1 Samuel - Gen Z Bible

1 Samuel 1

Alright, check it, there was this dude from Ramathaimzophim, chilling up on mount Ephraim, and his name? Elkanah. He was the son of Jeroham, who was the son of Elihu, who was the son of Tohu, who was the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite.
So, Elkanah had two wifey material girls – one named Hannah and the other named Peninnah. Peninnah was popping out kids left and right, but poor Hannah couldn’t catch a break.
Every year, this dude would dip from his hood to worship and make offerings to the big man upstairs, the LORD of hosts, in Shiloh. And Eli’s two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, who were the LORD’s priests, were also there. (Yearly means from year to year, in case you were wondering!)
And when Elkanah was about to offer, he shared some of the goodies with Peninnah, his wifey, and all her kiddos:
But Hannah got an extra special blessing because she had earned it—God really loved her! But unfortunately, God closed up her womb and she couldn’t have any kids.
Peninnah just kept on throwing shade, trying to get under Hannah’s skin, because God hadn’t blessed her with kids.
And every year, when they hit up the house of the LORD, Peninnah’s antics would get to Hannah so bad, she’d start bawling and couldn’t even eat.
Elkanah, Hannah’s man, was like, ‘Why you crying and not eating, babe? Am I chopped liver to you?’
So Hannah bounced after they ate in Shiloh and clinked their drinks. Eli the priest was posted up, chilling next to a post in the LORD’s temple.
Feeling low-key down, she poured her heart out to the LORD, straight-up bawling.
She made a promise, like, ‘God, if you peep my struggle, remember me, and hook me up with a baby boy, I’ll dedicate him to you for life, no haircuts.’
Eli clocked her praying hardcore before the LORD.
So Hannah, like, was praying silently—her lips moving but no sound. Eli thought she was lit or something.
Eli was like, ‘How long you gonna keep sipping? Cut that out.’
Hannah was like, ‘Nah, I’m not even tipsy. Just really going through it, you feel?’
‘Don’t label me as evil, Eli. I’m just letting it all out.’
Eli was like, ‘Word, may God hook you up.’
She was like, ‘Please show me love.’ After that, she bounced, had a good meal, and felt better.
Next day, they showed reverence to the LORD, then dipped back to Ramah. Elkanah and Hannah had a good thing going, and the LORD showed her love.
After a minute, Hannah got pregnant and named the kid Samuel, saying, ‘I asked the Lord for him.’
Elkanah and the fam headed to the LORD’s place to offer the yearly sacrifice, like they said they would.
But Hannah was like, ‘Nah, I’ll chill until Samuel’s weaned, then I’ll bring him to the LORD’s crib and leave him there.’
Elkanah was like, ‘Do you, boo. Just wait until he’s done nursing. But for real, may the Lord come through.’ So she stayed put and nursed Samuel.
After Samuel was weaned, she brought him to the LORD’s house in Shiloh with a cow, some flour, and wine. He was still a little dude.
They sacrificed the cow and brought Samuel to Eli.
Hannah was like, ‘Remember me? I prayed for this kid!’
‘I asked for him, and God came through, no cap.’
‘So, I’m giving him back to God, like, he’s all yours now. As long as he’s alive, he’s dedicated to God.’ And she worshipped God there.

1 Samuel 2

So, Hannah was praying and she was like, ‘OMG, my heart is so lit because of the LORD! Like, I feel so empowered and confident because of Him. I can’t even! My words are all about that victory vibe, and I totally slay my haters, ’cause I’m all about celebrating Your saving grace.’
Ain’t nobody as holy as the LORD, ’cause He’s, like, on a whole other level. Nobody’s as real and awesome as our God.
Yo, quit flexin’ so hard, seriously. Like, no need to be all high and mighty, aight? ‘Cause the LORD knows what’s up, and He’s checkin’ us all the time, you feel me? So, let’s keep it humble, fam. #Blessed
Them tough warriors’ bows got wrecked, and even the clumsy ones are flexin’ some serious strength now.
Them who were livin’ large gotta hustle for their meals now, and them who were strugglin’ ain’t starvin’ no more. And check it, the woman who couldn’t have kids straight up had seven babies, while the mom with a bunch of ’em is feelin’ drained and tired.
God can take lives and bring ’em back, He can humble you and lift you up.
God can have you ballin’ or broke, He can humble you or raise you up.
He lifts up the down-and-out, brings them from the bottom to the top, from strugglin’ to influential, and blesses them with a dope legacy. The whole world belongs to the LORD, and He’s got it all under control.
He’s got his squad’s backs, and the shady ones will be dead silent in the shadows; ’cause nobody can flex their way outta judgment alone.
The haters of the Most High are gonna get served; He’s gonna drop some divine thunder on them: The Most High is about to lay down the law on the whole earth, and empower His king big time, and boost up the strength of His chosen one.
So Elkanah bounced back to Ramah. And the homie started vibin’ with the Most High under Priest Eli.
So, like, Eli’s boys were straight-up shady, you feel? They were clueless about the Most High.
So, like, the priests had this scam going with the people where, when a dude wanted to offer a sacrifice, the priest’s sidekick would slide through while the meat was cookin’, holding this three-pronged meat hook, you know?
And he, like, stuck it in the pan, or pot, or whatever; and whatever the hook pulled out, the priest straight-up claimed it for himself. So they were pulling that scam in Shiloh for all the Israelites who pulled up there.
Yo, before they burnt that fat, the priest’s sidekick rolled up and said to the dude sacrificing, ‘Yo, hook it up with some raw meat for the priest. He ain’t into cooked meat, bro, he wants it fresh.’
And if someone told him, ‘Don’t forget to cook the fat first and take as much as you want,’ he’d be like, ‘Nah, I want it now. And if you don’t give it, I’ll take it by force.’
Yo, peeps were straight up dissing the LORD with their sin game, dissing the offerings like they were nothing.
Samuel was just a kid, but he was serving the LORD, decked out in a slick linen ephod, you feel me?
His mom hooked him up with this dope outfit every year when they rolled up for the big sacrifice gig.
Eli gave his blessings to Elkanah and his wife, praying they’d get a child, and then they bounced back to their spot.
So, God came through for Hannah, she got pregnant, popped out three sons and two daughters, and Samuel? He was on his holy grind, right in God’s sight.
Eli, he was ancient, but he knew what his sons were up to. They were hitting on the ladies at the meeting place, where everyone kicked it. Hebrew says ‘assembled by troops’—weird, right?
He’s like, ‘What’s with all this shady stuff? People are talking.’
Bros, I’m getting bad vibes. Word is, you’re leading the LORD’s crew astray. Not cool, yo.
Yo, when someone does another dirty, the judge lays down the law. But when someone starts disrespectin’ the Big Man upstairs, who’s gonna step up? Nah, bro, they brushed off their old man’s wisdom ’cause the Big Guy had some reckonin’ in store.
And Samuel, this young blood, just kept grindin’, earning mad respect from both the Big Man and the whole squad.
So, this dude who’s tight with the man upstairs, rolls up on Eli like, “Listen, fam. The Most High’s hittin’ me up to tell you, didn’t He make it clear way back when to your fam in Egypt, when they were posted in Pharaoh’s palace?
Like, didn’t I choose his bloodline out of all Israel to do some lit stuff, like lead in the worship game, burn that incense, and rock that priestly gear? And didn’t I hook your fam up with all the offerings brought to your pops’ pad?
So why you gotta diss my offerings and show more love to your sons than me? Tryna snag the best cuts from the offerings brought by my crew, Israel?
The Big Man, the God of Israel, is sayin’, I straight up promised your family, your pops’ fam included, would hold it down forever. But now, the Big Man’s like, ‘Nah, ain’t goin’ down like that.’ ‘Cause those who give me props will get props, but those who disrespect? They’re gettin’ put in check.
Listen up! Things are lookin’ bleak for you – I’m about to take away your family’s power, ain’t gonna be no old heads left in your spot.
Your crib’s gonna catch some serious heat, missin’ out on all the blessings the Big Man’s got for Israel. And there won’t be any OGs left in your house for good.”
Yo, peeps! Check it, if anyone from your fam keeps chillin’ at my altar, it’s gonna be bad vibes all around. Plus, your future fam gonna be outta here way too soon.
A’ight, listen close ’cause this one’s for real. Hophni and Phinehas, your boys? Yeah, they’re outta here on the same day. That’s the deal.
Now, peep this, I’m bringing in a real solid priest, someone who’s got my back like 24/7. They gonna vibe with everything I’m about, straight from my heart. And I’m hookin’ ’em up with a solid gig, like, forever.
And mark my words, whoever’s left in your crew is gonna come beggin’ to join this new priest’s squad. They’ll be all like, “Yo, can I get some cash and grub? Please, lemme roll with the priests, just for a snack.”

1 Samuel 3

Okay, so Samuel was totally vibing with the LORD, doing his thing under Eli. And let me tell you, hearing from God was like scoring some major wisdom points back then ’cause there weren’t any divine visions popping off.
So, like, this went down when Eli was chilling in his usual spot and his eyesight started glitching out, like, he couldn’t see squat.
And this all went down before the lamp in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was, flickered out, while Samuel was catching some Z’s;
So, like, God straight-up called out to Samuel and he was all like, “Here I am, what’s good?”
So Samuel rolls up to Eli like, “You calling me, fam?” And Eli’s like, “Nah man, wasn’t me. Hit the sack.” So the dude heads back and catches some Zs.
But then, boom, the LORD hits up Samuel again. So he’s like, “Eli, you hollering at me?” And Eli’s like, “Nah, bro, wasn’t me. Back to bed, my dude.”
At that time, Samuel wasn’t tight with God yet, and God hadn’t dropped any wisdom on him. (Just so you know, this was all before Samuel got personal with God or got any divine downloads.)
So, like, God hit up Samuel again, this being the third time and all. Samuel was like, ‘Alright, alright, I’m on my way!’ So he bounced over to Eli, and was like, ‘Yo, you called for me?’ And Eli clocked that it was actually the Lord who was reaching out to the kid.
Eli was like, “Hey, Samuel, go chill and lay low. If you hear someone calling, just be like, ‘What’s good, Lord? I’m all ears.’” So Samuel did as Eli said and crashed in his spot.
Then God rolled up like, ‘Samuel, Samuel!’ And Samuel was like, ‘Yo, what’s the deal? I’m tuned in, talk to me.’
And God was like, ‘Yo, Samuel! Listen up, I’m about to shake things up in Israel, blow everyone’s minds, you feel me? It’s gonna be next level.’
On that day, I’m gonna lay down everything I said against Eli and his crew. Once I start, it’s game on until it’s done. It’s gonna be lit, fam! #NewBeginningsAndFarewells
So I’m telling him straight up, I’m gonna judge his whole squad forever, ’cause they’re straight up doing shady stuff they know ain’t right. His sons are acting nasty and he ain’t even giving them the side eye or nothing.
So, I’m locking in this vow against Eli’s fam, their wrongs can’t just be wiped out with some offerings or sacrifices, you dig? It’s sticking with them forever.
So Samuel crashed at God’s pad all night, then woke up in the A.M. and unlocked the doors to His crib. But he was low-key stressed about spilling the vision to Eli.
Eli hit up Samuel like, “Yo, Samuel, my dude.” And Samuel was like, “What’s good? I’m right here.”
And Eli was like, “Bro, what did the LORD tell you? Seriously, spill the tea, don’t ghost me on this. Swear, if you keep it on the down-low, God’s gonna bring down some serious vibes on you. For real, whatever He dropped on you, spill it. No cap.”
Samuel let it all out, no holding back. He was like, “Bro, it’s all part of God’s master plan, let Him do His thing.”
Samuel was straight thriving, with God always having his back, ensuring none of his words fell on deaf ears.
And, like, everyone in Israel, from Dan to Beersheba, knew Samuel was, like, certified as a prophet of the LORD. #legit #faithful
So, the LORD popped up again in Shiloh, ’cause that’s where He decided to vibe with Samuel. And guess what? Yeah, it was through His word.

1 Samuel 4

Yo, so Samuel’s message went viral all over Israel. And then, Israel was like, “Let’s square up against the Philistines in a major showdown.” They pitched camp near Ebenezer, while the Philistines set up shop in Aphek. And then it all went down, you feel?
Bro, it was intense! The Philistines and Israel were straight-up facing off, and when the clash finally happened, Israel got totally owned by the Philistines. They lost like four thousand guys in the fight. Major bummer, dude!
So, when the squad finally got back to camp, the OGs of Israel were like, “Why did the LORD let us take an L against the Philistines today? Maybe we should bring the LORD’s ark of the covenant from Shiloh, and like, when we have it with us, it might save us from our enemies.
The crew was like, “Yo, let’s roll to Shiloh and grab the lit AF ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts, you know, the one chilling between those cherubim?” And Eli’s two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, were right there with the ark of the covenant of God.
And when the LORD’s sacred ark pulled up to camp, all of Israel let out this massive shout that shook the ground.
When the Philistines peeped that noise, they were like, “Bruh, what’s with the lit commotion in the Hebrews’ spot?” They clocked that the Lord’s ark had pulled up in the camp.
The Philistines were straight-up shook, like, “Bro, the Big Man just showed up in our crib.” They were like, OMG, we’re toast! This is next level, never happened before, for real.
OMG, we’re toast! Who’s gonna bail us from these mega powerful deities? Like, these are the ones who wrecked the Egyptians with all those insane plagues back in the desert!
Yo, Philistines, get your act together. Don’t be slaves to the Hebrews like they were to you. Level up, show some guts, and let’s throw down. Time to flex some real strength here!
So, the Philistines squared off with Israel, and it was a total wipeout, bro. Israel got wrecked, they dipped, each one booking it to their own tent. It was brutal, like thirty thousand Israelite soldiers got smoked, dude.
Yo, peeps, the sacred ark of God got swiped, and Eli’s two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, got totally wrecked. Yeah, they straight-up met their end. #NoMercy
So, this dude from the Benjamin squad bounced real quick and rolled into Shiloh the same day, looking all messed up with his clothes torn and dirt all over his head.
And when he rocked up, Eli was posted on a seat by the side of the road, keeping watch ’cause he was seriously stressing about the ark of God. So when the dude hit the city and spilled the tea, everyone in town was shook.
And when Eli heard all the ruckus, he was like, ‘Yo, what’s with all this madness?’ And this dude dashed in and spilled the tea to Eli.
So Eli was, like, pushing a hundred years old and his eyesight was seriously whack. He couldn’t see squat.
The dude told Eli, “I’m the one who dipped from the army today.” And Eli was like, “What went down, bro? What’s the dealio?”
So, like, the messenger was all, ‘Yo, Israel just got totally wrecked by the Philistines! It was, like, a total bloodbath out there. And, yo, your two boys, Hophni and Phinehas? Yeah, they’re out. And get this? The ark of God got straight up snatched.’
So, this one time, when he was talking about the ark of God, he accidentally bailed off his seat, backward, right by the gate. Dude’s neck snapped and he was out, ’cause, you know, he was old and pretty hefty. Oh, and FYI, he had been the judge of Israel for a solid forty years.
And Phinehas’ wife, who was about to pop, heard the news that the ark of God was nabbed and that her father-in-law and hubby had passed. She got all emotional and started feeling those contractions, ’cause the pain hit her like a truck.
And when she was about to peace out, the squad of women around her was like, ‘Chill, you just had a boy.’ But she didn’t even respond, like, she wasn’t even paying attention.
And she named the kid Ichabod, saying, ‘The vibes have left Israel, yo. ‘Cause the ark of God got taken, and because of her father-in-law and her husband.’
She was like, ‘OMG, the swag is totally gone from Israel! The legit ark of God got snatched!’

