Genesis - Gen Z Bible

Genesis 1

So, like, at the very beginning, God was all about making the sky and the earth.
And, fam, the earth was just chaos, no structure or anything, just darkness everywhere. But then, God’s Spirit started vibing over the oceans.
Then God was like, ‘Let there be light,’ and bam, there was light.
And God was like, ‘This light is fire!’ So, God split the light from the darkness, making sure they don’t mix, you know?
So, like, God called the light Day and the darkness Night. And that whole cycle of evening and morning? That was day one, just to be clear.
And God was like, ‘Let’s have this lit layer between the water, separating it from more water.’ And He called it the ‘sky.’
Then God created this mega cool, massive sky thing, and He split up the water below it from the water above it. And guess what? It totally happened, just like that!
So God named the sky Heaven. And it became day two after the evening and morning passed.
And God was like, ‘Let’s bring all the water together in one place and make some solid ground,’ and boom, it happened.
And God was like, ‘Let’s call that solid ground Earth,’ and the whole watery part? Seas. And you know what? God thought it was all pretty lit.
And God was all like, ‘Yo, let the earth sprout some sick grass, dope herbs with seeds, and lit fruit trees.’ And guess what? Boom! It happened, just like that.
And then, like, the earth totally grew some awesome grass and plants with seeds of their own. Oh, and those cool trees? They grew yummy fruits with seeds too! And God was like, ‘Yo, that’s super good!’
So, like, day three ended and a new day began. It’s like, the evening turned into morning. Just to clarify, when I say ‘evening’ I mean the start of the day and when I say ‘morning’ I mean the end of the day, you feel me?
And God was like, ‘Yo, we need some lights up in the sky to separate the day from the night, to mark seasons, days, and years.’ #balance
And, like, God made these things called stars and stuff in the sky to give light to the earth. And, bro, it totally happened. No lie.
And God created two awesome sources of light: one super bright light for the day, and another not-so-bright light for the night. Oh, and He also made all those cool stars! #dayandnightvibes
Yo, God placed those celestial bodies up in the sky to light up the earth.
And like, to have power over the day and the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God was like, ‘Yo, that’s lit!’
And then there was the fourth day, with its evening and morning. You know, like when the sun sets and then rises again. Pretty cool, right?
And God was like, ‘Yo, it’s time for the waters to be filled with all sorts of dope creatures that have life, and birds that can soar high up in the sky.’ #creaturesgalore
And yo, God made these dope whales and every living creature that pops out of the waters in mad numbers, each one according to its kind, and all them flying birds according to their kind too. And God saw that it was all good, ya heard?
And God was like, ‘Yo fam, I got you! Blessing all of y’all, go forth and prosper, make yourselves fruitful and multiply like crazy, dominate the oceans with all kinds of fish, and let the birds go wild and multiply all over the land.’
And like, the evening and the morning vibes were totally on point, it was the lit fifth day.
And God was like, ‘Yo, earth! Time to bring out the living creatures, like, each one according to their own kind: cattle, creepy crawlies, and all the beasts of the land.’ And guess what? It totally happened, just like that.
And God created all the animals on the earth, totally each according to its own kind, you know? The wild beasts, the farm animals, and even all the creeping things, all unique and special in their own way. And when God looked at everything He made, He was like, ‘That’s good, man!’
Yo, God was like, ‘Check it, let’s make humans look and act like us, and let them be in charge of the fish in the ocean, the birds in the sky, all the animals on land, and everything that crawls on the ground.’
God was like, ‘Yo, I’m gonna make humans just like me, you know? So he made them in his image. And get this, he made them both male and female. Double the awesomeness!
And God straight up blessed them, and He was all like, ‘Yo, be productive and reproduce like crazy, and fill up the earth with your peeps. Oh, and you got the power to control the fish in the sea, birds in the sky, and basically any living thing that’s roaming around. You got this!’
Yo, peep this: God’s like, ‘Check it, I hooked you up with all the plants that have seeds on the planet, and every tree with fruit that has seeds too. You can eat ’em all, they’re your grub. For real!
And I made sure that all the animals on the earth, birds in the sky, and every living creature that crawls on the ground had plenty of green plants to eat. They all depended on it for survival, and that’s exactly what happened.
And God looked at everything he created, and wow, it was totally awesome! And then the day turned into night and then back to morning, completing the sixth day.”

Genesis 2

So, like, the sky and the earth were totally finished being created, along with everything living in them, you know?
And after finishing his epic creation, God was just like, ‘Yo, I’m done.’ So on the seventh day, he decided it was time to chill and take a break from all the hard work he put in.
And God was like, ‘Yo, the seventh day is lit af!’ He blessed it and made it holy because He finally took a break from all the work He did in creating and making everything.
So, like, this is, like, the story of how the sky and the earth were made, ya know? It all went down way back when the LORD God made everything, like the earth and the heavens.
And before all the plants and herbs of the field could grow, before they even existed, God hadn’t made it rain on the earth and there weren’t any humans to take care of the land.
Then a mist rose from the earth and watered the entire surface of the ground.
God created the first person by shaping them from the dirt and breathing life into their nose. That’s how they became a living being.
So, like, God created this super rad garden in Eden and placed the dude He had made right there, to the east.
Then God, like, totally grew all these awesome trees from the ground that are, like, super pleasing to look at and great for munching on. There was even this one tree called the tree of life right in the middle of the garden, and another one called the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
So, like, there was this totally rad river flowing out of Eden to water the garden. And then, it, like, split into four different streams, covering the whole place.
The first spot is called Pison, and it’s the area all around Havilah. You know, that place where they find lots of gold.
The gold over there is legit amazing: they’ve got bdellium and onyx stones too.
The second river is called Gihon—it’s the one that flows all around the land of Ethiopia. (Ethiopia is also known as Cush, by the way.)
The third river is called Hiddekel, and it flows towards the east of Assyria. The fourth river is the Euphrates.
Then God, yo, took the homie and dropped him in the Garden of Eden to work on that greenery and keep it in check. The homie being Adam, you know what I’m saying?
So, like, God was straight up telling the dude, ‘Yo, you can totally munch on any tree in the garden, like for real, go ahead and feast on all of it!’
Yo, don’t mess with that tree that’s all about knowing good and evil. If you go ahead and eat from it, trust me, you’re gonna be in major trouble. Like, you’ll literally be doomed to die on the day you take a bite.
Yo, the LORD God was like, it’s not cool for this dude to be all by himself. I got his back though, I’m gonna create a perfect partner for him.
So, like, God created all the animals on the earth and in the sky, yo. And then He took them to Adam to see what he would name them, you know? And whatever names Adam gave them, that was their official name, man. (Adam could also mean the man, just saying.)
So, Adam was like, naming all the animals, the birds, and every wild creature out there. But, he couldn’t find a suitable companion for himself.
So, God made Adam super tired and he fell into a really deep sleep. While he was snoozing, God took out one of his ribs and patched up the spot with flesh.
Then God took one of Adam’s ribs and used it to create a woman, whom He brought to Adam.
Adam was like, ‘Yo, this girl is straight-up a part of me. She’s made from my own bones and flesh, so let’s call her Woman, ’cause she came from Man.’ (In Hebrew, Woman is Isha, and Man is Ish.)
So basically, when a dude grows up, he’s gonna bounce from his parents and hang tight with his wifey. And let me tell you, they gonna be super connected, like they a single unit.
So like, the man and his wife were totally without clothes, and they were cool with it, no shame or anything.

Genesis 3

Alright, peeps, check it. So, there’s this sneaky snake, right? It’s like the ultimate sly creature God made. And it slides up to the woman like, ‘Yo, did God seriously say you can’t munch on any tree in this garden? For real?’
And the woman’s like, ‘Listen up, Mr. Snake, we can feast on any fruit from these dope trees in the garden! ’
But yo, there’s this one tree, and God’s like, ‘Hands off, don’t even touch it, or you’re toast.’
And the serpent’s like, ‘Nah, girl, you ain’t gonna kick the bucket for real.’
God knows that once you taste it, you’ll see things differently, like you’ll know what’s up with good and evil, feeling all enlightened, like gods.
So, the woman peeps the tree, sees it’s got some bomb food, and looks rad. Plus, she’s thinking it’ll make her wise. She can’t resist, takes a bite, and shares it with her guy. And guess what? He bites too.
Suddenly, they’re both like, ‘Whoa, we’re naked!’ So they quickly sew together some fig leaves for cover.
They hear God cruising through the garden, chilling in the afternoon breeze. And Adam and his girl are like, ‘OMG, we gotta ghost from the Almighty!’ So they ninja vanish among the trees. BTW, ‘cool’ in Hebrew means ‘wind’. No biggie.
God’s like, ‘Adam, bro, where you at?’
And he’s like, ‘Yo, I heard you in the garden and freaked ’cause I realized I was starkers, so I bounced.’
God’s like, ‘Who told you that? Did you eat from the tree I told you to back off from?’
And he’s like, ‘God, it’s not my fault! That chick you gave me, she made me do it!’
So, God’s like, ‘Girl, what’s up with that?’ And she’s like, ‘The snake tricked me, I couldn’t help it, I took a bite.’
God’s like, ‘Yo, serpent! You’re cursed more than any other creature. You’re crawling on your belly and munching dirt forever.’
‘I’m making things tense between you and the woman, and your crew and hers; someone’s gonna get hurt, but you’ll bite back too.’
To the woman, He says, ‘You’ll have a tough time birthing and raising kids, it’s gonna be a hustle. Your love and loyalty will be to your man, he’ll be running the show.’
God’s like, ‘Adam, bro, ’cause you listened to your girl and ate from that tree I warned you about, the ground’s cursed now. You’ll grind hard for food, facing pain and struggle till you die.’
‘Growing stuff’s gonna suck, thorns and thistles everywhere. And gourmet meals? Forget it, you’re munching plain grass. ’
‘You’ll grind to put food on the table till you’re dust again. ‘Cause hey, dust we came from, dust we go.’
Adam names his girl Eve, ’cause she’s the mother of all living.
Then God hooks them up with some fresh animal skin threads.
God’s like, ‘Yo, man’s leveled up, knows what’s what. But hold up, if he grabs some of that tree of life and chows, he’ll live forever. Can’t have that.’
So, God’s like ‘peace’ and kicks him out of Eden to go farm, where he came from.
And He posts these angelic bouncers with flaming swords at the east gate, guarding the way to the tree of eternal life.

Genesis 4

Adam and Eve hooked up, and she ended up preggers, popping out a dude named Cain. She was like, “I got this one, with a little help from upstairs.” (Cain means “gotten” or “acquired.”)
Then came another boy, Abel. Abel was all about sheep, while Cain was the farming type. (Abel means “breath” in Hebrew. “A keeper” means “a feeder” in Hebrew.)
Cain decided it was time to show some love to the big man upstairs. He brought some fruits from his farming gig as an offering.
Abel came through with some A-grade sheep and prime fat from his flock. God was vibing hard with Abel’s offering.
But God wasn’t feeling Cain’s vibe or his offering. That got Cain all heated and in his feels.
God was like, “Dude, why you gotta be so mad? What’s with the long face?”
Yo, if you’re doing things right, you’ll get props. But if not, sin’s lurking, ready to trip you up. You’ve got the power to handle it, though. #Respect
So, Cain and Abel were just chilling in the field, having a chat. Then outta nowhere, Cain straight up attacked and unfortunately, took out Abel.
God was like, “Cain, where’s your bro Abel?” Cain was all, “IDK man, am I his babysitter?”
God was like, “Bro, what have you done? Your bro’s blood is screaming at me from the ground. It’s intense. #bloods
Now the earth’s not vibing with you anymore. It’s soaked up your bro’s blood after your major screw-up.
The land won’t yield for you anymore. You’ll be a wanderer, forever on the move.
Cain was like, “God, this punishment’s too much. I can’t handle it. My mistakes are too heavy.””
Yo, today you’ve kicked me out, so I can’t be near you anymore. I’ll be a wanderer, and anyone who sees me will wanna take me out.
God was like, “If anyone takes out Cain, they’re getting seven times the pain.” So God put a mark on Cain to keep him safe.
Cain bounced and settled in a place called Nod, east of Eden.
Cain got with his wife, and they had a son named Enoch. Cain built a city and named it after his son.
Enoch had a son named Irad, who had a son named Mehujael, who had a son named Methusael, who was the dad of Lamech. (Lamech is Lemech in Hebrew.)
Lamech was all about that polygamy life – Adah and Zillah were his wives.
Adah had Jabal, the OG tent-dweller and cattle raiser.
Jubal, his bro, was all about those sick tunes, starting the harp and organ trend.
Zillah had Tubalcain, the metalworker extraordinaire. Tubalcain’s sis was Naamah. (Whetter means tool sharpener.)
Lamech was like, “Listen up, Adah and Zillah, my awesome wives! I messed up by killing a dude, and it’s messing with me bad.”
If Cain gets seven times the heat, imagine what’ll go down for anyone messing with Lamech. He’s bringing it seventy-seven times harder.
Adam and Eve got busy again, popping out a son named Seth. She was like, “Godd hooked us up with another kid to replace Abel, who Cain offed.” (Seth means “appointed” or “put” in Hebrew.)
Seth had a son named Enos, which means human. That’s when people started getting spiritual and seeking God’s guidance.

Genesis 5

Yo, let me drop some ancient truth on you about Adam and his squad. When the big man upstairs created humans, He made ’em to reflect His vibe, you feel me?
God made them dudes and dudettes, and gave them His stamp of approval. He dubbed them Adam when He cooked ’em up.
Adam hit the ripe age of 130 and spawned a mini-me, Seth, who was his spitting image, yo.
After Seth popped out, Adam rocked it for a massive 800 years, and had a bunch of kids, no cap!
So, Adam chilled for a solid 930 years before peacing out. Dude lived long, but hey, everyone’s got an expiration date.
And Seth clocked in at 105 years old and became a dad to Enos (which means Enosh in Hebrew, just so you know).
Seth kept it going strong, living it up for another 807 years post-Enos, and had a crew of kids along the way.
Seth held it down for a solid 912 years before calling it quits.
Enos hit the scene for a solid ninety and then became a proud pops to Cainan, or Kenan if you prefer.
Enos rocked it for another 815 years after Cainan was born, and added more offspring to the mix, you dig?
Enos was in the game for a cool 905 years before bowing out.
Cainan kicked it for about seventy years and then dropped a bomb named Mahalaleel. (P.S. They call him Maleleel in Greek sometimes.)
And Cainan stayed in the mix for a hefty 840 more years after Mahalaleel showed up, and had a squad of kids to boot.
Cainan rolled for a solid 910 years before punching out.
Mahalaleel held it down for 65 years and became the OG of Jared.
Mahalaleel went on for another 830 years post-Jared, spreading his genes far and wide.
Mahalaleel rocked it for 895 years before clocking out.
So Jared was in the game for 162 years before popping out Enoch:
And Jared kept the party going for a slick 800 years after Enoch’s arrival, and had a gang of kids too.
Jared held it down for a smooth 962 years before signing off.
Enoch did his thing for 65 years before welcoming Methuselah (btw, they call him Mathusala in Greek).
Enoch was all about that deep connection with the Man Upstairs, vibing for a solid three hundred years after Methuselah came into the picture. Oh, and he kept the family growing, too!
Enoch chilled for a total of 365 years.
And Enoch and God? Tighter than Kanye and his ego. Then one day, poof, he vanished. God just straight up called him home.
Methuselah cruised for 187 years before dropping Lamech:
And Methuselah kept the party going for a crazy 782 years after Lamech’s debut, adding more kiddos to the mix.
Methuselah held it down for a whopping 969 years before checking out.
Lamech rolled for 182 years before becoming a dad and welcoming a son.
He named him Noah, which means ‘chill’ or ‘kickback’ in Greek, saying, ‘This kid’s gonna be the game-changer, taking the edge off all this grind we’re dealing with, thanks to the whole cursed ground gig.’
Lamech kept it going for a solid 595 years after Noah’s arrival, popping out more kids along the way. Talk about a blessed marathon!
Lamech clocked out after an epic 777 years of living it up.
Noah was like, a whopping 500 years old when he became a pops to Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Crazy, right?!”

Genesis 6

So, like, there were more and more people poppin’ up on this planet, and these dudes started having daughters, you feel me?
So, like, the heavenly crew noticed how stunning the human gals were, and they decided to marry them, whoever they fancied.
And God was like, “I can’t deal with humans forever, ’cause they’re just so human, you know? But I’ll give them, like, 120 years to sort themselves out.”
Back then, there were some seriously huge humans on the earth. And even later, when these god-like beings hooked up with mortal ladies and had kids with them, those kids turned out to be super powerful and well-known.
And OMG, God looked down on Earth and was like, “Yo, humans are straight up wicked AF. Like, literally everything they think about is evil, without a break. And I mean, not just their thoughts, but also their desires and plans.” And this isn’t just a one-time thing, it’s like an everyday thing.
God was so bummed and regretted creating humans on earth. It really broke His heart.
And God was like, “Yo, I’m pretty bummed out about creating humans and animals and stuff. I think I’m gonna wipe them all out from the face of the earth.”
But Noah was totally favored by the LORD.
This is the story of Noah’s fam: Noah was a righteous dude who kept it real, not just for himself, but for his peeps too. He had a tight connection with God, always keeping it on point. (Just so you know, ‘perfect’ here means upright, not flawless, ya know?)
And Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. They were the real OGs of Noah’s fam.
Yo, the earth was totally messed up in God’s eyes, like for real. It was all kinds of messed up and violence was everywhere.
And God checked out the earth, and like, woah, it was messed up; ’cause everyone had messed up their way of living on the earth.
God told Noah, “I’m seeing how messed up everything has become, with all the violence happening. It’s too much. I’m gonna wipe them all out, along with the whole earth.”
Okay, so here’s the deal: build yourself a really cool ark out of gopher wood. And get this, you gotta make some rooms inside the ark, comfy ones! Now, here comes the important part – you gotta totally seal that bad boy inside and out with some pitch. You know, that sticky stuff. Oh, and by the way, when it says ‘rooms,’ it actually means ‘nests’ in Hebrew. Just a fun fact for ya!
And here’s the deal for building that ark: It’s gonna be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits tall, just like that.
Yo, make a window on the ark, and make it like a cubit above; and place the door of the ark on its side. And you gotta build it with three levels: lower, second, and third.
Yo, listen up! I’m about to bring down a massive flood on the whole earth. It’s gonna wipe out all living creatures that have the breath of life in ’em, everything on this planet is gonna die.
But I’m gonna make a deal with you, and you and your squad will hop on the ark – you, your sons, your wifey, and your sons’ baes. We’re in this together fam!
And you gotta bring two of every different kind of living thing into the ark, so they can stay alive with you. They gotta be a guy and a girl.
Yo, you’re gonna have all kinds of birds, animals, and creepy crawlies pullin’ up, representing their own kind. They’re comin’ in pairs, man, to make sure they stay alive and kickin’.
Yo, grab some of every kind of food that people eat and stash it, it’s gonna be your food and their food too.
Noah totally came through, doing everything God told him to do, no questions asked. He was totally on point!

Genesis 7

And God was like, ‘Hey Noah, it’s time to gather up your whole squad and hop into this ark. You’ve been staying true to me and keeping it righteous while everyone else is losing their vibe.
Yo, you gotta round up seven of each clean animal, the dude and his girl. And for the unclean animals, just bring two, the dude and his girl. (Oh, and when it says ‘by sevens’ in Hebrew, it’s like ‘seven seven’, you dig?)
So, like, God was all, ‘Hey, birds in the sky, come through, two of each gender, but also seven pairs, you know, to keep the bird fam thriving across the whole earth, feel me? Oh, and ‘seven seven’ in Hebrew? It’s like ‘a bunch, a bunch’.’
Listen up peeps, in just a week, I’m gonna make it rain for 40 days straight. And lemme tell ya, everything I’ve made? It’s all gonna be washed away, deleted, gone from this earth. No more, vanished. #wipeout
So Noah straight up did what the LORD told him, no questions asked.
Noah was, like, a whopping six hundred years old when the big flood hit and drenched the entire earth. Can you even believe it?
So Noah and his crew, including his wifey and his sons’ partners, all boarded the ark to dodge the massive flood.
All sorts of animals, whether they’re considered clean or not, birds, and every living thing that creeps on the ground,
Then two by two, guys and gals, stepped into the ark to chill with Noah, just like how God told him.
So, like, after a whole week, boom – the floodwater came crashing down.
When Noah hit six hundred, in the second month, on the seventeenth day, something epic went down. The deep burst open, and heaven’s gates swung wide. Talk about a sight!
So, like, it poured nonstop for a full forty days and nights.
On that day, Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth—Noah’s sons—along with Noah’s wifey and his sons’ spouses, all boarded the ark together.
So, like, all the critters and stuff, each to its own kind, all the cattle, every type of creepy crawler on the earth, and all the birds, like, every kind of bird, you know, with all their different wings and stuff. #variety
And all the critters entered the ark, two by two, to roll with Noah. This included every living thing, with the breath of life within them.
And all the different critters, with both dudes and chicks, boarded the ark just like God told Noah. Then the LORD sealed the door behind them.
So, like, the flood went on for a solid 40 days, you know? And the water kept rising, lifting the ark above the land and stuff.
Then the water rose and rose, covering the whole earth. The ark floated on the water’s surface.
So, like, the water totally took over, and even the tallest hills were submerged.
The water rose fifteen cubits above, and even the mountains got covered.
And, like, every living thing, from birds to bugs to humans, they all perished. No joke.
Every living creature on land, with the breath of life, died. They were all gone, from animals to humans, as their spirit left their bodies.
So, like, everything on earth got wiped out—every living thing, humans and animals and the little crawlers and birds in the sky—all gone. Poof! Except for Noah and his squad on the ark, they were the only ones left kicking it, dude.
And the water took over for a hundred and fifty days straight. It was wild, man.”

