2 Kings - Gen Z Bible

2 Kings 1

So, like, Moab totally dissed Israel once Ahab was out of the picture.
Ahaziah was just chilling in his room in Samaria when he took a tumble through a lattice and got sick, major bummer vibes. He was all like, ‘Hey, messengers, go hit up Baalzebub, the god of Ekron, and see if I’m gonna bounce back from this sickness.’
But then this totally rad angel dude was like, ‘Hey, Elijah the Tishbite, get up and meet the crew sent by the king of Samaria. Tell them straight up, like, don’t they know there’s a legit God in Israel? Why are they even bothering with Baalzebub, the god of Ekron?’
So, like, God was dropping some truth bombs, saying, ‘Listen up! If you get off that bed, you’re gonna bite the dust. Later, Elijah!’
And when the messengers came back to Ahaziah, he was like, ‘What’s the dealio? Why’d you bounce and come back?’
So, they spilled the tea: ‘Some dude came at us and was like, ‘Yo, head back to the king who sent you and hit him with this message. The LORD’s like, ‘Why you hitting up Baalzebub, the god of Ekron, when you know there’s the big G-O-D in Israel?’ So basically, the LORD’s saying you won’t be getting off that bed you lounged on. You’re gonna kick the bucket, man.’
And he’s like, dudes, who was that guy who came up to you and dropped all that wisdom? What did he look like and stuff? Like, what’s his deal?
And they were like, yo, he had some serious flow, and was rocking this sick leather belt. And they were all, ‘Bro, that’s Elijah the Tishbite!’
So the king sends a squad of 50 with their leader. They roll up to the man of God who’s just chilling up on a hill. The leader calls out, ‘Hey, holy dude! The king wants you down here.’
‘Yo, so Elijah straight up tells the captain of fifty, ‘If I’m really a man of God, then bring on that fire from heaven and let it wreck you and your whole squad.’ And guess what? That fire actually came down from heaven and totally toasted them.
Then he sends another group, about fifty of them with their captain. The captain respectfully approaches the man of God and is all, ‘Hey, the king’s calling, like, right now.’
And Elijah’s like, yo, if I’m really a man of God, then let fire rain down from heaven and wipe out you and your whole crew. And boom! God’s fire comes down and totally fries them.
Then he sends another captain with his group of fifty. The captain comes to Elijah, drops down on his knees, and earnestly pleads, saying, ‘Oh, man of God, I humbly ask that you value not only my life but also the lives of these fifty of your servants.’
Yo, for real, fire just rains down from the sky and totally fries those two leaders and their crews. So, like, can you please consider my life valuable now?
And the angel of the LORD was like, “Hey Elijah, roll with him, no cap, don’t trip, fam.” So Elijah was like, “Aight, say less,” and dipped with him to the king.
And he was like, “Listen up, y’all! The LORD got something to say. So you sent your crew to hit up Baalzebub, that supposed big shot god of Ekron, thinking there ain’t no cap God in Israel who can drop knowledge? Well, lemme drop some truth bombs, fam. Since you pulled that move, you’re stuck to that bed you hopped onto, and you’re out, no doubt.”
And just like the LORD said through Elijah, homeboy passed away. Then Jehoram slid into the throne in the second year of Jehoram, son of Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, ’cause he had no heirs.
Yo, all the other stuff Ahaziah pulled, ain’t it all written down in that book about the Kings of Israel?

2 Kings 2

So, like, picture this: when God was about to scoop up Elijah into this wild whirlwind, Elijah and Elisha were just cruising from Gilgal.
Elijah goes, “Hey, Elisha, hang tight for a sec, ’cause the big man upstairs wants me in Bethel.” And Elisha’s all, “Swear by the Lord and swear by your own life, I’m not leaving your side.” So off they go to Bethel.
Then these wannabe prophets at Bethel stroll up to Elisha like, ‘Hey dude, you know the LORD’s gonna snatch your mentor today?’ And Elisha’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m hip to that, so just shush and keep it on the down-low, okay?’
Elijah’s like, ‘Elisha, cool your jets here for a sec, ’cause the LORD’s sending me to Jericho.’ And Elisha’s like, ‘You gotta swear, man! I’m ride or die with you!’ So they hit up Jericho together.
Then the prophets’ crew in Jericho come to Elisha like, ‘Yo, you know the LORD’s taking your boss today, right?’ And Elisha’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m totally clued in, so just zip it and keep it cool, okay?’
And Elijah was like, ‘Hey, bro, hang here for a sec, ’cause the LORD’s got me heading to the Jordan river.’ And his homie was like, ‘OMG, I swear by the LORD and your life, I ain’t leaving your side!’ So they stuck together, no doubt.
Fifty dudes from the sons of the prophets peeped the scene from afar, while these two chilled by the Jordan river.
Then Elijah grabbed his cloak, wrapped it tight, and bam! He smacked the water, splitting it in two, making way for them on dry ground.
So, when they crossed over, Elijah was like, ‘Ask me anything before I bounce.’ And Elisha was like, ‘Bro, hook me up with a double dose of your vibe.’
Elijah was like, ‘Bro, that’s a big ask. But if you see me dip out, then cool, it’s yours. But if not, sorry, it ain’t happening. Just keeping it real, you asked for something major.’
As they were vibing and chatting, suddenly, this epic scene went down: a lit chariot with fire vibes and fiery horses rolled up, splitting the two; Elijah straight up ascended to heaven, riding on a whirlwind. It was insane!
Then Elisha was like, ‘OMG, dad, dad, you were the ultimate ride of Israel with your sick chariot and horsemen. And just like that, you were gone.’ Elisha couldn’t handle it, so he pulled a serious fashion move, tearing his clothes in two.
Then he grabbed Elijah’s cool jacket that fell off him, and went back to the riverside, you know, by the Jordan River. Just FYI, ‘bank’ in Hebrew is ‘lip’.
So he grabbed Elijah’s jacket that fell off him, and smacked the water, saying, ‘Where’s the LORD God of Elijah?’ And when he did, the water split, making way for Elisha.
When the dudes hanging in Jericho caught sight of Elisha, they were like, ‘Yo, Elijah’s spirit is totally on him!’ So they showed him mad respect and bowed down.
Yo, listen up! So, like, we got around fifty tough dudes here, right? How ’bout we send ’em vibes to find your master, just in case the Spirit of the LORD whisked him away somewhere. But Elisha was like, nah, don’t even bother sending ’em.
And when they kept bugging him, he was like, ‘Fine, whatever.’ So they sent fifty dudes to look for three whole days, but they couldn’t find him anywhere.
So, when they came back to him (because he was chilling in Jericho), he was like, ‘Didn’t I already tell y’all not to go?’
So the guys in the city were like, ‘Yo Elisha, this city looks cool, right? But our water’s messed up, and nothing grows here. It sucks, man.’
Then he was like, ‘Yo, get me a fresh container and put salt in it.’ And they did.
So he went to the water source, threw in some salt, and was like, ‘Yo, listen up! The big man upstairs said I’ve healed this water, so no more death or boring dryness here.’
And just like Elisha said, the water got healed and stayed that way till today.
So, he dipped from there and headed to Bethel. As he was strolling, a bunch of kids came out and started dissing him, saying, ‘Hey, Baldie, go away! Hey, Baldie, scram!’
Then he turned and saw them, and got super mad, calling down some serious vibes in the name of the LORD. And out of nowhere, two angry she-bears came charging out and wrecked forty-two of those kids.
Then he rolled to Mount Carmel, and after that, back to Samaria.

2 Kings 3

So, like, Jehoram, Ahab’s kid, took over in Israel, Samaria vibes, while Jehoshaphat was holding it down in Judah for eighteen years, and Jehoram ruled for twelve.
He was on God’s bad side, you know? But not as much as his parents, fam. He ditched that statue thing his dad had going, called Baal. (FYI, Baal was like a big deal back then, some statue gig.)
But he kept up with Jeroboam’s shady moves, dragging Israel into sin city – no breaks.
Yo, Mesha, the Moab king, had serious sheep game. He hooked the king of Israel up with 100,000 lambs and rams, plus all that wool. Mad respect!
But once Ahab was out, Moab’s king flipped on Israel. Can you even?
So King Jehoram bounced from Samaria and took a headcount of all Israel.
He hit up Jehoshaphat, the Judah king, like, ‘Bro, Moab’s giving me beef. Wanna tag-team and take ’em down?’ And Jehoshaphat’s all, ‘Totally! We’re like ride or die, my crew’s your crew, my horses your horses.’
So Jehoram’s like, ‘Which way we rolling?’ And Jehoshaphat’s like, ‘Dude, Edom desert’s the move.’
So the kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom joined forces and took a detour that turned into a week-long hike. But yo, plot twist, they ran dry on water for everyone – troops and critters. Major crisis.
OMG, the Israel king was crushed! He couldn’t believe the big man upstairs brought them together just to let Moab wreck ’em. Total buzzkill!
Jehoshaphat was like, “Hey, is there a prophet of the LORD in the house? We gotta know what’s up with the Big Guy.” Then one of Israel’s crew was like, “Oh yeah, we got Elisha, son of Shaphat. He used to hang with Elijah, did all kinds of stuff for him.”
Jehoshaphat was like, “This dude’s got that divine download, for real.” So the kings of Israel, Jehoshaphat, and the king of Edom rolled up to him.
Elisha was like, “Why you even talking to me, man? Go ask your parents’ prophets.” But the king of Israel was like, “Nah, bro, the LORD brought us three kings here for a reason, Moab’s giving us trouble.”
Let me be straight with you. I swear by the Big Guy, the LORD of hosts, the one I’m all about. If it wasn’t for Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah, I wouldn’t even give you the time of day.
Yo, get me a lit musician right now. When this cat starts jamming, the LORD’s gonna vibe with him, you dig?
And God was like, “Listen up, fam, I got a message. Fill this valley with ditches, okay?”
So check it, God says you won’t even see rain or wind, but this valley’s gonna be swimming, enough for you, your crew, and all your animals.
And this ain’t no biggie for God, okay? He’s gonna make sure you wipe out the Moabites too.
You gotta wreck every fortress, every cool spot, cut down every awesome tree, block every water source, and mess up every good piece of land. (mess up: it’s like making it sad, ya know?)
Next morning, while they were making their offerings, wild stuff went down: water started flowing from Edom, flooding the land!
When the Moabites heard the kings were coming for ’em, they suited up and lined up at the border.
So early in the morning, the sun was blazing, and the Moabites saw the water on the other side turn red, like blood.
They were like, “Bro, it’s blood! The kings went at it and wiped each other out. Let’s grab their loot!”
When Israel hit the camp, they smashed the Moabites, who ran off scared. But they kept going, wrecking Moab’s turf. Total beatdown!
They trashed the cities, threw rocks everywhere, blocked wells, chopped trees, except in Kirharaseth, where they left the stones. Then the slingers went at it.
When the king of Moab realized he was getting owned, he gathered 700 swordsmen, hoping to break through to Edom’s king. Epic fail, dude.
So he sacrificed his oldest son on the wall. Israel was not cool with that and bailed, heading back home.

