Deuteronomy - Gen Z Bible

Deuteronomy 1

Yo, peep this! Moses dropped some wisdom to the Israel squad while they were chilling by the Jordan River, in the middle of nowhere, near Paran, Tophel, Laban, Hazeroth, and Dizahab. (BTW, the Jordan was also called Zuph)
It only takes eleven days to go from Horeb to Kadeshbarnea if you take the shortcut through mount Seir.
So, like, after 40 years, in the 11th month, on the first day, Moses was spitting truth to the Israel crew, laying down everything the LORD told him.
After he totally took down Sihon, the king of the Amorites, who was chilling in Heshbon, and also beat Og, the king of Bashan, who was posted up at Astaroth in Edrei:
Yo, over the Jordan River, in Moab, Moses started dropping some knowledge bombs, like,
Yo, fam, listen up! God hit us up at Horeb like, ‘Y’all been posted on this mountain for way too long, time to bounce.’
Yo, check it! Time to switch up your route and head to the Amorite territory and all around – the plains, hills, valleys, down south, even beachside! We’re talking about reaching Canaan and all the way to Lebanon, by the massive Euphrates River. Trust, it’s gonna be lit!
Yo, peep this! I’m hooking you up with a mad opportunity. Go claim the land the LORD promised to your OG ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. It’s all yours, and it’s gonna be passed down to your future fam. Trust.
So, back then I was like, ‘Yo, it’s too much to handle y’all solo, I need backup!’
Yo, God has totally multiplied y’all, and guess what? You’re lit af today, like a gazillion stars up in the sky.
May the LORD, the God of your ancestors, increase your numbers a thousand times and bless you as He promised!
Bruh, how am I supposed to handle all this heavy drama, stress, and conflicts solo?
Yo, gather your intellectual squad, the ones respected among your crew, and I’ll make ’em your leaders.
And you were like, ‘Cool, we’re down.’
So I picked the top dogs from each of your squads – the brainiacs and the popular ones – and made ’em the big boss over you. They became leaders of thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens. And I also appointed some cool peeps to help out in your crews.
Yo, listen up! I gave a straight up message to your judges like, ‘Y’all gotta hear out those disputes among your homies. And when you judge, keep it fair, no favoritism. Treat everyone equally, even outsiders.
Don’t favor anyone; hear out both the little and the big shots. Don’t fear anyone’s opinion, ’cause judgment belongs to God. And if it’s too tough, bring it to me, and I’ll handle it.
And I dropped some serious wisdom bombs, telling you what’s up.
So, when we left Horeb, we totally journeyed through this massive and crazy wilderness, ya know? It was intense, just as the LORD our God said. And then we finally hit Kadeshbarnea.
So, I was like, ‘Yo, we’re at the Amorites’ turf – the mountain that our awesome God is totally hooking us up with, ya feel?’
Check it, dude, the Almighty, your God, has given you this dope land. So, go claim it like He promised your ancestors. Don’t stress, bro.
So, y’all were like, ‘Yo, let’s send some peeps ahead to scope out the land and tell us where to go and which cities to hit.’
And I was down, so I picked twelve homies, one from each squad:
Then they hiked up the mountain, hit this sick valley called Eshcol, and scoped it out.
They grabbed some fresh fruits, brought ’em back, and were like, ‘Dude, this land God’s hooking us up with is legit!’
But y’all were like, nah we ain’t going, straight up rebelling against God’s command:
So, y’all were complaining in your tents like, ‘OMG, God hates us! He brought us out of Egypt just to hand us to those Amorites and ruin us!’
Where should we go? Our crew’s bringing us down, saying the peeps there are giants, the cities are huge and fortified, and we’ve seen the Anakim sons there.
I was like, chill, no need to stress about them. #NoFear
The big man upstairs got your back, just like in Egypt, doing insane stuff right before your eyes.
Out in the wild, the LORD your God cared for you like a father does his son, every step until now.
But y’all didn’t trust God, not one bit.
Who led you, scoping out the perfect spot to set up camp? Guiding you with fire at night and a boss cloud by day.
God heard you, got mad, and was like, ‘None of this messed up generation will see the land I promised.’
Except Caleb, son of Jephunneh, he’s getting that land he explored, ’cause he stayed loyal. #loyalty
God was mad at me too, said I can’t enter.
Yo, Joshua, son of Nun, is stepping up. Show him love, ’cause he’s securing that land for Israel.
And those kids you thought were easy targets, they’ll score that place, owning it like bosses.
Yo, time to head into the wilderness, following the path to the Red Sea.
So, we were like, ‘Yeah, we messed up, but we’re fighting now, just like God said.’ Geared up, ready to go.
God was like, ‘Tell ’em not to go up or fight. I’m not backing ya’ll on this. You’ll get wrecked.’
But y’all ignored me, disobeyed God’s command, being reckless!
The Amorites attacked, wrecking you all the way to Hormah.
You cried, but God didn’t listen.
So, y’all stayed in Kadesh as planned.

Deuteronomy 2

So, like, we were on this epic journey, right? Through the Red Sea, just as the LORD said. And guess what? We totally circled around mount Seir for, like, forever!
So, God was like, ‘Yo, listen up fam,’
Okay squad, you’ve been circling this mountain forever, time to switch it up and head north.
Yo, spread the word! When you hit up your homies, the descendants of Esau in Seir, they’re gonna be shook. Keep it cool, alright?
Don’t even think about taking their land, ’cause it’s off-limits. Esau’s got dibs on that whole vibe.
You can grab some grub from them, just make sure to drop some cash and stay hydrated.
God’s been blessing you on this journey, fam. Forty years deep and you haven’t been lacking anything.
So we rolled up on our Esau fam in Seir, took a detour through Elath and Eziongaber, then cruised through the Moab wilderness.
Chill, God said, ‘Don’t mess with the Moabites, I promised their land to Lot’s crew.’
Back in the day, there were giants roaming there, like the Anakims.
These giants were called Emims by the Moabites.
Esau’s fam took over Seir after wiping out the Horims, just like Israel took their spot in the land God gave them.
Alright squad, time to cross the Zered river.
So, we went from Kadeshbarnea to cross the Zered river, and it took a cool 38 years! All the warriors dipped out, just like God said.
The LORD was like, ‘I’m wiping them out, no survivors.’
After all the fighting dudes were gone,
The LORD said to me,
‘Roll through Ar and Moab today.’
When you hit up the Ammonites, keep it chill. Lot’s fam got that land.
There were some tall giants there, the Ammonites called them Zamzummims.
The Anakims got replaced by another crew, just like Esau’s fam took Seir.
Esau’s crew wiped out the Horims and set up shop.
Caphtorims took out the Avims and claimed their turf.
Get moving, cross the Arnon River. Sihon’s land is yours for the taking.
Today, you’re gonna be feared by all nations.
I reached out to Sihon, asking to pass through peacefully.
‘Can we pass through your turf without any trouble?’
‘We just need some food and water, we’ll pay.’
Like Esau and the Moabites treated me, until we reach our promised land.
Sihon refused, but God set him up for defeat.
God’s like, ‘Sihon’s land is yours.’
Sihon and his crew came at us in Jahaz.
And boom, God handed him over to us.
We took over his cities, no survivors.
We only took the cattle and loot.
We dominated from Aroer to Gilead, thanks to God.
We steered clear of Ammonite land and the Jabbok River, as God told us.

Deuteronomy 3

So, we dipped out and headed towards Bashan, and guess what? Og, the king of Bashan, and his whole squad, rolled up to throw down with us at Edrei.
So, God was like, “Chill, fam, I got your back! I’m serving up this dude, his posse, and his whole turf to you. Just handle him like you did that Amorite king Sihon from Heshbon, no sweat.”
So, like, God totally hooked us up, and we straight-up crushed Og, the king of Bashan, and all his crew. We straight-up dominated until there wasn’t a single one left. Major win!
And we straight-up took over all his cities back then, like not a single one was left untouched. We snagged like sixty cities, the whole area of Argob, which was like Og’s kingdom in Bashan.
These cities were all decked out with massive walls, dope gates, and epic hangouts. Plus, there were a bunch of cool towns that weren’t so fortified.
And we straight-up wiped them out, just like we did to Sihon, the ruler of Heshbon. We took out every single person, from dudes and dudettes to kids, in every city.
But yo, we totally scored all them cows and jacked all the sick loot from those cities, like it’s all ours now.
So, like, back then, we totally snagged the land from those two Amorite kings, you know? It was, like, across the Jordan River, stretching from the Arnon River to Mount Hermon. Power move, yo!
The Sidonians call it like, Sirion; and the Amorites are like, yo, it’s Shenir;
Yo, peep this! I’m talking about all them cities in the plain, Gilead, and Bashan, all the way to Salchah and Edrei. These cities are part of the kingdom of Og in Bashan, dude.
Yo, there was this one dude Og, the king of Bashan, who was the last of the giants. And check this out, his bed was legit made of iron! You can find it in Rabbath, where the Ammonites live. That thing was massive, bro. It measured nine cubits in length and four cubits in width, using regular human-sized cubits.
So, like, this land that we got back then, from Aroer by the Arnon River, and half of Mount Gilead, along with its cities, I gave it to the Reubenites and Gadites.
So, like, the rest of Gilead and all of Bashan, you know, the kingdom of Og, I totally gave it to the half tribe of Manasseh. It’s all in the region of Argob, along with all of Bashan, which they used to call the land of giants, or whatever.
So like, Jair, Manasseh’s homie, totally claimed the whole Argob region, right up to Geshuri and Maachathi. And get this, he named it Bashanhavothjair, after himself, and it’s still called that to this day, fam!
And I hooked up Machir with Gilead, no cap.
I hooked up the Reubenites and the Gadites with some prime real estate – like, from Gilead all the way to the Arnon River, scoring them half the valley. Their turf extended even to the Jabbok River, which is basically the boundary of the Ammonite crew.
The flat land, the Jordan River, and the whole area around it, from Chinnereth all the way to the salty sea in the east, near Ashdothpisgah. (Ashdothpisgah can be called the springs of Pisgah or the hill.)
So, like, back in the day, I was like, ‘Yo, peep this! The big man upstairs, AKA God, is hooking you up with this prime land to conquer. You gotta roll in with your crew, fully equipped and ready to fight, in front of your Israelite fam. Only the ones who can handle the heat, you know what I’m saying? Power moves all the way, fam!
But like, your wives, your kids, and your pets (I mean, I know you all have a ton of pets) can stay in your cities that I totally gave to you, okay?
Until the LORD blesses your friends with peace and also blesses you, and until they claim the land beyond Jordan that the LORD your God has given them, then you can go back to your own land that I have given you.
So I told Joshua, like, listen up dude, you’ve witnessed everything that the Lord our God has done to these two kings. And for real, the Lord will do the same to all the other kingdoms you come across, okay?
Don’t stress about those peeps, ’cause the big man upstairs got your back and will straight up throw down for you.
And I was like, yo LORD, listen up,
Yo, God Almighty, you’ve straight-up started revealing your awesomeness to your servant here, showing off your straight fire power and skills. Like seriously, who else up in the heavens or down on earth can even come close to doing what you do and flexing your mad strength?
Yo, lemme check out the lit land on the other side of the Jordan River – that dope mountain and Lebanon.
But God got really mad at me because of you guys, and wouldn’t even listen to me. God told me, ‘That’s enough, stop talking to me about this.’
Go to the highest point of Pisgah, and look to the west, north, south, and east. Take in the view with your own eyes, but remember that you won’t be crossing the Jordan River.
But like, yo, Joshua needs a major boost, you know? He needs your encouragement and support. ‘Cause he’s legit gonna lead the way for these peeps and help them score that land you’re peeping.
So we stayed in the valley across from Bethpeor.

Deuteronomy 4

Yo, Israel, listen up! Pay mad attention to these rules I’m dropping so you can live your best life and claim the land the LORD God hooked up your ancestors with.
Don’t even think about changing up what I’m saying. Just stick to the Lord’s commandments exactly as I lay ’em down.
Remember what went down with Baalpeor? The LORD was not playing with those who were into it. He straight up cleared ’em out from your crew.
But y’all who stayed loyal to the LORD? Y’all still thriving today.
Listen up, fam! I’ve schooled you on all the rules and regs just like the Big Man upstairs told me. So, when you’re taking over in the new hood, make sure to stay on point, aight?
So, like, keep living by these rules, alright? ‘Cause that’s what’s gonna make you stand out as smart and wise to other nations. They’ll hear about these rules and be like, ‘Dang, this nation is woke AF.’
Tell me, which nation is as close to their God as us? Our God is lit AF and always got our backs when we slide into His DMs.
Yo, listen up, fam! Ain’t no nation as lit as us. Our laws are straight fire, the most righteous out there. I’m spitting truth today, no cap!
Yo, seriously, keep yourselves in check, like, for real. Don’t let those memories fade from your hearts, and pass ’em on to your kids and grandkids, no joke.
Remember when we were at Horeb, standing before the LORD your God? He told me to gather everyone so they could hear His words. It was all about respecting and honoring Him every day of our lives, passing that knowledge down.
Y’all were at the base of that mountain. Fire was blazing, reaching the sky, surrounded by darkness, clouds, and thick fog.
God spoke to you from that fire, loud and clear, no images, just His voice, you know?
Basically, God was like, ‘Listen up! I got these ten commandments for y’all. They’re so crucial, I wrote ’em on these stone tablets.’
Back then, God was like, ‘Listen up, peeps! I gotta lay down some rules for when you hit the new land.’
So, for real, stay focused, alright? ‘Cause when the LORD spoke to you at Horeb, it was wild!
So, don’t go making statues of anything, whether dudes or chicks.
Like, don’t be idolizing any animals on land or birds in the sky.
And don’t be getting hyped over any creepy crawlies or fish in the deep.
And don’t be worshiping the sun, moon, and stars, as awesome as they are. God shared ’em with all nations.
God led y’all outta that mess in Egypt like a boss. He made you His chosen crew, just like today.
But yo, the LORD wasn’t feeling me ’cause of y’all. He said, ‘Nah, you ain’t crossing that Jordan river, but y’all can take over that lit land.’
So, I’m chilling here, but y’all can go ahead and vibe in that lit land.
Remember to stay focused and keep that agreement with the LORD in check. No fancy statues, alright?
God’s fierce, like fire, and He cares big time.
When you start acting shady, making idols, God ain’t gonna be pleased.
Listen up! If you keep messing up, trying to take over that land, you’re gonna get wrecked, no doubt.
The LORD will scatter you, making you a small group in foreign lands.
And you’ll end up worshiping wooden and stone idols, which are total duds.
But if you seek the LORD, you’ll find Him if you’re serious.
When times get tough, seek God, and things will get better.
God’s all about compassion, never bailing on you or forgetting His promises.
Think about all the epic stuff God did in the past. Nothing compares!
Ever heard God’s voice from fire and lived?
Has any god snatched a nation like God did with us from Egypt?
God made it clear, He’s the real deal.
He spoke to you from heaven and revealed Himself on earth with fire.
He picked your ancestors and flexed His power to free you.
He kicked out nations and gave you their land.
So, remember, the LORD is the real deal, no cap.
Follow His rules for a blessed life, forever.
Moses was like, ‘Yo, gonna build three cities this side of Jordan, towards the sunrise.’
If someone accidentally kills their neighbor, they can find safety in these cities:
Bezer, Ramoth, and Golan, where tribes chill.
Moses laid down the law for Israel.
These are the rules Moses gave after leaving Egypt.
Moses took down Sihon and Og, kings of the Amorites.
Their land was taken on the east side of Jordan, facing the sunrise.
From Aroer to Mount Hermon.
And the whole east side of Jordan, to the sea, by Pisgah.