Genesis 8

So, God was like, ‘Oh yeah, Noah and all the animals in the ark, I got you!’ So God sent this chill breeze across the earth, and the flood waters chilled out.
The big water sources and the sky’s openings got closed, and the rain from above stopped.
And the waters were just doing their thing, going back and forth on the earth. And after, like, a hundred and fifty days, the waters started calming down.
And the ark finally stopped in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day, up on the mountains of Ararat.
And the water kept on going down until the tenth month. Then, on the first day of that month, the mountaintops started peeking out.
So, after about 40 days, Noah was like, ‘Yo, let’s pop open this window on the ark he built.’
Then he let a raven out, which flew back and forth until the waters dried up from the earth.
So he let a dove go to see if the water had gone down from the ground.
But the dove couldn’t find a chill spot for her foot, so she went back to the ark. The whole earth was flooded, you know. Then, dude stretched out his hand, like totally reached out and brought her back into the ark. He made her come, ya know?
And after waiting another whole week, he sent the dove out of the ark once more.
Then, like, this dove flew back to Noah in the evening, and, whoa, in its mouth was a fresh olive leaf that it had picked! That’s when Noah realized that the floodwaters had finally gone down.
Then he waited for another week and let the dove go; but this time, it didn’t come back to him at all.
So, like, after six hundred and one years, in the first month and on the first day of the month, the waters like totally dried up from the earth. Then Noah uncovered the ark and peeped outside and, yo, the ground was all dry and stuff!
So, like, in the second month, on the 27th day, the earth finally dried up.
So basically, God started talking to Noah, like,
Alright, time to leave the ark! You, your spouse, your kids, and your kids’ partners, come out with you.
Yo, take all the living creatures that are with you – every type of animal, bird, and crawling thing on the earth. Let them all come out and thrive, multiply and fill up the earth with their offspring.
So like, Noah and his fam – his sons, his wife, and his sons’ wives – they all bounced together:
Every animal, every creature that crawls, and every bird, and whatever creeps upon the earth, according to their various species, came out of the ark.
So Noah made an altar for the LORD and brought some clean animals and clean birds to offer as burnt offerings on the altar.
God thought the smell was nice and said to himself, ‘I won’t curse the ground anymore because of people, even though they have evil thoughts from a young age. And I won’t destroy all living things like I did before.’
As long as the earth’s still kickin’, we’ll keep havin’ those times to plant and harvest crops, experience both chilly and hot weather, go through summer and winter, and have day and night. It’s not gonna stop anytime soon, trust me.

Genesis 9

God was like, ‘Yo, Noah and his sons, you’re totally blessed! I want you to like, go out there and do your thing, make lots of babies and spread out all over the earth.’
Every animal, bird, creature, and fish will look up to you with respect and a little bit of awe. They all know that you have dominion over them. It’s like you have this cool superpower that lets you take charge of the whole animal kingdom!
You can chow down on any living creature, just like how I’ve given you the green herb to enjoy.
Don’t munch on any meat that still has its life force, aka its blood.
Yo, I gotta make this clear: if someone takes a life – human or animal – I’m holding them accountable for it. Like, seriously, everyone’s responsible for their own actions. No one can just go around harming others without facing the consequences.
If anyone takes a human’s life, their own life should be taken, because every person is created in God’s image.
Yo, go ahead and be productive, like, really go for it, and increase in numbers; bring forth plenty in the Earth and expand your influence there.
So, like, God started talking to Noah and his sons, and He was like,
And yo, check it, I’m making a solid pact with you and your future fam, no cap.
And also, don’t forget about every living thing that’s rollin’ with you on this ride – birds, cows, and all the animals on land. From the ones who walked out of the ark to every beast out there, we got ’em covered.
And yo, I’mma make a solid deal with you, fam. No more total wipeout for all living beings by a flood, nah. Earth won’t get destroyed by that again, swear.
God was like, ‘Yo, listen up! This is how you’ll know that I made a deal with you and every living thing around you, for like, forever and ever:
So, like, check it out, I’m putting my rad bow up in the sky, and it’s gonna be this awesome sign that represents the super amazing agreement I made with the whole earth.
Yo, listen up! So, here’s the deal: when I make a cloud cover the whole earth, you’re gonna spot this awesome rainbow in that cloud, no cap!
And I’ll totally remember the promise I made to you and every living creature on this planet. Like, I promise there won’t be another massive flood that wipes out all the living beings.
And there will be a rainbow in the sky; and I’ll check it out to remember the never-ending promise between God and all the living creatures on earth.
And God was like, ‘Yo Noah, this is the sign of the deal I made with all living creatures on earth.’”
So, after Noah and his family hopped off the ark, his sons were named Shem, Ham, and Japheth. And you know what? Ham became the dad of Canaan. (Just so you know, Canaan is also called Chenaan in Hebrew).”
So basically, Noah had three sons, and from them, the whole earth got filled up.
Noah started being into farming and decided to plant some vineyard:
And he, like, drank some wine and got wasted, and ended up not wearing clothes in his tent.
So Ham, Canaan’s dad, accidentally saw his dad naked and told his two brothers about it.
So Shem and Japheth grabbed a cool hoodie, put it on together, and walked backward to cover their dad’s exposed self. They made sure not to look so that their eyes wouldn’t catch a glimpse.
And Noah woke up from his wine and realized what his younger son had done to him.
And he was like, Canaan is totally cursed, dude. He’s gonna be, like, the ultimate servant to his brothers, man.
And he was like, yo, the LORD God of Shem is straight up blessed, and Canaan is gonna be his servant and everything. Canaan’s gonna serve them real good, you feel me?
God’s gonna hook Japheth up, and he’ll be kickin’ it in Shem’s crib. Canaan gonna be workin’ for him.
And Noah kept on living for another 350 years after the big flood. Can you believe it?
And yo, Noah lived for a straight 950 years, and then he bounced from this earthly realm.”

Genesis 10

Okay, peeps, let’s talk about Noah’s squad – Shem, Ham, and Japheth. After the epic flood, they started a whole new fam.
Japheth’s crew included Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras.
Gomer’s kids were Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah.
Javan had some cool sons like Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. (Some say Rodanim, but don’t trip.)
Back in the day, different tribes had their turf, language, and fam vibes, repping their nations.
Ham had four sons: Cush, Mizraim, Phut, and Canaan.
Cush had Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabtecha. Raamah’s kids were Sheba and Dedan.
Cush’s son Nimrod was a legend, even impressing the LORD Himself as a top hunter.
Nimrod was the ultimate hunter, even in the LORD’s eyes, legit.
His kingdom started with Babel, Erech, Accad, and Calneh in Shinar (that’s Babylon, fam).
Asshur dipped and built cities like Nineveh, Rehoboth, and Calah in Assyria. Big cities buzzing with life!
Resen, between Nineveh and Calah, was the spot to be!
Mizraim had Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, and Naphtuhim.
Pathrusim, Casluhim (Philistines came from them), and Caphtorim were there too.
Canaan’s oldest, Sidon, and Heth were his kids.
Jebusites, Amorites, and Girgasites, yo.
Hivite, Arkite, and Sinite in the mix too.
Arvadite, Zemarite, Hamathite, and Canaanites spread wide.
Canaanites owned it from Sidon to Gerar and Gaza, hitting up Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboim, and Lasha. (Gaza’s Azzah in Hebrew.)
Ham’s kids were diverse, with their own languages, cultures, and turf.
Now, Shem, the big bro of Japheth, had his own fam too.
Elam, Asshur, Arphaxad, Lud, and Aram were Shem’s crew. (Arphaxad’s also Arpachshad.)
Aram’s fam had Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash.
Arphaxad’s son Salah had Eber. (Salah’s Shelah in Hebrew.)
“Eber’s boys: Peleg, ’cause the earth split during his time, and Joktan. Peleg means ‘division.’”
Joktan’s sons: Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, and Jerah.
Plus Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, you feel?
Obal, Abimael, Sheba,
Ophir, Havilah, Jobab, Joktan’s crew.
They chilled from Mesha to Sephar in the east.
So, these are Shem’s fam, repping different tribes and languages worldwide.
That’s the deal with Noah’s fam generations later, spread out into different nations after the flood, thanks to them.”

Genesis 11

Back in the day, everybody was vibin’ on the same wavelength, talking the same talk, you know? They were all about that unity. (They called it ‘lip’ and ‘words’ in Hebrew, FYI.)
So, they were on a journey, cruising from the east, and they stumbled upon this rad spot in Shinar, thinking, “Hey, let’s set up camp here, it’s lit.”
And they’re like, “Yo, let’s whip up some bricks, toast ’em up nice and crispy. Swap out stone for brick, and use slime as glue, you dig?”
They’re all hyped, saying, “Let’s build a sick city with a tower that reaches the clouds, man! We’ll be famous, and no one can stop us from spreading out all over!”
God’s like, “Hold up, gotta peep what these folks are up to with this city and tower gig.”
And God’s like, “Check it, these peeps are tight, all speaking the same lingo, and hustling together. Ain’t nothing they can’t do if they keep this up.”
So, God’s like, “Time to mix it up, make their tongues all twisted so they can’t understand each other.”
Then God scatters them all over, like, everywhere, you feel? And they ditched the construction project.
So, they call it Babel ’cause God flipped the script on their language, and then spread them all over.
This is the story of Shem: Dude was already a century deep when he became a dad, welcoming Arphaxad just two years post-flood.
Shem clocks in a solid 500 years after becoming a dad, expanding his fam with more kids. Impressive hustle, right?
Arphaxad’s about 35 when he becomes a dad to Salah:
Arphaxad keeps on keeping on for 403 years post-Salah, with a bunch more kids in the mix.
Salah’s about thirty when he becomes a dad to Eber:
After Eber pops out, Salah clocks another 403 years, raising a crew of kids.
Then Eber’s chilling for 34, and bam, he’s a dad to Peleg (aka Phalec in Greek).
Eber kicks it for a cool 430 after Peleg, adding more kids to the mix. Family tree’s branching out, yo!
Peleg’s just vibing for 30 before becoming a dad to Reu.
Post-Reu, Peleg’s still going strong for 209 more years, with more kiddos joining the crew.
Reu’s around 32 when he becomes the proud parent of Serug, aka Saruch in Greek.
Reu’s still in the game for a solid 207 after Serug, expanding the fam squad.
Serug’s living his best life for thirty, then becomes the proud parent of Nahor:
After Nahor, Serug’s got another two centuries in him, raising more kids than you can count.
Nahor’s 29 when he becomes the father of Terah, aka Thara in Greek.
Nahor kicks it for another 119 post-Terah, with more kids on the scene.
So, Terah’s about seventy when he becomes a proud dad to Abram, Nahor, and Haran.
Terah’s family tree: Abram, Nahor, and Haran. Haran’s got a son named Lot.
Sadly, Haran passes before his dad Terah, right where he was born, in Ur of the Chaldeans.
So, Abram and Nahor tie the knot. Abram’s wife is Sarai, and Nahor’s is Milcah, daughter of Haran, who’s also dad to Iscah.
Sarai’s struggling to have kids, though. No luck in the baby department.
Terah’s like, “Let’s dip, fam!” Takes Abram, grandson Lot (Haran’s boy), and daughter-in-law Sarai (married to Abram), and they bounce from Ur of the Chaldeans, heading for Canaan. Make a pit stop in Haran, though.
Terah clocks out at 205, passing away in Haran.

Genesis 12

So, God was all like, ‘Abram, you gotta peace out from your hometown, your fam, and your dad’s crib and head to a new land that I’ll show you.’
And I’ll make you into a lit nation, bless you, and make your name blow up; so that you’ll be mad blessed.
And anyone who’s got your back and shows love to you, I’ll hook them up with blessings. But those who try to diss you, I’ll bring some major negativity their way. Through you, all the people of the Earth will get hooked up with blessings.
So, Abram bounced, just like the LORD told him to. And his homie Lot came along too. Abram was 75 years old when he dipped out of Haran.
So, Abram rolls with his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all their stuff they collected, even the squad they picked up in Haran. And off they go to the land of Canaan, and boom, they touch down in Canaan.
So Abram cruises through the land until he hits Sichem, which was a chill spot in the plain of Moreh. Canaanite peeps were posted there at that time, just so you’re in the loop.
So, God pulls up to Abram and was like, ‘Yo, this land is all yours, and your descendants too.’ And Abram was like, ‘Dope!’ And he sets up an altar to show respect to God, who just showed up for him.
Then he rolls to a mountain east of Bethel and sets up camp, with Bethel on the west and Hai on the east. There, he sets up another altar to show respect to the LORD and shouts out His name.
So Abram keeps on moving, continuing his journey south. #travelgoals
So, like, there’s a major food shortage in the land, and Abram’s like, ‘Well, gotta find a new hangout spot.’ So he heads down to Egypt to kick it there for a bit, ’cause the famine’s pretty gnarly, ya know?
And right before they hit up Egypt, he’s like to his wife Sarai, ‘Look, babe, I can’t help but notice you’re a total looker.’
So, like, when the Egyptians peep you, they’ll be like, ‘That’s his wife!’, but, uh, they’re totally gonna try to off me, but no worries, they’ll spare you.
Yo, can you just roll with the whole ‘you’re my sis’ vibe? It’ll be better for both of us. And trust me, my life will be way easier thanks to you.
So, like, Abram slides into Egypt, and the Egyptians peep that Sarai is, like, crazy attractive.
The crew in charge under Pharaoh notice her, and they’re like, ‘Wow, she’s pretty rad!’ So they bring her to Pharaoh’s spot.
And Pharaoh’s treating Abram like a VIP because of her, hooking him up with all sorts of cool stuff like sheep, oxen, donkeys, dudes working for him, chicks working for him, and even more donkeys and camels.
And God throws some serious drama at Pharaoh and his fam all because of Sarai, who’s Abram’s girl.
So Pharaoh hits up Abram like, ‘Bro, what’s the deal with this move you pulled on me? Why didn’t you let me know she was your wifey?’
Why’d you front and say she’s my sis? If you’d just kept it real, I could’ve cuffed her. But hey, here’s your girl back, take her and bounce. Peace out.
And Pharaoh’s like, yo, tell your whole squad to dip. So they send him, his girl, and all his stuff on their way.

Genesis 13

So Abram, his wifey, and all their stuff, plus Lot, bounced up to the south after peacing out from Egypt.
Abram was ballin’, y’know? He had mad cows and stacks of silver and gold.
Then he jetted from the south to Bethel, back to where his tent was at first, between Bethel and Hai.
And Abram rolled back to where he first built that altar and vibed with the LORD.
Lot rolled with Abram, packing tons of animals – flocks, herds – and camping out too.
But the land couldn’t handle their squad ’cause they were too stacked, not enough space.
So, drama alert! Abram’s cowboys and Lot’s cowboys were beefing. Plus, the Canaanite and Perizzite homies were chillin’ nearby.
Abram was like, “Look, Lot, no need for beef between us. We’re fam, bro.”
“Check it, this whole place is wide open. Can you do me a solid and peace out? You pick, left or right. No hard feelings, aight?”
So Lot peeped this lush spot, the plain of Jordan, like a green paradise, even better than Egypt. This was pre-Sodom and Gomorrah wipeout, FYI. Stretching all the way to Zoar.
Lot was like, “Bet,” and headed east, splitting up their crew.
Abram chilled in Canaan while Lot pitched near Sodom, facing it.
But Sodom dudes were straight wicked, sinful in the LORD’s eyes, no cap.
Then the LORD was like, “Yo, Abram, now that Lot’s dipped, peep this: Look around, fam! North, south, east, west.”
Everything you see, it’s all yours, and not just for you, but your future fam too, forever!
And your descendants? Too many to count, like sand on a beach.
So get up, start exploring, ’cause I’m hooking you up, all of it.
After that, Abram bounced to Mamre in Hebron, set up a dope altar, showing love to the LORD.

Genesis 14

Yo, back when Amraphel was holding it down in Shinar, Arioch was the big boss in Ellasar, Chedorlaomer was flexing as the king of Elam, and Tidal was just king of kings.
So, these dudes straight up went to war against Bera, the head honcho of Sodom, and Birsha, the ruler of Gomorrah, and Shinab, who was running Admah, and Shemeber, who had Zeboiim on lockdown, and the king of Bela, aka Zoar.
All these homies were kicking it together in this place called Siddim, which is like, by the salt sea, you feel?
For real, for twelve years, they were just doing whatever Chedorlaomer said. But then, on the thirteenth year, they were like, “Nah, we ain’t about that life,” and started rebelling.
In year fourteen, Chedorlaomer and his crew rolled up and straight up wrecked the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, took down the Zuzims in Ham, and crushed the Emims in Shaveh Kiriathaim. (Oh, by the way, “Shaveh” means “plain.”)
And the Horites were posted up in their mountain Seir, until they hit up Elparan, which is near the wilderness. (Also known as the plain of Paran.)
So they went back and hit up Enmishpat, aka Kadesh. They totally crushed all the Amalekites and Amorites chilling in Hazezontamar.
Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (also known as Zoar) were like, “Let’s settle this in the valley of Siddim.”
So, you got these four kings: Chedorlaomer from Elam, Tidal repping a bunch of nations, Amraphel from Shinar, and Arioch from Ellasar. And they were facing off against five other kings. It was a straight-up clash of titans!
Siddim was like, filled with these nasty slime pits and stuff. And the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah, they bounced and ended up falling into them, and the rest tried to dip to the mountains.
They straight up jacked all the loot from Sodom and Gomorrah, including their snacks, and bounced.
So, they snatched up Lot, who’s Abram’s nephew, you know? And he was living it up in Sodom at the time. They also took all his stuff and dipped.
So this one person managed to escape and went to spill the tea to Abram the Hebrew. Abram was posted up in the plain of Mamre, chilling with his homies Eshcol and Aner, who were Amorites. They were tight with Abram, like a squad.
When Abram heard that his brother got taken, he gathered his crew, all homies born in his crew, a total of 318 people, and chased after the kidnappers until they hit up Dan. (They were ready to throw down, you know?)
So, he split from his squad and went stealth mode on them in the middle of the night. He straight up attacked them, then kept chasing them all the way to Hobah, which is like, on the left side of Damascus.
He ended up recovering all the loot, and he also brought back his bro Lot, along with his stuff, the women, and all the people.
So, the king of Sodom came out to meet him after he came back from whooping Chedorlaomer and the other kings who were with him, at this place called the valley of Shaveh, which is like, the king’s valley.
Then Melchizedek, the king of Salem, came through with some bread and wine. He was actually serving as a priest of God Almighty.
And he’s like, yo, Abram is blessed AF, seriously blessed by the most high God, the boss of heaven and earth, bro:
Shout out to the Most High God, who totally handed your enemies to you. And guess what? You hooked Him up with a sick 10% of all the spoils!
The king of Sodom was like, “Yo Abram, hook me up with the people, and you can keep all the stuff.” (By “people” he means souls, you know.)
And Abram was like, yo king of Sodom, listen up. I swear on the name of the LORD, who’s like, the super OG God, ruler of the whole dang universe, heaven and earth and all that.
I promise not to take even a single thread or shoelace from you, and I won’t accept anything that belongs to you. I don’t want you to think that you made me rich.
Just make sure the stuff that the squad and I, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre, already had, don’t touch that. Let them have their share.”

Genesis 15

So, like, after all that went down, the word of the LORD hit up Abram in, like, a vision, saying, ‘Chill, Abram! I got your back, dude. I’m gonna hook you up with, like, the sickest rewards!’
And Abram was like, ‘Yo, Lord GOD, keeping it 100 here. What’s the sitch? I’m childless, and Eliezer from Damascus is basically running my place. What’s the dealio?’
Abram was like, yo, I gotta be real with you, God. Like, I don’t have any kids, and this Eliezer guy’s gonna inherit everything. Help a homie out, God.
Yo, guess what? The big man upstairs dropped a message, saying your heir won’t be who you think, but someone who’s blood-related to you.
Then he took him outside and said, ‘Yo, peep the sky. Try counting all them stars if you can. And he told him, ‘That’s how many descendants you’re gonna have, yo.’”
And he totally vibed with the LORD; and the LORD was like, ‘That’s some real righteousness right there.’
And he’s like, ‘Dude, I’m totally the LORD who saved you from Ur of the Chaldees just so you could own this land, you know?’
And, like, he’s asking, Lord GOD, how can I be sure that I’ll totally inherit it?
Yo, he told him, grab a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old she goat, a three-year-old ram, and also a turtledove and a young pigeon.
Then he collected all of them and split them in half, placing each piece next to each other. However, he didn’t split the birds.
And when the birds showed up and started feasting on the dead bodies, Abram scared them away.
As the sun was setting, Abram suddenly felt really tired and dozed off. Then, out of nowhere, a super intense feeling of darkness and fear overcame him.
And he said to Abram, like, listen up, dude. Just so you know, your descendants are gonna be living as outsiders in a land that ain’t even theirs. They’ll be serving those peeps and going through some tough times, like, for a solid four hundred years.
And that nation they’ll serve, I’ll totally judge them. But after that, they’ll come out with amazing wealth and all.
And you will peacefully join your ancestors; you’ll be laid to rest at a ripe old age with respect.
But it will take four generations for them to come back here, because the Amorites haven’t reached their full wrongdoing yet.
And as the sun went down and it got dark, something amazing happened – there appeared a smoking furnace and a burning lamp that moved between those pieces. The lamp was like a fire!
On that day, God made a deal with Abram, like a solid agreement, you know? He was all like, ‘I’m handing over this land to your descendants, from one side of Egypt’s river to the mighty Euphrates river!’ No Cap.
There were these cool groups called the Kenites, Kenizzites, and Kadmonites,
And there were also the Hitties, the Perizzies, and the Rephaim people,
And then there were the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.”

Genesis 16

Okay, peeps, listen up! So, Sarai, who was Abram’s wifey, couldn’t pop out any kids of her own. But she had this homegirl, who was Egyptian, named Hagar. Just dropping some knowledge, ya feel?
Sarai was like, “Hey, Abram, God’s put a block on my baby-making abilities. So, like, can you get with my girl? Maybe I can score some kids through her.” And Abram was all, “Sure thing, Sarai, I gotchu.”
So, Sarai, who’s Abram’s wifey, hooked him up with Hagar, her homegirl from Egypt. This went down after Abram had been chilling in Canaan for ten years, you know? Sarai basically gave Hagar to Abram, like, as his side piece and all.
So, Abram got with Hagar, and she ended up preggers. But when she realized she had a bun in the oven, she started acting all disrespectful to Sarai.
Sarai was like, “Abram, this drama is on you, dude. I handed you my homegirl to have a kid with, and now she’s acting all extra because she’s knocked up. God better step in and sort this out.”
But Abram was like, “Look, Sarai, Hagar is under your jurisdiction, so handle her however you see fit.” Sadly, when Sarai started treating Hagar badly, she peaced out.
Then, outta nowhere, the angel of the LORD found her chilling by this rad water fountain on the way to Shur.
The angel was like, “Hey, Hagar, Sarai’s homegirl, where you coming from and where you headed?” And she was like, “Bro, I’m bouncing from Sarai ’cause she’s driving me insane.”
Then the angel was like, “Head back to your boss lady and show her some respect.”
And the angel dropped some major news, like, “Yo, your descendants are gonna be off the charts, like, impossible to count!”
The angel continued, “You’re gonna have a baby boy, and his name’s gonna be Ishmael. Why? ‘Cause God totally heard your struggles, girl.” (BTW, Ishmael means God shall hear, just FYI.)
“And he’s gonna be a total rebel, always getting into it with people and people getting into it with him too. Like, he’s destined for constant family drama.”
Then Hagar was like, “Yo, LORD, you see me, right? I’ve been searching for someone who sees me too. It’s wild, huh?”
So, they called the well Beerlahairoi, ’cause it’s between Kadesh and Bered. Beerlahairoi means, like, “The well of the one who is alive and sees me,” you know?
Hagar gave birth to Abram’s son, and Abram named him Ishmael, just like Hagar had given birth to him.
Abram was 86 years old when Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.

