Judges - Gen Z Bible

Judges 1

Alright, so Joshua bounced, and the Israelite crew was like, ‘Hey, Big Man upstairs, who’s gonna lead us in taking on the Canaanites, huh?’
God was like, ‘Listen up, Judah’s gonna step up. I’ve already set him up for success over the land.’
Then Judah was like, ‘Hey, Simeon, let’s link up and handle those Canaanites in my hood. And when it’s your turn, I got your back, bro.’ So Simeon was like, ‘Bet, I’m in.’ And they rolled out together.
So Judah got in the mix, and with some divine help, they straight up crushed the Canaanites and Perizzites. They took down a cool ten thousand dudes in Bezek!
Then they hunted down this dude Adonibezek in Bezek, and it was on. And guess what? They cleaned house on those Canaanites and Perizzites!
Adonibezek bolted, but they were on his tail, nabbing him and giving him a real “whoopsie” by slicing off his thumbs and big toes.
Adonibezek was all, “Dudes, I had like 70 kings crawling to me without thumbs and toes, begging for scraps under my table. And you know what? God totally served me justice.” They dragged him to Jerusalem, where he met his end.
So, the Judah crew was straight-up battling Jerusalem, and they actually took the city, laying it to waste with swords and setting it ablaze.
Then the Judah squad decided to head south and take on the Canaanites chillin’ in the mountains and lowlands.
Judah went all in against those Canaanites in Hebron, used to be called Kirjatharba, ya feel? And they totally wiped out Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai.
So, he rolls up to the crew in Debir, which was once known as Kirjathsepher:
And Caleb’s all, “Yo, whoever takes down Kirjathsepher and snags it, I’ll totally set you up with my daughter Achsah.”
Then, Othniel, Caleb’s homie, steps up, claims it, and scores Achsah as his girl. Easy peasy.
Later, when Achsah arrives, she convinces Othniel to hit up her pops for some real estate. So, she hops off her ride, and Caleb’s like, “What’s good?”
Achsah’s like, “Dad, bless me up! You already came through with land down south. How ’bout some water too?” Caleb’s all, “Gotchu fam,” and hooks her up with both the fancy springs and the basic springs.
Yo, the Kenite crew, who’s like Moses’ fam by marriage, bounced from the city with all those chill palm trees. They linked up with the Judah squad, heading into the wild desert down south near Arad. And they all vibed together with the locals, ya feel?
So Judah and Simeon rolled deep, and they straight-up wiped out the Canaanites in Zephath. They totally wrecked that city, and it got renamed Hormah after that.
Judah totally owned Gaza and all the spots nearby, like Askelon and Ekron, and their hood.
And God was totally vibing with Judah, backing them up as they dominated the folks in the mountains. But they couldn’t fully kick out the valley crew ’cause they were rolling with some sick iron chariots. Like, unbeatable, you know?
They passed Hebron to Caleb, just like Moses said, and he straight-up ousted those three Anakite dudes from there.
Alright, so, the crew from Benjamin didn’t boot out the Jebusites kickin’ it in Jerusalem. They were like, ‘Let’s share this city, fam.’ And get this, they’re still coexisting in Jerusalem to this day, keeping it real!
And yo, Joseph’s squad was all like, ‘Yo, let’s hit up Bethel.’ And guess what? The LORD was totally vibin’ with them, had their backs and all.
So, Joseph’s crew rolled up to Bethel, which back in the day was called Luz.
Then these spies spot this dude comin’ outta the city, and they’re like, ‘Yo, can you show us the way in? We’ll hook you up with some mercy.’
So, he guides them in, and they straight-up go swords-out on the city, but they spare the dude and his whole fam.
And then this dude dips to Hittite turf, starts a new town, and names it Luz. And that name stuck around till now. Pretty dope, right?
So, Manasseh didn’t boot out the homies living in places like Bethshean, Taanach, Dor, Ibleam, and Megiddo. Instead, the Canaanites were like, ‘We’re cool staying put, thanks.’
So, like, when Israel was flexing its power, they were all, ‘Yo, Canaanites, time to pay up,’ instead of straight up kicking them out.
Ephraim totally dropped the ball on clearing out those Canaanites from Gezer. Like, they didn’t even bother! So, what happened? The Canaanites just vibed in Gezer, chilling right alongside them. Big oof.
Zebulun totally didn’t hustle to clear out the homies from Kitron or Nahalol. The Canaanites just hung out with them and started paying them tribute, you feel me?
Asher didn’t fully clear out the squad in Accho, Zidon, Ahlab, Achzib, Helbah, Aphik, or Rehob:
So, like, the Asherites were just chilling with the Canaanites, you know, the locals. Instead of kicking them out, they were just coexisting and stuff.
So basically, Naphtali didn’t fully clear out the crew from Bethshemesh and Bethanath. Instead, they just kinda hung out with the Canaanites who were already there. But yo, the folks from Bethshemesh and Bethanath ended up having to pay up to them. #CantBeatEmJoinEm
The Amorites straight up blocked the children of Dan from coming down into the valley, putting pressure on them to stay up in the mountains.
But, like, the Amorites were posted up in mount Heres in Aijalon and Shaalbim, you know? But the house of Joseph was straight up strong and overpowering, so the Amorites ended up becoming their peeps, kinda serving them and stuff.
The Amorites had control over the area from Akrabbim and the rocky terrain, all the way up.