1 Samuel 5

So, like, the Philistines totally snatched the Ark of God and hauled it all the way from Ebenezer to Ashdod.
When they got it, they brought the sacred box of God into the house of Dagon and just set it down right next to him.
The next morning, the people of Ashdod woke up and guess what? Dagon was totally faceplanted on the ground in front of the Lord’s Ark. They had to pick him up and put him back in his spot.
But, like, the next morning, they found Dagon flat on his face again in front of the Lord’s Ark, and this time his head and hands were chopped off on the threshold. Only the fishy part of him was left, for real.
So now, none of Dagon’s priests or anyone who goes into Dagon’s crib in Ashdod steps on his front porch, even to this day.
But God’s power hit hard against the people of Ashdod, and He brought destruction upon them. They were struck with a severe affliction called emerods, affecting not only Ashdod but the surrounding areas as well.
So, when the dudes from Ashdod peeped that it went like that, they were like, “No way can we keep this Israel God’s ark with us. It’s totally wrecking us and our god Dagon.”
So they hit up all the top Philistine bosses and were like, “Yo, what should we do with this ark of the God of Israel?” And the bosses were like, “Just take that God of Israel’s ark over to Gath and move it around there.” So, that’s exactly what they did—they moved that ark of the God of Israel over there.
So, like, after they carried it around, the LORD was totally not happy with the city and caused some serious destruction. He totally wrecked the dudes in the city, no matter if they were young or old, and they ended up with some unpleasant physical issues.
So they sent the God’s ark to Ekron. And when the God’s ark arrived in Ekron, the people there freaked out, saying, “OMG, they brought the God of Israel’s ark here to kill us and our peeps. Like seriously, they wanna slay me and my squad!”
So, they gathered all the big names from the Philistines, and they were like, ‘Bruh, we gotta send back that ark of the God of Israel, like ASAP. It’s straight-up wrecking us and our squad. Our city’s getting wrecked left and right – for real, God’s hand is hitting us hard.’
And those who survived were hit with a nasty sickness, and the whole city was shook and in agony.

1 Samuel 6

So, dudes, the Lord’s ark chilled with the Philistines for, like, a solid seven months.
Then the Philistines were all like, ‘Bruh, we need some priests and diviners to sort this out. What’s the move with this ark of the LORD? How do we send it back to its crib?’
And they’re like, ‘Listen up, if you’re gonna bounce the ark of the God of Israel, don’t just ghost it. You gotta send a trespass offering with it. That’s the only way you’ll get healed and figure out why God’s not vibin’ with you anymore.’
So they’re like, ‘What’s the deal with making things right?’ And they’re told, ‘Let’s drop five gold statues of tumors and five gold statues of mice, representing the Philistine big shots affected by the same plague.’
So, you gotta flex some art skills, make visuals of your diseases and the rodents buggin’ your land. And, yo, give mad respect to the God of Israel. Maybe then He’ll chill with the punishment and cut you, your gods, and your land some slack.
Bruh, why you gotta be so stubborn, like those Egyptians and Pharaoh? They finally let the people bounce after witnessing all those epic miracles. And then the people dipped, you feel?
Alright fam, go snag a fresh cart and hook up two cows that ain’t never seen a day of labor. Then, bring their baby cows back home.
Aight, listen up, grab the LORD’s ark and plop it on the cart. And don’t forget to stash those gold jewels for the trespass offering in a box next to it. Then, send it on its way.
So, if that cart rolls towards his turf, Bethshemesh, then he’s totally to blame for bringing us this mess. But if it heads another way, then we know for sure he’s innocent. It’s just a wild coincidence that messed us up. Like, for real, he ain’t got nothing to do with it.
So, the dudes went for it; they snagged two lit cows, tied ’em up, and left their adorable calves at home:
So, they loaded up the LORD’s ark on the cart, with that chest full of gold mice and statues of tumors, you know, the whole deal.
And these cows, they just beelined it straight to Bethshemesh, mooing all the way, not even glancing to the right or left. The Philistine big shots trailed behind, keeping up until they hit the border of Bethshemesh.
Meanwhile, the folks in Bethshemesh were out there in the valley, doing their wheat harvest thing, when suddenly, they’re like, “Whoa, check it out!” There it was, the ark, rolling up like a VIP.
So, the cart pulls into Joshua’s field in Bethshemesh and just stops, right by this massive rock. They’re like, “Time to do this right,” and they bust up the cart to make a burnt offering out of the cows for the LORD.
Then the Levites get in on the action, bringing down the ark of the LORD and that container packed with all the sick gold stuff, and they plunk it down on that huge rock. And the people of Bethshemesh, they’re all about it, making burnt offerings and sacrifices to the LORD right then and there.
So, like, when the Philistines saw what was up, they jetted back to Ekron super quick.
And check it, these are the dope gifts the Philistines brought to make things right with the big man upstairs: one for Ashdod, one for Gaza, one for Askelon, one for Gath, and one for Ekron.
And they didn’t stop there, they had these golden mice, like, all over the place—every city under the thumb of the big bosses. They had them in their bougie cities and even in the small towns, all the way up to this massive rock called Abel where they dropped off the LORD’s ark. That rock is still there chillin’ in Joshua’s hood, Bethshemite. It’s wild, right?!
And then, like, God laid the smackdown on the Bethshemesh crew ’cause they had to go peeking into the LORD’s ark. He took out like fifty thousand and seventy dudes, and it was a major downer ’cause God came in hot with a major beatdown.
The Bethshemesh bros were like, who even has the guts to kick it with this all-powerful LORD God? Like, who can hang with Him face-to-face?
So they hit up their homies in Kirjathjearim like, ‘Yo, the Philistines dropped off the LORD’s ark. Swing by and help us out, will ya?’

1 Samuel 7

So, check it, the crew from Kirjathjearim rolled up, snagged the ark of the LORD, and took it to Abinadab’s spot up on the hill. They straight up designated Eleazar, his son, to be in charge of keeping watch over the ark of the LORD.
So, the ark was posted up in Kirjathjearim for like, a hot minute, like, twenty years, and all the Israelites were feeling majorly down, like, seriously missing the LORD.
So Samuel was dropping truth bombs to all the peeps in Israel, and he was like, yo, if you wanna get on God’s level, you gotta ditch those whack gods and idols you’re into, and commit your hearts to God, like, serving Him only. If you do that, He’ll totally come through and save you from the Philistines, for real.
So the Israelites straight up ghosted Baalim and Ashtaroth, and started vibing with the LORD exclusively.
So Samuel was like, yo, gather up all of Israel in Mizpeh, and I’ll hit up the LORD with my prayers for y’all, fam.
So, they all linked up in Mizpeh, grabbed some water, and poured it out as an offering to the LORD. They were like, “Okay, today’s the day, we gotta fast and be real about how we messed up by not following the LORD.” And Samuel took the lead in guiding the crew of Israel in Mizpeh.
Then, word got out to the Philistines that the Israelites were all gathering in Mizpeh. And, dude, the Philistine bosses pulled up on Israel. When the Israelites heard about it, they got shook by the Philistines, you know?
The Israelites were like, “Samuel, man, keep praying to the LORD our God for us. Ask Him to save us from these Philistines. Don’t stop praying ’cause we need His help, big time.” #TeamIsrael
So, Samuel grabbed a cute little lamb and offered it up as a sacrifice to the Lord. He prayed to the Lord on behalf of Israel, and guess what? The Lord totally heard him out!
Samuel was in the zone, doing his whole burnt offering thing, right? And then, outta nowhere, the Philistines were like, “Let’s go, let’s battle Israel!” But then, boom, the LORD unleashed this epic thunderstorm on the Philistines that messed them up bad. They got straight up wrecked and Israel came out on top.
So, like, the Israel squad bounced from Mizpeh and straight up went after the Philistines, and they totally wrecked them until they were deep under Bethcar.
Then Samuel grabbed a rock, plonked it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called it Ebenezer, saying, “Till now, God’s had our backs.”
So, the Philistines got majorly whooped, and they never bothered the Israelites again. And you know what? God had been giving them side-eye the whole time Samuel was in the mix.
Yo, check it! Those cities the Philistines swiped from Israel? Totally reclaimed. From Ekron to Gath, Israel snatched ’em back! And get this? Israel straight-up told the Philistines to step off their coastal spots. Bam! After all that, Israel and the Amorites were chill, no beef, just peace vibes, y’know?
Samuel was the OG judge of Israel his whole life.
And he jet-setted from Bethel to Gilgal to Mizpeh, flexing his judge skills all over Israel. Like, dude was everywhere, no lie!
Then he bounced back to Ramah, ’cause that’s home base, where he ran the show for Israel, and set up shop with an altar for the LORD.

1 Samuel 8

Yo, check it, Samuel was getting old vibes, and he thought it was time to hook his sons up as judges to run the show in Israel, you feel?
So, this dude named his first kid Joel, and the second one Abiah. And guess what? They were like the big shots judging in Beersheba.
But here’s the twist, his sons didn’t vibe with his ways. They got caught up in chasing cash, taking bribes, and messing with justice.
Then all the OGs of Israel rolled up to Samuel in Ramah, like, “Bro, we need to talk.”
They were like, “Listen, man, you’re like ancient, and your kids ain’t following your lead. So, we’re thinking, let’s get a king, you know, like all the other lit countries, to lead and judge us.”
But Samuel wasn’t feeling it when they said, “We want a king to rule over us.” So, he hit up the Lord with a prayer, like, “Help, we need to sort this out.”
So, the LORD was all like, ‘Hey, Samuel, tune in and peep what the people are saying. It’s not about you though, they’re basically giving me the cold shoulder and saying, “Nah, we don’t want you running the show.”‘
Seriously, ever since I busted them out of Egypt, they’ve been pulling some shady moves that totally disrespect me. They’ve ghosted me and started stanning other gods, and they’re probably gonna do the same thing to you, bro.
So, hear them out, but make sure you lay down the facts and explain what having a king means for them.
So, Samuel straight up relayed all the deets from the LORD to the peeps who were hitting him up for a king, you feel?
And he was like, listen up, this is how the king’s gonna flex: He’s gonna recruit your dudes and draft ’em onto his squad, cruising in his sick chariots and having his boys ride alongside. And he’s even gonna have some homies clearing the way for his chariots. That’s the vibe, fam.
Then he’ll appoint leaders for big groups and smaller crews. They’ll be handling his land, getting those crops, and crafting weapons and chariots.
And he’s gonna hire your daughters as super skilled pastry chefs, top-tier chefs, and baking pros, no cap.
He’ll straight up swoop in on your fields, vineyards, and olive groves, picking out the sickest ones and handing them over to his crew.
And he’s gonna tax like 10% of all your crops and wine and pass it to his squad, you feel? 💸✨
He’ll be snatching up all your servants, even the chill ones and the young bloods, and even your donkeys, making them do his bidding.
He’s gonna take a slice of your sheep – like, a solid tenth. And check it, you’ll straight up be his servants, doing whatever he says. Wild, right?
And you’ll be like, ugh, totally stressed on that day because of the king y’all chose for yourselves, and like, God ain’t gonna hear you out then, just saying.
But the people were like, nah, not vibing with Samuel. They were all like, we need a king to run the show, ya feel?
Bro, let’s just be like everyone else, ya dig? We need a king to guide us, fight our battles, and be our hype man, always leading the charge on the front lines.
So Samuel peeped everything the people were saying and then spilled the tea to the Lord.
Yo, Samuel, listen up! The Lord wants you to tune in to what the peeps are saying and hook ’em up with a king. So Samuel tells the crew from Israel to bounce back to their cities, ya heard?

