Jeremiah - Gen Z Bible

Jeremiah 1

Yo, peeps! Listen up to Jeremiah, son of Hilkiah, a priest reppin’ from Anathoth in the land of Benjamin. He’s got some real talk to drop:
So, check it, this is when the big man upstairs, the LORD, hit up Josiah, son of Amon, while he was holdin’ it down as king of Judah. Went down in the thirteenth year of his reign, straight up.
So, like, this whole deal went down when Jehoiakim, son of Josiah, was king of Judah. It lasted until the eleventh year of Zedekiah, another son of Josiah, who also took the throne. And it kept rollin’ until Jerusalem got taken over, and its peeps got snagged up in the fifth month.
So, God slid into my DMs and was all like,
Yo, check it, even before you were cookin’ in the womb, I already had you on my radar; even before you popped into this world, I had big plans for you, set you apart, and tagged you as a prophet to all the nations.
So, I was straight-up talkin’ to the big man upstairs, like, “Yo, Lord GOD! Peep this, I’m barely even rockin’ the training wheels on my speech, ’cause I’m just a kid, you feel me?”
But God was like, “Yo, chill. Don’t trip about being young, ’cause I’m sending you on a major mission, and you gotta preach what I lay down.”
Don’t sweat their reactions, ’cause I got your back and I’ll rescue you, says the LORD.
So, God hit me up and was like, “Check it, I’m blessing your mouth with my words.”
Listen up, fam! Today, I’m making you the top dog over all nations and kingdoms. Your gig? It’s all about tearing down the bad vibes and building up the good stuff. But no stress, you’ll also be planting seeds of change and growth. You’ve got this! 🌱
So, God slides into my DMs and goes, “Hey, Jeremiah, what’s the 411? What’s catching your eye?” And I’m like, “Dude, I’m vibing with this rad almond tree branch!”
And then God’s like, “You’re totally on point! I’m gonna make sure my promises pop off real quick.”
Then God hits me up again, like, “What’s the sitch? What’s in your viewfinder?” And I’m like, “I’m peeping a pot, bubbling away, pointed northward. Specifically, from the north.”
And God’s like, “Listen up, I’m giving you the heads-up: trouble’s brewing from up north, and it’s gonna hit everyone in the land. Buckle up!”
Yo, fam, peep this! The word from the man upstairs: I’m calling in the crew from up north, says the LORD. They’re gonna pull up and post up at Jerusalem’s gates, each staking out their own spot. They’ll be circling all the walls and towns of Judah.
And I’m about to drop some truth bombs on their wicked ways, ’cause they ghosted me and started bowing down to handmade idols and dumb stuff they cooked up themselves.
So, like, gear up and stand tall, and, like, spit out everything I lay on you to say to those peeps, dude. Don’t let their vibes psych you out, or I’ll straight-up call you out in front of them. #NoPressure #StayStrong
Yo, listen up! Today, I’m decking you out with some serious defense. You’re gonna be like a fortress, an unbreakable iron pillar, and walls forged from bronze. These barriers are gonna keep you secure from every angle, even against the top dogs of Judah—kings, rulers, priests, and all the people in the mix.
They’ll throw shade your way, but they won’t lay a finger on you; ’cause I’m riding shotgun with you, says the LORD, ready to swoop in and save the day.

Jeremiah 2

So, God slid into my DMs, like,
“Hey, hit up Jerusalem and drop this message from the Big Guy: ‘Remember back in the day when you were all about it? You were ride or die, chasing after me even when there was nothing popping off.’”
Israel was straight-up #blessed by the LORD, like, they were his VIP squad, ya feel? But let me tell you, anyone who tries to mess with them is gonna get some serious divine wrath, like, straight from the source. The LORD’s not playing around, he said it himself.
Yo, pay attention, fam! The LORD’s dropping some truth bombs for all y’all Jacob crew and every squad in Israel:
God’s like, “Why are your folks acting like I’m whack, ditching me for useless junk?”
And they’re all like, “Yo, where’s the Lord who saved us from Egypt and held our hands through all that wildness? We’re talking desert vibes, deep pits, droughts, even the valley of death! It’s so remote, no one’s ever been there, let alone lived in it!”
So, I’m setting you up with this sick land, overflowing with all kinds of dope food and blessings. But what do you do? The moment you set foot in it, you straight-up ruin it, turning my special gift into a total mess. Like, seriously?
The religious crew was all like, “Where’s the LORD at?” Even the ones who were supposed to be experts in the law didn’t even recognize me. The religious leaders totally dropped the ball, going against me, and the prophets were out there repping Baal, chasing stuff that didn’t do squat.
So, I’m gonna keep hitting you up, says the LORD. And I’ll keep reaching out to your kids and grandkids too, no joke.
Yo, peep what’s going down in Chittim and hit up Kedar. Keep your eyes peeled and see if anything’s popping off there. Straight up.
Bro, think about it. Has any nation ever ditched their real gods for some fake ones? But check this out, my squad traded in our lit glory for something totally worthless.
Yo, angels and all, get ready to be shook. It’s gonna be desolate, says the LORD.
Listen up, fam, my crew seriously dropped the ball. They ghosted me, the plug for that living water flow, and started crafting these busted fake tanks that can’t even hold a drip.
Is Israel just some servant or a lifelong slave? How did he get so messed up and wrecked? (I mean, seriously, what happened to him?)
These young lions came in hot, roaring and causing chaos, straight-up wrecking his turf. His cities got torched, and now it’s like a ghost town, no one’s left kicking. (screamed: Hebrew word for yelled real loud)
The crews from Noph and Tahapanes straight-up snatched your crown, took it to a whole new level. They devoured it, like, no joke.
Bro, ain’t this all on you for ghosting the LORD your God when he was leading the way?
And seriously, why you even messing with Egypt, craving their vibes and sipping from their streams? Or why you bothering with Assyria, sipping on their river waters?
Your own bad moves are gonna school you, and your mess-ups will straight-up call you out. Recognize and get that it’s messed up and not cool that you’ve turned your back on the LORD your God, showing no respect for me, says the Almighty God.
Yo, back in the day, I straight-up broke your control game, shattered those chains holding you back. And you were all like, ‘Nah, I won’t stray,’ but let’s be real, you were everywhere, hitting up every hilltop and chilling under shady trees, doing your own thing and acting a fool.
Bro, I hooked you up as this top-tier vine, with the best seeds and all. But now you’re out here acting like some twisted plant from a whole different vineyard. Like, what’s up with that, man?
Even if you use all the top-tier skincare and soap, your bad deeds are still clear as day to me, says the Lord GOD.
Yo, how you gonna say, ‘I’ve never done anything wrong, never worshipped fake gods’? Check yourself, fam! You’ve been running wild like a speedy camel, doing whatever you want.
a wild donkey, totally loving the freedom of the open fields. She’s all about catching that adventure vibe whenever she feels like it. Who could even think of stopping her when she’s in the zone? Anyone searching for her won’t quit because they know she’ll be right there when they need her. No changing her mind once she’s set on something!
Don’t go walking around barefoot or let yourself get parched, but you’re like, ‘Nah, it’s useless.’ You’re out here catching feelings for random people and you’re gonna keep chasing after them. No turning back.
Just like a thief feels all embarrassed when they get caught, the whole squad of Israel – the people, the leaders, the influencers, and the spiritual crew – they all feel that same kind of shame.
Y’all out here calling a piece of wood your dad and saying a rock gave birth to you? For real? You’re turning your backs on me, showing mad disrespect. But when stuff hits the fan, suddenly you’re like, ‘Oh, help us!’ Nah fam, I see right through that.
So, where are all those gods you made for yourselves? Let them step up if they can actually save you when you’re in trouble. With all the cities you’ve got, Judah, you sure have a ton of gods, huh?
Why you arguing with me? Y’all have messed up big time, says the LORD.
I’ve tried so hard to guide your kids, but it’s been a total fail. Your prophets, like fierce lions, have been taken down by your own violence.
Yo, listen up, everyone! Check out what the LORD has to say. Did I ever treat Israel like a wasteland or a dark place? So why are my peeps saying, ‘We run things now; we’re not coming back to You’?
Can a girl totally forget her jewelry, or a bride her stunning outfit? But here’s the tea: my squad has straight up ghosted me for way too many days.
Yo, why you tryna change yourself to find love? You’re just showing the bad ones how to be like you.
And look, even your clothes got stains of innocent blood from the poor. I didn’t even have to look hard to see it; it’s right there, obvious to everyone.
But you’re saying, “I didn’t mess up, so obviously he won’t be mad at me anymore.” Listen up, I’m gonna reason with you because you’re acting like you haven’t made any mistakes.
Why you keep flip-flopping on your path? You’re gonna regret Egypt just like you regretted Assyria.
Yeah, you gotta bounce from that situation, scratching your head and all. ‘Cause the Man upstairs ain’t vibing with your trust in that stuff, and you ain’t gonna come out on top.

Jeremiah 3

So, like, if this dude dumps his wife and she starts dating someone else, can he just swoop back in like nothing happened? That’s seriously messed up, like totally polluting the whole vibe. But even though you’ve been hooking up left and right, God’s like, come back to me, for real.
Yo, check out the cool places and see where you haven’t messed up. You’ve been hanging out in the hot spots, wandering like a nomad, and straight-up trashing the land with all your hookups and shady moves.
So, like, the rain hasn’t been coming down, and we haven’t seen any of that later rainfall, you feel me? And honestly, you’ve been acting pretty shameless, like with a forehead that’s not exactly known for purity. Just saying, no shame in owning up to it.
Yo, why don’t you hit me up now and be like, ‘Dad, you’ve been my day one since forever, you’ve always had my back’?
Is God gonna stay salty forever? Like, hold onto grudges forever and ever? Dude, you’ve been talking and doing messed up things, like going all out.
Yo, the LORD hit me up back in Josiah’s reign and was like, ‘You see what’s up with rebellious Israel? They’ve been hiking up every tall mountain, chilling under every lush tree, and straight up messing around.’
So, after she pulled all that, I was like, ‘Hey, come back to me.’ But she was like, ‘Nah, not happening.’ And then her sneaky sister, Judah, totally saw the whole thing go down.
So, I was totally keeping tabs, right? And I saw that because of all the messed up stuff Israel did, like seriously cheating on me, I had to break up with her and serve her with divorce papers and all. But then her shady sister Judah wasn’t scared at all and went ahead and did the same thing, acting like a total player.
So, because she was super loose, she totally messed up the land, cheating on her husband with objects and stuff. (BTW, ‘lightness’ means fame, just FYI.)
But even with all this, her unfaithful sister Judah hasn’t really come back to me with her whole heart, just faking it, says the LORD.
God was like, “Yo, Israel’s been stepping up, even though she’s been slipping, way more than Judah, who’s been real sketchy.”
“Hey, spread the word up north, tell ’em even though Israel messed up big time, God’s not gonna drop His wrath on ’em. He’s all about that mercy, you feel? He ain’t gonna stay mad forever. It’s all about forgiveness vibes, dude!”
“Just own up to your mistakes, how you’ve messed with the Lord your God. You’ve been wandering around, chasing after strangers under every tree. And guess what? You didn’t heed my words,” says the Lord.
“Hey, rebellious crew! God’s reaching out, like, ‘Yo, come back to me!’ ‘Cause I’m totally loyal to you, like, forever. I’ll pick a few from each city and a couple from every fam, and I’m bringing you all to Zion, the ultimate spot to be!”
“I’m gonna set you up with some rad shepherds who vibe with me totally—they’ll feed you with deep wisdom and understanding.”
“And in the days to come, when you’ve multiplied and settled in the land,” says the LORD, “folks won’t even chat about the ark of the covenant of the LORD. It won’t even cross their minds or be remembered; they won’t swing by to visit or do anything with it again.”
“When that day comes, everyone will see Jerusalem as the ultimate spot for the LORD. People from all nations will gather there, recognizing the incredible power of the LORD’s name in Jerusalem. And after that, they won’t be chasing after their stubborn, wicked desires anymore.”
“In those days, the crew from Judah will gel with the crew from Israel, linking up from the north to the land that I gave your ancestors as an enduring inheritance.”
“But yo, how can I treat you like my own child and hook you up with this epic land, the most awesome inheritance among all nations? You gotta recognize me as ‘Father’ and never turn away.”
In Hebrew, “from me” is like “from following me.” And “a goodly inheritance” is like the sickest inheritance ever, with mad glory and beauty. And “pleasant” is like a land where all your dreams come true.
“It’s like when a wife ghosts her husband—y’all been straight up betraying me, fam. That’s what the Lord’s sayin’ to the people of Israel, you dig?”
“Yo, up in the hills, there’s this sound of the Israel crew crying and praying. They’ve been off track, straight up forgetting about the LORD their God.”
“Yo, come back, all you wanderers, and I’ll sort out your mess. We’re coming to you because you’re our amazing God, Lord!”
“Seriously, you won’t find salvation by looking to hills or mountains. For real, the only place you’ll find salvation is in the LORD our God. He’s got Israel covered, no doubt about it.”
“It’s a major bummer, but our ancestors worked so hard for nothing. They hustled, raising livestock and building families, but now it’s all gone. Can’t believe it.”
“We’re feeling totally ashamed and lost because we messed up big time against the LORD our God. All of us, from our parents’ generation down to today, we’ve been at it, and we just haven’t listened to what the LORD our God has been saying.”

Jeremiah 4

Ayo, Israel, if you wanna bounce back, says the LORD, just come back to me. If you wanna drop all that whack stuff I can’t stand, then you won’t have to dip.
And for real, swear that the LORD is alive, and be straight up about it—being fair, doing what’s right. Then all the nations will be mad blessed because of Him, and they’ll be hyping Him up big time.
Yo, check it fam! The LORD’s got a message for all y’all in Judah and Jerusalem. It’s time to get real and stop wasting your energy on pointless stuff. Instead, focus on getting your minds and hearts right, and be smart about where you put your time and effort.
Listen up, Judah and Jerusalem crew, you gotta clean up your spiritual game and ditch all that negativity in your hearts. If you don’t, my anger’s gonna blow up like fire and there won’t be no way to cool it down. It’s all ’cause of the messed up stuff you’re into.
Yo, all you peeps in Judah and Jerusalem, check it out! It’s time to make some noise: grab the trumpet, shout loud, and rally the crew. We’re hitting up the safe cities, so let’s link up and get moving.
Get prepped, head straight for Zion without holding back. Stay strong, no backing down! ‘Cause I’m about to bring some serious chaos from the north—massive destruction is on its way.
Yo, check it—this lion just came out of hiding, and it’s ready to wreck the Gentiles. He’s rolled out to trash your turf, and your cities are gonna be wiped out, left deserted.
So, like, throw on some mourning gear, cry out loud and clear—’cause the Lord is still raging at us, you feel?
And the big man upstairs said, “Yo, on that day, the king’s heart will be seriously bummed out, and so will the hearts of his crew. Even the holy folks will be mind-blown, and the prophets will be like, whoa.”
I was like, whoa, God! You totally caught the Jerusalem crew off guard, saying everything’s gonna be chill, but they’re actually dealing with some serious trouble.
Yo fam, when that time rolls around, people gonna be telling their crew in Jerusalem, like, there’s this dry wind blowing from the mountains outta nowhere, heading towards my people. But yo, it ain’t some refreshing or purifying breeze, nah.
Like, I’m gonna send this massive wind from those places, and I’ll be like, ‘Bro, it’s judgment time!’ It’s gonna be way more intense than anything they’ve ever seen before. And trust me, I’m gonna lay down some serious verdicts on them. No holding back, dude!
Yo, peep this, this dude’s gonna come in like big clouds, and his ride’s gonna be like a freakin’ tornado: his horses faster than eagles. Oh snap, we’re in trouble, man! We’re straight up doomed.
Yo, Jerusalem, purge all that wickedness from your heart to save yourself. Seriously, how long you gonna let those useless thoughts clutter your mind?
So, there’s this voice coming from Dan, spreading the word about the tough times hitting from mount Ephraim.
Yo, let everyone know, all around the globe! Listen up, there are some serious watchers coming from a far-off land, and they’re calling out against the cities of Judah.
Like, all her neighbors are saying, ‘She’s rebelling against me,’ says the LORD, like they’re guarding their own territory or something.
Bro, you brought all this on yourself with your messed up actions. It’s your own wrongdoing, and trust me, it’s not a good look. It’s seriously harsh, and it’s hitting you deep down inside.
OMG, I can’t even handle it! My insides, my insides! It hurts deep down; my heart is racing; I can’t keep quiet anymore. Seriously, my soul is shaken by the sound of the trumpet, the warning of war. Like, my heart is totally in turmoil!
OMG, it’s like disaster after disaster! The whole land is totally wrecked. Out of nowhere, my beautiful tents are destroyed, and my gorgeous curtains are gone in a flash.
How much longer do I have to see that flag waving and hear that trumpet sounding?
My peeps are so clueless, they don’t even know me. They act like silly kids, totally clueless. They’re experts at doing bad stuff, but when it comes to doing good, they’re clueless.
I peeped at the earth, and it was all messed up and empty, with the skies totally dark.
So, I peeped at the mountains, and, whoa, they were shaking, and all the hills were just casually swaying.
I scoped out the scene, and, like, there was literally no one around, and all the flying creatures, like the birds of the sky, were straight up gone.
So, I scoped it out and OMG, the once thriving and fruitful land was totally deserted, dude. And all the cities were, like, completely wrecked because the LORD was there, showing His intense rage and stuff.
Yo, check it out, the LORD said this: The whole land’s gonna be like a total wasteland, but hey, I won’t totally wipe it out, though. Just sayin’.
Yo, listen up! Get ready, fam! The earth’s gonna be heavy-hearted and the heavens gonna be super dark. Why? ‘Cause I said so! I’ve made up my mind and I ain’t changing it, no way, no how.
The whole city’s gonna be shook when they hear those horsemen and archers; they’ll scatter into the thickets and climb up the rocks, man. Every city gonna be ghosted, no one gonna live there anymore.
And when you’re totally wrecked, what’s your move? Even if you deck out in designer threads and bling yourself up with pricey jewelry, and even if you glam up with makeup to look fly, it’s all gonna be worthless. Your supposed lovers will straight up hate you and wanna bring you down.
Here’s a Gen Z-style adaptation while maintaining respect and reverence:
Yo, I’ve been hearing this voice, like a woman going through intense pain during labor, you feel me? It’s like hearing a first-time mom giving birth. It’s the voice of the daughter of Zion, straight-up mourning and raising her hands in despair, like, ‘Man, my soul is legit exhausted because of all these murderers.’

Jeremiah 5

Ayy, hit up every block in Jerusalem, peep the scene. Slide through, see if you can spot someone who’s all about keeping it real and seeking truth in the mix. If you find someone vibin’ like that, I’ll give ’em props.
And even if they’re out there preachin’ like, “OMG, God’s lit,” but straight up lying through their teeth, nah, that ain’t it.
Yo, Big G, you peepin’ what’s goin’ down? You’ve been droppin’ knowledge bombs, but they ain’t even catchin’ feels. You’ve been tryna school ’em, but they straight ghostin’ the lesson. Their hearts are harder than concrete, fam. They ain’t tryna turn around.
So I’m thinkin’, like, for sure these peeps are lost, they ain’t even got a clue! They don’t know how to walk the LORD’s road or grasp His wisdom.
I’m gonna chill with the homies who vibe with the LORD and His flow, but these other cats are straight-up rebels, ain’t listenin’ to no one.
So, picture this, a lion lurkin’ from the woods ready to pounce, a wolf creepin’ in the dark, wreckin’ everything, and a leopard posted up, watchin’ their cities. Anyone who tries to dip is gonna get wrecked. It’s all ’cause they’ve been on some shady stuff, keepin’ away from what’s good. They just keep spiralin’ down.
Yo, how can I let this slide? Your crew dipped on me, making fake pledges, bowin’ down to fake deities. I hooked y’all up, but you straight up played me, slidin’ into shady spots.
Come sunrise, they chow down like they’ve been starvin’, and they’re all eyein’ up each other’s partners.
Ain’t I gonna roll through and set things straight? Says the Most High. Won’t my soul demand justice for a nation actin’ like this?
Yo, scale those walls and bring ’em down, but don’t go too far—just dismantle their defenses ’cause they ain’t rollin’ with the Most High.
Yo, Israel and Judah really did me dirty, says the Most High.
They straight up frontin’, sayin’, ‘Nah, not about that God life.’ They act like nothing’s gonna go down, like no wars, no hunger, like it’s all good.
And these prophets? All mouth, no truth. They talk a big game but ain’t got a clue what’s up. That’s what they gonna get.
Hear this, crew! The Most High, ruler of all the crews, got something to say: Since y’all spitting these words, peep this, I’m droppin’ fire in your mouth. And those folks? They’re like dry wood, ’bout to get burned up.
Yo, listen up! I’m bringin’ a whole nation your way, fam. O Israel, brace yourselves, says the Most High. They’re ancient, tough, with a tongue you can’t even decipher, ya dig?
Their arsenal is like a dark pit, and yo, they’re all mighty wicked.
And, like, they gonna straight up chow down on your crops and all the grub meant for your kids. They’ll trash your farms and your herds, man! Even your vineyards and fig trees won’t be spared. And get ready, ’cause they gonna wreck your fortified cities, the ones you thought were untouchable, with their weapons and whatnot.
But listen up, even in those days, says the Most High, I ain’t gonna straight up erase you, fam.
And it’s gonna go down like this: when you’re all like, “Yo, why’s the Most High doing all this to us?” Then you gotta check yourself, like, “Bro, it’s ’cause we ghosted on Him and started worshiping some random gods in our own turf, so now we gotta serve some strangers in a land that ain’t even ours.”
Yo, drop this knowledge in Jacob’s house, and make sure it’s buzzin’ in Judah. Listen up, fam, here’s the scoop:
Pay attention, clueless crew who can’t seem to get it; you got eyes but you ain’t seein’, you got ears but you ain’t hearin’.
Ain’t you shakin’ in your boots when I’m around? says the Most High. I’m the one who drew the line in the sand for the sea, and it knows better than to step out of bounds. Even when the waves actin’ wild, they can’t break through that limit. They might be loud, but they ain’t crossin’ over.
But these folks? They straight up turned away, got that rebellious vibe; they gone way off track.
They ain’t even got it in their heads, like, ‘Yo, we gotta give props to the Most High, who blesses us with rain, right on time, early and late, so we can rake in those harvest vibes.’
Your messed-up moves screwed all that up, and your sins blocking the blessings.
In my circle, there’s some seriously slick operators. They got the whole deception game down, like they setting traps for clueless prey. They schemin’ and plotting, setting traps left and right, snarin’ innocent peeps.
Their crib’s like a bird trap, filled with lies. That’s why they ballin’ out and stackin’ up cash. #justsaying
Yo, they livin’ it up, flashin’ that shine, you know? They even worse than the shady ones. They don’t even bother to listen to the orphans’ stories, but still out here thriving. And they straight up ignore the rights of the needy, man.
Like, ain’t I gonna come through on these folks? says the Most High. Shouldn’t my soul demand justice for a nation that’s this messed up?
Bro, there’s some seriously messed-up stuff goin’ on over there; it’s like, next-level shocking and gross, ya feel?
The prophets out here spewin’ straight lies, and the priests actin’ all high and mighty; and my crew’s actually buyin’ into it: so, like, what’s the deal when it all hits the fan in the end?

Jeremiah 6

A’ight, fam from Benjamin, listen up! Strap up for a Jerusalem exit plan. Bust out that trumpet in Tekoa and light up Bethhaccerem with fire signals. ‘Cause trouble’s rolling in from the north, and it’s bringing some serious wreckage.
So, check it, Zion’s like that top-notch, classy chick. She’s all about elegance and grace. She’s just vibin’ at home, doing her thing, radiating beauty and finesse.
The shepherds and their crews will pull up to her, pitching camp all around and making sure everyone’s fed and sorted.
Time to gear up for battle against her; let’s rally and hit the road by noon. Uh-oh, trouble’s brewing! Daylight’s fading fast as evening shadows creep in.
Yo, it’s time to sneak in under the cover of darkness and wreck her fancy pad.
So, here’s what the LORD Almighty is saying: Yo, cut down those trees and set up a ramp against Jerusalem. That city’s about to get a major wake-up call because it’s suffocating under oppression. (And yeah, we might need to bring some serious firepower.)
It’s like when a livestream goes viral, she spreads all her negative vibes: violence and drama are everywhere; I’m constantly seeing sadness and conflicts right in front of me.
Yo, Jerusalem, hear me out! I’m dropping these words so my soul stays connected to you, and so you don’t get left in ruins, deserted like a ghost town. (Oh, and ‘depart’ in Hebrew? It’s like being totally torn apart and disconnected, just a heads-up.)
Alright, squad, check it out! This is what the Lord, the ultimate trendsetter, has in store: He’s gonna harvest every last grape from Israel like a pro vine-picker. So, grab those baskets, and get to gathering like absolute bosses!
Okay, seriously, who am I supposed to talk to and warn so they’ll actually pay attention? I mean, they’re so closed-minded and uninterested, it’s like they’ve got the lamest ear piercings ever. The LORD’s message might as well be an insult to them; they couldn’t care less.
I’m telling you, I’m feeling the LORD’s anger big time. It’s like, overwhelming, dude. I gotta let it out, you feel me? It’s gonna hit hard on all these young people here. And guess what? It’s not gonna skip over couples or old folks. Everybody’s gonna feel it, no exceptions.
Check it, their houses are gonna be handed over to others, along with their fields and wives and all. ‘Cause I’m gonna show my power to the people living in the land, says the LORD.
‘Cause seriously, from the littlest to the biggest, everyone’s all caught up in that covetous game. Whether they’re a social media influencer or a religious leader, they’re all frontin’ and schemin’.
They’ve been trying to patch up the mess among my people, but it’s like putting a band-aid on a broken bone – it ain’t fixing much. They keep saying everything’s all good, but truth is, it’s not. Can’t just slap on a band-aid and call it a day, you feel?
Did they even feel a twinge of shame after doing something wrong? Nah, not even a hint of it. They couldn’t even blush if they tried! So, they’ll end up stumbling just like the rest. When I come to set things straight, they’ll be brought down low, says the Lord.
Alright, fam, here’s what the Lord’s dropping, pay attention: Stick to the game, keep your eyes peeled, and seek out those classic paths. You know, the ones that lead to the good life. Walk that route, and you’ll find some serious soul chill vibes. But you know what? They straight up said, ‘Nah, not feeling it!’
I set people up to watch out for you, telling them to tune in to the trumpet call. But they were like, ‘Nah, we’re not tuning in.’
So, yo, listen up, fam, and tune in, squad, to what’s going down with them.
Earth, hear me out: I’m about to drop some heavy vibes on these folks, straight from the consequences of their actions. They’ve been ghosting my messages and flat-out rejecting my laws. Not cool.
Dude, why you bringing me all this fancy incense from Sheba and sweet cane from far away? Your burnt offerings ain’t hitting the spot, and your sacrifices ain’t giving me that satisfaction.
So, listen up! God’s like, yo, I’m gonna drop some serious roadblocks in front of these folks. And you know what? It’s gonna mess up not just the parents, but their kids too. Even their crew and neighbors won’t come out unscathed.
Yo, peeps, listen up! God’s dropping some truth: There’s gonna be a crew rolling in from up north, and a massive nation’s gonna rise up from every corner of the globe.
They’ll be packing bows and spears, straight savage mode, no mercy in sight. Their voices will roar like the ocean as they ride in battle formation against you, O daughter of Zion.
Dude, we’ve heard the whispers and it’s got us rattled. Our hands are trembling, and we’re feeling serious distress and agony, like a woman in labor.
Don’t even think about stepping out, or going for a casual stroll, ’cause danger’s lurking around every corner, with enemies brandishing their swords and fear creeping in from all sides.
Yo, fam, it’s time to bring out the feels! Grab that sackcloth and hit the ashes, ’cause we’re mourning like we just lost our all-time favorite. It’s gonna be an epic lament sesh, ’cause trouble’s about to crash in uninvited.
I’ve set you up like a dope tower and fortress among my crew, so you can fully get what they’re about and check their choices.
They’re all like, straight-up rebellious and constantly gossiping – talk about fake and unreliable, right? Just a bunch of troublemakers, always stirring the pot.
Dude, the bellows got torched, and the lead got totally roasted by the fire. The smelter’s out here melting for nothing, ’cause those wicked peeps aren’t even getting dealt with.
People will dub them useless silver, ’cause the LORD’s tossed them aside.

