’s up Elisabeth.’
Like, when Elisabeth heard Mary’s greeting, her baby literally jumped in her womb, and Elisabeth was totally filled with the Holy Ghost.
And she like, totally shouted with a mega voice, and was like, you’re the absolute luckiest chick ever, and your baby is like, so blessed.
Why is this such a big flex for me, like why is the whole vibe of my Lord’s mom coming through to hang with me?
Yo, like, the moment your greeting hit my ears, the baby in my belly straight up did a happy dance!
And yo, shoutout to the chica who trusted the process, ’cause what the Lord said would go down is about to go down. Believe that.
And Mary was like, OMG, I’m totally hyped up on the Lord!
And OMG, my vibe is totally lit ’cause God’s my Savior, y’all!
Like, God totally noticed how humble I am, ya know? And get this, like, from now on, everyone’s gonna be super impressed and call me blessed in every generation!
The one who’s totally epic has done some seriously awesome things for me; and his name is, like, super holy.
And God’s kindness extends to those who respect and honor Him, forever and ever.
He flexed his arm, totally owning those arrogant people who thought they were all that.
He’s totally dethroned the powerful influencers and boosted up the underdogs.
He has totally hooked up those who were starving with some epic grub; meanwhile, he’s totally dissed the peeps who were already living large by leaving them hangry and empty-handed.
He’s totally helped out his servant Israel, just ’cause he didn’t forget how merciful he is.
Like, he said this to our fam, to Abraham, and to his fam for all time.
So Mary hung out with her for like three months, and then she went back to her own crib.
So it was time for Elisabeth to have her baby, and she gave birth to a son.
And all her squad and fam heard how God showed mad love to her; and they totally celebrated with her.
So, like, on the eighth day, they went ahead and performed the circumcision on the baby and decided to name him Zacharias, just like his dad.
And his mom was like, nah fam, his name’s gonna be John.
And they were like, ‘Yo, nobody in your fam goes by that name, fam.’
They gestured to his dad, asking what name he should be given.
So he asked for a laptop and started typing, like, ‘Yo, his name is John.’ And everyone was totally amazed.
And right away, his mouth was like, wide open, and he started talking and praising God.
And everyone in the neighborhood got super shook, spreading the word about all these epic stories that went viral in the hills of Judaea.
And everyone who heard them held these words close in their hearts, like, woah, what kind of awesome kid is this gonna be?! And it’s like, God’s power was totally with him, you know?
And Zach’s dad was like, totally filled with the Holy Ghost, and he started prophesying, and he said,
Praise the Lord God of Israel; ’cause He showed up and saved His people,
And like, God has totally blessed us with a super strong savior from the fam of King David, yo!
Like, he totally spoke through his holy prophets since, like, forever ago!
So we don’t gotta deal with our haters and enemies tryna bring us down, ya know?
To deliver on the promise of kindness that was made to our ancestors and to keep in mind the sacred agreement he made;
The promise he made to our homie Abraham,
So, like, God should totally hook us up and free us from our haters, ya know? Then we’ll be able to worship Him with mad dedication, no fear holding us back. #Blessed
Living our best lives, being totally righteous and holy, every single day.
Yo, kid, you’re gonna be known as the ultimate prophet, ’cause you’ll go ahead of the Lord and pave the way for him.
To let his squad know about the straight-up deliverance and forgiveness of their trespasses, fam.
Because of God’s deep compassion, a new hope has come down from above and reached us, bringing light to our lives.
To bring light to those stuck in the dark and the shade of death, to show us the path to inner peace.
And as the kid grew up, he totally leveled up in spirit and spent his time chilling in the deserts until the day he made his grand entrance to the whole nation of Israel.

Luke 2

Back in the day, Caesar Augustus was all, “Time to cough up some cash, peeps!” #PayYourDues #CaesarsOrders
(FYI, this tax thing went down when Cyrenius was calling the shots in Syria.)
So, everyone had to dip back to their hometown to get taxed.
Joseph, repping Nazareth in Galilee, had to bounce to Bethlehem in Judaea, ’cause he was part of David’s fam, ya know?
So, Mary and Joseph were dragged into this tax mess. Oh, and BTW, Mary was preggers. NBD, just keepin’ ya in the loop. Oh, and by the way, ‘taxed’ could also mean ‘enrolled’… just sayin’.
While they were there, Mary popped out the baby.
She gave birth to her firstborn and laid him in a manger ’cause there was no room at the inn.
Meanwhile, some shepherds were out in the fields, chillin’ with their sheep on the night shift. #ShepherdSquad
Suddenly, an angel appeared, shining God’s glory, freaking them out.
The angel was like, “Chill, I come bearing good news that’ll make ya stoked!”
Listen up! Today, in David’s city, a Savior’s born – epic, right? Yeah, it’s Christ the Lord, fam.
And here’s the sign: you’ll find the baby wrapped up cozy in a manger.
Then a whole squad of angels showed up, praising God and spreading good vibes.
They were like, “Praise God! Peace and love to everyone on earth!”
After the angels bounced, the shepherds were like, “Let’s check out what’s going down in Bethlehem!”
So they rushed over and found Mary, Joseph, and the baby chillin’ in a manger.
They spread the word about the awesome things they’d seen.
Everyone who heard it was amazed.
Mary kept all this in her heart.
The shepherds gave props to God for what they’d seen and heard.
After eight days, they named the baby Jesus, as the angel had said.
After Mary’s purification, they took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord.
(As it’s written in the Lord’s rules, every firstborn is super sacred.)
They made the required sacrifice, a couple of birds.
In Jerusalem, there was a righteous dude named Simeon, waiting for Israel’s hope.
The Holy Spirit told him he wouldn’t die before seeing the Lord’s chosen one.
When Mary and Joseph brought Jesus to the temple,
He picked him up, thanking God.
“Now, Lord, I’m ready to peace out. I’ve seen your salvation.”
For all to see, a light to the Gentiles and the glory of Israel.
Joseph and Mary were amazed.
Simeon said, “This kid’s gonna shake things up in Israel.”
He’ll be a sign, but you’ll feel the sting, Mary.
He’ll cause some to rise and some to fall.
A sword will pierce your soul too, revealing what’s really in people’s hearts.
There was also a wise woman named Anna.
She spent her time fasting and praying, talking about God to everyone waiting for redemption.
After everything, they went back to Nazareth.
The kid grew up with mad wisdom and God’s grace.
Every year they’d hit up Jerusalem for the passover.
When he was twelve, they went for the feast.
Afterward, Jesus stayed behind without them knowing.
Thinking he was with them, they traveled a day before realizing.
They searched among relatives and friends.
When they couldn’t find him, they went back to Jerusalem.
After three days, they found him in the temple, asking and answering questions.
Everyone was amazed at his understanding.
His mom was like, “Why’d you worry us like that?”
He was like, “Didn’t you know I’d be here, doing my Father’s business?”
They didn’t really get it.
He went back to Nazareth and obeyed them.
Jesus grew up, loved by God and people.

Luke 3

Yo, check it, when Tiberius Caesar was calling the shots, and Judaea had Pontius Pilate as governor, and Galilee was under Herod’s rule, with his brother Philip holding it down in Ituraea and Trachonitis, and Lysanias was repping Abilene. (Oh, and btw, tetrarch just means governor of four provinces, in case you didn’t know.)
When Annas and Caiaphas were holding it down as high priests, God hit up John, son of Zacharias, out in the wild.
And he was straight-up wandering around the Jordan area, preaching about getting baptized to turn your life around and get your sins forgiven;
It’s like written in this book by Esaias the prophet, saying, there’s this one voice shouting out in the middle of nowhere, saying, yo, get ready for the Lord, make sure his paths are clear and ready to go.
Yo, listen up! It’s like this: Every valley’s gonna get filled, all the mountains and hills are gonna be brought down low. And those twisty paths? Boom, straightened out. Oh, and those bumpy roads? Smooth ride ahead, my dudes!
And everyone will witness God’s epic redemption, no cap.
Yo, listen up, everyone who came to get baptized by this dude. Y’all are like a bunch of sneaky snakes, I mean, seriously, who told you to run away from the impending fury and all?
So, like, produce fruit that shows you’re truly sorry for your mistakes. Don’t just be all like, ‘Oh, we’re Abraham’s descendants, so we’re automatically good.’ Seriously, listen up, cuz this is important: God can totally turn some random rocks into Abraham’s descendants if He wants to. Don’t forget that. Just saying.
And yo, listen up, the axe is straight up about to chop all them weak trees at the root. So any tree that ain’t producing good fruit? Yeah, it’s getting chopped down and tossed into the fire. No room for Sorry-Excuses Ville here, fam.
So, like, the people were all like, ‘Yo, dude, what should we do now?’
He responds and says to them, if you’ve got two jackets, share one with someone who ain’t got any; and if you’ve got food, do the same.
So, like, even the tax collectors showed up to get baptized, and they were all like, ‘Hey, teacher, what’s the dealio? What should we be doing?’
Yo, listen up fam, don’t be tryna hustle more than what you’re supposed to, you feel me?
The soldiers asked him, ‘So, what’s the deal? What should we do?’ And he replied, ‘Listen up, don’t go around hurting people or falsely accusing them. Just be satisfied with what you’re getting paid.’
So, like, everyone was totally hyped up and wondering in their hearts about John. They were all, like, debating whether he was the chosen one, you know? It was totally suspenseful, like they couldn’t wait to find out!
John was like, ‘Listen up, everyone! I may dunk you all in water, but there’s someone way more powerful than me on the way. I’m not even worthy to untie his shoelaces! He’s gonna drench you with the Holy Spirit and set you on fire, not literally though!’
He’s got a fan in his hand, and he’s gonna totally clean up his place. He’ll bring all the good stuff together, but he’s gonna burn all the worthless stuff with unstoppable fire.
And he dropped so much wisdom and motivation in his talk to the crowd, it was unreal.
But bruh, Herod the tetrarch got called out by him for being with Herodias, who was his brother Philip’s girl. And he got called out for all the messed up stuff Herod had been doin’, too.
And on top of everything, he put John in jail.
So, like, when everyone was getting baptized, Jesus was like, ‘yeah, I’m gonna get baptized too,’ and while he was praying, the sky just opened up, ya know?
Then the Holy Ghost came down on Jesus like a dove in a physical form, and a voice from heaven said, ‘You’re my fave Son, I’m totally stoked with you.’
So Jesus was like around 30 years old, people thought he was Joseph’s son, who was Heli’s son.
This dude named Matthat was the father of Levi, who was the father of Melchi, who was the father of Janna, who was the father of Joseph,
This dude named Mattathias had a kid named Amos, who had a kid named Naum, who had a kid named Esli, who had a kid named Nagge,
Maath had a son, Mattathias had a son, Semei had a son, Joseph had a son, and Juda had a son.
Joanna was the dad of Rhesa, who was the dad of Zorobabel, who was the dad of Salathiel, who was the dad of Neri,
This dude named Melchi was the dad of another dude named Addi, who was the dad of Cosam, who was the dad of Elmodam, who was the dad of Er.
This dude called Jose was the dad of this other dude called Eliezer, who was the dad of Jorim, then Matthat, and finally Levi.
This dude, Simeon, he was the son of another dude named Simeon. And you know what? That Simeon was the son of Juda. But wait, there’s more! Juda was the son of Joseph, and Joseph was the son of Jonan. And let’s not forget, Jonan was the son of Eliakim, yo!
Melea had a son named Menan, who had a son named Mattatha, who had a son named Nathan, who had a son named David,
This dude Jesse had a son named Obed, who had a son called Booz, who was the son of Salmon, who was the son of Naasson,
Aminadab had a son named Aram, who had a son named Esrom, who had a son named Phares, who had a son named Juda,
So, like, this dude Jacob was the son of Isaac, who was the son of Abraham. And, oh wait, Abraham was the son of Thara, who was the son of Nachor.
And then came Saruch, followed by Ragau, then Phalec, then Heber, and finally, Sala!
That’s Cainan, the son of Arphaxad, the son of Sem, the son of Noe, the son of Lamech.
Mathusala was the dad of Enoch, who was the dad of Jared, who was the dad of Maleleel, who was the dad of Cainan,
This dude called Enos was the son of another dude named Seth, who was the son of the OG Adam, who was the son of God Himself.