Genesis 17

So when Abram was 99 years old, God showed up and was like, “Yo, I’m the Almighty God, fam! Live your life straight-up righteous in front of me, like, real sincere and all.”
And I’ll totally set up a lit covenant between us, like, you and me, and I’ll make your squad multiply like crazy, seriously!
And Abram was like, whoa, and he totally fell on his face, and then God was like, “What’s good, bro?” and started chatting with him, saying,
As for me, listen up, I’ve got a deal with you. You’re gonna be a dad to a whole bunch of nations. Like, seriously, a massive crew of nations!
Dude, from now on, you won’t be called Abram anymore. Your new name is Abraham, ’cause I’ve made you the father of many nations. Abraham means “Father of a great multitude”, just so you know.
I’ll make you crazy successful and you’ll birth whole nations. Future leaders will actually come from you!
And, like, I’m gonna make this super legit covenant with you and your future fam that’s gonna last forever. You’ll have me as your ultimate homie, and your descendants will too.
And I’ll hook you up, and your descendants too, with the land where you’re currently chilling, all of Canaan, as an inheritance that lasts forever. Oh, and BTW, I’ll be their God, no cap. (BTW: By the way)
And God was like, Abraham, dude, you gotta stick with my covenant. Like, you and your future fam gotta keep it going for generations to come.”
Yo, listen up fam. This is the deal: I’m making a covenant with you and your descendants. Every dude in your crew gotta get circumcised, no exceptions.
So like, you gotta, um, cut off the extra skin from your… you know, private area. And that’s gonna symbolize the special agreement between me and you, got it?
On the eighth day, all male children among you, whether they’re born in your house or bought from someone else, gotta get circumcised. This applies to every generation. The term “son of eight days” is used in Hebrew to refer to an infant who is eight days old.
If someone is born into your fam or if you bought them, they gotta get circumcised. And my covenant will always be in your bodies as an everlasting covenant.
If a guy ain’t circumcised, he’s not part of the squad. He’s straight up breaking our agreement, so he’s gotta peace out from the clique.
God told Abraham, yo, listen up, Sarai ain’t gonna be her name no more. From now on, she’s gonna be called Sarah, ya feel me? And just so you know, Sarah means Princess, that’s what’s up.
And I’m gonna hook Sarah up real good. She’s gonna have a son, you feel me? Not only that, but I’m gonna bless her and she’s gonna birth nations. Like, legit, kings are gonna come from her, man. It’s gonna be epic.
Abraham straight up face-planted and cracked up. He was like, for real though, can a super old dude like me even have a kid? And Sarah, at ninety years old, gonna give birth? That’s wild!
And Abraham was like, yo God, I’m hoping that Ishmael gets to live in your presence!
And God was like, yo, Abraham, your wifey Sarah is gonna have a legit son, for real. And you gotta name him Isaac. Oh, and I’m gonna make a super tight covenant with him, like forever and ever, and with all his future fam, it’s gonna be lit.
Yo, about Ishmael, I got you covered. Check it out, I have blessed him big time and he’s gonna have mad descendants, like a ton of ’em. He’ll even be the father of twelve rulers and I’m gonna make his nation hella strong.
But here’s the deal: I’m gonna make my special promise with Isaac, the son that Sarah’s gonna have for you around this time next year.
And then they finished their convo, and God bounced from Abraham’s crib.
So Abraham gathered up Ishmael, his son, along with all his household members and those he had acquired with his money. They were all dudes who belonged to Abraham’s household. And on that very day, they all got circumcised, just as God had told him to do.
Abraham was like, super old, man, like ninety-nine years old, when he got circumcised. Yeah, his foreskin was beast-mode removed and all that.
Ishmael was just a cool 13-year-old when he got circumcised and went through that snip procedure.
On that very day, Abraham got circumcised along with his son Ishmael.
And all the dudes in his crib, born there or bought from overseas, got circumcised together.

Genesis 18

So, like, the LORD showed up to him in this chill place called Mamre. And this dude was just chilling in his tent entrance, feeling that scorching heat of the day, you know? (BTW, Mamre means ‘plains’ in Hebrew, just so you’re in the know.)
And he looked up and saw three dudes hanging out, so he hurried over to meet them from the entrance of his tent and respectfully bowed down.
And I was like, ‘Yo, Lord, if you vibe with me, please don’t bounce, I’m beggin’ ya, stay with me, hear my plea:’
Yo, could ya please grab some water real quick and wash your feet? Then feel free to chill and take a break under the tree.
I’ll get you some bread to cheer you up and give you strength, then you can continue on your journey. That’s why you came to me, right? And they agreed, saying, “Yeah, sure, do what you said.”
So Abraham quickly went into the tent where Sarah was and said, ‘Hey Sarah, can you get ready fast and prepare three measures of fine meal? Knead it and make some cakes on the hearth.’
So Abraham quickly went to his herd and got a young and fresh calf. He gave it to one of his young dudes and they hurried to prepare it for a meal.
Then he brought some butter, milk, and the deliciously prepared calf and placed it in front of them. He stood beside them under the tree while they enjoyed their meal.
And they were like, ‘Yo, where’s Sarah, your wifey?’ And he was like, ‘Check it, she’s chillin’ in the tent.’”
And he was like, ‘Bro, I’m definitely coming back to you when the time is right. And guess what? Sarah, your wifey, is gonna have a baby boy!’ And Sarah was eavesdropping from inside the tent, all sneaky like.
So like, Abraham and Sarah were really old, like ancient, you know? And Sarah couldn’t have babies anymore, like she couldn’t have periods. It was, like, not possible for her to get pregnant.
So Sarah couldn’t help but laugh to herself and said, ‘Seriously, am I supposed to find pleasure in my old age when my husband is just as old?’
And God was like, Abraham, seriously, why did Sarah laugh and doubt that she could have a baby when she’s old?’
Like, seriously, is anything too difficult for the LORD? I mean, at the right time, I’ll totally come back to you, just like when everything’s blooming and awesome, and Sarah will totally give birth to a son, no doubt about it.
Sarah was like, ‘Nah, I didn’t laugh!’ She was scared, you know? But then he goes, ‘Nuh-uh, you totally laughed!’
So, the guys got up and checked out what was happening in Sodom. And Abraham tagged along to guide them.
So God was like, should I keep this thing I’m about to do a secret from Abraham or what?
Yo, check it out. The big man upstairs promised Abraham that his crew was gonna blow up and become a legit powerhouse, you know, a sick nation. And get this, not only that, but everyone from all around the globe would be blessed because of him. Pretty dope, right?
I totally know that Abraham is gonna be all about making sure his kids and household follow the Lord’s teachings, doing what’s right and fair. And because of that, the Lord will totally make sure Abraham gets all the awesome blessings He promised him.
And God was like, yo, the noise comin’ from Sodom and Gomorrah is off the charts, and their actions are seriously messed up.
I’m gonna check it out for myself, see if they’re really doing what I’ve heard. And if not, I’ll find out the truth.
And the dudes were like, Peace out!’ and headed towards Sodom, but Abraham stayed chill, still chilling with the LORD.
Abraham came forward and asked, like yo, are you gonna wipe out the good peeps along with the wicked ones?
Yo, suppose there’s like fifty righteous peeps in that city. Would you even wreck the whole place, not sparing it for the sake of those fifty righteous homies living there?
God, it’s not cool at all for you to treat the righteous and the wicked the same. You definitely wouldn’t want to go around smiting righteous people along with the wicked ones, right? The Judge of everyone surely knows how to do what’s fair, don’t they?
God was like, ‘Yo, if I come across fifty chill and righteous people in Sodom, I’ll save the whole city just for them.’”
And Abraham was like, yo, listen up, I’m about to talk to the Big Guy up there, even though I’m just a tiny speck of dirt and dust.
Yo, what if there’s only five righteous peeps missing from the 50? You gonna wipe out the whole city just cuz of five? And then he’s like, nah if I find 45 righteous peeps, I won’t destroy it.
Then he talked to him again and said, ‘Maybe if there are like forty people there, will you save the place?’ And he replied, ‘Nah fam, even if there were forty, I’m not doing it for their sake.’”
And he’s like, ‘Yo, chill, don’t get mad, but hear me out. Maybe there’s like, 30 good people there.’ And the other dude’s like, ‘Nah man, even if there are 30, I ain’t gonna do it.’”
And he was like, yo, I’m gonna talk to the big boss, the Lord. Maybe, just maybe, if there’s like, twenty good people in there, the whole place won’t get wrecked.
And the guy was like, please don’t get mad, Lord. I just wanna say one more thing. Maybe if there’s like ten good people there, you won’t destroy the place, right?
And God went on his way, soon after having finished talking with Abraham. And Abraham went back to where he was.”

Genesis 19

So, like, two angels popped up in Sodom one evening, and Lot was just hanging by the gate. When he spotted them, he bounced over and gave them some major props, bowing down with his face to the ground.
And he was like, “Hey dudes, why don’t you come crash at my pad for the night? You can chill, freshen up, and dip out early in the AM.” But they were like, “Nah man, we’re good crashing in the streets tonight.”
But Lot was really pushing it, so they finally agreed and rolled to his place. He threw them a sick party, cooking up some bomb unleavened bread that they all dug.
But before they crashed, all the guys from the city, I mean, literally everyone from Sodom, gathered around the house. It was a mix of young and old, from all over the place.
These people were straight up calling out to Lot, like, “Hey, where are those dudes you had over tonight? Bring them out so we can vibe with them.”
So Lot stepped out and shut the door behind him.
“Yo, listen up, please don’t be doing that messed up stuff.”
“Check it, I’ve got two daughters who haven’t been with anyone. How about I bring them out to y’all, and you can do whatever. Just don’t touch these dudes, ’cause they’re under my protection.”
But they were like, “Step aside! This dude just rolled into town and now he’s trying to throw shade. We’ll deal with you worse than those other peeps!” And they started pressing Lot, almost busting down the door.
They grabbed Lot and pulled him inside, then slammed the door shut.
And they straight up blinded the dudes outside the crib, everyone, young and old. They were so disoriented they couldn’t even find the door.
They were like, “Hey Lot, you got anyone else here? Like, your sons-in-law, sons, daughters, or whoever else? Get them out, ’cause we’re about to wreck this place.”
“We’re about to tear this place up, ’cause the noise against the LORD has gotten out of control. He sent us to trash it.”
So Lot went to his sons-in-law and was like, “Yo, you gotta bounce from this city! The Lord’s gonna trash it.” But they thought he was joking.
When morning came, the angels were like, “Wake up! Grab your wife and daughters before you get caught up in this city’s mess and face the consequences.”
Lot hesitated, so the angels grabbed him, his wife, and his daughters’ hands, showing mercy, and led them out of the city.
“Run for your life! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the valley. Head for the hills or you’ll be toast.”
But Lot was like, “Hold up, please!”
“You’ve been so kind, saving my life, but running to the mountains ain’t gonna cut it. I might not make it out alive.”
“This little town is nearby and it’s small. Let me go there, it’s lowkey chill. If I do, I’ll be living good.”
And the angel was like, “Yeah, that works. I won’t wreck that city.”
“Hurry, get outta here ASAP! I can’t do anything till you reach that place.” So the city was named Zoar, meaning ‘Little.’
When Lot reached Zoar, the sun was up.
Then God rained fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah, it was intense.
He wiped out those cities, along with the whole region and everyone there, including the crops.
But his wife looked back and turned into a salt statue.
Abraham checked out the destruction, seeing smoke like from a giant furnace.
When God wrecked those cities, He remembered Abraham and saved Lot.
Lot left Zoar and lived in the mountains with his daughters.
The daughters thought they had no other options, so they got their dad drunk and slept with him to have kids.
They did it twice, and both times they got pregnant.
The older daughter had a son named Moab, who became the ancestor of the Moabites.
The younger daughter had a son named Benammi, who became the ancestor of the Ammonites.

Genesis 20

So Abraham bounced from there and headed down south, just kickin’ it between Kadesh and Shur, and crashed in Gerar for a minute.
Abraham was like, “Sarah is my sis, dude!” And Abimelech, the king of Gerar, was like, “No way, man!” So he sent for Sarah and brought her to his place.
One night, God showed up to Abimelech in a dream and gave him a serious heads up. He said, “Hey, just so you know, you’re in big trouble because the woman you took is actually married. You’re in deep waters.”
Abimelech didn’t do anything with her, and he was like, “Yo Lord, you gonna punish the innocent too?
Didn’t he say she’s my sis? And even she herself said he’s her bro. I swear, I meant no harm. My intentions were pure, man.”
So God appears to him in a dream and is like, “Yeah, I know you meant well. And I made sure you didn’t cross any lines.”
So, give the guy back his wife, dude. He’s, like, a prophet and he’ll pray for you and you’ll live. But if you don’t, just know you’re toast, and so is everyone you know.
So Abimelech got up real early, gathered his crew, and spilled the tea: and everyone was shook.
So, Abimelech hits up Abraham like, “Yo, what’s up with you? Did I mess up? You brought some major bad vibes to my kingdom. Not cool, man.”
Abimelech straight up asks Abraham, like, what’s the deal?
Abraham was like, “Yo, I had this thought, you know? I was worried they wouldn’t respect God and might straight up kill me for my wife.”
TBH, she’s technically my sis. Like, same dad but different mom, ya know? And then we ended up getting hitched.
So, like, when God made me leave my dad’s place, I told her, ‘Just tell ’em I’m your bro,’ ya dig?”
So, like, Abimelech was all generous and gave Abraham a bunch of stuff. And, get this, he even gave Sarah back!
And Abimelech was like, “Hey bro, my turf is all yours. Settle wherever feels right, man.”
So Sarah, listen up, I hooked your brother up with a bunch of cash. He’s like your guardian angel now, protecting you and everyone else.
So Abraham prayed, and God came through big time, healing Abimelech and his crew. And they all started having kids left and right.
So like, God made it so none of the ladies in Abimelech’s fam could have kids because Sarah was in the picture.”

Genesis 21

And then God totally came through for Sarah, just like He promised, and did exactly what He said He would do.
So, like, Sarah got pregnant and gave birth to a son for Abraham when he was, like, ancient, just as God had said it would go down.
Abraham gave his son, who came from Sarah, the name Isaac.
So, like, Abraham followed through with what God told him and circumcised his son Isaac when he was just 8 days old.
Abraham was, like, a whole century old when his son Isaac finally showed up in his life.
And Sarah was all like, OMG, God made me LOL so hard that everyone’s gonna LOL with me.
And she was like, who would’ve thought that Sarah, at her old age, would be nursing a baby? But she did it, she gave birth to a son for Abraham.
And the baby grew up and stopped nursing. So, Abraham threw this massive bash on the day Isaac stopped nursing.
And Sarah peeped Hagar’s son, the one she birthed for Abraham, throwing shade.
So she was like, Abraham, you gotta kick out this bondwoman and her son. Like, they can’t be heirs with my son Isaac.
And Abraham was really torn about it because of his son, it was a big deal.
And yo, God was like, Abraham, don’t stress over this situation with your son and his mama. Listen up to everything Sarah’s telling you, ’cause Isaac is the one who’s gonna carry on your legacy.
And I’ll also make a whole nation out of the son of the servant woman, because he’s part of your fam.
Abraham woke up mad early in the morning and grabbed some bread and a bottle of water. He gave it to Hagar, and she put it on her shoulder along with the child. Then, he sent her away and she dipped, wandering in the wilderness of Beersheba.
And the water ran out in the bottle, so she put the baby under one of the bushes.
So she went and sat down nearby, keeping a distance like the length of an arrow shot, because she didn’t want to see the child’s death. She positioned herself across from him, raised her voice, and started bawling.
And God totally heard the boy’s cries; and the angel of God hit up Hagar from the skies, and was like, ‘What’s up, Hagar? Don’t trip; God heard the boy’s cries wherever he’s at.’
Yo, get up, grab the kid, and keep him close; ’cause I’m gonna make him the leader of a rad nation.
God totally helped her see, and she spotted a dope well with water. She went over, filled up the bottle with water, and hooked the kid up with a refreshing drink.
And God was chillin’ with the dude; and he grew up, and lived in the wild, and became a total beast at archery.
So, like, he lived in this place called the wilderness of Paran, right? And then, his mom, she got him a wife from Egypt. Totally cool, right?
So, like, at that time, Abimelech and Phichol, the head honcho of his peeps, they came up to Abraham and were all like, ‘Yo dude, God is totally chillin’ with you in everything you do.’
So, like, promise me right now, with God as the witness, that you won’t be shady with me or my fam. Keep it real and show me the same love and kindness I’ve shown you in return. And, you know, be cool with the place you’ve been crashing at too, alright? Don’t front on me, fam!
And Abraham was like, yo, I’m gonna make a solemn promise, no cap.
Abraham called out Abimelech for snagging a precious water source that his crew forcibly took.
Abimelech was like, ‘I have no idea who did this. You never told me, and I didn’t even hear about it until today.’
So Abraham, like, rounded up some sheep and oxen and gave them to Abimelech, and then they both, like, made a pact and stuff.
And Abraham put these seven cute baby sheep in a separate group from the rest of the flock.
Abimelech was like, ‘Yo, Abraham, what’s up with those seven lambs over there? What’s the deal with them?
So he was like, yo, take these seven cute little lamb babes from me as proof that I’m the one who dug this well.
So he named that place Beersheba, because that’s where they made a serious promise to each other. (Beersheba means ‘The well of the oath’)
So they formed a pact at Beersheba: then Abimelech and Phichol, the top boss of his army, went back to the land of the Philistines.
So, Abraham decided to plant a grove in Beersheba, and he named it after the LORD, the everlasting God. (By grove, I mean a tree, just so you know.)
And Abraham, like, stayed in the land of the Philistines for a pretty long time, you know?”

Genesis 22

So, like, God was like, “Yo, Abraham!” And Abraham was like, “Sup? I’m here.”
And God was all, “Listen up, dude. Take your son Isaac, the one you’re tight with, and head to Moriah. I want you to offer him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I’ll show you later.”
So Abraham woke up super early, got his ride ready, took two of his homies, his son Isaac, and chopped up some wood for the offering. Then they all headed to the spot God told him about.
And on the third day, Abraham spotted the place in the distance.
Abraham told his squad, “Hold up with the ride; me and the homie are gonna head over there and do our worship thing, but we’ll be back with y’all.”
Abraham grabbed the wood for the burnt offering and put it on Isaac. He also took the fire and a knife, and they both headed out together.
Isaac was like, “Hey, dad!” And Abraham was like, “What’s up, son?” Isaac asked, “I see the fire and the wood, but where’s the lamb for the burnt offering?”
Abraham was like, “God’s got this covered, He’s gonna hook us up with a lamb for our sacrifice.” And they headed out on their mission.
So they arrived at the spot. Abraham set up a sacred space, built an altar, arranged the wood, and tied up Isaac. He then placed Isaac on the altar, on top of the wood.
Abraham reached for the knife, ready to do what God asked.
Then an angel from the LORD hit up Abraham, saying, “Yo, Abraham, Abraham!” And Abraham was like, “Yeah, what’s up?”
And God was like, “Don’t touch the kid, seriously. It’s all good, I see you’re down for respecting me ’cause you didn’t hold back your son.”
So Abraham saw a ram caught in a thicket, took it, and offered it instead of his son.
Abraham named that place Jehovahjireh, which means ‘The Lord will provide’, ’cause, like, He shows up when we need Him.
Then the angel of the LORD hit up Abraham again.
And God was like, “I swear on my own name, you did this incredible thing without holding back your son.”
“I’m gonna bless you big time. Your descendants are gonna be as many as the stars or the sand, and they’re gonna dominate their enemies and take over.”
“Through your descendants, all nations will get blessings ’cause you listened and followed what I said.”
Abraham went back to his squad, and they rolled to Beersheba; and Abraham settled there.
After all that, Abraham heard Milcah had some kids for his bro Nahor.
Huz, the eldest bro, and Buz, his fam, and Kemuel, Aram’s founder,
And Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, and Bethuel were all part of the crew.
And Bethuel had a daughter named Rebekah, who Nahor had eight kids with Milcah. (Rebekah is also called Rebecca in Greek.)
And this dude had a side chick named Reumah, and she had Tebah, Gaham, Thahash, and Maachah.

Genesis 23

So, like, Sarah lived a whopping 127 years before she passed away. That’s a full life, you know?
And then she passed away in this place called Kirjatharba, which is like Hebron in Canaan. Abraham, her husband, headed there to mourn and pay his respects, you feel me?
Abraham, feeling the loss, left the place where his friends were hanging out with the deceased and approached the sons of Heth, saying, “Hey, listen up,
“I’m kinda an outsider here, but can you hook me up with a spot to bury my dear wife so I can move on?”
The sons of Heth replied to Abraham, like,
“Hey man, you’re like a big deal around here. You can totally choose any of our gravesites for your loved one. We got your back. And calling yourself ‘a prince of God’? Yeah, that’s legit!”
So Abraham respectfully greeted the people of the land, including the children of Heth.
Then, he talked with his buddies, saying, “Hey, if you’re cool with it, I’d like to bury my wife out of sight. Can you help me out and chat with Ephron, Zohar’s son, for me?”
“I’m hoping Ephron will let me have that cave of Machpelah at the edge of his land. I’ll pay him whatever it’s worth. Sound good?”
Ephron, being among the sons of Heth, stood up and addressed everyone at the gate of his city, making it a public affair.
“Actually, sir, I want to give you the whole field and the cave in front of everyone. You can bury your loved one there.”
Abraham humbly showed respect to the people of the land.
So, he talked to Ephron in front of everyone, like, “Hey man, if you’re down, I really need to buy that field from you so I can give my deceased a proper burial.”
Ephron replied, “Yo Abraham, listen up,”
“Listen, buddy, the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver. But hey, between friends, let’s just make this happen.”
Abraham listened to Ephron and paid him the silver, as agreed upon in front of the sons of Heth, four hundred shekels, the standard currency.
And the land, including the field, the cave, and all the trees, legally became Abraham’s possession, confirmed in front of everyone.
Abraham was granted this prime spot in front of all those who entered the city gate, with the children of Heth witnessing.
And so, Abraham laid his wife Sarah to rest in the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre, also known as Hebron in Canaan.
So basically, the field and the cave were secured for Abraham to use as a burial place by the sons of Heth.

