Joshua

Joshua 1

1. So, like, after Moses, the real servant of the LORD, passed away, the LORD had a chill convo with Joshua, Moses’ right-hand dude, and here’s the scoop,
2. Yo, fam, Moses, my dude, he’s moved on. Now, it’s your turn to step up and take the lead. Round up the squad and let’s cross the Jordan river to the land I’m hooking up for the Israelite crew, you dig?
3. I got your back, wherever you set foot, it’s all yours, just like I promised Moses.
4. Bro, you’re gonna score this massive territory, from the wilderness to Lebanon, all the way to the mighty Euphrates River, stretching to the land of the Hittites, and even touching the lit Great Sea where the sun dips. It’s gonna be your epic coastline, man.
5. Ain’t nobody gonna mess with you as long as you live, just like I had Moses’ back, I got yours too. I won’t dip on you or leave you hanging.
6. Yo, hold it down and stay fierce, ‘cause you gotta carve up this turf among these peeps as their legacy. Swore to their ancestors, straight up, that I’d hook them up with this land.
7. Just flex that strength and show mad courage, aight? And stick to the playbook Moses, my main man, laid down. Don’t drift left or right, stay on that grind! That’s how you’ll level up wherever you roll, crushing it in life, ya feel?
8. Keep this code on lock, yo, let it flow off your tongue 24/7 and marinate on it round the clock. That way, you’ll be on point with everything laid out. Trust, that’s the recipe for making moves and stacking that success.
9. Like, didn’t I already school you on this? Straight up, stay bold and unshaken, no fear or stress allowed. ‘Cause the Most High? He’s riding shotgun wherever you roam, no cap!
10. So Joshua’s like, “Yo, squad leaders, peep game!”
11. A’ight fam, spread the word to the crew – we’re about to gear up and stack up on snacks. In three days, we’re crossing over the Jordan to claim the land that God promised us. It’s our turf now, fam!
12. So Joshua hit up the Reubenites, Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, dropping some knowledge like,
13. Yo, don’t sleep on what Moses, the LORD’s OG, told y’all! He was like, ‘The LORD your God is hooking you up with some serious R&R and this dope land, fam.’
14. So, listen up squad, all your ladies, kids, and even your livestock can kick it in the land Moses gave you this side of the Jordan river. But you, the brave and fearless ones, gotta cross over ahead of the pack, all organized and ready to throw down, and back them up.
15. Until the LORD gives your squad the green light to chill, just like He did for you, and they secure their piece of land that the LORD your God is blessing them with, then you can bounce back to your own turf and party it up. Same spot Moses, the LORD’s true homie, hooked you up with on the side where the sun rises.
16. So, Joshua was all, “Hey fam, whatever vibes you’re feeling, we’re vibing with it too. Where you lead, we’re following, no doubt.”
17. We were all ears for Moses, and we’re keeping those ears open for you, Joshua. Just as long as the big man upstairs, the LORD your God, is backing you up like He did with Moses!
18. But yo, if anyone tries to step out of line and ignores what you’re laying down, they’re in for some heavy consequences, maybe even the big sleep. But chill, stay strong and fearless when life throws curveballs your way.

Joshua 2

1. Alright, so Joshua, Nun’s kid, he’s like, “Let’s send a couple of stealthy bros from Shittim to Jericho, you know, to check out the scene.” These dudes end up crashing at this lady Rahab’s spot, who happens to be in the biz.
2. So word gets to the king of Jericho that some Israelite dudes slipped in last night to scope things out.
3. The king hits up Rahab, like, “Hey, bring out those guys who crashed at your place. They’re snooping around our turf.”
4. Rahab’s on it, she hides the dudes and says, “These guys showed up at my door, but honestly, I had no clue where they came from.”
5. So, like, when the gate was about to close and it got all dark and stuff, the dudes bounced. I have no idea where they dipped, but you gotta hustle if you wanna catch up!
6. So, she’s all sneaky, leading them to the rooftop, and stashing them with these stacks of flax she had set up there.
7. So, the guys are on their grind chasing after them, all the way to the Jordan River crossing, and as soon as they’re outta there, they lock the gate.
8. And before they settle in, she rolls up to the roof to hang with them;
9. And she’s like, “I know the LORD’s got your back with this land, and y’all got us shook. Everyone around here is straight-up trembling because of you.”
10. So, like, peep this, dudes. We’ve been hearing all about how the LORD straight-up parted the Red Sea when you were bouncing out of Egypt. And, like, let’s not forget how you straight-up wrecked those two kings of the Amorites, Sihon and Og, who were posted on the other side of the Jordan River. Epic moves, man!
11. So, like, when we heard all this, it was majorly intense. Nobody had any guts left ’cause of you. ‘Cause, for real, the LORD your God? He’s like, the ultimate deal, up in the sky and down here on Earth.
12. Alright, check it! Can you, like, do me a solid and swear by the LORD? ‘Cause, you know, I’ve been pretty chill with you. So, I’m just asking if you could also be cool to my fam, you feel me? Show them some love and give me a clear sign that you’re down with it!
13. Yo, promise to keep my folks, sibs, and all their stuff safe, and, like, save us from any mess or danger.
14. And the dudes were all like, “Yo, your secrets are safe with us. We pinky promise that once we take over the turf, we’ll be straight-up legit and honest with you. Trust us, we got your back. #Solidarity”
15. So, she’s like, totally lowered them down with a rope through the window ’cause her place was on the city wall and she was living it up there.
16. She was all like, ‘Hey, head up to the mountain ASAP so you don’t cross paths with those chasers. Just chill there for three days until they bounce, then you can dip.’
17. And the dudes were like, ‘Hey, we’re not taking any heat for that oath you made us swear.’
18. Hey, when we finally hit up the land, make sure you tie this rad red thread in the window where you let us down. Then, round up your fam – your pops, moms, sibs, and everyone in your pops’ crib – all under one roof. Piece of cake, yo.
19. Listen up! If anyone bails from your crib and gets hurt out on the streets, it’s on them – we ain’t accountable! But if they kick it with you at home and something goes down, we’ll take the rap, no sweat!
20. And if you spill the deets on our business, we won’t hold you to that promise you made us.
21. She was all, ‘Okay, if you say so.’ Then she let them bounce and they dipped. And she tied a red string in the window, like, for real.
22. So they dipped to the mountain and chilled there for three days, until the haters bounced back. The chasers searched high and low, but couldn’t find them, yo.
23. So, like, those two homies came back from the mountain, and they went down and crossed over, and they found Joshua, you know, Nun’s son, and spilled all the tea about what went down.
24. And they were like, bro, Joshua, you won’t even believe it! The LORD totally served up all the land to us. I’m talking, seriously, all the people living there are freaking out because of us. They’re literally melting with fear, dude!

Joshua 3

1. So, Joshua woke up mad early in the morning, and they dipped from Shittim, rolling up to the Jordan River. It was him and the whole Israelite squad posted there, gearing up to cross over.
2. So, like, three days later, the higher-ups straight up checked out the whole crew;
3. So they were like, ‘Yo fam, listen up. When you peep that box thing called the ark of the special deal with the LORD your God, and the Levite priests carrying it, you gotta bounce from where you’re at and follow that vibe.’
4. But keep a chill distance, about two grand units away from it, and don’t get too close, so you can stay on track. This area’s brand new for y’all, so it’s fresh territory. (Like, just rolled in.)
5. Joshua was like, yo squad! Get yourselves ready, ’cause tomorrow the LORD is gonna pull off some epic moves among you!
6. So Joshua was all, “Hey, squad, grab the ark of the covenant and lead the way for the crew.” And the squad did just that, lifting up the ark and moving ahead of the people.
7. And God was like, “Yo, Joshua, today I’m gonna make you look super dope in front of all Israel so they know I got your back just like I did with Moses.”
8. And you gotta let the squad carrying the ark know, like, when you reach the edge of the water at Jordan, just, like, chill there for a sec.
9. Listen up, peeps! Joshua straight up told the Israelite crew, “Gather round and vibe with the words of the LORD your God.”
10. So, like, Joshua was all, yo, this is how you’ll know for sure that the living God is vibin’ with you – He’s gonna totally kick out all those Canaanites, Hittites, Hivites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites, and Jebusites from your turf. No doubt about it, peeps.
11. Yo squad, peep this! The Lord’s covenant ride, straight from the man upstairs, is rollin’ up to the Jordan River, right before your eyes.
12. Listen up, fam! I need twelve homies, one from each Israel tribe. Let’s get this squad assembled!
13. So, when the priests step into the Jordan River with the Lord’s sacred ark, representing the Most High, the river’s flow halts. It’s like a separation between the heavens and the earth, making way for a dry path.
14. As the crew dipped from their tents to cross the Jordan River, with the priests leading the charge carrying the sacred ark;
15. So, when those dudes carrying the ark got to the Jordan River, and the priests’ kicks, who were lugging the ark, touched the water’s edge (‘cause the Jordan was spilling over during harvest time),
16. So, like, the water came crashing down from above and made this massive heap way out by the town Adam, you know, next to Zaretan. And then, the water flowing down towards the valley, you know, the Dead Sea, just stopped and backed up. So, the crew could just stroll across, like, right in front of Jericho.
17. So, like, the priests holding onto the LORD’s covenant box stayed firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan river, and all the Israelites walked across on dry ground, until everyone had safely made it across the whole Jordan river.

Joshua 4

1. Alright, so, after everyone had crossed over that Jordan River vibe, the Big Man Upstairs, He taps Joshua on the shoulder and drops some words like,
2. “Hey, gather up twelve homies, one from each squad.”
3. “Yo, make sure they snag those twelve rocks from where the priests were posted up, toes dipped in the river. Don’t forget to pack ’em up and stash ’em at your crib for the night.”
4. So Joshua rounds up the crew, one from each tribe of the Israel fam, forming a solid dozen:
5. Then Joshua lays it out, saying, “Alright fam, step up and cruise across in front of the ark of the LORD your God, right into the middle of the Jordan. And grab a stone each, representing your tribe in the mix.”
6. Alright fam, peep this, it’s gonna be a major sign for y’all. Imagine your future kids hitting you up like, “Hey, what’s the deal with these stones?”
7. So, when they come at you with that, let ’em know that back in the day, the Jordan River straight up split in half ’cause of the power of the LORD’s covenant, you feel me? It was wild – water parted like Moses and the Red Sea! And those stones? They’re there to keep the memory alive for the next generations of Israelites, for real.
8. So, Joshua was all like, “Let’s do this,” and the Israelite squad, following his lead, snagged twelve hefty rocks from the riverbed, just like the LORD told them. They made sure to grab one for each tribe, keeping it real. Then they lugged those boulders to their hangout spot and set ’em down.
9. Joshua planted those twelve stones smack dab in the middle of the Jordan River, right where the priests held up the sacred ark. And guess what? Those stones are still holding it down there, to this day!
10. Check it, the priests posted up in the river with the ark until Joshua had said everything the LORD told him to tell the people, just like Moses had passed down to Joshua. Then, once that was done, the people dipped out and crossed over, no time wasted.
11. When everybody made it across, the ark of the LORD came through too, with the priests leading the pack.
12. So, Reuben, Gad, and half of Manasseh, they all rolled across, locked and loaded, blazing the trail for the rest of the Israelite crew, just like Moses laid it out, you know?
13. About 40k soldiers flexed and strutted before the LORD, geared up to take on the plains of Jericho. They were loaded with weapons, no doubt!
14. That day, the LORD made Joshua the ultimate hype among all the Israelites. They were straight-up amazed by him, just like they were with Moses. And that rep stuck with him his whole life!
15. Yo, the LORD straight up dropped some wisdom on Joshua like,
16. Tell the priests with the holy ark to peace out of Jordan, fam.
17. Joshua was all like, “Hey priests, time to dip out of Jordan.”
18. Then, when the priests carrying the sacred ark of the Lord stepped out of the middle of the Jordan River, their kicks touched dry ground, and bam! The waters of the Jordan rolled back to where they came from, flooding over its banks, just like before. Those priests totally slayed it!
19. So, like, the crew crossed the Jordan River on the tenth day of the first month and pitched camp in this spot called Gilgal, on the eastern edge of Jericho.
20. Joshua stacked up those twelve stones they nabbed from the Jordan River in Gilgal.
21. And he’s there, speaking to the Israel fam, and he’s like, ‘Yo, when your future kids hit you up like, ‘What’s the deal with these rocks?’ or whatever, you gotta clue ’em in, you feel me?’
22. Yo, spread the word to your squad, like, Israel straight up crossed this Jordan River without even needing floaties, bro.
23. Bro, God straight up made the Jordan River vanish so y’all could walk through like it’s NBD. It was just like when He parted the Red Sea for the Israel crew. Total lit moment!
24. So everyone on this planet can peep how mighty the LORD is and be in awe of Him forever. Like, show some mad love and respect to the LORD your God every single day, ya dig?

