Leviticus - Gen Z Bible

Leviticus 1

So, like, God slid into Moses’ DMs and started chatting with him from the tabernacle, you feel?
Yo, listen up, all you Israel crew! If any of y’all wanna drop an offering to the Big Guy, make sure it’s top-notch – bring in some cattle from your herds or some sheep from your flocks, you dig?
If he’s gonna offer a burnt sacrifice from his fancy cow, he better pick a flawless dude to present it willingly at the entrance of the hangout spot, where God chills.
He’s gonna lay his hand on the burnt offering’s head, and it’s gonna be totally clutch to make up for whatever he messed up.
And he’s gonna slay the bullock right in front of the LORD, yo. Then, Aaron’s sons, the priests, gotta bring the blood and sprinkle it all around the altar that’s next to the hangout spot, you know.
And he’s gonna skin the burnt offering and cut it into pieces.
Yo, so Aaron’s sons, the priest dudes, gotta spark up the altar with fire and stack the wood nice and neat on top of it, ya know?
And the priests, who are the sons of Aaron, will carefully place the different parts, including the head and the fat, in the right order on the wood that is already burning on the altar:
Gotta clean its insides and legs with water, then the priest gonna burn it all up on the altar. It’s like, a total sacrifice, on fire, to please the LORD and all.
And if he wants to offer a sacrifice from his flocks, like sheep or goats, for a burnt offering, he’s gotta bring a flawless, righteous dude.
And he’s gonna slaughter it on the left side of the altar facing north, right in front of the Almighty. Then the priests, who are Aaron’s sons, will sprinkle its blood all around the altar.
And he’s gonna slice it up, head and all that fatty goodness. Then the priest will arrange them neatly on the wood that’s burning on the altar.
But he should totally rinse the insides and the legs with water, and then the priest would bring it all and roast it on the altar. It’s like a lit sacrifice, a fire offering that smells super good to the LORD.
And if the lit sacrifice he’s offering to the LORD is like from birds, then he’s gotta bring his offering of turtledoves or young pigeons.
The priest gotta take it to the altar, chop off its head, and burn it up on the altar. Then the blood gotta be squeezed out on the side of the altar. #sacrificialvibes
And the bird will remove its droppings with its feathers, and toss them next to the altar on the side facing east, near the spot where the ashes are placed.
And he’s gonna cut it, but not completely apart: then the priest is gonna burn it on the altar, on the wood that’s on fire. It’s a sacrifice that’s gonna be burned, a fire offering that smells amazing to the LORD.

Leviticus 2

Alright fam, when you wanna show some love to the Big Man upstairs, you gotta bring that top-notch fine flour. Then drip some oil on it and sprinkle some frankincense. It’s all about that holy blend, you dig?
Then it’s Aaron’s sons, the priests, who take over. They scoop up a handful of that flour-oil-frankincense mix. The priest lights it up on the altar, making it a firework show for the man upstairs. It’s gonna be epic!
Whatever’s left of the food offering is for Aaron and his squad. It’s like super sacred, reserved for the LORD, straight up fire.
And if you’re bringing a food sacrifice, it’s gotta be unleavened cakes made with top-tier flour and oil, or unleavened wafers slathered in oil.
And if you’re frying up a food offering, it’s gotta be high-quality flour without yeast, mixed with oil. (in a frying pan: or, on a flat plate, or, sliced)
Bro, break it into chunks and drizzle that oil, like a killer food offering.
And if your food offering’s coming from a frying pan, it’s gotta be top-notch flour and oil.
So, take that meat offering straight to the LORD. Once it’s handed off to the priest, he’s the one who gets it to the altar, no doubt.
Then the priest takes a slice of the meat offering and burns it on the altar. It’s an offering that gets the LORD’s thumbs up with its mouth-watering aroma.
The part of the food offering that doesn’t get burned is for Aaron and his crew. It’s like, super sacred, totally theirs ’cause it’s an offering dedicated to the LORD, lit by fire and all.
Yo, don’t even think about slipping in any leaven or honey in that meat offering for the LORD. When it comes to offerings by fire, leaven and honey are a total non-starter!
When it’s time to give those firstfruits, they’re for the LORD. But don’t toss ’em on the altar for that pleasing aroma.
Yo, sprinkle some salt on every meat offering you bring. Remember that salt of the covenant of your God. And hey, whenever you’re offering something up, don’t forget the salt.
And if you’re giving firstfruits to the LORD, it’s gotta be some fresh corn, dried by fire, you feel me? Only the best from those ears.
And don’t forget to drizzle some oil and sprinkle some frankincense, like a legit offering, you know.
The priest burns a bit of that ground-up grain, some oil, and the fragrant incense as a fire offering for the LORD.

Leviticus 3

So, if someone’s bringing a peace offering, whether they’re a dude or a chick, straight up, it’s gotta be flawless, no flaws at all. And they gotta present it all proper to the LORD, you feel?
Then they’re gonna lay their hand on the offering and take it out right in front of the entrance to the big tent gathering. Aaron’s crew, the priests, gonna sprinkle that blood all around the altar.
And they gotta offer to the LORD a lit sacrifice of the peace offering, like, with mad fire. Take all that juicy, fatty goodness covering the insides and all the fat chillin’ on the inside. (FYI: That’s suet)
Yo, don’t sleep on removing those two kidneys with all the fat around ’em, like on the sides, and that thing called the caul above the liver along with the kidneys. It’s all gotta bounce, fam.
Then Aaron’s squad gonna light it up on the altar, right on top of the burnt offering, ya know. That sacrifice gonna be sizzlin’ on the firewood, all lit and cracklin’. It’s like a fire-made offering that brings out those sweet vibes for the LORD, man.
And if someone wanna make a peace offering to the LORD using a little lamb or sheep, it gotta be perfect, no flaws or anything.
If they wanna make an offering, they gotta present a lamb to the LORD.
Then they’ll lay their hand on the animal they’re offering and take it out in front of the hangout spot. Aaron’s crew gonna sprinkle its blood all around the altar.
So, they gonna take the sacrifice of the peace offering and burn it up for the Lord. Specifically, they gonna take the fat and the rump right next to the backbone. Also, they gonna take all the fat that covers the insides and any fat that’s on the inside.
And like, you gotta remove the two kidneys along with the fat on ’em, you know, the stuff around the sides, and the fatty parts above the liver, don’t forget the kidneys too!
And the priest gonna roast that stuff on the altar, like lit food, as an epic offering to the LORD.
And if they’re offering a goat, then they gotta bring it before the LORD.
Then they gotta lay their hand on its head and take it out before the big gathering tent, and the sons of Aaron gonna splash its blood on the altar all around.
And they gotta offer a lit offering, like it’s fire, to the LORD. That juicy fat covering the insides, and all the fat on top of the insides, gotta go in too.
And like, you gotta remove the two kidneys, and also, the fat that’s, like, on them, you know, like by the flanks, and oh yeah, don’t forget the caul above the liver and the kidneys, dude. Gotta take ’em away, ya know?
The priest gonna light those things up on the altar, like it’s the ultimate feast to satisfy the Lord’s taste buds. All that fat belongs to the Almighty.
Here’s a rule that’s gonna stick around forever for all y’all, no matter where you live: don’t chow down on fatty stuff or slurp up any blood.

Leviticus 4

God hit up Moses, like, “Hey, Moses, listen up!”
So, like, if someone accidentally breaks one of God’s rules, you know, does something they shouldn’t do,
If the priest, who’s like, supposed to be all holy and stuff, messes up like the rest of us, then he’s gotta offer a perfect young bull to make things right with the LORD.
Then he’s gotta take that bull to the entrance of the hangout spot where God’s peeps gather. He’ll put his hand on the bull’s head and take it down in front of the Lord.
Then the anointed priest will take some blood from the bull and bring it to the cool tabernacle where everyone meets:
Then he’ll dab his finger in the blood and sprinkle it seven times in front of the LORD, right by the curtain of the sacred place.
Then he’ll take some of the blood and put it on the corners of the special altar in front of the LORD, which is inside the sacred tent. He’ll pour all the bull’s blood at the base of the big altar where they burn sacrifices, right by the entrance of the sacred tent.
And he’s gotta remove all the fat from the bull for the sin offering. You know, the fat that’s covering the insides, and all that fat on the insides. No fat allowed, dude!
And like, he’s gotta take those two kidneys and the fat that’s on them, you know, the ones by the flanks and that caul thingy above the liver. And dude, don’t forget to remove the kidneys along with all that stuff!
Just like when you separate the good stuff from the bull offered as a peaceful sacrifice, the priest’s gotta burn it up on the super hot altar for burnt offerings.
And, like, the whole skin and body of the bull, including its head, legs, insides, and poop,
He’s gotta take the whole bull outside the camp to a clean spot where they dump the ashes, and burn it up on some wood with fire. Gotta make sure it’s burned up at that ash dumping spot.
And yo, if the whole squad of Israel messes up by accident and the crew ain’t even aware of it, and they’ve gone and done something against one of the LORD’s commandments that shouldn’t be done, and they’re guilty;
So, like, if someone messes up big time and everyone finds out about it, the whole squad needs to bring a young bull to the hangout spot outside the meeting place, as an apology for the messed up thing they did.
The older guys in the group are gonna place their hands on the bull’s head in front of the LORD, and then they’re gonna off the bull right there in front of the LORD.
And the priest who’s been blessed will take some of the bull’s blood and bring it to the tabernacle where everyone gathers:
Yo, the priest gonna dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle it like seven times in front of the LORD, you know, right before the curtain.
And he’s gotta drip some of the blood on the altar’s horns, the one right in front of the LORD, in the tabernacle hangout. Then he’s gotta spill all the blood at the base of the altar for the burnt offering, right by the tabernacle’s entrance.
And he’s gonna remove all the fat from that animal and totally roast it on the altar.
And he’s gonna do the same thing with this bull as he did with the other one for a sin offering. The priest is gonna make things right for them, and they’ll be forgiven.
And he’s gotta take the bull outside the hangout spot, and roast it just like he roasted the first bull, ’cause it’s a sacrifice to make up for the crew’s sins.
If a leader messes up and accidentally breaks any of God’s commandments by doing something wrong that they didn’t know about, and becomes guilty;
If he realizes he has sinned, he should bring a perfect male goat as his offering.
He’s gonna put his hand on the goat’s head and take it out in the same spot where they do the burnt offering for the LORD. It’s like a sacrifice for sin and stuff.
Then the priest will take some of the blood from the sin offering and dab it on the corners of the big altar, and pour the rest of the blood at the base of the big altar.
And he’s gotta roast all that fat on the altar, like the fatty peace offering sacrifice. The priest will make things right for him and forgive his sin.
And if, like, anyone from the regular peeps accidentally messes up and does something against the Lord’s commandments, you know, like things that shouldn’t be done, and they feel guilty about it, then… yeah.
If someone realizes they have sinned, they need to bring a flawless female goat as an offering to make up for their wrongdoing.
Then he’ll put his hand on the head of the sin offering and take care of it right there, instead of the burnt offering.
Then the priest will dab some of the blood with his finger and dab it on the corners of the sacrifice altar and pour out all the blood at the base of the altar.
And like, the priest gotta remove all the fat from it, just like how fat is removed from a peace offering sacrifice, you know? And then the priest gotta burn it on the altar, and it’s all for that sweet aroma that the LORD loves, man. It’s like a way for the priest to make things right for the person and get their forgiveness.
And if he brings a lamb for a sin offering, he’s gotta bring a flawless female one.
And he’s gonna place his hand on the head of the sin offering and, like, kill it as a sin offering where they do the same for the burnt offering.
And the priest will take some of the blood from the sin offering and dab it on the edges of the lit altar, and then pour out all the blood at the base of the altar:
And he’s gotta remove all the fat, like how you take out the fat from the lamb sacrifice for peace offerings. Then the priest has to burn them on the altar, just like the fire offerings to the LORD. By doing this, the priest fixes his mistake and gets his sins forgiven.

Leviticus 5

Okay, so imagine someone’s in the mix, and they catch wind of some major swear words being thrown around, whether they saw it go down or just heard about it. If they stay quiet and don’t speak up, they’re basically taking responsibility for their own silence.
Now, let’s say someone accidentally touches something that’s considered unclean, like a dead bug or a gross animal, and they didn’t even realize it was there. Boom! Suddenly, they’re unclean too, and yeah, they’re at fault.
If someone gets mixed up in something that makes them unclean, like any kind of gross stuff, and they’re clueless about it at first but later find out, well, they’re still in the wrong.
Swearing up and down to do something, whether it’s good or bad, and then forgetting about it? Nope, that won’t fly. Once they remember what they promised, they’re guilty as charged for breaking it.
So, when someone screws up in any of these scenarios, they gotta own it, no dodging responsibility.
Now, here’s the deal: if a dude messes up, he’s gotta bring a gift as an apology to the Man Upstairs for his wrongs. It’s gotta be a female sheep or a baby goat, like a lamb or a kid of the goats, as a way of saying sorry. And the priest will handle all the forgiveness stuff for him.
And if he’s strapped for cash and can’t afford a lamb, then two turtledoves or two young pigeons will do the trick to make up for his mistakes before the LORD. One bird is a sacrifice for his sins, and the other gets burnt up as an offering.
Then he brings them to the priest, who starts with the sin offering and pops off its head without tearing it apart.
The priest’s gonna sprinkle some of that sin offering blood on the side of the altar, and the rest gets squeezed out at the bottom. That’s the sin offering vibe right there.
Next up, he offers the second one as a burnt sacrifice, following the usual routine. The priest will sort him out, making amends for the sin he committed, and he’ll be forgiven.
But if he can’t swing two birds, then he should bring one-tenth of an ephah of fine flour as a sin offering. No oil or fancy stuff on it, just plain flour for that apology.
Then he hands it over to the priest, who takes a little fistful of it, burns it up on the altar, just like the other offerings for the LORD. It’s like saying sorry for messing up.
The priest helps him make things right for the sin, and he’s forgiven. The rest of the flour belongs to the priest, like a snack.
So, God hit up Moses like,
If someone accidentally messes with the sacred stuff that belongs to the LORD, they gotta make it right. They bring a perfect ram from their crew, valuing it in silver coins based on the standard weight of the sanctuary, as a way to make amends.
And if they mess with something sacred, they gotta pay an extra 20% and give it to the priest. The priest sorts things out with a special sacrifice, and boom! Forgiveness achieved.
Basically, if someone screws up and does anything the Lord says not to do, even if it’s unintentional, they still messed up and gotta own it.
They gotta snag a flawless ram from their crew, valued as a trespass offering, and bring it to the priest. The priest sorts things out for them when they mess up unknowingly, and they’ll be forgiven.
Yo, this is like a mega apology gift. Dude seriously messed up and offended the LORD big time.

