2 Samuel

2 Samuel 1

1. So, like, after Saul peaced out and David came back from showing those Amalekites who’s boss, David kicked it in Ziklag for a bit.
2. So, on the third day, this dude rolls out of camp, looking all beat up with torn clothes and dirt on his dome. And when he hits up David, he straight up bows down, showing mad respect.
3. David’s like, ‘Bruh, where you been?’ And the guy’s like, ‘Dude, I just bolted from the Israelite camp.’
4. So David’s like, spill the tea, man. And the guy’s like, ‘Bro, everyone bailed on the fight, and it went south real quick. Saul and Jonathan? Yeah, they’re gone, man. It’s messed up.’
5. David’s like, ‘Yo, you sure they’re gone?’
6. This dude who saw it all goes, ‘I stumbled upon Mount Gilboa, and guess what? Saul was hanging on for dear life, with chariots hot on his tail.’
7. ‘He clocked me and was like, “Yo, help me out.” And I was like, “Here I am, ready to have your back, you know?”‘
8. Saul’s like, ‘Who are you?’ And I’m like, ‘I’m an Amalekite.’
9. He’s like, ‘Do me a solid and finish me off. I’m done with this heaviness weighing me down.’
10. So, I took him out, snagged his crown and bracelet, and brought them here.
11. David and the crew tear their clothes, mourning hard.
12. They cry and fast for Saul, Jonathan, the fallen soldiers, and Israel.
13. David’s like, ‘Where you from?’ Dude’s like, ‘Not local, Amalekite.’
14. David’s like, ‘Weren’t you scared to touch God’s chosen?’
15. He orders his homie to take the guy out.
16. ‘You brought this on yourself, confessing you took down the Lord’s chosen.’
17. David’s heart is heavy; he pens a lament for Saul and Jonathan.
18. Teach this to the youth of Judah, straight from the Book of Jasher (‘upright’ for the curious).
19. It’s tragic! Israel’s mighty ones fell. Why’d the best have to go?
20. Don’t gossip in Gath, or flex in Askelon. Don’t let the Philistine or uncircumcised girls talk smack.
21. Gilboa, no blessings for you. No fruitful fields, ’cause Saul’s shield was tossed aside.
22. Jonathan and Saul were unmatched, leaving a legacy of victories.
23. They were legendary—fierce as eagles, strong as lions.
24. Israelite girls, mourn Saul who hooked you up with fly gear.
25. The mighty ones fell, Jonathan holding his ground.
26. Jonathan, you were the real one. Your love was unmatched.
27. The warriors and their gear are gone.

2 Samuel 2

1. So, David was like, ‘Hey, LORD, should I hit up any cities in Judah?’ And the LORD was like, ‘Yeah, man, go for it.’ Then David was like, ‘Cool, but where though?’ And the LORD was like, ‘Hebron, dude.’
2. So David rolled up there, with his two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail, who was married to Nabal the Carmelite dude.
3. David brought his whole crew and they flexed to Hebron, setting up shop in different cities with their families.
4. Then the Judah crew showed up and crowned David king of Judah. They hit him up, saying the Jabeshgilead crew handled Saul’s burial.
5. So David DM-ed the Jabeshgilead crew, like, ‘Yo, you guys are blessed for being cool to Saul. Mad respect.’
6. ‘May the LORD bless you with kindness and honesty. I’ll repay you for your kindness,’ David said.
7. ‘Time to step up, be strong, and show courage! Saul’s gone, and Judah chose me as king. Be brave, fam.’
8. Saul’s main man, Abner, took Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, to Mahanaim. (BTW, Eshbaal is Ishbosheth’s other name.)
9. Abner gave Ishbosheth the crown to rule Gilead, Ashurites, Jezreel, Ephraim, Benjamin, and all Israel.
10. Ishbosheth, Saul’s son, was like forty when he became Israel’s boss, reigning two years. But Judah was all about David.
11. So David ruled Hebron for like seven years and six months. Pretty long, ya know? (BTW, Hebrews count it in days.)
12. Abner and Ishbosheth’s squad left Mahanaim and hit up Gibeon.
13. Joab and David’s crew linked up at the Gibeon spot, chilling by the pool.
14. Abner was like, ‘Yo Joab, entertain us.’ And Joab was like, ‘Sure, let them entertain.’
15. Twelve dudes from Benjamin joined Ishbosheth, and twelve from David’s squad.
16. They grabbed each other’s heads and stabbed swords into each other, falling down together. They named the place Helkathhazzurim, in Gibeon.
17. There was a heavy battle, and Abner and Israel got wrecked before David’s squad took over.
18. Joab, Abishai, and Asahel, Zeruiah’s sons, chased Abner. Asahel was crazy fast.
19. Asahel was after Abner, focused like Usain Bolt.
20. Abner asked, ‘Are you Asahel?’ And he said, ‘Yep.’
21. Abner told him to grab someone else’s gear, but Asahel stayed on him.
22. Abner warned Asahel, but he didn’t back down.
23. So Abner hit him hard with his spear, killing him. Everyone froze.
24. Joab and Abishai chased Abner till dusk, reaching the hill of Ammah near Giah.
25. Benjamin formed a squad after Abner, chilling on a hill.
26. Abner asked Joab if they had to keep fighting, causing bitterness.
27. Joab said if Abner hadn’t spoken, they’d split in the morning.
28. Joab played a beat, and the fighting stopped.
29. Abner’s squad marched all night, crossed the Jordan, and reached Mahanaim.
30. Joab realized nineteen of David’s men, including Asahel, were missing.
31. David’s crew fought Benjamin and Abner’s men, killing 360.
32. They buried Asahel in Bethlehem, and Joab’s crew reached Hebron by daybreak.

2 Samuel 3

1. Yo, there was this mega showdown between Saul’s crew and David’s squad. But David was on some next-level power moves, while Saul’s side was just straight-up losing steam.
2. David was posted up in Hebron, kicking it, and he had some kids. His firstborn, Amnon, came through, born to Ahinoam the Jezreelitess.
3. Then there’s his boy Chileab, born to Abigail, Nabal the Carmelite’s old lady. And Absalom, the third in line, born to Maacah, Talmai, the Geshur king’s daughter.
4. Now, let’s meet the fourth homie, Adonijah, Haggith’s kid. And sliding in at number five is Shephatiah, Abital’s offspring. Just keeping y’all in the loop!
5. And the sixth bro, Ithream, was born to David and Eglah, David’s other partner. All these little ones popped out while David was posted in Hebron.
6. While Saul’s crew was beefing hard with David’s posse, Abner was repping hard for Saul’s team, boosting them up big time.
7. So, like, Saul was seeing this girl Rizpah, daughter of Aiah. And Ishbosheth was all up in Abner’s face, like, “Yo, why you messing with my dad’s side piece?”
8. Abner was lit when Ishbosheth said that! He was like, “Am I just some worthless dog, showing love to Judah’s crew, Saul’s fam, and not delivering you to David? And now you’re blaming me for this lady drama? For real?”
9. May God deal with Abner in the same way, or even worse, unless He keeps His promise to David. If He does, then I’ll treat Abner right.
10. So, to switch things up from Saul to David, making David the king of all Israel and Judah, from one end to the other.
11. Ishbosheth was shook, couldn’t even clap back at Abner because he was straight-up terrified.
12. Abner hit up David, sending his squad to represent him. He was like, “Who does this land belong to?” and proposed, “Let’s make a deal, and I got you with all of Israel backing you up.”
13. So the dude was like, “Okay, bet. Let’s make a deal. But here’s the catch: You ain’t laying eyes on my face until you roll up with Michal, Saul’s daughter, next time you swing by.” (That’s what he meant by ‘saying’ in Hebrew, FYI.)
14. So David hit up Ishbosheth, Saul’s kid, dropping a message like, “Hey, bro, send my girl Michal back. You know, the one I snagged by bringing in a hundred Philistine foreskins.”
15. So Ishbosheth slid into her DMs and swiped her from her hubby, Phaltiel (also known as Phalti).
16. And her man, straight-up sobbing, tagged along behind her all the way to Bahurim. Then Abner was like, “Bro, turn around. Go back.” So he did a 180 and bounced.
17. So Abner gathered the OGs of Israel, like, “Yo, remember when y’all were all about making David king? Yeah, that was, like, yesterday and the day before. For real.”
18. Listen up, fam! The man upstairs, God, just dropped the word: He’s gonna use David, His homie, to save His squad, Israel, from those wicked Philistines and all their haters. It’s gonna be lit, no cap!
19. So Abner was vibing with Benjamin, dropping some knowledge, and then he dipped to Hebron to chat with David. He was spilling all the tea that was trending in Israel and the whole Benjamin crew.
20. Abner rolled up at David’s spot in Hebron, deep with twenty of his squad. And David threw down a lit feast for Abner and his crew.
21. Abner straight up told David he’s gonna rally all of Israel to ride with him and form a solid alliance, so David could boss up over everything he’s ever dreamed of. David was like, ‘Word, Abner, do your thing’ and no drama, just peace out.
22. So, peep this: David and Joab’s squad were coming back from chasing some ops, and they came back stacked with loot. But yo, Abner wasn’t in Hebron with David ’cause he sent him off, and Abner bounced on good terms and all.
23. When Joab and the crew pulled up, they were like, ‘Yo Joab, check it, Abner, Ner’s kid, showed up to the king and the king let him slide, peace out.’
24. Joab hit up the king like, ‘Bro, what’s the deal? Abner came through and you just let him walk? Why’d you let him bounce?’
25. You know Abner, Ner’s son? He straight up came to play you, peep your moves, and get all up in your biz, you feel me? He was trying to know every single thing you were doing.
26. So Joab bounced from David and sent a bunch of messages to Abner, bringing him back from the well of Sirah. But David had no clue about any of it.
27. When Abner came back to Hebron, Joab pulled him aside at the gate for a low-key convo, then straight up attacked him, hitting him fatally in the ribs as payback for his brother Asahel’s death.
28. And when David found out, he was like, ‘Yo, me and my kingdom are clean, like, forever, regarding Abner’s death. We didn’t spill no blood or nothing, man. Blood, like literal blood.’
29. Joab and his fam gotta face the music. Nobody from Joab’s crew is dodging the repercussions, whether it’s sickness, financial troubles, chronic issues, infections, disabilities, self-harm, or poverty.
30. Joab and Abishai took out Abner ’cause he offed their bro Asahel at Gibeon during the showdown.
31. So David told Joab and the crew, ‘Rip your clothes, throw on some sackcloth, and show some deep sorrow for Abner.’ And guess what? King David himself followed the funeral procession. (FYI, a ‘bier’ is like a fancy bed)
32. They laid Abner to rest in Hebron. And the king choked up, tears rolling down his face as he stood by Abner’s grave. And everybody there couldn’t hold back their tears either.
33. And the king was just wrecked over Abner, asking if he died in vain.
34. You weren’t bound up, your feet weren’t shackled, just like when someone falls before the wicked, that’s how it went down for you. And everyone started sobbing for you again.
35. When everyone came through to feed David while it was still light out, David made a vow, saying, ‘I swear to the Big Man upstairs, and even more, I won’t eat anything until the sun dips.’
36. And everybody was vibing with it, thinking it was solid: whatever the king did, everyone was cool with it.
37. Everybody, like, got it that day, both the homies and all of Israel, that it was not cool for the king to straight-up murk Abner, Ner’s kid.
38. Yo, did y’all peep that a real one just left the scene today in Israel? The king is straight up mourning over it!
39. Yo, today I’m feeling kinda drained even though I’m the chosen king. These dudes, the sons of Zeruiah, they’re way too wild for me. But you know what? The Big Man’s gonna make sure whoever does dirt gets what’s coming to them, based on how foul they are.

2 Samuel 4

1. Bro, when Saul’s son heard that Abner got wrecked in Hebron, he was totally down, and all the Israelites were shook.
2. Saul’s son had two absolute legends in his crew: one was named Baanah, and the other was Rechab. They were like the top warriors from Benjamin, representing Rimmon from Beeroth. Beeroth was reppin’ Benjamin too!
3. And those Beerothite homies straight up bounced to Gittaim and stayed there until now, you feel me?
4. Yo, listen up. Saul’s son Jonathan had this kid who had a busted leg, like couldn’t even walk right. This little dude was only five when news hit about Saul and Jonathan getting wiped out in Jezreel. Quick as a flash, his nanny scooped him up and they bolted. But darn it, the little guy fell and messed up his leg real bad. They ended up naming him Mephibosheth, or Meribbaal.
5. So like, Rechab and Baanah, these dudes from Rimmon the Beerothite, they rolled up to Ishbosheth’s place when it was scorching hot during the day, and Ishbosheth was straight loungin’ in bed at noon.
6. So they strolled into the crib like they were gonna grab some grub, and they straight up blindsided him; hitting him square in the gut. Rechab and his bro Baanah managed to dip out.
7. So, like, these guys rolled into the spot, and this dude was just vibing on his bed. And outta nowhere, they straight-up jumped him, took him out, nabbed his head, then dipped through the open field, lowkey trekking through the darkness all night long.
8. They pull up on David in Hebron, holding Ishbosheth’s head like, “Yo, King! Peep Ishbosheth, Saul’s son, your old enemy! He was all about taking you out, but today the LORD made sure you got that payback against Saul and his crew.”
9. David’s like, talking to Rechab and Baanah, the homies from Beeroth, and he’s like, “Swear to the LORD who’s always got my back in the craziest times,”
10. So, this dude rolls up on me, like, “Bro, Saul’s donezo!” and he’s really thinking he’s bringing good news. But instead of being grateful, I straight up took him out in Ziklag. Can you even believe it? Homeboy really thought I was gonna hook him up for that little message. Nah, man. He got what was coming.
11. I mean, seriously, think about it – these evil dudes just straight up off an innocent in their own crib, on their own bed and all. Like, I gotta hold them responsible for that messed up move, right? And, like, I’m gonna have to deal with you too, and, like, send you packing from this world, for real?
12. So David’s like, “Handle that.” They show no mercy, taking out their enemies, grabbing their hands and feet, leaving them hanging over the pool in Hebron. And as for Ishbosheth, they laid his head to rest with respect in Abner’s tomb, also in Hebron.