Genesis 24

Abraham was like, super old and had lived a mega long life, totally fulfilled. The Lord totally hooked him up with blessings galore, seriously, everything was on fleek for him.
So Abraham was like, ‘Hey, servant dude who runs everything I got, come here and do me a solid. Put your hand under my thigh, please.’
Yo, I need you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and earth, that you won’t let my son marry any Canaanite girls around here. It’s a big deal for me, bro.
But you gotta dip to my homeland and my fam and find a wife for my son Isaac.
The servant was like, maybe the girl won’t vibe with coming here. Should I bring your son back to where you’re from?
And Abraham was like, yo, make sure you never take my son there again, aight?
The big man upstairs, who totally rescued me from my fam’s crib and homeland, and straight up talked to me, and made a promise like ‘Yo, I’ll totally give this land to your peeps’; he’s gonna send an angel to help you out, so you can find a wifey for my son over there.
And if the girl doesn’t wanna bounce with you, then you’re off the hook from the promise I made. Just promise me you won’t take my son there again.
And the servant placed his hand beneath Abraham’s thigh, and made a solemn promise to him regarding that matter.
So the servant grabbed ten of his master’s camels and bounced. He had all of his master’s stuff with him, and he headed to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor.
And he had his camels posted outside the city by a water well when it was getting late in the evening, you know, around the time when girls usually go out to fetch water.
Then he said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, I’m totally praying that you make things go smoothly for me today, and be super nice to my master Abraham.
Yo, check it out, I’m just posted at the water well, and these girls from the city roll up to get some water.
So, like, here’s the plan: If I slide up to this girl and ask her for a drink from her pitcher, and then she’s all like, ‘Sure, and I’ll hook up your camels too,’ then we’ll know that she’s the one you chose for Isaac and that you’ve been showing kindness to my master.
So, like, while he was still talking, Rebekah suddenly pulls up, and she’s, like, Bethuel’s daughter and Milcah’s granddaughter. Oh, and BTW, Milcah is Nahor’s wife, who is actually Abraham’s bro. And she’s got this pitcher posted on her shoulder, ready to go.
And the girl was really attractive, like, her looks were on fleek, and she was a total virgin, like, no one had ever been with her, you know? So she went down to the well, filled her pitcher, and came back up. She was rocking that good vibe, you feel me?
So the servant like, slid up to her and was like, ‘Hey, could you totally hook me up with a sip of water from your pitcher?’
And she was like, ‘Yo, have a sip, dude.’ So she quickly took her water jug and lowered it down, then handed him a drink.
After she finished giving him a drink, she was like, ‘Yo, I’ll hook up your camels too, and keep filling up their tanks until they’re fully hydrated.’
She quickly poured the water from her pitcher into the trough, then hurried back to the well for more, drawing water for all of his camels.
The guy was shook and didn’t say anything, trying to figure out if God made his trip go well or not.
And so, after the camels were done quenching their thirst, the man grabbed a super cool golden earring that weighed half a shekel, and two awesome bracelets weighing ten shekels each for her hands. (By the way, the alternative translation for ‘earring’ is ‘jewel for the forehead.’)
And the dude was like, ‘Yo, whose daughter are you? Can you let us crash in your pops’ crib?’
And she was like, yo, I’m the daughter of Bethuel, who is Milcah’s son. My mom gave birth to me and Nahor is my dad.
She told him, ‘We’ve got plenty of straw and food for the animals, and a cozy place to crash.
The guy lowered his head and showed respect to the LORD.
And he was like, OMG, how unbelievably blessed is the LORD God of my master Abraham! Like, seriously, my master has never been abandoned by God’s mercy and faithfulness. And, BTW, while I was on my way, the LORD totally guided me to the house of my master’s relatives.
So, like, the girl ran off and spilled the tea to her fam ’bout what went down.
Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and Laban straight up bolted towards the dude at the well.
So, like, when he noticed the cool earrings and bracelets on his sister’s hands, and heard his sister Rebekah telling him all about what the man said to her, he went straight up to the man. And guess what? He found the dude chilling by the camels at the well.
He was like, ‘Yo, come on in, you cool person blessed by the LORD. Why you waiting outside? I got the crib ready and even a spot for your camels.’
So the guy went inside and took the belts off his camels, and then he provided them with straw and food. He also gave them water to clean their own feet and the feet of the men who were with him.
So, this food was brought to him to eat, but he was like, nah, I’m not gonna eat until I’ve finished my important task. And he was all like, go ahead and spill the tea.
And he was like, ‘Yo, I’m Abraham’s servant, you know.’
And God has blessed my master so much, and he has become really successful. He has been given tons of animals like sheep and cows, as well as a lot of money, including silver and gold. He even has a bunch of people working for him, both guys and girls, and he has plenty of camels and donkeys too.
And Sarah, my master’s wife, gave birth to a son for my master even though she was old. And my master has given him everything he owns.
So, my boss was like, ‘Swear to me that you won’t let my son marry any Canaanite girls, since I live among them.’
But you gotta head to my dad’s crib and link up with my fam, and find a wifey for my son, ya feel?
So I told my boss, like, maybe this girl won’t come with me, you know?
And he was like, yo, the LORD, the one I’m tight with, will totally send his angel to roll with you and make your journey successful. And when you find bae, make sure she’s from my fam, like my extended fam and my dad’s crib, ya feel?
So, like, once you reach my fam, you’re totally off the hook from this promise I made. And, like, if they don’t hook you up with what you need, then you’re not responsible for my promise anymore.
So, like, I went to the well today, and I was all like, ‘Yo, God of my master Abraham, if you could hook me up and make my journey successful, that would be totally awesome, you know?
Yo, check it out, I’m chilling near this dope water well. So here’s the deal: when this cool virgin comes to get some water, I’m gonna ask her politely, ‘Could you hook me up with a sip from your pitcher, please?’
And she says to me, ‘Yo, drink up too, and I’ll hook up your camels with some water. If that happens, then she’s the one that the LORD has picked for my master’s son.’
And like, before I even finished like, talking to myself, bro, Rebekah straight up came out with her water pitcher on her shoulder, and went down to the well, ya know? She totally drew some water, and I was like, ‘Yo, can I like, sip that?’
And then, like, she quickly took her pitcher off her shoulder and was all like, ‘Here, bro, drink some water!’ And she even offered to give water to all your camels too! So I had a drink, and she made sure the camels got hydrated as well, no cap.
So, like, I was all like, ‘Yo, whose girl are you?’ And she was like, ‘I’m Bethuel’s daughter, you know, Nahor’s son’s girl, that Milcah gave birth to.’ And then I hooked her up with this sick earring for her face and some dope bracelets for her hands.
So, I humbly showed my respect by bowing my head and giving praise to the LORD. I blessed the LORD God of Abraham, the one who guided me in finding a suitable wife for my master’s son from among our relatives.
Hey, listen up! If you’re down to be real and show some love and respect to my boss, let me know. But if you’re not about that, just be straight with me. I gotta know which way to go, whether to keep rolling with you or find another path.
Laban and Bethuel were like, ‘Dude, this is all coming from the Lord. We can’t say anything negative or positive to you.’
Yo, check it out, Rebekah’s right here, so grab her and bounce. Make her your boss’s son’s wifey, just like the LORD said.
And, like, when Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he like totally worshipped the LORD by like bowing down to the earth, you know?
So, the servant pulled out some sick silver bling, some lit gold bling, and some fresh clothes, and he hooked Rebekah up with all of it. And he didn’t forget about her brother and mother either – he gave them some dope gifts too. (BTW, in Hebrew, they call the bling ‘vessels.’)
And they were grubbin’ and sippin’, him and his homies, and chillaxed all night; then when they woke up in the morning, he said, ‘Yo, let me bounce back to my master, y’know.’
So her bro and her mom were like, yo, let the girl chill with us for a hot min, like at least ten days. But after that, she can bounce. Oh, and by the way, ‘a few days’ could also mean, like, a whole year or ten months, just FYI.
And he was like, listen up fam, don’t be stopping me, ’cause the LORD has totally blessed my journey. Let me bounce and head back to my master, okay?
And they were like, let’s go ask the girl herself and see what she says.
So they hit up Rebekah and asked her, ‘You down to roll with this dude?’ And she replied, ‘Yeah, I’m down.’
So they said, ‘Okay, Rebekah, go on your way with your nurse, Abraham’s servant, and his crew.
And they were like, ‘Rebekah, you’re one of us, sis! May you be a powerful leader, raising generations upon generations, and may your descendants overcome any opposition.’
And Rebekah was like, ‘Let’s go, girls!’ So they hopped on those camels and started trailing behind the guy. And the servant was like, ‘Rebekah, come with me!’ and they both hit the road.
So Isaac pulled up to the well Lahairoi because that’s where he was living down in the southern part of town.
So Isaac decided to take a chill moment out in the field during sunset. As he looked up, he spotted a group of camels heading his way.
“translation”: “Rebekah looked up and spotted Isaac, so she hopped off the camel.”
So she asked the servant, ‘Who’s that dude walking towards us in the field?’ And the servant replied, ‘That’s my boss.’ So she grabbed a veil and covered herself.
And the servant spilled all the tea to Isaac about everything he did.
So Isaac brought Rebekah into his mom Sarah’s tent, and they got married. He really loved her, and it helped him feel better after his mom passed away.”

Genesis 25

Abraham was like, “Time for a new romance journey,” and linked up with this woman named Keturah.
Then bam, she popped out Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah.
Jokshan became a proud dad to Sheba and Dedan. Dedan had his squad too – Asshurim, Letushim, and Leummim.
Midian’s crew, Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida, and Eldaah, all came through from Keturah.
Everything Abraham had, he passed straight to Isaac.
But Abraham also hooked up his concubines’ kids before bouncing them out east while he was still in the game.
Abraham clocked in a solid 175 years on this planet.
Then he dipped, peacefully riding out his golden years as a wise elder, reuniting with his peeps.
Isaac and Ishmael, Abraham’s boys, laid him to rest in Machpelah, Ephron’s field near Mamre.
Abraham copped a field from Heth’s sons, where he and Sarah were laid to rest.
God kept the blessings flowing for Isaac, who kicked it by Lahairoi.
Ishmael, Abraham’s son, came through courtesy of Hagar, Sarah’s wingwoman.
Ishmael’s kids? Nebajoth, Kedar, Adbeel, and Mibsam, rolling with the generations.
Mishma, Dumah, and Massa also joined the crew.
Hadar, Tema, Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah (also known as Hadad) held it down.
Ishmael’s clique repped different nations with twelve bosses in the mix.
Ishmael hit 137 years before joining his ancestors.
He lived from Havilah to Shur, kicking it till his siblings were in the mix.
Isaac, Abraham’s offspring, came through with the fam tree.
Isaac linked up with Rebekah at 40, daughter of Bethuel from Padanaram and Laban’s sis.
Isaac hit up the LORD about Rebekah’s baby situation, and things clicked.
Babies in the belly battling it out had Rebekah seeking divine answers.
God’s word? Two nations duking it out in her womb, with the younger one coming out on top.
Surprise delivery! Not one, but two babies.
First one out? Red and hairy, named Esau.
Next? Jacob, grabbing Esau’s heel. Isaac clocked in at 60 when they arrived.
Grown-up vibes: Esau, the nature pro; Jacob, the tent-chill type.
Isaac vibed with Esau’s hunting skills, but Rebekah was Team Jacob. (And Esau just took a bite of that venison when things went down!)
Jacob cooked up some primo grub, and Esau rolled in, famished and beat.
Esau’s like, “Hook me up with that fire stew, bro, I’m starving.”
Jacob’s like, “Sell me your birthright, dude.”
Esau’s done, like, “I’m out, man. What’s even the point?”
Jacob’s like, “Promise me now.” So Esau’s like, “Yeah, cool, promise.” Birthright sold.
Jacob tossed Esau some grub, and Esau, hungry as heck, scoffed it down. And that’s how Esau dissed his birthright, man.

Genesis 26

So, like, there was this huge famine going down, you know? And it wasn’t just any famine, it was the second one after Abraham’s time. And guess what? Isaac, being the sharp dude he is, decided to roll up to Abimelech, the king of the Philistines, in Gerar. Can’t blame the guy for trying to snag some grub, right?
And then God shows up to him and goes, ‘Yo, don’t even think about heading to Egypt. Just kick it in the land I’m hooking you up with.’
Hang out in this spot, and I’ll be right there with you, bringing all the good vibes and blessings your way. I promise you and your future fam will be ruling all these rad countries, just like I swore to your dad, Abraham.
And I’ll totally hook you up with a crazy ton of descendants, like a gazillion stars up in the sky! Plus, I’ll hand over all these countries to your descendants, and through them, every nation on Earth is gonna get some serious blessings. It’s gonna be sick, trust me!
Because Abraham totally made it a priority to listen to me and respect my instructions, rules, and guidelines.
So Isaac went and chilled in Gerar.
So, the locals asked him about his wife, and he’s like, ‘She’s my sis.’ He was scared to admit she’s his wife ’cause he thought they might off him to get to her, since she was a real looker.
So, after Isaac’s been there a while, Abimelech, the king of the Philistines, peeped from his window and spotted Isaac and Rebekah, Isaac’s wife, just hanging out.
So Abimelech hits up Isaac and he’s like, ‘Bro, spill it. It’s obvious she’s your wife, so why the sis act?’ Isaac’s like, ‘I said that ’cause I was scared I might get iced over her.’
Abimelech’s like, ‘Dude, you just messed us up big time! It could’ve been a disaster if someone had hooked up with your wife, and then we’d all be in deep trouble.’
Abimelech tells his crew, ‘Listen up, if anyone even thinks about messing with this dude or his wife, they’re facing serious consequences – like, straight up death.’
So Isaac plants crops there, and that year, he scores a crazy harvest, like a hundred times more than what he planted. And God totally blesses him, man. It’s unreal. #blessed #grateful #farminggoals
And the dude totally flourishes, keeps on growing until he’s seriously awesome.
Yo, this dude’s got mad flocks and herds, and a bunch of peeps working for him, like, on point. And the Philistines are totally jelly of him, dude. (BTW, workers or peeps helping out in the fields can also be called servants, just so you know.)
Back in Abraham’s time, when his crew was digging wells, the Philistines decided to be petty and fill ’em up with dirt.
Abimelech’s like, ‘Yo Isaac, you gotta bounce! You’re way too powerful for us to handle.’
So Isaac dips from there and sets up in the chill spot called the valley of Gerar, and lives there.
So Isaac decides to reopen the water wells his dad Abraham had dug, ’cause those pesky Philistines had plugged ’em up when Abraham passed away. And guess what? Isaac names them the same names his dad did.
So Isaac’s peeps start digging in the valley and they find a well with fresh, flowing water.
So, the dudes taking care of the cows in Gerar start beefing with Isaac’s peeps, like, ‘Yo, that water’s ours!’ So Isaac names the well ‘Esek,’ which means, like, a big argument and stuff.
So they dig another well, but there’s still a lot of drama, so they name it Sitnah, which means Hatred.
So, this guy moves to another spot, digs a new well without any fuss. He names it Rehoboth, which means ‘Room’, and says that the big man upstairs, the LORD, made space for us and we’ll thrive in this land. Cool, right?
And then he heads up to Beersheba.
That night, God shows up and goes, ‘Yo, I was with your pops Abraham. Don’t worry, I got your back. I’ll bring you blessings and make your squad multiply, all ’cause of Abraham, my bro.’
So, he builds an altar, shouts out to the LORD, and sets up his tent there. Isaac’s crew digs a well in that spot.
So Abimelech slides into his DMs from Gerar, with Ahuzzath, one of his homies, and Phichol, the head of his squad.
Isaac’s like, ‘Yo, what’s up with you guys coming to me when you clearly had beef and kicked me out?’
And they’re like, ‘Dude, we noticed God was with you. So let’s make this official with an oath, a legit agreement. We wanna make a covenant with you, man. It’s real!’
‘We didn’t mean any harm, bro. We never laid a finger on you, and we’ve only shown you love and respect. We let you go in peace, and now you’re totally blessed by the LORD. Just saying, if you realize it.’
And they throw a lit party, grub on some epic food, and drink up!
They wake up early, make a serious promise to each other. Then Isaac says peace out to them, and they bounce without any problems.
So, that day, Isaac’s peeps roll up and tell him about the well they dug. They’re like, ‘Yo, dude, we found water!’
And he names it Shebah: so that’s why the city’s called Beersheba even today. Shebah means ‘an oath’, and Beersheba means ‘the well of the oath’.
Esau’s like, 40 years old when he marries Judith, Beeri the Hittite’s daughter, and also Bashemath, Elon the Hittite’s daughter. No biggie.
And that really bums out Isaac and Rebekah, like, major downer for them. They’re totally bummed.”

Genesis 27

So, like, Isaac was gettin’ up there in age, and his eyesight wasn’t on point anymore, you feel me? He called his oldest son, Esau, and was like, ‘Yo, my dude!’ And Esau was like, ‘Yeah, dad, what’s good?’
And he was like, ‘Listen up, fam, I’m gettin’ old and I don’t know when my time’s up, you know what I’m sayin’?
‘Yo, grab your gear – like your sick weapons, quiver, and bow – and dip out to the wild? I’m craving some fresh venison, so why not snag some? Oh, and by the way, ‘take’ in Hebrew means ‘hunt,’ so go on a hunt for me!
‘Whip up some of that bomb food that I love and bring it over, so I can grub and bless you before I peace out.’
And Rebekah totally eavesdropped when Isaac was chattin’ with Esau. So Esau was like, ‘Yo, I’m heading out to the field to hunt some game and bring it back.’
So, Rebekah comes up to Jacob, her son, and she’s all like, ‘Listen up! I overheard our dad talkin’ to Esau, and here’s the scoop:
‘Yo, go grab me some venison and whip up somethin’ tasty so I can chow down and bless you in front of the LORD before I bounce.’
‘So, listen up, my dude, do what I say and follow my lead, aight?
‘Yo, head over to the flock and grab two dope baby goats for me. I’m gonna cook up some tasty grub for your dad, just the way he likes it.
‘And you’re gonna take that to your dad, so he can eat and bless you before he bounces.’
So Jacob was talkin’ to his mom, Rebekah, and he’s all like, ‘Yo, peep this, Esau, my bro, he’s, like, super hairy and I’m, like, totally smooth.’
My dad might catch onto me, and he’ll see me as a liar; then I’ll totally jinx myself and end up with bad luck, not good luck.
Then his mom was like, ‘Hey, if you wanna curse someone, curse me instead, my dude. But just do me a solid and listen to what I say, go grab what I need.’
So he went and got what she needed and brought it to his mom. His mom cooked up a delicious meal, just the way his dad liked it.
And Rebekah took the sickest clothes of her older son Esau, which were chillin’ in the crib, and decked out Jacob, her younger son.
Then she put the goat’s fur on his hands and the smooth part of his neck.
And she handed over the delicious food and the bread that she had made to her son Jacob.
So he went up to his dad and said, ‘Sup, Dad?’ And his dad was like, ‘Hey, what’s up? Who are you, my child?’
Then Jacob was like, ‘Yo, Dad. It’s me, Esau, your firstborn. I totally did what you asked me to do. So, check it – why don’t you get up and come chill with me while I serve you some bomb venison? That way, you can bless my soul, ya know?’
Isaac asked his son, ‘Yo, how did you manage to find it so fast, bro?’ And his son replied, ‘Dude, it’s all thanks to the LORD your God. He brought it right to me, man.’
‘Yo, Jacob, come here, bro, so I can check if you’re really my son Esau or not by touchin’ ya.’
So Jacob came close to his father Isaac, and he touched him. Then Isaac said, ‘The voice sounds like Jacob’s voice, but the hands feel like Esau’s hands.’
And he couldn’t tell it was him because his hands were all hairy like his brother Esau’s hands, so he gave him his blessing.
And he was like, ‘Yo, are you my boy Esau?’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, that’s me!’
He was like, ‘Yo, bring that food over here so I can chow down on my son’s delicious meat and then give you a major blessing.’ So, the food was brought to him and he totally ate it. And then, he got some wine and had a sip.
So, like, Isaac’s dad, he’s all like, ‘Yo, come over here and give me a kiss, bro.’
Then he walked up to him and gave him a hug: and he noticed the pleasant scent of his clothes, and gave him his blessings, saying, ‘Look, my child smells as refreshing as a field that the LORD has blessed.’
‘Yo, may God bless you with the chilled vibes of heaven’s dew, and the epic richness of the earth, hooking you up with mad grain and fine wine.’
‘Yo, have peeps serve you and nations show you respect. Rule over your bros and let your mom’s sons show you respect too. Anyone who disses you is cursed, but those who show you love are blessed.’
So basically, right after Isaac finished giving his blessing to Jacob and Jacob was just about to leave his father Isaac’s side, Esau, his brother, showed up from his hunting trip.
He cooked up some delicious food and brought it to his father, saying, ‘Dad, get up and enjoy this tasty dish I made! Then you can give me your blessing.’
Isaac’s dad was like, ‘Yo, who are you?’ And he answered, ‘I’m your son, Esau, your OG firstborn.’
Isaac was super shook and was like, ‘Yo, who was it that hunted and brought me that meat, and I ate it all before you came, and I blessed him? Yeah, he’s gonna be blessed for real.’
Esau totally lost it when he heard his dad’s words. He just broke down and cried like never before. He desperately pleaded with his dad, saying, ‘Dad, please bless me too, just like you blessed my brother.’
And he was like, yo, your brother totally pulled a sneaky move and snatched your blessing, yo.
And he was like, yo, isn’t his name Jacob for real? ‘Cause he totally snaked me two times: first, he straight up stole my birthright, and now he’s gone and swiped my blessing too. And I was like, bruh, you still got a blessing left for me or what? (By the way, Jacob means ‘A supplanter’, just so you know)
‘Yo, Esau, listen up. I gotta tell you something. I made Jacob your boss, yeah, for real. All his homies are his servants now. And I’ve been hooking him up with foodand drinks. But now, dude, what should I do for you, my son?
And Esau was like, woah dad, you only have one blessing to give? Can you bless me too, my father? And Esau couldn’t hold it in, he was all emotional and started crying.
Then Isaac, his dad, replied and said to him, listen up! Your place to chill will be the complete bomb, full of all the good stuff from the earth and the fresh droplets of heaven above.
You’ll be all about the sword, livin’ your life and doin’ your thing, but you’ll also be servin’ your bro. But hey, there’s gonna come a time when you’ll have the upper hand and you’ll be free from his control.
Esau totally despised Jacob ’cause their dad went and blessed him. Esau was thinkin’ to himself, ‘Once our old man kicks the bucket, I’m gonna knock Jacob off the face of the earth.’
Rebekah heard what Esau, her older son, said and got in touch with Jacob, her younger son. She told him, ‘Listen up, Esau is actually finding solace in the idea of taking you out.’
So, like dude, listen up! Go and do what I’m telling you to do, okay? Get up and run over to Laban, my bro, who lives in Haran.
Just hang out with him for a bit, until your brother calms down and is no longer mad at you;
When your bro is no longer mad at you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll hit you up and bring you back. I don’t wanna miss out on both of you on the same day, ya know?
Rebekah told Isaac that she’s seriously tired of dealing with the Hethite girls. She’s worried that if Jacob ends up marrying one of them, it won’t bring any happiness or fulfillment to her life. Like, she’s just over it, you know?