Deuteronomy 5

Moses was all, ‘Yo, listen up, fam! I’m about to drop some wisdom on y’all. These laws I’m laying down? Pay attention and actually do ’em, aight? Don’t just hear me out, put ’em into action.’
Bruh, God straight up made a covenant with us at Horeb.
God didn’t make this deal with our parents, but with us, the peeps still alive today.
It was insane! God was like texting you IRL, on that mount, with all that fire!
(I was the middleman between you and God back then, passing on His message ’cause y’all were too shook by the fire to go up the mountain;) And here’s what I relayed,
I’m the ultimate power, your God, who saved you from Egypt, where you were slaving away.
You gotta put me first, no other gods allowed.
Don’t even think about making any idols, whether in the sky, on earth, or under the sea.
Don’t get obsessed with worshipping idols, ’cause I, the LORD your God, don’t share loyalty. I’ll bring consequences from past wrongs to the next few generations if they’re disrespecting me.
But I’ll show love for a thousand generations to those who stick by me and follow my rules.
Don’t use God’s name casually, ’cause that’s not cool.
Remember to chill on the sabbath day and treat it as holy, just like God said.
Work hard for six days, handle your grind:
But the seventh day is for chilling, for you, your squad, your pets, and even that random crasher at your place. Let everyone recharge and relax.
Remember, you used to be slaves in Egypt and God helped you escape. That’s why He’s telling you to chill on the Sabbath.
Respect your parents, as God commands, and you’ll have a good life in the land He’s giving you.
Don’t be a murderer, seriously not cool.
Stay faithful to your partner, alright?
No stealing, fam.
Don’t spread lies about your neighbor, okay?
Don’t be jealous of your neighbor’s stuff.
God dropped these rules to the squad on the mount, surrounded by fire, clouds, and darkness. His voice was booming, no lie. And that’s it, no extras. He wrote ’em on stone tablets and gave ’em to me.
So when y’all heard God’s voice booming from the darkness, and the mountain was on fire, you all came to me, including your tribe leaders and elders. It was intense, dude.
And you were like, ‘Dang, God’s flexing on us with His awesomeness and His sick moves.’ We heard His voice booming out of the fire, no cap! We saw it ourselves, man. God talks to us and He’s alive and kickin’.
So, why risk death? This fire is gonna toast us! If we keep hearing God’s voice, we’re doomed. #ScaryStuff #NoThanks
Seriously, who’s heard God’s voice from fire and lived? Mind-blowing, dude!
Come listen to everything God says. Then tell us, and we’ll listen and follow.
God heard what y’all said to me and He’s like, ‘Y’all got it right.’
If only they’d respect me and follow my commands without fail. That’s the key to blessings for them and their squad, for real!
Tell ’em to go back to their tents.
But you, chill with me. I’ll break down the rules and guidelines for you to teach them, so they know how to live in the land I’m giving ’em.
Stick to what God said, don’t stray left or right.
Follow God’s rules for a good life in the land you’re taking over.

Deuteronomy 6

Yo, peep these guidelines, laws, and rulings straight from the Most High. He’s laying down the lowdown so you can vibe with it when you touchdown in that new turf. (Psst, “go” means move it, Hebrew style.)
Word up, show some major love to the Most High and clock all His rules and regs, the ones I’m spilling to you, your fam, and your fam’s fam, for real, for life. That’s the key to a long and blessed journey, squad.
Aight, listen up, Israel! Keep your eyes peeled and your game tight for what I’m about to drop, so you can level up big time, just like the Most High promised your crew back in the day. And we’re talking about a lit land flowing with milk and honey, no cap.
Israel, peep game: the Most High, He’s the OG, the one and only.
And you gotta vibe with the Most High with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.
And yo, these words I’m laying down, they’re sticking with you forever, straight from the heart, you feel me?
Pass on these vibes to your squad, keep the convo going 24/7 – at home, on the move, when you’re chilling, and when you wake up. It’s like leveling up your mental game, you dig?
And keep ’em close, like on some wristband flex, and let ’em be front and center in your mind, fam.
And post those verses up in your crib, and at your doorways, too, squad.
Yo, when the Most High hooks you up with that lit land He promised your forefathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, with cities ready to roll that you didn’t even have to hustle for,
And houses stacked with dope stuff you didn’t even stash there, and wells you didn’t even dig, and vineyards and olive trees you didn’t even plant, and once you’re full and content;
Bro, don’t even think about ghosting the Most High, who straight up pulled you out of Egypt, out of that slavery grind. (Just so you know, bondage is like being locked down as servants or slaves.)
Give some major props to the Most High, stay true to Him, and don’t be tossing His name around like it’s no biggie.
Don’t be chasing after the gods the other crews are hyped about, aight?
(Because, like, the Most High ain’t about to share His spotlight, you feel me?) Don’t wanna trigger the Most High, or He might just drop you from the scene, for real.
Don’t even think about testing the Most High like you did back in Massah. Not cool, bro.
Keep your game tight and stick to all the rules and regs the Most High laid out. Stay true to His vibe and follow His lead.
And make sure you’re on point, doing what’s righteous and real in the eyes of the Most High, so things stay blessed for you, and you can claim that prime real estate the Most High promised your ancestors.
To bounce all your haters, just like the Most High said.
And yo, when your kid hits you up down the road, asking, “Yo, what’s the deal with all these testimonies, statutes, and judgments the Most High told us to clock?”
Tell your kid, yo, we were straight up slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt, but then the Most High swooped in and saved us, fam. It was epic, no cap!
And the Most High was flexing hard in Egypt, dropping mad miracles to show His power. He was straight up messing with Pharaoh and his crew, right in front of our faces. (BTW, “sore” means, like, seriously intense, just so you know.)
He snatched us outta there so He could set us up in this dope spot and honor His promise to our ancestors.
The Most High laid down these rules for us, outta love, for our own good. He’s looking out for us, same as He’s doing today.
And if we clock all these commandments the Most High dropped on us, that’s what sets us on the righteous path, you hear?

Deuteronomy 7

Yo, peeps, listen up! So, when God’s about to hook you up with this epic land you’re gonna own, there’s gonna be a bunch of other nations there that He’s gonna kick out for ya – we’re talking about the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. Trust me, these dudes are like, next level bigger and stronger than you, but no sweat, God’s got your back!
And when the LORD your God gives you the upper hand, you gotta straight up defeat them, wipe ’em out completely; no deals, no pity:
Don’t mix with them, don’t let your daughter chill with their son, and don’t let your son hang with their daughter.
‘Cause they’ll lead your son away from me, getting him hooked on other gods, and that’s gonna tick the LORD off, and bam, you’re in trouble real quick.
So, fam, here’s the deal: wreck their altars, smash their statues, chop down their sacred trees, and torch their fancy carved idols. Oh, and don’t forget to burn those pillar things too.
Bro, seriously! You’re like, special to the LORD your God. He picked you, outta everyone on earth, to be His own special squad. You guys are on another level, like, holy and stuff.
The LORD didn’t choose you or love you ’cause you had the most followers. Nah, you were like, the underdogs, the smallest crew out there:
But ’cause the LORD was all about you, and He was fully committed to keeping His promise to your ancestors, He came through with mad power, rescuing you from being slaves, straight up saving you from Pharaoh, the big shot of Egypt.
Yo, get this: the LORD your God is legit, faithful to His promises, showing love to those who dig Him and keep His rules, like, forever and ever, for generations on generations, dude.
And He totally claps back at the haters, wiping them out. He doesn’t hold back when someone’s got beef with Him; He serves up some serious payback. No doubt, He ain’t letting anything slide.
So, like, make sure you’re on point with all the rules, laws, and decisions I’m laying down here and actually stick to ’em.
So, if you actually listen up to these rules and actually follow through, then God will totally keep His promises, showing you His love and loyalty just like He swore to your ancestors.
And He’s totally gonna bless you, hook you up big time. Like, for real, He’s gonna bless everything that comes from you, your kids and all. And not just that, He’s gonna bless your grub, your crops, your wine, your olive oil, and all your livestock. All of this is going down in the land He promised your ancestors, no doubt!
You’ll be totally blessed, like, above everyone else! No one’s gonna be infertile, not dudes, not chicks, and even your animals are gonna be popping out babies left and right.
And God will totally rid you of sickness, no more dealing with those nasty diseases from Egypt you know about; instead, those diseases are getting dumped on all your haters.
You’re gonna straight up take out all the people God hands over to you. No mercy, man. And don’t even think about worshiping their gods, ’cause that’s gonna mess you up big time.
If you’re thinking, man, these nations are way bigger than me, how am I supposed to kick ’em out?
Don’t stress, just remember how the LORD your God showed Pharaoh and all Egypt who’s boss.
Yo, remember when you saw those epic showdowns, insane miracles, and straight-up power moves pulled off by the LORD your God? Well, that’s exactly how He’s gonna deal with all those people you’re stressing about! No worries fam, God’s got your back!
And, like, God’s gonna send these hardcore hornets among them until all the leftover peeps, like, get wrecked and can’t even find a hiding spot anymore.
Don’t trip about them, ’cause the LORD your God is with you, and He’s like, mega powerful and super awesome.
And God will gradually kick out those nations before you, so you’re not overwhelmed all at once, ’cause if you were, the wild animal population would explode and become a threat.
But yo, the LORD your God’s gonna hand ’em over to you, and straight up annihilate ’em with mega destruction, until they’re totally wiped out.
And He’ll totally deliver their kings to you, wiping their name off the face of the earth: no one’s gonna be messing with you until you’ve wiped ’em all out.
Yo, don’t mess with those carved idols, bro. Burn ’em with fire! And don’t even think about wanting the silver or gold on ’em, or taking any for yourself. That’s a trap, man. It’s like, total disgust to the LORD your God.
Don’t bring any messed-up stuff into your place, or you’ll end up cursed just like it. Straight up hate it and be totally repulsed by it, ’cause it’s totally cursed, dude.

Deuteronomy 8

Listen up fam, if you wanna live your best life and claim the land promised to your ancestors by the LORD, you gotta stick to the rules I’m laying down today.
And yo, remember that whole journey through the wilderness? God was leading you for like forty years, just to keep you humble and test what’s really in your heart. Will you stay true to His commandments or nah?
He made you feel small, let you go hungry, then dropped that manna on you, some next-level food your ancestors never even knew about. It wasn’t just about physical bread, fam, it was about everything from the mouth of the LORD that keeps you truly living.
Your kicks stayed fresh, and your feet didn’t swell for a solid forty years.
Understand deep down, like how a dad disciplines his kid, the LORD your God disciplines you too.
So, it’s simple – follow all the rules God laid out, live the way He wants, and show some respect.
God’s blessing you with a lit land, waterfalls, springs, deep valleys, and hills – it’s gonna be lit.
There’s mad wheat, barley, vines, fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil, and honey – straight paradise vibes!
You’ll have all the bread you need, plus iron and brass for days.
After a dope meal, show some love to the big man upstairs for hooking you up.
Don’t sleep on God – keep His commandments, His judgments, His statutes, just like I’m telling you.
So, after you’ve eaten good and built those fancy houses…
And when your pets and livestock are thriving, and your bank account’s looking sweet…
But if you start feeling yourself and forget the God who pulled you outta Egypt…
Guided you through that crazy desert, with snakes, scorpions, and no water – then made water pop from a rock…
Who hooked you up with manna when your parents were clueless? It was a lesson in humility and testing, so you’d come out on top.
And you start thinking it’s all you and your skills stacking that cash…
Nah, don’t forget it’s God who’s got your back, fulfilling His promise to your ancestors.
If you start chasing other gods, you’re heading for a fall, fam. I’m telling you straight.
Just like God wiped out other nations, you’ll get wrecked too if you don’t listen up.

Deuteronomy 9

A’ight, listen up, fam: Today’s the day you’re gonna cross over the Jordan and take over countries way bigger and tougher than you, with cities that are like skyscrapers.
These dudes are massive, like real giants or something. You heard about ’em, right? The Anakims? Word is, nobody’s ever laid a finger on ’em!
Just so you know, today, it’s the LORD your God leading the charge. He’s like a blazing fire, tearing through anything in His way and setting the stage for you to kick butt and take names, just like He said.
And don’t even start thinking, “Oh, it’s ’cause I’m so holy that the LORD’s letting me take this land.” Nah, it’s ’cause these nations are straight-up wicked that the LORD’s giving ’em the boot.
It’s not ’cause you’re all saintly and pure-hearted that you’re gonna snatch up their turf. It’s ’cause these nations are rotten to the core that the LORD your God’s kicking ’em to the curb, staying true to His word to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
So, like, don’t get it twisted. The man upstairs isn’t hooking you up with this sweet land ’cause you’re all goody-two-shoes. Let’s be real, you guys can be stubborn AF sometimes.
Yo, don’t forget how you got the LORD all worked up when you were wandering in the wilderness. From Egypt till now, you’ve been straight-up rebellious.
So, at Horeb, you really got under the LORD’s skin, and He was about ready to throw hands.
So, when I went up the mountain to grab those stone tablets, the ones with the deal the LORD made with you, I was up there for like forty days and nights, no food or drink, just grinding.
And yo, God straight-up gave me these two stone tablets, writing on ’em with His own finger, like some divine artist. He jotted down every word He dropped when we were all chilling at the mountain, surrounded by fire on that epic assembly day.
After forty days and nights, boom, God handed me those two stone tablets. Legit, the covenant tables. No cap!
And God was like, ‘Bro, you gotta dip outta here, pronto! Your crew you rescued from Egypt? They’re all messed up, worshiping some creepy metal statue.’
The LORD’s like, ‘Listen up, I’ve been watching these dudes, and lemme tell ya, they’re stubborn AF.’
Just let Me go, so I can wipe ’em out and start fresh with you, building a nation even more lit than they could ever dream.
So, I come down from the mountain, and the whole place is lit up, flames everywhere. And guess what? I’m holding those two tablets in my hands, straight-up legendary.
I peeped it, and, whoa, you totally blew it with the LORD your God. You whipped up this emoji-looking golden calf and ditched the path the LORD set for you.
So, I grabbed those tablets and chucked ’em down, shattering ’em right in front of you.
Then, I hit the ground for another forty days and nights, no food or water, all because of your messed-up antics, ticking off the LORD and getting Him real heated.
I gotta admit, I was shook by the LORD’s wrath, ready to wipe you out. But, yo, He listened to me, too, you know?
God was ready to go off on Aaron, but I stepped in, praying for him right then and there.
So, I snagged that calf, symbolizing your sin, and torched it. Then I crushed it and tossed the dust into the stream flowing from the mountain.
At Taberah, Massah, and Kibrothhattaavah, you really got the LORD’s blood boiling.
So, when the LORD was like, ‘Yo, I’m sending you from Kadeshbarnea to snag that dope land I promised,’ you straight-up rebelled, not believing or listening.
You’ve been disobeying the LORD since day one.
So, I’m back on my knees for another forty days and nights, just like before, ’cause the LORD said He was gonna wipe y’all out.
I’m praying to the LORD, like, ‘Yo, God, don’t even think about wiping out your peeps and the land you saved with your mad power moves. Remember how you flexed, leading them out of Egypt?
Don’t forget about our OGs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Don’t sweat their current stubbornness and sin, yo.
Imagine if Egypt starts talking smack, saying, ‘The LORD couldn’t even bring those peeps into the land He promised. He must’ve hated ’em, bringing ’em out here just to off ’em in the desert.’
But, yo, they’re still your peeps, your chosen fam, freed by your epic strength and sick flexed arm.