2 Kings 4

So this homie, whose man was tight with one of the prophets, hit up Elisha like, ‘Yo, my man, your dude, he’s gone. And you know he was all about the Big Guy upstairs. But now, this creditor’s at my door, trying to snatch my two sons as slaves.’
Elisha was like, ‘Yo, what’s the deal? Lay it out, what you got in the house?’ And she’s like, ‘Sorry, but I’m broke af. All I got is this little jar of oil.’
And he’s like, ‘Bet, go hit up your neighbors, see if they got any empty containers. Don’t hold back, ask for as many as you can score, for real.’
Once you’re back inside, shut the door with your squad, then flex by pouring into all those lit containers and stash the ones that are filled to the brim.
So she dips and seals the door with her and her sons who brought her the stuff, and she’s pouring it out.
When all the containers are filled, she tells her son, ‘Yo, fetch another one.’ And he’s like, ‘Nah, we’re tapped out.’ And that’s when the oil stops flowing.
So she bounced over to the prophet dude and spilled the tea. And he was like, “Listen up, take that oil, flip it, and pay off your debts. Then you and your fam can live stress-free with some extra cash to spare. #DebtFreeVibes”
So, one day, Elisha rolled into Shunem and met this incredible lady. She was all about hosting him for a meal. And from then on, whenever he swung by, he’d stop in for a snack. Can you even? This lady had such a vibe that Elisha couldn’t resist her hospitality!
And she was like, “Hey, hubby, peep this, I’m getting major holy vibes from this dude passing by. He’s like the real deal holy man of God, you know?”
“Hey, how about we hook this holy dude up with a chill spot? Like a mini pad on the wall? We can deck it out with a bed, table, stool, and some dope candle vibes. So when he pops by, he’s got a spot to crash.”
So, one day, he rolls up, hits the pad, and kicks back there.
“Yo, tell Gehazi, your wingman, to slide into those DMs of the Shunammite lady.” And when he finally got her on the line, she came through.
And he was like, “Hey, girl, you’ve been looking out for us big time. What can we do to show our appreciation? Need a hookup with the king or boss?” And she was like, “Nah, I’m good, just chilling with my crew.”
So, like, he’s all, “What’s the deal? How can we help her out?” And Gehazi’s like, “Dude, she’s childless, and her man is seriously old.”
Then he’s like, “Hey, hit her up.” So when he does, she rolls over and stands at the door.
And he’s all, “Listen, around this time next year, you’re gonna be cuddling up with a son.” And she’s like, “Hold up, you better not be messing around with me, Mr. Man of God.”
And just as Elisha said, the woman gets pregnant and pops out a son, right on schedule.
Fast forward a bit, when the kid’s grown a bit, he heads out to his dad who’s out in the fields with the crew.
And he’s like, “Dad, my head is killing me.” So his dad’s like, “Tell one of the boys to take you to your mom.”
So the kid gets taken to his mom, and he chills on her lap until noon, then kicks the bucket.
She takes him up to the man of God’s room, lays him on the bed, shuts the door, and bounces.
Then she hits up her man, asking for a ride and one of the homies to come through, so she can jet over to the man of God and come back.
And he was all, “Why you headed to him today? It ain’t no new moon or Sabbath or anything.” And she’s all chill like, “It’s cool, don’t sweat it.”
So she got her ride ready and told her servant to jet, no holding back, unless she says so.
So she rolled up and found the man of God at Mount Carmel. When the man of God spotted her from a distance, he nudged his homie Gehazi, saying, “Check it, there goes that Shunammite woman.”
“Bro, go quick, meet her, and ask how she’s holding up. Everything good with you? Your man cool? The kid all right?” And she’s like, “Yeah, we’re solid.”
So, she approaches the man of God on the hill, grabs his feet, but Gehazi tries to push her off. The man of God’s like, “Nah, leave her be. She’s got some deep-seated issues, and the big man upstairs hasn’t clued me in yet.”
And she’s like, “Hold up, did I ask you for a kid? I told you straight, no games!”
“Yo, Gehazi, grab my staff, we’re out. Don’t stop for chitchat, and if someone says hi, keep it moving. Just lay my staff on the kid’s face.”
The kid’s mom’s like, “OMG, I swear to the heavens, I’m not leaving your side.” And bam, the kid’s back up, tagging along with her.
Gehazi, like, went ahead of them and gently placed the staff on the child’s face, but it was like, nada. So he went back to meet Elisha and was like, ‘My bad, but the child didn’t wake up, fam.’
So, when Elisha entered the house, guess what? The child was straight-up dead, just lying there on the bed.
So, he went inside and closed the door behind him, leaving just the two of them. Then, he started praying to the LORD.
And he climbed up onto the bed, and leaned over the kid, and pressed his lips against its lips, and his eyes against its eyes, and his hands against its hands: and he stretched himself out over the kid; and the body of the kid felt warm.
Then he went back inside and started pacing back and forth, and went up to the child and stretched himself out on him. And the kid sneezed seven times, and finally opened his eyes.
And he was like, ‘Gehazi, slide into those DMs of the Shunammite girl.’ So Gehazi hit her up and when she came to him, he was like, ‘Take your kid with you.’
So she walked in, and went straight to him, and like totally prostrated herself on the floor, and like picked up her son, and then bounced.
So Elisha went back to Gilgal, and there was a major shortage of food in the land. The guys who were training to become prophets were chilling with him, and he told his assistant, ‘Get the big pot and cook some soup for the guys.’
And someone went to the field to collect herbs, and they stumbled upon a super random vine with a bunch of these wild squash things. They grabbed a ton and then chopped them up and tossed them into the pot of soup because they had no clue what they were.
So they served the food for the guys to eat. And while they were munching on the soup, they freaked out and were like, ‘Yo, man of God, there’s some deadly stuff in the pot!’ And they couldn’t eat it for real.
But he was like, ‘Yo, bring me some meal.’ So he threw it in the pot and was like, ‘Serve it up to the homies so they can eat.’ And guess what? The pot was all good, no bad vibes or anything.
So there was this dude from Baalshalisha who brought the man of God some fresh vibes – twenty loaves of barley bread and fully loaded corn on the cob. And he was like, ‘Yo, feed the people with this!’
And his servant was like, um, are you serious? Are you expecting me to serve this to a hundred people? But he was like, yup, give it to them anyways. Cuz God said, they’re gonna eat and still have leftovers, so we good.
Then he put it in front of them, and they chowed down and had leftovers, just like the LORD said.

2 Kings 5

Yo, check it, Naaman, this big shot captain rolling with the king of Syria’s crew, was straight up earning respect ’cause the Lord had his back, helping Syria win battles and all. Dude was brave, no doubt, but here’s the kicker, he was dealing with leprosy. Not a great look, you feel me?
So, like, the Syrians roll out, snatch up this girl from Israel, and she ends up serving Naaman’s wife, you know how it goes.
And she’s like, ‘Imagine if my boss could link up with that prophet in Samaria! He could totally heal him, no joke!’
So this girl spills the tea to her boss, like, ‘Listen up, that girl from Israel dropped some truth bombs.’
So, the King of Syria’s like, ‘Listen, I’m sending a message to the King of Israel.’ He dips, packing ten talents of silver, six thousand gold pieces, and ten fresh outfits. Oh, and just so you know, ‘with…in his hand’ means he took it all with him.
So, this message lands in the king of Israel’s inbox, like ‘Yo, when you peep this letter, know I’m sending Naaman, my dude, your way. Homeboy needs help with his leprosy, you feel me?’
So, the king of Israel reads this letter, and he’s shook! Rips his clothes and goes, ‘Am I some sorta deity? Can I dish out life and death? Dude wants me to cure his leprosy or whatever. Can you believe this guy’s tryna start something with me? Seriously, think about it, people! So not cool.’
So, when Elisha, this legit dude tight with God, catches wind that the king of Israel’s stressing, he slides into the DMs, like, ‘Why you tearing your threads, man? Slide through, and you’ll see we got a true prophet in Israel.’
So Naaman pulls up with his fancy rides, parking at Elisha’s pad, flexing hard.
So Elisha shoots him a message, like, ‘Yo, hit up the Jordan River, take a dip seven times, and you’ll be straight, skin fresh, and clean, fam.’
Naaman was seriously ticked and bounced, like, “Bro, I was expecting some epic show! The prophet would come out, shout to his God, pull off some mystical hand gesture, and boom! No more leprosy, just like that.”
Can you believe it? He’s all like, “Are Abana and Pharpar, those rivers in Damascus, supposed to be better than all the waters in Israel? Can’t I just rinse off there and be clean?” And then, in a total rage, he stormed off. Abana or whatever.
His squad rolls up to him like, “Dad, if the prophet told you to do something major, you’d be all over it. So why not just listen when he’s like, ‘Yo, cleanse yourself and be fresh’?”
So he dips in the Jordan River, just as the man of God said. And guess what? His skin’s as smooth as a newborn baby’s. He’s totally clean!
Then he rolls back to the man of God with his whole crew, stands before him, and says, “Got it now. The real deal God is in Israel. So, please, take this gift from your humble servant.”
The dude’s like, “Swear on the Lord’s name, the one I stand before, I ain’t taking anything.” He keeps insisting, but Naaman’s like, “Nah, I’m cool.”
Naaman’s like, “Yo, can I grab some dirt? I’m done with sacrificing to other gods. From now on, it’s all about worshipping the LORD.”
“God, forgive me for this one. When my boss goes to worship Rimmon and leans on me, and I gotta bow down with him in Rimmon’s crib, hope you’ll pardon that.”
And God’s like, “Chill, bro.” So he peaces out, just a few steps away.
But Gehazi, Elisha’s sidekick, straight up says, “Yo, listen up. My master let Naaman off easy, that Syrian dude, by not taking his stuff. But swear on the Lord’s name, I’m gonna chase him down and snag something.”
Gehazi was like, “I gotta catch up with Naaman.” When Naaman peeped Gehazi sprinting his way, he bounced off his whip to say, “Hey, what’s good? Everything chill?”
Gehazi spilled, “All good, man. The big boss hit me up, saying, ‘Yo, peep this, two young prophets just rolled in from Mount Ephraim. Can you sort them out with some stacks and fresh gear?’”
Naaman was like, “Cool, bro, take these two bags.” He kept insisting, so he filled two bags with silver, tossed in two sets of threads, and handed them off to his crew. They lugged it all in front of him.
When they reached home base, Gehazi snagged the loot and stashed it. Then he cut his guys loose, and they dipped.
Gehazi rolled back and faced his boss. Elisha was like, “Where you been at, Gehazi?” He played it off, saying, “Nowhere, boss. Just chillin’.”
Elisha dropped some truth, “Bro, didn’t my spirit roll with you when Naaman stopped to say what’s up? Is this really the time to be cashing in on money, clothes, gardens, farms, livestock, and servants to tidy up your stuff?”
So Naaman’s leprosy stuck to Gehazi and his fam for good. When Naaman split, he was all covered in leprosy, white as snow.

2 Kings 6

So, like, the prophet squad was all, ‘Hey Elisha, the vibe in our crash pad with you is way too cramped, bro.’
Let’s jet to Jordan and snag some timber to flex on our own crib. Dude was like, ‘For sure, go for it.’
Then someone’s all, ‘Chill with us, man.’ And he’s like, ‘Bet, I’m down.’
So he rolls with them, no lie. And when they hit up Jordan, they start chopping wood, you feel?
While this one dude was hacking away, the axe head just straight-up drops into the water. And he’s freaking, like, ‘Bro, that axe was borrowed!’
The God rep’s like, ‘Where’d it go down?’ So the guy points it out. Then the rep tosses in a stick, and, crazy as it sounds, the metal floats up.
So he’s like, ‘Grab that thing.’ And homie reaches out and snatches it.
Later, the Syria king starts beefing with Israel, and he’s like, ‘Let’s post up in this specific spot.’
The God dude hits up the Israel king, ‘Yo, don’t even roll near there, ’cause the Syrians are lurking.’
So the Israel king slides into the DMs of that spot the God dude mentioned, giving him the heads-up. And he keeps away from trouble, not just once, but a bunch.
The king of Syria was totally losing it, right? He gathers his crew and is all like, “Hey, fam, who’s snitching to the king of Israel?”
Then this one homie pipes up, “Nah, man, not me. But yo, Elisha, that prophet dude from Israel? He’s spilling all your tea to the king.”
So the king’s like, “Aight, find out where he’s at so I can bring him in.” And someone’s like, “Bro, he’s chilling in Dothan.”
So they roll up with a whole army – horses, chariots, the works. They come in stealth mode, surrounding the city big time.
Next morning, Elisha’s dude steps out, sees the massive army, and panics, “Oh snap, boss! What’s the move now?”
But Elisha’s like, “Chill, man, we got backup for days.”
Elisha prays, “Yo, God, let this dude see what’s up.” Boom! Dude’s eyes open and he sees fire chariots and horses all around them. It’s lit!
Elisha’s like, “God, make these dudes blind.” And they’re blind, just like that.
Then Elisha’s like, “Nah, wrong way, fam. Follow me.” So he leads them to Samaria, no stress.
They hit up Samaria, and Elisha’s like, “God, show these guys what’s good.” And just like that, they can see everything in Samaria.
So, like, the king of Israel hits up Elisha, like, “Hey, dude, should I just go ham and attack them? Should I throw down or what?”
And Elisha was like, “Chill, bro, don’t go all aggressive on them: why mess up the ones you already caught? Just hook them up with some food and water, let them chow down and bounce back to their leader.”
So he made sure there was mad food and drinks for them. After they were stuffed, he sent them back. After that, the Syrian bands never came back to Israel.
So, later, Benhadad, the king of Syria, gathers his crew and rolls up to Samaria, ready to lock it down.
Yo, there was this massive famine in Samaria, like, seriously bad vibes. They had the city under siege and it got so desperate that they were selling an ass’s head for, like, 80 pieces of silver, and like, a tiny bit of dove’s dung for five pieces of silver. Talk about crazy times, man.
So, the king of Israel was just walking along the wall when suddenly this woman starts yelling for help, you know? She’s all like, “Yo! My lord, O king, help me!”
And he’s like, “If God doesn’t help you, where do you expect me to help you from? From the farming tools or from the grape crushing machine? God forbid I save you myself.”
The king’s like, “Yo, what’s the deal?” And she’s like, “This other chick straight up told me to give my son so we can feast on him today, and then tomorrow we eat my son. Like, what?!”
So, we were super desperate, and we ended up cooking and eating my own son. Then, I was all like, “Yo, give me your son so we can eat him too.” But she straight up hid her son and didn’t give him to us.
So, when the king heard what the woman said, he totally freaked out and ripped his clothes. Then he went along the wall, and everyone was staring at him, and guess what? He was wearing sackcloth under his clothes, like, against his skin.
And he’s like, “I swear, if Elisha the son of Shaphat isn’t toast by the end of today, may God unleash some major consequences on me.”
But Elisha was just chilling at home, vibing with the elders. Then, the king sent a dude to see him, but before the messenger arrived, Elisha said to the elders, “Yo, check it, this dude’s offspring is trying to snatch my head. When the messenger comes, lock the door and keep him outside. Can’t you hear his master’s footsteps approaching?”
While they were talking, suddenly a messenger shows up and says, “Yo, this messed-up situation is from the LORD. Should I even bother waiting for the LORD any longer?”

