1 Kings - Gen Z Bible

1 Kings 1

Okay, so King David was like ancient, right? Dude was so old, just frail AF. They tried wrapping him in blankets, but he was still freezing all the time. It’s like his body forgot how to make heat or something. He was seriously hitting those senior years vibes.
His crew was like, “Bro, we gotta find some young blood for the king. Someone to keep him warm, show him love, be his ride or die.” They wanted to light that fire under him.
So they were scouting all over Israel for a hottie, and they stumbled upon Abishag, this total stunner from Shunem, and brought her to the king.
Abishag was smoking hot and totally into the king. She took care of him, waited on him hand and foot. But the king didn’t get down with her.
Then Adonijah, son of Haggith, was like, “I’m gonna be king, watch me.” Dude showed off with fancy chariots, horses, and even had a squad of fifty hypemen. #RoyaltyGoals #BossMoves
His dad never once checked him like, “What’s up with that?” Adonijah was a total heartthrob too, and his mom had him after Absalom.
He started plotting with Joab, son of Zeruiah, and Abiathar the priest. They were all in on Team Adonijah.
But Zadok the priest, Benaiah (Jehoiada’s son), Nathan the prophet, Shimei, Rei, and David’s OG crew weren’t vibing with Adonijah.
Adonijah threw this lit party with sheep, oxen, and the fattest cattle near this spot called Zoheleth, by Enrogel. He invited all the king’s sons and his Judah crew. Enrogel was like this sick watering hole, also known as the Well of Rogel.
But he didn’t invite Nathan, Benaiah, the warriors, or even his own bro, Solomon.
So Nathan hits up Bathsheba, Solomon’s mom, and he’s like, “Sis, you gotta get woke. Adonijah’s trying to slide into power, and David’s clueless AF.”
So, like, listen up. I’m about to drop some wisdom on you. This is some life-saving intel, for real. You and Solomon need to be on your A-game, you feel me?
Ay, hit up King David and be like, “Bro, remember when you swore to me, your ride-or-die servant, that Solomon, your son, was gonna be the next big thing on the throne? So why’s Adonijah calling the shots?”
Check it, while you’re vibing with the king, I’ma slide in right after you and boost your words, making your point even more lit.
So, Bathsheba rolled into the king’s pad, and, yo, the king was ancient, you feel? And this chick named Abishag from Shunem was, like, taking care of the king and all.
Bathsheba came correct and bowed down to the king. And the king was like, “What’s good? How can I help you out?”
She’s like, “Dude, you made me a promise, swearin’ by the LORD your God, that Solomon, your boy, was gonna take over the throne after me.”
Yo, peep game, Adonijah’s running the show now. And, yo, King, you’re clueless about it, aight?
So, homeboy’s been throwin’ down with a bunch of oxen, fat cattle, and sheep, and he’s got all the king’s sons, Abiathar the priest, and Joab the army dude in on it. But he ain’t even shot an invite Solomon’s way, bruh.
Yo, King, all of Israel’s eyes are on you! They wanna know who’s up next on the throne, my guy.
If you bounce and my homie Solomon ain’t in line, we’re gonna get tagged as troublemakers, you feel?
And yo, while she’s still spitting facts at the king, Nathan the prophet rolls in.
They’re like, “Yo, King, Nathan the prophet’s in the house!” And when Nathan steps in, he straight up bows down and kisses the ground, showing major respect to the king.
Nathan’s like, “Yo, King, did you really say Adonijah’s the next big shot and he’s takin’ over my spot on the throne?”
Yo, peep this: my guy went all out today! He straight up slaughtered a bunch of oxen, fat cattle, and sheep. Plus, he’s got all the king’s sons, the top crew, and Abiathar the priest in on this feast. They’re vibing hard and shouting, ‘Long live King Adonijah!’
But yo, even me, your homie, and Zadok the priest, and Benaiah, Jehoiada’s kid, and your boy Solomon ain’t been invited or nothing.
Did the king really do this without giving your homie, who’s supposed to be next in line, the heads up?
So King David was like, ‘Yo, get Bathsheba over here.’ And she rolls up to the king’s crib, standing all regal and stuff.
And the king’s like, ‘Bro, I swear on everything that’s holy, the LORD is real and has totally saved me from all the messed up situations!
Remember when I swore to you before the LORD God of Israel that Solomon your son is gonna be the next king after me? Yeah, I meant that. Today, it’s going down, no cap.
Bathsheba bows down, showing mad respect to the king, and says, ‘Long live my lord, King David, forever.’
So, King David’s like, ‘Yo, get Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet, and Benaiah, son of Jehoiada. And they pull up, you know?
Listen up! The king tells them, ‘Get your lord’s servants, and let Solomon, my son, ride on my dope mule. Take him down to Gihon ASAP. It’s going down, you feel me?’
So, Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet gotta crown him king of Israel, and y’all gotta blast the trumpet and shout, ‘Godd save King Solomon!’
And when that’s done, you gotta step up and take his spot on the throne. ‘Cause, you’re gonna be the new king in my place, and I chose you to rule over Israel and Judah.
And Benaiah, Jehoiada’s son, hits back at the king, saying, ‘For real, dude! The LORD God of my lord, the king, is totally backing you up, yo.’
Just like how the Big Man upstairs has been riding shotgun with my main man the king, let Him also vibe with Solomon, and make his throne even more lit than King David’s throne.
Then Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet, Benaiah (Jehoiada’s son), the Cherethites, and the Pelethites all dipped and made Solomon ride on King David’s mule, and led him to Gihon.
So, like, Zadok, the priest, grabbed some holy oil from the fancy tent and poured it all over Solomon. Then, they started blasting the trumpets and all the people were like, ‘Yo, God bless King Solomon!’
And everyone followed him, jamming out on their instruments, and partied like there was no tomorrow! The noise they made was so epic that it shook the ground.
Adonijah and his crew heard it while they were finishing up grub. And when Joab heard the sound of the trumpet, he was like, “Yo, why is the whole city lit?”
And as he was still chatting, bro, Jonathan, Abiathar’s son and the priest, pulled up. Adonijah was like, ‘Come on in, dude! You’re a total legend and you bring the sickest news!’
And Jonathan was like, dude, Adonijah, for real, King David made Solomon the big boss.
So the king sent Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet, Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, the Cherethites, and the Pelethites to roll with him, and they made him ride on the king’s mule.
So like, Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet just crowned him king in Gihon, and they’re all hyped as they come back to the city, so it’s like a crazy celebration going on. That’s the sound that y’all are hearing.
And yo, Solomon is just chilling on the throne, ruling the kingdom.
And the king’s squad came to give props to our boy King David, saying, “May the man Solomon flex a better rep than you, and may his throne be bigger than your throne.” And the king showed mad respect by bowing on his bed.
And like, the king was like, ‘Yo, praise the LORD God of Israel, man! He’s hooked me up with someone to rule on my throne today, and bro, I totally saw it with my own eyes! 🙌👑
And all of Adonijah’s crew got shook, dipped, and scattered.
Adonijah got shook of Solomon, so he bounced up, went out, and grabbed onto the altar’s horns.
So, Solomon got a message that basically said, ‘Yo, check it out, Adonijah is shook of you, bro. He’s clutching onto the altar like his life depends on it, begging you to pinky swear that you won’t go all sword-wielding crazy and end him today.’
Solomon was like, if this dude proves he’s legit, not a single strand of his hair will be harmed. But if he turns out to be shady, he’s donezo.
So King Solomon was like, ‘Yo, go get him from the altar.’ And they brought him down and he came over, showed mad respect by bowing to King Solomon. Then Solomon was like, ‘Bro, time for you to head back home.’

1 Kings 2

Okay, so David was on his last leg, right? He pulls his son Solomon aside and drops some major wisdom on him, like, serious stuff.
David’s all, “I’m about to peace out like everyone else, so Solomon, you gotta step up and show some serious backbone!”
He’s like, “Solomon, listen up. Make sure you stick to God’s game plan, follow His rules, keep His laws, and live by the playbook Moses wrote. If you do, you’ll crush it in life, wherever you go.” (Crush it = succeed, btw)
And God’s like, “Look, I promised your dad I’d hook you up. As long as your crew stays true to me, I’ll make sure Israel stays in good hands. No one’s snatching that crown from you.”
Oh, and David’s like, “Don’t forget about Joab, that dude’s a piece of work. He offed Abner and Amasa, top dogs in Israel’s army, even when there wasn’t a fight going down. Talk about savage, he made a trophy out of their blood, staining his gear like it was some sick flex.”
David’s final mic drop moment: “Solomon, use that big brain of yours. Don’t let Joab kick the bucket in peace.” (Translation: Make sure Joab gets what’s coming to him.)
Yo, show some love to the Barzillai crew, those Gileadites. Let them vibe at your table ’cause they had my back when I had to dip ’cause of your bro Absalom.
Listen up, you still got Shimei, Gera’s kid, a Benjamite from Bahurim, who straight up cursed me back at Mahanaim. But when I hit the Jordan, he rolled up, and I promised him in the name of the LORD, like, “I ain’t gonna ice you, bro. Promise.”
So, don’t let him off easy, man. You’re smart, you know what’s up. But make sure he faces the music for his mess-ups, even if it means taking him down to the grave with some payback.
David kicked it till the end, then he got laid to rest in the city of David.
David held it down for Israel for a cool 40 years. Started in Hebron, held it down for 7, then bounced to Jerusalem and kept the reign going for another 33.
Then Solomon stepped up to David’s throne, like a boss move, and his kingdom was lit, like, next level stuff.
So Adonijah, Haggith’s kid, pulled up to Solomon’s mom, Bathsheba. She’s like, ‘You causin’ any trouble?’ And he’s like, ‘Nah, just chillin’.’
He was all, “Yo, I gotta spill some tea to you.” And she’s like, “Spill it, spill it!”
And he’s like, “You remember when the kingdom was mine, and, like, everyone in Israel was backing me up to be the ruler? But, like, things flipped, and now the kingdom’s all about my bro, ’cause the Man Upstairs said so.”
So, like, I’ve got this one favor to ask. Please don’t shoot me down. And she’s like, “Yeah, sure, let it out.”
So, he’s like, “Bro, please talk to King Solomon for me, ’cause he’s totally cool, he won’t say no, about letting me marry Abishag the Shunammite.”
And Bathsheba’s like, “Okay, got your back, fam. I’ll hit up the king for you.”
So Bathsheba rolls up to King Solomon to chat about Adonijah. When the king peeps her, he stands up, greets her, and takes a seat on his throne. He even hooks up a chair for his mom, who chills on his right side.
So she’s like, “Got this lil’ favor, please don’t turn me down.” And the king’s like, “Sure thing, mom! Can’t refuse you.”
And she’s like, “Yo, hook Adonijah, your bro, up with Abishag the Shunammite as his wifey, you feel?”
Yo, check it, Queen Mom! Why you gotta roll up on Abishag the Shunammite, asking for Adonijah? You might as well slide into the DMs and ask for the whole kingdom, ya feel? ‘Cause, like, he’s my older bro, so he’s got his stake, just like Abiathar the priest and Joab, son of Zeruiah.
And bruh, King Solomon straight up swears by the LORD, like, he’s putting it all on the line, saying if Adonijah ain’t said something that’s about to mess up his whole vibe, then may the Almighty do some serious stuff to him.
So, swear to God, the One who made me king, put me on my dad David’s throne, and hooked me up with a dope palace; today, Adonijah’s getting served.
King Solomon sends Benaiah, Jehoiada’s kid, to handle it, and let’s just say Adonijah’s day didn’t end on a high note.
The king tells Abiathar the priest, ‘Yo, go chill in Anathoth and mind your own biz. You’re lucky I ain’t dropping the hammer on you now, ’cause you held it down for my pops David in front of God’s crew and rode out all his struggles.’
So Solomon sends Abiathar packing from the priest gig for the LORD, making sure what the LORD said about Eli’s fam in Shiloh goes down.
Joab catches wind of the situation, posted up with Adonijah instead of Absalom. Dude panics and bolts to the LORD’s spot, clutching onto the altar like his life depends on it.
So, like, word got to King Solomon that Joab bounced to the sacred place of the LORD, and guess what, he’s chillin’ right by the altar. So, Solomon’s like, ‘Yo, Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, go fetch him!’
So Benaiah went to the place where God was vibing, and he was like, ‘Yo, the King wants you to come out.’ But the dude was like, ‘Nah, I’m staying here and I’m ready to peace out.’ Then Benaiah went back to the King and was like, ‘This is what Joab said, and this is how he responded to me.’
Then the king was like, ‘Yeah, do what he said and tackle him, bury him and all. We gotta make sure to clear Joab’s name from spilling innocent blood on me and my fam.’
And God will make him pay for what he did by making him suffer. He attacked two guys who were way cooler and righteous than him, and straight up murdered them. My dad David had no idea about any of this, just to be clear. The dudes he smoked were Abner, the boss of Israel’s army, and Amasa, the boss of Judah’s army.
So Joab and his descendants will bear the responsibility for their actions, paying for it with their own blood. But as for David, his descendants, his crib, and his throne, they will enjoy everlasting peace bestowed by the LORD.
Then Benaiah, Jehoiada’s son, went up and took him out, killing him. They buried him in his own crib out in the middle of nowhere.
The king chose Benaiah, Jehoiada’s son, to take charge of his army, and Zadok the priest replaced Abiathar.
So the king reached out to Shimei and was like, ‘Yo bro, go ahead and build yourself a lit pad in Jerusalem. Settle down there and don’t even think about ghosting.’
Listen up, when you leave and cross over the Kidron brook, you better believe you’re heading straight for doom. Your own blood will be on your hands, no doubt about it.
Shimei was like, ‘Yo, the king’s words are straight fire. Whatever my lord the king commanded, your boy Shimei got you. And Shimei chilled in Jerusalem for a hot minute.
So, after three years, two of Shimei’s homies decided to dip and bounced to Achish, son of Maachah, the king of Gath. They hit up Shimei like, ‘Yo, bro, guess where your homies are? Gath, man!’
So Shimei got up and hopped on his whip, headed to Gath to find his crew. Shimei went, and managed to bring his squad back from Gath.
So, like, word got to Solomon that Shimei, you know, had dipped from Jerusalem to Gath and then pulled a U-turn.
So the king texts Shimei and says, ‘Bro, remember when I made you swear by the LORD and warned you that if you ever leave or go anywhere, you’ll definitely bite the dust? And you were like, ‘Yeah man, I got it, the word I heard sounds good’.
Yo, why’d you ghost the LORD’s promise and not follow through with what I said?
The king straight up called out Shimei, like, you remember all the shady stuff you did to my pops David, right? Well, let me spell it out for you: God’s gonna make you pay for all your wrongs, like, it’s gonna come back to haunt you, dude.
King Solomon’s gonna get blessed, and David’s throne is gonna stay solid in front of the LORD forever.
Then the king was like, “Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, handle him.” Benaiah did his thing and took care of business. Dude ended up biting the dust, and that’s how Solomon took charge of the kingdom.