Judges 2

Aight, so this angel straight up cruised from Gilgal to Bochim and dropped this knowledge: “I’m the one who busted you outta Egypt and brought you to the land your ancestors were promised. And just so you know, I’m never gonna ghost on my promise to you.”
And peeps, don’t even think about buddying up with the locals here. Smash their altars like I told you to, but nah, you had to go and do your own thing. Like, what were you even thinking?
So, I’m not gonna straight-up boot them out in front of y’all, but they’re gonna be like those annoying pebbles in your kicks, and their gods? Yeah, they’re gonna trip you up, man.
Yo, peeps, check it out. So, like, this angel from the big man upstairs straight up started talking to all the Israelite squad, right? And when they heard what the angel had to say, the whole crew got mad emotional and started crying. It was a real moment, fam.
So they named that place Bochim, which means ‘Weepers,’ and they offered sacrifices to the LORD there.
So, like, after Joshua told the squad they could bounce, all the Israelites went to claim their inheritance and take over the land, you know?
So, like, the squad was totally down for the LORD throughout Joshua’s whole reign and even after when the OG elders were still in the game. These legends had actually witnessed all the epic stuff the LORD pulled off for Israel. Like, mad respect.
And Joshua, the son of Nun, who served the LORD, passed away at the age of one hundred and ten.
So they laid him to rest in the outskirts of his land in Timnathheres, up in the mountains of Ephraim, on the chill north side of the awesome Gaash hill.
And then all those old heads passed away and went to join their ancestors. And a new generation came after them, who were clueless about the LORD and had no idea about the epic stuff He did for Israel.
Yo, check it, the Israelites straight up messed with the wrong vibe and got on God’s bad side. They started vibing with other gods, like Baalim and all that jazz, not cool, man.
But they totally ghosted the LORD God of their fam who totally saved them from Egypt, and started vibing with other gods from the locals. They were all about those other gods, giving them mad respect, and that got the LORD seriously ticked off.
And they bounced on God, started vibing with Baal and Ashtaroth. SMH.
The LORD was mega cheesed at Israel and let them get wrecked by haters who totally messed them up. Then, He handed them over to their enemies from all sides, until they couldn’t even clap back anymore.
Everywhere they went, things went south for them, just like the LORD said and promised. They were majorly stressed.
But then the LORD was like, ‘I got your back, fam,’ and raised up these judges who totally saved them from those who were wrecking them. (Saved means, like, saved, you dig?)
But they totally dissed their judges, totally hooked on other gods and worshipped them. They ditched the righteous path their ancestors were on, disobeying the LORD’s rules, and it was not cool.
So, when God brought in the judges, He had their backs and saved them from their enemies the whole time they were leading. It’s ’cause God felt real bad for them, you know? They were super bummed and oppressed, and it hit God right in the feels.
So after the judge peaced out, they went back to their old ways and took it even further with the whole god-worshiping scene, doing all that bowing down stuff. They just couldn’t stop themselves from being rebellious and sticking to their stubborn ways.
God was seriously ticked at Israel, like, super mad. He was all like, ‘These people totally broke the promise I made with their ancestors, man, and they didn’t even bother to listen to me, dude.’
I ain’t gonna boot anyone from the nations that Joshua didn’t fully clear out before he bounced, ya know?
So I can test these peeps and see if they’ll stick to the Lord’s vibe like their ancestors did, or not. You feel?
So God let those nations chill there, instead of giving them the boot right away or handing them over to Joshua.

Judges 3

So, like, the LORD left some nations hanging around as a test for Israel, you feel? It was for those who didn’t witness all the Canaan warfare vibes and stuff.
Just so the young ones in Israel could level up their wisdom in warfare, in case they were clueless before, ya know?
So, there were these five big shot Philistine leaders, plus all the Canaanites, Sidonians, and Hivites chilling in the Lebanon mountains, from Mount Baalhermon down to Hamath’s doorstep.
They were testing Israel, seeing if they’d actually follow the LORD’s commands, the same ones Moses dropped on their ancestors.
So the Israel squad was vibing among Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, just doing their thing.
And they were mingling, even swapping daughters and sons for marriage, while sliding into worshipping other gods.
But, oops, Israel went off track, forgetting about God, and got all cozy with Baalim, hanging out in groves and such.
So, God was like, “Nah, not cool,” and let this Chushanrishathaim dude, king of Mesopotamia, take over. Israel served him for a solid eight years. (BTW, Mesopotamia is Aramnaharaim in Hebrew, FYI)
When Israel hit rock bottom and cried out to the LORD, guess what? He sent them a hero, Othniel, Caleb’s bro, to save the day. Pretty slick, huh?
Then the LORD’s power took over Othniel, who became the boss, judging Israel and getting into battles. And guess what? He handed Chushanrishathaim’s butt to him on a platter. #Victory
Forty years later, things chilled out. Sadly, Othniel, Kenaz’s kid, passed away.
But then Israel messed up again big time, and God was not amused. He made King Eglon of Moab swole just ’cause Israel kept messing up, ticking God off.
Eglon, along with Ammon and Amalek, straight-up attacked Israel, taking over the city with those awesome palm trees.
So, Israel was under Eglon’s rule, the Moab king, for a long 18 years. Can you even imagine? 🤯
When Israel hit the struggle bus and wanted some divine help, they called out to the LORD. And guess what? He sent this dude Ehud, a southpaw from Benjamin. The Israelites sent him with a gift to Eglon, king of Moab, as a thank-you. Oh, and FYI, Benjamite means he’s from the Benjamin crew, and ‘left-handed’ means, well, he was a lefty, naturally.
So, like, Ehud was all about crafting this epic dagger, right? It had two sharp edges, and it was about a cubit long. And get this, he totally stashed it under his threads, right on his right thigh!
So he hands this rad gift to Eglon, the Moab king, who was, like, pretty hefty.
After delivering the goods, he’s like, “Catch ya later” to the crew.
But then he ditches his entourage near Gilgal and whispers to the king, “Yo, I got some super secret stuff to spill.” And the king’s like, “Shh, keep it low-key.” So they bounce, leaving everyone else in the dust.
Ehud rolls up on him, finding him chilling in some VIP summer spot. He’s like, “Yo, got a message from the Big Guy for you.” And the king’s like, “Say no more,” getting up from his throne.
Flexing his left hand, Ehud swipes the dagger from his right thigh and plunges it straight into the king’s gut.
The blade goes in, handle and all, and the fat closes over it, trapping it in his belly, and his guts spill out.
Ehud bolts, slams the door shut, and locks it tight.
His peeps come back, see the locked door, and are like, “Oh, he’s just doing his business in his fancy hangout.”
They wait forever, but nobody opens up. So they grab a key, unlock the door, only to find their boss face-planted on the floor, dead.
Ehud’s long gone while they’re twiddling their thumbs, slips past their worksite, and makes a getaway to Seirath.
When he gets there, he busts out a sick trumpet solo on Mount Ephraim, and all the Israelite crew follows him down, him leading like a total boss.
He’s like, “Come on, fam, the Big Guy totally handed us victory over the Moabites.” And they’re like, “Bet!” So they roll with him, blocking the Jordan River so Moabites can’t pass.
They straight-up wreck Moab, taking out like ten thousand ripped warriors. Not a single one survives.
Moab gets trashed by Israel that day. And things stay chill for a solid eighty years.
Then there’s Shamgar, Anath’s kid, who straight-up owns 600 Philistines with just an ox goad. Total legend, saving Israel like a boss.