2 Samuel 5

1. So all the crews of Israel gathered to David in Hebron and were like, “Yo, dude, we’re totally vibin’ with you, we’re like, fam and stuff.”
2. Way back when Saul was holding down the fort, you were the top dog, guiding and leading Israel. The big guy upstairs was like, “You’re gonna be the one taking care of my peeps, Israel, and be their main honcho.”
3. So, all the OGs of Israel rolled up to the king in Hebron, and King David was like, “Let’s make this official, fam,” and they all agreed before the LORD. And they crowned David as the king of Israel, you know what I’m saying?
4. David was like, only thirty years old when he took the throne and held it down for a solid forty years.
5. Hebron was his turf for about 7 years and 6 months. Then he moved the HQ to Jerusalem, where he reigned over all Israel and Judah for a solid 33 years.
6. So the king and his squad pulled up to Jerusalem to deal with the Jebusites, the locals. They straight up told David, “Yo, if you don’t ditch your crew of blind and disabled peeps, you ain’t gettin’ in here.” Like, they really thought David couldn’t handle it. (As if!)
7. So, David totally nailed it and took over the epic fortress of Zion, which was like, the spot where David himself chilled.
8. Then David was like, “Hey, whoever can climb up to this ledge and kick out the Jebusites, even if they’re not at the top of my list, they’re gonna be the big shot.” That’s why folks said, “No chance for the disabled or the visually impaired to roll into the hood.”
9. After that, David kicked back in the fortress and named it the city of David. And he went all out, building from Millo right into the heart of the city.
10. And David just kept crushing it, like, seriously reaching new heights, and the LORD God of hosts was right there with him, squad goals all the way. #goals #blessed
11. Then Hiram, the king of Tyre, hit up David’s DMs, and sent him a load of cedar trees, skilled carpenters, and stone-cutting experts, to help David build a killer pad. #HustleHard #HomeSweetHome
12. And David was like, “Yo, God totally put me in charge of Israel, and He’s all about taking His kingdom to the next level for the sake of us, His crew, you feel?”
13. So, like, David, he added more concubines and wives to his squad, you know, right after he came rolling in from Hebron. And, dude, there were still more sons and daughters popping out like, ‘Hey, David, what’s good?’
14. So, these are the names of the kids that were born to him in Jerusalem: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, and Solomon.
15. Also Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, and Japhia, yo!
16. And, like, Elishama, Eliada, and Eliphalet.
17. When the Philistines found out that David had been crowned king of Israel, they were all out looking for him. David got word of it and dipped down to the hideout.
18. Yo, the Philistines pulled up in the valley of Rephaim.
19. So David was like, ‘LORD, should I take on the Philistines? Will you let me handle them?’ And the LORD was like, ‘Go for it! I got your back, you’ll totally crush the Philistines.’
20. So, David went to Baalperazim and totally took them down. He was like, ‘Yo, God is totally smashing my enemies, like a massive flood sweeping in.’ That’s why he named the place Baalperazim, which means the plain of breaches.
21. So they ditched their old pics and David and his squad straight up burned them. (or, you know, took them away)
22. And the Philistines came back, spreading out in the valley of Rephaim once more.
23. So, when David asked the LORD, He was like, ‘Nah, dude, don’t go straight up there. Instead, circle around behind them and ambush them near the mulberry trees.’
24. Yo, when you hear the sound of movement in the tops of those mulberry trees, that’s the signal to move out. ‘Cause that’s when the LORD is gonna go ahead of you and straight up wreck those Philistines.
25. And David totally nailed it, just like the LORD told him, and totally wrecked the Philistines from Geba all the way to Gazer. (By the way, Geba is also known as Gibeon, just so you know.)

2 Samuel 6

1. Yo, David gathered up his squad of top-notch Israelites, a massive thirty thousand deep.
2. David bounced from Baale of Judah with his crew to fetch the ark of God. They were rolling out to snag that divine box, known as the LORD of hosts’ crib, chilling between the cherubims. (By the way, Baale is also called Baalah or Kirjathjearim)
3. They hooked up God’s ark on some fresh wheels and dipped out from Abinadab’s spot in Gibeah. Uzzah and Ahio, Abinadab’s boys, were the ones cruising with the new ride.
4. They rolled out from Abinadab’s spot in Gibeah, you know, bringing the God box with them and Ahio leading the way like a boss.
5. So, David and the whole crew of Israel got lit for the LORD, rocking out with all sorts of dope instruments made of fir wood. They were killing it on harps, psalteries, timbrels, cornets, and cymbals, no cap.
6. So, like, they rolled up to Nachon’s hangout where they were tossing the grain, and Uzzah was like, “Yo, that sacred chest is wobbling ’cause of these clumsy oxen,” you know? Nachon, aka Chidon, owned the place. The oxen tripped, and the chest started shaking.
7. God was so furious at Uzzah, like, He struck him down on the spot ’cause of a slip-up. Uzzah legit died there by the ark of God. (And by slip-up, I mean he acted without thinking, you get me?)
8. David was super bummed out, man, ’cause the LORD caused this whole thing with Uzzah to go south, and he decided to call the place Perezuzzah from then on. Perezuzzah, dude, like, where Uzzah made that major goof and everything went haywire, you feel?
9. And David was shook by the Lord that day, and he was like, “OMG, how can the ark of the Lord come to me?”
10. David was like, “Nah, I’m not moving the ark of the LORD to the city of David.” Instead, he took it to crash at Obededom the Gittite’s place.
11. So, the LORD’s ark crashed at Obededom the Gittite’s place for three months, and you won’t believe it, but God straight-up blessed Obededom and his whole crew. No joke!
12. Yo, check it out! King David heard that Obededom’s place got mega blessed by the LORD, all ’cause of that whole God’s ark deal. So David was like, ‘For real, I’m bringing that ark to the city of David with pure hype.’
13. So, like, here’s the deal: when the crew carrying the ark of the LORD took just six steps, they straight up sacrificed some prime oxen and fatlings.
14. So, David was totally pumped as he danced his heart out before the LORD. He was sporting this dope linen ephod outfit. It was legendary.
15. So David and the whole squad of Israel hyped up the ark of the LORD with crazy shouts and epic trumpet beats.
16. When the sacred ark of the LORD rolled into David’s hood, Michal, Saul’s daughter, peeped through a window and saw king David busting some sick moves and giving it all to the LORD. But deep down, she couldn’t stand seeing him like that.
17. So they brought in the ark of the LORD and set it up in its chill spot inside the dope tent that David hooked up. And David came through with some fire burnt offerings and peace offerings to show love and respect to the LORD.
18. After David finished making his offerings, he gave a shoutout to the homies in the name of the LORD of hosts.
19. And he hooked everyone up with food, no one was left out, whether they were dudes or dudettes, in the midst of the whole Israelite crew. Each person scored a tasty loaf of bread, a solid serving of meat, and a bottle of wine. So everybody bounced back to their own cribs.
20. After that, David rolled back to his pad, ready to flex on his squad. Suddenly, Michal, Saul’s daughter, stepped up to confront David and straight up roasted him. She was like, ‘Bro, what’s up with showing off in front of all those basic handmaids? You basically flashed them shamelessly, like those attention-seeking losers!’
21. So David was like, ‘Yo, Michal, I was just doing this for the Lord. He chose me over your dad and his whole crew to lead His peeps in Israel. That’s why I was just vibin’ and playing in front of the Lord.’
22. And I’m gonna keep it real, no filter. I’ll even take a hit to my own rep just to prove I’m serious. And those handmaids you mentioned? They’re gonna give me mad respect, believe it or not.
23. So, Michal, Saul’s daughter, couldn’t have any kids until the day she passed away.

2 Samuel 7

1. So, like, the king was just chilling in his palace, you know, feeling all blessed ’cause the LORD had totally hooked him up, giving him peace from all his haters.
2. And then the king was chatting with Nathan the prophet, and he’s all like, ‘Listen, dude! I’ve got this awesome palace made of cedar, but the ark of God is just sitting behind some curtains, you feel me?’
3. And Nathan was like, “Yo, king, go ahead and do whatever feels right to you, ’cause, guess what, the LORD is totally down with your vibe.”
4. So, one night, God spoke to Nathan, saying,
5. “Hey, go and tell my man David something. The LORD says, you planning to build me a crib to chill in?
6. “Bro, I haven’t been posted up in any crib since I freed the Israel fam from Egypt, up until now. I’ve been rolling with a tent and a tabernacle vibe.
7. “I mean, in all the places I’ve been kicking it with the whole Israel crew, I never said a word to any of the tribes of Israel that I commanded to take care of my people, like, why ain’t y’all building me a sick cedar crib?
8. “So, here’s the word for my dude David: The big man upstairs, the mighty LORD, says I plucked you out of that sheep gig and made you the boss of my people in Israel.
9. Yo, I had your back everywhere you went, wiping out all those haters from your scene and boosting your rep, like you were rolling with the VIPs. Yeah, they couldn’t even handle being around you.
10. I’m setting up a lit spot for my crew, the Israelites, planting them firm. They’ll have their own chill crib, no more wandering. And those haters won’t dare to throw shade like they used to.
11. Ever since I hooked up judges to run the show for my squad, the Israelites, and gave you some serious relief from all those haters, the LORD wants you to know he’s gonna hook you up with a dope pad.
12. And when you’re old and passing the torch, I’ll make sure your descendants keep the legacy alive. They’ll be straight from your bloodline, and I’ll make sure his kingdom is solid.
13. He’s gonna build a sick crib in my name, and I’ll make sure his kingdom lasts forever, fam.
14. I’ll be like his OG, and he’ll be my homie. If he messes up, I’ll give him a reality check and drop some truth bombs.
15. But I’ll always have his back with love and kindness, just like I did with Saul before you.
16. And your crib and your squad will be lit for all eternity: your throne gonna be hella established forever, fam.
17. So, like, Nathan was all straight up telling David about everything he said and everything he saw, no cap.
18. So, like, King David entered and, like, sat in front of the LORD, and he was all like, ‘Um, who am I, Lord GOD? And, like, what’s the deal with my house? How come you, like, brought me this far?’
19. And like, this was no biggie at all to you, O Lord GOD; but you also talked about my servant’s crib for, like, a really long time in the future. And, like, is this how things usually go for humans, O Lord GOD?
20. And like, what else can David even say to you, God? ‘Cause, like, you already know me inside out, fr!
21. You did all these awesome things for me to know about, because of your word and what’s in your heart, straight up.
22. Dude, you’re literally the coolest, O LORD God. Like, there’s seriously no one else like you, and no other God can even come close. We’ve heard all these amazing things about you through the grapevine.
23. Yo, no nation on this earth can even come close to being as lit as your people, Israel. God straight up chose y’all and redeemed you, making you his own special crew. He’s all about making a name for you and doing some epic and mind-blowing stuff for you and your land, like way better than anything you’ve ever seen before. Remember how he saved you from Egypt and all those other nations? Yeah, those gods they worshipped got nothing on your God.
24. You totally locked it in that your squad, Israel, is gonna be your peeps forever. And you, LORD, straight up became their God, no cap.
25. And now, yo God, the talk you had about me and my fam, make it happen for real and do what you said, fr.
26. So, like, make your name, like, totally awesome forever by, like, saying that the LORD of hosts is, like, the ultimate God over Israel, and, like, may your servant David’s family, you know, thrive forever in your presence, amen.
27. Yo, God, the ultimate boss and the God of Israel, you straight up told your servant that you’re gonna build them a house. So, your servant is genuinely feeling it and has this prayer in their heart to talk to you about it.
28. And yo, O Lord GOD, you’re like, the ultimate God, and your words are legit, like, super true, and you’ve totally promised this awesome goodness to your servant:
29. So, God, it would be totally awesome if you could bless your servant’s crib, that it stays lit 24/7 in your presence. You’ve already called it, God, so with your blessings, let your servant’s house be blessed forever. #blessed 🙏