1 Kings 3

So Solomon was vibing with Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, and started seeing Pharaoh’s daughter. He brought her back to the city of David while he was finishing up building his own spot, the temple for the LORD, and the walls of Jerusalem all around.
Way back, folks used to do their worship up on the hills since there wasn’t a legit house built for the LORD back then.
Solomon was totally into the LORD and followed in his dad David’s footsteps, but sometimes he went all out with sacrifices and incense at the cool spots.
So the king rolled up to Gibeon to make sacrifices ’cause it was a major holy spot. Solomon went all out and made a whopping thousand burnt offerings on that altar.
So, like, one night, God showed up to Solomon in a dream in Gibeon, right? And God was all like, ‘Yo, ask me whatever you want and I’ll hook you up, bro!’
And Solomon was like, yo, you totally showed my dad, David, mad love by giving him all that mercy and being real with him. He stayed true to you, always walking in truth, righteousness, and keeping it real with you. And you even blessed him with a son to take over his throne, which is still happening right now. It’s all about that kindness, man.
And now, yo God, you’ve made me king instead of my pops David. And to be real, I’m just a lil’ kid. I don’t even know how to step out or come in.
And your servant is, like, totally chilling with your chosen squad, who are, like, a massive crew that, legit, can’t even be counted or put a number on.
So, like, God, can you just bless me with some serious wisdom? I need to be able to tell right from wrong when I’m dealing with your awesome squad. I mean, who has the skills to handle such a rad group of people, am I right?
And God was totally hyped with what Solomon asked, it made Him happy AF.
And God said to him, yo, because you asked for this and didn’t ask for like a super long life or riches or anything like that, and you didn’t even ask for the harm of your enemies, but you asked for understanding to make good judgments, like that’s legit cool of you, man.
Listen up, I’ve totally delivered what you asked for – check it out, I’ve hooked you up with a brain that’s wise and full of understanding. No one in the past or future will even come close to matching your greatness.
So, like, God’s been totally blessing you with cash flow and respect vibes, even stuff you didn’t hit Him up for. Straight up, you’re gonna be the kingpin, reigning supreme, ya feel?
And if you’re vibing with my rules, rolling like David did, I’ll set you up with a long, chill life, no cap.
So Solomon woke up, realizing it was just a dream. Then he hit up Jerusalem, posted up in front of the LORD’s covenant, and threw down some burnt offerings and peace vibes, hosting a lit feast for his crew.
So, these two homegirls, known in the hood for their hustle, they roll up to the king, standing right in his grill.
One of them’s like, “Bro, we’re roomies, popped our babies at the same crib.”
And like, three days after my birth sesh, this other chick births too. It’s just us two in the crib, no one else around, ya dig?
So, there’s this lady, right? And her baby, like, didn’t make it through the night ’cause she accidentally ended up squishing it or something.
Then, out of nowhere, in the dead of night, she swaps my sleeping baby with her lifeless one while I’m out cold, placing her baby in my arms.
When I wake up in the morning to feed my little one, I’m shook to find out my baby isn’t breathing. But when I take a closer look, I realize, wait a sec, this ain’t my kid I birthed.
So, one of them’s like, “Nah, the living baby’s mine, and the dead one’s yours.” But the other’s all, “Nope, flipped script, your baby’s the one that’s gone, mine’s the one breathing.”
Then the king steps in, and he’s like, “Okay, hold up. One’s saying, ‘This live one’s mine, yours is the deceased.’ The other’s like, ‘No way, your baby’s the one that’s passed, mine’s the one kicking.’”
The king’s like, “Alright, bring me a sword, we’re settling this.”
And then the king’s like, “We’re cutting this baby in half, one piece for each of you.”
So this mom, who was totally the real deal, stepped up to the king. She was all about her kid, like her heart was on fire for him. She begged, ‘Oh please, your majesty, let her have the baby, don’t let anything happen to him.’ But the other lady was like, ‘Let’s split the kid, it’s only fair.’
Then the king was like, ‘Nah, just give the baby to her, no way we’re hurting him. She’s definitely the mom, no doubt.’
When everyone heard how the king sorted it out, they were blown away because they could see that God had hooked him up with mad wisdom and fairness.

1 Kings 4

Okay, so, King Solomon was, like, the big cheese of Israel, you feel me?
And these were his main crew: Azariah, Zadok’s son, who was like the head honcho of the priests.
Elihoreph and Ahiah, Shisha’s kids, were the word wizards; Jehoshaphat, Ahilud’s son, was the record-keeping champ.
Benaiah, Jehoiada’s offspring, was the squad leader, and Zadok and Abiathar held it down as the holy dudes.
Azariah, Nathan’s son, led the officers, while Zabud, another one of Nathan’s sons, was like Solomon’s right-hand bro.
Ahishar was the household manager, and Adoniram, Abda’s kid, was the tax collector.
So, like, Solomon had these twelve big shots running the show in Israel. They made sure the king and his crew were all sorted out, you know? Each officer took turns every month to handle all the food and stuff.
These are the peeps and their gigs: Benhur was holding it down in chill mount Ephraim, son of Hur.
Dekar’s kid was bossing it up in Makaz, Shaalbim, Bethshemesh, and Elonbethhanan. Bendekar might be in the mix too, like, possibly Dekar’s offspring.
Aruboth was under Hesed’s offspring’s jurisdiction. He was calling the shots in Sochoh and all the Hepher hood.
Abinadab’s son was running the show in the whole Dor scene. Plus, he was hitched to Taphath, Solomon’s girl. (FYI, Abinadab goes by Benabinadab, in case you didn’t know.)
Baana, Ahilud’s kid, was holding it down in Taanach, Megiddo, and all of Bethshean, near Zartanah below Jezreel, stretching from Bethshean to Abelmeholah, and all the way past Jokneam.
Geber’s offspring was the big cheese in Ramothgilead, owning the towns of Jair, Manasseh’s kid, in Gilead. He even had control over the region of Argob in Bashan, which had a whopping sixty big cities with walls and metal bars. Geber’s son was a total boss at managing it all!
Ahinadab, son of Iddo, was totally vibing with Mahanaim, you know? Like, Mahanaim was his spot, his whole vibe. He was all about that Mahanaim life!
Ahimaaz, reppin’ Naphtali, straight up married Basmath, Solomon’s daughter. #RelationshipGoals on point!
Baanah, Hushai’s offspring, held it down in Asher and Aloth:
Jehoshaphat, Paruah’s kid, holding it down for Issachar:
Shimei, Elah’s son, reppin’ Benjamin:
Geber, Uri’s offspring, was out in Gilead, under Sihon, the Amorite king, and Og, the king of Bashan. He was the top dog, ruling the whole land.
Judah and Israel had a squad that was massive, like, beach sand levels of massive. They were all about feasting, partying, and living it up.
Solomon was the big ruler, handling all the kingdoms, from the river to the Philistine territory, and stretching all the way to Egypt. People were showering him with gifts and serving him faithfully all his life.
Solomon’s daily grub was no joke, man, like 30 loads of primo fine flour and 60 loads of meal. #FeastGoals #BreadLife
Dude had ten fat oxen, twenty chillin’ in the fields, a whole hundred sheep, not to mention some deer and top-tier fowl.
Solomon was straight-up ruling from Tiphsah to Azzah, with all the kings in check. And guess what? Peace was everywhere, man, zero drama zone.
Judah and Israel were just chillin’, living their best lives without a care. Each had their spot, chilling under their vine and fig tree. Good vibes all around, from Dan to Beersheba, throughout Solomon’s reign. They were living confidently, you dig?
Solomon was flexing hard with like, forty thousand spots for his fancy chariots and twelve thousand soldiers riding them. Serious horse game, man.
And his top-notch crew kept the food game strong at the royal feast every month, making sure nobody went hungry.
They even brought barley and straw for the horses and dromedaries to the designated spot where the officers were stationed. Everyone pitched in according to their responsibilities. (Dromedaries can be understood as mules or swift beasts.)
God blessed Solomon with mad wisdom and understanding, like, seriously, and his heart was massive, bro, just like beach sand.
Solomon was the smartest dude around, even smarter than the guys from the east and Egypt, man.
He was the wisdom king, outsmarting everyone, even the coolest dudes like Ethan, Heman, Chalcol, and Darda. He was known and respected in every nation.
Solomon dropped three thousand proverbs like they were hot and blessed us with a thousand and five sick tunes.
He talked about everything, from giant cedar trees in Lebanon to the hyssop growing out of the wall. Animals, birds, bugs, fish—you name it.
People from all over came to hear Solomon’s wisdom, even kings who heard about his insane wisdom. Respect.

1 Kings 5

Yo, so Hiram, the king of Tyre, hit up Solomon’s crew ’cause he heard they crowned him king after his dad. Hiram was always vibing with David, ya feel? (P.S. They also call him Huram, just so you know.)
So Solomon slid into Hiram’s DMs like,
“Ayy, you know how my pops David couldn’t even build a temple for God ’cause he was too busy dealing with all them wars? But God had his back, helped him squash his enemies, had ’em bowing down at his feet.
But yo, God’s been blessing me big time, keeping things smooth on all sides, no haters or drama messing with the flow.
Check it, I’m planning to build a lit temple for my God, just like He told David. He said my son, who’s gonna take over my throne, is gonna be the one to build it in His name. Straight up, that’s what He said.
So, can you sort out getting those cedar trees from Lebanon? My squad will team up with yours, you feel? I’ll pay your peeps whatever you say ’cause let’s be real, none of us are skilled at cutting timber like those Sidon folks.
So Hiram was hyped when he heard Solomon’s plan, and he was all like, ‘Bro, God blessed David big time today by giving him a genius son to rule this dope nation!’
“Yo, Solomon, just got your message from Hiram. I’ve scoped out what you need and I’m down to hook you up with all the cedar and fir you want. No stress, consider it sorted!”
My squad gonna haul those sick goods from Lebanon straight to the coast. Then, we’ll ship ’em on dope floating vessels to wherever you want. Once we hit the spot, we’ll unload, and you’ll get all the goods. That’s how I’m making sure my fam gets fed. (FYI: ‘appoint’ means ‘send’ in Hebrew)
So, Hiram came through for Solomon with some lit cedar trees and fir trees, just like he asked for, you feel me?
And then, Solomon hooked Hiram up with a fat load of wheat to keep his crew’s bellies full, like twenty thousand measures, and twenty measures of premium oil. Solomon kept that same energy with Hiram every year. (measures: Hebrew for ‘cors’)
So, like, God totally blessed Solomon with crazy wisdom, just like He said! Because of that, Solomon and Hiram were vibing with each other and even formed a tight alliance.
So King Solomon rounded up a squad of thirty thousand dudes from all over Israel. (levy means they were basically drafted)
And he was like, sending them to Lebanon, like ten thousand dudes per month on rotation: they chill in Lebanon for a whole month, then they back home cooling for two months. And Adoniram was running the whole recruitment gig, you know.
So Solomon had like 70k people lugging heavy stuff, and another 80k cutting stone up in the mountains;
Yo, peep this, Solomon had around 3.3k top dogs running the whole show. They were the ones calling the shots and keeping the hustle real.
So the king was all like, ‘Yo, bring me some premium stones – the high-end stuff, ya dig? And make sure they’re all sleek and carved, we gotta lay down a solid foundation for this crib.’
So, like, Solomon’s squad and Hiram’s crew were straight-up carving those stones, you know, getting them all prepped to build the house, dude. They were all about that timber and those stones, you feel me? #BuilderGang