Leviticus 6

So, like, God was chillin’ with Moses and dropped some wisdom, saying,
If someone messes up and does something uncool against the LORD, like lying to their bro about taking care of their stuff, or ripping them off, or straight-up deceiving them…
Or if you find something that’s lost and lie about it or swear falsely—any of these actions is a big no-no.
If someone messes up and does something wrong, causing harm or taking something by force or trickery, or if they were trusted with something to keep and it got lost, they gotta make it right and give it back.
If someone lies about something they swore to, they gotta give it back and add an extra twenty percent. They gotta make things right on the day they apologize for their wrongdoing.
And they gotta bring their trespass offering to the LORD, a flawless ram from the crew, valued just right, as a trespass offering to the priest:
And the priest, like, totally sorts things out for them in front of the LORD, and boom! It’s forgiven, dude! Everything they messed up and did wrong in that situation, it’s all good now.
Yo, God was like, “Yo, Moses, listen up.”
Yo, Aaron and his squad gotta follow this rule: When it comes to the burnt offering, it’s all about keeping that fire burning on the altar all night until morning. That fire’s gotta stay lit, ya feel me?
The priest’s gotta gear up in his linen outfit, including linen pants. Then he’s gotta scoop up the ashes from the burnt offering on the altar and put ’em next to the altar.
Then he has to change his threads, put on different ones, and take the ashes outside the camp to a spot that’s clean.
The fire on the altar’s gotta keep blazing nonstop, can’t let it die out. The priest’s gotta toss some wood on it every morning and set up the burnt offering on top. Then he’s gotta burn that fat from the peace offerings on there.
The flame on the altar’s gotta stay lit 24/7, no extinguishing allowed.
So, like, this is the rule for the meat offering, okay? The sons of Aaron gotta offer it to the Lord, right in front of the altar.
And he’s gonna take some of that flour, oil, and frankincense from the meat offering and burn it on the altar. It’s gonna be a rad smell that reminds everyone of the Lord.
Aaron and his homies gotta munch on the leftovers: grab some unleavened bread and feast in the sacred spot, right in the court of the tabernacle where everyone gathers.
Don’t even think about adding any leaven to it. I’ve designated it as their special share of my fire offerings, and it’s super sacred, just like the sin offering and the trespass offering.
All the guys from Aaron’s fam gotta grub on this. It’s a forever rule for your fam to follow when it comes to the lit offerings for the LORD, cooked by fire. And whoever messes with ’em gotta stay holy.
Then God spoke to Moses, like,
Yo, peep this offering from Aaron and his homies, that they gotta bring to the LORD on the day he’s anointed. It’s like a tenth of an ephah of high-quality flour, always a solid meat offering. Split it up, half in the morning and the other half at night.
You gotta use oil when cookin’ it in a pan. After it’s baked, bring it in. Then, offer the baked pieces of the meat as a delicious smellin’ offering to the LORD.
And the TikTok-famous priest who takes over for his dad will be the one to offer it: it’s a forever rule for the Lord; like, it’s gotta be completely roasted.
Like, all the food offerings for the priest gotta be totally burnt, dude. No munching on them, okay?
God was like, ‘Yo, Moses, listen up,’
Yo, Aaron and his squad, listen up. This is the deal with the sin offering: You gotta kill it where you usually do the burnt offering, in front of the LORD. Trust me, it’s super sacred.
The priest who sacrifices it for sin gets to chow down on it: it gets eaten in the holy spot, specifically in the tabernacle courtyard.
Anything that comes into contact with it must be considered sacred. And if any of its blood splatters onto clothing, you gotta wash those garments in a special area designated for sacred rituals.
But the pot you use for cooking must be shattered if it’s made of clay, and if it’s made of bronze, it must be scrubbed and washed with water.
All the dudes who are priests get to chow down on it: super sacred vibes, bro.
And you can’t eat any sin offering that has its blood brought into the tabernacle to make things right in the holy place. It has to be burnt up in the fire instead.

Leviticus 7

So, like, listen up about the trespass offering, it’s like super sacred and pure vibes, you know?
When they’re doing the burnt offering sacrifice spot, that’s the same place for the trespass offering. They gotta sprinkle the blood all around the altar, straight up.
And they’re gonna give up all that juicy fat; the thicc booty and the fat covering the guts, you feel me?
And, like, they gotta remove the two kidneys and that juicy fat surrounding them, you know, by the flanks. Also, that caul thingy above the liver, along with the kidneys, they gotta take ’em away, man.
The priest gotta yeet them onto the altar, a lit sacrifice for the LORD. It’s like a way of saying sorry for messing up, you dig?
All the dudes who are priests gotta eat that stuff, and they gotta chow down on it in the special holy spot, ’cause it’s like super duper holy, you know?
The sin offering and the trespass offering are like two peas in a pod, yo. They gotta follow the same rules and regulations, no exceptions. Only the priest who performs the atonement with it is legit.
And the priest who presents someone’s burnt offering gets to keep the skin of the offering for himself, straight up.
All the lit snacks that are baked or fried in the stove and pan belong to the priest who offers them. (Alternative: on the fancy plate or as a slice)
And the sons of Aaron shall each receive an equal share of every meat offering that is mixed with oil and is dry, it’s only fair, fam.
So, like, this is the deal with the peace offerings, fam. It’s all about this law that says you gotta offer it up to the big man upstairs, the LORD.
If he wants to give thanks, then he should bring some lit unleavened cakes mixed with oil, and some anointed unleavened wafers with oil, and some epic fried cakes made with fine flour, you know, to show gratitude.
And on top of the usual cakes, he’s gotta bring some fresh bread along with his thanksgiving offering and peace offerings, keep the good vibes flowing.
And from that, the priest should take one as a special offering to the LORD. It will belong to the priest who sprinkles the blood of the peace offerings, straight up.
And like, the meat of the peace offering he’s given as a gratitude thing, it’s got to be eaten on the same day it’s brought, you know? Don’t save any of it for later, bro, finish it up before morning.
But if the sacrifice he gives is a vow or a freewill offering, he should chow it down on the same day he gives it, and whatever’s left should be devoured the next day too, no leftovers, fam.
But on the third day, you gotta burn up the rest of that sacrifice meat with fire, don’t let it go to waste.
And yo, if anyone eats any of the meat from their peace offerings on the third day, it’s a major no-go. It won’t count as an acceptable offering, and the person who eats it will be totally guilty for their wrongdoing. It’s like a straight-up abomination, fam.
If you come into contact with anything dirty, don’t eat the meat. Burn it up! But if the meat is clean, go ahead and dig in, fam!
But if someone eats the meat from the peace offerings that is dedicated to the LORD, while they are unclean, they will be separated from their community, it’s like, serious business.
And if someone touches something impure and then eats the meat from a peace offering that belongs to the LORD, that person will be separated from their community, it’s just how it is.
God was like, ‘Yo Moses, listen up,’
Hey, listen up, all you peeps in Israel! I’ve got somethin’ important to say. Don’t chow down on any fatty goodness from those beef, lamb, or goat dishes of yours, ya hear?
Yo, you know that fat from an animal that kicks the bucket on its own or gets torn up by other beasts? Yeah, you can totally use that fat for anything else you want, but no way should you be munching on it. Stay away from that stuff, fam. #respecttheanimals
If anyone chows down on the fatty part of an animal offered as a fiery sacrifice to the LORD, they’re totally getting booted from their crew, not cool.
Yo, don’t be consuming any blood, whether it’s from birds or animals, anywhere you live, alright?
If anyone eats any kind of blood, they’ll be totally canceled from their clique, it’s a big no-no.
Yo, the LORD was like talking to Moses, and He was all like,
Yo, listen up, Israel fam! If you wanna offer some peace offerings to the big man upstairs, make sure you bring them right to the Lord as an oblation. Show some love for those peace offerings, y’all!
He himself will bring the lit offerings to the LORD, including the fat and the meat. He’ll bring it all, so that the meat can be waved as an offering to the LORD.
The priest’s gotta grill up that fat on the altar, but the juicy breast meat belongs to Aaron and his crew, straight up.
And you gotta give the priest the right shoulder as a hella rad offering from the sacrifices you bring to show your chill vibes, it’s like, the proper etiquette.
The dude from Aaron’s squad who’s in charge of offering up the blood and fat for the peace offerings gets to keep the right shoulder as their share, it’s their perk.
So, like, I’ve totally claimed the wave breast and heave shoulder from the Israelites’ peace offerings, ya know? And forever, I’ve hooked Aaron the priest and his sons up with ’em as a solid rule for the fam. It’s a gift that keeps on giving, bud, straight from the Israelite crew.
This is the deal where Aaron and his squad get anointed with some lit gifts from the Lord. It went down on the day they stepped up to serve the Lord, doing their priest duties, all official-like.
This is what the LORD said should be given to the children of Israel when they were anointed, and it should be a forever thing for all their future peeps, it’s tradition.
This is the deal with the burnt offering, meat offering, sin offering, trespass offering, consecrations, and sacrifice of the peace offerings, all part of the sacred game plan.
This is what God told Moses on Mount Sinai, when He commanded the Israelites to bring their offerings to Him, while they were in the middle of the Sinai desert, straight up.

Leviticus 8

And then the LORD was like, ‘Hey, Moses, listen up,’
Yo, grab Aaron and his crew, their fresh threads, that blessed oil, a bull for the sin sacrifice, two rams, and a basket of bread without yeast, you dig?
Yo, round up all the squad and bring ’em to the entrance of the sacred hangout spot, yo.
So Moses followed God’s instructions and the whole crew gathered at the entrance of the tent where they chilled to worship.
And Moses was like, yo fam, listen up! This is the thing that the LORD straight up commanded us to do, you feel me?
So Moses gathered Aaron and his crew, and gave them a fresh scrub.
Then he suited him up in the coat, put on a dope belt, fitted him in the cool robe, and placed the ephod on him. And he rocked the stylish belt that went with the ephod, and strapped it on him.
And he hooked up the lit breastplate on him, and he slipped in the mad lit Urim and Thummim into the breastplate.
Then he put the cool hat on his head, and on the front of the hat he placed a shiny golden plate, the special crown, just like the LORD told Moses.
So, Moses grabbed the anointing oil and started putting it on the tabernacle and everything inside it, making it totally holy.
Then he dabbed some on the altar about seven times, and put oil on the altar and all its stuff, including the fancy sink and its stand, to make it all holy and stuff.
And he dripped some of that holy oil on Aaron’s head, giving him a special blessing and making him super holy.
So Moses brought Aaron’s sons and dressed them in fancy clothes, and put belts around them, and placed stylish hats on their heads, just as the LORD told Moses to do.
Then he brought the bullock for the sin offering, and Aaron and his squad placed their hands on the head of the bullock for the sin offering.
Then he offed the animal, and Moses took the blood and spread it all around the edges of the altar with his finger. He cleansed the altar and poured the blood at the base of it, making it holy and able to bring peace and forgiveness.
Then he gathered all the juicy stuff inside, like the fatty parts, the covering of the liver, the two kidneys, and their fat. Moses straight up burned it all on the altar.
So, like, that bull and everything – the whole deal, like its hide, flesh, and dung – it was totally burned up outside the camp, just like the LORD told Moses to do.
And he’s like, yo, he brought the ram for that burnt offering, and Aaron and his squad placed their hands on the ram’s head.
And he straight up yeeted that thing; and Moses sprinkled the blood all around the altar, like a boss.
Then he like, totally sliced up the ram, and Moses straight up burned the head, the chunks, and the fat. No waste, bro.
Then he washed the insides and the legs with water. And Moses burned the entire ram on the altar. It was like a lit sacrifice, pleasing to the LORD, just as the LORD told Moses to do.
Then he brought another ram, the special ram for consecration, and Aaron and his squad placed their hands on its head.
So he offed the animal, and Moses took some of its blood and placed it on the tip of Aaron’s right ear, and on the thumb of his right hand, and on the big toe of his right foot.
Then Moses brought Aaron’s sons and put some blood on the tip of their right ear, and on the thumbs of their right hands, and on the big toes of their right feet. And Moses sprinkled the blood all around the altar.
Then he gathered all the fat, the juicy parts, and the stuff inside, along with the stuff on top of the liver, the two kidneys, and their fat, and even the right shoulder:
And from the basket of unleavened bread, that was right there in front of the LORD, he grabbed one plain bread, and a bread with oil, and a thin crispy bread, and placed them on the fat, and on the right shoulder:
And he gave everything to Aaron and his sons, and they waved them as an offering to the LORD.
Then Moses grabbed them from their hands and lit them up on the altar along with the burnt offering. Those were like special goodies that smelled really good to God. It’s a fire gift for the Lord.
Then Moses took the juicy part of the ram and did a little wave action with it to present as an offering to the LORD. This was part of the special ram that Moses got, just like the LORD told him to do.
So Moses grabbed some of that anointing oil and blood from the altar, and he sprinkled it on Aaron, his clothes, his sons, and their clothes. Basically, he made them all holy and set apart for a special purpose.
Moses was like, ‘Yo, Aaron and fam, you gotta cook up that meat right outside the holy meeting spot. Then you can chow down with the sacred bread from the special basket, just like I told you. Aaron and his sons gotta be the ones munching on it, no one else.
You gotta torch the leftover meat and bread, fam. Burn it up real good with fire.
And like, you can’t leave the tabernacle hangout for a whole week until your consecration is over, man. It’s like a sacred time, bro. You gotta stay put for seven days straight, ’cause that’s how long it takes to get you all consecrated and stuff.
Just like the Lord said, he did it today to make things right for you.
So basically, you gotta hang out by the entrance of the tent where everyone gathers. Do this day and night for a whole week and make sure you follow all the rules God gave ya. It’s super important, otherwise you might end up in big trouble. God made it clear, so just do it!
So Aaron and his squad totally did everything the LORD told them to do through Moses.