Judges 4

So, like, when Ehud bounced, the Israelites went back to their lame ways, and that was a major letdown for God.
God was like, ‘Seriously, guys? You messed up big time!’ and let this dude Jabin, king of Canaan, take over. He had this army head honcho named Sisera, chilling in Harosheth, a non-Israelite hotspot.
The Israelites were like, ‘God, help us out, like, now! This dude’s got, like, 900 iron chariots and ruled us for a whopping 20 years!’
Check it, Deborah was not your average chick. She was a legit prophetess, married to Lapidoth, and basically ran the show in Israel, calling the shots and keeping everyone in line.
Deborah was posted up under a sick palm tree, between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim. And get this, all of Israel would come to her for some real talk and wisdom.
She hit up Barak, Abinoam’s son from Kedeshnaphtali, like, ‘Yo, didn’t the LORD God of Israel tell you to hit up mount Tabor? Grab ten thousand peeps from Naphtali and Zebulun and roll out.’
‘I’ll lure Sisera, Jabin’s army big shot, with his chariots, to the river Kishon. Then, I’ll hand him over to you, no sweat.’
Barak was like, ‘I’m down if you’re down. If you’re not, then I’m out.’
She’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m in, but just so you know, the LORD’s gonna hand Sisera over to a woman. So, let’s do this.’ And Deborah and Barak headed to Kedesh.
Barak hit up Zebulun and Naphtali, and they all mobbed to Kedesh with a crew of ten thousand, with Deborah right there.
Heber, a Kenite and Moses’ in-law, dipped from his squad and pitched his tent near the plain of Zaanaim, close to Kedesh.
So, like, they gave Sisera the scoop that Barak, Abinoam’s son, was posted up at Mount Tabor.
Sisera rounded up all his sick chariots, like, nine hundred iron chariots, and his crew from Harosheth of the Gentiles all the way to the river Kishon. They were geared up and ready to roll, you feel?
Deborah was all like, “Hey Barak, rise and shine! Today’s the day the Big Guy upstairs hands you the win against Sisera. He’s got your back, you feel me?” So Barak rolled down from mount Tabor with his squad of ten thousand.
And then, bam! The LORD totally laid the smackdown on Sisera and his crew, slicing them up with His mighty sword right in front of Barak. Sisera had to ditch his ride and bolt on foot, man.
But Barak wasn’t letting up. He chased those chariots and their crew all the way to Harosheth of the Gentiles. And guess what? Sisera’s whole army got wiped out by the sword, not a single one made it out alive. Zip. Zilch.
But check this, Sisera booked it on foot and made a beeline for Jael’s place. You know, Jael, married to Heber the Kenite? Yeah, they were cool with Jabin, the king of Hazor, and had a thing going.
So Jael was like, “Hey, come chill with me, no sweat.” And when he stepped into her tent, she hooked him up with a warm blanket.
Dude’s parched, right? So he’s like, “Can I get a sip of water?” So, she pops open a bottle of milk and hooks him up, making sure he’s comfy.
He’s like, “Just stand watch by the entrance, okay? If anyone asks about me, tell ’em I’m out.”
So Jael, wifey of Heber, grabs a tent peg and a hammer. She sneaks up on him while he’s catching Z’s, totally knocked out. With one solid whack, she nails him right in the temples, pinning him to the ground. And that was it, lights out.
And then, get this, Barak’s on the hunt for Sisera, right? And Jael’s like, “Hey, over here! I got your guy.” So he rolls up to her spot, and boom! Sisera’s lying there, nailed with a peg in his dome.
So, yeah, God totally served up Jabin, the king of Canaan, that day in front of the Israelite crew.
The Israelites straight-up owned Jabin, the king of Canaan. They were killing it and took him down until he was out for the count. #Winning