2 Kings 7

So Elisha was all, “Hey fam! The word of the LORD is this: Tomorrow at this exact time, you’re gonna score some top-quality flour for just a shekel, and two servings of barley for the same price, right there at the entrance of Samaria.”
Then this dude, who was basically the king’s right-hand man, had the guts to be like, ‘Yo, even if God opened up windows in heaven, could this really happen?’ And Elisha straight up told him, ‘Listen up, you’ll see it go down but you won’t get to enjoy it.’
Yo, there were these four dudes with leprosy posted up at the gate. They were like, ‘Why are we just chillin’ here waiting to bite the dust?’
Like, if we’re like, ‘Let’s hit up the city,’ then there’s, like, a legit famine going on and we’ll totally meet our end there. And if we just stay put, we’re still done for. So, like, let’s go and give ourselves up to the Syrian army, and if they spare us, we can live, you know? And if they, like, off us, well, we’ll just be done, no biggie.
And they straight up dipped in the evening, heading towards the Syrian camp: and when they got there, guess what? Not a soul in sight.
Yo, the Lord totally spooked the Syrians by making them hear a bunch of chariots and horses, like a massive army or something. And they were all like, ‘OMG, the king of Israel totally got the Hittites and Egyptians to jump us!’
So they straight up panicked and bolted in the evening, ditching everything at the camp – tents, horses, donkeys, you name it. They booked it for their lives, no lie.
And when these lepers reached the camp, they hit up one tent and feasted, enjoying some bomb food and drinks. They also snagged some silver, gold, and fancy clothes and stashed it. Then they hit up another tent and grabbed even more valuable stuff and hid it.
Then they were like, ‘Bro, we messed up big time. Today’s been so lit with all this good news, but we’re just sitting here in silence like total noobs. If we wait till morning, something bad’s gonna go down, for real. So let’s spill the tea to the king’s crew, ASAP. Otherwise, we might catch some serious heat, you know?’
So, they rolled up to the city security dude and were like, ‘Yo, listen up! We hit up the Syrians’ camp and guess what? Nobody there! Seriously, nada. Just horses and donkeys tied up, and the tents were untouched.’
And he called the porters, and they told it to the king’s house within.
So, like, the king woke up in the middle of the night and was all like, ‘Yo, guys, listen up! I’m gonna spill the tea on what those Syrians did to us. They totally know we’re starving and stuff, so they sneakily left our camp and hid in the fields. They’re probably thinking, ‘When those peeps leave the city, we can totally capture them and take over the city.’
And one of his servants was like, yo, let’s take five of the horses that are still chillin’ in the city. They’re pretty much all that’s left of the Israelites, like, all of ’em that didn’t get wiped out, you know? We should send ’em out and see what’s up. (in the city: like, in there)
So they grabbed two sick rides, and the king slid into DMs of the Syrian squad, like ‘Yo, go scope them out.’
So they followed them all the way to Jordan, and, guess what, the whole path was covered in clothes and stuff that the Syrians had ditched in a hurry. And then the messengers came back and spilled the tea to the king.
And the peeps went out and raided the tents of the Syrians. So, like, a bag of fancy flour costed a shekel, and you could get two bags of barley for the same price. All in accordance with what the LORD said, you know?
So the king gave the guy he trusted the most the important job of guarding the gate. But the crowd accidentally trampled all over him at the gate, and he died, just like the man of God predicted when the king went to see him.
So, like, the king was chillin’ with the man of God, right? And the man of God was all, ‘Yo, tomorrow at this time, you’ll be able to score two measures of barley for a shekel, and a measure of fine flour for a shekel, at the gate of Samaria.’
So the boss guy was like, ‘Dude, seriously? Can you believe if the big man upstairs actually made windows in the sky? Like, impossible!’ And the man of God was like, ‘Just you wait, you’ll see it happen right before your very eyes, but you won’t get to enjoy it.’
And that’s what happened to him: because everyone stepped all over him at the gate, and he died.

2 Kings 8

So, Elisha was talking to the woman whose son he brought back to life, and he was like, ‘Hey, get up and take your fam somewhere else, find a spot to crash. The big man upstairs called for a famine, and it’s gonna hit the land for seven years.’
Then the woman got up and did what the man of God said. She took her squad and lived in Philistine territory for seven years.
After seven years, the lady came back from Philistine territory and decided to hit up the king to plead for her house and land.
So the king was chatting with Gehazi, who’s, like, the servant of this super holy dude, and he’s all like, ‘Spill the tea, bro! Let me know all the epic stuff that Elisha has pulled off.’
So, while he was sharing with the king how he brought back a dead person to life, this woman, whose son he revived, straight up starts crying to the king, asking for her crib and her property. And then Gehazi, he’s all like, ‘Yo king, this chick and her kid right here, they’re the ones Elisha brought back to life.’
So, when the king asked the woman, she spilled the tea. And then the king was like, ‘Alright, I got you.’ And he assigned this specific person, like, this officer or whatever, to make sure she gets everything back that was hers, including all the crops that were grown since the day she left, up until now. You know, no one’s messing with her stuff anymore.
So Elisha rolls up to Damascus, right? And guess what? Benhadad, the king of Syria, is feeling under the weather. Word gets out that the man of God has made his grand entrance in town, ya feel me?
So the king was like, yo Hazael, grab a gift and go meet the man of God. Ask him to speak to the LORD, like, will I get better from this sickness or what?
So Hazael went to hang out with him and brought a sick gift from Damascus, like all the cool stuff, on the backs of forty camels. He pulled up and stood in front of him, and was like, ‘Yo, your son Benhadad, the king of Syria, sent me. He’s wondering if he’ll recover from this sickness?’
Elisha was like, ‘Yo, go tell him he’ll totally bounce back, but the big man upstairs told me that he’s gonna kick the bucket for real.
And he stared without flinching, until he felt embarrassed: and the holy person started crying.
And Hazael was like, “Dude, why the tears, man?” And he was like, “Bro, it’s heavy. I can see all the messed up stuff you’re gonna do to the Israelites. You’ll straight up wreck their forts, slay their young guys, and savage their pregnant women and kids. It’s intense.”
Hazael was shook, “Am I some low-key dog to pull this off?” But Elisha dropped the truth bomb, “Yo, the LORD told me you’re gonna be the big cheese in Syria.”
So he bounced and spilled to his boss, who was like, “What did Elisha say?” And he covered up, “Oh, just that you’ll totally bounce back.”
The next day, he played it cool, soaked a cloth, and laid it on his face. He checked out for good, and Hazael slid into the throne.
Fast forward to Joram’s fifth year ruling Israel, Jehoshaphat, Judah’s king, handed the crown to his son, Jehoram, who took over.
He was 32 when he took the throne, ruling Jerusalem for 8 years.
He copied the playbook of Israel’s kings, like the Ahab fam: married Ahab’s daughter and did stuff that didn’t vibe with the LORD.
But the LORD stayed true to David’s fam, keeping hope alive for his line.
Meanwhile, Edom did their own thing, dissing Judah, crowning their own king and all.
So Joram rolled up to Zair with his squad. Sneak attack! They hit Edom, taking out their leaders and captains, leaving them shook and running.
But Edom dipped and split from Judah, still doing their own thing. And Libnah? They rebelled too.
All the deets on Joram are in the kings of Judah’s archives, BTW.
Joram passed, joining his ancestors, laid to rest in David’s city. Then his son Ahaziah took over.
So, in Joram’s twelfth year, Ahaziah stepped up as Judah’s king.
Ahaziah was 22, ruling Jerusalem for a year. His mom, Athaliah, was Omri’s daughter, Israel’s king.
He followed Ahab’s lead, doing stuff that didn’t sit well with the LORD, since he was tied to Ahab’s fam. Yikes!
He teamed up with Joram, Ahab’s son, against Syria’s king, Hazael, at Ramothgilead. And oof, Syrians wrecked Joram bad.
Joram went to Jezreel to heal, and Ahaziah, Jehoram’s son, went to visit him, seeing he was hurt.

2 Kings 9

Elisha, the prophet, hit up one of the young prophets, like, ‘Get yourself together, snag that oil stash, and head over to Ramothgilead.’
When you slide in there, locate this dude named Jehu, son of Jehoshaphat and Nimshi. Tell him to bounce from chillin’ with his crew and bring him to a VIP spot.
Then grab that oil, dump it all over his head and be like, ‘Yo, God’s vibin’ with you as the king of Israel’. Then dip out, no looking back.
So, this young prophet, he cruised over to Ramothgilead.
And when he got there, the big shots were posted up, so he’s like, ‘Got a word for you, Captain.’ Jehu’s like, ‘Who, me?’ ‘Yeah, you, Captain.’
So he’s like, ‘Word,’ and goes inside. Douses him with oil, and lays it down, ‘The LORD’s like, ‘You’re the chosen one to rule over the LORD’s crew, specifically Israel.’
You gotta wreck Ahab’s crib, so I can settle the score with Jezebel for offing my homies, the prophets, and the LORD’s squad.
Ahab’s crew’s going down: wiping out the stand-up pee-ers and whoever’s left in Israel!
Ahab’s fam’s toast, just like Jeroboam and Baasha.
Dogs gonna chow down on Jezebel in Jezreel, no proper burial for her. Then, dude bolts.
Jehu’s rollin’ up to his lord’s crew, right? And one asks, ‘What’s the deal? Why’d this wild dude visit?’ Jehu’s like, ‘You know him and his spiel.’
They’re like, ‘Nah, spill!’ Jehu’s like, ‘Straight up, the LORD’s talkin’ through him. Crowned me king of Israel.’
Quick move, they lay their gear under him, blow trumpets, ‘Jehu’s in charge!’
So there’s this dude named Jehu, right? He’s the son of Jehoshaphat and the grandson of Nimshi. And Jehu’s got some beef with Joram. Now, Joram’s the dude running Ramothgilead with all of Israel, ’cause they’re sweating over Hazael, the king of Syria.
So, Joram’s banged up from his tussle with Hazael and he’s chilling in Jezreel for some R&R. That’s when Jehu lays out his plan: “Nobody leaves this city to spill the tea in Jezreel. I mean it, no one’s ghosting.”
Jehu hops in his fly chariot and rolls up to Jezreel where Joram’s kicking back. Oh, and BTW, Ahaziah, the king of Judah, swings by to visit Joram.
There’s this lookout posted up in Jezreel, peeping Jehu and his crew pulling in. He’s like, “Yo, there’s a squad approaching.” So Joram’s like, “Send a messenger on a horse to check them out and ask if it’s all good.”
The messenger rides out and asks Jehu if everything’s kosher. Jehu’s like, “Peace? Nah, that’s not my vibe. But you can roll with us if you’re game.” The lookout sees the messenger hit Jehu but not bounce back.
Another horseback messenger rolls out and asks Jehu if everything’s chill. Jehu’s like, “Why you asking about peace? I’m not about that. Just come along.”
The lookout’s like, “Yeah, the messenger reached them, but he’s not coming back. And Jehu’s driving skills? They’re next level, just like his dad Nimshi. He’s tearing up the road.”
Joram’s like, “It’s go time!” His chariot’s ready to rock. So Joram and Ahaziah jump in their chariots and they roll out to face Jehu. They find him posted up in Naboth the Jezreelite’s turf.
When Joram sees Jehu, he’s like, “Hey man, what’s up?” Jehu’s not having it: “Bro, things are far from cool, especially with your mom Jezebel pulling all sorts of shady stuff. She’s into some dark magic, not cool at all.”
Joram jets out of there, telling Ahaziah, “Bro, something’s going down, and it ain’t good.”
Jehu pulls out his bow and lets it rip, hitting Joram right in the heart. Joram slumps in his chariot, done.
Jehu tells Bidkar, his right-hand man, “Yo, grab Joram and toss him into Naboth the Jezreelite’s field. Remember when Ahab, his dad, got called out by the man upstairs? This is karma catching up.”
Yo, peep this, fam, I saw with my own eyes yesterday how Naboth and his sons got done dirty, says the LORD. And I ain’t gonna let that slide. So, I’m telling you, toss him into that very same plot of land, just like the LORD said. Don’t mess with me, I know what’s up.
But yo, when Ahaziah, the king of Judah, checked the scene, he ghosted through the garden house. And Jehu chased after him like, ‘Yo, hit him up in the chariot too.’ And they did exactly that when they hit Gur by Ibleam. Ahaziah bolted to Megiddo and met his end there.
And his squad rolled him in a lit whip to Jerusalem, and laid him to rest in his fam’s crib in the city of David.
And when Joram’s kid, Ahaziah, hit his eleventh year on the throne, he started being the ruler of Judah.
So, like, Jehu showed up in Jezreel, and Jezebel totally heard about it and decided to do her makeup, style her hair, and flex at a window. She went all out with her eye makeup, you know?
So, like, when Jehu walked through the gate, she was like, ‘Yo, did Zimri have peace after offing his master?’
And he looked up at the window and asked, ‘Who’s got my back? Who?’ And then two or three of his squad checked it out and looked out for him.
And he was like, ‘Yo, yeet her down.’ So they straight up yeeted her down: and like, some of her blood got all splashed on the wall and the horses too, and he straight up trampled on her.
And when he got inside, he grubbed and drank, and he was like, ‘Yo, go check out this woman who’s got some bad vibes, and give her a proper send-off, ’cause she’s, like, royalty.’
So, like, they went to bury her, right? But all they found was, like, the skull, the feet, and, you know, the palms of her hands. Pretty wild, tbh.
So they bounced back and told him what went down. And he was like, bro, this is straight-up words from the LORD that he spoke through his servant Elijah the Tishbite. He straight-up said that in Jezreel, Jezebel’s body is gonna get chowed down by some hungry dogs. By the way, that ‘by’ is just another way of saying ‘through.’
And Jezebel’s lifeless body will be like waste on the ground in the land of Jezreel; nobody will even say, ‘That’s Jezebel!’