Leviticus 9

On the eighth day, Moses hit up Aaron and his squad, along with the OGs of Israel.
Yo, Aaron, snag a fresh calf as a sacrifice for our sins, and a dope ram as a burnt offering. Make sure they’re flawless, then present ’em to the LORD.
Yo, Israel crew, listen up. So, here’s the deal – when it’s about sins and stuff, you gotta grab a baby goat as an offering. And not just that, but you also need to bring a young calf and a lamb, newborn and all, with no flaws or anything. These little buddies are gonna be like burnt offerings and whatnot.
And bring a bullock and a ram for peace offerings to sacrifice before the LORD, along with a meat offering mixed with oil. Today the LORD is gonna show up for you.
So they brought what Moses told them to bring to the tabernacle, and all the people gathered and stood in front of the Almighty.
Moses was like, yo listen up! God gave us the lowdown on what we gotta do. And if we follow it, we gonna witness some epic divine awesomeness from the LORD.
Yo, Aaron! Head to the altar and bring your sin offering, burnt offering, and make things right for yourself and the peeps. Offer the people’s offering and make things right for them, just like the LORD told us.
So Aaron went up to the altar and killed the sin offering calf, which was for himself.
Then Aaron’s squad brought him the blood, and he dipped his finger in it, putting that stuff on the horns of the altar, and spilled the rest of the blood at the bottom of the altar:
And he burned the fat, the kidneys, and the fatty layer above the liver of the sin offering on the altar, just as the LORD told Moses to do.
And he totally roasted the meat and the animal skin away from the camp using straight fire.
And he totally slaughtered the burnt offering; and Aaron’s squad presented him with the blood, which he sprinkled all around on the altar.
And they gave him the burnt offering, along with its pieces and the head. And he burned them on the altar.
And he washed the insides and the legs, then he burned them on the altar along with the burnt offering.
Then he took the people’s offering and grabbed the goat, which was the offering to make up for their mistakes. He killed it and presented it as a sacrifice to cleanse their sins, just like he did at first.
And he brought the burnt offering and totally flexed it, following all the lit rules and stuff. Or you know, the ordinance, if you prefer that term.
Then he grabbed a handful of the meat offering and burnt it on the altar, alongside the burnt sacrifice from this morning. He filled his hand with it, ya know?
He also killed the bull and the sheep as a peace offering for the people, and Aaron’s sons gave him the blood to sprinkle all around the altar.
And like, the juicy parts of the bullock and ram, like the backside, and the stuff that covers the insides, and the kidneys, and the fatty part above the liver, ya know?
And they took the fat and placed it on top, then he burned it on the altar:
And Aaron flexed the boobs and the right shoulder, showing them off as an offering to the LORD, just like Moses told him to do.
And Aaron raised his hand towards the people and blessed them, then he stepped down from making the sin offering, the burnt offering, and the peace offerings.
So Moses and Aaron entered the meeting hub, then came back out and gave a shoutout to the peeps. And boom, the amazing presence of the LORD was visible to everyone!
Then this fire just suddenly appeared in front of the LORD and totally destroyed the burnt offering and the fat on the altar! When everyone saw it, they were like freaking out and dropped to the ground, man.

Leviticus 10

So Nadab and Abihu, Aaron’s sons, grabbed their own censer, lit it up with fire, and added incense without the okay from the Big Guy.
Then the Lord sent out some wild fire and totally took them out, and they were toast right there in front of the Lord.
Yo, Aaron, check it. This is what the LORD said: ‘I’m gonna flex My greatness to those who come to Me, and I’ll be showing off in front of everyone.’ And Aaron kept it zipped.
So Moses was like, ‘Yo, Mishael and Elzaphan, you guys who are Uzziel’s sons and Aaron’s cousins, come over here. I need you to round up your bros and get them out of the camp away from the sanctuary.’
So they rolled up to the spot and totally scooped them up incognito, like hiding them in their sick threads and snuck them out of the camp, just like Moses told them to.
Yo, Aaron and his squad Eleazar and Ithamar, listen up! Don’t take off your caps or rip your threads, got it? If you do, you might end up in hot water and bring God’s wrath on everyone. Instead, let your crew, the whole Israel squad, mourn the fire that the Lord brought down.
Don’t bail on the tabernacle hangout, or you might meet your match. ‘Cause the LORD’s holy oil is on you. And they vibed with what Moses said.
So, God hit up Aaron and was like,
Yo fam, when you and your squad roll into the worship scene, make sure y’all ain’t sipping on wine or anything strong. It’s a forever rule, passed down from generation to generation. If you break it, you might end up in deep water, so play it safe!
And so you can tell what’s holy and what’s not, and what’s clean and what’s not;
So you can, like, pass down all the rules that the LORD told Moses so that the children of Israel know what’s good.
So Moses was like, ‘Yo Aaron, Eleazar, and Ithamar, my dudes, snag that leftover meat offering that the LORD was craving, and grub near the altar, but make sure there’s no yeast because it’s super holy and legit.
And, like, you gotta chow down on it in the holy spot, because it’s like totally yours, and your sons’ too, from the offerings that the LORD is all about burning up: ’cause that’s what I’ve been told to tell ya.
So, like, make sure to chow down on the wave breast and heave shoulder in a clean spot, fam. It’s all good for you, your squad, and your fam. Cause, ya know, it’s what you deserve, like your crew’s rightful stuff, that comes from the peace offerings cooked up by the peeps of Israel.
They gotta bring the heave shoulder and the wave breast along with the fire offerings of the fat, to wave it as an offering before the LORD. It’s gonna be yours and your squad’s forever, because the LORD said so.
So Moses was super determined to find the goat that was sacrificed for the sin, but guess what? It was totally burnt up! He was mad at Eleazar and Ithamar, Aaron’s surviving sons, and he shouted at them, saying,
Yo, why haven’t you dudes chowed down on that sin offering in the holy spot? Like, it’s super holy and God hooked you up with it to take on the wrongdoing of the crew and make things right with the Lord, ya feel?
Yo, listen up! The blood wasn’t taken into the holy. You were totally supposed to eat it there, just like I commanded, ya dig?
So Aaron was like, ‘Listen up Moses, today they brought their sin offering and burnt offering before the LORD, and some wild stuff went down for me. If I had eaten the sin offering today, would it be cool in the LORD’s eyes?
And when Moses found out, he was totally cool with it.

Leviticus 11

So, God was like dropping some wisdom to Moses and Aaron, and here’s what He told them,
Yo, listen up, Israel crew! Peep this, these are the animals you can munch on from all the creatures roaming this planet.
You can totally grub on animals with split hooves, chew cud, and are all clovenfooted. Delish!
But, like, steer clear of animals that keep munching on their food or have split hooves without chewing cud, like camels, for instance. They chew, but their hooves ain’t split, so they’re off-limits.
And the coney, ’cause it chews cud but doesn’t split the hoof, it’s a no-go for you.
Also, the hare, ’cause it chews cud but lacks split hooves, it’s a hard pass too.
So, even though pigs have split hooves, they skip the cud action. Major uncool, dude.
Don’t dig into their meat, and steer clear of their carcasses; they’re straight-up gross and contaminated for you.
You’re clear to chow down on all fish rocking fins and scales, whether they’re chilling in the oceans, seas, or rivers.
Any sea creature or river dweller sans fins and scales, basically anything swimming around in the waters, is a total veto and mega uncool.
Those critters? Total disgust, like seriously messed up. Don’t even think about munching on their meat, and handle their dead bodies with total revulsion.
Anything without fins or scales in the water? Yeah, major nope vibes, guys. It’s seriously gross, got it?
And these birds? Big pass: the eagle, the ossifrage, and the ospray. Don’t even consider dining on them, they’re straight-up nasty.
Also, the vulture, and the kite, you know, same deal;
Every raven has its own clique;
And then there’s this rad owl, and this super cool night hawk, and the cuckoo with its unique sound, and the hawk doing its thing, just vibing in their own way.
And there were these cool owls: the little owl, the cormorant, and the mighty great owl,
And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,
And then there’s the stork and the heron, doing their own thing, and then there’s the lapwing and the bat too.
Any birds crawling on all fours? Yeah, they’re not cool with me, got it? It’s a hard pass on those.
But you can totally munch on those rad flying bugs that walk on four legs and have long legs for hopping around;
You’re clear to munch on these: the locusts of various types, the bald locusts of their own kind, the beetles of their own kind, and the grasshoppers of their own kind.
But, like, all those other flying bugs crawling with four legs? Yeah, major gross-out and not cool, dude. It’s a major freak-out for you, ya know?
And like, if you touch the dead bodies of these things, you’re gonna be major uncool until evening. So, just watch yourself, okay?
If anyone touches any part of a dead animal, they gotta wash their clothes and they’re uncool until evening.
Any animal that doesn’t have a split hoof or chew cud, it’s a no-go for you. If you touch those animals, you’re uncool too.
And anything that walks on its paws, like all kinds of four-legged animals, those are considered uncool: if you touch their dead body, you’re uncool until the evening.
If you touch those dead animals, you need to wash your clothes and you’ll stay dirty until evening. Yeah, they’re totally gross and unclean for you.
These little creatures? Yeah, they’re not cool with you, you know? I’m talking about the weasel, the mouse, and the tortoise family, man.
And then there’s also these super cool animals called ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, and moles.
These are the disgusting creatures that you should avoid: anyone who touches them, even if they’re already dead, will be gross until sunset.
If anything dead falls on any of these things, they will become unclean. Whether it’s a wooden utensil, clothing, animal skin, or a bag – basically anything that’s used for something – it has to be washed with water and will remain unclean until evening. Then it will be considered clean again.
If any of them falls into a regular container, everything in it becomes unclean and you have to shatter it.
Any food that gets all wet is unclean, and any drink in any container that gets all wet is also unclean. So, yeah.
And anything that comes into contact with their dead bodies will be considered unclean. Whether it’s an oven or a stovetop, it has to be destroyed because it’s contaminated and it’ll make you unclean too.
But if a water source has lots of water, it’s considered clean. But if anything touches a dead body, it’s totally unclean, dude.
If any part of their dead body falls onto any seeds that are being planted, it’ll be considered clean.
But if any water accidentally gets on the plant, and any part of a dead animal falls on it, then it’s gonna be unclean for you, dude.
If any animal that you’re allowed to eat dies, whoever touches its dead body will be unclean until evening.
If you chow down on that dead animal, you gotta clean your threads and stay dirty until the end of the day. And if you’re carrying around that dead creature, clean your clothes too and stay unclean until the evening.
And anything that crawls on the ground is, like, totally gross and disgusting; it’s a big no-no to eat it.
You can’t eat anything that crawls on its belly, or anything that walks on all fours, or anything that has more than four feet among all the crawling creatures on the earth, because they are disgusting.
Don’t ever let yourselves be tainted by any disgusting creepy stuff, and don’t let yourselves get dirty with them either, ’cause that would totally mess you up.
Bruh, I’m the LORD your God, so like, you gotta make yourselves pure and be legit holy, ’cause I’m all about that holy life too, you know? And yo, don’t mess with any creepy crawlies that roam the earth, okay? Stay clean and chill.
Dudes, I’m the LORD who totally rescued you guys from Egypt and became your God. So, you gotta be super holy, just like me. #HolinessGoals
Yo, here’s the lowdown on the rules for beasts, birds, all the living creatures that swim in the waters, and those that crawl on the earth:
To distinguish between what’s gross and what’s

Leviticus 12

God was like, “Yo, Moses, check this out!”
Yo, let the Israelites know this: If a woman gets preggo and has a baby boy, she gotta be considered unclean for a whole week. She gotta follow the same rules as when she’s on her period, ya know? Unclean and all.
And on the eighth day, they’re gonna snip off the extra skin down there.
After her period of purification, she gotta wait for thirty-three days before she can touch anything holy or enter the sacred place.
But if she has a baby girl, she’ll be considered unclean for two weeks, just like during her period. After that, she gotta wait for sixty-six days to complete her purification.
Once her purification time is over after giving birth to a son or daughter, she should bring a lamb that’s a year old as a burnt offering and a young pigeon or turtledove as a sin offering to the entrance of the tabernacle. She gotta present them to the priest.
Yo, who’s gonna present it to the LORD and make things right for her, so she can be cleansed from the blood situation? This is the rule for any chick who gives birth, whether it’s a boy or a girl.
And if she can’t afford a lamb, she can bring two turtles or two young pigeons instead. One is for the burnt offering and the other for a sin offering. The priest will make things right for her, and she will be considered clean.