1 Samuel 9

Alright, so, there was this guy from the tribe of Benjamin named Kish. He was the son of Abiel, who was the son of Zeror, who was the son of Bechorath, who was the son of Aphiah. Kish was a total powerhouse, like, super influential and skilled, you feel?
Now, this dude Saul was something else. I mean, he was not just cool, but good-looking too. Seriously, among the people of Israel, there wasn’t anyone better-looking than him. He stood head and shoulders above the rest, no cap!
So, Kish, Saul’s dad, lost his donkeys. And Kish was like, ‘Yo, Saul, grab one of our servants and go find those donkeys, man.’
Saul went all over the place trying to find them—mount Ephraim, then through the land of Shalisha, nada. Then they hit up the land of Shalim, still nothing. Even went through the land of the Benjamites, but zilch.
Finally, when they hit up Zuph, Saul was like, “Yo, servant, let’s just bounce back home. I mean, if we don’t, my dad might stop stressing over the donkeys and start worrying about us.”
Hey fam, check it! There’s this lit dude in town, straight up man of God, you know what I’m saying? He’s totally real, and everything he speaks on, it happens. So, we gotta hit him up, see if he can steer us on the right vibe, ya dig?
So Saul’s like, to his homie, “Bro, if we slide through, what we bringing for the dude? ‘Cause, like, we’re outta bread, and we ain’t got no gift for the man of God. What’s the move, fam? Dead serious.”
And the homie hits Saul back like, “Bet, I got this lil’ chunk of silver, worth like a quarter of a shekel. I’m down to drop it for the man of God to guide us on this journey. It’s right here in my grip, bro.”
Back in Israel, back in the day, when you wanted to tap into God’s wisdom, you’d be like, “Let’s roll to the seer,” ’cause prophets were called seers back then.
Saul’s like, “Word, solid point, bro! Let’s dip.” So they pull up to where the man of God’s at. “Dope call, bro,” Saul says. (That’s like saying, “You’re spitting truth.”)
So, as they’re trekking up the hill into the city, they peep these chill girls heading out to snag some water, and they’re like, “Hey, where’s the seer at?”
And these girls are like, “Oh yeah, he’s right there, ahead of you. Quick, catch him! He just rolled into town today. There’s this big shindig going down at the high spot—think feast or sacrifice, you know the vibes.”
They’re like, “Once you hit the city limits, boom, you’ll see him, before he hits up that fancy restaurant. Folks ain’t touching their grub till he blesses it. So, hustle on up, ’cause he’s there for sure, like, today, no cap.”
So, they hit the city, and as soon as they stroll in, guess who pops out? Samuel slides through, ready to head up to the high spot.
Now, the LORD had whispered to Samuel the day before Saul even showed, and I mean, He straight up said…
“Yo, tomorrow, ’round this time, I’m setting you up with this dude from Benjamin. You’re gonna bless him to lead my squad in Israel, so he can come through for them against those Philistines. I’ve been hearing my people crying out, been keeping tabs.”
So when Samuel peeps Saul, the LORD’s like, “Check it, that’s the dude I was telling you about! He’s gonna hold it down for my crew, take charge and all.”
Saul rolls up to Samuel at the gate and he’s like, “Yo, spill it, where’s the seer’s spot at?”
Samuel was all, “Hey Saul, I’m the seer, man. Let’s head up to the high place and hang out. We’ll grub together today, and tomorrow I’ll fill you in on everything you’ve been wondering about.”
And check it, those donkeys that went missing three days back? They’re back in the game, dude! And guess who’s getting major props from all of Israel? That’s right, you and your whole crew!
Saul’s like, “Hold up, ain’t I from Benjamin, the smallest tribe? And my fam’s the underdogs in Benjamin. So why you hitting me up like that?”
So Samuel rolls with Saul and his crew, brings them into the chill zone, and sets them up with primo seats, surrounded by about 30 cool cats.
“Hey, chef! Serve up that food I gave you and keep it close like I said.”
Then the chef serves up the goods, lays it all out in front of Saul. Samuel’s like, “See, there’s still plenty! Dig in, man, I’ve been saving this for you since I promised everyone a feast.” So Saul and Samuel kick it and grub down that day.
So when they bounced from the high place into the city, Samuel and Saul vibed on the rooftop.
Yeah, they were up at the crack of dawn. Still early AF when Samuel hit up Saul to head up on the roof, all like, “Bro, rise and shine, got some business.” Saul was on it, they dipped outside together.
As they strolled towards the city’s edge, Samuel was like, “Tell your homie to dip first (and he did), but you stay chill here, gotta fill you in on what the Big Man upstairs has to say.”

1 Samuel 10

So Samuel was like, “Hold up,” grabbed some oil, poured it on Saul’s head, gave him a big hug, and dropped this bomb, “Yo, isn’t it ’cause the LORD chose you to lead His squad?”
When you bounce from me today, hit up Rachel’s tomb in Benjamin near Zelzah. There’ll be these two dudes chilling there, and they’re gonna spill the tea that those donkeys you’ve been hunting? Found ’em! But check this, your pops ain’t even tripping about the donkeys no more, he’s straight up freaking out about you! He’s like, “Where’s my kid at? What am I gonna do?”
Then keep it moving, and you’ll slide into Tabor. There, you’ll bump into three dudes on their way to Bethel to vibe with some worship, one’s got three baby goats, another’s got three loaves of bread, and the third’s got a bottle of wine.
They’ll be like, “Hey, what’s good?” and toss you two loaves of bread, which you should totally accept. It’s all about spreading that friendly love, you feel?
So, after you hit up the hill of God, you’ll stumble upon the Philistine crew posted there. And as you roll into the city, you’ll catch this group of prophets coming down from the high spot with their musical game strong – they’ve got a psaltery, a tabret, a pipe, and a harp – and they’re about to lay down some serious prophetic beats, you dig?
And then, like, the LORD’s vibe will just hit you hard, and you’ll start speaking truths like there’s no tomorrow, and you’ll totally glow up into a whole new vibe.
Yo, when you peep all these signs going down, just go with your gut, ’cause God’s got your back. (And remember, these signs are gonna happen, so just do you.)
So, like, first stop is Gilgal, and guess what? I’ll slide through later for some lit offerings and peace vibes. Just chill there for a week until I roll up and fill you in.
So, like, after Samuel bounced, God totally switched things up in his heart, and all those crazy signs went off. Dude’s heart went from zero to a hundred real quick, you feel?
So, like, when they hit the hill, guess who was waiting? A dope squad of prophets. And then, BAM! God’s vibe just descended on him, and he started dropping some mad wisdom among them.
So, when Saul’s homies peeped him prophesying with the squad, they were shook! They were all like, “Hold up, is Saul, Kish’s kid, vibing with the prophets now?”
Then this one person piped up like, “But yo, who’s his pops though?” And that’s how the phrase got started, like, “Is Saul, like, a prophet now or what?” #deepthoughts
And after dropping his prophecy bomb, he dipped to the lit spot.
Saul’s uncle was like, “Where y’all headed?” And Saul was like, “Hunting for those donkeys. When they ghosted, we hit up Samuel.”
Saul’s uncle was all, “Spill the tea, what did Samuel say?”
So Saul spilled, “Bro, he just said the donkeys are found. But he kept tight-lipped about the whole king gig.”
So Samuel hit up everyone like, ‘Let’s link up with the Most High in Mizpeh.’
And God was like, ‘Listen up, Israel crew. Here’s the word from the LORD, the God of Israel: I totally pulled you outta Egypt, saved you from those Egyptian vibes, and broke you free from all those shady kingdoms that had you down.’
And yo, real talk, you messed up big time. You straight up dissed your God, who came through for you when times were rough. And what did you do? You were like, ‘Nah, we want a king instead.’ So, here’s the deal: gather your squads, your tribes, and the crews within those tribes, and get ready to square up with the LORD.
So, Samuel got the whole squad from the Israel tribes, and boom, it was Benjamin’s crew that got picked.
So, when the leaders rounded up the Benjamin crew, they pinpointed Matri’s crew. And guess who was in the mix? Saul, Kish’s son! But hold up, when they went looking for him, dude was MIA.
So, they hit up the LORD, you know, asking if the dude was gonna roll through. And the LORD was like, ‘Yo, check it, he’s chilling among the gear.’
So they hustled and brought him over, and when he stood there in the mix, he was towering above everyone else from his shoulders up.
Samuel was like, “Yo fam, peep the one the LORD’s chosen. Ain’t nobody else as dope as him!” Everyone went wild, chanting, “Long live the king!”
Then Samuel was like, “Aight fam, here’s the lowdown on the kingdom,” and he wrote it all in a book and set it before the LORD. Then he was like, “Catch y’all later, I’m out! Back to your own spots, everyone.”
Saul was like, “I’m jetting back to Gibeah, yo!” And he rolled with his squad, you know, a crew of guys whose hearts God had touched.
But them haters were like, “How’s this dude gonna save us?” They looked down on him, didn’t bring any gifts. But he stayed cool, acting like he didn’t even hear them.

1 Samuel 11

So, there’s this dude Nahash, reppin’ the Ammonites, and he’s all about flexin’ on Jabeshgilead with his squad, ready to bring ’em down. But the Jabesh crew’s like, ‘Hold up! Let’s make a deal, Nahash. We’ll serve you if you cut us some slack.’
Nahash, straight up, is like, ‘Listen up – I’ll cut you a deal, but first, you gotta let me blind all of you on the right side. Then, I’ll use it to diss the whole Israel scene.’
So, the OGs from Jabesh are like, ‘Chill for seven days, okay? We gotta hit up the whole Israel fam and see if anyone’s gonna swoop in and save us. If not, we’ll roll with you.’
These messengers slide into Gibeah of Saul, spillin’ the tea to the peeps. And let me tell ya, everyone’s just straight-up bawling.
Yo, Saul’s coming back from tending to the livestock, and he’s like, ‘Why’s everyone in tears?’ They clue him in on what went down with the Jabesh fam.
When Saul caught wind of what went down, he felt the Spirit of God hit him hard, like, whoa, intense vibes.
So he took a couple of oxen and straight-up sliced them into bits. Then he had his crew send those pieces all over Israel. And he was all like, ‘Yo, if you ain’t rolling with Saul and Samuel, your oxen are next in line for this treatment.’ That’s when everyone started feeling the fear of the Lord, and they all came together, totally unified.
So, when they did a headcount in Bezek, there were like 300k Israelites and, you know, 30k dudes from Judah.
And they told the messengers, like, yo, go tell the dudes in Jabeshgilead, tomorrow when the sun’s blazing, we’re bringing some backup, okay? So the messengers went and dropped the message with the guys in Jabesh, and they were pumped, man.
So the Jabesh crew were like, ‘Tomorrow, we’re rolling out and you can hit us up with whatever plan you’ve got.’
So the next day, Saul split his squad into three crews. They snuck into the enemy’s turf at the crack of dawn and went head to head with the Ammonites until it got scorching hot. By the end, the Ammonites were scattered, and only two were left standing.
Then the people were like, ‘Yo, Samuel, who’s the hater saying Saul shouldn’t be our king? Bring them here so we can lay down some justice.’
But Saul was like, nobody’s getting dealt with today because the Lord came through big time for Israel and saved us!
So Samuel was like, Alright, let’s dip to Gilgal and give the kingdom a major upgrade over there.
Then they all gathered at Gilgal, and they crowned Saul as king before the LORD. They threw down some peace offerings to the LORD, and Saul and all the Israelite crew were hyped about it.

1 Samuel 12

Yo, peeps, check it! Samuel’s like, ‘Fam, I heard ya, so I hooked you up with a king!’
Yo, peep this: The king’s right here, see? And, yo, I’ve been in the game since day one, gray hairs and all. My kids are with you, been grinding since forever.
Listen up! Swearing by God and His chosen leader here: I never jacked anyone’s stuff, never hustled or played dirty, never took bribes to look the other way. If I did, I’d fix it up real quick. No shady deals, I got you!
And they’re like, ‘Nah, you’re legit, haven’t pulled any funny business.’
And I’m like, yo, the LORD knows, and His chosen one knows, I’m clean. They’re like, word, dude’s got receipts.
Samuel’s like, ‘Yo, it was the LORD who raised up Moses and Aaron, led your ancestors outta Egypt.’
Hold up, let’s talk about all the dope stuff the LORD did for you and your fam, in front of Him, #blessed.
When Jacob hit Egypt and your parents cried out, the LORD sent Moses and Aaron, saved your fam from Egypt, settled them here.
But when they spaced out on the big man upstairs, Sisera from Hazor, the Philistines, Moab’s king – they came at ’em full force.
So they’re like, ‘My bad, we ditched the LORD, worshipped other gods. Save us, we’ll stick to you.’
So God’s like, ‘Yo, Jerubbaal, Bedan, Jephthah, Samuel, go handle biz, save my crew.’ And y’all chilled, enemies bounced.
So when Nahash, king of the Ammonites, rolled up, y’all were like, ‘Nah, we want a king like other nations, not the LORD.’
Peep this, fam! The king you’re hyped about? The LORD made him happen.
If you stay loyal, do what the LORD says, both you and your king will stay blessed.
But if you front on the LORD’s commands, He’ll front on you, just like your ancestors.
So, peep this epic move the LORD’s about to pull.
It’s wheat harvest, right? I’m hitting up the big man upstairs, sending thunder and rain so you see your mess, asking for a king.
Samuel hit up God, who sent thunder and rain. Everyone shook.
So they’re like, ‘Sam, pray to your God, we don’t wanna die. We messed up asking for a king.’
Samuel’s like, chill, keep it real with the LORD, stay loyal.
Don’t chase useless stuff, it’s empty.
The LORD’s not ditching you, He’s about that rep, stoked on you.
I wouldn’t diss the LORD by not praying for you. I got your back.
Show mad respect, serve the LORD, remember His dope deeds.
Keep messing up, you and your king facing consequences.

1 Samuel 13

So Saul was like king for a year, then he bossed over Israel for two more. Total power move, you feel?
Saul was all, “Yo, I’m picking three thousand of Israel’s best.” Two thou rolled with him to Michmash and mount Bethel, while Jonathan led a squad of a thou in Gibeah of Benjamin. The rest chilled at their own spots.
Jonathan straight up wrecked the Philistines in Geba, and when word got out, Saul blasted a sick trumpet. He was all, “Yo, Hebrews, listen up!”
So, like, word spread through Israel about Saul owning the Philistines, and they were majorly ticked off. Everyone rallied at Gilgal to back Saul. Big deal vibes, you know?
The Philistines, they were all, “Let’s totally wreck Israel.” They had thirty thousand chariots, six thousand horsemen, and troops like the beach’s sand. They camped in Michmash, east of Bethaven.
When Israel peeped the scene and realized it was gnarly (cue freak-out), they straight up dipped, hiding in caves, bushes, rocks, high spots, even pits.
Some Hebrews bounced to Gad and Gilead across Jordan. Saul stayed in Gilgal with his shook squad in tow. (And by “tow,” I mean trembling, you dig?)
He waited a week, as Samuel said, but Samuel ghosted Gilgal. Everyone split, leaving Saul solo.
So Saul was like, “Bring me burnt offerings and peace offerings.” And he made the burnt offerings.
Right after, guess who showed? Samuel. Saul met him, showing respect. (Salute means bless, FYI.)
Samuel was all, “Dude, what’d you do?” Saul’s like, “Well, everyone ditched me, you were late, plus the Philistines were mobbing Michmash.
So, I saw the Philistines coming, and I hadn’t prayed to the LORD. I felt I had to do something, so I made a burnt offering, you know, asking for help. It’s about seeking His favor, you feel?
Samuel’s like, “Bro, you messed up. You didn’t follow God’s command. If you did, He’d hook you up with an everlasting kingdom. Major bummer, dude.”
But your kingdom’s toast, dude. God found a dude vibing with Him, giving him captain over His people ’cause you didn’t listen.
Samuel bounced to Gibeah of Benjamin. Saul counted his crew, about 600 bros.
Saul and Jonathan posted in Gibeah of Benjamin, while Philistines camped in Michmash.
Haters rolled from Philistine camp in three groups: one to Ophrah, Shual’s land.
Another to Bethhoron, and one overlooking Zeboim’s valley, facing the wilderness.
No blacksmiths in Israel ’cause Philistines were like, “Nope, no weapons for Hebrews.”
But Israelites flexed their own tools, sharpening share, coulter, axe, and mattock.
They had mattocks, coulters, forks, axes, goads. Goads were like a file, worth a third of a shekel.
In the battle, no one, I mean NO ONE, had a sword or spear, except Saul and Jonathan. They came prepared.
Philistine squad hit Michmash. (Garrison: standing camp)