Judges 5

So, like, Deborah and Barak, Abinoam’s son, dropped some lit rhymes that day, you feel? They were all like, ‘Listen up, squad!’
OMG, let’s give major props to the LORD for totally coming through for Israel, ’cause the crew was like, ‘Yo, we’re all in,’ and they stepped up big time!
Hear me out, rulers and VIPs! I’m about to drop some bars for the LORD. I’m gonna spit praises to the LORD, the God of Israel.
Yo, God, when you bounced from Seir and flexed outta Edom’s hood, the whole earth was trembling like cray, and the sky was pouring like there’s no tomorrow, fam. Even the clouds were dripping mad water, yo!
Bro, the mountains straight-up melted when the LORD rolled through, dude. And even Mount Sinai, man, it was melting in front of the LORD God of Israel. It was like liquid vibes, you know?
Back in the day when Shamgar, Anath’s kid, and Jael were holding it down, the roads were empty and folks had to take those sneaky detours. Travelers had to navigate those tricky paths, you dig?
The vibe in the small towns was dead, man, they were just done in Israel, until your girl Deborah stepped up, yeah, you heard it right, I became the ultimate boss mom of Israel.
They started obsessing over these new gods, and guess what went down next? Total chaos, fam. I mean, did anyone even see a single shield or spear in that whole Israelite crew of forty thousand? Nah, man, they were too caught up in their new idol craze.
Major props to those dope leaders of Israel who stepped up without hesitation. Praise the LORD, y’all!
Hey, all you boujee folks cruising in your fancy rides, acting all high and mighty with your judgments, strutting your stuff on these streets.
Those who dodged arrows while grabbing water will be chatting about how God came through with some righteous moves in the towns of Israel. Then the squad of God’s people will gather at the gates to throw down in celebration of righteousness!
Yo, Deborah, rise and shine! Lay down some fire verses! And Barak, get up and handle your enemies, son of Abinoam.
Then the last dude got blessed with the power to rule over the popular ones: the LORD hooked me up with power over the strong.
Ephraim stepped up against Amalek; Benjamin, you were holding it down among your people. Machir brought in the leaders, and Zebulun came through with those skilled wordsmiths and scribes.
So, like, the Issachar crew were backing up Deborah, you feel? It was Issachar and Barak in the mix, but Barak had to hoof it down into the valley. Meanwhile, Reuben’s squad was deep in thought, pondering life. #hikinglife #deepthinkers
Why you kickin’ it with the sheep, listening to their baas? Reuben’s crew is dealing with some heavy stuff, for real.
Gilead was vibin’ on the other side of the Jordan, but why Dan still stuck on them ships, though? Asher just chillin’ by the beach, posted up in his fave spots.
Zebulun and Naphtali, straight-up fearless warriors on the battlefield. They ain’t scared of the risks, standing tall even when others doubting. #MadRespect
Bro, the kings came through and straight up duked it out. Canaan kings went head-to-head in Taanach by Megiddo’s water, but didn’t even cash in on it.
They went all out, flexing hard from the heavens; even the stars rolled up, getting in on that Sisera action.
Yo, the Kishon river came in clutch, washing away those foes. That OG river, the Kishon, straight-up crushed their power, man.
Like, okay, the horsehoofs got jacked up ’cause of their mighty ones’ intense prancing. They were trampling and plunging, it was insane.
Dang, Meroz, the angel of the LORD ain’t happy. They’re getting cursed big time ’cause they didn’t step up to help the LORD against the powerful forces, you feel?
Jael, Heber the Kenite’s wife, is like, super blessed, okay? She’s, like, the most blessed woman ever, especially among all the other ladies in the tent. It’s a big deal, for real!
He was all like, ‘Yo, can I get some water?’ And she was like, ‘Nah, bro, here’s some milk.’ And then she came through with that fancy butter in, like, a boss-level dish.
She grabbed a nail and a construction worker’s hammer and she totally nailed it! With one swing, she took down Sisera by hitting his head and piercing through his temples. Talk about a powerful strike!
He was totally simping for her, like, he literally worshipped the ground she walked on. He was all like, on his knees, head over heels, just bowing down to her. And then, boom, at that very spot where he bowed, he straight up dropped dead. Like gone, obliterated. It was intense.
Sisera’s mom peeped out the window and shouted through the blinds, like, why is his ride taking forever? What’s up with the slow wheels on his chariot?
Her squad of savvy homegirls were like, “Yasss, she got her own back and clapped back at herself.” Translation: She spoke truth, straight up.
Weren’t they balling out? Didn’t they divide the spoils, hooking each bro up with a few shorties? Sisera scored some wicked, rainbow-colored gear, with dope embroidery on both sides, totally fire for showing off. Like, seriously lit loot!
So, may all the haters fade into the background, Big Guy; but those who stick with you should shine like the sun flexing its power. And everything stayed chill in the hood for forty years. 🙏

