Jonah

Jonah 1

1. Yo, check it, God hit up Jonah, Amittai’s kid, and was like, ‘Yo Jonah, listen up!’ (BTW, Jonah’s also known as Jonas in Greek.)
2. Aight, get up and roll to Nineveh, that mega city, and straight-up call ’em out; ’cause their wicked ways are all up in my face.
3. But Jonah totally ghosted God and jetted to Tarshish. He hit up Joppa and lucked out finding a ship cruising the same way. He dropped some cash, hopped on board, and basically dipped outta God’s sight.
4. Yo, the LORD sent this huge wind on the sea, and it caused this crazy storm that almost wrecked the ship.
5. The sailors were freaking out, scared as heck, and each of them started praying to their own gods. They threw all the cargo overboard to lighten the ship. Meanwhile, Jonah went down into the belly of the ship and crashed out hard.
6. Then the captain came up to him and was like, ‘Hey man! What’s up with you sleeping? Get up and pray to your God! Maybe if we all pray, God will save us from going under.’
7. So they were like, ‘Yo guys, let’s draw straws or somethin’ to figure out who’s to blame for this mess.’ So they did, and Jonah got the short end.
8. They were like, ‘Hey, spill the tea, man. What’s your deal? Where you from? What’s your background, fam?’
9. Yo, listen up fam, I gotta keep it real with ya. I’m reppin’ the Hebrew squad, and I got mad respect for the Most High, the big Boss upstairs who made everything – the oceans and the solid ground, ya dig? (Oh, and when I say the LORD, I mean JEHOVAH, just so you know what’s up).
10. The dudes were mega scared and were like, “Dude, why’d you do that?” They figured out he was dodging God ’cause he had spilled.
11. They asked him, “What should we do to calm this ocean down? It’s going wild.”
12. And he’s like, “Yo guys, toss me into the sea, and it’ll calm down ’cause I know this crazy storm’s on account of me.”
13. But these dudes were going all out to row back to land, but it was a total fail. The sea was raging against them, like, totally fierce. #epicstruggle
14. So they cried out to the LORD, like, “Yo God, we’re begging you, please don’t let us die ’cause of this guy. Don’t hold us accountable for taking his innocent life, ’cause, you know, you do what you gotta do, Lord.”
15. So they straight-up tossed Jonah into the ocean, and the waves were like, ‘Chill.’
16. The dudes were so shook that they decided to show serious devotion to the LORD by sacrificing and making vows. #devoted
17. So, like, God had this massive fish ready to swallow Jonah. And Jonah ended up chillin’ in the fish’s belly for, like, three whole days and nights.

Jonah 2

1. Yo, so Jonah’s stuck inside this massive fish, right? And he’s like, ‘God, I seriously need your help in here!’
2. So, like, I was going through some rough stuff and I reached out to the LORD, and He totally heard me, dude! I felt like I was in this super dark place, crying out, and guess what? He totally listened to me, man!
3. Bro, I was thrown into the deep end, surrounded by the sea and these huge waves crashing over me. It was like I was swallowed up by this insane flood, with wave after wave just pounding me. (BTW, ‘midst’ in Hebrew means deep inside.)
4. Dude, I’m feeling totally abandoned, but you know what? I’m gonna keep my eyes locked on your super sacred temple anyway.
5. I was totally surrounded by water, man, like it was suffocating! The deep sea closed in on me and seaweed tangled up my head.
6. So, I found myself in the deepest parts of the mountains, totally trapped with no way out, feeling hopeless. But you, my God, rescued me from eternal despair and gave me a second shot at life. Thank you, Lord!
7. When I was totally beat and worn out, I remembered the LORD, and my prayer reached up to you, into your holy dwelling.
8. If you’re all about fake stuff, you’re totally missing out on the love and grace meant for you.
9. But I’m gonna give mad props to you with a grateful shoutout; I’m gonna keep my promises. The LORD is legit when it comes to salvation.
10. So God was like, hey fish, spit Jonah out on solid ground.

Jonah 3

1. Yo, so God hit up Jonah again, right? Here’s how it went down,
2. “Yo, get up and bounce to Nineveh, that dope city, and spread the message I’m giving you.”
3. Jonah was like, “Bet, I’m out!” and dipped straight to Nineveh as God had said. Now, check it, Nineveh was a mega city that would legit take three days to walk through. Crazy huge, you feel me?
4. So Jonah walks into the city, hustling all day, and starts shouting, “Yo, listen up! In just forty days, Nineveh’s gonna be straight up wrecked!”
5. So, like, everyone in Nineveh gets on board with God, and they’re like, “We gotta fast,” and they all rockin’ sackcloth, from the big shots to even the little homies.
6. Then the word gets to the king of Nineveh, and he’s like, “Whoa, we gotta do something!” He jumps off his throne, strips off his fancy robe, throws on sackcloth, and sits in ashes. Talk about a major turnaround, right?
7. So the king and his crew were like, “Yo, all y’all in Nineveh, listen up! Here’s the deal: Nobody, I mean nobody – not even the pets – eats or drinks a thing. Let’s all fast and get real disciplined, no food or water, you dig? #selfcontrol”
8. But, like, everyone – humans and even the animals – gotta rock sackcloth and straight up cry out to God. Yeah, everybody needs to, like, seriously change their ways and, you know, stop with all the violence and stuff.
9. Like, who knows if God will chill and flip the script, and decide not to be so mad, so we don’t totally get wiped out, you know?
10. And God was like, “Check it out, they totally turned things around and quit their evil ways.” So God was like, “Nah, I’m not gonna bring down the punishment I said I would.” And He kept it real, for sure.

Jonah 4

1. Jonah was seriously upset and really angry.
2. So he prayed to the LORD, saying, “Hey, LORD, you remember when I told you upfront back home? That’s why I jetted to Tarshish. I knew you’re super chill, patient, and all about forgiveness with evil and stuff.”
3. LORD, just end me now, please. I’d rather die than go on living.
4. Then God said, “Is it right for you to be so angry?”
5. So Jonah left the city and found a spot east of it. He made himself a shelter there and sat in its shade, waiting to see what would happen to the city.
6. God then provided a plant, and it grew up over Jonah to give shade for his head and ease his discomfort. Jonah was very happy about the plant.
7. But then God sent a worm early the next morning, and it completely destroyed the plant, causing it to wither away.
8. So when the sun rose, God also sent this intense east wind. The sun beat down on Jonah’s head so hard that he was about to pass out and seriously wished he could just die. He literally said, “I would rather die than go on living like this.” (And btw, that strong wind came out of nowhere, silently creeping in.)
9. Then God said, “Is it right for you to be so upset about the plant?” And Jonah replied, “I totally have every reason to be furious, even to the point of death.”
10. But God said, “You cared about the plant, even though you didn’t work for it or make it grow. It appeared overnight and died overnight.
11. “And shouldn’t I feel sorry for Nineveh, that huge city? There are more than 120,000 people living there who don’t know right from wrong, and lots of animals too!”