2 Samuel 8

1. Yo, David straight up dominated the Philistines and got them on lock. He snagged Methegammah, which is like the reins of Ammah, from them.
2. So, like, he totally crushed Moab and stuff, right? He used this measuring line thing to size them up and brought them down low. With two lines, it was like, ‘game over,’ and with just one line, it was like, ‘barely hanging on.’ And yo, those Moabites ended up serving David and bringing him all these rad gifts.
3. David totally flexed on Hadadezer, son of Rehob, the king of Zobah, when he showed him who’s boss at the river Euphrates to reclaim his turf. (Hadadezer, also known as Hadarezer)
4. So David rolled up with a thousand dope chariots, plus seven hundred sick horsemen and twenty thousand lit foot soldiers. And David straight up wrecked all those chariot horses, but he kept a hundred chariots for himself. #BossMoves
5. So, when the Syrians from Damascus tried to back up Hadadezer, king of Zobah, David totally wiped out twenty-two thousand of them!
6. David set up some squads in Syria, specifically in Damascus, and the Syrians basically became David’s ride-or-die crew. They were all like, ‘Here, take some gifts!’ And you know what? The LORD had David’s back everywhere he went.
7. So, David scooped up those sick gold shields that Hadadezer’s crew were flexing with and flexed right back by bringing them all the way to Jerusalem.
8. King David scored a ton of bronze from Betah and Berothai, two cities of Hadadezer.
9. So, like, when King Toi from Hamath heard that David straight-up demolished Hadadezer’s army,
10. Toi’s son, Joram, slid into King David’s DMs to give him props for owning Hadadezer. Hadadezer and Toi were in a major beef. Joram came bearing gifts, like, silver, gold, and brass bling. (P.S. Joram was also known as Hadoram)
11. King David flexed on the LORD by dedicating some serious cash, including all the bling he snagged from conquering other nations. 🙌
12. So, like, Syria, Moab, Ammon, Philistines, Amalek, and the loot from Hadadezer, Rehob’s son, yo, he was the king of Zobah.
13. David became hella famous after obliterating the Syrians in the valley of salt. He took down a massive army of eighteen thousand strong. Epic win, am I right?
14. So, like, David stationed his squad in Edom. They were posted up all over, and everyone in Edom rolled with David. And, yo, the LORD had David’s back wherever he went.
15. David was, like, the big boss of all Israel, making sure to serve up some serious justice and fairness to all his peeps.
16. Joab, Zeruiah’s kid, was running the show; and Jehoshaphat, Ahilud’s child, was keeping records.
17. Zadok, Ahitub’s kid, and Ahimelech, Abiathar’s son, were holding it down as priests, and Seraiah was handling the paperwork, you know, like the secretary dude.
18. Benaiah, Jehoiada’s son, was in charge of both the Cherethites and the Pelethites; and David’s sons were like the top dogs. (top-notch leaders: or, super cool rulers)

2 Samuel 9

1. So David’s all like, “Yo, anyone from Saul’s crew still kickin’? I wanna do something nice for Jonathan’s sake, ya feel?”
2. There was this dude named Ziba, straight outta Saul’s house. When David hollered at him, the king was like, “Yo, you Ziba?” And he was like, “Word, I’m your servant!”
3. The king was like, “Yo, anyone from Saul’s fam still around? I wanna show God’s kindness to ’em.” And Ziba was like, “Yeah, bro, Jonathan’s got a son, but he’s dealing with a disability — lame on his feet.”
4. The king was like, “Where’s he at, though?” And Ziba was like, “Yo, peep this, he’s just chilling at Machir’s spot, son of Ammiel, in Lodebar.”
5. So King David hit up Machir, Ammiel’s kid, posted up in Lodebar, and brought him over.
6. When Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s son and Saul’s grandson, rolled up before David, he straight-up bowed down and showed mad respect. Then David called out to Mephibosheth, who was like, “Right here, your loyal servant!” (Oh, and just so you know, Mephibosheth was also known as Meribbaal.)
7. And David was like, “Chill, don’t even stress! I got you covered because of the tight bond I had with your pops Jonathan. You’re gonna score all the land that belonged to Saul, your old man. And guess what? You’ll be vibing at my table 24/7. No joke.
8. And he was like, totally humble, asking, “Why even bother noticing someone as worthless as me, like some dead animal?”
9. The king hit up Ziba, who used to roll with Saul, and straight up told him, ‘Hey, I hooked your master’s son up with everything that belonged to Saul and his whole fam.’
10. So, you and your crew, and your squad, gotta work the land for him, and make sure you bring in the goods, so that your master’s offspring can chow down. But Mephibosheth, your master’s kid, is gonna have a constant spot at my table. By the way, Ziba had a whole crew of fifteen sons and twenty servants.
11. So Ziba was like, ‘Yo king, I’m totally down to do whatever you want me to do, just like a good servant.’ And the king was like, ‘Mephibosheth? Yeah, he’s gonna have a seat at my table, just like one of my own kids.’
12. And Mephibosheth had a rad kid named Micha. And all the peeps living at Ziba’s place were straight-up servants for Mephibosheth.
13. So Mephibosheth stayed in Jerusalem and totally scored a permanent spot at the king’s table, even though he couldn’t walk ’cause he had a lame condition in both of his feet.

2 Samuel 10

1. So, like, the king of the Ammonites kicked it, and his son Hanun stepped up as king.
2. David was all, ‘Gonna show some love to Hanun, Nahash’s kid, ’cause his old man showed love to me.’ He sent his crew to give condolences ’cause of his pops, straight into Ammonite turf, no cap.
3. Yo, Hanun, the Ammonite crew was like, ‘You really think David’s sending his boys to honor your dad? Nah man, he’s scoping out the city to wreck it.’ You buying that?
4. Hanun decided to clown David’s squad, shaved half their beards, and split their clothes down the middle, all the way to their butts, then sent them packing.
5. When David heard, he hit ’em up ’cause they were embarrassed. He was like, ‘Chill in Jericho till your beard game’s strong, then roll back.’
6. When the Ammonites saw they were losing to David, they were like, ‘Oh snap, need backup.’ So they hired Syrians from Bethrehob and Zoba—20K foot soldiers, plus 1K from King Maacah and 12K from Ishtob. (BTW, Ishtob means Tob guys, in case you didn’t know.)
7. David hit up Joab and his crew of top warriors when he found out.
8. Ammonites posted at the gate for battle, while Syrians from Zoba, Rehob, Ishtob, and Maacah were chilling in the field.
9. Joab saw he was getting attacked from all sides, so he rallied the best from Israel to face off with the Syrians.
10. He handed the rest to his bro Abishai to set up against the Ammonites.
11. Joab was like, “If the Syrians are too OP for me, you gotta back me up. But if the Ammonites are too strong for you, I got your back, fam.”
12. “Let’s stay lit and rep our crew for our homies and our cities blessed by the Most High. Trust that the Most High got this, He knows what’s up.”
13. So Joab and his squad pulled up to the battlefield, ready to throw down with the Syrians. And guess what? The Syrians panicked and bounced, knowing they messed with the wrong squad.
14. And when the Ammonites saw the Syrians skedaddle, they bolted from Abishai and took shelter in the city. So Joab dipped from the Ammonites and bounced back to Jerusalem.
15. When the Syrians realized they got wrecked by Israel, they regrouped.
16. Hadarezer rallied his Syrian crew from across the river and they met up at a spot called Helam. Shobach, Hadarezer’s top general, led them. (Oh, ‘the river’ here is the Euphrates, and ‘Shobach’ can also be spelled ‘Shophach’.)
17. So David caught wind of what was going down and hit up all his squad in Israel to come through. They crossed the Jordan River and rolled deep into Helam. The Syrians peeped David’s crew coming and were ready to throw hands in a straight-up showdown.
18. Bro, the Syrians got straight-up wrecked by Israel, and David totally owned them. He took out 700 Syrian chariots, 40k horse riders, and even brought down Shobach, their main dude. That guy was toast. (Oh, and by horse riders, I mean foot soldiers too, just so you know.)
19. And then, like, all the kings who were under Hadarezer’s rule saw how badly Israel spanked the Syrians, so they were like, “Okay, let’s squash this beef with Israel and become their ride-or-dies.” And after that, the Syrians were shook to even think about backing up the Ammonite crew anymore.

2 Samuel 11

1. So, like, when the year was up and kings usually hit the battlefield, David sent Joab and the squad, rolling deep with all of Israel. They straight up wrecked the Ammonites and put Rabbah on lockdown. But David, he stayed back in Jerusalem.
2. So, one evening, David bounces from his bed and decides to vibe on the roof of the king’s pad. And while he’s posted there, he spots this absolute stunner taking a dip. Like, she was next level.
3. So David slides into the DMs and drops, ‘Yo, who’s that fine chick?’ And someone hits him back like, ‘Bro, that’s Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam and married to Uriah the Hittite, you know?’
4. So David shoots some texts and links up with her; she swings by and they do their thing. She’s already gone through the whole cleansing deal, so it’s all good. Then she bounces back home.
5. So, like, this girl ends up pregnant and hits David up like, ‘Hey dude, surprise, I’m expecting!’
6. So David slides into Joab’s DMs like, ‘Yo bro, send me Uriah the Hittite.’ And Joab’s all, ‘Gotchu, fam.’ Next thing you know, Uriah’s knocking on David’s door.
7. When Uriah pulled up, David was like, “Sup, man? How’s Joab holding up? What’s the vibe with the people, and how’s the war scene?” (Translation: David wanted the scoop on Joab’s status, the community vibe, and the war’s success.)
8. David was like, “Aight Uriah, time to bounce and freshen up, bro.” Uriah dipped from the king’s spot, and David hooked him up with a lit spread on the way out.
9. But Uriah crashed at the king’s place with his crew, no sign of him heading to his own pad.
10. So when they told David that Uriah didn’t even dip home, David was like, “Bruh, you just got back from your trip, why you ain’t slide home?”
11. Uriah hit back, “Yo David, the Ark, Israel, and Judah are posted up in tents while Joab and his squad grind it out in the fields. You think I’ma Netflix & chill with my wife while they out here hustlin’? Nah man, swear on my life, not happening.”
12. David’s like, “Cool Uriah, chill here today, tomorrow you’re free to roll.” So Uriah stayed in Jerusalem for those days.
13. Then David’s all, “Bro, come grub and vibe with me,” and they straight up feasted. David got him turnt, then later bounced to his bed with his servants, but not to his own crib, ya feel?
14. The next morning, David slid into Joab’s DMs and sent a message with Uriah as the delivery guy.
15. In the letter, David was like, “Yo, put Uriah in the front lines where the fight is the craziest, then pull back so he gets hit and dies.”
16. Joab scoped out the city and sent Uriah to a spot where he knew the fiercest warriors were.
17. The city’s fighters came out and clashed with Joab’s crew. Some of David’s guys went down, and Uriah the Hittite was among them.
18. Joab sent all the details of the battle back to David.
19. The messenger was like, “Yo, when you finish spilling the tea about the battle to the king,
20. If the king gets heated and asks why you got so close to the city walls, like, didn’t you know they’d shoot from there?
21. Remember who took out Abimelech, son of Jerubbesheth? A lady yeeted a chunk of millstone on him from the wall and he died at Thebez. Why did y’all go near the wall? Just tell him Uriah the Hittite is dead too. (FYI, Jerubbesheth is also called Jerubbaal.)
22. The messenger went and told David everything Joab had sent him about.
23. So, this messenger rolls up to David like, “Bro, no joke, we got wrecked out there! The enemy came at us hard in the field, and we were holding it down until we hit the gate, man.
24. And those guys on the wall? They were straight up snipers, taking out your loyal ones. It’s messed, dude! We lost some of the king’s crew, even Uriah the Hittite, one of our own.
25. David’s like, “Tell Joab this: Don’t sweat it, man. In war, it’s all risky biz. Amp up and take that city with all you got. Give Joab some pep talk vibes, alright?”
26. So, when Uriah’s wife hears about his death, she’s crushed, mourning big time.
27. After the mourning period, David brings her into his pad, they tie the knot, and she pops out a son. But God wasn’t vibing with what David did.