Genesis 28

So Isaac called Jacob over and gave him a blessing, and he told him in no uncertain terms, ‘Dude, you better not marry any Canaanite girl, okay? Like, seriously, find someone from a different tribe.’”
Yo, get up and head to Padanaram, to the crib of Bethuel, your mom’s pops. Find yourself a wife from there, one of Laban’s daughters, your mom’s bro.
And God, like, totally bless you with all the good vibes, and make you super successful, and help you grow, so that you can, like, gather a bunch of awesome people together.
And God’s gonna hook you up with the same blessings He gave to Abraham, for you and your descendants. You’re gonna inherit the land where you’re just a visitor right now, the one God gave to Abraham. #nomorestrangerdanger
So Isaac told Jacob to leave and go to a place called Padanaram to find his uncle Laban, who was Rebekah’s brother and the son of Bethuel the Syrian. Both Jacob and Esau had Rebekah as their mother.
When Esau peeped that Isaac had given Jacob the blessings and sent him off to find a wife from Padanaram, and on top of that, Isaac specifically told him not to marry any Canaanite girls;
And Jacob, like, totally listened to his dad and mom and decided to head over to Padanaram. It was all about that family love and respect, you know?
Esau noticed that his father Isaac didn’t approve of the girls from Canaan; they weren’t his vibe.
So, Esau went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, who was Ishmael’s daughter and Abraham’s grandson. Mahalath was also Nebajoth’s sister. (Mahalath may also be called Bashemath.)
So, like, Jacob left Beersheba and headed towards Haran. (Haran is like the ancient Greek version of Charran, ya know?)
So, he found himself in this spot and decided to spend the night there because the sun had gone down. And since he didn’t have any fancy pillows, he used some stones he found there and laid down to get some sleep.
So, like, he had this dream and saw a ladder, right? And this ladder was on the ground, but it stretched all the way up to heaven. And get this! There were angels of God going up and down on the ladder. Pretty surreal, huh?
And guess what, the LORD was standing right above it and said, ‘Yo, I’m the LORD God of Abraham, your pops, and the God of Isaac. The land you’re chillin’ on right now? Imma give it to you and your fam.’”
And I promise that your descendants will be like grains of sand on the earth, spreading out in every direction – to the west, east, north, and south. Through you and your descendants, all the families on earth will receive blessings.
Yo, listen up! I’m gonna be right by your side, no matter where you go. I’ll have your back and make sure you’re good. And I promise, I won’t bounce until I follow through on everything I’ve promised you. We’re in this together, fam!
And then Jacob woke up from his nap and was like, ‘Woah, God is totally here! And I didn’t even realize it!’
And he was shook, and was like, This place is insane! This is totally God’s hangout spot, the ultimate front door to heaven.
So Jacob woke up super early in the morning, grabbed the stone he had used as a pillow, and turned it into a cool-looking pillar. He then poured some oil on top of it.
And he named that place Bethel, but initially it was called Luz. Bethel means ‘The house of God’.
So Jacob made this promise, he was like, ‘Yo, if God stays by my side and protects me wherever I go, providing me with food and clothes,
So, like, when I get home to my dad’s crib all chill and drama-free, that’s when I’m gonna be all about the big man upstairs, ya know?
And this awesome rock that I’ve designated as a pillar is gonna be God’s crib, you know? And no matter what cool stuff you bless me with, I’m gonna hook you up with a solid ten percent, no questions asked.”

Genesis 29

So Jacob bounced and started his journey, rolling up to the land of the cool peeps from the east.
So he spots, like, this well in the field and whoa, there are three groups of sheep chilling right next to it. They use that well to hydrate the sheep. Oh, and there’s this massive stone covering the well’s opening.
Everyone gathered their flocks and together they moved the big rock covering the well. They hydrated the sheep and then put the rock back.
Jacob was like, ‘Yo, where y’all from, fam?’ And they were like, ‘We’re from Haran, bro.’”
He was like, ‘Do y’all know Laban, Nahor’s son?’ And they were like, ‘Yeah, we know him!’
And he’s like, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ And they’re all like, ‘Yeah, he’s good.’ And guess what, Rachel, his daughter, is coming with the sheep.
And he was like, dude, it’s still early and not the right time to gather the cattle. So, hydrate the sheep and then go and feed them.
They were like, ‘Sorry, we gotta wait until all the flocks are here and we move that big ol’ rock from the well. Only then can we hydrate the sheep, you know?’
And as he was talking to them, Rachel showed up with her dad’s flock of sheep because she was the one taking care of them.
So, like, Jacob checked out Rachel, the daughter of his mom’s bro Laban, and also noticed Laban’s sheep. And Jacob got all close to the well, moved the big stone that covered it, and hydrated Laban’s flock.
And Jacob kissed Rachel, and he couldn’t hold back his emotions so he let out a cry.
So Jacob said to Rachel, ‘Yo, I’m basically your dad’s bro and Rebekah’s son.’ And Rachel was all like, ‘OMG, I gotta spill the tea to my dad ASAP!’
So, like, Laban heard that his sister’s son, Jacob, had arrived, and he was super stoked about it. He ran up to meet him, gave him a big hug and smooch, and invited him to his place. Then Jacob told Laban everything that had happened. #familyreunion
And Laban was like, duude, you’re totally my fam! So he stayed with Laban for, like, a whole month. A whole month of awesome days, bro!
Laban was like, ‘Hey, bro, I mean, since we’re fam, do I really expect you to work for free? Just curious, what do you think is a fair wage for you? Let me know.’
Laban had two daughters: the older one was named Leah, and the younger one was named Rachel.
Leah was kinda sensitive; but Rachel was stunning and had mad game.
Jacob was totally smitten with Rachel and was like, ‘I’m down to put in a solid seven years of work just to be with your younger daughter, Rachel.’”
Laban was like, ‘It’s way cooler if I give her to you instead of someone else. Just hang out with me for a while.’
So like, Jacob totally busted his butt working for seven years just to marry Rachel, but tbh it felt like no time at all because he was head over heels for her.
So Jacob was like, ‘Hey Laban, it’s time to give me my wife. I’ve been waitin’ for this moment, so I can finally be with her.’
So, like, Laban got all the dudes from the area and threw this huge party.
Later that night, he chose Leah to be his wife, and they became intimate together.
So, like, Laban gave his daughter Leah his maid Zilpah, right? And, like, Zilpah became Leah’s handmaid or whatever.
The next morning, surprise surprise, it was Leah! And the guy was like, ‘Dude, Laban! What did you just do to me? I worked my butt off for Rachel, not Leah! So why did you trick me like that?’
Laban was like, hold up, we don’t roll like that in our hood. We can’t be hookin’ up the youngest sibling before the eldest. (BTW, ‘country’ here means placee’ in Hebrew.)
Complete her assigned time, and we’ll hook you up with something extra for the work you’ll put in with me for another seven years.
So Jacob did that, and completed the whole week. Then he married Rachel, his daughter, too.
So, like, Laban, you know, he gave Bilhah, his servant, to Rachel, his daughter, to, like, be her maid and stuff.
And he started hanging out with Rachel too, and he totally had a major crush on her, like way more than Leah. So he ended up serving their dad for another seven whole years just to be with her.
And like, when the Lord peeped that Leah was not getting the love she deserved, He totally blessed her with a fertile womb, but Rachel couldn’t conceive, man.
So, like, Leah got pregnant and had a baby boy. She named him Reuben, ’cause she was like, ‘Yo, the Lord totally noticed how bummed out I was, so now my hubby will finally love me!’ (BTW, Reuben means ‘See a son’).
Then she got pregnant again and had a son. She said, ‘The Lord has heard that I felt hated, so he gave me this son too.’ And she named him Simeon, which means ‘Hearing’.
Then, she got pregnant once more and gave birth to a son. She said, ‘Now, finally, my husband will truly become one with me, since I’ve given him three sons.’ That’s why they named him Levi, which means ‘Joined’.
And then she got pregnant again and had a son. She was so grateful to the LORD that she named him Judah, which means Praisee’. After that, she stopped having any more kids.”

Genesis 30

So, when Rachel peeped that she couldn’t pop out any babies while her sis was popping them out left and right, she got mad jelly and was like, ‘Jake, hook me up with some kids or I can’t even deal.’
Jake wasn’t having it and was like, ‘Do I look like the big man upstairs? Don’t blame me for your baby-blockage, okay?’
Then Rachel was like, ‘Check out Bilhah, my homegirl. Go hit her up and make some babies so they can be my mini-me’s. Like, I want us to be a legit fam.’
So, she set Jake up with her homegirl Bilhah, and they got cozy.
Bilhah got knocked up and had a baby boy for Jake.
Rachel was like, ‘OMG, divine intervention! God heard my plea, and now I’ve got a little dude!’ So, she named him Dan, which means ‘Judging’. Like, so lit!
Then Bilhah, Rachel’s girl, got pregnant again and had another son for Jake.
Rachel was like, ‘Yasss, victory is mine!’ So she named her boy Naphtali, which means ‘My wrestling’ (in Greek it’s Nephthalim).
When Leah realized she was all tapped out in the baby department, she decided to offer up her homegirl Zilpah to Jake.
Zilpah, Leah’s ride-or-die, had a son for Jake.
Leah was like, ‘Yo, we got a whole crew rolling in!’ So she named him Gad, which means ‘a troop’ or ‘company’.
And then Zilpah popped out another son for Jake.
Leah was like, ‘This is so dope! I’m getting mad props and blessings.’ So she named her son Asher, which means ‘Happy’.
So Reuben was out in the fields during harvest and found some mandrakes. He thought it would be a dope gift for his mom, Leah. Then Rachel came up to Leah like, ‘Hey, can I snag some of those mandrakes your boy found? Pretty please?’
So Leah was like, ‘Seriously? First, you snatch my man, and now you want my son’s mandrakes?’ And Rachel was like, ‘Fine, he can chill with you tonight in exchange for the mandrakes.’
So when Jake finished his grind in the fields and it got dark, Leah was like, ‘Hey, come through, we gotta talk business ’cause I traded your time for some mandrakes.’ And, well, they ended up spending the night together.
And God heard Leah out, and she got knocked up and had Jake’s fifth son.
Leah was like, ‘Yasss, God came through! I blessed my man with my girl.’ So, she named him Issachar, which means ‘a reward’.
And then Leah got pregnant again and had Jake’s sixth son.
Leah was hyped, like, ‘God hooked me up big time. Now my man will totally vibe with me ’cause I’ve given him six sons.’ And she named the kid Zebulun, which means ‘Dwelling’. (Zebulun: that’s his name in Greek, means Dwelling)
And then she had a daughter and named her Dinah.
And God was like, ‘Hey Rachel!’ and actually listened to her, and made it so she could finally have a baby.
And she got knocked up and had a son. She said, ‘God took away my shame.’
So she named him Joseph and said, ‘God will bless me with another son.’
After Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Jake was like, ‘Yo Laban, I’m out. Take me back home.’
‘Just give me my wifey and kids, man. I’ve been hustling for you, you know? Let me bounce, ’cause I’ve been putting in that work.’
Laban was like, ‘Listen up. If I’ve got your back, don’t dip just yet. Thanks to you, the Lord’s been blessing me. No lie!
And he was like, ‘Tell me what you want, and I got you.’
‘You know I’ve been grinding for you, and your stash has been growing since I rolled up.’
‘You were kinda dry before I showed, but now you’re stacked. The LORD’s been blessing you since I landed. So, when do I start taking care of my own crew?’
And he was like, ‘Yo, what’s your deal?’ And Jake was like, ‘Nah, I don’t need anything. But if you could hook me up with this, I’ll look after your flock, bro.’
‘Today, I’ll scoop up all the dope-looking cows and sheep with sick patterns and colors. And I’ll make sure to snag the goats with the sickest patterns too. That’s my fee.’
‘In the future, my honesty will speak for itself, just like when payday comes. Any animal that ain’t speckled or spotted among the goats, or brown among the sheep, is shady, along with me.’
And Laban was like, ‘I’m vibing with what you’re saying. Let’s hope it goes down like you said.’
And on that day, he separated the ringstraked and spotted he-goats and the speckled and spotted she-goats, plus any with a touch of white, and all the brown sheep, and gave them to his sons to take care of.
So he put some distance between himself and Jake, and Jake looked after the rest of Laban’s flocks.
Jake grabbed some branches from green poplar, hazel, and chestnut trees and peeled off strips to reveal the white part.
Then he put the stripped branches in the water troughs where the flocks drank, so they’d get pregnant.
And the sheep got pregnant before the striped and spotted sticks, and gave birth to cows with stripes, spots, and speckles.
So Jake separated the cute lambs and made sure the flocks only saw the cool spotty ones and the brown ones in Laban’s flock. No mixing allowed!
When the strong cattle were getting pregnant, Jake put these sticks in front of their eyes so they’d get pregnant when they were near.
But when the cows were weak, he didn’t put them with the rest. So the weak ones were Laban’s and the strong ones were Jake’s.
And this dude totally thrived and had an insane amount of livestock, plus a whole crew of awesome peeps, not to mention loads of camels and donkeys.

Genesis 31

So, like, Jacob overheard Laban’s sons talking smack, like, “Bro, Jacob totally swiped everything that belonged to our old man, and now he’s living the high life off of it.”
So Jacob peeped Laban’s expression and could tell something was off. It wasn’t the usual chill vibe, you know? It was kinda awk, like things had seriously shifted.
God was like, “Hey Jacob, time to bounce back to your roots. I got your back every step of the way.”
So Jacob hit up Rachel and Leah, telling them to meet him out in the field where his sheep were at,
And I was like, yo, I’ve noticed your dad’s vibe towards me has changed. But the God my old man worships? He’s been riding with me, you know?
And you know I’ve been busting my butt working for your dad.
And my old man totally played me, switching up my pay like ten times, but God didn’t let him play me like that.
He was like, “If he said, ‘Yo, you gonna get speckled animals as your wages,’ then all the cattle had spots. But if he was like, ‘Nah, you gonna get ringstraked animals as your pay,’ then all the cattle had stripes.
So, like, God totally flipped the script on your dad’s livestock and hooked me up.
So, while the livestock were doing their thing, I had this dream. And, yo, peep this, the male goats that were doing their thing with the cows, they had these sick patterns – like, some were striped, some were spotted, and some were a mix of both. Oh, and by the way, when I say ‘rams,’ I really mean male goats, just keeping it real.
So, like, this angel from God slid into my dream and started chatting, calling me Jacob. And I was like, yo, what’s up?
And he was like, yo, check it out, look at all the goats that are doing their thing with the cattle, they’re all striped, spotted, and speckled. It’s ’cause I’ve been peeping Laban and all the shady stuff he’s been pulling on you.
I’m the whole vibe of Bethel, where you made your move with the pillar and made a big promise to me. But now it’s time to dip from this place and head back to where your fam’s at.
Rachel and Leah were like, ‘Do we even have a slice of the pie left at our dad’s crib?’
Don’t we feel like outsiders to him? He totally treated us like strangers, and, man, he totally cleaned us out too.
Like, all the stuff God took from our dad, it’s rightfully ours and our kids’ too. So, if God’s got a plan, we’re down, you know?
So Jacob got up and helped his crew and wives onto camels;
And he scooped up all his animals and gear that he snagged, the stuff he got in Padanaram, to take it back to his pops Isaac in Canaan.
Laban was out shearing his sheep and Rachel snagged her dad’s idols.
So, Jacob decided to dip without giving Laban the heads up. Laban had no clue Jacob had split.
Then he bounced with all his gear, headed across the river toward Mount Gilead.
Three days later, Laban found out Jacob had pulled a fast one.
And he brought his crew, chasing after him for a whole week until he finally caught up to him at Mount Gilead.
So, like, God hit up Laban in a dream, this Syriac dude, and was like, ‘Listen up, Laban! Don’t you dare say anything good or bad to Jacob, okay?’
So, Laban caught up to Jacob. Just to fill you in, Jacob had set up camp on the mountain. And guess what? Laban and his squad set up camp too.
Laban was like, yo Jacob, what’s with the sneak attack and taking my daughters like you’re raiding them with a sword?
Why’d you dip without saying anything, sneaking off and not giving me a chance to throw you a going-away party?
And you didn’t let me give my kids a proper goodbye kiss? That wasn’t cool.
I could’ve messed you up, but Jacob’s dad’s God hit me up last night, telling me to keep my mouth shut when it comes to talking about Jacob, whether it’s good or bad. So yeah, I won’t mess with him.
And now, even though you really wanted to go back to your dad’s house, why’d you take my idols?
And Jacob was like, ‘Dude, I was low-key scared of you, you know? I had a gut feeling you might snatch your daughters away from me.’
If you find your idols with anyone, don’t let them live; first, figure out what’s yours and take it back. Jacob didn’t know Rachel took them.
So Laban searched Jacob’s tent, then Leah’s tent, and even the tents of the two maidservants, but he couldn’t find them. So he moved on to Rachel’s tent.
Alright, Rachel had snagged those idols and hid them among the camel’s stuff, just to throw everyone off. Then she casually sat on them. Well, Laban was on a mission to find them, so he searched every inch of the tent. But he couldn’t find them.
So she told her dad, “Please don’t be upset that I can’t get up in front of you, cause, you know, it’s that time of the month for me. And he looked around, but couldn’t find the stuff he was looking for.
Jacob got heated and started arguing with Laban: he said to Laban, ‘What did I do wrong? What sin did I commit that you’re coming after me so aggressively?’
So, you’ve gone through all my stuff, but what have you actually found that’s yours? Bring it here, right in front of everyone, so they can decide who it really belongs to.
Bruh, I’ve been by your side for a grip, like, twenty years straight. And guess what? Your sheep and goats haven’t had any miscarriages, and I haven’t even touched those rams from your flock. No cap.
I didn’t bring you any torn up animals, I took the loss myself. You demanded it from me, whether it was stolen during the day or at night.
Like, it was rough. I mean, during the day I was parched, like everything was dry and there was no water. And then at night, it was freezing, like frosty, you know? And on top of all that, I couldn’t sleep, man. It was rough.
So, like, I’ve spent, like, a whole two decades working for you, man. I mean, I hustled for, like, fourteen years justto marry your two daughters, and then another six years, like, taking care of your livestock. And, dude, you switched my pay, like, ten freaking times! Can you even believe it?
If it wasn’t for the God my dad, the God of Abraham, and the respect for Isaac, I would’ve been outta here with nothing. God saw the hard times I went through and the work I put in, and gave you a real talking-to last night.
Laban replied to Jacob, ‘Bro, these girls are mine, these kids are mine, and all these animals are mine too. So, what can I do today to bless them?
So, like, let’s make a deal, you and me. It’ll be, like, a special bond that shows we’re, you know, in this together.
So Jacob grabbed a stone and placed it there as a monument.
So Jacob said to his bros, ‘Yo, let’s gather some rocks.’ And they were like, ‘Sure, cool,’ and gathered rocks and made a big pile. Then, they all sat on the pile and had a chill meal together.
Laban named it Jegarsahadutha, but Jacob called it Galeed. (Jegarsahadutha means ‘heap of witness’ in Chaldee, while Galeed means ‘heap of witness’ in Hebrew.)
Laban was like, yo, this big pile of rocks is a legit witness between us today. So, we’re gonna call it Galeed, just so we remember this all happened.
And Mizpah, you know? ‘Cause like, I’m saying, may the LORD look out for us when we’re not together, you feel me? Mizpah, it’s like a symbol of being able to keep an eye out, like a beacon or a watchtower.
If you mess with my daughters or try to marry other women besides them, it’s just gonna be me and you, no one else. God is watching everything between us, no doubt about it.
Laban was like, ‘Yo, check out this dope stack of rocks and this sick pillar I set up between you and me, Jacob.’
Yo, check it. This pile right here, and this rock right here, they’re legit proof that I won’t trespass onto your turf, and you won’t come over to mine, with any ill intentions or negativity.
May the Supreme Being of Abraham and Nahor, the Supreme Being of their father, mediate between us. And Jacob solemnly affirmed by the reverence for his father Isaac.
So Jacob went ahead and made a big feast on the mountain, inviting all his peeps to come chill and grub with him. They had a good meal together and decided to crash there for the night on the mountain. #GoodVibesOnly
The next morning, Laban got up, gave his sons and daughters a goodbye kiss, and blessed them. Then Laban said his goodbyes and went back home.”