1 Kings 6

Yo, so around 480 years post the Israelites’ Egypt escape plan, during Solomon’s fourth year on the throne of Israel, he kicked off building the LORD’s crib in the month of Zif, which is the second month, FYI.
King Solomon went all out constructing this massive crib for the LORD, like 60 cubits long, 20 cubits wide, and 30 cubits tall. That’s a huge pad for the Big Guy to vibe in!
The entrance area was twenty cubits long, matching the width of the temple itself, and ten cubits wide, jutting out from the front of the house.
And he decked out the crib with some slick, modern windows, giving it that #Aesthetic look with a sleek, narrow design on the outside.
Solomon hooked up rooms all around the crib’s walls, inside the temple and the holy spot, all connected to the walls and stacked up.
The crib’s setup was like this: bottom level about 5 cubits wide, middle level about 6 cubits wide, and top level about 7 cubits wide. And along the house’s sides, they had special spots so the beams didn’t have to cling to the walls.
During the build, they used pre-cut stones, no need for hammers, axes, or any iron tools, keeping it smooth and noise-free.
The entrance to the middle room was on the right side, with some rad spiral stairs leading up to the middle room, then up to the third room.
Solomon wrapped up the crib, decking it out with beams and boards made from the raddest cedar wood. It was top-tier craftsmanship, you feel? Oh, and the vault beams and panels? Cedar, all the way.
He hooked up these chill rooms around the crib, about five cubits high, all supported by cedar wood. How rad is that?
So God hit up Solomon, saying,
“Yo, about this crib you’re building, if you’re down to follow my rules, do right, and keep all my commands, then I’ll totally keep my promise to your dad David and hook you up.
And I’ll be chilling with the Israel crew, never ghosting my homies in Israel, you feel me?”
So Solomon totally built the crib, and he made it super fly.
He built up the walls of the crib with cedar planks, top to bottom. Inside, he kept those chill wood vibes going, covering the floor with fancy fir planks. It was a whole process, from floor to ceiling, giving off those cool nature vibes.
The crib’s sides were like 20 cubits long, all cedar, custom-crafted in the temple, especially for the holiest spot.
The crib, like, the main temple in front of it, was 40 units long.
Inside was decked out with groovy carved patterns and fresh flowers, all cedar, no stone. Those fancy gourd-shaped decorations and cool openings added some extra flair, ya know?
He made a special room inside for the LORD’s promise, the ark, to chill.
Upfront, it was 20 cubits all around, all blinged-out in pure gold, covering the cedar altar.
So Solomon decked out the inside with legit gold, with a gold chain divider and all that, covering everything in gold.
The whole place was covered in gold, super fancy. Oh, and they even gold-plated the altar by the oracle. So extra, but totally fab.
Inside the special room, he crafted two cherubim out of olive wood, each standing ten cubits tall.
Their wings were like five cubits on each side, ten cubits total, stretching wide.
And the other cool angel was also ten cubits, both angels matching in size and shape.
The cherubs were like 10 feet tall, both of them, giving off those heavenly vibes.
And he placed the cherubims inside the main room, spreading out their wings so that one wing touched one wall, and the other wing of the cherub touched the opposite wall. Their wings met in the center of the room.
And he decked out the cherubims with mad gold bling.
He went all out with those lit designs, carving mad cherubims, palm trees, and flowers all over the walls inside and out. You know, like, super dope open flowers and stuff. So fire, fam. 🔥🌴
He didn’t hold back on the house’s floor, laying down a sick layer of gold inside and out, no cap.
And for the entrance of the special room, he crafted these totally dope olive tree doors. The lintel and side posts were like one fifth of the wall. And by one fifth, I mean they were fivesquare. How rad is that?
The two doors were made of olive tree wood, with designs of cherubims, palm trees, and blooming flowers carved onto them. They were then covered with gold, spreading gold on the cherubims and the palm trees. (two…: or, leaves of the doors) (open flowers: Heb. openings of flowers)
He also made posts for the entrance of the temple out of olive wood. The posts were one quarter the size of the wall, and they were shaped like a square.
Yo, check it out, the doors were made of fir tree. One door had two folding leaves, and the other door had two folding leaves too.
Then he designed these sick cherubims, palm trees, and lit flowers on it. And he flexed by covering them with gold to perfectly match the carving.
So, he like totally constructed the inner courtyard using these sick three rows of finely cut stone, and on top of that, he added a row of super trendy cedar beams.
In the fourth year, they started building the house of the LORD in the month Zif:
And in the eleventh year, in the month Bul, which is the eighth month, the house was totally finished, with all its parts and according to its unique style. It took a solid seven years to build it.

1 Kings 7

Solomon was straight flexin’, spending thirteen years building his crib, and he totally finished the whole dang thing.
He also put together this sick house up in Lebanon, it was massive – a hundred cubits long, fifty wide, and thirty tall. And it had four rows of epic cedar pillars with cedar beams on top.
The top decked out with cedar planks chillin’ on forty-five pillars, fifteen in each row. (By the way, ‘beams’ means ‘ribs’ in Hebrew.)
It had three rows of windows, and the lights were on point, lined up in three ranks, shining in perfect harmony.
All the doorways and frames were square with windows, and the lights were lined up in three rows, matching light with light. (Square doorways and frames when you looked straight at them.)
Then he built this super cool entryway with some awesome pillars. It was like 50 cubits long and 30 wide. The entrance was front and center, more pillars, and a real thick beam. It was all so rad.
And check this, he made this dope throne porch for making righteous judgments. It was the ultimate judgment spot, with cedar flooring from one side to the other. It was super stylish, man! (Hebrew version: like, top to bottom, floor to floor!)
So, like, where he lived had this whole vibe going on, with a super cool entrance that was totally on point. Solomon even hooked up a spot for his boo, the daughter of Pharaoh, you know, the one he tied the knot with? It was legit matching that entrance.
I’m talking top-shelf materials here, folks. We’re talking fancy stones, cut to perfection with those slick saws. They spared no expense, using them from the ground up, all the way to the rooftop, and even on the outside facing that massive courtyard.
The foundation was all about those high-end stones, massive ones, like ten cubits long and eight cubits wide.
And let me tell you, there were some serious bling-bling stones up there, perfectly cut, and some sweet cedar wood too.
The whole courtyard situation was like, three rows of smooth stones and a line-up of cedar beams. They used them both for the inner court of the house of the LORD and for the porch.
So, King Solomon hit up his buddy Hiram from Tyre and was like, ‘Bro, come chill.’ (Oh, by the way, Hiram also goes by Huram.)
This dude Hiram? His mom was a widow, and he repped the tribe of Naphtali. His pops was all about that brass life, a skilled craftsman from Tyre, you feel me? Hiram? He was wise, had mad skills, especially when it came to brass work. Eventually, he linked up with King Solomon and handled all the brass wizardry for him. That’s how he rolled, being the son of a widow and all.
So, this dude whipped up some sick brass pillars, each towering at a massive eighteen cubits. And let me tell ya, they had this rad design stretching twelve cubits all around ’em. Oh, and by the way, in Hebrew, ‘cast’ basically means ‘crafted’, just so you know.
Then he made two epic brass caps to slap on top of those pillars. Both caps stood tall at five cubits, just like twins, you know?
They went all out with these dope net patterns and chain designs for the fancy tops of the pillars. Seven for one top, and seven for the other, keeping it fresh.
And he hooked those pillars up, circling them with two rows, covering the tops with this rad network, and throwing in some cool pomegranates too, just like the other tops.
And those cool decorative tops on the pillars? They were like straight-up lily flowers, measuring four cubits, and they were chilling at the entrance, making a statement.
Yo, peep this! So, those lit chapiters on the two pillars had these dope pomegranate designs up top, right above where the network was flexing. And get this, there were like two hundred pomegranates lined up all around the other chapiter. Talk about some serious style, absolute fire!
And he set up the pillars by the temple entrance, giving them names with meaning: Jachin, meaning ‘He shall establish’, for the right one, and Boaz, meaning ‘In it is strength’, for the left one.
And at the tippy-top of those pillars, there were these beautiful flower designs, showing off the craftsmanship in full bloom.
So, he threw together this massive round pool, ten cubits from end to end, standing tall at five cubits. And get this, a line of thirty cubits ran all the way around it, like, making it the centerpiece.
So, all around the edge, there were these cool decorative knobs, ten in every cubit, wrapping around the whole sea. These knobs were arranged in two rows when it was all cast.
There were twelve oxen holding it up: three facing north, three west, three south, and three east. The sea sat on top of them, with their backsides turned inwards.
It was, like, a handbreadth thick, and the rim looked like a cup rim with these beautiful lily flowers. It could hold, like, an epic two thousand baths!
He made ten awesome bases out of brass. Each one was four cubits long, four cubits wide, and three cubits tall.
The bases were built like this: they had frames with side panels between the crossbars.
And on these panels, there were these totally rad lions, oxen, and cherubims. Above the panels was a solid base, and beneath the lions and oxen, there were intricate designs that were super detailed.
Each base had four metal wheels and brass supports. The corners had strong supports, and underneath were these sleek designs that looked like they were crafted by an artist. They were totally impressive, just like the extra cool details on the sides.
The top opening was about a cubit wide, circular, matching the design of the pedestal, a cubit and a half wide. Around the opening, there were engravings with edges that were square, not round.
So, there were four wheels under the edges, and the axles of the wheels were attached to the base. Each wheel was about one and a half cubits tall, with the axles connected right to the base.
The wheels were super cool, like straight out of an epic chariot scene. The axles, hubs, rims, and spokes were all crafted with some mad molten skill.
And there were four solid supports at the corners of the foundation, totally built-in and inseparable from it.
On top of the base, there was a circular thingy about half a cubit high, and the ledges and borders matched perfectly.
On the surfaces and edges of the plates, there were carvings of cherubims, lions, and palm trees. Each detail was perfectly proportioned, with extra decorations all around.
So, he made ten bases with the same casting, measuring, and size.
He also made ten big washbasins out of brass, each holding forty baths of water, and each four cubits tall. One washbasin was placed on top of each base.
Then he put five bases on the right side of the temple, and five on the left side. He placed the sea on the right side of the temple, facing southeast.
Hiram made all the fancy sinks, scoopers, and bowls. He finished all the work King Solomon asked him to do for the house of the LORD.
There were two pillars with two lit-looking bowls on top of them, and two fancy nets to cover the bowls on top of the pillars.
And there were, like, 400 pomegranates for the two designs, two rows of pomegranates for each design, decorating the bowls on top of the pillars, right at the front.
He also made ten bases with ten sick lavers on top of them, you get me?
There was this epic pool with a bunch of big ox statues underneath it, just chilling there.
And there were all these cool pots, shovels, and basins—Hiram made all this awesome stuff for King Solomon’s temple, out of shiny, polished brass.
The king had them cast in the clay ground between Succoth and Zarethan in the Jordan Valley.
Solomon didn’t even weigh all the stuff because there was so much of it! The weight of the brass was just too much to figure out.
So Solomon made all the sick items for the house of the LORD: a rad gold altar and a gold table for the showbread.
There were these lit gold candlesticks, five on each side, flexing in front of the inner sanctuary. They were decked out with flowers, lamps, and gold tongs.
And there were these sick gold bowls, snuffers, basins, spoons, and censers, all shiny and pure. Even the hinges for the doors of the inner sanctuary and the main hall were made of gold, totally fancy stuff.
And that’s how everything King Solomon built for the house of the LORD was finished. Solomon brought in the stuff his dad David had dedicated—like the silver, gold, and other fancy things—and put them with the rest of the treasures in the house of the LORD. These were David’s special things.