Joshua 5

1. So, like, all the rad kings of the Amorites chillin’ on the Jordan side and the Canaanite kings vibin’ by the sea heard that the LORD totally dried up the Jordan waters for the Israelite crew to cross over. And, dude, it totally spooked them. Their hearts straight-up melted, and they lost all their mojo because of the Israelite posse.
2. So, the LORD was all, ‘Yo Joshua, grab some ultra-sharp blades and, like, do the whole circumcision gig again on all the Israelite kids, round two. Like, seriously sharp blades, maybe even flint ones.’
3. So Joshua snagged some mega-sharp blades and circumcised all the kids in Israel up on the hill where the foreskins were snipped. #BladesOfFlint #GibeahHaaraloth
4. So, here’s the lowdown on why Joshua decided to circumcise: all the dudes who came from Egypt, even the brave warriors, didn’t make it through the wilderness alive after leaving Egypt.
5. So, like, everyone who rolled out was circumcised, ya know? But the ones born in the wilderness, on the Egypt exit route, they didn’t get snipped and stuff.
6. So, the Israelite crew spent a solid 40 years wandering the wilderness ’cause they straight-up didn’t follow the Lord’s orders. It was a payback for all those battle-ready peeps who bolted from Egypt but couldn’t tune in to the Lord’s voice. Turns out the Lord swore He wouldn’t hook ’em up with the promised land, you know, that milk and honey spot He promised their folks.
7. And Joshua hooked up their kids, the ones he replaced, with the snip-snip ’cause they missed out on that during the journey.
8. And, like, after they finished snipping everyone, they just kicked it at camp until they were healed up and stuff. You know, like, done with their circumcision and all.
9. And God was like, Joshuaa, dude, today I totally erased all the hate from your Egypt days. That’s why we’re chilling in this place called Gilgal, like, forever now. It’s all about moving on, you know? #NoMoreHate #GilgalMeansRolling
10. So the Israel squad set up camp in Gilgal and threw down for the passover on the fourteenth day of the month, right when the sun was dipping, in the plains of Jericho.
11. So, the day after Passover, they chowed down on some classic snacks—unleavened cakes and toasted grain. It was epic, all going down on the same day.
12. Then, the heavenly snacks stopped coming after they finished off all the leftovers from back in the day. The Israelite crew didn’t get any more heavenly treats, but they got to enjoy the tasty goods of Canaan that year.
13. So, Joshua was chilling near Jericho when he spotted this dude standing in front of him, holding a sword. Joshua strolled up and was like, ‘You with us or against us?’
14. And the dude was like, ‘Nah, but I’m repping the big boss of the LORD’s crew.’ Joshua immediately showed mad respect, dropping to the ground, and was like, ‘What’s up, king? What’s the word?’
15. The big boss of the LORD’s squad was like, ‘Joshua, kick off your shoes. This spot you’re on is crazy sacred.’ And Joshua was like, ‘Got it, boss,’ and did just that.

Joshua 6

1. So, picture this: Jericho was on complete lockdown, like, no one in, no one out. It was tight, like, serious restrictions, you know?
2. Hey Josh, listen in! God just hit me up with some news. He’s totally handing Jericho over to you. It’s all yours – the whole city, the big boss, and even those tough dudes.
3. So here’s the plan, squad: surround the city, and all you warriors, do a lap around it once. Do that for six days straight.
4. Then, on the seventh day, we’re leveling up the vibes. Seven lit priests are holding up these rad trumpets made from rams’ horns. Get this: you gotta surround the city seven times while these pros on the trumpets do their thing.
5. And here’s the kicker: when they blast those horns super loud and you hear the trumpet jamming, everyone, I mean everyone, gotta shout at the top of their lungs. Boom! The walls are coming down, and we’re strolling right in.
6. So Joshua, son of Nun, was like, “Hey, fam, grab the ark of the covenant and get seven priests to roll with it, each lugging a rad ram’s horn trumpet.”
7. Then he was all, “Listen up, squad! Start circling the city, and make sure the ones strapped with weapons lead the way in front of the LORD’s ark.”
8. So, picture this: Joshua chattin’ with the crew, when suddenly, these seven priests roll up, blaring those sick rams’ horn trumpets. And guess what? Right behind them, the LORD’s ark was cruising, taking cues from their vibe.
9. The troops were up front, rocking with the trumpet-blowing priests, while the rest trailed behind the ark. And those priests? They just kept marching, blowing their horns like there was no tomorrow.
10. Then Joshua was all, “Hold up, chill out, and keep those lips sealed until I give the green light. Once I say the word, that’s your cue to let loose and make some noise!”
11. So, picture this: the epic ark of the LORD, like, totally circled the city, doing a lit lap around it. And then, bam, they rolled into the camp, and crashed at the campsite.
12. Joshua was on it, waking up super early in the morning, and the priests snagged the ark of the LORD.
13. Alright, imagine this scene: seven priests holding these sick trumpets made from ram horns, straight up rocking it in front of the ark of the LORD. They kept at it, blowing those trumpets all day long. And guess what? The armed crew was leading the way, with the rest of the squad bringing up the rear, all while the priests were still jamming on their trumpets.
14. Next day, they circled around the city once and dipped back to their camp. They did this same routine for six days straight.
15. So, here’s the deal: on the seventh day, they woke up super early, right as the sun was rising, and went around the city in the same way seven times. And yeah, only on that day they went around the city seven times.
16. Alright, so after the priests had blown the trumpets seven times, Joshua was like, ‘Yo, shout it out, guys! The LORD totally hooked you up with this city.’
17. So, check it, the city’s gonna be mega cursed, ya know? Everything in there, totally cursed in the eyes of the Lord. But, hold up, Rahab the homie is gonna be chillin’, a’ight? Her and her crew in the house, they’re safe. ‘Cause she looked out for the messengers we sent. Major props for that, yo!
18. Yo, stay clear of anything cursed, or you’ll catch some of that bad juju too, ya dig? Don’t be snaggin’ cursed stuff and jacking up the whole Israel crew. It’s just asking for trouble, believe me.
19. But, like, all that shiny silver, gold, and metal gear is all for the big man upstairs, ya feel? It’s going straight into the Lord’s stash. That stuff’s holy and sacred, man.
20. So, the crowd went nuts when the priests blasted those trumpets. And when the peeps heard that trumpet vibe, they straight up roared. And get this, the walls straight-up crumbled and fell. So, everyone stormed the city, no holding back, and they straight-up took over the joint.
21. And they straight up wrecked everything in the city, yo! Every single person – from the young to the old, and even the animals, like cows, sheep, and donkeys – they took ’em down with their sick sword skills.
22. So Joshua was like, “Yo, you two, scope out the scene and head to the homegirl’s spot. Bring back that woman and all her stuff, just like you promised her, alright?”
23. The undercover homies rolled in and saved Rahab, her parents, her siblings, and all her gear. They brought her whole crew outside the Israel crew’s camp. Yeah, even her extended fam got out safe, fam.
24. Then they lit up the whole city, burning everything inside. But they kept the cash – silver, gold, brass, and iron – for the Lord’s crib. No loot went to waste, ya heard?
25. So, like, Joshua totally came through for Rahab, you know, the, uh, not-so-cool lady, and her whole squad, plus her stuff. And get this, she’s still kicking it in Israel to this day, all ’cause she helped out Joshua’s undercover agents scoping Jericho, you dig?
26. And Joshua was dead serious with them, like, “Listen up, anyone tries to rebuild Jericho, they’re gonna catch a major curse from the LORD. It’s bad news, man. They’ll be sacrificing their firstborn to lay the foundation, and their youngest will be setting up the gates. Trust, it’s not a good look, bro.”
27. So, like, God was vibing hard with Joshua, and word spread all over the land about how epic he was. Total legend vibes, you feel me?

Joshua 7

1. The Israelites totally blew it with that forbidden stuff. Achan, reppin’ the tribe of Judah, snagged some of it, and God was seriously ticked at the whole crew. (Achan also went by Achar, and Zabdi was known as Zimri, just FYI.)
2. So Joshua sent a crew from Jericho to scope out Ai, near Bethaven, east side of Bethel. He’s like, ‘Go check out the scene.’ So those dudes rolled up and did their recon on Ai.
3. They hit up Joshua like, ‘Bruh, don’t send the whole squad, just send like two or three thousand of us to handle Ai. We got this, no need for everyone to get involved. They’re not that tough, you feel me?’
4. Around three thousand dudes went, but they freaked and bolted from Ai.
5. Ai’s crew wrecked about 36 guys, chasing them from the gate to Shebarim and taking them out mid-run. It shook everyone to the core. (Or in Morad)
6. Joshua was shook, straight up tore his clothes, hit the ground in front of the LORD’s ark, mourning until evening. Elders of Israel joined, tossing dust on their heads.
7. Joshua’s like, ‘OMG, God, why’d you even bring us over the Jordan just for the Amorites to crush us? Ugh, we should’ve stayed put!’
8. How do I even deal when Israel bails on their enemies? Seriously!
9. If Canaanites catch wind, they’ll come at us from all sides, wiping our name out. So, God, what’s the plan with your rep on the line?
10. God’s like, ‘Josh, get up! Why you lying face down?’ (FYI, ‘liest’ means ‘fall’ in Hebrew)
11. Israel majorly messed up, breaking our deal big time. They grabbed cursed stuff, lied, and hid it. Not cool.
12. Israel couldn’t handle their enemies, straight up ran. They’re in deep trouble. I won’t have their backs unless they clean house.
13. Listen up! Clean yourselves up for tomorrow. The big guy, LORD God of Israel, dropped some truth. There’s bad vibes among you, Israel. Sort it or you can’t handle your enemies.
14. Tomorrow, tribes line up. LORD picks tribe, then fam, then individuals, one by one.
15. Anyone caught with cursed stuff burns, breaking God’s deal in Israel.
16. Early next day, Israel lined up by squads. Tribe of Judah got the nod.
17. Judah’s crew lined, Zarhites picked, then Zabdi.
18. Everyone from Zabdi’s household lined, Achan, son of Carmi, son of Zabdi, son of Zerah, from Judah, called out.
19. Joshua’s like, ‘Achan, spill to God. Confess.’
20. Joshua’s like, ‘What’s up, Achan?’ Achan’s like, ‘My bad, I messed up, went against God. Here’s the deal.’
21. So, I saw the loot, Babylonish threads, silver, gold wedge. Couldn’t resist, snagged ’em. Hid ’em in my tent, silver under.
22. Joshua’s crew hit the tent, found it stashed, cash below.
23. They brought it to Joshua and the crew, showing it to the LORD.
24. They nabbed Achan, son of Zerah, found silver, threads, wedge, kids, animals, tent, everything! Dragged it to the valley of Achor.
25. Joshua’s like, ‘Why you gotta mess with us? God’s gonna mess with you.’ Israel stoned him, then burned everything.
26. Piled rocks over him, still there. God chilled, anger gone. Named the place ‘Trouble.’