Genesis 32

So, like, Jacob was just vibing, doing his thing, when out of nowhere, he runs into some angels sent by God.
And Jacob peeps them angels and he’s like, “Whoa, this is like God’s squad right here!” So he names the spot Mahanaim, which means two crews or two camps.
Then Jacob slides into Esau’s DMs, his bro, who’s kicking it in Seir, the place where Edom was at.
He’s like, “Yo, hit up Esau, my dude, and be all respectful and stuff. Tell him, ‘Jacob, your bro, has been chilling at Laban’s pad for a hot minute, but now I’m rolling back, you know?’”
So, like, Jacob’s like, “I got oxen, asses, flocks, and a whole squad working for me, you know? Just keeping it real with you, hoping I can earn your respect and be cool with you.”
The messengers hit Jacob back with the 411: “Yo, we found your bro Esau, and guess what? He’s pulling up with a crew of four hundred dudes.”
Jacob starts freaking out and splits his crew into two, along with their flocks, herds, and camels.
He’s like, “If Esau tries to throw down with one crew, at least the other can dip out and live to tell the tale.”
Jacob’s like, “Yo, God, the same one my pops Abraham and Isaac worshipped, you know? Thanks for always having my back.”
“I’m beyond grateful for all the blessings and truth you’ve shown me. I started from the bottom, now I’m here, successful in two different areas of life. But I’m still humble, yo.”
“Please save me from my bro Esau, ’cause I’m low-key scared he’s gonna wreck me and the fam. No cap.”
And God’s like, “Don’t even trip, I got you. I’ll hook you up and make your fam as countless as sand on the beach.”
So, Jacob stays the night and grabs some gifts for Esau.
He hooks Esau up with 200 she goats, 20 he goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, you feel me?
Plus, 30 camels with their young, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 female donkeys, and 10 baby donkeys. Pretty lit, right?
Then he splits the animals among his peeps and tells them to keep it moving.
He’s like, “When Esau sees you, he’ll be like, ‘Who are you? Where you headed? And who’s rolling with you?’”
“So, be like, ‘These are gifts from your boy Jacob, heading your way. Oh, and just so you know, he’s trailing behind us.’”
Jacob’s like, “This is how you talk to Esau, alright?”
“And make sure Esau knows I’m coming through with a gift before I pull up, maybe then he’ll be cool with me, you know?”
So, Jacob sends the gifts ahead and spends the night with his crew.
Dude gets up in the middle of the night and takes his two wives, two serving women, and his eleven sons across the Jabbok.
He gets everyone across, along with all their stuff.
Then Jacob finds himself alone, and out of nowhere, some dude starts wrestling him.
They go at it until morning, but the other guy cheats and hits Jacob’s thigh, messing it up.
The dude’s like, “It’s morning, time to bounce.” But Jacob’s like, “Not until you bless me, bro.”
So the dude’s like, “What’s your name?” Jacob’s like, “I’m Jacob.”
And the dude’s like, “Not anymore, you’re Israel, ’cause you’re a straight-up prince with God and people. You won, bro.”
Jacob’s like, “What’s your name?” Dude’s like, “Why you wanna know?” But then he blesses Jacob anyway.
Jacob’s like, “This place is Peniel, ’cause I saw God face to face and lived to tell the tale.”
And as Jacob limps away, the sun rises over Penuel.
So, to this day, the Israelites don’t eat the sinew on the thigh, ’cause of what went down when Jacob got his thigh messed up.

Genesis 33

Yo, Jacob peeped Esau rolling up with a whole squad of 400 dudes. So, he split his crew, assigning some to Leah, some to Rachel, and some to the two maid servants.
He made sure the maid servants and their kids took the lead, then Leah and her squad, and Rachel with Joseph held it down at the back.
Then he stepped up, bowing down seven times till he was close to his bro, showing mad respect.
Esau dashed up, giving Jacob a bear hug, holding him tight, and dropping a heartfelt kiss on his cheek. Tears of joy were flowing, man.
Checking out the scene, Esau was like, “Who are these peeps with you?” And Jacob was like, “These are the blessings God hooked me up with.”
The maid servants came forward, bowing humbly with their kids.
Then Leah and her crew came through, showing respect, followed by Joseph and Rachel, paying their dues.
Esau was like, “Yo, what’s with all these animals?” And Jacob was like, “I brought them to score some points with you, bro.”
Esau was chill, telling Jacob to keep the gifts.
Jacob was like, “If you’re cool with me, please take this gift. Seeing you is like seeing God, man, and you’re vibing with me.”
“Bro, take this blessing I’m offering. God’s been good to me, and I’m all set. Seriously, take it.”
Jacob was like, “Let’s roll together, fam. I’ll lead the way.”
But Esau was like, “Bro, slow down. The young ones and animals can’t handle the hustle. We gotta pace it right.”
“Let me lead the way at a chill pace, making sure everyone’s good till we hit Seir. Gotta match their speed and stamina, you feel?”
Esau wanted some of his crew to roll with Jacob, but he was like, “Nah, bro. Just let me earn your favor.”
So Esau dipped, heading to Seir.
Jacob set up shop in Succoth, making a dope crib for himself and his animals, naming the place after it.
Then he hit up Shalem in Shechem, setting up camp just outside the city after his journey from Padanaram. (By the way, Shechem’s also called Sychem in Greek!)
Jacob copped some land where his tent was at, dropping a hundred lambs to the descendants of Hamor, Shechem’s pops. (Hamor’s also Emmor, and by “pieces of money,” they mean lambs.)
He threw up an altar, naming it Elelohe-Israel, meaning God, the God of Israel.

Genesis 34

So, Dinah, who was Leah’s daughter and Jacob’s child, decided to check out the local scene.
So, like, Shechem, this guy from the Hivite crew, who was, like, the big shot in that area, saw her and straight-up took her and hooked up with her, totally disrespecting her. (BTW, ‘defiled’ means, like, he humbled her, just saying.)
And he was really into Dinah, Jacob’s daughter. He had mad love for her and treated her with so much respect and affection.
So Shechem went to his dad Hamor and said, ‘Yo, hook me up with that girl as my wifey.’”
So, Jacob found out that someone had disrespected his daughter, Dinah. At that time, his sons were out in the field taking care of their animals. Jacob kept quiet about it until they came back.
So Hamor, Shechem’s dad, went to hang out with Jacob and have a chat.
And when Jacob’s boys came back from chilling outside and found out about it, they were really upset and mad. They couldn’t believe that this guy had done something so dumb as hooking up with Jacob’s daughter. That’s totally not cool and definitely not something you should do.
So Hamor was talking to them and he said, ‘My son Shechem is totally into your daughter. I hope you consider letting them get together.’”
So, like, let’s, you know, join families and have relationships. Give us your daughters and we’ll give you ours, you feel?
And you can totally live with us, and the land is yours to explore and settle in. Feel free to set up shop and make a living here, getting all the stuff you need.
And Shechem was like, yo, pops and bros, please chill with me and if you’re cool with me, I’ll hook you up with whatever you want.
If you want a big dowry or lots of gifts, just tell me what you want and I’ll give it, but all I ask in return is to marry the girl.
So, like, Jacob’s boys, they totally gave Shechem and Hamor, his dad, a fake response, you know? They were all upset ’cause Shechem had, like, disrespected their sister, Dinah:
And they told them, ‘Sorry, but we can’t do that. We can’t give our sister to someone who hasn’t been circumcised. It would bring shame upon us.’”
But here’s the deal, we’re cool with you, as long as you’re cool with us. If you’re down to do what we do, then all the guys among you gotta get circumcised, ya know?
So, like, we’ll totally hook you up with our daughters, and you can hook us up with your daughters, and we’ll chill together and become one big fam.
But if you guys don’t listen and get circumcised, then we’ll just leave with our daughter.
And what they said made Hamor and Shechem, Hamor’s son, pretty stoked.
And the young man didn’t hesitate to do it, because he really liked Jacob’s daughter. Plus, he was even more respected than anyone else in his father’s household.
So, Hamor and his son Shechem went to the city gate and had a chat with all the dudes in their city. They were like,
These dudes are chill with us, so let’s let them hang around in our hood and do business there. The land is big enough for all of us, you know? We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours, like a cool mix and match situation.
So, like, the deal is, these guys are cool with joining our squad and being one of us, but only if all of our dudes get circumcised, you know, like they are.
Yo, shouldn’t we, like, totally claim their livestock, their possessions, and all their animals as ours? We just gotta make a deal with them, and they’ll totally live among us, no problem.
So, like, all the dudes who lived in Hamor and Shechem’s city were totally down for what they had to say. And, get this, they all decided to get circumcised! Every single one of them, no joke.
So, like, on the third day, when they were super upset, Simeon and Levi, the brothers of Dinah, they grabbed their swords and straight up went to the city without fear, and like, they took out all the guys there.
So, they took out Hamor and Shechem’s son by going all in with their swords, snatched Dinah from Shechem’s place, and bounced.
The bros of Jacob found out what went down and looted the city as payback for what they did to their sis. No respect, man.
So, like, they gathered up all their sheep, oxen, and donkeys, along with everything they had in the city and in the fields.
And they captured all of their belongings, including their children, wives, and everything that was in their house.
Jacob was like, ‘Yo, Simeon and Levi, you totally messed things up! You made me look bad in front of the people in this land, the Canaanites and Perizzites. Because of your actions, they’re gonna gather up against me and my crew, and probably end up wiping us out!
And they were like, um, should he treat our sis like some kind of party girl?”

Genesis 35

Hey, Jacob, check it out! God was like, “Get up, head to Bethel, and set up shop there. Build an altar to give props to God, the one who had your back when you were dodging your bro, Esau.”
Jacob was like, “Yo, crew, listen up! We gotta ditch those shady gods you’ve been hiding. Time to cleanse ourselves and rock some fresh gear, you feel?”
So, let’s bounce to Bethel. There, I’m gonna build an altar for God, who totally rode with me through the rough times, every step of the way.
So they handed Jacob all their foreign gods and even those dope earrings they had. Jacob was on point; he stashed them under this oak tree by Shechem.
Then they dipped, and the whole vibe of God’s power hit the nearby cities, making them think twice about chasing Jacob’s crew.
Jacob rolled into Luz, aka Canaan or Bethel, with his squad.
He set up this sick altar and named the spot Elbethel, ’cause that’s where God came through when he was on the run from his bro. Elbethel means, like, the God of Bethel or something.
Sadly, Rebekah’s nurse, Deborah, passed away and was laid to rest under a beautiful oak near Bethel. They called it Allonbachuth, meaning ‘The oak of weeping,’ to honor her.
God showed up to Jacob once more after he left Padanaram, straight blessing him.
God was like, “Yo, from now on, you’re Israel, not Jacob. That’s your new vibe.” And he changed his name to Israel.
Then God dropped some truth: “I’m the almighty here. So, have mad kids, build a whole nation or two, and some legit kings are gonna come from your bloodline.”
God promised Jacob and his crew the land He gave to Abraham and Isaac. It’s gonna be their turf too.
God bounced after their chat.
Jacob set up this rad stone where he talked with God, pouring some fancy drink and oil on it, showing respect and thanks.
Jacob named the spot where God spoke to him Bethel.
They left Bethel and hit up Ephrath. Rachel was going through it, in intense labor.
While she was struggling, the midwife was like, “Chill, you got another son on the way.”
Rachel named him Benoni, ’cause of her sorrow, but Jacob changed it to Benjamin, ‘The son of the right hand.’
Rachel passed away and they buried her on the road to Ephrath, aka Bethlehem.
Jacob set up a monument on Rachel’s grave, still there today, Rachel’s monument.
They moved on and set up camp past the tower of Edar.
While living there, Reuben, Jacob’s son, got involved with Bilhah, his dad’s girl. Jacob found out, and it was a whole thing. By the way, Jacob had twelve sons:
Leah’s crew: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, and Zebulun.
Rachel’s boys: Joseph and Benjamin.
Rachel’s handmaid Bilhah had Dan and Naphtali.
Leah’s girl Zilpah’s kids were Gad and Asher. They were all born during Jacob’s time in Padanaram.
Jacob went to see his dad Isaac in Hebron, aka Mamre, where Abraham and Isaac hung out.
Isaac lived a crazy long life, hitting 180 years. Can you believe it?!
Isaac passed away peacefully, joining his ancestors. Esau and Jacob laid him to rest with respect.

Genesis 36

Alright, fam, let’s dive into the story of Esau, aka Edom. Check out his backstory, yo.
Esau hooked up with some Canaanite ladies. He tied the knot with Adah, Elon the Hittite’s daughter, and Aholibamah, Anah’s daughter and Zibeon the Hivite’s granddaughter.
Also, he was with Bashemath, Ishmael’s daughter and Nebajoth’s sister. (Just a heads up, Bashemath is also known as Mahalath.)
Adah and Esau’s kid was Eliphaz, while Bashemath had Reuel.
Aholibamah popped out Jeush, Jaalam, and Korah when they were chilling in Canaan.
Esau packed up his fam, pets, and gear, and bounced to dodge his bro Jacob. (FYI, “persons” in Hebrew means “souls.”)
Their crew got too big for their britches, and the land couldn’t handle it.
So Esau kicked it in Mount Seir, earning himself the title of Edom.
Esau was the OG who spawned the Edomites, living it up in Mount Seir. Oh, and in Hebrew, “Edomites” is just Edom.
Eliphaz, Adah’s kid, and Reuel, Bashemath’s kid, were Esau’s boys.
Eliphaz’s squad included Teman, Omar, Zepho (aka Zephi), Gatam, and Kenaz.
Eliphaz had a side thing with Timna, who birthed Amalek, another one of Adah’s kids.
Reuel’s posse was Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah, all from Bashemath.
Aholibamah, Anah’s daughter and Zibeon’s granddaughter, had Jeush, Jaalam, and Korah.
Eliphaz, the eldest, was the main dude, with Teman, Omar, Zepho, and Kenaz backing him up.
Duke Korah, duke Gatam, and duke Amalek were Eliphaz’s top dogs, sons of Adah.
Reuel’s crew, Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah, held it down in Edom. Bashemath, Esau’s wifey, was their mom.
Aholibamah, Esau’s wife, repped Jeush, Jaalam, and Korah, the leaders.
These were Esau’s descendants, AKA Edom, and their leaders.
Seir the Horite’s sons, Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, and Anah, kicked it in that hood.
Then Dishon, Ezer, and Dishan, big names among the Horites in Edom.
Lotan’s crew included Hori and Hemam, and his sis was Timna. Hemam also goes by Homam.
Shobal’s fam: Alvan, Manahath, Ebal, Shepho, and Onam. Alvan’s also called Alian, and Shepho’s got the nickname Shephi.
Zibeon’s offspring: Ajah and Anah. Anah found some cool mules while on donkey duty in the wild.
Anah’s crew: Dishon and Aholibamah, Anah’s daughter.
Dishon’s kids: Hemdan, Eshban, Ithran, and Cheran. Hemdan’s also known as Amram.
Ezer’s squad: Bilhan, Zaavan, and Akan (aka Jakan).
Dishan’s descendants: Uz and Aran.
These cats were the big names among the Horites: Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, and Anah.
Duke Dishon, duke Ezer, and duke Dishan were the big shots among the Horites, kicking it in Seir.
Before any Israelite kings, there were rulers in Edom, ya know?
Bela, Beor’s kid, held it down in Edom, repping Dinhabah.
Bela passed, and Jobab, Zerah’s son from Bozrah, took over.
Jobab bounced, and Husham from Temani took his spot.
Husham bounced too, and Hadad, Bedad’s son, snagged the crown, crushing the Midianites in Moab. His spot? Avith.
Hadad left the scene, and Samlah from Masrekah stepped up.
Samlah’s time ended, and Saul from Rehoboth took the throne.
Saul bounced, and Baalhanan, Achbor’s kid, stepped up.
Baalhanan passed, and Hadar took over, holding it down in Pau, married to Mehetabel, Matred’s daughter and Mezahab’s granddaughter. After Hadar, things took a different turn.
These cool kids from Esau’s squad repped their fams and turf: Timnah, Alvah (aka Aliah), and Jetheth, bringing serious style.
Aholibamah was in the mix, along with Elah and Pinon, legends in the game.
Duke Kenaz, Duke Teman, and Duke Mibzar were holding it down.
Duke Magdiel and duke Iram were top dogs in Edom, doing their thing. Esau, the Edomite dad, was in charge. (Just so you know, the Edomites rep Edom.)

Genesis 37

So Jacob was kickin’ it in Canaan, where his dad was just passin’ through.
Yo, peep this, here’s the scoop on Jacob’s fam. Joseph, who was just a seventeen-year-old dude, was hangin’ with his bros, takin’ care of the flock. He was chillin’ with his stepmoms’ sons, Bilhah and Zilpah. And one day, Joseph spills the beans to his pops about the shady stuff they were pullin’.
Israel was totally vibin’ with Joseph and showed him mad love, ’cause he was his fave and was born when Israel was gettin’ up there in age. He even hooked Joseph up with this sick coat, decked out in all sorts of rad colors.
When his sibs peeped that their dad was all about Joseph, they straight-up hated him and couldn’t even have a decent convo with him.
So Joseph had this dream, and he decided to spill the tea to his bros. But instead of bein’ hyped about it, they got even more salty and started hatin’ on him even harder.
Yo, listen up, squad! Check this dream I had, a’ight?
So, picture this, I’m out in the field, bundlin’ up the wheat. And boom, my bundle stands tall and proud. And guess what? Your bundles gather ’round and bow down to mine!
And his sibs were like, seriously, you think you’re gonna boss us around? And they hated him even more ’cause he kept talkin’ ’bout his dreams.
So, like, Joseph had another dream and he’s all like, ‘Yo fam, listen up! I had this wild dream where the sun, moon, and eleven stars were bowin’ down to me.’”
So he spills it to his fam, and his dad ain’t too thrilled. He’s like, ‘What’s up with this dream? You think me, your mom, and your sibs are gonna bow down to you? Seriously?’
And his sibs were totally jelly, but his dad was takin’ notes.
So his squad heads to Shechem to take care of their dad’s animals.
Israel’s like, ‘Yo Joseph, ain’t your bros supposed to be chillin’ with the flock in Shechem? Go check up on ’em, I’ll send you over.’ Joseph’s like, ‘For sure, here I am.’
Yo, listen up! He told him, ‘Hey, can you check on your bros and the flock? Let me know what’s good.’ So he bounces from Hebron and heads to Shechem. You feel me?
So this dude finds him wanderin’ in the field and asks, ‘Hey, what you lookin’ for?’
And he’s like, yo, where my bros at? Can you tell me where they chill with their flocks?
The dude’s like, ‘Bro, they bounced! Heard ’em sayin’, ‘Let’s hit up Dothan.’” So Joseph’s like, ‘Bet,’ and heads to Dothan.
When they spot him from afar, they start schemin’ to straight-up kill him.
And they’re like, here comes the dream expert, let’s do somethin’ about it, like toss him in a pit and see what happens to his dreams.
Reuben’s like, nah, let’s not kill him.
And Reuben’s like, ‘Yo, don’t kill him, just chuck him in this random pit and don’t touch him! Plan is to save him and reunite him with dad.’
So, Joseph rolls up and they strip him of his sick rainbow coat. It was pretty fly, no cap.
Then they toss him in a pit, and guess what? Dry as a bone, not a drop of water.
So they’re chillin’, ’bout to munch on some bread, when they see a crew of Ishmeelites rollin’ through with camels loaded with spices, balm, and myrrh, headed to Egypt.
Judah’s like, what’s the point of killin’ our bro and hidin’ the evidence?
Let’s sell him to the Ishmeelites instead.
So these Midianite merchants spot Joseph in the pit and decide to cash in, sellin’ him to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver. Off they go, takin’ Joseph to Egypt.
Reuben comes back, but Joseph’s gone!
Reuben’s freakin’ out, torn clothes and all.
So he tells his buds, ‘The kid’s gone! What now?’
They grab Joseph’s coat, kill a baby goat, dip the coat in blood.
Then they take the bloody coat to their dad, like, ‘Yo, check this out. Confirm if it’s your son’s swag.’
Jacob’s like, ‘That’s my son’s coat; some beast got him.’
Jacob mourns for his son big time.
His homies try to comfort him, but he’s not havin’ it. He’s stayin’ sad ’til he joins his son in the afterlife.
So, the Midianites sell Joseph to this dude named Potiphar in Egypt, head of Pharaoh’s guard. This guy was top dog. And just so you know, ‘officer’ can mean eunuch, but also includes high-ranking peeps like chamberlains and courtiers. And ‘captain of the guard’ can also mean chief marshal or chief of the executioners. Pretty heavy, huh?

Genesis 38

So, there was this moment when Judah bounced from his bros and rolled up to this Adullamite dude named Hirah.
Judah peeped this Canaanite girl named Shuah and decided to get close and personal with her.
And she got preggers and popped out a son, and Judah named him Er.
Then she got knocked up again and had another son, and she named him Onan.
After that, she had one more son and named him Shelah. Born in Chezib.
Judah found a match for his oldest son, Er, and her name was Tamar.
But Er was all about doing shady stuff, so the Big Guy upstairs took him out.
Judah was like, ‘Hey Onan, bro, go do your duty and marry your brother’s widow so we can keep the family line going.’
But Onan wasn’t down with that, so he pulled a shady move to avoid fathering kids for his bro.
That didn’t sit well with the Big Guy, so he took Onan out too.
Judah told Tamar, ‘Hang tight at your dad’s crib until my son Shelah grows up, ’cause I’m worried he might meet the same fate as his brothers.’ So Tamar chilled at her old man’s pad.
After a while, Shuah’s daughter, Judah’s wife, kicked the bucket. Judah mourned but eventually got back on his feet and headed to Timnath with his buddy Hirah to check on his sheep and handle some business.
Tamar heard Judah was headed to Timnath to shear his sheep.
She switched out of her widow gear, threw on a veil, and posted up by the road to Timnath, ’cause she noticed Shelah was all grown but still single. (This spot was called the Door of Eyes or Enajim.)
When Judah saw her, he figured she was a lady of the night ’cause of the veil.
He hit her up on the way and was like, ‘Hey, wanna hang?’ (Not knowing she was his daughter-in-law.) And she was like, ‘What’s in it for me?’
He was like, ‘I’ll hook you up with a cute baby goat from my flock.’ And she was like, ‘Hold up, can I get something upfront as a guarantee?’ (By the way, ‘kid’ means baby goat.)
Judah was like, ‘What can I give you?’ And she said, ‘Give me your ring, bracelets, and staff.’ So he handed ’em over, they hooked up, and bam! She got preggers.
Then she bounced, changed clothes, and went back to mourning attire.
Judah sent his buddy to find the girl and grab his stuff, but she was nowhere to be found.
So he asked around, but no one knew who she was.
He went back to Judah like, ‘Couldn’t find her.’ And the locals were like, ‘Nope, no ladies like that around here.’
Judah was like, ‘Whatever, let her keep it. Don’t wanna look bad.’
After about three months, word got to Judah that Tamar was preggers. He was ready to dish out some punishment, maybe even burn her.
But when she had the baby, she sent a message to Judah, like, ‘Guess what, guess who?’ And she was like, ‘Recognize this bling? Your ring, bracelets, and staff?’
Judah was like, ‘Yeah, she’s in the right. I didn’t give her to Shelah. And I ain’t hookin’ up with her again.’
When it was time to deliver, surprise! Twins!
As one was being born, it reached out a hand, and the midwife tied a red thread around it, saying, ‘This one’s first.’
But then the other one popped out, and she was like, ‘Whoa, how’d you break out first?’ So they named him Pharez, which means ‘breaking out.’
The other one had the red thread, so they called him Zarah.