Judges 6

Okay, peeps, let me tell ya what went down with the Israelites. They were totally slacking off, not vibing with what the LORD wanted. And guess what? The big guy upstairs was like, “Nah, you gotta learn your lesson,” and he let Midian take over for a solid seven years.
Midian was like the boss of Israel during that time. They had them hiding out in the mountains, caves, and forts just to stay safe. Those Midianites were flexing their muscles, you feel me?
So, when Israel finally got their act together and planted their crops, bam! The Midianites, Amalekites, and the crew from the east all ganged up on them out of the blue.
They set up shop and straight-up destroyed everything Israel had grown, all the way to Gaza. They left nothing behind, no food, no livestock—nada. (Not even goats.)
These guys rolled in with their animals and fancy tents, like they owned the place. There were so many of them, it was like a swarm of locusts. You couldn’t even count their camels, man. They were on a mission to wreck the whole land.
So, like, Israel was legit struggling because of those Midianites, and the Israelite squad was like, “Yo, LORD, we need some help here!”
Then, when the Israelites were totally done with the Midianites’ drama, they hit up the LORD and were all, “Come on, help us out!”
And the LORD was like, “Listen up, fam, I’m sending a prophet to Israel.” So this prophet rolls in and drops the message: “Check it, this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, has to say: I rescued you from Egypt and freed you from slavery.”
I mean, seriously, I saved you from those Egyptians and all those haters. I kicked them out and gave you their land, you feel me?
Look, I’ve been real with y’all, I’m the LORD your God. Don’t trip over those Amorite gods in your hood, for real. But let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly been vibing with what I’ve been saying.
So, this angel, like, dropped in from the big man upstairs, you know? Just kicked it under this oak tree in Ophrah, owned by this dude Joash, reppin’ the Abiezrite squad. Meanwhile, Joash’s son Gideon was out there, just vibin’, doing some wheat threshing near the winepress, low-key tryna keep it on the down-low from those Midianites. (BTW, Gideon’s OG name was Gedeon, just so you’re in the loop.) And he was all about making those Midianites bounce, you feel?
Then, outta nowhere, this angel pops up, like, ‘Hey, bro, God’s totally got your back, you’re, like, the ultimate hero of courage.’
And Gideon’s like, ‘Dude, seriously, if God’s got our back, why’s all this bad stuff going down? What happened to all those lit miracles our ancestors used to rave about, like when God led us outta Egypt? Feels like we got left high and dry, and the Midianites are just takin’ over.’
Then God peeps Gideon and drops, ‘Hey, go flex your power, man. You’re the chosen one to save Israel from those Midianites. Like, haven’t I hand-picked you for this gig?’
And Gideon’s like, ‘Bro, how am I supposed to save Israel? My fam’s strugglin’ in Manasseh, and I’m like the runt of the litter in my dad’s house. Seriously, we’re the underdogs of the underdogs.’
And God was all, ‘Don’t stress, fam, I got your back. You’re gonna totally wreck the Midianites, like, you’ll be a solo warrior, slayin’ ’em left and right.’
And he was like, ‘Yo, if we’re vibin’ and you’re for real talkin’ to me, give me a sign.’
Hold up, don’t dip just yet. Wait for me to come back with my offering, then we’ll kick it. And he was like, ‘I’ll be here chillin’ when you’re back.’
So Gideon whipped up a young goat and some unleavened cakes, stacked with flour. He packed the meat in a basket, broth in a pot, then rolled up to him under the oak tree and laid it out.
Then the angel of God was like, ‘Bro, grab the grub – the meat and those unleavened cakes. Set ’em on this rock and pour out the broth.’ And he was like, ‘Aight, bet.’ So he did it.
So, the angel of the LORD whipped out his staff and tapped it on the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Suddenly, fire burst out from the rock and devoured everything. And just like that, the angel vanished.
And when Gideon realized it was an angel from the LORD, he was like, ‘OMG, Lord GOD! I’m shook, I just saw an actual angel!’
And God was like, ‘Chill, dude! No need to stress, you’re not gonna die.’
So Gideon built this lit altar for the LORD and called it Jehovahshalom, which still stands in Ophrah with the Abiezrites. Jehovahshalom means, like, ‘The LORD sends peace,’ you feel?
That night, God was all, ‘Dude, go get your dad’s young bull, the one that’s like seven years old, and wreck the altar of Baal your dad set up. Also, chop down that grove thing next to it. Don’t forget, okay?’
A’ight fam, check it: Build a sick altar for the LORD your God right up on this rock, in a dope spot, ya know? Then, grab that second bullock and offer it up as a burnt sacrifice, using the wood from that grove you’re gonna chop down. (Oh, and btw, ‘rock’ in Hebrew is like ‘strong place,’ and ‘in the ordered place’ could mean ‘in an orderly manner,’ ya feel?)
So Gideon rounded up ten of his crew and followed the LORD’s instructions, just like He said. He kept it on the down-low, sneakin’ around at night, ’cause he was shook of his dad’s crew and the squad in town.
When the homies in the city woke up early the next morning, they saw that the altar of Baal got wrecked, and the grove next to it got chopped down. So they went ahead and sacrificed another bull on this fresh new altar they whipped up.
They were all like, “Yo, who’s behind this madness?” So they started asking around, and someone spilled the tea: “Bro, it was Gideon, Joash’s kid, who pulled this off.”
Then, the dudes in the city were straight up like, “Yo, Joash, bring out your son so we can deal with him!” ‘Cause, you know, he wrecked that altar of Baal and took down the grove next to it.
Joash was like, “Bruh, you really gonna ride for Baal? Seriously? Whoever’s still repping him, they’re gonna get served first thing in the AM. If he’s all that, let him come through and defend himself, ’cause someone straight-up wrecked his altar.
So, like, from that day on, he started calling him Jerubbaal, ’cause he straight-up tore down Baal’s altar. Jerubbaal’s like, “Let Baal deal with this mess.” Oh, and BTW, Jerubbesheth? That’s like saying, “Let the shameful thing handle it,” just so you know.
So, like, all the Midianites, Amalekites, and those kids from the east, they all linked up and set up camp in the valley of Jezreel.
But then, the LORD’s Spirit was totally vibing with Gideon, and he busts out this sick trumpet solo. And all his crew from Abiezer roll up to join him.
So, he hit up the squad in Manasseh, and they all pulled through; then he hit up the crew in Asher, Zebulun, and Naphtali, and they rolled through to link up with him.
Gideon was like, “Hey, God, if You’re really gonna come through for Israel like You said,”
“I’m gonna put this wool fleece on the ground. If it’s soaking with dew in the morning while the ground around it is dry, then I’ll know for sure You’re backing me up, just like You promised.”
So, he wakes up super early the next day, grabs that fleece, and wrings it out real tight, filling a whole bowl with dew. It was soaked, man.
Gideon’s like, “God, don’t be mad, but I gotta check one more thing. Let’s try this again with the wool. If the wool stays dry but the ground around it gets dewy, then we’ll be on the same page.”
And guess what? God comes through that night. The fleece is dry while the ground is all dewy.