Deuteronomy 10

So, God was all, ‘Hey, grab two stone tablets like the first ones and meet me up on the mountain. Oh, and don’t forget to build a wooden ark too.’
And I’ll totally jot down on those tablets the same words that were on the first tablets you broke, and you gotta stash ’em in the ark.
So, like, I crafted this super cool ark out of shittim wood, you know? Then, I carved two stone tablets that were, like, totally identical to the first ones. After that, I went up the mountain, holding the two tablets in my hand. Totally epic, right?
So, he jotted down the same 10 rules on the tablets that the LORD had told you guys about when you all gathered at the mountain. It was super intense, like, there was fire and everything. Then, the LORD handed them over to me.
So, I like totally turned around and descended from the mount, dude. Then, I placed the tablets in the ark that I crafted, just as the LORD told me to. And guess what? They’re still right there, chilling like the LORD said.
So the Israelites moved from Beeroth of Jaakan to Mosera. That’s where Aaron passed away and was laid to rest. His son Eleazar took over as the priest and carried on his legacy.
Then they went to Gudgodah, and from Gudgodah to Jotbath, a place with lots of rivers and water.
Back in the day, God picked out the tribe of Levi to handle the holy ark and serve Him directly. They’ve been blessing people in His name ever since.
So, Levi doesn’t get any share or land like his brothers. The LORD is his inheritance, just like the LORD your God promised him.
So, like, I chilled on the mountain for, like, the same amount of time as before – forty days and nights. And, yo, the LORD totally listened to me again during that time, and He was like, ‘Nah fam, I ain’t gonna wipe you out.’
Then God was like, ‘Yo, get up and start walking ahead of the crew so they can enter and own the land that I promised to their ancestors. It’s about time they claim what’s theirs, ya know?’
Yo, Israel, here’s what the LORD wants from you: just show some respect to the LORD your God, follow His path, genuinely love Him, and serve the LORD with all your heart and soul.
So, like, you gotta follow all the rules and stuff that the LORD gave you today, because it’s all for your own good, you know?
Yo, listen up! The Lord your God totally owns the whole deal – the heaven, the super fancy heaven, and even the Earth with all the cool stuff in it.
God was totally into your ancestors, he really loved them and picked their descendants to be his special people, and that includes you, like, above everyone else, like, even until now.
So like, get rid of all that emotional baggage in your heart, and don’t be stubborn anymore.
Bruh, the LORD your God is the ultimate of all gods, the boss of bosses, straight up amazing, powerful, and intimidating. He doesn’t play favorites or take bribes, no cap.
He’s got the backs of the orphans and widows, and he’s all about showing love to the outsiders by hooking them up with good eats and sick outfits.
So, like, be cool with strangers and stuff because, ya know, back in the day when your ancestors were living it up in Egypt, they were total strangers too.
You gotta have mad respect for the LORD your God; serve Him with everything you got, stick with Him no matter what, and swear by His name.
He’s like, the one you should totally be praising, and he’s your God, you know? He’s the one who’s like, done all these amazing and, like, mind-blowing things that you’ve actually seen with your own eyes.
Like, your ancestors totally migrated to Egypt with, like, seventy people. And now, the LORD your God has totally made you, like, as many as the stars in the sky. So legit, you’re a huge crowd now!

Deuteronomy 11

So, like, you gotta totally love the LORD your God, and, like, follow all his rules, and, like, do what he says, ya know? Just always stay committed, dude.
Listen up, fam: I’m not talkin’ to the young ones who haven’t seen the punishment of the LORD your God, or witnessed His greatness, His epic power, and His strong arm.
And all the amazing things and awesome stuff that he did back in Egypt when he was dealing with Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, and the whole country, were straight-up mind-blowing!
And, like, check out what God did to the whole Egyptian army, their horses, and their fancy chariots. He totally made the Red Sea gush all over them when they tried to chase after you, and He’s kept them wiped out to this day. Epic, right?
And the wild stuff he pulled on you back in the wilderness, until you finally made it to this spot;
Yo, let me tell you about what went down with Dathan and Abiram, sons of Eliab, son of Reuben. It was crazy! The earth straight up opened its mouth and swallowed them, their families, their tents, and everything they owned right in front of everyone in Israel. It was like all their stuff vanished, just like that!
But, like, you’ve totally witnessed all the epic moves that the Lord pulled off.
So, like, make sure you stay committed to following all these rules I’m giving you today. It’ll help you stay strong and take over the land you’re about to conquer.
So you can vibe for a long time in the lit land that the LORD promised your ancestors, a place flowing with all the good stuff like milk and honey.
But the land you’re about to inherit ain’t anything like Egypt where you came from. In Egypt, you had to work hard, planting your seeds and watering them by stomping your feet, just to grow a few herbs in a garden.
But like, the place you’re heading to, it’s legit full of hills and valleys, and gets its water from heaven’s raindrops, man.
God totally vibes with this land: He’s always keeping an eye on it, 24/7, from January to December. Super invested, ya know?
And yo, if you peeps listen up real careful to my straight-up commandments that I’m droppin’ on you right now, and you show mad love to the LORD your God, and give Him your all, straight from the depths of your heart and soul,
I got you covered fam! I’ll make it rain on your land at just the right time, both the first rain and the last rain. This way, you can flex with a bountiful harvest of corn, wine, and oil. Trust me, I gotchu!
I’ll hook you up with some fresh grass in your fields for your cattle, so you can chow down and be totally satisfied.
Yo, listen up, make sure you stay woke and don’t let yourselves be fooled into worshiping any other gods or getting caught up in their worship.
And if yo guyz make the LORD hella pissed, he’ll straight up close the skies and put a stop to the rain, so the land won’t be producin’ any fruit. And y’all will vanish real quick from this blesséd land that the LORD hooked you up with.
So, like, make sure you really keep my words close to your heart and soul, and, like, tie them around your hand as a reminder. They should be, like, right between your eyes, man.
And yo, you gotta pass that knowledge down to your kids, like keep talking ’bout it whenever you chill at home, when you out walkin’ and doin’ your thing, before you sleep, and when you wake up.
And you gotta totally scribble these words on the doorposts of your crib and on the gates, no cap:
So you can have mad long and fulfilling lives, and your squad too, in the place the LORD promised your ancestors, like living your best life on earth.
If you’re like, totally committed to following these commandments I’m giving you, and actually do them and stuff, love God with all your heart, and live your life in line with His teachings, like… stick with Him, you know?
Yo, the LORD’s gonna straight up kick out all these nations that are in front of you, and you’ll totally take over even bigger nations that are way stronger than you. Cool, right?
Anywhere you step, that land is yours: from the middle of nowhere to the coolest mountains, from the flowing river Euphrates, all the way to the farthest ocean, that whole region is yours.
No one will be able to challenge you: the LORD your God will make sure everyone in the land you inhabit fears and respects you, just as He promised.
Yo, peep this, I’m throwing some options your way today – a dope blessing and a straight-up curse;
It’s lit, fam, if you stay on point with the commandments of the LORD your God, like I’m telling you right now:
If you won’t listen to God and do what He commands, but decide to wander off and follow other gods that you haven’t even heard of, you’re asking for serious trouble.
When God finally guides you to the land you’re supposed to take over, make sure to bless mount Gerizim and speak curses upon mount Ebal.
Aren’t they like, on the other side of the Jordan River, where the sun sets, in Canaan where the Canaanites live, near Gilgal and the plains of Moreh?
Because, like, you’re gonna cross over the Jordan River and enter the land that the LORD your God is giving you. And guess what? You’re gonna totally own it and live there like it’s your own crib.
And you gotta make sure to follow all the rules and decisions that I told you about today.

Deuteronomy 12

These are the chill guidelines and vibes you gotta vibe with in the place that the LORD God of your ancestors is hooking you up with to live in while you’re cruisin’ on Earth.
You gotta totally wipe out all those spots where the peeps you’re taking over used to worship their gods. Like, from the tall mountains to the hills, and even under those lush trees. (Or, y’know, claim it as your own)
Smash those altars, break those pillars, and torch those groves to the ground. Oh, and don’t forget to wreck those carved images of their gods and erase any memory of their names from that spot, got it?
Don’t even think about dissin’ the LORD your God like that.
But hey, you gotta hit up the spot that God’s gonna pick from all your tribes to put His name there and all. That’s His crib, so you gotta show up and show respect.
And you gotta bring all your offerings, sacrifices, tithes, handiwork offerings, promises, freebies, and the firstborns of your animals to that spot:
There, you’ll have a lit feast in front of the LORD, your God. You gotta be hyped about all the awesome stuff you’ve been crushing, you and your crew. That’s all thanks to the blessings from the LORD, your God.
Don’t just copy-paste everything we’re doing today, thinking it’s all good.
Yo fam, you haven’t even tapped into the chill vibes and the lit blessings that the LORD your God is hooking you up with yet.
When you’re crossing the Jordan and settlin’ in the land that the LORD your God’s hooking you up with, and when He gives you a break from all those haters coming at you from every direction, so you can live your best life without stress;
So, there’s gonna be this super chill spot that God Himself picks out to be all holy and legit. You gotta bring everything I tell you there – your burnt offerings, sacrifices, tithes, and even those awesome promises you make to God. Like, anything and everything you promise to Him, bring it to that epic place!
And you shall vibe with the LORD your God, you, and your squad, and your fam, and your homies, and your girls, and the Levite who’s chillin’ in your hood; ’cause he ain’t got no share or property like you do.
Yo, listen up! Don’t be out here offering up your burnt offerings just anywhere, okay?
But, like, in the spot that the LORD picks, within one of your tribes, that’s where you gotta bring your burnt offerings, and that’s where you gotta follow all my commands, got it?
But hey, it’s chill if you wanna feast on some meat in all your spots, whatever your heart desires, all good ’cause it’s the blessing from the man upstairs, the LORD your God. Whether you’re all pure and clean or not, you can still chow down on it, like a full-on feast of venison.
Just don’t consume blood, it’s a no-go. Gotta spill it on the ground like water, no exceptions.
Yo, you can’t be chowing down on that tithe of corn, wine, oil, or the firstborns of your herds or flocks within your crib. And yo, don’t be touching any of them vows you be making, or them freewill offerings and heave offerings you be giving, fam.
But like, you gotta eat them in the place that, you know, God chooses, with you, your siblings, your chill servants, and even the Levite dude in your town. And while you’re at it, make sure you’re hype and happy when you do anything with your hands, like showing love to God, ya know?
Yo, make sure you don’t abandon the Levite while you’re still kickin’ it on this planet. (For real, all your days, man.)
When God gives you more land, just like He promised you, and you’re like, ‘Yo, I wanna feast on some meat because my soul is craving it,’ then go ahead and eat all the meat your heart desires.
If the spot that God picked to bless is too far away from you, you gotta sacrifice some animals from your own farm, just like He told you. Then you can grub on whatever your heart desires right at home!
Just like when people eat roebuck and hart, you’ll be able to eat them too, whether they’re clean or unclean.
Just make sure you don’t munch on blood, ’cause that’s where the real juice is! No mixing life with your food, y’know? Stay strong!
Don’t grub on it, just pour it out like water on the ground.
Don’t chow down on it, so you and your squad can be blessed for generations to come, only if you stay on the right path that the big man upstairs sees as legit.
Just take your sacred things and vows, and head to the spot that the LORD has picked out, no doubt!
And you gotta bring your burnt offerings, like, the meat and the blood and all that, and present it on the altar of the LORD your God. The blood from your sacrifices should be poured out on the altar of the LORD your God, and you can totally chow down on the meat.
Listen up and pay attention to all these words I’m telling you, so that things go smoothly for you and your fam forever. When you do what’s cool and righteous in the eyes of the LORD your God, trust me, it’s gonna be lit.
Once the Big Man upstairs clears out all the nations that you’ve gotta deal with and you take over their land and settle down, like totally rockin’ it there; (inheritest, like keepin’ it in the family, or possessest them, like stakin’ your claim)
Make sure you don’t get caught up trying to imitate those people who are about to be wiped out from your midst. Don’t start asking around about their gods, like ‘Hey, how did these nations worship their gods? Should I do the same?’
Don’t even think about doing that to the LORD your God, ’cause all the messed up stuff they’ve done to their gods—burning their own sons and daughters as sacrifices—yeah, God totally hates all that nasty business. #notcool
Whatever I tell you to do, make sure you do it, no adding or subtracting allowed.

Deuteronomy 13

Deuteronomy 14

Yo, listen up! You guys are like God’s lit squad. So, don’t go cutting yourselves or shaving your eyebrows to mourn the dead. Not cool, fam!
Because like, you’re super special to God, like a total vibe He digs. He picked you to be His chosen crew, standing out from all the other nations on this planet.
Don’t eat anything that’s totally gross, fam.
These are the animals that are totally fine for you to munch on: beef, fluffy sheep, and the GOAT!
Yo, check out these dope animals: the hart, the roebuck, the fallow deer, the wild goat, the pygarg (aka bison), the wild ox, and the chamois. That’s what’s up! 🦌🐐🦬
And every animal that has split hooves and chews cud, you can totally eat.
But, like, stay away from animals that chew cud but don’t have split hooves, like camels, hares, and conies. They’re unclean for you, ya know?
And pigs, no way! Even though they have split hooves, they don’t chew cud. So, don’t eat their meat or touch their dead bodies, bro.
You can munch on any fish with fins and scales.
But if it doesn’t have fins and scales, it’s unclean for you.
You can chow down on any clean bird, fam.
But these are the ones you shouldn’t eat: the eagle, ossifrage, and osprey,
And the fierce falcon, the cool AF hawk, and the savage eagle in all its dope variations,
And like, every raven looking all slick and cool,
And like, the chill owl, night hawk, cuckoo, and hawk in their own unique styles,
The tiny owl, mega owl, and majestic swan,
And like, the pelican, eagle, and cormorant,
And like, the stork, heron and its squad, the lapwing, and even the bat.
Every creepy crawly thing that flies is totally uncool. You can’t eat them, like, ever.
But you can totally chow down on any clean bird.
Yo, don’t eat any animals that died on their own. Give it to the homie in your area or sell it to someone from another land. Remember, we’re a special crew chosen by the LORD your God. Oh, and don’t cook a baby goat in its mom’s milk. That’s a no go.
You gotta give a tenth of all your crops each year.
Flex before the Lord your God, in the spot He chooses, with 10% of your grain, wine, oil, and the firstborn of your animals; so you’ll always show mad respect to the Lord your God.
If the journey is too tough, or the place is too far from where the LORD your God wants to be worshipped, and the LORD your God has blessed you:
Then sell your stuff for cash, and head over to the spot God picked out.
Spend that cash on whatever you crave, whether it’s sick oxen, dope sheep, lit wine, or strong drinks. Get whatever your soul desires. Then, you and your fam can feast before the LORD your God and have a blast.
And don’t forget the Levite in your town; they don’t have any inheritance like you.
Every three years, bring all the extra cash you made and stash it within your own hood:
So the Levite, the outsider, the kid without a dad, and the widow in your place can come and have a meal and be full. Then, the LORD your God will bless you in everything you do.