Luke 4

Jesus, totally filled with the Holy Spirit, came back from Jordan and the Spirit led him to the wilderness,
So, like, Jesus was out in the desert for, like, 40 days and the devil was totally trying to mess with him. And during that time, Jesus didn’t eat anything, but once those days were done, he was super hungry!
Then the devil was like, ‘Yo, if you really are God’s Son, why don’t you flex and turn this rock into bread?’
And Jesus replied, saying, like, humans can’t just live on bread alone, but need every word of God to thrive.
And the devil, like, totally takes him up to this huge mountain and shows him all the kingdoms of the world in, like, a split second.
And the devil was like, listen up, I can totally hook you up with all the power and fame if you’re willing to play along. It’s all under my control, and I can dish it out to anyone I want.
If you’re down to flex on me, I’ll hook you up with everything.
And Jesus was like, ‘Step aside, Satan! It’s written that you gotta worship the Lord your God and only serve Him.’
So, like, he took him to Jerusalem and put him on the highest point of the temple, and was like, ‘If you’re really God’s Son, then like, jump off from here, bro:’
Like, it’s actually written in the Book, that your guardian angels got your back and will totally protect you, fam:
And they’ll totally have your back, so you don’t trip over a stupid stone or anything.
Jesus replied, like, listen up dude, it’s like written in the manual or whatever – don’t even think about testing God, man.
And like, when the devil was done with all the tempting stuff, he like, left Jesus alone for a while, you know.
And Jesus went back to Galilee, all powered up by the Spirit, and word about him spread like wildfire throughout the whole region.
And he was, like, teaching in their synagogues and everyone thought he was totally awesome.
So he went to Nazareth, where he grew up, and like he always did, he went to the synagogue on the sabbath day, and stood up to read.
So they gave him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when he opened it, he found the spot where it was written,
The Lord’s vibe is strong in me, ’cause he chose me to spread good news to those struggling; he sent me to mend the brokenhearted, to free the imprisoned, help the blind see, and bring freedom to those who’ve been hurt.
Spreading the word about how lit the Lord’s blessings are this year.
Then he finished reading, handed the book back to the minister, and took a seat. Everyone in the synagogue couldn’t take their eyes off him.
And he started telling them, yo, this scripture is like totally coming true right now in your hearing.
And everyone was like, totally impressed by what he was saying! They were like, ‘Isn’t this Joseph’s kid?’
And he was like, I know y’all gonna be like, ‘Yo, fix yourself first, doc!’ Heard about all the miracles you did in Capernaum, can you show us that fire right here in your hometown?
And he was like, for real, listen up, no prophet gets embraced in their own hood, ya know?
Dude, for real though, there were so many widows in Israel back when Elias was doing his thing. It was like the heavens decided to go offline for three and a half years and a massive famine hit the entire land, no joke.
But Elias only went to Sarepta, a city in Sidon, to help a widow lady.
So, like, back in the day when Eliseus was prophet, there were tons of lepers in Israel, you know? But get this, only Naaman, this dude from Syria, actually got cleansed from the leprosy! Like, nobody else, man!
And everyone in the synagogue, after hearing this, got hella mad,
So they like, totally drove him out of the city, you know? And then they took him to the edge of this hill where the city was built, with the intention of throwing him down headfirst, like, whaaat?!
But he just casually walked through them and continued on his own path,
And like, this dude went to Capernaum, which is like this cool city in Galilee, and started teaching peeps on the sabbath days.
And they were shooketh by his teachings: ’cause his words were straight fire.
So, there was this guy in the synagogue who was like possessed by, you know, a wicked, evil spirit. And man, he started screaming at the top of his lungs!
They were like, ‘Leave us alone, man! What’s your deal, Jesus of Nazareth? Are you here to wreck us? I totally recognize you, you’re the Holy One of God.
Jesus totally shut that guy down, like, ‘Shut up and get out of here!’ And then no joke, the devil tossed him around, but like, no harm done, ’cause the dude was exorcised, for real.
Dude, everyone was totally mind-blown and started chatting, like, ‘Yo, did you hear that word? This guy’s got some serious authority and power! He can straight-up command those evil spirits, and they actually bounce out.’
And like, everyone in the whole area knew about him and was totally talking about him.
Then he left the synagogue and went to Simon’s crib. Simon’s stepmom was super sick with a major fever, so they begged him to help her out.
Then he like totally stood over her and was like, ‘Yo, fever, you need to bounce!’ And guess what? The fever like totally bounced, no kidding! And right away, she got up and started helping them out. So rad!
So, as the sun was going down, all those who had friends with various illnesses brought them to him. And he touched each and every one of them, and cured them.
And a bunch of demons came out of a lot of people. They were freaking out and shouting, saying, ‘You’re the real deal, Jesus, the Son of God!’ But Jesus shut them up and didn’t let them say anything because they knew exactly who he was.
When morning came, he left and went to a remote place: and the crowd looked for him, and came to him, and stopped him, not wanting him to leave them.
And he was like, yo guys, I gotta spread the word about God’s kingdom to other cities too, ’cause that’s why I was sent here, you know?
And he was like, straight up preaching in all the synagogues in Galilee, you know?

Luke 5

A’ight, peep this, fam – folks were all up in Jesus’ grill, hungry for some divine wisdom. So, my boy was posted up by Lake Gennesaret.
There were these two boats chillin’ by the lake, but the fishermen had dipped, busy cleaning their gear.
Then Jesus hops into Simon’s boat, tells him to push off a bit, and starts droppin’ truth bombs to the crowd from the boat.
After he’s done spittin’ knowledge, he’s like, ‘Yo, Simon, take your boat to the deep end, cast your nets, and catch some fish, bro.’
Simon’s like, ‘Bruh, we’ve been hustlin’ all night with no luck. But I trust you, so I’ll give it a shot.’
And yo, when they finish, they haul in a crazy load of fish – their net’s about to burst.
They signal their boys from the other boat for help, and they fill both boats so much they start sinkin’, fam.
When Simon peeps this, he falls at Jesus’ feet, like, ‘Yo, I’m messed up, Lord, gotta bounce.’
Everyone’s jaws drop at the insane fish catch.
Same goes for James and John, they’re tight with Simon. Jesus tells Simon, ‘Chill, bro, from now on, you’re gonna reel in people.’
They ditch everything and start followin’ Jesus.
Jesus is posted in a city when a dude with leprosy spots him and begs, ‘Lord, if you’re down, heal me.’
Jesus touches him, saying, ‘Gotchu, bro. You’re clean.’ And boom, leprosy gone.
He tells him to keep it on the down-low and show himself to the priest as proof, as Moses said.
But word spreads, and folks come for healing.
Jesus dips to a quiet place to pray.
Pharisees and legal experts from everywhere show up, and Jesus is healing folks left and right.
Check it, they bring in a paralyzed dude on a stretcher, determined to get him to Jesus.
They can’t get through the crowd, so they go rooftop and lower him down. Epic move, right?!
Jesus sees their faith and forgives the dude.
Pharisees start trippin’, like, who’s this guy think he is, talkin’ like that? Only God forgives sins!
Jesus reads their minds, like, ‘What’s your deal?’
He’s like, ‘What’s easier, sayin’ ‘Your sins are forgiven’ or ‘Get up and walk’?
Just so you know, Son of man can forgive sins. To the paralyzed guy, he says, ‘Get up, grab your mat, go home.’
Dude jumps up, heads home, praising God.
Everyone’s mind blown, praising God.
Jesus spots a tax collector, Levi, and says, ‘Roll with me.’
Levi bounces, starts rollin’ with Jesus.
Levi throws a lit party, tax collectors and homies vibin’.
Pharisees trip, like, why chill with sinners?
Jesus says, ‘Sick peeps need help, not the healthy.’
He’s here for sinners to turn their lives around.
They’re like, why your crew not fasting?
Jesus says, ‘Why fast when the party’s on?’
But when the party’s over, they’ll fast.
Jesus says, old stuff don’t mix with new stuff.
Fresh juice in old cups? Nah, that’s a mess. Fresh juice in fresh cups? That’s it.
Keep the vibes fresh.
If you’ve tasted the good stuff, you won’t crave new stuff right away. Old stuff hits different.

Luke 6

So, like, on the second sabbath after the first, Jesus and his squad were strolling through this corn field. And they were starving, so they started snatching some corn and chomping on it, like rubbing the kernels in their hands and getting their munch on.
Hey, some of the Pharisees were like, ‘Yo, why y’all doing stuff that’s off-limits on the Sabbath, fam?’
And Jesus was like, ‘For real, haven’t y’all read about what David did when he was starving with his squad? Like, what’s the deal with that?’
Yo, this dude rolled into the house of God, snagged some of that sacred bread, and even shared it with his crew. But hold up, that bread was only meant for the priests, you feel me?
He straight-up told them that the Son of man calls the shots when it comes to the sabbath, like, no debate.
One time, on another Sabbath, Jesus went into the synagogue and started dropping knowledge. There was this dude there with a messed up right hand.
So, like, these scribes and Pharisees were totally eyeing him, you know, seeing if he’d do some healing on the sabbath day. They had this sneaky plan to catch him slipping, like low-key trying to trip him up.
But, like, Jesus saw right through their game, and he was all like, ‘Yo dude with the jacked up hand, get up and show everyone what’s up.’ And then the guy got up and stood there, chilling in the middle of the crowd.
So Jesus was like, yo fam, let me hit you with this question: Is it cool to do good or bad stuff on the sabbath? Like, should we save lives or just mess things up?
And checking out everyone, he was like to the man, ‘Yo, flex your hand.’ And he did it, and his hand was all good, just like the other.
And they were so triggered, and started a group chat to brainstorm how they could cancel Jesus.
So, like, one day, he’s all like, ‘I’m gonna dip and find a chill spot on the mountain to vibe and pray to God.’ And he straight-up spent the whole night there, just pouring out his heart in prayer.
And when morning came, he hit up his disciples and picked twelve of them to be squad members, giving them the title of apostles.
Simon, who was also called Peter, and his bro Andrew, James and John, Philip and Bartholomew,
So like, there were these dudes named Matthew and Thomas, and also James, who was like the son of Alphaeus, and Simon who was also known as Zelotes.
So there were two guys named Judas. One was the brother of James, and the other one was Judas Iscariot, who ended up being the traitor.
So, Jesus came down with his squad and made an entrance on the scene. He was standing in a chill spot, surrounded by his crew and a massive crowd of peeps from all over Judaea, Jerusalem, and the coastal towns of Tyre and Sidon. They were all there to vibe with him, listen to his teachings, and get healed from their sicknesses.
And those who were tormented by bad vibes: and they were healed.
And the entire crowd wanted to get close to him because they sensed this incredible energy radiating from him, and he healed everyone.
So, like, Jesus looked up at his crew of followers and said, ‘Yo, you guys who are struggling financially, you’re totally blessed, ’cause the kingdom of God belongs to you.’
You guys who are hungry right now are gonna get satisfied, and you guys who are crying right now are gonna end up laughing.
You’re totally blessed when people start hating on you, ditching you from their squad, calling you names, and treating you like you’re the worst all because you’re rocking it for the Son of Man!
Yo, on that day, straight up celebrate and go wild with joy. Like, check this out: your reward in heaven is gonna be off the charts! ‘Cause, you know, even their ancestors treated the prophets the exact same way and they got rewarded too.
But listen up, if you’re ballin’ in wealth, you better watch out! ‘Cause all the satisfaction you gonna get is right here, nothin’ more.
Dang, you’ll be in for a rude awakening if you think you’ve got everything figured out! ‘Cause believe me, those who are content with their current state will eventually crave more. And oh boy, don’t get too carried away with all your laughter and joy in the moment! ‘Cause sooner or later, it’s gonna flip and you’ll find yourselves on the other side, feeling nothing but regret and sadness.
Dang, it’s not a good look when everyone’s just kissing up to you! That’s exactly how their ancestors treated those fake prophets, man.
Yo, listen up! Here’s the real talk – love your enemies, show some kindness to those who can’t stand you,
Wishing good vibes upon those who diss you, and sending positive vibes for the haters who treat you badly.
If someone hits you on one cheek, don’t be afraid to offer the other cheek as well. And if someone takes your hoodie, don’t hold back from giving them your T-shirt too.
If someone asks you for something, just give it to them, and don’t demand it back if they take your stuff.
Treat others how you wanna be treated, so give ’em the same vibe.
If you only show love to those who love you back, what’s the big deal? Even sinners do that, you know.
And, like, if you only do something nice for people who are nice to you, what’s the big deal? Even sinners do that, duh.
And if you lend money to someone with the hope of getting something back, what’s so special about that? Even bad people do that, expecting to get back what they gave.
But instead of hating your enemies, show them love, do good to them, and lend a helping hand without expecting anything in return. If you do this, you will receive great blessings and be recognized as children of the most loving One, because He treats even the ungrateful and wicked with kindness.
So, like, be kind and stuff, just like your Dad is kind.
Don’t be all judgy, and you won’t get judged in return. No need to condemn others, or else you’ll face condemnation yourself. Instead, be all about that forgiveness, and you’ll receive it too.
Share the love, and it’s gonna come right back at ya! Like a massive overflow, people are gonna show you mad love. ‘Cause whatever amount of love you dish out, that’s the same amount you’re gonna get in return, no doubts!
So, Jesus told them a story, you know? He was like, can the blind peeps lead the other blind peeps? Like, seriously, won’t they both end up falling into a ditch or something?
The homie can’t be better than the one who taught ’em: but when you’re hella on point, you’ll be just as dope as your teacher.
And why are you so focused on the little thing that bothers you about your bro, but you totally miss the huge thing that’s going on with yourself?
Yo, why you tryna act all high and mighty, telling your bro to let you take out that tiny speck in their eye when you can’t even see the huge plank in your own eye? You’re straight up being fake, man. Take care of your own issues first, then you’ll be able to see clearly and help your bro with their tiny problem.
Like, a totally legit tree doesn’t produce garbage fruit, ya know? And, like, a messed up tree doesn’t produce awesome fruit either. No cap.
You can totally judge a tree based on its fruit, ya know? Like, you wouldn’t expect to find figs on a thorny bush or grapes on a prickly bramble, right? (BTW, ‘grapes’ in Greek means ‘a grape’).
A righteous person, from the good stuff in their heart, brings out good things. But a wicked person, from the bad stuff in their heart, brings out evil things. Because, let’s be real, what’s in their heart is gonna come out of their mouth.
Why are you like, calling me Lordd, Lord,’ but not even doing what I’m telling you to do?
If anyone comes to me and listens to what I say, and actually does it, I’ll show you who they remind me of:
Imagine this dude who built a sick house. He went all out, digging deep and setting the foundation on a solid rock. Then, when a massive flood came rolling in, the raging waters tried their best to wreck that house, but guess what? They failed! This house was built to last on that rock-solid foundation.
But if you hear the message and don’t act on it, it’s like a person who builds a house without a strong foundation. When the waves of life come crashing, that house is gonna get wrecked real quick and it’s gonna be a huge disaster.