Joshua 8

1. So, God was all like, ‘Hey Joshua, chill out, don’t stress. Gather your crew and get ready to head to Ai. I got your back, handing over Ai’s king, people, city, and land on a silver platter.’
2. Yo, deal with Ai and its king just like you did with Jericho and its king, but this time, you keep all the loot and livestock. Oh, and here’s the plan: set up an ambush behind the city, okay?
3. So Joshua got up, got his squad together, and they went to take down Ai. Joshua picked out 30,000 total badasses and sent them off under the cover of darkness.
4. He’s like, ‘Listen up, you gotta chill near the city and wait, not too far though, just be ready and stuff.’
5. Me and my crew gonna roll up to the city. When they come at us like before, we’ll dip out real quick.
6. Gotta lead them away from the city before they catch up, ’cause if they see us running scared, they’ll come at us harder. Let’s dip out first and get ’em to follow our lead, like before. Gotta be sneaky, ya feel?
7. Once you finish hiding and chilling, it’s time to make moves and take over the city, ’cause the LORD your God is handing it to you on a platter.
8. And when you take over the city, you gotta light it up, just like the LORD said. Trust me, I gave you the command.
9. So Joshua sent them out to hide, and they chilled between Bethel and Ai, on the west side of Ai. But Joshua stayed with the squad that night.
10. Joshua woke up super early and started counting everyone. He and the elders of Israel went ahead of everyone to Ai.
11. All the peeps, even the warriors, went up, got closer, and approached the city. They set up camp on the north side of Ai, with a valley between them and Ai.
12. He gathered around 5K dudes and put them in stealth mode between Bethel and Ai, on the west side of the city. #sneaky
13. After they placed all the people, including their sneaky group on the west side and their hidden attackers on the north side, Joshua secretly entered the valley in the middle of the night.
14. The king of Ai saw what was up and got hyped, waking up mad early. They all came out of the city to fight against Israel, but little did they know, sneaky liers were hiding behind the city!
15. Joshua and all of Israel acted like they got totally wrecked, and dipped out through the wilderness.
16. Everyone in Ai got together to chase them, ‘Let’s go get Joshua!’ They totally left the city.
17. Not a single person in Ai or Bethel stayed back; they abandoned the city and chased Israel.
18. God was like, ‘Joshua, take that spear and point it towards Ai. I’ll make sure you win.’ So Joshua did it, aiming at the city.
19. The surprise attack squad sprung forth from their hiding spot, bolting as soon as their leader gave a signal. With stealth and speed, they infiltrated the city, capturing it swiftly and setting it ablaze.
20. The guys from Ai turned around, saw smoke billowing up, and were trapped, with no escape. Those who tried to run ended up running into their pursuers.
21. Joshua and all of Israel saw the ambush worked, the city was taken down, and smoke filled the air. ‘Alright, time to finish the job,’ they said, taking out all the dudes in Ai.
22. The other group came out of the city to confront them, and Israel surrounded them, attacking until none were left.
23. They captured the king of Ai and brought him to Joshua.
24. Israel wiped out all the people of Ai in the field and attacked the city with their swords.
25. That day, there were 12k casualties from both guys and girls in Ai.
26. Joshua didn’t hesitate to attack Ai until every last person was gone.
27. The Israelites took the cows and stuff from the city as a prize, doing what the LORD told Joshua.
28. Joshua destroyed Ai, leaving it in ruins, never to be rebuilt.
29. They hung the king of Ai on a tree until evening, then threw his body at the entrance of the city gate and piled stones on top of it.
30. Joshua built an altar for the LORD God of Israel on mount Ebal.
31. Like Moses commanded, they made an altar out of whole stones without using any iron tools, offering burnt and peace offerings.
32. He wrote down the law of Moses on stones in front of all the Israelites.
33. All of Israel, including strangers and natives, gathered on one side of the ark, with priests carrying it. Half faced mount Gerizim, half faced mount Ebal, to bless the people.
34. Joshua read all the words of the law, blessings and curses, written in the book of the law.
35. Joshua made sure to read every single thing that Moses had commanded to the whole congregation of Israel, including women, kids, and visitors. Not a word was missed!

Joshua 9

1. So, like, all those kings across the Jordan, up in the hills, down in the valleys, and along the coastline of the big sea across from Lebanon – you know, the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites – they caught wind of it.
2. And they were like, “Let’s team up against Joshua and the Israelites, like, as one, you know?”
3. So, like, when the Gibeon squad heard about the epic moves Joshua pulled on Jericho and Ai,
4. They were lowkey scheming and decided to flex by pretending to be ambassadors. They threw some busted-up sacks on their donkeys and carried old, busted wine bottles.
5. They were rocking worn-out kicks and patched-up threads, and all their chow was stale and moldy.
6. So they rolled up to Joshua’s camp at Gilgal and were like, “Hey, we’re from, like, super far away. Let’s make a chill deal, cool?”
7. And the Israelite crew was like, “Wait, aren’t you Hivites from around here? How can we trust you?”
8. And they were like, “Nah, bro, we’re here to serve you.” And Joshua was like, “Who even are you guys? Where’d you come from?”
9. And they were like, “Dude, we’re from, like, crazy far away ’cause we heard about how lit the LORD your God is. We heard about all the epic stuff He did in Egypt, ya know?”
10. And about how He wrecked those two Amorite kings, Sihon and Og, across the Jordan River – Sihon, king of Heshbon, and Og, king of Bashan, holding it down in Ashtaroth.
11. So, like, our elders and everyone back home were like, “Yo, pack some snacks and go meet them, tell ’em we’re down to be their squad and make a pact, you feel?”
12. Yo, this bread we brought from home ain’t looking fresh anymore – it’s all crusty and moldy now, smh.
13. And these wine flasks we filled up were brand new, but check it, they’re wrecked now. And our gear is just beat from this crazy long trip, man. It’s been rough.
14. And they grabbed their grub without hitting up the Big Guy upstairs for advice. (Or, as they say, ‘they didn’t slide into the Lord’s DMs’.)
15. So Joshua was like, “Let’s vibe with each other,” and they were like, “Yeah, sounds good, bro.” They made a deal to coexist, and the community leaders promised to honor it.
16. So, like, three days later, they found out these dudes were actually from the neighborhood.
17. So, the Israelite crew rolled up to their cities on day three: Gibeon, Chephirah, Beeroth, and Kirjathjearim.
18. The Israelites didn’t throw hands ’cause their leaders swore to them in the name of the LORD, the God of Israel. But the whole crew was grumbling about it.
19. But the higher-ups were like, “Yo, we made a legit promise to them in the name of the LORD God of Israel, so we can’t touch ’em, man.”
20. So, like, hands off. They let them live to avoid bad vibes, ’cause they made a promise and they gotta keep it.
21. The leaders were like, “Fine. Let them live, but they gotta be the ones grinding for everyone else,” just like they said they would.
22. So Joshua was like, “Come here.” And he was like, “Why’d you front like you were from far away when you’re actually here?”
23. So, like, you guys messed up big time and now you’re totally cursed. There’s no escaping it – you’re gonna be stuck grinding, like chopping wood and hauling water for the house of my God. Tough break, I guess. #toughluck
24. So, like, we heard, Joshua, that your squad got the word from the big man upstairs, you know, the LORD your God. He straight up told his boy Moses to hook you up with the land and to wipe out everyone chilling there before you. And we were shook, so we did what we did, you feel?
25. And like, we’re at your mercy, dude. So, whatever you think is fair, do it.
26. And Joshua was cool with it, saved them from the Israelite crew, and didn’t lay a finger on them.
27. So, Joshua put them on wood-chopping and water-carrying duty for the people and the LORD’s altar. And they’ve been doing it ever since.

Joshua 10

1. Alright, check it, Adonizedek, the king of Jerusalem, caught wind of Joshua straight-up owning Ai, just like he did with Jericho. And get this, the Gibeon crew made peace with Israel and joined the squad. Major moves, dude.
2. They were freaking out ’cause Gibeon was a serious big shot city, like top-tier royal vibes, and it was even bigger than Ai, plus all the guys there were ripped. #impressive
3. So Adonizedek, the big shot of Jerusalem, hit up Hoham, the boss of Hebron, and Piram, the top dog of Jarmuth, and Japhia, the kingpin of Lachish, and Debir, the head honcho of Eglon, with a message,
4. Hey, let’s team up and take down Gibeon together. They made peace with Joshua and the Israelite crew.
5. So, like, the five rulers of the Amorites – the ruler of Jerusalem, the ruler of Hebron, the ruler of Jarmuth, the ruler of Lachish, the ruler of Eglon – linked up and rallied their armies. They camped before Gibeon and were all geared up to throw down.
6. So the Gibeon squad hit up Joshua at the camp in Gilgal, and they were all like, ‘Bro, we’re getting wrecked here by all the Amorite kings up in the mountains, they’re all ganging up on us!’
7. So Joshua and his crew rolled out from Gilgal, along with all the warriors and the legends.
8. And God was like, “Joshua, chill! I got you. None of them can even handle you.”
9. So Joshua swooped in like a ninja, dipping out from Gilgal in the dead of night.
10. Yo, God straight up owned those dudes in front of Israel, like, bam! Major showdown went down at Gibeon, and God just wiped ’em out. Then He chased ’em all the way from the road to Bethhoron, and totally smoked ’em till Azekah and Makkedah.
11. So, here’s the scoop: as the enemies tried to bounce from Israel and were near Bethhoron, the LORD dropped some huge stones from the sky on ’em, smack into Azekah, and they were done. And guess what? More of ’em bit the dust from those hailstones than from Israel’s swords.
12. So Joshua was talking to God that day, and God was like, “Alright, Sun, you stay right over Gibeon, and Moon, chill in the valley of Ajalon.” (whispering: or just be quiet, you know).
13. And yo, peep this, the sun was just chilling, didn’t move at all, and the moon was like, “Hold up, I got you too,” all ’cause the crew needed to get payback on their enemies. Isn’t this written in that book called Jasher? So yeah, the sun stayed right where it was in the sky, didn’t even rush to set for a whole day. (Jasher might mean ‘the upright’ or something, just sayin’).
14. OMG, like, never before or after in HISTORY did the LORD actually LISTEN to a human’s voice! It was lit because the LORD was totally fighting for Israel! 🙌
15. So Joshua and all of Israel bounced back to the camp at Gilgal.
16. So these five kings dipped out and went into hiding in a sick cave at Makkedah.
17. So, like, Joshua heard through the grapevine that, dude, the five kings were all, like, holed up in this cave at Makkedah.
18. Joshua was like, yo, let’s block that cave entrance with some massive rocks and post some guys there to keep watch, no cap.
19. Don’t hold back, go after your enemies and take down any stragglers. Don’t let them retreat to their turf, because the LORD your God has handed them over to you. It’s game over for them!
20. So, like, after Joshua and the squad of Israelites finished totally wrecking their enemies with a mega brutal beatdown until they were totally wiped out, the few survivors left decided to bounce to fortified cities, you know?
21. Then everyone rolled back to Joshua at the camp in Makkedah, and no one was throwing shade at the Israelite crew.
22. So Joshua was like, yo, crack open that cave and bring me those five kings chilling in there.
23. And they did just that, hauling those five kings out from the cave— the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jarmuth, the king of Lachish, and the king of Eglon.
24. When they dragged those kings to Joshua, he called over all the dudes in Israel and told the war captains who were with him, ‘Aight, come up close and plant your feet on the necks of these kings.’ And they did, getting up close and personal.
25. Yo, Joshua was like, chillax, fam, don’t trip or stress out or nothing. Stay solid and fearless, ’cause the Lord’s got your back. He’s gonna handle all those haters y’all are facing.
26. And then Joshua straight up took them out, put them to rest, and hung them on five trees, and they were just swinging there until the sun went down.
27. So Joshua was like, ‘Guys, it’s sunset o’clock,’ and he told his squad to unhook those dudes from the trees and toss them into the cave where they were hiding. Then they stacked up mad rocks to seal the cave, and those rocks are still there, no joke.
28. So, Joshua totally owned Makkedah that day and gave it a solid smackdown with his sword. He wiped out their king and everyone else in the city. No survivors, just like with the Jericho king.
29. So Joshua and the whole crew kept it moving after taking Makkedah, and rolled up to Libnah, ready to throw hands:
30. And God straight up handed Libnah to Israel, along with the king. They totally crushed it with their swords, no one got spared, just like they did to Jericho’s king.
31. So Joshua and the squad bounced from Libnah to Lachish. They set up camp, geared up for battle:
32. And God gave Lachish to Israel on a silver platter. They took it on the second day, swung their swords, and wiped everyone out, just like in Libnah.
33. So, Horam, the king of Gezer, thought he’d join in to help Lachish. But Joshua wrecked him and his crew, wiped them out completely.
34. So Joshua moved from Lachish to Eglon, with all of Israel in tow. They set up camp and went to town on it:
35. And they totally wrecked it that day, slashed it with their epic swords, and wiped out everyone inside, just like they did to Lachish.
36. So Joshua and the whole Israel squad rolled up to Hebron, ready to throw down:
37. And they straight up attacked with swords, no mercy. They took out the king, all the cities, and every single person. No survivors, for real. Just like with Eglon – total annihilation, dude. Nobody left standing.
38. So Joshua and the Israel squad went back to Debir and went to battle.
39. Then he straight up took over the whole place, including the king and all the cities. They defeated them with their swords and wiped out everyone. Not a single soul left. He did the same to Debir and its king, just like with Hebron. And he also did it to Libnah and its king.
40. So Joshua straight up wrecked all those hilly, southern, valley, and spring regions, along with their kings. He left no one alive, just like the LORD God of Israel commanded.
41. Joshua totally dominated those dudes from Kadeshbarnea to Gaza, and even bossed up the entire region of Goshen up to Gibeon.
42. Joshua completely owned all these kings and their territories in one go, all thanks to the epic power of the LORD God of Israel who had their back.
43. So Joshua and the whole Israel squad went back to the camp at Gilgal, yo!