Jeremiah 7

So, picture this, right? God hits up Jeremiah and is all like,
“Yo, post up by the entrance of the LORD’s place and drop this message: Listen up, all you crew from Judah who roll through these gates to vibe with the LORD.
“Yo, peeps! Check it, this is what the big man upstairs, the God of Israel, has to say: You gotta switch up your whole vibe and the moves you’re pulling. If you do, I promise I’ll hook you up with a chill spot to call home.”
Don’t get duped by fake hype, like folks saying, ‘God’s place, God’s place, God’s place, is all up in here.’
Yo, if you seriously step up your game and start making wiser moves, and if you’re all about fairness when squashing beef between folks,
Listen up, squad! Don’t be dissing strangers, orphans, and widows, and don’t go spilling innocent blood in this scene. And don’t be chasing after other gods, ’cause that’s just gonna mess you up, fam.
Yo, I’m gonna make sure you’re posted in this spot, in the land that I blessed your ancestors with, like, for all time.
Yo, peep this, you’re rolling with some shady words that ain’t gonna bring you any blessings.
OMG, are you seriously gonna swipe, take lives, betray your boo, then lie about it, bowing down to some other god called Baal, and tagging along with random gods you ain’t even tight with? Like, that’s seriously not cool, fam.
And like, you all roll up in my place, which is like totally set apart for me, and have the nerve to say, ‘We’re free to do all these messed up things?’
Like, seriously? This place, where I’m supposed to be getting mad worship, you think it’s cool to turn it into a hangout for thieves? Yo, just so you know, I’ve peeped it with my divine eyes, says the LORD.
But yo, go scope out what went down at Shiloh, where my name used to be lit, you know? See what happened there ’cause of how my crew in Israel were acting. It’s pretty crazy, tbh.
Yo, check it! The LORD’s saying you’ve been pulling all these moves, and He’s been trying to hit you up. He’s been up early to chat with you, but you’ve been ghosting. He’s been calling out to you, but you haven’t been picking up.
So, straight up, I’m gonna handle this spot that folks rep with my name, the one y’all put your trust in. And I’m gonna handle that place I hooked you and your ancestors up with, just like what went down in Shiloh.
And I’ll totally dip out on you just like I did with your whole squad, even the whole Ephraim crew.
So, like, don’t even bother sending up prayers for these peeps, okay? Save your breath, don’t bother crying out or sending prayers their way, and don’t even try asking me to step in ’cause I won’t be tuning in, you feel?
Yo, check out what’s popping in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem, fam.
The kids gather the firewood, and the dads spark it up, while the moms whip up dough to bake cakes for the big queen, and they pour out drinks as offerings to other gods. All this just to get me heated.
Are they seriously trying to push my buttons? God’s like, aren’t they just making fools of themselves?
So, yo, listen up, says the Lord GOD: Things are gonna heat up big time in this spot. Like, my anger and fury are gonna unleash on everything – humans, animals, trees, crops – you name it. It’s gonna be intense and unstoppable, dude.
Listen up, peeps! The LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, is like, saying; Instead of busting out all those burnt sacrifices, just chow down and enjoy the feast!
Just a heads-up, when I brought your ancestors out of Egypt, I didn’t even bring up anything about burnt offerings or sacrifices. It wasn’t on my radar, if you catch my drift. Like, that wasn’t the main thing, you feel? #NotAboutThat
But I straight-up laid it out for them: Listen up, roll with me, and I’ll be your God while you become my crew. Just stick to the game plan I’ve laid out, and things will be solid for you.
But they straight-up ghosted, didn’t even bother to tune in, and just did their own thing, following the shady ideas and stubborn thoughts of their wicked hearts. Instead of moving ahead, they actually ended up going backward.
Since your ancestors dipped from Egypt ’til now, I’ve been on point, sending my prophet squad your way, like, every day, without fail:
But they straight-up ghosted me, like, completely. They didn’t even try to tune in or listen up. Instead, they were straight-up stubborn and pulled even more messed-up moves than their ancestors.
So, you gotta drop all these words and whatnot, but they’re totally gonna tune you out. And, like, you gotta try reaching out, but they’re not even gonna bother hitting you back.
But listen up, you gotta let ’em know that this country straight up ain’t vibing with the voice of the LORD their God, and they ain’t down to take no correction. They’ve straight-up lost touch with the truth and they ain’t even speaking it no more.
Yo, Jerusalem, it’s time to cut your hair and let the tears flow. Take your grief to the high places and mourn, ’cause God ain’t playing with the generation that’s ticked Him off.
Yo, the crew from Judah be doing some foul stuff in my sight, says the LORD. They be straight-up trashing the house meant to honor me, with all their disgusting acts.
They’ve set up these altars in Tophet, down in the valley of the son of Hinnom, where they sacrifice their own sons and daughters by burning them alive! I never gave them the green light for that, it never even crossed my mind!
Yo, check it! God says a time is coming when Tophet, aka the valley of the son of Hinnom, won’t even be remembered by those names anymore. Instead, it’s gonna be known as the valley of slaughter, ’cause it’s gonna be stacked with dead bodies ’til there’s no more room.
Here’s a Gen Z-style adaptation while maintaining respect and reverence:
And the corpses of these people will be food for the birds in the sky and the beasts on the ground, and no one will shoo them away.
I’m about to silence all the cities in Judah and the streets of Jerusalem—no more parties, no more celebrations, no more wedding bells. The whole land will be deserted and deserted.

Jeremiah 8

Yo, peeps, check it: God’s dropping some truth bombs. He’s saying when the big moment hits, they’re gonna be digging up the kings of Judah, their VIP crew, the priests, the prophets, even regular folks from Jerusalem, straight from their resting spots.
Then, get this, they’re gonna flaunt them for everyone to peep, right under the sun, moon, and all the stars. Those were their idols, their ride-or-dies, the ones they were all about, chased after, and worshipped. But instead of respect or a proper send-off, they’re gonna get treated like trash, just scattered on the ground, no dignity.
And for real, the folks left from this messed-up fam are gonna be so done that they’d rather peace out than deal with this anymore. It’s like, wherever I sent them, that’s exactly what the LORD of hosts is saying.
And yo, you gotta spread this word, like straight from God: You think they’re gonna fall and not bounce back? You think He’s gonna dip and never show up again?
Yo, why’s Jerusalem always flipping back? They’re all about lies and straight-up reject turning around.
I tuned in, listened up, but they weren’t spitting facts. No one felt any regret for their mess-ups, saying, “My bad, what was I thinking?” Nah, everyone just kept on their own grind, like a horse charging into battle.
Yo, even birds in the sky, like the stork, they know when it’s time to do their thing. Turtles, cranes, swallows, they’re all on their game too. But check it, my own crew? Clueless about the Lord’s deal. It’s a total letdown.
Why you acting all wise, acting like you’re all about the Lord’s vibe? Seriously, it’s just all talk, empty vibes. Those supposed experts and scholars? They’re just spinning wheels. Their words ain’t got no real weight.
The brainiacs are like, majorly red-faced and rattled: they flat-out dissed God’s word. Like, what kind of wisdom is that? Seriously, what were they even thinking?
So, I’m gonna hook up their wives with someone else, and their land’s gonna be passed on to others. ‘Cause for real, from the little guys to the big shots, everyone’s just all about greed. I’m talking even the prophets and priests, out there pulling shady moves.
They only put a Band-Aid on the hurt of my people, pretending everything’s chill when it’s totally not.
Did they even feel bad when they did some seriously messed-up stuff? Nah, not even a hint of shame, they couldn’t even blush! That’s why they’re gonna crash and burn like everyone else who bites it. When judgment day rolls around, they’re gonna hit the ground hard, says the LORD.
I’m gonna straight-up wipe them out, says the LORD. Like, no grapes on the vine, no figs on the fig tree. Everything’s gonna dry up, all the stuff I hooked them up with, just gone.
Yo, why we just loungin’ around? Let’s bounce and hit up the fortified cities, lay low there. ‘Cause our dude, the LORD our God, put a muzzle on us and served up some bitter drinks, ‘cause we messed up big time, sinned against the LORD. And that drink? It’s toxic, fam.
We were totally expecting good vibes, but it’s been a constant grind and just rough times for our well-being!
You could seriously hear the horses snorting all the way from Dan, and the whole land shook from their mighty neighs. They rolled in and wrecked everything in their path—scarfed down the land, the city, and everyone in it. No chill vibes, just #TotalDestruction.
Yo, peeps, tune in! Here’s the deal: I’m gonna let loose some venomous snakes and sneaky critters your way, and they won’t be swayed by any sweet talk. They’re gonna straight-up bite you, says the LORD.
Whenever I try to shake off the blues and lift my spirits, my heart feels weak deep down. (Hebrew meaning: above all)
Listen up, fam! The people back home are straight-up wailing, all ‘cause of those folks kicking it in another land. Ain’t the LORD holding it down in Zion? Ain’t He the king ruling there? Why they gotta tick me off with their idols and junk? Like, for real, they keep testing my patience!
The time for kicking back and soaking up those sunny vibes is gone, and, unfortunately, we still haven’t locked down our salvation. 😔
My heart aches for my peeps’ suffering; I’m so shook and overwhelmed, feels like I’m drowning in darkness.
Yo, ain’t there any healing in Gilead? Where are all the docs at? How come my crew’s health isn’t getting any better?

Jeremiah 9

Yo, sometimes I just wanna let it all out, you know? Like, I wish I could cry non-stop, like my eyes becoming this endless waterfall of tears. My heart’s heavy for my people who’ve been lost, you feel me?
Bro, I’m all about finding that secluded spot, away from the drama. ‘Cause honestly, my crew can be wild, full of snakes and backstabbers. I need some peace and quiet to vibe out.
They be straight up weaponizing their tongues, spewing out lies like it’s their job. But they ain’t got the guts to stand for what’s righteous. It’s like they’re just bouncing from one messed up thing to another, clueless about who I am, says the LORD.
Ayo, fam, pay attention! Keep your eyes peeled for your neighbors, and don’t go putting all your trust in your day-ones either. ‘Cause lemme tell ya, every homie gonna pull a sneaky move, and every neighbor gonna be gossiping like crazy. That’s the truth.
They be out there pulling tricks on everyone, not a single truth coming out of their mouths. They got lying down to an art, wearing themselves out with all their wrongdoing.
Your place be filled with deceit, straight up denying they even know me, says the LORD.
Listen up, fam, this is what the LORD Almighty’s laying down. I’m gonna test ’em real hard, gotta see if they’re gonna step up for my people, you feel?
Their words be shooting like arrows, full of lies. They talk nice to their neighbor’s face, but behind their back, they schemin’ something fierce.
Yo, should I just sit back and let ’em slide with all this messed up stuff? says the LORD. Ain’t my soul gonna be craving some payback on a nation actin’ like this?
My heart aches for the mountains and the wilderness, seein’ how they all messed up. Ain’t nobody even venturein’ out there no more, and you can’t even hear a peep from the animals. They bounced, it’s like a ghost town out there!
Listen up, I’m ’bout to shake things up in Jerusalem, turn it into a hangout for dragons. And as for the cities of Judah, they gonna be ghost towns, no one’s gonna be kicking it there anymore. It’s gonna be straight-up barren.
Yo, who’s got the smarts to get what’s going down here? And who’s the chosen one the Lord’s spillin’ the tea to, so they can spread the word? ‘Cause this land, man, it’s like a desert, burnt to a crisp, nobody’s even passing through.
God’s like, “Bruh, they straight up ditched the law I laid down for ’em, didn’t even bother to listen or follow it; totally not cool.”
Instead, they be flexin’ on their own desires, chasing after Baalim, just like their folks taught ’em. (Or, you know, stubbornness.)
So, like, the LORD, the God of Israel, is spittin’ this: pay attention, I’m servin’ up a not-so-tasty plate of wormwood for these people, and they gonna have to chug some bitter water of gall.
I’m gonna scatter ’em among nations they ain’t never heard of, places their ancestors never even knew about. And I’ll send some sharp-edged weapons their direction, ’til they wiped clean off the map.
Yo, check it out! This is what the LORD, who’s totally powerful, says: Take a sec and call the squad of grieving ladies, tell ’em to come through ASAP. Oh, and don’t forget to bring in some skilled ladies too!
They gotta hurry up and start wailing, so our eyes can fill with tears and we’re crying non-stop.
OMG, there’s so much crying and sadness in Zion! We’re devastated—lost everything, feeling totally lost. It’s ’cause we turned away from our land and got kicked out of our homes. It’s like a huge disaster!
Hey, listen up, ladies! Open your ears and listen to what the Lord is saying. Teach your daughters how to mourn and express sorrow with their neighbors.
Death has crashed into our safe spaces and even our luxe homes, snatching innocent kids from the ‘burbs and young peeps from the streets.
Yo, listen—the LORD says dead bodies will be scattered in the fields like trash and leftovers after harvest, with no one bothering to gather them.
Yo, check it—the LORD says wise folks shouldn’t show off their smarts, and strong ones shouldn’t flex their muscles. And rich peeps, don’t flaunt your stacks!
But if you gotta brag about something, brag about knowing and understanding me. I’m the LORD, and I’m all about love, fairness, and justice. That’s what lights me up, says the LORD.
Yo, hear this from the LORD: I’ll handle everyone, whether they’re in with the trends or not.
Egypt, Judah, Edom, Ammon, Moab, and all those chilling out in the wilderness: none of these nations are sticking to the old ways, and even Israel isn’t fully committed in their hearts.

Jeremiah 10

Yo, check it, fam! God’s got some real talk for y’all, House of Israel:
Alright, peeps, listen up! God’s like, ‘Don’t be following the trends of those who ain’t about this faith, and don’t stress over all those cosmic signs in the sky like they do.’ ‘Cause honestly, those non-believers get all freaked out by ’em.
Yo, peeps, check it—doing stuff just for show is straight up useless, like chopping down a tree with a fancy axe made by some skilled craftsman. Those traditions and rules? Yeah, they don’t mean squat. They’re totally empty and pointless.
They deck it all out with silver and gold, nailing it down with hammers so it won’t tip over.
They’re standing there like a palm tree, but they don’t speak up. People gotta carry them around ’cause they can’t move themselves. Don’t stress about them, ’cause they can’t do anything, good or bad.
Like, God, there’s seriously no one as awesome as You. You’re beyond amazing, and Your name? It’s got crazy power.
OMG, like, who wouldn’t be totally in awe of You, the King of all nations? It’s all about You, ’cause seriously, NO ONE even comes close to being as awesome as You. And I mean, like, NO ONE, among all these so-called ‘wise’ people in their fancy kingdoms.
But for real, they’re clueless and dumb. Their beliefs are just empty and worthless.
They’re importing silver from Tarshish and gold from Uphaz, all crafted by skilled workers and talented artisans. Their outfits are all about that blue and purple, flaunting intricate designs and mad attention to detail.
Yo, check it—the LORD is the real deal, a legit God. He’s no fake or slacker. He’s the eternal king, and when He gets heated, the whole earth shakes. No nation can handle His anger—His wrath ain’t no joke, yo.
So, like, let ’em know those gods who didn’t even create the universe? Yeah, they’re totally gonna vanish from the earth and from beneath the skies.
God flexed and created the whole earth with His epic power—like, total boss move. He set up the entire world with His super smart wisdom, you know? And He stretched out the heavens with all His chill vibes, like, skillfully done.
When God speaks, the sky gets all rainy, and He makes steam rise up from every corner of the earth. He creates lightning and rain, and brings forth a cool breeze from His secret stash.
Yo, seriously, everyone’s clueless when it comes to knowledge. All those artists and craftsmen? They’re totally embarrassed by their own idols. Like, those statues they make? Complete fakes, man. They ain’t got no life in ’em.
They’re totally pointless and a total mess. When they finally get what’s coming to them, it’s game over.
Jacob’s vibe is totally different from theirs—like, he’s the OG creator of everything. And Israel? That’s his chosen favorite squad. The LORD of all the awesome stuff, that’s his name, you know?
Yo, pack up all your stuff and bounce out of that land, fam, you dwelling in that fortress. Word up.
Yo, the LORD’s like, check it—I’m gonna swiftly remove all these people from the land and bring mad stress upon them, so they can fully realize what’s up.
OMG, I’m so crushed by my pain! My injury is seriously rough. But, like, ugh, I guess I just gotta accept this major bummer and deal with it.
My place is wrecked, and all my connections are gone: my crew bounced, and they’re nowhere to be found. There’s no one left to chill at my crib or vibe at my hangout spot anymore.
The leaders have totally lost it; they haven’t bothered to seek the LORD. Because of that, they won’t find any success, and all their peeps will be scattered.
Yo, listen up! There’s this intense buzz and some serious stuff going down up in the north. It’s gonna wreck the cities of Judah big time, turning them into a wild dragon’s lair.
Oh Lord, I understand now that us humans can’t always figure things out on our own. We don’t always know the right path to take.
Yo, God, if I mess up, I’m asking for your guidance and correction, but please, not out of anger ’cause I don’t want to get wiped out.
Let your anger come down on those who don’t acknowledge you, and on the tribes who don’t seek your guidance. They’ve messed up Jacob, devoured him, and brought ruin upon his homeland.

Jeremiah 11

Jeremiah got a text from the LORD, like,
Hey, squad! Check out the deets of this pact and spread the word to the crew in Judah and the squad in Jerusalem;
Yo, heads up! God’s dropping a message for y’all. So, like, anyone who doesn’t follow the rules of this agreement is totally gonna be cursed, dude.
Yo, listen up! Way back when I rescued your ancestors from Egypt, straight outta that tough spot, I set down the law: listen to my voice and do what I say. If you stay true and follow my commands, we’ll be tight. I’ll be your ride-or-die, and you’ll be my squad.
So like, I swear to keep my promise to your ancestors and hook them up with this awesome land flowing with the sickest stuff like milk and honey. And when I heard that, I was all like, ‘You got it, LORD!’ Amen, dude.
So, God was like, ‘Hey, spread the word to everyone in Judah’s cities and on the streets of Jerusalem: Listen up! Pay attention to the words of this covenant, and actually live them out.’
I was totally serious when I had a chat with your parents back in the day, right after I saved them from Egypt. And I’ve been reminding them ever since. I’d get up early just to have this talk, telling them to listen up and follow my instructions.
But they straight up ignored what I said and didn’t even bother to listen. Instead, they just followed their own messed up thoughts and desires. So now, they gotta face the consequences of breaking this agreement I told them to follow, even though they chose not to.
So, God was like, ‘Yo, there’s this super sketchy thing going on with the dudes from Judah and the peeps in Jerusalem.’
They’re like totally repeating the messed up stuff their ancestors did, you know? They straight up ignored what I had to say and started worshiping other gods. The people of Israel and Judah just straight up broke the deal I had with their parents.
Check it out, fam! The big man upstairs is dropping some serious truth bombs right here. He’s about to bring some major heat their way, and there’s no swerving outta that lane. Even if they slide into His DMs with prayers, He’s not vibing with it. Can’t ghost this kinda situation, ya feel?
Alright, peeps, check it: folks in the cities of Judah and Jerusalem are gonna be majorly freaking out, you feel me? They’ll be begging and pleading with their idols, the ones they’re all about, offering up incense and whatnot. But, like, those idols aren’t gonna come through for them when the going gets tough. Straight up useless when things get real.
Yo, Judah, your gods were, like, all over the place in your cities, man. And you, Jerusalem squad, got altars for that totally embarrassing stuff on every block, even altars for burning incense to Baal. It’s like, majorly shameful, dude.
So, like, don’t even bother dropping prayers for these peeps, ya know? Don’t even waste your vibes crying out or sending prayers their way, ’cause I won’t be tuning in when they come begging for backup. It’s like they’re asking for bad juju or something, you dig? (PS: “trouble” means evil in Hebrew, by the way).
Yo, why’s my ride-or-die up in my spot, getting down with everyone and ditching that sacred bond? You straight up grinning and thriving when you’re out here doing dirt. Seriously, what’s up with that?
God was like, ‘Sup, your name is a rad olive tree – lush fruits and all that jazz. But then things got wild and He straight up lit it on fire, snapping all its branches.
Yo, the big boss upstairs who crafted you, he’s not vibing with you. You see, the Israel and Judah crew pulled some shady moves. They went and ticked me off by bowing down to this deity named Baal, and now the big man’s dropping some serious warnings on them.
And God totally clued me in on this, and I’m totally getting it: then you showed me all the stuff they were pulling.
I was straight up clueless, like a chill lamb or a laid-back ox, when they schemed against me. They were all like, ‘Let’s take down this tree and wipe out its fruit. Cut it off from the land of the living, so no one ever mentions its name again.’
Yo, Almighty God, you who always lays down fair judgments and sees right through to the core of our intentions and feelings, let me see your righteous anger unleashed on them. ‘Cause I’ve opened up my heart to you and placed all my trust in you.
So, like, the LORD’s got this word for all the crew from Anathoth who wanna shut you down. They’re all like, ‘Stop dropping prophecies in the name of the LORD, or we’ll take you out ourselves!’
So, peeps, check it out, the LORD who’s calling the shots has got a message. Get ready, ’cause I’m about to drop some heavy truths. Those young guns out there? Yeah, they’re gonna bite the dust by the sword. And don’t think their offspring are getting a free pass, ’cause they’re gonna feel it too – wasting away from hunger. Just know, this consequence is headed their way full throttle.
And there won’t be anyone left, ’cause I’m dropping some heavy vibes on the people of Anathoth, like it’s gonna be a total wipeout for them.

Jeremiah 12

Yo, God, gotta give you props for always being chill when I slide into your DMs with my questions. Can we vibe on the topic of justice? Like, why do the sketchy folks catch all the breaks? And why do the liars seem to be living their best lives? Let’s hash it out, fam.
You put them there, and dang, they’re thriving, deep-rooted and all. They’re out here flourishing, spitting wisdom and whatnot. But it’s like, you’re close enough to hear their words, but they’re on some distant vibe with their feels.
Yo, God, you peep everything about me, like, down to the nitty-gritty. You’ve seen me ride or die for you, straight up. So, can you round up my haters, like, corral them like helpless sheep headed for the chop? Prep them for their ultimate downfall on that day, you feel me?
Ay, fam, how much longer the land gotta mourn and all the plants gotta wither ’cause of the evil vibes from the people living there? Even the critters are feeling it, like, the birds are straight up saying, “We ain’t even gonna see the end of this mess.”
If you’re barely hanging with the turtles and already running on empty, how you gonna keep up with the cheetahs? And if you’re tapped out when things are chill and breezy, how you gonna handle the real-deal trials when they hit?
Bro, even your day-ones and the peeps from your hood have done you dirty. They out here gaining followers and whatnot, but don’t fall for it, even if they talking smooth.
I bounced from home, left my roots behind, and handed over the one I cherish the most to her enemies.
My reputation’s like a wild lion, roaring and prowling, driving me nuts. Can’t deal with it anymore. It’s like, I can’t stand the sight of it.
Yo, my heritage is like this rare bird, surrounded by a flock of haters. Round up all the wild beasts, let ’em come and chow down on it.
Bro, it’s like these religious leaders just wrecked my vineyard, man. They stomped all over my turf, turned my sweet spot into a wasteland. It used to be my favorite hang, now it’s just straight-up deserted. #MajorBummer
They trashed it big time, and now it’s all gloomy and junk; the whole land’s a wreck ’cause nobody’s bothered to give a darn.
Yo, the Almighty’s about to drop some serious truth bombs, hitting up all the bougie spots in the sticks: from one end of the land to the other, it’s gonna be non-stop chaos. No chill vibes anywhere, for real.
They thought they’d sow wheat, but they’re just gonna harvest thorns. Put in mad work, but end up with nada. And when the Lord unleashes His fury, they’ll be straight-up embarrassed about their earnings. You thought you’d make bank, but nah.
Yo, pay attention! The Lord’s got some truth bombs for my shady neighbors, thinking they can mess with the land I hooked up for my chosen crew, Israel. Check it: I’m gonna snatch ’em from their turf, and also pull the house of Judah out from among ’em.
Check it, dude, after I’ve straight-up pulled ’em out, I’m gonna swing back and show ’em mad love. I’ll bring ’em back to their roots, their hood, you feel?
If they’re down to chill with my squad, learn our ways, and start talking real about how the Lord’s the real deal, just like they taught my crew to swear by Baal, then they’re in. We’ll welcome ’em with open arms into the fam.
But if they refuse to listen, I’m gonna straight up cancel and wipe out that nation, says the LORD.

Jeremiah 13

Yo, so God slides into my DMs, and He’s all like, “Get yourself a lit linen belt, rock that around your waist, and keep it dry, fam.”
So, I’m vibin’ with the word of the Lord, right? And I’m like, “Bet, got that fresh belt on my waist.”
Then, God hits me up again, and He’s like,
Aight, peep this: grab that belt you got on and slide down to the Euphrates River. Find a dope spot in the rocks and stash it there, fam.
So, I dipped out and stashed it by the Euphrates, just like the Most High told me to.
So, like, after a grip of days, God hits me up and is like, “Yo, rise and shine, head back to the Euphrates. Grab that belt you stashed, the one I straight-up told you to hide.”
So, I roll up to the Euphrates, start digging, you know? And boom, found the girdle right where I stashed it. But yo, it’s wrecked, like, straight up trash. Major letdown!
Yo, the Most High dropped me a line, check it,
Listen up, fam! Here’s the word from the Most High: I’m shutting down the arrogance of Judah and the massive ego of Jerusalem.
These people are so out of touch, they straight up ignore my words and just do whatever they want. They’re all caught up in their own fantasies and chasing after these other gods, acting like they’re all that in serving and worshiping them. But let me tell you, they’re as useless as a worn-out belt that ain’t good for nothing.
Yo, peep this: You know how a sick belt keeps you on lock? Well, that’s how I roll with all of Israel and Judah, says the Most High. I want them repping me, giving me mad props, and straight shining. But for real, they ain’t vibing with it.
So, spread the word, aight? The God of Israel’s dropping truth bombs: Every bottle’s gonna get filled with wine, you feel me? And then they’ll be like, “Uh, didn’t we already know that?”
So basically, you gotta slide up to them and drop this truth bomb: God’s like, “Yo, listen up, fam! I’m gonna make everyone in this spot, even the kings chilling on David’s throne, the priests, the prophets, and all the crew in Jerusalem, straight faded.”
And I’m gonna stir up some serious drama, like major beef between fathers and sons, says the Most High. No holding back, no mercy, no pity – I’m gonna wipe them out.
Yo, tune in and focus up; don’t be acting all boujee, ’cause that’s what the Most High said.
Give mad props to the LORD your God, before he brings on the darkness, and you stumble in those shady hills, and just when you’re looking for some light, he flips the script to some heavy death vibes, and it’s like mega dark.
But if you keep ghosting, it’s gonna hit me deep, like, I’ll be shedding tears in private spots ’cause of your pride, and my eyes will be all watery, ’cause the LORD’S squad is getting snatched up.
Yo, peep this, King and Queen! Ease up and take a seat: ’cause your fancy status is gonna get snatched, even that flashy crown. Believe me, it’s going down.
The southern cities are gonna be locked down tight, like, nobody’s cracking them open. The peeps of Judah are gonna be snatched up, all of ’em, totally captured.
Look up and peep those folks rolling in from the north: where’s your squad at, the lit crew you were rolling with, your top-notch posse?
Bro, what’s your comeback gonna be when the Most High rolls through to serve up what you dished out? You were all like, “Yeah, let’s put these guys in charge!” But now, you’re about to feel the burn, like a woman in labor. Just putting it out there.
And if you’re wondering why all this chaos is going down? It’s ’cause of the shady moves you’re pulling. It’s like your dirt’s getting dug up and you’re left out in the open.
Yo, can an Ethiopian switch up their skin tone or a leopard swap its spots? If that ain’t going down, how do you expect those who are used to doing dirt to suddenly start doing good? It’s like trying to teach a fish how to fly.
So I’m gonna scatter them like when a gust of wind blows away dust in the middle of nowhere.
This is what you’ve earned, your fair share from me, says the Most High. You’re in this mess ’cause you straight up forgot about me and put all your trust in lies.
So I’m gonna straight up expose your actions to everyone, making your embarrassment totally obvious.
I’ve seen all your cheating and promiscuity, your shameless immorality, and your gross acts on the high places and in the open fields. Jerusalem, you’re in deep trouble! Don’t you wanna get cleaned up? When’s that gonna happen? Seriously, when are you gonna wake up?