Luke 7

After finishing his speech, in front of all the people, he rolled into Capernaum.
So there was this centurion, right, and he had this servant who was super close to him. But this servant got really sick, like about to kick the bucket kind of sick.
And when he heard about Jesus, he reached out to him through the elders of the Jewish community, asking him to come and heal his servant.
And when they approached Jesus, they earnestly asked him, saying, That he was totally deserving for him to do this:
Because he really vibes with our nation, and he totally hooked us up with a sick synagogue.
So, Jesus tagged along with them. And when he was getting close to the house, the centurion sent his buddies to talk to him. They were like, ‘Yo, Lord, please don’t go through the trouble of coming to my place, ’cause I ain’t even deserving enough to have you step inside:’
So, like, I didn’t even think I was cool enough to approach you, but just like, say the word and my servant will totally be healed.
So, like, I’m totally a guy who’s got authority and stuff. I’ve got a crew of soldiers under me, and I can just be like, ‘Hey, you, go!’ and he goes. And I can be like, ‘Yo, come here!’ and he comes. And even my servant, I just have to say, ‘Do this!’ and he does it, no questions asked, dude.
When Jesus heard all this, he was totally amazed. He turned around, looked at the crowd following him, and dropped some truth bombs: ‘Listen up, peeps! I gotta say, I haven’t seen such a massive dose of faith, not even among the cool cats in Israel.’
When the peeps who were sent came back to the crib, they saw that the homie who was sick is all good now.
The next day, he rolled into this city called Nain, with a crew of his day-ones and a ton of people.
So, like, as he was gettin’ close to the city gate, guess what? There was this dead guy being taken out. And get this, he was the only son of his mom who happened to be a widow. And, like, there was a big crowd of people from the city with her.
And when the Lord saw her, he felt for her and said, ‘Hey, don’t cry.’
Then he approached the coffin and those carrying it halted. He said, ‘Hey dude, listen up, get up!’
The dude who was dead straight up came back to life and started talking. And he totally handed the guy over to his mom.
Everyone was so shook and they started giving mad props to God, saying, ‘Yo, a major prophet has appeared in our midst, and God has totally come through for his people.’
So, like, everyone in Judaea and the whole area heard all about this guy, no lies.
So the buddies of John filled him in on all the deets about what went down.
So, John grabs two of his homies and slides into Jesus’ DMs. He asks, ‘Yo, are you the real deal, or should we be checkin’ out someone else?’
When the guys came up to him, they were like, ‘Yo, John the Baptist sent us to you, asking if you’re the one we’ve been waiting for, or should we keep looking?’
And like, right away, he totally healed so many peeps from all their sicknesses, diseases, and even like, evil spirits, you know? And he legit made lots of blind people see again, like, mind-blowing!
Yo, Jesus had this sick comeback for them. He was like, ‘Alright, you guys go do your thing and tell John what you’ve witnessed and heard. Like, I’m talking about blind people gaining sight, lame folks straight-up walking, lepers getting cured, deaf peeps hearing again, and even dead people coming back to life! Plus, the good news is spreading like wildfire to help out those who are struggling.’
And cool is anyone who isn’t judgmental about me.
So, after John’s messengers left, Jesus started talking to the crowd about John. He was like, ‘What did you go out in the middle of nowhere to see? A weakling who just goes along with whatever?’
So, what did you go out to see? A dude dressed in expensive clothes? Well, let me tell you, those who wear fancy outfits and live a luxurious life are the ones you’ll find in palaces.
But why did you go see him? Just a prophet? Nah, I’m telling you, he’s way more than a prophet.
Yo, this is, like the one they talked about when they said, ‘Yo, check it out, I’m sending my messenger ahead of you to get things ready for you, man.’
Listen up, fam, I gotta tell you something real important. When it comes to all the peeps poppin’ outta women, John the Baptist takes the cake as the top prophet. But check it, even the lowest peep in God’s kingdom is greater than him. Just sayin’.
So, like, all the people who heard him and even the ones who were considered ‘outcasts’ by society, they were like giving props to God, by getting baptized with John’s baptism.
But those Pharisees and lawyers straight up ignored God’s advice for themselves, cuz they didn’t bother to get baptized by him.
And God was like, ‘Yo, how can I explain what the people of this era are like? What can I compare them to?’
It’s like kids chilling in the shopping mall, shouting at each other, saying, ‘We played some sick tunes, and you didn’t even vibe; we tried to get deep with you, and you didn’t shed a tear.’
So like, John the Baptist was all about that no carbs, no booze lifestyle, and y’all go around saying he’s possessed by a demon. Smh.
Yo, the Son of man pulled up, chowing down and sippin’; and you be like, ‘Check it out, this dude’s a total foodie and party animal, always hangin’ with tax collectors and chillin’ with sinners!’
But being smart is praised by all her kids.
So, this one Pharisee really wanted to hang out and have a meal together. Jesus was all like, ‘Sure, why not?’ So they ended up going to the Pharisee’s crib and chilling while grubbing.
Yo, check it out: there was this chick in the city who had a rep for being a sinner. She found out that Jesus was chilling at a Pharisee’s crib, and she had the guts to bring this fancy alabaster box of sweet-smelling ointment.
She came up to him, standing behind him, crying, and started washing his feet with her tears. Then she dried them with her own hair, kissed his feet, and put fragrant oil on them.
So, like, this Pharisee dude who had invited him saw it, right? And he starts having a little self-talk, being all like, ‘Yo, if this guy Jesus was a legit prophet, he would totally know that this chick touching him is, like, a huge sinner and stuff.’
So, like, Jesus was like, ‘Yo, Simon, I got something to tell you.’ And Simon was all like, ‘Oh, Master, go ahead and spill the tea.’
So, like, there was this creditor who had two debtors. One owed, like, five hundred pence, and the other owed, umm, fifty.
So, like, when they were totally broke, he, like, totally forgave both of them. So, which one do you think will, like, love him the most?
So Simon was like, ‘I guess it’s the one who got forgiven the most, duh.’ And Jesus was like, ‘Yup, you got it right.’
And he looked at the woman and said to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman? I came into your place and you didn’t offer me water for my feet. But she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her own hair.’
You didn’t even give me a kiss, but this girl hasn’t stopped kissing my feet since I walked in.
You didn’t even bother to put oil on my head, but this girl went ahead and anointed my feet with some fancy ointment.
So, like honestly, let me break it down for you. Check it – those mistakes she made, yo, they were mad heavy. But listen up, ’cause here’s the deal: ’cause she loved hard, her sins got wiped clean, no cap. But if someone hasn’t messed up a lot, they ain’t gonna show that same kinda love, you feel me?
And he was like, girl, your sins are totally forgiven.
And the squad who were chilling with him started whispering to each other, like, who does this guy think he is, forgiving sins and all that?
And he was like, ‘Girl, your faith has totally saved you. Go in peace and chill vibes.’

Luke 8

So, like, this dude Jesus was on a total mission, hitting up every city and town, spreading the good vibes about God’s kingdom. And his crew of twelve were right there vibing with him.
There were these girls who got healed from some heavy stuff, like evil spirits and illnesses. One of them was named Mary Magdalene, who used to be dealing with seven devils.
And Joanna, who’s married to Chuza, this big shot under King Herod, and Susanna, and a bunch of other peeps, were all, like, totally backing him up, sharing their stuff and support.
So, like, there was this huge crowd from all over, gathering to hear him out. And guess what? He kicked it off dropping some deep knowledge through this lit story:
Picture this: there’s this guy tossing seeds left and right. Some fall on the path where folks walk, getting trampled or snatched up by birds.
Then there’s some that land on rocky ground, but since there’s no water, they dry up and wither away.
Others fall among thorns, get choked up, and can’t grow.
But some fall on good soil, thrive, and produce a ton of fruit. After dropping that truth bomb, he’s like, ‘Yo, if you got ears, tune in and really listen up!’
His crew was like, ‘Bro, what’s the deal with that story?’
And he’s like, ‘You guys are blessed to get the inside scoop on God’s kingdom. But for others, I gotta speak in code so they don’t fully get it when they hear it or see it.’
So, basically, let me break it down for you: the seeds? They’re like God’s word, you feel me?
Some folks hear it, but then the devil swoops in and snatches it away so they can’t believe and be saved.
Others get hyped when they hear it but don’t have a solid foundation, so when challenges come, they lose faith.
Then there are those who get caught up in stress, chasing wealth, and pleasure, so they don’t bear fruit.
But those who keep it real, holding onto the truth, they produce awesome results with patience.
Bro, when you light a candle, you don’t hide it under stuff. Nah, you put it out there so everyone can vibe with the light.
Like, for real, secrets don’t stay hidden forever. Everything comes to light eventually.
Pay attention to how you listen: if you got something, you’ll get more; if not, even what you think you got will be taken away. That’s the real deal.
So, like, Jesus’ fam rolled up but couldn’t even get to him because of the crowd, you know?
Some peeps were like, ‘Yo, your fam’s outside, they wanna hang.’
And he’s like, ‘Nah, my day ones are the ones who listen to God’s word and live it out.’
So one day, he and his squad hop on a boat, heading to the other side of the lake, like bosses.
But while they’re sailing, he knocks out and suddenly a storm hits. The boat’s in serious trouble.
They wake him up like, ‘Yo, we’re gonna die!’ So he’s like, ‘Chill, wind and waves!’ And just like that, calm.
And he’s like, ‘Where’s your faith at?’ They’re shook, like, who is this guy?
They hit up the land of the Gadarenes, across from Galilee.
When they land, this dude possessed by demons rolls up, living in the tombs, wildin’ out.
He sees Jesus, freaks, and begs not to get messed with.
But Jesus tells the evil spirit to bounce, ’cause it had been messing with this dude for ages.
Jesus is like, ‘What’s your name?’ And he’s like, ‘Legion, ’cause there’s a bunch of us in here.’
They beg not to get sent to the deep.
So, like, there’s this bunch of pigs nearby. They’re like, ‘Yo, can we chill in those?’ And Jesus is like, ‘Sure, why not?’
The demons bounce into the pigs, and they go wild, rushing into the lake and drowning.
People freak and spread the word.
They see the dude, totally healed and chilling, and it blows their minds.
They spill the tea on how Jesus healed him like magic.
The locals are like, ‘Yo, Jesus, peace out from our hood.’ So he dips.
The healed dude wants to stick with Jesus, but he’s like,
‘Nah, go share the good stuff God did for you.’ So he bounces, spreading the word.
When Jesus comes back, the crowd’s hyped, waiting for him.
This dude Jairus, a big shot at the synagogue, rolls up, begging Jesus to come to his place:
His daughter’s super sick, like, on her deathbed. But as they go, the crowd’s all up in their grill.
Then there’s this woman who’s had a bleeding issue for years, spent all her money on docs, and got nowhere.
She sneaks up and touches Jesus’ clothes, and bam, she’s healed.
Jesus is like, ‘Who touched me?’ But everyone’s like, ‘Nah, not me.’
He’s like, ‘Someone touched me, I felt that energy.’
She comes clean, shaking, and explains everything.
Jesus is like, ‘Your faith healed you. Go in peace.’
But then someone’s like, ‘Yo, your daughter’s dead, don’t bother Jesus.’
Jesus is like, ‘Chill, have faith. She’ll be fine.’
He goes in with just his crew and the girl’s parents.
They’re all sad, but he’s like, ‘Chill, she’s just napping.’
They laugh at him, knowing she’s dead.
He kicks everyone out, grabs her hand, and says, ‘Yo, wake up!’
She comes back to life, instantly. He’s like, ‘Get her some food.’
Her parents are shook, but he tells them to keep quiet about it.

Luke 9

So, like, Jesus was rolling with his squad of twelve disciples, giving them mad power and authority to flex on all the demons and heal all sorts of diseases.
He was all about spreading the word about God’s kingdom and helping out the sick peeps.
And he was like, ‘Yo guys, before you dip on this journey, don’t even stress about bringing anything – no sticks, no bags, no bread, no cash. And don’t worry about packing extra outfits either, one’s enough for each of you.’
Whenever you crash at someone’s place, just chill there for a bit, then bounce.
And if anyone ghosts you when you leave, just shake off the dust from your kicks as a way to show they missed out.
So they bounced, hitting up the cities, spreading the good news, and hooking up with healing vibes everywhere.
Then Herod the tetrarch heard about all the stuff going down with this dude, and he was totally freaking out ’cause some peeps were saying that John came back to life and all.
Some were saying Elias had popped up, and others were like, one of the OG prophets had risen or something. No cap.
So Herod was like, ‘Yo, I straight up beheaded John, but who’s this dude causing all this hype? I kinda wanna peep him for myself.’
So, the apostles came back and spilled the tea to Jesus, telling him all the epic stuff they had pulled off. Then he snagged them and bounced to a chill spot in the middle of nowhere, near this place called Bethsaida.
And when peeps found out, they started tagging along; he welcomed them and talked about the kingdom of God, and hooked up those who needed healing.
When it started getting late, Jesus’ twelve friends were like, ‘Yo, tell these peeps to dip and find some grub and shelter in nearby towns ’cause we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere.’
But he was like, ‘Just hook ’em up with something to eat.’ And they were like, ‘Bruh, we only got five loaves and two fishes. Unless we wanna hit up a food run for all these peeps.’
There were like about 5K dudes, you know? So he told his crew to group ’em up in fifties.
So they were like, ‘Bet’ and got everyone seated.
Jesus had these five loaves and two fishes, right? Instead of being stingy, he gave thanks to God, broke the bread and fish, and passed it on to his squad to give out.
They grubbed hard, got totally stuffed, and even had leftovers – they gathered up twelve baskets worth, no cap.
Jesus was praying solo and his disciples were chilling with him. Then he asked them, like, ‘Yo, who do people say I am?’
They were like, ‘Um, some say John the Baptist; others think Elias; and there are a few who think it’s one of those OG prophets making a comeback.’
He asked them, like, who do you think I am? And Peter was like, you’re the Christ, man, the chosen one from God.
And he straight up told them to keep it on the down-low, not to spill the tea to anyone;
He was like, ‘Yo, I’m gonna go through mad struggles and the older heads, like the elders and chief priests and scribes, gonna straight up reject me. But it’s cool ’cause then I’m gonna be killed and come back to life on the third day.’
And he was like, ‘Listen up, if anyone wants to roll with me, they gotta be down to put themselves second, carry their own struggles every day, and stick close to me.
Like, if you’re all about saving your own life, you’ll end up losing it. But if you’re willing to lose your life for my sake, you’ll be the one actually saving it, you know?
What’s the point, bro, if a dude racks up the entire world but ends up losing himself or getting ditched?
If anyone is embarrassed to be associated with me and what I stand for, I’ll be just as disappointed in them when I come back in all my amazing glory, along with my Dad and the holy angels.
But listen up, fam, I’m spilling the tea: some of y’all right here won’t even experience death before witnessing the kingdom of God.
So, like, a week later or something, Jesus, like, took Peter, John, and James and went up this mountain to pray, you know? Just chilling and stuff.
While he was praying, his face totally transformed and his outfit started glowing white.
So, like, check it out, two dudes were chatting with him, and it was Moses and Elias:
So, like, Jesus, right? He showed up in this totally awesome, divine glory and started talking about how he was gonna fulfill his purpose by, like, dying in Jerusalem.
So Peter and his squad were mad tired and knocked out: but when they finally woke up, they were like ‘Whoa!’ ’cause they saw this totally epic glow-up moment and two homies chilling with him.
As they were leaving, Peter was like, ‘Yo, Jesus, this is lit! We should totally set up three tents—one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.’ But to be real, he had no idea what he was saying.
As he was talking, a big cloud appeared and covered them, and they were kinda scared when they went into the cloud.
And a voice came from the cloud, like, ‘Yo, this is my beloved Son, like listen to him, okay?’
And once the voice disappeared, Jesus was by himself. And they didn’t tell anyone for a while about what they had seen.
So, the next day, when they came down from the hill, a whole bunch of people met up with him.
Yo, check this out! There was this dude from the crew who shouted, like, ‘Hey Master, I’m begging you, please pay attention to my son. He’s like my only kid, you know?’
Dude, listen up! This wild vibe hit this guy out of nowhere, and he starts freaking out big time. It’s like he’s being torn up inside and going all foamy, and this brutal condition just won’t leave him alone.
So I asked your squad to kick him out, but they totally couldn’t.
Yo, like, seriously? Can’t believe how lacking in faith and messed up this generation is. How much longer am I gonna put up with you all? Bring your son over here.
So like, as Jesus was approaching, the freaking devil pulled a nasty move and threw him down, totally messed him up. But then Jesus clapped back and told the unclean spirit to chill out, and not only that, he healed the child and handed him back to his dad.
And everyone was totally blown away by how insanely awesome and powerful God was. But as they were freaking out over all the epic things that Jesus was doing, he turned to his crew and said,
Yo, like, really listen up to what I’m ’bout to say: the Son of man is gonna be handed over to some people, so take it in, ya know?
But like, they just didn’t get what he was saying, you know? It was totally hidden from their understanding, so they couldn’t even realize what he meant. And they were too afraid to even ask him about it.
So, like, there was this whole argument among them, you know, about who should be the most popular or the top dog.
And Jesus, sensing what they were thinking, grabbed a kid and plopped them right next to him,
And like, Jesus was all like, yo guys, whoever’s down to embrace this kiddo in my name is also embracing me. And whoever’s down to embrace me is also embracing the one who sent me, you know? ‘Cause, like, the person who’s chillin’ at the bottom and is considered the least among y’all, will eventually rise up and become hella great.
Yo, Jesus, check it out. So me and the crew, we noticed this dude straight up exorcising demons using your name, right? And we were like, ‘Hold up, this guy ain’t rollin’ with us.’
And Jesus was like, don’t stop them, man! If they’re not against us, then they’re totally on our team.
So, when the time rolled around for him to head up to Jerusalem, he was totally determined and focused on making that journey.
Then he DM’d some messengers ahead of him and they went and slid into a village of the Samaritans, to prep the place for him.
And they, like, didn’t accept him because they thought he was gonna head to Jerusalem or something.
And when his squad James and John peeped that, they were like, yo, Jesus, you want us to summon some heavenly fire and wipe them out, just like how Elijah did?
But he like totally clapped back at them and was like, ‘Dude, you all have no clue about the vibes you’re putting out.’
The Son of man didn’t come to wreck everyone’s lives, but to save ’em. And then they bounced to another village.
As they were chillin’ on the road, this random guy was like, ‘Yo, Lord, I’m down to roll with you wherever you go.’
And Jesus was like, yo bro, foxes gotta crib and birds got their nests, but your boy, the Son of man, ain’t got no place to crash.
Then he told someone else, ‘Come with me.’ But the person replied, ‘Hold up, let me first go and take care of my dad’s funeral.’
Jesus was like, let the dead people handle their own burial stuff. You, though, go and spread the word about God’s kingdom.
Then someone else said, Yo, Lord, I’m down to follow you, but lemme first go say peace to my homies back at the crib.
And Jesus was like, ‘Listen up, no one who starts something and keeps looking back is gonna make it into God’s kingdom.’