Judges 7

Jerubbaal, aka Gideon, and his squad woke up hella early and set up camp near the sick well of Harod. The Midianite crew was posted up on the north side, by the lit hill of Moreh, in the valley.
God was like, ‘G, there’s way too many heads rolling with you for me to let them take down the Midianites. If I did, the Israelites would start boasting, saying, ‘I did this all solo!’
So, listen up, go tell the crew, if anyone’s feeling scared or tripping, they can bounce and peace out from Mount Gilead. And yo, 22,000 of them actually dipped, leaving only 10,000 left.
Then the LORD told Gideon, ‘Bro, there are way too many people here. Take them down to the water and I’ll run a test. Whoever I say can roll with you, they’re in. And whoever I say shouldn’t, they’re out.’
So he gathered everyone by the water, and the LORD was like, ‘Yo Gideon, peep this – anyone who laps the water like a dog, set them aside. And anyone who kneels down to drink, do the same.’
So, picture this: there were about 300 dudes who were casually sipping water by scooping it up with their hands, while everyone else was doing the whole kneeling-down thing to drink.
And then, boom, God drops a message on Gideon like, “I got your back, man. Those Midianites? They’re about to get served by those 300 water-sipping dudes. The rest can bounce.”
So, Gideon’s crew grabbed their snacks and their trumpets, and he dismissed the rest of Israel, saying, “Catch you later, y’all. We only rollin’ with these 300.” Meanwhile, the Midianites were just chilling in the valley.
Later that night, God hits up Gideon like, “Bro, time to make moves. Roll down to the enemy camp, ’cause they’re already waving the white flag thanks to me.”
But hey, if Gideon was feeling jittery about it, God was like, “No worries, man. Just bring your buddy Phurah along for moral support.”
So, Gideon’s just soaking in the vibes, catching what’s being thrown out there. And he’s feeling it, you know? Feeling the vibe to link up with the crew. So, he rolls with his homie Phurah to scope out the soldiers posted up with the crew.
Now, peep this: The Midianites, the Amalekites, and all those east side squad were posted in the valley, deep. Picture this: a swarm of grasshoppers, straight chillin’. And they had camels for days, I’m talking like the sand at the beach, endless.
When Gideon slides in, he catches this dude spilling the tea about his dream to his bro. He’s like, “Yo, listen up, I had this trippy dream. I saw this barley bread roll bust into the Midianite camp, straight up knocking one of their tents flat.”
And his bro’s like, “Dude, this is some Gideon vibes, you know? He’s this legend from Israel, and God’s got his back, man. He’s gonna wreck Midian and the whole crew.”
So, when Gideon hears about the dream and its meaning, he’s shook. He rolls back to the Israelite spot and drops this bombshell: “Get up and gear up, fam, ’cause the LORD’s serving the Midianites to us on a silver platter.” (Translation: Hebrew for ‘breaking’)
So, Gideon split his squad into three squads, each with, like, a hundred dudes. And he gave them each a trumpet and a lamp hidden in an empty jug, you know?
And he was like, “Check it, fam, just watch me and do what I do, straight up. When I bounce from the camp, y’all gotta roll with me and copy every move, no joke.”
“When I start blasting on this trumpet, me and the crew, y’all better join in, blasting your trumpets all around the camp. And make sure to shout, ‘It’s the Lord’s sword and Gideon’s crew!’”
So Gideon and his hundred homies pulled up to the camp outskirts, around midnight. The guards were just changing shifts, so they wasted no time. They whipped out their trumpets and smashed those jugs.
Then all three groups busted out their trumpets, broke their jugs, and held their flashlights in their left hands while blowing their trumpets with their right hands. And they yelled, ‘It’s time for the Lord and Gideon to show their swords!’
So, picture this: the crew was all posted up in their own spots around the camp. Suddenly, chaos erupted – everyone was straight-up running, screaming, and totally freaking out.
Then, these three hundred peeps busted out their trumpets, and bam, God had everyone duking it out, fighting against each other throughout the entire army. The enemy skedaddled, booking it to Bethshittah in Zererath, all the way to the border of Abelmeholah, and even to Tabbath.
The Israel squad, representing Naphtali, Asher, and all Manasseh, rallied up and chased down those Midianites.
Gideon was like, “Listen up, fam! We gotta take down these Midianites! Meet us at Bethbarah and Jordan, and let’s grab some water while we’re at it.” So, all the Ephraim crew showed up, and they hydrated at Bethbarah and Jordan, ready to roll.
They managed to nab two big-shot Midianite leaders, Oreb and Zeeb. Oreb got taken out on a rock named after him, and Zeeb got done in at the winepress called Zeeb. Then, they went after the rest of the Midianites and presented Gideon with the heads of Oreb and Zeeb, chilling on the other side of the Jordan river.