Jeremiah 14

Yo, check it, God dropped some truth bombs on Jeremiah, saying, “Yo, brace yourselves, stuff’s gonna get real tough, like, restrictions on everything.”
Judah’s heart? It’s shattered, man. City gates? They’re like, crumbling under the weight of sadness, sinking so low it’s like they’re scraping the ground. And the cries of Jerusalem? Louder than ever, reaching for the heavens.
So, the big shots sent their youngsters to fetch water, but they hit up dry wells, coming back empty-handed, feeling totally bummed and ashamed, hiding their heads in sorrow.
Check it, the earth’s parched, no rain in sight, farmers feeling majorly embarrassed. Heads down in shame, feeling the weight of the drought.
So, the deer popped their babies in the field but bounced ’cause there was nada to nibble on.
Them wild donkeys? They’re posted up on the hills, flexin’ like kings, but struggling ’cause there’s zero grass in sight.
Ayy, God, our slip-ups are straight-up exposing us. Can you flex your power for your rep’s sake? ‘Cause, no cap, we’ve seriously dropped the ball and sinned against you.
Yo, you’re our hope, the OG when life gets crazy. Why you ghostin’ us like a random tourist in our hood?
Why you lookin’ shook and helpless, like a hero who can’t even throw down? But yo, God, you’re right here with us, and we’re all about that brand representation. So, like, don’t dip on us, aight? We’re holdin’ it down for your name.
Listen up, squad! The Big Guy’s droppin’ truth bombs on these peeps, and let me tell ya, they’re all about straying and doin’ their own thing. They can’t even stick to the script, so the Big Guy ain’t vibin’ with that. For real, He’s clockin’ all their wrongs and makin’ sure they face the music.
God’s basically sayin’, “Don’t even bother shootin’ up prayers for these folks ’cause it ain’t gonna change a thing.”
When they try to vibe with me through fasting, I ain’t even gonna tune in to their cries for help. And when they try to flex on me with their sacrifices and flashy gifts, I ain’t gonna be impressed one bit. Instead, they’re gonna catch these consequences head-on—think swords, hunger, and sickness right in their grill.
So, I’m chillin’, right, and I’m like, “Yo, Big Guy, peep this! The prophets are spittin’ mad game, saying there’s gonna be zero violence or hunger. Instead, I’m droppin’ some major peace vibes in this zone.”
Yo, peep this, God dropped some truth bombs on me. He’s like, “Check it, these prophets? They’re out there frontin’ in my name, but here’s the deal: I never sent ’em, never gave ’em orders, never even had a chat with ’em. They’re spittin’ straight-up lies, feeding you bogus visions and fake prophecies—straight from their messed-up hearts, ya dig?”
This is the word from the LORD about those prophets frontin’ like they speak for me when I ain’t sent ’em. They out here sayin’ there won’t be no war or hunger in this land, but they the ones gonna feel the wrath of war and hunger.
And those prophets’ followers? They gonna get tossed out in the streets of Jerusalem, starvin’ and scared, with no one to bury ’em—no fam, no kids, nobody. ‘Cause their evil deeds gonna catch up with ’em.
So, you gotta drop this on ’em: Let my tears flow day and night, no holdin’ back. ‘Cause, ya feel me, the innocent youth from my squad? They’re shattered, like, totally wrecked and in pain.
Picture this, right? I stroll out into the countryside, and it’s like, dead bodies everywhere ’cause of the sword! Then, I hit up the city, and it’s straight-up famine, people wastin’ away! It’s wild, dude. Even the prophets and priests? Lost in a land they don’t know jack about. They’re hustlin’ like merchants, tryna make a buck, but nobody’s even clockin’ it, you feel?
Did you straight-up ditch Judah? Did you, like, totally ghost Zion? Why you gotta hit us so hard, leaving no room for a comeback? We were banking on peace, but it’s crickets; and looking for healing, but wham, trouble hits us outta nowhere!
Yo, Big Guy, we gotta own our mistakes, acknowledge the messed-up stuff our ancestors pulled. We seriously dropped the ball on you.
Don’t diss us for your rep’s sake, don’t leave your throne of glory hanging: remember us, don’t bounce on our covenant.
Seriously though, can those lame idols the non-believers bow to make it rain? Can they make the skies pour down water? Nah, it’s all You, Lord our God, holding the reins. That’s why we’re chillin’, putting our trust in You, ’cause You’re the one running this show.

Jeremiah 15

God was like, ‘Yo, even if Moses and Samuel were standing right here, I wouldn’t be cool with these people. Kick ’em out of my sight and let them go!’
And if they ask you where we should go, you should be like, “This is what the LORD says: Those destined to die will die, those meant to be slain by the sword will be, those meant to face famine will, and those meant to be taken captive will be.”
And I’ll appoint four kinds of things to deal with them, says the LORD: sharp swords to bring death, fierce dogs to tear them apart, birds of the sky to swoop down on them, and savage beasts to devour and demolish them.
And I’m gonna totally scatter them all over the place, across every kingdom on earth, because of Manasseh, Hezekiah’s son, who was the king of Judah. He did all kinds of messed up stuff in Jerusalem, you know? They’re gonna be, like, relocated and stuff, you feel me?
Yo, who’s gonna throw some love and compassion your way, Jerusalem? Who’s gonna have your back, or even bother to see how you’re holding up?
God’s like, ‘Bro, you’ve totally ghosted me. You’re regressing, not progressing. So now, I’m gonna let the consequences roll in. I’ve had enough of letting things slide.’
And I’ll straight up expose them in front of everyone in their own land; I’ll strip away their future generations, I’ll bring total havoc upon my people, because they refuse to change their ways.
“Yo, there’s like a crazy number of widows these days, more than all the sand at the beach, I swear. It’s been a total nightmare for this city—like a disaster smacking us right in broad daylight. Out of the blue, bam! Everyone’s freaked out, shook to the core.”
“The mom who had seven kids is totally worn out and passed away. Her days went from sunny to straight-up dark, even with the sun shining. She’s feeling ashamed and crushed, and now her kids are facing enemies with swords, all as the LORD said.”
“Man, Mom, life’s rough. Everywhere I turn, there’s drama and beef! I’ve never charged interest when loaning out cash, and nobody’s done that to me either. But somehow, everyone’s got issues with me and keeps throwing shade.”
“God said, straight up, things are gonna look up for the few of y’all left. Seriously, I’m gonna make your enemies chill and be cool with you when times get tough and you’re going through it.”
“Can a sick beat even compare to the ultimate banger, though?”
“I’m gonna scoop up all your stuff and treasures for free, because of all the messed up things you’ve done, all across your turf.”
“I’m gonna send you chillin’ with your enemies to some totally unknown spot, ’cause my anger’s fired up and it’s gonna roast ya.”
“Hey God, you know what’s good: remember me, kick it with me, and serve up justice to those haters. Please don’t bounce while you’re chillin’ and patient. Just so you know, I’ve caught flak for reppin’ you.”
“I found your words and totally vibed with them; they brought me mad joy and happiness. ‘Cause I’m all about you, O LORD God Almighty.”
“I didn’t kick it with those haters or party with ’em; I kept it solo ’cause I’m all about your vibe.”
“Why does my pain keep going and my wounds won’t even heal up? Are you just gonna keep ghosting me, like water that always dries up?”
“Yo, check it out, this is what the LORD’s saying: If you’re down to turn around and come back to me, I’m totally welcoming you back. You’ll be right here with me, no questions asked. And if you choose what’s right over what’s wrong, I’ll make you my spokesperson. Let those peeps come to you, but you don’t gotta go back to them, okay?”
“I’ll make you as tough as a super strong, indestructible wall for these peeps. They might try to throw down, but they won’t stand a chance ’cause I got your back to save and protect you,” says the LORD.
“I’ll rescue you from those wicked folks and save you from the seriously scary ones.”

Jeremiah 16

Yo, the LORD dropped a message on me, like,
Don’t even think about settling down or having kids around here, fam.
Yo, check it! This is what the LORD says about all the kids born here, their moms who brought them into the world, and their dads who made it happen in this land.
They’ll face a harsh fate—no mourning, no burial; they’ll be like trash on the ground. They’ll be taken out by war and hunger, and their corpses will be food for birds and wild animals.
Yo, peep this! The Most High says, don’t even think about going to their funerals, don’t get caught up in their sadness or show any pity. ‘Cause I’ve turned away from these folks, yo! I’m talking about all the love and mercy I used to give them.
Everyone, from the top dogs to the nobodies, will bite the dust in this spot. There won’t be any fancy burials, grieving, or self-inflicted cuts as a sign of sadness.
Don’t shed tears or try to comfort them when someone kicks the bucket. They won’t even get a sip to drown their sorrows after losing their mom or dad.
Don’t roll up to their hangout spot, fam, to chill and grub with them.
Yo, peep this word from the Almighty, the God of Israel: Check it out, I’m shutting down all the parties and celebrations in this hood while you’re here. No more laughter, joy, or wedding bashes.
So, when you drop these words on these peeps and they’re like, ‘Yo, why is the LORD dropping all this bad stuff on us? What did we mess up? What’s our sin that we’ve done against the LORD our God?’
So, here’s the deal, guys: you gotta understand that your ancestors totally ghosted me, says the LORD. They went after other gods, serving and worshipping them instead of me. They straight-up ditched me and didn’t even bother following my rules.
And you all have totally gone even further than your ancestors; because check it, each one of you is just following the wild ideas in their wicked hearts, doing your best to ignore me.
So here’s the deal: I’m gonna boot you out of this place and send you to a totally unfamiliar land—like, you and your folks won’t know a thing about it. And over there, you’ll be all about those other gods non-stop, no breaks. Just so you know, I won’t be cutting you any slack.
Yo, listen up! The Lord says, there’ll come a time when people won’t be going around saying, ‘Praise the Lord, who freed the Israelites from Egypt!’
Yo, for real though, the LORD is still in the game—he’s the one who brought the children of Israel back from the north and from wherever they got scattered. And you can bet I’m gonna bring them back to their homeland, the one their ancestors were blessed with.
Yo, check it! God’s saying, ‘I’m gonna call some fishers to reel them in, and then I’ll send out hunters to track them down from every mountain, hill, and rocky crag.’
I’ve got my eyes on everything they’re doing—nothing can escape my notice, not even their sins.
So like, I’m gonna make them pay double for their wrongs and sins. They totally messed up my land and filled my inheritance with gross and horrifying stuff. Not cool at all.
OMG, God, you’re my ultimate rock, my ride-or-die, my safe place when things get tough. People from all over the world will turn to you in times of trouble and be like, ‘Wow, our ancestors fell for all sorts of BS and worthless stuff.’
Can a dude really make up gods for himself when they’re not even real gods?
Yo, peep this, I’m about to make these folks recognize who’s in charge. I’m gonna show my power and let ’em know my name is The LORD. Yeah, you heard it right, The LORD — aka JEHOVAH.

Jeremiah 17

Judah’s screw-up is etched deep with a super strong pen and a fancy diamond tip. It’s engraved on the tablet of their heart and on the sleek corners of your altars.
Meanwhile, their kids are all like, ‘Yo, we won’t forget those altars and groves in the forest on those lit hills’.
Yo, my mountain out in the field, all your stuff and treasures are gonna get looted, and your hangout spots are gonna be used for shady stuff all over the place.
And you, you’re totally gonna lose the heritage I gave you; you’re gonna end up serving your enemies in some random place you don’t even know: ’cause you’ve seriously ticked me off, and my anger’s gonna burn forever. (like, for real)
Listen up! God’s like, ‘Yo, if you trust others more than me and put your faith in human strength instead of mine, you’re heading for trouble.’ So keep your heart fixed on the Lord, alright?
They’ll be like a solitary cactus in the desert, totally clueless when good times roll in. They’ll be stuck in dry, barren places, where everything is bleak and devoid of vibes, bro.
Dude, you’re totally blessed if you put your trust in the LORD and make Him your ultimate hope.
Yo, that person is gonna be like a tree chilling by the water, roots spreadin’ out by the river. Even when it gets scorching hot, they stay fresh with green leaves. They don’t stress during dry seasons and keep on producing fruit. Can’t stop their flow, man!
Bro, the heart can be sneaky and full of wickedness, you feel me? Like, who even knows what’s really going on in there?
As the LORD, I dive deep into people’s hearts and test their true intentions, so I can give each person what they deserve based on their actions and outcomes.
Like, you know how a partridge sits on eggs but never hatches them? Well, same deal with someone who gets rich by shady means. They might enjoy their wealth for a bit, but in the end, they’ll end up with nothing and just look like a total fool.
Bro, our sanctuary has been a high throne from the get-go, straight up lit.
Yo, God, the ultimate hope of Israel, anyone who disses you is gonna be super embarrassed. Those who ghost you will get no clout, ’cause they’ve turned their backs on you, the source of eternal awesomeness.
God, please fix me up and I’ll be all set; rescue me, and I’ll be saved, ’cause you’re my ultimate hype.
Yo, they’re asking, ‘Where’s that word from the LORD? Show us already.’
As for me, I didn’t rush to follow you as a spiritual leader. I didn’t even wish for trouble to come. Everything I said was righteous in your eyes.
Yo, don’t trip me out, fam! You’re my beacon in the darkest times.
Let those who front on me get straight clowned, but I’m staying steady. Let them get shook, but I’m keeping it real. Let them face the karma of their messed-up moves, and let them get wrecked
God was like, “Yo, chill by the VIP entrance where the Judah squad kicks it—where the kings roll through and all the gates of Jerusalem.”
“Hey, listen up, kings of Judah, all the crew from Judah and Jerusalem, and all y’all coming through these gates, peep what the LORD’s saying:”
Aight, check it! The LORD’s saying straight up: take care of yourselves and don’t be hauling heavy stuff through the gates of Jerusalem on the Sabbath day.
Yo, don’t be schlepping stuff outta your crib on the Sabbath, and don’t be out there grinding. Just straight up respect and honor the Sabbath day, like I schooled your ancestors to do.
But yo, they straight up didn’t listen at all. They were hella stubborn, refused to hear any guidance.
Listen up, fam! If you peep what I’m saying, says the LORD, and don’t be hauling stuff through the city gates on the Sabbath day, but instead respect it and keep it holy by not doing any work.
Yo, in the future, kings and princes are gonna roll into this city, chilling on David’s throne, flexing in their chariots and on horses. They and their crew—Judah’s squad and Jerusalem’s peeps—will all be vibing in this epic city. And you know what? It’s gonna stand forever, no lie.
People from all over Judah, the surrounding areas of Jerusalem, Benjamin, the plains, the mountains, and the south will come together. They’ll bring offerings like burnt offerings, sacrifices, grain offerings, and incense. They’ll also bring praises to the house of the LORD.
But if you straight up ignore me and disrespect the Sabbath by hauling burdens through the gates of Jerusalem, then I’m gonna light it up. A fire will blaze in those gates, devouring the grand palaces of Jerusalem, and it won’t be put out.

Jeremiah 18

Jeremiah was chilling, right, and then BAM, the LORD hits him up with a message like,
“Hey dude, rise up and roll to the potter’s spot. I’m about to drop some serious truth on you when you get there.”
So, I jet over to this potter’s joint, and guess what? Homeboy was whipping up something epic on these sick wheels.
So, the potter was making this dope clay pot, but it got messed up, you know? But it’s all good ’cause the potter just started over and crafted an even sicker pot. The potter can do whatever he wants with his creations, no doubt.
And then God reached out to me, like,
Yo fam, can’t I do my thing with y’all? That’s what the LORD says. Check it, just like clay in the potter’s hands, you all are in my hands, O house of Israel.
When I’m talking about a nation or kingdom, I might be ready to bring it down and wipe it out.
If that nation I said was gonna get wrecked decides to turn things around, I’m totally gonna flip and not lay down the punishment!
And when I’m talking about a nation or kingdom, it’s ’cause I’m gearing up to build and plant big-time, you know?
If it does something whack in my sight and doesn’t vibe with me, then I’ll switch up my plans about all the dope things I was gonna do for them.
So, like, go hit up the peeps in Judah and Jerusalem. Spread this word from the LORD: Yo, pay attention! I’m plotting some heavy stuff and brainstorming strategies against you. But here’s the deal: ditch your messed up ways and start doing what’s right instead.
And they were like, man, we’re totally lost. So we just went ahead and did whatever we felt like, following our own selfish desires.
So, listen up, this is what the LORD says: Go ask around the nations, have they ever seen anything like this? The young generation of Israel has seriously messed up!
Would someone ignore the fresh powder from a mountain like Lebanon or give up on a cool, refreshing spring? No chance!
Yo, my crew straight-up forgot about me and started wasting time on whack stuff. They’ve gone off course, ditching the tried-and-true paths for some shady ones that ain’t even paved.
I’m gonna straight-up wreck their land and make it a laughingstock; anyone who rolls through will be shook and just shaking their head.
When the enemy comes, I’ll hit ’em with a fierce wind, totally scatter ’em and send ’em running with their tails between their legs when disaster hits.
So they were all like, “Yo, let’s scheme up some shady plans against Jeremiah, ’cause we ain’t letting the priests, wise folks, or prophets have any say! Yeah, let’s totally roast him with our words and ignore everything he says, you feel?”
Yo, God! Hear me out and keep an ear out for those haters coming at me.
Are they really gonna pay back good with evil? They straight-up dug a pit for my soul. Bro, remember, I stood there speaking up for them, trying to keep You from getting heated.
So let their kids suffer hunger and get taken out by swords, let their wives become childless and widowed. And yeah, let the men get taken out and the young dudes fall in battle. Let it all play out, man.
Yo, if you come at them unexpectedly, let their homes echo with cries. They ain’t slick, scheming traps to catch me slipping and stumbling.
Yo, God, you know all the messed up stuff they’re plotting against me, straight-up wanting to take me down. Please don’t let them slide for their wrongdoing, and don’t just brush off their sin. Let them face the consequences head-on and handle it when you’re upset. (And just to clarify, “taking me out” means killing me – just so you know.)

Jeremiah 19

Hey, check it out! God’s like, ‘Yo, go snag a clay bottle made by a potter. And oh, don’t forget to bring a few elders from the crew, including some priests.’
Roll up to the valley of the son of Hinnom, near the entrance of the east gate (aka the sun gate), and drop the message there just like I’m telling you.
Yo, Kings of Judah and peeps of Jerusalem! Here’s the 411 from the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Brace yourselves, ’cause I’m ’bout to drop some heavy trouble on this spot. It’s gonna be so wild, everyone who hears about it will be straight-up shook!
Yo, check it out: these people totally ditched me and turned this place into something unrecognizable. They even started worshiping gods that not even their ancestors or the kings of Judah knew about. And to top it off, they’ve filled this place with the blood of innocent peeps. Like, seriously not cool, fam.
They even set up these high places for worshiping Baal, where they would do messed up stuff like sacrificing their own kids and burning them as offerings to Baal. Like, I never told them to do that—never even crossed my mind, and I definitely didn’t cosign that.
So, listen up, fam! God’s saying there’s gonna come a time when this place won’t be called Tophet or The Valley of the son of Hinnom anymore. Nah, it’s gonna be known as The Valley of Slaughter.
And I’m gonna totally mess up Judah and Jerusalem’s plans right here; their enemies are gonna wreck them big time. Their dead bodies? Yeah, I’m letting the birds and animals feast on them.
And I’m gonna turn this city into a total joke; anyone who passes by will be mind-blown and laugh at all the wild stuff going down there.
I’m gonna make them so desperate that they’ll end up eating their own kids and friends when they’re under attack and trapped by their enemies.
Then, dude, you gotta smash that bottle right in front of your squad.
And you gotta spread the word, this is what the LORD of the Universe is saying: I’m gonna bring destruction upon this whole people and city, like smashing a potter’s fancy vase beyond repair. They’ll bury the shattered pieces in Tophet until there’s no space left. It’s irreparable, end of story.
“This is what the LORD says: I’m gonna make this city just like Tophet, all burned up and ruined.”
“The houses of Jerusalem and the pads of Judah’s rulers are gonna be defiled like Tophet. Why? ‘Cause they’ve been into that rooftop incense trend, offering drinks to other gods in the sky.”
“So Jeremiah rolled up to Tophet because the LORD sent him there to speak truth. He strolled into the courtyard of the LORD’s crib and dropped this message:
“Yo, listen up! The Almighty God of Israel has a word. This city and all its hood are gonna face serious consequences ’cause they straight-up ignored my warnings. They were too caught up to hear my truth.”

Jeremiah 20

Alright, check this out: There was this dude Pashur, son of Immer the priest and big shot at the house of the LORD. He hears that Jeremiah’s spitting some heavy prophecies.
Pashur straight up goes after Jeremiah, the prophet, and tosses him into those ancient wooden stocks near Benjamin’s main entrance, which is like, right by the house of the LORD.
The next day, Pashur let Jeremiah out of lockup. Then Jeremiah dropped this on him: “Yo, the LORD didn’t dub you Pashur anymore, now you’re Magormissabib. Just so you know, Magormissabib means ‘Fear all around.’”
Yo, peep this, God says: Listen up, I’m about to make you and your crew freak out and scare yourselves silly. Your enemies are gonna bring the heat with their swords, and you’ll witness it go down. The king of Babylon will snatch up all of Judah and haul them off as prisoners to Babylon, where he’ll straight up lay ’em out with his sword.
I’m gonna let your enemies swoop in and snatch up all the power, hard work, riches, and treasures of this city, handing it all over to Babylon. They’re gonna raid it, grab everything, and bounce, no questions asked.
Yo, Pashur and all your crew, listen up: you’re gonna get snatched up and taken as prisoners. Then you’ll end up in Babylon, where you’ll meet your end and be buried, along with all your homies you’ve been feeding false prophecies to.
Whoa, God, you totally blindsided me and I fell for it: you’re way more powerful than I am, and you totally came out on top. Every day, I feel like a laughingstock, everyone’s throwing shade at me.
Ever since I started speaking out, I’ve been calling out the injustice and theft going on. People have been dissing and mocking me every single day, just ’cause I’m standing firm with the Lord’s word.
So, I was like, “Yeah, I’m not gonna bring him up or say his name.” But man, his word was like this intense fire burning inside me. It was locked up in my bones and I was exhausted from trying to hold it in, dude. I just couldn’t stay silent, you feel me?
So, there were all these people talking smack about me, and I was legit scared all the time. They were like, “Give us some dirt on him, and we’ll spread it everywhere.” Even my close crew was waiting for me to slip up, trying to trap me and take me down. It felt like everyone was against me, even the ones who were supposed to have my back.
God’s got my back like a boss, so all those haters trying to bring me down are gonna stumble and flop big time. They’ll be so embarrassed and never catch a break. Their epic fail will be remembered forever.
Yo, Almighty One, you know what’s real and you see everything. Show me how you deal with those who messed with me, ’cause I’ve put it all out there for you.
Yo, big ups to the LORD, give mad respect to the LORD ’cause he came through and rescued the souls of all the struggling peeps from the grip of wicked villains.
Dang, I can’t even with my birthday, like, seriously not feeling #blessed, ya know? And don’t even try to say my birth was lit. That’s a hard pass.
Yo, for real, who even told my dad I popped out? He was hyped AF!
Let that person be like those cities the LORD wiped out without a second thought. May they hear cries of distress in the morning and shouts of joy at noon.
Like, I wish I’d never been born, or that I’d been hidden away and never seen the light of day.
Why did I even come out just to see all this trouble and sorrow? It’s like my life is one big cringe fest.