Leviticus 13

So, like, God totally hit up Moses and Aaron. He was all like,
If a dude’s skin’s acting up, like a bump, a nasty scab, or a funky spot, and it’s looking like leprosy, he’s gotta hit up Aaron the priest or one of his sons who are also priests. Yeah, it’s like a swelling too, just to be clear.
So, like, the priest’s gotta scope out this skin issue, right? If the hair in the infected area’s all white and the problem’s deeper than just on the surface, it’s def leprosy. The priest will give it a look and, like, declare the person unclean.
If there’s a white spot on your skin that’s not too deep, and the hair there ain’t turning white, the priest will quarantine you for seven days.
Yo, the priest’s gotta check him on the seventh day and peep it, if the infection looks the same and ain’t spreading, then the priest’s gotta keep him in isolation for another seven days:
And the priest’s gonna check him again on the seventh day: and, yo, if the rash looks darker but ain’t spreading, the priest’s gonna say he’s clean: it’s just a scab. Then he’s gotta wash his clothes and he’s good to bounce.
But yo, if the scab starts spreading after the priest has checked it for cleansing, then the priest’s gotta take another look:
And if the priest notices that, like, yo, the scab’s spreading, then the priest’s gotta be all ‘dude, you’re unclean, it’s totally leprosy’.
So, if a guy gets hit with leprosy, he’s gotta hit up the priest.
And the priest will check it: if the skin’s got a white bump and the hair turned white, and there’s some fresh raw flesh in the bump; it’s a sign of a live, active infection.
Yo, his skin’s got that ancient leprosy vibe, and the priest’s gonna be like, ‘Yo, bro, you’re unclean, but I ain’t gonna quarantine you or nothing, just so y’know, ’cause you’re unclean n’ all.
Yo, if you got leprosy spreading all over your skin, from head to toe, the priest’s gonna notice it, no cap.
So like, the priest should totally check it out: and woah, if the leprosy’s spread all over his body, he’ll be declared clean from the disease: it’s all turned white, dude! He’s in the clear.
But if there’s a gross skin issue, he’s gonna be considered unclean.
And the priest’ll check out the gnarly skin, and say it’s unclean: ’cause gnarly skin’s totally unclean, dude: it’s like leprosy, you know?
If the infected skin heals and becomes white again, they should go see the priest;
So the priest checks him out, and if the infection looks white, then the priest declares him squeaky clean from the infection. He’s all clear, no worries.
And like, there was this total gross boil on their flesh, even on the skin, but then it like magically got healed, you know?
If a boil appears on the skin and it’s white with a red tinge, the person should show it to the priest.
And like, if the priest sees it and, whoa, it looks like it’s beneath the skin and the hair turns white, the priest will totally say the person is unclean. It’s, like, a serious case of leprosy coming from the boil.
But yo, if the priest peeps it and there ain’t no white hairs and it ain’t deeper than the skin but kinda dark, then the priest’s gonna keep them isolated for a whole week:
If it spreads a lot on the skin, the priest’ll say the person’s unclean: it’s a plague.
But if the TikTok trend stays the same and doesn’t go viral, it’s just a basic burn, and the priest’ll say it’s all good.
Or if someone’s skin has a fiery burn with a bright white or somewhat reddish, white spot on it…
So like, the priest’s gotta check it out, and if the hair in the bright spot’s like, totally white and looks deeper than the skin, then it’s like a leprosy thingy from a burn or something. That’s when the priest says the person’s unclean, like it’s a legit leprosy situation.
But yo, if the priest peeps it and sees that there ain’t no white hair in the spot that’s lit up, and it ain’t no different from the rest of the skin, but kinda darker; then the priest’s gotta put homie on lockdown for seven days:
On the seventh day, the priest checks them out. If there’s a lot of spreading on the skin, the priest declares them unclean ’cause it’s the nasty leprosy.
And if the lit spot stays where it is, and doesn’t spread on the skin but kinda darkens, it’s just a mild burn, and the priest will declare them clean, ’cause it’s just an inflammation from the burn.
If a dude or chick have a nasty sore on their head or their beard;
So like, the priest has to check out the disease, you know? And if it’s like, more than just a surface thing, like if it’s deep, and there’s this weird yellow hair on it, then the priest’s all like, ‘Dude, you’re unclean!’ It’s this dry scaly thing, like leprosy, on your head or beard.
So, like, if the priest checks out this skin issue and sees that it’s not too deep, and there’s no black hair in it, then he’s gonna isolate the person with the issue for a week, okay?
And on day seven, the priest’ll check out the skin infection. If the scabby patch hasn’t gotten bigger and there’s no yellow hair in it, and it’s not deeper than the surface of the skin,
He gotta shave his head, but he can’t touch that scaly patch; and the priest’s gonna keep the one with the patch locked up for another seven days:
And on the seventh day, the priest’ll check out the scall and, yo, if the scall hasn’t spread on the skin or goes deeper than the skin, then the priest’ll declare the person clean. They gotta wash their clothes and be clean, ya know.
But yo, if that scall keeps spreading all over the skin even after it’s been cleansed;
So, like, the priest checks out the person and if the rash has like, spread on the skin, the priest doesn’t have to look for blonde hair, ’cause that person’s unclean, man.
But if the rash is still there and has black hair growing in it, the rash has healed and he’s good to go. The priest declares him clean.
If someone, whether it’s a dude or a girl, has these lit white spots on their skin,
So, like, the priest needs to check out these spots on their skin, and if they’re kind of like darkish white, then it’s just like a cool freckle thing and they’re all good, no worries.
And the dude whose hair has fallen out, he’s bald, but he’s legit clean. #freshshave
If someone’s hair is falling off from the front of their head, making them forehead bald, they’re still considered clean.
And yo, if there’s like a white reddish sore on the bald head or the bald forehead, that’s straight up leprosy popping off in his bald head or his bald forehead.
So, like, the priest checks it out, and if there’s, like, a white or reddish sore on their bald head or forehead, it’s, you know, like leprosy on the skin.
He’s, like, a super messed up dude, totally unclean: the priest’s gonna be all, ‘Yeah, he’s seriously unclean, no hope for him.’ His sickness is like, in his head, you know?
If someone has leprosy, they gotta rip their clothes, go bald, cover their mouth, and yell ‘I’m unclean, super unclean!’
Like, for real, any day that he’s got that plague, he’s totally contaminated and defiled. Gross, right? He’s all unclean and stuff. So he’s gotta live all by himself, outside the camp. That’s where he’s gonna stay, you know?
And like, if there’s this piece of clothing with leprosy, whether it’s made of wool or linen, ya know,
Whether it’s in the cool design or the cozy fabric – be it linen or wool, or even some dope leather goods – in whatever fly form it comes, rock it with style and flair. No matter if it’s stitched or crafted, make it a masterpiece of creativity.
If there’s like this green or red blotch on a piece of clothing or your skin or anything made of skin, whether it’s like the pattern or the fabric itself, it’s most likely leprosy and you gotta go show it to the priest. The word ‘thing’ in Hebrew means like a vessel or an instrument, by the way.
And the priest’ll check out the nasty situation and quarantine the person with the problem for a whole week:
And he gotta check out the disease after a whole week: if the disease spread through the clothes, whether in the threads or in the fabric, or even on some animal skin, or anything made of animal skin; then it’s a nasty case of leprosy; it’s totally unclean.
So, like, that outfit has gotta be totally burned if it’s made of wool or linen or any kinda animal skin and has some nasty leprosy thing going on. Burn it all up, man!
And if the priest checks it out and sees that the infection hasn’t spread on the clothing, whether it’s in the threads, fabric, or anything made of leather;
Then the priest’ll be like, ‘Yo, wash that thing where the plague is, and keep it quarantined for another seven days, fam.’
Then the priest’ll check the skin rash after it has been washed and, look, if the rash hasn’t changed color and hasn’t spread, then it is considered unclean. You have to burn it up in the fire because it has corroded deep down, whether it’s bald on the head or on the forehead.
And if the priest checks it out, and, like, sees that the skin condition is still kinda shady even after washing it, then he should totally tear it out of the clothes or the skin or the pattern, ya know?
And if the stain’s still on the clothing, whether on the design or the fabric or any kind of material; it’s a contagious infection: you need to destroy the affected item by setting it on fire.
Yo, check it. If you gotta clean some clothes or whatever, whether it’s made of threads or animal skin or whatever, after you’ve washed it and the disease is gone, you gotta wash it again to make sure it’s completely clean.
So basically, here’s how it goes when it comes to leprosy in clothes, whether it’s made of wool, linen, or even animal skin. You either say it’s clean or you say it’s unclean, following the rules.

Leviticus 14

So, like, God was all, “Yo, Moses, listen up!”
Here’s the scoop for dealing with a leper who’s getting cleansed: they gotta get taken to the priest.
So, check it, the priest’s gotta bounce from the whole camp, and then he’s gonna scope out the leper, you know? And if the leprosy’s all cleared up, that’s a good sign, ya know?
So, the priest tells the person who needs purifying to grab two birds that are alive and clean, plus some cedar wood, scarlet, and hyssop. Oh, and you can use sparrows instead of birds, by the way.
Then the priest is like, “Yo, take one of those birds and dip it in a clay pot full of flowing water.”
Now, grab the other bird, along with some cedar wood, scarlet thread, and hyssop. Dip them and the live bird into the blood of the bird you snuffed out over the flowing water.
Then sprinkle that leper dude seven times, declare him all good, and set the live bird free into the wild.
The person getting cleaned up needs to freshen up, shave, and take a nice shower. Then they can chill outside their tent for a whole week.
But on the seventh day, they gotta shave everything – head, beard, eyebrows, the whole deal. Plus, wash their clothes and body, and then they’ll be squeaky clean.
So, on the 8th day, grab two flawless male lambs, plus one flawless female lamb under a year old, and some top-notch flour mixed with oil, and more oil.
The priest takes the clean dude and all that jazz to the LORD at the entrance of the meeting spot.
The priest offers a lamb as a trespass offering and waves them as a lit offering in front of the LORD.
Then he kills the lamb in the holy spot and handles its blood just like the sin offering, ’cause trespass offerings are super holy too!
The priest puts some of the blood on the right ear, thumb, and big toe of the person being purified.
Then he pours oil into his own left hand.
He takes some oil and sprinkles it seven times in front of the LORD.
The leftover oil goes on the right ear, thumb, and big toe of the person being purified, on top of the blood from the trespass offering.
And the rest of the oil goes on their head to make things right before the LORD.
The priest does the sin offering, making things right for the person, and then they burn the offering.
The priest puts the offerings on the altar and does his thing to make up for any bad vibes, then the person’s all purified.
If he’s broke, he can bring a lamb as a peace offering and wave it to make up for his mistake. Plus, some fancy flour mixed with oil and more oil.
Also, two turtledoves or two young pigeons, whatever he can find, for different offerings.
On the eighth day, bring it all to the priest at the entrance of the tabernacle to get cleansed.
The priest waves them as an offering to the Lord.
Then they slay the lamb for the apology, and the priest puts its blood on the person’s right ear, thumb, and big toe.
Pour oil into the priest’s left hand.
Dab oil seven times in front of the LORD.
Dab some oil on the person’s right ear, thumb, and big toe, where the blood from the sin offering is.
And pour the rest of the oil on the person’s head to make things right with the LORD.
Offer one of those turtledoves or young pigeons, whatever’s on hand.
If he wants to make up for his sin, bring a sin offering and a burnt offering, plus some food. Then the priest makes things right for him before the LORD.
This is the deal for someone with leprosy who can’t reach what they need to get clean.
Yo, the LORD was like, talking to Moses and Aaron, and this is what He said.
Once y’all hit up Canaan, your new spot, and a leprosy situation pops off in someone’s crib;
The homeowner tells the priest, like, “Yo, there’s some crazy stuff going on in my crib, like a major problem or something:”
Then the priest’s like, “Everybody bounce until I check it out. We don’t want any contamination. After that, I’ll handle it.”
He checks for green or red marks on the walls, lower than the rest of the wall.
Then he seals the crib tight for a week.
On the seventh day, he checks it out again. If the disease has spread, there’s a problem.
Get rid of infected stones outside the city.
Deep clean the crib, dumping all the dust outside.
Swap out stones and patch up the house.
If the plague pops up again, even after all that;
And if the infection has spread, it’s unclean.
Demolish and haul away the whole house.
Anyone who goes in the house while it’s shut is unclean until evening.
Indoor folks gotta do laundry.
If the plague hasn’t spread after fixing up the house, the priest says, “The house is all good, the plague is healed.”
So, grab two birds, cedar wood, scarlet, and hyssop to clean the house.
Snuff one bird in a clay pot full of fresh water.
Dip the other bird, along with cedar wood, hyssop, scarlet, and a live bird, in the blood and water. Sprinkle the house seven times.
Purify the house using those goodies.
Set the live bird free and make atonement for the house.
That’s the deal with dealing with leprosy.
And for when clothes or a house are infected with bad vibes,
And for any weird skin thing:
This is the lowdown on dealing with leprosy. Know what’s up when things are clean and when they’re not.