Joshua 11

1. So, dude, Jabin, the king of Hazor, caught wind of all the craziness going down, you feel? And he’s like, ‘Yo, let’s rally Jobab, the king of Madon, and also hit up the kings of Shimron and Achshaph.’
2. And they’re shooting messages to the kings up in the north, chillin’ in the mountains, and those down south in the plains near Chinneroth, and in the valley, and along the borders of Dor out west,
3. And, bro, Canaanites were spreadin’ like wildfire, east and west, plus you got Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, and Jebusites up in the hills, and even Hivites posted up under Hermon in Mizpeh.
4. So they all roll out, squads deep, a massive crowd stretching out like a killer wave on the beach. And they’re rolling in heavy with horses and chariots for days.
5. So, when all these kings are finally gathered, they set up camp together at the waters of Merom, ready to throw down against Israel. #battleofthecentury
6. And God was like, “Joshua, chillax, don’t even trip about those dudes. Tomorrow ’round this time, I’mma hand you their butts on a platter. Wreck their horses and torch their chariots, no mercy!”
7. So Joshua and his whole squad rolled up on these guys by the waters of Merom outta nowhere, and they straight-up launched an attack.
8. And the Big Man upstairs hooked Israel up big time. They straight-up demolished their enemies, chasing ’em all the way to Zidon, Misrephothmaim, and the valley of Mizpeh. They kept on winning battles ’til there was nobody left standing. 🙌🏼
9. So Joshua did what the Big Guy told him: disabled their horses and lit their chariots up.
10. So, like, Joshua took the lead and bounced back to Hazor. He straight-up wrecked the king there with his blade, you feel? ‘Cause Hazor used to be the big boss, ruling over all them other kingdoms.
11. So, they went full beast mode, wielding their swords and taking down everyone in Hazor. Like, zero survivors. And then they torched the whole place. It was intense, man.
12. Joshua went all in, just like Moses, following the game plan the LORD gave them. He was a total legend with that sword!
13. And yo, they didn’t burn down all the cities, just Hazor got the flames. Joshua made sure of that.
14. Israel scored big time, snagging loot and livestock from these cities. They fought hard, taking out every last one. No mercy, not even one person spared.
15. Moses passed the torch to Joshua, and Joshua was on point, not missing a single instruction from the big man upstairs. (BTW, ‘left…: Heb. removed nothing)
16. So Joshua claimed all that territory – hills, south country, Goshen, valleys, plains, mountains of Israel – the whole nine yards.
17. He took down kings left and right, from mount Halak to Seir, all the way to Baalgad in the valley of Lebanon beneath mount Hermon. He dominated, end of story.
18. Joshua was in it for the long haul, battling those kings like there was no tomorrow.
19. No city was down to vibe with the Israelite crew, except Gibeon where the Hivites were posted up. Those dudes managed to finesse their way out of a fight, unlike the other cities that got straight up conquered.
20. The LORD made sure those other cities were stubborn, so they’d go head to head with Israel and get wiped out. It was all part of the plan, just like the LORD told Moses.
21. Joshua came through and wiped out the Anakims from the mountains, hitting up spots like Hebron, Debir, Anab, and all the mountains in Judah and Israel. He wrecked them, cities and all.
22. All the Anakims were cleared out from the Israelite turf, except in Gaza, Gath, and Ashdod. They were the holdouts, fam.
23. So Joshua completed the takeover, just like the LORD told Moses. Then he divvied up the land among the tribes of Israel, and finally, the land got to chill after all that chaos. Peace at last.

Joshua 12

1. So, like, these were the kings of the land that the Israelites totally owned and took over their turf on the other side of the Jordan River, towards where the sun rises. They dominated everything from the Arnon River to Mount Hermon, and all the land in the east.
2. Yo, peep this, Sihon, the king of the Amorites, posted up in Heshbon. He was straight-up bossing it from Aroer, right by the river Arnon, and from the middle of the river, all the way to half of Gilead, and even up to the river Jabbok, which was the Ammonites’ turf.
3. And from the flat lands all the way to the Chinneroth sea in the east, and to the plain sea, yup, the salty sea in the east, leading to Bethjeshimoth; and from the south, below Ashdothpisgah: you know, Teman; or, Ashdothpisgah, the chill springs of Pisgah, or the hill, you know?
4. And the territory owned by Og, the king of Bashan who was one of the last surviving giants, and he owned Ashtaroth and Edrei.
5. And they totally ruled over Mount Hermon, Salcah, and all of Bashan, all the way to where the Geshurites and Maachathites lived, and even half of Gilead, which was like King Sihon of Heshbon’s turf.
6. So Moses, who was like the ultimate servant of the LORD, wiped them out alongside the squad of Israel. After they nailed the victory, Moses, the LORD’s servant, passed the land to the Reubenites, Gadites, and half of the Manasseh tribe.
7. And these are the absolute bosses that Joshua and the Israelite crew straight-up owned on the west side of the Jordan River, from Baalgad in the valley of Lebanon all the way up to Mount Halak that leads to Seir. Joshua totally hooked up the tribes of Israel with this land as their own, each tribe getting their slice, for real.
8. In the mountains, valleys, plains, springs, wilderness, and southern region, there were the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites.
9. So, like, there was this one king in Jericho and another one in Bethel, also known as Ai.
10. The big shot of Jerusalem? Only one; same with Hebron;
11. Yup, Jarmuth had its own king, and Lachish too, just one each;
12. Eglon held it down with one king, and Gezer had its own king, yo!
13. Debir had its king, and so did Geder.
14. Hormah’s turf? One king. Arad? Also just one;
15. Libnah’s king? Solo, dude. And Adullam’s king? Yeah, also one dude;
16. Makkedah’s top dog? One. Bethel’s boss? Just one;
17. Tappuah’s king? Totally one. Hepher’s ruler? Also, just one;
18. Aphek’s ruler? Singular. Lasharon’s ruler? Also just one;
19. One king in Madon, and one king in Hazor;
20. Shimronmeron’s ruler? Uno. Achshaph’s ruler? Uno too;
21. This guy was in charge of Taanach, and that guy handled Megiddo.
22. Kedesh had its king, and Jokneam of Carmel had one too.
23. The ruler of Dor on the chill coast of Dor? Just one dude; and the ruler of the Gilgal nations? Yeah, just one, you feel?
24. Tirzah had this ruler, the only one from there. So, like, there were thirty other kings in the mix, making it a total of thirty-one kings in the zone, you know?

Joshua 13

1. So Joshua was, like, seriously ancient, feeling the years stacking up. And then God’s like, ‘Bro, you’re getting up there in age, not the spring chicken you used to be. But yo, there’s still mad land to conquer and claim. Seriously, a ton of work ahead, dude.’
2. So, peep this, there’s still this huge chunk of land left, you know? It’s like, the whole deal with the Philistines and even Geshuri.
3. From Sihor, which is like right before Egypt, all the way up to the Ekron borders in the north, which is like part of Canaan: there are these five big shots ruling over the Philistines – we’re talking about the Gazathites, the Ashdothites, the Eshkalonites, the Gittites, and the Ekronites; and throw in the Avites too, just for kicks.
4. Heading way down south, covering the whole territory of the Canaanites, including this spot called Mearah, which is chilling right beside the Sidonians, stretching out until Aphek, hitting up the borders of the Amorites. Oh, and fun fact, Mearah? That’s just another way of saying ‘the cave’.
5. So, the Giblites’ hood and all of Lebanon, where the sun rises, from Baalgad to Mount Hermon and all the way to Hamath.
6. I’m gonna make sure everyone living in the hills from Lebanon to Misrephothmaim, including the Sidonians, gets evicted so the Israelite crew can move in. Just make sure to divide it up fairly through a lottery for the Israelites to inherit, like I told you.
7. So, let’s split up this land into portions for the nine tribes and the half-tribe of Manasseh.
8. The Reubenites and the Gadites got their land inheritance from Moses himself, on the east side of the Jordan River, just like the LORD’s faithful servant Moses gave it to them.
9. From the town of Aroer, by the river Arnon, and the city in the middle of the river, and all the flatlands of Medeba to Dibon;
10. And all the cities that this dude Sihon, king of the Amorites, ruled over in Heshbon, all the way to the border of the Ammonites.
11. So, like, Gilead and the whole area where the Geshurites and Maachathites lived, plus all of Mount Hermon and Bashan all the way to Salcah;
12. Basically, all of Og’s kingdom in Bashan. He was the boss in Ashtaroth and Edrei, the last of those giant dudes. Then Moses showed up, totally defeated them, and kicked them out.
13. But the Israelites didn’t completely get rid of the Geshurites or the Maachathites. So, these folks are still living among the Israelites to this day.
14. The tribe of Levi didn’t get any land, but they got something super special from the LORD God of Israel – offering sacrifices with fire, just like He said.
15. Moses sorted out the land for the tribe of Reuben, giving them their share based on their families.
16. Their turf stretched from Aroer, on the edge of the Arnon River, to the city in the middle of the river, and covered the whole plain near Medeba.
17. Heshbon, and all the cool spots in the flatlands; Dibon, Bamothbaal, and Bethbaalmeon, Baal’s crib and the lit house of Baalmeon.
18. And like, Jahazah, Kedemoth, and Mephaath,
19. And Kirjathaim, Sibmah, and Zarethshahar in the chill mountain valley,
20. And also Bethpeor, Ashdothpisgah, and Bethjeshimoth, which are basically like the springs of Pisgah, or the hill.
21. And, like, all the cities in the flatlands and the whole kingdom of Sihon, who was the king of the Amorites and ruled over Heshbon. Moses totally took this guy down along with some other important dudes from Midian – Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba. These guys were the top dogs in Sihon’s land.
22. So, like, Israel totally took out Balaam, son of Beor, who was basically a psychic. They slayed him with their swords, along with all the other dudes they defeated. Just FYI, ‘diviner’ is another word for ‘soothsayer’.
23. The Reubenites had their land along the Jordan River and stuff. That was their slice of the pie, you know? It included their families, the cool cities, and the chill villages.
24. Moses sorted out the tribe of Gad with their inheritance, so the children of Gad got what they deserved based on their family vibes.
25. They had Jazer in their territory, along with all the lit cities in Gilead, and like half the land that used to belong to the Ammonite squad, all the way to Aroer, right before Rabbah, fam.
26. Yo, from Heshbon all the way to Ramathmizpeh, including Betonim; and from Mahanaim to the border of Debir;
27. In the valley, you got Betharam, Bethnimrah, Succoth, and Zaphon, plus the whole kingdom of Sihon, who was reppin’ as king of Heshbon. The Jordan River and its boundary roll all the way to the edge of the Chinnereth sea on the east side.
28. So, this is what the crew from Gad’s snaggin’ as their inheritance, like, the towns and kickback spots where they can chill.
29. Moses hooked up the half tribe of Manasseh with their piece of the pie, and here’s the scoop on what the half tribe of Manasseh scored, divided up among their fams.
30. Their turf stretched from Mahanaim to all of Bashan, including the whole kingdom ruled by King Og of Bashan, plus the bunch of cities of Jair situated in Bashan, totaling sixty cities in total.
31. So, check it out, fam. Gilead, Ashtaroth, and Edrei? Yeah, they were OG cities, part of Og’s kingdom in Bashan. Guess what? They were basically handed over to Machir’s crew, you know, Manasseh’s kid. And, like, it was legit – half of Machir’s descendants were all about claiming these cities as fam turf.
32. Moses was on top of it, though. He split up these lands for the squad to inherit, chilling in the plains of Moab, right by the Jordan, close to Jericho, on the east side.
33. But peep this: the Levi crew didn’t cop any land from Moses. Nah, they were vibing with the LORD God of Israel, just like He told them.