Jeremiah 21

Jeremiah heard from the LORD when King Zed sent Pashur, son of Mel, and Zeph, son of Maas, the priest, to chat with him.
Yo, could you, like, hit up the LORD for us? ‘Cause Nebuchadnezzar, the Babylonian king, is messing with our vibe. It’d be legit if the LORD could flex like He did in the past and make Neb back off.
Jeremiah was like, “Okay, listen up, peeps. Here’s the message for Zedekiah:”
This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: Yo, I’m about to make a power move. I’m gonna disarm you, taking away the weapons you’re using against the king of Babylon and those Chaldeans who got you surrounded outside the city walls. I’ll collect all those weapons right here in the heart of the city.
I’m gonna be straight up against you, showing my power and getting real mad, with intense rage and furious wrath.
I’m gonna bring down some heavy consequences on the people and animals in this city—they’re gonna face a major plague and perish.
And yo, check it, says the LORD, I’m gonna give Zedekiah, the king of Judah, his crew, and anyone left in this city who hasn’t been taken out by disease, weapons, or hunger, over to Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, and their enemies who are after ’em. And trust me, Nebuchadnezzar ain’t gonna hold back—he’ll be ruthless, slashing ’em with his sword, no mercy, no sympathy.
Yo, listen up fam! This is what the LORD has to say to y’all: Here’s the deal—I’m giving you two choices. One leads to living your best life, and the other heads straight to destruction.
If you stick around this city, you’re looking at death by sword, hunger, and disease. But if you surrender to the Chaldeans who are rolling in, you’ll make it out alive and it’ll be a win for you.
Yo, I’m totally against this city, not gonna lie, okay? That’s the word from the LORD. It’s gonna be handed over to the king of Babylon, and he’s gonna straight up set it on fire.
And regarding the royal palace in Judah, pay attention, everyone, ’cause I’ve got a message from the Lord.
Hear this, fam of David, peep what the LORD’s saying: Start the day off right with justice, and stand up for those who’ve been crushed by the power-tripping oppressors. If you don’t, I’m telling you, my anger will burn like an unquenchable fire, all because of the messed-up things you’ve been doing. Don’t sleep on this, ya feel me?!
Yo, listen up, folks living in the valleys and caves, says the LORD. You think you’re untouchable, huh? Like, who’s gonna step to us or invade our turf? But wait, I’m about to drop some truth on you.
But I’m about to bring down some consequences for your actions, says the LORD. I’m gonna light a fire in that forest of yours, and it’s gonna burn everything around it. #consequences #burnbabyburn

Jeremiah 22

Yo, here’s the word straight from the Most High: Roll up to the palace of the king of Judah and lay down this truth bomb.
Yo, check it out, fam! I’ve got a message straight from the Most High for you, King of Judah, posted up on David’s throne, with your crew and everyone coming through these gates!
Yo, listen up! Here’s the word from the Most High: Stand up for what’s righteous, fight against injustice, and help out those who’ve been mistreated. Don’t get into anything shady, and be kind to newcomers, orphans, and widows. And most importantly, no spilling innocent blood in this land.
If you’re really on this vibe, kings will totally show up to this place like bosses, chilling on David’s throne, rolling in fancy chariots and on horses, with all their crew, servants, and peeps.
But if you all straight up refuse to vibe with these words, I swear by myself, says the LORD, this place is gonna be left deserted.
Yo, here’s the word from the LORD to the king’s fam in Judah: You’re like Gilead to me, like the boss of Lebanon, but don’t get too comfy ’cause I’m gonna turn you into a desert with empty cities.
And I’ll send some heavy hitters your way, each with their own epic weapons. They’ll chop down your top-tier cedars and toss them into the fire.
And a bunch of nations are gonna roll up to this city and be like, ‘Yo, why did the Lord just wreck this massive city?’
So, like, when they’re questioned about it, they’ll be all like, ‘Seriously, we ditched God’s deal and started worshipping other gods, totally giving ourselves to them.’
Don’t mourn for the dead or cry for them, but grieve deeply for those who are leaving, because they won’t return or see their homes again.
Yo, here’s the scoop: God’s word about Shallum, Josiah’s son who stepped up as king of Judah after his dad. So, listen up, fam, here’s how it is: Once Shallum bounces from here, he’s not coming back, you dig?
But, like, he’s gonna pass away in the place where they took him captive and won’t see this land again.
Cursed is the one who builds their pad using shady schemes, and their digs with ill-gotten gains; who freeloads off their neighbor’s services without paying up, and doesn’t give them their due for their hustle.
They’re like, ‘I’m gonna build myself a dope pad with extra spacious rooms, and I’m gonna have big windows to let in all that natural light.’ And they’re gonna deck it out fancy with cedar ceilings and vibrant vermilion paint.
Yo, just ’cause you flexin’ a fancy life and all about that luxury, don’t mean you gonna be a top leader, ya feel? Check it—your old man kept it real humble, stayed fair and square, and look how things turned out for him.
Homeboy was all about lookin’ out for the strugglin’ and the needy, and bam, life was golden for him. Ain’t that the big man upstairs showin’ us how it’s done? Straight up facts.
Bro, if all you care about is getting that paper, hurting the innocent, shutting down others, and straight up violence for no reason—nah, that’s not the vibe.
Check this out, fam! This is straight from the Big Man about Jehoiakim, Josiah’s son and king of Judah. Ain’t nobody gonna shed tears for him like, “Oh man, bro!” or “Oh girl!” Nah, ain’t nobody gonna be cryin’ over his awesomeness!
Yo, he’s gonna get buried like some random donkey, dragged and tossed outside Jerusalem’s gates.
Start yellin’ in Lebanon, scream out in Bashan—let everyone hear you across the whole land! ‘Cause all your crushes have been straight up wrecked.
I’ve been trying to vibe with you when things were good, but you were like, ‘Nah, not hearing it.’ That’s been your deal since you were a young buck, always brushing off what I had to say.
The storm’s gonna sweep away all your big shots, and your crushes will get snatched up. That’s when you’ll feel the shame and regret for all the messed up stuff you pulled.
Ayo, you posted up in Lebanon, loungin’ in them cedar trees, better prep yourself. When that pain hits, it’s gonna hit hard—like labor pains, fam! It ain’t gonna be smooth sailing, believe that!
I’m tellin’ you straight up, even if Coniah, son of Jehoiakim, king of Judah, was my right-hand homie, I’d still drop him, no cap, swear to God.
And I’m gonna let those crews who are gunning for you catch you, including the ones who freak you out the most—yeah, even Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, and the Chaldeans.
I’m sending you packing, along with your own mom who birthed you, to a whole different country where you weren’t even born. That’s where it’s gonna be curtains for you.
But yo, even if they’re dead set on going back to where they came from, it ain’t goin’ down like that. They can be all about it in their minds, but it ain’t happening.
Is Coniah, like, straight up dissed and worthless? Is he just some useless tool no one wants? Why they gotta kick him and his fam out, toss ’em into a place they don’t even know?
Ayo, Earth, hear this loud and clear—’cause the LORD’s droppin’ some truth on ya.
God’s like, ‘Listen up, this dude ain’t gonna have no heirs to carry on his legacy. He won’t thrive in this life, and none of his descendants will ever sit on David’s throne and rule over Judah.’

Jeremiah 23

Yo, it’s like a major bummer when those leaders mess up and scatter my crew, you know? That’s straight from the LORD.
So check it out, fam. This is what the Most High, the LORD God of Israel, has to say about those shepherds who should’ve been looking after my people. Y’all seriously messed up big time. You scattered my crew, pushed them away, and didn’t even bother to check in on them. Well, get ready, ’cause payback’s coming your way. The LORD said it, and He’s gonna make sure you face the consequences for all the wrong you’ve done.
And I’m gonna gather up all those peeps I scattered to different places, bring ’em back to their fams, and watch ’em thrive big time.
Check it out, I’m gonna set up some dope leaders to look after ’em and make sure they’re well taken care of. No more stress or worries, no more lacking. That’s straight from the LORD.
Yo, check it! The LORD says get ready, ’cause there’s a day coming when I’ll raise up a righteous leader from David’s crew. This King will rule with success, bringing real justice and fairness to the whole earth.
Under his reign, Judah will be saved, and Israel will chill in safety. He’ll be known as THE LORD OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS.
Yo, listen up! The big guy upstairs, aka the LORD, is dropping a truth bomb on you. There’s gonna come a time when no one’s gonna be saying, “Yo, the LORD totally saved the Israelites from Egypt!”
For real though, the LORD is the one who rescued and guided the descendants of Israel from the north country and all the places they got scattered. And now, they’re gonna kick it in their own land, no doubt.
Bro, my heart is totally crushed because of those prophets! I’m so shook, like my bones are legit trembling. I feel drained, you know, completely overwhelmed by the LORD and His super holy words.
The whole place is filled with cheaters and liars; because people are always cursing, the land is all sad and messed up. The beautiful natural spots are all dried up and ruined because everyone is doing evil and using their power for the wrong reasons.
Can you believe it? Even those who call themselves prophets and priests have been acting so uncool and disrespectful. Like, seriously? They’ve been doing some really messed up stuff right here in my house, declares the almighty LORD.
So, their way is gonna be shady and dark—they’re gonna be totally lost and stumble into it. ‘Cause when it’s time for them to face the music, I’m gonna bring some serious consequences their way, says the LORD.
So, I totally saw some major facepalm moments with those prophets in Samaria. They were all hyped about Baal, leading my people from Israel astray. Can you believe it? Talk about a major fail! 😳
Yo, I saw some messed up stuff going down with the prophets in Jerusalem – it’s seriously disturbing. These guys are cheating on their partners, spreading lies all over the place. And they’re backing the bad guys, making sure nobody turns away from their wicked ways. To me, they’re like Sodom and its people, or even Gomorrah. Real talk.
Yo, peep this! Here’s what the LORD of all the cool kids has to say about those prophets. I’m gonna give ’em a bitter dose of wormwood and make ’em gulp down seriously bitter water. Why? ‘Cause these prophets from Jerusalem are spreading major fakeness everywhere, like, seriously all over the place. We can’t vibe with that in the land, you feel me?!
Yo, check it, the big guy upstairs says don’t even listen to those fake prophets who act all high and mighty. They’re just spouting nonsense from their own heads, not from God himself.
They keep telling those who reject me, “God says you’ll be good, no worries.” And to everyone following their own desires, they’re like, “No bad vibes will come your way.”
Yo, who’s been vibing with the LORD and really getting what He’s saying? Who’s been tuning in to His words and truly hearing them, you know? Like, staying woke and actually listening?
Check it out, the LORD is bringing a furious whirlwind, like super intense. It’s gonna come crashing down hard on the wicked, no joke.
God’s not backing down until He makes things happen and does what He wants. You’ll see it down the road, just trust.
These prophets weren’t even sent by me, but they’re out there spouting off. I didn’t give them any words, but they’re still claiming to prophesy.
But yo, if they had just vibed with me and spread my truth to my people, they could’ve really helped them turn away from their messed up ways.
Bruh, I’m not just some local deity, says the LORD. I’m global—no distance can keep me away.
Like, can anyone really hide in some secret spot where I won’t notice? Says the LORD. Uh, hello? I totally fill up the whole heaven and earth, okay? Says the LORD.
So, I’ve heard what those prophets are saying; they claim to speak for me, but it’s all fake news. They’re like, “I had this totally unreal dream, man, like twice!”
For real though, how much longer are these fake prophets gonna keep spreading lies and stuff? They’re just following their own deceitful hearts, man.
Some people are out here trying to make my peeps forget my name by spreading their dreams to everyone around them, just like their ancestors forgot my name for Baal.
If you got a dream, go ahead and share it. And if you’ve received my word, speak it honestly. Seriously, why waste time on useless chatter when there’s something valuable right in front of you? That’s what the LORD says.
Yo, you ready for this? Check it out—ain’t my word like fire? The Lord says it’s like a hammer smashing that rock into pieces!
Yo, check it! God ain’t vibin’ with these prophets who straight up jack each other’s words, says the LORD.
Listen, fam! God’s callin’ out those prophets who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They front like they speak for Him, but it’s all cap—no real deal.
Yo, check it! I ain’t down with those folks who keep frontin’ with fake dreams, declares the LORD. They messin’ with my crew, leadin’ ’em off track with their lies and carelessness. But yo, just so you clear, I never sent ’em or gave ’em the green light for any of that. So nah, they ain’t gonna do my crew any favors, says the LORD.
And if these peeps, or the prophet, or a priest, slide into your DMs like, “Yo, what’s the LORD want from us?” then you gotta hit ’em with, “Bruh, what are you even saying? I’m done with you,” says the LORD.
And listen up, if there’s these peeps—the prophet, the priest, or anyone in the squad—frontin’ like they got some heavy message from the big man upstairs, I ain’t lettin’ ’em slide. Believe me, I’ll make sure they get what’s coming to ’em, and their whole crew will feel the heat too.
So, tell your homie and your squad to be like, “Yo, what’s the word from the LORD, and what’s He layin’ down?”
Don’t be spreadin’ that burden of the LORD no more. Everyone gotta own up to their own words now, you feel? ‘Cause y’all messed up by twistin’ the words of the livin’ God, the LORD Almighty, our God.
So, when you kick it with a prophet, ask ’em straight up, “Yo, what’s the word from the LORD? What kinda message did He drop?”
But peep this, ’cause some of y’all be sayin’, “Oh, the LORD’s carryin’ a heavy load,” let me set the record straight. The LORD’s like, “Hold up, hold up! I already told y’all not to go spreadin’ that ‘heavy load’ talk.”
So check it, I’m gonna straight up ghost you and bounce. And it’s not just you—I’m also gonna dip on the city I hooked up for you and your ancestors, and kick you outta my sight.
And I’m gonna straight up bring the ultimate shame on you, like, forever and ever! It’s gonna be a disgrace that sticks, and trust me, it won’t be forgotten.

Jeremiah 24

Alright, so God was like, “Yo, peep this!” There were these two baskets of figs right outside God’s crib. This happened after Nebuchadrezzar, the Babylonian king, snagged Jeconiah, son of Jehoiakim, the king of Judah, and other big shots like carpenters and blacksmiths from Jerusalem, and hauled them off to Babylon.
So, one of the baskets had these lit figs, like, super on point and perfectly ripe. But dang, the other basket was full of straight-up nasty figs, like, totally rotten and not even worth a taste. (For real, they were that bad!)
So God was like, “Yo Jeremiah, check it out, what do you see, bro?” And I was like, “Dude, I’m seeing some figs. Some are totally awesome, like top-tier good vibes. But then there are others that are seriously messed up, like straight-up terrible. Can’t even eat those, man. They’re THAT bad.”
Then the LORD hit me up again, like, “Bruh, listen to this…”
Yo, says the Lord, the God of Israel: Just like these fresh figs, I’m gonna look out for those who got taken captive from Judah and sent to Chaldea. Don’t stress, I did it for their own good, you feel me?
Because, like, I’m totally gonna keep watching over them for good times, and I’m gonna bring them back to this chill land. I’m gonna level them up, not tear them down. Plus, I’m gonna plant them and make sure they stay grounded.
And I’ll give them understanding to know me as the LORD. They’ll be my crew, and I’ll be their God, because they’ll return to me with all their heart.
And like, you know those nasty figs that are just trash? They’re like, wicked bad, seriously. God’s saying, “Yeah, I’m totally gonna bring some serious consequences on Zedekiah, the king of Judah, and all his bougie crew, and everyone chillin’ in Jerusalem or Egypt.”
And I’ll totally scatter them all over the world, bringing them hardship and making them a joke, a laughingstock, and a curse wherever they end up. It’s gonna be a real mess, but it’s gonna happen. Trust.
And I’ll bring some serious chaos – swords, famine, and diseases – on them until they’re wiped out from the land that I gave to their ancestors as a blessing.

Jeremiah 25

Yo, check it—God dropped this message on Jeremiah about everyone in Judah during Jehoiakim’s fourth year ruling. Jehoiakim, son of Josiah, was holding it down in Judah. This all went down when Nebuchadnezzar took the throne in Babylon that same year.
Yo, fam, listen up! Jeremiah, the prophet, had some serious words for all y’all in Judah and Jerusalem. He was like:
“For the past 13 years, ever since Josiah, son of Amon, became king of Judah, the word of the LORD has been coming to me. I’ve been faithfully delivering His messages, getting up early to bring them to you. But y’all haven’t been listening.”
Yo, the LORD sent all His prophets to y’all. He woke up early and sent them, but you didn’t listen or pay attention.
They were like, “Listen up! It’s time for y’all to turn away from your messed up ways and the bad stuff you’ve been doing. Instead, live in this land that the LORD has blessed you and your ancestors with forever and ever.”
Yo, don’t be chasing after those other gods, thinking they’re worth your time and attention. Don’t get caught up in idol worship and tick me off with your own creations. If you stay true to me, I won’t bring any harm your way, fam.
But you didn’t listen to me, says the LORD. That just got me heated when you messed things up for yourselves.
Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD of all things awesome is saying: “Hey, you all haven’t been paying attention to my words,”
Yo, peep this, fam! The LORD’s like, “I’m gonna head up north and gather all the families,” says the LORD. Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, gonna ride with me, and together we gonna roll up on this land, its people, and even them other nations nearby. We gonna wipe ’em all out, leaving ’em shook, hissing, and turning everything into an endless wasteland.
“And I’m gonna shut down their laughter, joy, wedding celebrations, the sounds of grinding mills, and the light of candles. #SorryNotSorry #GoneWithTheSound
And yo, this whole land is gonna be wrecked, man. It’s gonna be a real shocker and stuff. These other nations, they’re gonna be servin’ the king of Babylon for a solid seventy years, dude.”
So like, in about seventy years from now, there’s gonna be major consequences for the king of Babylon and his whole crew, just like the LORD said. It’s all ’cause of their wrongdoing and how messed up the land of the Chaldeans is. It’s gonna be like total desolation, you feel me?!
And I’m gonna lay down all my truths on that place, just like everything I wrote in this book that Jeremiah spilled about every nation.
So, like, many nations and super influential peeps will totally exploit them for their own gain, ya know? And I’m gonna give them exactly what they deserve based on what they’ve done and all the stuff they’ve made with their own hands.
Yo, the LORD God of Israel came to me and was like, “Take this intense, anger-filled wine cup from me and make all the nations you go to drink from it.”
And when they take a sip, they’re gonna be totally shook and lose it, ’cause they’ll freak out from the chaos I’m unleashing with my sword.
So, I took the cup that the LORD gave me and made all the nations take a sip, just like He told me to.
Yo, check it out: Jerusalem and all them towns in Judah, plus their rulers and leaders, they gonna be wrecked, like totally shook, laughed at, and dissed forever.
And yo, Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, his squad, his homies, and all his peeps;
And yo, all the diverse peeps from different backgrounds, and all the rulers of the land of Uz, and all the big shots from the land of the Philistines—like Ashkelon, Azzah, and Ekron—and the rest of the crew from Ashdod,
Yo, Edom, Moab, and the Ammonites,
And yo, all the top kings of Tyrus, and all the kings of Zidon, and those kings of the lit islands across the sea, you know, the ones by the coast and all that.
Yo, Dedan, Tema, Buz, and everyone kickin’ it in the far corners, rockin’ fresh cuts on the sides of their hair.
And yo, check it—all the kings of Arabia, and those mixed peeps out in the desert, you know what I’m sayin’?
And yo, all the kings of Zimri, and all the kings of Elam, and all the kings of the Medes,
And like, all the kings from up north, whether they’re close by or way out there, right? And all the rad kingdoms spread all over the globe, like literally everywhere on this planet, you know? And then, the king of Sheshach gonna have his drink right after them, dude.
So, like, hear this from God: go ahead, drink up and party all you want, but then you gonna feel sick, crash hard, and won’t be able to bounce back. ‘Cause some serious trouble’s coming your way, like a sword. Straight up truth.
And if they ain’t down to take the cup from you, you gotta let ’em know: this is what the LORD of hosts says—they gonna drink it, no doubt.
Yo, check it out! I’m ’bout to bring some serious trouble to the city that reps my name. Don’t think you’re gonna get away with it, though. Nah, it ain’t happenin’! I’m bringing a straight-up sword to shake things up for every single person on this planet, ’cause that’s what the Lord of all armies says. You better believe it!
Yo, spread the word and speak the truth to everyone. Let ’em know the LORD gonna make some noise, for real, shoutin’ from His holy place. He ’bout to go all out, like stompin’ grapes, makin’ a impact that’ll reach all over the earth.
Get ready, ’cause the whole world’s gonna hear a major commotion! The big man upstairs, you know, the LORD, he’s got some issues with the nations. He’s gonna set things straight with all humanity! The wicked ones don’t stand a chance, ’cause the LORD’s bringing down the sword on ’em. That’s straight from the LORD himself, no cap.
Yo, this is what the LORD of hosts is sayin’: Listen up, everyone! Bad stuff is gonna spread like wildfire from one nation to another, and a massive whirlwind is gonna kick up from all sides of the earth.
And on that day, people will be taken out by the LORD from one end of the earth to the other. There won’t be mourning, gathering, or proper burial for them; they’ll just lie on the ground like trash left out.
Yo, shepherds, let it out and start shedding tears; even you, leaders of the flock, should get down and dirty in the ashes. The days of your destruction and scattering are over; you’re about to fall hard like a prized possession. Yeah, it’s going down.
And those shepherds won’t be able to bail, and the leaders of the flock won’t be able to escape.
Get ready for some major drama among the shepherds and total chaos within the flock, ’cause the Lord has totally wrecked their cushy grazing spot.
And yo, the peaceful places where people live are getting wrecked ’cause the LORD is seriously upset.
He’s coming out like a boss lion ’cause their land is torn apart and ruined from the intense brutality of the oppressor and his furious anger.

Jeremiah 26

Yo, so back in the day when Jehoiakim was king of Judah, son of Josiah, the LORD dropped this message like,
“Hey, listen up! Head to God’s HQ and spread the word to all the towns in Judah. Everyone’s hitting up God’s spot to worship, so make sure you spill all the deets exactly as I say. No edits, okay?”
If they really vibe with what I’m saying and ditch their bad vibes, then I might reconsider the tough love I was gonna dish out because of their messed-up moves.
So, peep this and focus up! Here’s the deal from the man upstairs: If you’re not down to listen and play by the rules I set for you,
Like, I’ve been sending my prophets on blast 24/7 to drop truth bombs, but you’ve been ghosting them;
I’m gonna straight-up wreck this scene, turning it into a hot mess that’ll bring bad vibes to all nations!
So, like, all the crew—priests, prophets, and everyone chilling in the house of the LORD—heard Jeremiah spit these words.
So, when Jeremiah finished dropping all the truth bombs the LORD gave him, the priests, prophets, and everyone else grabbed him and were like, “Bro, you’re definitely gonna get smoked for this.”
Yo, why you out here dropping the LORD’s name, saying this place is gonna be wrecked like Shiloh and this city will be deserted with no one living in it? And all the people are gathering against Jeremiah in the house of the LORD.
When the folks of Judah heard all this, they dipped from the king’s pad to the house of the LORD, and posted up at the entrance of the new gate of the LORD’s place. (You know, at the door.)
So, the priests and prophets rolled up to the leaders and everyone else, and they were like, “Yo, this dude needs to get canceled! He’s been prophesying against our city, just like y’all heard for yourselves!” Yeah, they were talking about taking him out, like, serious death penalty vibes.
So Jeremiah stepped up to all the leaders and everyone else, and he said, “Listen up, the Big Guy sent me to drop some truth bombs on this place and the whole city. I’m here to speak exactly what y’all been hearing.”
So, it’s time to switch up your whole game and how you roll, and just tune in to what the LORD your God is saying, you feel? And if you do, the LORD will totally cool down and take back all the tough stuff He said was coming your way, for real.
So, like, I’m totally putting my trust in you, ready for whatever you’ve got in store. You know what’s best for me, and I’m down with that. Whatever you decide is cool with me, go for it.
Yo, listen up! If you decide to take me out, you’ll be accountable for innocent blood, plus the whole city and its peeps. I’m just being real here—this message straight from the LORD is for you, loud and clear.
So, the leaders and everyone were like chatting with the priests and prophets, you know? And they were all like, “This guy shouldn’t be put to death, man. He was speaking to us in the name of the LORD our God, you feel?”
So, a bunch of the elder statesmen in the land stood up and addressed the whole crowd, like, the whole assembly, and this is what they said,
Yo, so get this—Micah, this guy from Morasthite, was dropping prophecies back when Hezekiah was king of Judah. He straight-up told all the people of Judah, like, “Listen up! This is what the LORD of hosts said: Zion’s gonna get leveled like a field, and Jerusalem will be turned into ruins, with the hill of the temple like an overgrown forest.”
Yo, did Hezekiah, the king of Judah, and his crew really off that dude? Nah, man. Hezekiah was straight-up scared, he respected the LORD and prayed hard. And you know what? The LORD changed His mind about bringing down some serious heat on them. So, like, we better be careful ’cause we could end up stirring up some major trouble for ourselves, you feel?
There was this guy named Urijah, son of Shemaiah from Kirjathjearim. He was all in on prophesying in the name of the LORD, and he was straight-up calling out this city and land, just like Jeremiah.
So, when King Jehoiakim and his whole crew, including all the top dogs, heard what Urijah was preaching, the king was ready to take him down. But when Urijah caught wind of it, he got scared and dipped out, making a run straight for Egypt.
So King Jehoiakim decided to send a crew to Egypt. He chose this guy named Elnathan, son of Achbor, and a few others to roll with him to Egypt.
They tracked down Urijah in Egypt and brought him back to King Jehoiakim. And you know what went down? The king straight up executed him with a sword and tossed his lifeless body into a regular old burial spot. Just like that, a regular grave for the everyday people.
But Ahikam, son of Shaphan, had Jeremiah’s back, making sure nobody laid a hand on him to harm him.

Jeremiah 27

So, like, when Jehoiakim started running things in Judah, Jeremiah heard from the LORD, saying,
God was like, ‘Hey, pay attention. Get some chains and put ’em around your neck, alright? This is what the Lord wants.’
And send those DMs to the kings of Edom, Moab, Ammonites, Tyrus, and Zidon, through the messengers who hit up Jerusalem and chat with Zedekiah, the king of Judah.
Tell them to text their bosses like this: God, the ultimate boss of the Israelites, wants their masters to know this, just like you’d message them:
I created the earth, humans, and animals chilling on the ground, flexing my power and strength. I gave it all to whoever I thought deserved it, for real.
Yo, I just blessed Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, with all these lands. He’s my servant, so I even gave him the animals of the field to support him and all.
And all the nations will totally serve him, his son, and his grandson, until the time when his land finally arrives, you know? And then, lots of other nations and super powerful kings will totally take advantage of him and do their own thing.
Yo, pay attention! Here’s the deal: Any nation or kingdom that refuses to serve Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, and won’t bow down to him, they’re gonna face consequences, alright? The LORD says He’s gonna bring some serious hardships their way – swords, famines, diseases, you name it. Basically, they’re gonna face destruction, all because they didn’t wanna show respect to Babylon.
Yo, check it—don’t be fooled by those prophets, diviners, dream interpreters, or sorcerers who front like they know what’s up and say don’t serve the king of Babylon, ya feel? They just spittin’ dreams and nonsense.
Listen here, fam! They straight up lying to you, tryna pull you away from your roots. They want me to boot you out and wreck everything.
Yo, peep this! If those nations are down with bowing down to the king of Babylon and doing what he says, then I’m chill with letting them stay in their own turf, says the LORD. They can keep doin’ their thing—farming and living their lives there.
So, like, I had a real talk with Zedekiah, the king of Judah, and I was like, ‘Yo dude, listen up! You gotta surrender to the king of Babylon, get in his service, and live your best life, man!’
Bro, for real? Why you gotta put your life and your whole crew’s life on the line, facing swords, hunger, and sickness? God already warned the nation that’s not down to serve Babylon’s king. Don’t be stupid, man!
So, like, don’t even buy into those prophets who are all like, ‘Dude, don’t serve the king of Babylon,’ ’cause they’re totally spreading lies, man.
Yo, check it—those dudes ain’t even rollin’ with Me, says the LORD. They out here frontin’ with fake prophecies in My name. They tryna get y’all booted and straight up wrecked, along with them false prophets who be spittin’ at ya.
So, I gathered up the priests and all the crew, and I was like, ‘Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD’s sayin’: Don’t vibe with those prophets of yours who keep talkin’ smack, sayin’, ‘Yo, guess what? The LORD’s gear is comin’ back real soon from Babylon!’ Nah, they straight lyin’ to your faces, fam.’
Yo, ignore ’em and just stay in your lane. Roll with the king of Babylon, play it cool, and life will be smooth sailin’. Like, why mess up this city, right?
But if they claim to be prophets and they’re really reppin’ the word of the LORD, then they better pray to the LORD of hosts. They gotta ask Him to make sure the sacred stuff in the house of the LORD, in the palace of the king of Judah, and in Jerusalem, doesn’t end up in Babylon.
Yo, check it—this is what the LORD of hosts has to say ’bout those fancy pillars, that big sea thing, the bases, and all the other gear still kickin’ it in this city.
Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, grabbed Jeconiah, son of Jehoiakim and king of Judah, plus all the fancy folks from Judah and Jerusalem, draggin’ ’em off from Jerusalem to Babylon.
Yo, peep this—God, the big boss of Israel, has somethin’ to say ’bout those fancy items chillin’ in the house of the LORD, and also in the crib of the king of Judah and Jerusalem.
They’re headin’ to Babylon, and they’ll chill there until the day I roll up and check ’em out, says the LORD. Then, I’ll bring ’em back here and give ’em back what’s rightfully theirs.

Jeremiah 28

Okay, so, check it out—this happened when Zedekiah was king of Judah, in the fourth year, like, in the fifth month. So, there I was chillin’ in the house of the LORD, surrounded by priests and a whole crowd, right? And out of the blue, this guy Hananiah, who’s a prophet from Gibeon, walks up to me and starts chatting away. Like, can you even believe that?
Yo, check it out! This is what the Almighty, the God of Israel, is sayin’: “I totally broke the king of Babylon’s grip!”
In just two years, I’m bringing back all the sacred stuff that King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon took from the Lord’s house and brought to Babylon. And by the way, when I say two years, I mean, like, your standard human years.
And I’m bringing back Jeconiah, son of Jehoiakim, who was the king of Judah, along with all the people of Judah who got taken to Babylon,” declares the LORD. “It’s gonna be epic because I’m gonna break the king of Babylon’s hold over them.
So Jeremiah, the prophet, was like, chatting it up with Hananiah, another prophet, in front of the priests and everyone who was hanging out in the house of the LORD.
Jeremiah the prophet was like, “For real! The LORD is gonna make it go down! He’s gonna do exactly what you said—bring back all the stuff from the LORD’s house and all the people who were taken captive to Babylon, right here in this place.”
But hey, listen up to what I gotta drop, for you and everyone here:
The prophets who came way before me and even before you, they straight-up foretold troubles, chaos, and diseases for many nations and powerful empires.
The real deal prophet of peace is only legit if what they say actually goes down. That’s how we’ll know for sure the LORD sent them.
So, like, this prophet guy Hananiah, he straight-up took the yoke off Jeremiah’s neck and smashed it.
Then Hananiah spoke up with everyone around, like, “God says, I’ll totally free all the countries from Nebuchadnezzar’s grip, the king of Babylon, in, like, two years max.” And after that, Jeremiah just left.
So, after Hananiah broke the yoke off Jeremiah’s neck, the LORD dropped some words on Jeremiah, you know what I’m saying? This went down when Hananiah was calling himself a prophet.
Hey, go tell Hananiah this message, alright? Here’s what the LORD says: You think you’re hot stuff breaking those wooden yokes? Well, check it out—you’ll be making those yokes out of iron instead.
Yo, listen up! The Almighty God of Israel is speaking truth right here. I placed a heavy burden on all these nations, making them serve King Nebuchadnezzar, the ruler of Babylon. They gotta do what he says, no questions asked. And yeah, I even gave him authority over the wild animals. It’s legit.
So Jeremiah came at Hananiah like, “Yo, listen up! The Lord didn’t send you, man. You’re spreading false vibes and leading people astray, dude.”
And then God’s like, “Listen up: I’m about to remove you from this place, off the face of the earth, you know? This year will be the end of you because you’ve been causing rebellion and going against the Lord.” (FYI, rebellion means revolt in Hebrew.)
So, Hananiah the prophet passed away that same year, in the seventh month.