Deuteronomy 15

Every seven years, you gotta let it go, fam.
Here’s the deal: If your buddy owes you something, let it slide. You can’t be forcing your bro to pay up because it’s the LORD’S release. No need to flex on them, ya feel?
It’s chill to ask a foreigner to pay you back, but when it’s your bro, you gotta let it go. Don’t hold onto what’s theirs.
Imagine a world where nobody’s broke because the LORD is showering you with blessings in the land He’s giving you. That’s the dream: no poverty, just blessings from the Big Guy upstairs!
Make sure you’re really listening to the LORD your God and following all the commandments I’m laying down today.
God’s got your back: you’ll have enough to help others without needing help yourself. You’ll lead many nations, and no one will boss you around.
If you see one of your bros struggling and broke in your town, don’t be cold-hearted and stingy. Help your poor bro out:
Be generous and lend him enough to cover what he needs.
Watch out for any shady thoughts, thinking the seventh year, the year of release, is coming soon. Don’t be stingy against your poor bro, refusing to give him anything. If he cries out to the LORD because of you, it’s gonna be counted as a sin.
Give to him without regrets, and your heart won’t feel bad about it. When you give, the LORD your God will bless you in everything you do and wherever you go.
Poverty’s a real thing, man. So, I’m telling you to be generous to your homies, especially those struggling in your hood.
If your bro or sis ends up sold to you and serves you for six years, let them go free in the seventh year. No more servitude.
When you set him free, don’t send him away empty-handed:
Hook him up big time from your stash, your best stuff. Share whatever blessings the LORD your God has given you.
Remember, you were a servant in Egypt, but the LORD your God saved you. So, you gotta do this, alright?
If someone says they won’t leave you because they love you and your crib, here’s what you do:
Take a piercing tool and put it through their earlobe into the door. That makes them your servant for life. Do the same for your female servants too.
Don’t stress when you let him go free, ’cause he’s been a top-notch worker for six years. Trust me, the Big Guy upstairs will bless everything you do.
When it comes to the firstborn males of your herd and flock, set them apart as holy for the LORD your God. Don’t use that firstborn bull for labor or shear the firstborn sheep, okay?
Every year, feast in the place God chooses with your fam.
If it’s broken or messed up in any way, don’t offer it as a sacrifice to God.
Eat it in your hood: whether you’re clean or unclean, everyone can dig in, just like a roebuck or a deer.
Just don’t consume the blood; pour it on the ground like water.

Deuteronomy 16

Yo, remember to keep it real in the month of Abib and celebrate Passover to honor the LORD your God. That’s when He came through and saved you from Egypt in the middle of the night.
So, make sure you offer the Passover sacrifice to the LORD your God. Pick some animals from your flock or herd and head to the place where He wants you to offer it. That’s where His name’s gonna be, you know.
Don’t even think about pairing this with leavened bread. For seven days, stick to unleavened bread. This is the bread of affliction ’cause you had to bounce from Egypt in a hurry. This is all to make sure you never forget that epic escape.
Make sure there’s no yeast in your bread for the whole week, and don’t leave any leftover meat from your evening sacrifice until morning.
Don’t throw a Passover party at your crib where God hooks you up.
When the LORD your God picks a spot to establish His name, that’s where you gotta offer the Passover sacrifice. Do it in the evening, just as the sun sets, like when you left Egypt.
Fire up and chow down on it in the spot the LORD your God picks out. Then, bounce in the AM and head back home.
For six days, you can munch on that unleavened bread, but on the seventh day, gather up for a lit celebration for the LORD. No work allowed on that day, fam. #RestDay
You gotta count seven weeks from when you start harvesting the grain.
Celebrate the Feast of Weeks for the LORD your God by offering something dope from your harvest. Give to the LORD according to how He’s blessed you. Make sure it’s enough, ya know?
Flex and be lit before the LORD your God with your squad, your peeps who hold you down, those who do the dirty work, those serving in the Lord’s house, even those who aren’t from your crew, those without a fam, and those who lost their bae. Turn up in the spot where the LORD your God wants to be worshipped.
Don’t forget how you were enslaved in Egypt. Make sure you follow all these rules, okay?
Celebrate the Festival of Tabernacles for a week after you’ve gathered your grain and made some wine. #HarvestVibes
Have a lit time at your feast with your Main Squad, your fam, your homies, the Levite, the stranger, those without their pops around, and the widows in your hood.
For a whole week, throw down a lit celebration for the LORD your God at the spot He picks out. The LORD your God will bless you in everything you do, so be hyped and have a good time!
Three times a year, all y’all gotta show up before God at the spot He picks: during the Feast of Unleavened Bread, the Feast of Weeks, and the Feast of Tabernacles. Don’t show up empty-handed.
Each person should give according to their ability, based on the blessings from the LORD your God. Just give what you can, no pressure.
Make sure you appoint judges and officers at all your entrances. The Almighty is hooking you up with them in every tribe. Their job is to bring righteous justice and make fair judgments.
Don’t be unfair in making decisions; don’t play favorites or take bribes. Gifts can cloud the minds of the wise and twist the words of the righteous.
Be all about justice, for real. That’s how you’ll live your best life and get that sweet land the LORD your God is hooking you up with. #blessed #inheritance
Don’t set up any chill tree spots next to God’s altar, okay? That’s a big no-no.
And don’t even think about making any replica or statue that God despises.

Deuteronomy 17

Yo, fam, check it, don’t even think ’bout bringing some janky bullock or sheep to the big man upstairs, aight? That’s like major disrespect vibes, straight-up gross to the Almighty. And don’t even try to be slick, swapping out a sheep for a goat won’t slide either, got it?
If you peep someone in your crew, chillin’ in your ‘hood that the big man upstairs connected you with, whether it’s a dude or a chick, and they’re on some whack stuff that goes against the divine flow,
And, like, totally ditched the main squad to worship other gods, you feel? Like, getting all obsessed with the sun, the moon, or any of those celestial vibes, even though I never co-signed that.
So, if someone spills the tea to you, and you catch wind, and you start diggin’ for the truth, and, OMG, turns out it’s legit, that some seriously messed up stuff is goin’ down in Israel:
Yo, if there’s someone straight up doing some messed up stuff, you gotta bring them to the crew, you dig? Then, everyone gathers, grabs stones, and tosses ’em until they’re out, dude.
If a couple of peeps confirm it, then the one who deserves to get called out will get what’s coming, ya know? But if it’s just one person talking smack, they can’t just decide to cancel someone.
The ones who saw it go down will be the first to step up and lay it down, and then everybody else follows suit. That’s how you clear out the bad vibes in your squad.
When you’re dealing with a tough situation, whether it’s fam drama, different sides beefin’, or even physical fights going down in your crew, head to the spot chosen by the man upstairs to sort it out.
Yo, like, you gotta hit up the priests, you know, the Levites, and also the judge who’s calling the shots at that time, and ask them what’s the deal. They’ll totally clue you in on the verdict and all that jazz.
And you gotta do what they say in that spot that the LORD chooses, and make sure you follow all their instructions:
Listen up, squad! When the law peeps drop knowledge on you about what to do and how to judge, you gotta roll with it. Don’t veer off from their guidance, whether it’s to the right or the left.
If someone acts all disrespectful and straight up ignores the priest or judge who’s holding it down for the LORD your God, that person gonna face some real consequences – they’re gonna be outta here, and that evil’s getting kicked out of Israel.
And y’all gonna hear it loud and clear, get woke, and stop being so extra.
So, picture this: You finally touchdown in the land the Big Guy upstairs hooked you up with, settle in, and start vibing there. Then you’re like, “Hmm, I wanna be like those other nations and have a king.”
But hold up, you gotta pick a king that the Big Guy upstairs approves of. Can’t just pick some random outsider, nah, they gotta be one of your own crew.
But here’s the deal: This king shouldn’t be flexing with a fleet of horses or tryna take y’all back to Egypt just to show off more horses. Big Guy already laid down the law: “No way y’all are going back there.”
Yo, dude shouldn’t be out there collecting a bunch of wives ’cause it’s gonna mess with his focus, you feel? And he shouldn’t be all about stacking cash, like silver and gold and all that jazz.
So, once he’s crowned king, he needs to make himself a sick handwritten copy of this law from the book that the priests, the Levites, got on lock.
He’s gotta keep that thing on him at all times, reading it every single day, so he gets how rad God is and can follow all the rules and commands in there.
He can’t go acting all high and mighty, thinking he’s above the rules, doing whatever he pleases. Nah, he’s gotta stay on track, not swerving left or right. That’s how he’ll have a solid reign as king, with his crew, ruling over all of Israel.

Deuteronomy 18

Yo, check it, fam. Them priests, Levites, and the whole Levi squad ain’t scoring land or riches like the rest of Israel. Nah, instead, they’re vibing on them fire sacrifices and getting what’s the LORD’s cut.
So, like, peep this: they ain’t bagging their own land, ya feel? The LORD’s their only come-up, just like He laid it out.
And here’s the deal on what the priest scores from the peeps offering sacrifices, whether it’s an ox or a sheep: they toss the priest the shoulder, both cheeks, and the gut, straight up.
You gotta hook ’em up with the primo stuff—your best crops, wine, oil, and even the first of your sheep’s fleece, no cap.
Yo, check it: God’s picked this dude from all your tribes, to be, like, the minister in the name of the LORD, him and his kids, like, forever.
And if a Levite comes from any of your cities in Israel, where he’s been chillin’, and comes with all his passion to the place that the LORD will choose;
So, like, he’s gonna serve in the name of the LORD his God, just like all his fellow Levites who are already standin’ in front of the LORD, you know?
They’ll get their fair share to eat, plus whatever they make from sellin’ their inherited property.
Yo, once you’ve scored that sweet spot the LORD’s hooking you up with, don’t even entertain the thought of copying the messed-up vibes of those other nations kicking it around you.
None of your squad can be down with sacrificing their kid, or vibing with divination, or scrolling through horoscopes, or pulling magic tricks, or getting into witchcraft.
Or if they’re all about tarot cards, or chatting it up with spirits, or dabbling in witchy stuff, or summoning the dead.
Seriously, anyone who’s into that scene is, like, totally whack in the eyes of the Lord, you feel? And because they’re such a vibe kill, the Lord your God is, like, totally kicking them out of your turf. So, just steer clear of all that, cool?
It’s all about vibing with the Most High, for real. Like, you gotta be genuine with the Big Guy upstairs.
So, peep this, when you’re rolling into these new territories, just know they were all about that astrology and fortune-telling vibe. But straight up, the Most High wasn’t about that life for y’all. He’s got way better plans, fam. No joke.
The Most High’s gonna raise up a Prophet for y’all, from your own squad, just like me. You gotta pay attention to what he’s dropping.
Remember that time at Horeb when you were like, “God, I can’t deal with all these vibes, the fire and your voice is too much, I’m out”?
And God was like, ‘Whoa, they totally got it with what they just said.’
I’m gonna choose one of their own crew, kinda like you, and I’m gonna drop my words on them to spread. Whatever I tell them, they’re gonna share it with everyone else.
And it’s gonna be like, if anyone brushes off the words I’m about to lay down in my name, they’re gonna be responsible for it, you feel?
But, like, if some wannabe prophet thinks they can just roll up, claiming to speak for me, using words I never gave ’em or trying to rep other gods, they better watch out ’cause that prophet’s heading for some major consequences, like, total wipeout.
And if you’re like, okay, how do we know if the LORD didn’t really say this?
If a prophet says something’s gonna go down in the name of the LORD, but it doesn’t, then you can be sure the LORD didn’t say it, and that prophet was just talking without any real backing. Don’t let that prophet get you shook.

Deuteronomy 19

Once the Almighty clears out those territories and hands you their turf, and you move in and set up shop in their crib;
Listen up, fam, you gotta establish three lit cities smack dab in the middle of your hood, ’cause that’s the primo land that the LORD your God is blessing you with.
Yo, carve out a path for yourself and split up the different zones of the land that the LORD your God is serving you as your slice, dividing it into three sections so that anyone who accidentally takes a life can dip to a safe spot.
So here’s the deal with someone who unintentionally takes another life. They can bounce to a safe spot and avoid any heat. But peep this, it only goes down if they didn’t have any prior beef with the person they offed, like it was a straight-up random act. Oh, and when it says ‘yesterday the third day’, it basically means recently. Just clarifying that for ya!
Picture this: You and your bro decide to hit the woods for some tree chopping action. One of you swings the axe, ready to make some firewood magic happen, but whoopsie-daisy! The axe head flies off the handle and accidentally nails his buddy, ending him. Now, the guy who swung that axe has to bolt to one of those designated cities to seek refuge and save his own skin. (By the way, in Hebrew, ‘head’ means ‘iron,’ ‘helve’ means ‘wood,’ and ‘lighteth upon’ means ‘findeth’!)
Yo, check this out: if someone accidentally takes out another person, they better watch their back because the deceased’s crew might come at them full throttle with rage, seeking payback. It could turn into a full-blown chase, and if they catch up, it might end with the accidental killer biting the dust. But, if they can prove there was no beef between them before, then the accidental killer shouldn’t get the death sentence. Pretty intense, huh?
So, like, I’m telling you, you gotta carve out three chill spots just for yourself, okay?
And if the big man upstairs, your main homie God, hooks you up with more land just like He promised your ancestors, and hands over all the territory He swore to give them;
Yo, if you’re vibing with all these rules and actually living them out, I’m telling you, like, love up on the LORD your God and keep walking in His ways. Then boom, you score three extra cities on top of what you already got.
Don’t let anyone spill innocent blood in the turf that the Lord your God hooked you up with as inheritance, ’cause if that goes down, you’re held accountable, fam.
But, like, if someone straight-up despises their neighbor, plotting to mess them up or worse, causing major harm or even death, and then dips and hides out in one of these cities: (just so you know, “mortally” means causing loss of life in Hebrew, FYI)
So, like, the OGs from his hood will send someone to drag him back and hand him over to the avenger dude, so he can face the music, you know?
Yo, peeps, gotta keep it real with ya. Showin’ empathy ain’t easy sometimes, but we gotta wipe out that innocent blood stain from Israel, ya feel? It’s gotta be all smooth vibes for ya.
Bros and sis, respect the OG property lines, ya know? The Most High’s laid ’em down since day one. When you’re inheritin’ the land, it’s all yours, so no sneaky moves with them boundaries.
Hold up, fam! You can’t just throw shade on someone based on one person’s word. Nah, it’s gotta be legit with two or three witnesses backing it up.
And listen up, if someone rolls in with fake tea tryna stir up drama and spread lies? Nah, not cool, fam. Keep it 💯, ya dig?
So, picture this: these two homies got beef, right? They’re about to stand before God, the priests, and the judges of their time, you feel me?
The judges gotta be on their A-game, like, deep dive into the situation. And if it turns out the witness was straight-up lying, throwing shade on their own bro…
Treat ’em just like they were gonna treat their bro— that’s how you squash that negativity within your squad.
When the word gets out, everyone’s gonna be shook. They’ll think twice before pulling that shady move again with y’all watching.
No room for sympathy here, it’s all about fairness: eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, hand for a hand, foot for a foot.