1 Kings 8

So Solomon got all the elders of Israel, and the top guys from all the tribes, the big bosses of the Israelite families, to meet with King Solomon in Jerusalem. They wanted to bring the sacred ark that represents the LORD’s promise out of David’s city, also known as Zion.
And like, all the dudes in Israel totally gathered around King Solomon during this lit feast in the month Ethanim, which, by the way, is the seventh month.
So like, all the OGs of Israel rolled up, and the priests grabbed the ark, no cap.
So they brought the ark of the LORD, the tabernacle, and all the sacred stuff that was in the tabernacle up, with the priests and the Levites leading the way.
So like, King Solomon and all the squad from Israel gathered around him, you know, all swaggy in front of the ark and started flexing hard by sacrificing tons of sheep and oxen. There were so many, man, we lost count ’cause it was straight up lit!
Yo, the priests brought in the ark of the LORD’s covenant to its spot, into the super sacred place in the house, right under the wings of the cherubim.
So, like, the cherubim totally stretched out their wings over the spot where the ark was, and they totally shielded the ark and its poles from above, you know.
And they pulled out the poles, so you could see the ends from inside the holy place in front of the ark, but not from outside. And they’re still there to this day.
The only thing in the ark were the two stone tablets Moses put there at Horeb, when the LORD made a deal with the Israelites after they dipped out of Egypt.
So, after the priests left the holy zone, this massive cloud totally filled up the LORD’s crib.
The priests couldn’t even do their thing because of the thick cloud, since the house of the LORD was filled with His glorious presence.
So Solomon said, “God said He would live in total darkness.
I’ve hooked you up with a sick crib to crash at forever. It’s the ultimate chill spot you won’t wanna leave.”
Then the king turned around and blessed all the peeps of Israel. (And all the peeps of Israel stood up;)
And he was like, “OMG, totally blessed is the LORD God of Israel, who talked to David, my father, and made it happen with His hands, and was like, ‘I got this, yo!’”
Ever since I got my squad, Israel, outta Egypt, I didn’t choose any random city from the tribes to build my crib. Instead, I picked David to lead my fam, Israel.
So, my dad David was super hyped to build a dope house for the name of the LORD God of Israel.
And God was like, “Yo David, my dude, I see you wanna build me a sick crib. That’s cool, major props for that.”
But you won’t be the one to build it; your kid’s gonna handle that in my name.
So, God totally kept His word, just like He said. Now I’m here, taking over for my dad David, sitting on the throne of Israel, just like God promised. Plus, I’ve built this awesome house to rep the name of the LORD, the God of Israel.
I even made a legit spot for the ark, where the LORD’s promise vibes. He made that promise back in the day when He rescued our ancestors from Egypt, you know?
So, Solomon stood up in front of everyone, right by the altar of the LORD, in front of the whole Israel crew. He stretched out his hands toward heaven.
And he was like, “Yo, LORD God of Israel, you’re the most epic God ever, in all of heaven and earth. You always keep your promises and show mad love and kindness to your peeps who walk before you with all their heart, no cap! 🙌”
“You’ve totally kept your promise to my dad David. You said it and now you’re making it happen, just like it is right now.”
“Yo, LORD God of Israel, please keep holding up your promise to my dad David. You said there’d always be someone from his bloodline chillin’ on the throne of Israel. So, it’s super important for your crew to stay on point and walk in your ways, just like my dad did.”
“Yo, God of Israel, please make sure your word to my dad David comes true, just like you said it would.”
So, like, can God really just chill on earth? I mean, the whole universe, even the super fancy parts, can’t even handle Him, so this house I built is like, way too small for Him, right?
But please, God, listen to my prayer, LORD my God. Pay attention to the stuff I’m asking and pleading for today.
So that you’re always aware of this house, day and night, especially of the special spot where you said, ‘I’ll put my name there.’ That way, you’ll hear the prayers your servant makes here.
Yo, listen up to your servant’s request and the prayers of your people Israel when they pray towards this spot. Hear them out from your heavenly crib and when you do, forgive them, you know.
If someone wrongs their friend and is told to swear an oath, and they come to your altar in this house to do it:
So, like, listen up, God, and take action. Judge your peeps fairly, punish the bad ones and make them pay for what they did wrong. But also, back up the good ones and reward them for being righteous, ya know, give ‘em what they deserve.
When your squad, the Israelites, gets totally wrecked by their enemies ’cause they messed up and went against you, but then they come back to you, confess your name, pray, and beg for your mercy in this spot:
So, like, tune in from up above and forgive the slip-ups of your crew Israel, and bring them back to the land that you hooked up their ancestors with.
When the skies are, like, totally closed and there’s no rain ’cause they messed up against you; if they shoot up prayers in this direction and say sorry, and totally flip their vibe, when you’re putting them through a tough time:
Yo, tune in from up there, and like, forgive the mess-ups of your squad, both your servants and the Israel fam. Show ’em the lit path to walk and bless their land with rain, ’cause you passed it down to them, ya feel?
If, like, there’s a serious lack of grub in the area, or if there’s, like, a major outbreak of some nasty disease, or if crops are getting messed up by stuff like intense weather or annoying bugs, or if the homies are getting attacked by their enemies in their own turf, or pretty much any kind of bad situation or sickness that goes down, ya know?
Whenever someone, like, prays or asks for something, whether it’s just one person or, like, the whole squad in Israel, and they’re, like, totally aware of the struggles deep inside their hearts, and they, like, raise their hands towards this spot, you know:
Alright, God, up there in your heavenly crib, hear us out. Like, forgive us and all, do your thing, and sort everyone out based on their vibes, ’cause you totally know what’s up with their hearts (seriously, you’re the only one who gets our inner deal).
So they’ll give you props as long as they’re chilling in the land you hooked our ancestors up with.
Oh, and when it’s about someone not from your squad, you know, not one of your peeps from Israel but someone from way out there, who’s all about shouting your name…
‘Cause word’s gonna spread about how rad you are, how you flex your strength, and how you bring the power moves, when they come and pray towards this spot.
Yo, listen up from your crib in the sky and grant every request that comes your way, even from the outsider. The deal is for everyone on this planet to know your name and give you props, just like the Israel crew does. And they gotta know that this epic house I built is all about you. Your name’s literally on it!
When your crew gears up for a showdown with their rivals, wherever you send them, they gotta hit you up, facing the city you picked, and show love towards the crib I built for your name. (straight to the heart of it, you feel?)
Yo, check it, fam. When they hit up with their prayers and requests, you gotta be there, ya feel? Stand by ’em, showin’ that support. #Faithful
But yo, if they slip up and do wrong (c’mon, we all mess up sometimes), and you get all heated, lettin’ the enemy snatch ’em up, whether it’s near or far,
But, like, if they stop and really reflect in the spot where they got nabbed, and they truly repent and ask for forgiveness in that same spot, saying, ‘Dudes, we messed up big time, did some seriously whack stuff; we were straight up wrong.’
And they bounce back to you with everything they got, even if they’re stuck in enemy territory. They’ll pray towards the land you gave their ancestors, the city you chose, and the temple built for your name.
So, listen up, peep their prayer and plea up in heaven, where you chill, and make sure they get what’s up. #Just
And forgive your crew for their slip-ups and wrongs against you, and for all the times they straight up disrespected you. Show ’em love, especially to those holding ’em down, so they might show love in return.
‘Cause, like, those peeps? They’re totally yours, God. You know, the ones you saved from Egypt, that fiery furnace of a place.
So, yeah, you better be tuning in to your servant’s prayers and those of your squad, Israel. Like, grant them what they’re asking for, you know?
You handpicked them out from the whole world, making them totally yours, just like you told Moses back in the day. Remember the Egypt rescue mission, God?
So, after Solomon dropped this mega-deep prayer to the LORD, he bounced from the altar where he was all hands up in the air.
He stood tall and gave a major shoutout to all the Israel crew, like, “Yo, listen up!”
“Big ups to the LORD, who’s totally given us those good vibes and brought peace to the fam of Israel. He’s kept every single promise, not a single one fell through the cracks. He delivered on all those promises he made to Moses, his top servant. 🙌”
“God, stay with us, just like you rolled with our ancestors. Don’t dip out on us, ever.”
So, fam, let’s vibe with Him deep down in our hearts, staying true to His ways, following His rules, decrees, and judgments, just like our ancestors were told to do.
And yo, may these words I’m throwin’ down, which I’ve lifted up before the LORD, always be on our minds day and night. May He have our back, His servant, and all the squad of Israel, in every situation that pops up. (Heb. as needed for each day)
So, like, everyone gotta know that the LORD is the real deal, no one else even comes close.
So, like, make sure your vibe is totally in sync with the LORD our God, ya feel? Talk the talk and walk the walk, just like we’re doin’ right here, right now.
And the king, rollin’ with all of Israel, showed off their worship game big time in front of the LORD.
So Solomon went all out with a sacrifice to the LORD, yo. He brought 22k oxen and 120k sheep to the table. And guess what? The king and the whole crew of Israel were like, ‘This is fire!’ They dedicated the LORD’s crib.
On that day, the king made the middle of the court in front of the house of the LORD sacred. He offered burnt offerings, meat offerings, and the fat of the peace offerings there because the bronze altar in front of the LORD wasn’t big enough to handle all the offerings.
So, like, back then, Solomon threw this massive feast party, right? And I’m talking huge! Everyone in Israel came, from Hamath to the river of Egypt, to celebrate and honor the Lord our God. And get this, the party went on for a solid fourteen days – a whole two weeks of absolute celebration!
On the eighth day, he let the people go home. They shouted praises to the king and went back to their cribs, feeling super stoked and happy because of all the awesome things that the LORD had done for David, his right-hand man, and for the people of Israel. They were totally grateful, dude!

1 Kings 9

So, after Solomon finished showing off the rad temple he built for God’s house, and his own sweet digs fit for a king, just like he wanted and vibed with.
So, like, Solomon was just chilling when the LORD showed up again, you know, like the first time at Gibeon.
And God was all like, “Hey dude, I totally heard your prayer and all the stuff you asked for. This place you built is super sacred, I’m claiming it as my own, and it’s gonna stay that way forever. And FYI, I’ll always be keeping an eye on it and caring about what goes down there, no cap.”
And if you wanna be as solid as your dad David and live with integrity, and do what I tell you, and follow my rules and guidelines:
So basically, I’m gonna make sure your kingdom in Israel lasts forever, just like I promised your dad David. Trust me, there’s always gonna be someone ruling over Israel, no doubt about it.
But if y’all start straying away from following me, like you or your crew, and refuse to keep my rules and regulations that I laid out for you, but instead start simping over other gods and flexing on ’em:
Yo, I’m gonna straight up evict Israel from the land I blessed them with. The place I made sacred for my name? Yeah, I’m booting it out of my sight. And Israel? They’re gonna become like a famous meme, a word people use to clown on.
Yo, imagine peeping that dope crib with all the vibes. Anyone passing by gonna be like, ‘Whoa, what’s the deal with this place? God really went all out here!’
And they gonna be all, ‘Bruh, it’s ’cause they straight up ghosted the LORD, the one who pulled their ancestors outta Egypt, and started chasing after other gods, bowing down to them and serving them. So, that’s why the Big Man upstairs brought down all this chaos on them, you feel? No shade, just facts.’
So, after like, a hot 20 years, Solomon wrapped up building those two lit spots – the LORD’s pad and the king’s chill zone –
Yo, King Hiram from Tyre came in clutch, hooking Solomon up with some fire cedar, fir trees, and gold, just how Solomon wanted it. And in exchange, Solomon threw Hiram twenty prime cities in the Galilee hood. Talk about a sweet deal!
But when Hiram pulled up to check out those cities, they were straight up not his vibe, man. Like, major letdown.
So he’s like, ‘Bro, what’s the deal with these cities you tossed my way?’ And he named them Cabul, basically saying they’re trash and disappointing. And that name stuck around till today.
So, Hiram slid into the king’s DMs with, like, 120 talents of gold.
So, basically, King Solomon needed some cash to build the house of the LORD, his own place, and some other rad stuff like Millo, the wall of Jerusalem, Hazor, Megiddo, and Gezer.
So, like, Pharaoh, the Egyptian king, rolled up on Gezer, straight up torched it, and wiped out all the Canaanite crew chilling there. And get this, he then decides to gift the city to his daughter, who’s actually Solomon’s wifey.
So, Solomon’s like, “Cool, I’ll rebuild Gezer and Bethhoron below.”
Whoa, check out Baalath and Tadmor, they’re like in the boonies, out in the wilderness!
Solomon had mad cities, like seriously stacked with spots for his fancy rides and dope cavalry. He was all about building rad stuff in Jerusalem, Lebanon, and every corner of his turf. Dude was all in on making things happen, you feel?
And all the folks still hanging around from the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, who weren’t part of the Israelite squad,
So, like, there were still some homies in the land that the Israelite crew couldn’t totally wipe out, right? Well, Solomon’s like, “You gotta pay up and work as our peeps forever.” It’s like a tribute or something, you dig?
Yo, peep this: Solomon wasn’t about enslaving his own people. Nah, they were all straight-up warriors, his ride-or-die crew, the OG leaders, and the ones handling his dope chariots and horse squad.
Basically, these were the top dogs, running the show for all the work Solomon was getting done. Picture this: around 550 of them, making all the moves and overseeing everyone else doing the real grind.
So, Pharaoh’s daughter moved into the crib that Solomon hooked her up with in the city of David, and then he went ahead and built Millo.
Every year, three times over, Solomon would throw down burnt offerings and peace offerings on this epic altar he built for the LORD. Plus, he’d light some fire incense on the altar right in front of the LORD. And just like that, he wrapped up the whole crib.
King Solomon was flexin’ hard, building a whole fleet of ships in Eziongeber, right by Eloth, on the Red Sea coast in the Edom hood. It was straight-up fire, fam! 🔥
So Hiram sent his squad of seasoned sailors on his lit navy, rolling with Solomon’s crew.
They hit up Ophir, bagged four hundred and twenty talents of gold, and brought it back to King Solomon.

1 Kings 10

So, like, everyone was buzzing about how lit Solomon was, always giving props to the Big Guy upstairs. The queen of Sheba was like, ‘I gotta see if this dude’s for real,’ so she rolled up and hit him with some real-deal questions.
She pulled up to Jerusalem with her whole squad, riding in on camels stacked with all kinds of fancy spices, heaps of gold, and top-notch bling. When she finally met Solomon, they kicked back and had a deep convo about everything on her mind.
Solomon straight up spilled all the tea, holding nothing back and keeping it real with her.
And yo, when the queen peeped Solomon’s mad wisdom and the insane palace he built,
And checked out the spread on his table, how his crew was posted, how his squad was serving, their threads, his personal drink squad, and the way he rolled to the house of the LORD – it blew her mind, left her standing there speechless.
Ayy King, gotta give it to you, the rumors about your wisdom and game back in my hood were legit. No cap.
Okay, so I was skeptical, right? Like, I heard all these stories, but I was like, “Nah, gotta see it to believe it.” And let me tell you, it was beyond lit when I finally saw it myself. Your wisdom and success totally live up to the hype, no cap!
Big shoutout to your crew, they’re blessed for real. Mad respect to your day-ones who ride with you through thick and thin, always vibing with your wisdom.
Shoutout to the Most High, who vibes with you heavy and chose you to lead Israel because He’s always had love for Israel, and He knew you’d bring that real fairness and justice.
So, check this out, the queen of Sheba hooked the king up fat with like, a hundred and twenty talents of gold, and a whole stash of spices and precious stones. Bro, you’ve never seen spices like the ones the queen blessed King Solomon with, straight fire.
And then there’s Hiram’s crew, sailing in from Ophir with that gold, and not just that, they brought in mad almug trees and precious stones too. Oh, by the way, almug trees are also known as algum trees, in case you didn’t know.
King Solomon flexed those almug trees hard, using them to make pillars for the house of the Most High and his own palace. Plus, he hooked the singers up with some sick harps and psalteries. Those almug trees were straight up rare, like nobody had seen anything like them before.
So, peeps, King Solomon totally hooked up the queen of Sheba, like, big time! He gave her whatever she wanted, straight up. And get this, it wasn’t just what he already had in his royal stash, but he went the extra mile and granted all her wishes. Then she bounced back to her own turf with her squad. (Just saying, Solomon really went all out for her, no joke!)
Okay, so Solomon scored this insane amount of gold in just one year, fam. Like, six hundred and sixty talents of gold! Can you even wrap your head around that? So epic, dude!
And on top of all that gold, he got mad stuff from all the dope merchants, the spice traders, and even the big shots from Arabia and the local rulers. You know, just loads of goodies!
King Solomon was flexing with two hundred gold targets, each worth six hundred shekels of gold.
So this dude straight up made like 300 lit golden shields. Each shield took a hefty three pounds of gold to make, fam! Then he just stashed ’em in this badass crib called the House of the Forest of Lebanon, like it’s no big deal.
And check this out, the king had this sick throne made of ivory, all blinged out with the finest gold.
Yo, the throne was legit, with like six steps leading up to it, and the back of it was curved. And on each side of the seat, there were these dope supports with two lions posted up next to them. (Oh, and just so you know, in Hebrew, “behind” means the back part, and “stays” means hands.)
And check it, there were like a dozen fierce lions chilling on both sides of those six steps, man. No other kingdom had anything as rad as that.
So, all of King Solomon’s drinking cups were straight-up gold, and even the fancy cups in the Lebanese forest palace were pure gold too! Silver wasn’t even on their radar back then, didn’t mean a thing to them.
The king had a sick navy partnership with King Hiram out at sea: every three years, the dope navy would cruise in, loaded with gold, silver, fancy ivory, cool apes, and stunning peacocks.
King Solomon was the ultimate flex when it came to being rich and wise, none of those other kings could even come close.
So, basically, people from all over were flocking to Solomon because word on the street was he was mad wise, all thanks to God dropping that wisdom in his heart.
So, like, everyone rolled up with their gifts, you know? They brought some lit silver and gold stuff, swaggy clothes, sick armor and weapons, bougie spices, fast horses, and fresh rides, like it’s an annual vibe!
Solomon was flexing hard, yo. He had a whole army of chariots and horsemen. Imagine this: my dude had, like, 1400 chariots and 12k horsemen. He spread them out in different cities, just to keep the chariot game strong. And he kept some in Jerusalem, right by his side.
The king hooked up Jerusalem with silver, like it’s blinged out, and he made the cedars as dope as the sycomore trees in the valley, ’cause there were tons of them. (hooked up means he gave)
So, Solomon copped some lit horses from Egypt, along with some fresh linen threads. The king’s merchants bought the threads at a decent price, you feel?
Then, someone slid through with a dope ride from Egypt, worth 600 silver coins, and a lit horse for 150. They made major bank supplying fancy rides to the kings of the Hittites and Syria.