2 Samuel 12

1. So, like, God was all, ‘Hey, Nathan, go talk to David.’ And Nathan was like, ‘Cool, I got this.’ So he heads over to David and he’s like, ‘Listen up, dude. There were these two guys in the same hood. One was ballin’, and the other was barely making ends meet, you feel me?’
2. The rich dude, he had, like, a ton of flocks and herds:
3. But this one poor guy, he had, like, nada, except for this one small pet lamb he bought and raised. They were tight, man, like, besties with him and his kids. It would eat from his plate, sip from his cup, chill in his lap, and was, like, practically part of the fam.
4. So this guy rolls up to the rich dude’s crib, and the rich dude had plenty of his own animals to serve his guest. But instead of using his own stash, he takes the poor guy’s special lamb and cooks it up for the guest without even asking. Like, seriously? Not cool, dude.
5. David was majorly ticked off and he told Nathan, ‘I swear on the Lord’s name, the guy who did this deserves some serious payback.’
6. So, like, he totally gotta pay back the lamb four times, ’cause he pulled that shady move and showed zero mercy.
7. And Nathan was all like, dude, it’s you. This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, is saying: I picked you to be king over Israel, and I saved your butt from Saul’s grip.
8. And I totally hooked you up with your master’s digs, and your master’s honeys, and I even gave you the whole Israel and Judah scene; and like, if that wasn’t enough, I would’ve hooked you up with even more rad stuff.
9. Bro, why’d you diss the Lord’s command and do something wicked in His sight? You straight up offed Uriah the Hittite and snatched his girl to make her your own. And just to add insult to injury, you took him out with the Ammonites’ blade.
10. So, like, hear me out, from now on there’s gonna be constant drama in your crew, ’cause you dissed me and copped Uriah the Hittite’s girl as your own. Not cool, man.
11. Yo, peeps, listen up! The LORD’s dropping some truth bombs here. Imma tell you straight, there’s gonna be some serious drama in your own fam. And guess what? Your wives? Yeah, they’re gonna get snatched right in front of your face and handed over to your neighbor. And he ain’t gonna waste no time cozying up with them, like, right there in broad daylight, under the sun’s watchful gaze.
12. You thought you could keep it low-key, but nah, I’m about to expose your whole deal in front of all Israel. Even the sun’s gonna peep this.
13. David was like, ‘Bro, Nathan, I messed up big time. I totally screwed things up with the LORD.’ And Nathan was all chill, like, ‘Don’t stress, man. The LORD’s forgiving you and ain’t gonna take your life for this.’
14. But, yo, ’cause you just gave those haters of the LORD some solid ammo to trash-talk, that baby you’re gonna have? Yeah, that baby’s gonna pass away, for real.
15. So Nathan bounced. And God made the baby that Uriah’s wife had with David seriously sick, like, real bad.
16. So David hit up God for the baby, and he went all out with a hardcore fasting session. He stayed up all night, sleeping on the ground like a boss. #dedication #prayinghard
17. Then the OGs in his crew got up and tried to get him off the ground, but he straight-up refused. He didn’t even touch a piece of bread with them.
18. So, like, on the seventh day, the kid passed away. David’s crew was shook to break the news ’cause when the kid was still kicking, David was ghosting us. We were like, “If he was brushing us off then, imagine his vibe now that the kid’s gone?”
19. But then David caught wind of his squad gossiping, and he knew the deal. He was like, “Yo, did the kid dip?” And they were like, “Yeah, bro, he’s out.”
20. So David pulled himself together, freshened up, changed his threads, and hit up the house of the LORD to worship. After that, he bounced back to his place, and when he asked for grub, they hooked him up, and he dug in.
21. His squad was like, “Bro, what’s with the flip? You were all about that fasting and tears when the kid was alive, but now that he’s gone, you’re chilling and eating.”
22. And David was like, “When the kid was alive, I was going through it, fasting, crying, the works. ‘Cause I was thinking, like, maybe GOD would show some love and save the kid, you feel?”
23. “But now he’s gone, so why keep fasting? Can I bring him back? Nah, man. I’ll meet him one day, but he can’t come back to me.”
24. So David was vibing with Bathsheba, his wifey, and they got down and had a baby boy. They called him Solomon, and guess what? The LORD was totally feeling him.
25. So, like, God hit up Nathan the prophet with a message and was like, “His name’s Jedidiah now,” which is like, the LORD’s favorite or something, you dig?
26. So, Joab went all in against Rabbah, which was Ammonite turf, and straight-up took their main city.
27. So Joab slid into David’s DMs like, ‘Sup bro, just FYI, I totally crushed Rabbah in the battle and we snagged the city with all its water supply.’
28. So, like, round up the crew and camp out right outside the city. We’re taking this place over, ya feel? I mean, I can’t let the city not rep my name, right? Gotta leave my legacy, squad. #CityConquest
29. So, David got his whole crew together, and they headed to Rabbah, ready to conquer it like bosses.
30. Then David straight up snatched the king’s crown, made of pure gold and blinged out with sick gemstones, and plopped it on his own head. He stunted around with all the loot from the city, which was seriously insane.
31. And he brought out all the people and put them through some hardcore stuff like saws, iron harrows, and axes, even making them pass through a brickkiln. He did this to all the Ammonite cities. After that, David and the whole squad bounced back to Jerusalem.

2 Samuel 13

1. Yo, check it, after this whole thing went down, there was this dude named Absalom, who was David’s son, and yo, he had this sis named Tamar, who was straight-up stunning. Then there’s this other guy, Amnon, who was also David’s son, and he was head over heels for Tamar.
2. Amnon was like seriously shook because he was crushing hard on his sis Tamar. She was still keeping it pure, and Amnon thought it was like impossible to make a move on her. It was like facing an epic boss battle for him.
3. But yo, Amnon had this bro named Jonadab, who was Shimeah, David’s homie, and let me tell you, Jonadab was mega brainy.
4. And he was all like, “Bro, why you, the king’s son, getting all skinny by the day? Can’t you spill the deets to me?” And Amnon was like, “Bro, I’m straight up crushing on Tamar, Absalom’s sis. Like, every single day I’m feeling this vibe.”
5. And Jonadab was like, “Bro, just chill on your bed and fake being sick. When your pops comes to check on you, ask him if Tamar, my sis, can swing by and bring me some grub. Make sure she cooks it right in front of me, so I can peep it and eat it from her hands.”
6. And he better cough up four lambs ’cause he played dirty without any mercy, you know?
7. Nathan was like, dude, it’s all on you. This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, is dropping: I picked you as top dog over Israel, and I saved you from Saul’s grip.
8. I set you up with your master’s pad, your master’s babes, and I even threw in the whole Israel and Judah scene; and if that wasn’t lit enough, I would’ve hooked you up with even more rad stuff.
9. Why did you diss the Lord’s orders and pull off something sketchy in His sight? You straight up offed Uriah the Hittite and jacked his girl to be yours. And to make it worse, you did him in with an Ammonite blade.
10. So, like, hear me out, there’s gonna be constant drama in your crew from now on ’cause you dissed me and snagged Uriah the Hittite’s girl for yourself. Not cool, man.
11. Aight, peeps, listen up! The LORD’s dropping some truth bombs here. Imma stir up some serious drama in your fam, straight from the inside. And peep this, I’m gonna snatch your wives and hand them over to your neighbor, and they gonna get cozy right in broad daylight.
12. You thought you could keep this low-key, but nah, I’m about to expose it to the whole squad in Israel, even the sun gonna see what’s up.
13. David was like, ‘Bro, Nathan, I messed up big time. I totally sinned against the LORD.’ And Nathan was like, ‘Chill, dude. The LORD forgives you, no death penalty here.’
14. But yo, since you just gave those haters a legit reason to talk trash, your future kid is gonna pay the price, for real.
15. So Nathan bounced. And then God hit David and Bathsheba’s baby with a serious illness, like, not even kidding, man.
16. So David hit up God for the kid, and he went all out with fasting. He pulled an all-nighter, crashed on the ground like a boss. #devotion #prayinghard
17. Then the OGs in his crew got up and rolled to him, tryna help him up from the ground. But he straight up refused, and didn’t even snack with them.
18. So on the seventh day, the child passed away. David’s squad was shook to break the news to him ’cause when the kid was still kicking, he wouldn’t even vibe with us. We thought, if he brushed us off like that before, imagine how torn up he’ll be if we drop the bomb that the kid’s gone?
19. But when David peeped that his squad was whispering, David knew that the child had passed away. So David asked his squad, ‘Yo, is the kid gone?’ And they were like, ‘Yeah, he’s out, man.’
20. So David got up, freshened up, switched his fit, and hit up the crib of the LORD to worship. After that, he bounced back to his own spot and when he asked for it, they served him some grub, and he grubbed.
21. Yo, his crew said to him, ‘Bro, what’s the deal with this? You were fasting and shedding tears for the kid when they were alive, but now that they’re gone, you’re up and munching on food.’
22. And David was all like, “When the little dude was still kicking, I was going through it, you know? Fasting, shedding tears, the whole deal. ‘Cause I’m thinking, like, maybe if I go hard on praying, GOD might hook it up and spare the kid.”
23. But, yo, once he was gone, I’m thinking, why should I keep fasting? Can I just snap my fingers and bring him back? Nah, man. One day, I’ll bounce to where he’s at, but he ain’t coming back here.
24. So David was there for Bathsheba, his wifey, and they got cozy and popped out a baby boy. They called him Solomon, and you know what? The LORD was all about him.
25. So, like, GOD hit up Nathan the prophet with a message and gave him the name Jedidiah, which means like, beloved of the LORD, you feel me?
26. So, Joab rolled up on Rabbah, owned by the Ammonites, and straight-up took their main spot.
27. Then Joab slid into David’s DMs like, ‘Ayy, bro, just so you know, I straight-up wrecked Rabbah in battle and we snagged the city with all its water flow.’
28. Yo, round up the squad and pitch tents just outside the city. We’re about to claim this turf, you feel? Ain’t no way this city ain’t repping my name, gotta leave my legacy, fam. #CityConquest
29. So, David got his whole crew together, and they pulled up to Rabbah, ready to take charge and snatch that victory.
30. He straight up swiped the king’s crown, blinged out with a fat chunk of gold and jewels, and plopped it on David’s head. Then he stunted around with all the loot from the city, a serious treasure haul. No joke, it was insane.
31. And he had all the people there go through some hardcore stuff, like saws, iron harrows, axes, even had them pass through a brickkiln. He did this to all the Ammonite cities. Then David and the whole crew bounced back to Jerusalem.

2 Samuel 13

1. So, after this went down, there’s this dude named Absalom, David’s son, and he’s got this stunning sis called Tamar. Then there’s Amnon, also David’s kid, who’s totally crushing on Tamar.
2. Amnon’s all torn up ’cause he’s head over heels for his sis, Tamar, who’s still pure, and he’s thinking it’s impossible to make a move. It’s like a challenge he can’t even wrap his head around.
3. But Amnon’s got this buddy Jonadab, Shimeah’s kid, David’s bro, and lemme tell ya, Jonadab’s mad clever.
4. So, he’s like, bro, why you, the king’s son, looking so down all the time? Spill it to me. And Amnon’s like, dude, I’m crushing hard on Tamar, Absalom’s sis. Every dang day, man.
5. Jonadab’s like, dude, just fake sick in bed. When your pops checks on you, ask if Tamar can bring you some grub. Make sure she cooks it in front of you, so you can eat from her hands.
6. So, Amnon was feeling really down and out, you know? And when pops came to check on him, Amnon was all like, ‘Yo, Dad, can you hit up Tamar, my sis, and tell her to swing by and whip up some epic cakes? I need a snack, stat.’
7. So David slid into Tamar’s DMs like, ‘Hey, can you head over to your bro Amnon’s place and cook up something for him?’
8. Tamar rolled up to her brother Amnon’s spot, and he was just chilling. She grabbed some flour and started mixing it up to make some awesome cakes right there in front of him, then popped ’em in the oven.
9. She plated up those cakes and brought ’em over, but he straight-up dissed them. Then Amnon kicked everyone out, clearing the room.
10. Amnon was like, ‘Yo, Tamar, bring me that food so I can munch.’ So Tamar grabbed the cakes she whipped up and took them to Amnon’s pad.
11. When she served him up, he grabbed her and was like, ‘Come hang with me, sis, let’s kick it in bed.’
12. And she was like, “Nah, bro, this isn’t happening. Doing this is not okay in Israel. Don’t be dumb about it.”
13. And I was like, “Where would I even go to hide my shame? And you’d just be known as one of those fools in Israel. So, seriously, talk to the king because he won’t stop us from being together.”
14. But he wasn’t having it, and since he was stronger, he forced her and slept with her.
15. Afterward, Amnon was super mad at her, like way more than he ever loved her. He was all like, “Get up and leave.”
16. And she was like, “This is so unfair. Kicking me out is even worse than what you did before.” But he wasn’t listening.
17. So he called his servant and was like, “Get this girl out of here right now and lock the door behind her.”
18. And she was rocking this super lit outfit with mad different colors, you know, the kind of threads that the king’s single daughters would vibe with. Then the servant let her bounce and locked the door behind her.
19. So Tamar, like, threw ashes on her head and ripped her super stylish, multicolored gear. She straight up put her hand on her head and just let the tears flow, like, no holding back.
20. And Absalom, Tamar’s bro, was all, ‘Yo, has Amnon, your bro, been with you?’ But chill, sis, he’s your fam, no need to stress. So Tamar crashed at Absalom’s crib. 💔
21. But when King David found out, man, he was seriously ticked off.
22. So Absalom didn’t say squat to Amnon, ’cause he hated Amnon for what he did to Tamar, their sis.
23. So, like, after waiting for, you know, a legit two whole years, Absalom threw this epic bash at Baalhazor, near Ephraim and all. And guess what? He invited all the king’s sons.
24. So Absalom rolls up to the king and goes, ‘Yo, peep this, my dude! Your servant’s got some mad sheepshearers. It would be lit if you and your squad could roll with us.’
25. And the king’s like, ‘Nah, dude, not all of us should go right now. It might be too much for you, you know?’ But Absalom wouldn’t let it go, man, he really wanted to go. But in the end, he didn’t go and the king gave him his blessing.
26. Absalom’s like, ‘Hey bro, if Amnon can’t roll with us, let’s just do it. But yo, the king’s all like, ‘Why does he need to come along?’
27. But Absalom keeps pushing to take Amnon and all the king’s sons with him.
28. So Absalom tells his crew, listen up, wait for Amnon to get lit, and when I give you the signal, straight up hit him, no fear. I’m calling the shots here, so be bold and show your strength. You got this, my warriors!
29. And Absalom’s squad does what he says to Amnon. Then all the king’s sons bounce on their fancy rides and peace out.
30. So, like, on the way, David hears some heavy news, man. They’re like, ‘Yo, Absalom just straight up offed all the king’s sons, man, not one of them made it.’
31. So the king gets up, rips his threads, and just flops on the ground. And all his crew are there, rocking ripped clothes too.
32. Yo, Jonadab, Shimeah’s bro, steps up like, ‘Hold up, my dude! Don’t think all the king’s sons got wiped. It was just Amnon who bit it. Absalom had it planned since the day he messed with Tamar, you feel me? It was all set, man.’
33. Yo, King, don’t stress thinking all the king’s sons are gone. It’s just Amnon who bit it.
34. So Absalom straight up dips. And this dude on guard duty looks up and sees a bunch of people coming down the hillside from behind.
35. Yo, King, check it, the king’s sons are here, just like Jonadab said. He totally called it, man!
36. And right after he says that, guess what? The king’s sons show up and start bawling their eyes out, and guess what? The king and all his crew are crying too. Tears everywhere, man!
37. But Absalom peaces out and slides into Talmai’s DMs, Ammihud’s son, running the Geshur squad. And
38. Then Absalom dips to Geshur and chills there for like three years.
39. King David’s really itching to see Absalom, ’cause he’s feeling a bit better now that Amnon’s out of the picture. #familydrama