Deuteronomy 20

Yo, when you’re in the heat of battle, facing mad horses, chariots, and a whole squad rollin’ deep, don’t stress, fam. God’s got you covered, no cap. Remember, He’s the one who busted you outta Egypt, so you’re chillin’.
Before you hit the battlefield, the priest’s gonna come through with some words of wisdom,
Aight, listen up, Israel! Today’s the day we’re taking on our enemies, but keep your heads up, stay strong, and don’t let fear creep in!
Yo, peep this: The LORD your God’s right there with you, ready to throw down for your sake, all about that saving life.
And the leaders gotta speak to the squad, like, “Hey, if there’s a dude who just built himself a sick new crib but hasn’t thrown a dedication party for it yet, he can dip and head back home. We don’t want him getting wrecked in battle while someone else hypes it up.”
Bro, picture yourself as this guy who’s planted a lit vineyard but hasn’t even tasted its fruit yet. If that’s you, you better bounce back home, like ASAP, before you end up dead in battle and some other dude just comes along and enjoys the fruits of your labor. No lie, you gotta protect what’s yours, fam.
Yo, what if a dude gets engaged to a girl but hasn’t sealed the deal, you know? So, if he’s about to go to war and hasn’t gotten down with his girl yet, he should just bounce back home and avoid risking his life. ‘Cause if he dies in battle, some other dude might swoop in and snatch her away.
And the officials will talk to the crew again, saying, if anyone out here is feeling scared or timid, it’s all good for them to head back home, because we don’t want anyone’s vibes dropping, you feel? We gotta keep the energy strong for everyone!
So, after the big bosses finish their chat with the crew, they’ll pick out some head honchos to lead the squads and keep everyone in line.
When you’re rolling up on a city ready to throw down, give ’em a heads up that you’re all about that peace vibe.
If they’re feeling it and they’re cool with you, then boom, that whole city is yours, paying dues and riding with your crew.
But if they’re not down to chill and they start some drama, you gotta circle their spot and put pressure on ’em:
When the Big Man upstairs hands you the keys, it’s game on. Grab your trusty sword and go full warrior mode, taking down every single opponent without holding back.
Check it, fam! Once you’ve cleared the place out, it’s all yours. The loot, the crib, even the pets – it’s a victory feast courtesy of the Most High. #blessed
Now, peep this: those distant cities that ain’t in your squad? Yeah, they’re fair game too. Same rules apply, no exceptions.
But when it’s time to claim your turf, courtesy of the man upstairs, leave no one standing. It’s all about securing that inheritance, ya dig?
Like, seriously, you gotta wipe ’em out – the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, okay? ‘Cause that’s what the LORD your God told ya to do, no ifs, ands, or buts!
So, don’t copy their messed up ways, ya feel? They’ve been doing all sorts of janky stuff in the name of their gods. If you start doing the same, it’s gonna be a major sin against the big guy upstairs, the LORD your God.
Hey, when you’re laying siege to a city for a bit, trying to take it over, don’t go hacking down the trees with some whack axe. Those trees can be useful for grub, dude, so don’t chop ’em just for your siege. Remember, the trees out there are like someone’s life, they shouldn’t be casualties of your warfare. So, be woke and don’t go lumberjackin’ without a good reason.
Only bust up and chop down trees that ain’t for chow. Put up walls against the city that’s beefin’ with you until they tap out. (And trust, they gonna tap out.)

Deuteronomy 21

Alright fam, if someone’s found dead in the land the LORD your God’s hooked you up with to chill in, lying in a field, and nobody knows who’s behind it:
So, here’s the scoop: the OGs, you know, the elders and judges, they’re gonna roll up and do some recon. Yeah, they’re gonna scope out all the cities around where someone got murked.
So, like, if a city is close to where homie got taken out, the OGs from that hood gotta bring a young cow that hasn’t clocked in any hours or pulled any heavy loads, ya feel?
Yo, so the OGs from that city gotta take the cow down to this wild valley, where no one’s ever laid down crops or planted anything, and straight up slice its neck right there in the valley, no cap:
So, the Levite priests are gonna step in, ’cause God’s like, “You’re my chosen ones, gonna bless people in my name and sort out any drama.”
And all the elders from that hood, who live near the dead dude, gotta do a hand cleanse over the cow that’s gonna get its head chopped off down in the valley:
And they’re gonna be like, “Bruh, we ain’t do this, swear. Our hands are clean, we didn’t spill this blood. And for real, we didn’t even see this go down, swear on it.”
Lord, be chill and show some mercy to your squad, Israel, ya know? You’ve straight up saved ’em and all, so don’t pin innocent blood on ’em. Forgive ’em, and everything will be all good, you feel?
Yo, if you stay woke and don’t mess with innocent peeps, you’ll be keeping it 💯 guilt-free. It’s all about vibing with the Most High, feel me?
When you’re gearing up to face your haters in a showdown, and the Most High hooks you up with that W and catches your foes,
Check it, imagine you spot a queen among the captives and you’re feeling those relationship vibes, like she’s the one, you dig?
So you bring her to your crib, and she gotta freshen up, like a new ‘do and a mani-pedi; gotta keep it fly, you know what I’m saying?
So, like, this girl will ditch her TikTok gear, crash at your place, and spill about her fam drama for a solid month. Then, you can swoop into her DMs, lock her down as your bae, and she’ll be your ride or die.
If you’re not feeling the vibe with her, you gotta let her roam and do her own thing. But seriously, you can’t treat her like she’s some commodity to flip or hustle, ’cause that’s just straight-up disrespectful.
Let’s say this dude’s juggling two wifey situations—one’s his main squeeze, the other, not so much. They both pop out kids for him. Now, if the firstborn is from the less-favorite wifey…
So, when this dude’s divvying up his stuff among his sons, he can’t play favorites, even if the older kid’s from the less-loved wifey. Gotta keep it fair, fam.
So, like, peep this, right? When it comes to acknowledging the main homie’s son, even if he’s not vibing with him as much as the others, he’s gotta show some major respect, like, recognizing him as the top dog, ya feel? And he’s gotta hook him up with, like, double the blessings and all, ’cause, you know, the underdog is the one bringing the energy and representing the fam’s strength. So, yeah, giving him the firstborn status is totally legit, like, no cap.
Picture this scenario, fam: there’s this dad dealing with a seriously stubborn and rebellious kid. This dude straight up blanks his dad and his mom. And get this, even when they try to lay down the law, he’s like, nah, not having it, bro.
So, like, his parents are gonna snatch him up and take him to the OGs of the town, you know? And they’ll drag him to the spot where all the town’s talk goes down, for real.
And they’re gonna be like, yo, town elders, listen up. Our boy here is all about that stubborn life, straight up ignoring us. Dude’s a full-on muncher and party animal, no lie.
Then all the homies from the town gotta, like, throw rocks at him until he’s out, man. That’s how you gotta clean house and keep the vibe righteous in your crew. And when everyone in the land hears about it, they’re gonna be shook, I’m telling you.
And if a dude pulls some real messed up stuff that’s deserving of a death sentence, and he’s gotta go, you hang him on a tree, you know?
But listen, don’t let him hang overnight; make sure you lay him to rest that same day. (Because someone who’s hanged is considered cursed by the big guy upstairs.) This is to keep your land, which the LORD your God is handing over to you as a legacy, from getting tainted.

Deuteronomy 22

Yo, don’t act like you didn’t peep when your homie’s ox or sheep bounced. You gotta bring ’em back, no cap.
If your homie ain’t around or you don’t know where he at, then you gotta bring that lost animal to your crib. Hold onto it till your homie rolls up, then hand it back over.
Treat your squad’s stuff like it’s your own—same goes for their pets, clothes, or anything they lost that you find. Don’t be sketchy and try to keep it for yourself, just do what’s righteous!
If your bro’s donkey or ox trips up on the road, don’t just ghost them. Lend a hand and help ’em back on their grind.
Ladies, stick to your own drip, and fellas, same goes for you—no crossing the line with the Most High.
Yo, if you spot a bird’s nest while you’re out vibin’, whether it’s up in a tree or on the ground, with some baby birds or eggs, and the mama bird is holding it down, don’t swipe the whole crew:
But, like, make sure to let the mama do her thing, and, like, take care of her babies; so that everything goes smooth for you, and so you can live your best life, ya feel?
When you’re setting up your new spot, make sure to throw up a safety fence around your rooftop, so nobody accidentally takes a tumble and gets wrecked. Safety’s key, squad!
Don’t mix up the seeds when you’re planting your vineyard, or else your crops will be a total bust.
Don’t mix and match your power duo – an ox and a donkey ain’t on the same grind, keep ’em separate.
Yo, don’t be mixing up your threads, like, don’t rock wool with linen.
Toss some fringes on all your gear, man, especially on those four corners, you know, like the wings.
If a dude hooks up with a chick and then things go south, and he’s straight-up not feeling her anymore,
And then he starts gossiping, spreading lies about her, claiming he hit that and she wasn’t pure when he did:
Well, her folks gotta come through, bring that proof of her purity to the town elders at the hangout spot, you dig?
So, like, this dad rolls up to the elders and he’s all, ‘Hey, fam, I hooked my daughter up with this dude as his wifey, but he’s straight up dissing her, you feel me?’
And, like, he straight-up throws shade at her, saying, ‘I didn’t find no purity vibes with your daughter,’ but they gotta bring out the receipts, you know, like the cloth that proves her innocence. And they gotta show that to the OGs of the city.
So, the big shots in the town gotta snatch up that dude and school him in front of everybody;
They’re gonna make him cough up a hefty fine of a hundred silver coins and hand ’em over to the girl’s pops, all ’cause he’s been spreading lies about a legit Israelite girl. And get this? He’s locked in with her for life. No breakups allowed, yo!
But if it turns out the girl ain’t keeping it 💯 and the signs of her purity ain’t there:
So they roll up to the girl’s dad’s place, and her squad starts tossing rocks at her till she’s out. She messed up big time by messing around in her own crib, stirring up some serious drama in Israel. That’s how you cleanse the vibes, fam!
If a dude hooks up with a married chick, they both gotta bounce, like, both of ’em. That’s how you cleanse the scene in Israel, dude.
Alright, peep this: If a girl, who’s all pure and hasn’t even dated anyone yet, is engaged to this guy, and then another dude swoops in and hooks up with her in the city…
So, like, you gotta take ’em both outside to the gate of the city and chuck rocks at ’em till they’re done, ya feel? The girl didn’t call for help in the city, and the guy? He was messing around with his neighbor’s wifey. That’s how you purge evil from your hood, man.
But listen up, if a dude runs into a girl who’s already promised to someone else out in the field and he straight up forces himself on her and does the deed, then that dude who crossed the line is the only one who’s gonna face the final consequence – death. (And by ‘force’ they mean like, strong-arm tactics, you know? Respect boundaries and consent, fam.)
Yo, hold up, no need to come down on the girl; she didn’t do squat to deserve punishment. It’s like when someone straight-up attacks their neighbor and off’s them. This is kinda like that vibe, you know?
So, picture this: dude stumbles upon this girl out in the field, and his fiancée loses her mind, screaming for help, but there’s legit no one around to rescue her.
If a guy scores a girl who’s, like, totally pure and not locked down with a ring, and they get caught in the act,
So, listen up, if a dude gets down with this girl, he’s gotta cough up fifty silver coins to her pops, and then they’re locked into this forever thing, ya dig? ‘Cause he, like, took her V-card or whatever, so he can’t just bounce later. It’s a forever deal, bro.
And yo, never ever should a dude try to step to his old man’s girl, or slide into his dad’s DMs. Keep it respectful, fam.

Deuteronomy 23

If anyone’s got their vibe messed up down there, they’re not gonna roll with the Big Guy upstairs.
Someone who’s born when the ‘rents weren’t official? Nah, they’re not getting into the divine squad, not even for a hot minute.
Ammonites and Moabites? Yeah, they’re blocked from joining the divine crew for a solid ten gens, no ifs or buts.
Remember when you dipped from Egypt? They didn’t even hook you up with snacks or hydration. And they tried to hire Balaam from Mesopotamia to throw shade your way.
But guess what? God was like, nah, not on my watch. Instead, the Big G turned that curse into a major blessing ’cause God’s love for you is next level, like, seriously infinite.
Yo, don’t be dissin’ on someone’s vibe or success, like, forever and ever, fam. Understand that it’s all about living that good life, ya feel?
Don’t throw shade at an Edomite; they’re part of the fam. Same goes for Egyptians, ’cause once upon a time, you were a stranger in their hood.
The offspring of these peeps will be accepted into the Lord’s squad by the third generation, straight up.
When the crew rolls out to deal with your haters, make sure you steer clear of any shady business.
If one of your squad ain’t feeling themselves ’cause of some nighttime struggles, it’s time to drop them from the crew. They can’t vibe with us anymore.
Yo, check it, when the sun dips low, gotta rinse off with some water. Once it’s pitch black, then you can bounce back to the camp, you know what I’m saying? It’s all about keeping it fresh and sticking to the code, you dig?
You need a chill spot outside the squad where you can vibe like a boss.
Always keep a tool handy with your gear. When nature calls, use it to dig a hole, then make sure to cover up your business.
‘Cause the Most High’s got your back, right smack in the midst of your crew, guarding you and laying the smackdown on your enemies. So, keep your squad clean, so He won’t bounce and mess with your flow. And just so you know, ‘unclean thing’ means anything shady.
Don’t be a snitch and rat out a runaway homie to their master, bro:
Yo, He’s gonna kick it with you, like, right here, in whatever spot He vibes with, like at one of your hangouts or whatever. Just show some respect, no bringing anyone down.
Ain’t no girl pulling shady moves or guys being sketchy among the crew, ya feel?
Keep your hustle money or any cash from sketchy deals out of the sacred space, man. That’s like majorly gross to the Big Guy up there.
Don’t be hitting your bros with interest when you hook them up with cash or grub or whatever. Like, why you gotta play them like that? Not cool, dude.
It’s all good to make a buck off lending to strangers, but with your own crew, nah, no interest, alright? That’s how you get those blessings flowing in the land you’re about to take over, you dig?
Yo, when you promise the big man upstairs, God, don’t flake out. He’s watching, and He ain’t gonna let it slide. Breaking a promise to the Almighty? Not cool.
But hey, if you’re not feeling the vow vibe, no pressure. No guilt trip here, fam.
If you say you’re gonna do something for God, do it. It’s like flexing your integrity muscles, keeping it real with what you said you’d do for the big guy.
When you’re chilling at your homie’s vineyard, snack on those grapes all you want. Just don’t stash any in your pockets, a’ight?
If you’re wandering through your neighbor’s crops and spot some corn, go ahead, grab a cob. But don’t go all “harvest mode” with a sickle, nah, that’s crossing the line.