2 Kings 10

Alright, so Ahab had like this whole crew of 70 sons chilling in Samaria. Then Jehu, being the ultimate influencer, decided to hit up the rulers of Jezreel and the OG elders who raised those Ahab’s peeps. He sent them some fire messages, making his intentions known.
Yo, once you get this message, just know that your boss’s sons are with you, and y’all got chariots, horses, a lit city, and armor. Just sayin’.
Find the most talented and worthy of your master’s sons, and set them up on their father’s throne, ready to defend your master’s house.
But they were shook, like, omg, and were like, okay, two kings couldn’t handle him, so how we gonna step up?
And the boss man, the city manager, the OG elders, and the child raisers all hit up Jehu, saying, ‘We got your back, dude. We’ll do whatever you ask. We ain’t crowning anyone else as king. Just do your thing, bro.’
So he hit ’em back and was like, If you’re ride or die for me and down to listen, round up the heads of your master’s sons, and meet me in Jezreel by tomorrow. There were about seventy of the king’s sons, kicking it with some VIPs in the city who raised them.
Yo, when they got that message, they straight up went and took the king’s sons and smoked seventy of ’em. Then, they put their heads in baskets and sent ’em to Jezreel.
Yo, this messenger rolls up like, ‘Yo, they brought the heads of the king’s sons.’ And he’s like, ‘Just like, stack ’em up at the entrance till morning, you feel?’
So next morning, he steps out, stands tall, and says to everyone, ‘Listen up, fam! Check it, I totally executed my master’s plan. But here’s the deal, who’s behind all this?’
Just so you know, every single thing the LORD said about the house of Ahab is going down. God totally kept His word through His homie Elijah. No cap!
So Jehu straight up wiped out everyone from the Ahab crew in Jezreel, including all the big shots, their squad, and their holy peeps, leaving none alive.
Then he bounced, heading towards Samaria. Along the way, he stops by a spot where shearing was going down, you know, where the shepherds were doing their thing with their sheep.
Jehu runs into the homies of Ahaziah, the king of Judah, and asks, ‘Yo, who y’all be?’ And they’re like, ‘We’re Ahaziah’s crew, just showing some love to the royal kids, you know, the king’s and queen’s children.’
So, he was like, ‘Round ’em up, don’t let ’em slip away.’ And they totally nabbed them, took out all forty-two dudes near the shearing house pit. Seriously, not a single one got away.
And as he bounced from there, he bumped into Jehonadab, Rechab’s kid, heading his way. He gave him dap and asked if they vibin’, if their hearts synced. Jehonadab was like, ‘Totally!’ So, to seal the deal, they fist bumped, and he invited Jehonadab to ride with him in the chariot.
And he was like, ‘Yo, come kick it with me and see my devotion to the LORD.’ So, they let him ride in his whip.
When he hit up Samaria, he took out what was left of Ahab’s crew, just like the LORD told Elijah.
So, Jehu gathered everyone and was like, ‘Listen up, fam, Ahab was kinda into Baal, but guess what? I’m gonna show him major love!’
So, call up all the Baal prophets, servants, and priests, every last one. Nobody gets left out, okay? ‘Cause I’m about to make a huge sacrifice to Baal, and anyone who ghosts won’t make it. But Jehu was slick about it, you know, ’cause he wanted to wipe out all those Baal worshippers.
Jehu was like, ‘Let’s throw a lit Baal bash.’ And they were like, ‘Word, let’s do it.’
So, Jehu hit up all of Israel, and every Baal worshipper showed. Literally, every single one. They packed into Baal’s crib, wall to wall. Like, no breathing room! It was so packed, they were practically breathing on each other. Wild, right?
Then he told the closet organizer, ‘Hook up fresh fits for all the Baal fans.’ And he did, brought out the fits as instructed.
So, Jehu and Jehonadab, Rechab’s kid, rolled up to Baal’s spot and told the Baal stans it’s an exclusive party, only true Baal believers allowed, no LORD servants.
When they went to do their sacrifices, Jehu had eighty guys posted up outside, saying, ‘If any of these dudes I brought here escape, whoever frees them is dead.’
After the offerings, Jehu told the guards, ‘Go in and clean house – nobody leaves alive!’ So, they rolled in with swords, and the guards tossed them out before hitting the city where Baal’s house was.
So, they snatched Baal’s statues and chucked them in the fire.
They wrecked Baal’s statue, trashed the whole temple, turned it into a public bathroom that’s still there today.
Jehu straight up wiped out Baal from Israel.
But Jehu kept up Jeroboam’s sins, those golden calves in Bethel and Dan, he was all about them.
God was like, ‘Yo Jehu, you nailed it, doing what’s right in my eyes, taking out Ahab’s fam just like I wanted. So, your descendants for four generations will rule Israel.’
But Jehu wasn’t all in with following the LORD’s law. He kept on with Jeroboam’s sins, leading Israel off track.
Back then, the LORD started shrinking Israel’s turf. Hazael went hard, taking them on all sides, slicing off their borders.
Yo, from the Jordan River eastward, all the land of Gilead belonged to Gad, Reuben, and Manasseh. Stretching from Aroer by the Arnon River, all the way to Gilead and Bashan. Aroer’s on the sunrise side, you know?
So, like, there’s more Jehu moves and power plays, you know? It’s all in the kings of Israel’s chronicles, fam. You peeped it?
Jehu kicked the bucket, laid to rest in Samaria. Then his son Jehoahaz took the throne.
Jehu held it down in Samaria for a solid 28 years. It was a good run, no doubt.

2 Kings 11

So, like, when Athaliah, Ahaziah’s mom, found out her son was out of the game, she flipped and wiped out the whole royal fam. #RIP
Jehosheba, who was Joram’s daughter and Ahaziah’s sis, swooped in, grabbed Joash, Ahaziah’s son, and saved him while Athaliah was on her rampage. She hid him and his nurse in a secret spot away from Athaliah, so he wouldn’t get taken out. (Jehosheba was sometimes called Jehoshabeath, and Joash was also known as Jehoash.)
So, he laid low-key for a solid six years, chilling at the LORD’s place. Meanwhile, Athaliah was running the show.
In year seven, Jehoiada hit up the VIPs and the squad, and brought them to the LORD’s spot. He struck a deal with them, and they swore inside the LORD’s place. Then he introduced them to the king’s kid.
He was like, “Listen up, fam, here’s the deal: one-third of you chill on the Sabbath and guard the king’s spot, got it?”
“Another third holds down the Sur gate, and the rest guard the back gate. That’s how we keep the place secure, no break-ins allowed.”
“And the other two squads rotate on Sabbath duty, making sure the king’s spot at the LORD’s house is on lock.”
“Surround the king, everyone armed, and if anyone gets too close, they’re out. Stick with the king wherever he goes.”
The squad leaders followed Jehoiada’s orders: They rallied their teams, whether on duty or off, and met up with him.
Jehoiada hooked them up with David’s gear—spears and shields from the LORD’s crib—for the hundred leaders.
The squad suited up, weapons in hand, surrounding the king from one corner of the temple to the other, covering the whole area near the altar and the temple. (corner: meaning shoulder in Hebrew)
They brought out the king’s son, crowned him, handed over the official papers, anointed him, and shouted, “Long live the king!”
When Athaliah heard the noise from the guards and the crowd, she rolled up to the LORD’s place.
She spotted the king by a pillar, doing his thing, with VIPs and trumpeters by his side. Everyone was hyped, blowing their horns. Athaliah lost it, tore her threads, and screamed, “Traitor! Traitor!”
Jehoiada told the leaders and soldiers, “Get her out, no mercy. If anyone sticks up for her, sword ’em. No killing in the LORD’s spot.”
They grabbed her, led her out the way horses enter the king’s house, and that’s where she got taken out.
Jehoiada made this pact between God, the king, and the people. It was all about bringing them together, uniting the king and the people, you dig?
Then everyone trashed Baal’s crib—destroyed all his stuff, and even took out Mattan, Baal’s priest, right there. After that, they put some peeps in charge at the LORD’s house.
They gathered the big shots, leaders, guards, and everyone in the land. They brought the king from the LORD’s place through the guard gate to the palace, where he sat on the royal throne.
Everyone was hyped, the city was chill, and they took down Athaliah near the king’s spot.
Jehoash was only seven when he started ruling the kingdom.

2 Kings 12

So, like, in the seventh year of Jehu, Jehoash slid into the king role and held it down for a solid forty years in Jerusalem. His mom, Zibiah from Beersheba, was a total queen.
Jehoash was totally vibing with the Lord’s game plan as long as Jehoiada the priest was giving him the deets.
But, like, they didn’t really cancel those worship spots, ya know? People were still making sacrifices and burning incense at those high places.
So Jehoash was like, ‘Yo, priests, all the cash people drop at the Lord’s house, whether it’s a set amount or just whatever they feel like giving, it’s all holy. It’s all about what’s in their hearts.’
The priests were gonna assemble their squad and take care of business: fixing up any spots in the crib that needed some TLC.
But, like, in the twenty-third year of King Jehoash, the priests straight up ghosted on fixing the crib. It’s wild, right? They just left it busted. (By the way, the twenty-third year is low-key like the third year too, just FYI.)
So King Jehoash was like, ‘Sup, Jehoiada and crew, what’s the deal? Why y’all slacking on the crib repairs?’ Basically dropped, ‘If you ain’t gonna fix it, don’t expect no more donations from your squad. Use that cash to patch things up instead.’
The priests were cool with not cashing in anymore, and they were like, ‘Nah, we’ll pass on fixing up the crib.’
So Jehoiada, the priest, got a chest and popped a hole in its lid. Placed it next to the altar, on the right side as you walk into the Lord’s crib. Then the bouncers at the entrance dropped all the dough brought into the Lord’s crib into the chest.
When they saw the chest was stacked, the king’s secretary and the high priest swung by. They bagged up the cash and counted it out, all the money they found in the Lord’s crib. (By the way, ‘scribe’ means ‘secretary’ and ‘bound up’ means ‘put up’ in Hebrew.)
They passed the cash to the crew in charge of fixing up the Lord’s crib. Gave it to the carpenters and builders who were on the job.
For builders, stoneworkers, and getting materials like wood and cut stones to patch up the broken parts of the Lord’s crib, and for all the expenses needed to fix it up.
But the Lord’s crib didn’t have any sick silver bowls, shiny snuffers, dope basins, lit trumpets, or any gold or silver stuff bought with cash and brought in.
But they gave that to the work crew, and used it to patch up the Lord’s crib.
And they didn’t even bother keeping tabs on the dudes they paid for the work. But hey, those dudes were trustworthy and kept it real.
Yo, they didn’t bring that trespass money and sin money up in the house of the LORD, that was for the priests, fam.
So, like, this dude named Hazael, who was king of Syria, totally went up and fought against Gath, and, get this, he actually conquered it! And then Hazael was all like, ‘I’m headed to Jerusalem next!’
So, Jehoash, the king of Judah, gathered up all the sacred stuff that his dads, Jehoshaphat, Jehoram, and Ahaziah, had dedicated. He also got his own sacred stuff, plus all the gold that was stashed away in the house of the LORD and the king’s house. Then, he sent all that loot to Hazael, the king of Syria, and he bounced from Jerusalem. (He literally went up, yo.)
Yo, you wanna know more about Joash and the cool stuff he did? Check out the book of chronicles of the kings of Judah, bro. It’s got all the juicy deets about his life and his dope accomplishments.
So, like, his peeps got together and plotted secretly, and then they killed Joash up in Millo, which connects to Silla.
Jozachar, son of Shimeath, and Jehozabad, son of Shomer, his homies, straight up took him down and he got finished; they laid him to rest alongside his peeps in the city of David. Then his son Amaziah took over the throne.

2 Kings 13

Yo, when Joash, Ahaziah’s kid, was holding it down as king of Judah for 23 years, Jehoahaz, you know, Jehu’s offspring, stepped up as king of Israel in Samaria and reigned for 17 years.
But yo, he straight-up messed up big time in the LORD’s sight, following the shady path of Jeroboam, Nebat’s boy, which got all of Israel tripping; he didn’t even try to bounce back. (followed: Like, walked after)
God was seriously heated with Israel, so He let Hazael, the Syria king, and Benhadad (Hazael’s kid) have the throne for a hot minute.
Jehoahaz hit up the LORD, and the LORD was all ears, ’cause He saw Israel was dealing with some heavy stuff, getting squeezed tight by the Syria king.
Then, God sent a savior for Israel, so they could finally dip out from under Syria’s thumb. And the Israel crew went back to kicking it in their tents, just like the good old days.
But yo, they kept pulling the same shady moves as Jeroboam, leading Israel off course. They just kept on that grind, and that sketchy grove in Samaria? Still standing strong, like a constant reminder.
But Jehoahaz? Man, he barely had any troops left – just like 50 riders, 10 chariots, and a measly 10k foot soldiers. ‘Cause Syria’s king? Yeah, he straight-up decimated them, like tossing wheat into the wind.
So, whatever else Jehoahaz did, all his highs and lows? You can scope it out in the Israel Kings’ history files, you feel?
Then Jehoahaz clocked out, got laid to rest in Samaria. His boy, Joash, slid into the driver’s seat. (Oh yeah, Joash went by Jehoash too.)
When Joash, son of Jehoahaz, took the reins in Samaria, it was like the 37th year of Judah’s king Joash’s reign. He held the fort for a solid sixteen years.
But yo, he totally messed up in God’s sight. Didn’t even pump the brakes on the same old sins Jeroboam pulled, the OG who led Israel down the wrong path. Joash? Just coasting, no second guesses.
And yo, there’s a whole bunch more Joash got into. Like, it’s all archived in this lit book called “Chronicles of the Kings of Israel.” He flexed some muscle, went toe-to-toe with Judah’s king, Amaziah. Peep it if you’re curious!
Then Joash checked out, reunited with the ancestors. Jeroboam took the throne. They laid Joash to rest in Samaria, rolling with the other Israel kings.
So, like, Elisha got really sick and unfortunately, he passed away. Then Joash, the king of Israel, went to see him and started bawling, tears streaming down his face. He was like, ‘Oh man, my father, my father, you were like the ultimate homie for Israel, leading us to victory like a chariot with its strongest stallions.’
Elisha was like, ‘Yo, grab a bow and some arrows.’ So the dude got himself a bow and some arrows.
And he was like, yo, king of Israel, put your hand on the bow. So the king was like, cool, and he placed his hand on it. Then Elisha was like, alright, and he put his hands on top of the king’s hands. It was a real power move, you know?
Then he was like, ‘Yo, open the window towards the east.’ So he opened it. Then Elisha was like, ‘Aim and shoot!’. And he did. And Elisha was like, ‘This arrow represents the LORD’s deliverance, and it’ll bring deliverance from Syria. You’re gonna totally crush the Syrians in Aphek until there’s nothing left.’
Then he was like, ‘Yo, grab those arrows.’ So he grabbed them. And he was all like, ‘Hey, king of Israel, beat those arrows on the ground.’ So the king, like, hit the ground three times and then stopped.
The guy of God got super mad at him and said, ‘Dude, you should’ve hit ’em like five or six times, then you would’ve totally wrecked Syria until it was gone. But now you’re only gonna hit ’em three times, man.’
So, like, Elisha passed away and they gave him a proper burial and everything. But, yo, at the start of the new year, these Moabite gangs straight up invaded the land, can you believe that?
So, there was this one time when some people were burying a dude, right? And then, out of nowhere, they noticed a group of guys nearby. They got a wild idea and decided to toss the dead guy into the tomb where Elisha’s bones were kept. And guess what? As soon as the dead guy touched Elisha’s bones, he came back to life and stood up on his feet, like, totally revived and all, you know?
Yo, this dude Hazael, the king of Syria, straight up gave Israel a hard time throughout the entire reign of Jehoahaz.
And God was like, totally cool with them, showing mad love and respect, all because of the promise he made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He didn’t even think about wiping them out or kicking them out of his squad, like, not even once.
Hazael, the king of Syria, passed away and his son, Benhadad, took over as the new ruler.
So Jehoash, the son of Jehoahaz, snatched back the cities from Benhadad, Hazael’s son, that he had previously taken from Jehoahaz, his father, in a fierce battle. Joash managed to defeat him three times and reclaim the cities of Israel.