Leviticus 15

So, the big man upstairs was chatting with Moses and Aaron, and He was all like,
“Yo, Israelites! Listen up! If any dude’s dealing with a nasty bodily thing, he’s totally unclean ’cause of it. Gross, right? Yeah, it’s like that.
Here’s the deal on how someone gets unclean with a bodily issue: whether stuff’s flowing or blocked, that’s what makes ’em unclean.
Any bed the unclean person crashes on ain’t clean, and anything they sit on ain’t either.
If anyone touches their bed, they gotta scrub up, hit the shower, and stay unclean till sundown.
Same deal if you sit where they sat. Wash up, shower, and you’re unclean till evening.
If you touch the skin of someone with the issue, same drill: wash up, shower, and stay unclean till sundown.
And if someone with a spitting problem spits on a clean person, that person’s gotta clean up and shower. They’re unclean till evening.
Any chair a person with the issue sat on is unclean.
Anyone touching anything under them is unclean till evening. If you carry any of that stuff, wash up, shower, and stay unclean till evening.
If you touch someone with a contagious disease and forget to wash up, clean your clothes and take a full-on shower. You’re unclean till evening.
If someone with the issue touches something clay, it’s gotta go. Wood stuff should get a good water scrub.
Once the person’s healed from their issue, they gotta wait seven days for a cleanse. Wash clothes, shower, and they’re good to go, all fresh and clean.
On day eight, they gotta bring two birds to the priest at the tabernacle entrance.
The priest does his thing, one bird for sin, one for a burnt offering, you know? Making things cool with the big guy for the person and their issues.
If a guy’s got stuff coming out, he’s gotta wash up and stay dirty till evening.
Clothes or fabrics with the stuff gotta be washed and stay unclean till evening.
After some adult time, quick shower and stay unclean till evening.
If a girl’s on her period, she’s gotta keep to herself for seven days. Anyone touching her is impure till evening.
Anything she uses while separated is unclean, including what she sits or lies on.
If you touch her bed, clean up, shower, and you’re unclean till evening.
Same deal if you touch where she sat.
If it’s on her bed or where she sat, touching it makes you unclean till evening.
If someone hooks up with her during her period, they’re unclean for a week. Bed’s unclean too.
If a girl’s bleeding for days outside her period or it lasts longer, those days are like her period days.
Any bed she uses during her period’s her special one, and anything she sits on’s unclean too.
Anyone touching those things is totally unclean. Wash up, shower, and stay unclean till evening.
If she’s healed, wait seven days, and she’s clean.
Day eight, she brings birds to the priest.
Priest does his thing, making things right with the big guy for her uncleanness.
So, bottom line, Israelites gotta keep clean to avoid a grim fate of dying in their impurity. Gotta show respect to my tabernacle, hanging with them, you know?
Here’s the deal for anyone dealing with reproductive health issues and making things messy and unconventional.
And for anyone dealing with health issues, whether it’s periods or other bodily stuff, whether it’s a guy or a girl, or anyone getting down with someone unclean.

Leviticus 16

Alright, so, after Aaron’s two sons offered stuff to the LORD and ended up, like, passing away, the LORD started talking to Moses, you know?
God was like, ‘Hey Moses, tell your bro Aaron he can’t just stroll into the super sacred spot behind the curtain in front of the mercy seat whenever he feels like it. If he does, he’s gonna end up in trouble, ’cause I’mma show up in the cloud right above the mercy seat.
So Aaron’s gotta step into the sacred with a rad young bull for a sin-offering and a dope ram for a burnt offering.
He’s gotta put on that fresh holy linen coat, and rock those linen breeches on his bod. Gotta flex that linen girdle and top it off with a linen mitre. Those clothes are super sacred, so he better cleanse his skin with water before wearing them.
So, basically, he’s gonna grab two baby goats from the Israelite crew as a sacrifice for their sins. Oh, and also a ram for a fire sacrifice.
And Aaron will need to take care of his own business first with the sin-offering bull, just for himself, and his fam too.
And he’s gonna grab those two goats and bring them over to the LORD, like right outside the tabernacle. It’s gonna be a moment at the door of the congregation, fam.
Aaron’s gotta draw straws for the two goats: one for God, and the other one for the scapegoat. Scapegoat, by the way, is Hebrew for Azazel. #randomgoatselect
And Aaron’s gonna bring the goat that got picked by the LORD, and offer it as a sin offering. Ya know, the chosen one and all.
But like, the goat that got picked as the scapegoat, it’s gotta be brought in front of the LORD all alive and stuff, to make things right, ya know? And then it’s gotta be set free into the wilderness as the official scapegoat.
So Aaron is gonna bring this bullock, which is basically a big ol’ cow, for the sin offering. He’s gotta do this for himself first, and make things right, you know? Not just for himself though, but also for his family. Then, he’s gotta take that cow and get it sorted, ’cause that’s the whole point of the sin offering for himself.
And he will grab a censer full of fiery coals from the altar in front of the LORD, and his hands full of crushed sweet incense, and carry it inside the curtain:
And, like, he’s gonna light up the incense in front of the LORD, so that the smoke hides the mercy seat, you know, the one on top of the testimony, just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally, like, get into trouble or anything.
Then he’ll take some of the bull’s blood and sprinkle it with his finger on the mercy seat towards the east. He’ll sprinkle the blood on the mercy seat seven times with his finger.
So he’ll sacrifice the goat for the sin offering, specifically for the people, and take its blood inside the curtain. He’ll treat the goat’s blood just like he did with the bull’s blood, sprinkling it on the mercy seat and in front of the mercy seat.
And he’s gonna sort out the holy, ’cause the guys from Israel have been super dirty and doing all sorts of bad stuff. So, he’s gonna do the same for the tabernacle where everyone hangs, ’cause it’s still with them even though they’re all dirty.
Yo, no one should be up in the tabernacle of the congregation when he’s about to go in and make things right in the holy spot. He’s gotta come out first, and make things right for himself, his fam, and the whole congregation of Israel.
Then he’s gonna head over to the altar in front of the LORD and sort things out there, you know? He’ll grab some blood from the bull and the goat and spread it on the corners of the altar. It’s all about making things right and cleansing, you feel?
Then he’s gonna sprinkle the blood on it seven times with his finger, making it all clean and sacred, getting rid of all the stuff that made it impure from the Israelite squad.
And once he’s finished making everything in the holy, and the gathering spot, and the altar all good again, he’s gonna bring in the live goat:
So Aaron will put both his hands on the head of the goat that’s still alive, and he’ll admit all the wrongdoings and sins of the people of Israel. Then, he’ll place all that guilt on the goat’s head and have a capable guy lead the goat away into the wild-lands. (And just so you know, that capable guy is like, the right person at the right time!)
And the goat, like, totally gonna carry all their stuff, you know, to this deserted place and then just set it free. Wild, right?
So Aaron’s gonna step into the tabernacle hangout spot and take off his fancy linen clothes that he wore when he went to the super sacred place and leave ’em there.
Then he gotta clean himself up with water in this holy spot, put on his fresh clothes, step outside, and make his burnt offering for himself and the rest of the people to make things right.
And he’s gotta, like, totally roast the fatty part of the sin offering on the altar, no cap.
The person who releases the goat as the scapegoat needs to wash their clothes, cleanse their body with water, and then return to the camp.
The bullock and the goat, which were sacrificed to make up for our wrongdoings, must be taken outside the camp and burned, including their skin, flesh, and dung.
And the person who burns them should wash their clothes and clean themselves in water, and only then may they return to the camp.
Yo, here’s the deal: this is gonna be a never-ending rule for y’all. On the seventh month, specifically the tenth day, you gotta lay low and take a break – no workin’ at all. And I mean everyone, whether you’re from here or just visiting.
Because, like dude, on that day, the priest will totally hook you up with an atonement that will cleanse you, so you can be, like, super clean from all your stuff in front of the LORD, you know?
It’s like a chill day off for you, where you don’t stress out and just take it easy, totally intentionally, forever.
And the priest, who he will choose and dedicate to serve as a priest in place of his father, will make amends and wear the special holy clothes, also known as the ‘fill his hand’ garments.
And he’s gotta do this whole atonement thing for the holy sanctuary, the tabernacle where everyone hangs, the altar, the priests, and like, every single person in the whole congregation, you know?
So this is gonna be a forever rule for you, like a tradition, to make up for all the stuff the Israelites do once a year. And yeah, the dude totally followed what the LORD told Moses to do.

Leviticus 17

So, God straight-up had a chat with Moses, like, serious business, you feel?
Aaron, his sons, and all you peeps of Israel, check it out! God’s dropping knowledge, so listen close:
If any dude from Israel’s crew decides to take down an ox, lamb, or goat, whether in the camp or outside,
If they don’t bring that offering to the entrance of the hangout where we vibe with the Lord, it’s a no-go. It’s like spilling blood, and that’s a one-way ticket out of the squad.
So, Israelites can bring their offerings, even those done out in the open field, to the LORD, at the entrance of our holy hangout, and present them to the priest as peace offerings.
The priest will sprinkle that blood on the LORD’s altar by the hangout’s entrance and burn the fat to keep the Lord happy.
And they’re ditching those fake idols for good, ’cause they’ve been messing around with them. This rule is set in stone for them, now and forever.
So, if anyone, whether from the Israel fam or just visiting, wants to offer fire sacrifices or other offerings,
If they don’t bring their offering to the hangout’s door where God’s kicking it, they’re out of the crew.
And if anyone, whether an Israelite or a visitor, chows down on blood in any form, they’re getting the boot, straight-up.
Listen up! Blood is serious business, folks. I gave it to you for cleansing your souls on the altar. It’s the real deal when it comes to making things right with your soul.
So, listen up, Israelites! I’m laying it out plain: none of y’all should be eating that blood. And for any visitors, same deal – no blood on the menu.
If anyone, whether an Israelite or a visitor, goes hunting and bags some game or birds, they gotta pour out the blood and cover it with dust. Keep it clean and respectful, you know?
‘Cause, like, the life of all living things is in their blood, you feel? That’s why I told the Israelites not to chow down on flesh with blood in it. It’s a big no-no. Anyone who breaks that rule is out.
If anyone eats an animal that died on its own or was torn by animals, whether they’re from the crew or a visitor, they gotta wash up, take a shower, and stay low-key until evening. Then, they’re good to go.
But if they skip the wash-up, they’re gonna have to face the consequences for their actions, you know?

Leviticus 18

God hit up Moses with a message, like, real talk.
Listen up, fam! This message is for all the Israelites. So, pay attention. I’m the Most High, the God who’s got your back.
Don’t be copying the messed up stuff the Egyptians used to do when you were living there. And when I bring you to the land of Canaan, don’t start following their messed up ways either. Don’t be copying their laws and customs, okay?
Stick to my rules, and always keep my commandments in mind, living by them. Just so you know, I am the LORD your God.
So, make sure to follow all my rules and decisions, alright? ‘Cause if you do, you’ll be living your best life with me, the LORD.
Don’t be getting too cozy with family members in a way that’s not cool. That’s a boundary, I’m the LORD. #boundaries
Respect your parents and keep their private business private. Your mom’s off-limits, so don’t be spreading her private stuff around.
Don’t be doing anything inappropriate with your dad’s wife – that’s just not right, dude.
Keep your sibling’s private parts private, whether they’re from your dad’s side or mom’s side, born in the same house or not. No revealing their nakedness, alright?
Keep your granddaughter’s or great-granddaughter’s bodies covered. It’s just as bad as exposing yourself if you don’t.
If your dad has a step-daughter from his wife and she’s your sister, respect her and don’t cross any lines. Keep her nakedness private, fam.
Don’t be getting too friendly with your dad’s sister, ’cause she’s family and that’s not cool.
Respect your mom’s sister and keep her private stuff private too, ’cause she’s practically family, you know?
Don’t mess with your uncle by getting involved with his wife. She’s your aunt, man.
Keep it respectful with your daughter-in-law, she’s your son’s partner. No exposing her like that.
Keep your brother’s wife off-limits, dude. It’s like stepping into your bro’s personal space.
Don’t be revealing the private stuff of a woman and her daughter, and don’t mess with her granddaughters either. It’s family, and it’s not cool.
Don’t even think about marrying your wife’s sister just to upset her and see her naked while she’s still alive. Seriously, don’t go there. Keep it classy, bro.
And don’t even think about getting close to a woman during her time of impurity.
And definitely don’t mess around with your neighbor’s spouse. It’s not cool, and it’s not worth it.
Don’t sacrifice your kids to Molech or disrespect God’s name, alright? I’m the LORD, just so you know. (BTW, Molech means Moloch in Greek)
No same-gender hookups, guys. It’s just not cool. Major no-no.
Don’t get freaky with animals, that’s just gross. And ladies, no getting freaky with animals either. It’s all messed up, man.
Don’t mess yourselves up by doing any of these things, because all the other nations messed themselves up, and I had to kick them out:
And the land is totally messed up: so I’m like, yeah, I’m gonna hold it accountable for all the bad stuff happening, and the land itself is just like, ‘nope’, and throws out all the people living there.
So, follow all the rules and laws that I’ve given you, and absolutely do not do any of these disgusting things. And seriously, this applies to everyone, whether they’re part of your own people or a stranger living in your community. No exceptions, guys!
Listen up, ’cause the people who lived in this land before you totally messed up and did all sorts of messed up things, making the whole place super contaminated and gross.
So, don’t be grossed out, but if you mess up the land by making it dirty and stuff, it might kick you out, just like it did with the previous people before you.
If anyone does any of these terrible things, even those who do them will be excluded from their community.
So make sure to follow my rules, and don’t engage in any of these disgusting practices that were done by people before you. Don’t taint yourselves with them. I’m the LORD your God.