Deuteronomy 24

Yo, if a guy gets hitched and then realizes he’s not vibing with his wifey anymore ’cause he found out something that’s bothering him, he can drop her a formal breakup letter, hand it over, and let her bounce.
Once she’s outta his crib, she’s free to explore new connections and become someone else’s main squeeze.
And yo, if the hubby later can’t even stand the sight of her and decides to drop the official “we’re done” papers, kicking her outta his place, or if he, like, passes away, she’s free from that marriage gig.
If a dude splits with his ex, he can’t just hit the rewind button on their relationship, ’cause that’s not cool and totally goes against what God’s about. Don’t mess up the land God gave you by doing shady stuff like that.
If a dude ties the knot with a new chick, he can’t just dip out for war or get caught up with work. He’s got a whole year to kick back at home and keep his lady happy. Nothing’s stopping him from doing that.
Ayo, no one should be snatching someone’s grind gear as collateral, whether it’s their low-key stuff or top-notch gear. That’s straight-up robbing them of their whole hustle.
If someone gets caught boosting their own homie from the Israel squad and tries to flip them for some cash or sells them off, that thief’s gotta deal with the consequences – like straight up facing the end. That’s how we keep the negative vibes outta here.
Listen up, fam, this is real talk. When it comes to dealing with leprosy, you gotta be extra cautious and pay mad attention. Follow every single thing the priests and Levites teach you, and stick to their playbook exactly as I laid it out. It’s crucial to stay on point, ya dig?
Don’t sleep on how the LORD your God dealt with Miriam when y’all were bouncing out of Egypt.
If you lend your bro something, don’t be rolling up in their spot demanding collateral. Don’t be all up in their grill, you feel me?
You gotta chill outside, and when you hook someone up, they gotta bring the goods outside to you.
And if your homie’s strapped for cash, you can’t hold onto their stuff overnight:
Yo, like, if someone loans you something, you gotta give it back by sundown so they can vibe in their own gear and get blessed by the man upstairs. That’s straight up righteous in the eyes of the LORD your God.
Don’t be a jerk to the hardworking low-income squad, whether they’re your crew or strangers in your ‘hood:
You gotta settle up before the day’s out, and don’t drag it till sunset. That person’s struggling and they’re counting on it, so don’t make ’em call out to the big guy upstairs and get you in hot water. They’re putting all their hopes in this, you dig?
So, like, peeps won’t get dragged for what their folks did, and kids won’t catch heat for their parents’ moves. It’s on each one to own up to their own stuff and handle the outcomes solo.
Don’t be messing with the rights of those on the fringes or those without parental units. And don’t even think about taking a widow’s gear as a guarantee.
But, like, gotta remember, fam, that you were straight-up slaves in Egypt, and the big G totally pulled you out of that jam, so, yeah, I’m throwing down this command, aight?
Yo, after you’ve bagged your harvest and you bounce leaving a bundle in the field, don’t double back for it. Let it slide for the outsiders, the parentless, and the widows. That way, the big man upstairs will bless all your grind, yo!
When you’re picking from your olive tree, don’t run over the branches again. Leave ’em for the ones on the outskirts, the orphans, and the widows.
For real though, when you’re harvesting your grapes, don’t be all extra and go over and over again to snag every last one. Save some for those who are low-key struggling, you know? Like, the ones who are flying solo or dealing with major loss.
And yo, remember how you were straight-up oppressed back in Egypt? That’s why I’m laying down these vibes for you. Keep it chill and hook up those in need, fam.

Deuteronomy 25

Yo, when there’s beef between peeps and they bring it to court, the judges gotta swoop in and lay down a fair verdict. They gotta stand with the righteous and call out the wrongdoers.
If some shady dude really deserves a reality check, the judge will make him take a seat and catch some hands right there, depending on the messed-up stuff he pulled, like a set number of hits.
Dude can’t go beyond forty lashes; if he does and goes all extra, then your bro’s gonna look weak in your eyes.
Don’t muzzle the ox while it’s grinding!
So, if two sibs are roomies and one kicks the bucket without any kids, the wife of the deceased can’t swipe right on someone outside the fam. Nah, instead, the bro of her late hub should step up, put a ring on it, and handle the biz that her man would’ve done.
A’ight, peep this, fam! So, like, if your bro’s lady pops out the firstborn, but then the firstborn’s bro is six feet under, the firstborn steps in and carries on his bro’s legacy in Israel, dig?
Now, if the dude ain’t down to marry his bro’s widow, she gotta roll up to the OGs at the gate and be like, “My bro’s man ain’t about continuing his legacy, ya feel?”
So, the elders gotta sit the dude down for a real talk, you know? And if he’s straight up like, “Nah, not my vibe,”
Yo, if he ain’t stepping up for his bro’s fam, his bro’s wifey gotta bring the heat. She gotta snatch his sneaker off, spit some truth in his face, and let everyone know he’s getting called out for not having his bro’s back. Straight up facts.
And from that day on, homeboy’s known as the dude with his kicks off, keepin’ it real in Israel.
So, picture this: You got these two dudes throwing down, and one dude’s girl steps in to save her man from getting wrecked. She goes for the sensitive area, trying to break it up.
But check it, you gotta be real here—cut off her hand, no hesitation, no sympathy vibes.
Bro, don’t be pulling a fast one, swapping out fake weights like it’s all good. Keep it legit, like having one rock that’s real and one that’s straight up fake.
And don’t be playing sneaky with your measuring cups at home. Keep it consistent, you feel? No mixing big ones with tiny ones. #Equality, y’all.
Gotta keep it 100 with your weights and measures. Do that, and you’ll be chilling in the land the Lord’s hooking you up with for a hot minute, no doubt.
If someone’s pulling shady moves or treating others unfairly, they’re seriously not vibing with the LORD your God.
Yo, remember when Amalek straight up ambushed you on the journey outta Egypt? Like, rude much!
They came from the back, hitting up the weakest and most tired of y’all. Zero respect for the Most High.
So, once the Big Guy upstairs gives you a breather from all the haters and blesses you with that promised land, you gotta wipe out any trace of Amalek. No joke, keep that memory fresh, okay?

Deuteronomy 26

Yo, once you finally roll up to the land that the Lord your God promised you, and you’re chilling there like you own the place;
So, make sure you snag the freshest fruits from your land and offer them up to the Lord your God. Put ’em in a dope basket and take ’em to the spot where God’s name is vibing.
So, go find the priest who’s holding it down, and be like, ‘Yo, I’m here to let the LORD your God know I made it to the land He promised our ancestors, you know, the one He said was ours.’
Then the priest will grab the basket from you and place it right in front of the LORD your God’s altar.
So like, listen up and tell God this, okay? My old man was about to kick the bucket, but he dipped to Egypt, kicked it with a small crew, and ended up forming this massive nation that was all lit, epic, and packed.
So, like, the Egyptians were totally harshin’ our vibe, man. They were straight up treating us like trash, making us grind and suffer through some crazy slavery gigs.
But when we were all cryin’ out to the LORD God of our folks, He totally peeped our scene. He saw the struggles, the hard graft, and all the oppression we were facing, you feel?
Yo, God came through for us, pulled us outta Egypt with some serious power moves, flexin’ His might and striking fear into everyone’s hearts. And let me tell ya, there were some wild miracles goin’ down too. It was like a full-on spectacle, fam.
And now, here we are in this lit promised land, flowing with milk and honey, courtesy of the man upstairs.
Yo, check it, just harvested the sickest crops from the land You hooked us up with, God. Now, I’m bringin’ it to You, showin’ some major respect.
Yo, gotta hype up all the lit blessings the LORD your God dropped on you and your crew – like, you, your squad, and even that cool outsider chilling with y’all.
So, after you stash away that tenth of all your crops in the third year, which is like, tithe-time, make sure to spread the love to the Levites, the foreigners, the orphans, and the widows in your hood so they can vibe with enough food and chillax.
Before you vibe with the big man upstairs, you gotta let Him know you’re totally down with bringing out the holy stash from your crib and sharing it with the Levite, the stranger, the kid without a dad, and the widowed homegirl, just like He said. And, BTW, you didn’t drop the ball on His rules or anything. Swear.
Nah, I didn’t munch on any of that when I was down, or use it for anything sketchy or unclean. And for sure didn’t offer any to the dead. Instead, I vibed with God and did everything He laid out.
Yo, God, peep us from your spot up in the heavens and bless up our squad, the Israelites, and this rad land you hooked us up with. You already promised our ancestors this lit spot, flowing with milk and honey.
Alright, check it: Today, the big man upstairs, the LORD your God, dropped some serious wisdom on you. He laid down all these rules and guidelines, and you gotta vibe with them, no cap. It’s not just about going through the motions; you gotta really feel it, deep down in your heart and soul.
You made a declaration today, like, you put it out there that the LORD is your main, and you’re all in. You’re down to ride with His flow, stick to His rules, and do what He says. And that means tuning in to His voice, staying connected, you feel me?
The big man upstairs handpicked you today, you’re his chosen crew, just like he promised. So, it’s on you to stay on point with all his guidelines.
God’s got a master plan for you, fam. He’s setting you up to be the top dogs, the most respected crew among all the squads out there. He wants you to rep Him hard, living in a way that brings mad props to His name, just like He said He would.

Deuteronomy 27

Moses was all like, “Hey fam, listen up! Gotta lay down some rules here, so pay attention, aight?”
So, when you finally dip across the Jordan River into the land the big man upstairs is hooking you up with, make sure to drop some dope stones and coat ’em up nice.
And don’t forget to jot down all these rules once you’ve made it through, so you can score access to that heavenly land God’s promising you—seriously, it’s gonna be off the charts, flowing with milk and honey, just like the OGs were promised!
So, once you’ve crossed that Jordan vibe, don’t sleep on setting up those stones, like I’m telling you today, up on Mount Ebal, and give ’em a fresh coat of paint!
Yo, when you’re setting up your worship spot for the big man upstairs, make sure it’s an altar made of rocks. And leave those metal tools out of it, no cap.
Yo, make sure you build the dopest altar for the Lord your God with all these solid stones, and don’t forget to flex some burnt offerings on it for the Lord your God. Just sayin’, fam.
And you gotta bring some lit offerings, munch on ’em, and vibe it up in front of the LORD your God.
And you gotta carve all the words of this law on the stones, like, super clear, you feel?
So, like, Moses and the Levite squad, they were talking to the whole crew of Israel, and they were like, ‘Yo, listen up! Pay attention, okay? Today, you’ve officially become the Lord’s squad, His chosen fam. So embrace it, y’all!’
So like, make sure you always listen to the voice of the LORD your God and, you know, follow all of his commandments and his rules that I’m laying down for you right now, alright?
Aight, peeps, gather ’round ’cause Moses got some real talk to drop today, ya feel?
So, when we hit up Mount Gerizim, it’s blessing time, ya heard? Shout out to Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin – they gonna bring the good vibes when we cross the Jordan.
But on the flip side, Mount Ebal’s where we gotta watch out for them bad vibes, ya know? Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali gonna be repping there. (And by bad vibes, I mean, like, curses, y’know?)
And check it, the Levites gonna step up and speak some truth to all y’all Israelites, straight up.
Listen up, if anyone starts carving or molding some idol that’s gonna tick off the Big Guy upstairs – I’m talking some sneaky craftsmanship here – that person’s bringing a curse on themselves, no cap. And the whole squad gotta shout ‘Amen’ to that, for real.
Yo, dissing your folks? Nah, that’s a major curse vibe, fam. Everybody gotta drop that ‘Amen.’
Messing with your neighbor’s markers? Not cool, dude. Straight facts.
Leading the blind off track? Bro, you’re in for some real trouble. Squad, hit up that ‘Amen.’
Messing with justice for the outsiders, orphans, or widows? Big mistake, yo. Everybody nodding, like, ‘Facts.’
Getting with your dad’s girl? Total disrespect, man. That’s straight-up cursed. Squad, you know what to say, ‘Amen’ to that.
Bro, if anyone’s messing around with animals, they’re just not right. And we’re all like, “Amen, for real.”
Yo, whoever’s getting with their sis, whether she’s from dad’s side or mom’s side, straight-up cursed! And everyone’s like, “Amen to that, bro!”
OMG, seriously, if someone’s getting with their mother-in-law, major curse vibes. And everyone’s like, “Amen, dude!”
Hey, if anyone’s sneakily hurting their neighbor, they’re just bringing bad juju on themselves. And you know everyone’s gonna be like, “Amen” to that.
Whoever’s taking cash to take out an innocent, that’s seriously twisted. And everyone’s gotta be on board with that, Amen.
Anyone not sticking to every single thing in this law? They’re in for some major curse action. And you better believe we’re all shouting, “Amen!”