Joshua 14

1. Okay, peeps, listen up! So, check it out, the Israelites were scoring their land in Canaan like this: Eleazar, the top priest, Joshua (Nun’s kid), and the big shots from all the tribes made sure everyone snagged their fair share.
2. They scored their inheritance by drawing lots, just like the LORD told Moses. That went down for the nine tribes and the half-tribe.
3. Moses was like, “Hey, I got you covered!” for two and a half tribes across the Jordan. But he didn’t divvy up any land for the Levites, you feel?
4. So, Joseph’s crew got split into two tribes, Manasseh and Ephraim. And because of that, they didn’t slice off any land for the Levites, except for some chill cities where they could crash and keep their animals and stuff.
5. Yo, the Lord was like, “Hey, Moses, let’s do this!” And the Israelite crew was all, “Totally, dude!” So, they divvied up the land like the Lord said.
6. So, like, when the crew from Judah pulled up on Joshua in Gilgal, Caleb, son of Jephunneh, the Kenezite, was all like, ‘Yo, you remember what the LORD told Moses, the man of God, about us when we were chilling in Kadeshbarnea, right?’
7. I was 40 years old when Moses, the LORD’s main homie, sent me from Kadeshbarnea to scope out the land. I straight up told him how I really felt about it.
8. But yo, my squad that rolled with me totally freaked out the peeps, but I stayed 💯 loyal to the LORD my God.
9. And Moses was like, ‘For real, dude! Today I’m telling you, no cap, the land where you’ve been strolling will be yours and your kids’ forever. Why? ‘Cause you’ve been all about that life, straight-up following the LORD, my God!
10. Yo, listen up. God has totally kept me going, just like He said, for a solid 45 years. He dropped these words to Moses back in the wilderness days when the whole Israel squad was on a journey. And check it, today I’m repping 85 years on this earth. Can’t believe it, man. wandered: Hebrew for walked
11. Yo, I’m still rockin’ it like I did back when Moses gave me the nod. My strength then is my strength now, whether I’m grinding in battle or just maneuvering through life!
12. So, like, can I snag that mountain the Big Guy was talkin’ about ages ago? ‘Cause, you know, back then folks were freakin’ out about these giant Anakim dudes and the fortified cities. But if the Big Guy’s got my back, I’m all in—I can totally clear ’em out, just like He promised.
13. Joshua blessed Caleb, son of Jephunneh, and hooked him up with Hebron as his turf.
14. So, Hebron became Caleb’s crib, son of Jephunneh the Kenezite, and it’s been his hood ever since, all ’cause he stayed true to the Big Guy, the God of Israel.
15. Before it was Hebron, it was called Kirjatharba, where this legendary dude Arba, who was like a big deal among the Anakim, used to hold it down. And, get this, during that time, the land finally caught a break from all the chaos and got some peace and quiet.

Joshua 15

1. Alright, fam, here’s the lowdown for the tribe of Judah. Each fam held it down in their own turf, and their southern turf stretched all the way to the edge of Edom—yeah, that wild Zin desert, that’s their southern vibe.
2. So, their south line ran from the salty sea, hittin’ that cool bay down south, aka the tongue.
3. Then it cruised to this chill spot called Maalehacrabbim, then straight to Zin. Climbed up the south side to Kadeshbarnea, rolled on to Hezron, and pushed up to Adar. Finally, swung by Karkaa and called it a wrap. (By the way, Maalehacrebbim’s also known as the ascent to Acrabbim.)
4. Next stop, Azmon, then coasted to the river of Egypt, and yeah, it reached the sea. So, south border? Done deal.
5. Eastside vibe was the salt sea, all the way to the Jordan River. North line kicked off from the beach where the sea meets the Jordan.
6. Now, up it went to Bethhogla, then north to Betharabah’s side, followed by a shout-out to the legendary rock, Bohan, Reuben’s offspring:
7. Slid up towards Debir from Achor valley, then north, facing Gilgal, near the climb to Adummim, south of the river. Then kept cruising to Enshemesh springs, capping it off at Enrogel.
8. Kept the groove going through Hinnom’s son valley, hitting up the southern end of Jebusite town (aka Jerusalem). Then climbed to the mountain peak, overlooking the Hinnom valley’s west end, you know, where the giants used to kick it up north.
9. So, from that hilltop, it stretched to Nephtoah’s spring. Then expanded to Mount Ephron’s cities, embracing Baalah, aka Kirjathjearim.
10. Then it rolled from Baalah to Mount Seir out west, slid over to Mount Jearim (that’s Chesalon), dipped down to Bethshemesh, and hit up Timnah.
11. From there, it checked out Ekron’s scene up north, rolled towards Shicron, coasted to Mount Baalah, and touched base at Jabneel. And that’s a wrap, hitting the sea.
12. West border? Straight up the ocean, all the way. That’s where the Judah fam settled, repping their clans and all.
13. Oh, and Caleb, son of Jephunneh? He snagged a spot in Judah’s turf, as ordered by the LORD to Joshua. Got himself Arba City, aka Hebron, where Anak’s old man lived.
14. Then Caleb straight-up kicked out these three giants, sons of Anak: Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai, big dudes.
15. Then he rolled into Debir, once known as Kirjathsepher.
16. Caleb was like, “Yo, whoever takes Kirjathsepher gets my daughter Achsah as their ride or die.”
17. So, Othniel, Caleb’s bro and Kenaz’s kid, took the challenge and won Achsah’s heart.
18. When she rolled up to him, she dropped the hint about some land from her dad. She hopped off her ride, and Caleb was like, “What you need, girl?”
19. She was like, “Can I get a hookup? You blessed me with some prime land down south. How about some springs too?” Caleb was cool and hooked her up with both, top and bottom springs.
20. And that’s the inheritance the tribe of Judah scored, divvied up among their clans and all.
21. Furthest spots down south? Kabzeel, Eder, and Jagur.
22. Then there’s Kinah, Dimonah, and Adadah, you know?
23. Plus, Kedesh, Hazor, and Ithnan, vibes.
24. Ziph, Telem, Bealoth, fam,
25. Hazor, Hadattah, Kerioth, and Hazor-Hadattah, you feel me?
26. Amam, Shema, Moladah, fam!
27. Hazargaddah, Heshmon, and Bethpalet, or whatever,
28. Hazarshual, Beersheba, Bizjothjah, vibin’.
29. Baalah, Iim, Azem, fam.
30. Eltolad, Chesil, Hormah, of course.
31. Ziklag, Madmannah, Sansannah, all that.
32. Lebaoth, Shilhim, Ain, Rimmon—twenty-nine cities, chill vibes all around.
33. Down in the valley, Eshtaol, Zoreah, Ashnah, holding it down.
34. Zanoah, Engannim, Tappuah, Enam,
35. Jarmuth, Adullam, Socoh, Azekah—game strong!
36. Sharaim, Adithaim, Gederah, Gederothaim, including Gederothaim, you know?
37. Zenan, Hadashah, Migdalgad, all on the map, fam.
38. Dilean, Mizpeh, Joktheel, vibin’.
39. Lachish, Bozkath, Eglon, OGs.
40. Cabbon, Lahmam, Kithlish, fam.
41. Gederoth, Bethdagon, Naamah, Makkedah—sixteen cities, chill neighborhoods.
42. Libnah, Ether, Ashan, holding it down.
43. Jiphtah, Ashnah, Nezib, vibin’.
44. Keilah, Achzib, Mareshah—nine cities, chill vibes.
45. Ekron, lit suburbs and chill ‘hoods, all around.
46. From Ekron to the sea, hitting up Ashdod and its towns: near the spot.
47. Ashdod and its crew, Gaza and its crew, all the way to the river of Egypt, the ocean, the whole shebang.
48. Up in the mountains, Shamir, Jattir, Socoh, vibin’.
49. Plus Dannah and Kirjathsannah, aka Debir,
50. Anab, Eshtemoh, Anim, you know?
51. So, there were these places, right? Goshen, Holon, and Giloh—like, eleven cities with all their chill little villages and stuff:
52. Yo, there’s Arab, Dumah, and Eshean, fam.
53. And, like, there’s Janum, Bethtappuah, and Aphekah, just so you know. (Oh, and Janum might also go by the name Janus, just FYI.)
54. And also Humtah, and Kirjatharba, which is like Hebron, and Zior; there’s like nine cities and their chill villages:
55. Yo, there’s Maon, Carmel, Ziph, and Juttah!
56. And like, there’s Jezreel, Jokdeam, and Zanoah, you know?
57. For real, these are the cities and towns: Cain, Gibeah, and Timnah; a whole ten of them, yo!
58. Yo, Halhul, Bethzur, and Gedor,
59. And there were like these cities, you know? Maarath, Bethanoth, and Eltekon, bro. There were like six cities, each with their own dope villages and all that.
60. Kirjathbaal, also known as Kirjathjearim, and Rabbah, were like, these two lit cities with all their surrounding villages, you know?
61. Out in the middle of nowhere, we’ve got Betharabah, Middin, and Secacah.
62. And there’s Nibshan, the city of Salt, and Engedi; six cities with all their villages and stuff.
63. So, like, the people of Judah, they couldn’t fully kick out the Jebusites who were living in Jerusalem, you know? So, the Jebusites ended up living alongside the people of Judah in Jerusalem up until today.

Joshua 16

1. Yo, peeps! Check it, Joseph’s crew got this massive stretch of land from the Jordan River near Jericho, all the way to the east where Jericho’s water stops. It’s like, wilderness vibes from Jericho up to Mount Bethel, all theirs.
2. So, they dip from Bethel, cruise to Luz, and hit up Archi, rolling straight to Ataroth.
3. Then it’s all about chasing the sunset, hitting the Japhleti hood, cruising to Bethhoron the lower, Gezer, and boom, beach vibes.
4. Joseph’s offspring, Manasseh and Ephraim, snagged their turf, no cap.
5. Ephraim’s turf? It’s lit! Starting from Atarothaddar out east, all the way to the upper Bethhoron.
6. Then it’s like, coast vibes as it keeps it moving to Michmethah up north, then swings east to Taanathshiloh, passing Janohah like it’s no biggie.
7. So, like, the vibe shifted from Janohah to Ataroth, then Naarath, and finally hit up Jericho, bouncing out at Jordan.
8. The border went from Tappuah, cruising westward all the way to the river Kanah, and it’s stretching out to the sea. This rad turf belongs to the tribe of Ephraim, passed down through their squads.
9. Yo, Ephraim’s towns were mixed in with Manasseh’s turf, all chill with the cities and ‘burbs and whatnot.
10. And get this, they didn’t even kick out those Canaanites posted up in Gezer. Those Canaanites are still in the mix with the Ephraimites, throwing them some tribute and all that jazz to this day.