1 Kings 11

Yo, peep this: King Solomon was straight up juggling relationships, vibing with chicks from all over the place – Pharaoh’s daughter, Moab babes, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites. Homeboy was keeping his options wide open, you dig?
God was like, “Yo, Israelites, stay in your lane, don’t be getting mixed up with other nations ’cause they’ll lead you down the wrong path with their beliefs.” But Solomon was like, “Nah fam, I’m feeling these foreign vibes,” and he started getting cozy with their gods.
So, check it: Solomon had 700 wifey material queens and 300 side pieces. And let’s just say, handling all that love was messing with his head.
When Solomon got old, his wives were all up in his grill, tempting him to ditch the one true God and roll with their idols. His heart wasn’t fully in sync with the LORD, unlike his pops, David, who stayed loyal.
Solomon was all about worshipping Ashtoreth, the Zidonians’ goddess, and Milcom, a big deal among the Ammonites. Oh, and fun fact, Milcom goes by Molech, too.
Solomon was slippin’ up, y’know? He wasn’t keeping it 100 with the LORD like David did. He wasn’t following the playbook like he was supposed to.
Solomon went ahead and built some lit worship spots for Chemosh, the Moabites’ jam, and Molech, the Ammonites’ fave. But let’s be real, these gods were straight-up disrespectful to the Most High.
So, like, Solomon was doing his thing with all his non-traditional wives, and they were all into their own gods, offering up prayers and stuff.
But then, God was like super ticked at Solomon because he started ghosting the Lord God of Israel, even though they had like, major face-to-face time twice!
And God was like, “Bro, seriously, stop chasing after other gods,” but Solomon was like, “Nah fam, I’mma do me,” you feel?
So, the LORD was like, “Hey Solomon, since you messed up big time by not keeping our deal and following my rules, I gotta take the kingdom away and give it to one of your homies. Just sayin’.”
But don’t trip, I won’t do it while you’re still around because of your pops, David. I’ll wait till your son takes over.
But, like, I’m not gonna split up the whole kingdom, ya know? Your son can have one tribe, just for the sake of my boy David and for Jerusalem, the city I’m vibing with.
Then God stirred up a rival against Solomon, Hadad the Edomite, who was descended from the king of Edom.
So, David’s crew was posted up in Edom, and Joab, the big boss of the army, went up to bury the fallen soldiers after they straight up wiped out Edom. No cap!
(So Joab and all of Israel chilled in Edom for six months, until they wiped out every dude from the land.)
So Hadad and some of his dad’s Edomite crew dipped and headed to Egypt. At that time, Hadad was just a young buck.
So they jetted from Midian and rolled up to Paran, bringing some squad from Paran with them. They pulled up to Egypt, straight to Pharaoh, the king of Egypt. And guess what? Pharaoh set them up with a spot, grub on deck, and even some property.
Hadad was, like, totally vibed with by Pharaoh and got hitched to his wife’s sis, who was Tahpenes, the queen’s sis.
And Tahpenes’ sis had Genubath, her son, who grew up in Pharaoh’s crib. Genubath was raised among Pharaoh’s sons in the royal pad.
So, like, when Hadad heard in Egypt that David had passed away and Joab, the army boss, was out, Hadad hit up Pharaoh like, ‘Bro, let me bounce and go back to my own turf.’ And Hadad was straight-up asking Pharaoh to let him peace out, you feel me?
So Pharaoh’s like, “Yo, why you tryna bounce back to your homeland? Was my hospitality not up to par or what?” And the dude’s like, “Nah, man, you’ve been cool and all, but I gotta dip, you feel me? Let me bounce, no hard feelings.”
And God caused another enemy to rise up against him, Rezon, son of Eliadah, who had dipped from his master Hadadezer, the king of Zobah:
So, basically, David rounded up a squad and became the OG of a crew. They went and handled some business with the Zobah crew, then settled down in Damascus and took charge over there.
And this guy was, like, always stirring up trouble for Israel while Solomon was holding it down. And don’t even get me started on the drama that Hadad brought. Dude straight up despised Israel and had Syria on lockdown.
So there’s this dude named Jeroboam, son of Nebat, repping Zereda. Used to be Solomon’s right-hand man, and his mom, Zeruah, was a widow. But here’s the plot twist – Jeroboam decided to go rogue against the king, even went as far as throwing hands.
And here’s the deal with why he went against the king: Solomon hooked up Millo and fixed up the city parts that belonged to his pops, David.
Jeroboam was no joke, strong and skilled, and Solomon peeped his hustle, so he put him in charge of all things Joseph fam. Like, handling all the responsibilities and whatnot.
So, one day Jeroboam’s leaving Jerusalem, right? And then this prophet dude named Ahijah the Shilonite runs into Jeroboam on the way. And get this, Jeroboam was flexin’ some fresh threads. And yo, they were chilling in the field, just the two of them.
And Ahijah straight up snatched the sick fit off him and ripped it into twelve pieces:
And God was like, “Yo, Jeroboam, grab yourself ten pieces, ’cause the LORD, the God of Israel, was like, listen up, I’m about to take the kingdom from Solomon and hook you up with ten tribes, fam:
But yo, there gonna be one tribe repping for my homie David and for Jerusalem, the city I picked outta all the tribes of Israel.
So like, they totally ditched me and started idolizing Ashtoreth, the queen of the Zidonians, Chemosh, the god of the Moabites, and Milcom, the god of the Ammonites. They’re not even vibing with my ways or doing what’s right in my eyes, unlike David, their OG king who stayed true to my rules and decisions.
But I’m not gonna strip him of his kingdom entirely, instead, I’ll let him be in charge as prince for the rest of his days. All because of David, my loyal servant, who I chose ’cause he always followed my rules and regulations.
But I’m gonna snatch that kingdom away from his kid and hand it over to you, like, ten tribes in total.
And I’ll give one tribe to his son, so that David, my servant, can always have a chill vibe in Jerusalem, the city where I decided to make my presence known.
And like, I’ve got you, fam. You’re gonna have the ultimate power and be the boss, ruling Israel and making all your dreams come true.
Yo, if you’re down to listen to everything I tell you, and you actually live your life in a way that pleases me, following my rules and doing what’s right, just like David did, then I got your back. I’ll make sure you have a stable and secure life, just like I did for David, and I’ll even give you control over Israel.
And I’m gonna totally cause some trouble for the descendants of David, but it won’t last forever, I promise.
So, like, Solomon was totally out to get Jeroboam. And Jeroboam was like, ‘No way, dude!’ and peaced out to Egypt to chill with King Shishak. He stayed there until Solomon passed away.
Yo, there’s so much more that Solomon did, his crazy amazing moves and his insane wisdom, isn’t it all written down in the book of Solomon’s epic journey? Like, seriously, it’s all there – every single cool thing he said and did.
So Solomon was the ruler of all Israel in Jerusalem for a solid forty years. Like, this dude was in charge and running the show for a pretty long time. You know, just putting it out there, ’cause it’s worth mentioning. Oh, and by the way, when they say timee’, they mean ‘days’. No biggie, just a little language tidbit for you. Peace out!
So, Solomon passed away and was laid to rest in the same city as his father, David. Then, his son Rehoboam took over as the ruler in his place.

1 Kings 12

So Rehoboam rolled up to Shechem, ’cause the whole squad of Israel was there, ready to crown him king.
Meanwhile, Jeroboam, Nebat’s kid, chilling in Egypt, caught wind of the buzz. You know, he dipped from Solomon’s scene and set up camp in Egypt.
Then the Israel crew hit up Jeroboam like, ‘Yo, Rehoboam, we gotta chat.’
They’re like, ‘Your dad’s workload was straight up unbearable. Can you ease up on us? We’ll be loyal AF if you do.’
Rehoboam’s like, ‘Chill for three, then come back.’ And they bounced.
Rehoboam’s kicking it with the OGs who rode with King Solomon back in the day. He’s like, ‘What’s the play, fam?’
They’re like, ‘Serve these peeps, show ’em love, and they’ll ride with you forever.’
But he ignores the OGs and turns to his day ones for advice.
His squad’s like, ‘Make the load lighter, bro.’
So they tell him, ‘Tell ’em your pinky’s stronger than your dad’s whole vibe.’
Rehoboam’s like, ‘My dad was tough on you? Well, I’m cranking it up to eleven. He whipped you, I’m bringing out the scorpions!’
Jeroboam and the squad hit up Rehoboam on day three as planned.
But Rehoboam disses them, ignoring the OGs’ wisdom.
He’s like, ‘My dad made life hard? Get ready, ’cause I’m making it worse. He whipped you, I’m bringing out the scorpions!’
He didn’t listen ’cause that’s part of God’s plan. God wanted His words to come true, the ones He spoke to Ahijah the Shilonite about Jeroboam.
When Israel saw Rehoboam’s move, they’re like, ‘David’s fam ain’t doing squat for us. It’s every man for himself.’ And they dip.
The Israelites in Judah rock with Rehoboam though.
Rehoboam sends Adoram with tax vibes, but Israel stones him to death. Rehoboam bolts to Jerusalem.
Israel’s been ghosting David’s house since.
Israel’s like, ‘Jeroboam’s our guy!’ Only Judah’s still with David’s tribe. #loyalty
Rehoboam gathers 180,000 warriors from Judah and Benjamin, ready to rumble.
God hits up Shemaiah with a message.
‘Chill, Rehoboam. Don’t beef with your bros. Go home and chill, it’s all part of the plan.’ They listen.
Jeroboam sets up shop in Shechem and Penuel.
He’s like, ‘If they go worship in Jerusalem, they’ll ride with Rehoboam.’ So he drops two golden calves like, ‘Check these gods who freed you from Egypt!’
One in Bethel, one in Dan.
People start worshiping only there, even in Dan.
Jeroboam builds a lit crib and appoints random priests.
Then he throws a party, sacrifices, the whole nine yards, just like in Judah.
And this becomes a thing, everyone going to Dan.
He sets up high places, appoints his own crew of priests.
On the fifteenth of the eighth month, he parties in Bethel, offering incense.
He’s at the altar in Bethel, throwing down on the fifteenth, in a month he just made up. Party vibes with incense.

1 Kings 13

Yo, peep this, there’s this guy reppin’ for God, straight outta Judah, rolling up to Bethel with a message straight from the man upstairs. Jeroboam was just chilling by the altar, about to light up some incense, you dig?
And he straight up called out the altar, like, “Yo, listen up! This is what the big man upstairs says – get ready, ’cause a kid named Josiah is gonna be born into David’s fam. And he’s gonna clean house, taking out those priests who burn incense on you and even burning men’s bones on you, okay? It’s gonna get real.”
So, like, this dude’s all, “Yo, check it! God said there’s gonna be a lit sign today. The altar’s gonna split in half, and all the ashes on it are gonna spill out.”
So, King Jeroboam heard what the man of God said, calling out the altar in Bethel. Then he got all heated, stretched out his hand from the altar, telling his crew to grab the man. But, plot twist, his hand dried up and he couldn’t pull it back anymore.
Yo, listen up: the altar got wrecked, and the ashes spilled out, just like the man of God said, all because of God’s word.
Then the king’s like, “Hey, man of God, could you ask your guy upstairs to hook me up with a heal for my hand?” So, the man of God prayed, and bam, the king’s hand was back to normal, no problem!
And the king’s like, “Yo, dude of God, come kick it at my place and take a load off, I’ll hook you up.”
But the man of God’s like, “Nah, even if you offered me half your pad, I’m not feeling it. I ain’t eating or drinking anything here.”
The big man told me not to munch or sip anything, or even go back the way I came.
So he bounced on a different route, not back to Bethel.
So, there’s this OG prophet chilling in Bethel. And his sons saw all the crazy stuff the man of God did that day, spilling the tea about how he called out the king and all, and they told their dad.
And their dad’s like, “Yo, which way did that dude go?” ‘Cause his sons peeped where he went.
And he’s like, “Sons, hook me up with the donkey.” So they did, and he rode off.
So, they catch up to the man of God, chilling under this big oak tree. And they’re like, “Hey, you that dude from Judah?” And he’s like, “Yeah, that’s me.”
And he’s like, “Come chill at my pad and grab some grub.”
But he’s like, “Nah, can’t roll with you or chill: not even gonna munch or sip anything here.”
God told me not to eat or drink here and not to go back the way I came.
He’s like, “Bro, I’m a prophet like you. An angel told me, straight from God, ‘Bring him back so he can eat and drink.’ But he lied.”
So, he went with him, had a meal, and drank water.
So, they’re just chilling at the table when God straight up speaks to the prophet who brought him back:
And he calls out to the man of God, like, “Yo, ’cause you straight up dissed what God said and didn’t follow His orders,
But turned back and ate and drank even though He told you not to, saying ‘Don’t eat or drink,’ now you won’t even get a proper burial with your fam.
And after he chowed down and guzzled, he got the ride ready for the prophet he’d brought back.
So this dude’s just chilling, when a lion rolls up and takes him out. The guy’s dead body gets tossed on the road, and his donkey stands there while the lion hangs around.
So, these guys are walking and see a dead body on the road, with a lion chilling near it. They’re like, “Yo, let’s tell the old prophet in the city, this is crazy!”
And when the prophet hears, he’s like, “It’s the man of God who dissed God’s word. So God let a lion take him out, just like He said.”
And he’s like, “Kids, get the donkey.” So they do, no questions asked.
So he finds the dead body, with the donkey and lion there. The lion hadn’t eaten the body or harmed the donkey.
So the prophet puts the body on the donkey and takes it back. Then he goes to the city to mourn and give him a proper burial.
And he lays the body in his own grave, and they’re really bummed, like, “Man, our bro!”
So, after burying him, he tells his kids, “Listen, when I go, bury me in the same tomb as that holy dude. Put my bones next to his, alright?”
The word of God totally came true, man! He was like, “Check it, that altar in Bethel and all those fancy high places in Samaria? They’re gonna get wrecked, no doubt!”
But Jeroboam didn’t change his ways. He started appointing randoms from the common folk as priests in the fancy spots. Basically, anyone who wanted the gig got it, and they became priests there.
And this became a sin for Jeroboam’s fam, so bad it had to be wiped out completely.