Jeremiah 29

Yo, listen up! Jeremiah the prophet dropped this letter straight outta Jerusalem to all the peeps who got dragged off to Babylon by Nebuchadnezzar. That includes the elders, priests, prophets, and everyone else.
So after King Jeconiah, the queen mother, and all those VIPs bounced from Jerusalem—ya know, the eunuchs, princes of Judah and Jerusalem, carpenters, and smiths—just FYI, eunuchs can also go by chamberlains.
So, Elasah (that’s Shaphan’s son) and Gemariah (yeah, Hilkiah’s son), they were sent by Zedekiah, the king of Judah, to Babylon to meet Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon. And here’s what they brought back:
Yo, listen up, fam! This is the word of the LORD, the Almighty One, the God of Israel, to all y’all who got taken as prisoners by me from Jerusalem to Babylon.
Alright fam, start building those dope houses and aim for your #HomeGoals to make ’em cozy. Oh, and don’t sleep on those gardens—grow some epic plants and enjoy the sweet fruits. #GardenGoals
Yo, get hitched and start a fam. Find wives for your sons and set up marriages for your daughters so they can have kids too. We gotta multiply, not shrink, you feel?
Yo, try to spread some good vibes in the city where you’re living as exiles. Pray to the LORD for it, ’cause when the city’s peaceful, you’ll feel that chill vibe too.
Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, has to say: Don’t let those wannabe prophets and diviners fool you—they think they’re something, but they’re not. And those dreams you’re dreaming up? Yeah, don’t waste your time on ’em, okay?
They’re out here spreading lies in my name, but I didn’t send them, says the LORD. #NotCool #NotMyProphets
Yo, listen up! The LORD’s like, ‘Here’s the deal: After 70 years in Babylon, I’m gonna come through and keep my promises. I’ll bring you back to this place.’
Yo, check it fam, the man upstairs wants you to know He’s all about loving you big time. His thoughts? Peace and good vibes all the way—no negativity here. Plus, He’s got major plans lined up for you, stuff you can totally get excited about. Trust me, He’s always got your back.
So, when things get rough, you can totally hit me up, reach out, and talk to me—I’m all ears, ready to listen to whatever’s on your mind.
And if you’re seriously trying to find me, like really putting your whole heart into it, you’ll find me. That’s a promise.
Yo, listen up, everyone! The LORD says if you look for Him, you’ll find Him. He’ll rescue you from all the negativity, gather you from every corner of the world He scattered you, and bring you back to your homeland where you were taken from.
Yo, check it out, we’ve been saying how God raised up some prophets among us while we’re here in Babylon, you know?
Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD has to say about the king who’s on David’s throne, and all the people in this city, and also your friends who didn’t get taken away with you into captivity.
Yo, listen up! The LORD of hosts is sending some heavy stuff their way. Get ready for a mix of sword, famine, and pestilence. It’s gonna be like those gross figs that are totally nasty to eat because they’re all rotten and bad.
And I’ll bring down some serious issues—problems, hunger, and sickness. I’ll scatter them everywhere, making them a total joke and embarrassment. People will be like, ‘OMG, did you hear what happened to them?!’ Yeah, it’s gonna be a real tough time for them, seriously!
‘Cause they haven’t been tuning in to what I’ve been saying, says the LORD. I’ve been sending my prophets to drop my message, waking up early just to make sure they catch it. But you all just didn’t want to listen, says the LORD.
Attention, everyone in captivity! I, the LORD, relocated you from Jerusalem to Babylon, so listen up!
Yo, check it, fam! The word from the Almighty, the God of Israel, is this: Ahab, Kolaiah’s son, and Zedekiah, Maaseiah’s son, they’re out here frontin’, spreading false prophecies in my name. But mark my words, Nebuchadnezzar, the Babylonian king, gonna deal with them. He gonna straight up take ’em down right before everyone, no doubt.
And all those peeps from Judah chillin’ in Babylon gonna be talkin’ smack, like, “I hope the Lord brings you as much bad luck as Zedekiah and Ahab, who got wrecked by the king of Babylon!”
Yo, peeps in Israel be on some shady vibes. They out here messin’ with their neighbors’ baes and straight lyin’ in my name, but I never cosigned that! I peep everything, I got the receipts, says the LORD.
Yo, here’s the message for Shemaiah the Nehelamite, like, listen up, dreamer dude!
Yo, peep this! The LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, got somethin’ to say. So, check it, ’cause you been sendin’ letters in your name to all the homies in Jerusalem, even Zephaniah, son of Maaseiah, the priest, and all the other priests, sayin’,
God’s picked you to be the priest, stepping up for Jehoiada. He wants you to handle official biz in His house, especially with those fake prophets acting all wild. Your job’s to shut ’em down and keep things on point.
So, why you been holdin’ back on Jeremiah from Anathoth? Dude’s out here claimin’ he’s a prophet for y’all!
So he shot us a message from Babylon, like, “Yo, this exile’s gonna be a minute. Build yourselves some sweet houses, settle in, and plant gardens to enjoy the fruits of your labor.”
So, Zephaniah the priest straight up read this letter to Jeremiah the prophet, loud and clear, like he wanted everyone to know what’s up.
So, God hit up Jeremiah and was like,
Yo, listen up all y’all in captivity! The LORD got a word for Shemaiah the Nehelamite. Dude’s been prophesying to y’all, but here’s the deal: I didn’t send him, and he’s straight up leadin’ y’all astray with his fake promises, smh.
So, here’s what the LORD’s laying down: Yo, listen up! I’m ’bout to drop some serious consequences on Shemaiah the Nehelamite and his crew. They ain’t gonna have anyone left kickin’ it among the people, and they won’t see the awesome things I’m ’bout to do for my squad, says the LORD. Why? ‘Cause dude had the audacity to lead others astray from me. Like, for real?

Jeremiah 30

Yo, Jeremiah was vibin’ and the Lord straight up told him,
“Listen up, fam! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, wants you to do: Write down everything I’m tellin’ you in a book.
“Check it, y’all! God says there’s gonna be a day when His peeps, Israel and Judah, are gonna bounce back from their exile. He’s bringin’ ’em back to the land He hooked up their ancestors with, and they gonna own it, no cap!”
So God was like, “Hey, check it out fam, I’ve got something to say about Israel and Judah.”
The LORD was like, “Listen, I’m picking up some serious trembling and fear vibes—no peace in sight. Fear’s running the show, peace ain’t even in the equation.”
Yo, peep this: Have you ever seen a guy going through labor pains? Why are all these dudes clutching their stomachs, looking as pale as a woman in labor? (BTW, “man” here means a male person)
OMG, that day is gonna be lit, like, totally unprecedented! It’s gonna be a really tough time for Jacob, but no worries – he’s gonna come out safe and sound!
Yo, check it out! When that day arrives, says the mighty LORD, I’m gonna set you free from all the heavy stuff weighing you down. Your chains will be broken, and no more outsiders will exploit you ever again.
But they’ll be hanging with the LORD their God and David their king, whom I’ll bring back for them.
So chill, Jacob, says the LORD; don’t be down, Israel. ‘Cause here’s the deal: I’m gonna rescue you from far away, and your descendants from where they’re all locked up. Jacob will come back, find some peace and chill vibes, and no one’s gonna mess with him, for real.
“I got your back,” says the LORD, to save you: even though I’m gonna take down all the nations I sent you to, I won’t wipe you out completely: I’ll give you a wake-up call, but won’t leave you untouched.
So, here’s what the LORD says, your injury is beyond healing and your wound is really painful.
You’re on your own, no one’s there to have your back, help you heal, or fix things up.
Your squad has totally bailed on you; they don’t even bother looking for you anymore. It’s like I’ve wrecked you, hitting you with enemy-like wounds and harsh punishment, all because you’ve piled up so many wrongs and sins.
Why are you stressing over your issues? Your sadness won’t go away because you’ve messed up so much. Your sins have stacked up, that’s why you’re going through all this.
So, basically, anyone who tries to mess with you will get what’s coming to them. Your haters will end up locked down, and anyone trying to take advantage of you will be taken out. And those who think they can prey on you? Yeah, I’ll flip the script and make them the ones who get preyed upon. Get ready for some serious justice, fam!
Yo, chill out! The LORD has got your back. He’s gonna restore your happiness and completely heal you when you’re hurting. People may have been dissing you, calling you an Outcast and all, but guess what? They won’t be saying that anymore, because you’re legit, a shining star that everyone’s gonna be looking up to.
Yo, check it out! The LORD says, I’m gonna bring back Jacob’s tents from captivity and show some love to his homes. The city will be rebuilt on its own hill, and the palace will stand strong, just like it used to!
And they’ll be all about gratitude and having a blast, voices filled with joy. I’ll make sure there’s a bunch of them, not just a few. Plus, I’ll give them the recognition they deserve, and they won’t be overlooked.
Their kids will be just as awesome as before, and their crew will be solid in front of me. I’ll handle anyone who tries to mess with them.
Their leaders will come from their own crew, and their top dog will rise up among them. I’ll bring him near, and he’ll step up to me. Who dares to come close to me? says the LORD.
And you all gonna be my crew, and I’m gonna be your main homie.
Check it out, the LORD’s furious whirlwind is coming, non-stop spinning: it’s gonna totally wreck the wicked, like a major storm.
God’s intense anger won’t settle until He’s finished His plans and carried out His intentions. When those final days come, you’ll see it clearly.

Jeremiah 31

Yo, check it out fam! The LORD straight up said, “I’m gonna be the God for all the squads in Israel, and they gonna be my fam.”
Yo, listen up! Here’s what the LORD said: “Those who survived the tough times found mad grace in the wilderness. I’m talking about Israel, when I gave them rest, you feel?”
OMG, lemme spill the tea. The LORD’s been there for me since forever, like, seriously. He’s like, “Yo, I’m totally crushing on you with a love that lasts forever.” So, you know what? He’s been all sweet and kind, like sliding into your DMs but in a really nice way.
“I got you, girlboss! I’m gonna rebuild you so you’ll shine bright, O pure-hearted girl of Israel. You’ll slay those vibes and own the dance floor at the hypest parties with the joyful crew. (Tabrets? Yeah, think lit timbrels.)
You’ll totally flex planting vines on the lit mountains of Samaria. The OG planters gonna do their thing and chill, feasting on those grapes like it’s NBD.”
Yo, check it! One day, the watchmen on Mount Ephraim gonna be like, “Yo, wake up and let’s roll to Zion, to the LORD our God.”
Yo, peep this! The LORD’s saying, “Sing good vibes for Jacob and make some noise among the top nations. Spread the word, give props, and say, ‘O LORD, save your peeps, the leftover crew of Israel.’”
Yo, listen up! I’m gonna gather all those peeps from the north country and all over the world. And guess what? I ain’t leaving anyone behind—whether they’re blind, lame, pregnant ladies, or in labor. We’re bringing everyone back together, no doubts, forming a massive crew.
They’ll come with tears, and I’ll be there to listen to their deepest needs. I’ll guide them beside calm waters, ensuring they walk the right path without stumbling. ‘Cause you know, I’m like a father to Israel, and Ephraim is my top kid.
Listen up, everyone from all over, and spread this message to those far away. Tell ’em: The one who scattered Israel will gather and protect them, like a shepherd looking out for the flock.
Yo, the LORD totally saved Jacob, rescuing him from someone way stronger than him.
So they’ll come chill in Zion’s awesome spot, vibing together for the LORD’s blessings—crops, party drinks, fancy oils, and cute animals. Their souls will be refreshed like a lush garden; sadness will be totally out of the picture.
And the young girls gonna be hyped, busting out sick moves on the dance floor with all the squad—young and old—grooving together. ‘Cause I’m turning their sadness into pure joy, giving ’em comfort, and flipping those frowns upside down.
And I’ll fill the priests with pure happiness, and my people will be totally content with all the awesome things I do, says the LORD.
God said: Yo, Ramah was a heavy scene, for real. People were straight up crying—it was no joke. Rahel was bawling her eyes out for her kids, heartbroken ’cause her babies were gone and she couldn’t find any solace.
Yo, check it out! God’s got a word for you. Don’t stress, keep it together. Here’s the scoop: all your grind won’t be for nothing. God’s gonna hook you up, and those haters won’t have nothing on you soon. You’re gonna shine, just watch!
Yo, peep this from the LORD: There’s big hope ahead, like your crew of kids gonna bounce back to their own hood.
I heard Ephraim straight up saying, “Yo, you’ve been trippin’ on me hard, and I’ve been taking it! It’s like trying to tame a wild bull. But you know what? If you show me the way, I’m down to turn things around. ‘Cause you, God, are my ride-or-die.”
I was totally shook when I realized my mistakes and felt deep regret. When I finally got it, I was like whoa and smacked my thigh. I was embarrassed and totally shocked, facing up to the consequences of my past immature moves.
Is Ephraim, like, my ultimate fave? Is he, like, top-notch? Even though I laid down the law with him before, he’s always on my mind and it stirs me up deep down. I’m gonna shower him with love, declares the LORD. #nofilter
Yo, map out your journey and stack those wins! Stay focused on where you’ve been. Return, young peeps of Israel, come back to your hometowns.
Yo, how long you gonna keep messing around, you rebellious crew? God’s dropping truth bombs: A girl’s gonna rise up and outshine the guys.
Yo, check it out! This is what the LORD, the ultimate squad leader, the God of Israel, has to say: In Judah and its cities, folks will be saying this when I bring back their freedom. God bless you, righteous place and sacred mountain!
In Judah and all its cities, there will be farmers and wanderers with their flocks.
I’ve totally uplifted the weary and brought huge relief to all the deeply saddened.
So, I woke up and checked things out, and man, my rest was totally peaceful.
Yo, listen up! God’s dropping some major news: there are awesome days coming. He’s gonna shower blessings on the peeps of Israel and Judah, like spreading seeds for both humans and animals. Can’t wait, it’s gonna be epic!
And here’s how it’s gonna be: Just like I’ve been watching over them, tearing down, and causing chaos, I’m gonna switch it up. This time, I’ll be watching to build and bring growth, declares the LORD.
In those days, folks won’t be blaming their parents anymore, saying, “It’s their fault we’re dealing with this!” ‘Cause they’ll know pointing fingers won’t fix a thing.
But everyone’s gonna face the outcomes of their own actions: if you dive into negativity, you’re gonna handle the fallout.
Yo fam, check it! The Lord says there’s gonna come a time when He’s gonna bless the house of Israel and Judah with a whole new deal, you feel me?
It’s not gonna be like how I made promises to their ancestors when I brought them out of Egypt. They went and broke that promise, even though I loved them like a faithful partner, says the LORD. Should I keep being a loving partner to them?
But here’s what’s up, fam. This is gonna be the deal I’m making with the crew from the house of Israel: After a minute, says the LORD, I’m gonna drop my law right into their hearts, and it’ll be engraved in their souls, you dig? I’ll be their God, and they’ll be my squad.
And they won’t need to remind each other like, ‘Yo, know God!’ ‘Cause everyone will know me, from the smallest to the biggest, God says. I’m gonna forgive their mistakes and totally forget ’em.
Yo, check it out! The Almighty upstairs, running the whole show, he’s the one who made the sun shine during the day and set up the moon and stars to light up the night. And get this, when the waves act up, he even parts the sea. That’s some serious power! They call him the LORD of hosts, that’s his name, you know?
If those rules vanish, says the LORD, then Israel will no longer be recognized as a nation in my eyes, forever.
Hey, listen up, fam! God’s saying, ‘Yo, if anyone can measure all the way up to heaven or explore what’s below the earth’s surface, then I’d completely disown the entire nation of Israel for everything they’ve done,’ declares the LORD.
Yo, check it out! The LORD says there’s gonna be a time when the city will be rebuilt for Him, stretching from the tower of Hananeel to the corner gate.
And they’ll scope out the scene, heading up Gareb Hill and circling around to Goath.
The whole area, including where dead bodies and ashes are found, and all the fields around up to the Kidron Stream and the corner facing the east by the horse gate, will be set apart as holy to the LORD. It’ll never be destroyed or messed up again, ever.

Jeremiah 32

Yo, peeps! God dropped this message on Jeremiah in the tenth year Zedekiah was ruling Judah, which was also Nebuchadrezzar’s eighteenth year on the throne.
Check it, Babylon’s crew was all up on Jerusalem, and Jeremiah, the prophet dude, was totally stuck in this prison yard vibe, ya feel? It was smack in the middle of the king of Judah’s crib, too.
So like, King Zedekiah of Judah had him locked up and was all like, “Why you gotta prophesy, saying, ‘God’s gonna give this city to the Babylonian king to wreck it’?”
Basically, Zedekiah ain’t gonna dodge the Chaldeans. He’s gonna be handed over to the Babylonian king. And get this, they’re gonna have a straight-up, face-to-face chat, like deep eye contact and all. It’s happening for sure, no cap.
And Zedekiah’s gonna get scooped up and taken to Babylon, chillin’ there till I roll through to see him, says the LORD. Even if you try to throw down with the Chaldeans, you ain’t gonna make it.
So, Jeremiah was like, ‘Yo, I got a message straight from the Big Guy upstairs, from God himself.’
Yo, check it! Your uncle Hanameel’s gonna slide through and be like, “Hey, wanna cop my field in Anathoth? You get first dibs.”
So, Hanameel, who happens to be my uncle’s son, hit me up while I was posted in the prison yard, just following what the LORD had laid down. He’s like, “Yo, bro, you gotta buy my field in Anathoth, up in Benjamin’s turf. It’s all yours to inherit and redeem. Scoop it up for yourself.” And right then, I was like, “Whoa, this is definitely a word from the LORD.”
So, I ended up copping this rad field from my cousin Hanameel. It was in Anathoth, ya dig? And I threw down for it, like, seventeen shekels of silver, man! Or maybe it was seven shekels plus ten pieces of silver, but hey, who’s counting, right?
So, I jotted down all the deets in this document, sealed it up tight, brought in some witnesses, and even weighed out the cash on a scale. It’s all official and legit, you know?
So, I got the receipt, you know, the one that’s sealed and totally legit, and the other one that’s just out there.
Then I showed Baruch, Neriah’s son and Maaseiah’s grandson, the proof of purchase. Hanameel, my uncle’s son, was there too, with all the witnesses who signed the deal. We were all watching in the prison courtyard, where a bunch of Jews were chilling.
And then, right in front of everyone, I was like to Baruch,
“Yo, check it! This is what the LORD Almighty, the totally awesome God of Israel, wants you to do: Take those receipts—yeah, the sealed ones and the open ones—and stash ’em in a fancy clay pot. Let ’em sit there for a good while, like, a really long time.”
So, the LORD, the God of Israel, is saying that people will totally reclaim houses, fields, and vineyards in this land.
After I gave Baruch, Neriah’s son, the receipt for the stuff I bought, I hit up the big man upstairs, you know? And I was like, “Yo, LORD, listen up…”
OMG, Lord GOD! You, like, totally created the universe and the earth with your amazing power and awesome strength. And, like, there’s seriously nothing too hard for you, nothing you can’t handle. Nothing’s hidden from you or anything!
Your love is like, massive, for thousands of people. And you, like, totally cover for the bad stuff their parents did, passing it down to their kids and all. You’re the Great and Mighty God, the LORD over all the squads—that’s your name and everything.
You’re like the ultimate life coach, always dropping the best advice and capable of pulling off amazing things. Your eyes are on everyone, seeing everything they do. You make sure everyone gets what they deserve, based on how they live and what they do.
Bro, you’ve been dropping crazy signs and wonders in Egypt, even till now, and also in Israel and among other peeps. Like, you’ve totally made a name for yourself, even today, ya know?
And you straight-up saved your crew, Israel, from Egypt with epic signs, mind-blowing wonders, flexed-out strong arms, and some serious awe vibes.
And you hooked them up with this awesome land you promised their ancestors, a land full of good vibes and abundant blessings;
So they went in and took over it, but they didn’t listen to you or follow your rules. They didn’t do any of the things you told them to do, and because of that, all this messed-up stuff happened to them.
Yo, peep this! The Chaldeans are swooping in to take over the city. It’s gonna be swords, hunger, and diseases all around. And yeah, what you said would go down is actually going down right now. Open your eyes and peep it for yourself, fam!
Yo, God, you were like, “Go buy that field with cash and get some witnesses ’cause the city’s about to get taken over by the Chaldeans.” (or, even though the city is…
So, God hit up Jeremiah and was like,
Yo, listen up, I’m the LORD, the God of everyone and everything. Like, is there anything that I can’t handle? Nah, doubt it!
Yo, listen up! God’s saying He’s gonna let the Chaldeans and Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, take over this whole city. And you know what? Nebuchadnezzar’s gonna come in and totally conquer it, no question about it.
And those Chaldeans, who are dead set against this city, are gonna come in and set it on fire. They’ll burn down the houses where people offered incense to Baal on their roofs and poured out drink offerings to other gods, just to really tick me off.
The young ones from Israel and Judah haven’t exactly been living right since they were kids. They’ve been doing things that really get under my skin, making me mad with all their messed up actions and choices, says the LORD.
This city has been seriously getting on my nerves since they first put it together, and my anger and fury towards it has been building up ever since. It’s been a major annoyance, and I’m seriously thinking about wiping it out once and for all.
Yo, here’s why I’m so mad at Israel and Judah: they’ve been doing some seriously messed up stuff, and it’s not just the regular people, it’s their leaders, priests, prophets—everyone in Jerusalem.
They’ve totally ghosted me, turning their backs instead of facing me. Even though I’ve been trying to get through to them since day one, they’re still ignoring me and not listening. Like, seriously, open your ears and pay attention!
They put all their nasty stuff in my house, which is supposed to be holy, and it’s just disgusting. They’re totally disrespecting it!
They set up trendy spots for Baal in that cool valley. They even sacrificed their own kids to Molech! Like, seriously? I never even suggested something so messed up. It’s gross and leading Judah down the wrong path.
Yo, hear this! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, has to say about this city everyone’s been talking about. You think it’s gonna get taken over by the king of Babylon through war, hunger, and disease?
Yo, listen! I’m gonna gather all those peeps from every part of the world. Yeah, the ones I got mad at and sent away, all because of my anger and frustration. But hey, no need to stress, ’cause I’m bringing them back to this exact place and ensuring they live in peace and safety, no worries!
They’re gonna be my crew, and I’ll be their ultimate BFF:
I’ll unite them all, leading them down the right path, so they’ll always respect me with awe, for their own good and for the good of their future fam, like, forever and ever, you know what I’m saying? #allthedayseveryday
And I’m gonna lock in this tight forever bond with them, where I’ll never bail and I’ll keep blessing them. But I’ll also make sure they have serious respect and reverence for me, so they won’t just bounce.
I’m pumped to bring the good vibes and set them up in a rad spot in this land, no doubt, straight from my heart and soul.
Yo, check it! The LORD says, just like I brought all this intense bad stuff to these people, I’m gonna bring them all the awesome goodness that I promised!
And folks are gonna start snagging up some prime real estate in this land that y’all thought was totally deserted, with no humans or animals around! But guess what, it’s actually gonna be handed over to the Chaldeans, so get ready for some new landlords!
People will be buying fields with cash, signing contracts, sealing them, and having witnesses in Benjamin, around Jerusalem, and in the cities of Judah, the mountains, the valley, and the south. It’s because I, the LORD, will bring their captivity back, no doubt about it.

Jeremiah 33

God connected with Jeremiah again while he was stuck in the courtyard slammer, and here’s what God laid down,
Yo, peep this! The LORD, the one who crafted everything, yeah, the same LORD who shaped it all, is here to keep everything on point. His name? It’s the LORD, no cap. Trust that, fam.
Drop me a message, and I’ll come through with mind-blowing surprises that’ll blow you away. It’s gonna be stuff you’ve never even dreamed of. (or, super top secret)
Yo, check it out! The LORD, the God of Israel, has a word about the pads in this city and the pads of the kings of Judah. They got wrecked by the battering rams and swords, yo!
They’re straight-up challenging the Chaldeans, acting all tough, but guess what? They’re gonna end up filled with casualties. Those folks got wrecked because I was furious and super mad. I turned away and hid my face from this city because of all the wickedness going down.
Yo, listen up, I’ve got some amazing healing vibes headed their way. I’m gonna restore ’em, bring a ton of peace and truth. It’s gonna be awesome.
And I’ll gather up the people of Judah and Israel from their exile and rebuild them, just like back in the day.
I’ll completely erase all the wrongs they’ve done against me, like for real, every single thing. And I’ll forgive every single one of their mistakes, like seriously, every last one, and all the times they messed up and went against me.
And my name will be like, super dope and legendary, bringing joy and massive respect from every nation on earth. They’ll hear about all the incredible things I do for them and be amazed and totally blown away by all the goodness and prosperity I’m bringing their way.
God said this: Once more, there will be sounds in these places that you thought would be desolate and deserted— in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem. Though they were once empty, without people or animals, they will come alive again!
Yo, check it out! Get ready for a massive celebration – it’s gonna be epic! We’ll hear the joyous cheers of the bride and groom, and everyone will be shouting, “Praise the Lord of hosts, yo!” Because, you know, the Lord is good and his mercy endures forever. Those who bring their praise to the house of the Lord will be truly blessed. And guess what? The Lord is bringing back prosperity to the land, just like he promised.
Yo, hear this from the Most High! This place, once deserted with no humans or animals, and all the cities around it, will be bustling with shepherds and their flocks chilling out.
In the cities on the mountains, in the cities in the valleys, and in the cities down south, even in the land of Benjamin and all around Jerusalem, and throughout the cities of Judah, the flocks will be counted once more by the shepherds, declares the LORD.
Yo, check it! The LORD says the time is coming when I’m gonna fulfill that amazing promise I made to the people of Israel and Judah.
When those days come and things go down, I’m gonna raise up a righteous leader for David. He’s gonna bring justice and righteousness to the entire land, no doubt.
In those days, Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell safely. They will be called “The LORD Our Righteousness.”
So, listen up! This is what the LORD says: David will always have a descendant ruling over the house of Israel. There will never be a time when someone from David’s line is not king.
The priests and Levites gotta stay on point with those dope burnt offerings, keep the meat offerings lit, and stay strong with the sacrifices—no slacking.
So, like, God dropped a message for Jeremiah, and it was like this:
Hey, fam, check this out! God’s saying, “Hey, if anyone thinks they can just cancel my day-night deal, think again! I mean, if you can somehow stop the Earth from spinning and make day and night vanish, I’ll be seriously impressed! But good luck with that!”
And let me tell you, I wouldn’t even consider breaking my promise to David, dude. There’s no way he won’t have a son ruling on his throne, you know what I’m saying? And those Levite priests, man, they’re totally my ministers. That bond ain’t getting broken, no way.
Yo, it’s gonna be like trying to count all the stars in the sky or measure the sand on the beach— I’m gonna increase the descendants of my dude David and the Levites who serve me.
So God reached out to Jeremiah and said,
Yo, have you peeped what these folks are saying? They’re dissing the two families that God chose and claiming He’s rejected them! Not cool. It’s like they’re straight-up hating on my crew, acting like they shouldn’t even be a nation anymore.
Listen up, fam! The LORD says, “If I haven’t set up day and night, and if I haven’t established the rules for the sky and earth, then I don’t even know what’s going on!”
And then, like, I’m gonna straight-up turn away from the descendants of Jacob and my dude David, you know? I won’t let any of their descendants rule over the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob anymore. But don’t trip, I’ll bring their captivity to an end and show them some serious mercy.