2 Samuel 14

1. So Joab, son of Zeruiah, peeped that the king was totally vibing with Absalom, right?
2. So Joab hit up this wise lady from Tekoah, asked her to play like she’s mourning hard, dressing in all black and skipping the oils, you know?
3. And like, he’s telling her to talk to the king like this, feeding her the right lines.
4. So, when this Tekoah woman comes to the king, she straight falls to the ground, showing mad respect, and goes, ‘Yo, king, help me out.’
5. Then the king’s like, ‘What’s up?’ And she’s like, ‘OMG, I’m a widow now, my man’s gone.’
6. So, this woman? She got two sons, and they’re straight beefing in the field. One of ’em ended up murking the other, no one there to stop the drama, you dig?
7. Listen up, the whole fam’s turning on me, saying, ‘Hand over the killer so we can murk him for taking a life.’ And they wanna wipe out the heir too. If that happens, it’s like my man never existed, ya feel?
8. And the king’s like, ‘Chill, go home, I got you.’
9. The Tekoah woman’s like, ‘Nah, blame’s on me and my fam, not you and your reign.’
10. And the king’s like, ‘Anyone messes with you, bring ’em to me, they won’t bother you again.’
11. Then she’s like, ‘Please, King, remember God, stop the bloodshed. Don’t let them harm my son.’ And the king’s like, ‘Swear by God’s name, not a hair on your son’s head will be touched. Avenger won’t strike again.’
12. So she’s like, ‘Can I drop some knowledge on you, oh mighty king?’ And he’s like, ‘Sure, spill.’
13. And she’s like, ‘Why you gotta do this to God’s people? You ain’t brought back the exiles, king’s messing up.’
14. We all gotta go, it’s like spilling water, can’t reverse it. God ain’t partial, but He’s got a plan, you hear?
15. So, I’m telling you, king, your people got me shook. Maybe you’ll hear me out.
16. The king’s got my back, gonna save me and my son from the evil one trying to mess with God’s plan.
17. And I’m like, ‘Yo king, your words are fire! You’re like a God-sent angel, knowing what’s up. The Lord’s got you, fam.’
18. Ayo, king, no cap, hit me with whatever you wanna know. And the woman was like, “For real, spill the tea, my king.”
19. The king was like, “Ain’t Joab mixed up in this?” And the woman was like, “On everything, my king, nobody crosses you ’cause Joab put these words in my mouth.”
20. Joab set up this whole convo, and my king got that wisdom like an angel, knowing everything.
21. So the king was like, “Joab, peep this move. Go fetch Absalom.”
22. Joab straight up bowed, showing mad respect to the king. He was like, “Today I see you got my back, my lord, ’cause you came through.”
23. Joab dipped to Geshur to fetch Absalom.
24. The king was like, “Go home, don’t even look my way.” So Absalom bounced, didn’t even see the king.
25. But yo, Absalom was the talk of the town for his looks. Dude was flawless, no cap.
26. Every year, he’d trim his hair ’cause it was getting heavy. It weighed 200 shekels, straight up royal status.
27. Absalom had three sons and a daughter named Tamar, who was fine as hell.
28. Absalom stayed in Jerusalem for two years but never chilled with the king.
29. Absalom hit up Joab to link with the king, but Joab wasn’t vibing. Even after a second hit, Joab wasn’t down.
30. So Absalom was like, “Bet, let’s light up Joab’s place, where he’s got all that barley.” And they torched it.
31. Joab pulled up to Absalom’s spot, like, “Why’d your crew torch my place?”
32. Absalom was like, “I hit you up to see the king, to ask why I even came back from Geshur. Now let me see him and own up if I messed up.”
33. Joab told the king, who called for Absalom. Dude bowed down humbly before the king, who hugged and kissed him.

2 Samuel 15

1. So, after all that drama, Absalom scored himself some sick rides and horses. He rolled with a squad of fifty dudes, flexing and running ahead of him.
2. Absalom was an early bird, posted up by the gate. Whenever someone had beef and came to the king, Absalom was on it. He’d be like, “Where you from, fam?” They’d rep their Israelite tribe.
3. Absalom was like, “Bro, I feel you. Your beef is legit, but it’s messed up no one from the king’s crew is here to hear you out. It’s like, they’re ghosting you from the top down.”
4. He was all, “Man, I wish I could be the judge of the whole land, be there for everyone who needs help, and serve up some real justice, you dig?”
5. So, whenever someone showed him respect, he’d dap them up, pull them close, and drop a friendly kiss.
6. So Absalom was, like, totally pulling some smooth moves on all of Israel who came looking for the king’s judgment, and he straight-up won their hearts.
7. Fast forward, like, forty years, Absalom’s all, “Sup, King! Can I bounce and keep this promise I made to the LORD in Hebron?
8. Back when I was vibing in Geshur, Syria, I made this big pledge. I was like, ‘Yo, if God brings me back to Jerusalem, then I’m all in for serving Him.’
9. And the king was cool about it, saying, ‘Go in peace, bro.’ So Absalom bounced and headed to Hebron.
10. Absalom, being all sneaky, sent his squad to check out all the tribes of Israel. He was like, ‘Once you hear that trumpet blowing, make sure everyone knows Absalom’s taking charge in Hebron.’
11. And Absalom rolled with two hundred dudes from Jerusalem, who were pretty clueless about what was going down.
12. Absalom hit up Ahithophel, David’s go-to advisor, from his hometown Giloh while he was making sacrifices. And dang, the plot thickened ’cause Absalom was getting more and more fans.
13. Someone slid into David’s DMs, saying, “Bruh, the whole squad in Israel is now repping Absalom.”
14. So David told all his peeps in Jerusalem, “Yo, we gotta bounce! Let’s dip ASAP before Absalom rolls up on us. Move quick before he pulls up and starts wrecking everything, no cap.”
15. The king’s crew was like, “Yo king, we got you. We’re down for whatever you say.”
16. So the king said, “Let’s roll!” and everyone joined him. But he left like ten of his side chicks (concubines) to hold down the fort. #priorities
17. The king dipped out with everyone following him, chilling at a spot far away.
18. His whole squad was with him, including the Cherethites, the Pelethites, and the Gittites—600 dudes from Gath—all rolling out in front of the king.
19. The king said, “Yo, Ittai the Gittite, why you coming with us? Go back and chill with the new king, man. You’re a foreigner, an exile.”
20. “You just got here yesterday. Do you really need to wander with us today? Go back and take your homies with you. May mercy and truth be with you.”
21. But Ittai was like, “Nah, king. I swear to the Lord and on your life, wherever you go, alive or dead, I’m with you.”
22. So David was like, “Aight, Ittai, come on through.” And Ittai the Gittite crossed over with all his homies, even the little ones.
23. Everyone in the land was crying loudly as they crossed over. Even the king crossed over the Kidron brook, heading toward the wilderness.
24. Zadok and all the Levites were vibing with him, carrying the ark of God’s covenant. They set down the ark, and Abiathar hung out until everyone had left the city.
25. The king told Zadok, “Yo, take the ark of God back to the city. If the LORD is cool with me, He’ll bring me back and let me see both the ark and His place again.”
26. But if he’s like, ‘I’m not vibing with you anymore,’ then, like, here I am, let him do whatever he wants with me, you know?
27. The king was like, ‘Dude, aren’t you, like, a seer? Go back to the city with good vibes, and take your two sons with you, Ahimaaz and Jonathan, son of Abiathar.’
28. Yo, I’m gonna vibe in the wild until you hit me up with some updates, ya feel?
29. So, Zadok and Abiathar brought the ark of God back to Jerusalem and they stayed there.
30. So David went up the hill of Olivet, and he was really down, like full-on in his feels. He covered his head and walked barefoot. All the people who were with him also covered their heads and cried as they walked up the hill.
31. So, someone came up to David and told him, ‘Hey, just so you know, Ahithophel is part of Absalom’s crew plotting against you.’ And David was like, ‘Oh God, I really hope you can handle that. Can you just make Ahithophel’s advice look totally lame, please? Thanks.’
32. So, like, David reached the absolute peak of the mountain where he was just deep in worship mode, right? And out of nowhere, this dude named Hushai the Archite shows up, looking all beat up with his clothes ripped and dirt all over his head, you know?
33. David’s like, if you roll with me, bro, you’ll just slow me down, man.
34. But like, if you go back to the city and tell Absalom that you wanna be his ride-or-die, dude, like as a loyal AF homie to your dad till now, so from now on, I’ll totally be your ride-or-die too. Then you can count on me to help you outsmart Ahithophel’s advice and stuff.
35. Hey, do you have Zadok and Abiathar the priests with you right now? If so, here’s the deal: whatever info you get from the king’s house, make sure you share it with Zadok and Abiathar ASAP.
36. Yo, check it out, they’ve got their two sons with them: Ahimaaz, Zadok’s kid, and Jonathan, Abiathar’s kid. Send them to me with any info you can gather.
37. Then Hushai, David’s homie, pulled up in the city, while Absalom rolled into Jerusalem.

2 Samuel 16

1. So, David was just vibin’, makin’ his way up the hill, when he bumps into Ziba, who’s like Mephibosheth’s right-hand dude. Ziba’s got a couple of donkeys loaded with goodies—200 loaves, 100 raisin packs, 100 summer fruits, and a bottle of wine, you feel me?
2. The king’s like, ‘Hey Ziba, what’s with all the loot?’ And Ziba’s all, ‘Well, these donkeys are for the royal squad to ride in style, the snacks are for the crew, and the wine’s for those who need a boost.’
3. So the king’s like, ‘Where’s your master’s kid at?’ And Ziba’s like, ‘Oh, he’s posted up in Jerusalem, talkin’ ’bout how today’s the day Israel’s gonna hook him up with his dad’s kingdom.’
4. Then the king’s like, ‘Ziba, listen up, everything that used to belong to Mephibosheth? Yeah, it’s all yours now.’ And Ziba’s like, ‘Please, boss, I’m just tryna be cool in your eyes, ya know? Super humble over here.’
5. So, when King David rolls into Bahurim, this dude Shimei, straight outta Saul’s crew, starts jawin’ at him like there’s no tomorrow. No chill whatsoever, just keeps on cursin’ him out.
6. Alright, so David and his squad were just taking a stroll down the road, minding their own business, you know? Then outta nowhere, Shimei pops up, trying to be all cool, strutting on the hillside like he’s the boss. But here’s the plot twist – this dude starts mouthing off at David, tossing stones like it’s nobody’s business, and to top it off, he throws dust in David’s face. Like, seriously? Who even does that?
7. So the king and his crew, straight-up exhausted, find a spot to crash and recharge.
8. Now, Absalom and his crew from Israel roll up to Jerusalem, and Ahithophel’s riding with them.
9. So, when Hushai the Archite, David’s boy, links up with Absalom, he’s like, “Long live the king, long live the king.”
10. Absalom’s like, “Yo, Hushai, you really gonna play me like that? Why didn’t you ride with your boy?”
11. But Hushai ain’t having it; he’s like, “Nah, man, I’m riding with whoever the LORD, the people, and all Israel ride with, you feel me?”
12. And who am I supposed to be loyal to, huh? Shouldn’t I serve your pops’ son too? I’ve been holding it down in your dad’s crew, so I’m gonna do the same in yours, bro.
13. So Absalom’s like, “Alright, Ahithophel, let’s brainstorm some fire ideas on our next moves.”
14. The king and his whole squad were wiped out, so they found a spot to chill and recharge.
15. Meanwhile, Absalom and all the Israelites rolled up to Jerusalem, and Ahithophel was with them.
16. When Hushai the Archite, David’s bro, met Absalom, he was like, “Long live the king, long live the king!”
17. Absalom was like, “Hushai, seriously? Is this how you treat your bro? Why didn’t you stick with him?”
18. Hushai was like, “Nah dude, I’m loyal to whoever the LORD, the people, and all of Israel choose. That’s my crew.”
19. “And who should I serve? Shouldn’t I serve his son too? Just like I served your dad, I’ll serve you, man.”
20. Then Absalom said, “Yo Ahithophel, let’s come up with some fire ideas for our next move.”
21. Ahithophel said, “You should totally hook up with your dad’s concubines that he left to take care of the house. That’ll show everyone how your dad feels about you and boost your followers’ confidence.”
22. So they set up a tent on the roof, and Absalom hooked up with his dad’s side chicks in front of everyone in Israel.
23. Ahithophel’s advice was like getting guidance straight from God. Both David and Absalom valued his words like divine wisdom.