1 Kings 14

Once, Abijah, Jeroboam’s son, fell seriously ill.
Jeroboam was like, “Hey wifey, gotta play it low-key so nobody sniffs out you’re Mrs. J. Head to Shiloh incognito, ’cause that’s where Ahijah the prophet’s chilling. He’s the one who called my shots about being top dog here.”
Pack ten loaves, some tasty snacks, and a jar of honey. Hit up Ahijah, he’ll spill the tea on our son’s situation.
Jeroboam’s wife followed the plan, rolling to Shiloh and Ahijah’s spot. But Ahijah’s eyes were shot from age, couldn’t see squat.
Then the LORD tipped off Ahijah, saying, “Listen up, Jeroboam’s wifey’s on her way to get the 411 on her sick son. Here’s the script: when she shows, act like you know it’s her, but play along with her disguise.”
Ahijah heard her roll in and was like, “Come in, Mrs. Jeroboam, why front like someone else? Got some heavy news to drop, brace yourself.”
“Tell Jeroboam this straight from the LORD, God of Israel: ‘I plucked you from the crowd, made you top dog over my crew, Israel.’”
“Swiped the kingdom from David’s fam, slid it to you. But you ain’t been cool like David, kept it 100 with me, did what I asked.”
“But you took it to the next level, made your own gods, carved idols, disrespected me big time.”
“Here’s the deal – Jeroboam’s house is in for a world of hurt. Gonna wipe out his fam, like clearing out trash ’til it’s gone.”
“Any of Jeroboam’s crew who die in the city, dogs will chow down; those in the field, birds will feast. That’s the word of the LORD.”
“So bounce back home, soon as you step in the city, your son’s out.”
“All Israel gonna mourn him, ’cause he’s the only one in Jeroboam’s house with a proper burial. Showed some love to the LORD, God of Israel.”
“LORD gonna raise up a new king for Israel, gonna wipe Jeroboam’s fam out in a single day. It’s gonna be lit.”
“LORD’s gonna school Israel big time, shaking them like a reed in water, but on a grand scale. Uproot ’em from this land, scatter ’em beyond the river. Why? ‘Cause they’re all about those groves, ticking off the LORD.”
“God’s letting Israel crash and burn ’cause of Jeroboam’s mess, dragging Israel into sin too.”
Jeroboam’s wife jetted back to Tirzah. When she hit the doorstep, the kid was out.
They laid him to rest, Israel mourned, just like the LORD said through Ahijah.
“There’s more dirt on Jeroboam, check the history book of Israel’s kings.”
Jeroboam reigned 22 years, then bit the dust, his son Nadab took over.
Rehoboam, Solomon’s son, ruled Judah. Started at 41, ruled 17 years in Jerusalem, the LORD’s chosen city. His mom was Naamah, an Ammonite.
Judah royally messed up, made God super jealous with their sins, worse than their ancestors. 😬
They set up high places everywhere, statues, groves, you name it, on every hill, under every lush tree.
The land was full of people doing messed up stuff, copying the other nations God kicked out before His peeps moved in.
In Rehoboam’s fifth year, Shishak, Egypt’s king, rolled into Jerusalem.
Dude straight-up raided the LORD’s house and the royal stash. Took all the treasure, even jacked Solomon’s gold shields. Major heist.
Rehoboam swapped in bronze shields, gave the gold ones to the guard chief. #keepingitsecure
When the king hit the LORD’s crib, the squad carried ’em back to the guard room.
More on Rehoboam’s reign in Judah’s kings book. Straight up.
Rehoboam and Jeroboam stayed beefing.
Rehoboam died, joined his ancestors in David’s city. His mom, Naamah, was Ammonite. Abijam, aka Abijah, his son, took over.

1 Kings 15

So, like, back in the day, when King Jeroboam, son of Nebat, was running the show, this dude Abijam stepped up and became king of Judah.
He reigned in Jerusalem for three years. His mom, Maachah, was Abishalom’s daughter. FYI, Maachah was also called Michaiah and Abishalom was also known as Absalom.
Abijam kinda took after his old man, doing all the same shady stuff, you know? His heart wasn’t totally in sync with the LORD his God, unlike his pops David.
But yo, God hooked David up with a lit lamp in Jerusalem, setting things up so his son could take over and keep the city on point.
David was solid in God’s book, never straying from what the big guy commanded, except for that whole thing with Uriah the Hittite.
Rehoboam and Jeroboam were always beefing, like, forever.
Want the scoop on Abijam? Check out the chronicles of the kings of Judah for all the juicy deets. Oh, and heads up, Abijam had some serious beef with Jeroboam.
Abijam passed away and was buried in David’s city, and his son Asa took over.
So, like, when Jeroboam was in his senior year of ruling Israel, Asa became the big boss in Judah.
Asa held it down in Jerusalem for a solid 41 years. His mom, Maachah, was Abishalom’s daughter. By the way, when I say mom, I mean grandma.
Asa was on point with God, just like his dad David.
He cleaned house, getting rid of all the shady stuff and smashing those cheesy statues his ancestors made.
Even his grandma Maachah got the boot when she made a lame idol. Asa straight up wrecked it and torched it by the brook Kidron.
But, like, those high places were still around, you know? But Asa stayed true to God every single day, no cap.
So, he brought all the stuff dedicated to God by his dad and himself into the house of the LORD. The stash included silver, gold, and fancy gear.
Asa and Baasha, the kings of Israel, were constantly at odds, always throwing down.
Baasha, the king of Israel, decided to mess with Judah, building a stronghold in Ramah to block traffic to King Asa.
Asa rounded up all the leftover cash and bling from God’s house and his own, and spread it around to his homies. Then he sent his crew to Benhadad, the top dog of Syria, saying,
“We cool, right? Our dads were tight too. I’m sending you some sick bling, silver and gold. Let’s squash Baasha’s deal, yeah?”
Benhadad listened and sent his captains to wreck Israel’s cities. They hit up Ijon, Dan, Abelbethmaachah, Cinneroth, and all Naphtali.
When Baasha heard, he ditched Ramah and bounced to Tirzah.
Asa got everyone in Judah on board, no one was left out, and they used the stones and wood from Ramah to build Geba of Benjamin and Mizpah.
There’s a ton more Asa did, like his slick moves and all, not to mention the dope cities he built. Check out the records about the kings of Judah for all the deets. But when he got old, his feet were messed up, dealing with health issues.
Asa kicked the bucket and was laid to rest with his ancestors in David’s city. Then his son Jehoshaphat took over.
Nadab, Jeroboam’s son, took the reins in Israel during Asa’s second year. He ruled for two years.
But he blew it in God’s eyes, following his dad’s lead and leading Israel astray.
Baasha, son of Ahijah from the Issachar crew, plotted against Nadab and took him out at Gibbethon, Philistine turf. Nadab and Israel were laying siege to Gibbethon at the time.
In Asa’s third year, Baasha took over, becoming the new king.
And he wiped out Jeroboam’s whole fam, just like the LORD said through Ahijah the Shilonite.
Because Jeroboam and Israel messed up big time, angering the LORD.
You can find the rest of Nadab’s story in the kings of Israel book.
Asa and Baasha stayed at odds throughout their reigns.
In Asa’s third year, Baasha took over Israel and ruled for 24 years.
But he wasn’t on God’s good side, following Jeroboam’s lead and leading Israel astray.

1 Kings 16

So, God was like, ‘Yo, Jehu, listen up. Got a message about Baasha, dude.
Bro, I raised you up, made you the head honcho over my squad in Israel. But you went and followed Jeroboam’s vibe, got my peeps all messed, making them do wrong and ticking me off with all their wickedness.
Check it! I’m wiping out Baasha’s fam, the whole line, and your place gonna be like Jeroboam’s, no joke.
Those who kick it in Baasha’s city, gonna be dog food. Those in the fields, bird buffet.
Want more on Baasha? Hit up the kings of Israel chronicles, fam. It’s got the scoop on his moves, his power plays.
Baasha clocked out, joined his ancestors, buried in Tirzah. Then his son Elah took over.
Prophet Jehu, Hanani’s kid, got a word from the LORD about Baasha’s crew. Let me tell you, Baasha was straight up disrespectful to the LORD. Acting all wrong, just like Jeroboam’s clique. Oh, and BTW, Baasha offed Jeroboam too.
So, like, in the 26th year of Asa being king of Judah, Elah, dude, Baasha’s son, stepped up to rule over Israel from Tirzah. He held it down for two years, man.
Then Zimri, the cool dude running half the sick chariots, totally schemed against him while he was chilling in Tirzah, partying at Arza’s crib, who managed his house. #sneaky
Zimri went all in and straight up attacked him, taking him out in the 27th year of Asa’s reign over Judah, then he snagged the throne and everything.
So, like, once this dude became king and sat his throne, he wiped out Baasha’s whole fam. Seriously, nobody got spared, not even his homies or relatives. It was a total wipeout, bro.
Zimri totally cleared Baasha’s crib, just like the message from the Big Man himself, spoken through Jehu the prophet. (FYI, Jehu was like the LORD’s messenger boy).
Baasha and his son Elah were just deep in their sin vibes, dragging Israel down with them! They seriously ticked off the LORD God of Israel with all their messed-up actions.
Yo, if you wanna peep more dope stuff Elah pulled, check out the book of the kings of Israel. It’s got all the juicy deets and everything!
So, like, in the 27th year of Asa being king of Judah, Zimri snagged the throne for, like, a hot minute in Tirzah. And the people were all posted up near this place called Gibbethon, which the Philistines claimed or whatever.
So, the peeps camping out caught wind of Zimri’s plot and how he straight up offed the king. So, all of Israel decided to crown Omri, the squad boss, king of Israel right then and there in camp.
Alright, so Omri and all the squad in Israel bounced from Gibbethon and decided to lay down some serious siege action on Tirzah.
So, like, Zimri saw that the city got taken, and he was like, ‘nah, not today,’ and straight up headed to the king’s crib, and straight up set fire to the king’s house and himself, and that’s how he met his end.
‘Cause he messed up and did a lot of bad stuff that went against what God wanted, following in the messed-up footsteps of Jeroboam. And he didn’t stop there, he went ahead and made all of Israel mess up too.
Yo, there’s more juicy deets about Zimri and all the sketchy stuff he pulled. You can find all the tea in the book that’s filled with stories about the kings of Israel, ya know what I’m sayin’?
So, like, Israel was totally split into two squads: one side was all about Tibni, Ginath’s son, and, like, they wanted to make him king. But the other side was all about Omri, you know? And they were like, ‘Omri for the win!’
But the squad that rolled with Omri totally crushed Tibni’s crew, son of Ginath. So Tibni croaked and Omri took over the throne.
In the thirty-first year of Asa being king of Judah, Omri came to power as the ruler of Israel. He reigned for twelve years, with six of those years spent ruling from Tirzah.
So he copped the Samaria hill from Shemer for two silver talents, then he straight up built a city on that hill and named it Samaria, after Shemer who owned the hill.
So, like, Omri was seriously not vibing with the LORD, and he took it to a whole new level, doing way worse stuff than anyone before him.
He was all about copying Jeroboam, Nebat’s kid, doing the same shady stuff that led Israel way off track. God was seriously not feeling it, thanks to their obsession with worthless things.
Wanna peep all the other wild stuff Omri pulled and how he flexed his power? Check out the book of Chronicles of the Kings of Israel, it’s all laid out there, no joke!
Then Omri kicked the bucket and got laid to rest in Samaria. So his son, Ahab, stepped up to the throne.
So, like, in the 38th year of Asa’s reign in Judah, this dude Ahab, Omri’s offspring, took charge as king of Israel. And get this, Ahab held it down in Samaria for a solid 22 years, dude!
Ahab, Omri’s kid, straight up messed up big time in the LORD’s eyes, like worse than anyone before him.
And he didn’t even trip about it, started following Jeroboam’s shady ways, and even cuffed Jezebel, Ethbaal’s daughter, who was king of the Zidonians. He was all about that Baal life, giving it his all.
He went all out, building a sick altar for Baal in the lit house of Baal, flexing hard in Samaria.
So, like, Ahab was all about this grove setup, and man, he really went overboard, like majorly ticking off the LORD God of Israel more than any other king before him. He knew exactly how to press those divine buttons, you feel?
Then there’s this dude Hiel from Bethel back in the day. He decides to build Jericho, but get this: he uses his firstborn son, Abiram, to lay the foundations and his youngest son, Segub, for the gates. Why? Because of this word from the LORD spoken through Joshua, Nun’s son.