2 Kings 14

Yo, after Joash’s boy, Jehoahaz’s son, had been rockin’ the throne in Israel for two years, Amaziah, Joash’s offspring and king of Judah, stepped up to the plate.
He was only 25 when he started calling the shots and held it down for 29 years in Jerusalem. His mama’s name was Jehoaddan, reppin’ from Jerusalem.
And he was like, all about pleasing the LORD, but not exactly on the same level as his pops David. He was just following in Joash’s footsteps, copying everything he did.
But, like, they didn’t even bother to shut down those high spots. Folks were still making sacrifices and burnin’ incense up there, you know?
And once he had the kingdom locked down, he straight up dealt with his servants who offed his own pops, the king.
But he didn’t take out the kids of those murderers, ’cause that’s against what’s laid out in Moses’ law. The LORD said no one should get smoked for someone else’s crimes. Everyone’s gotta own up to their own mess.
He totally wrecked Edom in the salt valley, like, ten thousand deep! Then he rolled up on Selah, renamed it Joktheel, and it’s been called that ever since. Oh, and BTW, Selah means ‘the rock,’ just a heads-up.
So Amaziah slid into Jehoash’s DMs, the son of Jehoahaz, grandson of Jehu, king of Israel, like, ‘Hey dude, let’s link up and chat face-to-face.’
So Jehoash, king of Israel, hit up Amaziah, king of Judah, and was all like, ‘Yo, bro! Check it, that lil’ thistle in Lebanon hit up the big cedar in Lebanon, askin’ if his daughter could marry his son. But then, outta nowhere, this beast in Lebanon came and straight up squashed that puny thistle.’
Yo, you totally wrecked Edom, and you’re vibin’ on that victory, right? But chill at home, okay? Don’t get caught up in drama that could mess you and Judah up. Stay cozy in your own spot!
But Amaziah was like, ‘Nah, not feelin’ it.’ So Jehoash, the king of Israel, was like, ‘Let’s go head-to-head.’ They linked up at Bethshemesh, in Judah.
And Israel straight up dominated Judah; they booked it back to their tents.
So Jehoash of Israel snatched Amaziah of Judah, son of Jehoash and grandson of Ahaziah, right? Went down in Bethshemesh. Then, he rolled into Jerusalem and trashed the wall from the Ephraim gate to the corner gate, like, four hundred cubits of pure wrecking.
So, he bagged all the sick gold and silver, plus the dope treasures from the LORD’s house and the king’s pad. And yeah, he took some hostages back to Samaria.
Yo, peep all the stuff Jehoash did, he was straight up powerful, goin’ against Amaziah, king of Judah. Check it in the book talkin’ ’bout Israel’s kings, ya know?
Jehoash kicked the bucket, laid to rest in Samaria with the other Israelite kings. Then his son Jeroboam took the throne.
And Amaziah, son of Joash, king of Judah, lived fifteen years after Jehoash of Israel passed.
If you wanna know more about Amaziah’s deeds, it’s in this cool book called Chronicles of Judah’s Kings, ya dig?
There was this whole plot against him in Jerusalem, so he bounced to Lachish. But dang, they chased him down and took him out there.
They hauled him on horses, buried him in Jerusalem with his fam in David’s city.
So, all the Judah crew were like, ‘Let’s crown Azariah, just 16, after his pops Amaziah.’ (P.S. Azariah’s also Uzziah, ya know?)
He built Elath and gave it back to Judah after his pops passed.
So, in the fifteenth year of Amaziah, son of Joash, king of Judah, Jeroboam, son of Joash, became king of Israel in Samaria. Ruled for, like, forty-one years.
But he messed up big time before the LORD, didn’t stop the shady stuff Jeroboam, Nebat’s son, did, leadin’ Israel astray.
He made Israel tight again, from Hamath to the chill sea plain, just like the LORD told his homie Jonah, son of Amittai, the real prophet from Gathhepher.
The big man upstairs saw Israel’s struggle, it was intense. No cap, no one was safe, no one left to help Israel.
But God didn’t even think about wiping Israel out. Instead, he saved them through Jeroboam, son of Joash.
So, Jeroboam did more stuff, and it was impressive. He straight up took Damascus and Hamath, originally Judah’s turf but became Israel’s. Check the details in the book ’bout Israel’s kings.
Jeroboam passed, joined his ancestors, the kings of Israel. Then his son Zachariah took over.

2 Kings 15

So, in the 27th year of Jeroboam’s reign over Israel, Azariah, also known as Uzziah, son of Amaziah, took the throne in Judah.
He was only 16 when he became king, and he held it down in Jerusalem for a solid 52 years. His mom, Jecholiah from Jerusalem, had his back.
And he was all about what was legit in God’s sight, just like his OG dad Amaziah.
But, yo, they didn’t shut down those high places where people kept on sacrificing and burning incense like they used to.
So, God hit up the king with leprosy, and he had to chill in a separate house until he died. Then Jotham, his son, stepped up and started making fair calls for the people.
And, like, all the other stuff Azariah did, it’s all written down in that book called ‘Chronicles of the Kings of Judah’ or something, right?
So Azariah bounced and got laid to rest with his ancestors in the city of David. Jotham, his son, took over the reign.
When Azariah had been king of Judah for 38 years, Zachariah, son of Jeroboam, tried to take over Israel in Samaria but only lasted a quick six months.
And, like, Zachariah was just like his dads before him, messing up big time in God’s sight. He didn’t even try to stop the same old sins Jeroboam did.
Then Shallum, Jabesh’s son, straight up plotted against him, took him out in front of everyone, and took his place.
So, if you want the scoop on Zachariah, you gotta peep the book called ‘The Chronicles of the Kings of Israel.’ It’s got all the tea!
This is what God told Jehu: Your fam will rule over Israel for four generations. And you know what? It totally happened.
Shallum, Jabesh’s son, became king when Uzziah of Judah had been ruling for 39 years. He held it down in Samaria for a solid month.
So Menahem, Gadi’s son, dipped from Tirzah to Samaria, took out Shallum, Jabesh’s son, and took over the throne.
So, like, all the other stuff Shallum pulled, with his whole scheming vibe, it’s all there in that book about the kings of Israel, you feel me?
So Menahem straight-up wrecked Tiphsah and everyone there, and the nearby areas from Tirzah too. Why? ‘Cause they dissed him, so he’s like, ‘I’m taking them out!’ He even did some foul stuff to pregnant women. Yeah, brutal.
In the 39th year of Azariah ruling Judah, Menahem, Gadi’s son, took charge of Israel in Samaria and held it down for a solid decade.
And he, like, totally messed up in God’s sight, you know? He never quit with those same old sins Jeroboam got Israel hooked on.
So this king named Pul from Assyria came through. And Menahem, being smart, gave him a ton of cash – like a thousand talents of silver, no big deal – to be tight and help him keep his kingdom. #Bros
Menahem taxed all the rich and powerful peeps in Israel, making them cough up fifty shekels of silver each for the king of Assyria. So, Assyria bounced and left the land.
Yo, are all the other dope things Menahem did not in that sick book of the kings of Israel?
Then Menahem passed, and his son Pekahiah took the throne.
In the 50th year of Azariah’s reign in Judah, Pekahiah, Menahem’s son, started ruling Israel in Samaria, holding it down for two years.
And he did some jacked-up stuff that got God super ticked. He just couldn’t stop sinning, just like Jeroboam, leading Israel down the wrong path.
Yo, so Pekah, Remaliah’s son, one of his top dudes, plotted against him, took him out in Samaria, right in the king’s crib. He rolled with Argob, Arieh, and fifty other Gileadites and straight-up took him out. Then Pekah took the throne, no cap.
So, like, there’s more about Pekahiah and all his moves, you know? It’s all in the book about the kings of Israel, yo.
So, like, in Azariah’s 52nd year as king, this dude Pekah, son of Remaliah, started ruling over Israel in Samaria. He kept it going for twenty whole years, man.
And he totally did stuff that wasn’t cool with the LORD, you know? He was all about those sinful ways of Jeroboam, Nebat’s son, leading Israel astray.
When Pekah was king, Tiglathpileser, the Assyrian king, came through and snatched up Ijon, Abelbethmaachah, Janoah, Kedesh, Hazor, Gilead, Galilee, basically all of Naphtali’s turf, and dragged them off as captives.
So Hoshea, Elah’s son, plotted against Pekah, Remaliah’s son, and took him out, becoming the new ruler when Jotham, Uzziah’s son, turned twenty.
Yo, there’s more to Pekah’s story, but you gotta check out the book of the kings of Israel for all the deets.
In the second year of Pekah, Remaliah’s son, ruling over Israel, Jotham, Uzziah’s son, took the crown as king of Judah.
He became king at 25 and ruled Jerusalem for 16 years. His mom’s name was Jerusha, Zadok’s daughter.
Dude, he totally did what was right in the LORD’s eyes. Like, he followed his dad Uzziah’s lead and did everything just like him.
But, like, even though they knew better, the people kept on doing their thing at those high places, you know? Sacrificing and burning incense, straight-up ignoring the rules. Oh, and he built this super cool gate, way up high, at the house of the LORD. Pretty impressive, fam.
Yo, if you wanna know more about Jotham and his moves, just check out the chronicles of the kings of Judah. It’s all there, fam.
Back then, the LORD stirred up trouble in Judah by sending Rezin, the king of Syria, and Pekah, son of Remaliah.
Jotham bounced and got laid to rest in the city of David, with his ancestors. After that, his son Ahaz took over as ruler.

2 Kings 16

So, like, in the 17th year of Pekah, who was Remaliah’s kid, Ahaz – you know, Jotham’s offspring – took over ruling Judah.
Ahaz was only like 20 when he became king and ruled for 16 years in Jerusalem. But, man, he didn’t vibe with what God wanted him to do, you know? He didn’t follow God’s rules, just like his dad David did.
But he was all about following the kings of Israel and even got into some messed up rituals, like the gross stuff the other nations were into, and God was like, ‘Nah, I’m kicking them out of Israel.’
And he was totally into offering sacrifices and burning incense everywhere, on like high places, hills, and even under every green tree!
So, Rezin, the king of Syria, and Pekah, son of Remaliah, the king of Israel, decided to roll up on Jerusalem, but they couldn’t take down Ahaz, even though they had the city surrounded.
Back in the day, Rezin, the king of Syria, reclaimed Elath and kicked out the Jews. The Syrians moved in and still live there to this day. (Elath means Eloth in Hebrew.)
So Ahaz slid into Tiglathpileser, the king of Assyria’s DMs like, ‘Hey, I’m totally down to be your loyal follower and bro. Can you come through and save me from these haters? The kings of Syria and Israel are all up in my grill.’
So Ahaz straight up took cash from both the Lord’s place and the king’s stash and sent it as a gift to the king of Assyria.
So the king of Assyria listened and went up against Damascus, captured it, took its people captive to Kir, and took out Rezin. (Damascus was also known as Dammesek.)
So King Ahaz rolled into Damascus to meet Tiglathpileser, the king of Assyria, and he peeped an altar there. King Ahaz then sent a message to Urijah the priest, detailing the design and all the deets of the altar.
So this priest named Urijah totally built an altar, just like King Ahaz had told him all the way from Damascus, you know? And Urijah, being the priest he is, set up the altar even before King Ahaz showed up from Damascus.
And when the king came back from Damascus, he peeped the altar. So, he went up to it and made an offering there.
And he lit up his burnt offering and his food offering, and poured out his drink offering, and sprinkled the blood of his peace offerings on the altar. (The peace offerings were his.)
So he moved the bronze altar that was in front of the LORD, from the very front of the temple, between the altar and the house of the LORD, and placed it on the north side of the altar.
Yo, King Ahaz told Urijah the priest to go ahead and burn the morning burnt offering, the evening meat offering, the king’s burnt sacrifice, and his meat offering on the huge altar. Oh, and don’t forget to include the burnt offerings, meat offerings, and drink offerings from all the people in the land. Then, sprinkle all the blood from the burnt offering and sacrifice on that brass altar. By the way, that altar is solely for my needs and inquiries.
So Urijah the priest did everything that King Ahaz told him to do.
Yo, King Ahaz straight up removed the edges of these bases and took away the water basin from them. He also took down the huge sea thing from the bronze oxen underneath it, and placed it on a stone floor.
So, the chill hangout spot they made in the house for the Sabbath, and the cool outdoor entrance for the king, he decided to get rid of because of the king of Assyria.
So, like, all the other stuff that Ahaz did, isn’t it all, like, written down in that book called ‘The Chronicles of the Kings of Judah’ or what?
And Ahaz passed away, joining his ancestors, and was laid to rest in the city of David. Then Hezekiah, his son, took his place as the new ruler.