Leviticus 19

God hit up Moses like,
Yo, check it, fam! Listen up, all my peeps in the Israel squad. God’s hittin’ you up, sayin’ ‘Yo, y’all gotta keep it holy, ’cause I, the LORD your God, I’m all about that holiness.’
You gotta show some major respect to your moms and dads and keep it chill on the sabbaths – I’m the real deal, the LORD your God.
Don’t get caught up with idols or start craftin’ your own trendy gods, fam. I’m the OG, the LORD your God.
And if you feel like flexin’ with an offering to the LORD, go for it whenever, no pressure.
You gotta munch on that offering right away, like, same day and next day. But yo, if there’s any leftovers till the third day, you gotta roast that stuff up in the fire, no leftovers allowed.
And if you even think about munchin’ on it by the third day, it’s like totally gross and not cool, dude. Just not happening.
So, like, if anyone chows down on that, they’re gonna be held responsible for their wrongdoing, ’cause they’re dissing the sacred thing of the LORD, ya know? And that person’s totally getting booted from the crew.
When you’re harvesting your crops, don’t clean out the whole field, and leave some behind for those in need.
Don’t be greedy with your vineyard, alright? Leave some grapes for those who need it, whether they’re strugglin’ or strangers. Just remember, I’m the LORD your God, so be kind and generous.
Don’t swipe stuff that ain’t yours, don’t front or be fake, and don’t lie to your squad.
Don’t be throwin’ around my name like it’s no big deal, and don’t disrespect your God’s name. I’m the LORD, by the way.
Don’t scam or steal from your homie, and pay your workers right away.
Treat everyone with respect, and don’t mess with the deaf or trip up the blind, bro. Just respect God, you know? ‘Cause I’m the LORD.
When you’re judging others, don’t play favorites based on their social status. Treat everyone fairly, whether they’re rich or poor. Always aim to be just and fair.
Don’t spread rumors and gossip amongst your crew, and don’t hold back when your neighbor needs help. I’m the LORD, so keep it real.
Don’t hold any hate for your bro deep down inside. If you see your neighbor messin’ up, call them out and help ’em avoid sin. Don’t let sin stick to ’em, ya feel?
Don’t seek revenge or hold grudges against your peeps, but treat your neighbor as you treat yourself. I’m the LORD, by the way.
Follow my rules, okay? Don’t let your animals mix it up, and when you’re planting crops, stick to one type of seed, no mix and match. And stay away from clothes made of both linen and wool, that’s a big no-no!
If anyone hooks up with a woman who’s engaged but not set free yet, they’re gonna get punished, but not with death, since she’s not free. They’re gettin’ a beating, ’cause she’s been mistreated.
And he’s gotta bring his trespass offering to the LORD, right at the door of the tabernacle where everyone gathers, you know? Like, a ram. That’s what he’s supposed to bring for his trespass offering.
And the priest is gonna hook him up with a ram as a peace offering to make things right with the LORD for the screw-up he did. Once that’s done, his wrongdoing will be totally forgiven.
So when you finally settle in the land and have planted all kinds of food-producing trees, remember this: for the first three years, consider the fruit off-limits, like it’s not ready yet. Don’t eat it just yet.
But in the fourth year, all the fruit from the tree should be set aside to give thanks to the LORD. It’s all about praising Him!
And like, in the fifth year, you can totally feast on the fruit, so that it gives you mad good vibes and, yo, abundance, you know? ‘Cause, like, I’m the LORD your God and all that.
Don’t chow down on anything with the blood, and stay far away from magical stuff and time-watching.
Don’t shave or trim the edges of your head or mess up the corners of your beard.
You shouldn’t carve yourself or get any tattoos as a way to honor the deceased. Remember, I’m the LORD.
Don’t sell out your daughter and make her a prostitute; if you do, the whole land will become full of immorality and wickedness.
Make sure you respect my chill downtime and treat my sacred place with mad reverence, because I’m the LORD, you know?
Don’t hang out with people who mess with spirits or try to be all magical, it’s not cool and you’ll just end up feeling dirty. I’m the real deal, the boss, the LORD your God.
Respect your elders, man! Give props to those wise old souls, and show reverence to your God. I’m the one and only, the LORD.
If a random person, like, stays in your hood, you gotta treat ’em with respect. Can’t be hatin’ or puttin’ ’em down or anything, ya know? Like, be chill and show some love, man. No need to cause trouble or be mean. That’s not cool.
Treat the outsider chillin’ with you like part of the crew, show ’em love like they’re one of your own, ’cause, bro, back in the day, we were strangers in Egypt. Just a reminder, I’m the LORD your God, so keep it real.
Don’t be unfair when making decisions or sizing things up, whether it’s using a measuring tape, a scale, or any kind of measurement.
You gotta have fair scales, fair measurements, a fair container, and a fair liquid measure, okay? Because I’m the LORD your God who rescued you from Egypt. Just sayin’, y’know. #NoCheating #Grateful
So, like, you gotta follow all my rules, and make sure you do everything I say, you know? ‘Cause I’m the LORD and all that. No biggie.

Leviticus 20

So, God was like, yo Moses, listen up,
Once again, tell all the people of Israel, whether they’re from Israel or just visiting, that if anyone sacrifices their child to Molech, they’re gonna pay the ultimate price. The people of the land will gather round and stone them to death.
And I’ll totally be against that dude, like I’m cutting him off from his squad. It’s because he went and offered his kids to Molech, like straight up defiling my sacred place and disrespecting my holy name.
And if the peeps out there totally ignore it when someone sacrifices their child to Molech and don’t do anything about it:
So, like, I’m totally gonna be super mad at that guy and his whole fam and I’m gonna, like, completely cut them off. And anyone who’s, like, following his bad vibes and doing all that shady stuff with Molech, they gotta bounce too from their crew.
And if someone starts chasing after people who claim to commune with spirits or practice wizardry, going after them like they’re dating, I will personally be totally against that person, and they will be completely excluded from their community.
Yo, make yourselves pure and live with mad integrity, ’cause I’m your God, fam.
And you gotta follow my rules, like actually do them: I’m the LORD and I make you holy.
Anyone who disrespects their parents is seriously in trouble. It’s like they’re bringing death upon themselves because they’ve disrespected their own parents. They’ve got no one to blame but themselves.
If a dude cheats with someone else’s girl, whether it’s his bro’s girl or his neighbor’s girl, both the cheater and the cheatee gotta face the ultimate consequence – death penalty, no joke!
If anyone hooks up with his dad’s ex, they’re totally exposing their dad’s private business. Both of ’em are gonna get straight up eliminated, their actions are on their own heads, no one else’s.
If a dude hooks up with his ex’s daughter, they’re both getting wiped out. They totally messed things up and it’s all on them, man.
If a guy hooks up with another guy like he does with a girl, it’s considered totally messed up: they need to face the consequences and it’s on them.
If a dude marries both a girl and her mom, that’s absolutely messed up: they gotta be burned alive, both of them, no exceptions. It’s all about keeping things clean and righteous, no wickedness allowed in our crew.
If someone engages in intimate relationships with an animal, they will definitely face capital punishment, and the animal involved will also be put to death.
If anyone engages in inappropriate relations with an animal, the consequences are severe: both the person and the animal must be put to death. They will face the consequences of their actions, and justice will be served.
If a guy ever hooks up with his sister (his dad or mom’s daughter) and they start getting all naked together, that’s super messed up. People will totally disown them for that, ’cause exposing your sister like that is just not cool. They gotta deal with the consequences of breaking the rules, ’cause that’s on them.
If a dude hooks up with a girl who’s on her period and exposes her nakedness, he’s messing with her flow and she’s revealing her menstrual cycle. They both gotta be expelled from their community.
You can’t hook up with your mom’s sister or your dad’s sister, ’cause that’s just getting it on with close family. They’ll have to deal with the consequences of their actions, ya know?
If a dude hooks up with his uncle’s wife, he’s exposing his uncle’s private stuff. They’ll face the consequences and won’t have any kids.
If a dude starts dating his bro’s ex, it’s not cool, man. He’s breaking the bro code and disrespecting his bro’s boundaries. They won’t be able to have any kids together. It’s just not right, ya know?
So, like, make sure you follow all of my rules and do what I say, okay? That way, when you move to the land I’m taking you to, you won’t get kicked out or anything. Stay cool, bro.
And don’t copy the ways of the people I kicked out before you, cause they were doing all sorts of messed up stuff and I couldn’t stand them.
But yo, listen up fam, I already told y’all that you’re gonna get their land and I’m gonna hook you up with it. It’s gonna be lit, like a sick spot that’s flowing with mad milk and honey. Just remember, I’m the LORD your God, and I’ve set you apart from all them other peeps out there.
So, like, you gotta remember to distinguish between the animals that are considered clean and the ones that are considered unclean, you know? Also, make sure to tell the difference between the birds that are clean and the ones that are unclean. And, like, don’t do anything that would make your souls icky or disgusting by messing with any unclean animals, birds, or any of those creepy-crawly things on the ground. Back then, I decided they were unclean, so, yeah.
And you gotta be straight up sacred to me: ’cause I, the LORD, am sacred and like, I’ve totally set you apart from everyone else, so you could be like, totally mine.
If anyone, male or female, practices witchcraft or claims to have supernatural powers, they will face severe consequences. They will be subjected to stoning, and their fate will be their own responsibility.

Leviticus 21

Yo, Moses, check it. Tell the priests, sons of Aaron, they can’t be messing with dead bodies and getting all defiled in front of their crew.
But when it comes to his fam, you know, his mom, dad, siblings, bros, and sis,
And if it’s his sister, a virgin, and she’s all tight with him, hasn’t been married, he can choose to get cozy with her.
But he’s gotta keep his rep clean, man, ’cause he’s a respected dude in his squad. Gotta keep his dignity on point. (Or, if he’s hitched, he can’t be dishonoring himself or his wifey.)
No bald heads, no shaving the beard, and definitely no cuts on the skin for these guys.
They gotta be all in for their God, and never diss the Big Guy’s name. ‘Cause they’re the ones serving up those lit offerings to the LORD and munching on that holy bread. So, yeah, they gotta stay hella holy.
They can’t be getting hitched to anyone loose or disrespectful, and definitely not a divorced lady. They’re all about serving their God, man.
So, like, you gotta keep him super holy, ’cause he’s the one bringing the bread to your God. He’s gotta be top-tier sacred to you, ’cause I, the LORD, am the one who makes you all holy and stuff.
If a priest’s daughter is acting up, doing things she shouldn’t, she’s dishonoring her pops and gotta face the fire punishment.
The high priest, you know, the one with the anointing oil and the cool threads, can’t be showing off his dome or ripping his gear, man.
No touching dead bodies or messing up his vibe, not even for his folks;
He can’t bail on the holy spot, disrespecting the sacred place of his God, ’cause he’s got that anointing oil vibe, representing his special status. I am the LORD.
And he’s gotta find himself a wifey who’s pure as snow.
No widows, no divorcees, no disrespects, no bad girls for him, but a virgin from his own crew is cool.
He can’t diss his kids in his squad, ’cause yo, I, the LORD, gonna bless him.
So, God was like, ‘Hey Moses, listen up,’
Yo Aaron, check it. If any of your descendants got some flaws, tell ’em to fall back and not bring no bread to offer to God.
Anyone with imperfections, like being blind, lame, having a flat nose, or any other physical abnormality, shouldn’t step up.
Or like, someone with a jacked-up foot or hand,
Or someone with a hunchback, someone short, someone with an eye issue, or someone with skin problems, scars, or someone who’s had a rough time down there.
Dude, anyone with any kind of flaw from Aaron’s fam, the priest, can’t come close to offer the LORD’s offerings that go up in smoke. If he’s got a flaw, he can’t come close to offer God’s bread, period.
He’s gonna munch on God’s bread, the super legit holy stuff and the kinda holy stuff too.
Yo, they can’t be rolling up near the curtain or altar if they’re blemished. Gotta keep my sanctuaries holy, ’cause I’m the LORD, and I’m the one who makes ’em sacred.
So Moses was like, hey Aaron and his sons, and yo all the Israelite peeps, listen up, I got something to tell ya.