1 Kings 17

Yo, Elijah repping Gilead, straight up told Ahab, the king, as long as the LORD God of Israel is legit and I’m His messenger, there ain’t gonna be any dew or rain for a minute, and that’s on me, fam.
Yo, the LORD hit him up with a message like,
Yo, like, bounce from here and head east, then find a chill spot by the brook Cherith, you know, by the Jordan river.
Yo, listen up! Check it, fam: You gonna sip from that stream, and guess what? I’ve straight up told those ravens to hook you up with snacks, right there.
So he did what God said and went to live by this cool stream called Cherith, right before the Jordan River. It was lit.
And those ravens, like, totally hooked him up with bread and meat in the morning and evening, and he quenched his thirst from the brook.
So, after some time, the brook totally dried up because there was no rain at all in the whole land. #DrySeasonAlert 😬
God slid into his DMs, saying,
Yo, get up and head to Zarephath, you know, that place near Zidon. Settle down there because I’ve specifically told a widow in that area to take care of you. Trust me, it’s gonna be all good!
So he got up and went to Zarephath. And when he arrived at the entrance of the city, he saw a widow woman gathering sticks there. He called out to her and said, ‘Yo, can you get me a little water in a cup so I can quench my thirst?’
As she was heading over to get it, he called out to her and said, ‘Hey, can you please bring me a piece of bread?’
So she was like, ‘OMG, I swear on God’s name, I don’t have anything fancy, just a bit of meal in a container and a little oil in a bottle. Like, I’m out here grabbing two sticks so I can cook it for me and my son, so we can survive.’
Then Elijah was like, ‘Chill, don’t stress. Go ahead and do that, but whip up a small cake for me first, then bring it to me. After that, make some for yourself and your son.’
Yo, listen up! The big man upstairs, AKA the LORD God of Israel, has got your back. He’s saying your meal stash won’t run out and your oil supply won’t dry up until He blesses us with rain. No cap! 💯
So she did what Elijah said: and both she, Elijah, and everyone in her house had food for a long time. They feasted for days on end. It was a bountiful year of feasting.
And the food never ran out, and the oil bottle never went empty, just like the LORD had said through Elijah.
So like, after all this went down, the woman’s son got super sick. And I mean, he couldn’t even breathe anymore. It was intense.
And she was like, OMG Elijah, why you gotta bring up my past and make me feel guilty? Are you just here to remind me of my mistakes and make my son suffer?
So he was all, “Yo, pass me your son.” And he scooped up the kid from her, took him up to this chill loft where he was staying, and gently laid him on his own bed.
Then, he’s like, “Yo, big man upstairs, did you, like, cause bad vibes for the widow I’ve been chillin’ with by letting her son kick it?”
He then stretched himself out on the kid three times, praying to God, like, “Hey, Big G, please bring this kid’s spirit back to him, deep down inside.”
And OMG, God totally heard Elijah’s call, and the kid’s spirit was back in him, and he was alive again. It was lit!
Elijah then took the kid, brought him downstairs to his mom, and was all like, “Check it, your son’s alive.”
And the woman was like, “OMG Elijah, I totally believe you’re a real deal man of God. Your words, straight from the Big Man himself, are all facts. No cap.”

1 Kings 18

After a hot minute, the LORD hit up Elijah, three years deep, saying, ‘Hey, go track down Ahab, and I’ll bring some rain to this dry land.’
Elijah linked up with Ahab, and whoa, Samaria was straight-up struggling with a famine.
Ahab hit up Obadiah, who was running things at his place. (Oh, by the way, Obadiah was all about the LORD, his Hebrew name’s Obadiahu.) Just to be clear, Obadiah was the big shot at Ahab’s pad.
Way back when Jezebel wiped out the LORD’s crew, Obadiah came in clutch. He saved a hundred prophets, stashing them in groups of fifty in a secret cave, making sure they had bread and water. (BTW, Jezebel’s Hebrew name’s Izebel, just an FYI)
Ahab was like, ‘Hey Obadiah, scope out all the water sources and streams in the land. Maybe we can find some grass to keep our horses and mules alive, so we don’t lose all our animals. We gotta stay connected with them, you know.’
So they split up the land, each doing their own recon: Ahab went his way, and Obadiah took a different route.
So, Obadiah’s cruising along, right? And out of the blue, he bumps into Elijah, and he’s like, “Whoa, isn’t that Elijah, the real deal?”
Elijah’s like, “Hey, go tell your boss, guess who’s in town? Elijah, dude.”
Obadiah’s like, “Bro, why you gotta make me hand you over to Ahab to get toasted? What did I do wrong?”
Swear to God, everyone’s on a mission to find you, man. They’ve been searching high and low, swearing up and down they couldn’t track you anywhere, in any nation or kingdom.
Now you’re all, “Tell your boss, guess who’s making an entrance? Elijah, baby!”
Listen up, after I peace out, the LORD’s gonna whisk you away somewhere, I don’t even know where. Then I’m supposed to go tell Ahab, but if he can’t find you, he’s gonna end me. But, hey, I’ve been repping the LORD since way back, you feel?
Yo, remember when Jezebel went on her prophet-hunting spree? I held it down, man. I stashed a hundred prophets of the LORD, splitting ’em fifty-fifty, in a cave and kept ’em fed and watered.
And now you’re saying, “Go tell your boss, Elijah’s back and he’s out for blood.”
Elijah straight up said, “Swear on the Big Guy’s name, the one with all the power, that I’m gonna show myself to that dude today.”
Obadiah was all like, “Hey, Ahab, listen here!” And Ahab was like, “What’s up?” Then Ahab bounced to meet Elijah.
So when Ahab peeped Elijah, he was like, “Hey, man! You’re the troublemaker in Israel, right?”
Elijah was like, “Bro, it ain’t my fault things are messed up here. You and your crew dipped on God’s rules and started following Baal.”
“So round up everybody, head to Mount Carmel, and bring along those 450 Baal prophets and the 400 grove prophets, who stay wining and dining with Jezebel.”
Ahab hit up all his Israelite crew and invited the prophets to roll up to Mount Carmel.
Elijah stepped to the crowd like, “How long you gonna play both sides? If the LORD’s legit, show some loyalty. But if you’re all about Baal, go ahead and rep him.” And guess what? The people didn’t say squat. Straight silence.
Elijah laid it down, “Listen up, y’all! I’m the last prophet holding it down for the LORD. But those Baal worshipers? They got a squad of 450 prophets, no joke.”
“Hey, tell ’em to bring two bullocks over. They can pick whichever one they want, cut it up, and lay it on the wood. But, yo, no need to spark it up or anything. I got the other bullock covered, I’ll lay it out too, no need to light it up.”
“Hey, they can hit up their gods, and I’ll be hitting up the LORD. Let’s see who brings the fire, that’s the real deal. And the squad was like, ‘Yeah, that’s a solid plan, fam.’”
So Elijah tells the prophets of Baal, “Alright, listen up, fam. Pick a bull and get it ready. Since there’s a bunch of y’all, go ahead, call on your gods, but keep the flames on the down-low.”
So, they grabbed their bull, got it prepped, and started blowing up Baal’s hotline from morning till noon like, “Yo, Baal, hear us out!” But, nada. Baal was silent, didn’t even hit ’em back with a text. They even went full-on frantic, jumping around their DIY altar.
Midday, Elijah starts clowning, “Shout louder! Maybe your god’s on the phone, or on a vacay, or catching some Z’s and needs a wakeup call.”
They were straight up yelling, even cutting themselves, blood flowing like crazy. (I’m talking, it was literally gushing out of them.)
So, like, it went down when the sun was already past its peak, and they just kept on prophesying until it was time for the evening sacrifice. But, man, it was like silent mode activated, no response, no one tuned in. It was crickets, seriously.
And Elijah was like, ‘Hey, everyone, come over here.’ So the crew gathered around him. And he totally fixed up the LORD’s altar that was all messed up.
Elijah grabbed twelve stones, like, one for each of Jacob’s tribes, ’cause God had said Israel was gonna be their vibe, you know?
So, he flexed with the stones and built this epic altar in the LORD’s name. And to level up the altar game, he dug this massive trench around it, big enough to hold two whole measures of seed.
Then he set up the wood, chopped the bull, and laid it on the wood. He was like, ‘Get four barrels and soak the whole deal, sacrifice and wood, in water.’
And he was like, ‘Do it again.’ And they were like, ‘Cool, round two.’ And he was like, ‘Okay, one more time.’ And they were like, ‘Sure, last one.’
And the water totally surrounded the altar, filling up the trench too.
So, like, when it was time for the evening sacrifice, Elijah the prophet stepped up and was like, ‘Hey, LORD God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, let it be known today that you’re the real deal in Israel and I’m just here following your lead.’
Listen up, LORD, so everyone here can see that you’re the one and only true God and that you’ve helped them get back on track.
And then, bam, this massive fire from the LORD came down and completely torched everything—sacrifice, wood, stones, dust, even lapped up all the water in the trench. It was wild!
And when everyone saw what went down, they were shook to the core, dropping to the ground. They were like, ‘OMG, the LORD is the ultimate boss, no doubt. The LORD totally reigns!
And Elijah was like, ‘Yo, nab all those prophets of Baal, don’t let a single one escape.’ So they got them, and Elijah took them down to the brook Kishon and finished them off there.
Ahab, get up, grab some grub and a drink! I’m telling you, there’s a storm brewing, man. You can already hear it rumbling!
So Ahab was like, ‘Cool, I’m gonna eat and drink.’ And Elijah was like, ‘I’m heading up to the top of Carmel,’ and he straight up dropped to the ground, face buried between his knees.
Then he told his servant, ‘Hey, go check out the sea.’ So the servant went, scoped it out, and was like, ‘Nada, bro.’ But Elijah was like, ‘Nah, try again, seven times.’
So, after the seventh time, the dude was like, ‘Hey, check it, there’s this tiny cloud rising from the sea, like the size of a fist.’ And Elijah was like, ‘Tell Ahab to roll out before he gets caught in the rain.’
So, in the meantime, the sky got all dark, clouds swirling, wind kicking up, and it started pouring like crazy. And Ahab, he hopped in his ride and jetted to Jezreel.
The LORD hooked Elijah up, and he got ready, booking it ahead of Ahab all the way to the entrance of Jezreel.

1 Kings 19

So, like, Ahab spilled all the deets to Jezebel about what Elijah had done, you feel? He was all, ‘Yo, Elijah straight up wrecked those prophets, like, totally slayed ’em with a sword.’
Then Jezebel hits up Elijah with a message, swearin’ to the gods, like, ‘If I don’t make your life as cursed as theirs by this time tomorrow, swear down!’
And when Elijah saw that, he was like, OMG! He bolted, ran for his life, and ended up in Beersheba, in Judah. He left his loyal homie there.
But he dipped even further into the wilderness for, like, a whole day and found this chill spot under a juniper tree. He straight up asked to peace out, like, ‘I’m done, God, can you just end me now? I’m no better than my ancestors, fr. Like, seriously, for real.’
And while he was chilling and taking a nap under a rad tree, suddenly an angel rolled up and gently tapped him, saying, ‘Yo, wake up and grab a snack.’
So he peeped it, and there was this epic cake cooking on the coals, with a jug of water right next to it, all for him. And he totally chowed down and drank, then crashed out again. #Blessed
Then the LORD’s angel came back, giving him another friendly tap and saying, ‘Bro, get up and eat! This journey is way too intense for you to handle on an empty stomach.’
So he got up, had some grub and a drink, and journeyed for a solid forty days and nights to Horeb, the lit mount of God.
So, Elijah hit up this cave and decided to crash there for the night. And, surprise surprise, God spoke to him and was like, ‘Why you here, Elijah? What’s good?’