2 Kings 17

So, like, back when Ahaz was ruling the show in Judah, this dude Hoshea, Elah’s son, took over as the big boss in Israel, chillin’ in Samaria for about nine years, you feel me?
But, like, he wasn’t exactly winning God’s approval, though compared to the other kings of Israel, he wasn’t the worst, you know?
Then along comes Shalmaneser, the Assyrian king, crashing Hoshea’s party. Hoshea ends up being Shalmaneser’s wingman, dishing out gifts like it’s Christmas. (Just FYI, “gave” here means “rendered” and “presents” can also mean “tribute,” in case you’re not up on the lingo.)
But, yo, Shalmaneser caught Hoshea trying to pull a fast one. Turns out, Hoshea slid some DMs to this guy So, the Egyptian king, without dropping the annual gift basket to Shalmaneser, like he used to. So, Shalmaneser was like, ‘Nah, fam!’ and threw Hoshea in the slammer. #toughbreak
Then Shalmaneser’s crew rolls through, laying siege to Samaria for three years straight.
By the time it’s the ninth year of Hoshea’s reign, Shalmaneser’s crew takes down Samaria and flexes on Israel by shipping them off to Assyria. They end up scattered in places like Halah, Habor by the river of Gozan, and some cities in the Medes.
Here’s the deal: Israel totally messed up and got on God’s bad side, even after God hooked them up, bringing them out of Egypt and flipping off Pharaoh, the Egyptian king. But instead of staying loyal, they started chasing after other gods.
They started playing by the same rules as the non-believers God kicked out before them and following the kings of Israel’s own made-up rules.
So, they started pulling some shady moves that were totally not cool with God. They decked out their cities with fancy worship spots, from the lookout towers to the city walls.
They were throwing up statues and groves on every high hill and under every cool tree. #artsy #naturevibes
Lighting incense at all the cool spots, just like the non-believers God had kicked out before them, doing all sorts of messed up things that really ticked off God.
They were all about worshiping idols, even though God specifically said, ‘Nah, don’t do that.’
But God was like, ‘Yo, Israel and Judah, stop messing around and start following my rules like your ancestors did. My prophets have been dropping hints, so you better listen up.’
But they were stubborn, just like their ancestors who didn’t trust in God.
They straight up dissed God’s rules and the agreement he made with their ancestors, ignoring all his warnings. Instead, they chased after worthless things and ended up feeling empty. They ditched their own God and started copying the people around them, even though God had warned them not to.
And they totally trashed God’s rules, making these trendy metal statues, like two calves. Plus, they set up this chill hangout spot in the woods, worshiping all the celestial beings and serving this dude named Baal.
They even got into sacrificing their kids by fire, dabbling in divination and enchantments, basically selling out to do all kinds of bad stuff that made God hella mad.
So, God was seriously fed up with Israel, banishing them from his presence. Only the tribe of Judah was left standing, you dig?
But, like, Judah wasn’t any better, ignoring God’s commandments and just doing their own thing, following the rules the Israelites made for themselves.
Yo, God straight up rejected all of Israel’s descendants, giving them a rough time until he kicked them out of his sight for good.
So, like, Israel was split from David’s crew, and they crowned Jeroboam, Nebat’s kid, as their king. But Jeroboam took them off course from the LORD, leading them into major sin.
The Israelite crew fully backed Jeroboam’s sinful moves, no turning back, just sticking with it.
So, the LORD did what He said through all the prophets and stuff, and sent Israel packing out of His sight. They got deported to Assyria, and it’s been that way since.
Then the Assyrian king brought in folks from Babylon, Cuthah, Ava, Hamath, and Sepharvaim, and settled them in Samaria, kicking out the Israelite crew. They took over Samaria and made it their new hangout.
At first, they dissed the LORD big time. So, He sent lions to mess them up, and some folks got taken out.
They went to the Assyrian king like, ‘Yo, the folks you brought to Samaria don’t know the God of the land. That’s why lions are wrecking them.’
The Assyrian king was like, ‘Find a priest from there and send them over to teach them how to respect the God of the land.’
So, this priest from Samaria ended up in Bethel, teaching peeps about respecting the LORD.
But every nation was into their own gods, setting them up in fancy places they built in every city.
Babylonians were into Succothbenoth, Cuthites dug Nergal, Hamathites vibed with Ashima.
Avites created Nibhaz and Tartak, and the Sepharvites took it to extremes, sacrificing their kids to Adrammelech and Anammelech, their supposed top gods.
They kinda feared the LORD but also followed the trends of the nations they were captive to, choosing random folks as priests at their fancy worship spots.
They were shook by the LORD but still followed other nations’ vibes.
Even now, they’re stuck in their old ways, not caring about God’s rules for Jacob’s crew, aka Israel.
God told them, ‘Don’t fear other gods, don’t bow to them, don’t serve them, and definitely don’t sacrifice to them.’
But worship the LORD, who flexed His power and rescued you from Egypt.
So, follow those rules and don’t start worshipping other gods, got it?
Remember the deal I made with you, and don’t trip over other gods.
Respect the LORD your God, He’ll save you from your enemies.
But they didn’t listen, just kept doing their thing.
So, these nations respected God but also worshipped whack statues, passing down the messed-up worship to their descendants. Talk about stuck in the past, right?

2 Kings 18

So, like, in the year three of Hoshea running the show in Israel, Hezekiah, son of Ahaz, took the throne in Judah. You might’ve heard Hezekiah also being called Ezekias.
Dude was 25 when he started calling the shots, and he held it down in Jerusalem for 29 years. His mom’s name? Abi, daughter of Zachariah. (Abi was also known as Abijah!)
And he was all about what was righteous in God’s eyes, just like his dad David.
He straight up shut down all the lit idol hangouts, smashed those statues, chopped down the nature shrines, and straight-up annihilated that bronze snake Moses made. Can you believe it? Back then, Israelites were lighting incense and worshipping it like some divine object. He even dissed it, calling it Nehushtan, which basically means a worthless piece of metal.
He was all in for the LORD God of Israel, no cap. No other king in Judah even came close, not even the OG kings before him.
‘Cause he stayed loyal to the LORD and never swerved. He made sure to follow all the commands the LORD gave to Moses.
And the LORD had his back; Hezekiah succeeded wherever he went, and he straight-up refused to bow down to the king of Assyria or serve him.
He straight-up dominated the Philistines, all the way to Gaza, and their whole turf, from the watchtower to the fortified city. (Gaza means Azzah in Hebrew, just so you know.)
So, like, in the fourth year of King Hezekiah, which was the seventh year of Hoshea son of Elah, the king of Assyria, Shalmaneser, rolled up and put Samaria under siege.
Three years later, they finally took it – in the sixth year of Hezekiah’s reign, which was also the ninth year of Hoshea’s rule over Israel. That’s when Samaria fell.
So, the king of Assyria straight-up relocated the whole Israelite squad to Assyria, settling them in places like Halah and Habor, near the Gozan river, ya feel? And some Israelites ended up in Median cities, just FYI.
They straight-up ignored the LORD’s voice, ditched His covenant, and brushed off all of Moses’ commands. They just couldn’t be bothered to listen or follow through.
So, like, in the 14th year of King Hezekiah’s reign, this dude named Sennacherib, king of Assyria, decided to roll through all the fortified cities of Judah and actually took them over. (Sennacherib means Sanherib in Hebrew, FYI!)
Hezekiah, king of Judah, hit up the king of Assyria in Lachish, owning up to his mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and promising to take the heat. In response, the king of Assyria demanded a fat sum – three hundred talents of silver and thirty talents of gold.
So Hezekiah scraped together all the cash he could find, even raiding the LORD’s crib and the royal treasury.
He even straight-up jacked the gold from the temple doors and the pillars, and handed it all over to the king of Assyria. Can you believe that?
So, the king of Assyria sent Tartan, Rabsaris, and Rabshakeh from Lachish to King Hezekiah with a massive army, you know? They rolled all the way to Jerusalem, and when they got there, they camped by the conduit of the upper pool, which is on the highway of the fuller’s field. Major deal, right?!
So they called for the king, and Eliakim, Hilkiah’s son who was running the household, along with Shebna the scribe and Joah, Asaph’s son, who was keeping records, came out to meet them.
Rabshakeh was like, ‘Yo, talk to Hezekiah and tell him this: The big boss king of Assyria wants to know why he’s so confident.’
You’re just spewing nonsense saying you got a plan and power for the battle. Who do you think you can trust enough to rebel against me?
Yo, peep this, fam: relying on Egypt is like trusting a weak stick, straight up. Lean on it, and it’s gonna snap and shank you. That’s Pharaoh for you, man. Anyone banking on him is in for a rude awakening. #NotWorthIt #Unreliable
But, like, if you’re saying, ‘Yo, we’re all about trusting in the LORD our God,’ didn’t Hezekiah ditch all those fancy worship spots and altars? And now he’s saying we gotta vibe at this altar in Jerusalem?
A’ight, listen up, I got a proposition for you, a sweet deal. You just gotta give some guarantees to my main dude, the king of Assyria, and in return, I’ll hook you up with two thousand horses. But, yo, you gotta prove you can handle ’em by actually putting riders on ’em. So, what’s the verdict, deal or no deal?
Yo, how you gonna impress even the lowliest officer of my boss and rely on Egypt for chariots and horsemen?
Did I just stroll in here without the LORD’s backing to wreck this place? The LORD straight up told me, ‘Yo, go and take down this land.’
So Eliakim, Hilkiah’s boy, Shebna, and Joah were like, ‘Bro, can you speak Syrian so we can actually understand you? Don’t hit us with Hebrew in front of these folks on the wall.’
Yo, Rabshakeh was like, ‘Did my boss send me to your boss and you just to say this? Nah, he sent me to the homies posted on the wall, so they can snack on their own garbage and sip their own pee with you. Yeah, you heard me right, their own pee aka the water they wash their feet with.’
So Rabshakeh straight up stood there and started shouting in the Jews’ tongue, and he was like, ‘Listen up, fam! Get ready to hear the word from the real deal great king, the king of Assyria!’
Listen up, fam! The king says, don’t be duped by Hezekiah. He won’t be able to save you from the king of Assyria’s clutches.
Don’t let Hezekiah gas you up into putting all your faith in the LORD, saying that the LORD will totally save us and that this city won’t fall into the king of Assyria’s hands.
Check it, peeps! Don’t vibe with Hezekiah’s spiel, ’cause the king of Assyria’s dropping some lines like: “Hang with me, bring the swag, and we’ll chill with our own stash, sipping from our fancy wells. Let’s make it lit, fam!”
A’ight, listen up squad! I got some epic news for y’all. I’m rolling through to take you to a dope land, just like your hometown vibe. It’s gonna be stacked with goodies – corn, wine, bread, vineyards, olive oil, and honey. You’ll be living large, zero death vibes. Oh, and don’t fall for Hezekiah’s spiel about the LORD saving us. Don’t buy into the hype. Trust me on this one!
Yo, have any of the other nation’s gods actually saved their turf from the king of Assyria?
Yo, where them gods of Hamath and Arpad at? What about those deities from Sepharvaim, Hena, and Ivah? Did they save Samaria from my power?
Like, for real though, which of those so-called gods from other nations even got game? Have any of them ever saved their peeps from me? So, why should the LORD save Jerusalem from me?
But the people were all silent, not saying a word to him. ‘Cause the king was like, “Don’t even bother, fam.”
So, Eliakim, Hilkiah’s kid, holding it down in the household, rolled up with Shebna the scribe, and Joah, Asaph’s offspring, the recorder, hit up Hezekiah. They were rocking ripped threads and dropped Rabshakeh’s words on him.