1 Samuel 14

So, one day, Jonathan, Saul’s son, was like, “Dude, let’s sneak over to the Philistines’ turf on the low, but let’s keep it on the DL from my pops.”
Saul was posted up in Gibeah, chilling under this dope pomegranate tree in Migron, with, like, around six hundred of his crew.
Ahiah, Ahitub’s kid, Ichabod’s bro, Phinehas’ grandson, and Eli’s great-grandson, was holding it down as the LORD’s priest in Shiloh, flexing his ephod. Peeps didn’t even clock that Jonathan had dipped. (Ahiah, aka Ahimelech)
So, there were these straight-up rugged rocks flanking the passage Jonathan was trying to slip through to get to the Philistines’ crib. One rock was Bozez, and the other was Seneh.
One was up north near Michmash, while the other was down south near Gibeah. (BTW, in the OG Hebrew, ‘forefront’ could also mean ‘tooth’.)
Jonathan turned to his dude holding his swag armor and was like, “Ayy, let’s slide up to those uncircumcised dudes at the garrison. Maybe the big man upstairs will flex for us, no cap. The Lord doesn’t need a massive squad to save us, just a few real ones.”
His homie was like, “Bet, do you, bro. I got your six. I’m ride or die, just like you.”
Jonathan was like, “Check it, we’re gonna slide up on those dudes and show ’em what’s up.”
If they’re like, “Yo, just chill here, we’ll come to you,” then we’re holding our ground.
But if they’re like, “Come at us, bro,” then we’re like, “Let’s do this!” ‘Cause, you know, the Lord totally got our backs. That’s our green light, ya feel?
So, they got peeped by the Philistines’ squad, and the Philistines were like, “Yo, these Hebrew cats are peacing out of their hiding spots!”
Jonathan and his homie with the sick armor were talking to the enemy squad, and they’re like, “Yo, come up here, we got something to show you!” And Jonathan’s like, “Bro, come with me. God’s got this, dude!”
Jonathan straight-up Spider-Manned it, crawling on his hands and feet, with his trusty armorbearer right behind him. They straight-up dominated the enemy, with Jonathan taking the lead and his homie finishing the job.
Jonathan and his bro went off and owned like 20 dudes in this tight spot, yo! It’s like, you could fit half a freaking football field in there. Just picture it, enough room for a couple of oxen to break ground. Crazy, right?!
Everyone was shook – the soldiers, the scouts, the people. They were all trembling in fear as the ground shook with a serious vibe. It was next-level intense, you know? Divine-level trembling, straight from God.
Saul’s guards in Gibeah of Benjamin were watching, and they saw the whole scene, and, oh my days, they saw the crowd freaking out and just started going at each other!
So, Saul’s like, “Yo, squad! Check who’s missing.” After they counted up, they realized Jonathan and his armor-bearing homie were MIA.
Saul’s like, “Ahiah, bring over God’s ark. It’s with the Israel fam RN.”
While Saul was vibing with the priest, the chaos in the Philistine camp kept escalating. Saul’s like, “Hold up, pause what you’re doing.”
So Saul and his crew suited up and went into battle. And, yo, everyone ended up turning on each other, like, it was straight-up madness. A major L, no cap.
Also, those Hebrews who were hanging with the Philistines before, they switched sides and rolled with Saul and Jonathan. They’re like, “Nah, we ride with Israel now!”
And all the Israelites who were hiding out in mount Ephraim, when they heard the Philistines bounced, they straight-up chased after them.
And the Lord came through for Israel that day, you know? The battle shifted over to Bethaven.
The Israelite dudes were so bummed that day: Saul’s like, “Yo, fam, if anyone eats anything before evening, they’re cursed. I gotta get back at my enemies!” So, like, no one even touched a crumb.
Everyone in the land went to a grove, and there was honey on the ground.
So, when the squad entered the forest, they saw honey just dripping, but none of them dared to taste it, ’cause they were sticking to that solemn promise they made.
But Jonathan didn’t catch that oath his dad made everyone swear. So he dipped his rod into a honeycomb, tasted it, and suddenly felt super awake and alert.
Then someone from the crew’s like, “Dude, your dad was dead serious when he made us swear not to eat anything today. Any dude who munches on grub is in deep trouble.” And let me tell you, the squad was dead beat and starving.
So Jonathan’s like, “Yo, my dad messed up big time, but check it, I’m wide awake now ’cause of this honey.”
Bro, imagine if the squad went all out and feasted on the loot they took from the enemies today. Like, seriously, it would’ve been chaos for the Philistines, no cap.
So, like, they totally beat up the Philistines that day, from Michmash to Aijalon, and the people were, like, super exhausted, you know?
So the people totally went for the loot and grabbed some sheep, oxen, and calves, and straight up killed ’em on the ground. And then they just went ahead and ate ’em, like, with the blood and all, which was so not cool.
So, they came to Saul and were like, ‘Dude, the people are totally sinning against the LORD by eating meat with blood in it.’ And Saul was like, ‘Wow, you guys really messed up. Bring me a big ol’ stone right now.’
So Saul was like, guys, go and spread out among the people, and tell them to grab their own cows and sheep and slaughter them here and have a feast. But yo, don’t mess up and go against the LORD by eating the meat with blood. And all the people brought their own cows that night and killed them right then and there.
So Saul was like, yo, I gotta show some love to the LORD, and he straight up built an altar. This was the very first time he did that to honor the LORD, you know what I’m sayin’? Like, that was the start of it all, ya feel me?
So, Saul was like, ‘Hey, let’s sneak up on the Philistines tonight and raid them until morning. We can’t let any of them escape!’ And everyone was like, ‘Sure, do whatever you think is best.’ Then the priest was like, ‘Let’s come closer to God and seek His guidance.’
So Saul was like, yo God, should I chase after the Philistines? Can we get the victory, fam? But God didn’t answer him that day. Dang.
Yo, listen up y’all, Saul called all the big shots over here! Let’s find out what went down and where this sin went down today, you feel me?
Swear on God, the one who saves Israel, that even if it’s Jonathan my son, he’s gonna die for sure. But no one from the whole crowd had the guts to respond.
So Saul told all the peeps of Israel, ‘Y’all stand over there, while me and my son Jonathan chill on this side.’ And the people were like, Saull, whatever you think is lit, we got your back.’
So Saul was like, ‘Yo, God of Israel, can you give us a sign to find out who’s innocent?’ And Saul and Jonathan were chosen, but the rest of the people were like, ‘Nah, we out.’
So Saul was like, let’s flip a coin to decide between me and my son Jonathan. And guess what? Jonathan was the chosen one!
So Saul was like, ‘Yo Jonathan, spill the beans. What did you do?’ And Jonathan was like, ‘Well, I just had a tiny bit of honey with the rod I was holding, and now it’s like I’m toast, fam.’
Saul was like, OMG, you’re gonna die, Jonathan! May God seriously punish you even harder! 😱
And the people were like, bro, are you seriously gonna let Jonathan die? He literally saved our whole nation! No way, man! I swear to the Almighty, not a single strand of his hair will touch the ground! He totally had God on his side today. So the people stepped in and made sure Jonathan didn’t bite the dust.
So Saul dipped from chasing the Philistines, and the Philistines dipped back to their spot.
So Saul totally took over the kingdom of Israel and like, straight up battled against all his enemies from every direction. He went head to head with Moab, the kids from Ammon, and Edom, as well as the kings of Zobah and the Philistines. I’m telling you, wherever he went, he really gave them a hard time.
So, he got all his squad together and totally wrecked the Amalekites, saving Israel from those jerks who were trying to mess them up. #teamwork #victory
Saul had three sons: Jonathan, Ishui, and Melchishua. He also had two daughters named Merab (the oldest) and Michal (the youngest).
Saul’s wifey’s name was Ahinoam, daughter of Ahimaaz. The boss of his squad was Abner, Ner’s son, who happened to be Saul’s uncle. (Abner, you know: Hebrew name Abiner)
So, Kish was the OG dad of Saul, and Abner’s pops was Ner, who happened to be Abiel’s son.
There was, like, a total war going on against the Philistines during Saul’s reign. And whenever Saul spotted a rad dude with mad strength or awesome combat skills, he’d totally bring him into his crew.

1 Samuel 15

So, Samuel was like, ‘Guys, listen up! The big man upstairs, the LORD, He’s all like, ‘I want you to lead His crew in Israel.’ So, like, pay attention and vibe with what the LORD is saying, you feel me?
So, like, the LORD’s like, totally remembering what went down with Amalek and Israel. You know, how they straight up ambushed Israel when they were coming back from Egypt? Yeah, that’s the scoop.
He’s like, ‘Go and totally wreck Amalek, like, wipe out everything they got. No holding back, seriously, erase everything – dudes, chicks, babies, even their farm animals. Clean slate, no mercy!
So, Saul rounded up the squad in Telaim and counted heads – we had 200K foot soldiers and 10K Judah warriors.
Saul rolled into this town called Amalek and set up camp in the valley.
Saul’s like, ‘Hey Kenites, you gotta bounce from the Amalekites ASAP, unless you wanna get wiped out with them. Remember how you were cool to the Israelites when they left Egypt? Yeah, peace out time.’ And the Kenites were like, ‘We’re outta here!’ and dipped.
So Saul totally wrecked the Amalekites from Havilah to Shur, which is like right across from Egypt.
So, this dude captured Agag, the Amalekite king, and wiped out everyone else with his sword, no survivors.
So, Saul and the crew were like, ‘Nah, let’s not wipe out Agag and all the good stuff – the sheep, the oxen, the fatlings, and the lambs.’ They only destroyed the trashy stuff. You know, the second-rate.
So, like, God hit up Samuel and was like,
‘I’m kinda bummed I made Saul king ’cause he totally flipped and stopped vibing with me. Didn’t even do what I told him. Samuel was mega bummed and cried out to the LORD all night.
So, when Samuel woke up early to meet Saul, word got to him that Saul dipped to Carmel, then bounced around and headed to Gilgal.
Samuel met up with Saul and Saul’s like, ‘Dude, you’re totally blessed by the LORD. I totally nailed following His orders.’
Samuel’s like, ‘Why do I hear sheep baaing and cows mooing? What’s up with that?’
Saul’s like, ‘They brought back the sheep and oxen from the Amalekites. Wanted to offer the best ones to honor the LORD your God, but we wiped out the rest.’
So, Samuel’s like, ‘Hold up, Saul. I gotta spill what the LORD told me last night.’ And Saul’s like, ‘Alright, spill it.’
And Samuel’s like, ‘Remember when you used to think you were nothing? But now you’re leading Israel’s tribes and anointed king by the LORD. Crazy, right?
So, like, the LORD’s like, ‘I’m sending you on a mission. Wipe out those Amalekite sinners. Fight ’em until they’re gone.’
Why didn’t you listen to the LORD, but just went after the loot and did something wrong in His eyes?
Saul’s like, ‘Yeah bro, I followed what the LORD said. Did everything He told me. Went where He sent me, brought back Agag, the king of Amalek, and wiped out the whole crew.’
But the squad snagged some stuff, like sheep and oxen, the top-notch loot that was supposed to be wrecked, to offer as sacrifices to the LORD your God in Gilgal.
Samuel’s like, does God really care about sacrifices as much as He cares about us obeying Him? Seriously, obedience is key for God, not fancy sacrifices.
Being rebellious is like doing dark magic, and being stubborn is like sin and idol worship. Since you rejected the LORD’s word, He’s rejecting you as king too.
Saul’s like, ‘Yo, Samuel, I messed up big time! I went against what the LORD and you said, ’cause I was scared of what others would think. I caved and followed their demands.’
So like, please forgive me, and come back with me so we can worship the LORD.
Samuel’s like, ‘Nah, man, I’m out. ‘Cause you dissed the LORD’s word, and now He’s done with you being king.’
And as Samuel was leaving, his cloak tore.
Samuel’s like, yo, God just snatched the kingdom from you and gave it to someone better.
And God won’t ever change His mind: He’s not like us, He doesn’t regret.
And Saul’s like, ‘I messed up, bro. Can you, like, show me some respect in front of the elders and Israel? Also, come back with me so I can worship your God, man.’
So Samuel went back with Saul, and Saul showed reverence to the LORD.
Samuel’s like, ‘Yo, bring Agag, the king of the Amalekites, here.’ So Agag came, all fancy.
Samuel’s like, ‘Dude, since you made moms lose their kids, your mom won’t have any either.’ And then Samuel cut Agag into pieces in front of the LORD in Gilgal.
So Samuel bounced to Ramah, and Saul went home to Gibeah.
Samuel never saw Saul again until he died. But Samuel felt really sad for him, and God regretted making Saul king.