1 Kings 20

So, there’s this dude Benhadad, king of Syria, right? He’s got his whole crew together, like 32 kings, loads of horses, and chariots. Then they roll up to Samaria, ready to start some serious war action.
So he slides into Ahab’s DMs, the king of Israel, and drops this line, like,
“I’m owning your cash, your bling, even your whole squad and fam. Your bae goals, your squad goals? All mine, no cap.”
And Ahab’s like, “Yeah man, you got me. Everything I got is yours.”
Then the messengers hit him up again, like, “Yo, Benhadad says, I asked you nicely before for your money, your jewelry, and your whole fam. But tomorrow, my squad’s gonna check out your crib and your peeps’ cribs. Whatever’s lit, we’re taking it.”
So Ahab’s like, “Hold up, this ain’t cool.” He gathers the OGs of the land and lays it out: “This dude’s up to no good, asking for our spouses, our kids, and all our stuff.”
And the OGs are all like, “Don’t even think about it, man. Don’t agree to that.”
So Ahab tells Benhadad’s messengers, “Tell your king I got him on everything he asked for before, but this one thing? Nah.”
And Benhadad’s like, “I swear, if there’s enough dust in Samaria for all my fans to simp after me.”
Ahab’s like, “Tell him not to act like he’s already won.”
When Benhadad hears this, he’s like, “Squad, let’s gear up for battle!”
So, while he’s partying with the kings, he’s like, “Time to roll out!”
Then this prophet shows up, drops some divine wisdom on Ahab: “You see that huge crowd? They’re yours today. I’m the real boss.”
Ahab’s like, “Who’s leading this?” The prophet’s like, “Young guns from everywhere.” Ahab’s like, “Who’s calling the shots?” Prophet’s like, “You, bro.”
So they count all the cool dudes and all the Israelites.
Noon hits, they head out, and Benhadad’s partying.
The cool dudes leave first; they’re like, “There’s guys coming from Samaria.”
Benhadad’s like, “If they want peace, capture ’em. If they want a fight, still capture ’em.”
So these city guys roll out with their crew.
They start fighting, and the Syrians bolt, but Israel’s like, “Nah, you ain’t escaping.”
Israel wrecks their stuff and defeats the Syrians.
The prophet’s like, “Get it together, man. Next year, Syria’s coming for you.”
Syria’s servants are like, “Their gods only work in the hills. Let’s fight ’em in the open plain.”
Time to make moves, strip those kings of their power, and replace ’em with some badass captains!
They gather a squad, match their horses and chariots, and agree to the plan.
Next year, Benhadad heads to Aphek for battle.
Israel gathers up, ready to face ’em. It’s like two small groups of cute little goats, but Syria just takes over.
So this guy, who’s like tight with the Big Guy upstairs, rolls up to the king of Israel and starts dropping truth bombs, like, “Listen up, God’s the ultimate everywhere. These Syrians are dissing Him, saying He’s only top dog in the hills, not the valleys. But lemme tell ya, I’m gonna serve this massive army to you on a platter. And then you’ll see that I’m the real deal, the LORD.”
They’re posted up across from each other for a whole week. Then, on the seventh day, it’s game on. The Israelites straight-up annihilate the Syrian army, taking down a massive one hundred thousand soldiers in just one day.
So the rest of them bail and head to Aphek, and boom, the city walls collapse on twenty-seven thousand dudes still lurking. And Benhadad makes a run for it, slipping into the city, probably hiding in some sick hideout or something.
So, his crew’s like, “Yo, check it! We’ve heard the Israelite kings are all about that mercy vibe. Let’s hit ’em up, like pretty please! We’ll dress humbly, put ropes on our heads, and approach the king of Israel, hoping he might just save your bacon.”
They rock those sackcloth fits, ropes on their heads, and roll up to the king of Israel like, “Yo, Benhadad’s still breathing. Can you let him slide?” And the king’s like, “Wait, he’s alive? That’s my dude!”
So these guys are just hanging back, waiting to see what goes down, and when it does, they’re all over it. They’re like, “That’s your bro Benhadad!” Then the king’s like, “Go fetch him!” And just like that, Benhadad steps up and hops in the chariot.
And Benhadad’s like, “Yo dude, I’ll give back those cities my pops took from your pops. And you can have some prime real estate in Damascus, just like my pops hooked up in Samaria.” Then Ahab’s like, “Deal, I’ll send you off with this pact.” So they seal the deal, and Benhadad dips.
Now there’s this dude, one of the prophet squad, talking to his buddy like, “Yo, hit me up for real.” But his buddy’s like, “Nah, man. Not gonna hit you up.”
And he’s like, “Bro, since you didn’t listen to the Lord’s vibe, peep this, as soon as you split, a lion’s gonna take you down. No joke, man.” And sure enough, as soon as he leaves, a lion jumps him and bam, lights out.
Then he runs into another dude and he’s like, “Yo, hit me up, bro.” And the dude straight-up smacks him, leaving him bruised up.
So the prophet dips and chills on the road, fronting with ashes on his face.
And as the king’s passing by, this dude shouts at him like, “Yo, listen up king! So, I’m out there in the heat of battle, right? And outta nowhere, some dude hands me another dude, saying I gotta keep him safe. He’s like, ‘If this dude goes AWOL, your life’s on the line or you gotta cough up a whole ton of silver, bro. For real!”
And when your boy’s all over the place, he vanishes. Then the king’s like, “That’s on you, man. You brought this on yourself.” (FYI, dude totally disappeared!)
He quickly wipes the ashes off his face, and the king realizes he’s one of the prophets.
Listen up! God tells him, “Check it, dude. You majorly messed up by letting that guy escape who I totally wanted wiped out. So now, your life’s gonna pay for his life, and your peeps will feel the burn too.”
So the king of Israel heads back home feeling bummed and ticked off, and he rolls into Samaria.

1 Kings 21

Yo, there’s this dude named Naboth, he’s repping Jezreel, and he’s got this sick vineyard right by Ahab’s palace, where the king of Samaria hangs.
So, Ahab slides into Naboth’s DMs like, ‘Hey, can I cop your vineyard? I wanna turn it into an herb garden, it’s lit being next to my crib. I’ll hook you up with an even better vineyard or just cash you out, your call.’
But Naboth’s like, ‘Nah, Ahab, can’t do that! It’s against God’s vibe for me to hand over my fam’s land like that.’
So Ahab’s all in his feels, goes back to his crib, and sulks ’cause Naboth shut him down. Naboth straight up told him, ‘Nuh-uh, not giving up my family’s legacy.’ Ahab’s so mad, he just flops on his bed, turns away, and refuses to munch on anything.
Then Jezebel, his wifey, peeps him and goes, ‘Why you looking all down? Not even vibing with some bread?’
So I hit up this dude, Naboth from Jezreel, like, ‘Yo, lemme buy your vineyard, I’ll pay up.’ But he’s like, ‘No way, man! Not handing it over!’
Jezebel’s all, ‘You really gonna let this slide? Get up, eat something, and chill. I’ll sort out Naboth’s vineyard for you.’
So she DMs Ahab with his custom emoji seal, and hits up his city’s OGs and influencers who know Naboth.
She’s like, ‘Yo, we’re throwing a lit event, make Naboth the center of attention.’
‘Find two dudes who don’t believe in anything, make ’em trash-talk Naboth about disrespecting God and the ruler. Then, take him out and stone him till he’s out.’
So the city’s crew, the old heads and the boujee crowd, do exactly what Jezebel said, following her DM instructions.
They hype up Naboth and put him in the spotlight.
So, these two troublemakers roll up and start dissing Naboth in front of everyone! They’re saying he’s dissing God and the king. Then, they drag him out and stone him to death. Brutal, man.
They text Jezebel, ‘Naboth’s out, done.’
Jezebel hears Naboth got smoked and goes to Ahab like, ‘Get up and claim Naboth’s vineyard! He wouldn’t sell, but guess what? He’s gone!’
Ahab hears Naboth’s out and’s like, ‘Imma snag his vineyard in Jezreel.’
So God hits up Elijah the Tishbite, saying,
‘Yo, head over to meet Ahab, king of Israel. He’s posted in Samaria, eyeing Naboth’s vineyard.’
‘Tell him, did you really have to murk someone for their property? The big man upstairs says, just like dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, they’re licking up yours too.’
Ahab’s like, ‘Found me, huh, Elijah? Sneaky.’ And Elijah’s like, ‘Yeah, found you, bro. You’re deep in doing evil, not cool with the big man.’
‘Bad stuff’s heading your way, man. Your fam? Done. All your boys? Wiped out. It’s gonna be rough.’
‘Your crib’s gonna be trashed, like Jeroboam’s and Baasha’s, ’cause you crossed the line, got Israel sinning.’
God’s got words for Jezebel too, like, ‘Dogs are feasting on her by Jezreel’s wall.’ (FYI, wall means ditch.)
Anyone who bites it in the city, dogs are on clean-up duty; in the field, birds got a meal plan.
But Ahab took the cake for wickedness, selling out big time to evil. And his wifey Jezebel? Right there with him, always pushing for wrong moves.
And OMG, he’s straight-up idol worshiping, like the Amorites used to, but God kicked them out before us Israelites.
Ahab hears this, flips, tears his threads, throws on sackcloth, fasts, and walks around all humble.
So God talks to Elijah, and here’s the scoop…
‘Check out Ahab being humble? ‘Cause of that, I’m holding off on the bad vibes during his life. But his fam? They’re gonna feel it later, big time.’

1 Kings 22

So, for a solid three years, Syria and Israel were keeping it drama-free, no beef or anything.
Then Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah, decides to roll up and meet with the king of Israel.
The king of Israel’s like, “Yo, squad, Ramoth in Gilead is ours, right? But we’re just sitting here, not even trying to snatch it back from Syria. We’re keeping it low-key, playing it safe.”
And he’s like, “Jehoshaphat, you down to join for a battle at Ramothgilead?” Jehoshaphat’s like, “For sure, count me in. Your people are my people, your horses are my horses.”
Jehoshaphat’s like, “Yo, king of Israel, can you ask the LORD for some guidance today?”
So the king of Israel gathers around 400 prophets and asks them, “Should we attack Ramothgilead or chill?” And they’re all like, “Go for it! The Lord’s got your back.”
But Jehoshaphat’s like, “Isn’t there another prophet from the LORD we can hit up?”
The king of Israel’s like, “Yeah, there’s Micaiah, but he’s always dissing me. Never has anything good to say.” And Jehoshaphat’s like, “Don’t disrespect him like that.”
So the king’s like, “Get Micaiah over here, ASAP!” He tells his officer to make it happen.
The kings are chilling in their fancy robes by the gate in Samaria, prophets spitting fire in front of them.
Zedekiah’s like, “Check these sick iron horns. The LORD says, use these to wreck the Syrians.”
All the prophets are hyping up the kings, saying, “Go up to Ramothgilead, the LORD’s got your back, you’ll win for sure!”
The messenger’s like, “Micaiah, all the prophets are saying good stuff to please the king. Can’t you just agree with them?”
Micaiah’s like, “I’m only gonna speak what the LORD tells me, no cap.”
So he tells the king, “Go for it, the LORD’s got your back.”
The king’s like, “Come on, man, speak the truth!”
Micaiah sees Israel scattered like sheep without a shepherd. The LORD’s like, “Let them go home in peace.”
The king’s like, “See, Jehoshaphat? I told you Micaiah wouldn’t say anything positive about me.”
The LORD’s like, “Listen up, I saw the heavenly squad posted up, ready to roll.”
God’s figuring out how to get Ahab to Ramothgilead and get him taken out. Ideas are bouncing around.
Then this spirit rolled up before God, like, “I got this, I’ll totally sway him.”
And God was like, “How you planning on doing that?” And the lying spirit was like, “Imma make all his prophets spit lies.” And God was like, “Yeah, go for it, persuade him, make it happen.”
So, listen up, the LORD made these prophets straight up spin lies and spread wickedness about you.
So, this dude Zedekiah, Chenaanah’s kid, came up and straight-up slapped Micaiah across the face. Then had the guts to be like, “Yo, how’d the Spirit of the LORD even get to you to speak? Shouldn’t it have hit me up first?”
And Micaiah was like, yo, check it: when you’re in a tight spot, find a safe hideout, like a secret room within a room. Solid advice.
So the king of Israel was like, “Yo, grab Micaiah and take him back to Amon, the city governor, and Joash, the king’s son.”
And the king was all like, “Yo, lock this guy up, give him some basic bread and water until I’m back, no drama.”
And Micaiah was like, if you come back safe and sound, then the LORD definitely didn’t speak through me. And he was like, listen up, everyone!
So, like, the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah, rolled up to this place called Ramothgilead.
So, like, the king of Israel was all, “Yo, Jehoshaphat, I’m gonna low-key change my look and hop in the battle, but you keep rocking your fancy gear.” And then the king of Israel totally disguised himself and got in the mix. It’s like he was thinking, ‘I’ll just slip in unnoticed, no biggie.’
So, the king of Syria gathered his squad of 32 chariot commanders and told them, “Don’t waste time fighting anyone but the king of Israel, whether they’re big shots or nobodies.”
So, like, when the chariot commanders saw Jehoshaphat, they were like, dude, that’s gotta be the king of Israel! And they totally switched gears to go after him. Then Jehoshaphat straight up yelled out for help.
So, like, when those chariot leaders realized it wasn’t the Israelite king, they decided to stop chasing him.
So there was this dude who randomly shot an arrow and ended up hitting the king of Israel in a weak spot in his armor. The king was like, “Driver, get me outta here! I’m hit!”
The battle was intense that day: and the king was chilling in his swag chariot, taking on the Syrians. But when evening came, he went out like a boss and there was mad blood flowing from his wound into the middle of the chariot.
Word spread like wildfire among the crew as the sun was setting, saying, “Everyone, bounce back to your turf, and each person return to their own hood!”
So the king passed away, and they took him to Samaria where they laid him to rest; he was buried in Samaria.
So this person washed the chariot in the Samaria pool, and, like, the dogs totally licked up his blood. They also washed his armor, just like the LORD said they would. Pretty intense, right?
Yo, you wanna know more about Ahab and all the stuff he did? Check out the book of the chronicles of the kings of Israel. They’ve got all the deets on Ahab’s acts, the sick ivory house he built, and all the lit cities he constructed.
So Ahab passed away, and his son Ahaziah took over as king.
So, Jehoshaphat, Asa’s kid, took over the throne in Judah when Ahab was doing his thing in Israel, like around his fourth year as king.
Jehoshaphat was pretty young, only thirty-five, when he started his twenty-five-year reign in Jerusalem. His mom, Azubah, was Shilhi’s daughter, just FYI.
He basically followed his dad Asa’s vibe, staying on the righteous path, pleasing the LORD and all.
But, yo, those high places were still a thing, you know? People kept doing their sacrifices and incense-burning up there.
So Jehoshaphat was like, ‘Let’s squash the beef with Israel’s king.’
There’s more to Jehoshaphat’s story, all the boss moves he made and battles he fought. Check out the deets in the book keeping tabs on Judah’s kings, ya know?
He cleaned house, getting rid of the leftover stuff from his dad Asa’s era.
At that time, Edom didn’t have a king. They had, like, a second-in-command king, you feel?
Jehoshaphat wanted to flex his trade game with some dope Tharshish ships for that Ophir gold. But, oh snap, those ships totally flopped at Eziongeber. And we’re not talking just a few ships, we’re talking a whole fleet.
So Ahaziah, Ahab’s kid, was like, ‘Can my squad roll with yours on those ships?’ But Jehoshaphat was like, ‘Nah, not happening.’
Jehoshaphat kicked it peacefully with his ancestors and got laid to rest in the city of David, his dad. Then his son Jehoram took the throne.
Meanwhile, Ahaziah, Ahab’s kid, was running things in Israel in Samaria while Jehoshaphat was ruling Judah, around year seventeen. He held it down for two years.
But this dude totally messed up in God’s eyes. He was just following in his folks’ footsteps, even taking after Jeroboam, leading Israel down the wrong path. Not cool.
He was all about Baal, serving and worshipping him. And, dang, he really got on the LORD God of Israel’s nerves, just like his dad. No chill.