Joshua 17

1. So, like, Manasseh’s tribe, they scored a major piece of the pie, ’cause Manasseh was Joseph’s OG son. Machir, the oldest kid of Manasseh, he was a real battle-savvy dude, snagged Gilead and Bashan as his turf.
2. And there’s more, yo! The rest of Manasseh’s fam got some land too: Abiezer’s clique, Helek’s crew, Asriel’s squad, Shechem’s squad, Hepher’s posse, and Shemida’s gang. These were the boys reppin’ Manasseh, Joseph’s kid. (Oh, and Abiezer was also known as Jeezer.)
3. Check it, fam! Zelophehad, Hepher’s boy, who came from Gilead, descended from Machir, Manasseh’s line, he was solo, no bros, but peep this – he had five sisters! Names? Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah, holdin’ it down.
4. So they rolled up to Eleazar the priest, Joshua, son of Nun, and the big shots, and they were like, ‘Yo, the LORD told Moses to bless us with some land for our crew.’ And you know what? Just like the LORD said, they got their inheritance, just like their old man’s homies got theirs.
5. And Manasseh scored ten parts, plus snagged the land of Gilead and Bashan, across the Jordan River, you feel me?
6. So, like, the girls from Manasseh weren’t left out of the inheritance game; they got their slice alongside the dudes. And the rest of Manasseh’s crew? They staked out the land of Gilead, you know.
7. Manasseh’s turf stretched from Asher to Michmethah, right up to Shechem. And the border kept rolling towards Entappuah.
8. Now, Manasseh thought they had this spot called Tappuah, but it was kinda in their hood, yet it was actually claimed by the cool kids, the Ephraimites.
9. The border dropped down to the Kanah River, south of the stream, you know, those Ephraimite cities? They’re part of the Manasseh scene. And the Manasseh border? It hugged the north side of the river and stretched all the way to the sea. (Kanah River, it’s like this trendy reed-filled stream.)
10. So, the south side was Ephraim’s gig, the north was all about Manasseh’s vibe, and the coast? That was their limit. They were all linked up in Asher up north and Issachar back east, you dig?
11. So, Manasseh scored big time with Bethshean and the hood around it, Issachar and Asher were like, “Cool cool,” plus Ibleam and its squad, Dor and its clique, Endor and its crew, Taanach and its posse, and Megiddo and its entourage. That’s legit, bro, feels like we’re talking about three whole nations here.
12. But, like, the Manasseh squad couldn’t fully evict the homies chilling in those cities, you feel? The Canaanites just stayed put, vibin’ in the hood and all.
13. So basically, when the Israelites got their strength up, they made the Canaanites cough up some dough, but they didn’t totally boot them from their turf.
14. So, like, the Joseph fam were having a chat with Joshua, and they were like, “Bro, why you hooking us up with just one spot? We’re like a mega tribe, man! God’s been pouring out blessings left and right!”
15. Yo, Joshua was straight up like, “If you think you’re all that and a bag of chips, then head up to the forest and start choppin’ trees in Perizzite and giant territory. And if Mount Ephraim ain’t spacious for ya, well, what then? (Those giants, aka Rephaims for the history buffs out there)”
16. Joseph’s crew was like, “This hill ain’t cutting it for us, man. Plus, those Canaanites down in the valley got some sick iron chariots. You know, the Bethshean and Jezreel squads? They’re legit.”
17. Joshua was chatting with the Joseph fam, including Ephraim and Manasseh, and he was like, “Yo, you guys are straight fire, with mad strength. You ain’t settling for just one piece of the pie, fam.”
18. But check it, you get that mountain, bro! It’s all forested and stuff, so you can totally clear it out. And yeah, all the surrounding areas are yours too. You’ll kick those Canaanites out, even though they’re rollin’ with iron chariots and all.

Joshua 18

1. So, like, all the Israelite crew gathered up at Shiloh, and they totally pitched the tabernacle there. And yeah, the whole land was totally under their control, fam.
2. So, like, there were still seven tribes among the Israelite squad who hadn’t copped their piece yet, you know?
3. Yo, Joshua was like, yo fam, what’s up with the delay in securing the promised land the Lord God hooked our ancestors up with?
4. Yo, pick three squad members from each tribe, and I’ll send them to scope out the land. They gotta roam around, jot down notes on the different territories that belong to them. Then they’ll bounce back to give me the lowdown.
5. And they gotta split it up into seven parts: Judah gonna chill in the south, and the tribe of Joseph gonna kick it up in the north, ya feel?
6. Alright, peeps, let’s divide up this land into seven chunks. Bring me the deets so we can roll the dice right here, in front of the LORD our God.
7. Yo, check it out! The Levites ain’t getting a piece of this pie like everyone else. They’re all about that priesthood of the LORD as their inheritance. And yo, Gad, Reuben, and half of Manasseh’s crew, they scored their turf on the east side of the Jordan River, all thanks to Moses, the man repping the LORD.
8. So then, the squad got up and dipped: and Joshua was like, “For y’all who are about to explore the land, listen up! Take a stroll through it, scope it out, then bounce back to me so we can flip a coin for you in front of the LORD in Shiloh.”
9. So the crew went on their journey, scoping out each city and jotting down their findings in a book. Then they came back to Joshua and the squad in Shiloh.
10. Joshua was like, “Alright fam, let’s cast lots in Shiloh. We gotta figure out how to divvy up this land among the Israelite fam, ya know, sticking to the Lord’s blueprint and all.”
11. So, the tribe of Benjamin, like, got their land portion based on their fam vibes. And their spot was smack dab between Judah’s turf and Joseph’s crew, you feel?
12. On the north side, their territory went from the Jordan River all the way up to the edge of Jericho up north. Then it stretched through the hills towards the west, hitting up the wilderness of Bethaven.
13. From there, it headed towards Luz, also known as Bethel, going south; then down to Atarothadar, near the hill on the south side of lower Bethhoron.
14. So, they drew the line and curved around the sea towards the south, starting from the hill in front of Bethhoron, going all the way to Kirjathbaal, aka Kirjathjearim, a city reppin’ the children of Judah. That marked the western border.
15. Yo, so the southern bit, yeah? It started from Kirjathjearim and went west, hitting up the Nephtoah water spot, you know?
16. The border kept going to the edge of the mountain near the chill valley where those giant dudes be, then slid down to the valley next to the city of Jebusi peeps down south, and all the way to Enrogel.
17. So, it went up north, hitting Enshemesh and cruising towards Geliloth, right by the Adummim pass. Then it went down to the stone of Bohan, Reuben’s kid.
18. And it kept on moving towards the area across from Arabah to the north, and then dipped down to Arabah, you feel? (Arabah means the plain, btw)
19. Then it followed the edge of Bethhoglah to the north and ended up at the northern tip of the salt sea, south of the Jordan River. That was the southern border. (Just so you know, “bay” in Hebrew is like “tongue.”)
20. And Jordan was, like, the boundary on the east side. That’s the land the Benjamin crew got, with their fam spread all over it.
21. So, the cities that belonged to Benjamin were straight-up Jericho, Bethhoglah, and the valley of Keziz.
22. And yo, there’s Betharabah, Zemaraim, and Bethel, you know?
23. Then there’s Avim, Parah, and Ophrah, got it?
24. Plus, there were Chepharhaammonai, Ophni, and Gaba, you know? Twelve cities and all, each with their own little villages, too, you know?
25. Yo, check it, we got Gibeon, Ramah, and Beeroth, you feel me?
26. Oh, and don’t forget Mizpeh, Chephirah, and Mozah, like, they’re part of the deal too, ya know?
27. And then there’s Rekem, Irpeel, and Taralah, like, they’re in the mix too, you dig?
28. Plus, there’s Zelah, Eleph, and Jebusi, which we’re calling Jerusalem now, and Gibeath, and Kirjath. That’s like fourteen cities, along with all the lands around ’em. So basically, that’s what the tribe of Benjamin scored for their turf, each fam getting their own slice.

Joshua 19

1. So, like, the next squad on the list was Simeon’s crew. They snagged their turf, you know, according to their fams and all. And guess what? Their spot was smack dab inside the land that belonged to Judah’s crew.
2. They scored Beersheba, or Sheba, and Moladah as their piece of the pie,
3. Plus Hazarshual, Balah, and Azem,
4. Oh, and Eltolad, Bethul, and Hormah were all in on the deal, ya know?
5. And then there’s Ziklag, Bethmarcaboth, and Hazarsusah, you dig?
6. Can’t forget about Bethlebaoth and Sharuhen, you know? Like, a grand total of thirteen cities and their hood, all chillin’ together, feel me?
7. Yo, peep this, there’s Ain, Remmon, Ether, and Ashan, four lit cities with all their chill vibes and cozy hood:
8. So, like, all the chill towns near these cities up to Baalathbeer and Ramath down south? Yeah, that’s the spot claimed by the Simeon tribe, passed down to their fams.
9. And yo, peep this, the crew from Judah had so much land it was like, overwhelming. So, they were like, “Here you go, Simeon fam, take some of this inheritance too, we can’t handle it all.”
10. Then it was Zebulun’s turn, you feel? They pulled the third lot, and it was all about their fam lines. Their turf stretched all the way to Sarid, setting the boundaries.
11. So, they jetted towards the sea, hitting up Maralah and stretching out to Dabbasheth, reaching the river by Jokneam;
12. From Sarid, they headed east, where the sun does its thing, all the way to Chislothtabor. Then it keeps rolling to Daberath and climbs up to Japhia.
13. So, it stretches eastward to Gittahhepher, to Ittahkazin, and wraps up near Remmonmethoar close to Neah;
14. Then it swings around the north to Hannathon, and finishes up in the valley of Jiphthahel.
15. Oh, and yo, there were Kattath, Nahallal, Shimron, Idalah, and Bethlehem, ya feel? Like, these were twelve lit cities along with their squad of villages.
16. That’s what the crew of Zebulun got as their inheritance, you dig? These dope cities and all their chill villages, fam.
17. And then, like, the fourth draw was Issachar, ya know? Like, they copped the land and stuff for the children of Issachar and all their peeps.
18. Their turf stretched out to Jezreel, Chesulloth, and Shunem,
19. And also, Hapharaim, and Shion, and Anaharath,
20. Plus, I stumbled upon Rabbith, Kishion, and Abez,
21. Remeth was in there too, and Engannim, Enhaddah, and Bethpazzez, you feel?
22. The territory stretched to Tabor, Shahazimah, and Bethshemesh, and all the way to the Jordan River – that’s sixteen cities and their hood.
23. So, the tribe of Issachar scored this setup for their turf, you know, based on their fam connections and all – the cities and towns they bagged.
24. The fifth chunk of land got picked for the Asher crew, you know, for their fam and all.
25. Their turf included Helkath, Hali, Beten, and Achshaph,
26. Plus, Alammelech, Amad, and Misheal; and the vibe stretches out to Carmel in the west and Shihorlibnath.
27. Then it heads east to Bethdagon, extending to Zebulun and the valley of Jiphthahel on the north side of Bethemek. It also ropes in Neiel and ends at Cabul on the left side.
28. Can’t forget Hebron, Rehob, Hammon, and Kanah, all the way to the lit city of Zidon;
29. Then the coastline shifts towards Ramah and the dope city Tyre, and edges towards Hosah, reaching all the way to the sea, from the coast to Achzib.
30. Oh, and there were also Ummah, Aphek, and Rehob – a total of twenty-two cities with their chill spots.
31. So, peep this: the tribe of Asher scored big time with their inheritance. They’re all about these lit cities and the chill villages that come with ’em.
32. Next up, it was the Naphtali crew’s turn, keepin’ it all in the fam, ya feel?
33. Their turf stretches from Heleph all the way to Allon, Zaanannim, Adami, Nekeb, and Jabneel, then slides on down to Lakum, hittin’ up the Jordan River.
34. From there, it’s coastin’ westward to Aznothtabor, then onto Hukkok, touchin’ Zebulun in the south, and linking up with Asher in the west, before meetin’ Judah by the Jordan River towards the sunrise.
35. Check it, these cities are locked down tight: Ziddim, Zer, Hammath, Rakkath, and Chinnereth,
36. Yo, peep Adamah, Ramah, and Hazor,
37. Oh, and don’t forget Kedesh, Edrei, and Enhazor, you know?
38. And, like, there were these lit cities, man, like Iron, Migdalel, Horem, Bethanath, and Bethshemesh, yo! That’s a total of nineteen chill cities with their cozy villages, you know?
39. That’s the scoop on what the tribe of Naphtali got in their bag. Cities and villages for each of their fams.
40. So, check it, the last tribe to claim their territory was Dan, you know? It was all laid out, according to their fams and all that jazz.
41. So, like, their stomping grounds stretched from Zorah, Eshtaol, and Irshemesh,
42. to Shaalabbin, Ajalon, and Jethlah,
43. Even Elon, Thimnathah, and Ekron,
44. Oh, and don’t forget Eltekeh, Gibbethon, and Baalath, okay?
45. Jehud, Beneberak, and Gathrimmon were also in their mix, fam!
46. Mejarkon and Rakkon were, like, right next to Japho. Yeah, across the way. And yo, Japho is also called Joppa, FYI.
47. So, the turf the tribe of Dan scored wasn’t cutting it for them. They were like, ‘We need more!’ So, they threw down with Leshem and came out on top. Swords were swinging, and they took over Leshem, setting up shop there and calling it Dan, after their pops Dan.
48. That’s the deal with what the tribe of Dan got for their slice of the pie, you feel? Bunch of cities, villages, and all that jazz.
49. After divvying up the land for everyone else, they hooked up Joshua, son of Nun, with a sweet spot too:
50. ‘Cause, like, God said it, they gave him the city he was eyeing, Timnathserah in mount Ephraim. And dude went ahead and built it up, made it his spot.
51. Boom, check it, these are the territories that Eleazar the priest, Joshua the son of Nun, and the big shots from each tribe carved out as their piece. They drew straws in Shiloh, right up in front of the LORD’s hangout, aka the tabernacle. And that’s a wrap, folks, land divided and all.