Leviticus 22

Yo, God straight up spoke to Moses, like,
Listen up, Aaron and his crew! I’m telling ya, keep yourselves away from the sacred stuff of the Israelites. Don’t go disrespecting my holy name by messing with the things that are dedicated to me. I’m the LORD, by the way.
Tell them that anyone from your squad, no matter which gen they’re from, who messes with the sacred stuff that the Israelites dedicate to the LORD while being unclean, will be totally out of my presence. Just so you know, I’m the LORD.
If any dude from the Aaron fam is dealing with leprosy or some gross running thing, he can’t chow down on holy stuff until he gets himself cleaned up. Also, if anyone touches something dirty because of a dead body or a guy who’s got some weird stuff coming out, you gotta stay away too.
Like, if you touch some gross creepy creature or come in contact with a dude who’s all unclean, whatever kind of unclean stuff he’s got going on;
If your soul comes in contact with any of these things, you’re gonna be unclean until the evening and you can’t munch on the holy stuff unless you clean yourself up with some water.
And when it’s dark outside, he’ll be good to go and can eat the sacred stuff as his grub.
Don’t eat anything that died on its own or was killed by animals, or else you’ll make yourself impure. I’m the LORD.
So, like, they gotta follow my rules, ya know? Otherwise, they’ll take on the sin and end up dead. And if they disrespect it, it’s like a major deal, okay? I, the LORD, am the one who makes ’em all sacred and stuff.
No random person can munch on the sacred stuff: only a chill non-local friend of the priest, or someone working for them, can snack on the sacred stuff.
But if the priest pays for someone’s soul with his own cash, he can dig into the grub, as well as those who were born in his crib. They all get a taste of the meal he buys. (BTW, that thing in curly braces means ‘with the money he spent on it’).
If the priest’s daughter gets hitched to someone outside the fam, she can’t chow down on the sacred offerings. And by ‘someone outside the fam,’ I mean some random dude she barely knows.
But like, if the priest’s daughter becomes single again or gets a divorce, and she doesn’t have any kids, and she goes back to live with her dad, just like when she was young, she can totally eat her dad’s food, but no random person can eat it.
If someone accidentally eats something holy, they should give the priest a fifth of it as compensation.
And they shall not disrespect the sacred stuff the Israelites offer to the LORD;
Don’t let them take on the guilt of doing wrong when they eat sacred things. ‘Cause I, the LORD, make them holy.
God talked to Moses, like,
Yo, Aaron and his homies, listen up! This message goes out to all the peeps in Israel, whether you’re part of the fam or just visiting. If you wanna make a dope offering to the LORD, whether it’s a promise you made or a freewill offering, here’s what you gotta do.
You gotta bring a flawless dude from cows, sheep, or goats whenever you feel like it.
Yo, anything that’s messed up, you can’t be bringin’ that as an offering ’cause it ain’t gonna be cool with the big man upstairs.
And if someone wants to bring a sacrifice of peace offerings to the LORD to fulfill their vow, or a voluntary offering of cattle or sheep, it has to be flawless and in perfect condition to be accepted; there should be no defects in it.
If your animal is blind, injured, disabled, has a weird growth, has a skin condition, or is covered in sores, don’t bring it as an offering to the LORD or burn it on the altar!
If the animal you’re planning to offer as a freewill offering has any extra or missing parts, like a bullock or a lamb, it won’t be accepted if it’s for a vow. You can also offer a kid instead of a lamb if you want.
Don’t even think about presenting anything to the LORD that’s all banged up, squished, shattered, or sliced. And don’t even try making any offerings like that in your turf.
Yo, don’t even think about offering up some janky bread from some random person to God. That stuff is probably messed up, all full of flaws and imperfections. It ain’t gonna pass as good enough for Him, trust me.
And God was like, ‘Yo Moses, listen up,’
When a lit bullock, or a sheep, or a goat, comes into the world, it’s gotta chill with its mom for a solid seven days. Then on the eighth day and after, it’s ready to be lit AF and offered up in fire to the LORD.
Yo, don’t be slaying both a cow or an ewe and their offspring on the same day, fam. No need to take out the whole fam, ya feel me? And by ewe, I mean a she goat, just so you know. Keep it chill and spread the love, bro.
And when you want to give thanks to the LORD, offer it however you want.
Eat it all that day, no leftovers till tomorrow. I’m the LORD, FYI.
So, like, you gotta follow my commandments and actually do them, you know? I’m the LORD, by the way.
Yo, don’t disrespect my holy name, yo. I wanna be respected and revered by the whole squad of Israelites, aight? I’m the LORD, I’m the one who makes y’all sacred, ya feel me?
That rescued you from Egypt to be your God: I’m the LORD.

Leviticus 23

So, God starts dropping wisdom on Moses, like,
“Yo, spread the word to the Israelite crew that the LORD wants them to know about these epic gatherings, called holy convocations. They’re basically the LORD’s jam sessions, fam.
“Listen up, fam! You gotta grind for six days straight, but on the seventh day, it’s all about chill vibes and connecting with the big man upstairs, no matter where you’re at.
“These are the sacred shindigs of the LORD, like totally holy get-togethers, that you gotta shout out when the time is right.
“On the fourteenth day of the first month, when the sun sets, it’s time for the LORD’s passover.
“Yo, check it! On the fifteenth day of the same month, we gotta throw down for the feast of unleavened bread for the LORD. It’s gonna be lit for a whole week, so you gotta munch on that unleavened bread, no cap.
“On the first day, it’s all about the vibes: no adulting, just chill and enjoy.
“But seriously, you gotta bring some fire offering to the Lord for seven days straight. And on the seventh day, it’s gonna be totally holy, fam. No hustling like crazy on that day, okay?
“And God was like, chatting with Moses, and this is what He said,
“Yo, listen up, Israel squad! When you finally score that lit land I’m hooking you up with and start reaping those juicy crops, make sure you bring the first batch to the priest. It’s like the MVP of your harvest, ya feel? But for real, it’s all about that omer, aka a handful of blessings!
“And he’s gonna wave that sheaf in front of the LORD, to be like, ‘Yo, we’re cool.’ And he gotta do it the day after the chill sabbath, you know, when the priest does the whole waving thing.
“On that day, when you lift up the sheaf, you gotta offer a lit lamb, totally flawless and one year old, as a fire sacrifice to the Lord.
“And the food offering should be two tenths of fine flour mixed with oil, a lit offering for the LORD that’s absolutely fire: and the drink offering should be wine, one fourth of a hin.
“And you won’t be munching on bread, roasted grains, or fresh corn until you’ve made a nice offering to your God. This rule is gonna stick around forever, so make sure you remember it in all the places you call home.
“And you gotta start counting from the day after the chill sabbath, like when you first made that wave offering with the sheaf. Gotta count seven complete sabbaths, okay?
“Count fifty days, starting from the day after the seventh sabbath, and bring a fresh offering to the LORD.
“Yo, take two awesome loaves made with dope flour from your spot. Don’t forget to add some leaven to make them legit. These loaves are some next-level offering to the Lord, representing the firstfruits.
“And you gotta bring seven flawless lambs, only one-year-old, along with a young bull and two rams. They’re gonna be like a lit burnt offering to the LORD, with some dope bread, drink, and fire that smells hella good to the LORD.
“Yo, sacrifice a goat kid for the sin redemption vibes, and two baby lambs for a chill peace sacrifice.
“And the priest gonna flex them along with the fresh bread, like a lit wave offering to the LORD, with the two lambs: they gotta be straight up holy for the priest, ya feel?
“And on that same day, you’re supposed to make it a special gathering for yourself. Don’t do any sort of work that day – it’s gonna be a forever rule for all of you, everywhere you live, for all of time.
“When you’re gathering your crops, don’t be all like super neat and stuff by clearing out every last bit at the corners of your field. Also, don’t snatch up every little leftover piece when you’re harvesting. You gotta leave those for the poor and the outsiders in your land. Just so you know, I’m like the LORD, your God, and I’m sayin’ this!
“So, God talked to Moses and was like,
“Yo, listen up, Israel fam! Come the seventh month, on the first day, it’s time to chillax and have a lit Sabbath. We gonna make some noise with the trumpets, and get everyone together for a dope and sacred gathering.
“Don’t do any basic work on that day, but make sure to offer a lit offering to the LORD.
“Then God texted Moses like, ‘Yo dude, listen up!’
“On the 10th day of the 7th month, there’s gonna be a day where we make up for our mistakes. It’s gonna be a special and sacred gathering for you guys. You gotta reflect on your actions and bring an offering that we burn up for the LORD.
“And like, you gotta chill on that day, no hustlin’ or anything, ’cause it’s like a special day to make things right with the Big Guy upstairs, ya know?
“If anyone doesn’t show sadness on that day, they’ll be kicked out of their group.
“If anyone dares to do any work on that day, they will be totally canceled from the squad.
“Don’t bust a move, fam. This rule is gonna be forever and always, from now ’til forever, wherever you homies chill.
“It’s like a chill day for you, where you can totally take a break and reflect on life. On the ninth day of the month, starting in the evening and going all the way until the next evening, you should embrace this chill day and let your souls feel the good vibes.
“And God was like, ‘Yo Moses, listen up,’
“Yo, Israel, listen up! On the fifteenth day of the seventh month, we’re gonna have this lit celebration called the feast of tabernacles. It’s gonna go down for a whole week to honor the LORD. So get ready to party, ya’ll!
“On the first day, it’s time to gather and chillax: no hustle or grind allowed.
“For a whole week, you gotta light it up for the LORD with some fire offerings. And on the eighth day, it’s gonna be a real epic gathering for you, where you’ll keep the fire offerings going strong for the LORD. It’s gonna be lit, and make sure you don’t do any boring work during that time. It’s all about that special day, so no grinding, bro.
“These are the lit events the Lord wants you to flex on, where you gather up and bring your best game to offer some fire to the Lord. We’re talking about lit burnt offerings, dope meat offerings, sacrifices, and drink offerings, all on point and on the right day.
“In addition to the sacred days of the Lord, and in addition to the stuff you give to Him like your gifts, promises, and voluntary offerings.
“Yo, on the 15th day of the 7th month, after you’ve gathered all the dope fruit from the land, it’s time to throw a lit feast for the LORD that lasts a whole week! The first day is like a chill Sabbath, and then the eighth day is also a Sabbath.
“On the first day, get some lit branches from swaggy trees like palm trees, thick trees, and willows from the brook. Then, for a whole week, party it up and show your happiness to the LORD your God. Eyyy!
“And you gotta turn it into a lit celebration for the big man upstairs, lasting a whole seven days every year. This is gonna be a forever thing that you and your crew gotta keep doing, partying it up in the seventh month.
“You gotta live in these rad temporary shelters for a whole week, fam. It’s like a chill retreat, where every Israelite homie gets in on the vibe and sets up their own cozy booth.
“So that future peeps know I had the Israel fam crash in tents when I rescued them from Egypt. Just FYI, I’m the real deal, the LORD your God.
“So Moses told the Israelites about all the lit celebrations approved by the LORD.”

Leviticus 24

So, the Big Man Upstairs was like, ‘Hey Moses, listen up,’
Yo, tell the Israelites to bring you some top-notch extra virgin olive oil, like the good stuff, for the lighting of the lamps. We want those flames to be burning non-stop, like always on. #litlamps
Aaron’s gotta keep that testimony flowing in the tabernacle, no hiding anything. He’s gotta do it from evening ’til morning, non-stop, always in the presence of the LORD. This rule’s gonna last for generations, no changing it, ever.
He’s gonna make sure the lights are always on fleek on that lit candle holder in front of the LORD.
And you’re gonna grab some fancy flour and bake twelve cakes with it. Each cake will have two tenths of a deal in it.
And you’re gonna lay them out in two rows, with six in each row, on the clean table in front of the LORD.
And you gotta sprinkle some dope frankincense on each row, so it’s all lit on the bread as a commemoration, like a sick offering to the LORD.
Every weekend he’s gotta make sure it’s all good in front of the LORD, no breaks, like forever, ’cause it’s a promise to the children of Israel.
So, like, this food is totally for Aaron and his sons. They gotta eat it in the super holy place ’cause it’s like the most holy thing ever. It’s one of those offerings that the LORD made with fire, and it’s like a forever rule.
So there was this dude, right, whose mom was from Israel, but his dad was Egyptian. He hangs out with the Israelites and starts beefing with another Israelite guy in the camp.
So, this Israelite dude straight up started dissing the name of the LORD and hurling curses left and right. People were like, ‘Nah, we can’t let this slide,’ and took him to Moses for some serious talk. Oh, by the way, this dude’s mom’s name is Shelomith and she’s from the tribe of Dan, in case you were wondering.
So they kept him in custody, to understand what the LORD wanted to reveal.
So, God starts talking to Moses, like, for real,
Drag that person who cursed outside the hangout spot, and have everyone who witnessed it put their hands on their head, and then have the whole squad throw rocks at them.
Yo, listen up, Israel fam. Check it, if anyone disses our God, they gotta own up to their own mess.
If someone disrespects the name of the LORD, they’re gonna face serious consequences. The whole crew’s gonna come together and stone ’em, whether they’re a local or an outsider. Non-negotiable, disrespecting the LORD’s name leads to death.
If someone takes another person’s life, they will definitely face the consequences and be given the death penalty.
If someone kills an animal, they gotta make restitution, giving up another animal in return. It’s a life for a life.
So if someone messes up their friend’s vibe, they gotta experience the same mess in return.
If someone wrongs you, get back at them in a fair and equivalent way. Just like they messed with someone, they should be messed with in return.
If someone takes the life of an animal, they must make restitution for it; but if someone takes the life of a human, they will face the penalty of death.
You all gotta follow the same set of rules, whether you’re from outta town or born and raised here. ‘Cause I’m the LORD your God, and that’s how we roll.
So Moses was like, yo guys, we gotta drag out this dude who was straight-up cursing and stone him with some serious rocks outside the camp. And the Israelite peeps were like, word, we’ll do just what the LORD told Moses.