2 Kings 19

When King Hezekiah caught wind of the drama, he was shook. He flipped, ripped his threads, threw on some humble sackcloth, and made a beeline for the house of the LORD.
He rounded up Eliakim, the top dog, Shebna the scribe, and the OG priests, all decked out in sackcloth, to pay a visit to Isaiah, son of Amoz, the prophet.
They were like, “Yo, Hezekiah, listen up, today’s a total dumpster fire. We’re dealing with mad troubles, getting dissed left and right. It’s like labor pains without the strength to push through. It’s seriously triggering, man.”
God might actually tune in to what that Rabshakeh dude is spouting, you know, the one the Assyrian king sent to diss the one true God. And when God hears it, He’s definitely gonna clap back. So, better pray for the small crew still holding it down. (Remnant’s like, the few who made the cut or something.)
So King Hezekiah’s squad rolled up to Isaiah’s crib.
Isaiah was like, “Yo guys, here’s the 411 for your boss: listen up, the Lord says, don’t trip about all the smack talk from those Assyrian king’s cronies dissing me.”
“Yo, listen up! I’m about to send a major smackdown his way, and he’s gonna catch wind of some spicy gossip that’ll make him dip right back to where he came from. And you know what? I’m gonna make sure he gets served on his own turf, wrecked by the sword.”
So Rabshakeh bounced and peeped that the king of Assyria was beefing with Libnah, ’cause he heard the king had dipped from Lachish.
So, when he heard Tirhakah, the king of Ethiopia, was rolling up to throw hands, he slid messengers to Hezekiah once again, like,
“Yo, tell Hezekiah, king of Judah, not to let his faith in God gas him up into thinking Jerusalem won’t get served to the king of Assyria.”
“Listen up, you’ve seen how the kings of Assyria straight up trashed all those lands. You think you’re gonna get a pass?”
“Did those gods of other nations even lift a finger to save them from getting wiped out like my ancestors wiped out cities like Gozan, Haran, Rezeph, and the folks of Eden in Thelasar?”
“Yo, what went down with the kings of Hamath, Arpad, Sepharvaim, Hena, and Ivah though?”
So Hezekiah peeped the letter from the messengers and read it. Then he slid into the house of the LORD and laid it out in front of Him.
And Hezekiah was like, “Yo God, the only true God of Israel, posted up between the cherubim, you’re the ultimate flex, nobody else comes close, running all the kingdoms on this turf. You’re the one who cooked up the whole heaven and earth.”
“Yo God, listen up and check this out: open your eyes and peep what Sennacherib’s saying to disrespect you, the almighty living God.”
“For real, God, the kings of Assyria straight up wrecked the nations and their lands,
And they straight up yeeted their fake gods into the fire, ’cause let’s be real, those things were just cobbled together by some dudes using basic materials like wood and stone. So of course, they got wrecked.”
“Yo, God, listen up! I’m begging you, please rescue us from this dude’s grip, so that all the kingdoms on Earth can recognize that you’re the one and only LORD God.”
So Isaiah, son of Amoz, hit up Hezekiah with a message from the LORD God of Israel. The deal is, He heard your prayer about Sennacherib, the king of Assyria.
So, like, the Lord’s saying, “Yo, Zion’s daughter—she’s straight up dissing you, laughing at you. Jerusalem’s daughter? Yeah, she’s shaking her head at you, disappointed.”
Who you been dissing, disrespecting? Who you been mocking, talking trash about? Who you been trying to act all high and mighty against? Yep, you guessed it, against the Holy One of Israel.
You really dissed the Lord with your messengers, boasting about how your fancy chariots conquered mountains, chopped down majestic trees, invaded borders, and infiltrated lush forests. #BoldMoves #NatureConqueror
I’ve explored and sipped on some seriously bizarre drinks, and I’ve totally drained all the rivers in heavily protected areas with the soles of my shoes.
Yo, didn’t you know I’ve been planning this since way back when? Like, I’ve been setting it up since ancient times. And now, watch me make it happen: those fortified cities? They’re gonna crumble into ruins. Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh?
So, like, the people there were pretty weak, totally freaked out. Fragile, easily crushed, like grass in a field or green plants on a rooftop. They couldn’t even grow properly, getting destroyed just as they started. Seriously lacked power and strength.
But I know where you chill, where you roll out, where you show up, and how you get all mad at me. #notsosecret
Since you’re out here getting all mad and causing a scene, I heard it loud and clear. So guess what? I’m gonna put a little something in your nose and a bit in your mouth to control ya. And you know what else? I’m gonna make you go back the same way you came from. Bam!
And here’s how you know: You gotta feast on the self-grown goods this year, then the next year munch on what’s sprouting up naturally. But in the third year, you gotta put efforts into planting, harvesting, and growing vineyards, and indulge in the sweet fruits of your labor.
Yo, the small crew that managed to survive from the house of Judah will get their roots deep down and start producing mad fruit in no time. #Survivors #Growth
Yo, listen up! There will be a group of peeps coming outta Jerusalem, and some survivors from Mount Zion too. It’s all gonna go down because the Lord is super pumped about it. Trust me, it’s gonna happen!
So basically, God’s saying that the king of Assyria ain’t gonna get anywhere near this city. Like, no chance. He won’t even shoot an arrow at it, or show up with his shield, or try to set up camp. This city is off-limits to him, no doubt.
Just like the way he rolled in, that’s how he gonna roll back out. Ain’t gonna step foot in this city, says the LORD.
I got your back, fam! Gonna protect this city, just to save it. Doing it for my own sake and for the sake of my homeboy, David.
So, like, during the night, the angel of the LORD went out and totally wrecked the Assyrians in their camp, wiping out like 185,000 of them! And when morning came, bam, there was just a bunch of dead bodies lying around.
And like, Sennacherib, the king of Assyria, just bounced, went back to his crib in Nineveh.
So, while he was busy vibing and worshipping in the house of his god Nisroch, Adrammelech and Sharezer, his sons, straight up attacked him with a sword. Then, they dipped and escaped to Armenia. And yo, his son Esarhaddon took over as the new ruler. (Ararat, you know, that’s what Armenia used to be called, just a lil’ FYI)

2 Kings 20

Back in the day, Hezekiah was super sick, almost on his deathbed. Then Isaiah, the prophet and son of Amoz, came through. Isaiah was like, ‘Yo, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you: Get your life sorted ’cause you’re about to peace out.’
So he whipped out his phone, flipped to selfie mode, and slid into the Lord’s DMs like,
“Hey God, remember how I’ve been keeping it real, staying true to myself, and doing what’s right by you. Hezekiah straight up bawled his eyes out, like, a lot.”
So, like, Isaiah hadn’t even left the court when the Lord hit him up, saying…
“Tell Hezekiah, leader of my squad, I heard his prayer, saw those tears. I gotchu with healing, in just three days, you’ll be back on your feet, heading to the Lord’s crib.”
“I’m adding 15 more years to your life, saving you and this city from the Assyrian king, keeping this place for myself and for David, my homie.”
So Isaiah was like, ‘Yo, grab them figs.’ They did, put it on the boil, and dude got better.
Hezekiah was like, ‘Yo Isaiah, can I get a sign the Lord will heal me? Like, I need to know if I’m hitting up the Lord’s crib in three days or nah.’
Isaiah was like, ‘Here’s the deal: choose if the shadow moves forward ten degrees or back.’
Hezekiah was like, ‘Nah fam, make it go back ten degrees instead.’
So Isaiah hit up the Lord, and He made the shadow reverse ten degrees on the dial of Ahaz, ya know.
Berodachbaladan, Babylon’s king, hit up Hezekiah’s DMs with a message and a gift, hearing he was sick. (BTW, Berodachbaladan is also Merodachbaladan.)
Hezekiah showed them everything in his crib – bling, gold, fragrances, the works. He flexed hard, showing off everything. No cap!
Isaiah asked, ‘What did they say?’ Hezekiah: ‘They came from Babylon, man.’
Isaiah: ‘What did they peep?’ Hezekiah: ‘Showed ’em everything, no secrets.’
Isaiah was like, ‘Yo Hezekiah, got a message from the big man.’
“Everything in your crib, your parents’ stash, gonna be hauled to Babylon. Nothing left behind.”
“Some of your kids will be taken, end up serving the king of Babylon.”
Hezekiah was like, ‘Solid word, Isaiah. Imagine if peace and truth could rule during my time? Legit!’
Want more Hezekiah deets? Dude was strong, built a sick pool, and brought water into the city. Check out the book of Kings of Judah for the full scoop.
Hezekiah passed, Manasseh took the throne.

2 Kings 21

Manasseh was, like, barely 12 when he snagged the throne, and he held it down for a solid 55 years in Jerusalem. His mom? Oh, she’s Hephzibah, FYI.
He went full-on rogue, doing stuff that made the Lord cringe, copying the sketchy moves of the folks the Lord had kicked out before the Israelites.
This dude straight up rebuilt those lit hilltop hangouts that his dad, Hezekiah, had trashed. Plus, he went all in, setting up dope altars for Baal and even planting a grove, just like Ahab, the OG king of Israel, did back in the day. And get this, he was all about worshipping those cosmic celebs, doing whatever they asked!
He even had the audacity to build altars in the house of the Lord, you feel me? And the Lord was like, ‘Bruh, I’m about to disown my own name in Jerusalem.’
And he straight up set up altars for all those trendy cosmic beings, like, all over the Lord’s house.
He made his kid go through some wild stuff, dabbling in all sorts of mystical junk, messing with spirits and spellcasters. He was on some next-level evil that seriously got the Lord heated.
So, he drops this slick statue of a grove he made inside the house, just like the Lord told David and Solomon. This crib in Jerusalem? It’s top-notch, the one the Lord picked out from all the Israelite tribes to rep His name forever!
I’m not kicking Israel out of the land I hooked their ancestors up with anymore, as long as they stay loyal to following all the rules I laid down, just like my homie Moses schooled ’em.
But they straight up ignored it: Manasseh got them to do even worse stuff than the nations the Lord wiped out before the Israelite crew.
And the Lord spoke through his prophets, like,
“Yo, Manasseh, king of Judah, went off the rails. Like, he pulled some real messed up stunts, worse than what the Amorites did back in the day. And thanks to him, the people of Judah jumped on the idol-worship train too. Not cool, man.”
“Listen up! This is the word from the Lord, the God of Israel: Get ready, ’cause I’m bringing some serious heat on Jerusalem and Judah. It’s gonna be so intense, when folks hear about it, their ears will be buzzing like crazy.”
I’m bringing some serious judgment vibes to Jerusalem, like what went down in Samaria and in Ahab’s crib. Jerusalem’s about to get wiped squeaky clean, like flipping a dish upside down, getting rid of all that residue. It’s gonna be heavy.
I’ll straight up abandon what’s left of my peeps, handing them over to their haters; they’ll be totally exploited and robbed by all their enemies.
Yo, they’ve been pulling some shady moves right in front of me, making me mad from the time their parents left Egypt till now.
Manasseh was ruthless, shedding innocent blood all over Jerusalem. He had Judah messed up, doing all sorts of wicked stuff that got the big man upstairs fuming.
And there’s more where that came from, all the messed-up moves Manasseh pulled. You can find all the details in the book that lays out the history of the kings of Judah.
Manasseh bounced, laid to rest in his own backyard, chillin’ in the garden of Uzza. Then his son Amon stepped up as king.
Amon was around 22 when he took charge in Jerusalem, ruling for about 2 years. His mom’s name? Meshullemeth, daughter of Haruz from Jotbah.
But he was not feeling the Lord, just like his old man Manasseh.
He followed in his dad’s footsteps, doing all the same shady stuff – serving idols and bowing down to them.
He straight up ghosted the Lord God of his ancestors, not sticking to the path the Lord set.
Amon’s crew turned on him, plotting in the shadows and taking down the king in his own crib.
Then the crew got revenge on those who took down King Amon, and they crowned his son Josiah as the new king.
Yo, ain’t all the other stuff Amon did already written down in the book of the kings of Judah?
They laid him to rest in his swanky grave in the Uzza garden. Then his son Josiah stepped up as ruler.

2 Kings 22

So, check it, Josiah was only 8 when he started running the show, and he held it down in Jerusalem for a solid 31 years. His mom, Jedidah, was Adaiah’s daughter from Boscath.
Dude straight up followed the vibes the LORD was sending, keeping it real like his pops, David. He stayed true to the path, no wavering.
So, like, when Josiah hit 18, he was like, “Yo, Shaphan, gotta task for you.” Shaphan, son of Azaliah and grandson of Meshullam, was the note-taking champ, you feel? Josiah was all, “Hit up the house of the LORD, let ’em know what’s good.”
Roll up to Hilkiah, the high priest, and have him tally up all the cash people been bringing to the house of the LORD. The guards at the door have been collecting it from the peeps.
And they gotta hand it over to the peeps in charge of the Lord’s crib, who will patch up any damage or holes in the building.
So, like, for the carpenters, builders, and masons to cop supplies like wood and cut stones to fix up the crib.
But they don’t gotta show receipts or track the cash they get, ’cause they’re straight-up trustworthy and never slip up.
Yo, Hilkiah, the high priest, hits up Shaphan, the scribe, like, “Bro, check it, I found the book of the law up in the Lord’s crib!” Hilkiah passes the book to Shaphan, and he starts flipping through it, you know?