Deuteronomy 28

Yo, if you’re seriously vibing with God and follow his vibes to a T, he’s gonna hook you up big time, like you’ll be at the top of the game, no joke.
And, bro, all these sick blessings are gonna be raining down on you, catching you off guard in the best way, if you’re actually tuning into what the LORD your God is saying.
You’re gonna be living your best life, whether you’re posted up in the city or kicking it in the fields.
Your squad, your crops, your pets, your dairy game, and your flock will all be blessed.
Your pantry and snack stash are gonna be stacked. No shortage of goodies, whether it’s fresh produce or dough for baking up some treats.
You’ll be #blessed when you’re coming in and #blessed when you’re peacing out.
God’s gonna straight-up wreck anyone who tries to mess with you. They’ll come at you from one direction, but end up scattering in seven different ones.
God’s gonna hook you up with blessings for all your grind, and everything you put your hands to will be blessed. Plus, he’s gonna bless you with those good vibes in the spot he’s giving you.
God’s gonna squad up with you for real, just like He promised, if you stay true to His vibe and roll with His rules.
And, yo, everyone worldwide is gonna recognize you as the LORD’s VIP, and they’ll have mad respect for you.
God’s gonna hook you up with major cash flow, like your bank account’s gonna be lit, your crew’s gonna thrive, and even your pets and crops will be on point. It’s all going down in the land that God swore to your ancestors, no doubt.
God’s about to bless you big time! He’ll shower you with blessings straight from heaven exactly when you need them. Everything you put your hands to will prosper, and you’ll be so stacked that you’ll be the one helping others out, not the other way around.
And God’s setting you up to lead, not follow; you’re gonna be at the top, not the bottom, as long as you’re vibing with God’s commands I’m laying down for you today.
And, like, don’t veer off from what I’m telling you today, ya feel? Don’t sway to the right or left, chasing after other gods and serving them. Just stay on track, dude.
But, yo, if you ain’t tuning in to the LORD’s voice and doing all His commands I’m laying out for you right now, then you’re gonna catch some serious bad vibes, straight up cursed.
You’re gonna struggle in the city, and things won’t be any easier in the fields.
Your shopping trips and your stash will straight up be a disaster.
Your offspring and crops gonna be straight-up cursed, and your cows and sheep won’t be thriving either, fam.
Yo, when you step in and step out, you’re entering a curse zone, no cap.
If you ghost on me and start doing shady stuff, brace yourself for some major bad vibes. The Most High gonna make sure everything you try turns into a hot mess, leaving you feeling hella frustrated and embarrassed. It’s gonna keep going until you’re wiped out, vanishin’ in a flash. Why? ‘Cause you’ve straight-up abandoned me and my vibe.
God gonna hit you with all kinds of diseases until you’re wiped out, no matter where you try to post up.
Bro, if you’re not staying in your lane, the Most High gonna hit you with a whole bunch of sickness and disasters. You’ll be dealing with sickness, fever, inflammation, burning, and even the sword. And there’s gonna be mold and mildew creepin’ up on you too, and they won’t chill until you’re outta here. Keep an eye out for that drought too, yo.
And like, your sky above you gonna be all metallic and stuff, and the ground beneath you gonna be solid as iron.
God gonna make the rain in your land dry and dusty, it’s gonna fall from above and just keep on rollin’ until you’re straight-up wrecked.
The Most High gonna let your enemies put you in checkmate. You’ll go out to battle all confident, but end up bouncing in seven different directions. And you gonna be scattered worldwide, no kingdom spared.
Yo, your body’s gonna be like a buffet for birds and animals, and ain’t nobody gonna scare ’em off.
God’s gonna hit you with some serious skin issues—bumps, rashes, sores, and itching that just won’t quit. No remedy’s gonna save you from that itch.
The big man upstairs gonna mess you up with madness, blindness, and a shock to your heart that’ll blow your mind.
You’ll be lost in the dark, trying to find your way but coming up empty. Your hustle won’t pay off, and you’ll get played without anyone coming to your rescue.
You’ll try to lock down a girl, but some other dude gonna swoop in. Build a crib but never chill in it. Plant a vineyard but watch others enjoy the grapes, no taste for you.
Your ox gets taken out in front of you, but you don’t even get a bite. Donkey snatched, sheep handed to your enemies, no one’s coming to save the day.
Your kids gonna be taken away, and you’ll be missing them non-stop, but you won’t have the power to change a thing.
Your hard-earned crops? Eaten up by some random nation you don’t even know, while you’re getting crushed, man. It’s gonna be brutal.
Prepare to be mind-blown by what you’re about to see.
God gonna mess you up, hitting your knees and legs with an incurable infection, spreading from your toes to your dome.
The big guy gonna take you and your king to a foreign land, where you’ll start worshipping wood and stone gods.
You’ll go viral, become a meme legend, throwing shade wherever the big man takes you.
You’ll sow a ton of seeds, but those locusts gonna devour ’em all, leaving you with squat.
Plant those vineyards, but the worms gonna feast on your grapes, leaving you dry.
Dude, your land’s gonna be poppin’ with olive trees, but you can’t hoard that oil for yourself. Nah, your olives gotta drop their fruit, no room for selfish vibes.
You’ll have kids, but you won’t see ’em growin’ up ’cause they’ll be taken away, like not even yours anymore.
Locusts are gonna straight-up munch on all your trees and chow down on your land’s fruit. They’ll be all over it, devouring everything.
That one friend in your crew? They’re gonna blow up and you’ll be, like, so not popular.
You’ll borrow from them but they won’t lend to you. They’ll be the bosses, you’ll be the sidekick.
And yo, all these bad vibes are gonna hit you hard, like they’ll chase you down and wreck you. It’s ’cause you didn’t vibe with the LORD your God and follow His rules and stuff.
It’s gonna be a sign, like a total mind-blow, for you and your crew, like, forever.
‘Cause you didn’t vibe with the LORD your God, you’ll miss out on all the awesome stuff He hooked you up with.
So basically, you’ll be under your enemies’ control, dealin’ with hunger, thirst, and lackin’ everything you need. Plus, you’ll be carryin’ this heavy burden till you’re wiped out.
Bro, the LORD’s sendin’ a whole nation after you, from crazy far away, like an eagle swoopin’ in real quick. And guess what? You won’t understand a word they’re sayin’. (FYI: ‘understand’ means ‘hear’ in Hebrew.)
They’ll be super scary, no mercy for the old heads or the young bloods.
And they’ll devour all your livestock and crops till you’re done for. No corn, wine, oil, or even milk left from your cows or sheep. It’s all gettin’ wiped out.
They’ll surround you at every entrance till your fancy walls crumble. You know, the ones you trusted to keep you safe in the land the LORD your God gave you.
So, when times get super tough, like when you’re in the thick of battle and your enemies are closing in, you might find yourself having to resort to some seriously grim survival tactics, even eating the flesh of your own kids, which the Big Man upstairs, your main homie, provides.
Imagine this scene: a guy who’s usually all about that sensitivity and being gentle, suddenly flips the switch and starts throwing shade at his wife and kids, the very ones he’s supposed to protect. Yeah, things are looking pretty bleak.
But hey, if things get so bad that a dude’s contemplating chowing down on his own offspring, you know it’s gone completely south. Especially when your enemies have you boxed in, hitting every city you’ve got.
Even the most delicate flower among you, who’s scared to even get her feet dirty, will be driven to such despair that she’ll give her fam the evil eye.
Picture this: she’ll be so desperate that she’ll resort to eating her own babies and even the afterbirth, all because of the dire situation when the enemy’s got you locked down, sending stress levels through the roof.
And if you don’t stick to the script laid out in this book, all to show some love and respect to the big man upstairs, THE LORD YOUR GOD,
Then get ready for a whole world of hurt. I’m talking about plagues so nasty, they’ll have you laid up sick for days, even years.
And as if that’s not bad enough, you’ll be dealing with all the diseases that freaked you out back in Egypt, and they’ll stick to you like glue, never letting go.
God’s gonna hit you with all kinds of sickness and plagues, stuff that’s not even mentioned in this book, until you’re completely wiped out.
Remember when you used to shine bright like the stars? Well, get ready to be outnumbered, outgunned, and out of luck, all because you refused to listen to the big guy himself, the LORD your God.
It’s gonna go down like this: just like God was all about blessing you and helping you grow, now He’s gonna be all about wiping you out and bringing you down. Say goodbye to the land you thought you were staking claim to.
You’ll be scattered all over the globe, from one end to the other. And you’ll end up bowing down to these other gods, made of wood and stone, that your ancestors never even heard of, bro.
Among these nations, there won’t be a moment’s peace for you. The Big Man upstairs will have your heart racing, your eyes dim, and your mind filled with sorrow.
Your life will be a rollercoaster of uncertainty, with worry eating away at you day and night, no safe harbor in sight.
You’ll be wishing for night when it’s morning and praying for morning when it’s night because the fear will have you shook, and the stuff you’ll see will haunt your dreams.
God’s gonna ship you back to Egypt, just like He warned you, and once you’re there, forget about ever seeing your homeland again. Brace yourself to be sold off as slaves to your enemies, with no one coming to your rescue.

Deuteronomy 29

Yo, check it! These words are straight from the LORD to Moses, for all the Israelite crew chillin’ in Moab. It’s like, major vibes, you know? Way bigger than the deal at Horeb, fam.
So, Moses gathers the whole Israel squad and goes, ‘Listen up, peeps! Y’all saw firsthand the insane stuff the Lord pulled off in Egypt, wrecking Pharaoh and his whole squad, and taking over the whole land! It was lit, man! Like, seriously.
Alright, fam, listen! You’ve been through some epic trials testing your faith, with mind-blowing signs and miracles, no cap!
But, like, until now, you couldn’t really grasp what’s really going on, ya know?
I’ve been guiding you for, like, 40 years on this crazy journey. And yo, your clothes stayed fresh, and your kicks stayed on point the whole time.
You haven’t even had bread or sipped any wine or hard drinks, just to recognize that I’m the LORD your God.
So, when we rolled up on Sihon, the king of Heshbon, and Og, the king of Bashan, they tried to throw down. But guess what? We straight-up wrecked them!
So, like, we took their turf and were like, ‘Yo, Reubenites, Gadites, and half of Manasseh, this spot’s yours now, for real.’
So, make sure you’re all about this covenant and actually do what it says. That’s how you’ll really succeed and thrive in everything you do.
Today, all y’all are here in front of the LORD your God – the leaders, the wise ones, and the whole Israelite crew.
Your squad, your bae, and the new peeps you got in your crew, from the one who chops your firewood to the one who grabs your drink:
It’s like, you gotta make this tight agreement with the LORD your God, and like, get all oath-y and stuff, ’cause the LORD your God is totally down to make this pact with you today.
So that you could be his chosen crew today, and he can be your ultimate squad goals just like he promised your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. So legit, right?
I’m not just making this covenant and promise with you, fam; it’s for everyone too, you feel me?
But with the squad that’s right here with us today, before the LORD our God, and also with those who aren’t present with us today:
So, like, you all know how we were living in Egypt for a while, right? And, like, how we had to go through all these other countries along the way?
And y’all have peeped the straight up whack stuff they worshiped, like wood and stone statues, even silver and gold. Can you believe they actually thought that junk was divine? Smh 🙄
Yo, listen up, fam! We don’t want any of y’all, whether you’re a guy, girl, part of a crew, or reppin’ a whole tribe, to be out here strayin’ from the Almighty, our God. Don’t even think about worshipin’ the gods that these other nations are into. We ain’t tryna have any toxic vibes or negativity takin’ root among us, ya feel me?
And when he hears this curse, he thinks to himself, saying, I’ll be fine, even if I keep following my own stubborn desires and pursue pleasure:
The Big Guy Upstairs won’t cut him any slack, in fact, he’s gonna be real ticked off and jealous at that dude. All the bad stuff promised in this book’s gonna hit him hard, and his name’s gonna be erased from this whole heaven deal.
And the Big G’s gonna single out that one dude for some serious bad vibes from all the tribes of Israel, just like all the crazy stuff written in this book of laws, ya know what I’m sayin’?
And when the future squad and those random folks from far-off spots peep the messed up stuff going down in that land, and all the sicknesses the Big G dropped on it, they gonna be like, ‘Whoa, that’s harsh!’
Yo, that whole place is a hot mess – we’re talkin’ brimstone, salt, and fire. It’s like a total wasteland, no crops, no greenery, zip. Kinda like when God went all rage mode and wiped out Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboim, ya dig?
Everyone’s gonna be like, “Why’s the Big G hitting this land with all this fury? What’s the deal with the major beef?”
So people are all like, ‘Bruh, it’s ’cause they totally ghosted the deal their ancestors made with the LORD God when He brought them out of Egypt.’
‘Cause they went and started stanning other gods, hardcore simping for them. These gods were like total strangers, fam, no vibe whatsoever. God was like, ‘Hold up, I didn’t even offer those gods to them, like, zero part of my playlist.’
But God was legit heated with this scene and decided to drop some serious consequences as mentioned in this book:
Then God, like, totally reached the limit with them and straight-up ejected them from their turf, all furious and blazing with intense vibes. He basically yeeted them into another spot, just like, you know, how it goes down these days.
God keeps the lowdown to Himself, but He lays down what we need to know for us and our squad forever, so we can stay vibin’ with His law.

Deuteronomy 31

So Moses was like, “Yo, listen up fam, I got some words to drop on all y’all Israelites.”
Alright, so check it, I’m hitting the big 1-2-0 today, and I’m totally not up for roaming around anymore, you feel me? The big man upstairs, He’s like, “Nah, Moses, you ain’t crossing that Jordan River, not happening.”
Your main man, the big G-O-D, He’s gonna straight-up wreck those other nations for you, and you’ll be scoring their turf. Joshua’s gonna lead the squad, just like the big man upstairs said.
God’s gonna handle them like He did with Sihon and Og, those Amorite kings, and their turf? Yeah, He’s gonna wreck it.
And God’s gonna let you loose on them, so you can flex your power and wreck ’em, just like I told you to do, fam.
Keep it a hundred, stay fearless and confident, ain’t no need to stress about them. ‘Cause the big man upstairs, He’s rollin’ with you; He won’t ghost you or leave you hanging, straight up.
So Moses texted Joshua like, “Hey, dude, listen up. You gotta be mega strong and brave. We’re heading to that land the Big Guy promised our ancestors. You’re gonna help lead the charge.”
The Big Guy upstairs? He’s got your back 24/7, no cap. He’s your ultimate wingman, always guiding the squad. He ain’t ever gonna ghost you or leave you hanging. So, chill out, stay strong, and keep pushing forward.
Moses wrote down these rules and passed them to the Levi crew, the ones lugging around the sacred chest containing God’s pact with the people. He also hooked up the VIPs in Israel with the rules.
Moses was like, “Listen up, y’all. Every seven years, during the big release year and the tabernacle bash,
When everyone gathers to kick it with the Big Guy at the chosen spot, you gotta blast this law loud and clear.
Get everyone there – dudes, chicks, kids, and even the outsiders. We need the whole crew to hear this, soak it in, and show some love to the Big Guy. They gotta stick to every rule in this law, no exceptions.
So even the clueless kids can hear and learn to respect the Big Guy as long as you’re living it up in the land you’re about to take over after crossing the Jordan.”
Yo, Moses, check it! The big guy upstairs just dropped me a message saying your time’s almost up and you’re about to peace out. So, grab Joshua and roll to the tabernacle meetup spot. God’s got some real talk for him. Moses and Joshua were on it, they hit up the tabernacle, no questions asked.
So, God shows up in the tabernacle, like this sick cloud pillar vibe, posted right at the entrance. Casual, right?
Yo, Moses, listen close. You’re about to kick it with your ancestors, and these peeps are gonna start checking out other gods in the land they’re roaming. They’ll ditch me and break the promise we made. #Betrayed
When that day comes, I’ll be seriously ticked. I’m bouncing, leaving them high and dry. They’ll be in for a world of hurt, facing tons of drama and issues. And they’ll be all like, ‘Aren’t we in deep because our God totally bounced on us?’
And yeah, I’m totally ghosting them that day for all the shady stuff they pulled by ditching me for other gods.
So, like, pen this lit track, you know? And make sure to school all the Israelite kids on it, bro! Get them to vibe and spread it. This track’s gonna be my way of calling out the Israelite crew, you dig?
So, when I finally drop them in that sick land I promised their ancestors, flowing with milk and honey, and they’ve had their fill, they’re gonna start worshiping other gods, dissing me, and straight-up breaking our deal.
Yo, check it, when life hits rock bottom and they’re deep in the struggle, this jam’s gonna hit ’em like, “Told ya so!” It’s gonna stick, even their grandkids gonna vibe to it. I’m already ahead of their game, leading them to that promised land, just like I promised.
Moses dropped some bars, spitting wisdom for the Israelite crew on the same day.
Then Big G told Joshua, son of Nun, to flex his strength and courage, ’cause he’s the one leading the squad to that promised land. And Big G promised to roll with Joshua every step of the way.
So, when Moses wrapped up penning all the law in a book, it was sealed, deal done, ya feel?
Moses gave the heads up to the Levites, lugging the sacred ark of the Lord’s covenant, saying:
Yo, peeps, grab this lit book of the law and slide it into the side of the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, ya feel? It’s gotta be there to, like, testify against you, fam.
Like, I totally get that you guys are rebellious and stubborn. But seriously, check it out: even though I’m still alive and kickin’ today, you’ve already been so rebellious towards the LORD. Can you imagine how much worse it’s gonna get after I’m gone, fam?
Yo, bring all the OGs and the squad leaders from your tribes to me, ’cause I gotta drop some knowledge in their ears and make heaven and earth bear witness to what I’m ’bout to say, squad up!
Cuz I know that once I’m gone, y’all are gonna totally mess things up and stray from the path I’ve laid out for ya. And guess what? Bad stuff is gonna happen to you in the future. Why? ‘Cause you’re gonna go and anger the Big Guy up there with all the messed up things you’re gonna do, ya heard?
So Moses like, totally dropped some sick rhymes in front of the whole Israel crew, spittin’ the lyrics of this epic song, keepin’ it going ’til the very end, vibes all the way, fam.