Luke 10

So, like, the Lord was like, “Okay, peeps, I need more squad members,” and he sent out seventy of them in pairs to all the cities he was planning to hit up.
He’s like, “Yo, fam, the harvest is lit but we’re low on hands. Let’s send up some prayers to the Lord of the harvest, asking for backup for the hustle.”
He’s all, “Listen up, I’m sending you out like innocent lambs among hungry wolves.”
Don’t even bring your wallet, bag, or kicks, and don’t stop for a chat on the way.
When you hit someone’s pad, start with vibes like, “Peace up, this house!”
And if you vibe with someone, your chill will stick, but if not, it’s all good, your chill comes back to you.
Just chill in the same spot, eating and drinking whatever they serve you. Workers deserve their pay, so don’t bounce around.
If a city welcomes you, go with the flow, eat what’s on offer without complaining:
Help out the sick and spread the word that God’s kingdom is near.
But if they diss you, bounce and say…
Even the dusty vibes of your city are shaking off on us, but yo, God’s kingdom is right at your doorstep.
But I gotta tell you, when judgment day hits, Sodom’s gonna have it easier than you.
Oh snap, Chorazin! Oh snap, Bethsaida! If Tyre and Sidon saw what you saw, they’d be all humble and repentant.
Tyre and Sidon are gonna have an easier time at judgment than you.
And Capernaum, you’re about to hit rock bottom real quick.
If they listen to you, they’re listening to me; if they diss you, they diss me; and if they diss me, they diss the one who sent me.
The seventy came back hyped, saying, “Yo Lord, even the demons bow down when we drop your name.”
And he’s like, “Yo guys, I saw Satan drop like lightning.”
I’m giving you mad power to conquer all your enemies. No one can touch you, seriously.
But don’t flex just ’cause you got powers. The real deal is your names written in heaven. That’s the real party, fam.
Jesus was pumped and shouted, “Big shoutout to you, Dad, the ultimate boss of sky and earth, for keeping this knowledge from the know-it-alls and sharing it with us. It’s all good, Father, because it’s totally your vibe.”
My Dad hooked me up with everything, and only those I choose know Him. (He looked at his crew and said…)
Then he’s like, “Yo, y’all are lucky! You’re seeing some mind-blowing stuff.”
Many prophets and kings wished they saw what you’re seeing. They missed out.
So, this lawyer dude tested him, asking, “Hey, Teacher, how do I score eternal life?”
Jesus is like, “What’s in the law, bro? How do you read it?”
The dude’s like, “You gotta love God with all you got, and love your neighbor as yourself, bro!”
Jesus is like, “Yeah, that’s it! Do that, you’re golden.”
But the dude’s like, “So, who’s my neighbor?”
So Jesus tells this story about a dude getting mugged on the road.
A priest sees him, ignores him, and bounces.
Then a Levite checks him out and bounces too.
But this Samaritan dude? He’s like, “Nah, I got this,” and helps him out.
He patches him up, puts him on his ride, and takes care of him.
He even tells the innkeeper, “Take care of him, I got the bill.”
So, who was the real homie to the guy who got jumped?
Dude’s like, “The one who showed mercy.” Jesus is like, “Go do the same.”
So, they roll into a village and Martha welcomes Jesus.
Mary chills at Jesus’ feet, soaking it all in.
Martha’s all stressed, like, “Jesus, care that my sister’s slacking? Tell her to help me out!”
Jesus is like, “Chill, Martha! Only one thing matters, and Mary’s got it.”
So, there you have it, fam. Priorities, ya know?

Luke 11

Alright, peep this, Jesus was doing his prayer vibe in this specific spot, right? And after he finished, one of his squad was like, ‘Yo, Lord, teach us how to pray, just like John showed his crew.’
Yo, listen up. So, when you pray, like, you gotta say this: ‘Yo, our Father, who’s kickin’ it up in the skies, we mad respect your name. Let your kingdom come, and your will be done, just like up in heaven, as it goes down here on earth.’
Hook us up with our daily bread, you feel me? Like, we need that sustenance on the regular.
And, like, forgive us for our mistakes and stuff, ’cause we also forgive, like, anyone who owes us. And, like, don’t let us get all caught up in temptation and junk, but help us, like, avoid evil, you know?
Yo, he was like, ‘Check it fam, imagine you got a homie, right? And you slide up to his place in the middle of the night, like, ‘Bruh, lemme borrow three loaves real quick!’
Yo, my homie just stopped by, and I ain’t got no food to offer him. He’s been on a long trip and I don’t wanna leave him empty-handed. What should I do?
And the person inside will respond and say, Don’t bother me: the door is closed, and my squad is chillin’ with me in bed; I can’t get up and hook you up.
Listen up, I’m telling you, even if the dude won’t get up and give his friend what he needs just because they’re tight, he’ll still get up and give it to him because his friend keeps bugging him for it. He’ll hook him up with as much as he wants, no doubt!
Yo, listen up! If you want something, just ask for it. If you’re searching for something, keep looking and you’ll find it. Knock on the door, and it will totally be opened for you.
Like, if you ask, you’ll totally receive; and if you’re out there seeking, you’ll find; and if you knock, the door will be opened, no doubt.
Yo, if your homie asks you for a piece of bread, you ain’t gonna be like, ‘Nah fam, here’s a rock.’ Or if they’re like, ‘Yo, can I get a fish?’ You won’t be all like, ‘Gotchu, here’s a snake.’
Like, if someone asks for an egg, you think they’re gonna get offered a scorpion? I mean, come on now!
So, like, if you, being not so perfect, know how to hook your kids up with awesome presents, just imagine how much our heavenly Father will bless us with the Holy Spirit when we ask Him?
So this dude was like, totally kicking out a demon, and get this, the demon made the person all quiet. But then, once the demon left, the person could speak again, and everyone was seriously mind-blown.
But like, there were some people who were all like, ‘Yo, this dude be casting out demons with the help of Beelzebub, the big boss of all demons.
And some others, trying to test Him, asked Him to perform a cool miracle from the sky.
But yo, he peeped their thoughts and was like, listen up fam, every kingdom that’s at odds with itself ends up in ruins, and a house divided against itself straight up crumbles.
If Satan’s squad is fighting each other, how do you expect his empire to last? You’re saying I kick out demons by being buddies with Beelzebub.
And if I use a TikTok filter to banish evil spirits, who do your own friends use to do the same? So they should be the ones to judge you.
Yo, if I’m out here casting out devils with God’s power, no doubt the kingdom of God is straight up here for you, fam.
When a totally buff dude has a tight security on his crib, all his stuff stays chill and unbothered:
But when a total beast comes in and totally owns him, like, he takes away all his fancy armor that he thought was cool, and totally shows off his loot.
If you’re not on my team, you’re against me. And if you’re not helping me, you’re just making a mess.
Once the evil spirit bounces out of a person, it wanders around in deserted spots, desperately looking for peace. But since it can’t find any, it’s like, ‘I’m going back to where I came from, my dudes.’
And when he arrives, he sees that all cleaned up and looking fresh.
So, like, this guy goes and gets seven even more evil spirits than himself and they totally move in and take over. And then it’s like, the guy’s situation becomes way worse than before, you know?
As he was saying these things, a woman from the group spoke up and said, ‘Lucky is the mom who gave birth to you and the boobs you sucked.’
But like, for real, blessed are those who actually listen to God’s Word and legit live it out.
And when all the people were like, packed together, he started saying, ‘Yo, this generation is messed up. All they want is some crazy sign, but they ain’t getting any except the one Jonah the prophet did.’
Just like how Jonas was a major flex for those Ninevites, the Son of man is gonna be a lit vibe for our generation, ya feel?
The queen from the south will emerge in the final judgment alongside the guys of this era and put them to shame. She traveled all the way from the corners of the world to soak up Solomon’s wisdom, and guess what? There’s someone even more amazing than Solomon right here.
The guys from Nineveh are gonna come back in the future and be like, ‘This generation totally messed up!’ ‘Cause they changed their ways when Jonah spoke up, but hey, someone even more awesome than Jonah is right here, right now.
Yo, when someone lights a candle, they don’t hide it or stash it away. They put that thing on a candle holder so that anyone who comes in can see the light, you know?
Your eyes are like the lightbulbs of your whole body. If your eyes are focused and clear, then your whole body will be filled with positivity and brightness. But if your eyes are clouded with negativity and darkness, then your whole body will be consumed by it.
So, like, make sure that the good vibes within you don’t turn into negative vibes, ya know?
If your whole vibe is lit and there’s no darkness in any part, then your whole vibe will be fully lit, just like when a dope candle shines bright and gives you good vibes. (Note: ‘dope’ means cool or awesome in Gen Z slang)
So, like, as he was talking, this Pharisee dude asked him to come and have dinner with him. And, of course, he accepted the invitation, went inside, and sat down to enjoy the meal.
And when the Pharisee saw, he was like, ‘Whoa, this dude didn’t even wash before grubbing.’
And God was like, yo Pharisees, you be all about that aesthetic, makin’ the outside of your cup and plate look all shiny and clean. But deep down, your inner selves are straight up messed up, filled with greed and wickedness.
Yo, fools, didn’t the one who created the outer stuff also create the inner stuff?
Instead, share what you have with those in need; and look, then everything will be good for you.
But listen up, Pharisees! You’re all about that mint, rue, and all those fancy herbs, but you completely ignore what really matters: doing what’s right and showing love for God. Sure, you shouldn’t neglect the herbs, but don’t forget about the important stuff too!
So, Pharisees, you’re in for a major bummer! You’re all about grabbing the best seats at the synagogues and soaking up those fancy hellos in the markets.
Dang, you scribes and Pharisees, such fakes! You’re like invisible graves, totally blending in, and people walking by have no clue!
Then this lawyer dude spoke up and was like, ‘Yo, Master, you’re totally calling us out with what you just said, too.’
And he was like, dang, you lawyers are in big trouble! You’re like loading people up with heavy burdens that really suck, but you don’t even lift a finger to help them out.
That’s seriously messed up, fam! You out here constructing fancy tombs for the prophets, but your ancestors are the ones who killed them. Like, what’s even up with that?
Seriously, you guys admit that you’re cool with doing what your ancestors did. They straight up killed those prophets and here you are, building fancy tombs for them.
So, like, God’s wisdom was all like, ‘Yo, I’m gonna send them prophets and apostles, and some of them haters gonna straight up kill and harass them, no cap
So, like, all the blood of the prophets that got spilled since forever ago, it’s, like, gonna be, um, the responsibility of this current generation, you know?
Yo, from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zacharias, who got wiped out between the altar and the temple, I’m telling ya, this generation’s gonna be held accountable for it.
Bruh, listen up, lawyers! Y’all straight up blocked the path to enlightenment. Not only did you not go in yourselves, but you also stopped others from entering. Like, c’mon, what’s up with that?!
And when he said this, the scribes and Pharisees totally started pressuring him, trying to get him to talk about all sorts of stuff:
They were totally plotting and trying to find something he said just so they could bring charges against him.