2 Samuel 17

1. So Ahithophel was all, ‘Yo, Absalom, let me gather up twelve thousand of the crew, and we’ll roll on David tonight.’
2. I’ll catch him slippin’, when he’s straight-up exhausted, drained of all his energy. I’ll freak him out big time. His squad will scatter for sure, and I’ll take down the king, like BANG!
3. And I’ll round up all the peeps for you, bro: the guy you’re after will be like, everyone’s got your back, fam. So, all the folks will be chill and peaceful.
4. Absalom was vibin’ with this, and all the OGs in Israel were down with it too.
5. Absalom was like, ‘Yo, bring Hushai the Archite over here, we wanna hear his take too. Lay it on us, bro.’
6. So when Hushai showed up, Absalom was like, ‘Yo, Ahithophel just dropped some heavy stuff. Should we go with it? If not, speak up, man.’
7. Absalom, listen up. Ahithophel’s advice ain’t hitting right now, trust me. #NotFeelinIt #SecondThoughts
8. So, Hushai was like, ‘You know your pops and his crew, right? They’re straight-up beasts, always on high alert like a mama bear whose cubs got snatched in the wild. Your pops is a fierce warrior, he ain’t gonna just chill with the common folk. You get me?’
9. Yo, he’s probably hiding out somewhere, like in some secret spot. And you know what’s gonna happen? As soon as a few of his guys get taken out, everyone’s gonna be like, ‘OMG, Absalom’s crew is getting wrecked!’
10. Even the bravest, with hearts as bold as lions, are gonna freak out because everyone in Israel knows how powerful your dad is and the legit warriors he has with him.
11. So here’s the plan: gather all of Israel, from Dan to Beersheba, like a ton of sand on the beach—massive squad goals. And then, for the ultimate flex, you lead the charge in battle. Show off your epic presence. Let’s make this happen!
12. We’ll totally catch him off guard wherever he’s at, like dew hitting the ground. Not a single one of his crew will get away—no chance.
13. And if he manages to dip into a city, all of Israel will grab ropes and pull that city into the river until there’s not even a tiny stone left.
14. So Absalom and all the peeps from Israel were like, “Yo, Hushai’s advice is way better than Ahithophel’s! It’s straight-up divine intervention, for real. The LORD made sure Ahithophel’s good advice would flop, just to bring some bad vibes on Absalom.”
15. So Hushai slid over to Zadok and Abiathar, the priests, and spilled all the tea about what Ahithophel told Absalom and the squad. He shared his own advice too, same deal.
16. So, like, send a quick message to David and be like, “Dude, don’t crash in the boring wilderness tonight. Cross it ASAP! Otherwise, the king and everyone with him might get totally wrecked.”
17. Jonathan and Ahimaaz were chilling at Enrogel because they didn’t wanna get caught entering the city. This girl slid into their DMs and spilled the tea, so they slid into King David’s DMs and shared the info.
18. But then this dude saw what was happening and told Absalom. They bounced fast and went to some guy’s crib in Bahurim. This dude had a sick well in his yard, so they dipped down into it.
19. Then the woman grabbed a sheet, covered the well’s opening, sprinkled some cornmeal on it, and nobody found out what she did.
20. When Absalom’s crew rolled up to the lady’s crib, they were all, “Yo, where’s Ahimaaz and Jonathan?” She was like, “Oh, they dipped to the other side of the stream, fam.” They searched but couldn’t find them, so they went back to Jerusalem.
21. After they left, Jonathan and Ahimaaz climbed out of the well and went to tell King David. They were like, “Yo David, wake up and move fast across the water ’cause Ahithophel is totally plotting against you!”
22. So David got up, and his whole squad rolled out too. They crossed over the Jordan River, and guess what? When morning came, not a single one of them was left on the other side. Squad goals achieved!
23. When Ahithophel realized no one listened to his advice, he quickly packed up, hopped on his ride, went back home to his city, organized his household affairs, sadly took his own life, and was laid to rest in his father’s burial place.
24. David pulled up to Mahanaim, and Absalom and the whole squad of Israel crossed the Jordan with him.
25. Absalom was like, “Amasa is the new captain of the crew instead of Joab.” Amasa was the son of this dude named Ithra, who was an Israeli. He even hooked up with Abigail, Nahash’s daughter, who’s Zeruiah’s sister – Joab’s mom. (BTW, Ithra might also be called Jether, and Nahash is also known as Jesse, you feel?)
26. So Israel and Absalom were staying in the land of Gilead.
27. When David arrived at Mahanaim, these dudes named Shobi (Nahash’s son from Rabbah of the Ammonites), Machir (Ammiel’s son from Lodebar), and Barzillai (the Gileadite from Rogelim) were there too.
28. They brought some cool stuff like beds, bowls, clay jars, wheat, barley, flour, toasted corn, beans, lentils, and toasted seeds. (BTW, ‘basons’ actually means cups!)
29. They also brought honey, butter, sheep, and cow cheese for David and his squad to feast on because they were all starving, exhausted, and thirsty in the middle of nowhere.

2 Samuel 18

1. So David counted up all his crew, and he hooked up some dope leaders to handle squads of thousands and hundreds.
2. Then David split everyone into three crews. Joab led one, Abishai (who’s Joab’s bro) led another, and Ittai the Gittite took charge of the third crew. And even David himself was like, “Y’all, I’m rolling with you, no doubt.”
3. But the squad was like, “Nah, man, you can’t come through. If things go south, they won’t even care about us. Even if half of us get taken out, they won’t blink. But you, man, you’re worth like ten thousand of us. So it’s way better if you stay back and save us from this mess.”
4. So David was like, “Alright, fam, what’s the move?” And he posted up by the gate, and all the people swarmed out, like, in the hundreds and thousands.
5. David was like, “Yo, Joab, Abishai, Ittai, listen up. When it comes to Absalom, I need you to handle him with mad care – like, no rough stuff. And everybody was all ears when David laid down the rules to all the squad leaders about dealing with Absalom.
6. So, like, these other dudes came at Israel in the field, and the battle went down in the wood of Ephraim, you know?
7. So, David’s squad straight up wrecked the Israelites, like, it was an epic beatdown, twenty thousand dudes went down that day.
8. The battle was insane, yo, it spread out everywhere. But yo, the forest was savage, it took out more people than swords. It was on a munching spree, you dig?
9. Absalom rolled up on some of David’s crew. He was chillin’ on a dope mule, but the mule went under this big oak’s branches, and Absalom’s head got stuck. He was left hanging between sky and ground while his ride bolted.
10. This dude peeped it and straight up told Joab, like, ‘Yo, Joab, check it! Absalom’s stuck on this oak!’
11. Joab was like, ‘Bro, you saw him and didn’t free him? For real? You could’ve scored some cash and a sweet girdle.’
12. The dude was like, ‘Even if you handed me a stack of cash, I wouldn’t touch the king’s son. We all heard David warn you, Abishai, and Ittai, to keep Absalom safe.’
13. If I front like that, I’m straight-up lying to myself, and that’s a major L, fam. ‘Cause, like, the Most High knows what’s up, no cap. And you, bruh, you’d be all up against me.
14. Joab was like, ‘Bruh, I can’t just chill here forever.’ So he grabs three darts and straight-up shanks Absalom’s heart while he’s still breathing, smack dab in the middle of this oak tree.
15. Then ten homies roll up with Joab’s sick armor, surrounded Absalom, and straight-up clapped him, taking him out!
16. Then Joab blew the trumpet, and the squad dipped out from chasing Israel ’cause Joab got ’em to back off.
17. So they bagged Absalom and tossed him into a massive pit in the woods, piling up a ton of big rocks on top of him. Then all the Israelites scattered and bounced back to their own tents.
18. Back in the day, Absalom decided to stunt and built this huge pillar in the king’s dale, ya feel? He was like, ‘Yo, I don’t have a son to carry on my legacy, so let’s make sure people never forget me!’ That’s why he named the pillar after himself, and everyone still calls it Absalom’s place even now.
19. So Ahimaaz, Zadok’s kid, was like ‘Yo, let me bounce and tell the king the good news that the LORD totally smoked his enemies, like, straight-up judged them and stuff. #forreal
20. Joab was like, “Bruh, not today. Hold off on the news drop. The king’s son bit the dust, man. Let’s chill for a sec.”
21. So Joab told Cushi, “Ayy, spill the beans to the king what you saw. And Cushi bowed down, then dipped out in a rush.”
22. Ahimaaz, Zadok’s kid, was like, “Yo, can I also hustle after Cushi?” Joab was like, “Dude, why run when you got no scoop yet?”
23. “But come on, lemme give it a shot.” Joab was like, “Do your thing, man!” So Ahimaaz jets through the field and breezes past Cushi.
24. So David was posted between the gates, right? Then this lookout heads up to the roof, peeps the scene, and spots this lone dude sprinting.
25. The lookout hollers and tells the king what’s up. And the king’s like, “If he’s solo, he’s probably packing some news.” So the guy hurries over, getting closer.
26. The lookout spots another dude hauling it, so he shouts to the gatekeeper, “Yo, peep this, there’s this lone runner.” And the king’s like, “For real? He must be bringing the heat with him.”
27. The lookout was like, “Bro, that dude sprinting up front? Total Ahimaaz vibes, Zadok’s kid, you know?” And the king was like, “For sure, he’s legit bringing some epic news.” (BTW, when the lookout said ‘I see the running’, he meant ‘I totally clocked his speed’.)
28. So Ahimaaz shouts to the king, “All good vibes, man.” Then he hits the ground, face to the floor, before the king, saying, “Praise the Lord your God, who totally sorted those dudes messing with you, man.”
29. The king’s like, “Hey, how’s Absalom doing, dude?” And Ahimaaz is like, “Well, when Joab sent your servant and me, it was chaos central, but I was clueless. Everything cool, though?”
30. And the king’s like, “Chill, dude, step aside and vibe.”
31. “Listen up, y’all!” Cushi rolls in like, “My lord the king, got some big news! The LORD totally served justice today on all those haters. It’s lit! #Blessed #Winning”
32. The king’s like, “Cushi, my man, Absalom, though? He good?” Cushi’s like, “Don’t sweat it, my lord. Anyone trying to bring you down gets shut down, just like Absalom, man.”
33. The king’s hit hard, goes up to the room above the gate, and lets it all out. Walking, he keeps saying, “Oh, my dude Absalom, my bro, my homie! Wish I could’ve swapped places, bro, oh Absalom, my dude, my homie!”

2 Samuel 19

1. Yo, peeps, Joab’s got the 411—King David’s straight-up heartbroken over Absalom.
2. That big win? Total bummer vibes now. ‘Cause news spread quick about how wrecked the king was when he found out his son bit the dust. (Side note: victory in Hebrew means like, salvation or deliverance.)
3. So, everyone snuck back into the city, low-key style. You know, like when you’re feeling hella awkward at a party and just peace out quietly.
4. But then David, like, couldn’t hold it in. He covered his face and just let it all out, screaming like, ‘Absalom, my dude! Absalom, bro, my son, my son!’
5. Joab rolled up to the king’s spot and laid it down, like, ‘Bro, you totally dissed us today. We put our lives on the line for you, your fam, even your side pieces, and this is the thanks we get?’
6. You’re out here showing love to your haters and dissing your day-ones, man. Like, you don’t care if they’re A-list or just regular peeps. It’s like, if Absalom was still kicking it and we were gone, you’d be throwing a party. #hatersgonnahate #loyaltyovereverything
7. So, like, get up, go out there, and, like, spread those good vibes to your squad. Seriously, I promise by the LORD, if you don’t get out there, you’ll be all alone tonight, and that’s gonna be way worse for you than any bad stuff that’s ever happened to you before.
8. So, the king got up and hung out near the entrance. And word spread to everyone like, ‘Yo, peep it, the king’s posted up at the entrance.’ And all the homies gathered ’round the king ’cause everyone in Israel had gone back to their own tents.
9. And everyone was shook, I mean like, seriously fighting and arguing all over Israel, like OMG. They were like, ‘Dude, the king totally saved us from our enemies and the Philistines, you know? And now he just straight up dipped out of the country because of Absalom.’
10. Hey fam, just a heads up, Absalom, the dude we chose to lead us, he’s like, totally gone from a crazy battle. So like, why aren’t we even talking about bringing the king back? Like, seriously, why is everyone being so quiet about it? #BringBackTheKing
11. King David hit up Zadok and Abiathar, the priests, and was like, ‘Yo, spread the word to the OGs in Judah. Like, why y’all taking so long to bring the king back home? Everyone in Israel is already with him and stuff, right at his crib.’
12. You guys, we’re like fam, for real! So why y’all slacking and being slow to bring the king back?
13. Yo, Amasa, bro, are you not like, my fam? I swear on everything, if you don’t become the main leader of my crew instead of Joab, may God punish me big time and even more.
14. And he totally united all the guys from Judah, like they were all on the same page; they hit up the king saying, ‘Yo, come back with all your crew.’
15. So the king came back and headed to Jordan. And Judah met up at Gilgal to welcome the king and roll with him across the Jordan.
16. So this dude named Shimei, son of Gera, who’s from the Benjamin crew, straight up rushed down from Bahurim to link up with the squad of Judah and meet up with king David.
17. And like, there were, like, a thousand dudes from Benjamin rolling with him, and also Ziba, who was, like, Saul’s servant, and also his fifteen sons and his twenty other servants were there too. And they all, like, crossed the Jordan River before the king.
18. So this ferry boat rolls up to transport the king’s crew and help him do his thing. As soon as King David crosses the Jordan, Shimei, son of Gera, bows down before him like, ‘Sup, dude?’
19. And I told the king, Please don’t blame me for my mistakes, and don’t dwell on the dumb stuff I did when you left Jerusalem. Don’t let it bother you, king.
20. Okay, so your boy here knows that I messed up, no cap. That’s why I’m the first one from the squad repping Joseph’s crib to come through and meet up with my main man, the king.
21. Yo, Abishai, Zeruiah’s son, was like, ‘Can’t we just straight up slay Shimei for disrespecting the anointed of the LORD?’
22. So, like, David was all like, ‘Yo, why are you, sons of Zeruiah, trying to be my enemies today? Are we really gonna kill someone in Israel today? I mean, come on, guys, I’m the king of Israel, don’t forget!
23. So the king was like, ‘Yo Shimei, you ain’t gonna die, man. And the king was like, ‘Swear, bro.’
24. So Mephibosheth, Saul’s son, pulled up to the king looking rough – no fresh kicks, scruffy beard, and dirty clothes – ever since the king dipped until he came back safe.
25. When he rolled into Jerusalem to see the king, the king was like, “Bro, why didn’t you come with me, Mephibosheth?”
26. And he was like, “Yo king, my servant totally ghosted me. I was ready to saddle up and ride to you, but you know I’m mad crippled.”
27. “Then he went and spread fake news about me, but you’re wise like an angel from heaven. Do what you think is right, king.”
28. “Look, all my fam was basically done for, but you let me chill at your table like one of the squad. So why should I even complain anymore?”
29. And the king was like, “Why are you still stressing about your stuff? I already said, you and Ziba are splitting the land.”
30. And Mephibosheth was like, “Let him have it all. I’m just hyped that my king is back home safe.”
31. Then Barzillai from Gilead came down from Rogelim and crossed the Jordan with the king to help him get across.
32. Barzillai was, like, super old – around eighty – and he hooked the king up with food while he was in Mahanaim. This guy was a legend.
33. And the king was like, “Barzillai, come kick it with me in Jerusalem, and I’ll take care of you.”
34. But Barzillai was like, “King, I’m old. Should I really go to Jerusalem with you?”
35. “I’m eighty today. Can I even tell what’s good or not anymore? Can I enjoy food and drink? Don’t even get me started on hearing those singing voices. Why should I be a burden to you, my king?”
36. So, why’s the king gonna hook me up with such a dope reward for rolling with him across the Jordan River, ya feel?
37. Aye, king, let me dip back to my hometown so I can peace out there and rest with my folks. But, peep this, let my boy Chimham ride with you, and do what you think’s best for him.
38. And the king was like, “Chimham, you’re in, my dude. I got you covered, whatever you need, just say the word.”
39. So, everyone crossed the Jordan, right? And when the king made it, he showed Barzillai some love, blessed him, then Barzillai dipped back to his crib.
40. Later, the king and Chimham hit up Gilgal, with Judah’s crew and half of Israel’s posse escorting. #SquadGoals #Gilgal #KingTime
41. Then the Israel homies were like, “Yo, why’d Judah scoop you up and bring you and your crew across the Jordan?”
42. And Judah was like, “Chill, fam! The king’s fam to us. We didn’t even get a meal or any swag from him. Why you trippin’?”
43. Israel was like, “We’re ten times tighter with the king and more loyal to David than you! Why’d you ignore us?!” And let me tell you, Judah’s response was fire, man. They straight up disrespected us.