Judges 8

The Ephraim squad was like, “Bruh, why you gotta roll solo into the Midianite fight without giving us a heads-up? We’re low-key cheesed about it.”
And he’s all, “Yo, what’s the deal? My moves ain’t even on the same level as yours, you feel me? The drip from Ephraim’s grapes beats Abiezer’s harvest any day, trust.”
“God straight up served those Midianite princes, Oreb and Zeeb, on a platter for y’all. And like, what could I even do compared to that? They totally mellowed out when you showed up.”
So, Gideon and his squad of 300 were crossing the Jordan River. They were dead tired, but still flexing, chasing after those dudes.
“Yo, Succoth fam, can you toss some bread to the squad? They’re starving and I’m on the tail of Zebah and Zalmunna, the Midianite kings.”
So, like, the big shots in Succoth were all, ‘Yo, you even got those Zebah and Zalmunna guys, like, locked down? ‘Cause if not, we’re not gonna hook up your whole squad with bread, ya know?’
And Gideon was like, once the Big G helps me take down Zebah and Zalmunna, I’m gonna totally mess you up by scratching you with wild thorny bushes.
Then he hit up Penuel, and he gave them the same spiel. And the dudes at Penuel hit him back just like the Succoth crew did.
Next, he vibed with the Penuel dudes and was like, ‘Yo, when I come back all chill, I’m totally gonna tear down this tower.’
So Zebah and Zalmunna were kicking it in Karkor, with their whole crew of about 15k guys. They were the last ones standing from the massive eastern army, ’cause they straight up wiped out 120k sword-wielding warriors.
Gideon cruised up to the chill spot where the tent-dwelling crew of Nobah and Jogbehah were posted, and straight up wrecked their squad ’cause they were sleeping on their defenses.
And when Zebah and Zalmunna bounced, he went after them, nabbed the two kings of Midian, Zebah and Zalmunna, and totally spooked their entire crew.
So Gideon, Joash’s son, came back from the battle before sunrise,
So they grabbed this dude from a town called Succoth, and they asked him to spill the tea. And he spilled all the deets about the big shots and old heads of Succoth – a total of 67 dudes.
So he rolled up to the guys in Succoth and was like, ‘Yo, check it out, Zebah and Zalmunna, the dudes you were all hating on me about, asking if I actually got my hands on them. Now, can you hook up my tired homies with some bread or what?’
So, dude gathered up the OGs from the block, and some wild thorny plants, and dropped some knowledge on the crew in Succoth.
Then he straight up wrecked the tower of Penuel, and wiped out all the guys in the city.
After that, he was like, “Yo, Zebah and Zalmunna, what’s the deal with the guys you offed at Tabor?” And they were like, “Bro, they were like royalty, all swagged out.”
And he was like, “Nah man, they were my crew, my blood. For real, if you hadn’t taken them out, we wouldn’t be having this convo.”
So he’s like, “Jether, bro, go handle them.” But Jether, being young and all, didn’t whip out his sword ’cause he was kinda shook, you know, being a rookie and all.
Zebah and Zalmunna were all like, ‘Bring it on, bro!’ thinking Gideon was just about his looks. But Gideon wasn’t about to back down – he straight-up owned Zebah and Zalmunna, even scoring some sick loot from their camel stash!
So the Israel crew were like, ‘Gideon, dude, you should totally lead us, your kid, and even your grandkid. You totally saved us from those Midianite peeps, man.’
But Gideon was like, ‘Nah fam, ruling ain’t my vibe, and neither for my future fam. God’s the real boss, ya dig?’
So Gideon’s like, ‘Hey, my squad, got a lil’ favor to ask. Can y’all slide me those earrings you grabbed from the opps? (Them Ishmaelites were all about that drip.)’
And they’re like, ‘For sure, we got you.’ So they throw together a stash in a hoodie, and everyone pitches in their rad earrings.
So, like, Gideon was all about those gold earrings, you know? They were like, seriously hefty, weighing in at a whopping one thousand seven hundred shekels. And that’s not even mentioning the other rad stuff the Midianite kings were flaunting – I’m talking about the slick accessories, the fancy necklaces, and those dope purple threads they were rocking. Oh, and let’s not overlook those sick chains adorning their camels’ necks. Those dudes were straight-up bling masters.
Then Gideon was like, “Yo, let’s make this epic ephod thingy!” So he hooks it up in his hometown, Ophrah. And wouldn’t you know it, all of Israel got totally hooked on it, like majorly distracted. But, like, this ended up causing some serious drama for Gideon and his crew.
Midian got totally wrecked by the Israelites, right? After that beatdown, they knew better than to mess with them again. So the whole scene was pretty chill for, like, a solid forty years while Gideon was holding down the fort.
Then Jerubbaal, Joash’s son, was like, “I’m outta here,” and dipped to his own pad.
And check this – Gideon was straight-up prolific, with a grand total of seventy sons. And get this, they were all from different moms because Gideon was living that multiple wives life. (FYI: “going out of his thigh” is just a fancy way of saying biological offspring.)
So, there’s this dude who had a side piece in Shechem, and she had his kid, and he named the little one Abimelech.
Then, Gideon, Joash’s kid, passed away at a super old age and got laid to rest in his dad’s tomb in Ophrah of the Abiezrites.
After Gideon bit the dust, the Israelites totally reverted to their old habits and started bowing down to Baalim, like they were desperate for clout. They even made Baalberith their main squeeze.
But the Israel crew straight up ghosted the LORD their God, who totally came through for them when their enemies were closing in from all sides. Seriously, guys, remember your blessings!
They didn’t even give props to Gideon, aka Jerubbaal, for all the amazing stuff he did for Israel. Despite his epic deeds, they didn’t show him any love or respect.