1 Samuel 16

And God was like, ‘Samuel, why you still down ’bout Saul? I told you, he ain’t gonna be king no more. So, get it together, grab some oil, and hit up Jesse from Bethlehem. I got one of his sons lined up to be the next king, so go peep them out.’
Samuel was like, ‘How can I even go? If Saul catches wind, he’ll straight up wreck me.’ But then the LORD was like, ‘Just grab a cow and say you’re off to make a sacrifice. Easy peasy.’
And hit up Jesse to hang, and I’ll show you what’s good: you gotta bless the one I choose with that anointing.
So, Samuel did just what the LORD said and rolled to Bethlehem. When the elders saw him, they got all jittery and asked, ‘Yo, you here to make peace or what?’ (By the way, ‘coming’ in Hebrew is like ‘meeting’.)
And he was like, ‘Chill, fam. I’m here to make a sacrifice to the LORD, so y’all better get ready and roll with me.’ So he made Jesse and his sons all holy and brought them along.
So, when they showed, he checked out Eliab and was like, for sure, this dude’s the one. (Eliab is also called Elihu, just so you know.)
But God was like, ‘Yo, Samuel, don’t judge by the looks, ’cause I’ve already said nah to him. People may only care ’bout what’s on the outside, but I see the heart, and that’s what’s real.’
So Jesse called Abinadab, but the LORD didn’t pick him.
So Jesse had Shammah come, but the LORD passed on him too. (Shammah was also known as Shimeah or Shimma.)
So, Jesse lined up all seven, but Samuel was like, ‘Yo, the LORD ain’t feeling any of these dudes.’
Samuel was like, ‘Yo, Jesse, you got more kids?’ Jesse was like, ‘Yeah, the youngest, he’s just chilling with the sheep.’ Samuel was like, ‘Go fetch him, we ain’t starting till he’s here.’
So he brought him in. And let me tell you, this dude was good-looking with a nice face. The LORD was like, ‘Yo, anoint him, ’cause he’s the one.’
So Samuel poured oil on David in front of his bros, and from that moment, the Spirit of the LORD was with David. Then Samuel dipped, heading to Ramah.
Then, like, the LORD’s Spirit left Saul, and this wicked spirit from the LORD started messing with him. It was terrifying, you know?
Saul’s homies were like, ‘Yo, Saul! There’s this wicked spirit bugging you, straight from upstairs!’
Yo, our lord should totally get a sick musician who can rock the harp. Trust, when you start feeling down, this musician will jam and you’ll feel better.
So Saul was like, ‘Servants, find me a talented dude who can play some sick tunes.’
Yo, one servant was like, ‘I know this guy David, Jesse’s son from Bethlehem. He’s a pro at music, brave in battles, smart with words, good-looking, and you know what? The Lord’s got his back, man.’
So Saul DM’d Jesse like, ‘Send me your son David.’
So Jesse hooked David up with bread, wine, and a young goat and sent him to Saul.
So David went up to Saul and they totally clicked. Saul was vibing with David, and David became Saul’s personal armor dude.
Saul hit up Jesse like, ‘Tell David to come chill with me, I’m vibin’ with him.’
So, there was this time when Saul was troubled, and David, being the genius he is, whipped out his harp and started playing. It worked, bro! Saul instantly felt better, the evil spirit bounced, and David scored a major power move!

1 Samuel 17

So, like, the Philistines were totally gearing up for a face-off, assembling their squads at Shochoh, part of Judah. They camped between Shochoh and Azekah, near Ephesdammim. (Ephesdammim is like, this spot by the coast, known as Dammim, aka Pasdammim. Seriously!)
Then Saul and the Israel crew got their act together, setting up camp near the lit valley of Elah, ready to throw down against the Philistines. #BattleModeOn #DavidvsGoliath
So, like, picture this: the Philistines were chilling on one mountain, and Israel on the other, with this valley in between. You feel me?
Yo, there was this mega legend in the Philistines’ squad, Goliath from Gath. This dude was towering, like six cubits and a span high.
He had a sick brass helmet on, decked out in a heavy chainmail suit. The gear weighed a ton, like five thousand shekels of brass! Crazy!
Rocking some dope brass leg armor and a solid brass shield on his back (or, gorget).
His spear was massive, like a giant knitting needle, and its tip weighed six hundred shekels of iron. Plus, he had a shield-bearer leading the way for him.
And he straight up calls out the Israelite crew, like, ‘Why all the fuss? I’m just a Philistine, and y’all followers of Saul? Send someone of your own and let’s settle this.’
If he wins, we’ll be your servants. But if I beat him, then you’ll be our servants, and you better serve us well.
So, the Philistine was like, ‘Yo, I challenge the Israelite armies to send someone here for a one-on-one.’
Saul and the Israel squad were shook when they heard this, scared out of their minds.
So, there’s this dude named David, Jesse’s son from Bethlehemjudah, pretty chill. David had eight brothers and was around during Saul’s reign.
Jesse’s three oldest sons joined Saul in battle. Names? Eliab, Abinadab, and Shammah.
David was the youngest, while the three oldest bros chilled with Saul.
But David bounced to flex on feeding his dad’s sheep in Bethlehem.
So, this Philistine dude kept popping up for a whole 40 days, you know?
Jesse tells David, ‘Take some fire roasted corn and bread to your bros, check on ’em, and get a promise.’
And bring these bomb cheeses to their squad leader and see how they’re doing. [cheeses: like, super fresh milk cheeses] [of…: like, the leader of a thousand]
So, Saul and his crew, along with all the Israel dudes, were chilling in the valley of Elah, facing off against the Philistines.
David leaves early, entrusting his sheep to a caretaker. He follows Jesse’s instructions, heading to the battlefield, pumped for the fight!
Israel and the Philistines were geared up for a serious showdown.
David ditches his stuff with the keeper and joins the army, greeting his bros warmly.
Then this super strong Philistine, Goliath from Gath, shows up, talking smack. And David hears him loud and clear.
When the Israel guys see him, they’re terrified. (Like, he could make you wet your pants.)
Did y’all see this dude dissing Israel? Word is, whoever takes him down gets big rewards from the king. Cash, his daughter’s hand, and freedom for his fam in Israel.
David’s like, guys, listen up! Who’s down to save Israel’s rep and take out this Philistine? Who does he think he is, messing with our God?
The peeps agree, whoever takes him down gets the rewards!
Eliab, the oldest bro, overhears David and gets mad. ‘What are you even doing here? Who’s watching those sheep? I see through you, man. You’re just here to show off.’
David’s like, yo, what’s my crime? Ain’t there a legit reason?
He asks someone else the same question, getting the same response as before.
And when people heard what David said, they spread the word to Saul, and he hit up David to come see him.
“Sup, Saul? No need to stress over that Philistine, I got you! Your boy David’s stepping up, ready to throw down in a fight.”
So, Saul said to David, “Bro, you can’t just go up against this Philistine and throw hands, ’cause let’s be real, you’re just a youngin’, and he’s been grinding as a warrior since forever.”
So David was like, “Listen up, Saul, your boy was just chillin’, looking after his dad’s sheep, when outta nowhere, a lion and a bear rolled up and snatched one of the lambs from the flock. A lamb’s like a baby sheep, BTW. Just so you know. Oh, and ‘kid’ can also mean a young goat. Keeping you in the loop, fam.”
“I went after him, gave him a solid smack, and saved what he took. And when he tried to come at me again, I grabbed his beard and smacked him again, and boom, he was done.”
“I took down the lion and the bear, and this uncircumcised Philistine dude is gonna be just like them. He’s been disrespecting the armies of the Almighty God.”
David was like, “Yo, the LORD who saved me from a lion and bear is gonna save me from this Philistine too.” And Saul was like, “Alright David, do your thing, may the LORD be with you.”
So, Saul hooked David up with some sick gear – threw a dope brass helmet on his head and suited him up with a fresh coat of mail. #Swaggy
David put on the gear, but it wasn’t his vibe. He was like, “Nah, this ain’t it. I gotta test it first.” So David took it off.
He grabbed his staff, scooped up five rad smooth stones from the stream, and stashed them in his shepherd’s bag, you know, like a bag for shepherds; and he had his sling in his other hand too. Then, he approached the Philistine, ready to take him down. (Brook means like a valley and bag means, like, a vessel in Hebrew.)
And the Philistine moved up, with his shield dude in front of him.
When the Philistine peeped David, he straight up dissed him: ’cause he was just a young dude, kinda reddish, with a good-looking face.
And the Philistine was like, “Bro, am I some lowly dog, that you gotta come at me with sticks? Man, the Philistine started cursing David with his gods.”
“Yo David, come at me bro! I’m gonna let the birds and wild animals feast on your flesh!”
So David was like, “Bro, you roll up on me with a sword, a spear, and a shield? Respect. But lemme tell ya, I roll up on you reppin’ the Almighty, the God of Israel’s armies, whom you straight up disrespected.”
“Today, the LORD will hand you over to me. I’ll defeat you and take your head. And I’ll let the corpses of the Philistine army be devoured by birds in the sky and wild animals on the ground. This way, everyone will know that there’s a God in Israel.” (Note: ‘deliver’ means ‘shut you up’ in Hebrew.)
“And like, listen up everyone, just so you know, the LORD doesn’t save using some old school sword and spear, okay? ‘Cause the battle totally belongs to the LORD and he’s totally gonna deliver you into our hands.”
So, when the Philistine got up and started coming towards David, David was like, “Oh snap!” and totally sprinted towards the enemy’s army to confront the Philistine.
David reached into his bag, grabbed a stone, and yeeted it at the Philistine. He hit him right in the forehead, and the stone sunk in. The Philistine face-planted onto the ground.
David totally owned the Philistine using just a sling and a stone; he hit him and killed him. But no swords were in David’s hand.
So David ran up to the Philistine, grabbed his sword, pulled it out, and cut off his head. When the Philistines saw their top dude go down, they got scared and dipped.
So, the Israelites got hyped and started chasing the Philistines, all the way to the valley and the gates of Ekron. And, the injured Philistines were just dropping like flies along the way to Shaaraim, even all the way to Gath and Ekron, man.
The Israelites came back from chasing the Philistines, and they totally raided their tents, yo!
David grabbed the head of the Philistine dude and brought it back to Jerusalem, but he stashed his armor in his tent.
Saul was like, totally blown away when he saw David stepping up to take on the Philistine. He was like, “Yo, Abner, the captain of the squad, who’s this kid?” And Abner was like, “I swear, my king, I have no idea.”
And the king was like, “Yo, find out whose son that young dude is.”
So, imagine this: David comes back from totally owning the Philistine dude, right? And then Abner, this total boss, grabs him and brings him to Saul while he’s holding the Philistine’s head like, “Check this out!”
Saul was like, “Yo dude, whose spawn are you, bro?” And David was all like, “I’m the son of Jesse, your homie from Bethlehem, man.”

1 Samuel 18

So, like, after Saul finished talking, Jonathan’s soul was totally linked with David’s, and he loved him as much as himself.
Saul grabbed him that day and wouldn’t let him leave his dad’s house anymore.
So, Jonathan and David were super tight and made a pact ’cause they loved each other like soulmates and all that jazz.
Jonathan hooked David up, giving him his robe, clothes, sword, bow, and belt.
David was basically Saul’s right-hand man, impressing him with his skills. Saul even made him leader of his army. And everyone, even Saul’s crew, respected him.
So, when David came back after totally slaying the Philistine, all the ladies from different cities in Israel came out to welcome King Saul. They were singing, dancing, jamming on their tabrets, spreading joy, and playing those three-stringed instruments and stuff. How lit is that?
While they were vibing, the ladies started spinning and chanting, “Saul’s smashing thousands, but David’s slaying tens of thousands.”
Saul was hella mad when he heard what people were saying. He was like, “They’re giving David way more credit than me! They’re saying he’s got tens of thousands, and I’ve only got thousands. What else could he want besides the kingdom?”
And Saul was lowkey keeping tabs on David from then on.
The next day, Saul was chilling at home when an evil spirit from God showed up and made him start prophesying. Meanwhile, David was jamming on his instrument like always. Little did he know, Saul had a javelin in his hand.
Then Saul chucked the javelin, aiming to hit David against the wall. But David dodged it twice like a ninja.
Saul was shook of David, ’cause the LORD was on his side while ditching Saul.
So Saul was like, “You’re out!” but then he was like, “But you can lead a thousand now.” And David went out and did his thing, leading the people.
David was low-key smart in everything he did, and God was totally vibing with him. #Blessed
So when Saul realized David was actually pretty smart, he got scared of him.
But all of Israel and Judah were totally vibing with David ’cause he was always there for them, doing his thing and being all cool.
So Saul said to David, “Check it out, I’ve got this older daughter Merab, and I’ll give her to you to marry. Just show some guts for me and fight the battles for the LORD. I don’t wanna be the one to try and hurt you, let the Philistines handle that.”
And David was like, “Bro, who even am I? And seriously, why should I, or my family, be connected with the king as son-in-law? Like, why me, man?”
So, when it was time for Merab, Saul’s daughter, to marry David, she ended up marrying Adriel the Meholathite instead.
But Michal, Saul’s daughter, totally had a major crush on David. And people spilled the tea to Saul, and he was totally cool with it. #Approved
So Saul was like, “Yo, I’ll hook him up with her, to make sure she messes him up and gets him in trouble with the Philistines.” Then Saul tells David, “Bro, you gonna be my son-in-law, no doubt.”
So Saul told his homies, “Talk to David in private and be like, ‘Yo, the king is so stoked on you and all his crew vouch for you, bro. So, like, you should totally become the king’s son-in-law, ya feel?’”
So Saul’s crew went and told David what was up. And David was like, “You really think it’s cool for me to become a king’s son-in-law? I mean, I’m just a nobody, not exactly living the high life.”
So Saul’s squad was like, “Yo, David said this, bro.”
And Saul was like, “Yo, tell David the king’s not after no money or anything, but he wants sweet revenge on those Philistines. He’s like, ‘Bring me a hundred Philistine foreskins to show he means business.’” But low-key, Saul was schemin’, tryna get David messed up by the Philistines.
And when David’s homies told him what went down, he was stoked to become the king’s son-in-law, and it wasn’t even time yet. (Expired means fulfilled, btw)
So David got up and went with his squad, and they took out around two hundred Philistine dudes. And David brought their foreskins and counted them all out for the king, as proof that he was worthy of becoming the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal to be his wife.
Saul peeped the scene and realized that the LORD was vibing with David, and that Michal, Saul’s daughter, was totally into him.
Saul was totally shook by David, majorly afraid! And Saul’s hatred for David just kept growing, like an endless vendetta.
So, the top dudes from the Philistines rolled out, and you won’t believe it, but after they dipped, David totally outsmarted all of Saul’s crew. He became such a legend that everyone thought he was straight-up precious.