Luke 12

So, like, there were, like, a massive crowd, people practically tripping over each other. And then Jesus was all like, “Hey, listen up, squad! This is crucial, alright? Watch out for those Pharisees and their fake vibes, you know? They’re all about that hypocrisy.”
‘Cause nothing stays under wraps forever, everything’s gonna come out eventually, you know?
So basically, whatever you’re whispering behind closed doors will eventually hit the headlines, and whatever secrets you’re holding onto will be out in the open for everyone to peep.
Yo, listen up crew, don’t sweat those haters who just tryna mess with your vibe, ’cause once they’re done, they got no power left to do anything else.
But lemme clue you in on who you should really be sweating: Be afraid of the one who can not only end your life but can also throw you into hell. Yeah, I’m telling you, that’s the one you should be wary of.
Um, have you ever noticed how you can cop five sparrows for next to nothing? And here’s the thing, not one of them goes unnoticed by God, you know? Just shows He’s got His eyes on even the tiniest creatures and cares about every little thing happening in the world, no cap.
Yo, even every single strand of your hair has been counted. So, chill, fam: you’re worth way more than a whole gang of sparrows.
Oh, and listen up, peeps. Whoever reps me in front of others, well, the Son of Man will have their back in front of all the heavenly crew!
But anyone who disses me in front of others will get dissed by the angels of God.
If someone disses the Son of Man, they can be forgiven. But if they diss the Holy Ghost, that’s a whole different story.
And when they haul you up to the bigwigs, don’t sweat about what to say or how to say it:
Yo, the Holy Ghost got you covered. When it’s go-time, He’s gonna drop the knowledge and tell you exactly what to say, no sweat.
Yo, one of the squad rolled up to him like, “Yo, teach, tell my bro to split the inheritance with me.”
And he was like, bruh, who made me the judge or arbiter between you two?
Yo, listen up! Let me drop some wisdom on you. Don’t get caught up in that covetous lifestyle, alright? ‘Cause life ain’t just about flexing what you got. It’s deeper than material possessions, you dig?
So, like, Jesus kicked off this story, you know? He was like, ‘Yo, there was this baller, and his land was popping, bringing in mad crops and whatnot.
And he was like, yo, what am I gonna do with all these fruits and nowhere to stash ’em?
And he was like, yo, I got this plan. I’m gonna tear down my old storage barns and build even bigger ones, so I can stash all my fruits and stuff over there.
And I’ll be like, yo soul, you got so much stuff stacked up for years, just chill, eat, drink, and have a blast.
But God was like, ‘Listen up, you fool! Tonight, your soul will be taken away from you. So, who do you think will inherit all the stuff you’ve been hoarding?’
Like, if someone’s all about hoarding tons of stuff for themselves, and doesn’t give a second thought about having a real connection with God, then, like, they’re totally missing the point, you know?
And he’s like telling his crew, so I’m telling you, don’t stress about your life, like don’t overthink about what you’re gonna eat or what clothes you’re gonna wear.
Life’s more than just food and clothes, man.
Yo, peep the ravens, they out here not planting no seeds or harvesting, don’t even have a stash or a crib to store stuff. But check it, God still hooks them up with food. So, like, if He takes care of some birds, imagine how much more He’s got your back, my squad. You’re way more important than them feathered fam.
Seriously, why stress about adding an extra inch to your height? Like, it’s not something you can just magically control, you know?
If you can’t even handle the small stuff, why stress about the rest?
Just take a sec to check out those lilies—they don’t stress or work hard to look good, and yet, let me tell you, not even King Solomon, with all his lavishness, could match their fab-ness.
Like, if God can totally deck out the grass in the field today and then roast it in the oven tomorrow, imagine how much more He’ll hook you up, you doubters!
And like, don’t stress about what you’re gonna eat or drink, and don’t be all uncertain and stuff, you know? Chill, don’t overthink it.
So like, everyone in the whole world is always chasing after these things, you know? But, yo, here’s the deal: your Dad totally gets that you need these things too.
Instead, go after God’s kingdom and everything else will fall into place.
Don’t stress, fam; it’s your dad’s lit plan to hook you up with the kingdom.
Yo, like, sell all your stuff and give money to those in need. Invest in like, timeless fashion, man, that’s a heavenly treasure that never runs out, protected from thieves and moth damage.
Like, whatever you really value and put all your focus on, that’s where your heart will be too.
Make sure your outfit is on point and keep your phone flashlight ready at all times;
And you all, be like people who are waiting for their boss, when they come back from a lit party; so that when they arrive and start banging on the door, you can open it right away.
Those loyal homies are straight up blessed, yo! When the lord rolls up, if he finds them all alert and attentive, let me tell you, he’s gonna get hyped! He gonna put on his best swag and invite them to feast with him. And get this, he gonna serve them himself, like a boss!
And if he shows up in the middle of the night or even later and sees them doing their thing, those servants are totally blessed.
Just so you know, if the person running the crib knew when the thief was gonna roll up, they would’ve kept an eye out and made sure their place wasn’t jacked.
So, like, just be prepared, okay? ‘Cause the Son of man will show up when you least expect it, man.
Yo, Peter asked Him, ‘Yo Lord, are you telling this story just for us or for everyone?’
Yo, the Lord was like, who’s gonna be the real one in charge, you know? The one who’s loyal and smart, and can handle running the whole crib? They gotta be on point, serving up that grub at the right time.
How awesome is that servant who is found by his boss doing his work when he arrives.
I’m telling you straight up, he’s gonna make him the ultimate boss over everything he’s got.
But what if that servant starts thinking, like, ‘Yo, my boss is taking forever to show up.’ And then he starts bossing around other staff and being all violent and stuff, partying hard, drinking ’til he’s wasted.
The boss of that servant will pop up unexpectedly one day, catching him completely off-guard, and give him a major reality check. He’ll be left hanging with the non-believers. (Or in other words, he’ll be totally cut off!)
And that servant, who knew exactly what their boss wanted them to do, but didn’t bother to get ready or actually do it, will face a whole lot of consequences.
But if someone didn’t know any better and did things that deserved punishment, they’ll get a few whacks. Because the more you’ve been given, the more will be expected from you. And if people have entrusted you with a lot, they’ll demand even more from you.
Yo, I’ve come to bring the heat on this world. Like, imagine if it’s already lit, what more can I possibly do?
TBH, I’ve got this baptism to go through and I’m like so eager for it to happen! It’s low-key giving me some major feels and I can’t wait for it to be done! #cantwait
Do y’all think I came to bring the chill vibes and peace on this planet? Nah, I gotta be real with ya, it’s quite the opposite – I’m here to shake things up and cause some serious division.
Yo, listen up! From now on, things are gonna get real chaotic at home. It’s gonna be like a real-life game of tug of war, with five people in one crib splitting up into teams. You got three homies on Team A and two on Team B, but it’s gonna be a serious showdown because Team B is ganging up on Team A with three members. It’s gonna be intense, bro!
Fam, it’s gonna be real tough out here – even fam against fam. Dad against son, son against dad, mom against daughter, daughter against mom. Even the in-laws gonna be caught up in this mess, with the mother-in-law against the daughter-in-law, and the daughter-in-law against the mother-in-law.
And he was like, yo to the people, when you see a cloud coming from the west, you immediately go like, ‘Yo, it’s about to rain!’ and that’s exactly what happens, yo.
And when you peeps spot that south wind blowing, you’re like, ‘Yo, it’s about to get hot up in here!’ And sure enough, it totally happens.
Yo, fake peeps, you can peep the weather and stuff, but how come you can’t peep what’s going on right now?
Seriously, dudes, like, why don’t you even try to figure out what’s right on your own?
When you’re dealing with someone you have a problem with, and you both end up facing an authority figure, make sure to put in the effort to resolve things before it gets worse. Otherwise, you might end up being taken to court, and from there, handed over to the police, who will throw you in jail.
Listen up, bro, you ain’t getting outta there until you’ve paid every single penny, believe me.

Luke 13

So, like, at that time, some peeps came up to him, spillin’ about these Galileans. Word on the street was, Pilate got mixed up their blood with their sacrifices or somethin’. Crazy vibes, right?
Yo, Jesus was all, listen up, fam, y’all think these Galileans were the biggest sinners just ’cause they went through some tough times?
Peep this: No way, but if y’all don’t switch up, all of you gonna be outta here.
Yo, what’s the deal with those eighteen people who got squashed by the tower in Siloam? Y’all really think they were more sinful than everyone else in Jerusalem?
Real talk, if y’all don’t repent, you gonna end up the same, straight up.
So, like, there was this dude who had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, ya know? He went to check it out, lookin’ for some fruit, but it was a no-show, man.
Then he’s like, yo, to the vineyard caretaker, I’ve been checkin’ this fig tree for three years now, hopin’ for some juicy fruit, but it’s been a total letdown. Let’s chop it, man, it’s just takin’ up space.
But the caretaker’s like, yo, let’s give it one more chance, I’ll give it some TLC, see if it shapes up.
And if it starts flexin’, cool. But if not, we gotta cut it loose.
So, like, he’s just, you know, dropping wisdom in this chill synagogue on the sabbath.
Yo, check it, there was this woman who’d been dealing with a serious health issue for 18 years, all hunched over and stuff.
When Jesus saw her, he hit her up like, ‘Girl, you free from your struggles now.’
He reached out and touched her, and just like that, she was good, givin’ props to God.
But the synagogue boss was all worked up ’cause Jesus healed on the sabbath. He’s like, ‘There’s six other days for this, why you gotta do it on the sabbath?’
And Jesus is like, ‘Seriously? You untie your animals and let them drink on the Sabbath, but I can’t heal someone? Hypocritical much?’
Shouldn’t this woman, a descendant of Abraham, who’s been tied up by Satan for eighteen years, be set free on the freakin’ sabbath?
After Jesus dropped those truths, his haters were straight embarrassed, but the people were vibin’ on all the epic stuff he did.
Yo, he’s like, ‘How can I describe the kingdom of God?’
Imagine a tiny mustard seed a dude planted. It grows into this massive tree where birds can chill and make nests in its branches, yo!
And again he’s like, yo, what’s the deal with the kingdom of God, fam?
It’s like when this chick sneaks some leaven into three batches of dough, leavenin’ it all up.
So Jesus is cruising through cities and villages, spreadin’ wisdom, on his way to Jerusalem, you know, to keep doin’ his thing.
Someone’s like, ‘Yo, Jesus, only a few gonna be saved?’ And Jesus is like,
Do your best to get through that narrow gate, ’cause a lot of folks gonna try but won’t make it.
When the big boss locks the door, and you’re outside bangin’ on it, he’s gonna be like, ‘Nah, don’t know you.’
And you’ll be like, ‘But we hung out, ate, drank, you taught on our streets.’
But he’s gonna be like, ‘Nah, I don’t know you, evildoers.’
There’s gonna be a lot of tears when you see Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and all the prophets chillin’ in God’s kingdom, and you’re left out.
People from everywhere gonna kick it in the kingdom.
Some you think are last gonna be first, and some who claim to be first gonna find themselves last. Life’s wild, my peeps.
Pharisees roll up like, ‘Yo, you gotta bounce, Herod’s out to get you.’
Jesus is like, ‘Go tell Herod I’m kickin’ out demons and healin’ today and tomorrow, and on the third day I’m out.’
But yo, I gotta keep movin’ ’cause prophets like me gotta do their thing in Jerusalem.
Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you keep killin’ the prophets I send, I’m tryna gather you up like a protective hen, but you ain’t havin’ it!
Listen up! Your crib’s gonna be deserted, no cap. And you won’t see me till you’re like, ‘Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.’

Luke 14

So, there’s this dude just vibin’, right? And he decides to hit up a top Pharisee’s crib to grab some grub on the Sabbath. But little did he know, they were totally keeping tabs on him.
Yo, peep this, there’s this dude standing in front of him with the dropsy.
So Jesus was like, “Sup?” and talked to the lawyers and Pharisees, asking them, like, “Is it cool to, like, heal on the Sabbath or what?”
And they were silent. Then he fixed the guy up and let him bounce;
And they were like, “Yo, which one of y’all wouldn’t rescue your pet if it fell in a hole on a holy day?”
But they couldn’t even come back with a clapback.
So, Jesus told a story to those invited, ’cause he peeped how they were all tryna snag the best seats. And he’s like,
When you get invited to a wedding, don’t just snag the VIP spot. You might get overshadowed by someone even more lit than you.
And if the host tells you to move for someone more important, don’t front; take the less lit seat.
But if you snag a low-key seat, the host might be like, ‘Yo, come sit up here!’ and you’ll get major props.
If someone tries to flex, they’ll end up embarrassed, but if they’re chill and humble, they’ll get mad respect.
And Jesus was like, when you throw a lit party, invite not just your crew, but also those struggling – the ones who don’t have much, those with disabilities, and the visually impaired.
You’ll be blessed ’cause they can’t pay you back, but you’ll get repaid big time in the end.
And when one of the squad at the table heard this, he was like, ‘Shoutout to those munching on heavenly bread in God’s kingdom, man.’
So this dude was like, ‘Yo, peep this. There was this guy throwing the sickest party ever and invited mad peeps.’
Then he shot a text to his homie, ‘Yo, the feast is lit – slide through ASAP, everything’s on point.’
But they all made excuses. The first guy was like, ‘Sorry, dude, just copped some sick land, gotta check it out ASAP.’
Another dude said, ‘Just got five oxen, gotta test ’em out.’
And another was like, ‘Nah, just got hitched.’
So the host told his servant to invite the poor, disabled, and disadvantaged.
The servant’s like, ‘Yo, boss, did it but there’s still space.’
Boss man said, ‘Hit the roads and alleys, persuade peeps to come, so my crib can be lit.’
And the servant’s like, ‘Got it, boss.’
Hey, listen up y’all! Not a single one of those invited is gonna taste my epic feast.
And a bunch of people were following him, so he said,
If anyone isn’t down to prioritize me over their fam or even their life, they can’t be my true follower.
And if you ain’t ready to handle your struggles and roll with me, you can’t be my disciple.
Like, who starts building without checking if they got enough cash to finish?
Imagine starting and not finishing. Everyone would clown on you, right?
He was like, ‘This dude started but couldn’t finish.’
Imagine a king about to battle, but he’s gotta check if he can handle it first.
Or he tries to make peace before the fight even starts.
If anyone ain’t ready to give up everything, they can’t roll with me.
Salt’s dope, but if it loses its flavor, what’s the point?
It’s worthless. If you’re paying attention, then listen up, my dudes.