Joshua 20

1. Yo, check it, the LORD straight up had a chat with Joshua like,
2. Yo, listen up, Israel crew! God’s dropping a message for y’all. He’s saying, pick some safe spots, like cities of refuge, just like He told Moses back in the day.
3. If someone accidentally takes a life without knowing, they can bounce to those designated spots and find safety from anyone out for revenge.
4. So, like, when someone rolls up to one of those dope cities, they gotta hit up the entrance and rap with the OGs of the city about what went down. And if it checks out, they’ll totally let them crash and set them up with a place to crash. How awesome is that?
5. And if someone on a revenge trip comes after them, they shouldn’t hand over the person who accidentally did it and didn’t have beef with them before.
6. And they gotta kick it in that city until they stand before the crew for a judgment, until the head honcho, the high priest, passes away. Then the one who accidentally caused someone’s death can bounce back to their hood, their own crib, to the city they dipped from.
7. So, they set up Kedesh in Galilee on Mount Naphtali, and Shechem on Mount Ephraim, and Kirjatharba (also known as Hebron) in the hills of Judah.
8. And on the other side of the Jordan, by Jericho out east, they marked Bezer in the boonies, from the Reuben tribe, Ramoth in Gilead from the Gad tribe, and Golan in Bashan from the Manasseh tribe.
9. These were the cities set for all the Israel fam, and for any out-of-towner kicking it with them. If anyone accidentally takes a life, they can jet to these cities and dodge getting taken out by the revenge crew, until they face the community court.

Joshua 21

1. So, like, the main Levite crew, you know, the OGs of the tribes, they rolled up to Eleazar the priest and Joshua, son of Nun. They were also kicking it with the big dogs from the different tribes of Israel.
2. They were vibing at Shiloh in Canaan, and they were all like, “Yo, the LORD dropped this word through Moses saying we need some spots to crash, you feel? And our cattle need some room too, so we need suburbs.”
3. So, like, the Israel crew hooked up the Levites with some land, because that’s what the Big Guy upstairs said. These cities and their chill ‘hoods were all given to the Levites.
4. And they threw down some dice to figure out which Kohathite fams got what: Aaron’s descendants, who were part of the Levites, scored cities through a lucky draw from the tribes of Judah, Simeon, and Benjamin – that’s a total of thirteen spots.
5. The rest of the Kohath crew snagged their pads through the city raffle too. Some landed in Ephraim’s turf, others in Dan’s, and a handful in the half-tribe of Manasseh. Ten cities in total, you know?
6. So, the Gershonites lucked out with thirteen cities, drawn by lots, from the squads of Issachar, Asher, Naphtali, and the half-tribe of Manasseh in Bashan.
7. So, like, the Merari fam, Reuben squad, Gad crew, and Zebulun tribe peeps scored themselves a dozen rad cities.
8. The Israelites were vibing, drawing lots and all, to hand over these cities and chill spots to the Levites. They were just following the playbook the LORD dropped through Moses, ya feel?
9. Alright, they picked some spots from Judah and Simeon’s turf. Here’s the ones they name-dropped, you dig?
10. The Aaron fam, repping the Kohathites crew, from the Levi tribe, snagged some prime real estate. It was top-notch, ’cause they got the VIP treatment.
11. They hooked them up with Arba’s city, Anak’s pops, aka Hebron, nestled in Judah’s hills. Plus, all the chill areas around. (Or, Kirjatharba, if you wanna get fancy)
12. Bruh, they straight up blessed Caleb, Jephunneh’s offspring, with fields and hood of the city as his own. No joke.
13. Aaron’s squad got Hebron and its chill surroundings, making it a safe zone for accidental mishaps. Libnah and its chill surroundings were thrown in too.
14. And you got Jattir, the whole crew’s chilling there, and Eshtemoa, you know, with all its chill vibes.
15. And Holon, you know, and all the chill suburbs around it, and Debir, which is also known as Hilen and stuff, with its suburbs.
16. And Ain, you know, with all its chill suburbs, and Juttah, like, with its rad suburbs, and oh yeah, Bethshemesh with its epic suburbs; a total of nine cities from those two tribes. Ain, by the way, is also known as Ashan.
17. And from the tribe of Benjamin, we had Gibeon and its nearby areas, Geba (also known as Gaba) and its nearby areas.
18. So there were four cities: Anathoth and its suburbs, Almon (also known as Alemeth) and its suburbs.
19. So, like, all the cities that belonged to Aaron’s crew, the priests, were a total of thirteen cities and their chill outskirts.
20. So, like, the Kohathites, who were from the tribe of Levi, y’know, they were given cities to live in that were in the land belonging to the tribe of Ephraim.
21. They gave Shechem and its surrounding areas in mount Ephraim as a safe haven for the person who accidentally killed someone; and also Gezer with its surrounding areas.
22. And like, Kibzaim was totally there with its chill neighborhoods, along with Bethhoron and its suburbs, making it a total of four hip cities.
23. And from the tribe of Dan, we got Eltekeh and Gibbethon, along with all their chill neighborhoods.
24. Aijalon, chillin’ with her crew, Gathrimmon, kickin’ it with her posse; four sick cities.
25. And from the half tribe of Manasseh, we’ve got Tanach and her surrounding areas, and Gathrimmon with her surrounding areas; two cities in total.
26. So, like, all the cities, ya know, there were ten of ’em, and they had these cool suburbs for the families of the children of Kohath that were still around.
27. And to the Gershon crew, from the Levite fams, reppin’ half of Manasseh, they hooked up Golan in Bashan with its hood, as a safe zone for a homie who accidentally killed someone; and Beeshterah with its hood too, two chill cities.
28. From the Issachar fam, we got Kishon with its chill neighborhoods and Dabareh with its lit suburbs,
29. Jarmuth and Engannim, along with the places around them, all together make up four cool cities.
30. And from the Asher fam, we got Mishal and her crew, Abdon and his squad,
31. Helkath and its chill hangouts, and Rehob with its dope hangouts; four lit cities.
32. And Naphtali’s crew claimed Kedesh in Galilee as their chill hangout spot, where you could escape the heat if you accidentally took someone out. They also had Hammothdor and Kartan as their backup venues – three happening cities in total.
33. So, like, the Gershonites had a total of thirteen cities with their suburbs, ya know, all divided according to their fams and stuff.
34. To the squad of the Merari fam, the leftover Levites from Zebulun’s tribe, they got Jokneam and Kartah with their chill neighborhoods.
35. Dimnah and its surrounding areas, Nahalal and its surrounding areas, four cities.
36. And from the squad of Reuben, Bezer with its chill hangouts, and Jahazah with its trendy spots,
37. Kedemoth flexin’ with its surroundings, and Mephaath be vibin’ with its surroundings; a total of four lit cities.
38. And from the tribe of Gad, we got Ramoth in Gilead with its chill neighborhood, as a safe spot for someone who accidentally took a life; and Mahanaim with its cool hangout spots.
39. Heshbon and its surrounding areas, Jazer and its surrounding areas; a total of four cities.
40. So, like, all the cool cities that the peeps from the fam of Merari, you know, the leftover Levites, got assigned in, like, a lottery, were a solid twelve cities.
41. So, basically, the Israelite peeps had a total of 48 cities including the chill Levites in their hood, complete with their suburbs and all. No cap.
42. These cities had their suburbs all around them: that’s how all these cities were.
43. So, like, God totally hooked up Israel with all the land that He promised to their ancestors, and they actually got to live there and make it their home, no cap.
44. And God totally hooked them up with chill vibes all around, just like He promised their parents. None of their enemies could even bring it; God totally handed over all their enemies to them.
45. God totally came through on all the awesome things He promised to the Israelites. Every single one of ’em happened, no doubt!