Jeremiah 34

So, like, God dropped this message on Jeremiah when Nebuchadnezzar, the Babylonian king, and his whole crew were coming at Jerusalem and all its cities. God was like, ‘Hey, peeps!’
Hey, listen up! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, is saying: Go talk to Zedekiah, the king of Judah. Tell him straight from the LORD: ‘Yo, check it, I’m giving this city to the king of Babylon, and he’s gonna light it up, no cap!’
You can’t dodge him. He’s gonna nab you and give you to the king of Babylon. You’ll meet him head-on, have a real talk, and then off to Babylon you go.
But yo, Zedekiah, king of Judah, hear this! The Lord’s got a message for you: you won’t die by the sword.
You’ll peace out peacefully, and they’ll give you the traditional funeral burnings, just like they did for the kings before you. They’ll offer sweet-smelling stuff for you, and everyone will be crying, like, ‘Oh my, I said the truth,’ says the LORD.
So, Jeremiah, the prophet, dropped all these words to Zedekiah, the king of Judah, in Jerusalem.
So, when Babylon’s crew pulled up on Jerusalem and the other cities in Judah like Lachish and Azekah, they were basically going after the last strongholds of Judah.
Yo, here’s the message that God gave Jeremiah after King Zedekiah made a deal with everyone in Jerusalem, promising to set them free.
Yo, listen up, everyone should free their peeps, whether they’re guys or girls, Hebrew dudes or Hebrew gals. No one should be keeping them as slaves or anything, especially not a fellow Jewish person.
So, when all the VIPs and everyone who signed the deal heard they should set free their male and female servants and stop using them, they were like, ‘Cool, we’re down!’ and they let them bounce.
But then they flipped the script and took back the workers they had set free, making them servants and maids again.
So, like, God reached out to Jeremiah with a message, saying,
“Listen up, fam! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, wants you to know: I made a serious covenant with your ancestors back in the day when I freed them from Egypt, where they were slaves. Here’s what I told ’em:”
After seven years, you gotta let go of any Hebrew bro who’s been sold to you. If they’ve worked six years, it’s time to set ’em free. But your ancestors didn’t listen to me or pay attention to my words.
And you all were totally on point and pleasing to me when you stood up for freedom, making sure everyone was treated equally. You even made a solid agreement with me in my spot, the place I’m all about. Let’s keep it real, this was recent, like today’s news!
But y’all messed up and disrespected my name, making everyone bring back the servants and maidservants you had set free. You turned them back into slaves, serving you.
So listen up, this is what the LORD says: You didn’t listen to me when I said to give freedom and equality to each other. Well, guess what? I’m declaring freedom for you, but not the kind you want. It’s coming in the form of war, sickness, and hunger. You’re gonna be scattered across the world, in different kingdoms. Deal with it.
I will give those who broke my covenant—the ones who didn’t keep their promises when they cut that calf in half and walked between its pieces—what they deserve.
Including the cool dudes of Judah and Jerusalem, the squad, the religious leaders, and all the people of the land, who were hanging out together like party animals;
I’m gonna let their enemies and those chasing them bring them down. Their dead bodies will become a feast for birds in the sky and beasts on the ground.
So, Zedekiah, the king of Judah, and his crew, I’m about to let them be overtaken by their enemies—the ones out to end their lives—and the army of Babylon’s king, rolling in from all directions.
Listen up, the LORD is about to give a command: These people are gonna come back to the city, straight up battle against it, take it over, and set it on fire. On top of that, I’m gonna turn the cities of Judah into ghost towns—empty and destroyed.

Jeremiah 35

Yo, listen up fam! This message came straight to Jeremiah from the LORD during the time of Jehoiakim, son of Josiah, king of Judah. Check it out!
Go to the crib of the Rechabites and reach out to them. Bring them to the house of the LORD, into one of the chill rooms, and give them some fine wine to sip on.
So I gathered Jaazaniah, son of Jeremiah and Habaziniah, with his siblings, children, and the whole Rechabite crew.
Then I brought them to the house of the LORD, to the room where the vibe is strong—where Hanan’s sons, who are deep into their spirituality, hang out. Their spot was next to where the classy folks chill, and above Maaseiah’s place, who handles the entrance (Note: ‘door’ can also mean ‘threshold’ or ‘vessel’ in this context).
So, I set out some really nice wine-filled jars and cups in front of the cool Rechabite crew, and I was like, ‘Hey, feel free to sip on this wine!’
But they were all like, ‘Nah, we’re good. Our dad Jonadab told us, “Never drink wine, not you or your future generations, fam.”‘
Don’t even think about building houses, planting crops, or starting vineyards—that’s a big no-go. Instead, you gotta live in tents your whole life, like real nomads. That’s how you’ll live long in this foreign land, yo!
So, we’ve totally stuck to everything our dad Jonadab told us. He said, ‘Never touch wine,’ and we’ve been like, ‘Cool, no problem!’ And guess what? It’s not just us—our spouses, kids, even our daughters are all on board, following Jonadab’s rules.
We don’t even have any cool houses to live in, or like, any vineyards, fields, or seeds or anything.
But we’ve been chillin’ in tents, straight up following everything Jonadab, our ancestor, told us to do.
So, like, when Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, rolled up on us, we were all, ‘Yo, let’s dip to Jerusalem ’cause we’re low-key freaked out by the Chaldeans and Syrians.’ So now we’re just vibin’ in Jerusalem, fr fr.
And then God slid into Jeremiah’s DMs and was like,
Yo, listen up fam! God, the OG of Israel, has got a message for you. Spread the word to everyone in Judah and Jerusalem. Why y’all not paying attention and learning from me? That’s what God is saying, fr fr.
Check it, Jonadab, son of Rechab, told his sons no drinking wine, and they’ve been sticking to it, no cap. But I’ve been trying to get through to y’all, waking up early to share God’s message, and y’all still not listening to me.
Yo, I’ve been sending all my prophets to you guys, waking up early and everything. I was like, ‘Hey, everyone, turn away from your bad vibes and start doing what’s right. Stop chasing after other gods and worshipping them. If you listen to me, you’ll get to live in the land I promised you and your ancestors.’ But y’all didn’t even bother to pay attention or listen to what I had to say.
Yo, Jonadab’s crew, Rechab’s son, they’ve been straight-up loyal to their dad’s orders, no question. But y’all? Nah, you haven’t been listening to me, fam.
So here’s what the LORD, the God of all powerful armies, the God of Israel, is saying: Listen up! I’m gonna bring all the bad stuff I warned Judah and Jerusalem about. Why? ‘Cause I’ve been trying to talk to them, but they ignored me, and I’ve been reaching out, but they didn’t even respond.
Yo, Jeremiah was like, ‘Listen up, Rechabite fam! This is what the Almighty God of Israel says: You guys have totally crushed it by following your father Jonadab’s commandments and staying true to all his teachings.
So, this is what the LORD of all the real ones, the God of Israel, says: Jonadab, son of Rechab, will always have someone repping him in front of me. No one from Jonadab’s line will ever be cut off, for real. They’ll always be standing strong, doing their thing.’

Jeremiah 36

Back in the day when Jehoiakim, Josiah’s son, was ruling as king of Judah, the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah, like, saying,
“Hey, get your notebook ready and jot down everythin’ I’ve been tellin’ ya about Israel, Judah, and all those other nations. I’ve been spittin’ truth since Josiah’s time up ’til now, so don’t even skip a beat!”
“Yo, maybe those Judah crew will actually pay attention to the consequences I’m laying out for ’em, so they can bounce from their messed-up ways. Then I can hook ’em up with some forgiveness for all their mistakes and sins.
So Jeremiah hit up Baruch, Neriah’s kid, and Baruch totally wrote down everything the LORD said to Jeremiah. He scribbled it all on a scroll, like a pro.”
So Jeremiah was like, “Bro, I’m totally stuck, can’t even go to the Lord’s place, you know?
So take a look at the scroll you wrote down with my words. Make sure you read the words of the LORD to the peeps at the LORD’s house on the fast day. And don’t forget to read ’em to all the folks from Judah rollin’ in from their cities too.”
“Hopefully they’ll get real with the LORD, ditch their messed-up ways, ’cause the LORD’s anger and fury against these folks is no joke. But even if they do, their prayers might not change a thing.
So Baruch, Neriah’s son, straight-up did every single thing Jeremiah the prophet told him. He was reading aloud from this scroll, sharing all the words of the LORD in His place.”
So, in the fifth year of Jehoiakim’s reign over Judah, Josiah’s son, during the ninth month, they declared a massive fast for everyone in Jerusalem and all the peeps who came from Judah’s cities to Jerusalem.
Baruch read Jeremiah’s words from the scroll at the LORD’s house. He was chillin’ in a room owned by Gemariah, son of Shaphan, who was a scribe. They were up in the courtyard near the entrance of the swanky new gate of the LORD’s house. And everyone was tuned in, listening closely.
When Michaiah, son of Gemariah and grandson of Shaphan, heard all the words of the LORD from the scroll,
He bounced over to the king’s place where all the VIPs were hangin’. And who was kickin’ it there? Elishama, the scribe guy, along with Delaiah, son of Shemaiah, Elnathan, son of Achbor, Gemariah, son of Shaphan, Zedekiah, son of Hananiah, and all the other rad peeps.
So Michaiah spilled all the details about what he heard when Baruch was dropping truth bombs reading that scroll to everyone.
So, all the big shots sent this dude named Jehudi (weird name, right?) to go get Baruch. They were like, “Yo, bring that scroll you were reading to everyone and come here.” And Baruch, being a total champ, grabbed the scroll and went to meet them.
And they said, “Hey, take a seat and read it aloud to us.” So Baruch read it aloud for them.
So, after hearing it all, they were completely shocked and said, “Hey, Baruch, we need to tell the king everything we’ve heard!”
So they said, “Hey Baruch, spill it. How did you write down all these words exactly as he said?”
So Baruch was like, “Yo, he literally spoke all this stuff to me, and I wrote it down in the book with some ink.”
So the officials were like, “Hey Baruch, go chill with Jeremiah. Keep it quiet and stay under the radar, you know?”
So they went to the king’s place, but they stashed the scroll in Elishama the scribe’s place, and spilled all the details in the king’s ears.
So the king told Jehudi to fetch the scroll, and he grabbed it from Elishama the scribe’s room. Jehudi read it aloud to the king and all the important officials who were standing there.
So, the king was chilling in his comfy winterhouse, probably in November or something, with a warm fire crackling in front of him on the hearth.
So Jehudi was reading this scroll, you know? And after flipping through like three or four pages, he whipped out his pocket knife and started slicing it up. Then he tossed the pieces into the fire that was blazing in the fireplace. He kept at it until the whole scroll was completely burned up.
But nobody was phased. They didn’t tear their clothes or anything, not even the king or any of his crew, when they heard all that was written.
But Elnathan, Delaiah, and Gemariah tried to talk some sense into the king about not destroying the scroll, but he totally brushed them off.
The king ordered Jerahmeel, Hammelech’s son, Seraiah, Azriel’s son, and Shelemiah, Abdeel’s son, to grab Baruch the scribe and Jeremiah the prophet. But God hid them away.
So, after the king burned the scroll with the words Baruch wrote down while Jeremiah was dictating, God spoke to Jeremiah. It was pretty intense.
“Get another scroll and write down all the same stuff that was on the first one Jehoiakim, the king of Judah, burned.”
“Hey Jehoiakim, listen up, it’s the LORD talking! You burned that scroll because it said Babylon’s king would come and wreck this land, wiping out both people and animals. Seriously?
So here’s what God says about Jehoiakim, the king of Judah: No one from David’s family will succeed him as king. When he dies, they’ll just toss his body out like trash, exposed to the elements day and night. It’s gonna be harsh.”
“So, I’m totally gonna bring down some serious consequences on this guy and his whole crew for all the messed-up stuff they’ve been doing. And you know what? Everything I said would go down, it’s gonna hit them, the folks in Jerusalem, and all across Judah. But honestly, they didn’t even listen.
So Jeremiah grabbed another scroll and handed it to Baruch, the scribe who was Neriah’s son. Baruch wrote down everything Jeremiah had said, word for word, in the book that King Jehoiakim of Judah had burned in the fire. Not only that, but Baruch added even more words similar to the ones before.”

Jeremiah 37

Yo, so Zedekiah, who’s Josiah’s kid, stepped up as king after Coniah, who’s Jehoiakim’s son. Nebuchadrezzar, the Babylonian king, put Coniah in charge of Judah, you feel?
But yo, nobody, not even the king, his squad, or the people, paid attention to what God was saying through the prophet Jeremiah.
So, King Zedekiah sent Jehucal, Shelemiah’s son, and Zephaniah, who’s Maaseiah’s kid, to Prophet Jeremiah, asking him to, like, pray to the LORD our God for us, you know?
So, Jeremiah was just chilling with the people, you feel? They didn’t throw him in the slammer or anything.
So, Pharaoh’s army dipped out of Egypt, and when the Chaldeans who were circling Jerusalem heard about it, they bounced from there.
Yo, the Lord dropped a message to Jeremiah the prophet, like,
Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, has to say: Go tell the king of Judah who sent you to ask me a question. Check it out, that Pharaoh’s army you were hoping would save you? They’re heading back to Egypt, to their own hood.
Yo, the Chaldeans are gonna come back and straight up attack this city, then take it and set it on fire.
Listen up, fam! This is what the LORD says: Don’t deceive yourselves into thinking the Chaldeans will leave our land. Nah, they’re staying put. Don’t underestimate it, you know what I’m saying? This is for real. No falsehoods.
Even if y’all straight up wrecked the whole Chaldean army coming at you, and only a few wounded soldiers were left, those dudes would still get up from their tents and burn this city down. Like, even with their injuries!
So, after the Chaldean army bounced from Jerusalem ’cause they got shook by Pharaoh’s army, you feel? It’s like they dipped out real quick, man!
So, Jeremiah bounced from Jerusalem and went to the land of Benjamin, just needing some space away from everyone. He had to slip away without anyone clocking him.
So, when he was chilling at the Benjamin gate, there’s this dude named Irijah, who’s like the captain of the guard or something. He grabs Jeremiah the prophet and goes, “Bro, you’re straight up betraying us by teaming up with the Chaldeans.”
Jeremiah was like, “Nah, that ain’t it. I’m not switching sides to the Chaldeans.” But they didn’t listen, and Irijah grabbed Jeremiah and handed him over to the rulers.
So, the princes got real mad at Jeremiah, totally went after him, and tossed him into jail at Jonathan the scribe’s place, ’cause that’s where they kept all the prisoners and stuff.
So, Jeremiah ended up in this super dark and creepy dungeon with all these tiny cells, and he had to stay there for a really long time, you know?
Then King Zedekiah was like, “Yo, get Jeremiah out of there.” And then the king was all sly about it and asked Jeremiah in private, “Dude, did God say anything?” Jeremiah was like, “Yeah, man. He straight up said that you’re gonna be handed over to the Babylonian king.”
Jeremiah straight up asked King Zedekiah, like, “What did I even do to you, your squad, or the people, for you to throw me in this slammer?”
So, like, where are all those prophets who were saying, “Don’t stress, fam, the king of Babylon ain’t gonna come and mess with you or this land”?
Yo, listen up, my dude the king: I’m begging you, please, hear me out; don’t send me back to Jonathan the scribe’s place, ’cause I don’t wanna die there. Grant my plea, fam.
So King Zedekiah was like, “Put Jeremiah in prison and make sure he gets a daily ration of bread from the bakers’ street until all the bread in the city is gone.” And that’s how Jeremiah ended up stuck in the prison courtyard.

Jeremiah 38

So Shephatiah, son of Mattan, Gedaliah, son of Pashur, Jucal, son of Shelemiah, and Pashur, son of Malchiah, heard what Jeremiah was saying to all the people,
Yo, check it out! The LORD dropped this word: Anyone kickin’ it in this city is gonna face death by sword, starvation, and sickness. But if you dip to the Chaldeans, you’ll live, fam! You’ll keep your life and keep it movin’, fr.
Yo, God’s like, ‘Hey, pay attention, fam! This city’s totally gonna get overrun by King Babylon’s army, for real.
So the leaders went to the king and said, “Please have this guy taken out, ’cause he’s speaking in a way that’s making the soldiers and the people lose heart. He ain’t looking out for the people’s good, but trying to mess ’em up.”
So King Zedekiah was like, “Look, he’s in your hands now, ’cause the king can’t go against you or anything.”
So they took Jeremiah and chucked him into the dungeon owned by Malchiah, the son of Hammelech. This dungeon was in the prison courtyard. They lowered Jeremiah down with ropes. There wasn’t any water in the dungeon, just a bunch of muck, and Jeremiah sank down into it.
So, there was this dude named Ebedmelech, he was Ethiopian and one of the king’s peeps, right? And he heard they tossed Jeremiah into the dungeon. And you know what? The king was just posted up at the Benjamin Gate.
Ebedmelech dipped from the king’s place and rolled up to the king, like yo,
“Yo, king, these guys been shady AF with what they did to Jeremiah the prophet. They straight up tossed him in a dungeon, and now he’s starving ’cause there’s no food left in the city. It’s messed up, he ’bout to die!”
Then the king commanded Ebedmelech the Ethiopian, saying, “Yo, gather up thirty of your squad and get Jeremiah the prophet out of that dungeon before he bites it. And make sure you bring him out safe, you know what I’m saying?”
So Ebedmelech rounded up his crew and they all went to the king’s pad, where he kept his gear. They grabbed some raggedy old clothes and lowered them down into the dungeon where Jeremiah was posted up.
Ebedmelech the Ethiopian was like, “Yo, Jeremiah, take these raggedy clothes and put ’em under your arms, under the ropes.” Jeremiah was like, “Cool, I got you,” and did what he was told.
They pulled Jeremiah up with ropes and got him out of that grimy dungeon. After that, Jeremiah chilled in the prison courtyard.
So King Zedekiah summoned Jeremiah the prophet and took him to the third entrance of the Lord’s house. The king was like, “Yo Jeremiah, I need to ask you something. Lay it all out, don’t hold back.”
Jeremiah was like, “Bro, if I tell you straight up, you gonna kill me? And if I give you advice, you gonna actually listen?”
So King Zedekiah swore to Jeremiah secretly, like, “I swear by the Almighty God who created us, I won’t put you to death or let those guys who want to kill you get to you.”
So Jeremiah laid it out for Zedekiah, straight from the LORD, the Almighty God of Israel: “If you dip out and meet up with Babylon’s VIPs, you’ll be safe, bro. This city won’t get torched, and you and your fam will live.”
“But if you ignore Babylon’s leaders and stay put, this city will fall to the Chaldeans, and they’ll light it up. There won’t be any way to escape them.”
So King Zedekiah was like, “Jeremiah, man, I’m freaking out about these Jews who switched sides to the Chaldeans! What if they hand me over and roast me? That’s my worst nightmare! 🙈”
But Jeremiah reassured him, saying, “Nah, they won’t save you, bro. Just listen up and follow what the LORD told you through me. Trust me, it’ll go well for you and keep you alive.”
But if you’re not keen on leaving the city, here’s what the LORD told me:
“Yo, check it out! All the women left in the king of Judah’s palace will be taken to the big shots of Babylon. These ladies will say, ‘Your buddies played you, man! They came out on top. You’re in a sticky situation, and they left you hanging.’”
“So, all your wives and kids will be taken by the Chaldeans, and there’s no way you can dodge them. The king of Babylon will capture you, and you’ll be the one who sets this city on fire. Yeah, you’re gonna burn it down. Literally, fire emoji. 🔥”
So Zedekiah said to Jeremiah, “Hey, keep this between us. If anyone hears about it, you won’t get hurt, bro.”
“But if the officials catch wind that I talked to you and they come asking, ‘Tell us what you said to the king. Don’t hide anything, and we won’t harm you,’ spill the beans about what the king told you too, you know?”
So I approached the king and pleaded, “Dude, I’m begging you, don’t send me back to Jonathan’s place to die.”
Then all the officials came to Jeremiah and were like, “Yo, spill it: what did the king say?” And Jeremiah straight up told them everything the king had commanded. After that, they were speechless because they didn’t know what else to say.
So Jeremiah remained in the courtyard of the prison until the day Jerusalem was captured. And he stayed there even after Jerusalem was captured.

Jeremiah 39

So, like, in Zedekiah’s ninth year ruling over Judah, around the tenth month, Nebuchadrezzar, the Babylonian king, pulled up to Jerusalem with his whole army and pitched camp around the city.
Then, in the 11th year of Zedekiah, on, like, the fourth month, specifically the ninth day, the city got totally wrecked.
So, all the high-ranking dudes from the king of Babylon rolled in and posted up at the main entrance. There were names like Nergalsharezer, Samgarnebo, Sarsechim, Rabsaris, and even Nergalsharezer (double cool points, yo), Rabmag, and all the other VIPs from the king’s crew.
When Zedekiah, the king of Judah, peeped them and saw all the army dudes, they freaked out big time and bounced out of the city by night. They slipped through the king’s garden and used the gate between the two walls to dip out. He made his getaway along the plain.
So, the Chaldean army was totally on their tail, and they caught up with Zedekiah in the plains of Jericho, you feel? And when they finally nabbed him, they hauled him straight to Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, at this spot called Riblah in the land of Hamath. And there, Nebuchadnezzar laid it all out for him, you know what I mean? No shade, just facts.
And the king of Babylon just went ahead and took out Zedekiah’s sons right in front of him, you know? Oh, and he also wiped out all the top dogs from Judah. It was intense, man.
Then he totally blinded Zedekiah and put him in chains to haul him off to Babylon. He used these like, mega strong chains or something. #NoEscape
And then the Chaldeans totally torched the king’s palace and the people’s houses, like flames everywhere! They completely wrecked the walls of Jerusalem, zero chill.
So Nebuzaradan, the head honcho of the crew, gathered up everyone left in the city—those who switched sides and joined him, and whoever else was still around—and shipped them off to Babylon.
But Nebuzaradan, the main dude in charge of the guards, had compassion for the poor folks in Judah who had nothing left. So he hooked them up with vineyards and fields all in one go. And just like that, it happened!
Then King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon gave orders to Nebuzaradan, who was in charge of his guards, about taking care of Jeremiah. He said, “Make sure you look after Jeremiah and keep him safe.”
“Hey, take this guy and make sure you watch him closely, but don’t lay a finger on him. Just do whatever he says.”
So Nebuzaradan, the head of the squad, rolled in with his crew – Nebushasban, Rabsaris, Nergalsharezer, Rabmag, and all the big shots from Babylon. They were like, major players, you feel? #squadgoals
So they went and fetched Jeremiah from that prison spot and handed him over to this dude Gedaliah, who was Ahikam’s son and Shaphan’s grandson. They wanted Gedaliah to take Jeremiah back home, so he could be with the people.
Then God dropped a message on Jeremiah out of the blue while he was just chilling in the prison yard, like,
“Hey, go find Ebedmelech the Ethiopian and give him this message from the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel. Check it out: I’m about to bring some serious trouble on this city, not good vibes, and you’re gonna see it go down.”
“But chill, I got you covered,” says the LORD. “You won’t have to deal with those people you’re scared of.”
“Seriously, I got you protected. No one’s gonna mess with you. Your life will be saved because you put your trust in me,” says the LORD.

Jeremiah 40

Yo, check it—Jeremiah heard from the LORD right after Nebuzaradan, the big boss of the guards, let him loose from Ramah. Jeremiah was straight-up chained with all those other folks hauled off from Jerusalem and Judah to Babylon. Like, chains everywhere, dude!
So Nebuzaradan rolls up on Jeremiah and he’s like, “Yo, God just dropped some truth bombs about this place—it’s on for some serious bad vibes.”
Yo, the LORD straight-up made this go down just like He said, ’cause y’all messed up and didn’t vibe with His voice. So yeah, this is what’s goin’ down.
Yo, listen up! Today, I’m bustin’ those chains off your hands. If you wanna ride with me to Babylon, you’re welcome to join, and I’ll make sure you’re good. But if you’re not feelin’ it and wanna do your own thing outside Babylon, that’s cool too. The whole land’s open to you, so go wherever feels right. It’s your call, my friend.
Before he bounced, he was like, “Go kick it with Gedaliah, son of Ahikam, son of Shaphan. The king of Babylon put him in charge of the cities in Judah. You can chill with him and the crew, or jet wherever you wanna go.” So the captain of the guard hooked him up with some grub, a little somethin’ extra, and let him dip.
Jeremiah kicked it with Gedaliah, son of Ahikam, in Mizpah. He hung out with the folks who were still kickin’ it in the land.
When all the top dogs leading the armies in the fields heard that the king of Babylon had made Gedaliah, son of Ahikam, governor in the land and put him in charge of everyone—men, women, kids, and those who didn’t get taken to Babylon as prisoners—
So, Gedaliah was posted up in Mizpah, right? Then Ishmael, son of Nethaniah, rolled in with Johanan and Jonathan, sons of Kareah, and Seraiah, son of Tanhumeth, along with Ephai and his crew from Netophah, and Jezaniah, son of Maacathite, showed up with their squads.
Gedaliah, son of Ahikam and grandson of Shaphan, kicked it with them and reassured the whole crew not to stress about serving the Chaldeans. He was like, “Just chill, stay in the land, serve the king of Babylon, and everything’s gonna be cool.”
Here’s how it went down: “Yo, I’m gonna hold it down here in Mizpah and do my thing for the Chaldeans when they roll through. But you all, go scoop up some wine, summer fruits, and oil, and stash ’em away. Oh, and make yourselves comfy in the cities you’ve taken over.”
So, when all the Jewish folks kickin’ it in Moab, among the Ammonites, and in Edom, and basically all over, heard that the king of Babylon had spared a remnant of Judah and put Gedaliah (Ahikam’s son and grandson of Shaphan) in charge,
They all bounced back from wherever they were scattered to Judah, to chill with Gedaliah in Mizpah. They stocked up on wine and summer fruits like it was nobody’s business.
Then Johanan (aka JoJo) and all the other squad leaders who were out in the fields, they pull up to Gedaliah’s spot in Mizpah.
JoJo’s like, “Yo, did you know that Baalis, the king of the Ammonites, sent Ishmael, son of Nethaniah, to straight up whack you?” But Gedaliah, son of Ahikam, was like, “Nah, man, I ain’t buying that.”
Johanan, son of Kareah, slid up to Gedaliah on the low in Mizpah and was like, “Yo, let me handle Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son. I got this on the down-low. If he takes you out, all us Jews who got your back will scatter, and the rest of the survivors in Judah will be history.”
Gedaliah, brother of Ahikam, straight up told Johanan, son of Kareah, “Nah dude, don’t trip. You’re spinning some serious tales about Ishmael, bro.”