Luke 15

Then all the tax collectors and ‘party animals’ gathered around to listen to him, like, they were totally tuned in.
So, like, the Pharisees and scribes were all like, whispering and stuff, and saying, You won’t believe it, but this dude actually hangs out with sinners and even grabs a bite with them.
So, he started explaining this story to them, like,
Imagine this, fam: You’re a shepherd chilling with a hundred sheep, right? But then, one of them goes missing. Would you just leave the other ninety-nine alone in the wilderness and not search high and low until you find that lost sheep? Nah, man! You gotta go find your lost homie!
And when he finally finds it, he throws it over his shoulders and starts celebrating like crazy.
And when he gets back home, he gathers all his squad and fam, shouting out to them like, ‘Let’s get lit, y’all! I found my lost sheep!’
Yo, listen up! In heaven, there’s gonna be mad joy when just one sinner comes to the realness and repents. It’s gonna be even more lit than celebrating the ninety-nine righteous people who be living right and don’t need no repentance.
Imagine this girl who has like, ten shiny coins. But oh no, she loses one! So what does she do? She grabs a candle, cleans the entire house, and goes on a serious scavenger hunt until she finds that precious coin. She’s determined to find it! You know, just like a drachma is a small part of an ounce, this coin is like worth some serious dough, like Roman penny level. It’s valuable and worth searching for!
And when she finally finds it, she texts her friends and neighbors like, ‘OMG you guys, celebrate with me! I found the thing I lost!’
And I’m like, listen up fam, when just one person decides to turn their life around and repent, it’s a total party up in heaven with all the angels. It’s all about that joy, you know what I’m saying?
So, like, there was this dude who had two sons:
The younger one asks his dad, ‘Yo, Dad! Can I get my share of the loot now?’ So the dad split his stuff and gave it to both of them.
And, like, not long after that, the younger son got all his stuff and went on a trip to a faraway place. He totally blew all his money on wild parties and stuff.
So, like, this dude was spending all his cash, and then BAM! A major famine hit the land, and suddenly he was totally broke.
So he like went and started hanging out with this local guy in town, and this guy was all like, ‘Go take care of my pigs on my land.’
And he was so hungry that he really wanted to eat the pig’s leftovers, but nobody gave him anything.
And like, when he finally woke up and realized what was going on, he was like, ‘OMG, my dad’s workers have so much food to eat, and here I am starving!’
I’m gonna get up and head over to my dad, and I’ll be like, ‘Hey, Dad, I messed up big time, both in the eyes of heaven and in front of you.’
And I don’t even deserve to be called your son anymore: just treat me like one of your workers.
So the guy got up and went to his dad. But from pretty far away, his dad spotted him and felt super sorry, so he sprinted over, hugged him tight, and gave him a big smooch.
And the son was like, ‘Yo, Dad, I messed up big time. I’ve totally disappointed heaven and you, and I don’t even deserve to be called your son anymore.’
Yo, listen up, servants! Grab that sickest robe and hook this dude up with it. Oh, and don’t forget to slide a dope ring on his hand and some fresh kicks on his feet!
Yo, go get that prime chunk of meat, slay it, and let’s grub and throw a lit party!
My dude, just peep this: my son was straight-up gone, like, spiritually dead and all. But now, he’s back in the game, totally alive! He was lost, like, on some next-level level, but we finally found him. And let me tell you, we all started partying like there’s no tomorrow. It was epic!
So the older son was out in the field, and when he came near the house, he heard some lit music and dancing going on.
So he goes up to one of his peeps, a servant, and is like, ‘Yo, what’s the deal with all this?’
And he was like, ‘Yo, guess what? Your bro is here and your dad straight up roasted the best calf because he’s pumped that he came back in one piece.’
But he was so mad, he just couldn’t go inside. So his dad came out and begged him to come in.
And he was like, yo, dad, I’ve been serving you for mad years and I never once broke your commandments. But you never gave me a lit party with my homies, not even a little goat, man!
But once your son came back, who wasted all your money on partying and bad choices, you threw a massive celebration for him.
And he was like, ‘Dude, you’re always here with me, and everything I’ve got is totally yours.’
It was totally lit that we should turn up and be hype, ’cause your bro was straight up gone, but now he’s back and we found him, no cap.

Luke 16

So, Jesus was like, ‘Listen up, fam. There was this mega rich dude who had a manager. But then, someone spilled the tea to the rich guy that the manager was totally slacking off with his stuff.’
So, he hit him up and was like, ‘Bro, what’s the deal with all this chatter about you? Explain yourself and all the stuff you’re handling, ’cause your gig might be up soon.’
So, the manager was like, ‘Bruh, what am I gonna do? My boss is about to drop me: I’m not about that manual labor life, and begging is straight-up embarrassing.’
He’s like, ‘I got a plan, though. So when I’m out of here, they’ll be cool with me.’
So he reached out to all the homies who owed his boss some cash and asked the first dude, ‘Yo, how much you owe to my boss?’
The guy’s like, ‘I owe a hundred measures of oil, bro.’ And the manager’s like, ‘Okay, take your bill and write down fifty, real quick.’ Oh, and a ‘measure’ back then was like nine gallons and three quarts, just so you know.
Then he hit up another person, ‘And how much you owe?’ They’re like, ‘I owe a hundred baskets of wheat.’ He tells them, ‘Take your bill and write eighty.’
And the boss actually gave props to the slick manager because he was pretty sharp about it: yeah, the kids in this world know how to hustle better than the ones who claim to be enlightened.
Listen up, y’all! I gotta drop some truth. Start making friends with that shady cash. Why? ‘Cause when things go south, those connections will welcome you into eternal spots. (Oh, and ‘mammon’ means riches.)
Someone who’s legit in small things will also be legit in big things, and someone who’s shady in small things will also be shady in big things.
If you can’t be trusted with the stacks, who’s gonna trust you with the real deal, fam? #priorities
And if you’re not loyal with someone else’s stuff, who’s gonna hook you up with your own, though?
You can’t serve two bosses – you’ll end up hating one and favoring the other. You can’t be all about God while chasing after that cash flow.
Even the Pharisees, who were all about that money, heard everything he said and straight-up roasted him.
And he’s like, y’all are all about impressing people and getting validation from them, but God knows what’s really in your hearts. Like, all that stuff that society thinks is super important and prestigious? God is actually disgusted by it.
The old rules and prophecies were in play until John came around – but since then, the hype about God’s kingdom is real, and everyone’s racing to be a part of it.
Heaven and earth would have an easier time disappearing than even the smallest part of the law going out of style.
If someone ditches their partner and hooks up with someone else, they’re committing adultery. And if someone gets with a person who just got ditched, they’re also committing adultery.
Once upon a time, there was this super wealthy dude who rocked the freshest purple clothes and looked fly in his luxury linens. And you know what? This dude had lit feasts every single day like it was no big deal.
So, there was this dude called Lazarus who was a beggar, always posted up by the gate, dealing with mad sores.
And he was craving those leftover scraps from the bougie parties: and the dogs came over and licked his wounds.
So like, this beggar dude passed away, and the angels were like, ‘We got you, bro,’ and took him to kick it with Abraham in this super cozy spot. Meanwhile, the rich dude kicked the bucket too, but he got a traditional burial.
And in hell, he looked up and saw Abraham and Lazarus. They were far away, but he could still see them. He was in so much agony.
And he was like, yo Father Abraham, please show some mercy and ask Lazarus to just touch his finger in water and cool my tongue, ’cause I’m getting roasted in this flame.
But yo, Abraham was like, ‘Dude, remember when you were living it up, getting everything good in life? And Lazarus was chilling with all those struggles? Well, now the tables have turned. He’s finding comfort and you, my friend, are straight-up suffering.’
Yo, listen up! There’s, like, a massive gap between us and you that can’t be crossed. So basically, anyone trying to go from here to you can’t, and vice versa. No way to bridge that gap, fam.
And he’s like, yo, dad, can you please send him back to my dad’s place?
Yo, I got five bros, and I’m just trying to clue them in so they don’t end up in this messed up place of suffering.
Abraham’s like, ‘Dude, they’ve got Moses and the prophets. They should totally listen to what they’re saying.’
And he’s like, nah, Father Abraham! But like, if someone came back from the dead and talked to them, I’m sure they’d totally change their ways.
And he’s like, yo, if they don’t even listen to Moses and the prophets, they ain’t gonna be convinced even if someone comes back from the dead. Like, for real.

Luke 17

So, like, Jesus was kickin’ it with his crew, and he was all, “Listen up, y’all, it’s gonna be tough dodging drama-makers, but those causing the chaos? They’re in for a wild ride.”
He straight up said it’s better for someone to have a millstone tied around their neck and be chucked into the ocean than to mess with these young ones.
Fam, if your bro disses you, call ’em out. If they’re sorry, forgive ’em.
But, like, if they mess up seven times in a day and keep apologizing, forgive ’em, no questions asked.
Yo, Lord, we’re tight, but can you boost our faith game?
And God was like, “Even a speck of faith can move mountains, no joke.”
Imagine this: You got a servant working hard, you’re not gonna let ’em chill until you’ve had your fill.
You’re gonna be all, “Get my grub ready, then serve me. After that, you can eat and drink.”
Does the servant get a “thank you” for just doing their job? Nah.
When you’ve done your duties, just be like, “We’re just doing our thing, no flex.”
So, this dude was rollin’ to Jerusalem, passin’ through Samaria and Galilee, chillin’.
Jesus shows up in a village, and there are ten lepers keepin’ their distance.
They’re like, “Jesus, have mercy!”
He’s like, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” As they bounce, they get healed.
One dude, stoked about being healed, goes back praising God loudly.
He bows down, thanking Jesus, and by the way, he’s a Samaritan.
Jesus is like, “I healed ten, where are the other nine?”
Only this random dude thanked God.
Jesus tells him, “Your faith made you whole.”
Pharisees ask about the kingdom of God, Jesus says it ain’t about flashy displays, it’s right here among you.
Don’t go shouting, “Look here!” or “Look there!” ’cause God’s kingdom is already here.
Listen up, squad! There’ll be a time when you’ll wanna see the Son of Man, but you won’t.
Don’t chase after rumors, just chill.
Like lightning, the Son of Man’s return will be intense.
But first, he’s gotta face struggles and rejection.
When the Son of Man shows, it’ll be like Noah’s time.
They were chillin’ until the flood wiped ’em out.
Same vibe as Lot’s time; people were livin’ it up until destruction came.
When Lot left Sodom, destruction followed.
Same deal when the Son of Man shows, no cap.
When that day comes, if you’re on the roof, don’t go down. If you’re in the field, don’t turn back.
Remember Lot’s wife.
If you try to save yourself, you’ll lose out. Take risks, come out on top.
When night falls, one will be taken, the other left.
Two girls hangin’, one goes, one stays.
Two dudes in the field, one’s chosen, the other left. (Some versions don’t have this verse.)
They’re like, “Where, Lord?” He’s like, “Wherever the action is, that’s where you’ll find the crew.”

Luke 18

So, Jesus was dropping some wisdom, you know, telling a story to drive his point home. Basically, he was saying, we gotta stay connected with the Big Guy upstairs, never losing faith or giving up, you feel me?
There was this judge in a random city who couldn’t care less about God or people, like zero chill, you know? No respect for anyone.
Then there’s this widow who’s been through it, she rolls up to him like, ‘Hey, help me out here against my enemy!’
At first, he’s all like, ‘Nah, not my problem.’ But then he’s like, ‘Okay, even though I’m not big on God or people…’
But this widow won’t let up, man. So, he’s like, ‘Fine, I’ll make sure she gets justice, otherwise she’ll keep nagging me, and it’s gonna get old.’
God’s like, ‘Check this out, listen to what the shady judge is saying.’
Think about it, ain’t God gonna have your back if you keep praying, day and night? Even if it takes a minute, He’s gonna set things straight, fam.
Heads up, God’s gonna bring justice real quick. But when the Son of Man shows up, is anyone gonna be holding onto their faith?
Jesus told a story to some folks who thought they were all that and looked down on others:
There were these two guys hitting up the temple for a prayer sesh. One’s a Pharisee, the other’s a tax collector for the government.
Pharisee’s all standing there, praying like, ‘Yo God, props to you, ’cause I’m not like those sketchy dudes, you know, the cheaters, the liars, or even that tax collector over there.’
‘I’m all about that fasting and tithing grind. Twice a week, I’m fasting like a champ! And when it comes to giving back, I’m tithing big time – ten percent, no less. That’s dedication!’
Tax guy, he’s at the back, won’t even look up, just beating his chest, like, ‘Yo, God, be cool with me, I’ve messed up big time.’
Real talk, that humble tax dude? He’s the real deal, man. He’s the one who’s got it right, not Mr. Pharisee over there. ‘Cause anyone who’s all full of themselves is gonna eat humble pie, but the humble ones? They’re the winners!
People were bringing babies to Jesus, hoping for a blessing. But the squad, seeing this, were like, ‘Nah, chill with the kids.’
Jesus is like, ‘Hold up, let the kids come, don’t block them. The kingdom of God is all about folks like them.’
Seriously, if you ain’t vibing with God’s kingdom like a kid, you ain’t getting in.
So, this big shot rolls up to Jesus, like, ‘Hey man, what’s the deal with scoring eternal life?’
Jesus is like, ‘Why you calling me good? Only God’s truly good, bro.’
You know the drill, right? No messing with taken peeps, no taking lives, no swiping stuff, no spreading lies, always respect your folks.
Dude’s like, ‘Yeah, I got all that covered since day one.’
Then Jesus hits him with, ‘One more thing, sell all your stuff, give to the poor, and you’ll have treasure in heaven. Then, come follow me!’
Dude’s bummed ’cause he’s got stacks.
Jesus sees he’s bummed and drops, ‘It’s gonna be tough for rich folks to hit up God’s scene, you know!’
Like, easier for a camel to squeeze through a needle’s eye than for a rich dude to get into God’s kingdom.
Folks are like, ‘Whoa, who can even get saved then?’
Jesus is like, ‘What’s impossible for humans is possible with God.’
Peter’s like, ‘Yo, we’ve left everything and rolled with you, man.’
Jesus is like, ‘Seriously, listen up, anyone who ditches everything for God’s kingdom,
They’re gonna get way more now and later, with a dope eternal life bonus.
He gathers his squad of twelve, lays it out: ‘We’re rolling into Jerusalem, and everything about the Son of Man’s gonna play out, just like written.’
‘He’s gonna get handed over to non-Jewish folks, they’re gonna mess him up, treat him like dirt, spit on him, for real.’
‘They’ll straight up beat him down and kill him. But on day three, he’s coming back, no joke.’
Squad’s clueless, like it’s all going over their heads, they can’t wrap their heads around it.
Jesus is cruising by Jericho, blind dude by the road, begging for help.
He hears the crowd, asks, ‘What’s going on?’
They’re like, ‘Jesus of Nazareth’s rolling by, man.’
Blind dude shouts, ‘Jesus, bro, Son of David, have mercy!’
Folks try to hush him up, but he shouts louder, ‘Yo, Son of David, show me some love!’
Jesus is like, ‘Bring him over.’ As he approaches, Jesus asks,
‘What do you want?’ Dude’s like, ‘Lord, I wanna see again.’
Jesus says, ‘Bro, your vision’s back! Your faith’s on point.’
Dude’s sight returns, starts rolling with Jesus, praising God. Everyone’s amazed, showing major respect to God.