2 Samuel 20

1. Yo, there’s this guy Sheba, son of Bichri, repping hard from the tribe of Benjamin. But let me tell you, he’s on some shady vibes. So, one day he’s like, blasting his trumpet, straight-up declaring, “Nah fam, we’re done with David and Jesse’s kid. Time to bounce back to our own tents, Israel! Loyalty? Nah, not here anymore.”
2. And guess what? The whole Israel squad, they ghosted David and started rolling with Sheba, son of Bichri. But yo, the Judah crew stayed true to their king, from Jordan all the way to Jerusalem.
3. Meanwhile, David’s back in his crib in Jerusalem, chilling. He’s got his ten side chicks he left behind to hold it down. But he ain’t getting cozy with them anymore. Nah, he’s got them locked down, taking care of them, but keeping his distance. So they’re just there, living out their days as widows, locked away until the end.
4. The king’s like, “Yo, Amasa, gather up the Judah crew, three days max, and make sure you’re back here too.”
5. Amasa’s on it, heading out to round up the Judah crew. But he’s taking way longer than the king expected.
6. “Abishai, listen up,” the king says, “Sheba, Bichri’s kid, he’s gonna stir up more trouble than Absalom ever did. Get your squad, grab the king’s posse, and let’s hunt him down. We can’t let him hole up in some fortified city and slip through our fingers.”
7. So Joab’s crew, rolling deep with the Cherethites, Pelethites, and all the elite warriors, hit the road from Jerusalem to track down Sheba, Bichri’s boy!
8. When they hit the epic stone at Gibeon, Amasa’s leading the charge. Joab’s rocking his gear, a dope belt keeping his sword snug at his side. But as he struts, guess what? His sword straight-up slips out!
9. So, Joab was like, “Yo Amasa, what’s up, bro?” And then he grabbed Amasa’s beard with his right hand, acting like he was gonna give him a bro hug.
10. But Amasa didn’t even notice Joab had a sword in his other hand. Joab straight up stabbed him in the side, spilling his guts everywhere. One hit was all it took to kill him. Then Joab and his bro Abishai kept chasing after Sheba, son of Bichri.
11. One of Joab’s crew was like, “If you’re on Joab’s team or Team David, you better get with Joab right now, okay?”
12. Amasa was lying there, bleeding out on the road. Everyone who saw it just stopped and stared. So, one dude moved Amasa off the road into a field and covered him with a cloth so people wouldn’t keep stopping.
13. Once Amasa was off the road, everyone followed Joab to go after Sheba, son of Bichri.
14. Joab went through all the tribes of Israel, including Abel, Bethmaachah, and the Berites, and they all joined him.
15. They got to Abel of Bethmaachah and built a barricade around the city to attack it. Joab and his crew were going hard, trying to knock down the walls.
16. Then this super smart woman from the city was like, “Hey, listen up! Can someone get Joab over here? I need to talk to him.”
17. When Joab came over, she asked, “Are you Joab?” He said, “Yeah, that’s me.” She said, “Listen to what I have to say.” Joab was like, “I’m all ears.”
18. She said, “Back in the day, people used to say, ‘Just ask for advice in Abel,’ and that would settle things. It was like the go-to place for wisdom.
19. I’m one of the peaceful and loyal ones in Israel. Why are you trying to wreck our city and destroy what God gave us?”
20. Joab was like, “No way, I’d never do that, no way.”
21. Joab said, “There’s this dude named Sheba from Mount Ephraim who rebelled against King David. Hand him over, and we’ll bounce. Deal?” The woman was like, “Okay, we’ll throw his head over the wall to you.”
22. The woman went to everyone with her plan, and they cut off Sheba’s head and tossed it to Joab. Joab blew his trumpet, and everyone dispersed and went home. Joab headed back to Jerusalem to see the king.
23. Joab was in charge of all the troops in Israel, and Benaiah, Jehoiada’s son, was the boss of the Cherethites and Pelethites.
24. Adoram was in charge of collecting taxes, and Jehoshaphat, Ahilud’s son, kept records and remembered important stuff.
25. Sheva was the top scribe, writing everything down. Zadok and Abiathar were the priests, doing their holy thing.
26. And Ira, a total boss from the Jairite fam, had major authority alongside David.

2 Samuel 21

1. Alright, check it: Back in the day when David was ruling, there was this mad famine vibe going strong for three whole years, like, seriously, every single year was a drought fest. And David was all like, ‘Yo, God, what’s the deal with this famine?’ And let me tell you, God had the lowdown. Turns out, it was all because of Saul’s harsh moves against the Gibeonites. So David was like, ‘God, what should I do about this?’ And let me tell you, he got some real divine wisdom.
2. So David reaches out to the Gibeonites, dropping some knowledge like, ‘Listen up! The Gibeonites aren’t actually part of our crew, they’re like the leftovers from another crew, the Amorites. But hey, the Israelites made a deal with them, so we gotta honor that. Oh, and by the way, Saul, in his loyalty to Israel, straight up tried to wipe them out.’
3. Then David’s like, ‘Alright Gibeonites, how can I make things right? What do I gotta do to make it up to you and keep the blessings flowing from God?’
4. And the Gibeonites were like, ‘We’re not after Saul’s cash or his squad. No need to take lives from Israel for us.’ And David was like, ‘You name it, I got your back.’
5. And they told the king, ‘This dude Saul totally wrecked us, aimed to wipe us out all across Israel!’
6. Yo, peep this: Give us seven of his sons and we’ll straight up hang them up for the LORD in Gibeah of Saul, ’cause that’s the spot the LORD chose, ya feel? And the king was like, ‘Yeah, I’ll hand ’em over. They’re the LORD’s chosen ones.’
7. But then the king was like, ‘Nah, Mephibosheth, you good. You gotta chill, bro. I made a promise to the LORD to look out for you, ’cause you’re Jonathan’s son and all. It’s all about that bond between David and Jonathan, for real.’
8. So, check it, the king took the two sons of Rizpah, who was Saul’s daughter, named Armoni and Mephibosheth. He also took the five sons of Michal, Saul’s other daughter, who was raised by Adriel, Barzillai the Meholathite’s son. (BTW, Michal’s sister also raised these sons for Adriel.)
9. And he handed them over to the Gibeonites, who straight up hung them on the hill in front of the LORD. All seven of them fell together and were killed during harvest time, at the beginning of the barley harvest.
10. So Rizpah, Aiah’s daughter, grabbed some sackcloth and laid it out on the rock. She stayed there from the start of harvest until rain fell from the sky, making sure no birds chilled on them during the day and no animals crashed there at night.
11. So, David got the lowdown on what Rizpah, daughter of Aiah, and Saul’s side thing, had been up to.
12. David wasn’t about to let Saul and Jonathan’s bones hang out in the streets like that. He swooped in and retrieved them from the crew in Jabeshgilead, who had snatched them from the Philistine block party in Bethshan where they left Saul hanging after taking him down in Gilboa.
13. He rounded up not only Saul and Jonathan’s bones but also those of others who got hung up there.
14. They laid Saul and Jonathan to rest proper in Benjamin, at Zelah, in Kish’s family tomb, just like David ordered. And that’s when the blessings started flowing.
15. The Philistines were back at it again, beefing with Israel, and David was like, “Not on my watch.” So, he and his squad went head to head with them. But David was feeling the burn, you know?
16. This dude Ishbibenob, he was no joke. He came strapped with a massive spear, like heavy-duty, and a fresh sword, thinking he could take down David. But nah, David wasn’t having it. He’s not an easy mark.
17. Abishai, Zeruiah’s kid, had David’s back though. He took down Ishbibenob. After that, David’s crew was like, “You’re good, David, no more fighting for you. We got your back, keeping Israel’s light shining.” (FYI, “light” in Hebrew means candle or lamp.)
18. Then there was another scrap with the Philistines at Gob, and Sibbechai, from Hushath, straight up ended Saph, one of those giant dudes, the son of the giant. (Or maybe they called him Rapha, who knows?)
19. There was another epic showdown at Gob, with Elhanan, son of Jaareoregim from Bethlehem, taking out Goliath the Gittite, the brother of the OG Goliath, the famous giant. Goliath’s weapon was massive, like a truck axle. Oh, and FYI, Jaareoregim goes by Jair too.
20. Then there was this insane brawl in Gath, featuring a dude with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot, a total of twenty-four digits, born into a giant family.
21. When he started talking smack about Israel, Jonathan, David’s bro, stepped up and took him down. (Just to clarify: “disrespected” means dissed, and “bro” is like, homie.)
22. These four giants hailed from Gath and got served by David and his squad, no doubt.