2 Kings 23

So the king hit up all the OGs from Judah and Jerusalem, and they all linked up.
So the king and the whole crew, including the guys from Judah and Jerusalem, plus the priests, prophets, and everyone else, from the young bloods to the old heads, rolled up to the house of the LORD. And the king straight up read out all the words of the book of the covenant they found there.
So the king steps up to a pillar and takes an oath in front of the LORD. He promises to stick with the LORD, obey His commandments, testimonies, and statutes with all their heart and soul. They pledge to live by the words written in this book. And everyone there is on board with this agreement.
So the king was like, ‘Hey Hilkiah, the high priest, and all you other priests and doorkeepers, go fetch all those Baal and grove idols and stuff from the LORD’s temple and burn ’em outside Jerusalem in the Kidron fields. Then take the ashes to Bethel.’
Dude straight up kicked out those priests who were all about idols, the ones the kings of Judah had put in charge to burn incense in all those high spots around Judah and Jerusalem. He wasn’t having any of that worship to Baal, the sun, the moon, or any other cosmic vibes. (Oh, and by the way, “put down” here just means he made them stop, and “idolatrous priests” means those who were all about worshipping idols, just so you know.)
Then he grabbed that grove out of the LORD’s house, hauled it outside Jerusalem to the brook Kidron, and straight up lit it on fire there. He smashed it into tiny bits and scattered those bits over the graves of the people’s kids.
And he wrecked the houses of those doing shady stuff, especially the ones near the LORD’s house where the ladies were weaving fancy tapestries for idol worship.
So he rounded up all the priests from every corner of Judah and messed up their incense game, from Geba to Beersheba. He even tore down those high spots near the city gates, you know, like the ones to the left of the gate where Joshua the governor used to chill.
So, even though the big-shot priests weren’t hitting up the main altar of the LORD in Jerusalem, they were still chilling and munching on that unleavened bread with their crew.
And he straight up demolished Topheth, you know, that place down in the valley where the kids of Hinnom used to hang? Yeah, he did that so nobody would ever pull that messed up move of sacrificing their own kids in the fire for Molech. Like, seriously not cool, dude.
Then, he confiscated those horses the kings of Judah dedicated to the sun god, right at the entrance of the Lord’s house. It was near Nathanmelech’s pad in the suburbs. And guess what? He lit those sun chariots up! Yeah, torched them! (Oh, and BTW, Nathanmelech might be some top dog or some high-ranking officer, just throwing it out there.)
So, the king went all out and wrecked those altars on the upper floor of Ahaz’s crib that the kings of Judah built. He also smashed the ones Manasseh set up in the two courtyards of the LORD’s house. Then he tossed the dust from those altars into the brook Kidron. Total demolition job, man!
So, those trendy hangout spots around Jerusalem, on the right side of that sketchy hill where all the shady stuff went down, you know, the ones King Solomon of Israel built for Ashtoreth (a god the Zidonians were all about), Chemosh (a god the Moabites vibed with), and Milcom (a god the Ammonites dug), yeah, the king totally wrecked them. (That shady hill, by the way, was the Mount of Olives, just so you know.)
And he straight up smashed all those statues, like, shattered them into pieces, and chopped down all those groves, filling up those spots with human remains. Like, no joke, he got rid of all those fake idols and replaced them with bones of real people. So hardcore, dude!
Yo, there was this altar over in Bethel, right? And this high spot that Jeroboam, son of Nebat, set up. He’s the one who got Israel into some serious trouble. Well, guess what? He totally wrecked that altar, burned down the high spot, smashed it all to bits, and torched the grove. It was wild, man.
So, Josiah was checking out the scene, and he spotted these tombs up on the hill. He sent someone to grab the bones from those tombs and burned them on the altar, making it impure, just like the LORD’s message from that man of God said.
Then he’s like, “Hey, what’s the deal with that sign over there?” And the locals were like, “Oh, that’s the tomb of the guy who came all the way from Judah and called out the messed up stuff you did to the altar in Bethel.”
And Josiah’s like, “Leave him be; don’t mess with his bones.” So they left his bones alone, along with the bones of that prophet from Samaria.
Josiah straight up got rid of all those fancy high spots that the Israelite kings built in Samaria to tick off the Lord. He totally demolished them, doing the same thing he did to them in Bethel.
Then he straight up sacked all those priests at the fancy worship spots, sacrificed them on the altars, and burned people’s bones on them. After that, he dipped back to Jerusalem.
And the king’s like, “Yo, everybody gotta throw down for Passover for the LORD your God, just like it says in the book of this agreement, fam.”
Seriously, there’s never been a Passover like this since the OG judges in Israel, or even during the time of the kings of Israel and Judah. No joke.
But yo, in the eighteenth year that King Josiah was holding it down, this Passover bash went down in Jerusalem to give mad props to the LORD.
Josiah straight up cleaned house, getting rid of all those fortune tellers, magicians, idols, and other messed up stuff he found in Judah and Jerusalem. He did this to stay in line with the rules written in the book that Hilkiah the priest found in the house of the LORD.
And there was no king before him who was as real as him, who fully turned to the LORD and followed all the laws of Moses, and there was no one like him after him either.
But, like, even though the LORD was seriously ticked off at Judah because of all the messed up stuff Manasseh did to get on His bad side, He didn’t, like, ease up on His anger and stuff. It was a super intense situation, and there were, like, a ton of things that really got God heated.
God was like, “Judah’s out, just like Israel was. Peace out, Jerusalem, the city I chose. And that spot where I said I’d be? Yeah, it’s gonna be deserted.”
Yo, for the full scoop on what Josiah was up to, peep the book of the kings of Judah. It’s all in there, fam.
So, Pharaohnechoh, the big cheese of Egypt, decided to throw down with the king of Assyria, marching toward the river Euphrates. But our dude, King Josiah, wasn’t backing down. He straight-up confronted Pharaohnechoh and took him out at this place called Megiddo. No games, just swift and decisive – Josiah saw him and finished him off.
So, they scooped up Josiah’s body, rolled it in a swanky carriage from Megiddo, all the way back to Jerusalem, where they laid him in his own tomb. Meanwhile, they crowned Jehoahaz, Josiah’s son, giving him the royal treatment, making him the new king.
Jehoahaz slid onto the throne at 23, but his reign was shorter than a TikTok video—just 3 months. His mom, Hamutal, was the daughter of Jeremiah from Libnah. (Jehoahaz was also known as Shallum.)
But let me tell you, he went totally off the rails, doing all sorts of messed up stuff in the eyes of the LORD, following the family tradition and whatnot.
Pharaohnechoh wasn’t playing around—he straight-up imprisoned him in Riblah, in Hamath’s land, stripping him of his Jerusalem throne. And as if that wasn’t enough, he slapped them with a fat fine—100 talents of silver and one talent of gold. Like, talk about a major fine!
So, Pharaohnechoh was all like, “Hey Eliakim, you’re the new king now instead of your dad Josiah!” And then Pharaohnechoh changed his name to Jehoiakim, and he straight-up took Jehoahaz away. And get this? Jehoiakim bounced to Egypt, and that’s where he passed away.
Jehoiakim was handing over all the silver and gold to Pharaoh, but to get that cash, he taxed the heck out of his people, just like Pharaoh ordered. Each person had to cough up a specific amount based on what they were raking in, and it all went straight to Pharaohnechoh.
Jehoiakim was like 25 when he took the throne, and he reigned for 11 years in Jerusalem. His mom’s name was Zebudah, daughter of Pedaiah from Rumah.
But let me tell you, he went down a sketchy path in God’s eyes, just like his folks did.

2 Kings 24

So, back in the day when Nebuchadnezzar, the big boss of Babylon, was running the show, Jehoiakim was all up in there serving him for three years, then suddenly he’s like, ‘Nah, I’m out,’ and rebels against him.
Then God sends in squads from the Chaldeans, Syrians, Moabites, and Ammonites to go wreck Judah, just like He said through His prophets.
Like, the LORD totally let Judah get wrecked because they were seriously not vibing with Him, all because of Manasseh’s sins, you feel me? Dude was doing all sorts of messed up stuff.
And like, because of all the innocent blood he spilled, dude: he straight up filled Jerusalem with it, and the Lord was like, ‘Nah, not cool,’ you know?
Yo, wanna know more about Jehoiakim’s gig? Peep the book of chronicles of the kings of Judah, fam. It’s got all the deets!
Then Jehoiakim clocks out, and his son Jehoiachin steps up to bat.
Basically, the king of Egypt couldn’t step out of his crib anymore ’cause the king of Babylon snagged everything from him, from the river of Egypt to the river Euphrates.
Jehoiachin was barely legal at 18 when he took the throne, holding it down in Jerusalem for a quick three months. His mom, Nehushta, was daughter of Elnathan, a real OG in Jerusalem. Oh, and Jehoiachin also went by Jeconiah and Coniah.
But he pulled some seriously shady moves that really disappointed the LORD, just like his old man.
So, one day Nebuchadnezzar’s crew rolls up, surrounds Jerusalem, and puts it on full lockdown. The city was totally besieged, you feel me?
So, like, Nebuchadnezzar, the big shot from Babylon, straight up rolled in and attacked the city, and his crew surrounded it.
Jehoiachin, the king of Judah, tries to flex on Nebuchadnezzar with his squad, his mom, his posse, and his whole entourage. But yo, Nebuchadnezzar ain’t playing around, he grabs Jehoiachin in his eighth year on the throne. (Oh, and just a heads up, “officers” here could also mean eunuchs, in case you didn’t know. And Nebuchadnezzar was king in his eighth year, you dig?)
And he straight up loots all the lit treasures from the LORD’s place and the king’s palace, and smashes up all the sick gold stuff that King Solomon decked out the LORD’s crib with, just like the LORD said he would.
He grabs everyone from Jerusalem, even the top dogs and the badass warriors, like, ten thousand of them, plus all the skilled workers and craftsmen. Like, nobody gets left behind except for the poorest peeps in the land.
Then he snatches up Jehoiachin, the king’s mom, his wives, his crew, and all the VIPs from the land, dragging them off as captives to Babylon from Jerusalem. (Oh, and heads up, “officers” here could also mean eunuchs.)
So, the king of Babylon scoops up about 7,000 tough dudes, plus like, a thousand skilled craftsmen and smiths. These guys were all ripped and ready for battle, and he hauls them off as captives to Babylon.
Then, get this, the king of Babylon flips the script and crowns Mattaniah, his uncle, as the new king. And he even gives him a slick new name: Zedekiah.
Zedekiah steps up to the throne at 21, holding it down in Jerusalem for 11 years. His mom, Hamutal, was Jeremiah’s daughter from Libnah.
But Zedekiah pulls some shady moves that seriously tick off the LORD, just like Jehoiakim.
So, God’s not having it, and He decides to lay the smackdown on Jerusalem and Judah by kicking them out of His sight. And guess what? Zedekiah’s like, ‘Nah, I’m not playing along with the king of Babylon!’

2 Kings 25

Yo, so, back in the day, like, when Nebuchadnezzar was running the show for nine years, in the tenth month, on the tenth day, him and his whole crew showed up in Jerusalem and set up camp. They even built some epic forts around the city.
And Jerusalem was on total lockdown until King Zedekiah’s eleventh year, man. No one was getting in or out, it was like a fortress, legit.
Then, on the ninth day of the fourth month, the whole city was facing a major famine, bro. There was zero bread left for anyone living there.
And Jerusalem was trashed, man. All the dudes who were defending the city just dipped in the dead of night through this sick secret passage between two walls, right by the king’s fancy garden. (Oh, and FYI, the Chaldeans had the city totally surrounded, in case you weren’t aware.) And the king bounced to the open field.
So, the Chaldean crew came chasing after the king and caught up with him in the Jericho fields. His whole squad got split up and scattered, man.
So they nabbed the king and dragged him before the big boss of Babylon in Riblah, and they had a serious talk with him.
Then they offed Zedekiah’s sons right in front of him, and they blinded Zedekiah and slapped brass cuffs on him. After that, they hauled him off to Babylon.
So, like, in the fifth month, on the seventh day, you know, it was the nineteenth year of King Nebuchadnezzar’s reign over Babylon. And then this dude, Nebuzaradan, the head honcho of the palace guards, you feel me, who was like a servant to the Babylonian king, like, totally showed up in Jerusalem.
And he straight-up wrecked the house of the LORD, the king’s pad, and every other fancy crib in Jerusalem. Every luxe house went up in flames.
And the whole squad of the Chaldeans, riding with their leader, just demolished the walls of Jerusalem from every side.
So, like, there were still some folks chilling in the city, you know? And those who bounced to join the king of Babylon, plus whoever was left, got scooped up by Nebuzaradan, the big shot of the guards. (Oh, and if you didn’t know, ‘fugitives’ means those who ditched their crew.)
And yo, the head of the guard? He actually let some of the less fortunate folks stay back to work on the vineyards and farms, you dig?
The Chaldeans straight-up wrecked the brass pillars, bases, and bronze sea in the LORD’s crib and hauled all that bronze to Babylon.
They snatched up all the pots, shovels, snuffers, spoons, and every brass instrument they used for their duties.
Then the head of the guard took all the firepans, bowls, and other golden and silver gear and carried them off, making sure to match gold with gold and silver with silver.
Solomon went all out with two massive pillars, a gigantic water basin, and some solid bases for the LORD’s place. The brass used for all that was so heavy, you couldn’t even weigh it. #mindblown
The first pillar stood tall at like eighteen cubits, with a sleek brass topper that was about three cubits high. It had these sick designs of wreaths and pomegranates all around, also brass-made. The second pillar was just as fly, with the same kind of stylish designs.
The big boss of the squad nabbed Seraiah, the top dog priest, and Zephaniah, the second-in-command priest, along with the three bouncers. (Oh, and just so you know, in the original Hebrew, ‘threshold’ is used for ‘door’.)
Then he grabbed a high-ranking military dude from the city, plus five homies close to the king, and the main scribe who kept everyone organized in the land, and also sixty regular folks from the city.
So Nebuzaradan, the head of security, rounded them up and brought them to the Babylonian king in Riblah:
And then the king of Babylon straight-up wrecked them, like, completely wiped them out at Riblah in the land of Hamath. So Judah got totally kicked out of their land.
So, there were still some folks left in Judah after Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, did his thing. And guess what? He picked Gedaliah, the son of Ahikam and grandson of Shaphan, to be in charge of them.
When all the army big shots and their crews heard that the king of Babylon chose Gedaliah as governor, they rolled up to Mizpah to meet him. Ishmael, Johanan, Seraiah, and Jaazaniah, with their squads, were among them.
And Gedaliah reassured them, and their squads, saying, don’t sweat becoming the Chaldeans’ lackeys: just kick back in the land, do your thing for the king of Babylon, and everything will be cool.
So, like, in the seventh month, this dude Ishmael, who’s the son of Nethaniah and grandson of Elishama, from a super important fam and all, showed up with ten of his crew and straight-up offed Gedaliah. Like, Gedaliah was donezo, and even the Jews and the Chaldeans who were chilling with him at Mizpah got messed up too. Just so you know, ‘royal’ means ‘of the kingdom’ in the original language.
So, like, everybody, from the little guys to the big shots, and even the army heads, booked it to Egypt because they were totally shook of the Chaldeans.
So, after Jehoiachin, the king of Judah, had been locked up for 37 years, in the 12th month, on the 27th day, Evilmerodach, the king of Babylon, in his first year of ruling, let Jehoiachin, the king of Judah, out of prison.
And he was mega cool with him, giving him a major upgrade, setting his throne even higher than the other Babylonian kings; they were tight, you know?
And he hooked him up with some fresh threads: and he stayed munching on bread non-stop, flexing like that for all the days of his life.
And he got a dope vibe from the king every day, like a constant flex that lasted his whole life, every single day without fail.