Luke 19

So, Jesus rolls into Jericho like he owns the place.
There’s this dude, Zacchaeus, running the tax game, rolling in cash.
Zacchaeus is dying to see Jesus but can’t catch a glimpse over the crowd. Total buzzkill.
So, Zacchaeus bolts, climbs a tree just to peep Jesus as he passes.
Jesus spots Zacchaeus, “Bro, get down! I’m crashing at your pad tonight, no questions.”
Zacchaeus bounces down, stoked to host Jesus.
People start gossiping, “He’s hanging with a major sinner.”
Zacchaeus is like, “Yo, Jesus! Check it, I’m donating half my wealth and paying back fourfold if I’ve ever ripped anyone off.”
Jesus is impressed, “Your crib just scored salvation, bro. You’re true Abraham fam.”
Jesus came to find and save the lost.
Jesus drops a parable as they near Jerusalem, everyone expecting the kingdom to pop.
This dude jets to a distant land to snag his kingdom, then returns.
He gives his squad cash and says, “Make it grow till I’m back.” FYI, a stack is worth a lot.
But his peeps back home are like, “Nah, we ain’t feeling him as our leader.”
When he returns, he checks his squad’s hustle.
First dude doubled the cash, gets major props.
“You’re responsible, bro. Rule ten cities.”
Second dude multiplied it by five, gets leadership over five cities.
Third dude just hid the cash, gets called out.
“You knew I’m about hustle. You should’ve at least banked it!”
“I’ll judge you accordingly, shady servant.”
“If you got it, you’ll get more. If not, you’ll lose what you got.”
“Bring me the cash. Give it to the one with mad stacks.”
(They’re like, “This dude’s got stacks.”)
“If you got something, you’ll get more. But if you’re already low, you’re losing.”
“Those who hate me, bring ’em here.”
Jesus moves on toward Jerusalem.
Near Bethphage and Bethany, on the Mount of Olives, he sends his crew.
“Go to that village, untie the colt, and bring it here.”
“If someone asks, say, ‘The Lord needs it.’”
They find the colt, answer the owners, and bring it to Jesus.
They lay clothes on it and Jesus hops on.
They roll into town, everyone’s hyped.
Disciples start praising God for all the miracles they’ve seen.
“Shoutout to the King coming in the Lord’s name! Peace in heaven, highest respect!”
Pharisees tell Jesus to calm his crew.
“If they stop, the rocks will start shouting!”
Jesus weeps for the city.
“You missed the chance for peace.”
“Enemies will surround you and tear you down.”
Jesus cleans house at the temple, kicking out sellers.
“My crib’s for prayer, not for ripping people off.”
Jesus drops wisdom bombs daily, but the higher-ups plot against him.
They can’t touch him ’cause everyone’s feeling his vibe.

Luke 20

So, Jesus was just vibin’ one day, droppin’ knowledge bombs at the temple, and the OGs, like the chief priests, scribes, and elders, rolled up like, ‘Sup?’
They hit him with the classic, ‘Who do you think you are? What gives you the authority to do all this?’ You know, throwing shade.
Jesus flipped the script and hit ’em back with a question of his own.
He was like, ‘Was John’s baptism legit, or was it just some human-made thing?’
They were shook tryna figure out how to answer without getting roasted.
Like, if they said it was from heaven, Jesus would be like, ‘Why didn’t you believe him then?’ But if they dissed it, the people would riot, ’cause they all thought John was the real deal.
They were straight-up clueless.
Jesus kept it mysterious, like, ‘I’m not spillin’ the tea on where I get my power from, fam.’
Then he dropped a story for the crowd.
It was about this guy who owned a vineyard and hired workers, but when he sent his peeps to collect, they got beat down.
Again and again, they sent messengers, but they all got dissed.
Eventually, the owner sent his son, thinking they’d show him some respect. But nah, they straight-up offed him.
So, what’s the owner gonna do now?
He’s gonna wreck those workers and give the vineyard to someone else.
When the peeps heard that, they were like, ‘No way, God!’
Jesus dropped the mic, saying how the stone the builders dissed became the main event.
Anyone who messes with that stone gets wrecked.
Mess with the stone, get crushed. Simple as that.
The high priests and scribes were low-key tryna catch Jesus, but they were scared of the crowd, knowing he was throwin’ shade at them.
So, they sent spies to trip him up.
They buttered him up, saying, ‘We know you keep it real with God and don’t play favorites.’
Then they hit him with the tax question.
Jesus saw right through their game.
He asked for a coin and schooled them on Caesar’s domain.
‘Give Caesar his stuff and give God what’s His.’
They were speechless, mind blown and all that.
Then the Sadducees came through with a resurrection riddle.
They asked about Moses’ rule on marriage after death.
Seven dudes, one woman, no kids. Tough luck.
Second guy tried, same result.
It was like a cursed cycle.
Woman kicked the bucket too.
So, in the afterlife, who’s she with?
Jesus dropped some wisdom, saying afterlife is a whole different vibe.
No tying the knot in heaven, just eternal chillin’.
Those who rise up are on another level, like angels.
Moses knew what’s up, calling God the God of the living.
Scribes were like, ‘Preach!’
And they dared not ask more questions.
Jesus flipped the script again, asking them about the Christ.
How can Christ be David’s son?
David straight-up called him Lord.
So, what’s the deal?
Jesus kept it real, explaining the paradox.
He dropped knowledge bombs to his disciples.
Watch out for those scribes flexin’ in their robes, hustlin’ for recognition.
They front like they’re religious but scam widows. That’s a major no-no.

Luke 21

So, dude looked up and saw these rich peeps flexin’, straight up tossing their donations into the collection box.
So, like, he noticed this one widow who was really struggling financially, and she, like, dropped in two tiny coins into the offering box.
Yo, for real, I gotta tell you something. This legit broke widow just dropped a bigger amount than all these peeps combined.
Like, everyone else was just casually tossing in their extra cash to the offerings of God, but this one girl, she straight up gave everything she had, even though she was broke af.
And as some were talking about the temple, like, how it was decked out with fancy stones and dope presents, he was like,
Listen up! What you see here will be totally wrecked in the future. Not a single stone will be left standing on another.
And they were like, yo, teacher, when is all this gonna go down? And like, what’s the sign we should look out for when it’s about to happen?
Yo, listen up and be careful not to get tricked, ’cause there’s gonna be a bunch of people coming around claiming they’re me, like, ‘Yo, I’m the real deal!’. But don’t fall for it, ’cause the end times are coming, yo! Don’t follow after those imposters, alright?
But when you hear about conflicts and chaos, don’t freak out: ’cause this stuff’s gotta happen first; but it’s not gonna be over just like that.
And he was like, yo guys, there’s gonna be mad conflicts between countries, like nation against nation, and even kingdoms fighting kingdoms, you feel me?
So, like, there’s gonna be some major earthquakes happening all over the place, and, like, there’ll be famines and pestilences too. And, get this, there’s gonna be these totally frightening sights and massive signs appearing in the sky.
But before all this goes down, they’re gonna come after you, like seriously lay their hands on you and persecute you. You’re gonna be snatched up and dragged into the synagogues and prisons, for real. And get this, you’ll even end up in front of all these big-shot kings and rulers just because you’re repping my name.
And it’s gonna be, like, your cool way of telling others about it.
So, like, chill out and keep this in mind, fam: Don’t stress about what to say when you gotta respond to something.
I got you covered, fam! I’ll bless you with straight-up mad skills and wisdom that’ll leave your haters speechless and powerless to come back at you.
And like, dude, just so you know, your parents, siblings, relatives, and even friends might totally betray you, and like, it’s real messed up but some of you might even end up getting straight up killed.
And everyone is gonna straight up hate on you just because you’re reppin’ me, like, my name bein’ involved and all.
But not even a single strand of your hair will be harmed.
Just chill and keep it together, yo, and you’ll totally own your souls, no doubt.
And when you peep Jerusalem all surrounded by armies, you’ll know that destruction is right around the corner.
Yo, if you’re in Judaea, peace out to the mountains ASAP. And if you’re chillin’ in the middle of it, GTFO. And for real, don’t even think about entering if you’re from the nearby areas.
These days are all about seekin’ revenge, so that everything that’s been written can come true.
It’s gonna be tough for those who are expecting or taking care of infants during that time! The land is gonna be in a major crisis and this whole community will face some serious anger.
And they’re gonna get wrecked in battles and taken prisoner all over the place, and Jerusalem will get trampled on by non-Jews, until the non-Jew era is finished.
Like, there will be legit signs appearin’ in the sun, moon, and stars; and on the earth, countries will be super stressed and confused; the ocean and waves will be like, totally roarrrin’!
People buggin’ out ’cause they scared AF, stressin’ ’bout the crazy stuff happenin’ on earth. Brace yourself ’cause even the heavenly powers gonna get rocked.
And then they gonna witness the Son of man rollin’ up in a cloud with mad power and insane glory.
And when all this starts happening, just look up and raise your heads; because your salvation is getting closer.
So Jesus tells them a cool story: Check out that fig tree over there, and all the other trees too!
When you see plants blooming, you can tell that summer is right around the corner, no doubt.
Okay, listen up fam. When you peeps witness all these things go down, just know that the kingdom of God is like, totally about to happen soon. So, get ready and stay woke, my dudes.
I’m telling you for real, guys, this crew right here won’t be gone until every single thing goes down as planned.
Like, heaven and earth might fade away, but my words are gonna stay, no doubt.
Yo, make sure you watch yourselves, like seriously, don’t let yourselves get weighed down by stuffing your faces, getting wasted, and stressing about this worldly life, because the day might just creep up on you outta nowhere, no cap.
Yo, it’s gonna come at everybody on this whole earth like a major trap, no cap.
So like, make sure to stay woke and stay praying all the time, so that you can be considered to be worth escaping all the stuff that’s gonna happen, and stand before the Son of man.
During the day, he was dropping mad knowledge in the temple, and at night, he dipped and crashed at this lit place called the mount of Olives.
And like, hella people showed up super early in the morning to chill with him at the temple, just to listen to what he had to say.

Luke 22

So, like, it was almost time for the feast of unleavened bread, aka Passover.
So, you know, the big religious crew and the brainiacs were totally scheming on how to get rid of him, ’cause they were freaked out by how many people were backing him.
So then, like, Satan totally took control of Judas, that dude with the last name Iscariot, you know, who was part of the squad of twelve disciples.
And he bounced, hit up the big religious leaders and the squad captains, brainstorming how he could sell Jesus out to them.
And they were hyped, agreed to toss him some cash.
And he was down to betray Jesus when no one was around, no drama, just sneaky handing him over.
So, it was Passover day, time to off the passover lamb.
So, Jesus shot a text to Peter and John, like, ‘Hey guys, prep the passover stuff for us.’
And they were like, ‘Cool, where should we set up though?’
And he was like, listen up, once you hit the city, this dude with a water bottle will find you. Just follow him to the spot.
Yo, talking to the main dude here. Jesus wants to know where’s the spot for the hangout? Gonna munch on that passover feast with my crew, you feel me?
He’ll hook you up with a dope loft: set it up there.
So they went and found everything ready for the Passover, just as Jesus had said.
And when it was time, he sat down, and the twelve apostles joined him.
And he was like, guys, I was really looking forward to eating this passover with you before I go through all that suffering stuff:
Listen up, fam! Just so you know, I won’t be chowing down on that anymore until it’s all been totally fulfilled in God’s kingdom. Trust!
Then he grabbed the cup, said thanks, and was like, ‘Yo, split this among you all:’
Yo, listen up. Just so you know, I’m not gonna have a sip of that grape juice until the kingdom of God arrives. #keepingitreal
Then he grabbed some bread, said a quick thanks, broke it, and gave it to them, like, ‘This is my body, yo, sacrificed for you. Remember me by doing this.’
Then, after we finished eating, Jesus took the cup and said, ‘This cup represents the new agreement between God and humanity. It symbolizes my blood, which I’m sacrificing for all of you.’
Yo, check it out, the person who’s about to betray me is actually at this table with me right now.
And like, for real, the Son of man is heading out, just like it was legit planned and all. But man, it’s gonna suck big time for the one who betrays him!
And they were totally wondering between themselves, like who was gonna do this thing, you know?
So, like, there was some serious drama going on among them, ’cause they were all trying to flex and prove that they were the absolute GOAT.
And he was like, yo, the kings of the Gentiles, they’re all about being in control and stuff, and the ones who boss people around act like they’re doing them a favor and all that.
But you don’t have to be like that: instead, the one who wants to be great among you should be like the younger ones, and the one who wants to be the leader should be like the one who serves.
Yo, who do you think is more important – the one sitting down to eat, or the one serving the food? Obviously, it’s the person sitting down, right? But here’s the deal: I’m right here with you, playing the role of the one serving.
You guys are the real ones who stuck by me during all my struggles and tough times.
And I’m giving you a kingdom, just like my Dad gave me one;
So you can grub and sip at my table in my kingdom, and chill on thrones, deciding on the homies from the twelve tribes of Israel.
Yo, Simon, Simon, listen up, Satan’s been eyeing you, wanting to test you like separating wheat from chaff:
Yo, don’t trip, I’ve got you covered with my prayers! I’m making sure your faith stays strong. And once you’ve come around, it’s time to lift up your crew and make them stronger too.
And he was like, ‘Yo, I’m down to roll with you, even if it means going to jail or straight up dying.’
And he was like, yo Peter, listen up. Like, before the morning alarm goes off, you gonna deny me not once, not twice, but three times, bro.
And he was like, yo, remember when I sent you out without any money, bags, or fresh kicks? Did you guys need anything? And they were like, nah, we were good, didn’t need a thing.
So basically, this guy was like, ‘Listen up fam. If you’ve got a purse, bring it along with your bag. And if you don’t have a sword, sell your clothes and cop one.’
Yo, listen up! Check it out, fam. Let me lay down some truth for you. This written prophecy about me, it’s about to go down, all right? Just as it was said, I’m gonna be considered one of the wrongdoers. But don’t trip, ’cause the events revolving around me will eventually come to a close.
And they were like, Yo Lord, check it out, we got two swords. And he was like, That’s cool, we good with that.
Then he dipped, headed toward the chill spot on the Mount of Olives; and his homies were right there beside him.
And when he got there, he told them, y’all better pray that you don’t get caught up in any tempting situations.
And he distanced himself from them, just like the length of a throwing stone away, and knelt down, and had a heart-to-heart with God,
He said, Yo, Dad, if you’re down, can you, like, take away this whole situation from me? But, like, ultimately, I want what you want, not what I want. Let your will be done, ya know?
And then this cool angel showed up from the heavens, totally giving him a power boost.
In the midst of intense struggle, he prayed with even greater fervor, and his sweat was like huge drops of blood falling to the ground.
And when he finished praying and went back to his squad, he saw them knocked out from all the stress and sadness.
He was like, ‘Yo, why are you all sleeping? Wake up and pray, or else you’re gonna get tempted.’
And as he was talking, suddenly a bunch of people showed up, and this guy named Judas, one of the twelve, came up to Jesus and got close to him like he was gonna give him a kiss.
Yo, Jesus was like, ‘Judas, you really out here betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?’
When the squad saw what was about to go down, they asked him, ‘Yo, Lord, should we swing the sword?’
And one of them, like, totally attacked the servant of the high priest and, bam, chopped off his right ear.
And Jesus was like, ‘Just hold up for a sec, alright?’ Then he reached out and touched the dude’s ear, and made it all better.
So Jesus was like, ‘Yo, why y’all comin’ at me all armed and ready, acting like I’m some kinda thief? Chief priests, temple captains, and elders, explain yourselves.’
Back in the day when I used to hang with y’all at the temple, none of you even tried to lay a finger on me. But guess what, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for — the darkness got some serious power up in here.
So they grabbed him and took him to the high priest’s crib. And Peter was low-key trailing behind.
And like, they made a fire in the middle of the hall, and they all sat together, and Peter sat down with them.
So, this girl noticed him chilling by the fire, and was totally checking him out. She straight up said, “Yo, this dude was hanging with him too.”
And he was like, ‘Nah, I don’t know her, bro.’
Then, a little later, someone else noticed him and said, ‘Hey, you’re one of them too!’ But Peter was like, ‘Nah, dude, I’m not.’
And like, an hour later, some people started saying with total confidence, ‘Yo, this dude is definitely with him too, like no doubt, because he’s from Galilee.’
And Peter was like, dude, I have no idea what you’re talking about. And right away, while he was still talking, the rooster made some noise.
And then God turned and made eye contact with Peter. Suddenly, everything came rushing back to Peter’s mind. He remembered what God had told him: ‘Before the clock strikes, you will deny me three times.’
And Peter totally broke down, like, he was crying so hard.
And the guys who had Jesus totally trolled him and straight up hit him.
And like, they covered his eyes, and slapped him in the face, and were all like, ‘Yo, tell us who hit you.’
And they spoke disrespectfully about him in many other ways.
So when morning came, the OGs of the squad, the head priests, and the word nerds all joined forces and took him to their meeting, like,
Are you the chosen one, fam? Let us know. And he’s like, if I spill the tea, y’all won’t even believe it smh:
And like, even if I ask you, you won’t even answer me or let me bounce.
From now on, the Son of Man’s gonna be chillin’ on God’s right-hand side with all the power.
So they all asked, like, are you really the Son of God? And he was like, yeah, that’s what you all say.
And they were like, ‘Why do we even need more witnesses? We heard it straight from the source!’