Genesis 39

So, like, Joseph got whisked off to Egypt, ya know? And get this, Potiphar, this big shot working for Pharaoh, who’s like the top dog, and is in charge of the guards—yeah, he’s Egyptian, by the way—copped him from those Ishmeelites who brought Joseph down there. Wild, right?
God was totally vibing with Joseph, and he was straight-up thriving. He was living the high life in his master’s crib, which happened to be in Egypt.
And his boss peeped that God was on Joseph’s side, making everything he did a success.
Joseph was like blessed in his boss’s eyes, so he worked for him, and his boss gave him a major promotion, making him head honcho of the crib. He trusted Joseph with everything he owned.
So, like, when Joseph got put in charge of everything in Potiphar’s house, the whole place blew up, all thanks to God’s blessing. Seriously, everything Joseph touched, both in the house and out in the fields, was dripping with God’s favor.
This dude put his full trust in Joseph, not sweating anything except the grub he ate. Joseph was, you know, a real looker.
After all this went down, his boss’s wife started eyeing Joseph up and straight-up said, ‘Wanna hook up?’
But he was like, nah, and he told his master’s wife, look, my boss doesn’t even know what’s going on with me in the house, and he’s put me in charge of everything he’s got;
Yo, I’m running the show in this crib, and my boss has put me in charge of everything except you, ’cause you’re his wifey. So why would I even think about doing this messed up stuff and disrespecting God?
She kept on trying, but Joseph didn’t give in or chill with her.
So, like, one day, Joseph went into the house to handle his business, and, like, none of the other guys were around.
Then she grabbed his clothes and said, ‘Hook up with me!’ But he bolted, leaving his clothes behind.
So, like, she noticed he ditched his clothes with her and, you know, bounced,
So, she rounded up her squad and spilled the tea, like, yo, check it – this guy brought in a Hebrew dude to clown us. He tried to get all up in my business, but I straight-up yelled, you feel me?
And then, when he heard me going off, he quickly ditched his clothes with me and took off.
And she held onto his threads until her husband came home.
So she told him, ‘Hey, listen up. Remember that Hebrew servant you brought here? Well, he came into my space and started disrespecting me.’
So, like, I was just speaking my mind, and then he dipped, leaving his clothes behind.
So, when her husband heard what she said, accusing his servant, he got heated.
So, Joseph’s boss tossed him into prison, where all the king’s prisoners stayed. And yup, he stayed there in the clink.
But yo, God had Joseph’s back, showing him mad love and kindness, and the prison guard was all about him. It was lit, man.
The prison warden put Joseph in charge of all the other prisoners, and he ran the show there.
The guard didn’t stress about a thing because God had Joseph’s back, making everything he did a success.

Genesis 40

So, like, after all that went down, the king of Egypt got mega ticked at two of his top guys—the head bartender and the head baker.
And Pharaoh was fuming at these two officers of his.
So, he chucks them into the clink at the captain of the guard’s house, the same joint where Joseph was stuck.
Joseph gets put in charge of them by the big boss, and he helps them out. They kick it together for a while, locked down.
So, one night, they both have these dreams, you know? They’re chilling in the Egyptian king’s jail and all.
Next morning, Joseph spots them looking down.
And he’s like, ‘Yo, why the long faces today, squad?’ And they’re like, ‘We had these crazy dreams, but there’s nobody to explain ’em.’ And Joseph is like, ‘Bro, doesn’t interpretation come from God? Lay it on me, if you could, please.’
So, the head butler spills his dream to Joseph, like, ‘Dude, I had this dream with this massive vine.’”
“So, like, there were three branches, and they were all budding and blooming, and then these bunches of grapes popped up, ripe and ready to devour.
So, I had Pharaoh’s cup, right? And I squeezed those grapes into it, then gave it back to Pharaoh.
Joseph breaks it down, ‘Listen up, fam. Those three branches mean three days.
In three days, Pharaoh’s gonna clock your skills and put you back on your butler grind. You’ll even be serving Pharaoh his cup, just like before.
But yo, when things are looking up, do me a favor and remember me, show some love, and maybe put in a good word for me with Pharaoh. I’m trying to bounce from this place, you feel?
So, like, I was kidnapped from Hebrew land, and honestly, I didn’t do anything to deserve this dungeon life.
Then, the head baker sees Joseph’s interpretation was on point and he’s like, ‘Yo, Joseph, I had a dream too, man. Three sick white baskets on my head—white meaning full of holes, you know?’
So, the top basket had all this Pharaoh grub, and, get this, birds come and chow down on it, right off my head. It was like their buffet, you know?
Joseph’s like, ‘I got you, man. So, those three baskets mean three days, my dude.’
In three days, Pharaoh’s gonna be like, ‘You’re out, man!’ and, like, hang you on a tree for everyone to see. Then birds are gonna swoop in and feast on your flesh. Just saying.
So, on the third day, it’s Pharaoh’s birthday, and he throws this epic bash for his peeps. At the party, he calls out the head butler and head baker from his crew.
And he totally restores the main butler, like, gives him his job back and even lets him handle Pharaoh’s cup, no lie.
But yo, Joseph’s interpretation was spot-on, and the chief baker gets the axe, hung.
But, like, the head butler totally blanks on Joseph, doesn’t even remember him at all.”

Genesis 41

So, after two whole years went by, Pharaoh had this dream. And get this, he was chilling by the riverbank.
So, like, these really good-looking and beefy cows came out of the river and started munching on some grass in a meadow.
Then, like, seven more cows rolled up, but these ones were looking sickly and skinny. They just stood there by the riverbank next to the other cows.
And those sickly, skinny cows straight-up ate the seven good-looking, beefy cows. Pharaoh wakes up, like, what the heck?
So, he nods off again and has another dream: Seven ears of corn pop up on one stalk, looking plump and fresh.
Then, like, seven wimpy ears dried up from the east wind sprouted right after them.
So, these seven scrawny ears totally chomp down on the seven plump and good-looking ears. And then Pharaoh wakes up, realizing it was all just a dream.
Next morning, he’s freaking out, so he gathers all the magicians and wise folks of Egypt. He tells them about his dream, but sadly, none of them can make sense of it.
Then the head butler steps up and says to Pharaoh, ‘Yo, I just remembered something, my bad.’
Pharaoh gets super mad at his dudes and throws me and the top baker dude into the captain of the guard’s crib:
So, we’re just chilling one night, and both of us have these wild dreams. And they’re totally different, you know?
So, this cool Hebrew dude, who’s a servant for the captain of the guard, he’s with us. We tell him our dreams, and he straight up decodes them for each of us.
So, he totally nails it with the interpretation, and it turns out to be true, man. He hooks me back up with my important gig, and, unfortunately, the other guy gets the boot.
So Pharaoh calls up Joseph, and they yank him out of jail real quick. He cleans up, gets a fresh trim, switches up his fit, and goes to meet Pharaoh.
Pharaoh’s like, ‘Yo Joseph, I had this crazy dream but nobody can make sense of it. But I heard you’re a pro at interpreting dreams. Like, you got that gift, you know? So if you hear a dream, you can totally break it down.’
Joseph’s like, ‘It’s not really up to me, you know? God’s got this, and He’ll totally give you a chill and peaceful answer, man.’
So Pharaoh’s like, ‘Yo Joseph, listen up, I had this dream by the riverbank:’
So, there were these seven cows that came out of the river, and dang, they were thicc and looking fly. They went to chow down in a lush field.
And, like, woah, seven more cows showed up, man, and they were like, totally skinny and ugly and sickly-looking, like I’ve never seen anything so messed up in Egypt, dude.
So, like, the skinny and ugly cows totally chowed down on the first seven plump cows:
And after they devoured, it was like, impossible to tell that they had actually eaten them; but they still looked totally uncool, just like before. Then I woke up, man.
So, in my dream, I saw something pretty crazy – like, imagine this: there was this stalk, right? And hanging from it were these seven ears that were, like, perfect and totally awesome!
Yo, peep this: seven ears popped up, but they were all withered, thin, and straight up wrecked by the east wind. Like, they were smaller and shriveled, you know?
Then the skinny ears ate the seven good ears, and I explained this to the magicians, but no one could tell me what it meant.
So Joseph tells Pharaoh, both of Pharaoh’s dreams mean the same thing: God revealed to Pharaoh what’s gonna happen soon.
So like, the seven healthy cows represent seven years, and the seven good ears of corn also represent seven years. It’s like, the dream is all about the same thing, you know?
So, like, those seven skinny and unattractive cows that appeared after the other ones, they represent seven years, you know? And those seven dried-up ears of corn messed up by the east wind, they’re like a sign of seven years of major famine.
So, this is what I’ve told Pharaoh: God is gonna make it crystal clear to him about what He’s gonna do.
Yo, check it out! So, like, for the next seven years, Egypt’s gonna totally be lit with plenty of everything all over the place, ya know?
And then, like, after that, there’s gonna be seven years of straight-up famine, fam. Like, everyone’s gonna forget about all the abundance and goodness in Egypt, ’cause this famine is gonna straight-up devour the whole land.
And there won’t be any abundance in the land because of that intense famine; it’s gonna be truly tough. Like, super heavy and serious.
And the reason the dream came to Pharaoh twice is because God is totally behind it and He’s gonna make it happen real soon. God’s got it all planned out!
So like, Pharaoh needs to find someone who’s really smart and clever, and put them in charge of Egypt, you know?
Yo, Pharaoh should totally get on this move and like, hire some managers to take charge of the land. And during the seven years of plenty, he should like, claim a fifth of Egypt’s land for real.
Yo, make sure to stock up on all the grub during the years when everything is going great. Store up that corn for Pharaoh and stash away food in the cities.
And that food will be saved for the land during the seven years of famine that will happen in Egypt, so that the land doesn’t get messed up by the famine. (Mess up…: Hebrew, not get cut off)
Pharaoh and all his homies were totally vibin’ with it.
And Pharaoh was like, guys, you gotta admit, this dude is something special. I mean, where else can we find someone with such incredible skills and, like, a true connection to the divine?
Pharaoh was like, ‘Yo Joseph, God has totally given you all this insight and you are straight up the most clever and wise person we’ve got around here:’
You’re gonna be the boss of my crib, and all my peeps will do as you say, no doubt. Only when it comes to the throne, I’ll have a higher rank than you.
So Pharaoh’s like, yo Joseph, check it, I’ve made you the big boss of all Egypt.
So Pharaoh, like, removed his own ring from his hand and totally placed it on Joseph’s hand, and dressed him up in really sleek and stylish clothes made of fine linen. He even put a cool gold chain around Joseph’s neck; it was like, super fancy, you know? (Fine linen can also mean silk, just FYI).
Then he let him ride in the swaggy second chariot he had, and everyone was like, ‘Yo, show respect and bow down!’ And he made him the ultimate boss of all Egypt. ‘Respect, Father’ was his new name, ya feel?
Pharaoh was like, hey Joseph, just so you know, I’m Pharaoh, and nobody in Egypt can do anything without you. Like, no one can even lift a finger or take a step without your say-so.
Pharaoh was like, ‘Yo, Joseph, your new name is Zaphnathpaaneah,’ and he hooked him up with Asenath, who was the daughter of Potipherah, the priest of On. Then Joseph became the real deal and had authority all over Egypt. Fun fact: Zaphnathpaaneah means ‘A revealer of secrets’ or ‘The man to whom secrets are revealed’ in Coptic.
So, Joseph was like, thirty years old when he straight-up stood in front of Pharaoh, the king of Egypt. And then Joseph left Pharaoh’s presence and went all over Egypt, checking things out.
During the seven years of plenty, the earth was totally slaying the game with its abundance of crops.
And he like, collected all the grub, like the total eats of the seven years, that were in Egypt, and stashed it in the cities. He made sure to store the crops from all the fields surrounding each city in the same way.
Joseph snagged an insane amount of corn, like more than you could ever fathom, until he straight up lost count; like seriously, it was endless!
Before the famine went down, Joseph had two sons. Asenath, the daughter of Potipherah who was a priest in the city of On, gave birth to them.
And Joseph gave his firstborn son the name Manasseh, because he believed that God has helped him move past all the struggles and troubles he faced, as well as the burden of his family’s past. Manasseh means ‘Forgetting’.
And the second one, he named Ephraim. Why? Because God blessed me with prosperity even during the hard times in this place that has brought me suffering. Ephraimm means ‘Fruitful’, if you were wondering.)
And the amazing abundance that happened in Egypt for seven years finally came to an end.
And yeah, the seven years of like, severe shortage began to happen, just like Joseph predicted. And this shortage was happening everywhere, like all over the world. But in Egypt specifically, they had bread and were not affected.
So, like, when Egypt was totally out of food, everyone was freaking out and begging Pharaoh for bread. And Pharaoh was all like, ‘Yo, just go to Joseph and do whatever he tells you to do, alright?’
So, like there was a really big famine going on everywhere, even in Egypt. And guess what? Joseph was like, ‘Yo, let’s open up all the storehouses and start selling food to the Egyptians.’ But dang, the famine got even worse in Egypt.
So, like, all these countries were totally coming to Egypt, you know, to get some of that grain from Joseph. The famine was hitting hard, man, like, every single land was experiencing it.”

Genesis 42

So, Jacob peeped that Egypt had mad corn, and he was like, ‘Yo, sons, why y’all just standing there staring at each other?’
And he was like, ‘Yo, I heard Egypt’s got that mad corn. So, y’all should totally head down there and cop some for us, you know? That way, we won’t starve and die.’
So, Joseph’s ten brothers dipped down to Egypt to score some corn.
But Jacob was like, ‘Nah, Benjamin, Joseph’s bro, ain’t rollin’ with y’all. I’m worried something bad might happen to him.’
So, the Israelites hit up the peeps in Egypt for some grain ’cause there was a major famine back in Canaan.
So, Joseph was totally running the show, selling stuff to everyone. And then his brothers pull up and straight-up bow down to him, faces on the ground and all.
Joseph peeped his brothers and knew ’em, but he acted like he didn’t and spoke harshly, asking, ‘Where y’all from?’ They’re like, ‘Canaan, just here for food.’
Joseph knew his brothers, but they didn’t recognize him.
So, Joseph remembered his dreams about ’em and straight up accused them of being spies, checking out the land in secret!
They’re like, ‘Nah, bro. We’re just here for food, not causing trouble.’
We’re just regular dudes, bro. Seriously, we ain’t lying or anything, we’re your loyal homies, not spies.
And Joseph’s like, ‘Nah, bro, you’re here to scope out the land.’
So, there’s twelve of us, bros, all sons of this one dude from Canaan. And, yo, the youngest dude’s chilling with our pops today, but one of us ain’t here, man.
Joseph’s like, ‘Yo, remember when I said you guys were spies? That’s what’s up.’
Alright, here’s the deal: Y’all ain’t leaving unless your little bro rolls through, I swear on Pharaoh’s life.
Yo, send one of y’all to get your brother. Meanwhile, the rest of y’all getting locked up so we can see if you’re telling the truth or if y’all some spies. Swear on Pharaoh’s life!
And he kept them locked up for three days.
On the third day, Joseph’s like, ‘Listen up. If you wanna keep living, do this, coz I respect and fear God.’
If y’all are real ones, have one of your squad be locked up while the rest grab food for the fam back home:
But bring your youngest bro, then you’ll prove you ain’t lying, and you won’t get in trouble. And they actually did it, no cap.
So, they’re talking, being honest, saying they messed up big time with their bro. They saw his pain, but ignored it. Now, they’re facing trouble.
Reuben’s like, ‘Didn’t I tell y’all not to mess with the kid? But y’all didn’t listen! Now, his blood’s on your hands.’
And they didn’t know Joseph understood ’em, ’cause he was speaking through an interpreter.
Then he turned away, tears flowing. After a sec, he went back, took Simeon, and tied him up before their eyes.
So Joseph’s like, ‘Yo, fill their bags with corn, put their money back, and give ’em food for the journey.’ And that’s what he did.
They loaded up and bounced.
One of them peeped his bag at the inn, saw his money. Yeah, it was right there.
He’s like, ‘Yo, my money’s back!’ They’re shook, asking, ‘What’s God doing to us?’
So, they tell their pops Jacob everything. They’re like,
‘This dude, boss of the land, came at us harsh, calling us spies. He didn’t hold back at all…
And we’re like, ‘Bro, we ain’t spies, just honest dudes.’
So, there’s twelve of us, all from the same pops. But one ain’t here, and the youngest is with our pops.
The boss said, ‘This is how I know if you’re legit. Leave one bro here, take food back, then bring your little bro.’
‘And if y’all ain’t undercover, bring your bro. Then I’ll know you’re legit.’
When they empty their bags, they find their cash. They and Jacob freak.
Jacob’s like, ‘Y’all took my kids! Joseph’s gone, Simeon’s gone, and now you want Benjamin? It feels like everything’s against me.’
Reuben tells him, ‘Dad, if I don’t bring him back, you can end my two bros. Trust me, hand him over, and I’ll bring him back.’
Jacob’s like, ‘Nah, son can’t roll. His bro died, he’s all alone. If anything happens, it’ll crush me.’

Genesis 43

And there was, like, a super intense famine all over the place.
So, when they finished munching on all the corn they got from Egypt, their dad was like, ‘Hey, go back and grab us some more grub, alright? Just a little bit.’
So Judah was like, ‘Dude, this guy straight up said, ‘I ain’t gonna show my face unless your bro’s with you.’ He wasn’t playing around, man.
Yo, if we can bring our bro, we’re down to roll and snag some food for you:
But, like, if you don’t let us bring him, we’re totally out: ’cause the dude said we won’t see his face unless your bro’s with you, you dig?
Israel was like, ‘Yo, why’d you have to spill the beans about my bro to the man?
So, like, this guy hit us up with some serious questions about our fam, you know? He was all like, ‘Is your dad still alive? You got another bro?’ And we kept it real with him, you know? But like, how were we supposed to know he’d be like, ‘Bring your bro’? Major plot twist!
So Judah was like, ‘Yo Dad, let the boy roll with us. We gotta bounce and survive, so that all of us, including you and the little ones, can stay alive.’
I got his back, you can count on me. If I don’t bring him back, it’s on me forever.
If we hadn’t chilled for so long, we’d be back here again already. It’s like, round two ’cause of this.
Yo, peep this, fam! Israel, their dad, was like, ‘Alright, here’s the deal: Y’all pack the finest fruits we got, stuff ’em in your bags, and take ’em to that dude. And yo, bring him a little gift too, like a small jar of balm, some honey, spices, myrrh, and also some nuts and almonds.’
And double up the cash; and don’t forget the money that was returned last time; maybe it was a mistake:
Yo, grab your bro and let’s bounce. Time to link up with that dude again.
And may God make the man chill, so he’ll let your other bro and Benjamin go. If I lose my kids, so be it.
So the guys packed the gift, doubled the cash, and took Benjamin. They rolled out, headed to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
And when Joseph saw Benjamin, he told his crib’s ruler, ‘Yo, bring these guys back and fix ’em some grub, ’cause we dining together at noon. Cook up something tasty!’
So the dude did as Joseph said and brought the guys to his crib.
The guys were shook when they got to Joseph’s crib. They were like, ‘Yo, we got set up! Remember that cash last time? Now he’s gonna use that to accuse us, come after us, and make us his slaves, along with our donkeys. ’
So they hit up Joseph’s crib’s manager and had a chat by the entrance.
And we’re like, ‘Yo, we came all the way down here just to grab some grub, you feel me? We were starving, man.
So, when we hit the inn, we opened our bags, and bam, everyone’s money was still there. No missing cash.
And we brought some extra dough too, but honestly, we have no clue how the money got back in our bags, it’s a total mystery!
And he’s like, ‘Yo guys, chill! Your God, and your pops’ God, hooked you up with some sick cash. Oh, and I accidentally took your money, but no biggie. And Simeon’s back too. Lit! (BTW, that ‘your money came to me’ part, yeah it means I accidentally took your cash.)
So the guy brought ’em to Joseph’s crib, gave ’em water to freshen up and washed their feet. And he hooked up food for their donkeys too.
And they prepped the gift for when Joseph arrived at noon, ’cause they heard they’d be lunching together.
So, when Joseph got back, they gave him the gift, bowed down before him, like, right to the ground.
And he’s like, ‘Hey, what’s good, y’all? Is your dad alright? You know, the old man you were talking about? Is he still kicking it?’
And they’re like, ‘Yo, pops is doing real well, still alive and kicking.’ So they bowed down, showing respect.
Then he saw Benjamin, his mom’s kid, and asked, ‘Yo, is this the lil bro you were telling me about?’ And they’re like, ‘May God bless you, bro.’
And Joseph felt deep for his bro, rushed off to cry, found a spot, and let it out.
Then he freshened up, headed out, controlled himself, and called for food.
And they made separate meals for him, the Israelites, and the Egyptians ’cause it wasn’t cool for Egyptians to eat bread with the Hebrews; it wasn’t their vibe.
And they all sat down, with the oldest ones sitting first, and the youngest ones sitting by their age. And they were all amazed.
And he hooked them up with some seriously good food from his table: but Benjamin got five times more than anyone else. And they ate and had a lit time together.”