Judges 9

So Abimelech, Jerubbaal’s kid, slid over to Shechem to chill with his fam and vibe with his mom’s side. He was all like,
“A’ight, peeps of Shechem, lemme drop this on ya: Would you rather have 70 sons of Jerubbaal bossing you or just one? Remember, we fam too. Think about it, fam.”
His mom’s crew started spreading the word in Shechem, saying stuff that got everyone nodding to Abimelech’s beat. They were like, “Yo, he’s fam. Gotta back him.”
So they tossed him 70 silver coins from the house of Baalberith, and Abimelech used it to hire a squad of slackers and wild ones to roll with him.
Then he jetted to his old man’s turf in Ophrah and wiped out all seventy of his bros, Jerubbaal’s sons, on one slab. But the youngest, Jotham, dipped and survived like a ninja.
So, all the crew from Shechem and the Millo fam linked up and rolled to crown Abimelech as king, chillin’ by the spot near the pillar in Shechem, where this old-school oak tree stood.
When they spilled the tea to Jotham about what went down, he straight up hiked to the peak of mount Gerizim, raised his voice, and hollered, saying, ‘Yo, Shechem squad! If you wanna vibe with God, you gotta vibe with me too!’
So, like, the trees were vibing like, ‘Yo, let’s find a leader to boss us around!’ And they hit up the olive tree to take the throne.
But the olive tree was like, ‘Hold up, you want me to ditch all this richness that’s all about honoring God and humans, just to become some tree influencer? Like, seriously?’
And the trees were like, ‘Yo fig tree, you should totally take the crown!’
Yo, check this out: the fig tree was all, ‘Why should I drop my sweetness and good fruit just to flex on all the other trees?’
Then the trees were like, ‘Hey vine, roll with us and be our leader.’
But the vine was like, ‘Why would I give up my lit wine that brings joy to both God and humans, just to be some big shot among the trees?’
Next thing, all the trees were asking the bramble, ‘Yo, wanna be our leader?’
And the bramble was like, ‘Yo, trees! If you’re serious about making me your king, then come kick it in my shade and trust me. But if not, watch out ’cause I’m about to drop some truth bombs and burn down those fancy cedars of Lebanon.’
So, like, if you’ve been real and fair by making Abimelech king, and if you’ve shown respect to Jerubbaal and his crew, treating them right and giving them what they’re due, then…
Yo, my old man totally held it down for y’all, risking everything, even his life, to save you from those Midianites and whatnot. Like, he went all in, no cap. He straight up put it all on the line for you, ya dig?
But check it, today y’all straight up betrayed my dad’s legacy, wiping out like 70 of his sons in one foul swoop! Then you go and crown Abimelech, his servant’s son, as king over Shechem. Seriously? 🙄
So, if you’ve been real with Jerubbaal and the fam, then cool, celebrate Abimelech and show him some love.
But if not, Abimelech’s gonna bring the heat, wrecking Shechem and Millo. And the Shechem crew? They gonna come back at him hard, straight-up destroying Abimelech.
So Jotham peaced out, bounced straight to Beer, ’cause he was shook of his own bro, Abimelech.
Now, Abimelech was running the show in Israel for three years straight,
Then God dropped this bad vibe between Abimelech and Shechem, and those Shechemites straight up betrayed him, man:
So, like, to make sure Abimelech gets what’s coming to him for offing Jerubbaal’s seventy sons and Shechem backing him up, they schemed up some payback.
The Shechem squad set up shop on the high ground and started robbing anyone who crossed their path. Word got back to Abimelech.
Then Gaal, son of Ebed, rocked up with his crew, and Shechem was all about him, feeling the vibe, you know?
They hit the fields, gathered their grapes, stomped ’em out, chilled at their spot, chowed down, sipped drinks, and started dissing Abimelech.
Gaal, son of Ebed, was like, “Who’s Abimelech anyway? Why are we even sweating him? Ain’t he just Jerubbaal’s kid? And Zebul, his sidekick? We should rep Shechem’s OG, Hamor. Like, why even bother with Abimelech? What’s the deal?”
And I’m low-key itching to take control of this whole vibe! I’d straight up boot Abimelech out if I could. So he straight up tells Abimelech to rally a bigger crew and face this head on.
When Zebul, the main dude in the city, catches wind of what Gaal, Ebed’s kid, is spitting, he’s lit.
So, he slides into Abimelech’s DMs like, ‘Yo, Abimelech, peep this. Gaal and his squad just rolled into Shechem, and they’re gearing up to throw hands with you.’
So like, get your squad together, sneak out in the dead of night, and lurk in the fields, ready for action:
Here’s the deal: as soon as the sun peeps out in the AM, you gotta rise and shine and make your move on the city. And guess what? When they step up to you with their crew, you can handle them however you want. No rules, just do what feels right in the moment.
So Abimelech and his crew, like, ninja their way around at night and set up ambushes in Shechem with four different squads.
Meanwhile, Gaal, Ebed’s kid, posts up at the city gate. Then Abimelech and his crew, who were lurking, rise up.
So, Gaal peeps these figures and he’s like, ‘Yo Zebul, check it, peeps are descending from the mountains!’ And Zebul’s like, ‘Chill, bro. That’s just the mountain shadows playing tricks on ya.’
But Gaal ain’t backing down. He’s all like, ‘Bro, see those peeps coming down the middle of the land? And there’s another crew rolling through the plain of Meonenim.’ (PS: Meonenim means like, the time-watchers or something)
Zebul’s like, ‘Bruh, what happened to all that big talk? You were all, ‘Who even is this Abimelech dude that we should serve him?’ Now look at you, throwing shade at the same peeps you used to downplay. Time to put up or shut up, bro. So step out there, I double-dare you, and show ’em what you’re made of by throwing down.
So Gaal, like, rallies the Shechem crew and straight up goes to battle against Abimelech.
Abimelech was totally on his tail, and he booked it out of there, leaving behind a bunch of casualties and injuries, all the way to the gate’s entrance.
So Abimelech crashed at Arumah while Zebul straight up kicked Gaal and his crew out of Shechem, no room for them there.
The next day, everyone spilled the beans to Abimelech out in the field.
So he rounded up the crew and split them into three squads, then set up a sneaky move in the field. He clocked the crowd rolling out of the city and went in for the win, wrecking them.
Abimelech and his crew charged ahead, posted up at the city gate’s entrance. Meanwhile, the other two squads dashed towards the folks hanging out in the fields and straight up ended them.
So, Abimelech went full throttle, launching an all-out assault on the city, grinding all day. And guess what? He seized the city, wiping out everyone inside and even laying waste to the whole place. And just to add insult to injury, he sprinkled salt all over the land, making sure nothing would grow there again.
And when the dudes up in the tower of Shechem caught wind of it, they booked it to a safe spot in the temple of the god Berith.
So, Abimelech got word that everyone was chillin’ at the Shechem tower.
Abimelech rolled up to Mount Zalmon with his squad, grabbed an axe, and chopped off a tree branch. He threw it over his shoulder and was like, “Yo, do what I just did, and hustle.”
Everyone grabbed a branch and followed Abimelech. They took over the tower, set it on fire, and sadly, everyone inside got wiped out—about a thousand people lost their lives.
After that, Abimelech hit up Thebez, set up camp, and captured it.
There was this lit tower in the city, and all the guys, gals, and everyone else in the city rushed in, locked the door, and climbed up to the roof like bosses.
Abimelech came at the tower, fighting hard, trying to set the door on fire.
Then, out of nowhere, this woman went beast mode and dropped a millstone on Abimelech’s head, cracking his skull wide open.
So Abimelech called over his bro, his armor-wearing buddy, and said, “Yo, grab your sword and finish me off, so people don’t say I got taken out by a girl.” And his bro did it, and he died.
When the Israelites saw that Abimelech was dead, they all dipped and went back home.
God made Abimelech pay for the evil he did by killing his seventy brothers, just like he deserved.
God also made the people of Shechem pay for all the messed up stuff they did, and they had to deal with Jotham’s curse too.