Joshua 22

1. So Joshua slid into the Reubenites, Gadites, and Manasseh squad (half tribe) group chat,
2. And he was like, ‘Ayy, you guys totally nailed every single thing that Moses, the servant of the LORD, laid down. And you know what? You’ve been rocking with me too, doing everything I asked. Big ups, fam!
3. You haven’t ghosted your crew for ages, staying true to keeping God’s commandments.
4. Yo, fam! Peep this, the LORD your God has totally blessed your squad with some sick downtime, just like He promised, ya feel? So it’s time for y’all to dip and head back to your tents and vibe in the land that Moses, the servant of the LORD, hooked y’all up with on the other side of Jordan. Yeah, you got this, my dudes!
5. Yo, listen up and focus on this: always stick to the commandments and laws laid down by Moses, who was the Lord’s servant. It’s all about showing love and loyalty to the Almighty, by living by His ways, keeping His commandments, riding with Him through thick and thin, and fully committing yourself to serving Him with all your heart and soul.
6. So Joshua gave them a shoutout, and let them bounce: and they went back to their crib, chillin’ and feelin’ blessed.
7. So, like, Moses hooked up part of the tribe of Manasseh with some land in Bashan, but Joshua was like, nah, let’s give the other half of the tribe some prime real estate on this side of the Jordan in the west. And when Joshua sent them back to their homes, he totally blessed them, you know, sent them off with good vibes.
8. And he was like, yo, head back to your tents and bring back stacks of riches. Round up plenty of cattle, silver, gold, brass, iron, and some dope threads too. Don’t forget to spread the wealth from your conquests with your squad.
9. Then the crew of Reuben, Gad, and half of Manasseh dipped out from the Israel fam in Shiloh, in the lit land of Canaan, to head to Gilead, their turf, just like the LORD told ’em through Moses.
10. So, when they hit the outskirts of Jordan, which is in Canaan, the peeps from Reuben, Gad, and half of Manasseh set up a sick altar by the river, and let me tell you, it was MASSIVE!
11. Yo, so, like, news spread among the Israelites that the Reubenites, Gadites, and half of the Manassites went and built this lit altar across from Canaan, near the Jordan River where we were rolling through.
12. And when we found out about it, all the Israel crew gathered at Shiloh, ready to go head-to-head in battle with them.
13. So we hit up the Reubenites, Gadites, and half the Manasseh squad who were posted up in Gilead, and asked Phinehas, Eleazar’s son and priest, to slide through.
14. And he rolled with ten squad leaders, one from each major household in all the tribes of Israel. Each one was reppin’ their fam’s house, among the thousands of Israel.
15. So they pulled up on the Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh’s half tribe crew, specifically in the land of Gilead, and chopped it up with them, saying,
16. Yo, peep this, fam! The whole squad up in the heavens is like, “What’s the deal with y’all pulling this shady move on the big man upstairs? Why you gotta bounce on Him today and start flexing with your own altar, trying to spark a rebellion against the big G?”
17. Check it, the sin of Peor ain’t no joke for us. We still ain’t shook it, even after all this time. And yo, there was a straight-up plague hitting hard among the Lord’s crew.
18. So, you seriously thinking about ghosting the LORD today? Like, if you straight-up rebel against the LORD now, don’t even trip ’cause tomorrow He’s gonna be lit AF, totally furious with the whole Israel squad.
19. So, if your turf is all messed up, you should roll to the Lord’s turf, where His tabernacle is, and chill with us. But yo, don’t play yourself by building your own altar next to our God’s altar, aight?
20. Yo, remember when Achan, Zerah’s son, messed up big time? Dude went and swiped some forbidden loot, and because of that, the whole Israel crew got slammed. And let me tell you, homie didn’t ride solo with the consequences for his screw-up.
21. So, like, the crew from Reuben, Gad, and, you know, half of Manasseh, they were like, ‘Yo, leaders of Israel, listen up!’
22. Our amazing God, the real MVP, knows all, and He’s totally checking out Israel; if they’re messing up, don’t bail them out today,
23. If we’ve gone off-road with some altar action, ditching our loyalty to the LORD, or if we’re all about those burnt offerings or fancy food offerings, or even throwing down some peace offerings there, God’s gonna call us on it, no doubt.
24. And if we punked out because we were shook about what the future might bring, worried that your future kids might grill our future kids, ‘What’s the deal with the God of Israel?’
25. Since God drew a line at the Jordan River, saying, ‘No chill for Reuben and Gad’s crew,’ y’all ain’t getting a piece of God’s action. And trust, your kids will influence ours to ghost God.
26. So, we were like, let’s set up an altar game, but not for sacrifices or any of that jazz:
27. So, we’re making this receipt for all of us, you, and future generations. We’re showing we’re down for the LORD by keeping up with our burnt offerings, sacrifices, and peace offerings. That way, our future fam can’t diss us and say we’re not connected to the LORD.
28. We were like, cool, here’s the deal: in the future, when people ask us or our crew about it, we can totally flex the altar blueprint our dads whipped up. But just so you know, it’s not for burning stuff or sacrifices. It’s more like a symbol of our tight bond with y’all.
29. No way we’re ditching the LORD today just to set up our own altar for offerings and sacrifices, like seriously, bro, right next to the LORD’s altar in front of His spot.
30. So, Phinehas, the priest dude, and the OG leaders of the Israel squad, heard what the homies from the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh were saying, and they were totally vibing with it. It was like, good vibes all around, ya know?
31. Yo, Phinehas, son of Eleazar the priest, straight up told the homies from Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh that today we can totally tell the LORD is with us because you didn’t mess up by doing something against the LORD. So basically, you’ve like totally saved the children of Israel from getting on the LORD’s bad side. Like, for real.
32. Phinehas, son of Eleazar the priest, along with the bosses, bounced back from chilling with the homies from Reuben and Gad in Gilead and dipped back to Canaan to give the children of Israel the latest scoop.
33. The Israelites were totally chill with it, and they gave mad props to God. They had no plans to start beef and wreck the land where the homies from Reuben and Gad were posted up.
34. So, like, the kids of Reuben and Gad named the altar ‘Ed’ because it’s supposed to, like, symbolize that the LORD is our God and, you know, it’s, like, a legit testimony and all. ‘Ed’ means, like, a witness and stuff.

Joshua 23

1. So, like, ages went by after the big man upstairs gave Israel a chill pill from all those enemies who were causing chaos, and Joshua, he was getting up there, like, really up there, in years.
2. So Joshua gathered the whole fam of Israel, from the OGs to the squad, and he was like, ‘Listen up, peeps, I’ve been around, and I’m not getting any younger.’
3. And you’ve seen all the epic moves the LORD your God pulled on those other nations because of you; ’cause the LORD your God has been totally holding it down for you.
4. Hey fam, check it out. I’ve divvied up these leftover territories among y’all by drawing lots, so you can claim them as your turf for each tribe. It’s from the Jordan River, all the way to the sunset where I’ve taken care of the other nations. #blessed #landgrab
5. And God’s gonna boot them outta here, get them out of your sight, and you’ll totally score their land just like God said.
6. So, like, you gotta be mega brave and stick to everything written in the book of the law of Moses, ya feel? Don’t go wandering off to the right or left, just stay laser-focused and stay strong!
7. Don’t chill with these other nations still hanging around. Don’t even talk about their gods or swear by them. Don’t worship them or bow down to them.
8. Keep it 100 with the Most High, just like you been from day one.
9. Yo, God straight up flexed and kicked out all those big nations for you. And, like, nobody could even step to you till now. That’s some serious power moves, fam!
10. Listen up, squad! Just one of you can straight up dominate over a whole thousand. Why? ‘Cause the almighty LORD, your God, got your back and throws down for you, just like He promised. Periodt.
11. So, like, make sure you’re mad careful to love the LORD your God with all your soul, aight?
12. But if y’all start hanging with those leftover nations, getting cozy with them, and, you know, getting down and dirty together…
13. Yo, fam, gotta lay it straight. The big guy upstairs, aka the LORD your God, ain’t gonna boot any of those nations out in front of you no more. They gonna be like straight-up traps and whips on your back, poking you in the eyes like crazy thorns, until you straight up dip from this lit land the LORD your God hooked you up with.
14. Yo, listen up! Today, I’m about to bounce like everyone does eventually. But deep down, in your hearts and souls, you know that every single lit thing that the LORD your God promised has totally come true. Not one of those things has fallen through the cracks or been left undone.
15. So, basically, here’s the deal: just like all the dope stuff that God promised would go down actually went down, now it’s time for the not-so-dope stuff. God’s gonna bring some whack things your way until you’re straight up outta this awesome land that God hooked you up with.
16. If you break the deal with the LORD your God that he told you to follow by worshiping other gods and bowing down to them, it’s gonna make the LORD real mad and you’ll peace out real quick from the dope land he gave to you.

Joshua 24

1. So Joshua gathered all the Israel squads in Shechem, calling out the OGs, the top shots, the judges, and the VIPs. And they all rolled up to vibe in front of God.
2. Joshua was like, ‘Listen up, fam. This is the word from the LORD God of Israel: Back in the day, your ancestors were chilling on the other side of that massive river. I’m talking about Terah, Abraham’s pops, and Nachor’s too. They were all about worshipping other gods, you feel me?
3. So, I straight up chose your boy Abraham from across that flood and led him all around Canaan, yo! And, no cap, I made his crew multiply like crazy and blessed him with a son named Isaac.
4. Isaac had two sons, Jacob and Esau. I hooked Esau up with this lit spot called Mount Seir, but Jacob and his squad dipped down to Egypt for a minute.
5. So, Moses and Aaron got sent by me, and I brought chaos to Egypt with all those wild plagues. But no stress, after that mad journey, I came through and saved y’all, leading you out of there.
6. So, picture this: I come through, swoopin’ in to save your ancestors from Egypt, and y’all are posted up by the sea, right? And then boom! Egyptians roll up with their fancy chariots and horse squad, thinking they’re hot stuff, ’til they hit up against the Red Sea. Wild, huh?!
7. Then, when your crew hits up the LORD, He’s like, “Hold my metaphorical beer,” and drops some darkness between y’all and the Egyptians. Next thing you know, He’s parting the sea like it’s no biggie, drowning those Egyptian pursuers. And you’re just there, witnessing the sickest miracles in Egypt, while chilling in the wilderness for a minute.
8. Fast forward, I lead you to this spot called the land of the Amorites, on the flip side of the Jordan River. They try to throw down with you, but I straight-up hand their butts to you on a platter, so you can claim their turf as yours. And guess what? I straight-up wipe ’em out, right in front of your eyes. No competition, just domination.
9. So, there’s this dude Balak, son of Zippor, reppin’ Moab, acting all tough, starting beef with Israel. And he’s like, “Hey, Balaam, son of Beor, I need you to drop some curses on these fools for me!”
10. But I straight-up ghosted Balaam’s advice, and he still ended up blessing you. That’s how I kept you out of his grip.
11. So you hustled across the Jordan River and rolled into Jericho, and the Jericho crew came at you hard. They were throwing down like the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites. But yo, I served them up on a platter for you. Like, mission accomplished.
12. I straight-up sent a swarm of killer hornets to clear the path, kicking those dudes outta your way. And check it—those two Amorite kings? Yeah, I didn’t even need you to flex with your sword or bow. They were done-zo without ’em, no cap.
13. So basically, I hooked you up with this lit land that you didn’t even have to grind for. You got cities you didn’t even have to build, and now you’re posted in ’em. You’re munching on vineyards and olive groves you didn’t even bother planting. Enjoy the fruits of my labor, squad!
14. So listen up, crew. It’s time to show some mad respect to the LORD and serve Him with straight-up authenticity and honesty. We gotta ditch all those idols our ancestors used to vibe with back in the day, whether it was all over the place or back in Egypt. It’s all about repping the LORD now, no questions asked.
15. Yo, if you ain’t vibin’ with serving the LORD, that’s cool, you do you! But choose now who you’re gonna roll with – the OG gods your fam used to worship, or the gods of the Amorites whose turf you’re crashin’ on. As for me and my squad, we’re stickin’ with the LORD.
16. And the people were like, nah, we ain’t bouncin’ on the LORD to worship other gods!
17. Bro, the LORD our God straight up rescued us and our ancestors from Egypt, ya feel? We were straight up trapped, but God pulled off some epic miracles right before our eyes. He had our backs the whole time we were wandering, even when we bumped into all these different crews.
18. And, yo, God straight up kicked out all those Amorite homies from the land. So, yeah, we’re gonna ride with the LORD ’cause He’s our God, no cap!
19. And Joshua was like, listen up, fam, there’s no way we can front on the LORD, ’cause He’s, like, mad holy and kinda possessive too. So, don’t think He’s just gonna let slide all your screw-ups and sins, ’cause that’s not His vibe. Just so you know, holy God in Hebrew is like holy Gods or somethin’.
20. If you dip on the LORD and start thirstin’ for random gods, He’s gonna dip on you and wreck your vibe big time, even after He’s been mad chill with you.
21. And the crew was like, ‘Nah, Joshua, we’re with you. We’re staying true, serving up the LORD.’
22. Joshua was like, ‘Listen up, fam, y’all know you chose the LORD as numero uno. And the people were like, ‘Totally, we’re witnesses to that.’
23. So, yeah, ditch those funky gods you’ve been hanging with, and focus your heart on the LORD God of Israel.
24. The squad was like, ‘Yo, Joshua, we’re in to serve the LORD our God and vibe with His voice, no cap.’
25. Joshua, like, sealed the deal with the people that day, dropping some rules and wisdom in Shechem.
26. He wrote down these words in God’s law book and set up a big rock next to the Lord’s spot.
27. Joshua was like, ‘Yo, fam, check it! This rock right here, it’s our witness. It’s heard everything the Lord’s said. So don’t even front on your God, ’cause this rock’s got the receipts and it’s gonna back us up.’
28. So Joshua was like, ‘Aight, y’all can dip and head back to your own turf.’
29. After all that went down, Joshua, son of Nun, a true servant of the LORD, passed away at 110, keeping it real.
30. They laid him to rest in Timnathserah, in the Ephraim mountains, on the chill north side of Gaash Hill.
31. Yo, Israel was all about the LORD when Joshua was running the show. And even after Joshua and the OG elders bounced, the ones who saw all the sick stuff the LORD did for Israel, they stayed true. Crazy, right? That’s some next-level dedication, fam.
32. The Israelites brought Joseph’s bones up from Egypt and gave him a dope burial in Shechem. Jacob copped the land from Hamor’s kids for a hundred silver coins. That spot was locked in for Joseph’s crew. (Oh, and those coins? They’re basically lambs, just FYI.)
33. So Eleazar, Aaron’s homie, passed on, and they laid him to rest on a hill that Phinehas, his kid, scored in Mount Ephraim.