Luke 23

So, like, all of them got up and took him to Pilate, you know?
And they started calling him out, saying, “We caught this guy, like, totally stirring up trouble among our people and telling everyone not to pay taxes to Caesar. He even claims to be the King, the chosen one!”
Pilate was like, “Yo, are you the King of the Jews?” And the guy was like, “Yeah, you said it.”
Pilate was like, “Yo, chief priests and peeps! No cap, I don’t see any flaws in this dude.”
And they were totally intense, like, they got mad and were like, “OMG, he’s causing such a ruckus! He’s, like, teaching all over the place, from Galilee and stuff, all the way to this spot.”
When Pilate found out the guy was from Galilee, he was like, “Wait, is he a Galilaean?!”
And once he found out that he was under Herod’s power, he handed him over to Herod, who happened to be in Jerusalem at that time.
When Herod spotted Jesus, he was super stoked because he had been wanting to see him for a long time. He had heard so many things about Jesus and was hoping to witness one of his epic miracles.
So, like, he asked him a bunch of stuff, but the dude didn’t say anything back.
And, like, the big shots, you know, the high priests and those smart guys, they totally went all out and started throwing mad accusations at him.
And Herod and his squad totally disrespected him, straight up made fun of him, and dressed him in this fancy robe, then sent him back to Pilate.
And like, on that very day, Pilate and Herod, like, totally became bros, you know? ‘Cause, before that, they were, like, straight up enemies and stuff.
So Pilate was like, “Yo, gather up all the top religious peeps and leaders and the whole crowd too,
I was like, y’all brought this dude to me, saying he’s corrupting the crowd. But guess what? I grilled him real good and couldn’t find any fault in him regarding the accusations y’all make.
Nah, not even Herod, dude. I was the one who sent you to him, and like, honestly, he hasn’t done anything that deserves the death penalty, ya know?
So, I’m gonna punish him a bit, but then I’ll let him go.
(Because he was obligated to let one of them go during the feast.)
And they were all like, “Get rid of this dude and give us Barabbas instead:”
(So basically, this dude got thrown in jail for starting trouble and, you know, committing murder.)
So Pilate, like, he wanted to let Jesus go, and so he talked to them again, you know?
But they were like, “Yo, crucify him, crucify him.”
Then he said to them once again, like, why, what bad did he really do? I’ve honestly found no legit reason to condemn him to death. So I guess I’ll just punish him a bit and set him free, no biggie.
And they were like totally yelling at the top of their lungs, demanding that he be crucified. And their voices, along with the chief priests, ended up having a major impact.
So Pilate agreed to their demands.
So, like, he set free the guy who was thrown into jail for causing trouble and killing someone, just because the people wanted it. But unfortunately, he handed Jesus over to them, and let them do whatever they wanted with him.
While they were taking him away, they grabbed this guy named Simon, who was from Cyrene and just happened to be passing by. They made him carry the cross so that Jesus didn’t have to.
A bunch of peeps, especially fam and queens, rolled with him and straight up couldn’t hold back their feels and were like mourning and crying for him.
Yo, listen up, chicas of Jerusalem! Don’t shed tears for me, but instead, shed tears for yourselves and your peeps.
Yo, listen up! The days are coming when peeps gonna be like, “Yo, big respect to those who don’t have kids, and to those who couldn’t have ’em or choose not to breastfeed!”
And they’ll be like, “Yo, mountains, just come crashing down on us!” and to the hills, they’ll be saying, “Yo, cover us up real quick!”
Yo, if they’re out here doing this stuff when things are chill, imagine how they’ll act when things get messed up!
And there were like these two other guys, like, criminals or something, you know? And they were, like, taken with him to be, like, killed.
So, when they finally reached the spot called Calvary, that’s where they put him on the cross along with two other criminals. One on his right and the other on his left.
And Jesus was like, “Yo, Father, please forgive these peeps, ’cause they have no clue what they’re doin’. Meanwhile, they be dividing up his clothes and gamblin’ for ’em.”
And all the people were watching. Even the leaders mocked him, saying, “He saved other people, so if he’s really the chosen one, let him save himself.”
The soldiers straight up made fun of him, coming up to him with a drink and being all like, “Hey, have some vinegar, bro,”
And like, they were all like, “If you’re the boss of the Jewish peeps, why don’t you, like, save yourself?
And there was this thing written over Him in Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, saying, THIS DUDE IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.
And one of the guys who were hanged next to him started dissing him, saying, “If you’re really the Messiah, then prove it by saving yourself and us too!”
But the other dude clapped back, like, bro, don’t you even respect God? We’re both in this messed up situation, man!
Like, we totally deserve this, you know? We’re getting what we deserve for our actions, but this dude right here, he’s actually done nothing wrong.
And he was like, yo Jesus, bro, remember me when you roll into your kingdom.
And Jesus was like, yo bro, I’m telling you for real, today you gonna be kickin’ it with me in paradise.
So like, it was around noon, and suddenly it got really dark all over the place until like three in the afternoon.
Dude, the sun went all dark, and guess what? That temple curtain totally got torn right down the middle!
And when Jesus screamed super loud, he was like, “Yo, Dad, I’m entrusting my spirit to you!” After saying that, he, like, passed away.
Yo, when the centurion peeped what went down, he was like, “Damn, this dude was legit!” He straight up praised God, saying, “No doubt, my man was righteous as hell.”
And when all the people gathered to witness what was happening, they were like totally shook and started hitting their chests in amazement, and then bounced outta there.
And all his crew, and the girls that rolled with him from Galilee, stayed back, peeping this scene from a distance.
Yo, check it out, there was this dude named Joseph, he was like wise and all, a real stand-up guy, ya know?
This dude didn’t agree with what the others were planning and doing. He was from Arimathaea, a city where the Jews live. And get this, he was actually looking forward to the kingdom of God too.
This dude went to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body.
And he like, took it down, and like, wrapped it in linen, and placed it in this totally epic tomb that was carved out of stone, and like, nobody had ever been laid there before.
So, like, it was the day before some important stuff, you know? And the sabbath was about to start.
And the girls who were chillin’ with him from Galilee, they were rollin’ too and checked out the tomb, and saw how his body was laid.
So they went back and got some cool fragrances and oils; then they took some time off on the Sabbath day as instructed.

Luke 24

So, like, on the first day of the week, super early in the morning, they rolled up to the tomb with all their spices ready, plus a squad of other peeps.
And boom, they peeped the stone was rolled away from the tomb.
So they dipped inside, but couldn’t spot Jesus’ body anywhere.
So, things were getting hella confusing, and then out of nowhere, two dudes in these lit outfits pop up next to them:
So, they were shook and straight up face-planted, right? And they were all like, ‘Um, why you looking for the living among the dead, fam? Like, what’s the deal?’
He ain’t here, fam, he’s risen! Remember what he said back in Galilee?
Yo, listen up. So they were like, yo, this Son of man gonna get handed over to these shady dudes, and they gonna straight up crucify him, no cap. But peep this, on the third day, homie gonna rise again. Straight up epic vibes.
And they were like, ‘Oh snap, true dat!’
And they bounced from the tomb and spilled all the tea to everyone, including the eleven disciples and the crew, about what went down.
So, it was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary (James’ mom), and some more queens who spilled the tea to the apostles about what went down.
And they were like, ‘Nah, y’all trippin’, ain’t buying it.’
So Peter was like, ‘Hold up!’ and dashed to the tomb; when he peeped inside, he saw the linen clothes laid out, and then he bounced, mind blown by the whole sitch.
So, listen up, two of them decided to bounce to this village called Emmaus, about 60 furlongs from Jerusalem.
And they were chatting and vibing about all the wild stuff.
So, as they were talking and discussing, Jesus himself rolled up and joined them.
But they were clueless and didn’t clock it was him.
And he’s like, ‘Yo, what’s the vibe as you stroll looking all down?’
So Cleopas was like, ‘Bruh, you been living under a rock? You just visiting or what?’
And he was like, ‘Oh, spill the tea.’ And they were like, ‘So we’re talking about this Jesus from Nazareth, who was a straight-up legend, in front of God and everyone.
So, the big shots and rulers handed him over, and then they straight up crucified him.
So, we thought he was gonna be the one to save Israel. Plus, it’s been three days since all this went down.
Like, our girls went to the tomb real early and it blew our minds! They were shook, you know?
So, they couldn’t find his body, and they came back like, ‘Yo, we saw angels and they were like, he’s alive and stuff!’
So, some of us went to check, and yeah, it was just like the girls said. But, no sign of him.
And he’s like, ‘Come on, fam, really? Can’t believe you still doubting the prophets:
Shouldn’t Christ have gone through all this and then leveled up to his glory?
So, Jesus broke it down from the beginning, like Moses and all the prophets, explaining how it’s all about him in the scriptures.
And they got to their village, and He acted like He was gonna bounce.
But they were like, ‘Yo, stay with us, man! It’s getting late.’ So he was like, ‘Sure, why not?’ and chilled with them.
So, Jesus was vibing and having a meal with his squad, right? And then he grabbed some bread, blessed it, broke it, and handed it out.
And suddenly, they were woke, recognizing him; but then he straight up vanished before their eyes. Like, here one sec, gone the next!
And they were like, ‘Dang, did you feel that fire when he was breaking down the scriptures?’
And they jetted back to Jerusalem, found the eleven and crew all together,
Jesus is back, for real! Showed up to Simon.
And they were spreading the word about the journey, and recognizing him when he broke bread with them.
And as they were talking, Jesus himself showed up among them, saying, ‘Yo, peace to y’all’.
But they were shook, thinking they saw a ghost or something.
And he’s like, ‘Why y’all so shook? Why you trippin’ with all these thoughts?’
Check out my hands and feet, it’s really me, I promise! Go ahead, touch me and see. I ain’t some ghost, look, flesh and bones, just like you see.
And he showed them his hands and feet.
And even though they were hyped but still couldn’t believe it, he asked, ‘Y’all got anything to eat?’
So they gave him some grilled fish and honeycomb.
And he chowed down right in front of them.
And he’s like, ‘Yo, this is what I told y’all when we were chilling. Everything in Moses’ law, the prophets, and the psalms, it’s all about me and it had to go down like this.’
Then he made them totally get it, so they could grasp what the scriptures were saying.
And he laid it out, ‘This is how it had to happen: Christ had to suffer and then rise from the dead on the third day.’
So, everybody, everywhere, gotta hear about repentance and forgiveness in Jesus’ name, starting from Jerusalem and spreading worldwide.
And y’all saw it go down, no cap.
Yo, listen up! Get ready for some divine power vibes, straight from my Father! But yo, chill in Jerusalem until you’re lit with epic power from the heavens. Easy peasy, fam!
Then he took them to Bethany, blessed them, and dipped.
So, while he was blessing his crew, he straight up ascended to heaven.
And they were stoked, giving mad props to him, then bounced back to Jerusalem with hype and joy:
And they stayed in the temple, praising God. Amen.