1 Samuel 19

So Saul was chatting it up with Jonathan, his son, and all his crew who were down to ride for him, and he was like, ‘Bro, let’s take out David, you know?’
But Jonathan, Saul’s homie and son, was totally vibing with David. He hit up David and was like, ‘Bro, my old man Saul’s on a mission to take you down. So, like, stay low-key till dawn in a secret hideout, alright?’
And I’ll slide up to my dad in the field where you’re posted, and we’ll hash it out about you; and I’ll spill all the deets to you.
So Jonathan was like, ‘Yo, Saul, David’s legit, don’t throw shade at him. He’s done nothing to you and he’s been mad loyal.’
Dude went all out, risking his neck to take down that Philistine champ. And let me tell you, the Big Guy upstairs totally came through for Israel big time! You were there, witnessing the epic win and probably felt hyped as heck! So why even think about doing something so messed up as trying to off David for no reason?
And Saul was like, totally listening to Jonathan, and Saul swore, swear to the Big Guy, that he, like, won’t lay a finger on him. Pinky promise, you feel?
So Jonathan hit up David and spilled all the tea. Then Jonathan brought David to Saul, and they kicked it like old times. #throwback
So there was another epic showdown: and David went out and straight up wrecked the Philistines, taking them down left and right. They couldn’t handle his unstoppable power and bounced, scared outta their minds.
So Saul was chilling at his crib, clutching a javelin, when this bad vibe from the Big Guy hit him. Meanwhile, David was flexing his musical skills.
So Saul was like, trying to hurl a javelin at David, hoping to pin him against the wall or something. But David managed to dodge it and, smooth move, he launched that javelin right into the wall. Then David pulled a disappearing act and slipped away under the cover of darkness.
Saul straight-up sent some goons to David’s crib to keep tabs on him and straight up off him in the morning. And Michal, David’s wifey, spilled the tea and warned him like, ‘If you don’t dip outta here tonight, you’re gonna be toast tomorrow.’
So Michal totally helped David peace out through, like, a window and stuff. And, he, like, bolted and managed to dodge the drama.
So, Michal grabbed a dummy and laid it in the bed. She also used a pillow made of goat hair as a cushion and covered it with a blanket. (teraphim means dummy in Hebrew)
When Saul sent some messages to capture David, she was like, ‘Nah, he’s just feeling under the weather.’
So Saul sent the messengers again to find David, and he said, ‘Bring him to me in bed, so I can take care of him.’
And when the messengers arrived, check it, there was a dummy chilling on the bed, all comfy with a pillow made of goats’ hair as its cushion.
Then Saul was like, dude, why did you deceive me and let my enemy escape? And Michal was like, well, he asked me to let him go, why should I harm you?
So David was like, ‘I’m outta here!’ and he dipped, making a quick getaway to Samuel’s place in Ramah. He spilled all the tea about what Saul had been up to. And then, David and Samuel decided to crash in Naioth.
So, like, someone hit Saul up, they’re like, ‘Yo dude, guess what? David’s kicking it at Naioth in Ramah.’
So Saul messaged some goons to nab David, but when they saw the prophets doing their thing and Samuel leading them, the Holy Spirit hit Saul’s crew and they started prophesying too.
And when Saul heard about it, he sent more messengers, and they got in on the prophecy action too. Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they also started prophesying.
Then he also went to Ramah and found a sweet spot in Sechu. And he asked, ‘Yo, where can I find Samuel and David?’ And someone was like, ‘Bro, they’re chilling at Naioth in Ramah.’
So he went to Naioth in Ramah, and the Spirit of the Big Guy was with him too. He kept on going and started prophesying, all the way to Naioth in Ramah.
So he stripped down and started prophesying in front of Samuel, just like the others. He even stayed stark naked the whole day and night. People started wondering, ‘Is Saul joining the prophecy crew now?’

1 Samuel 20

So David bailed from Naioth in Ramah and rolled up to Jonathan, like, “Yo bro, what’s the scoop? How did I mess up? Like, what did I do to your dad that he’s coming for my life?”
And Jonathan was like, “No way, dude, you ain’t gonna die! Seriously, my pops doesn’t keep anything from me, big or small. So why would he hide this? That’s not his style. No secrets here, man!”
And David was like, “Bro, your dad knows we’re tight. But he’s like, ‘Don’t let Jonathan know or he’ll be bummed.’ But swear to God, or like, swear on your own soul, man, I’m this close to dying.”
“Yo, bro,” Jonathan told David, “whatever you need, I got you. Just say the word, and I’ll make it happen, ya feel?”
So David was like, “Yo Jonathan, listen up. Tomorrow’s the new moon, and I gotta be at the king’s party. But I gotta ghost and lay low in the field till the third day’s evening.”
“If your dad asks about me, just say I begged you to let me bounce to Bethlehem for a family shindig. It’s a big deal, you know!”
“If he’s cool, then we’re golden. But if he’s heated, then you know he’s bringing some serious vibes.”
“So, be cool and show some love, ’cause we’re in this thing with the LORD together. If I messed up, just handle it between us instead of dragging me to your dad. Let’s keep it simple, you know?”
And Jonathan was like, “No way! If I even suspect my dad’s plotting against you, I’ll spill the tea and give you the heads up!”
So David was like, “Yo Jonathan, who’s gonna spill the tea? What if your dad goes all out when you confront him?”
Jonathan was like, “Yo David, let’s dip and chill in the field.” So they bounced and dipped to the field together.
And Jonathan was like, “Yo, God of Israel, if my pops is cool with you when I talk to him, I’ll hit you up and let you know, no cap.”
Yo, may the big man upstairs hook Jonathan up big time, like, seriously bless him with all the good stuff. And if my pops tries to mess with you, I got your back, I’ll hit you up and help you dip so you stay safe. May the man upstairs roll with you, just like He did with my old man. Let me spill the tea and ride with you.
And don’t just be nice to me while I’m still kickin’ it, show me that sweet kindness from the man upstairs, so I don’t end up six feet under:
But for real, always show love to my fam, even when the big man upstairs wipes out all of David’s haters on this Earth.
So Jonathan and David became tight like brothers and made a pact, like a total bro code moment, where Jonathan was like, ‘Bro, if anything happens to me, may the man upstairs deal with my enemies through you, bro.’
And Jonathan made David promise again, ’cause they were tight like that: because he loved him as much as he loved himself.
Yo, David, check it. Jonathan just hit me up, tomorrow’s the new moon, you know what that means? People gonna notice your absence, bro. Your seat’s gonna be empty, and everyone gonna wonder where you at.
After you wait three days, don’t waste time, head down to where we talked about during the important event. Hang tight by the stone Ezel. (Quickly: or you can say diligently: Hebrew: greatly) (When the…: Hebrew: on the day of the event) (Ezel: or the one that shows the way)
And I’ll shoot like three arrows, straight up, like I’m aiming for a target or something.
Yo, listen up! I’ll send a dude to get the arrows. If I tell him, ‘Bro, the arrows are right there, grab ’em,’ then you better come back pronto. No harm, I swear to the LORD.
But if I tell him, ‘Nah man, the arrows are further out,’ then you best believe the LORD is sending you on your way.
And about what we talked about, you gotta know, the man upstairs got our backs, now and forever.
So David dipped out into the field, and when the new moon vibes hit, the king kicked back and chowed down on some epic food.
So, the king was chillin’ on his throne, you know, doing his thing, sittin’ by the wall. Jonathan got up, and Abner sat next to Saul, but David’s spot was totally empty.
But Saul didn’t say nothing ’cause he thought, something’s off with him, he’s not chill, definitely not chill.
The next day, which was the second day of the month, David was still nowhere to be seen, and Saul asked his son Jonathan, ‘Why isn’t Jesse’s kid here for dinner, not yesterday or today?’
So Saul hit up Jonathan and David was like, ‘Yo, can I bounce to Bethlehem?’
So, dude was like, “Hey, can I jet real quick? My fam’s throwing down a lit sacrifice in the city, and my bro straight up said I gotta be there. So, if you’re cool with it, can I dip out and chill with my homies? That’s why I ain’t showing up to the king’s table.”
Saul got super mad at Jonathan and was like, “Bro, you’re stirring up trouble! I totally know you’re low-key backing Jesse’s kid, and it’s making things awk for you and your fam. You can’t hide it!”
Saul was all, “As long as Jesse’s kid is alive, you ain’t getting any power or your own kingdom. So hurry up and bring him to me, ’cause he’s basically a ticking time bomb!”
Jonathan was like, “Dude, why you wanna off him? What’s he even done?”
So, Saul straight-up chucked a javelin at David, trying to take him out. And Jonathan knew his dad was dead-set on killing David.
So Jonathan was mad AF and didn’t touch a bite on the second day of the month ’cause he was mega upset about how his dad treated David and embarrassed him.
Next morning, Jonathan linked up with David in the field as planned, and they had a young dude with them.
He was like, “Yo, bro, go fetch the arrows I’m about to shoot.” And while the dude dashed, Jonathan shot an arrow way past him.
When the guy reached where the arrow landed, Jonathan shouted, “Isn’t the arrow past you?”
Jonathan yelled, “Hurry, don’t stop!” And his guy grabbed the arrows and bounced back to his boss.
But the dude was clueless, man. Only Jonathan and David were in on it.
So Jonathan passed his gear to his buddy and said, “Yo, take these to the city.”
After the dude split, David got up, bowed three times, then they hugged and shed some tears, with David crying the most.
Jonathan was like, “Later, David. We’ve made a real pact with the Lord. We promised God’s got our backs and those of our descendants.”
Then Jonathan bounced, heading back into the city.

1 Samuel 21

So David hit up Nob, where Ahimelech the priest was posted. Ahimelech freaked a bit when he spotted David and was like, ‘What’s the sitch, bro? Why you rollin’ solo? Where’s your crew at?’ (BTW, Ahimelech also goes by Ahiah)
David was like, “Yo, Ahimelech, man, the king’s got me on some hush-hush mission, can’t spill the deets or where I’m headed. And yeah, sent my squad on a specific errand.”
So, like, what’s in your stash right now? Can you slide me five loaves of bread? Or whatever you got on hand. Found anything?
Ah, the priest was like, ‘Dude, only got holy bread here, no regular stuff. But you can snag it only if your squad’s been keepin’ it clean with the ladies.’
Priest asked David what’s good, and David was like, ‘For real, bro, we’ve been on a lady lockdown for like three days now. Since I dipped, the homies been on a spiritual cleanse, and the bread’s just regular, you know? Even if it’s holy bread now, it’s chill.’
So the priest hooked him up with that sacred bread ’cause no other bread was around, just the holy one that was swiped from the LORD’s presence. They switched it out with fresh bread once it was taken away.
There’s this dude, one of Saul’s crew, posted up there, chilling with the LORD. Name’s Doeg, an Edomite, top dog among Saul’s herdsmen.
David was like, ‘Yo, Ahimelech, got a spare spear or sword? Totally spaced mine, rushed out for a royal gig.’
The priest was like, ‘Check it, David! Got Goliath’s sword right here, man! Remember when you took him down in the Elah Valley? Wrapped up cozy behind the ephod. It’s all yours if you want. No other sword like it.’ David was like, ‘No doubt, dude! This is it. Hook it up, please.’
So David was like, ‘Nah, peace out!’ and dipped ’cause Saul had him shook. Ended up at Achish’s, king of Gath.
Achish’s crew was like, ‘Yo, ain’t this David, big boss of the whole region? Heard he’s bagged thousands while Saul’s just got a few under his belt.’
David heard that and started stressin’ about Achish, king of Gath.
So he starts acting wild, playin’ the madman, scratchin’ at the gate doors, even droolin’ on his beard. Serious theatrics, you feel?
Achish was like, ‘Yo, what’s with this loco dude? Why’d you bring him here?’
Do I really need these crazy cats you brought here, actin’ all loony in my face? You really think I’m gonna let this dude in my crib?

1 Samuel 22

So David jetted outta there and hit up this rad cave called Adullam. And guess what? When his squad and his whole fam caught wind, they were like, ‘Bro, let’s roll with him down there.’
And all those who were struggling, in debt, or just not feeling it, they all linked up with him. He became their main dude, and he had about four hundred homies backing him. (Just so you know, ‘in debt’ means owing someone cash, and ‘not feeling it’ means feeling super down.)
So David cruised over to Mizpeh of Moab and he’s like, ‘Yo, king of Moab, can you hook up my parents with a place to crash? I gotta figure out what God’s got lined up for me.’
And he took them to the king of Moab, and they hung with him while David was posted in the fortress.
So, like, this prophet guy named Gad hits up David, ‘Bro, don’t just chill here. Go, like, head over to Judah.’ And guess what? David’s like, ‘Cool, cool,’ and he dips to this forest called Hareth.
When Saul heard David and his crew were found, Saul was just chilling in Gibeah, posted up under a tree in Ramah. He had his spear in hand, and all his crew were kicking it around him, you know?
So, Saul turns to his crew and says, ‘Listen up, Benji fam! Do you really think Jesse’s kid is gonna hook y’all up with some sweet land and vineyards, and make all y’all big shots leading thousands and hundreds?’
Seriously though, y’all plotting against me and not a single one of you telling me my own son is tight with Jesse’s son? And none of y’all even feel bad or give me a heads up that my son is teaming up against me? Can’t someone spill the tea and let me know what’s really going on here?
So Doeg the Edomite, who was in charge of Saul’s squad, pipes up saying, ‘Yo, I saw Jesse’s kid rollin’ up to Nob to see Ahimelech, the son of Ahitub.’
So Saul asked the LORD about it, gave him some grub, and passed him Goliath’s sword.
So the king hit up Ahimelech the priest, son of Ahitub, and all his crew from his dad’s place, the priests in Nob. And they all showed up to vibe with the king.
Saul was like, ‘Yo, what’s up, son of Ahitub?’ And the dude was like, ‘Sup, my lord.’ (Yeah, he really said ‘behold me’ 😉)
Saul was like, ‘Why you and Jesse’s son conspiring against me? You hooked him up with food, a weapon, and even asked God for him, so he could go against me today? Like, what’s up with that?’
And Ahimelech was like, ‘Yo king, David’s the most loyal dude ever. He’s the king’s son-in-law, does whatever you say, and he’s mad respected in the kingdom, man.’
Like, did I even ask God about this guy? Nah, dude! Don’t even think of blaming me, the king, or anyone in my family for any of this. I seriously had no clue, whether it was a big deal or not. Seriously.
And the king was like, ‘Ahimelech, you’re toast, seriously, you and your whole fam.’
Then the king told his crew to go after the LORD’s priests because they were on David’s side and knew about his escape, but didn’t tell me. But the king’s crew refused.
Then the king was like, ‘Yo, Doeg, go and attack the priests, fam.’ So Doeg the Edomite went for it, taking down eighty-five people, all looking fresh in their linen threads, ya know?
Then he straight up destroyed Nob, the city where the priests lived. He went all out, no mercy, attacking men, women, children, babies, and even the livestock like oxen, donkeys, and sheep.
So Abiathar, Ahimelech’s son, managed to escape and link up with David.
Abiathar told David that Saul wiped out the priests of the LORD.
And David was like, ‘Yo Abiathar, I knew Doeg the Edomite would snitch to Saul. I basically caused the deaths of everyone in your fam.’
Stick with me, don’t stress: anyone after me is after you too, but as long as you’re with me, you’re protected.