Deuteronomy 32

Yo, listen up, all you skies, I got some words droppin’! Earth, open up your ears and vibe with what I’m spittin’.
My teachings gonna be like sweet rain, my words flowin’ smooth like dew, blessing everything like a soft sprinkle on plants and giving life to the grass with gentle showers.
A’ight, I’m ’bout to lift up the name of the LORD, so let’s give mad props to our big man upstairs. He’s straight-up awesome, fam.
He’s like the top dog, his moves flawless: everything he does is just and true. He’s the realest, no shady business or slip-ups with him, straight-up righteous.
Yo, they messed up big time, ain’t vibin’ like his crew. They’re a twisted generation, all caught up in shady deals.
Seriously, you gonna diss the LORD like that, bro? He’s your day one, always got your back. Like, he brought you into this world, made you who you are, got you all set up, you feel me?
Hey fam, take a sec to rewind the clock and vibe on the good ol’ days. Hit up your pops for the scoop, or ask the OGs to drop some wisdom on you. #Wisdom
Way back, when the big guy upstairs was dividing up the world for everyone to claim their turf, he made sure to separate all the different crews out there, based on how many cool peeps from Israel were in each crew.
The Lord’s got a special bond with his squad, like Jacob’s his main homie. It’s like they’re tight like a cord, you feel?
So, like, he straight up found Jacob chilling in this dry and barren wasteland, out there where it’s all like, desolate and stuff. And guess what? He didn’t just bounce! Nah, man, he guided him, schooled him, and kept him safe like he was VIP, you know, like the star of the show.
It’s like when a mama eagle shakes up her cozy nest, hovers over her cute little chicks, spreads her wings wide, scoops them up, and carries them gently on her wings:
Yo, the LORD was totally top dog, no one else even came close.
He hooked them up big time, gave them prime land to flex, where they could feast on the finest crops. Straight up, he made honey flow from rocks and oil drip from flinty stone.
They had it all – butter from cows, milk from sheep, the juiciest fat from Bashan’s finest, plus goats and top-notch wheat. And let’s not even front about the wine – purest grapes straight to the cup, they sipped it all.
But Jeshurun got way too comfy, acting all high and mighty. They got big-headed, forgot who raised them, and dissed the Rock who saved them.
They made the big guy jealous, bowing down to other gods, which just made him see red over their foul play.
They were all about those demon vibes, ditching God for some trendy idols that just popped up – stuff their ancestors wouldn’t even touch.
They straight-up ghosted the OG who brought them into this world and disrespected the Creator who made them. SMH, no respect.
So, God peeped what was going down and was totally shook by how his squad was acting – like, seriously? His vibe was all ‘ugh, really?’
He was like, ‘I’m out, gonna dip and see how they handle it,’ ’cause TBH, they were acting like such a stubborn and unfaithful crew, like they had zero trust vibes.
They were making him feel some type of way over stuff that wasn’t even godly; they had him all kinds of ticked with their pointless antics. So, he was gonna flex on them by showing love to folks who didn’t even matter, and he’d really get them salty by messing with a bunch of fools.
His wrath was like a blazing fire that wouldn’t quit; it was gonna reach all the way down to the depths, scorching everything – even the solid ground would feel the burn.
He was gonna bring the chaos big time, hitting them like a pro archer with his arrows.
They’d be straight-up starving, burned by the heat, and totally wrecked – even getting hit with wild animal vibes and venomous snakes slithering around. (heat: lit for coals)
It was gonna be like a scary sword party from the outside and straight-up fear vibes on the inside. It was gonna mess up everyone – from the youngins to the OGs, even the little ones and the seniors. It was gonna be next level intense, for real.
He was like, ‘Peace out, sending them to every corner of the globe, wiping their memory from everyone’s minds.’
Yo, for real, I’m shook of the haters, afraid they’ll start acting sus, frontin’ like they’re in charge, tryna steal the spotlight without giving props to the Most High. They better recognize who’s really pullin’ the strings!
Bruh, they’re a whole nation, but they’re clueless, lacking any wisdom or insight, you know what I’m sayin’?
If only they were woke and understood what’s up, took a sec to think about how things are gonna play out for them in the end!
How’s one person gonna take on a whole squad, or two people beat down a whole army, unless the big man upstairs had their back and set up the whole scene?
Their vibe ain’t like ours, not even our haters can front on that.
Their vineyard’s a hot mess, like Sodom’s sketchy vines and Gomorrah’s fields. Their grapes? Bitter af, clusters sourer than sour patch kids. It’s a whole vibe, but a bad one, tbh.
Their wine? Straight-up gamer fuel, deadlier than dragon’s breath or a snake’s toxic bite.
Ayo, you know I keep my stash locked tight, guarded among my most precious things.
Revenge? It’s mine, and it’s comin’ for them real soon. They’ll slip up, and payback’s gonna hit ’em like a truck. Their downfall’s just around the corner, and karma’s right behind ’em.
God’s gonna judge his peeps, show mercy to his day ones when they’re down and out, with no one else to turn to.
And he’ll be like, ‘Where their gods at now, the ones they used to ride so hard for? Seriously, where’s their rock?’
Who got to chow down on the best sacrifices, sip the finest wine? Let them step up, offer some support, provide a safe space.
Listen up, fam, it’s me, no cap. No other god on my level. I hold the power to take life or give it, to hurt or to heal. Ain’t no one gonna save you from my reach, you feel me?
‘Cause I’m throwin’ my hand up to the heavens, swearin’ I’ll be around forever, no cap.
Yo, check it, when I sharpen my lit sword and grip it tight, you know I’m gonna serve up some sweet justice. I’ll totally clap back at my enemies and spread love to those who straight up can’t stand me.
I’m gonna make my arrows drip with blood, and my sword’s gonna feast on flesh; all ’cause of the battles and the peeps I’ve captured. Revenge on our enemies has been the vibe from the get-go, no cap.
Hey, nations! Get pumped with the squad ’cause he’s about to set things straight. He’s gonna bring justice for his ride-or-die crew and lay the smackdown on his enemies. Plus, he’s gonna show major love to his homeland and his peeps. Let’s turn up, fam! 🙌
So Moses and his homie Hoshea, aka Joshua, dropped this sick track for everyone to vibe with.
So Moses finished spitting truth to all of Israel with these words:
Yo, listen up! Pay mad attention to everything I’m about to drop. It’s hella important. Make sure you pass it on to your kids and tell ’em to live by every single word of this law, no exceptions.
This is like, crucial stuff for you, like it’s your whole vibe we’re talking about. By living this way, you’ll secure a long and lit stay in the land you’re about to take over across the Jordan.
And God was like, yo Moses, this message right here is for you today, you feel me?
Yo, peep this: Head up to the lit mountain Abarim, more specifically Mount Nebo. It’s in Moab, right across from Jericho. Check out the dope land of Canaan, I’m handing it over to the children of Israel as their new hangout spot.
And when it’s your time to hike up that mountain, you’ll peace out and join your crew, just like how Aaron, your homie, bit the dust on Mount Hor and linked up with his squad:
Bro, you seriously messed up when you went against me with the Israelite squad at the waters of Meribah-Kadesh in the Zin desert. You straight-up disrespected me when we were chilling with the rest of the Israelite crew.
But listen, you’ll get a sneak peek of the land, but you ain’t gonna step foot there; it’s reserved for the children of Israel only.

Deuteronomy 33

Okay, so Moses, the guy handpicked by the Man Upstairs, dropped some major blessings on the Israelites before he bounced.
Picture this: God slid down from Sinai, cruised through Seir, and lit up Paran like a boss. He brought a whole crew of holy homies – we’re talking ten thousand deep! Plus, he was packing some serious fire law in his right hand for those folks.
He was all about his peeps! His crew was totally on board, hanging onto every word like it was straight wisdom juice.
Moses was like, “Listen up, fam, we gotta stick to this law, you feel me? The one passed down from Jacob’s OG squad.”
He was the top dog in Jeshurun, with all the big shots and squads of Israel on lock when they came together.
Big shoutout to Reuben, may he stay winning and his crew stay lit.
Alright, fam, here’s the lit blessing for Judah: God, tune in to Judah’s vibes and bring him back to his squad. Hook him up with all he needs to slay life. And, like, always have his back against all the haters.
And for Levi, it’s like, “Yo, keep your Thummim and Urim lit with your main holy connection, the one you tested at Massah and clashed with at the waters of Meribah;
He straight up stayed loyal, even when it meant dipping on his folks and not recognizing his own crew, all because he was all about following your commands and staying true to the deal.
They’re gonna school Jacob on your rules, and Israel’s gonna get schooled on your laws. They’ll even offer you incense and sacrifices at your spot. Let them do their thing!
God, bless his hustle and give props to his grind. Shut down any haters and enemies who try to throw shade, making sure they stay down for good.
When it comes to Benjamin, God’s got mad love. He’s gonna be chilling in total safety, with God backing him 24/7. It’s like his spot’s gonna be right between God’s shoulders.
So, like, God totally hooked Joseph up with the sickest blessings for his land—dope stuff falling from the sky like the morning dew and the deep waters below.
And, yo, big shoutout for the rad produce the sun brings and all the vibes the moon throws our way—seriously, mind-blowing!
Oh, and major props for those OG mountains, and the lit treasures hidden in the solid hills.
Can’t forget about all the epic stuff on earth and beyond, and the vibes of the bush-dweller. May Joseph and that dude who got separated from his squad be showered with blessings—top-notch blessings!
Bro, Joseph’s swag is next level, like the dopest bull in the game, and his drip is straight up legendary, like unicorn horns. With that energy, he’s gonna flex on the whole world and gather his crew from every corner. It’s the Ephraim squad, rolling deep in the tens of thousands, and the Manasseh squad, holding it down in the thousands. (BTW, the Hebrew word for ‘unicorns’ is like ‘one-horned animal’—mind blown!)
And for Zebulun, it’s all about that hype when you’re on the move; and Issachar, cozy vibes in your tents, my dude.
They’re gonna rally everyone up on the mountain, and there, they’re gonna make some righteous sacrifices: ’cause they’re gonna cash in on the bounty of the seas and the treasures hidden in the sand.
And talking about Gad, he was like, “So awesome is the dude who broadens Gad’s horizons! He’s living like a king lion, smashing through challenges with his crown steady.”
And he made sure to lock down his own spot first, ’cause he deserved a VIP place as a leader. He linked up with the top dogs of the crew, and he served up the justice of the LORD and his rulings with Israel.
And about Dan, he was like, “Dan’s a fierce young lion, ready to jump out from Bashan.”
Yo, check it, Naphtali! God’s showering you with love and stacking blessings on blessings. Take charge of the west and the south, fam.
And about Asher, he was like, “Asher’s gonna be straight blessed with a ton of kids; everybody’s gonna vibe with him, and he’s gonna be living the high life.”
Your kicks gonna be lit, made of dope iron and brass; and just like your days, your strength gonna stay on fleek. But under your kicks, yo.
Ain’t nobody can touch the Most High, the God of Jeshurun, cruising through the heavens to back you up and flexing His greatness in the sky.
God’s always got your back, providing that safe zone and throwing shade at any haters tryna mess with you, like, ‘Bye, Felicia!’. Boom!
Israel gonna be living large, chilling in peace: Jacob’s fam gonna get blessed with mad harvests and stacks on stacks; even the skies gonna drop those refreshing blessings.
Yo, Israel, you’re straight-up blessed! Ain’t nobody like you, saved by the LORD, your ultimate ride-or-die and the one who gives you mad strength! All your enemies gonna get called out as fakes, and you gonna own their turf. #CrushedIt 🙌

Deuteronomy 34

So, Moses hiked up from Moab to Mount Nebo, chilling at the tippy-top of Pisgah, which is right across from Jericho. And the LORD gave him this epic view of all the land from Gilead to Dan, you know, that Pisgah hill.
And, like, he scoped out all of Naphtali, and Ephraim’s turf, and Manasseh, and all the land of Judah, all the way to the super cool sea.
Plus, he checked out the south side, and the rad open land near Jericho, which is, like, the city with mad palm trees, all the way to this spot called Zoar.
God was like, ‘Yo, pay attention, this is the land I promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I gave you a sneak peek with your own eyes, but you ain’t gonna get to roll there.’
And Moses, the ultimate servant of the LORD, kicked it in the Moab area, just as the LORD had said.
So, like, they laid him to rest in this valley in Moab, right across from Bethpeor, you know? But, like, nobody’s got a clue where his grave is, even till now.
Moses bounced at 120, but his vision stayed on point and his strength never dipped.
The Israelites were mega bummed about Moses in the chill Moab scene for a solid thirty, dude. But eventually, the waterworks stopped, no more tears, bro.
Joshua, Nun’s kid, was majorly sharp and wise ’cause Moses blessed him up. The Israel crew vibed with Joshua and followed God’s playbook, just like Moses schooled ’em.
Ain’t nobody in Israel hit prophet status like Moses, him and the big guy upstairs were tight, knew each other inside out.
Yo, the big man upstairs flexed His muscle big time in Egypt, just to show Pharaoh and his squad who’s boss, no cap. It was a whole show for the Egyptians, from the crazy plagues to jaw-dropping wonders – they couldn’t front on His divine power, man.
And through all that divine flexing, and all the awe Moses sparked up in Israel.