Jeremiah 41

Yo, check it out: in the seventh month, Ishmael, who was Nethaniah’s son and from a major fam, rolled up with ten other dudes, like the prince’s crew, to kick it with Gedaliah, Ahikam’s son, in Mizpah. And yo, they all grabbed a meal together.
Then Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, with his crew of ten dudes, straight up went and attacked Gedaliah, Ahikam’s son and Shaphan’s grandson, with a sword. He straight up killed him, even though the king of Babylon had put Gedaliah in charge of the whole land.
Ishmael went on a rampage, taking out all the Jews chilling with Gedaliah and even some Chaldeans at Mizpah, including the tough warriors.
And the day after he offed Gedaliah, nobody even knew what went down.
So, like, this crew of about 80 dudes rolled up from Shechem, Shiloh, and Samaria. They were all decked out with fresh shaved beards, ripped clothes, and even cut themselves up. And get this—they had offerings and incense ready to go, all set to bring to the house of the LORD.
Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, came out of Mizpah to meet them, tears streaming down his face the whole time. When he linked up with them, he was like, “Yo, come roll with Gedaliah, Ahikam’s son.”
When they got to the city, Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, just straight up killed them and threw them into a pit along with his crew.
But ten dudes stood up to Ishmael and were like, “Bro, don’t take us out! We got some dope stuff in the field—wheat, barley, oil, and honey.” So Ishmael backed off and spared their lives, not messing with his own people.
So Ishmael dumped all the bodies of the guys he offed because of Gedaliah into this pit. It was the same pit King Asa had made when he was worried about King Baasha of Israel, you know? And Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, filled it up with all those people he took out.
Then Ishmael rounded up everyone left in Mizpah, even the king’s daughters and all the peeps who were still there under Gedaliah’s watch. Gedaliah, son of Ahikam, had been put in charge by Nebuzaradan, the head honcho of the king’s guard. Ishmael, son of Nethaniah, took them captive and split for the Ammonites.
But when Johanan, Kareah’s son, and all his crew heard about all the messed up stuff Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, had done,
They rallied the troops and went after Ishmael. They caught him posted up by the cool lakes in Gibeon, you know.
When Ishmael’s crew spotted Johanan, Kareah’s son, and his whole squad rolling through, they were pretty amped.
After Ishmael had taken everyone from Mizpah captive, they eventually turned around and joined Johanan, Kareah’s son.
Yo, Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, straight up dipped with eight of his crew from Johanan and bounced to the Ammonites.
Then Johanan, Kareah’s son, gathered all the leaders and the rest of the people he rescued from Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son. They were in Mizpah after Gedaliah, Ahikam’s son, got taken out. This included brave warriors, women, children, and eunuchs he brought back from Gibeon.
And they bounced and settled down in Chimham’s spot near Bethlehem, planning to head to Egypt.
This all went down because of the Chaldeans, obviously! They were shook because Ishmael, Nethaniah’s son, straight up offed Gedaliah, son of Ahikam. And get this—Gedaliah was the governor appointed by the king of Babylon himself. Wild, huh?

Jeremiah 42

So, like, all the big shots, including Johanan and Jezaniah, and basically everyone from the least to the greatest, they all gathered up,
Jeremiah, bro, we need to ask you something. Can you, like, pray to the LORD your God for us and all the folks who are still around? We’re just a tiny crew left, you know how it is. So, yeah, please speak up for us! 🙏
So that God can show us how to figure out our path and what moves we should make.
So Jeremiah, as the prophet, was like, “Hey, I hear you all. I’m gonna go pray to the LORD your God, just as you’ve asked. Whatever He tells me, I’ll tell you straight up, holding nothing back.”
They were like, “Yo, Jeremiah, may the LORD be our witness, for real. If we don’t do what the LORD your God tells us, we’re totally accountable.”
Whether it’s lit or not, we’re gonna do what the LORD our God says, yo. We’re hitting you up so everything goes smooth when we follow the LORD our God.
So, after like ten days, the LORD hit up Jeremiah with a message.
Then he hit up Johanan, son of Kareah, and all the squad leaders chillin’ with him, and everyone from the smallest to the biggest.
And I was like, “Yo, here’s what the LORD, the God of Israel, says to those who sent me to bring your message to him:
If you all chill in this place, I’m gonna hook you up big time. I’ll build you up instead of tearing you down, and I’ll plant you firmly instead of pulling you out. ‘Cause I’m really sorry about all the rough stuff I’ve had to do to you.”
Don’t stress about the king of Babylon, the one y’all are trippin’ over. Chill, says the LORD. ‘Cause I got you covered, ready to save you and set you free from his grip.
I’m gonna bless you big time, so you can prosper and return to your homeland.
But if you’re like, “Nah, we’re not feeling this spot, and we’re not down to listen to the Big Man upstairs, the LORD your God,”
They were like, “Nah, let’s bounce to Egypt instead. It’s all good vibes there—no wars, no alarms blaring, no food shortages. We can totally settle down there.”
Yo, check it, this message from the LORD is for you, the crew left from Judah. Here’s what the LORD of all, the God of Israel, says: If you’re dead set on jetting over to Egypt and chilling there for a bit,
Yo, listen up. Remember that sword you were all shook about? Well, it’s gonna catch up to you in Egypt. And that famine you were so worried about? It’s gonna be right on your tail, right there in Egypt. And guess what? That’s where it’s gonna catch up to you. It’s gonna stick with you, fam.
The ones who insist on jetting off to Egypt for a vacation are in for a rough ride—they’ll face swords, famine, and diseases. No one will survive or escape the disaster I’m about to bring upon them. #NoRegrets
Yo, pay attention! Here’s what the Almighty God of Israel says: Just like I poured out my anger and fury on the folks of Jerusalem, I’m gonna do the same to you when you head to Egypt. You’re gonna be cursed, blown away, and despised, never to return to this place again.
Listen up, fam! The LORD has a message for all of you, the remaining crew from Judah. Don’t even think about heading to Egypt. Seriously, I’m giving you a heads-up right now, no doubts about it. #TakeHeed
So, like, you were low-key hiding your true intentions when you asked me to pray to the LORD your God, saying, ‘Pray for us to the LORD our God!’ You were all, ‘We promise to do whatever the LORD our God says, so just tell us!’ But really, you were being sneaky and trying to fool yourselves, fam.
So, I laid it all out for you, but you totally didn’t listen to what the LORD your God was saying through me. It’s a real letdown, guys.
Just know for sure, you’re gonna run into some serious trouble. We’re talking sword fights, starvation, and some heavy diseases, right where you’re thinking of chilling. Just a heads-up, man.

Jeremiah 43

So, like, after Jeremiah finished laying down all the words of the Lord their God that He sent him to say to the people,
Azariah, son of Hoshaiah, Johanan, son of Kareah, and all those arrogant folks, they were like, “Bro, you’re straight up lying! God didn’t send you to say we shouldn’t go to Egypt and settle there.”
Yo, Baruch, son of Neriah, is totally trying to turn you against us so that the Babylonians can wreck us and haul us off to Babylon forever. Not cool, man!
But yo, Johanan, Kareah’s son, and all the squad leaders, and everyone else, they straight up ignored what the LORD said about staying in Judah.
Check it—Johanan, Kareah’s kid, and the squad leaders gathered the crew who were left from Judah, scattered all over the place, and brought them back to kick it in the land of Judah.
So like, there were dudes, chicks, kids, even the king’s daughters—everyone Nebuzaradan, the captain of the guard, had kicked it with Gedaliah (son of Ahikam, son of Shaphan). Oh, and Jeremiah the prophet and Baruch (son of Neriah) were there too.
So they dipped to Egypt ’cause they didn’t vibe with what the LORD said. That’s how they ended up in Tahpanhes.
Yo, God dropped a message to Jeremiah in Tahpanhes like this,
Yo, grab some massive stones and bury ’em in the clay outside the brick factory by Pharaoh’s spot in Tahpanhes. All the Judah crew gotta see ’em there.
Yo, listen up fam, this is from the LORD, the Almighty, the God of Israel. Check it, I’m sending for Nebuchadnezzar, the big shot from Babylon, ’cause yo, he’s my guy. I’m gonna have him roll up to these hidden stones and set up his throne on ’em. And he’s gonna flex his royal pavilion over ’em like a boss.
And when he shows, he’s gonna straight up wreck Egypt, like for real. Those who gotta go down will go down, those who gotta be captured will be captured, and those who gotta face the sword, they’ll face it.
“I’m about to set those Egyptian god cribs on fire—total blaze! Their places will be wrecked, and they’ll get straight up owned as captives. I’m gonna run Egypt like a boss, swaggin’ like a shepherd in fresh threads. Then I’m out, no drama.
“He’s gonna wreck those Bethshemesh statues in Egypt—straight-up demolition. And those Egyptian god houses? They’re getting lit, fam! Those statues? Bye-bye history! Bethshemesh? Used to be the house of the sun, but not for long!”

Jeremiah 44

So, Jeremiah heard from God about all those Jewish homies chilling in Egypt—like in Migdol, Tahpanhes, Noph, and Pathros. Here’s what God dropped:
Yo, listen up fam! The Most High, the God of Israel, got some words for y’all. Y’all saw how I straight up messed with Jerusalem and them other cities in Judah, right? Well, peep this—now those places are ghost towns. Ain’t nobody living there anymore, it’s deserted.
They seriously messed up big time when they started doing all that wild stuff that got me seriously ticked off. They were out there burning incense and worshipping these random gods they didn’t even know squat about. And get this—not you, not even your ancestors, knew anything about those gods either.
I straight up sent all my servants, the prophets, to them. I’ve been up at the crack of dawn, hitting send like, “Yo, don’t even think about pulling that disgusting stunt that I absolutely can’t stand.”
But they straight up didn’t listen and ignored the memo to stop being wicked and stop worshipping other gods.
So yeah, my anger totally blew up and went off in the cities of Judah and on the streets of Jerusalem. And now they’re all wrecked and abandoned, just like they are right now.
Ayo, check it! Here’s what the LORD, the Almighty God of Israel, is saying: Why you gotta do this messed up thing and harm yourselves? You’re practically wiping out everyone from Judah – guys, girls, kids, babies – leaving no one. It’s seriously devastating!
So, like, you know how you get me all heated with the things you do? Like, burning incense to other gods while you’re living in Egypt? It’s like you’re trying to distance yourselves and be a huge letdown and embarrassment to all the nations around you. Not cool, fam.
Yo, remember how jacked up your ancestors were? The kings of Judah and their wives were straight wicked. And don’t even get me started on your own wickedness and your wives’! They were out here doing all kinds of messed up stuff in Judah and on the streets of Jerusalem.
Bro, they still haven’t owned up to their mistakes. They haven’t shown any respect or followed the rules and laws I gave to you and your ancestors. They haven’t humbled themselves at all.
This is what the LORD, the big boss up in heaven, the God of Israel, has to say, you know? Pay attention, ’cause I’m about to lay it down for you. I’m gonna be totally against you, like seriously upset, and I’m gonna ensure that all of Judah gets wiped out.
And I’ll round up the remaining folks from Judah who jetted off to Egypt. But guess what? They’re all gonna bite the dust there. Yeah, you heard me. They’ll kick it from swords and starvation, from the least to the most important. They’re gonna end up cursed and straight-up embarrassed.
Yo, I’m gonna lay down some serious consequences on those peeps chilling in Egypt, just like I did in Jerusalem. It’s gonna be a mix of swords, famine, and sickness. No kidding.
Basically, none of those leftover folks from Judah who dipped to Egypt can escape or chill there safely. They won’t be able to bounce back to Judah like they hoped, except for the lucky few who manage to escape. Yeah, they’re itching to live back home, you feel? But only a handful will actually make it.
So, like, all these people found out their spouses were into other gods, like, loads of folks from Egypt and Pathros. They hit up Jeremiah, and they were all,
“Yo, we ain’t feeling what you’re saying in the name of the LORD, so we’re gonna do our own thing, fam.
But, like, we’re totally gonna do our thing—burning incense to the queen of heaven and pouring out drinks to her. Our parents, leaders, and rulers in Judah and Jerusalem did it too, and it seemed to work out fine. We had plenty to eat, everything was chill, and we dodged all the bad stuff.
But ever since we stopped worshiping the queen of heaven and giving her fancy drinks, things have been rough—sword fights and hunger are hitting us hard.
So, like, we used to light incense for the queen of heaven and pour her drinks, you know? We even baked special cakes just for her and offered drinks to show how devoted we were. And, by the way, we totally did all this with our husbands’ knowledge and approval, you feel me?
Then Jeremiah was like, “Yo, listen up everyone! This message is for all of you who responded like that:”
Yo, didn’t the Lord peep the incense y’all were burning in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem? It’s like, totally slipped His mind, even though you, your folks, the kings, the princes, and everyone else were all about it.
The Lord couldn’t handle it anymore—your wicked deeds and all the messed-up stuff you’ve been pulling. That’s why your land is straight cursed and deserted, like a ghost town where nobody’s chillin’, just like it is today.
Yo, you be burning them incenses, straight disrespecting the Almighty, not even tuning in to His voice or keeping His laws, statutes, or testimonies. That’s why all this bad stuff is going down right now, you feel me?
Yo, Jeremiah dropped truth bombs on everyone, including the ladies. Listen up, all you peeps in Egypt, this is a message from the LORD.
Yo, peep this from the Most High, the God of Israel: You and your crew been talkin’ big game, swearin’ up and down to worship the queen of heaven and pour out drinks for her. Well, guess what? You gonna follow through on those promises, no doubt.
Listen up, fam! This message is for all the squad reppin’ Judah in Egypt. Imma lay down some truth from the LORD. Check it, I’ve sworn by my holy name, says the LORD, that no one from Judah in Egypt will be throwin’ around my name, sayin’ stuff like ‘The Lord GOD lives’.
Yo, check it! I’m gonna be watchin’ those dudes real close, but it ain’t gonna be for any good reason. All them guys from Judah kickin’ it in Egypt? They gonna get wrecked by the sword and starve till there ain’t none left. It’s gonna be rough, bro.
But a few who manage to dodge the killin’ gonna bounce back from Egypt to Judah. And all the survivors from Judah who dipped to Egypt gonna finally see whose words gonna happen—mine or theirs.
Yo, peep this! The big man upstairs just dropped a serious sign on y’all. He’s straight up sayin’ he’s gonna bring down some heavy punishment right here, so you better pay attention. This is to show you that when He speaks, He means business, and His words gonna happen, even if it’s bad news for you.
Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD says: Check it out, I’m gonna hand over Pharaohhophra, the king of Egypt, to his enemies and those who wanna take his life, just like I handed over Zedekiah, the king of Judah, to Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon, who was out to get him.

Jeremiah 45

Yo, check it out: Jeremiah, this legit prophet, was chillin’ with Baruch, who’s Neriah’s kid. And bam, he jotted all this down in a book while Jeremiah was straight spittin’ truth. This went down in the fourth year of Jehoiakim, Josiah’s son and the king of Judah. Here’s the scoop from Jeremiah:
Yo Baruch, peep this message from the LORD, the God of Israel:
Bruh, I’m like, OMG, everything’s messed up right now! I’m feeling hella sad, and it’s like the LORD keeps piling on the drama. I’m totally drained from all this sighing, and I can’t find peace anywhere.
Sure, here’s a Gen Z version while keeping it respectful and faithful to the Bible:
So, like, tell him this, God’s like, “Yo, listen up, what I’ve built, I’m totally gonna tear down, and what I’ve planted, I’m gonna straight-up uproot. This whole land, it’s gonna get wrecked.”
Yo, you out here chasing clout for yourself or what? Nah, not a good look. Check it, I’m about to bring some major trouble to everyone, says the LORD. But listen up, I got your back. Your life? Yeah, I’m gonna make sure you come out on top wherever you go.

Jeremiah 46

So, like, here’s the word from the LORD that Jeremiah, the prophet, got about those non-Jewish peeps;
So, like, Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, straight up clashed with Pharaoh Necho’s army at Carchemish by the river Euphrates. This was in the fourth year of Jehoiakim, son of Josiah, the king of Judah, just so you know.
Yo, grab your shield and suit up, it’s battle time.
Yo, saddle up those horses, calling all horse peeps, get your helmets on, shine up those spears, and suit up in your armor.
Why are they shakin’ and runnin’ scared? Their mighty ones are taken down, they’re scramblin’ without lookin’ back because fear’s got ’em surrounded, says the LORD.
Don’t let the swift escape or the strong ones slip away; they’re gonna stumble and fall up by the river Euphrates, heading north.
Yo, who’s comin’ in like a tsunami, with waters rushin’ like mighty rivers?
Egypt be like a massive wave, its waters flowin’ strong like rivers; and Egypt be sayin’, “Yo, I’m gonna rise up and flood the whole land; I’m gonna wreck the city and all its peeps.”
Yo, horses, let’s roll! Chariots, rev up! Watch out for those tough warriors from Ethiopia and Libya, masters of shield combat. And don’t sleep on the bow-wielding Lydians!
Yo, today’s the day when the Lord God, the ultimate boss, comes for payback. He’s gonna make sure his enemies get what’s coming to ’em. The sword’s gonna do its thing, drinkin’ up their blood till it’s satisfied. The Lord God, the ultimate boss, even got a big plan goin’ down up north by the Euphrates River.
Yo, head up to Gilead and grab some healing balm, oh young queen of Egypt. But no matter how many remedies you try, they won’t do a thing. Sorry, but there’s no cure for you.
All the nations have heard about your shame, and your cry has gone viral: because one influencer stumbled over another, and now they’re both canceled.
This is what God told Jeremiah the prophet: Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, is coming to lay waste to Egypt.
Yo, spread the word in Egypt. Let everyone in Migdol, Noph, and Tahpanhes know. Tell ’em to brace themselves and get ready ’cause danger’s comin’ from every direction. The sword’s gonna bring chaos, man.
Why did your mighty warriors get taken out? They stood no chance because the LORD pushed them away.
He made many stumble, like one person falling on another. They said, “Let’s go back to our own people and our birthplace, away from this sword that’s hurting us.”
They were like, “OMG, Pharaoh king of Egypt is such a joke! He couldn’t even meet the deadline.”
I promise you, says the King, whose name is the LORD of hosts, just like how Tabor is the raddest mountain and Carmel is the sickest spot by the sea, that’s exactly how he’s gonna roll in.
Hey, girl in Egypt, brace yourself for captivity. The city of Noph will be left empty and deserted. (Just so you know, “instruments of captivity” means the things they’ll use to take you away.)
Egypt might seem strong like a young heifer, but watch out—destruction is coming from the north.
The people she relied on are like well-fed bulls in her midst, but even they have surrendered and fled together. They couldn’t hold their ground because their day of trouble had come, and it was time for them to face the consequences of their actions.
Their voices will hiss like serpents. They’ll come with a massive army, swinging their axes like they’re chopping wood.
The Lord said they’re gonna clear-cut that forest, but it’s gonna be impossible to cover all the ground ’cause there’s way more of them than grasshoppers—like, insane numbers.
Egypt’s gonna be trembling; she’ll be handed over to the people from the north.
Yo fam, listen up! The Most High, the OG of Israel, is like, “Yo, here’s the deal. I’m about to bring down some serious punishment on No, Pharaoh, and Egypt, including their gods and kings. Even Pharaoh himself and all his crew who be trusting in him. By the way, ‘multitude’ in Hebrew actually means ‘nourisher,’ in case you were curious.”
And I’m gonna hand them over to those who wanna take ’em out, even to Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, and his squad. But chill, after that, it’s gonna get all populated again, just like in the good ol’ days, says the LORD.
Chill out, my homie Jacob, and don’t trip, O Israel. ‘Cause listen up, I got your back from afar, rescuing you and your peeps from that place where they’re held captive. Jacob’s gonna bounce back, living it up with no one bringing fear your way.
Relax, Jacob, my dude, says the LORD. I’m right there with you, and I’m gonna straight up take out all those nations I sent you against. But don’t stress, I won’t wipe you out completely. I’ll give you some tough love, but I won’t let you off the hook completely. So, you know, chill.

Jeremiah 47

Yo, check it—God dropped a word on Jeremiah, the prophet, about the Philistines right before Pharaoh rolled up and hit Gaza. By the way, Gaza’s also known as Azzah, just FYI.
Hey, listen up! God’s saying something major is about to go down: water’s gonna gush from the north and flood the whole area, city and all! People are gonna freak and everyone living there will totally lose it!
When his fierce horses start stomping and his epic chariots roll, and his wheels are roaring loud, dads won’t even have the strength to look back at their kids.
Yo, listen up! There’s gonna come a day when the Almighty is gonna lay it down on the Philistines and bring down all their crew from Tyrus and Zidon. The Lord is gonna straight up spoil those Philistines, and the leftovers from Caphtor won’t be spared. You catchin’ my drift?
Yo, Gaza is seriously losing its hair. Ashkelon is practically wiped out, with just a small piece of land left in their valley. Bro, how long you gonna keep on cutting yourself?
Hey, sword of the LORD, when you gonna chill? It’s time to sheathe yourself, take a breather, and just chillax. #GatherYourself
Dude, how can anyone chill when the LORD is totally coming for Ashkelon and the entire coastal area? It’s like, He’s got some serious issues there. It’s all part of His master plan, man. No joke!

Jeremiah 48

Yo, Moab, listen up! The Almighty, the God of Israel, has a word for you. Nebo is in serious trouble, like, totally wrecked. Kiriathaim is embarrassed and captured. And Misgab? It’s a total disaster, freaking out big time. (Oh, and Misgab means “the high place,” FYI.)
Moab’s not getting any more hype: they’re scheming some shady stuff in Heshbon. Time to cancel them as a nation. And Madmen, y’all are next; the sword’s coming for you.
Yo, Horonaim’s gonna be a total mess, chaos and destruction everywhere, people crying out and all.
Moab’s completely wrecked; even the little ones are causing a scene, going viral and all!
As we hike up Luhith, tears will be streaming non-stop; and as we come down Horonaim, our enemies will hear the sound of deep sorrow and destruction. (The Hebrew text really hypes up the intensity of weeping.)
Yo, secure your existence and stay solid, like that tree standing strong all by itself out in the middle of nowhere, or something like that.
Because you were all about your achievements and wealth, you’re gonna get captured. Even Chemosh, his priests, and his princes are gonna be taken into captivity.
And like, serious destruction is gonna hit every city—no one’s getting away. The valley’s gonna be wiped out, and the plain totally wrecked, just like the LORD said.
Yo, Moab better spread its wings and bounce, ’cause its cities are gonna be totally deserted, no one left living there.
Big time cursed are those who slack off in their work for the LORD, and super cursed are those who hold back their sword from shedding blood. Seriously, don’t be lazy or weak about it.
Moab’s been living the chill life since day one—never facing tough times or challenges. That’s why their vibe’s been consistent and their aura hasn’t changed. They’ve been steady, you know.
So, listen up, God’s saying the future’s gonna get wild, alright? He’s sending these wanderers to mess with this dude, leaving him totally lost and wrecked. They’re gonna raid his stash, smashing all his fancy bottles. It’s gonna be intense.
Moab’s gonna be ashamed of Chemosh, just like Israel was ashamed of Bethel, the place they trusted.
Yo, why you all acting tough like hardcore warriors?
Moab got wrecked, her cities are deserted, and her best young dudes got taken out, says the King, who’s the LORD of hosts.
Check it, Moab’s in for a world of trouble. It’s coming real soon, and the struggle’s gonna hit ’em like lightning.
OMG, all of you who are close to him, seriously mourn for him! And everyone who knows his name, like, how did this amazing leader get so wrecked? It’s like the coolest thing just snapped!
Hey, girl living in Dibon, time to come down from your high horse and get real, ’cause Moab’s gonna get wrecked by this spoiler dude, and he’s gonna tear down your strongholds.
Hey, Aroer peeps, keep watch on the road and stay alert. Ask those running away and escaping, “What’s happening?”
OMG, Moab is totally wrecked—like, seriously shattered. Spread the word loud and clear in Arnon that Moab got completely trashed.
Yo, punishment’s going down in the chill towns like Holon, Jahazah, and Mephaath.
And like, it’s hitting up Dibon, Nebo, and Bethdiblathaim,
Also Kiriathaim, Bethgamul, and Bethmeon,
And like, it’s hitting up Kerioth, Bozrah, and all the cities in the land of Moab, whether they’re nearby or far off.
God’s saying Moab’s strength got cut off and his power’s wrecked.
Bring him down hard because he dissed the LORD. Moab’s gonna end up humiliated and a laughingstock.
Oh, seriously? Did you think Israel was a joke? Did you really believe they were thieves? Every time someone brought them up, you couldn’t help but get all hyped and worked up.
Hey, Moab crew, peace out from the cities and head for the rocks. Chill like a dove that sets up its nest in the side of a cliff.
So, we’ve heard about Moab’s pride—this dude is seriously full of himself. He’s all about being lofty, arrogant, and totally haughty in heart.
God’s saying, yeah, he might be angry now, but it won’t last forever; his lies won’t hold up. Those who trust in his false promises won’t succeed in the end, you know?
So, I’m gonna keep it real and pour out my heart for Moab. I’m gonna cry out big time for all of Moab. My heart’s gonna be heavy for the folks in Kirheres.
Yo, Sibmah vineyard, I’m gonna shed tears for you like they do in Jazer. Your vines used to stretch all the way to the Jazer Sea—yeah, that far. The destroyer has messed up your summer fruits and vintage, man.
The fields and land of Moab are now quiet, joy and happiness gone. I’ve put a stop to the wine flowing in the presses; no one will stomp grapes or celebrate anymore. The noisy parties are over.
From Heshbon to Elealeh and Jahaz, their voices echo, from Zoar to Horonaim, like a distressed young cow. The waters of Nimrim will dry up completely.
And yo, I’m gonna straight up shut down all those folks in Moab who worship on those high places and burn incense to false gods, says the LORD.
So, like, my heart will be singing some deep vibes for Moab, you know, like jamming out those tunes on my pipes. And same goes for the peeps from Kirheres, my heart’s bumping for them too. It’s all ’cause their fancy wealth, dude, it’s like totally vanished into thin air.
Like, everyone’s gonna be bald, shaving their beards, and rocking cuts on their hands, with sackcloth around their waists. It’s gonna be a vibe of total humility.
All the Moab crew gonna be mad sad, shouting their hearts out from the rooftops and streets. ‘Cause I straight up wrecked Moab, like a worthless thing nobody wants, says the LORD.
They’re gonna be like, ‘OMG, it’s totally wrecked! Moab straight up fled in shame!’ So now, Moab’s gonna be a laughingstock and a big scare for everyone around. Like, seriously embarrassing, you feel me?
Yo, listen up! This is what the LORD says: Watch, dude’s gonna soar like an eagle, spreading his wings over Moab.
Kerioth got smashed, their epic fortresses ambushed! The tough guys in Moab will be freaking out like a girl in labor pains. #NoProtection
Moab’s going down, man. They won’t even exist anymore because they dared to disrespect the Almighty upstairs.
OMG, Moab’s gonna be trembling with fear, trapped and snared in the pit. God said it, y’all!
Running from fear only leads to more trouble. Trying to fix one mess just lands you in another trap. Believe me, Moab’s in for a tough ride. It’s their wake-up call, says the LORD.
The ones who fled sought shelter in the shade of Heshbon due to the enemy’s might, but a fierce fire will break out from Heshbon and a blazing flame from Sihon’s territory. It will devour Moab’s borders and completely overcome those who stir up trouble.
Dang, Moab, it’s rough for you! The followers of Chemosh are finished. Your sons and daughters are taken as prisoners. No way around it.
But hey, fam, in the days to come, the LORD says I’ll restore Moab from their struggles. That’s how it’s gonna go down for Moab, you know what I mean?