1 Samuel 23

So, like, this dude runs up to David, all hyped, and he’s like, ‘Bro, guess what? The Philistines are totally crashing Keilah and jacking all the grain!’
So David hits up the LORD and goes, ‘Hey, should I go and wreck these Philistines?’ And the LORD is like, ‘Yeah, go ahead and handle them, and while you’re at it, save Keilah.’
David’s crew is like, bro, we’re legit scared here in Judah. Imagine how much worse it’ll be if we roll up to Keilah to face those Philistine armies, yo?
So David checks back with the LORD. And the LORD’s like, ‘Get up, head over to Keilah, ’cause I’m giving you the Philistines.’
So David and his squad roll up to Keilah, straight up throwing down with the Philistines, raiding their livestock, and wiping them out. David totally comes through and saves the crew in Keilah.
Then, Abiathar, Ahimelech’s son, makes a dash to David in Keilah, holding this sick ephod, fam.
Saul finds out that David’s in Keilah. And Saul’s like, God totally delivered him to me! He’s trapped, hiding in this town with gates and bars.
So Saul gathers everyone for battle, heading to Keilah to trap David and his crew.
David hears Saul’s lowkey plotting against him; so he tells Abiathar the priest, yo bring me the ephod, ASAP.
David’s like, ‘Hey, LORD, God of Israel! Your boy heard that Saul’s planning to roll up to Keilah and wreck the whole city just to get at me, seriously?!
Are those Keilah dudes gonna rat me out to Saul? Is Saul really gonna roll up like I’ve been hearing? Yo, LORD God of Israel, I’m begging you, fill me in.’ And the LORD’s like, Yeah, he’s coming.
So David’s like, yo, are the people of Keilah gonna sell me and my squad out to Saul? And the LORD’s like, yeah, they totally gonna do it. 🙅‍♂️🤷‍♂️
So David and his squad, about six hundred of them, dip from Keilah and bounce wherever they could. Word gets to Saul that David’s outta there, and he decides not to chase him down.
David’s out in the wild, chilling in some fortified spots, posted up on a mountain in the Ziph wilderness. And guess what? Saul’s on his tail, searching for him every frickin’ day. But God ain’t lettin’ Saul catch him, straight up.
So David peeps that Saul’s out here, tryna take him down: and David’s low-key chillin’ in the middle of nowhere, camping in the woods.
Then Jonathan, Saul’s son, bounced over to David in the woods, hyping him up and boosting his faith in God.
And he was like, “Chill, dude. My old man Saul ain’t gonna catch you. You’re gonna be the king of Israel, and I’ll be right there backing you up. Even my dad Saul knows what’s up.”
So, these two homies made a pact before the LORD: David stayed low-key in the woods while Jonathan jetted back home.
Meanwhile, the Ziphites hit up Saul in Gibeah, whispering, “Yo, isn’t David posted with us in these sick hideouts in the woods, on that lit hill called Hachilah, down south in Jeshimon? You know, that wilderness spot.”
“Hey, King! If you’re down to roll through, we’ll hand him over to you, no sweat.”
Saul was like, “Dudes, you’re blessed by the LORD for having my back.”
“Hey, can you do me a solid? Find out where this guy’s chilling, who’s been seeing him, and what he’s been up to. Dude’s been slick, so I need the scoop. Thanks!”
“So, scope out all his spots and get the intel. Hit me up when you’re done, and I’ll join the search. And listen, if he’s still around, I’ll turn Judah upside down to find him.”
So they dipped to Ziph before Saul, while David and his crew kicked it in the wilderness of Maon, down south by Jeshimon.
Saul and his squad went hunting. They found out David was posted in a secluded spot in the wilds of Maon. Saul started chasing David in the wilderness.
Saul went one way, while David and his crew went the other. David booked it, scared of Saul. Saul’s squad closed in on David, aiming to bag him.
A messenger hit up Saul’s DMs like, “Yo, Philistines crashed our party. Hurry up!”
Saul ditched chasing David to deal with the Philistines. They named that place Selahammahlekoth (which means The rock of divisions).
David dipped and crashed in some rad hideouts in Engedi.

1 Samuel 24

So, when Saul came back from chasing the Philistines, he heard that David was hanging out in the wilderness of Engedi. Just thought you should know, fam. #chillin
Saul rounded up three thousand top-notch peeps from all over Israel to hunt down David and his crew in the rocky hangout of those wild goats.
So, like, he stumbled upon this sheepcotes spot, and there was a cave nearby. Saul decided to take a breather inside, while David and his crew chilled on the outskirts.
David’s squad was like, ‘Remember when the LORD said He’d deliver your enemy to you, so you could do your thing?’ David was like, ‘Bet!’ and snuck up on Saul, cutting off a piece of his robe on the low. (Just FYI, it was Saul’s robe, in case you’re wondering.)
So, basically, after the Saul incident, David felt super guilty ’cause he’d totally snipped Saul’s clothing.
He was like, no way am I gonna do that to my boss, the chosen one of the big man upstairs. Like, I ain’t about to touch him ’cause he’s basically chosen by the big man himself. No chance, bro.
So David told his crew to chill and not attack Saul. Saul bounced out of the cave and peaced out.
David stepped out of the cave, called out to Saul like, ‘Yo, my dude, the king!’ When Saul turned around, David humbly bowed down, like, face to the ground.
David was like, ‘Bro, why you listening to all these haters spreading rumors that I’m out to get you, Saul? Like, seriously?’
Listen up, fam, today you saw for yourself how the Lord delivered you to me in this cave. Some folks even told me to off you, but I showed mercy. I was like, nah fam, can’t touch my lord ’cause he’s God’s chosen one.
Hey Dad, peep this. Look, I’ve got a piece of your robe in my hand. Just so you know, I only cut off the edge, didn’t harm you at all. I want you to see I didn’t do anything wrong or break any rules. I haven’t hurt you, but you’re still chasing after me.
May the LORD judge between us, seek justice for me against you. But I won’t take matters into my own hands.
Like they used to say, evil comes from those who are evil: but I ain’t gonna lay a finger on you.
Who’s the king of Israel chasing after? Seriously, who’s worth all this effort? A dead dog? A dumb flea?
So, may the LORD settle this, you know? May He judge and decide what’s up between you and me? And, may He see the whole situation and fight my corner, rescuing me from you. You dig?
So, when David finished saying all this, Saul was like, ‘Yo, is that your voice, David?’ Then Saul started crying loudly.
And he was like, yo David, you’re righteous, man. ‘Cause you’ve been cool to me, but I’ve been shady with you.
And today, you’ve totally shown that you’ve treated me well. Seriously, when the Big Guy upstairs gave you the chance to take me out, you didn’t even go for it. #Blessed
If someone meets their enemy, are they gonna just let them go unharmed? So, the LORD should totally bless you for being awesome and doing me a solid today.
Listen up. I’m telling you straight, no cap. I know for sure you’re gonna be king, no doubt. And the kingdom of Israel is gonna be all yours, no questions asked.
So, promise me, for real, in the name of the LORD, you won’t wipe out my descendants after me, and you won’t erase my name from my family’s record.
David promised Saul, and Saul went back home. But David and his crew headed up to the stronghold.

1 Samuel 25

So, like, Samuel passed away and all the Israelites gathered up and were like, super sad, you know? They had this big funeral for him at his house in Ramah. And then David, he got up and headed on down to this desert area called Paran.
Yo, there was this dude in Maon, his crib was in Carmel. This guy was straight up rich, owning three thousand sheep and a thousand goats. He was in Carmel, shearing his sheep and handling his business, you know?
So there was this guy named Nabal, and he was married to this awesome woman named Abigail. Abigail was not only super smart, but also had a really pretty face. But Nabal, on the other hand, was just rude and did a lot of bad stuff. Oh, and by the way, Nabal was part of Caleb’s family.
So David found out while he was out in the wild that Nabal was busy shearing his sheep.
So David DM’d ten of his bros and was like, ‘Yo, squad, head over to Carmel and hit up Nabal. Tell him I’m saying what’s up in my name: peace out!’
And this is how you should say to someone who’s doing well in life: ‘Hey, hope everything’s chill for you, peace to you and your fam, and may peace be with all your stuff.’
Yo, I just got the word that you’ve hired some shearers. Just so you know, when your crew was rollin’ with us, we never disrespected or messed with them at all. They were chill the whole time in Carmel. (Note: ‘hurt’ in Hebrew means ‘shamed’)
Go ask your squad, they’ll fill you in. Let the squad please you, because we’re having a lit time. Just give whatever you got to your homies and to your boy David.
And when David’s squad pulled up, they straight up approached Nabal and dropped David’s message. And then they bounced. #MicDrop #DavidSquadOut
And Nabal was like, who’s this David guy? And who’s Jesse’s son? There are so many servants nowadays who ditch their masters.
So, like, should I really hand over my food and stuff that I prepared for my crew to random dudes that I don’t even know where they came from?
So David’s squad bounced back, and they came back and spilled all the tea to him.
And David was like, ‘Yo, squad, equip yourselves with swords!’ So all the boys strapped on their swords, including David himself. Then, about four hundred homies rolled with David, while two hundred stayed behind to guard the stuff.
So, like, this young dude goes up to Abigail, Nabal’s wife, and he’s all like, ‘Guess what? David sent his people from the middle of nowhere to greet our boss, but dude totally dissed them.’ (BTW, to diss them, he literally flew at them with harsh words.)
The guys were really cool to us, and nothing bad happened to us. We didn’t lose or miss anything while we were hanging out with them in the fields.
They were like our ultimate squad, protecting us day and night while we hung out, watching over those sheep.
So, like, you need to, like, think about what you’re gonna do, okay? ‘Cause there’s some serious trouble coming our way, and it’s directed straight at our boss and his entire fam. This guy is, like, the definition of trouble, making it impossible for anyone to even talk to him.
Abigail quickly grabbed 200 loaves, 2 bottles of wine, 5 sheep all prepared for feasting, 5 servings of roasted corn, 100 clusters of raisins, and 200 cakes of figs. She loaded them all up on donkeys like a boss. (Note: ‘clusters’ could also mean ‘lumps’ btw)
Yo, she said to her crew, ‘Y’all go ahead of me, I’m comin’ right after. But she didn’t spill the tea to her hubby, Nabal’.
As she was riding on the donkey, she went down the hill, and guess what? David and his squad came down towards her, and they bumped into each other.
So like, David was thinking, man, I’ve totally wasted my time protecting this dude’s stuff out in the wild. I made sure nothing got lost, and how does he repay me? With straight up negativity after I showed him kindness. Like, seriously?!
And God will do even worse to David’s enemies. If I leave even a single one of them alive come morning, I swear on everything I hold dear.
When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off her ride, humbly fell before him, and bowed down to the ground.
And I like totally crashed down at his feet and was like, yo bro, put this blame on me, and like pretty please, let me speak to you and like, hear me out, dude.
“Yo, please don’t even bother with Nabal, my lord. He’s just straight-up clueless, his name fits him like a glove. But I swear, I didn’t catch those dudes you sent, my lord.”
“Listen up, my guy! I’m swearin’ by the Lord and puttin’ my own life on the line here—God totally kept you from makin’ a mess and doin’ somethin’ you’d regret. So let your enemies be like Nabal. (Translation: Let them deal with their own mess, while you save yourself.)
“And that dope blessing your girl brought you? Yeah, you gotta share that with your crew, man. They’re rollin’ with you, they got your back, you feel?”
“Hey, my bad if I messed up. I know God’s got your back, ’cause you’re always on the right path, never strayin’.”
“But there’s some dude tryna mess you up. But trust, the Lord’s got your back like a shield. As for your enemies, God’s gonna deal with them like flickin’ a pebble outta a sling.”
“And when the Lord comes through on all the dope stuff He promised you, and you’re sittin’ on the throne of Israel…”
“Just so you know, don’t stress about not takin’ revenge or gettin’ even. When the Lord blesses you, just remember your boy here.”
“And David was like, ‘Yo Abigail, big ups to the Lord God of Israel for sendin’ you my way today.’”
“Props to your wisdom, and thanks for stoppin’ me from doin’ somethin’ dumb today.”
“I’m swearin’ by the Lord God of Israel, you saved me from messin’ up. If you hadn’t come through, there wouldn’t be a single guy left from Nabal’s crew come morning.”
“So David took what she gave him and was like, ‘You good, you can bounce.’”
“Abigail went back to Nabal’s spot, and dude was straight-up partyin’ like a king! Abigail didn’t even bother sayin’ anything until the next day.”
“When Nabal found out the truth, he straight-up turned into a stone, man.”
“Then, like ten days later, God took Nabal out.”
“When David heard about it, he was like, ‘Praise the Lord for lookin’ out for me.’ Yeah, God made sure Nabal got what was comin’ to him. So David hit up Abigail and asked her to marry him.”
“When David’s crew rolled up to Abigail, they were like, ‘Yo, David wants to know if you wanna be his girl, you down?’”
“Abigail bowed down and was like, ‘I’m down to serve, wash feet, whatever you need, my lord.’”
“And just like that, Abigail dipped, rollin’ with her girls behind her. She followed David’s crew and became his wife.”
“David also married Ahinoam from Jezreel.”
“Saul gave Michal, David’s wife, to Phalti, son of Laish from Gallim.”