Leviticus 25

So, like, God was totally vibing with Moses up on Mount Sinai, dropping some major truth bombs, you know?
Yo, listen up, fam! God’s got a message for the Israelites. When you finally reach the land He’s hooking you up with, that place needs to chill and give the Lord a day off. #Respect
You gotta grind on the land and take care of your crops for six solid years to score a dope harvest.
But yo, on the seventh year, it’s time to let the land vibe out, a chill day dedicated to the LORD. No planting or pruning allowed, just let nature do its thing.
No harvesting crops that pop up on their own, and no picking unripe grapes. Let the land take a breather, let everything grow naturally.
On the chill day, you can munch on whatever the land serves up. It’s all good for you, your crew, and even the homies who work for you.
And the animals and critters get to chow down too, enjoying the bounty of the land.
So, like, count seven cycles of seven years, totaling forty-nine years. It’s like a vibe cycle, you feel me?
Yo, on the tenth of the seventh month, when it’s time to atone, blast that epic trumpet sound all over. It’s gonna be lit!
Yo, peep this! The fiftieth year is gonna be off the charts! It’s all about being holy and throwing down a major celebration. Spread the word that everyone’s free to do their thing. It’s a total reunion with the fam. How awesome is that?
That fiftieth year is gonna be a total vibe. Take a break from planting and harvesting, let the land chillax, and let the grapes grow wild.
Yo, it’s jubilee time, fam! A lit and holy vibe. Feast on the bountiful harvest straight from the fields. No cap!
When the celebration year hits, everyone’s gotta reclaim what’s rightfully theirs.
And if you’re buying or selling to your homie, keep it fair and square.
Yo, when you’re trading with your neighbor post-jubilee, consider the years they’ve held onto stuff. It’s all about fairness, you know?
The longer it’s been around, the more it’s worth. Price it based on its remaining good years.
So, like, be cool with each other, okay? Respect God and keep it real, because I’m the LORD, your God, you dig?
Stick to my rules, live by ’em, and you’ll chill in this land.
The earth will hook you up with mad bounty, and you’ll feast on your faves, living safely.
And if you’re wondering what to grub on in the seventh year, don’t stress:
Yo, I got a major blessing coming your way in year six, keeping the good vibes rolling for three years!
Plant crops in year eight, and feast on last year’s harvest until the new stuff comes in.
The land’s off-limits for sale forever; it’s all mine. Just a reminder, you’re like visitors hanging out with me.
And make sure you give back the land you own, okay?
If your bro’s strapped for cash and sells stuff, help him out, man. Make sure he gets it back.
If he’s on his own, he’s gotta handle it solo.
If someone makes extra profit after selling, they gotta give it back, respecting the buyer.
If they can’t, it stays with the buyer until jubilee, when it’s released.
If a house in a walled city is sold, there’s a year to buy it back.
If not, it’s theirs forever, not released during jubilee.
Villages without walls are like fields; you can buy and celebrate jubilee.
Levites can buy back their cities and houses whenever.
If someone buys from a Levite, it’s returned in jubilee.
But they can’t sell the land around their cities; it’s forever theirs.
Help out your bro, even if they’re strangers. Empower them, lift them up.
Don’t charge interest or profit; respect God so your bro can thrive.
No interest when you loan cash, no profit when you lend food.
I’m the ultimate big boss who saved you, so respect.
Treat your bro who sells himself to you like a homie, not a servant.
They’re with you until jubilee like part-time workers.
Then they bounce back to their fam, inheriting legacies.
They’re my squad, not slaves. No way I’m about that.
Respect God, not control others.
You can have servants from other nations.
Cool kids from other countries are your squad too.
Pass them down, but treat Israelites right.
If a foreigner buys your bro, there’s a chance to buy them back.
His family can buy him back within the year.
If not, calculate the price based on years until jubilee.
Pay up to buy back his freedom.
Pay the original price if there’s many years left.
Pay the remaining value if jubilee’s near.
Treat them like part-time workers, not slaves.
If not freed, they’re released during jubilee.
Israel’s my squad, rescued from Egypt. I’m the big boss here, the LORD, your God.

Leviticus 26

Yo, don’t be crafting any idols or statues, not even in your headspace. Keep your vibe clean from setting up some fancy stone image in your territory, and for real, don’t be bowing down to it. I’m the LORD your God, so just chill and show some respect.
Remember to keep my sabbaths on point and show some love to my sanctuary. I’m the LORD, no cap.
If you’re down to follow my vibe, obey my commands, and actually put in the work;
I’m gonna bless you big time! The rain’s gonna fall when it should, the land’s gonna pop with crops, and the trees in the fields are gonna be fruit factories, dude!
Your hustle’s gonna be next level, going from one lit harvest to the next, and planting time will smoothly roll into harvest time. You’ll be feasting on your bread until you’re straight up stuffed, chilling in your land with mad security.
I got your back, fam! Peace will be the name of the game in the land, and you can vibe without anyone making you jump out of your kicks. Plus, I’m booting those wild beasts outta here, so you won’t have to worry about any swords messing with the vibe in your hood. Trust me, it’s gonna be lit!
You’ll totally own your haters, like, you’ll chase them down and they’ll straight up get schooled by your sword skills.
Like, seriously, a squad of five will go after a hundred, and a hundred of you will totally handle ten thousand in battle. Your enemies will just, like, totally get served by your swords, no doubt.
‘Cause I got your back, helping you thrive, letting your crew grow, and sealing the deal with you.
And y’all can vibe on the old school stuff, mixing it up with the fresh and trendy.
I’ll totally set up my hangout spot right in your midst: and trust me, I won’t even be remotely disgusted by you.
I’ll be vibing with y’all, being your God, and you’ll be my squad.
I’m the LORD your God, the one who busted you outta Egypt so you wouldn’t be slaves anymore. I’ve crushed your chains and made you walk tall.
But, like, if you don’t vibe with me and straight up diss these rules;
And if you’re like, totally not feeling my judgments, and you’re like, ‘Nah, I’m not down with all your commandments,’ and you end up breaking my deal…
I’mma bring some serious chaos your way, like straight up terror, sickness, and fever that’s gonna mess with your vision and make your hearts heavy with sadness. And when you try to plant your crops, it’s gonna be a total flop ’cause your enemies gonna swoop in and eat ’em all.
And I’ll be totally against you, so you’re like, totally doomed to be defeated by your enemies. The people who can’t stand you will totally be running the show, and you’ll be freaking out and running away when there’s actually no one chasing you.
And if you still refuse to vibe with me, then I’m gonna have to dish out seven times the consequences for your mistakes.
And I’ll totally deflate your ego and make your dreams feel impossible, while your world feels like solid metal and your surroundings become as hard as shiny brass:
And all the hustle you put in will be for nothing: ’cause your land won’t produce any crops, and the trees won’t bear any fruits.
But if you like, totally go against me and ignore what I’m saying, then brace yourself for some major consequences. I’m talking about seven times the amount of troubles coming your way, straight up karma for all the wrong things you’ve done.
I’m gonna let loose some savage creatures on you, who will snatch away your lil’ ones, wreck your livestock, and seriously thin out your crew. Your usual paths are gonna be deserted.
And if you don’t wanna get your act together despite everything I’ve been tryna teach you, but instead insist on going against me;
If you keep messing up, I’ll definitely come at you with consequences, like, seven times worse for all your wrongdoings.
And I’ll bring in some serious heat that’ll totally take revenge on all the drama going against our agreement. Once you all gather up in your cities, I’ll send some major sickness vibes your way, and you’ll end up being handed over to your enemies.
And when your bread stash runs out, there will be a squad of ten ladies baking your bread in a super-oven. They’ll even measure it out for you! But guess what? You’ll chow down on it, and you still won’t be full. Like, seriously, can’t even get satisfied.
If you straight up don’t listen to me after all this, but instead choose to go against what I’m saying;
I’ll totally be ticked off and give you a taste of my discipline if you keep going against me. Like, for real, I’ll make sure you pay for your wrongs seven times over.
And you’ll chow down on your sons’ and daughters’ flesh.
And I’m gonna wreck your fancy hangouts, demolish your statues, and throw your lifeless bodies on top of your worthless idols. Gotta say, my soul’s gonna totally despise you.
And I’m gonna totally trash your cities, leave your holy places in ruins, and I won’t even appreciate the sweet smells you’re offering.
And I’m gonna make the land all empty and abandoned, and the peeps who have beef with you are gonna be super shook when they see it.
I’m gonna like totally disperse you among all these people who aren’t down with our beliefs, and I’ll send this sword-wielding trouble your way. Your homeland will be a ghost town and your cities will be ruins.
Once the land is left deserted and you guys are stuck in your enemies’ territory, that’s when the land can finally have some downtime and chill out, enjoying its sabbaths.
While it’s all abandoned, it’ll chill out and recharge because it never took a break during your chill days when you were living there.
For those of you who survive, I’m gonna make your enemies so freakin’ scared that they get weak in the knees. Just the sound of a leaf rustling will make ’em run like they’re being chased by a sword. And even when no one’s after ’em, they’ll stumble and fall.
And they’ll start tripping over each other, like, out of nowhere, man… And you won’t stand a chance against your enemies, no matter how hard you try.
And like, you’re totally gonna get wiped out by the non-believers, and your enemies are gonna totally devour your land.
And those of you who survive will suffer the consequences of your wrongdoing in the territories of your enemies; just like your ancestors, you will also bear the burden of their past wrongdoings.
If they own up to their wrongs, even the ones their ancestors pulled, and admit how they’ve messed up and rebelled against me;
So, like, I was totally against them and sent them packing to their enemies’ turf. But if they’re down to humble themselves and own their mistakes, then I’m cool with dishing out some fair consequences for their actions.
I’ll for sure keep in mind the promises I made to Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham, and I won’t forget about the land I promised them, no doubt!
Yo, the land’s gonna get some downtime while they bounce and observe her sabbaths without them. They gotta face the music for disrespecting my laws and hating on my commandments.
Even if they end up in enemy territory, I won’t bail on them or hate on them so much that I wipe them out and break my promise with them. ‘Cause I’m still the LORD their God.
But hey, I’m all about showing love to their ancestors, whom I rolled out of Egypt in front of all those other nations, just so I could be their God. I’m the LORD, no doubt.
Here’s the deal: These are the rules and regs the LORD set straight on Mount Sinai through Moses, for the children of Israel.

Leviticus 27

So, like, God was all, “Moses, listen up!”
“Hey, Israel crew! If someone makes a super specific promise to the big man upstairs, they gotta be all in, dedicated to the LORD, and you gotta figure out their worth, ya know?”
“And for the dudes between 20 and 60, they’re valued at 50 silver shekels, like the ones we use at the holy place.”
“Now, for the ladies, it’s 30 shekels, straight up.”
“If they’re between 5 and 20, dudes are worth 20 shekels, and girls are 10 shekels, no cap.”
“For the little ones between 1 month and 5 years, guys are 5 silver shekels and girls are 3.”
“If a dude is 60 or older, he’s worth 15 shekels; for the ladies, it’s 10 shekels.”
“But if he’s not as loaded as you thought, he’s gotta see the priest for an evaluation. The priest will set a value based on what he can really afford.”
“When it comes to animals offered to the LORD, whatever’s given is sacred, no trading up or down.”
“And if they swap, both the animal and the swap are holy.”
“If it’s an unclean animal, bring it to the priest. He’ll assess its worth, no matter what.”
“The priest’s call is the final word on value, whether it’s top-notch or so-so.”
“And if they wanna buy it back, tack on an extra 20%.”
“When someone sanctifies their crib for the Lord, the priest comes to check it out. Whatever the priest says, goes.”
“To buy back the house, it’s an extra fifth of the appraised value.”
“If someone dedicates land to the LORD, its value’s based on its yield. Like, if it can produce a homer of barley, it’s 50 shekels.”
“If it’s set apart until the year of celebration, it stays untouched.”
“But if it’s after the jubilee, the priest does the math based on the remaining years.”
“To buy it back, add 20%.”
“Once it’s sold after the jubilee, it’s a done deal.”
“In the jubilee, it’s all about the LORD; the priest’s got it.”
“If someone dedicates purchased land, it’s the priest’s call until the jubilee.”
“The priest calculates your worth until the jubilee, then it’s for the LORD.”
“In the jubilee, it goes back to the original owner.”
“All values are in sacred shekels, 20 gerahs to a shekel.”
“No dedicating firstborn animals; they belong to the LORD.”
“Nasty animals gotta be bought back or sold for their worth plus 20%.”
“Anything dedicated to the LORD can’t be sold or bought back; it’s all about the big guy.”
“Anyone devoted can’t be bought back; they’re toast.”
“All tithes from the land, seeds, or fruit belong to the LORD.”
“To redeem tithes, add 20%.”
“Tenth of your animals goes to the LORD, all sacred.”
“No take-backsies on tithes; once it’s done, it’s done.”
“These are the rules straight from the LORD to Moses up on Sinai, for the Israel crew.”