Jeremiah 49

Yo, check it out! This is the word from the LORD about the Ammonites: Why are they even trying to take Gad and claim it as their own? They know Israel rightfully owns it, with all its peeps as rightful heirs. It’s not cool for their king or Melcom to be grabbing what ain’t theirs and messing up their own lives in the process!
Yo, listen up! The Most High’s dropping some truth bombs about Rabbah of the Ammonites. It’s gonna be straight-up chaos—like, everything’s gonna get torched, their towns included. And get this? Israel’s gonna swoop in and take over, claiming it all as their rightful inheritance. That’s the word from the LORD, no cap.
OMG, Heshbon, brace yourselves ’cause Ai got wrecked big time! Girls of Rabbah, start sobbing and throw on some sackcloth. It’s mourning time as you wander around in despair. Why? ‘Cause their king, priests, and princes are all about to get locked up. No joke—it’s happening!
Yo, why you frontin’ so hard in them bougie valleys, sis? You all about trustin’ in your wealth and bling, like who’s gonna come and bow down to you? But check it, all that flashy stuff ain’t gonna stick around forever, fam.
Yo, listen up! The Most High, ruler of everything, ’bout to bring some serious shake-up. Everyone around you gonna be quakin’, and you gonna be scatterin’ in all directions. Ain’t nobody comin’ to save those who are lost.
And I’ll bring back the freedom of the kids from Ammon, declares the LORD.
Concerning Edom, the LORD of hosts says: “Has wisdom deserted Teman? Has understanding fled from the prudent? Has their insight evaporated?”
Yo, everyone in Dedan, it’s time to bounce and lay low! I’m ’bout to drop some serious trouble on Esau, and it’s prime time for me to pay him a visit. Trust me, you don’t wanna stick around for this!
Yo, picture this: if grape pickers roll up to your spot, you think they gonna leave any grapes behind? Nah fam, they gonna take every last one they can snatch! Same deal with sneaky thieves at night—they gonna keep causing chaos ’til they get their fill! No cap.
But Esau is fully exposed—I’ve laid bare all his secret spots, and there’s nowhere left for him to duck. His descendants are wrecked, along with his homies and neighbors—it’s a wrap for him.
Look out for your bros without dads—I’ve got their back. And your single moms can count on me, too.
God says: Pay attention, those who weren’t supposed to drink from that cup have already taken a sip. And you, think you’ll get away with no repercussions? No way, buddy. You’re gonna have to take a sip too, for sure.
Yo, I’m tellin’ you straight from the LORD, Bozrah’s gonna be wrecked, mocked, ruined, and messed up. And all them other cities around it? They’re gonna be trashed for good.
Yo, check this hot gossip from the LORD—He’s sending a special messenger to all them non-believers, saying: “Get ready, rally your crew, ’cause it’s time to gear up for a crazy battle!”
Bro, I gotta be honest with you, tough times are coming. You’re gonna feel like you’re nothing compared to all those who don’t believe like we do. And on top of that, they’re gonna disrespect you big time.
Bro, you thought you were untouchable, living large in your fortress on the rock, thinking you’re the king of the hill. But even if you set up your nest way up high like an eagle, I’ll bring you crashing down, says the LORD.
Edom’s gonna be totally messed up, dude! Everyone passing by will be shook, like seriously amazed, and they’ll straight-up hate on all the crazy disasters that happen there.
Just like Sodom, Gomorrah, and their crew got wrecked, the LORD says no one’s gonna hang around there anymore, no human’s gonna call it home.
Yo, listen up! This fierce lion dude’s gonna roll out of the Jordan River, targeting the strong ones. But don’t sweat it, ’cause I’ll make him bounce in a flash. Who’s got what it takes to be the chosen one I appoint? Seriously, who even comes close to me? Who’s got the power to challenge my authority? And who dares to be a shepherd who can stand up to me? That’s right, no one!
So peep this, what the LORD’s gonna do to Edom and them folks in Teman: Even the small fries gonna chase ’em off, and their homes gonna be left deserted and wrecked.
OMG, the earth straight trembled when they fell, and their cry echoed all the way to the Red Sea. Like, whoa!
Yo, peep this: this dude’s gonna rise up and soar like an eagle, stretching his wings over Bozrah. And on that day, the tough guys from Edom gonna feel as helpless as a woman in labor.
Concerning Damascus, Hamath, and Arpad—total shook vibes, ’cause they got some grim news. They’re feeling weak and scared, and the sea’s all stirred up with sorrow, no peace in sight. It’s like everyone’s melting down.
Yo, Damascus is falling apart, scrambling to bail and escape. Fear’s got her in a tight grip, and she’s deep in intense suffering and pain, like a woman in labor.
OMG, how is the splendid city of praise still standing, the city that brings me so much joy! 🙌😍
So, like, all the dudes geared up for battle are gonna eat dirt in the streets. It’s gonna be a complete wipeout, just so you know, says the LORD Almighty.
And I’m gonna light a fire on the walls of Damascus, burning down all the fancy mansions of Benhadad.
Yo, check it! This is what the LORD says about Kedar and the kingdoms of Hazor that Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, is gonna tear down. It’s time to rise up and head over to Kedar, and just straight up take all their stuff from those guys in the east.
Yo, they’re gonna roll up and take their tents and their flocks. They’re gonna snatch their curtains, all their gear, and even their camels. And you know what? They’re gonna be in total panic, crying out because fear’s right on their tail wherever they go.
Yo, people of Hazor, it’s time to bounce, relocate far away and settle down in a new spot. The LORD’s like, ‘Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, has decided to stir things up for you, so you better move out ASAP.’
Yo, go over to that laid-back nation, living easy, says the LORD. They don’t even need gates or bars, they live independently, chilling in solitude.
Their camels are gonna be like a major flex, and their massive herds of cattle will be the ultimate prize. I’m gonna scatter those who are far away and bring trouble to them from all sides, says the LORD.
Hazor’s gonna turn into a dragon’s lair, totally abandoned and a wasteland forever. Nobody’s gonna hang out or live there, not a single person will call it home.
This word from the LORD hit up Jeremiah the prophet about Elam, back when Zedekiah just started his rule as king of Judah.
Yo, listen up! The Almighty says, ‘Watch this, I’m gonna break Elam’s mighty bow, their pride and joy.’
I’m gonna send a huge storm, the four winds, to Elam from every direction, scattering them everywhere. No nation will miss out on having Elam’s outcasts, guaranteed.
I’ll make Elam super stressed when their enemies roll up, and people try to take them out. Listen up, I’m bringing some serious bad vibes, my intense anger, says the LORD. Plus, I’m sending a bunch of swords their way until they’re completely wiped out. No mercy.
Yo, I’m gonna set up my throne in Elam and take down their king and princes, says the LORD.
But listen, in the days to come, I’m gonna bring Elam back from captivity, says God.

Jeremiah 50

Here’s the tea straight from the LORD about Babylon and the Chaldeans, and it’s coming through the prophet Jeremiah. Jeremiah was all in on this message, no cap.
Blast this to everyone, make it viral, no filter: Babylon’s been taken down, Bel’s embarrassed, Merodach’s in pieces; their fake gods are shook, their idols are wrecked.
Yo, there’s a squad from the north coming for Babylon, and they’re not messing around. They’re gonna totally destroy the place, and no one’s gonna live there anymore. Both people and animals are gonna dip, leaving it deserted.
When that time comes, the LORD says the people of Israel and Judah will come together, feeling all the feels: they’ll be out there, looking for the LORD, their God.
They’ll be like, ‘Yo, how do we get to Zion?’ Facing that direction, they’ll be like, ‘Come on, let’s totally vibe with the Supreme Being in a forever bond that we won’t ever break.’
Yo, my people are like lost sheep, for real. Their shepherds totally messed them up, leading them all over the mountains. They’re always on the move, going from one mountain to another, and they straight up forgot where to find some peace and rest.
Everyone who ran into them totally wrecked them, and their enemies were like, ‘We’re not in the wrong, it’s their fault for dissing the Almighty, who’s all about justice and was the hope for their ancestors.’
Yo, bounce outta Babylon and leave the Chaldeans’ turf. Be bold like the alpha goats leading the squad.
Yo, listen up! I’m bringing a squad of powerful nations from the north to roll up on Babylon and totally surround it. Once they pull up, they’re gonna capture her for sure. Their arrows will be on point, like from a pro sniper, and nothing’s gonna miss its mark, trust me.
And Chaldea’s gonna get taken down; all who go after her will be fully satisfied, says the LORD.
Yo, you were all hyped, getting big and loud, oh you who messed with my heritage! You got all hefty like well-fed cattle, making noise like charging bulls.
OMG, your fam is gonna be shook and embarrassed! Like, seriously, your homeland is gonna be a complete wasteland, like a dry, deserted place. It’s gonna be wild!
Babylon’s gonna be totally deserted and abandoned because of the LORD’s anger. Everyone passing by will be shocked and disgusted by the punishment she’s gonna get.
Get ready to surround Babylon from all sides: archers, aim and shoot at her, don’t hold back any arrows! ‘Cause she seriously crossed the line and offended the LORD.
Make some noise all around her! She made promises, but now she’s facing the consequences. Her whole foundation is demolished, her walls are falling apart. It’s the Lord’s way of settling the score. It’s payback time—she did to others, so now it’s done to her.
Yo, anyone planting crops in Babylon or harvesting with a sickle, listen up: everyone’s gonna fear the destructive sword, so they’ll bounce back to their own people and escape to their own lands.
Israel’s out here like lost sheep, with lions chasing them: first, the Assyrian king messed them up, and now this Nebuchadnezzar guy from Babylon has crushed their bones.
So, like, the Almighty God, the real deal God of Israel, is like, ‘Yo, listen up! I’m totally gonna bring some serious consequences on the king of Babylon and his whole crew, just like I did with the king of Assyria.’
And I’ll bring Israel back to their rightful place, and they’ll totally chill in Carmel and Bashan. Their vibe will be so strong on Mount Ephraim and Gilead, for real.
When that day comes, says the LORD, Israel’s wrongs will be wiped clean, and Judah’s sins won’t be found either. I will forgive those I choose to spare.
Yo, go and wreck Merathaim—like, obliterate it completely—and all the people in Pekod too. Do exactly as I’ve commanded you, says the LORD. It’s time to show those rebels who’s in charge. Pekod, it’s your turn for a ‘visit,’ if you catch my drift.
Yo, there’s this intense battle going down in the land, causing major chaos and destruction.
Yo, did you peep that!? The whole earth is shook by how mighty Babylon got laid low and turned into a wasteland among all the nations!
Yo, Babylon, I laid a trap for you, and guess what? You fell right into it without even knowing. You’ve been exposed and caught red-handed for going against the LORD.
Yo, God just unleashed his full force of weapons to express his anger. This is how the Almighty God, ruler over all, handles things in the land of the Chaldeans.
Go full-on and surround her from every angle, raid her warehouses, pile her up like heaps of rubble, and totally wipe her out—leave nothing of her left.
Take down all her finest animals, lead them to slaughter: uh-oh for them! It’s their time to face the music, the moment of their judgment.
The ones who escape Babylon’s grip will spread the word in Zion about how the Lord, our God, will bring justice—payback for what they did to His temple.
Yo, gather all the archers, get ready to shoot at Babylon: everyone with bows, surround it and don’t let anyone slip away. Give them what they deserve for their deeds; do to them what they did to others. They thought they could defy the LORD, the Holy One of Israel.
So, like, her crew are gonna be defeated on the streets, and all her warriors will be taken out on that day, says the LORD.
Yo, listen up. I’m coming for you, you super arrogant one, says the Almighty Lord of all. ‘Cause your time’s up, it’s the moment when I’m gonna come and see you. And just so you know, being “most proud” means being full of yourself, in case you were wondering.
The overly confident ones will stumble and fall hard, with no one to help them back up. Their cities will be set on fire, and the destruction will spread everywhere. 🔥
God said, ‘Yo, the Israelites and the folks from Judah were completely oppressed together. Those who took them captive held onto them tight and didn’t want to let them go.’
Their Savior is insanely powerful; His name is the Almighty. He’s gonna totally defend them and ensure justice is served. And get this—He’ll bring peace to the land and shake things up for those Babylonians.
Yo, the Chaldeans better be on high alert ’cause the LORD’s about to unleash His sword on them. Babylon, its people, leaders, and wise ones are all gonna feel the heat.
The deceivers are gonna face the sword and lose it. Even the tough fighters will be shocked by the sword. And those high-ups, they’re not escaping either.
The horses and chariots are in for a rough ride, just like everyone else inside their city walls—they’ll be weakened like never before. And their riches? Those are gonna be taken away too.
Yo, her waters are drying up like a massive drought is hitting! And why? Because this place is all about those carved images—they’re going crazy over their idols!
So, like, desert creatures and creatures from the islands will chill there together, and even owls will hang out. Honestly, no one will ever live there again, not even for generations and stuff.
Just like when God wiped out Sodom, Gomorrah, and those other cities nearby, He’s saying no one will be able to stay there—no one will live there anymore.
Yo, listen up—there’s gonna be this epic crew coming from the north, like a lit nation with kings from all over the earth showing up.
They’ll be armed with bows and spears—ruthless, showing no mercy. Their voices will roar like crashing waves, riding in on horses, geared up for battle. They’re locked and loaded, like warriors ready to take you on, oh daughter of Babylon.
When the king of Babylon heard about them, he trembled; he was overcome with anguish like a woman in labor.
Yo, peep this: a lion’s gonna charge like lightning from the Jordan River, straight into the territory of the mighty. But guess what? I’m gonna scatter ’em quick. Who’s got the guts to lead ’em? ‘Cause honestly, there’s no one like me. And who’s gonna tell me what to do? Any shepherd think they can stand against me? Nah, fam.
So, listen up to what the LORD’s gonna do to Babylon and the Chaldeans. He’ll use the least expected to take ’em down and wreck their whole place.
When Babylon gets wrecked, the whole earth shakes and everyone everywhere can’t help but scream and shout.

Jeremiah 51

Ayo, peep this! God’s like, “Yo, Babylon, you’re about to catch these hands. I’m unleashing a major smackdown on all those haters who think they can mess with me. It’s gonna be like a tornado of destruction, hitting ’em right in the feels. mic drop
And I’m sending in my squad, for real. They’re gonna roll up on Babylon, flex hard, and strip her land clean. When stuff gets real, they’ll be coming at her from all sides.
When someone’s flexing hard, it’s time for the archer to pull back the bow and take ’em down. Don’t hold back, even on the young ones; wipe out the whole squad without hesitation.
So, peeps are gonna be straight-up dropping in the land of the Chaldeans. Those who get hit are gonna be lying in the streets. No cap.
Israel and Judah ain’t been ghosted by their God, the LORD of hosts. Even though their turf was drowning in sin against the Holy One of Israel.
Yo, bounce outta Babylon and save yourselves. Don’t get caught up in all that wickedness ’cause God’s about to bring down the hammer. He’s gonna serve her up what she deserves, no cap.
Babylon was like this crazy lit cup the Lord was holding, getting the whole earth hyped. All the nations were vibing with her, but now they’re all shook.
OMG, Babylon just got wrecked and went down in flames! Start wailing and crying for her! Get some healing balm to try and ease her pain, hoping she might bounce back.
We gave Babylon a shot, but she’s too far gone. It’s time to dip and head back to our own turf because her punishment is out of this world, reaching all the way to the heavens.
OMG, God has totally made us righteous! Let’s all head to Zion and celebrate the amazing things God has done for us.
Polish those arrows and lock in those shields! The LORD has given the kings of the Medes the power to execute his plan against Babylon and bring it down. This is the LORD’s payback, the revenge for his holy sanctuary.
Yo, raise Babylon’s banners high and fortify the watchtowers. Prep those lookouts and set up those sneak attacks, because the LORD has meticulously planned and carried out what He promised against the people of Babylon.
Yo, you who are living large in the midst of plenty, swimming in crazy riches, your time’s up, and your greed has been accounted for.
Yo, the Almighty has promised straight up, like, swore by his own soul, that he’s gonna fill you up with so many people it’ll be like a swarm of caterpillars. They’re gonna raise their voices and shout loud against you.
Yo, God straight-up made the whole earth with his insane power. He set up the entire world with his massive brain and stretched out the sky with his deep understanding.
When he speaks, it’s like an epic sky concert, with water flowing everywhere. Dude makes clouds rise from every corner of the earth, and he’s the master of putting on those flashy lightning and rain combo shows. Plus, he brings out some fresh wind from his secret stash. So legit, man!
Yo, anyone acting like they got all the answers is clueless. Those who try to make idols end up looking dumb ’cause those statues they worship are straight-up fake and lifeless. It’s a total joke, seriously.
They’re just fake, like a big fail waiting to happen. When their time’s up, they’ll vanish in a flash, poof!
Jacob’s vibe is next level ’cause he’s the OG creator of everything. And Israel, they’re the chosen crew, the inheritance from the Most High, known as the LORD of hosts.
You’re my strength, loaded with all the gear for battle. Together, we’ll wreck nations and crush kingdoms. Trust in me, and we’ll score major victories together.
I’m gonna straight-up wreck those horses and their riders, and smash those chariots and their riders right by your side!
I’ll take down both guys and girls with you; I’ll take down the old and the young too, and I won’t hold back on the young dudes or the ladies.
I’ll bring down everyone with you, from the chill shepherd and his crew, to the hardworking farmer and his squad of oxen. Even the top-notch captains and rulers won’t be spared.
And I’m gonna serve up Babylon and all those Chaldean folks what they deserve for all the messed-up stuff they did in Zion, right before your eyes, says the LORD.
Yo, listen up, I’m laying it out straight, O wrecking mountain, says the LORD. You’re wreaking havoc all over, but I’ve got plans for you. I’m gonna stretch out my hand, knock you down from your lofty peak, and turn you into a burnt-out mountain.
And you won’t have a single stone left to build even a corner or a foundation. You’ll be abandoned forever, says the LORD.
Yo, hoist up a flag in that territory, sound the horn for all the nations, get ’em geared up to bring her down. Gather the kingdoms of Ararat, Minni, and Ashchenaz to join forces against her. Pick a leader to lead the charge against her, unleash the horses like a swarm of locusts.
Gather all the nations, including the Medes with their dope kings, their top captains, and all the heavy hitters, and seize control of her entire land.
The land’s gonna be rocked with sorrow ’cause God’s gonna carry out His plan against Babylon. He’s turning Babylon into an empty wasteland, deserted and abandoned.
The mighty warriors of Babylon chickened out and stayed holed up in their safe spaces. They lost their strength and became as weak as anyone. They set fire to her homes and broke down her defenses.
Word will spread fast, one message to another, and one DM to slide into another, to let the king of Babylon know his city has been completely taken down.
So, like, the roads are all blocked and they’ve torched the marshes with fire, and now the soldiers are freaking out.
Yo, check it fam! The Almighty Lord, God of Israel, has spoken: Babylon’s gonna face consequences. It’s like a threshing floor, ready to be stomped on. Just wait a bit longer, and bam! Judgment day is coming for Babylon.
OMG, King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon totally messed me up! He swallowed me like a beast and left me feeling hollow inside. It was like he gobbled up everything I cherished, only to spit me out in the end. 💔
Yo, Babylon is about to face the music, ’cause Zion’s squad is gonna straight-up call them out for all the harm they’ve caused. Jerusalem’s crew ain’t gonna let the people of Chaldea off the hook for shedding my blood, no cap.
So here’s what the LORD says: Pay attention, I’ve got you covered. I’ll fight on your behalf and take revenge on your enemies. I’ll even dry up her sea and make all her springs run dry.
And yo, Babylon is gonna be utterly wrecked! It’ll be deserted, like a spot where dragons roam. People will be shocked and disgusted. No one will live there anymore—it’s gonna be that messed up. 😮😬
They’re gonna roar like lions and cry out like lion cubs.
When they party it up, I’ll crank up the vibes so they can have a blast, get totally hyped, and then peacefully pass out into an endless sleep. They won’t even see it coming, says the LORD.
I’ll bring them down like innocent little lambs, like totally chill rams hanging with the cool goats.
OMG, Sheshach is totally wrecked! The whole world is shook by Babylon’s downfall! It’s mind-blowing how Babylon has become a laughingstock among all the nations!
Babylon’s getting totally overwhelmed right now, like huge waves crashing everywhere.
OMG, her cities are completely deserted, just a barren wasteland where no one lives or even comes close.
And I’m gonna lay the smackdown on Bel in Babylon, making him spit out everything he’s swallowed. After this, no nations will be worshiping him anymore. Babylon’s super cool wall? It’s gonna crumble big time.
Yo fam, get outta there and save yourselves from God’s righteous anger, you feel me?
But don’t trip and start freaking out because of all the rumors swirling around. Rumors come and go, causing chaos and conflict year after year, with leaders clashing. Don’t let it get to you!
Yo, listen up. The time’s coming when I’m gonna drop some serious justice on those carved idols in Babylon. The whole land will quake, and those who were slain will fall in the midst of it. #PunishmentIsComing
And the entire sky, earth, and everything in it will rejoice over Babylon, you know why? Because those who bring destruction will come from the north to mess with her, says the LORD.
Just as Babylon brought down the people of Israel, Babylon itself will face its own downfall. It’s not just Israel; all people on earth will be affected. It goes both ways, you know?
Yo, if you survived, don’t just hang around—bounce! Keep the LORD in your thoughts, even from afar, and focus on Jerusalem.
We’re feeling lost and embarrassed right now because of all this hate talk. We’re completely ashamed and can’t even show our faces because random people stormed into God’s holy places.
Yo, check it! The Most High says the days are coming when He’s gonna drop some serious justice on those statues people have been worshiping. And let me tell you, the whole land will feel the impact when the wounded start crying out.
Even if Babylon tries to flex hard and builds the ultimate stronghold, I’m still gonna bring in some heavy hitters, declares the LORD.
Yo, check it out! Babylon is straight-up panicking right now, and the Chaldeans are causing chaos and destruction. It’s a serious cry for help, man!
Yo, the Lord completely destroyed Babylon and silenced her arrogance. When her waves crash like massive waterfalls, her voice is drowned out in the chaos:
Yo, Babylon is getting wrecked hard. Their warriors got captured, their bows snapped. You know why? Because the LORD, the Almighty Boss of Payback, is gonna make them pay big time.
And I’m gonna bring down her top VIPs: her leaders, her power players, her rulers, and her fierce warriors. They’re gonna fall asleep forever, never to wake up again, says the King who’s known as the LORD of the mighty army.
Yo, check it out! Babylon’s massive walls are gonna crumble, and those fancy gates will go up in flames. People will hustle hard for nothing, and they’ll be worn out. It’s gonna be a rough time for them!
Yo, peep this! The prophet Jeremiah gave Seraiah, son of Neriah and grandson of Maaseiah, some game when he rolled with King Zedekiah of Judah to Babylon in his fourth year of ruling. Seraiah was a cool cat, like a low-key prince or something, holding it down for the chill folks. Oh, and he was also known as the main guy for managing the palace.
So Jeremiah was like, “Yeah, I’m gonna jot down all the bad stuff coming for Babylon, like all these words that totally throw shade at Babylon.”
Jeremiah was like, “Yo, Seraiah, when you get to Babylon, scope out the scene and read these words, fam.”
Yo, Lord, You’ve spoken against this place, saying it’s gonna be completely wiped out—no one left, not even animals. It’s gonna be deserted for real, like forever.
And when you finish reading this scroll, tie a stone to it and toss it into the middle of the Euphrates River, you know?
And you’ll be like, “Yo, Babylon’s gonna sink for real, like there’s no coming back from the stuff I’m about to unleash on them. They’ll be totally wiped out.” That’s all from Jeremiah.

Jeremiah 52

Zedekiah was like 21 when he started his gig as king, and he held it down for 11 years in Jerusalem. His mom, Hamutal, was Jeremiah’s daughter from Libnah.
But yo, he totally messed up in the eyes of the LORD, just like Jehoiakim did.
So, because the LORD was seriously ticked off, some serious drama went down in Jerusalem and Judah. He straight up cast them out from his presence. And get this—Zedekiah had the audacity to rebel against the king of Babylon.
So, like, in the ninth year of his reign, specifically in the tenth month on the tenth day, Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon, rolled up with his whole crew. They set up camp around Jerusalem, building forts and all that.
So, the city was totally under attack for, like, forever, until it hit the eleventh year of King Zedekiah’s rule.
And then, like, in the fourth month, on the ninth day, a serious famine hit the city. It was, like, super bad—people couldn’t find any bread to eat anywhere in the land.
Okay, check it out—when the city got hit hard, all the warriors slipped out in the dark through the gate between those two walls near the king’s garden. Just so you know, the Chaldeans had the city surrounded, but the warriors made their move through the plain.
But then the Chaldeans went full pursuit after the king and caught up with Zedekiah in the plains of Jericho. And his whole squad straight up scattered and left him hanging.
So, they grabbed the king and took him to the king of Babylon in Riblah, in the land of Hamath, where he was judged.
And the king of Babylon straight up executed Zedekiah’s sons right in front of him. He also executed all the important leaders of Judah in Riblah.
After that, Zedekiah had his eyes blinded; the king of Babylon captured him, put him in chains, and sent him to Babylon where he remained imprisoned until he died.
So, in the fifth month on the tenth day, during the nineteenth year of King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon, Nebuzaradan, the captain of the guard who was fiercely loyal to the king, arrived in Jerusalem. Yeah, he was basically in charge of all the executioners and stuff.
And he completely burned down the temple of the LORD, the king’s palace, and all the houses in Jerusalem, including the homes of the important people. He just set everything on fire.
And the whole crew of Chaldeans, with their leader in charge, completely wrecked all the walls around Jerusalem.
So this guy Nebuzaradan, who was like the top dog among the guards, rounded up some of the poor folks left in the city, as well as those who surrendered and switched sides to support the king of Babylon, along with everyone else.
So Nebuzaradan, the captain of the guard, he was cool about it and left some of the poor people in the land to work as vineyard workers and farmers and stuff.
And the rad brass pillars in the house of the LORD, along with the bases and the epic brass sea—yeah, the Chaldeans totally wrecked them and hauled all that brass back to Babylon.
They also took the dope kitchen tools, the cleaning scoops, the fancy lighters, the classy bowls, the stylish spoons, and all the brass utensils they used for their sacred duties. (Note: shovels could also mean tools to sweep away the ashes, and bowls could also mean fancy basin sinks.)
The captain of the guard grabbed the gold and silver basins, firepans, bowls, cauldrons, candlesticks, spoons, and cups. He took everything that was made of gold and silver.
So there were these two massive pillars, this giant ocean-like basin, and twelve bronze bulls that King Solomon had made for the house of the LORD. Crazy, right? The weight of all that brass was seriously heavy!
So, these pillars were insanely tall, okay? One pillar was about eighteen cubits high, and it had this really cool decorative thing that wrapped around it, about twelve cubits long. Oh, and the pillar was like four fingers thick with a hollow inside. Pretty amazing, huh? #architecture
There was this awesome bronze capital on top of each pillar, each one five cubits high. They had these really cool bronze decorations like nets and pomegranates all around. The second pillar and its pomegranate decorations were just as cool as the first one.
And get this—there were like, 96 pomegranates on each side, you know? And all the pomegranates on the fancy net thing totaled up to a hundred, like, all around.
Then the captain of the guard seized Seraiah, the high priest, along with Zephaniah, the second priest, and the three doorkeepers (where “door” means the threshold in Hebrew).
He also took a eunuch who commanded the soldiers in the city, along with seven royal advisors who were close to the king and were found in the city. Additionally, he arrested the officer who oversaw the army’s recruitment efforts and sixty other men from the city.
Then Nebuzaradan, the chief of the guard, rounded them up and took them all the way to the king of Babylon in Riblah.
So, the king of Babylon completely dealt with them and executed them in Riblah, a place in the land of Hamath. And because of this, Judah was taken away as captives from their own land, you know?
So, Nebuchadnezzar took three thousand Jews captive, and in another year, he took twenty-three more, you know?
In the 18th year of Nebuchadnezzar’s reign, he captured about 832 people from Jerusalem.
In the 23rd year of Nebuchadnezzar, Nebuzaradan, the captain of the guard, took 745 Jews as captives. In total, they took away 4,600 people.
So, after Jehoiachin, the king of Judah, had been in captivity for 37 years, on the 25th day of the twelfth month, Evilmerodach, who had just become king of Babylon, chose to release Jehoiachin from prison.
And he treated him really well, making him top dog among all the other kings in Babylon, you know? +1 for being awesome…
He traded his prison clothes for fresh threads and always kept snacks on hand, munching on bread all the time.
And when it came to meals, the king of Babylon made sure he had a daily portion for his whole life, right up until he passed away. It was a steady supply that never ran out.