1 Samuel 26

So, like, the Ziphites went to Saul in Gibeah and were all like, “Psst, do you know David is totally hiding out in the hill of Hachilah, right in front of Jeshimon? Like, for real?”
So Saul flexed and dipped to the wilderness of Ziph, rolling deep with three thousand top-notch dudes from Israel, all ready to hunt down David in the wilderness of Ziph.
So Saul set up camp on the hill of Hachilah, near Jeshimon, on the way. But David stayed in the wilderness, and he noticed that Saul was following him into the wilderness.
So David sent out spies and found out that Saul had actually arrived.
So David got up and went to where Saul had set up camp. When David arrived, he saw where Saul was sleeping, along with Abner, the son of Ner, who was in charge of his army. Saul was sleeping in the middle of the camp, surrounded by his soldiers.
So David was like, talking to Ahimelech the Hittite, and Abishai, who’s like Joab’s bro, and he’s all like, “Yo, who’s gonna come with me to Saul’s camp?” And Abishai is like, “Dude, I’m down, I’ll go with you.”
So David and Abishai slid into the scene like stealthy ninjas: lo and behold, Saul was passed out in the ditch, with his weapon stuck in the ground beside him. And Abner and his entourage were snoozing nearby.
Abishai was like, “Yo, David! God totally handed over your enemy to you today. So, let me just whack him real quick with my spear and finish him off in one shot. No need for a second strike.”
And David was like, “Yo, Abishai, don’t wreck him, because you can’t just go and attack someone who’s been chosen by the Lord, all holy and stuff. That ain’t gonna make you innocent.”
David was like, “Yo, I swear to God, He’s gonna totally wreck him. Either he’ll die, or he’ll straight up get messed up in a fight and lose.”
OMG, like, no way I’m gonna harm the chosen one of the LORD. But hey, could you, like, grab the spear and water jug that are near him and let’s bounce?”
So David grabbed the spear and the water bottle from Saul’s pillow; and they bounced out of there, and nobody peeped, nor knew a thing, because everyone was knocked out; ’cause the Lord made them all pass out.
So David went to the other side and stood on top of a hill at a good distance from them:
David shouted to the crowd and called out to Abner, son of Ner, asking him, “Hey Abner, are you not gonna respond?” Then Abner replied, “Dude, who do you think you are, yelling at the king?”
David was like, “Yo Abner, aren’t you like, a total legend? I mean, who’s even close to being as awesome as you in all of Israel? So why didn’t you protect our king, bro? Some random dude tried to take him out, man.”
Dude, what you did was totally not cool. I swear, if I were God, you’d be in big trouble because you didn’t protect the Lord’s chosen one, your master. Now look, the spear and water jug that were right by his head are gone. And let me tell you, that’s super serious business.
Saul recognized David’s voice and asked, “Is that you, David, my dude?” And David replied, “Yeah man, it’s me! Your boy, your majesty!”
And he was like, dude, why are you totally chasing me like this? What did I even do? Like, is there some kind of bad thing I did that I don’t even know about?
Yo, listen up, King! Hear what I gotta say. If God’s the one who’s got you coming after me, then let Him accept an offering. But if it’s just some mortal humans behind it, then they’re straight up cursed by the LORD. They’ve kicked me out and made me lose my place in God’s promises, telling me to go worship other gods. Like, seriously?
So like, please don’t let my blood hit the ground in front of the LORD, ’cause the king of Israel is out here chasing after a tiny little bug, just like when someone hunts a bird in the mountains.
Saul was like, dude, I messed up big time. David, my bro, please come back! I promise I won’t mess with you anymore because I realized how important you are to me today. Man, I acted like a fool and made a huge mistake.
And David was like, “Yo, check out the king’s spear! Can someone from the squad come and grab it for him?”
May the LORD repay each person according to their righteousness and faithfulness. The LORD has handed you over to me today, but I won’t lay a finger on the LORD’s chosen one.
Hey, listen up! Just like your life is super important to me today, I’m asking for the same kinda importance from the LORD. I’m counting on Him to save me from all the tough times ahead.
Saul was like, “Yo David, you’re blessed, my dude! You’re gonna achieve some insane stuff and come out on top.” Then David was like, “Word!” and went on his journey, while Saul went back to where he came from.

1 Samuel 27

David was like, “Bruh, if I stick around Saul, I’m toast. Imma bounce to Philistine turf real quick. Saul won’t even bother looking for me in Israel. #SurvivalMode”
So David and his crew of 600 homies linked up with Achish, the son of Maoch, the big shot from Gath.
David was just vibin’ with Achish in Gath, squad deep with their fam. Oh, and David brought his two wives, Ahinoam from Jezreel and Abigail from Carmel, ex of Nabal.
Saul heard David dipped to Gath and was like, “Bet, I’m done lookin’.”
David was like, “Ayy Achish, if you’re cool with me, lemme kick it in a town, not the fancy royal spot. I’m just your humble servant, ya know?”
Achish was like, “Sure thing, fam. Ziklag’s all yours.” And that’s how Ziklag became part of Judah’s territory.
David was posted in Philistine land for like a year and four months. Crazy long, bro. Like, hella long. You get me?
David and his squad straight up wrecked the Geshurites, Gezrites, and Amalekites. These guys had been around from Shur to Egypt for a minute.
They left no survivors and copped all the livestock, swag, you name it. Then they bounced back to Achish.
Achish asked, “Where’d you guys hit up today?” David was like, “Just down south in Judah, Jerahmeelites, and Kenites.”
David didn’t spare anyone, sending a message to Gath: keep quiet or else. He wanted to keep his rep solid while living among the Philistines.
Achish was fully onboard with David, making Israelites hate him even more. David’s ride-or-die for Achish now, no joke, they’re tight.

1 Samuel 28

Yo, back in the day, the Philistines were like, “Let’s team up and go head-to-head with Israel!” And Achish hit up David, saying, “Bro, you and your crew are rolling with me to the battlefield, no question.”
David was all, “Achish, get ready to witness some sick skills from your boy!” And Achish was like, “Bet! You’re my right-hand homie from now on!”
So, Samuel passed away, and everyone in Israel was mourning big time. They threw a massive funeral for him in Ramah, his hometown. Saul was like, “Nah, fam, we’re done with all that ghost and magic stuff,” and kicked those practitioners out.
The Philistines camped in Shunem, and Saul gathered Israel at Gilboa.
When Saul saw the Philistine army, he got shook, his heart pounding like crazy.
Saul tried to hit up the LORD, but got left on read. No response, no dreams, no signs. Zilch.
So Saul was like, “Find me a mystic chick, I gotta talk to someone.” His crew was like, “There’s this lady in Endor who’s got that familiar spirit hookup.”
Saul and two dudes went to see her at night, dressed incognito. He was like, “Can you summon someone for me using your powers?”
The woman was like, “You know what Saul did, right? He kicked out all the spirit mediums. Why you tryna trap me?”
Saul swore by the LORD, saying, “I swear on God, nothing bad’s gonna happen.”
The woman was like, “Who you want me to summon?” Saul was like, “Bring up Samuel for me, fam.”
When she saw Samuel, she freaked out and was like, “Why you tricking me, Saul?”
Saul was like, “Chill, what did you see?” She was like, “I saw gods coming up from the ground.”
Saul was like, “What did he look like?” She said, “An old dude in a cloak.” Saul was like, “That’s Samuel!” and bowed down, showing mad respect.
Samuel was like, “Why you disturbing my peace?” Saul was like, “I’m freaking out! Philistines are after me, and God’s silent! I need answers.”
Samuel was like, “God’s done with you, bro.”
“God gave your kingdom to David, as I said. He’s taking it back because you didn’t listen.”
“You didn’t obey God’s voice or deal with Amalek, so this is happening.”
“Philistines gonna take Israel, and you and your sons are joining me tomorrow.”
Saul freaked out, collapsed, and hadn’t eaten all day.
The woman saw he was stressed and said, “I followed your orders, risked my life, and did what you asked.”
“Let me hook you up with some bread for the journey.”
Saul was like, “Nah, I’m good.” But his peeps convinced him, so he got up.
The woman slaughtered a calf, made unleavened bread.
She served it, and they ate before bouncing that night.

1 Samuel 29

So, like, the Philistines were all flexing their armies, rolling up to Aphek, while the Israelites were kicking it by this sick fountain in Jezreel.
And the Philistine big shots were moving out, squad deep in hundreds and thousands, while David and his crew were posted in the back with Achish.
The Philistine bigwigs were all, “Why are these Hebrews even here?” And Achish, one of their top dogs, was like, “Yo, isn’t that David? He used to roll with Saul, the Israelite king. But now he’s been with us for a minute, and honestly, he’s been solid. No drama.”
The Philistine honchos were heated, saying, “Send this dude packing so he doesn’t mess with our vibe in battle. How’s he gonna make peace with his old crew if he’s fighting against us? He needs to stick with his own people!”
Yo, isn’t this David, the one they were hyping up, like, “Saul slayed thousands, but David straight up owned the tens of thousands”?
So Achish pulled David aside and was like, “Bro, you’ve been legit since you joined us. I’ve never caught you slipping. But just so you know, the higher-ups aren’t vibing with you, man.”
So, like, just keep it chill and dip peacefully, you feel? Don’t wanna tick off the Philistine bosses. Don’t do anything sus in their eyes, fam.
And David was like, “Hold up, Achish, what’s the deal? I’ve been riding with you this whole time. Why can’t I ride out and fight against my old king’s enemies?”
And Achish was like, “Dude, David, you’re straight up righteous in my book. You’re like a legit angel or something! But, you gotta understand, the Philistine big shots are like, ‘Nah, he can’t roll with us in the battle.’”
So, like, get up hella early with your old crew that came with you. And when it’s morning and the sun’s up, bounce.
So David and his squad were up at the crack of dawn, bouncing back to Philistine territory. And the Philistines rolled up to Jezreel.

1 Samuel 30

So, David and his crew rolled up to Ziklag after three days, and you won’t believe it! Those Amalekites totally swooped in and trashed the place. They straight up attacked Ziklag, set it on fire, and left it wrecked.
And they snagged the women there, but surprisingly, they didn’t harm anyone, no matter who they were. They just snatched them and bounced.
So David and his squad pull up to the city, and OMG, it’s totally burnt to a crisp! Plus, their wifey and kiddos got nabbed by the enemy. It’s like, such a major downer, dude.
So David and his crew, they start bawling their eyes out, like they can’t even cry anymore ’cause they’re so drained.
So like, David’s two wives got nabbed—there’s Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and also Abigail, who was Nabal the Carmelite’s wife.
David’s freaking out big time ’cause everyone’s talking smack about him. They’re super upset and heartbroken over their kids. But David lifts himself up and finds strength in the Lord, his God.
So David’s like, ‘Yo Abiathar, you’re Ahimelech’s son, right? Can you hook me up with the ephod?’ And Abiathar’s all like, ‘Sure thing bro,’ and brings the ephod to David.
So David hits up God, like, ‘Yo, should I go after these dudes? Can I catch ’em?’ And God’s like, ‘Yeah, dude, go for it! You’ll totally catch ’em and get everything back, no doubt.’
So David and his squad of six hundred homies roll up to the brook called Besor, where the rest of the crew stays back.
So David keeps going with him and his squad of four hundred bros. But like, two hundred of them get wiped, so they can’t even cross that stream called Besor, bro.
So they stumble upon this Egyptian dude chilling in the field, and they bring him to David. They hook him up with some bread, and he totally chows down. Oh, and they even give him some water to wash it all down.
And they give him a slice of fig cake and two bunches of raisins. And after he’s eaten, he’s feeling alive again ’cause he hasn’t eaten any bread or drank any water for three whole days and nights.
David’s like, ‘Who do you belong to and where are you from?’ And the young man’s like, ‘I’m an Egyptian dude, a servant of an Amalekite. My master ditched me ’cause I’ve been sick for three days now.’
So like, we totally hit up the south side of those Cherethites, and also the coast that belongs to Judah, and the south side of Caleb. And yo, we straight up set Ziklag on fire, no joke.
David’s like, ‘Yo, can you help me take down this crew?’ And the guy’s like, ‘Bro, swear on God that you won’t off me or hand me over to your boss, and I got you. I’ll help you take ’em down.’
And when he finally brings him down, check it out, they’re all over the place on the whole earth, grubbing on some food and drinks, and busting some moves, all ’cause of the crazy amount of epic loot they scored from the Philistine territory and Judah!
So David totally wrecks them from dusk till dawn the next day, and not a single one gets away except for these 400 dudes on camels who make a run for it.
And David totally gets back everything that those Amalekites took away, and David saves his two wives.
And they’re not lacking anything at all—not even the small stuff or the big stuff, not their sons or daughters, not their loot, or anything they acquired. David gets it all back.
So David grabs all the flocks and herds and drives them alongside the other animals. He’s like, ‘This is David’s loot.’
So David rolls up on about 200 dudes who are so exhausted they can’t keep up with him. These dudes have been chilling at the brook Besor. They decide to come out and greet David and his crew. When David gets close, he gives them a friendly shoutout and asks how they’re doing.
All the bad dudes and losers who are with David answer and say, ‘Since those guys didn’t roll with us, we ain’t sharing any of the loot we got, except for their wives and kids. They can take them and bounce.’
And David’s like, ‘Yo dudes, let’s not go that route, my fam, with all the stuff that the Lord has blessed us with. He’s protected us and straight up handed over our enemies to us.
Like, who’s gonna listen to you about this? But, like, those who actually go into battle and those who stay back to guard the stuff, they both deserve a fair share of the spoils.
And like, from that day on, he totally makes it a legit rule for all of Israel, even until now. Like, seriously, it’s been a thing from then, you know?
So when David arrives at Ziklag, he sends some of the loot to the older peeps of Judah, ya know, his homies. He’s like, ‘Yo, check it out, got a little gift for ya from the stuff we took from the enemies of the LORD, like a super blessed gift and all.’
To all the peeps in Bethel, and to those chilling in south Ramoth, and to the homies in Jattir,
And shoutout to the homies in Aroer, Siphmoth, and Eshtemoa,
And to the squad in Rachal, and to the homies in the cities of the Jerahmeelites, and to the fam in the cities of the Kenites,
And to those who were chilling in Hormah, and to those who were vibin’ in Chorashan, and to those who were kickin’ it in Athach,
And to the squad in Hebron, and to all the spots where David and his crew used to chill.

1 Samuel 31

So, like, the Philistines were totally beefin’ with Israel, and the Israel squad freaked out and bailed, ending up getting wrecked on Mount Gilboa.
And the Philistines were straight up on Saul’s tail, chasing after him and his crew. They took down Jonathan, Abinadab, and Malchishua, Saul’s sons.
So Saul was strugglin’ hard in the battle, and then bam! The archers got him good with their shots. He was seriously messed up, like, hit right on the mark. (BTW, archers = guys with bows, just so you know)
So Saul was like, to his homie with the weapons, “Bro, pull out your sword and end me. I don’t wanna get owned and mocked by these uncircumcised dudes.” But his homie was too scared, so Saul just grabbed a sword and did it himself.
And when his bro saw that Saul was gone, he did the same, goin’ out like a legend, falling upon his own weapon and joining him in the afterlife.
So, like, Saul, his three sons, his armor-bearer, and all his men straight up died on the same day, all at once.
OMG, when the Israelite squad on the other side of the valley and across the Jordan River saw that the Israelite army was bailing and that Saul and his sons were dead, they ditched their cities and bounced. Then the Philistines rolled in and took over.
The next day, when the Philistines came to scavenge the bodies, they found out that Saul and his three sons had been wrecked on Mount Gilboa.
They totally decapitated him, took his epic armor, and sent it around to their Philistine crew to brag over their idols and flex to everyone in town.
They put his armor in the temple of Ashtaroth and hung his body on the wall of Bethshan.
Yo, when the folks in Jabeshgilead caught wind of how the Philistines dissed Saul, it was major tea, fam!
So, like, these real bold homies rallied up, pulled an all-nighter, and snatched Saul’s bod and his sons’ from Bethshan’s wall. They hightailed it to Jabesh and straight up cremated them there.
After that, they scooped their bones, laid ’em to rest under a tree in Jabesh, and ghosted socials for a full week.