Genesis 44

Then he told his house manager, ‘Yo, go load up their bags with grub, like, as much as they can handle, and slip each dude’s cash back in their bags. Keep it low-key, though. You feel me?’
And like, Joseph was all, ‘Yo, stash my fancy silver cup in the youngest bro’s sack, you know. And also, toss his cash for the grub in there too.’ So, the dude did exactly what Joseph said, no cap.
When it started getting bright in the morning, they let the guys and their donkeys dip.
So, like, after they bounced from the city but weren’t too far, Joseph told his assistant, ‘Dude, go catch up to those guys. And when you catch ’em, ask why they’re being sketchy after we’ve been good to ’em?’
Umm, bro, isn’t this the same cup that my lord, like, sips from and uses to, you know, get insights? By doing this, you guys have totally messed up and done something wrong, for real. (Or you could say, ‘By doing this, you guys have straight up made a bad move.’)”
And he caught up to them and started laying down the same spiel.
And they were like, why’s our dude saying that? No way, we can’t go along with this:
Yo, check it! We totally brought back that cash we found in our bags, all the way from Canaan. So why would we even think of jacking your lord’s silver or gold from his crib?
If any of your servants are found to have done this, they should face serious consequences, and we will willingly serve and obey you, my lord.
And he was like, okay, I’ll do what you say. The person who has it will be my servant, and you all will be innocent.
So, like, they all quickly brought down their sacks to the ground and opened them up, you know?
So he looked through all of their bags, starting with the oldest and ending with the youngest. And guess what? The cup was discovered in Benjamin’s bag!
So they’re like, totally in shock, tearing their clothes and loading their ride, and all head back to the city.
So Judah and his squad pulled up to Joseph’s crib, ’cause he was still chillin’ there. And they all showed mad respect by bowing down before him like on the low.
And Joseph was like, yo, what’s the deal with what you guys did? Don’t you know that I can totally figure things out like a boss? Like, seriously, did you even think about that?
And Judah was like, ‘Yo, what’s good, my lord? What should we even say? How can we defend ourselves? God’s totally exposed our wrongdoings. Check it, we’re here as your servants, both us and the dude who has the cup.’
And he was like, nah fam, I ain’t gonna do that. But the person who has the cup, they gonna be my servant. And as for y’all, you can peace out and go back to your pops without any worries.
So, Judah went up to him and was like, ‘Hey, dude, can I like, whisper something in your ear without you getting all ticked off? ‘Cause you’re totally in charge, just like Pharaoh.’
So, the bossman asked his crew, like, yo, ya’ll got a pops or a bro?
So, like, we told my dude, ‘Yo, our dad is, like, super old and we have this little sibling who was born when our dad was, like, way past his prime, ya know? And it sucks, man, ’cause our other bro died and now he’s the only one left from our mom, and our dad totally adores him.
And you told your crew, bring him over to me, so I can check him out with my own eyes.
And we were like, yo bro, the homie can’t bounce without his old man. ‘Cause if he leaves, his old man would straight up kick the bucket.
And you told your crew, unless your little bro joins the squad, you won’t see me again.
And when we finally reached my father’s place, we shared with him the message from my boss.
So our dad’s like, yo, go get us some munchies, man.
And we were like, bro, we can’t go down there without our youngest brother, you know? No way! We can’t even see the dude’s face unless our youngest brother is with us, man.
So, my dad, being all cool and chill, was like, ‘Yo, my peeps, y’all know that my wifey gave birth to two dope sons, right?’
Then they left my side, and I thought for sure they were completely lost. But from that moment on, I never laid eyes on them again.
And if you also snatch this away from me, and something bad happens to him, you’ll make me really sad and sorrowful till the end of my days.
So, like, when I go back to my dad and the kid ain’t with us, and, like, his whole life depends on the kid’s life;
So basically, if dad sees that the boy ain’t with us, he’s gonna die. And us, the servants, we’re gonna make dad so sad that he’ll go all gray and down to the grave.
So, like, I promised my dad that I’d take responsibility for the kid, ya know? I told him, ‘If I don’t bring him back to you, then I’ll forever be held accountable by you, pops.’
So like, listen, can you do me a solid favor? Can I be the one to take this guy’s place and serve you like a loyal servant, and let this guy go hang with his bros?
Like, how am I supposed to face my dad if the homie ain’t with me? I don’t wanna witness the bad stuff that can happen to my old man.

Genesis 45

So, Joseph couldn’t hold it in anymore, and he was like, “Guys, can y’all bounce for a sec?” And once the room cleared out, he was finally like, “Guess what, y’all? I’m Joseph, your long-lost bro!”
And he straight up started bawling, tears flowing like a river. Everyone in Egypt, even Pharaoh and his crew, could hear him sobbing.
So Joseph rolls up to his brothers like, “Sup, it’s your boy, Joseph! How’s pops doing?” But his bros were shook, couldn’t even speak, just staring in disbelief.
So, like, Joseph sees his brothers and is all, “Yo, come here, let’s chat.” And they’re like, “Okay, cool.” Then he drops the bomb like, “Remember when y’all ditched me and sent me to Egypt? Yeah, that was me.”
So, like, don’t beat yourselves up over selling me out, ’cause God had my back. He sent me here to save lives and stuff. No hard feelings, okay?
So, for the past two years, there’s been this major famine, and get this, it’s gonna last five more years! Can you believe it? No crops, no harvest, nada. It’s gonna be rough.
God sent me ahead to make sure you guys have a future and to save your lives. He wanted to keep a crew of you safe and sound, you know?
Listen up, fam, it wasn’t you who sent me here, but God himself. He put me in charge, running the whole show in Egypt.
Hey, hurry and tell dad I’m Joseph, and God hooked me up as the ruler of Egypt. He needs to slide through ASAP.
So, like, you’re gonna live in this dope spot called Goshen, super close to me. You, your kids, grandkids, all your stuff, it’s gonna be lit.
And I got you covered for the next five years of famine. No one’s gonna suffer, I promise.
Yo, check it, you and Benjamin can see I’m really Joseph, your bro, talking to you.
Make sure dad knows what’s up here in Egypt, and don’t drag your feet. Get him down here pronto.
He hugged Benjamin so tight, and they both let it out, tears flowing.
Then he gave all his bros a big hug, tears of joy flowing. After that, they had a real heart-to-heart.
Word spread that Joseph’s bros were in Pharaoh’s house, and Pharaoh was hyped.
Pharaoh was like, “Joseph, tell your bros to pack up and head back to Canaan.”
Yo, gather up your crew and come through to my spot. We gonna feast like kings.
So, here’s the deal: grab your fam, your stuff, and roll out. Everything you need, I got you covered.
Don’t just look out for yourselves, ’cause Egypt’s prosperity is yours too. Share the wealth, no holding back.
The Israelites did what Joseph said, and he hooked them up with wagons and plenty of food for the trip.
Each person got fresh threads, but Benjamin got some extra cash and outfit changes.
He DM’d his dad: ten stacked donkeys with the best of Egypt’s goods, plus ten more with food for the journey. #donkeygoals
Then he told his bros to hit the road, no drama allowed.
So they left Egypt and made it back to Canaan, where Jacob was chilling.
They were like, “Yo, Dad, Joseph’s alive and thriving, running the show in Egypt!” And Jacob was blown away.
They filled him in on everything, and when he saw the swag Joseph sent, hope and joy flooded his heart.
Jacob was like, “Alright, that’s it. Joseph’s alive, so I gotta go see him before I kick the bucket.”

Genesis 46

So Israel packed up his gear and dipped to Beersheba. When he got there, he made some offerings to the same God his pops, Isaac, worshipped.
So, like, God dropped a dream bomb on Israel, saying, “Jacob, Jacob.” And Israel was like, “Yo, I’m right here.”
And God was like, “Chill, it’s me, the same God your dad was into. Don’t stress about Egypt, I got your back. Your crew gonna blow up into a sick nation.”
I got you covered, fam. I’m rolling with you to Egypt and bringing you back, no doubt. Joseph gonna be there to close your eyes when it’s time.
So Israel bounced from Beersheba, with his sons, their families, and Pharaoh’s wagons for the trip.
They brought all their gear from Canaan and rolled out to Egypt, Israel and the whole squad.
He brought all his kids, grandkids, daughters, and granddaughters, and every descendant to Egypt.
So, like, these are the homies from Israel who made the trip: Jacob and his crew — Reuben, Jacob’s firstborn.
Reuben had these sons: Hanoch, Phallu, Hezron, and Carmi.
Simeon’s squad was Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar, and Shaul, with a Canaanite mom. (Jemuel could also be Nemuel, Jachin could be Jarib, Zohar could be Zerah.)
Levi had Gershon, Kohath, and Merari. Gershon sometimes called Gershom.
Judah had Er, Onan, Shelah, Pharez, and Zerah. Sadly, Er and Onan passed in Canaan. Pharez had Hezron and Hamul.
Issachar’s crew: Tola, Phuvah, Job, and Shimron. (Phuvah and Job also known as Puah and Jashub.)
Zebulun’s fam had Sered, Elon, and Jahleel, holding it down!
Leah’s kids in Padanaram, with Dinah, counted thirty-three, sons and daughters.
Gad’s crew: Ziphion, Haggi, Shuni, Ezbon, Eri, Arodi, and Areli. (Ziphion also Zephon, Ezbon also Ozni, Arodi also Arod.)
Asher’s squad: Jimnah, Ishuah, Isui, Beriah, and rad sister Serah. Beriah’s sons were Heber and Malchiel.
Zilpah’s kids with Leah, sixteen in total.
Rachel’s sons: Joseph and Benjamin, Jacob’s wife.
In Egypt, Joseph’s sons: Manasseh and Ephraim, with Asenath, daughter of Potipherah, priest in On.
Benjamin’s crew: Belah, Becher, Ashbel, Gera, Naaman, Ehi, Rosh, Muppim, Huppim, Ard. (Ehi or Ahiram, Muppim or Shupham or Shuppim, Huppim or Hupham.)
Rachel’s kids with Jacob: fourteen in total.
Dan’s kids, including Hushim. (Hushim or Shuham.)
Naphtali’s squad: Jahzeel, Guni, Jezer, Shillem, cool names, fam!
Bilhah’s kids with Rachel, seven in total.
So, when Jacob and crew hit up Egypt, they were sixty-six deep (not counting sons’ wives), loins referring to Jacob’s thigh in Hebrew, FYI!
Joseph had two sons in Egypt. Total from Jacob’s fam who hit Egypt: seventy.
Then he sent Judah ahead to Joseph in Goshen, and they linked up there.
Joseph got his ride and met his dad, Israel, in Goshen. When they saw each other, they hugged it out and shed some tears.
Israel was like, “I’m ready to peace out now that I’ve seen your face, knowing you’re alive.”
So Joseph was like, “Hey fam, I’m gonna tell Pharaoh you guys from Canaan are here with me.”
They’re into shepherding, bringing their flocks and herds. That’s their hustle, ya know?
When Pharaoh asks, “What’s your gig?”
They’ve been in the livestock game since forever, and Egyptians ain’t about that shepherd life, they find it whack.”

Genesis 47

So Joseph hit up Pharaoh, like, “Yo, my pops and my bros, along with their crew and animals, just rolled in from Canaan. They’re posted up in Goshen now.”
He rolled with five of his homies to meet Pharaoh.
Pharaoh was like, “What’s your hustle?” And they were like, “We’re sheep herders, keeping it OG like our ancestors.”
We told Pharaoh we’re here to chill for a bit ’cause Canaan’s grazing lands are toast. The famine’s hitting hard there. Can we squat in Goshen?
Pharaoh hit up Joseph like, “Your dad and bros are in the mix now!”
Egypt’s yours! Set up your fam in the best spot, Goshen. And if you spot any skilled cats, put ’em on my cattle hustle.
So Joseph brought his dad Jacob to Pharaoh. Jacob gave Pharaoh props.
Pharaoh was like, “Jacob, how’s life treating you? How many years you clocked?”
“Yo, Pharaoh, I’ve been on this ride for a hundred and thirty years. But compared to my ancestors, it’s been short and rough.”
Jacob gave Pharaoh props and bounced.
Joseph found a prime spot in Rameses for his fam, just like Pharaoh said. They snagged their own chunk of land, top real estate.
Joseph made sure his fam had bread to eat, covering all their needs, like taking care of a kid.
There was zero bread in the land, major famine vibes. Egypt and Canaan were hit hard.
Joseph collected cash from Egypt and Canaan selling corn, bringing it back to Pharaoh.
When the cash ran dry, Egyptians hit up Joseph for bread, like, “Bro, we’re starving and you’re here!”
Joseph was like, “Trade me your livestock for cash, cash is tight.”
They traded cows for bread, and Joseph hooked them up with enough bread for their animals for a year.
Next year, they’re back like, “We’re broke, you got everything. We’re down to ourselves and our land.”
“We’re dying out here! Can you supply food and buy our land so we can serve Pharaoh? Hook us up with seeds too, we’re desperate.”
Joseph bought all Egypt’s land for Pharaoh! Egyptians sold out ’cause of the famine. Land was Pharaoh’s now.
He shuffled peeps around, relocating them all over Egypt.
Priests had their land from Pharaoh, so they didn’t sell.
Joseph hooked them up, getting land for Pharaoh and seeds for the people.
When harvest came, one-fifth went to Pharaoh, four-fifths to the people for planting, eating, and fam care.
They were like, “You saved us! We’re down to work for Pharaoh if you’re cool with it.”
Joseph set up the rule in Egypt: Pharaoh gets one-fifth, priests keep their land.
Israel was chilling in Goshen, living large, growing in numbers.
Jacob kicked it in Egypt for seventeen years, living to one-forty-seven. #livinglife
When Jacob’s time came, he hit up Joseph, “Do me a solid: bury me with our ancestors, not in Egypt.”
Joseph promised to honor his wish.
Jacob was humble and respectful, and Joseph swore to keep his word.”

Genesis 48

So, there was this moment when someone hit up Joseph, like, “Bro, your dad’s not doing so hot.” Joseph was like, “For real?” So he grabbed his sons, Manasseh and Ephraim, and rolled to see his pops.
Someone tells Jacob, “Yo, Joseph’s on his way.” Israel’s like, “Lit!” and settles on the bed.
Jacob’s like, “Joseph, listen up! God, the Ultimate Power, dropped in on me in Luz, in Canaan, and blessed me big time.
He was like, “I’m gonna make you mad successful, multiply like crazy, you’ll be a massive crew, and this land’s yours forever, like a never-ending inheritance.”
“Oh, and your two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, they’re mine now. They’re like my own sons, just like Reuben and Simeon.”
“Any kids you have after them are yours, but they’ll rep their bros when it comes to inheriting.”
“Oh, by the way, on our way back from Padan, Rachel passed away, died in Canaan. We were close to Ephrath, just a bit away. So, I buried her there, on the road to Ephrath, which is actually Bethlehem.”
Israel sees Joseph’s sons and is like, “Who’s this?”
Joseph’s like, “Dad, these are my boys from God.” Israel’s like, “Bring ’em here, I’ll bless ’em.”
Israel’s eyesight’s fading. He brings them close, gives them a hug and kiss.
He’s like, “Never thought I’d see you again, Joseph, but God blessed me by seeing your fam too.”
Joseph helps them up, bows down respectfully.
He grabs both boys, places Ephraim by Israel’s left hand, Manasseh by his right.
Israel crosses his hands, blessing Ephraim first, even though Manasseh’s older.
He blesses them, calling on God, who’s been there since Abraham and Isaac.
May the Angel who saved me bless these kids. May they carry our name, thrive, and multiply like fish.
Joseph notices his dad blessing Ephraim first and ain’t having it. He tries to switch his dad’s hands.
Joseph’s like, “Hold up, dad. Reuben’s the oldest, he should get the prime blessing.”
But Israel’s like, “Nah, I got this. Reuben will do well, but Ephraim’s gonna be even bigger, with tons of descendants.”
He blesses them, saying, “May God make you as successful as Ephraim and Manasseh,” putting Ephraim first.
Israel’s like, “Joseph, I’m about to bounce, but God’s got your back, bringing you back to our land.”
“Oh, and I hooked you up with a bonus, snatched it from the Amorites, with my trusty sword and bow.”

Genesis 49

So Jacob called his crew together and was like, “Listen up, fam, I gotta drop some truth bombs about what’s gonna go down in the future.”
Yo, squad, gather ’round and hear me out, all you descendants of Jacob; respect to your father Israel.
Reuben, you’ve been holding it down from the start, with that raw strength, the ultimate source of my power, the epitome of honor and authority, straight up bossin’ with all that muscle you’ve got!
But you, you’re all over the place, ain’t gonna make it big; ’cause you straight up messed up by getting with your dad’s partner. Yeah, you crossed the line big time and now it’s all messed up.
Simeon and Levi are like bros; they bring some intense vibes to the table. Their swords can get wild, you know, like tools of aggression.
Listen up, don’t get caught up in their shady schemes, don’t roll with their crew, ’cause they straight up took a guy out in anger and wrecked stuff just ’cause they felt like it.
Their anger was messed up, like, no chill at all. And their rage? Straight savage and cold. Gonna split them up in the Jacob crew and spread ’em out throughout all of Israel.
Yo, Judah, you’re gonna get mad props from your bros. You’ll have power over your enemies and your sibs will show respect by bowing down to you.
Judah’s like a young lion, fierce and brave. He’s come up by taking down his enemies, my son. With the strength and smarts of a lion, he crouches down and waits patiently, ready to defend his turf. Who’s gonna step to him?
Judah’s gonna hold it down until Shiloh comes, and everyone’s gonna rally under their lead.
Tying his whip to the dope vine, and his young donkey to the fancy vine; he washed his threads in fine wine, and his clothes in the fresh juice of grapes:
His eyes will be lit from sipping wine, and his teeth gleamin’ from sippin’ milk.
Zebulun’s gonna kick it by the sea, holding it down as a prime spot for ships, and his turf stretches all the way to Zidon.
Issachar’s like a chill donkey, chillin’ between two heavy loads:
And he’s like, “Yo, taking a break is sweet, and this spot’s super chill!” So he takes on his duties willingly and becomes a servant, showin’ respect to someone.
Dan’s gonna hold it down for his people, like one of the tribes of Israel.
Dan’s gonna be sneaky, slitherin’ like a serpent, bitin’ at the heels of horses, making the rider fall back. (BTW, the Hebrew word for ‘adder’ means ‘arrow-snake’.)
I’ve been waiting patiently for Your rescue, LORD.
Yo, Gad’s gonna catch some heat from a crew, but don’t trip ’cause he’s gonna come out on top in the end.
Asher’s grub’s gonna be top-notch, with mad dough and fancy eats.
“translation”: “Naphtali is like a free-spirited deer: he speaks with grace and wisdom.”
Joseph’s like a dope tree, flexin’ by the fresh water. The branches reachin’ out far, like, they’re kinda like his sisters, you dig?
The archers got him heated, took shots at him, hatin’ hard:
But he stayed strong, his hands made mighty by the awesome of Jacob; (from there came the shepherd, the rockstar of Israel:)”
By the God of your pops, who’s got your back; and by the Almighty, who’s gonna shower you with blessings from above, blessings from below, blessings from nurturing moms and fertile wombs.
Your dad’s blessings outshine the blessings of my ancestors on the highest mountains. These blessings belong to Joseph, standin’ out among his sibs with style and grace.
Alright, check it: Benjamin’s gonna go full beast mode–hungry and ready to feast. Come morning, he’s gonna devour that prey like a champ. And by night, he’ll be sharin’ the spoils with the crew.
So, these peeps are the twelve tribes of Israel, ya know? And this is what their dad said to ’em, blessin’ each one with their own special blessing.
And he told ’em, said to ’em, I’m about to join my people. When I pass, make sure to bury me with my ancestors in the cave in Ephron the Hittite’s field,
So there’s this sick cave in the field of Machpelah, you know? Right before Mamre, in Canaan, straight up owned by Abraham. He copped it from Ephron the Hittite for a legit burial spot, no joke.
Abraham and his wifey Sarah, Isaac and his wifey Rebekah, they’re all laid to rest there. And, just so you know, that’s where I laid my girl Leah to rest too.
So, like, Abraham bought a field and a cave from the guys known as the children of Heth.
After Jacob dropped his last gems to his sons, he leaned back, took his last breath, and joined his ancestors.

Genesis 50

So, Joseph slid up to his dad, and his feels just burst out, man. He pulled his dad in for a tight hug, laid a smooch on his cheek.
Joseph hit up his squad of doctors, like, “Yo, keep my dad’s body fresh,” and they embalmed Israel, just like he said.
Forty days later, they wrapped up the embalming gig, like, that’s the drill. The Egyptians were all mourning for him for seventy days straight.
Once Joseph was done grieving, he rolled up to Pharaoh’s crew like, “Aight, if y’all respect me, I gotta ask Pharaoh something…”
So, Joseph’s dad dropped this truth bomb on him, like, “Listen up, before I bounce, I wanna be laid to rest in Canaan. Promise me you’ll make it happen.”
Pharaoh was cool about it, like, “Go give your pops a proper send-off.”
Joseph took his dad to Canaan, and Pharaoh’s whole entourage, along with the big shots of Egypt, tagged along.
Joseph’s whole fam, plus his dad’s crew, rolled deep. They left the little ones, pets, and livestock back in Goshen.
Chariots and horsemen were in the mix, making it a huge procession!
They hit up Atad and went all out mourning for a week, showing major respect.
When the Canaanites peeped the Egyptians mourning, they were like, “Dang, that’s intense,” and named the spot Abelmizraim.
Joseph’s crew followed his dad’s wishes to the T.
They buried him in the cave of Machpelah in Canaan, bought by Abraham back in the day.
After laying his dad to rest, Joseph dipped back to Egypt with his crew.
His bros were shook, thinking Joseph would get payback for their past drama.
They hit up Joseph like, “Yo, before our dad passed, he dropped this mission on us.”
“Forgive us for all the messed up stuff we did,” they pleaded, and Joseph got real emotional.
His bros bowed down, offering to serve him.
Joseph reassured them, like, “I’m not about taking God’s job here.”
Despite their past beef, God flipped it for good, saving lives left and right.
Joseph comforted them, speaking words of love.
Joseph kicked it in Egypt with his fam and his dad’s crew, living a solid 110 years.
He watched his grandkids grow up, three generations down the line.
Joseph was like, “I’m out, but don’t stress. God’s got your back, leading you to the promised land.”
He made his peeps swear to bring his bones to Canaan when God came through.
Joseph passed at 110, his body preserved in Egypt.