2 Samuel 22

1. Yo, David was straight-up chatting with God, dropping some lit lyrics when the Lord swooped in and saved him from all his haters, even Saul.
2. He’s like, “God’s my ride-or-die, my safe space, and my ultimate rescue squad.”
3. The real MVP, my solid rock. He’s got my back, saving me from all the drama and keeping me safe from the bad vibes. He’s the GOAT.
4. I’m hitting up the LORD, ’cause He’s totally deserving of all the hype, and that’s how I’m getting saved from all the negativity.
5. When I was drowning in a sea of problems, feeling major stress ’cause of some shady people, it was like, majorly intense, you feel me?
6. I was straight-up drowning in the worst kind of pain and suffering; it felt like death’s grip had me in a chokehold.
7. When I was freaking out, I hit up the LORD, pouring out my heart. And guess what? He totally tuned in, like he was right there, listening to my every word.
8. It was wild, the ground shook like crazy, and even the heavens were shooketh, ’cause God was, like, beyond furious.
9. Smoke billowed from his nostrils, and fire shot from his mouth, burning everything in sight. The coals were blazing hot.
10. He flexed the skies, and darkness fell like, ‘Whoa, chill’ under his feet.
11. And he rode on a cherub, zooming through the air like lightning! Everyone saw him flying at top speed!
12. And he laid down these epic dark pavilions all around, filled with deep waters and dense clouds. It was like this crazy, mysterious setup, you know? So rad and mind-blowing!
13. Fiery coals blazed before him, shining bright like the sun.
14. OMG, the LORD rolled in with some insane thunder from above, dropping some serious wisdom.
15. And he unleashed his arrows, scattering them everywhere; lightning struck, wreaking havoc.
16. The ocean went berserk, and the earth’s depths were exposed when the Lord got all fired up, like a massive gust of wind blasting from his nose.
17. He slid into my DMs, grabbed my attention, and rescued me from drowning in a sea of problems;
18. He totally saved me from my arch-nemesis, this super powerful hater. I mean, they were too tough for me to handle solo.
19. They totally killed my vibe when I was dealing with some major struggles, but the LORD had my back through it all.
20. He, like, totally brought me to this amazing place: he saved me, ’cause he thought I was pretty awesome.
21. God totally hooked me up, giving me props for staying righteous and keeping it real.
22. I’ve been vibing with the LORD, never dipping into the dark side and staying true to my faith.
23. I was all about his righteous rules, never ghosting on his awesome laws.
24. I was, like, living right in front of him, keeping it low-key and staying out of trouble.
25. So, like, God totally hooked me up for being righteous, you feel? He saw me keeping it real and blessed me big time. #blessed #God’sGotMyBack
26. When someone spreads kindness, you gotta pass it on. And when someone’s honest and straight-up, you gotta do the same for them.
27. Being real attracts real peeps, but if you’re all about that bad attitude, you’ll just push ’em away.
28. And, yo, you got the back of those going through a rough patch, but you’re also peeping those acting all high and mighty, ready to bring ’em down a notch.
29. You’re my ultimate light, LORD, shining bright in all my darkest moments.
30. Because of you, I’ve totally crushed it! With my crew, we’ve smashed through obstacles like pros. Like, my God’s just that awesome! No challenge is too big for us. #Unstoppable
31. God’s got it all sorted; His words are totally legit. He’s like a shield for those who trust in Him, passing every test with flying colors. No doubt about it.
32. Like, seriously, who even comes close to the LORD? I mean, who else is as solid as our God?
33. God is, like, totally my source of strength and power. He’s the one who smooths out my path, making it flawless. (By the way, ‘maketh’ means ‘riddeth’ or ‘looseth’ in Hebrew, just so you know.)
34. He makes my feet as swift as a deer’s and sets me on high places.
35. He’s like my personal trainer in battle, teaching me to dominate. I’m so strong, I could snap a steel bow with my bare hands!
36. Yo, your salvation shield? Epic! And your chill vibes? They’ve seriously boosted my XP. (boosted my XP: Heb. multiplied me)
37. Bro, you’ve expanded my turf big time and kept me on solid ground. Ain’t no chance of me trippin’ and fallin’, no cap.
38. I straight up went after my haters and wiped ’em out—didn’t stop till I had ’em down for the count.
39. And I didn’t just beat ’em, I crushed ’em, left ’em KO’d. Yeah, they’re totally under my kicks now.
40. You’ve armed me to face my foes head-on. Those who dared to front? They’ve bowed to my awesomeness.
41. You straight-up delivered my enemies into my hands, so I could totally crush those haters.
42. They were desperate for backup, but nobody came through. They tried hitting up the Big Guy upstairs, but got radio silence.
43. I straight-up demolished ’em, smashed ’em so hard they turned to dust. Stepped on ’em like they were just sidewalk grime, scattered ’em everywhere.
44. Bro, you saved me from all that drama with my crew. Made me the big cheese over nations I didn’t even see coming. That’s some next-level stuff, man!
45. Just wait ’til word gets out, even strangers gonna give me props. They’ll be like, “Yeah, I’m vibin’ with that!” (Random people: It’s like folks who don’t really know me) (submit…: or act like they’re all in, when really, they’re not)
46. Some folks? Total ghosts. Straight up vanishin’, comfy in their safe spaces.
47. Yo, shoutout to the man upstairs, He’s the real deal! Big ups to my solid rock, He’s got my back. And let’s show love to God, the ultimate Savior. #blessed
48. God’s my ride or die, straight up takin’ out anyone who messes with me.
49. You’re the reason I’m not stuck with my haters, You lifted me up higher than all those trying to drag me down. You rescued me from the negativity.
50. So I’m gonna give major props to You, Big Guy, right in front of everyone. I’m gonna sing Your name like it’s the only tune.
51. He’s the ultimate savior for His kings, showing huge love to His chosen one, David, and his fam forever. No lie.

2 Samuel 23

1. Yo, these are David’s last words. David, son of Jesse, was the real deal, like seriously chosen by the God of Jacob. His lyrics were straight fire. Here’s what he said:
2. “The Spirit of the LORD spoke through me, and His words were straight-up facts on my tongue.
3. The God of Israel said, ‘Listen up! The Rock of Israel told me that anyone who’s leading people needs to be fair and treat everyone with respect for God. Like, ruling with justice and reverence for God. And check this out, ‘Be thou ruler, etc’.
4. That leader will be like a lit morning, when the sun rises, a clear morning without clouds; like fresh grass growing after a refreshing rain.
5. My crib might not always be blessed by divine vibes, but God’s still keeping it 100 with me. He’s hooked me up with an everlasting contract that’s totally solid, no cap. That’s my ultimate salvation and my main focus, even if things don’t always go as planned.
6. But those worthless people are like annoying thorns, too wild to handle or control.
7. Anyone who comes near them better be armed with iron and a spear, ‘cause they’re gonna get roasted by fire right where they stand!
8. These are the names of David’s top crew: The Tachmonite, who was a total boss and held a high rank among the captains; his real name was Adino the Eznite, and get this, he took out 800 guys with his spear all at once. And yeah, Tachmonite or Joshebbassebet, whichever name you prefer, was the leader of the three OGs. Those guys he defeated? He straight up annihilated them. Just saying.
9. Then there was Eleazar, son of Dodo from Ahohite crew, one of the top three warriors with David. They faced off against a bunch of Philistines ready for battle, while the rest of the Israelite soldiers bailed out:
10. He stood his ground and wrecked the Philistines until his hand was tired and stuck to his sword. God brought a massive win that day. After that, people only stayed to grab the loot.
11. Next up was Shammah, son of Agee the Hararite. The Philistines showed up in full force, taking over a field full of lentils. And everyone started running as soon as they saw the Philistines. They weren’t ready for that smoke!
12. But Shammah held his ground in the middle of the field, defended it, and took down all the Philistines. The LORD made it happen, like, major victory vibes all around.
13. So, three of the top thirty crew joined David during harvest in this dope cave called Adullam. Meanwhile, the Philistines set up camp in the valley of Rephaim. No biggie.”
14. So David was posted up in his fortress, while the Philistines were holding it down in Bethlehem at that time.
15. David was like, “Bro, I’m really craving a sip from that well in Bethlehem, you know, the one by the gate!”
16. So, like, these three absolute legends went full beast mode and straight up breached the Philistines’ defenses. They even managed to snag some water from the Bethlehem well, right by the entrance, and brought it to David. But David, being the humble dude he is, didn’t drink it. Instead, he offered it as an offering to the LORD.
17. “Dude, there’s no way I’m doing this, Lord! This drink is like the blood of those dudes who risked their lives for it! I’m not touching it. These three epic dudes did all this stuff.”
18. Abishai, Joab’s bro, Zeruiah’s son, was the boss of the top three warriors. He straight up took his spear and wrecked three hundred dudes, earning major respect as one of the three. Killed ’em all. And everyone was like, “Whoa.”
19. “Yo, wasn’t he, like, the most legit out of the three? So, he was their boss and all, but didn’t quite make it to the top three.”
20. And this dude named Benaiah, who came from the legendary town of Kabzeel, was a real badass. He had done some insane stuff, like taking down two Moabite dudes who were as fierce as lions. Oh, and get this, he even went down into a freaking pit during a snowstorm and killed a lion. Talk about epic!
21. So this guy totally took out this Egyptian dude who looked pretty impressive. The Egyptian had this fancy spear in his hand, but the guy just rolls up with a staff, snatches the spear from the Egyptian, and straight up finishes him off with his own weapon. Like, he totally owned him! Oh, and by the way, that Egyptian dude, he was a total towering giant or something, if you’re into the specifics.
22. Benaiah, Jehoiada’s son, totally slayed it and became a real legend among the top three warriors.
23. He was well respected, but he didn’t make it to the top three. David appointed him as leader of his crew.
24. “Yo, Asahel, Joab’s bro, was part of the squad of thirty; Elhanan, Dodo’s son from Bethlehem,
25. Shammah and Elika from Harod,
26. Helez, the Paltite, and Ira, the son of Ikkesh from Tekoa,
27. Abiezer from Anethoth, Mebunnai from Hushath
28. Zalmon, the ultimate Ahohite, and Maharai, the legendary Netophathite,
29. Heleb, the son of Baanah, a cool Netophathite, Ittai, the son of Ribai from Gibeah of the Benjamin squad,
30. “Yo, Benaiah from Pirathon, Hiddai of the sick Gaash vibes, you feel me?
31. Abialbon, the cool Arbathite, and Azmaveth, the Barhumite squad member,
32. Eliahba from the fam of Shaalbon, repping the Jashen squad, Jonathan be his homie,
33. Shammah da Hararite, Ahiam, Sharar da Hararite’s kid,
34. Eliphelet, who was the son of Ahasbai, who was the son of the Maachathite. Also, Eliam, son of Ahithophel, who hailed from Gilon.
35. Hezrai from Carmel, Paarai from the Arbites,
36. Igal, Nathan’s kid from Zobah, and Bani, the cool Gadite,
37. Zelek, the Ammonite 🛡️, Naharai from Beeroth, the rad sidekick of Joab, Zeruiah’s son,
38. Ira, the cool Ithrite, and Gareb, another awesome Ithrite,
39. Uriah, the Hittite, had a total of thirty-seven.”

2 Samuel 24

1. So, like, God was seriously cheesed with Israel again, and he put it in David’s head like, ‘Hey, go count all the peeps in Israel and Judah.’
2. So the king was chilling with Joab, his main army dude, and was like, ‘Yo, Joab, head out and scope all the tribes from Dan to Beersheba, tally up everyone. I wanna know the total headcount, you feel me?’
3. And Joab was like, “Yo, king, may the LORD your God increase the people like, a hundred times over, no matter how many there are, so you can peep it. But, like, what’s got you so hyped on this?”
4. But the king was dead set on it, so Joab and the squad bounced. They dipped from the king’s presence and got to work counting the peeps in Israel.
5. So they crossed the Jordan River and set up camp in Aroer, on the chill side of the city that’s smack in the middle of the Gad River, towards Jazer.
6. Then they rolled through Gilead and Tahtimhodshi. They hit up Danjaan and almost hit Zidon, which is like, the new hotspot.
7. Next stop was the fortress of Tyre, hitting up all the cities where the Hivites and Canaanites were posted. They headed south to Beersheba in Judah.
8. So, after fully exploring the whole land, they finally rolled back into Jerusalem after, like, nine months and twenty days.
9. Joab came back to the king with the stats: 800k sword-wielding warriors in Israel and 500k in Judah, ready to throw down.
10. And David’s conscience was biting him about counting the people. He’s like, ‘Man, I really messed up. Please, LORD, forgive me; I was being dumb.’
11. So when David woke up, he got this word from the LORD through Gad, his personal seer, and it was like,
12. ‘Yo, David, here’s the deal straight from the LORD: You got three choices, pick one and it’s a done deal.’
13. So Gad hits up David and lays it out, ‘Listen up, dude! You got three options: Option one: you down for a seven-year famine? Option two: you wanna go on the lam for three months while your enemies chase you? Option three: you cool with a three-day plague? Let me know what you’re thinking so I can pass it on.’
14. David was like, “Dudes, I’m totally stuck in a major pickle right now. Let’s just trust in the Lord’s epic awesomeness and goodness, ’cause He’s got some serious love and mercy vibes going on. Please, I’m begging you, don’t let me fall into the hands of any humans. Not cool, man.”
15. So God unleashed this massive plague on Israel, like OMG, from sunrise to sunset. And get this? Seventy thousand peeps bit the dust, from Dan to Beersheba. It was, like, a legit catastrophe.
16. Then when the angel dude was about to wreck Jerusalem, the LORD was like, ‘Hold up, my bad, let’s not go there,’ and told the angel bro causing all the chaos, ‘Stop right there, that’s enough.’ So the angel of the LORD kicked it near Araunah the Jebusite’s pad. (P.S. Araunah’s also known as Ornan, just so you know.)
17. So David’s like, ‘Yo, God, quick chat. I saw this angel straight up punishing the people, and I gotta admit, I messed up big time. Did some seriously messed up stuff. But these innocent sheep, man, they didn’t do squat. Can you, like, put your wrath on me and my fam instead? Just trying to own up here.’
18. Then Gad rolls up to David and goes, ‘Bro, you gotta go set up a sick altar for the LORD on Araunah the Jebusite’s threshing floor. It’s gonna be lit, trust me!’
19. So David, like Gad said, heads up as the LORD commanded.
20. Araunah spots the king and his squad heading his way. He steps out, totally respectful, and bows down to the king, face planted on the ground.
21. Araunah’s like, ‘Yo, what’s up, king? Why you here?’ And David’s like, ‘I’m here to snag your threshing floor and build an altar for the LORD to stop the plague from messing with the people.’
22. Araunah’s like, ‘Yo David, do your thing, king! I got some dope oxen for sacrifices, and some sick threshing tools you can use for firewood.’
23. Araunah hooks the king up with all that stuff. And he’s like, ‘May the LORD your God bless you.’
24. And the king’s like, ‘No way, I’m totally buying it from you, bro, for a fair price. Not gonna offer some cheap sacrifice to the LORD my God, it’s gotta mean something, ya know?’ So David shells out fifty shekels of silver for the spot and the oxen.
25. Then David’s like, ‘Yo, I’ma build an altar for the Lord right here!’ And he throws down a ton of burnt offerings and peace offerings. And guess what? The Lord totally hears him out and stops the plague from messing with Israel.